My parents had me pretty late for the times. They were 35 in 1976, had been married for about thirteen years. They were set in their ways. I was unwelcome as an upset to the schedule even though they assure me I was desperately wanted.

I have mourned my parents since I was about eight years old. I worried about what would happen to me if my parents died before I was 18. I knew in a macabre sense that I would forever have no one to help me and it would be super hard when my parents got older.

Being an only child of aging parents is tough.

It’s been a long time since I lived nearby and the relationship has never been anything but toxic.

Sixteen years is a long time to live away and only have a few emails to maintain a relationship that’s passive aggressive at best and narcissistic at worst. The most recent email was an admonishment from my mother that she doesn’t know my kids, doesn’t talk to them, only knows what I tell her. She doesn’t even pay attention to what I tell her and seldom comments on any pictures I send. Why must I make all the effort?

My parents ignored me in a little tantrum for several months last year and I worried: how would I even know if they got sick or injured?

It makes me sad and also a little bit scared.

My parents turn 80 next year. They live in a HUGE 3-story house and are still independent, but I wonder how long that will last and what could happen in a blink of an eye. They’re vaccinated, but they live in Georgia and there aren’t any protections in place and they live as though we are not in an international crisis.

Time is running out for healing a broken relationship.

What if I get COVID-19?

I never thought I would really have to plan or worry about what would happen to my family if my husband or I get chronically ill, hospitalized, or died. I mean, we plan for these possibilities with wills, POA, legal paperwork, insurance, investments. We surely hope it never has to be used while the children are young. But the reality with COVID-19 and the political climate means that I have to think about it more as a probability.

Our will states my parents and my husband’s two sisters as next of kin, but that doesn’t ease my mind at all. My parents are old and my husband’s sisters have their own busy families. None of these people share my values at all.

While I feel assured my family would be ok long-term because of our financial planning, that doesn’t help me with the thoughts of how would they cope emotionally and psychologically or in the short-term.

My husband and I, and our three older kids, are all vaccinated and wear masks when we leave the house.

My husband works full-time, in a medical laboratory facility. He’s frontline and knows the statistics and risks. I’ve been very frightened for years what he could be exposed to or bring home. We did get H1N1 a couple years ago, even with the flu shot.

I’m the one who usually goes to the stores to buy groceries. I’m putting myself at risk every time I leave the house. Yes, I know I could use pickup or delivery services, but that has other issues. My greatest fear is asphyxiation. The thought of me contracting a deadly respiratory virus and possibly being hospitalized and intubated while quarantined, isolated, and alone is terrifying to me. I lie awake at night considering if I might have been exposed. Is that cramp the beginning? Did I just feel a tiny shortness of breath? Is my chest tightening? Is this COVID or anxiety or allergies? Will I be ambulanced away or dropped off at the ER and not be able to say goodbye to my family? The irony of my functional depression and constant suicide ideation is not lost on me as I realize I don’t want to die…like that.

I have food anxiety and constantly worry about stocking up on essentials and stress about my kids eating healthy meals and having snacks and enough sports drinks to stay hydrated. I worry even more what would happen if they had to somehow fend for themselves for a long period of time if I got sick or had to be hospitalized.

I’m terrified of my kids contracting the virus. How do we quarantine one in our house so the rest are safe? What if I have to leave my child alone in the hospital?

While my eldest is on her own, working fulltime and living with friends, she is still in a liminal space in her young life and I worry constantly about her wellbeing. A coworker just tested positive and my daughter caught a bad cold and we all held our breath until her COVID test showed “no detection.”

We have always homeschooled. My middle kids will be on the cusp of completing their academics and approaching graduation time in the next two years. While there is still a lot of paperwork for the state and hoops to jump through for them to enter college early, I don’t have so many worries about their education.

My son is only 11 and cannot be vaccinated yet. We’re planning a freaking family birthday party at our local drugstore for when he turns 12 and can get the shot. I’m only sort of joking.

The kids lost their neighborhood friends when some continued to play together while we were in lockdown and one teen boy decided it was the perfect time to inform us that all Muslims are terrorists and all LGBTQ will go to hell.

I worry how he would survive in a school environment or how he could continue homeschooling if something happened to his dad or me. How would his siblings be able to help or handle it?

We were never meant to live in perpetual crisis.

I chose to settle in suburbia so my kids could grow up in safety and peace and have a little nature to play in like I did when I was a child.

I feel lost, alone, scared, betrayed.

I can’t protect my kids from a society intent on killing its less valuable citizens.

I am enraged by people living in complacency or outright denial that there is a vast plague affecting the vulnerable populations around the world. I cannot fathom that governments and individuals really think it’s acceptable to sacrifice children, elderly, others who are most at risk of contracting and getting very ill or dying from this virus.

We are witnessing the collapse of our society like the slow motion fall of Rome while too many people cry that they just want to “return to normal” because that was comfortable for them and they benefited too well from that normal that was anything but normal for many.

We have the opportunity to improve our society, and correct past wrongs that have been highlighted by the too brief COVID shutdowns, but that seems like a fleeting pipe dream as we realize our rights are being reneged after decades, people are evicted and homeless and jobless, schools aren’t updating nor protecting our young, and we’re sacrificing our disrespected elderly to the gods of capitalism.

I am horrified but also feel paralyzed and helpless.

While I do believe that one person can help make a difference, I feel like a tiny teardrop in a bucket full of holes.

Too many financially stable and comfortable people who do care just a little only want to donate a little money or their used clothes and closet cleanouts and feel better about themselves, like that really helps anyone who needs help.

The social media posts from naysaying parents who don’t want their kids “controlled by politics, having to wear masks in school, nor live in fear” are just raising another generation of selfish and hateful people. My daughter takes a gymnastics class with a friend whose sister has COVID. Contact tracing and waiting and quarantine has us all in a panic, as we monitor every sniffle, sneeze, scratch in the throat.

I am perhaps not as shocked as I could be that many Christians are living like they’re going to be rescued by God despite not taking any precautions and showing their disdain for everyone else who is. I don’t think that’s the way it works. A deadly virus not a bipartisan or religious issue.

Vaccine mandates are really bringing out the worst in some people. They would rather quit their jobs than get a shot. And some of these people are in service and health industries, which makes me even sadder.

I am infuriated by all the people traveling, vacationing, going to church, concerts, and restaurants – like everything is not literally on fire and people are dying. They live in a different world.

I don’t want to see the fucking selfish blog posts and social media images of the beach vacations or restaurant dining. These people are putting everyone at risk as they pretend everything is fine.

I am disgusted by social media images of 13 beers on restaurant tables with cheerfully unmasked diners – as our children are hospitalized while politicians ridicule and deny anyone who fears a deadly virus and also refusing refugees any humanity and taking away human rights from women. My grandfather, father, and husband didn’t put on a uniform and serve their country for a publicity stunt.

People confuse patriotism with nationalism and only pick and choose who they deem worthy of honor.

We need systemic changes.

Linking up: Pinch of Joy, House on Silverado, Grammy’s Grid, Random Musings, Anita Ojeda, Anchored Abode, Suburbia, InstaaEncouragements, April Harris, Pam’s Party, Shelbee on the Edge, LouLou Girls, Mostly Blogging, Jenerally Informed, OMHG, Pieced Pastimes, LEO Wife, Thistle Key Lane, Ridge Haven, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap, Ducks in a Row, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Imparting Grace, Slices of Life, Cottage Market, Being a Wordsmith, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Cottage Market, Hubbard Home, Modern Monticello, Simply Beautiful, Create with Joy,