I don’t sugarcoat or make small talk.
I’m a straight shooter and people apparently find that intimidating.
I know who I am and what I want.
So…I struggle making friends.
Perhaps this is a season that will pass.
Maybe I’m just always on a stepping stone to somewhere else.
I’m always on the lookout for like-minded weirdos, but there always seems to be some hindrance to that.
We move around a lot.
Sometimes the hindrance is me.
I know I have issues.
But sometimes?
The hindrance is sometimes totally on someone else.
It’s important to be able to discern it.
Once you reach age 40, maybe you should have more of your shit together. You’ve had plenty of time and resources for self-loathing, therapy, grief, addiction recovery, getting to know yourself, parenting (even if you have to re-parent yourself), whatever you’ve dealt with. I’m really sorry about all of it, but I dealt with a lot of it too.
I understand your façade of a perfectionistic, yourwayorthehighway cold-hearted bitch hides your falling apart life, but I will not get into it with you over which hymn we should sing on Palm Sunday. It’s just not worth the argument. I will still smile and shake your hand during greeting time at church. And I like your boots.
I can overlook a lot, so much. I can smile and be friendly. But if you have severe unresolved personal issues? Then I don’t want to friend you on Facebook and have you stalk me online. I don’t want to have coffee or a meal with you. I don’t want to sit through a planning meeting with you. I don’t want to share responsibility on some committee with you. I don’t want my kids in a situation where you’re an authority figure over them.
“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” ~ Dreaming in the Shadows
These are things I realize:
A lot of people are lonely.
We live in a society where we’re all connected online, but we don’t know the name of our neighbors on our street. Coworkers are just acquaintances. The people we see in church each week are just a handshake.
We’re isolated by busyness. We make sure we don’t have time to slow down enough to think about our pain. Or joy. No one wants to feel emotions.
We don’t have any role models who show us how to be friends.
Our parents all worked full time and were busy too. Many of us are from broken homes. We were latchkey kids.
We were taught to fear and never trust others. Stranger danger! Don’t talk to people online!
That’s the only people I talk to!
We think stress, anxiety, depression are normal.
We try to hide our loneliness with stuff.
We constantly try to fill that hole with food, drugs, alcohol, shoes, scrapbooking, diets, throwing the kids into a gazillion after-school and weekend and summer break activities…
Friendliness is misconstrued as manipulation. We overthink it. Why are they smiling? Is something in my teeth? What do they want?
There’s a difference between loneliness and solitude and most people can’t handle healthy solitude. Or silence.
There’s a lot of unnecessary judgment.
Some judgment is healthy.
We need to judge the right moment to cross a busy street. We need to judge whether it’s cardi temperature or if we need a heavier jacket.
We need to discern right from wrong in many gray areas.
Judging others because of their clothing choices or their car or their Christmas decorations can hinder friendship. It’s silly.
Except the 25-foot Rudolph in the front yard across the street. That’s scary.
We’re all trying so hard to impress others with the wrong things for the wrong reasons that we miss out on so much.
It’s harder to understand tone and meaning online. Everything typed comes across as harsher, more sarcastic, cold.
Putting LOL or JK or an emoji after a mean, condescending, or judgy comment doesn’t make it better.
It’s still rude.
And we’re all so good not recognizing our own sins or hangups.
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5
What about toxicity?
We are called to judge immoral behavior within the church.
Let that sink in a moment.
We are not called to judge outsiders or unbelievers.
For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. 1 Corinthians 5:12-13
If you have a problem with someone, discuss it in love and in private.
Three strikes, you’re out though.
Don’t make room for toxicity in your life. I don’t have room or time for it.
“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you. Matthew 18:15-17
It’s hard to balance on that fence of healthy and unhealthy judgment.
Sometimes, we’re awkward.
I’m usually very awkward, especially around new people.
I kinda embrace my awkwardness now. My foot and mouth are intimately acquainted no matter how hard I try to be tactful. I’m just not graceful.
Lots of people have anxiety or awkwardness.
I try to discern whether someone is being really rude or if they’re just awkward. I really hate that whole “trying to have a conversation with someone and they’re constantly looking over your shoulder for someone else better.” That’s just rude.
Greeting time at church is a nightmare for me as an introvert. I avoid a lot of events with crowds or stick to being a wallflower.
I think it’s also true that we worry so much about what others think and they’re worrying so much about what others think that we’re not thinking about each other at all.
We all experience seasons.
Sometimes we’re more social or need to be alone or life circumstances bring us together or pull us apart.
People going through similar circumstances like to do that together.
I wouldn’t really know.
I never succeeded with pregnancy groups, MOPS, mom meetups, military wives clubs, or weight loss meetings.
I’m a leader.
I’m a teacher.
I’m a midnight thinker.
I have taught classes on single motherhood, finances, parenting, natural living, Sunday school.
I’m not a joiner.
I’m not a good student. Mostly because there are so few good teachers.
I don’t like meetings, lectures, or effing parties where I’m expected to buy jewelry, leggings, kitchen tools, sex toys, or essential oils.
It’s always been hard for me to fit in.
I guess we don’t fit a certain stereotype. We have 4 kids. We’re a military family. We homeschool. I’m liberal and progressive.
I cringe a lot when all people want to talk about are crappy TV shows or teen novels.
And I don’t do small talk.
small talk: polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters or any transactions ~wiki
We’ve all experienced suffering.
This can be an alienating situation or it can bring us together.
Maybe it’s a terminal illness.
Injury.
Surgery.
Chronic illness.
Disability.
Maybe the stress of having a special needs child.
Broken relationships.
Toxicity.
Infidelity.
Divorce.
Abuse. Assault. PTSD.
Addiction.
Mental illness.
Sexuality.
The list goes on and on.
And you know? What I’ve suffered is no worse to me than what you’ve suffered is to you.
It’s not a contest as to who has suffered more or worse.
We’re all in this together.
The church is a house for the broken. It is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. ~Abigail Van Buren
People of faith are nurses, doctors, counselors…and patients – wherever they go.
With arms wide open.
It takes a lot of effort to be a real friend.
Sometimes the next stepping stone seems so far away.
This really got me right in the soul. I struggle to make friends, also. It can be lonely… and I’ve often felt that the ‘stepping stone’ analogy applied to me too, although never have I articulated that feeling so clearly as you have done here! This has given me a lot to reflect on… thank you for your honesty and for your sharing this truth. Blessings! x
I’m beginning to believe we introverts are actually in the majority but since we keep to ourselves no one knows. Blogging seems to be a safe place for us and a good place to meet each other. Nice to hear from you Jennifer. Thank you and your husband for your service, I am a vet’s wife, although met him after he was discharged. I like your blog.
Thanks so much! Introverts UNITE. alone at home. lol
Jennifer, this —> “We’re all trying so hard to impress others with the wrong things for the wrong reasons that we miss out on so much.” is SO TRUE! You and I sound a lot alike. I have a difficult time making committed friendships as well. I love your points here.
Pinned.
Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements!
You say a lot of good things in this post. You say you are a straight shooter and that it intimidates people. I’m pretty frank myself, but not at the beginning. Perhaps you are more like a steam roller and people feel you don’t listen and you roll over their beliefs? It takes about two years of small talk, group events, teaching Sunday school, to REALLY fit into a church body, where people seek you out.
Sounds like you do not DO small talk. It doesn’t have to be tv. It could be homeschool, recipes, moving, family, health, faith, travel, military, being frugal. Just not politics, as that can distance people.
Small talk ALWAYS begins with the weather or they say how tired they are…because that leads into what they have been doing and then you look for common ground. Small talk is an opening to see if the other person shows an interest in continuing a conversation. You HAVE to do it.
This includes going to those parties you don’t want to go to. I rarely went because I didn’t have the money to spend. But if you set a limit of $20 and go, you put your foot in the door of FRIENDLINESS. If you want a friend, you must SHOW UP. That doesn’t mean you have to go to all the events, esp. if $ is involved, but you need to show up to church events at least half the time, no matter how stupid you think it is. That is how people get to know you.
After the initial opening weather remark, then you can ask them how they came to be at this church, or event, or even the state.
Look for another person not talking with anyone and YOU be the one to initiate. I go to very multi-cultural churches and sometimes it is very difficult to understand people who are just learning English, but if you persist, they will be forever grateful that you took the time to make THEM feel welcome.
We must take the TIME to invite at least one person over once a month. Different people or the same. I am down to only ONE friend who wants to meet monthly, because the majority of my friends have left the state, and the ones still here are too busy and let friendships go. It’s sad, but it IS just for a season. You have to find new friends.
Go to lunch with someone every single Sunday after church – call people up the day before and ask someone. Never eat alone (your family should always be with another lonely person, or another family). Don’t let a no make you not ask someone else. Tell the person, “I want to meet more people in our church and eat with someone new every Sunday – which Sunday would you like to join us for lunch at such and such restaurant?” If you can pick up the tab, great, but if you can’t that’s okay. They may want to join you each Sunday in meeting new people, and your group will grow. Just make sure you leave a big tip!
Blessings to you, and I hope you soon make a friend.
That’s a lot of shoulds and assumptions.
We move so frequently that as soon as we start to almost feel like we’re fitting in, we move again.
I am obviously a very good listener. I learned long ago as a child that if I let people talk, they will reveal so much about themselves. Most people just want to complain – about their spouse, kids, job, neighbors, church, government. I can just ask a few leading questions and nod and make eye contact and they will just run their mouths.
We’ve often invited people to dine with us – even vegans and people with severe dietary restrictions. We want everyone to feel welcome at our table. And we know they’re seldom invited to others’ homes.
I am not shy. I do initiate. Obviously I realize that small talk is an icebreaker, but I find it frustrating that it’s ALL people say. They’re more comfortable with shallow conversation than anything important, mostly because of their empty minds. They all want just sycophants who kowtow to them, even if they’re wrong or mean.
So, thanks for your veiled insults hidden in unsolicited advice and a prayer for me to find a friend.
I’m a straight-shooter too but I’ve learned even delivering hard truths can be done in kindness. I have a lot of friends who appreciate my forthrightness!
Beautiful post, Jennifer! I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve too. People don’t have to wonder where they stand with me. I put it all out there in the open. That is not always the way to win popularity contests, and I am kind, but it is who I am – unadorned, no makeup me!
I like “unadorned.” That’s a great word!
I think there is plenty of room for strong women who have opinions and who are willing to share them. Certainly this is more true today than it was 35 years ago. Even so, close friends of the heart are rare, and I wish this blessing for you. When we’re “too much” for everyone, it’s comforting to be loved “anyway.”
I always look forward to your words of wisdom!
I can relate to much of what you’ve shared here!
Thank you, thank you. At 71, I find that I am far more picky about the company I keep too. Having always been shy at first, warming up as I get to know people, I truly am a loner until I reach some point where the person I am meeting again and again either is a person I want to spend more time with or is NOT! Then that is it. Overall, I would rather be alone much of the time. Small talk is not my deal either. But rather than feel inadequate, I end up being quiet. And on and on it goes. I seem to do better with children as I taught the primary-ages for years and I can be me with them. I like that. They are themselves with me. Funny how we are from a child…and some change a lot, some a little, some not at all. Thanks for being yourself here and allowing me into a world I know so well but do not mention. Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Thank you for your frankness. As a fellow introvert I identify with a lot you said. Like greeting time at church. Yea, that. Awkward! I also tend to be a wallflower, but I’m trying to make more of an effort at reaching out to others. Especially someone else sitting or standing alone, like me. Maybe my quiet hello and shy smile of acknowledgement is just what they need to not feel as alone either.
I clicked on your post at a link party because I thought it was a post on actual stepping stones and I need some for my yard! Anyway…I have to give you credit for speaking up about something people don’t really want to admit, like me! I know I would really rather not have to shake hands with people around me at church. It is almost stressful! I never know who I should turn to first, did I miss greeting someone (oh no they are judging me now and think I am awful for being so rude to them!) So, thank you for your post. It’s good to know that there are other awkward people in the world!
I am like you in that I dont have friends and I dont like all the people chat. When I was in the service business I talked to people all day long and with some of them, I had a connection in some way. But for the most part, I am alone, not so good when your a widow and 72. I also dont like to spend much time talking on the phone with people.
Much to take in with your post, thank you for linking back ot Oh My Heartsie Girl each week, I appreciate your stopping by!
I hope you have a great weekend.
Thank you for you insight. It’s a hard road we’re walking sometimes.