The holidays are a busy time and many children are manipulated in order to receive presents.
I don’t ever like how children are treated differently than adults, but it really frosts me around the holidays.
No one forces adults to do something they don’t want to do. No one asks adults insulting questions.
Respectful Parenting During the Holidays
All children are good.
I don’t buy into the idea of naughty or nice.
I don’t like it when strangers, friends, acquaintances, or relatives ask my kids if they’ve been good this year.
Behaviors don’t imply inherent goodness or badness.
We don’t believe in rewards or punishments. We communicate and discuss emotions and issues. We work through disagreements and big feelings.
Behavior is just communication. It is adults who judge behaviors as “good” or “bad.” Most kids act age appropriately.
Children long to do good and desire connection with caregivers, family members, friends.
All children are good.
Research reveals that a person’s “goodness” was seen by both age groups as more of a biological, innate trait than “badness.” Both children and adults were more likely to say that goodness, rather than badness, was something with which people are born and a fundamental, unchanging part of who they are.
Larisa Heiphetz
No threats.
I loathe the Elf on a Shelf and all its many variations.
I don’t need spies on my children.
I don’t control or manipulate my kids.
Even a funny and cute bully violates family trust.
There is no good or bad behavior. Behavior is just communication.
I’m really irritated by social media posts and blogs offering parenting advice about throwing empty wrapped presents into the fire or phone calls from “Santa” admonishing kids.
Of course people can buy all the commercial Pinteresting trappings for an Elf or Doll or Toy just for fun and/or change the purpose to be kind and respectful with the mission of charitable calls to action. Bravo and carry on.
I just don’t have time or desire for any of that for 24 days.
Ideas to do instead:
Gifts don’t come with rules.
I remember some really weird and horrific gifts as a kid. I know it was hard for me to say thanks or hide my disappointment.
I remember my mother being horrified and embarrassed and scolding me later. Southern ladies paste on a smile no matter what.
I realize our society expects gratitude for gifts. I encourage my kids to say thanks even if the present is disappointing. We discuss the situation later.
With some very special items, I do offer recommendations to my kids if it might require extra or unique care.
Yes, it’s really hard sometimes to see something used differently than I would choose to use it.
My kids know that a gift is theirs to do whatever they please with it.
- upcycle or repurpose
- donate
- throw away
- share or not
- display
- get dirty
Gifts shouldn’t come with conditions.
We don’t believe in taking our children’s possessions away as a punishment. I don’t control my kids with their toys. If they have trouble cleaning up, I help them.
Santa can be scary.
My first child adored Santa and anything that dressed up in a costume. I didn’t question the tradition.
We stopped “doing Santa” when my second child was terrified of him.
I didn’t like her fear. I wasn’t going to subject my young child to sit on a stranger’s lap for a photo opportunity.
I argued with my husband about it. I didn’t want to lie to our children about a fantasy commercialized man who climbs down chimneys with toys. We didn’t even have a chimney for years and had a dumb “Santa Key” from Hallmark.
We celebrate Saint Nicholas. We read during Advent.
There is no magic lost. My kids have always loved to read stories about Santa and elves. They’re fairy tales like all the others we love to read.
No forced affection.
I remember being forced into hugs and kisses from aunts, uncles, and cousins. I didn’t like not having control over it. I remember feeling bad for being scolded for not wanting to do it or not appearing happy enough about it.
I try to prepare my kids if and when we visit relatives.
I warn my kids about expectations. I offer my kids alternatives like shaking hands or fist bumps.
I act as a buffer between my children and overbearing adults.
It’s not my or my child’s fault if some grown adult gets her feelings hurt.
Kids own their bodies and can decide for themselves how and when to show affection.
Slow down.
The holidays can be a very busy time.
They don’t have to be.
Consider the natural rhythms of children. Meals, naps, bedtimes schedules are very important for kids.
Most negative behaviors come from disrupting the schedule or not taking kids’ emotions and needs into consideration.
Kids know when they’re hungry and what they like to eat. Don’t force them to try something just to be polite.
Let them open gifts at their own pace or take breaks or even bring the item home to open later.
Let kids help decorate and help make holiday decisions.
Routines need to be a priority. If this means cutting activities, visits, parties short, then the children’s needs should come first.
We collect holiday books that we read daily in December. We watch holiday movies at least every Friday in December.
There are certainly lots of takes on all this and some can be manipulative, as you pointed out. When we came to know the Lord, we let our children know that Jesus is real and that Santa is just a fictional character.
I would stop short of saying all children are good. All children are born sinners just like each of us and need to come to the place where they see their inability to change themselves so they can see their need for a Savior. But that comes about not by trying to be good but by accepting forgiveness from the only One who is truly good.
Our job as parents, in part, is to love them with Christ’s love and help them understand that God loves them so much, He was willing to come to earth, be born as a baby, live a sinless life, and die in our place. We prepare their hearts to understand that little by little not by threatening or manipulating but by loving and being the parents God has called us to be.
Blessings as you seek to parent well and continue to share in the coming year.
I always love your comments. They make me think and do research. I do appreciate your thoughts and opinions based on experience.
I don’t believe in Calvinist Total Depravity doctrine. I like how it’s explained here: https://jesusalive.cc/ques156.htm
I don’t like the translation of “good” in Romans 3. It is more accurate to use “righteous.”
δίκαιος díkaios, dik’-ah-yos; from ; equitable (in character or act); by implication, innocent, holy (absolutely or relatively):—just, meet, right(-eous).
I think many churches simplify Romans and use it as a weapon against children and nonChristians. It was never meant to be used the way American evangelicals use it.
Your definitions and understanding of a parent’s job are pretty spot-on. I think we would have lively iron-sharpening debate if we attended Bible study together.
Blessings and Merry Christmas!
Really enjoyed this exchange–an example of respectful treatment in real life! Thanks to both of you for insights designed to sharpen parents and grandparents.
Excellent advice. pinned
I’m not an Elf on the Shelf fan either—he’s a little creepy! And Santa can be scary! I agree. Here in Atlanta, we have Pricilla the Pink Pig. I have the first-hand experience and can testify that she can be just a scary as Santa. LOL
As far as all children being good, that’s not what the Bible says. None of us are good. Our hearts are deceitful, even to the point of deceiving our own selves (Jeremiah 17:9), and Romans 3:10-12 tells us that none of us are good.
I am so glad that Christmas is part of God’s redemptive plan! Despite how warm and fuzzy we try to make Christmas, it is inseparably linked to Good Friday and Easter Sunday. The baby born in that manger is the man who dies on the cross. The baby crying at birth is the man who cried, ”It is finished!” at death. The baby sleeping in Mary’s arms is the man who rose from the dead with the gift of eternal life for all who repent and believe.
Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I grew up south of Atlanta. I remember the Priscilla Pig pink train at Rich’s.
Romans 3:10-12 says:
As it is written, None is righteous, just and truthful and upright and conscientious, no, not one.
No one understands [no one intelligently discerns or comprehends]; no one seeks out God.
All have turned aside; together they have gone wrong and have become unprofitable and worthless; no one does right, not even one!
There is none that doeth good … is quoted from Psalms 14:1, and Psalms 53:1,3, and was here directed by Paul against the last stronghold of Jewish presumption, that of any alleged superiority over the Gentiles. This single quotation, reiterated in the Old Testament, was more than enough to sustain Paul’s proposition; but he went much further and listed specific sins of Israel and confirmed each with an Old Testament reference. This larger list of twelve specifics was presented by Paul in two sections: (1) sins against their relationship with God (Romans 3:10-12) and (2) sins against fellow creatures (Romans 3:12-18), each class of sins being introduced by the quotation from Psalms 53:3, “There is none righteous, etc.”
I like this: https://askgramps.org/romans-323-include-infants-children/
δίκαιος díkaios, dik’-ah-yos; from ; equitable (in character or act); by implication, innocent, holy (absolutely or relatively):—just, meet, right(-eous).
These Bible verses have NOTHING to do with children.
I don’t believe that children are born bad. I think that is abusive doctrine and encourages parents to do battle within their homes. Children naturally want connection and naturally desire to do good. It is traumatized or insecure adults who don’t know any better than teach kids to do wrong. We have generations and generations of dysfunction and many churches enable it further by saying that children are bad. The Santa “naughty or nice” list just perpetuates this fear-inducing and abusive tactic.
Thank you for encouraging me to clarify my thoughts and position.
Merry Christmas!
Some interesting things to think on here. Visiting you from the instaencouragements link up. laurensparks.net
So good… I am consistently thankful that Elf on the Shelf was not a thing when we were raising our little family! So much pressure… and manipulation… (and lying…) We skipped the whole Santa deal too –partially because we wanted Jesus to be our focus and partly because our girlie was painfully shy as a baby/toddler/preK and it seemed mean and a mixed message to tell her to sit on a strangers’ lap and talk to him! We just opted out of that whole thing and it worked for us! I’ve asked her recently if she feels like she missed out on any of the magic of it all and she assures me that she never felt left out! Great tips/reminders here –as always!
Hi, Jennifer. Happy New Year! Thank you for sharing this on Traffic Jam Weekend! It has been chosen as a fave feature for this week’s party going live on Thursday at 5:00 pm CST.