It took twenty years to “reach” my husband.

It’s complicated.

It’s hard growing and changing and evolving alone.

He thought I would leave him when I received access to my inheritance six months ago, so in desperation and fear, he said all the things he thought I wanted to hear, but it was just lip service and everything very quickly went back to the way it’s always been and the kids are old enough now that they notice and they’re not as forgiving as I have always been.

It’s too easy for him to be complacent and thoughtless and invisible. I was too busy to deal with it except periodically – the same argument for decades.

The transition to retirement after twenty years of working outside the home is hard for him. He has no place here in the house. He never wanted to make decisions. He left it all up to me and now he’s hurt and confused and constantly in the way. He yearns to feel needed, but we have spent all these years on our own.

The “Nice Guy” Dilemma: A passive, over-accommodating, validation-seeking man with unclear boundaries who avoids conflict at all costs.

He is in denial that he ever experienced trauma. He has no friends, no hobbies, no interests. He bids constantly to his sisters and brother-in-law, and chats online with his college roommate and past coworkers. He craves affirmation and attention that is undeserved and unearned.

All the excuses, the ultimatums. He wasn’t raised; he wasn’t trained to be a husband whereas I was trained to be everything to everyone. I guess I expected more and that’s on me. There is no team or partnership if I do it all and am expected to think, plan, feel, and anticipate everything for everyone. I’m not even the curious anthropologist trying to figure him out anymore. Curiosity is met with anger.

I gave up my career for this?

Our entire society sets up men and really all people for failure in relationships – failure to recognize self and how be a healthy individual.

All the jokes, memes, complaints online about men won’t go to therapy…so many hurting people who don’t even recognize their trauma or are in absolute denial they ever experienced any abuse or neglect.

We are taught to look to others for completion and happiness. We are not taught how to be emotionally healthy or how to communicate nonviolently.

Men “have a hard time expressing their emotions. (This is so common there’s even a technical term for it: “normative male alexithymia.”) 

Article: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

Many of us and especially men have no friends, no one outside their families. They may have acquaintances at work and they may “socialize” but it is shallow unmeaningful activity.

Men rely on their moms, sisters, girlfriend or wife – for everything.

Now that I will be fifty next year, I just don’t care anymore. I refuse to bear the burden when no one rescues or cares for me. I will protect myself and plan for a future alone. I don’t have to waste away while I still have dreams and goals.

Article: Men have no friends and women bear the burden.

“The older women get, the less willing they seem to be a man’s everything—not only because we become more confident, wise, and, well, tired with age, but because our responsibilities pile up with each passing year.”

I refused the mental labor of handling my husband’s sisters and their kids. I refused to play the trophy military wife. I refused to sacrifice myself and my kids on the altar of the American church. I refused to allow my kids to witness the assimilation of myself into an entity only known as Mrs. I watched my parents in an awful marriage and spent the last six months trying to keep them safe.

I refuse to compromise myself.

I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better. ~Maya Angelou

I’ve grown as a person, as a parent, as a wife. I have never been, nor am I, perfect. But I am not who I was even a few years ago. I am a different and evolving and healing person while he remains stagnant. And that’s the sadness.

My parents and my husband and his family are disengaged, passive, uninterested, detached.

I refuse to accept low effort relationships. I don’t understand the shallow self-centered mediocrity, the surface-level small talk, the obliviousness of all the wonders of life. I’ve asked myself since I was eight years old, why? Why is everyone like this? Is it me?

I don’t understand the lack of interests. Even at my lowest points, my darkest depressions, I have always had music, movies, books, nature. I have done my shadow work and read all the books and watched the videos and gone to therapy (which didn’t help, but I tried), and worked on myself and studied my faults to improve.

I’ve asked him what legacy he plans to leave the kids? What memories will they have? Is he content with his lack of relationship with them? What if they all move away and never come back? I don’t know what catalyst there can be to initiate change at this point.

Everyone I have ever known is just going through the motions of living.

What to do when you don’t want or can’t divorce or live separately?

Change the mindset that the other can be fixed or even understands or desires change. There is no active abuse; there’s just distance and disconnect. I’m just tired of reaching out. I’m exhausted.

Ten signs of silent divorce:

1. You live like roommates, not partners.

There’s no teamwork, shared goals, or emotional connection – just coexisting.

2. Communication has stopped.

Conversations feel surface-level, limited to logistics like bills or schedules, with no deeper connection.

3. Physical intimacy is nonexistent.

There’s little to no affection, whether it’s holding hands, hugging, or spending quality time together.

4. You feel lonelier with them than when you’re alone.

Emotional distance can feel even heavier when you’re sharing space with someone.

5. There’s no conflict but also no connection.

Lack of arguments doesn’t mean things are fine; it can mean you’ve stopped engaging altogether.

6. You’re no longer a priority.

Your partner doesn’t invest time or energy in you or your relationship.

7. You avoid spending time together.

You find excuses to be busy or away from home, or even separate while at home.

8. You daydream about a different life.

You fantasize about being single or with someone else, or even just alone and at peace.

9. You feel stuck or resigned.

You’ve accepted unhappiness as your new normal.

10. You’ve lost respect for each other.

Small irritations have grown into contempt or disgust.

(List: Libby Finlayson)

Some of this list are just the way it always has been. It’s all we’ve ever witnessed in our parents, siblings, peers, church acquaintances, even in pop culture. It’s considered normal and accepted.

It’s like there’s something wrong with me for longing for more. I’m asking for too much. My expectations too high.

It is exhausting for wives to be everything to her husband.

I choose myself and my kids. I have created this empire.

Marriage is scam that only benefits men. I stopped auditioning for crumbs.

You might also like:

• Emotional Health
• Real Self Care
• When He Has a Headache
• Grieving Family Who Are Still Alive
• Teaching Kids About Healthy Relationships
• What If I Don’t Have Friends?

Resources:

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman 
• The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman
• Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 
• The Marriage You Want: Moving beyond Stereotypes for a Relationship Built on Scripture, New Data, and Emotional Health by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire