This morning I again pulled away from the smothering hugs of my children.
It was the day my daughter asked me why I don’t like love.
It cut me straight through.
I paused with my coffee cup halfway to my lips, my finger poised to scroll down on my iPhone.
My eyes prickled and my ears got warm.
I couldn’t look at her.
“I’m broken.”
She nervously laughed and snuggled closer.
“It’s like a dog you abuse and beat and then expect it to let you pet it.”
She informed me that I am not beaten.
Wise girl!
“Not physically beaten, no. But words often hurt more. And I’m still scarred. It makes it hard for me.”
I’m not in denial so much anymore.
I’m not affectionate.
For years, I blamed it on my German-American heritage, my INTJ personality, that I need a cuppa before anyone should communicate with me.
Anything so that I wouldn’t have to confront it or change.
But there are studies that we need affection, human touch, at least a dozen occurrences of it every day for spiritual and mental health. For relationship.
My family needs more than a reluctant good morning hug and a tired good night kiss.
So, I retrain myself to lean in closer, accept the hugs and return them. To seek out my children randomly for affection.
Because I’ve noticed the kids don’t run to me for hugs so much as they used to. They’re learning a wrong way. It’s sad.
And my husband too.
He has suffered greatly by my lack of affection.
I don’t want to pull away anymore.
I know as mom’s we all tend to get busy and so caught up with day to day tasks that unknowingly (and sometimes knowing), we tend to push them away so we can finish our tasks of the day (or at least I do). I commend you for noticing and making an effort. In our house I am the responsible one, I don’t get to play as many games with the kids and do the fun stuff because I’m preparing meals, cleaning, helping with homework, planning our week, and the list goes on. Sometimes I have to make myself let it all pile up and lay on the floor with a board game and my boys. Sad that it’s hard to “find time” to spend with them after making the choice to be a stay at home mom, but I think we tend to be “doing” so much that it leaves less time for “feeling” as much. I don’t know what has happened in your life, nor do I pretend to know what happens now, I just wanted to comment that you are not alone. I know you’re loved, and your children are blessed to have you as a mom. :)
Janis
Thanks!