I don’t teach purity to my children.
I have three daughters and one son. Of course I want them to have healthy sexual values.
But some Christians aren’t even really sure what healthy sexual values should be.
I didn’t grow up with any moral compass. Appearances mattered more than my heart and soul. I made lots of mistakes.
I don’t think the Christian purity movement is the answer. I don’t think old-fashioned courting is the answer. I’m not fond of any of these terms or “spiritual movements.”
What is purity?
- Free of dirt, pollutants, infectious agents, or other unwanted elements
- Containing nothing inappropriate or extraneous
- Having no moral failing or guilt
None of us is ever pure.
Children are often (and should be) innocent in the ways of the world, but eventually, the world seeps in despite all our parental efforts to protect.
I don’t want my children to grow up with no knowledge of the world, to fall into the trusting trap that all people are inherently good. I want them to be wise and have the ability to discern.
All sorts of dysfunction arise when you preach against something natural as bad and evil but offer no alternatives and don’t teach discernment.
Only Jesus is without sin.
To teach that we are ever pure is just wrong.
I teach my child that purity is found only through conforming our minds to Christ. I make sure they understand the central and biblical idea of purity and not just conforming outwardly to a spirtual idea without knowing why we should.
Most Christians say “purity,” but they really mean modesty and virginity.
And why isn’t there anything out there to teach BOYS modesty?
To teach we should remain untouched by the opposite sex until a pretty ceremony magically and suddenly removes an invisible cloak on our purity is just wrong.
And if we teach our kids that they are pure until they lose their virginity, what are they afterwards? Impure? That idea doesn’t go away just because a white dress ceremony happened.
Too many Christians I knew in my teens and youth stretched all the limits when it came to their “purity.” They would do everything and anything except go all the way. Even though I didn’t consider myself a Christian, they didn’t make any sense to me with their compromises. I was disgusted. Hot or cold, never lukewarm. Have some conviction.
Virtue is so much more than virginity. It should be a way of life. Modesty should be a mindset and it shouldn’t matter so much how long a hemline is or if shoulders show instead of how courteous and compassionate someone is.
In light of so much sexual misconduct and confusion in the media, I must address the purity topic with my family. My kids ask questions. They know the trends.
Teaching purity isn’t the answer.
I don’t want to set my children up for failure.
Since purity is an unreachable goal for man to pursue in his own strength, it doesn’t make sense to teach anyone can attain it. The purity movement doesn’t allow for failure, stumbles, or regret. It doesn’t teach grace or how to handle any social situations with the opposite sex.
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
When we strive for an unreachable goal:
- We feel less-than, hopeless, worthless.
- We give up.
- We become depressed.
- We become stressed.
- We think: what does it matter then?
- We become frustrated.
- We rebel.
Why I won’t teach my kids purity:
My teen has no desire for a “purity weekend.”
I know many parents with tweens or teens enjoy the purity weekend stuff. There’s a huge market for all sorts of books, DVDs, jewelry, and whatnot to the Christian population for purity talks.
I have ongoing conversations with my children about all sorts of hard topics and difficult issues.
My teen feels her behavior and values should stand alone, without outward symbols that could invite ridicule or uncomfortable questions from peers. She decided mostly on her own that it’s not the right time for dating now. Her friends all know and respect this.
We don’t feel the need to buy purity rings to symbolize virginity.
If she loses or damages the ring, what then?
If she makes mistakes and loses her “purity,” what then?
I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin, not constantly terrified of having an impure thought, word, or touch.
I want her to guard her heart as well as her body from harm.
It’s more than rules.
I don’t want to be just a rule enforcer with my kids. This is more about their hearts than their hemlines or how far they can go and still maintain their “purity.”
Drilling my kids in purity rules is legalism and doesn’t teach them anything useful. I could mandate when hand holding is appropriate, teach to never kiss a boy, and to refrain from any physical touch with someone of the opposite sex.
It will just instill a feeling of rebellion and create feelings of less-than.
I want them to follow the teachings of Christ, not some “spiritual movement.”
I’m concerned about the patriarchal fundamentalist stay-at-home-daughter cult ideals.
I’ve read a lot of this propaganda and it teaches that girls are only worthwhile and attractive when they are 110% to their fathers, brothers, pastors, and eventually to their husbands. It’s all about control.
I want more for my daughters.
Purity is an idol.
Too many Christians worship the idea of purity. Abstinence of all sexual ideas until marriage. They don’t even want to teach the science or facts to their children.
Ignorance isn’t bliss.
What if “purity” isn’t maintained?
What if a child is exposed to pornography?
What if a teen or youth stumbles?
It’s better to teach the ideas behind modesty and abstinence. Of course, kids need to know what the Bible says about relationships, sexual and otherwise.
I think the issue is about intimacy.
Intimacy:
- having a very close relationship : very warm and friendly
- very personal or private
- involving sex or sexual relations
Children and teens should not seek to be intimate with another of the opposite sex. There is no reason for it. They don’t need practice dating. They should not be encouraged to have boyfriends or girlfriends while they are in middle school or high school. Children should not have private relationships. They need guidance from parents about how to navigate relationships. Intimate relationships very often lead to sexual relationships.
The purity idol doesn’t teach consent.
What if abuse, assault, rape occurs? Is that child no longer pure? What does that say to them as victims? This is just furthering rape culture that girls are “dirty” if they’ve been “ruined.”
What happens when a happy young couple does get married? Does that idea that sex is bad and dirty just magically lift?
I know many parents mean well by limiting music and movies and books with anything sexually tempting. But there is so much great literature and film out there. Instead of forbidding it, why not teach maturity and use it as a lesson? (And no, I’m not advocating 50 Shades of Grey!)
There are still rampant double standards out there:
It is not a mistake when women are compared to objects…
– Greener grass
– Flower that lost it’s petals
– Chewed gum
– Cow (“Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”)
– Fine china
– Precious cargo…and men are the humans with agency in the scenario.
– The human gardener watering the grass
– The human plucking the petals
– The human chewing the gum
– The human buying/using the cow
– The human owning/placing the china
– The human protecting/carrying the cargoThis is an attack (though subtle) on the very humanity of girls.
What will I teach my kids instead of purity?
The ultimate goal is healthy relationships…not just abstinence of all sexual relations until marriage. Our society scoffs that this is impossible. Certainly it is a difficult path, and most people would find a thirty-year-old virgin laughable. One argument would be to marry younger rather than later. Our culture expects teens to have sex, and certainly promotes sexual activity for college-age and young adults.
How can I equip my kids to protect good personal and moral values?
I will keep an open conversation.
The idea of abstinence until marriage is counter-cultural. The older my children get, the harder it will be on them to maintain those values in a culture that ridicules this “old-fashioned” idea and teaches its opposite, often as a double standard.
I want to be a sounding board, helping them to navigate social interactions and giving them tips to escape from uncomfortable advances, and avoiding difficult situations.
They need practical advice, from learning slang to inappropriate gestures and body language. If they’re clueless, they are potential victims.
I want to be here for my kids. I want to be the one to answer the hard questions.
How far is too far?
If they think it’s disgusting to see their parents or grandparents doing it, then that’s a good warning.
I want to be open-minded and I want my kids to talk to me about their relationships with friends and potential significant others.
What can they do if they’re in {whatever} situation?
Being up front and honest with people should prevent any misunderstanding. I hope that I’m just a phone call away to help if I’m needed.
Having a code word to alert to danger quickly so I can pick her up without explanation is a plan to implement soon.
Always sticking with a trusted friend for safety in numbers is another good idea.
Self defense lessons might be a goal.
I will point them to the Bible.
The Bible is clear that we are not to engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage. It has clear teachings on what marriage should be.
In light of recent events, marriage is a huge topic in the media, church, and in our household.
Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. Romans 13:13-14
We should honor God with our bodies: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20
It is better to marry than to burn with passion: 1 Corinthians 7:1-16
We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day. 1 Corinthians 10:8
Ephesians 5 has a great explanation of godly marriage.
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4
We discuss Scripture and how we can follow it despite what the world teaches. Yes, sometimes, it’s hard. Yes, there is opposition from even other lukewarm or liberal Christians.
The Bible shouldn’t be used as a weapon. I want my kids to hide its words in their hearts. We start very young, before they even understand what marriage, sex, or relationships are. We revisit the verses and concepts over and over, expanding on their teachings and meanings as they get older and understand more.
I will point out examples from history and society, both good and bad.
There are plenty of examples warning of the consequences of sexual sin in history, literature, movies, and our society.
I will never teach my kids that anyone is beyond hope.
Mistakes are made and anyone can be forgiven. We read of historical figures who made poor choices but redeemed their past with a 180* and learned the errors of their ways.
We discuss how the Holy Spirit and godly counsel can help us stay strong in our convictions and what to do if we stumble.
The media offers up lots of fodder for conversation and we discuss what’s going on with celebrities frankly. I have discussions with my kids about what’s popular.
I ask what they think and I share my views. Children don’t mince words. They know what’s right and wrong and that is typically absolute. The world compromises and deals in shades of gray.
We’ve also been discussing popular music a lot lately. Taylor Swift’s new songs have terrible messages for tweens and teens and I explain to my kids why her lyrics are bad. We also joke about most songs on the radio having to do with sex.
It gets more difficult when we grow up and are influenced by peers with different views, especially compromising Christians who have a foot on both sides of the line.
I will pray.
As a parent, I need to step up my prayer time the older my children get. They need more spiritual help as they become independent.
It’s very, very hard to maintain our convictions. It’s much more difficult for children with less life experience to stand firm in their beliefs.
I will pray for my kids to have strength.
I will pray for their friends and relationships. I will pray they will be good influences. I will pray my kids are good examples to others.
I will pray for their safety.
I will pray for their spiritual growth. I will pray they can stay busy learning and growing in Christ.
I will pray for their success as adults, that they will discover their talents and gifts and hone them and use them for the good of society and to the glory of God.
I will pray for future spouses.
I will pray for their hearts to be protected from false or damaging or broken relationships. Dating and intimate relationships for young adults (for anyone!) can be treacherous to hearts and minds.
Anyone can have physical sex. Yes, there can be physical consequences. The emotional scars and psychological trauma from casual relationships can often be worse than any physical effects.
The language of the purity movement concerns me.
I’m sure there are many fine couples who successfully maneuvered the purity movement and are happily married.
I don’t want to take my chances with the potential negatives I see.
I want to teach my kids a better way.
I want them to be safe and have healthy relationships – emotionally and physically. I want them to grow up and enjoy everything that a godly marriage has to offer.
Another good article: Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed
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What wise wise words! I feel like the language of the purity movement concerns me too. And it can very much be an idol, I can say that that was true of part of my own life! I am going to pin this and refer back… such good tips!
Thank you, Stasia!
I totally agree with you!
Hey Jennifer,
I came over on the #Goodtips link up today, and I’m glad to find your site. I also followed you on Twitter and Pinterest and pinned your photo to this link: https://www.pinterest.com/melredd/blog-link-parties-and-blog-link-ups/
What a great concept, picture and message! I love the way you are focused more on the reality instead of the regulations, the relationship over the rules. I’m going to share your post on my Facebook page today at this link: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ministry-of-Hope-with-Melanie-Redd/1539488326339074?ref=hl
Both of my kids are in college now, and we have had some of these same discussions with our kids. Life is messy, and I’m with you on approach. Point them to Jesus, talk honestly, pray like crazy and be ready for whatever comes!
I look forward to connecting again in the days to come~
Blessings,
Melanie
Thank you SO MUCH, Melanie. I know life is messy. I know I want more of a relationship with my kids than my husband and I had with our parents. Moms and Dads have to realize we can’t save our children (they make their own choices!) but we can pray, guide, counsel, and love no matter what.
You make some really good points. It is good to point our children to Jesus, an intimate relationship with Him is the focus. Many blessings to you and your family ❤️
Thank you, Beth!
Thank you for writing your thoughts on a public forum. I navigated the “Purity Movement” with “success” (according to those who taught it). But I’ve been left with so many unseen scars, wounds still healing. I’ve also watched my sisters and friends fall prey to situations that were unfavorable due to not being taught the simple things like what an advancement is and how to avoid it. I’ve seen them unknowingly give permission for unwanted advancement. I knew I wanted different for my daughter, and your words are a great encouragement to me. I hope to teach her these things you’ve written.
Oh, Lisa, I’m SO SORRY you have wounds and scars. I pray more speak up and we can all learn from mistakes of our parents and heal our children with a better path. I am brutally honest with my teen daughter because I want her to be aware and stay safe. There’s no excuse for naivete. The world will teach if we don’t!
I really appreciated the thought and time that was put into this post. Some time ago I wrote about my own experience of growing up very familiar with all the rhetoric of the purity movement, and agreeing with the concepts and sticking to them myself, but then finding, when I was facing the fact of my own, real-life marriage, that “purity” alone isn’t all that’s needed to build a marriage.
Thank you for the affirmation. I didn’t grow up with the purity movement but I have seen many attempt to navigate it and fail. I have seen too many compromise and bend the rules. I think honesty in a marriage is important. I think as our kids grow up, it’s important to educate them so they’re not ignorant about the ways of the world. We can’t just insulate them until their wedding day!
I agree with your perspective on this subject, and will whole-heartedly approach it in the same manner. I don’t want my kids to misinterpret purity, but I still want them to understand violating. Thank you for addressing this taboo subject!
I disagree! Purity in Christ is the only way any of us have hope. We are born sinners so purity must be taught using Jesus as the supreme example. Purity isn’t a result of human endeavor but the mark of holiness. Movements are men working to bring God down but we are to lift Him up. He cannot fail but we do when we lift ourselves. Humility for us is knowing we are not enough but humility for Jesus was knowing He was and is. He didn’t fight for sinners but He stood for them. Now we teach our families to stand in Him. His victory is enough for us to live? He gave us abundant life (eternal life) beyond flesh and death. To fail is to think life is in or about us. I appreciate your perspective and totally relate but with life in Christ failure is not an option.
well, exactly. Too many Christians worship Moralism instead of Jesus Christ. I’m not teaching that chastity is impossible. I won’t teach my kids with a spiritual “movement.” Too many strive to do, do, do in their own strength instead of realizing it’s already done. They don’t allow the Holy Spirit to guide and teach. They try to add to scripture with their rules and regulations.
“You must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:18-24
Of course Christ is victorious, but we still every every single day in our sin. I won’t teach my kids that a purity ring will protect them or that failure will condemn them.
You say, “Only Jesus is without sin. To teach that we are ever pure is just wrong…Since purity is an unreachable goal, it doesn’t make sense to teach anyone can obtain it.”
Really?
Straight from the mouth of Jesus:
“You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.”
Matthew 5:48
All the Law and the Prophets find perfect fulfillment in God the Father’s perfection and all of Jesus’ disciples are called to pursue this perfection.
If purity is an unreachable goal then why does Christ himself call us to be perfect and Paul say in 2 Corinthians 11:2:
“For I feel a divine jealousy for you, since I betrothed you to one husband, to present you as a PURE virgin to Christ.”
“so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be PURE and blameless for the day of Christ” Philippians 1:10
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is PURE whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8
“So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a PURE heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22
Christians don’t worship purity, most of them try by worldly means to be pure rather than relying on the Holy Spirit. And I would say really most Christians are fine with not being pure, unfortunately. But Paul and Christ call us to purity, perfection. It is foolish to say that just because something is unattainable by human standards that we might as not even try. Why over that 10 commandments at all then? No one can perfectly follow them so why follow them at all?
Praying and keeping an open conversation, great ideas. But it doesn’t have to be without calling you child to purity and holiness. God calls us to it pure and simple all throughout the Bible and He gave us Who we need to obtain it, the Holy Spirit.
John 16:7-15 “Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you. But if I go, I will send him to you. And when he comes, he will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment: concerning sin, because they do not believe in me;
concerning righteousness, because I go to the Father, and you will see me no longer; concerning judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged. “I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you. All that the Father has is mine; therefore I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you.”
Amanda,
I understand your concern about purity. We as a sinful people cannot attain purity by our own strength. I am not saying to just give up and live however one wishes. I am concerned about all the people who strive for Moralism rather than the Holy Spirit. We are called to worship Jesus, not works. Of course, not all Christians do this. Not everyone worships the idol of purity, but too many do. The Christian market makes lots of money on rings, books, audio, video, etc. and people seeking to conform to the world’s idea of Christianity buy it all and swallow the lie.
If you do an online search for attaining and maintaining purity, the articles focus on sexual abstinence and lists of prayers and verses to help abolish lustful feelings and risky situations. I think there’s so much more to it than this outward appearance. Man can never know another’s heart.
I want to summarize my thoughts on the scripture you mentioned here. And I especially love what Bible commentary and word study has to say about the verses you cited.
Our Saviour concludes Matthew 5 with this exhortation: (Matt. 5:48), Be ye therefore perfect, as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Which may be understood: 1. In general, including all those things wherein we must be followers of God as dear children. Note, It is the duty of Christians to desire, and aim at, and press toward a perfection in grace and holiness, Phil. 3:12-14. And therein we must study to conform ourselves to the example of our heavenly Father, 1 Pet. 1:15, 16. Or, 2. In this particular before mentioned, of doing good to our enemies; see Luke 6:36. It is God’s perfection to forgive injuries and to entertain strangers, and to do good to the evil and unthankful, and it will be ours to be like him. We that owe so much, that owe our all, to the divine bounty, ought to copy it out as well as we can.
In 2 Corinthians 11, Paul exhorts the church at Corinth about the problem of false apostles who had come to Corinth and were opposing Paul’s authority. He uses the conceit of the church as a bride.
I especially love Paul’s teaching in Philippians 4. We should focus on all those things. The world is constantly trying to seep in and children and teens are more susceptible and easily influenced.
Paul’s letter to Timothy in 2 Tim 2 is a great example of how even the most spiritual still need to guard against the teachings and activities of the world. So grateful for grace!
When Philippians 1:10 is taken alone, out of context, it is confusing.
It is Paul’s prayer in verses 9-11: “And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.”
pure – katharos: http://biblehub.com/greek/2513.htm
perfect – teleios: http://biblehub.com/greek/5046.htm
heart – kardia: http://biblehub.com/greek/2588.htm
John 16 teaches that the Holy Spirit helps and guides. We can do nothing in our own strength. Thank You, Jesus for overcoming the world!
And also these verses teach that only God can do the cleansing works in us:
The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
and renew a right[a] spirit within me. Psalm 51:10
Thank you so much for encouraging me to research scripture on this matter. I certainly don’t disagree with the idea of purity, but with the idol of a spiritual “movement.”
Thank you for clarifying. I agree with you about the sexual movement. But from the article I was not able to completely understand that was what you were arguing against because of the title of your article. You are criticizing a word that really is not horrible instead of explaining the idea behind why you are so opposed to it. If people are not careful in the way they say things, readers will take liberties and can be led astray. Like someone could take this article as an excuse to keep having sex because the message of the article sounded like “there’s no point in pursuing purity since it’s unattainable” and “everyone can be forgiven” without speaking of repentance and not presuming on His grace. We as Christians must be very careful when we are writing public articles defending Christian values by not making startling statements like “I’m not teaching purity” just to get attention and not fully explain ourselves. I get where you are coming from now that you explained it but from the article I was not able to understand fully that this was mostly about christian culture’s purity movement its perspective on purity that doesn’t also include openness about sex and not just rules and legalism. This could have all been cleared up by saying “I will teach my child that purity is found through Christ and be open about this in regards to sexual relationships so that they understand the heart of purity and not just being made to conform outwardly without knowing why.” I agree that we as well as our children should not just seek outward conformity for the sake of looking a certain way, because Jesus never asked for that either. In fact he condemned it, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” Matthew 23:27-28
Thank you for continuing the conversation and offering me much to think about. I will update to clarify the post so I don’t lead anyone astray. I think too many use the word “purity” wrongly and I have issues with the whole “spiritual movement” thing. It negates following Christ.
This is such a helpful article. I also grew up steeped in the language of the purity movement, and while well-intentioned, I think it has the weaknesses you point out here. When we teach children a set of rules on purity rather than getting at the deeper heart issues involved, I fear that they’re not going to internalize God’s teachings on relationships and marriage.
wow, you summed it all up right there! Thanks!
I totally understand what you are saying here. I get it. I, too, have had concerns about this movement among others. I don’t want to be jumping on a bandwagon because I think that doing that prevents me from hearing God’s voice. Let’s say I boarded the ‘daughters stay at home until they are married’ wagon. What if God has other plans for one or both of my daughters that meant they left home unmarried? Maybe went overseas for long term missions? Maybe went to post-secondary school for education in a field where they could spread the gospel? What if God wants them to do something else other than what ‘I want’?
The bottom line is this: I want all of my children to learn to hear God’s voice, to follow HIS plan for their lives, to obey HIM.
I still don’t know where I stand on the whole courtship movement, either. I see you have some posts about that, so I intend to check them out at some point. But, I think I’d prefer to have open discussions with my children about relationships. I would rather them focus on their relationship with God and living for Him rather than sit around waiting for a husband. I guess my concern with that movement is marriage and finding a husband is one’s goal in life. A husband becomes an idol, marriage is worshiped.
Your post gives a lot to think about, a lot to reflect upon. Thank you.
yes, we have learned to value relationships with our children and as they grow up into young adults, having meaningful conversations and reading scripture and praying together is really more important than a set of rules prescribed by any spiritual movement. We’re not fond of the courtship movement either. Our eldest is 14 and too young to date in my opinion, but she and her friends go to movies, ice skating, etc. and I know there are attractions. We keep discussion open and allow her a voice. Lately, she’s disgruntled that she’s feeling left out, unable to date or be on Facebook. Her friends are worldly and it will get harder to stand firm.
Fascinating conversation. I am Catholic and don’t understand some of my friends’ and their discussions/expectations with regard to purity for their children. Reading this really gave me some insight (and had me nodding a lot).
I don’t agree with everything, coming from a different religious background, but you articulated a lot of my unasked questions to my friends and gave some great answers.
Thanks! I’m curious: how do Catholics address the purity issue?
thanks jennifer for a great post! i have struggled with this issue for a long time.i have dealt with it in a variety of ways, none of them great.
i too, don’t like the language of the purity folks. But i do like the
It’s very difficult concept and I think it’s taught wrongly in many Christian circles.
Practical and honest. Surely it’s not easy to be surrounded by hormone-driven peers but as long as you have the Word of God in your heart, you’ll make it through. More parents should read this.
Thanks! It’s hard to navigate the teen and young adult years!
Interesting topic you are talking here, and not every one talks about it! Thanks for sharing your point of view and helpful information.
Blessings,
Tayrina
You can always count on me to go where no one else dares to venture, lol!
Jennifer, you are spot on with this purity thing. I was raised in a very strict fundamental atmosphere where all I heard was Don’t, Don’t, Don’t with no Biblical reference to back up what was being taught. Sex was a dirty thing, it was not taught as a beautiful thing God created for only a married couple to enjoy. I don’t want my teen to think how I was taught. While I want him to keep his “purity” I don’t want him to be fearful of touching the hand or the arm of a girl. I want him to enjoy his “dating years” once he is ready for them. Thank you for linking up with Thankful Thursdays.
I think there is balance and moderation to everything. We shouldn’t teach fear! It’s so important to having a loving relationship with our children as they grow into adults.
oh yes! I never want to set my girls up to fail. They are 6 and 9 so I think about these things. I want them to have a strong relationship with Jesus and think of others. The oldest told me she had a boyfriend. Inside I was freaking out, but I asked her questions and stayed calm. I want them to know they can always come to me.
There is so much more than “purity” and I am glad to not be the only one who thinks that :)
Yes, I freak out internally quite often. I just pray that the conversation is always open and I have the right words and tone for the hard discussions.
Hi Jennifer,
I’m so glad I found you over at #Titus2Tuesday! This post was awesome. I, too, am not one to jump on bandwagons. There is good to be found on those wagons, however, we forget to take the good and specify it to the uniqueness of our own children or situation. I learned when my kiddos were babies, to take in counsel, be educated, but essentially parent my children from and to the heart of God. Another issue with clinging to a movement, is that our teens can rebel against them. Too much of one thing in the wrong way can make them run like crazy! Thank you for giving me more to think on and pray on as I walk with my children through this stage!!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Yes, I am praying to counter any potential rebellion in my kids. It shouldn’t be the norm!
Hi there! I love this post! I read it last week when you linked i up at a Christian link party! This teaching of purity was my entire teenage life and knowledge about sex. And it’s been o harmful to my marriage now! I’m so glad I read this post! I would like to share it in my weekly series “Roll Out The Red Carpet” for blog posts I found during the week. I hope it’s okay! I think this would benefit my readers so much!
I would love it if you share. Thanks!
I totally agree with everything written in this post. I was raised in a very strict conservative church and household. I am a living example, and not a pleasant one, of what happens when you take a strong willed child and tell them “No,” “Don’t” “sex is bad, horrible, not to b enjoyed,etc, with nothing to back it except because God says so. I regret so many things I did as a teen. It took many years to believe that you can be wiped clean. When raising my 2 grown children, I decided to be open, teaching ramifications for actions–emotional, physical and mental. This included that Jesus is always right, his teachings are for our benefit, BUT if we totally mess up He is also right there beside you, right in the middle of your mess. He will also love you as much as he did Before you screwed up just like I’m gonna love you just as much as I always have. I may be disappointed and not like you very much but there is nothing that will make me not love you. We had code words if they needed a way out of a situation. My husband and I were the second youngest set of parents in both our daughter and son’s group of friends. I remember many car rides with my daughter and her friends where many, many questions were asked and answered. If they were really out there I would tell them to ask their parents but the fact that they felt safe enough to ask was what I was after. We also decided to trust our kids unless they gave us reason not to. If they broke that trust the consequences would be severe. Example: if they decided to drink/drink and drive they would lose their licenses, cell phones and vehicle access and my husband would NOT have backed down. If they decided to have sex and got pregnant or got someone else pregnant then their life as they know it would be over, sports, movies, nights out with friends etc. I would help but not raise their child. These are obvious examples but the point being every action has a reaction. Life can be simple or life can be hard, your choice.
I also remember many questions at home that I answered truthfully and frankly whether they liked it or not. I more than once had my more reserved husband, whose family was and is even more conservative than mine, speechless due to my answer. I was never crude or vulgar but I Was honest, straight forward, and sometimes blunt. There is a lot of junk out there, period. I still will hear a slang term at 49 and call my husband to ask what it means. That normally evokes laughter but if we, including our children at appropriate ages, don’t know what something means, words, signs, symbols, etc, how in the world can we safely navigate this world and not get caught in something we never intended to get involved in. God wants us to love him with all our hearts, souls and minds, period. We are to believe` in Jesus Christ and the total and extreme sacrifice He made for us but I personally believe He NEVER would set us up for failure by saying we are to be perfect, pure. Try, with all we have, Yes, but God knows we are human and we need to remember that. Honestly, some of the cruelest people I know seem to think they are perfect and pure. I just think they give Jesus a bad name.
Yes, I think we need to be a safe place for our kids to ask the hard questions.
I LOVE THIS! Thank you for sharing. I have struggled with this as well. The circles I grew up in taught “purity” and SO MANY of those girls I grew up with just threw everything out the window in college and it was so discouraging to me – who did stay pure. But as I look at what you said you WILL teach your girls – the Bible, close relationship with Jesus, and open conversation – that is the difference.
Thanks for sharing, I loved reading this. :)
Sarah (coming from the link-up at Mama Moments) :)
I think many get discouraged in the “movement” that the purity culture teaches. It’s not a bad idea in itself, but the message is often poorly conveyed.
I am trying to figure out how to print this article??? thank you!
I’ve enabled the right click copy/paste for you for a while. Let me know if there’s a problem! Thanks!
jennifer, i bumped into this today. great, great post. as a mom with grown daughters, i totally agree! we didn’t raise our daughters during the days of the purity movement per se. it was a little before the height of it. i liked the idea of some aspects of it, but not the intensity of it…particularly for those who are abused, raped or who fall into sexual sin. it’s almost as if it is the unpardonable sin…which is so not true!
we did teach no sex b/f marriage, but many of the other issues you mentioned are right one! i shared it today.
Thanks for the encouragement! I love hearing from parents of grown children. Those of us still in the thick of things need to hear that it can be successful!
Jennifer,
I was going to comment on your “The Best and Worst of Lackland.” I was in Basic Training there October-November ’68 followed by Security Police Training in November-December at OSL(Other Side of Lackland) :) Watching youtube videos brings back many memories. Then I saw your purity post and wondered “Really? Down on purity, huh?” I continued reading and your intent became clear. Yes, I think the purity movement, or whatever, has gotten some bad press. My parents gave me the impression “Well, it’s going to happen anyway. Just try and not get her pregnant.” I was not taught to exercise self-control, which is one of the fruits of the Spirit that Paul discusses. I specifically recall thinking about a certain classmate, “Well I would certainly not get her pregnant.” And I was not raised in a home where Jesus was honored and His words were taken seriously, other than a humanist social-gospel. We were never introduced to the plan of salvation, our need for it, or Jesus’ relevance to current day matters.
I guess what I am saying is that the life of faith is VERY SERIOUS STUFF, as C.S.Lewis might have said, and morality(adultery/fornication is only one aspect of it, there are at least 6 other categories) not to be taken lightly.