So, I’m pretty disgusted with all the books, articles, Bible studies, and blog posts out there encouraging wives to be more available and willing for their husbands.
I’ve kinda had it with that.
What about when he’s not interested?
And I don’t mean unable. We’ve all seen those silly bathtub commercials. Sometimes, there are lengths of time when he just doesn’t desire intimacy.
What then?
Don’t pout or criticize or complain.
Of course, try to have a mature conversation about this. It’s a difficult topic and likely embarrassing. Is he avoiding you because you’re a nag or have an ill temper? Then, you need to examine yourself and how you speak to and about your husband. Often, he won’t know why and he’ll be defensive and ashamed. Don’t feed those feelings. Comfort him and offer support and look for solutions together.
Pray.
Go to God first. Don’t go to your mama, his mama, sisters, friends, or any other male to complain or talk about it. That’s just opening up all sorts of trouble. Pray to God and ask Him to help. Pray with your husband if he’s willing. Continue to pray throughout your marriage for everything. It’s a great habit and you’ll only experience blessing.
Get tested.
Low testosterone levels in men are more normal than you think. There are natural treatments to help. Idaho Blue Spruce essential oil is great to help balance and for energy. A medical physical is always a good place to start to make sure he’s healthy and fit. If he’s currently on medication, check the side effects to see if it lowers libido. Then see if he can change to something different without that side effect.
Reduce stress.
Sometimes emotional upheaval is just too much and men shut down. They’re often not real metacognitive and can’t express how stress affects them. They don’t understand why their bodies react the way they do. Natural diet, regular exercise, sunlight and fresh air are simple ways to help relieve stress when life gets crazy. Be a good listener and don’t interrupt or offer advice.
Stay close.
Perhaps a weekend or overnight mini-vacation is in order. There’s nothing like a change of scenery and no responsibilities – even for a few hours – to help romantic feelings. And if it doesn’t quite work out, cuddle and just be a couple for a little while. Kids, extended family, home, school, jobs take their toll and it’s nice just to be away sometimes.
Get counseling.
Sometimes, there’s just something more going on and you need a professional to help sort it out. I have a friend whose husband had this Madonna complex once she became a mother. He couldn’t look at her like a wife or woman anymore. It was sad for them.
It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (MSG)
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