When He Has a Headache

So, I’m pretty disgusted with all the books, articles, Bible studies, and blog posts out there encouraging wives to be more available and willing for their husbands.

I’m tired of the church, therapists, bloggers, celebrities, writers, and anyone who perpetuates the myth and societal conditioning that men want sex all the time, anywhere, anyhow, with anyone.

I’ve kinda had it with that.

What if it’s not about a porn addiction? What if the wife has a higher sex drive and isn’t fulfilled? What if everything in the marriage is really pretty great but he’s just not interested in being intimate?

What about when he’s really not interested?

And I don’t mean unable.

We’ve all seen those silly bathtub commercials.

Sometimes, there are lengths of time when he just doesn’t desire intimacy.

What then?

Of course, it’s usually more than a headache. I don’t even try anymore, just to be disappointed.

I have important and fulfilling things to do with my time like read, do dishes, laundry, vacuuming, educating my kids, hiking, bird watching, Netflix, etc.

Communicate.

Of course, try to have a mature conversation about this. It’s a difficult topic and likely embarrassing due to our society and culture programming.

Our society conditions men to be virile and they’re ashamed if their sex drive is low and they don’t feel they can measure up to impossible standards.

Is he avoiding you because you’re a nag or have an ill temper? Then, you need to examine yourself and how you speak to and about your husband. And why.

Stay away from the blame game.

Often, he won’t know why himself and he might defensive and ashamed. Don’t feed those feelings. Try to comfort him and offer support and look for solutions together.

Pray.

Don’t go to your mama, his mama, sisters, friends, or any other male to complain or talk about your sex life.

That’s just opening up all sorts of trouble.

Pray and ask for help.

Pray with your husband if he’s willing. Continue to pray throughout your marriage for everything.

It’s a great habit to pray together and you’ll only experience blessings and peace.

Get tested.

Low testosterone levels in men are more normal than you think.

There are natural treatments to help. Idaho Blue Spruce essential oil is great to help balance and for energy.

A medical physical is always a good place to start to make sure he’s healthy and fit with no underlying medical conditions.

If he’s currently on medication, check the side effects to see if it lowers libido. Then see if he can change to something different without that side effect.

Reduce stress.

Sometimes emotional upheaval is just too much and men shut down.

They’re often not real metacognitive and experience alexithymia and can’t express how stress affects them.

They don’t understand why their bodies react the way they do.

Different schedules often pose problems. If you’re high-fiving each other at the door as one comes home and the other leaves for work, it doesn’t leave much time or energy for much else.

Screens can be distracting, especially in the bedroom. We only have one TV in our house and it’s in the basement. We have one desktop computer in my office. Everyone has an iPad. The adults and teens have smartphones. I like to read at bedtime. My husband watches shows or scrolls social media. This limits our healthy interaction.

Natural whole foods anti-inflammatory diet, regular exercise, sunlight and fresh air are simple ways to help relieve stress when life gets crazy.

Be a good listener and don’t interrupt or offer unsolicited advice.

Stay close.

Perhaps a weekend or overnight mini-vacation is in order. There’s nothing like a change of scenery and no responsibilities – even for a few hours – to help romantic, intimate, sexy feelings.

And if it doesn’t quite work out with heightened stress and expectations, cuddle and just be a couple for a little while.

Also, reduce expectations about what sex is and can be. You don’t have to strip down, have silence and darkness, full vaginal penetration, dual climax, or anything that the books, movies, society claims is good sex. Take it slow and get to know one another again.

Kids, extended family, home, school, jobs take their toll and it’s sometimes nice just to be away to regroup.

Get counseling.

Sometimes, there’s just something more going on and you need a professional to help sort it out.

I have a friend whose husband had this Madonna complex once she became a mother. He couldn’t look at her like a wife or woman anymore. It was sad for them.

There could be underlying psychological issues from his past rearing their heads for various reasons.

Often, military men experience PTSD from their jobs and deployments. This affects them in ways that are difficult to understand.

There is certainly still stigma surrounding counseling and meds, especially in the military. No, he won’t lose his security clearance. It’s not weakness to get help in order to live a full and satisfying life.

People experiencing depression and anxiety often do not desire sex or intimacy – or anything else they used to enjoy.

Perhaps it really comes down to:

• Does he see the problem?
• Can he communicate about the issues?
• Is he willing to get help?
• Does he love me enough to find out causes and seek solutions?
• Will he put in the time and effort it takes to improve our marriage?

If the answer is no to any of these, then there are other issues that need to be addressed as well.

It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (MSG)

Resources:

• The Marriage You Want: Moving beyond Stereotypes for a Relationship Built on Scripture, New Data, and Emotional Health by Sheila Wray Gregoire and Dr. Keith Gregoire
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman 
• The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman
• Boundaries in Marriage: Understanding the Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 
• Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship by Stephen Snyder M.D. 
• Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. 
• Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel 
• The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide by Michele Weiner Davis