Jennifer Lambert

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You are here: Home / Family / Teaching My Daughters to Take Up Space

Teaching My Daughters to Take Up Space

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September 2, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 17 Comments

I notice when men walk toward me without even slowing their pace because they expect me to clear the way. I see men raise their eyebrows in surprise when I don’t move aside for them. I resist the urge to be “polite.”

I remember when I began Kindergarten, the boys hogged the Legos and girls were directed to play House and Dolls or another quiet feminine role activity.

I wanted to play Legos.

I felt lost for through most of elementary school because I didn’t fit into the traditional gender role. I was a tomboy. I liked to be outside. I liked bugs and critters, exploring the swamp, climbing trees.

Middle school and high school were a nightmare because I didn’t know how to navigate the new relationships my peers formed.

I quickly learned to be ashamed of my intelligence and over achiever attitude and stay silent in the classroom.

I was bullied. I got death threats – from girls!

I saw how boys controlled the narrative with each other, girls, teachers, authorities.

Growing up as a Southern girl, I was taught to be small and silent, deferential to elders and especially men. Compliance and subservience was goodness.

While I teach my daughters to take up space, I have to teach my son how to make room.

I try to use gender-free language.

I don’t accuse my girls of being unladylike. I remember how that made me feel, growing up in a Southern household with those ridiculous and impossible ideals.

I tell all my kids to be polite, kind, and respectful.

I don’t tell my son “to man up” or not to cry. I tell my kids to have courage and be strong, even if it’s scary. And that it’s ok to cry and have strong emotions.

In How to play Patriarchy Chicken, Dr. Charlotte Riley writes, “The point is that men have been socialised, for their entire lives, to take up space. Men who would never express these thoughts out loud have nevertheless been brought up to believe that their right to occupy space takes [precedence] over anyone else’s right to be there. Women have not been socialised to take up space. Women have been socialised to give way, to alleviate, to conciliate, and to step to the side.”

It’s frustrating for my girls to be silenced, interrupted, overlooked. Naturally, they want to shrivel and become invisible. It’s embarrassing and we always feel like we’re in the wrong. What did we do to deserve this treatment?

As my girls grow to be teens, the world becomes scarier as we read and hear about assault in the news and on social media. My girls have experienced harassment and inappropriate language from men.

I actively teach my daughters their voice is valid.

I listen. I follow. I learn. I do better – as a parent and as a woman.

How I Teach My Daughters to Take Up Space

  1. Don’t be careful. Be safe!
  2. Don’t be quiet. Speak up!
  3. Always be willing to listen and learn.
  4. Healthy pride in personal achievements. Don’t downplay skills!
  5. Cooperation is often better than conflict, but don’t back down. Be tactful and fight for your rights.
  6. Our society has an impossible ideal of beauty. Be yourself in all your imperfect glory.
  7. Protect your sisters. Reach over and pull them up. Never push them down with words, actions, or thoughts.
  8. Lots and lots of books and films with great female and minority characters.
  9. No restrictions on clothing choices, except for safety and weather conditions. Appearances aren’t what’s most important. I allow for self-expression even if it makes me uncomfortable.
  10. Unconditional love. No matter what.

As a mother of three girls, we hold that space. Perhaps others should step aside to make room for us.

In many cultures, girls are worthless and it’s devastating financially for a family to have more than one daughter. All children should be celebrated and honored.

As a parent, it’s my job to teach my kids how to function in healthy ways as citizens.

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Comments

  1. Rebecca Hastings says

    September 2, 2019 at 1:47 pm

    This is such a tricky thing to navigate for our daughters, isn’t it? I completely understand the message here, but walking it out can be hard. The best things usually are.

    Reply
  2. Jasmine | Midsummer Life Dream says

    September 3, 2019 at 12:23 am

    This matters. My mother did the same thing for me, for the most part. I was an only child, but she made sure no matter what anyone else told me, I knew I wasn’t “less” than some guy. It pays off in the end!

    Reply
  3. Catherine Lanser says

    September 3, 2019 at 8:57 am

    This is so important!

    Reply
  4. Michelle says

    September 3, 2019 at 3:10 pm

    It is through your efforts and other parents like you that things will change. I applaud you.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      September 4, 2019 at 9:27 am

      wow, thank you so much!

      Reply
  5. Lauren Renee Sparks says

    September 3, 2019 at 4:47 pm

    This is an interesting perspective. Visiting you today from the purposeful faith link up. laurensparks.net

    Reply
  6. Patsy Burnette says

    September 3, 2019 at 8:40 pm

    More great child-rearing points, Jennifer!

    Pinned.

    Thanks for linking up at InstaEncouragements!

    Reply
  7. Alex Newton says

    September 4, 2019 at 4:18 pm

    Such an important topic. I have two girls and couldn’t agree more.
    I think the world is starting to change but it’s still early days and we have a lot of work to do.
    #TwinklyTuesday

    Reply
  8. Angela Johnson says

    September 5, 2019 at 9:53 am

    This is such a tricky subject. You gave some great points and things to think about. Thanks so much for sharing.

    Reply
  9. Mother of 3 says

    September 5, 2019 at 5:04 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing (both sides!) of this with us at Encouraging Hearts and Home. Pinned.

    Reply
  10. Schmidt says

    September 6, 2019 at 12:31 pm

    I see the intention behind this storyline. But you shouldn’t have to concoct such horse malarkey to make a point. Kindergarten? Okay, yeah. Speaks more to what’s inside naturally though. No teachers enforced stereotypes. Kids, closer to their birth, did. Interesting, that.
    Later? Girls were the approved smart ones in school. It was the boys bell curving/peer pressuring their own dumbing down. Don’t further hurt boy’s chances academically. Please!
    Furthermore, as we mature, there is nothing more attractive to a male than a female who is all in for participating in activities and adventure. More, please! Touch football? Co-Ed softball? Golf? Rock climbing? Tennis? Boating? Long hiking trips? Camping? Huh what? You’re IN!? Will you marry me??
    Now, as to the obnoxious idea of barging straight through people anytime, anywhere. Lady, I’d lay my coat across a mud puddle for you. Open every door. Walk on the outside of sidewalks to save you from trash flung overhead. Bow with a curtsy as you pass by, tipping my hat.
    Spare me your self righteous onslaught! Just respond honestly.
    Which IS it? Would you care for the Chivalry or not!?? What the hell is it women actually want!!??

    Reply
  11. April J Harris says

    September 9, 2019 at 12:13 pm

    I’ve pinned this post, Jennifer, as well as the accompanying post about teaching your son to make space. Your positive ideas are really inspiring, and it’s so good to have some pointers to help raise our children for this new era of cooperation between men and women, where both sexes have the opportunity to be kind to one another, cooperate, and allow each other to shine! Thank you for being a part of the Hearth and Soul Link party.

    Reply
  12. Confessions of a New Mummy says

    September 9, 2019 at 3:54 pm

    SO important! Thanks for sharing and linking up #twinklytuesday

    Reply
  13. Jen says

    September 12, 2019 at 2:17 pm

    I have 3 little girls, and this topic is something I think about every day. They are still very young (under 7 years old) and they are currently confident, bold, and solidly “take up space”. But I know that the time will come when they will second-guess themselves. I’m determined to ensure they stay the course! Thanks for the suggestions! (viewed from Pin Junkie Party)

    Reply
  14. Stacey says

    September 14, 2019 at 10:19 am

    This. This is a lesson that is so difficult for us to learn when it’s not taught from birth. I taught these principles in youth workshops for years. But, I still re-learn these myself from time to time because I didn’t grow up with it. Thankful that more girls these days don’t have to.

    Reply

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