Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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World Menopause Day

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In honor of World Menopause Day, October 18, Dr. Janette Gray, internal medicine physician, hormone expert, author of The Truth about Sex Hormones, and medical director and founder of Perfect Balance Health, is sharing 10 key signs every woman should know about menopause.

“Although menopause is natural, for many, it can lead to a hormone imbalance and deficiency, which is an often overlooked yet widespread and silent epidemic,” warned Dr. Gray. “Millions of people are either undertreated or not treated at all for hormone imbalance, suffering needlessly from fatigue, weight gain, poor sleep, loss of sexual function and an overall poor sense of vitality. What makes this lack of treatment even more dangerous is that untreated hormone deficiency can cause heart attacks and even dementia.”

The Truth about Sex Hormones: Learn How to Unlock the Secrets to Balancing Your Hormones for Vitality and Longevity



10 Key Signs Every Woman Should Know About Menopause

1. Irregular Periods for 90 Days: If your menstrual cycle becomes unpredictable for three consecutive months, with periods arriving early, late or skipping entirely, this is often the first sign of perimenopause beginning.

2. Night Sweats and Hot Flashes: While hot flashes get attention, night sweats that soak through pajamas and sheets are actually reported by 85% of menopausal women and can start years before periods stop.

3. “Menopause Brain”: Difficulty finding words, forgetting names or experiencing brain fog isn’t your imagination. Declining estrogen directly affects cognitive function and memory processing.

4. Sleep Disruption Pattern Recognition: Waking up between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. regularly, even without night sweats, indicates hormonal shifts affecting your natural sleep-wake cycle.

5. Joint Pain: Unexplained aches in hands, knees or shoulders that worsen in the morning could be estrogen-related inflammation, not just aging.

6. Mood Changes That Aren’t “Just Stress”: Sudden irritability, anxiety or feeling emotionally overwhelmed without obvious triggers often begin two to three years before periods end.

7. The Bladder Wake-Up Call: Increased urgency, frequency or minor leakage when laughing or sneezing signals pelvic floor changes from hormonal decline.

8. Skin and Hair Texture Changes: Thinning hair, dry skin despite moisturizing or adult acne appearing after years of clear skin reflect shifting hormone levels.

9. Weight Shifting to Middle: Gaining weight specifically around the waist, even with unchanged diet and exercise, indicates metabolic changes from decreased estrogen. While most people associate testosterone with men, women need it too, and hormone replacement therapy with estrogen and testosterone goes a long way toward eliminating midsection weight gain.

10. Start Watching at 45: While the average menopause age is 51, symptoms can begin as early as mid-40s, and women with a family history may experience changes even earlier.

“As soon as you notice perimenopause symptoms, it’s a good time to discuss these health changes with your doctor and get your hormone levels tested,” advised Dr. Gray. “Women who choose hormone replacement therapy or bioidentical hormone replacement therapy get the most health benefits, including relief from hot flashes, better sleep, improved mood and libido, better cardiovascular health, protection from Alzheimer’s, and stronger bones when they start early.”

About Janette Gray

Dr. Janette Gray is an internal medicine physician and recognized pioneer in integrative medicine and bioidentical hormone replacement therapy with over three decades of clinical experience. As founder and medical director of Perfect Balance Health in San Diego, she has dedicated her in-clinic and telehealth practice to helping adults of all genders achieve optimal wellness through personalized Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) and comprehensive weight management programs. Dr. Gray’s evidence-based approach combines traditional medical expertise with cutting-edge hormone therapies to address fatigue, metabolic dysfunction, decreased libido and age-related wellness concerns. A passionate advocate for healthy aging, Dr. Gray exemplifies her treatment philosophy through her own active lifestyle as a competitive pickleball player, participating in tournaments across the United States. For more information, visit https://perfectbalance.health.

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Protection

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I do not need protection.

You were never there when I needed help.

My cries went unanswered.

I dried my own tears.

I’ve learned to rely only on myself.

What do you think you can protect me from?

Your words?

Your actions?

Your own failure?

I protect myself

from my fear

glancing for my exits

I stare into the darkness

with my keys splayed between my fingers

scanning the shadows

listening for foot shuffles

locking my doors

encrypting my financial information

updating my privacy on apps

changing my passwords

and still the memory

of your idea of protection

of the abuse

of the assault

haunts me in my nightmares.

My faith is shattered.

I don’t need your fucking protection.

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Hair Care after 40

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I recently noticed I have a bald spot on the crown of my head.

It’s embarrassing and baffling and upsetting.

I have noticed I have much less hair these last few years. I used to wrap a hair band around twice and it was tight, but now it can wrap around about five or six times.

It’s funny that all the fairy tales of the wicked stepmothers, queens, and aging women…are in a personal battle against the wrinkles and gray hair…while being devastated by the presence of the young and effortlessly beautiful princesses with their bright skin and gorgeous hair.

It’s like watching ourselves waste away and become useless and undesirable while the girls become their most powerful.

It certainly reduces our confidence.

Sure, I could cut my hair short or style it differently. I don’t really want to accept it. I won’t go without a fight.

I know many say to go all natural and avoid heat and chemicals. Most of us know how to keep our healthy by not overheating, overstyling, not using damaging tight hair bands all the time.

I only go to a salon about every quarter for a cut and partial highlights. It’s so frustrating finding a new stylist every time we move with the military. I adored my stylist in Utah – Brianna! I didn’t color my hair in Germany. It took me so long when we moved to Ohio to get an update.

It took me a long time to find a stylist in Ohio. Here is my first cut and color in Ohio in 2017, then Stephanie quit the business. The lighting is awful, but this was such a pretty cut and color.

I went shorter and assymetrical for a couple years, but I never liked that salon or the stylists after Stephanie left. It took me years to find someone I like and trust.

Then COVID hit and all the salons closed. My long straight hair did me no favors in 2021.

My hair grew so long until I found my stylist Jena.

I am so happy with my stylist Jena now. I love her pricing and I am in and out in about an hour.

Here’s my latest hair update for summer 2024:

I think the shorter length and lots of layers help disguise my thinning hair.

What can we do to minimize or reverse hair loss as we age?

Medical checkup

It’s always a good idea to rule out medical issues when we have any symptoms that are concerning.

Some prescription or even OTC medications could cause hair loss, like those prescribed for blood pressure.

There is a phenomenon called “COVID hair” that many suffer from with hair loss or thinning.

Stress often affects our health and appearance. Reducing stress and changing our lifestyle, getting enough sleep, etc., can really help us.

Request labs or bloodwork to check for iron deficiency or anemia, thyroid complications, hormones, vitamin D deficiency. All of these concerns can affect our hair and skin in addition to our overall health.

A dermatologist referral can often check scalp health to determine if hair health is a skin issue like alopecia. They can also prescribe products that are more powerful than over-the-counter items.

Some women may benefit from HRT, that could help a variety of symptoms.

What hair care products can help with hair loss or thinning?

Many of these remedies can help our overall health and we can age gracefully and beautifully and confidently.

Topical

Even if we have underlying health concerns, we can use topical solutions to help our hair look and be healthier.

Hair care products with rosemary, lavendar, tea tree oil can help our hair grow while looking and feeling thicker and healthier.

Essential oils like rosemary, cedarwood, lavender, ylang ylang, clary sage mixed in witch hazel or a nourishing oil like castor oil can help promote hair growth.

Castor oil is an ancient remedy to help our skin glow. Scalp massage is a nice way to relax or put a silk cap on and sleep while it soaks in real good.

DHT Blocker products can help. Dihydrotestosterone (DHT) is a leading cause of alopecia and hair loss associated with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome).

Minoxidil or Rogaine as the name brand has often been used for men, but women can use a diluted version or not as frequently to limit side effects. There are also ingestible tablets that can be prescribed. There are generic versions of liquid and foam applications at Walmart and other stores for cheaper cost.

Nioxin are hair care products for several hair and scalp concerns.

Some products recommended by ladies in my online groups:

(I won’t recommend some popular MLM products that keep getting recommended online.)

Supplements

Many of these are recommended by some ladies in my online groups. I take lots of supplements and vitamins every morning.

I’ve taken Nature’s Bounty Optimal Solutions Hair, Skin & Nails for years.

Prenatal vitamins often have a lot of what our bodies want and need and can be an easy and more cost effective fix.

Nutrafol – this is super expensive, but gets rave reviews from so many people. I assume it’s easier to take one supplement that has everything we need than a lot and it probably breaks even.

Multi B Complex – help stimulate the hair growth cycle and many health benefits.

Biotin – water-soluble B vitamin that helps in hair thinning, hair loss, and other hair problems like scalp dryness or rough hair.

Collagen – helps improve hair by providing amino acids and fighting damaged hair follicles.

Maca – growth booster & hair loss prevention active ingredient rich in peptides & sugars.

Zinc – a potent inhibitor of hair follicle regression and it accelerates hair follicle recovery.

Vitamin E – helps support a healthy scalp and hair as it has natural antioxidant effects.

Vitamin D – influences hair follicle cycling and so important for our overall health.

Saw Palmetto – wards off hair loss and increase hair density by decreasing levels of 5-alpha reductase, a specific enzyme related to hair loss.

Horsetail – helps reduce hair loss and boosts the strength of hair and hair follicles besides adding shine and luster to the hair. Aids in bone health.

Methylsulfonylmethane (MSM) can help some, but it upsets my tummy. It is a sulfur compound known for its anti-inflammatory effect. It may also support hair growth.

Foods

It’s always wise to eat our way to health and beauty. We won’t see instant results, but long-term, we should have health benefits.

Protein and Collagen – rich in amino acids that your body needs to build keratin, the protein that makes up hair.

Green tea – the primary plant chemical called epigallocatechin gallate (EGCG), is associated with health benefits like weight loss, heart health, and brain health.

Coconut Oil – applications in beauty, skin care, hair care, and overall health because it contains a high percentage of fat from medium-chain triglycerides (MCTs), primarily in the form of lauric acid.

Onions – high content of antioxidants like quercetin.

Turmeric – shown to reduce pain from arthritis, improve cholesterol levels, and enhance exercise recovery.

Pumpkin Seeds – rich in iron, zinc, magnesium, and antioxidants. can also work as a DHT blocker.

Edamame – soy with isoflavones can reduce DHT levels.

Often the undesirable symptoms we see in our hair, skin, and nails can be an underlying health issues we need to address. It is not wrong or vain to want to feel and look our best.

We need to talk about women’s health and aging without shame.

Resources:

  • The New Menopause: Navigating Your Path Through Hormonal Change with Purpose, Power, and Facts by Mary Claire Haver, MD
  • It’s Not Hysteria: Everything You Need to Know About Your Reproductive Health (but Were Never Told) by Dr. Karen Tang
  • The Menopause Brain: New Science Empowers Women to Navigate the Pivotal Transition with Knowledge and Confidence by Lisa Mosconi, PhD
  • The Menopause Manifesto: Own Your Health with Facts and Feminism by Dr. Jen Gunter
  • Hysterical: Why We Need to Talk About Women, Hormones, and Mental Health by Eleanor Morgan
  • I’m So Effing Tired: A Proven Plan to Beat Burnout, Boost Your Energy, and Reclaim Your Life by Amy Shah, MD
  • Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth to the World by Beth Berry

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Childcare Crisis

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My parents never engaged a babysitter for me.

I remember going to after school daycare for a few months after my mother returned to work when I was about ten to eleven years old. I begged to be a latchkey kid and they finally relented.

I remember babysitting for neighbors when I was probably about twelve years old. The couple left for a very long time and there were at least four kids under age nine. There was no food in that house. This was in 1988. There was no cable TV, no internet.

The eldest child told me I could get more money if I cleaned up. I swept their kitchen. There wasn’t much to clean. There wasn’t much to do. I felt responsible for keeping those kids safe and occupied. I remember spinning them on the floor in a papasan. The little one started crying because she was hungry. I traipsed all of them next door to my house and I asked my parents for a banana or something to feed that child. They soon moved away and I worry about them still.

I babysat for neighbors all throughout my teens, mostly good experiences that paid well for very little effort. Often, I would arrive as the babies or children were getting ready for bedtime. As I became more experienced, I would feed and ready kids for bed, then read or watch TV. I never felt comfortable eating the snacks or drinking the soda or whatever the parents left for me. Often the dads would drive me home, even though I was perfectly capable of walking.

I paid maybe $350/month for full-time daycare and preschool for my daughter when I was a teacher in Georgia in the early 2000s. Shoutout to Ms. Divina and Mrs. Kristie!

We had a lovely babysitter, Erin, when we lived in Hawaii and we paid her well and our kids loved her and she loved my kids. I trusted her. It was only a few times in the evenings so my husband and I could go out.

Since we homeschool, we never needed to worry about regular child care. I can’t imagine having to pay for regular childcare for my four kids. Thankfully, they’re all teens and young adults now.

When my eldest daughter became a teen, I was worried about having her babysit. She wanted to make her own money and there aren’t many ways for tweens and teens to do that, and certainly not in another country. We lived in Germany at the time, so the only families she babysat for were other American military families who lived on the nearby bases. We signed up for a babysitter training day with the Red Cross. They certify kids over age twelve in CPR and basic child care.

Unfortunately, I ended that little job when a mother required my fifteen-year-old daughter to babysit her special needs medically fragile epileptic toddler – with no instructions, no access to a phone or communications, no medical expertise, and no emergency information – for $5/hour. I imagined horror stories if something happened to that baby and my daughter couldn’t contact someone.

When we moved back to the States, to Ohio, I realized that few parents are willing to pay well for childcare – $5 was the norm per kid – and my teens were expected to cook, supervise those meals, clean up from meals and play, sometimes bathe, and get kids in bed and asleep – before the parents returned. My teens babysat a couple times before deciding it wasn’t worth the effort.

A local pastor did pay my teen about $10-20 an hour for one vegan toddler, but they had two rambunctious dogs, so she chose not to continue that business deal after a couple times – because of the untrained dogs.

During the pandemic quarantine, I noticed so many parents realizing that is not feasible to work from home, have their children learn online at home, and also care for homes. I do understand that if a model is working or at least familiar, and then that is removed, it is very stressful. So many families couldn’t get any child care when they returned to work. Other families couldn’t pay for child care if their jobs were terminated.

There is a childcare crisis in this country.

Children delight me with their brazenness and eye contact and how they say and do the most unexpected things. They cannot and should not be controlled. So many children are destroyed by school systems and societal systems and religious systems, by those same system values perpetuated at home. The system is broken and is working exactly as it was designed to work.

I see oodles of posts in the city and mommy Facebook groups begging for babysitters, nannies, and whatnot – all year long, but especially now that it’s spring and summer is looming. These parents are desperate for camps, nannies, day care, something – for their children over summer while they are at work.

Some of the posts are interesting and the requirements are a bit outrageous.

I’m sure these parents are super nice. I wonder if it’s even worth the money.

It’s normal and natural that people want the most value for the least money. But a true caregiver has to be insured and have some kind of access to social benefits. For most, it is just a glorified part time job for cash.

Babysitting seems like a normal, acceptable, easy job for a teen or college student, young mother, retired mom or grandma. I think it’s problematic that care giving is often one of few jobs available for women.

I don’t want to be responsible for someone else’s children in my house, yard, car, at a pool, amusement park, restaurant. I don’t really want my kids to be responsible for someone else’s children. We live in too much of a litigious society.

I have witnessed things, y’all. In these days of ring doorbells and nanny living room cameras, it’s just someone’s word against a kid’s. Who will the parent believe? And I see and hear what these kids say and do in the streets, y’all. Whew.

I’m sure many don’t think of the worrisome situations that I do. I wouldn’t want to be liable and I sure don’t want my kids to be liable in case something happened with these children on their watch.

Childcare in Crisis: Ohio

  • Ohio now has the lowest eligibility for Publicly Funded Child Care in the country for kids 0 to 5. North Carolina, who previously held last place, updated their eligibility to 200% FPL for children 0-5 in July of 2023, leaving Ohio in last place for the same age group at 145% FPL.
  • Between 2019 and 2021 (the most recent figure available), the number of children benefiting from publicly funded childcare in Ohio dropped by 28,697, from 172,585 children to 143,888. Publicly funded childcare enrollment peaked seven years ago in 2017 at 181,122 and has declined since.
  • From 2017 to 2022, the number of childcare workers in Ohio dropped by 35.89%, with the biggest decrease of nearly 5,000 workers happening between 2019 and 2020 Many areas around the state simply have not recovered from this loss of workforce and many remaining childcare facilities are at a high risk of closure as key federal COVID emergency funding ends.
  • The median hourly wage for childcare workers in Ohio is $13.15 — an annual salary of $27,352 for those working full time. For comparison, the median for all workers in Ohio was $21.51 an hour in 2022, with 13.4% of Ohioans living in poverty.
  • The amount the state reimburses childcare providers per child is not based on the actual cost of childcare, but rather on a backward-looking market rate survey of what providers recently charged for services in an area. This rate is important because it determines the amount of money providers receive and therefore their ability to stay open, improve facilities, and pay providers a living wage.
  • 39% of Ohioans live in a childcare desert. A childcare desert is any census tract with more than 50 children under age 5 that contains either no childcare providers or so few options that there are more than three times as many children as licensed childcare slots. 41% of white Ohioans, 37% of Hispanic or Latino Ohioans, and 29% of Black Ohioans live in a childcare desert. In Ohio, childcare deserts are most prevalent in rural areas.
  • Affordable childcare lets parents work. According to a poll done in 2023 by the First 5 Years Fund, nearly 59% of parents who are not working full time would do so if childcare was more affordable.

I don’t have answers to the childcare crisis in the USA. Other countries provide childcare and education and parent benefits and medical care. We don’t value families here. Get out and vote.

Some people have interesting requirements for pet sitters:

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Standing Alone

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I am lost in an individualist society.

I have no support system.

I have no family.

I have no friends.

I don’t even have acquaintances.

I attended public school and lived in the same house from birth until I was 16 years old, surrounded by peers and family – aunts and cousins. My classmates all lived within a certain small radius and many attended each other’s birthday parties. I played outside with a whole gang of multi-aged kids after school and on summer breaks.

Everyone I knew existed along the same plane, a similar demographic. There weren’t so many comparisons since there was no Internet, except maybe on Christmas and birthdays, when some kids got the big presents or name brand things…and others did not. But we didn’t really stress that much over it, and I remember more generosity and compassion then than there is now.

Perhaps it was just a bubble that burst when I grew older.

I grew and gradually felt more distance between myself and my peers. It’s like they had a linear trajectory and mine has been an absolute tangle.

And it’s like people slept through their young adult years, but never really woke up. They coast along, oblivious to anything that does not directly affect them. Why would they want to think about it? They’re not awake to anything except their daily grind. They’re so individual. They don’t notice others.

And so little does directly affect rich healthy white people.

There is no therapying away the troubles our USAian society has created and perpetuates. It’s systemic and I see little to no change in our future. We could have tackled racism and sexism and fought the patriarchy. We had the lovely opportunity to make vast revolutionary improvements during COVID and we failed, y’all.

I am constantly angry, upset, saddened by the news around the world – and by everyone being oblivious to it all. And all the information is always at our fingertips, so we are just bombarded with all the news, all the time. It was different and I know I was sheltered as a child. But I still felt all the feelings so big all the time, even then. It’s overwhelming.

I have four kids, ages 13-23. I am a horrible role model for them developing friendships. But I do know how healthy relationships should work.

When my kids were little, it was a bit easier. We could go to parks or homeschool events and kids would just congregate together and play and it was all very low-key. We didn’t have to plan much. There were no real playdates. I would listen to the moms’ conversations, but I never really had much to contribute. I would observe and learn. Almost always, I would say or do the wrong thing. I never felt accepted or included. Those moms didn’t really want to hear anything I had to say. They didn’t want to think or feel. Their conversations were always shallow – about entertainment or mothering issues or marriage troubles. It was always negative and never intellectual in any way.

It didn’t help that we moved frequently with the military. My kids feel hollow and struggle now that we are “settled” and have lived here for six years. They still don’t know how to make friends that feel permanent. I worry they will always feel transient.

I’ve been accused of being excessively angry and I have lost jobs over being too blunt. I don’t see the point of sugarcoating anything. Yet, I deliberate constantly over my word choice and tone. It seems that I never can say the right thing in the right way.

We do feel jealousy about people who have friends and family and have lived in their place essentially their whole lives.

I can only do so much within my own household. Everyone needs support.

Where do we get these relationships? Where is our village? Where are our friends?

from Facebook

How do I develop trust? How do I find time to nurture a friendship? It seems daunting.

And how do I learn to love others when I feel so unlovable?

My parents told me that no one would ever love me like they do.

While this seems like a wonderful, loving, caring sentiment, it is actually very toxic.

What my parents taught me while I was growing up, sometimes verbally out loud, other times subliminally by their actions, moods, reactions, and body language – is that I am worthless.

They made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right, that only my performance mattered, but it was never good enough. They complained about my appearance. They complained about my school grades. They complained I would isolate and read books. They complained if I wanted to go out. They complain if I asked for something for a holiday – even if they ask me what I want; that was not in their script.

My parents talked ill of all my extended family members. No one was a good person – my grandmothers, deceased grandfathers, my aunts, uncles, cousins. They all have fundamental problems. My parents act like they were superior in every way. As an only child, I had no one to compare my life since I was all alone. It’s been shocking to hear truths from my cousins about my parents now that I am an adult.

I was never taught how to have a relationship outside of my parents.

“There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first; when you learn to live for others, they will live for you.”

― Paramahansa Yogananda

I learned that any friendship should be lightweight because it took me away from my parents which was so selfish. When I was a teen, any boyfriend was a potential predator and I was just wasting my time anyway. It was selfish of me wanting to go out instead of staying in the house with my parents. They encouraged me to get a part-time job, but complained about my schedule. They complained when I cooked meals, but they wanted only to eat microwave dinners that I loathe.

After my suicide attempt, they really doubled down on the idea that of course no one could really love me, that they were only using me.

They taught me that they held my puppet strings and would never, ever cut those strings to allow me to be independent.

So, why is it a surprise that I learned how to be self-reliant?

I stand alone. I always have.

We are amused by and we idolize books and films and shows that portray INTJ or neurodivergent women, but no onet really wants to navigate relationships with them in real life. Wednesday Addams and Elizabeth Zott in Lessons in Chemistry are portrayed rather positively, but most are villains or bad girls.

I absolutely love and get very emotional about The Crab Scene from the Joy Luck Club. We are too often unseen and misunderstood by even the other women in our lives.

There are lessons and warnings in the old fairy tales. The “witch” seeks to capture and steal from her daughter, the “princess” her youth and beauty instead of embracing their own transition, wisdom, age, beauty in a different, less conventional or socially acceptable way.

Is a woman’s worth only in her youth, beauty, and men’s desire?

Is it any wonder that women are encouraged to pretend they’re still young and fuckable with hormone therapy, hysterectomies, mood enhancing drugs, Botox, expensive skin creams, shapewear, and all the physically, mentally, psychologically altering items we are marketed?

The Internet has brought us together in ways we couldn’t be together geographically. But, it also isolates many in the various accomodations the Internet offers. We don’t have to leave our homes to interact with others at all if we choose not to do so. There’s certainly a loss to barter for the convenience.

In my local city Facebook Moms Group, I usually lurk and read…and judge. So, so many moms post anonymously and I get that. They know they will be judged less harshly if they maintain their anonymity. The thing is that so many moms do not have any support networks and we do all judge each other way too much.

“How do you manage a relationship with in laws who don’t like you when there is children involved?”

There are 62 comments and counting. Many commenters have zero contact with family members and others have really tricky complicated relationships.

Another women’s Facebook group I’m in had a commenter mention that she was experiencing sorrow and grief making the transition to older motherhood. She realizes she will never have another baby and she is embarrassed to feel jealousy over her eldest daughter’s pregnancy. She had nowhere else to express herself other than a exercise/weight loss group! Thankfully, the mods didn’t remove the post and I am pleased by all the comments supporting and comforting and grieving with her.

Y’all, OMG we need to discuss these life experiences and transitions that women face without shame and with more love and compassion and comradery.

Our society doesn’t condone appreciating or honoring our elders. I see articles, art, movies and shows, and memes perpetuating and encouraging the younger generations to ridicule and humiliate the older generations. Sure, many refuse to grow or adapt or learn and stick to old ways that are outdated or harmful, but many of us long to bridge the gaps and help everyone rise up together.

So, so many of us didn’t get to witness our mothers, aunties, grandmothers experience feelings of loss or transition or growth or aging in any way, and certainly not in healthy ways.

Being a mother is very lonely.

While I often stand alone for my values and beliefs, it’s sad to always stand alone.

It is an honor to grow and age and transition into an elder lady with wisdom for the younger women.

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Midlife Crisis

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There is no such thing as spiritual warfare the way the evangelicals want us to believe. I spent too many years thinking that everything wrong or bad that happened in my life was the result of demonic powers or a negative spirit world. It created a lot of stress, but also releases a lot of people from any responsibility for their actions or reactions.

Obviously, young people are prone to doing stupid things. They’re expected to make mistakes and their youth and inexperience justifies poor decisions. This is the reason why auto insurance is so high until we’re age 25. Our brains aren’t developed enough yet to make wise decisions.

But there comes a point when we should be older and wiser.

There are many who get older, but not wiser.

There are healthy decisions and unhealthy decisions. As we get older and more mature, we tend to want to remove the chaff from the wheat of our lives. We realize what is truly important and we begin to weed out the toxins and streamline what and where we want our focus.

If we had smoother beginnings, then that point may come sooner rather than later or take an easier transition.

My husband and his two sisters had an idyllic life growing up, oblivious to anything negative in their little bubbles on their midwest farm, with their parents both teachers, and grandparents nearby. I like to joke that they had perfect linear trajectories with few blips. But I don’t see a lot of growth in them, since they’ve never know any real adversity.

I am jealous that my trajectory was a big squiggle. I am furious that my kids don’t have any extended family, but here we are, now.

We all know the cliché of the midlife crisis – when men buy a sports car and seek a divorce from the mother of the children to pursue a younger, more exciting woman, desperately trying to hold on to their youth or some idealized versions of themselves from high school or college.

This is a shallow idea of what a midlife crisis could be.

Not everyone goes out and blows a lot of money on a sports car. Not everyone divorces and gets a newer younger model spouse. Not everyone changes careers or moves across the country or world to start anew. Sometimes, it’s quieter, more internal turmoil.

When we reach our midpoint in life – and that period is surely different for everyone – we begin to analyze everything. The results are vastly different from individual to individual.

Autumn Living

The word crisis comes from the Greek κρίνω krinō, which means “distinguish, choose, decide” or “to separate, to sift” or “to pass judgement, to keep only what is worth while.”

Many of us experience multiple coinciding midlife crises – several all at once – and it creates a lot of stress if we don’t know how to approach these changes.

In the USA, the word crisis may seem like a negative one. We may prefer to express this stage of our lives as autumnal. We have surely lived through the spring and summer years, and we are beginning to slow down and dig deeper into the meanings and connections we have made in ourselves.

Maybe growing older is about taking risks and not living in fear.

Women’s bodies are amazing and I think that perimenopause is a bossy invitation to midlife women to stop putting ourselves last and to tell the truth about what we truly want for the years we have left.

A Life in Progress

Physical

The metabolism slows down.

Weight appears out of nowhere and decides to stick around. My knees crackle and pop and my feet and ankles hurt much of the time.

I’m learning that some foods and drinks affect my body adversely, so they need to be limited or cut out entirely. And it’s sad that I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted!

I now have to be mindful of my diet and exercise more and differently to maintain health and reduce joint pain.

Spiritual

We should be maturing spiritually, but I’m sad to see so many people holding onto static beliefs and negative feelings when they should be embracing more expansion in love and tolerance.

We stopped attending church because no one was growing and it just continued to become frustrating and then dangerous to expose our family to such hateful ideology.

I read constantly and expose myself to dissenting views because I want to grow. I want to be challenged.

Financial

Ironically, many people are in the top of their career and income earning years, just as kids are becoming more independent and needing fewer material goods.

This is a great time to review investments and plan better for retirement, limit and reduce unsecured debt, and set up or continue college accounts and trust funds for children and grandchildren.

I don’t agree at all with the people who want their kids to suffer because they suffered. I grew up in a lower income working class family. I have know educational and consumer debt. I struggled some months which bill to pay and which to gamble with until another month, even with late fees. I want my kids to be free of financial strain.

Retirement

It’s often a frightening time to approach retirement after decades of job security and the patterns of working regularly.

Many experience depression without the routine they’re used to having. They miss being needed.

When the schedule slows down, it becomes glaringly obvious that there isn’t enough wholesome or interesting activity to fill the time.

It’s a good time to renew hobbies or explore new interests.

Family

For many of us in our midlife years, we are simultaneously dealing with aging parents and fledgling adult children.

I am heartbroken that our families have chosen not to maintain a relationship with us. Out of sight, out of mind. My kids don’t know their grandparents or aunts.

Whereas my parents were and are very out of touch with me and popular culture, I strive to keep up with trends so I know what my kids are interested in and exposed to. I do refuse to get SnapChat or TikTok, but my kids send me the fun clips they know I like and I can see them posted on other forms of social media. I follow accounts and read articles and watch movies and shows that challenge me and keep me up to date. Urban Dictionary is my friend when I don’t understand a new slang term or concept!

Social-Emotional

We begin or continue to examine ourselves and our pasts to ensure a better future for ourselves and our families.

I read and commune with nature. I enjoy the arts. I grow.

I try to limit stress. I don’t like to be rushed. I am able to plan and be proactive.

We all have regrets.

We should desire to make amends.

We sometimes burn bridges.

We end generational trauma.

Two of my kids are in therapy. I have tried therapy many times for myself.

What I would prefer at this point is revolution.

At 47.5 years, I’m seeing myself quite alone in my journey and it sometimes saddens me.

Linking up: Randomosity, Silverado, Suburbia, Random Musings, Anita Ojeda, GraceFilled, Grammy’s Grid, Joanne Viola, Perfectly Imperfect, Jeanne Takenaka, Jenerally Informed, Life Tales, Esme Salon, RidgeHaven, InstaEncouragements, Mostly Blogging, Create with Joy, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, LouLou Girls, Marsha in Middle, Two Chicks, Shelbee on the Edge, Answer is Choco, Katherine’s Corner, Momfessionals, POCO, Lisa Notes, Crazy Little Lovebirds, Pam’s Party, Pieced Pastimes, Eclectic Red Barn,

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Women’s Health

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Women are not just small men. Aristotle was wrong.

All the books and articles and research into health care and practices over centuries focused on men.

There is still so little we know about women and our anatomy and all the experiences surrounding women’s experiences with adolescence, fertility, menstruation, breast health, childbearing, menopause.

We are constantly ridiculed in doctor’s offices. Our pain is waved away. It’s all in our heads. Are we overweight? Are we imagining it? We’re told to take ibuprofen, try a warm bath, don’t stress.

Our symptoms don’t exhibit the same way for the same conditions as men’s symptoms are more well-known.

I had an abortion when I was 22.

I was a different person then – scared, poor and in debt, no insurance, newly married and separated from an abusive man I would later divorce, shamed by evangelicals, finishing my master’s degree, and in line for my first real job.

I wrote about my abortion here. I’m tired of editing that article, so I’m writing this one from a different place. I think the trajectory of my life would be drastically different if I had not had that abortion. I certainly don’t think my life would be better. It was a difficult choice, but I still think it was the right choice despite all the trauma it caused.

My parents kind of forced me into it like I was a young shamed teenager. They convinced me I would be ruined for life, saddled with a child too young and unable to really care for it properly. In a way, they were right, but they were not very helpful, caring, or supportive.

My parents never spoke to me about it again after that day.

Not talking about it is worse.

My first husband told me to tell his family that I had a miscarriage due to the stress of our separation, and I stupidly went back to him out of guilt or something. But that’s another story.

The evangelical Christian church shamed me. They told me that my baby or baby’s soul would look down on me from heaven in disgust. I would never deserve to have more children. I was unfit to be a mother. I was a murderer. I was a sinner beyond forgiveness. They wanted me to be haunted and scared forever. They relished my discomfort.

This is control.

I don’t attend church anymore.

But those lies still live in me – the patriarchy, the spiritual abuse, the hatred and disdain.

All four of my childbirth experiences were traumatic. Medicalized childbirth is dangerous and I was treated like a thing and condescended to by all the medical professionals and my own family members.

I have three teens who were born with uteruses and my fourth child is a boy. I am 46 and haven’t reached menopause yet.

It’s taken me this long to be able to come to terms with all the problems I have faced with my health. And I am a very healthy person. I cannot even imagine what other women face with their health if they have chronic pain or illness or weight.

And if I, a WHITE WOMAN with wealth, health, and great insurance experience so many issues with receiving good health care, what in the world is happening to poor women? to women of color? to women who are seen as other? Women are often left without care, with less than stellar care, with little or no pain management, ridiculed and humiliated.

Women are DYING.

Government Intervention

I am beyond devastated that states are enacting forced birth laws and government-mandated childbirth.

I’m concerned about what could happen to my children or even myself if there were unwanted pregnancies from rape or complications with wanted pregnancies. So many news articles discuss doctors unable to perform necessary procedures to save a mother’s life during ectopic or miscarriage.

In August 2022, a pregnant Missouri woman named Mylissa Farmer suddenly needed an abortion, just over a month after her state enacted its near-total abortion ban. Her water had broken 17 weeks into her pregnancy, and her medical records indicated a number of health factors placing her at greater risk of pregnancy-related complications, including increased risk of sepsis, loss of her uterus, and even death. Farmer is also 41-years-old. Doctors treating her recommended an abortion, but, of course, couldn’t provide her one under state law. Source: Jezebel

When one side of the “discussion” decides that the other side is murdering babies, there isn’t a discussion anymore – there’s a war.

I don’t want to hear your arguments for overturning Roe v. Wade. I don’t want to hear your pro-life praise.

At six weeks, it is “cardiac activity” (no organ has formed) in an embryo that is smaller than a grain of rice. It is not a “fetal heartbeat.”

Most of us love life and babies. Babies are a miracle. I do NOT support forcing pregnancy or childbirth on anyone who doesn’t want it.

Forcing sterilization on anyone is eugenics.

Pro-Life?

The pro-forced birthers are really good at marketing.

Pro-life is a misnomer. It’s simple politics. Pro-lifers only care about white men who are valuable to the capitalist machine. Children, disabled, poor people…these are not valuable. Women are not valuable. People of color are not valuable; they are seen as a threat.

I’ve seen hundreds of tweets about telling women to stop having sex if they don’t want to get pregnant but I’ve seen few calls for men to become celibate or sterile. It will never cease to amaze me how little men are blamed for getting someone pregnant. This is about control and patriarchy.

Men don’t suffer in childbirth; there is no risk involved for men. So many mothers forced into motherhood and risking their lives to give birth. Where will all the unwanted babies go? We already have overwhelming numbers of children in foster care.

My eldest and I have Mirena IUDs, supposedly to regulate and reduce our periods, which doesn’t always work.

My husband had a vasectomy after our fourth child (a boy) was born, and no one asked for my consent!

I’ve read some politicians are wanting to limit contraceptive devices. This is a frightening misuse of power that will endanger so many lives.

Some states are enacting obscenity laws about gendered clothing, or rules for girls playing sports that require menstruation tracking.

Anyone can have an opinion. Your opinion should only govern you. Celebrating policy that revokes the rights of millions is not an opinion; it’s bad politics. No one cares about your opinion. It’s your politics that’s a problem.

Women in Pain

It is ridiculous that I tell my kids to exaggerate and I also have to exaggerate my symptoms or pain levels to be taken seriously. I have often sent my kids to the ER or a regular doctor appointment with my husband, their father, to ensure they receive better care. I often have my husband accompany me to appointments like I am an inept child because I have received poor care in the past and the medical professionals will often talk to him about me like I’m not even in the room.

Also, women should be able to be sedated during IUD explant and implantation. It’s a very painful procedure, even after childbirth. The medical community doesn’t care about women’s discomfort. We can get more help from dentists for procedures than we can for procedures involving women’s parts.

Women can’t get labs when we want to know why we have symptoms. See this thread.

I know I have been dismissed many times when suffering from “women’s problems.” I suffered for years with incontinence and fibroids. I have seen the other women in my family suffer with urinary and gyno issues and receive no care.

Out of desperation, women turn to dangerous supplements and herbs, trying to relieve pain and discomfort and symptoms.

There is no such thing as hormonal balance and no herb/plant can change hormone levels.

Dr. Jennifer Gunter

Women can’t request sterilization. So many doctors refuse elective procedures like tubal ligations or hysterectomies during child-bearing years. These doctors require waiting periods, spousal consent, and other demeaning concepts (like questioning “what if something happens to your living children?” or “what if you change your mind?” or “surely you want to try for another child of the other gender?”) because women do not have bodily autonomy.

Also, insurance often does not cover elective or preventive procedures like pelvic floor therapy.

A little over a year ago, I had surgery to remove two uterine fibroids. They really wanted to just remove all my parts because that’s easier for the doctors. I am mid-40s and it’s a military hospital. The language was so demeaning. There was no follow-up or recovery care.

Rape Culture

Not enough people are talking about consent and rape culture. We need to teach all genders consent from a very early age, practicing with babies even! We need to change how we view bodies and autonomy. Most of us were taught sex ed from a high school sports coach and that’s tragic.

I constantly see articles in the news and on social media protecting abusers and hushing victims of abuse and assault. The pastors are transferred to another church and the women are told to keep quiet, pray more, forgive. Comedians are not really cancelled and are selling out auditoriums while the abused women are silenced and suffer. The #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements did some to help, but it’s not enough and there are still rape apologists who make the road harder.

And for the people who claim they would never get an abortion, great! But you don’t get to decide for everyone. You never know the circumstances and decisions others must make for themselves.

Also, period products should be FREE.

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My Laparoscopic Myomectomy

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My cycle was regular and asymptomatic since I was 13.

But the last three years, I got tired of suffering each month with extremely heavy periods. I even landed in the ER a couple months ago.

Ultrasound and MRI showed two fibroids, probably in my uterus for a decade or longer.

Who knows, really? Since the only time doctors took scans were to view pregnancies.

What are fibroids?

Uterine fibroids are noncancerous growths of the uterus that often appear during childbearing years. Intramural fibroids grow within the muscular uterine wall. Submucosal fibroids bulge into the uterine cavity. Subserosal fibroids project to the outside of the uterus.

Estrogen and progesterone, two hormones that stimulate development of the uterine lining during each menstrual cycle in preparation for pregnancy, appear to promote the growth of fibroids. Fibroids contain more estrogen and progesterone receptors than normal uterine muscle cells do. Fibroids tend to shrink after menopause due to a decrease in hormone production.

After removal, they can grow back. I have years before menopause, so I worry.

Symptoms of Fibroids:

  • Heavy menstrual bleeding
  • Menstrual periods lasting more than a week
  • Pelvic pressure or pain
  • Frequent urination
  • Difficulty emptying the bladder
  • Constipation
  • Backache or leg pains

I had all those symptoms for a really long time.

My belly is still big even though my youngest child is now 10. The few times I asked doctors about my bladder issues and tummy flab, I was dismissed.

I feel really let down by the medical community. No one really knows why women get fibroids. No one really know hows to stop them or treat them. Women’s health doesn’t seem a priority.

A female NP prescribed Mirena IUD to see if that would help my symptoms, just a bandaid.

I agreed to try it to reduce my estrogen and see if it would shrink the fibroids or reduce my period bleeding.

It didn’t help at all.

I weighed all my options. I didn’t want anything removed that didn’t have to be. Many doctors only do hysterectomies because that’s easier for them and a permanent solution to many gynecological problems.

I chose to remove my uterine fibroids with Robot Assisted Laparoscopic Myomectomy.

Thankfully, Wright Patterson Air Force Base hospital has a doctor on staff highly trained. She has been wonderful and I was able to get the surgery scheduled, even during the pandemic.

Before Surgery

I wanted to be as healthy and strong as I could be so I would have the quickest and easiest recovery.

I’ve been exercising and eating well for months, but I really ramped it up this last month and lost a few more pounds and got very toned. Still can’t lose this C-section pouch, but maybe with the fibroids removed, it will help.

No fish oil or flaxseed or anything that could thin the blood for two weeks prior to surgery. I had never heard this before. No vitamins or supplements for 72 hours prior to surgery to ensure no interactions with anesthesia or drugs.

I ate very light the few days leading up to surgery. No alcohol. Less caffeine.

I stocked the fridge, freezer, and pantry with quick and easy healthy foods for the kids and my husband to make. I planned dinners based on worst case scenario since I really didn’t know how I would feel the first week. I made them promise to make and eat vegetables.

Day of Surgery: Thursday

Nothing to eat after midnight. Just like a Mogwai.

I did not opt to sip water or Gatorade up to two hours before surgery. I hydrated well the last few days. I have a history of vomiting during my four childbirths, so I was very nervous about that. I’ve never had general anesthesia before so I was worried what my reaction might be.

I wore comfy loose clothes so I wouldn’t have to worry about anything tight across my belly.

I showed up at 0545 and got prepped for my 0700 surgery.

I got changed in to a surgical gown and got an IV.

I had already signed all my consent and risk forms. A nurse verified everything and asked some questions. It was quick and easy since I have no prior conditions and I take no prescription medications. I’m pretty healthy and boring.

Pre-surgery meds for pain, muscles, nerves, and an anti-nausea were in pill form. I got an anti-nausea patch behind my left ear that works for three days. I got anti-anxiety meds and saline through my IV. I got compression boots to relieve swelling and that was a great relief to me since I usually swell up very badly with IV fluids. I was told I would probably receive a block injection in my abdominal muscles before surgery to help alleviate pain.

The techs, nurses, and anesthesiologists were all so very comforting.

Last thing I remember was viewing the OR and it seemed like a whole crowd of people in there and my doctor asking if I liked her music as two nurses held and rubbed my hands.

My husband said he got an update that they had begun and another update when I was going to the first recovery.

I woke up rather suddenly and it didn’t seem to take long for me to get released home.

I was wrapped with a thick elastic velcro belly band and that thing was sure a life saver.

I was sent home with ibuprofen, Tylenol, and tiny Oxycontin. Also Colace for a stool softener.

I had a larger incision in my navel and two small ones on either side. There were gauze and Tegaderm over the incisions. There were steri-strips over the stitches. The stitches dissolve. Granulation tissue appears as the tissue comes together and heals. It can be red and puckery or white.

The two fibroids were 75.4 grams, 10.0 x 8.5 x 1.5 cm.

I wasn’t under too many restrictions. No heavy lifting. No driving until off pain meds. It was a long weekend, so I had plenty of help with my kids and husband home. I didn’t drive for over a week.

After Surgery

First Evening

I was very woozy and dizzy and not at all hungry the whole first evening.

I had to force myself to sip water, Gatorade, and apple juice until I felt I could eat a little. I was pretty queasy.

My belly was very sore and swollen. I had a huge bruise under my belly button. A heating pad helped so much.

I had pretty horrible gas pains all evening Thursday and all day Friday. The Colace helped and I took that for a few days.

My throat and diaphragm were terribly sore from the breathing tube for a couple days. Ricola herbal drops helped.

Day 1: Friday

I slept in my recliner in the living room for the first two nights, Thursday and Friday.

I was able to eat more normally by Friday afternoon and I felt my appetite return. Still, I ate light, less than I really wanted. I was still pretty woozy.

I walked to the end of my street and back.

The doctor called to check on me and told me I could remove the bandages and shower.

My husband grilled some honey lime chicken breasts and I ate ok.

Day 2: Saturday

I was able to shower. My kids told me I smelled like hospital so I guess that was their way of telling me I should bathe.

It took a long time to get over the dizziness. I had no energy or stamina for a week. It takes about that long for all the meds to wear off.

Saturday was a painful day. I started getting nerve pain in my incisions and cramps inside worse than any menstrual cramps I’ve ever had. My pelvis felt sore and heavy.

I was able to sleep in my bed.

We had our usual pizza night but I could only eat about a third my usual portion.

Day 3: Sunday

I took off the belly band because I didn’t think my belly was getting enough air to heal well. My belly button was too moist and the steri-strips fell off.

I walked one lap around our neighborhood pond.

My husband grilled a tritip steak and I was able to eat that ok.

Day 4: Monday

I felt pretty good and proud I didn’t need the support of the belly band anymore. My muscles weren’t as sore.

I did my regular walk around our neighborhood pond: 3 laps.

My husband made cashew chicken for dinner and I ate that ok.

Day 5: Tuesday

Rough day. I was so sleepy and woozy all day long and just longed to go back to bed. I was sore and crampy.

I craved salt so my husband made homemade potato chips with kielbasa for dinner.

Day 6: Wednesday

I felt better with more energy. I sat outside in the sunshine and sunned my belly to heal.

I was able to eat a little beef stew for dinner.

Day 7: Thursday

My two smaller holes are almost completely healed and barely visible. I was worried my navel incision was getting infected. I had diarrhea all morning and a slight fever. General malaise.

I made delicious spaghetti and meatballs for dinner.

Day 8: Friday

Still had diarrhea this morning and slight fever. Worried about infection. Got more steri-strips for my belly button incision which was not healing as well as I had hoped. Doctor said it is not infection, but it is angry.

Still have bruising on my pelvis and where the IV was in my hand.

Pizza night again! I made a white chicken pizza.

Day 9: Saturday

Rainy all day. I didn’t do much today. Resting is good.

My husband made homemade Philly cheesesteaks and fries for dinner.

Day 10: Sunday

Rainy all day. I was quite lazy. Resting is good.

My husband grilled an eye of round roast for dinner. I roasted a sheet of veggies.

Day 11: Monday

Didn’t sleep well.

Follow-up Appointment with my surgeon. My belly button wasn’t as healed as she liked. She told me to use bacterial ointment on the wound and cortisone for my rashes.

This was the first time I drove since the surgery.

Still feeling bruised and wearing jeans was probably not the best choice. The button was irritating.

My dishwasher died and I’m in mourning.

I made chili and tacos for dinner.

Day 12: Tuesday

Didn’t sleep well.

My kids had a dentist appointment and after waiting on that two hour ordeal, I was pretty tired the rest of the day.

We bought a new dishwasher and will get it installed in a week. I’m still in mourning.

My husband grilled salmon and chicken. I made couscous, sauteed spinach, and salad.

Day 13: Wednesday

I weighted 139 when I woke up!

Didn’t sleep well. Woke up with a bad headache.

I was tired all day.

My belly button is still bright pink and puckery.

I put my belly band back on for my walk around the pond and the rest of the afternoon for extra support.

I made borscht and goulash for dinner in the slow cookers.

Day 14: Thursday

It’s the two-week mark!

I feel strong. Sneezing and coughing doesn’t hurt.

My digestion is still off a little.

My bladder doesn’t feel as inflamed as it did before the surgery. I don’t feel the same urgency or spasms.

My belly button is almost completely healed. The scars are barely noticeable. My hand still feels bruised from the IV!

We cleared out the fridge of leftovers for dinner this night.

What’s Next?

I’m making changes to my lifestyle to insure healing and hopefully these fibroids won’t grow back.

I don’t smoke. I’m cutting way back on my alcohol intake. My D levels are good. I walk almost 2-3 miles every day. I’m not overweight and I’m almost back to what I weighed 15 years ago, but stronger and more toned. My blood pressure is great.

I’m increasing my fiber intake. Potassium-rich foods, full fat dairy like cheese and yogurt, and green tea are in my daily diet.

I’m avoiding sugar and soy. I just learned to avoid flax since it’s an estrogen-increasing food.

I read the Mediterranean Diet is best for overall health, but especially for women’s hormonal issues.

I already love the foods I ate in Italy and Greece and I’m incorporating more recipes into my daily repertoire. I’m learning about other cuisines from the Mediterranean region, which varies greatly. So thankful my family is willing to experiment and try new flavors and textures.

I go back for my last follow-up appointment with my doctor in early November.

Hopefully after my follow-up appointment, I will be cleared to begin exercising regularly again. I may look into abdominal massage if I still can’t lose this tummy after resuming my workouts.

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To My Daughters

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I look at my daughters, ages 12 and 13 and 18, and I wonder what others see.

I see my children.

I see these girls as babies, toddlers, preschoolers, awkward youngsters, now the young women they are growing to be.

But they’re not grown. They are still children.

They may have breasts and periods and stand up tall and straight.

They may look you in the eye, challenge you, laugh at your stupid jokes, be embarrassed for you. They may appear proud and confident and older than they are. They see themselves as equals to others.

They are physically and emotionally strong.

They have a right to be silly, to take up space, to be loud, to have opinions, to be smart, to be sarcastic, to be leaders.

They work together, help others, show compassion and empathy. They also know how and when to compete or cooperate.

I have done all I can to prepare them for a cruel world while protecting their tender hearts.

To My Daughters:

I’m sorry I can’t protect you anymore.

When you were little, I didn’t worry so much about your safety. I gave you boundaries and appropriate freedom to grow and explore. I enjoyed watching you play sports, run and climb trees, bike and rollerblade, play in the creek and snow.

But now that you’re older, I have different fears.

I’m sorry that the state and country we live in considers you grown women when you are children.

But boys aren’t men when they have no healthy rites of passage. I’m sorry they fear our moon-blood cycles and power.

If WHEN you are assaulted, harassed, groped, whistled at, spoken to inappropriately…you will shocked that it happened to you, to your sister, to your friend, to me, to your aunts, your grandmothers. You will be asked what you wore, what you said, what your expression was, what you were doing, why did it happen, why didn’t you avoid it.

I’m sorry that our leaders consider women less-than, without a voice, unimportant.

I’m sorry our country is not ready for a female president.

I’m sorry that the patriarchal government doesn’t consider your bodies your own.

I’m sorry that new laws are regressing and it seems like we’re going backwards instead of progressing forward.

I’m sorry that many men and a lot of women are silent and complacent and think it can’t be that bad. It doesn’t affect them, so they ignore it.

I’m sorry that you have to stay together on your walks and be ultra-aware of your surroundings and others.

I’m sorry that you have learned fear.

I’m sorry that our society is leaning farther and farther into dystopian Handmaid’s Tale territory.

I’m sorry so many are so afraid that they’re locking up children and turning away with their hatred. I wish I could say that they don’t realize what they do, but I worry they completely understand and are doing it anyway. History repeats itself.

I’m sorry that our fundamentalist society no longer recognizes the power of the goddess, the life-giver, the glory of the female.

In their fear of female, men (and other women) create laws and rules and regulations to oppress women and children.

Men quickly forget that they are nothing without women. They wouldn’t even have been created or be alive – to complain about women.

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.
― Maya Angelou

When or if you become mothers to your own children or any child, society will vilify you for everything you do. It will never be enough. You will never be enough. But you will be your child’s universe and goddess. Don’t ever forget that and just always strive for excellence.

I’m sorry that mental health has such a stigma still. You’re gonna be mostly on your own with that. There shouldn’t be shame. It should be like any other health issue. Our country doesn’t care about health, and surely not mental health.

I’m sorry my generation and previous generations destroyed our environment. I’m sorry for all the single use plastic and straws and toothbrushes and trash I just threw away. I’m sorry we didn’t and don’t do more and it might be too late now.

I’m sorry we wasted years in bad churches. I’m sorry we went down that abusive path in order to find Truth. I’m sorry I contributed to it in my search for God. I’m sorry they didn’t appreciate questions, your intelligence, or your abilities. I pray you find Love.

I’m sorry that higher education is essentially worthless and crazy expensive. I pray that I have prepared you for more.

I’m sorry that racism runs rampant. I’m ashamed to be white. Please use your privilege to call out racism wherever you see it. Educate others how to be kind.

I’m sorry that our society is a feudal system to debt. Consumerism consumes and is forever ravenous. I pray you seek value.

Protest. Speak up. Love.

Watch out for each other. Help each other. Help your friends.

I pray that you are safe.

Linking up: April Harris, LouLou Girls, Uncommon Suburbia, Pinventures, Farmhouse 40, Modest Mom, Welcome Heart, Kingdom Bloggers, Mary Geisen, My Captain, Create with Joy, Abounding Grace, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Sarah Frazer, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Life Abundant, Apron Strings, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, Over the Moon, Reflections from Home, Penny’s Passion, TFT, Try it Like it, Creative K Kids, Chic on a Shoestring, Quiet Homemaker, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Grandmas Ideas, Momfessionals, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Crystal Waddell, CWJ, Fireman’s Wife, OMHG, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith, Purposeful Faith,

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No More Incontinence

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Apparently, I have a tiny bladder.

My family teases me that I have to go all the time.

My first grade teacher told my mother I was retarded because I needed to use the restroom frequently – and got my p’s and b’s mixed up. I remember too many embarrassing days when I had accidents sitting at my desk because my teacher refused to allow me to use the in-class toilet except during her prescribed breaks.

Of course, pregnancy and childbirth causes stress to the bladder and urinary tract. It seems I haven’t fully recovered and my youngest is now four years old.

Time to research and heal so I can run, jump, laugh, and sneeze without having an embarrassing accident.

No More Incontinence

Urinary Health

Going to the gym is always an adventure. Many of my acquaintances can’t relate because they’re stronger or they don’t have kids – or maybe they only have a couple kids who were born with average weight and they just don’t have any bladder issues.

I have four kids and I can’t do jumping jacks.

My kids were BIG babies. And they kickboxed my bladder. They came out like toddlers, holding their heads up and their hands out for the car keys and demanding steak dinners.

My first was almost 8 pounds and I bounced back completely after having her because I was young at only 24. My second was almost ten pounds. A mere fourteen months later, my third came along at almost eleven pounds. She was my C-Section baby. My last baby was VBAC and he was 9 pounds, 1 ounce.

I want to be able to run, jump, do exercises, sneeze, and laugh without worry.

I’ve been taking half dropperfuls of a urinary health tincture twice a day, morning and evening. I use a great oil blend that includes spearmint, sage, geranium, myrtle, nutmeg, and German chamomile (over kidneys) and cypress essential oil (over bladder) topically every evening to try to help balance out everything and support urinary health.

It does help! I forgot to do this routine a couple nights and I had more problems on those days than when I remembered to do this regimen.

I drink lots of water. While that does mean I go more frequently (which is really, really frequently compared to most people), it does help toxins get flushed out of my system.

I try to limit caffeine and alcohol consumption because those irritate the bladder. Also citrus irritates the bladder, so I limit those fruits and juices.

I try to eat well, with lots of veggies and fiber. We had lots of catering trays of sandwiches the week the moving company was packing and moving our household goods. While it was a healthier option than greasy fast food, that was not the best week for my urinary and digestive health.

One day, I drank a Throwback (real sugar) Mountain Dew and that was a big mistake. A healthy digestion essential oil blend and rest and eating better the next day helped. Sugar and carbonation doesn’t do well with me. Soda is a bladder irritant.

I should stick to water and occasionally tea.

Strengthening the Muscles

Some of us bounce back fine from having babies. I did ok until 11 pound #3 came along.

Then, there was no more bouncing for me.

It took quite a while for me to lose weight and feel better after having my third baby by C-Section. My body was pretty drained. I was advised to take mineral supplements and adjust my diet. It was recommended we follow a Paleo-type diet – long before that was a fad! This was the beginning of our healthy journey!

I slowly got healthier and got my energy and body and life back.

Then I got pregnant again with my son.

I was healthier during that pregnancy since I was put on a no-sugar diet for gestational diabetes.

I still have about ten pounds I would like to lose. I usually feel great and have enough energy to get done what needs to get done. Supplements, regular exercise, and great diet help.

But diet alone isn’t enough to heal all the mama parts that are stretched out and loose and weak by pregnancies.

But most of the exercises at gyms and in home videos and online aren’t helpful. They could actually harm the body more.

Online exercises programs are great, like Fit2Be.

It’s a great membership with online workout videos, a Facebook group, forum, and a lovely teacher. Beth is direct, professional, and knowledgeable. The exercises are short and sweet for busy moms, but they really work with regular use. Many of the exercises can be done sitting or while you’re doing other things. There are programs for the whole family. The kids love to do yoga moves with me! There are workouts for pregnancy, strengthening that core and pelvic floor, challenges, and running. I’ve never found another workout program so comprehensive, challenging, yet gentle.

Join Fit2b.us

Also, the Metabolic Renewal program is useful to work out hormone issues with diet and exercises, specifically during perimenopause or menopause. It’s a one-time paid membership with diet tips and online workouts with a supportive Facebook group.

Pelvic floor physical therapy is a great option I’m looking into and my doctor is referring me!

I’m still on the strengthening part. But I’m getting stronger.

Medical Intervention

Sometimes, we can’t fix ourselves all alone.

As I’ve gotten older, my muscles just aren’t maintaining tone with yoga, walking, Kegels, and online exercises.

I developed a cystocele and rectocele and I have to strengthen my pelvic floor to heal them. I must make sure I avoid bladder irritants. I stay hydrated and eat lots of fiber so I don’t get constipated.

I recently developed a 6 cm fibroid and we’re shrinking that with Mirena and keeping an eye on it.

It’s important to get regular checkups with women’s health professionals to rule out problems and to know options for hormone replacement, exercises, physical therapy, pessaries, or even surgery.

I think incontinence is more common than we think.

My mother even had surgery to repair her bladder, then a hysterectomy.

Many women occasionally confide that they have to wear pads in case of accidents. They complain they can’t play with their kids on the trampoline or run for fear of accidents.

It’s embarrassing.

It shouldn’t be.

We’re all in this mama journey together. Let’s help each other instead of hiding.

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