Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Halloween with Teens

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Please see my suggested resources.

October 4, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 5 Comments

This last year and a half has been difficult and with the stress of living through a global pandemic, I realize my kids are growing up and outgrowing some fun kids activities right under my nose.

Autumn is my favorite time of year.

We didn’t go trick or treating for Halloween last year, even though lots of our neighbors did. We didn’t turn on our light or set out candy and the kids and I cringed every time our doorbell rang anyway. I worried we would get egged or TP’ed or some other vandalism, but we were trying to follow health guidelines in spite of everyone else. It was a long, rough night.

We tried to celebrate Christmas last year and make it special. I love having teens and watching them grow, but it is bittersweet seeing the last semblance of their childhoods fade away.

It looks like this year will be more of the same. I’m sad and I’m seeking ways to make our average days special and give us all something to look forward to. We are all depressed and worried and stressed and wondering if there will be an end in sight for the pandemic and tragic world events.

We did attend a few outdoor events when we thought it might become safer – before it was a reality that the Delta variant and COVID were still rampant. We are lucky we are healthy.

We’re still masking and distancing while it seems much of the rest of the world is moving on, going “back to normal.”

Two of my daughters have had close calls with coworkers and friend’s family members testing positive.

My son hardly eats as fall baseball is canceled and he has lost any social interaction we were able to continue. I have watched my happy go lucky little boy turn into a sad-eyed young man in a year.

Our kids will never fully recover from the stress of this era, most of which was preventable.

I’m desperate to find activities we can do in our home as a family that keep us occupied, take our minds off the catastrophes for a little while.

Halloween with Teens

  • Movie Party
  • Spooky Books
  • Dress-up or Costume Party
  • Scavenger hunt
  • Bonfire
  • Jack o’ Lanterns
  • Decorating with leaves, pumpkins, gourds, spider webs, skeletons
  • Game night
  • Card games
  • Baking – We love these Pumpkin Scones and these Pumpkin Streusel Muffins!
  • Cooking contest (like Chopped)
  • Fall leaves hiking
  • Cocoa, tea, or cider bar
  • Outdoor games
  • Pumpkin patch or corn maze
  • Learn about the Reformation
  • Learn about All Saints’ Day

My kids actually like being together and I love to see it!

How do we create opportunities to look forward to something?

You might also like:

  • Christmas with Teens
  • The Last Time
  • Parenting Teens
  • How Teens Can Spend Summer
  • 5 Best Life Skills Books for Teens
  • How We Celebrate Halloween
  • Homeschool Schedule with Teens

Linking up: Grammy’s

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Christmas with Teens

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Please see my suggested resources.

December 14, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 7 Comments

When my kids were young, I struggled to make holidays magical.

It was actually pretty easy because kids look for magic everywhere.

I struggled for moderation and balance. I didn’t like going into debt for one day and see all the presents discarded while they played with one simple toy for months afterwards.

I almost miss the pretty dresses and excitement leading up to Christmas morning.

Now that my kids are teens, they really don’t even remember those holidays when they were young. They don’t remember our decorations or the presents or the food or the spilled wine or my sadness, stress, and worry I felt.

The kids ask for stories of holidays when I was young or how did we celebrate in Hawaii when we lived there. I don’t gloss over anything. It helps me to talk about it.

Holidays have always been hard for me. I’ve spent many years laying a foundation of memories for my children in spite of my triggers and stresses and perfectionism.

I realize my giving up control and letting my kids do the holidays how they want has really made us all so much happier.

Over the years, I did some things right and oh, so many things wrong.

Some years, we put the tree up way early. We did this during deployment and this year with the pandemic. We need some joy.

The kids almost set up and decorate everything with very little input from me these last few years. I stand back in awe. They work together like clockwork. The kids even set up the lights and animal decorations outside.

We began traditions years ago that have stayed with us and we all look forward to St. Nicholas’ Day and Hanukkah latkes each year. We look forward to the Solstice.

My teens love to bake and they’re old enough now that I come home from errands or appointments to a lovely walnut pound cake or pumpernickel bread or a new cookie recipe.

My middle daughters make homemade gifts – jewelry and art. I am impressed by their creativity.

My son has always helped me with the gift wrapping. I find it interesting that his sisters have never really expressed interest.

I love seeing the pride on their faces that they did these wonderful magical things for our family. They are making great memories.

I love watching holiday movies with my kids. They still love the fun family favorites and we’re adding new traditions each year. There hardly seems time enough to watch everything!

We love listening to holiday music and find some fun and unique play lists during our pizza making each week.

I still read aloud every morning with our homeschool and holiday books.

My eldest moved out a month ago and we’re enjoying seeing her about once a week for a family dinner. Her siblings miss her and love playing games and watching videos with her.

Many activities we have done every year, but they just seem more special now that my teens look forward to them and even remind me. They rave about my Aunt Betty’s punch that we only have on special occasions.

They’re starting to realize and prefer the frugal activities that mean more than spending lots of money on fleeting experiences or items that won’t last.

Holiday Fun with Teens

  • Advent Readings and Celebrations
  • Frank Kelly Christmas Countdown
  • PNC Christmas Price Index
  • Holiday Movies
  • Holiday Books
  • Saint Nicholas Day
  • Hanukkah Latkes
  • Looking at Lights
  • Baking and Cooking – See some recipes for snowballs, chocolate chip, and chocolate spice cookies
  • Cocoa or Cider Bar
  • Winter Hiking
  • Ice Skating or Tubing
  • Game Night
  • Christmas Tea Party
  • Winter Solstice Activities

How have your holidays changed with older kids?

Resources:

  • Watch for the Light: Readings for Advent and Christmas
  • Advent: The Once and Future Coming of Jesus Christ by Fleming Rutledge
  • Low: An Honest Advent Devotional by John Pavlovitz
  • Honest Advent: Awakening to the Wonder of God-with-Us Then, Here, and Now by Scott Erickson
  • Calm Christmas and a Happy New Year: A little book of festive joy by Beth Kempton
  • Have Yourself a Minimalist Christmas: Slow Down, Save Money & Enjoy a More Intentional Holiday by Meg Nordmann
  • Hundred Dollar Holiday: The Case For A More Joyful Christmas by Bill McKibben
  • Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guide to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season by Jo Robinson and Jean C Staeheli

You might also like:

  • Pandemic Holiday Tips
  • Gift Guides for Everyone
  • Holiday Blues
  • Introvert Holiday Survival Guide
  • Celebrating Holidays During Deployment
  • Blue Christmas
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Thirteen

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September 28, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 7 Comments

All three of my girls are now over twelve years old.

I feel poignant about this. I should feel happy to get over that hump, I guess.

My girls are getting much more independent, doing their own things. I encourage them to own themselves, speaking up, and managing their own appointments, activities, time.

Watching them walk away with my heart is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. Keeping a smile on my face so they don’t see my anxiety is about to kill me.

My daughters are 19, 14, and 13.

My son is just now ten, but it seems different.

Having teen girls isn’t all the bad that society and the media portray it to be.

Parenting teens doesn’t have to break us.

I really love seeing my girls grow and mature. It’s fascinating to see their minds change as their bodies also develop. Two of my daughters are bigger than I am and they almost cradle me now as I once cradled their small childish forms. But they can also hip check me in a moment so I love how gracious and sweet they are.

I remember how awkward I was at age thirteen, lanky and uncomfortable in my skin, unsure of my thoughts, struggling to fit in with kids at school, wondering who I should be and what values I should have.

I love how much more capable and confident my daughters are than I was at their age.

When my kids were very little, they were highly active and energetic. My girls went through the typical awkward stage when the were like young colts learning how to canter gracefully. Gymnastics and sports help with getting through these awkward times. They’re pretty aware of their bodies and the space they take up and I encourage my girls to expand themselves instead of shrinking as our society and the church culture seem to require. I want them to regain their confidence they seemed to have misplaced the last few years.

I read a lot of child development, cognitive psychology, and education material. I’m not an expert, but I am fascinated in learning about these topics and how I can best teach and parent my four kids.

I often use the analogy with my family that adolescent brains change from a child caterpillar brain to confused mush like a chrysalis, then to the more mature butterfly young adult brain by the time they’re 25.

Changes I’m Noticing in my Teens

Attention spans

It’s great that I can hold my girls’ attention for longer than ten minutes. I can give multi-step instructions and usually expect them to be followed and completed. Their memories are getting better. I see them focus on activities for longer periods of time, often completing projects before getting distracted or moving on to something else. I love they have the ability to train their minds by staying at home. We work, work, work, on brain health and executive function so they can do their best.

Making connections

We’re in our last 4-year cycle of history in our homeschool, beginning the rhetoric phase. Witnessing the connections and abstract thinking in my girls just brings me the greatest joy as a mother and teacher. They can think critically younger and better than I could when I was in college! I love their hard questions that we research and work through together.

Awareness of current events

I enjoy having the hard conversations with my kids and hearing what they think of what’s happening in our city, state, country, and the world. I have to be careful not to overwhelm my younger kids with the horrors of our world and continue to focus on hope and love and reconciliation. They’re starting to ask what they can do to help make our world a better place. We recycle, compost, reduce, reuse. We try with our baby steps to ease our consciences any way we can. Every little bit counts.

Expansion of strengths

After years of exposing and strewing and providing so many opportunities and experiences for my kids, they’re starting to narrow down what they’re interested in, focusing more on what they love, looking at ways to turn their passions into careers. I love seeing them grow and teach themselves. We start out generalizing their education and seeing them begin to specialize is so fun.

Ability to take criticism

My kids are so much healthier than I ever was (and still am) about constructive criticism. I try to scaffold and prime my kids when I think a situation or experience might be difficult or stressful or just very new. I want them to be aware of what to expect. I can’t always predict what might happen or what people might say or do. I can’t always be there to protect my kids. They’re growing more and more independent. Other adults and kids often aren’t as kind with their words or actions. We discuss the situation afterwards.

Maturity

I love seeing the potential in my kids. I’m getting glimpses of the adults they will soon be. They use nonviolent language (mostly) and solve problems (usually well and without my input) together. We seldom have negative or immature conflicts in our household. They have more emotional intelligence than I ever did. I’m learning so much from my kids about how to be healthy in all relationships.

Around age 12, kids undergo a big change, a crisis, in their development. They are reaching puberty and hormones make physical and mental changes in their bodies. It’s a difficult age and many kids struggle to make this change and reach the other side unscathed. Two of my girls suffer depression and anxiety. I know I sure had trouble for several years from 12-15. There seems little I can do to help my girls overcome or avoid the inner struggle. Perhaps it’s genetic or just their personalities.

Of course, tweens and teens are weebly wobbly and sometimes it seems like one step forward and three steps back.

I love being with my kids all day, every day and learning academics with them and assisting them to explore their interests. I am privileged and blessed to travel this life with my children.

During the first seven years, children work mainly out of imitation, while from ages 7-14, children work out of authority. This is why attachment is so important to develop a trusting relationship with kids.

This is also why many families experience difficulties with teens not listening. They didn’t feel attached or safe or listened to as young children, so they won’t just magically begin when they’re older. They develop their own thoughts, values, opinions, preferences. Many parents feel threatened and triggered by kids who express themselves, question authority, and other natural developmental growth.

I’m seeing my girls begin to try on new personalities and personas like actresses. They’re trying to discover who they are and who they’d like to be, what they’d like to look like. They change their hair and clothes very frequently. I try to keep up. I try to be patient and welcoming. Sometimes, it’s frustrating and since I’m pretty constant and decrepit in my boring 40s, there are bound to be clashes when I don’t realize they’ve already moved on to something new.

The Waldorf curriculum is so incredible because it is so responsive to student development. I believe all children should have access to an education that respects their development and inspires their soul. I wish I had discovered it many years ago when we began homeschooling. I try to incorporate aspects of it in our learning rhythms.

Looking back at my children when they were babies, toddlers, preschoolers, learning to read and ride bikes, it’s easy to see the milestones they reached and achieved.

My girls look like women now and I have to look twice sometimes and my heart hitches as I remember their goofiness when they were small.

Now, my teens are looking more to the future and completing high school, making friends, planning for jobs and college and careers.

I love watching them learn how to fly.

Thirteen year olds are often withdrawn physically and emotionally, can be standoffish, tends to be critical – they are protecting their budding separate thoughts and personality!

The Parenting Passageway

You might also like:

  • Sixteen
  • Eighteen
  • Ten
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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: development, high school, parenting, teen

High School Homeschool

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure.
Please see my suggested resources.

August 17, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 6 Comments

I graduated my eldest daughter from our homeschool a few years ago.

Her homeschool high school years were exciting for us all, and unique since we lived in Germany at the time.

My two middle girls are entering their high school years.

I feel a little more comfortable for our second round.

We’re adding more multicultural and social justice books to our reading lists. I am much more relaxed.

More and more, I am watching them walk away from me.

What Homeschool High School Looks Like for Us the Second Time

We’re trying to max out their academic transcripts with 4 English, 4 Social Studies, 4 Math, and 4 Science.

My girls have already completed General science, Physical science, and Biology from Apologia.

We use Tapestry of Grace for humanities with a 4-year history cycle. Tapestry of Grace offers lovely descriptions for each thread to help with transcripts.

Electives are religion, art, cooking, sports, and foreign language.

My girls are 13 and 14 this year and we homeschool year-round so we don’t have to rush.

They expect to complete all my requirements around age 16, like their older sister did. They want to get part-time jobs, volunteer, explore hobbies, perhaps pursue dual college enrollment locally until beginning college full-time. And we don’t pressure about college.

9th grade curriculum

  • Ancient world literature
  • Ancient world history
  • Ancient world geography, philosophy, government
  • Ancient religion and Bible history
  • Algebra I (Life of Fred, VideoText, OpenStax)
  • Astronomy and Microbiology from OpenStax

10th grade

  • Middle Ages world literature
  • Middle Ages world history
  • Middle Ages world geography, philosophy, government
  • Middle Ages world religion and Bible history
  • History of language – King Alfred’s English
  • Algebra II (Life of Fred, VideoText, OpenStax)
  • Chemistry (either Apologia or OpenStax)

11th grade

  • Renaissance-Industrial Revolution world literature
  • Renaissance-Industrial Revolution world history
  • Renaissance-Industrial Revolution world and US geography, philosophy, government
  • Renaissance-Industrial Revolution world religion and Bible history
  • US History from OpenStax
  • Geometry (Life of Fred, VideoText, OpenStax)
  • Physics (either Apologia or OpenStax)

12th grade

  • Modern and Contemporary world literature
  • Modern and Contemporary world history
  • Modern and Contemporary world and US geography, philosophy, government
  • Modern and Contemporary world religion and Bible history
  • US History from OpenStax
  • Trig/Calc from OpenStax
  • Psychology and/or advanced science from OpenStax

Pinterest Boards

  • US History
  • Year 1 History
  • Year 2 History
  • Year 3 History
  • Year 4 History
  • Art
  • Language
  • Religion

High School Homeschool Resources:

  • Graduating Homeschool High School
  • Health Credit
  • Transcripts and Credits
  • Homeschool Planner Printables
  • Civil Air Patrol as Elective
  • Homeschool Electives
  • How we do Art
  • How we do History
  • I Don’t Teach English
  • How I Teach Religion
  • How we do Math
  • Foreign Language
  • How we do Science
  • Preparing for After High School
  • 5 Best Life Skills Books for Teens

How do you homeschool high school?

Linking up: Random Musings, Mostly Blogging, Anita Ojeda, Welcome Heart, April Harris, Marilyn’s Treats, Little Cottage, Kippi at Home, LouLou Girls, Home Stories, InstaEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, Our Three Peas, Grandmas Ideas, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Ducks in a Row, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, CKK, Imparting Grace, Ridge Haven Homestead, Apron Strings, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Create with Joy,

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Parenting Young Adults

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure.
Please see my suggested resources.

July 20, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

Parenting is a series of mistakes, failures, successes, heartache, pride.

My firstborn is certainly the research subject in all our parenting decisions.
She is also the catalyst for many rules and lots of changes we make in our family.

She was always a dynamo. She never met a stranger. She’s a social butterfly through and through and I am always content to be “Her Mom.”

I’ve watched her grow and fail, learn, and dance to and fro.

We began homeschooling because of her fall birthday. We tried a month of third grade because of her and promptly brought her back home.

I pushed until she pushed back.

I learned boundaries as a parent. I learned how to be me, a mother, a person, and make personal demands based on my own needs from her example.

She’s quite the lawyer in her well-thought-out arguments and I struggle sometimes to be democratic, respectful, gentle.

I was never treated with respect in my own home when I was growing up. I had no privacy. I wasn’t allowed to express emotions or thoughts. I attempted suicide at age 20 and ran away at age 21.

I want to be a better parent than mine were. Navigating this modern world with no role models and no guidance is really hard.

I feel I am in uncharted waters with an almost twenty-year-old.

The Christian parenting and the secular parenting books, blogs, experts all say almost the same things – tough love, harsh consequences, isolation, withdrawing love and affection, removing privileges. We don’t do that with our young kids, so why would we start now?

I never liked the purity or stay at home daughter movements. They remove autonomy from women and open doors for abusive relationships.

Parenting never ends.

As children get older, the parent-child relationship evolves into friendship, hopefully. It becomes a solid relationship with gives and takes. It amazing to watch these little people grow into adults.

Our society does not respect children. Teenagers are viewed with suspicion and young adults are often humiliated and taken advantage of by many adults.

Young people have so much to offer if we allowed them respect and freedom they deserve.

Parenting a Young Adult

Respect

I have always tried to respect my children. It’s sometimes difficult when I feel disrespected and triggered. I often have to walk away and give myself a timeout and think about it.

I have very few rules: no drugs. no porn. no illegal activity.

I require my children to respect each other.

Communication is important. It’s up to me as the adult and parent to model healthy and nonviolent communication. Sometimes, it’s really, really hard. I have had to walk away to think and regroup and calm down many times.

I find myself more and more stating as calmly as possible, “What you said/did is disrespectful and that’s not ok.”

Expectations

We tried to do a contract, but it was worthless with no real consequences. It just has to be an ongoing conversation and it’s exhausting.

I keep going back to respect. If we’ve never done arbitrary consequences, how can I begin now? I don’t want to require her to pay rent because she needs to save for college and her future, even though she hasn’t saved a penny in over two years from her part time job.

Attending college classes and working a part time job is paramount. I feel it teaches responsibility and offers a gradual climb into the adult world of vast responsibility.

While I would love to expect chores to be completed, that isn’t always the priority at this stage when there are assignment deadlines and potentially late shift work schedules.

I have found that if I issue very specific time-sensitive commands, they get done more immediately.

Disappointment

Of course I’ve been disappointed by some of my child’s poor choices.

I had to get over my own issues with piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair. It’s her body.

While tattoos and ear plugs are pretty irreversible, I don’t worry so much about hair anymore.

It’s more worrisome when she’s made poor financial and relationship choices. She has to live and learn from her mistakes.

She hates college and I don’t really blame her. It really is so very different than twenty years ago and I don’t understand why. It should be easier with so much information at our fingertips. She’s taking some time off and looking for full time work.

I’m trying not to project onto her my education values. Sometimes it does feel like a kick in the teeth. All those homeschool years – wasted? It’s her life and her future. But I fear she may have unnecessary struggles without a college degree, certificate, apprenticeship, or training.

One-third of college students drop out at the end of their freshman year. The United States now has the highest college dropout rate in the industrial world.

Thrivers by Michelle Borba

Boundaries

I have to set clear boundaries – with consequences.

It’s really hard when there are few arbitrary consequences that matter with older teens and young adults.

Natural consequences can be scary and dangerous. Risk taking isn’t such a big deal with small kids. They might get a bruise or at worst a broken bone. Older teens and young adults might get in trouble with legal authorities or cause real irreparable harm to themselves and others.

I don’t want to the younger kids exposed to inappropriate media. I don’t want my younger kids exposed to porn, racist or sexist jokes, or violence.

Social media continues to expose the masses to a plethora of information, not all of it good. We use it as education as to boundaries, what’s worthwhile and what is abusive or vile.

I say often why something is inappropriate. Often I feel it shouldn’t be consumed by anyone.

I teach about tone and sarcasm. We need to practice kindness and I must model it for them to be to recognize it.

Why should we exploit others for entertainment?

Preparation

Preparing for the future is most important for young adults.

The goal is that they be successful and independent citizens.

I try to begin young with all my kids, teaching them valuable life skills.

I discuss finances, values, goals frequently about things they understand.

They know when we have struggled financially because of an emergency. They understand when we’re saving or paying off debt. I want them to realize their privilege in financial security also.

They’ve never known adversity. Other than stress and moving frequently as a military family.

I require my kids to purchase their own smartphones. We pay for the monthly family plan.

As soon as their age is in double digits, they call to make their own appointments, with me standing by to assist if needed.

I encourage my kids to talk to clerks and store employees if they need something or to place an order. They need to learn to communicate clearly and respectfully with others.

Of course, kids must learn to do their laundry and make meals for themselves. I provide a cookbook with all our favorite family recipes.

They must help with car maintenance. It’s important to learn and understand the expense of necessary auto upkeep.

We have 529 college plans, but they probably won’t pay for an entire four-year degree. They have to work part time, save, and apply for scholarships. We discourage loans and the lifelong debt that brings.

It’s so hard sometimes to watch the fledglings flounder, fall, fail. I want to rescue them, but that wouldn’t help them learn to be successful.

You might also like:

  • Graduating from Homeschool
  • Parenting Teens
  • 5 Best Life Skills Books for Teens
  • How to Prepare for After High School
  • Homeschool High School
  • Teen Driving Tips
  • Emotional Health
  • Teaching Kids About Healthy Relationships

Resources:

  • You Are Not Special: … And Other Encouragements by David McCullough Jr.
  • Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults by Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington
  • Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns
  • Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke
  • How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims
  • Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel M.D.
  • Smart but Scattered–and Stalled: 10 Steps to Help Young Adults Use Their Executive Skills to Set Goals, Make a Plan, and Successfully Leave the Nest by Richard Guare, Colin Guare, Peg Dawson

What’s your relationship like with your adult children?

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Parenting Teens

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Please see my suggested resources.

September 16, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 20 Comments

Teens often say harsh things to their parents.

I get my feelings hurt, but I have to push that aside and realize that teens are learning how to be people, just as I am still learning how to be people.

Teens are sorting their identity and trying on new personalities and clothing and seeing how words taste in their mouths.

Most of what teens say in the heat of a moment, they don’t really mean in their hearts.

I hate you! You’re controlling! This is abuse!

The teenage years don’t have to break us.

We need to deal with our own triggers and trauma and not project those onto our children. They will push every single button. It’s up to us not to react, but to be proactive, kind, loving, patient, nurturing, understanding.

Teens haven’t developed self-control, achieved maturity, or discovered the ability to critically think about consequences to their words and actions. It’s often not until their mid-20s that children reach full brain development.

As a parent, I must be flexible, and accept the changes and challenges my teens are dealing with, going through. They should feel safe and comfortable with me, so they will often lash out since they can’t release those emotions anywhere else.

Essentially, teens are just big toddlers who eat a lot of chips and ask for the keys to the car.

While I have made many mistakes and did my own share of discovering who I was as a person and parent, I will not apologize for how I raised my kids.

I did my best until I knew better, then I did better.

My mental load as a parent is off the charts high. I consider everything and try to be proactive with our four kids.

I examine our faith ideals, military life, homeschool education, value systems, health, and investments to provide the best start in life that I can for my kids.

It’s a constant battle with our culture, media, peers, teachers, even my spouse at times.

In our society, it’s the norm to push our kids out the door as babies and toddlers in daycare with underpaid and undermanned teachers, then as preschoolers, elementary kids, middle schoolers, high schoolers off to overcrowded school buildings with frazzled teachers as they’re corralled into same age groups.

We wonder why teens don’t respect us or value our opinions.

Teens (and even some kids and tweens) are more attached to their peers than to adults. It’s the blind leading the blind. We can’t parent teens like we parent small kids who literally need us as parents for survival.

Many of us go against our instincts and better judgment and listen to the “experts” who tell us to let our kids be independent, unattached, cry it out.

Parenthood is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired. Attachment is not a behavior to be learned but a connection to be sought.

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld 

There’s a line drawn between adults and kids. There’s a bitter battle in western society between adults and kids, and especially teens. Our society teaches that parents are adversaries and kids should rebel. Childism is a real thing as they’re constantly told they’re powerless and voiceless but to hurry up and grow up and be compliant and responsible.

A pathological state of youth, heretofore unrecognized by history, was designed by G. Stanley Hall of Johns Hopkins University. He called it adolescence and debuted the condition in a huge two-volume study of that name, published in 1904. Trained in Prussia as behavioral psychologist Wilhelm Wundt’s first assistant, Hall (immensely influential in school circles at the beginning of the 20th century) identified adolescence as a dangerously irrational state of human growth requiring psychological controls inculcated through schooling.

Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto

Parenting Teens is Tough

Faith

I wasn’t raised in church, so I was a blank slate. I wanted my kids to grow up in church. My husband was Presbyterian, so we tried that in the beginning.

I remember friends doing youth group and hanging out on Sunday and Wednesday nights with their parents and lots of church friends. That sounded so desirable to me.

I wanted my family to have church culture.

Then we moved.

And we moved.

Then we moved again.

I researched and found Independent Baptist, not realizing how fundamentalist it was. We left that after a few years of utter brainwashing.

We tried an inclusive Lutheran church, but when that church got a new LCMS pastor, we left.

When we moved again, we went back to Presbyterian. It was so lukewarm that we left for good.

I’m tired of not fitting in, fighting leadership in pew-warming established cliquey white suburban conservative churches, being transient in new communities.

I don’t value youth groups because it’s not about vertical culture, being taught by mature adults to impressionable youth. It’s more about horizontal culture, peer attachment, and socializing. There is value in that, but kids get more than enough. The church really doesn’t have to mimic society.

Many churches pride themselves of separating families by age groups at the door, and even gender in some places. Babies go to nursery, and kids get corralled to same age classes. Adults are often divided into groups by demographic, interest, or family dynamic. While many think this is great and it’s a sign of the church’s power and affluence to have that much space and the numbers to provide it, but it’s just destroying family values and parent attachment by perpetuating the culture of childism and separation.

My vision of religious culture is different now.

My kids have a faith foundation because we do much reading and working as a family to learn more about love, hope, and church history.

For now, our family has unanimously decided to take a break from church attendance.

Education

We tried homeschooling back in 2005, planning to eventually go back to “normal” but that just never happened.

Homeschooling afforded us so much freedom to travel, explore, learn in new and exciting ways.

Sure, we had some flops with curriculum and co-op, but we learned from it.

As I look back over all the fun experiences we’ve had over the years – in several U.S. states and in Europe, I am amazed.

We were challenged and learned about things we never would have in schools.

If the kids had attended school – public, private, church, DoD, we couldn’t have accomplished so much or been together.

Sometimes, they balk and wish they attended school and fear they’re missing out, but we slog through those difficult feelings.

It’s very difficult to be undermined by “experts” who think fitting into society by attending government school is the only answer to socialization.

The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship.

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld 

I struggle sometimes with providing all the resources for their often fleeting interests and passions. I don’t push hard and sometimes they wish I did and sometimes they wish for me to be even more laidback. It’s never a win-win.

Today, it might be art. Tomorrow it might be guitar. Next week, it’s French. I try to have patience and let them learn and explore.

Military Life

It’s been really hard moving around every few years.

We have few friends, and often only for short periods of time. Family is far away and we don’t even know them anymore.

Incessant transplanting has rendered us anonymous, creating the antithesis to the attachment village.

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld 

This is my biggest regret, but I wouldn’t trade it for permanence in a mediocre place.

We’ve had so many wonderful opportunities we could never have afforded without the military sending us to live in Hawaii and Europe. Even Texas, Utah, and Ohio gave us interesting options. And I accept the bad with the good.

I know as kids get older, they look at other lifestyles and wonder and even sometimes wish for what they could have had. Comparison is hard.

But this life has offered them resilience and many other life skills.

We’re getting tired though.

Parenting

I knew I wanted to raise my kids differently than I was raised.

The fundamentalist evangelical Christian church encourages hitting children to control their behavior and break their “sinful” wills. This is one of the reasons we left church.

We knew there were better ways to parent and we researched and read and realized we had no real role models.

I wish I had known gentle parenting from the beginning, but we live in a Puritanical shaming society that teaches, encourages, and uses abuse in church, school, and home to control children. This is the norm. Anything different gets side-eye from other parents. The mom wars, the judgment.

I have few rules. I expect kindness above all, and that pretty much solves most of the issues that arise in our home. We discuss boundaries and reasons, cause and effect, consequences.

There’s so much more to parenting than controlling screen time, rewards, punishments, tracking teens’ whereabouts through GPS devices, and complaining about their messy rooms.

We’re so often disappointed by others who aren’t kind and don’t understand gentleness and love – other kids, parents, leaders, teachers. It makes us sad.

I’ve made many mistakes as a parent and I am constantly evolving.

Teen brains are still developing. They don’t know how to make the connections between rules and consequences during emergencies. They still need lots of grace and guidance.

Parenting tweens and teens isn’t so much about letting go, as it is about hanging on for the roller coaster ride.

I try really hard not to take things personally. I try to read their mood and not react. I try to remain silent and not offer unsolicited advice.

It hurts when they tell me they don’t appreciate me or my jokes or my history or my reasons.

They’ve started joking, “Yeah, Mom, back in Georgia. In the ’90s.”

I’ve learned to accept and think about what they say rather than just waiting to reply.

All parenting is about connection. Attachment.

Health

It’s important to address teen health issues – both physical and mental.

Teens are under so much stress that can affect their health.

Vitamin deficiencies can become prevalent with poor teen or college diet. Fast food and energy drinks are popular, cheaper, and easier than meals.

Physical health issues can mimic many mental health disorders. It’s important to keep up with annual physicals and labs to monitor health.

Girls seem so much more prone to being low in iron, B, and D.

Mental health should be addressed as easily or even more than physical health.

Teens are learning to navigate relationships and it’s often very taxing on their emotions when friendships are troubled or just end.

Depression and anxiety seem to be much more common and should be addressed. Proper coping mechanisms need to be learned.

I won’t allow my kids to lie in their beds all day. They must accompany me on family walks after dinner.

Professionals can offer resources or even short term meds to help teens and young adults deal with the stress of high school, college, exams, relationships, and identity issues.

Outside and nature time is important. Free play, privacy, and quiet time are important – even for teens. Too many tweens and teens get so busy that they’re indoors all day, every day and it’s not healthy.

While I don’t limit screen time, I do realize social media is a poor replacement for real connection. So I talk to my teens about my concerns and how dangerous the Internet and social media can be. We discuss comparisons and the unreality of the Instamodels and their curated perfection.

We have ongoing age-appropriate discussions about sexuality. This cannot just be a one-time talk about what goes where, and please don’t do it until you’re over 30.

I don’t talk to others about my kids without their permission, and this includes siblings. I don’t post pictures or information about them online without their permission. I don’t go through their rooms or personal items without permission. They are people and have rights to their privacy. (There are times when I would break this rule to protect them and others.)

Trust is important.

I do want them to be able to talk to me about anything, even if it makes me very uncomfortable.

We have family dinners every night. We take evening walks almost every night. We play cards and tabletop games. We read together. We create together. I think balance is key.

I’m a coach, modeling to my kids how to live their best life. They learn to make wise decisions by making mistakes. Failure and natural consequences are the best teachers.

Adult children

When children reach the age of 18, they are considered legal adults and can vote, register for the draft, join the military, drive a car at any time, purchase tobacco products and sex toys.

Kids who are 18 can’t rent a car or hotel room. Some apartments won’t rent to anyone under age 21. Vehicle insurance is exorbitant until the late-20s. Few can be approved for an auto loan at a good rate.

Our society is confusing in that most 18 year olds are still in their last year of high school, having to request permission to use a toilet, but they’re expected to be mature, functioning adult members of society. They’re criticized for everything they do and say and monitored in stores as potential shoplifters, even more so if they’re not white. It’s assumed they can’t function without their faces aglow from the social media apps on their smartphones.

Expectations don’t meet the reality of the stresses teens and young adults face.

Even working full-time at an entry-level job, it is very difficult for young adults to achieve financial independence from parents.

College loans and credit cards are financial traps for young adults.

Without higher education from a technical or trade school, college or university, or apprenticeship, most employers aren’t interested.

It’s frustrating that most jobs my peers and I held as a teen – babysitting, pet sitting, household chores, yard work…aren’t available to teens as many adults vie for these flexible positions and many parents want to hire more qualified and certified adults to watch their children and pets and do their undesirable chores (but not with equal pay).

We invested in 529 plans for each of our children for higher education. We expect them to work part time jobs to make up any differences or to supplement their wants. We encourage them to apply for scholarships and work study programs to offset costs for higher learning. And all this builds character.

As a parent of teens, I must help my children navigate this tumultuous transition into adulthood.

There are so many ups and downs. Our society assumes that arguments and strife is normal, but it doesn’t have to be. Relationships evolve over time. I am still a mother and I still have children, though they’re older, hopefully wiser, and have more freedoms. And I can’t take things personally. I have to take a step back and remember when I was their age. I am here to assist and coach.

If you want to have a good relationship with your teenagers, you need to begin developing that relationship when the kids are very young.

Parents who control young children and treat them harshly won’t magically have great open relationships with their teens. Once they reach the ability to think abstractly, they will naturally questions rules and seek to be independent and authoritarian parents can’t handle that. Threats and punishments often backfire. Creating a prison of home doesn’t make anyone want to cooperate. Then parents want to take the easy way out and give up, shipping kids to relatives or military school, or something drastic.

Trust doesn’t just happen overnight. You can’t be a rule-cracking authoritarian and long for warm embraces and meaningful conversations from a distant and hesitant teen.

You develop trust from babyhood, working, failing, struggling, apologizing, loving – and doing it all over. Yes, it’s exhausting, and it can be heartbreaking, but it’s the most rewarding thing in the world.

Parenting teens requires diligence, consistency, honesty, forgiveness, and patience.

Resources:

  • Positive Discipline for Teenagers, Revised 3rd Edition: Empowering Your Teens and Yourself Through Kind and Firm Parenting by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott
  • The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults by Frances E Jensen and Amy Ellis Nutt 
  • Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting by LR Knost
  • Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Laura Markham
  • Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood by Lisa Damour
  • Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say by John Townsend
  • How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
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Homeschool Middle School

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August 20, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

Middle school, or junior high, is a transition time – between elementary and childhood, high school and college prep.

It’s awkward and gawky and uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally. For the kids and for me!

I loved teaching 8th grade, many years ago now. It was so exciting to see the kids change from the first day to the last day. And I love seeing my students all grown up and starting their own families and teaching their own classes!

Homeschooling was a huge switch for me. I went from teaching teens and adults to teaching a 5 year old, then my babies. As they grew, I became more comfortable. I grew with them, learned with them. We all adapted.

Having my kids reach middle school is so much fun for me. I tease them: you’re in my world now. I know this. I got this. We’re gonna do this right.

The kids know I was totally out of my element teaching preschool and elementary. We laugh about it now. I learned to love it, but I absolutely adore teaching middle and high school.

I love having my tweens and teens home with me. I love discussing history and literature and science and art and music, and even math. I love seeing the connections and assimilation going on from all the topics and travels and years I’ve taught them. I love still reading aloud to them.

I love the sudden fierce hugs. I love watching their bodies grow full and strong, giving me a glimpse into the adults they will soon be. I giggle that they’re all becoming taller than I am! I love hearing about their sports events and art and what they found in the woods. I love that they still show me rocks and flowers and worms and cicada shells.

They’re still so much children but they’re becoming so responsible and big. I desperately want to protect them while realizing I must fall back little by little and let them learn their own path.

I was horrified by a conversation I had the other day where a lady described her son’s harsh transition into middle school. He was suddenly completely responsible each day for turning in his work in the correct tray, completed, on time. There were no reminders or anything. I gave multiple reminders to my kids, even my college students! This is just ridiculous and sets kids up for failure. Her son’s As and Bs turned to Ds and Fs. Without an IEP, there was no assistance from the teacher or support from administrators. This is not the real world!

A master teacher, rather than pushing pupils toward independence, supplies them instead with generous offerings of assistance. A master teacher wants her students to think for themselves but knows the students cannot get there if she resists their dependence or chastises them for lacking maturity. Her students are free to lean on her without any sense of shame for their neediness.

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, MD

Middle school need not be a scary age to navigate or teach.

It’s important as parents, we understand the changes our kids go through at this age. We must be supportive and patient. We must remember what it was like for us at that age.

Adolescence is a critical time for brain growth. Thinking become less concrete and more abstract. Hormones and body changes are awkward. Critical thinking is more advanced. Short term memory may be compromised as everything tears down and redevelops.

I highly recommend the books by Louise Bates Ames. A good guide to follow is What Your 6th Grader Needs to Know: Fundamentals of a Good First-Grade Education by E.D. Hirsch, Jr.

I still read aloud every morning and evening. We go on lots of family hikes. We go out for ice cream and slushies a lot and this is a great time for conversation. We have dinner together at home as a family every night.

It becomes more and more difficult to find interesting and wholesome activities for older kids and teens in our society. It becomes narrower for homeschool kids. Even school kids mostly do sports.

Most states don’t allow paid employment until after age 14, and most of those jobs are pretty undesirable. We’ve found the minimum age for many volunteer opportunities is 15 or older.

The town library closes at 5 PM on Fridays and it’s a big joke in our family that there is nothing wholesome to do.

I constantly shift our priorities as interests change.

Our Middle School Curriculum

6th Grade

This is a huge transition year for most kids – in schools and with homeschooling. For us, dialectic work begins. There’s lots more writing, questions, critical thinking. My kids expand their interests: dug deeper and explored new things!

  • Singapore Math 6
  • Life of Fred Intermediate
  • Tapestry of Grace Year 2 – history, geography, literature
  • Notebooking
  • Latin
  • French or German
  • Spelling Workout G
  • Apologia General Science and lots of unit studies

7th Grade

This is one of my favorite years. My kids constantly surprised me with their interests, abilities, and minds. Their intelligent, thought-provoking questions encouraged me to be more honest and authentic. We all made lifestyle changes for improvement.

  • Singapore New Elementary Math
  • Life of Fred Pre-Algebra
  • Tapestry of Grace Year 3 – history, geography, literature
  • Notebooking
  • Latin
  • French or German
  • Spelling Workout H
  • Apologia Physical Science

8th Grade

My kids began to earn high school credits. We transition from dialectic level to rhetoric level work. It’s amazing to look back on the changes since 6th grade!

  • Videotext Algebra
  • Life of Fred Algebra
  • Tapestry of Grace Year 4 – history, geography, literature, government, philosophy
  • Notebooking
  • French or German
  • Latin, Greek, or Hebrew
  • Apologia Biology

These few years between elementary and high school are crucial to having a great relationship with my kids when they’re older teens and young adults.

You ought to give him a taste of freedom while he still thinks it’s yours to give. ~Outlander

I give them more space, freedom, privacy. I encourage discussion about academics, religion, sex and culture, current events, their interests, their lives.

I still remember them as rambunctious babies, toddlers, youngsters…and now they’re growing up into these wonderful young adults.

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Homeschool Schedule with Teens

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July 23, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 10 Comments

Life has seemed to slow down lots now that my kids are older.

When the kids were little, it seemed like I constantly ran, was perpetually exhausted.

It’s so much easier now. But sometimes, it seems so difficult too.

We protect our time and space for peace.

Each child has only one or two activities so we’re not overscheduled.

My eldest daughter is starting college and does private art lessons.

My middle daughter practices aerial gymnastics and makes jewelry.

My youngest daughter does fall soccer and art lessons.

My son does fall and spring baseball and weekly ninja classes. He’s not quite a teen yet, but he’s sure not my little boy anymore.

They’re all so independent now. Time slips through my fingers.

I try to wake up early to make a hot breakfast, clean the kitchen, start laundry, get my writing completed for the day.

Bedtime is often haphazard. There is seldom snuggling, stories, and prayers anymore. Often, we still do reading and devotions after dinner on the sofas after evenings walks and before wind down. But something definitely is lost and I miss it.

I try really hard to do tuck-ins but it’s often spurned these days. I’m often ready for bedtime and sleeptime before they are.

The best times are when we gather to listen to owls or tree frogs, watch for backyard bats, notice the moon and stars and clouds, have a heron sighting, taste a fresh tomato and herbs that we grew, go giddy over first snowflakes, rolling thunder, the smell of rain on a hot summer day, the intricacies of a perfectly formed veiny golden leaf or butterfly.

I refuse to curate perfection for social media or have a showroom house.

I refuse to give up ties to Nature.

We cycle with the seasons.

We seldom set alarm clocks. We’re not rushed. We flow.

There are some things we do year-round for continuity.

It’s just good to be flexible.

Our Schedule with Teens:

In summer, we’re at play.

We sleep late, stay up late with the sunshine.

We eat breakfast or brunch whenever we get up, usually between 8 and 9. The kids pack themselves picnic lunches and hike into the woods. We have family dinners outside on the deck if it’s cool enough.

We catch up on Netflix shows.

We enjoy observing the hummingbirds and woodpeckers and other critters that come to our backyard feeders.

The kids often swim down the street with their friend at his pool. We play with water balloons and water guns.

They go on bike rides or rollerblading.

Boredom is a good thing and sparks imagination and creativity.

We look at the night sky. We watch thunderstorms.

I want to teach them a lifetime of wonder.

In fall, we begin a new school cycle.

We read together every morning after breakfast.

They complete their lessons and have the afternoons mostly to themselves to do what they want.

We cook more with cooler weather. It’s fun trying new recipes.

We go on nature hikes to look at leaves.

Learning is a lifestyle for us, but we are more focused and scheduled in fall and winter.

Family dinners are often rushed, later, or on the go with soccer and baseball season.

We enjoy celebrating the harvest festivals. Fall is a magical time.

In winter, we’re at rest.

While the world seems to go to sleep and become dormant, we snuggle up indoors with candles and blankets.

We read more and watch educational shows.

We practice Hygge.

We still go outside on walks to look at nature changes.

We make soups and stews and bake a lot.

Family dinners are more of an event. We have the time to be more elaborate.

We celebrate feasts and festivals.

In spring, we awaken.

We stretch towards the warm sun like flowers blooming after the winter.

We’re finishing up our school lessons for the year.

We look forward to summer while we watch the world wake up and be reborn.

We greet each new bud and shade of green with awe and joy.

We’re ready for playtime again.

How does your family flow?

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The Last Time

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May 6, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

It’s often poignant watching my kids grow up.

I made a lot of mistakes with my first child, as parents often do. I was anxious, worried, struggling with my own demons, learning to grow up myself.

With my two middle girls, I learned to be calmer, set better priorities, love well.

With my son, my youngest, I have learned most of my parenting lessons and practice being mindful.

I’m always learning, and always amazed, thrilled, surprised.

My kids are wonderful people and I feel such joy and pride watching them interact with each other, me, their dad, and others.

We seldom know when it’s the last time as a parent.

  • The last diaper change
  • The last ride in a carseat
  • The last time she lets me wash and comb her hair
  • The last time he says, “Mom, look at me!”
  • The last third grade math book
  • The last dandelion given for no reason
  • The last homeschool lesson
  • The last driving lesson
  • The last family vacation

I want my kids to be independent and successful.

Success looks different for each child.

The whole point is to prepare them for the world and gently push them away bit by bit, little birds flying from the nest.

I feel it’s important not to compare my kids to each other or to others, but to recognize that each of my children is a unique person with gifts, struggles, strengths, and room for improvement.

We focus on healthy relationships and emotions.

I feel poignant and bittersweet as my eldest is now 18. And my middle daughter just turned 13. My third child is turning 12. My son just turned 9.

I want to stop time.

The Last Time

~Author Unknown~

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

Resources:

  • The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Proven Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel
  • No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegal
  • Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv
  • There’s No Such Thing as Bad Weather: A Scandinavian Mom’s Secrets for Raising Healthy, Resilient, and Confident Kids (from Friluftsliv to Hygge) by Linda Åkeson McGurk  
  • Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray
  • Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting by LR Knost
  • Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld
  • Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

You might also like:

  • Books about Siblings
  • If I Had a Sibling
  • 5 Ways to Cultivate Relationships
  • In the Middle
  • 10 Things I Want to Tell My Children
  • Christmas with Teens
  • Halloween with Teens

Hold your children close, with open hands.

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Eighteen

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October 14, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

18.

My baby is 18 now.

An official adult.

In America, this means you can vote! and buy tobacco products (don’t). You’re still treated like a child, but expected to be mature beyond your experience.

In Europe, you could buy liquor or we could have a cocktail together in a pub.

You still don’t have your driver’s license and that’s ok. I try not to push you to do anything until you’re ready.

I know how stubborn you can be.

You’re my first baby, and I did a lot of things wrong.

I hardly felt grown myself when I had you.

I was anxious about the silly things and screwed up some important things. I was too strict in the beginning. I yelled and hit. I was childish and mean.

Then I began to understand.

You’re the reason I’ve done everything.

I pulled myself out of emotional, financial, and relationship pits for you.

We homeschooled for you.

You were my anchor.

It’s a lot of responsibility for a child’s shoulders to bear.

I have lots of regrets and apologies. I’ve tried to always be honest with you, even when I’m ashamed.

I know growing up can be scary. I know there are so many difficult decisions. Sometimes, I get scared for you. It seems that life throws lots of curveballs within just a few years and it seems like you have to make all the right decisions superfast or you will fail miserably. I feel anxiety but you have to learn and make your own way. If I catch you all the time, you won’t be able to march on. Comparing yourself to others makes it worse. I know it seems like others have it made and it looks so easy for them. I know it’s lonely. Even if you make a wrong decision (like I made so, so many), you will still eventually succeed. Your success might look different than you imagine. You can always make amends, changes, u-turns. Hearts heal. You can change your major. You can get a different job. Relationships come and go.

Life hurts.

You are resilient and strong.

I am so proud of you.

What I pray for you now that you’re spreading your wings:

Voice

I love that you know who you are. I am just figuring that out for myself.

I’m learning to listen better.

I love that you’re assertive and have opinions, even when we disagree.

I love who you are as a big sister. Thank you for caring so much.

I admire your wit.

Be careful on social media.

Be kind.

Maintain integrity in everything.

Use your voice to lift up others and make a difference. I believe you can change the world for better.

Self-Care

Learn what your body needs for health.

Yes, it really does help to go outside and enjoy nature – in every kind of weather.

Drink lots of water. It helps flush out toxins and makes you feel better. Honest.

Eat well and regularly. It regulates your metabolism. You will thank me when you’re 35.

Take time for yourself to heal and recover. But make sure you get back out there.

Safety

I still worry.

I still want to know where you are and who you’re with.

I will always be concerned.

I hope you never have to utilize those skills you learned in that 2-hour self-defense class.

I know I can’t keep you safe like I could when you were little, but I hope you’re always aware of your surroundings.

Finances

We’ve tried really hard to stay debt-free. We’ve had our ups and downs.

I want you to have a better beginning, with no student loan debt. No car loan.

Debt can be crippling to recover from.

Credit cards are not for regular use, but only for emergencies.

Start saving for wants and emergencies as soon as you can.

Money is a tool like any other.

I pray we’ve given you a great beginning.

“Intelligence plus character—that is the goal of true education.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

“Now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for you being here. Make good art.” ~Neil Gaiman

While we have few milestones or coming of age rituals in the USA, I hope I made your birthdays and life events special.

This is 18 Around the World.

What seems to emerge after the trials of the fifteen/sixteen change is a calmer, more self-assured young person.  They don’t need to talk about everything anymore.  They are trying to handle things themselves in a more self-contained way than ever before.  They are preparing for their own life where they must stand on their own two feet.  Parents often are not sure how much to intervene or offer help at this stage.

The Parenting Passageway

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: college, development, high school, parenting, teen

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