Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Protection

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I do not need protection.

You were never there when I needed help.

My cries went unanswered.

I dried my own tears.

I’ve learned to rely only on myself.

What do you think you can protect me from?

Your words?

Your actions?

Your own failure?

I protect myself

from my fear

glancing for my exits

I stare into the darkness

with my keys splayed between my fingers

scanning the shadows

listening for foot shuffles

locking my doors

encrypting my financial information

updating my privacy on apps

changing my passwords

and still the memory

of your idea of protection

of the abuse

of the assault

haunts me in my nightmares.

My faith is shattered.

I don’t need your fucking protection.

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Women’s Health

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Women are not just small men. Aristotle was wrong.

All the books and articles and research into health care and practices over centuries focused on men.

There is still so little we know about women and our anatomy and all the experiences surrounding women’s experiences with adolescence, fertility, menstruation, breast health, childbearing, menopause.

We are constantly ridiculed in doctor’s offices. Our pain is waved away. It’s all in our heads. Are we overweight? Are we imagining it? We’re told to take ibuprofen, try a warm bath, don’t stress.

Our symptoms don’t exhibit the same way for the same conditions as men’s symptoms are more well-known.

I had an abortion when I was 22.

I was a different person then – scared, poor and in debt, no insurance, newly married and separated from an abusive man I would later divorce, shamed by evangelicals, finishing my master’s degree, and in line for my first real job.

I wrote about my abortion here. I’m tired of editing that article, so I’m writing this one from a different place. I think the trajectory of my life would be drastically different if I had not had that abortion. I certainly don’t think my life would be better. It was a difficult choice, but I still think it was the right choice despite all the trauma it caused.

My parents kind of forced me into it like I was a young shamed teenager. They convinced me I would be ruined for life, saddled with a child too young and unable to really care for it properly. In a way, they were right, but they were not very helpful, caring, or supportive.

My parents never spoke to me about it again after that day.

Not talking about it is worse.

My first husband told me to tell his family that I had a miscarriage due to the stress of our separation, and I stupidly went back to him out of guilt or something. But that’s another story.

The evangelical Christian church shamed me. They told me that my baby or baby’s soul would look down on me from heaven in disgust. I would never deserve to have more children. I was unfit to be a mother. I was a murderer. I was a sinner beyond forgiveness. They wanted me to be haunted and scared forever. They relished my discomfort.

This is control.

I don’t attend church anymore.

But those lies still live in me – the patriarchy, the spiritual abuse, the hatred and disdain.

All four of my childbirth experiences were traumatic. Medicalized childbirth is dangerous and I was treated like a thing and condescended to by all the medical professionals and my own family members.

I have three teens who were born with uteruses and my fourth child is a boy. I am 46 and haven’t reached menopause yet.

It’s taken me this long to be able to come to terms with all the problems I have faced with my health. And I am a very healthy person. I cannot even imagine what other women face with their health if they have chronic pain or illness or weight.

And if I, a WHITE WOMAN with wealth, health, and great insurance experience so many issues with receiving good health care, what in the world is happening to poor women? to women of color? to women who are seen as other? Women are often left without care, with less than stellar care, with little or no pain management, ridiculed and humiliated.

Women are DYING.

Government Intervention

I am beyond devastated that states are enacting forced birth laws and government-mandated childbirth.

I’m concerned about what could happen to my children or even myself if there were unwanted pregnancies from rape or complications with wanted pregnancies. So many news articles discuss doctors unable to perform necessary procedures to save a mother’s life during ectopic or miscarriage.

In August 2022, a pregnant Missouri woman named Mylissa Farmer suddenly needed an abortion, just over a month after her state enacted its near-total abortion ban. Her water had broken 17 weeks into her pregnancy, and her medical records indicated a number of health factors placing her at greater risk of pregnancy-related complications, including increased risk of sepsis, loss of her uterus, and even death. Farmer is also 41-years-old. Doctors treating her recommended an abortion, but, of course, couldn’t provide her one under state law. Source: Jezebel

When one side of the “discussion” decides that the other side is murdering babies, there isn’t a discussion anymore – there’s a war.

I don’t want to hear your arguments for overturning Roe v. Wade. I don’t want to hear your pro-life praise.

At six weeks, it is “cardiac activity” (no organ has formed) in an embryo that is smaller than a grain of rice. It is not a “fetal heartbeat.”

Most of us love life and babies. Babies are a miracle. I do NOT support forcing pregnancy or childbirth on anyone who doesn’t want it.

Forcing sterilization on anyone is eugenics.

Pro-Life?

The pro-forced birthers are really good at marketing.

Pro-life is a misnomer. It’s simple politics. Pro-lifers only care about white men who are valuable to the capitalist machine. Children, disabled, poor people…these are not valuable. Women are not valuable. People of color are not valuable; they are seen as a threat.

I’ve seen hundreds of tweets about telling women to stop having sex if they don’t want to get pregnant but I’ve seen few calls for men to become celibate or sterile. It will never cease to amaze me how little men are blamed for getting someone pregnant. This is about control and patriarchy.

Men don’t suffer in childbirth; there is no risk involved for men. So many mothers forced into motherhood and risking their lives to give birth. Where will all the unwanted babies go? We already have overwhelming numbers of children in foster care.

My eldest and I have Mirena IUDs, supposedly to regulate and reduce our periods, which doesn’t always work.

My husband had a vasectomy after our fourth child (a boy) was born, and no one asked for my consent!

I’ve read some politicians are wanting to limit contraceptive devices. This is a frightening misuse of power that will endanger so many lives.

Some states are enacting obscenity laws about gendered clothing, or rules for girls playing sports that require menstruation tracking.

Anyone can have an opinion. Your opinion should only govern you. Celebrating policy that revokes the rights of millions is not an opinion; it’s bad politics. No one cares about your opinion. It’s your politics that’s a problem.

Women in Pain

It is ridiculous that I tell my kids to exaggerate and I also have to exaggerate my symptoms or pain levels to be taken seriously. I have often sent my kids to the ER or a regular doctor appointment with my husband, their father, to ensure they receive better care. I often have my husband accompany me to appointments like I am an inept child because I have received poor care in the past and the medical professionals will often talk to him about me like I’m not even in the room.

Also, women should be able to be sedated during IUD explant and implantation. It’s a very painful procedure, even after childbirth. The medical community doesn’t care about women’s discomfort. We can get more help from dentists for procedures than we can for procedures involving women’s parts.

Women can’t get labs when we want to know why we have symptoms. See this thread.

I know I have been dismissed many times when suffering from “women’s problems.” I suffered for years with incontinence and fibroids. I have seen the other women in my family suffer with urinary and gyno issues and receive no care.

Out of desperation, women turn to dangerous supplements and herbs, trying to relieve pain and discomfort and symptoms.

There is no such thing as hormonal balance and no herb/plant can change hormone levels.

Dr. Jennifer Gunter

Women can’t request sterilization. So many doctors refuse elective procedures like tubal ligations or hysterectomies during child-bearing years. These doctors require waiting periods, spousal consent, and other demeaning concepts (like questioning “what if something happens to your living children?” or “what if you change your mind?” or “surely you want to try for another child of the other gender?”) because women do not have bodily autonomy.

Also, insurance often does not cover elective or preventive procedures like pelvic floor therapy.

A little over a year ago, I had surgery to remove two uterine fibroids. They really wanted to just remove all my parts because that’s easier for the doctors. I am mid-40s and it’s a military hospital. The language was so demeaning. There was no follow-up or recovery care.

Rape Culture

Not enough people are talking about consent and rape culture. We need to teach all genders consent from a very early age, practicing with babies even! We need to change how we view bodies and autonomy. Most of us were taught sex ed from a high school sports coach and that’s tragic.

I constantly see articles in the news and on social media protecting abusers and hushing victims of abuse and assault. The pastors are transferred to another church and the women are told to keep quiet, pray more, forgive. Comedians are not really cancelled and are selling out auditoriums while the abused women are silenced and suffer. The #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements did some to help, but it’s not enough and there are still rape apologists who make the road harder.

And for the people who claim they would never get an abortion, great! But you don’t get to decide for everyone. You never know the circumstances and decisions others must make for themselves.

Also, period products should be FREE.

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Consent

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Teaching consent to our kids is one of the most important lessons.

We should begin practicing and teaching consent with babies, but it’s never too late.

Gentle and respectful parenting is about consent and respecting kids as the people they are – with needs, preferences, and desires just like adults.

Even though I had little autonomy as a child, teen, or even young adult, I want to do better with my kids and model and teach them consent in all their relationships.

I didn’t do the greatest as a gentle parent until about ten years ago, so my eldest got the brunt of my outgrowing my own childishness and trauma. My middle two kids don’t have much memory of the bad times and my youngest is the healthiest by far.

Consent and control cannot coexist.

I find myself constantly reevaluating how I can show respect to my children.

I have edited and updated my blog and social media to exclude photos and stories about my children than they would rather I not share. I don’t post photos of my kids without their consent anymore. I do not share explicit stories about my kids’ troubles or our family troubles without clearing it with my family first. Yes, I think some info is helpful to others who may face the same issues, but it’s a touchy subject and I should use discretion.

Kids are not a hashtag nor should they be exploited online for clicks, likes, clout.

What does teaching and modeling consent look like?

Pets

Having pets or access to pets is a great way to model and teach consent. Animals surely let us know when they are done with us or don’t like something.

We teach even our youngest kids how to gently pet the cat, to be quiet and less sudden so as not to scare the cat. Kids learn about pets’ eating and bathroom habits and how to leave them alone to do that. This is easily transferrable to people and respecting their space.

Some pets are more anxious than others and it’s important not to leave very young kids alone with animals, even if you think you know them well.

Infants

Since infants don’t have any autonomy and can only make eye contact and sounds, it’s important to speak to our babies and narrate what we are doing to their bodies so they can begin to understand that we care for them with love and respect.

We can gently tell our babies that we are picking them up so they associate the words with the action. We can inform them that it is time for a diaper change. We can explain that we need to gently wipe nose, mouth, face. We can make it a game to undress or dress for bathtime or changing time as we talk about body parts that we tuck into sleeves or massage with oils.

Toddlers

This is probably a difficult time but oh, so important to model and discuss consent.

Toddlers learn and love the word, “No!” and use it often. It’s very upsetting to buckle a child into a carseat when she doesn’t want to do that.

We teach that NO is never a game. No means NO. We stop tickling or wrestling or playing and we teach new ways to play games like Freeze Tag or Red Light Green Light without making No a game or funny word.

Many times, the toddler doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing to get the diaper changed. We have to give firm choices of only two options like, now or after this song. We can explain that it’s important for health and everyone’s happiness that carseats are always used and diapers are changed. We as adults might need to be more flexible and allow more time or change of plans if the child is unwilling or needs to wait.

Kids know if they’re hot or cold and it’s wise to take extra clothing along just in case. And they will often realize they need that coat or hat after all in a few minutes. Children know when they’re hungry so it’s wise not to coax them to eat more and not listen to their bodies. When they get sleepy, it’s often needed to be patient and close by with young kids who are learning how to self-soothe. We can give kids agency by offering choices like what story to read at bedtime or what snack to have.

Much of consent with toddlers is teaching the concepts of body, space, and touch. Also, showing empathy to kids and modeling emotional intelligence instead of distracting from healthy emotions, even if we as a society view those feelings as negative or uncomfortable. When a child falls or gets hurt, we can express that we understand. We are here. We permit the tears so they can move on from the pain, whether physical or embarrassment or both.

Elementary

Once kids reach school age, it’s easier to communicate and impart another’s viewpoint. Kids are naturally empathetic and want to please.

Kids need to learn the difference between secrets and surprises. We have to model and teach safety to young kids so they know there should be no secrets. Teaching kids blind obedience opens up ways for abuse if they have no outlet to question or negotiate. Bodies are our own and we don’t owe anyone hugs, kisses, fist bumps, handshakes, or any contact at all. As parents, we must protect our kids from overreaching family members and friends who do not understand this.

Kids learn personal space and respect by seeing it modeled by the adults they trust. Teaching boundaries is essential. Learning about tone of voice and body language becomes important.

I speak firmly and clearly to my kids when I need a moment and they learn that I am nearby and they are safe. They learn that people have needs to be alone or together, quiet or loud, at different times.

Interruptions are harsh for kids, so it’s wise to give warnings about cleaning up and getting ready a few minutes beforehand. I also like to help my kids with overwhelming chores so they don’t feel so lost and get discouraged.

Tweens

Please do not wait until kids are over ten to discuss sex ed. This should be an ongoing conversation and surely kids are curious about some aspects as young as toddlers and preschoolers. If you have triggers or hangups about sex, you need to work to overcome that so you can discuss the hard topics with your kids.

Consent is so much more than just about sex.

Even if the concept of consent is newer to you or you didn’t model it so well with the kids when they were younger, you can make up for the lost time and start anew.

I’m learning and growing alongside my kids and reading, reading, reading so much as preview and with my kids now.

It’s important to be open to messy conversations about relationships, dating, and sex. It’s certainly time to discuss sexual harassment and assault. We need to discuss substance use and abuse and its role in consent.

We can practice responses about boundaries so kids have an internal script.

We watch shows together that often have cringey scenes and we discuss why and what should be different. They don’t really like to see violence or sex on screen and I try to brace them if the show is still good enough and only has a few scenes that forward the story line.

Teens

It’s go time.

Everything we have done as parents is now being tested out in the real world. We cannot be there as a protective parent all the time anymore, and that is oh, so scary.

Teens are exploring and navigating relationships outside the family, with friends and potential significant others.

It’s important that we as parents stand by as guides and not judges. By building trust, we are here to help our teens work out issues in their relationships and help them make wise decisions.

Consent isn’t just for straight boys. We need to help our kids understand the importance of consent in all their interactions and relationships. It’s about more than just sex.

We need to have hard conversations with our kids and if sex cannot be discussed with proper words for body parts and functions, then no one should be doing it.

There needs to be clear verbal consent each and every time there is any intimacy.

It might be a good time for self-defense classes.

Adults

The human brain isn’t fully developed until about age 25.

Hopefully, young adults grow in wisdom and respect and model healthy relationships to those around them.

With so many different kinds of relationships being acceptable, it’s super important to be clear with consent and boundaries.

I’m still modeling consent and having conversations with my eldest child who is about to turn 21.

I’m rather glad I don’t have to navigate the dating scene anymore and I’m worried for my four kids and what they may encounter and how they can handle it.

As parents, we need to protect young ones from overreaching adults – family members, friends, and acquaintances who may overstep and demand contact that our kids aren’t interested or ready for. Our kids don’t owe anyone access to their bodies – not grandpa, grandma, aunts, uncles, or the elderly at church.

I’ve found myself becoming hyper-aware of adults invading kids’ space. Why did the eye doctor have to lean on my child’s knee to adjust the equipment or touch my son’s shirt in jest to make his inappropriate joke? I also notice when adults are very respectful and I make sure to thank them.

It’s important to set boundaries and continue to communicate clearly about needs.

Hopefully, we can help the next generations do even better with consent.

7 Ways to Teach YOUR children Consent without mentioning SEX by Lolo Cynthia.

  1. Teach Your Children To Say NO
  2. Respect Your Children’s NO
  3. Teach Your Children To ALWAYS ask for permission
  4. Get A Strong Positive Male Figure For Boy Children
  5. Teach Kids Not To Move People Out Of the Way With Their Hands
  6. Teach Kids Not To Give Out People’s Personal Information Without Permission
  7. Make every moment a teachable moment.

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People misusing and abusing the word “grooming” are “creating confusion about what ‘grooming’ and child abuse actually entails, and when there’s confusion, it’s harder for adults to notice actual abuse and harder for kids to report.”

What does consent look like in your family?

Linking up: House on Silverado, Pinch of Joy, Eclectic Red Barn, Grammy’s Grid, Random Musings, Suburbia, Stroll Thru Life, Shelbee on the Edge, Across the Blvd, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, OMHG, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Create with Joy, Thistle Key Lane, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap, Ducks in a Row, Anchored Abode, InstaEncouragements, Penny’s Passion, Eclectic Red Barn, Ridge Haven, Slices of Life, Try it Like it, Soaring with Him, Answer is Choco, Imparting Grace, Busy Being Jennifer, Being a Wordsmith, Pieced Pastimes, Momfessionals, Mostly Blogging,

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Teaching Sex Ed

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We are born trusting our bodies and our instincts for what our bodies need.

For most of us, something interrupted that trust long before puberty.

We can’t just allow our kids to grow almost all the way up and then one day realize they are sexual beings and break out some library books to teach them what goes where, the end, amen.

Like my mom did.

She just called me into the dining room and there sat a stack of library books and she said, “have at it” and left me there to look through them.

I don’t remember being able to ask any questions.

I found The Joy of Sex on my bachelor uncle’s bookshelf when I was a preteen. He never censored my reading.

I remember reading one of my mom’s magazines on the living room floor, probably Glamour, when I was about 12 and asking my dad what is an orgasm? He yelled at me, “What the hell are you reading?” and he never answered my question. I felt like I was in trouble. The dictionary definition didn’t help me. There was no internet in 1988. I couldn’t ask my equally ignorant friends or acquaintances at school.

While I understood the biology of puberty and even the mechanics of sex and procreation, it was still a shock when I got my first period.

I was 12, one month shy of my thirteenth birthday. My father was tickling me and we were wrestling around on the floor. Suddenly, he sat up, and told me through clenched teeth to go to my mother. I didn’t know what I had done wrong, why I was in trouble for nothing.

Through some unknown communication, my mother somehow knew and took me to the bathroom and bathed me like I was a toddler. I was stunned, speechless, and helpless. I looked like a skinny ten-year-old. I had no breasts, but had developed public hair the last year. Nothing seemed textbook. The memory is a huge embarrassment to me.

I still wonder where my breasts went. I only grew during pregnancy and nursing and then they went back to flat nippled pancakes. I couldn’t find any clothing that fit or looked right.

I was another disappointment to my mother that I never looked like her in all her mesomorph glamorous hourglass glory.

I had to use my mother’s sanitary products. I didn’t get to go to the store to choose a variety to try or discover for myself what worked best or was more comfortable for me. I wasn’t allowed to wear tampons. Those weren’t for virgins. I eventually began wearing tampons when I was about 16. I was also no longer a virgin then.

My father discovered condoms in my purse when I was 18. Why was he going through my purse in the first place? He stormed into my bathroom when I was getting out of the bath. I never had any privacy. I stood there dripping, trying to cover myself with a towel while he berated me, lectured me, yelled at me.

I couldn’t think quick enough. I could’ve lied that they were leftovers from when we had handed them to the principal during high school graduation, which was true.

The scenario dissolved into my parents forbidding me to see my boyfriend anymore. They told me I could leave with the clothes on my back if I didn’t like. I prepared to leave. I was already a sophomore in college with a part-time job. But I had nowhere else to go, nowhere to live. No family or friends would take me in. My boyfriend’s parents wouldn’t intervene to let me live there. The best they could offer was maybe I could move in with his sister, a single mom. It wasn’t appealing to me.

I was lost and alone and on the cusp of adulthood, with my parents treating me like a juvenile delinquent.

The relationship never improved.

I snuck around for months with my boyfriend only to break up with him in an ugly immature way because of the stress.

It ruined many future relationships for me. I didn’t know how to have healthy relationships. I was in my early twenties, living at home and going to college, having to pretend I was an adult while having to sneak around with friends, dates, boyfriends.

I want to help my children grow up more healthy than I did.

Children need mentors instead of gatekeepers.

We have to start the conversation about sexual health when children are very young, with those first innocent and precious, maybe uncomfortable for us, questions.

Where do babies come from?

How are boys and girls different?

What are those bugs or animals doing together?

Talking about sexual health with the children in your world encompasses many topics, not just sex, puberty and reproduction. The exciting part is that we generally have about 18 years to roll it all out. Starting early, approaching subjects gradually using age-appropriate language throughout their development, makes it a lot less overwhelming or awkward than trying to cram it into one talk.

Sex Positive Families

We need to answer honestly, but not overwhelmingly, according to the child’s age and ability.

I think it’s best to avoid cartoons, fruit, cutesy birds and bees analogies.

I often panicked and overtalked when my son wanted a very simple answer.

It’s best to keep it simple and teach the proper names for all body parts for both male and female to our sons and daughters.

Maybe we should stop projecting our own sexual hangups onto others. My parents and The Church didn’t give useful or healthy advice.

And stop sexualizing children and teens. Stop assuming, joking, encouraging, or asking kids about romantic relationships. They’re children.

Comprehensive sex education gives kids & teens the resources to make the healthiest decisions for themselves. This isn’t radical; it’s ethical.

Eric Sprankle, Psy.D.

Sexual health is more than sex.

Comprehensive Sex Education:

  • Human Development (including reproduction, puberty, sexual orientation, and gender identity)
  • Relationships (including families, friendships, romantic relationships and dating)
  • Personal Skills (including communication, negotiation, and decision-making)
  • Sexual Behavior (including abstinence and sexuality throughout life)
  • Sexual Health (including sexually transmitted diseases, contraception, and pregnancy)
  • Society and Culture (including gender roles, diversity, and sexuality in the media)

Teaching human development seems like the easy part! It’s science. It is unemotional. This goes here and this happens and sometimes there is procreation. This is neutral ground.

Relationships are a bit more difficult as we are almost all still dealing with our own issues and navigating through them. It’s important that kids and teens know what a healthy relationship looks like, especially since I am still learning how to do this myself.

We all are still learning personal skills and how to get along well.

As far as behavior, health, and culture, that’s where things tend to get more difficult!

We cannot just focus on abstinence and STIs and call it a day. When generations of people fear sex and think it’s all bad and struggle with healthy relationships, we have to change something.

I have witnessed some disturbing acts this past year.

On two separate occasions, with two different families, parents teased their children and laughed at their cries of “No!” and “Stop!” The two incidents took place while I was a spectator at my son’s baseball games.

One father squirted a water bottle onto his tween daughter and the mother, father, extended family all admonished her for saying, “Stop!” and she cried while they continued to make fun of her and got her shirt all wet.

The other incident, a mother squirted her baseball player son with a water bottle – a little too much in the face, trying to clean out his sandy eyes. He started crying and getting angry and she ridiculed him and told him he was fine, but then proceeded to empty the water bottle onto his head and he got rather hysterical at that invasion. She continued to laugh at him and other parents chuckled at the scene.

I was horrified. These kids are learning that consent doesn’t matter. They are learning they are not safe. They are learning their parents won’t believe them nor do their feelings matter. They are learning that “no” or “stop” don’t mean anything. And they might do things to others and wonder why it’s not ok.

Teaching Consent

Consent through Fear, Guilt, Pestering, Begging, Pleading is not Consent.

Teaching about autonomy and consent should begin when children are babies. It has nothing to do with sex.

Children should have bodily autonomy.

Kids can and should choose what and when to eat, clothing, when to sleep, and how to control their bodies, including touch.

Kids should learn at a young age that they can make their own decisions based on their bodies needs and desires. I assist, coach, and guide them to make healthier decisions. Sometimes, it’s inconvenient for me. (We compromise on meals and sleep schedules. Our family has privilege and freedom with this.)

Model asking permission before touching kids or their belongings and teach them to do the same with others.

Ask permission before picking up, tickling, or engaging in any activity that involves touching a person or their possessions.

Teach kids their bodies are their own. They don’t have to touch, kiss, hug, or high five relatives or friends or anyone.

Teach kids to ask before hugging their siblings or friends and other adults.

Practice asking teens and other adults if it’s a good time for conversation. Show respect for space.

Teach kids and teens not to give out personal information in person or online.

We have to talk about harassment, assault, and rape.

We have to end these ridiculous attitudes about sexual violence.

I don’t want to know his swim scores. I don’t care what she was wearing. I don’t care if she did drugs or how much she had to drink. I don’t care if they had sex before. I don’t care if they were watching porn.

No means no.

Kids have the right to say no and we as parents must accept their no. If and when a situation arises when we must compromise, we have to do so respectfully and lovingly. Connected parents who are not controlling are more likely to have children willing to cooperate and desiring to find solutions that makes everyone happy.

I’ve had the hard conversations with my three daughters about not wearing this or that, about not running, skating, biking, hiking alone. They must constantly be vigilant and aware of their surroundings and who might pose a threat. I warn them about not accepting a drink from anyone or setting food or drink down and coming back to it. I constantly remind my daughters to take up space. I want to believe all women because I think all of us has experienced sexual assault at some point, even if we don’t want to admit it or be really honest about it.

We have to also talk to our sons about respecting all people all the time. We have to discuss his privilege to go anywhere he likes and how he might seem threatening just by his size and strength compared to women. I teach my son to make room for others. I try to calmly point out to my husband and son when they use inappropriate or questionable language, gestures, or block a space with their physical presence.

According to male rape myths, boys and men cannot be sexually abused. The truth is, the figure is staggering. 

If we don’t have these constant conversations, then sexual assault will continue and be more and more accepted in our society.

Anyone can be a victim and it is never his or her fault, no matter the clothing choices, or being alone, or being under the influence of a substance.

Sex is rarely about just sex.

When teens and young adults begin dating, sex is bound to become an issue or a topic of conversation. This is normal and natural. How we react as parents is of paramount importance.

The images of dads with guns and interviews and applications to date their daughters is disturbing. Girls are not property to be sold or bought or even protected like she is fragile.

Boys are not all predators only “out for one thing” as media and society would tell us. “Boys will be boys” and they can’t control themselves, we are taught by almost everyone, and especially by The Church.

Sexual harassment and inappropriate jokes aren’t funny.

Intimacy is not about sex. Intimacy is about TRUTH. When you trust someone, when you can tell someone your truth, when you show your real self to someone, when you can stand in front of someone and their response is: “You are safe with me.” THAT is intimacy.

Happy teens with healthy family relationships seldom rush into early sexual relationships with other dysfunctional partners.

It’s almost considered a normal rite of passage for teens to engage in sexual acts. I remember being curious what all the fuss was about when I was a teenager. Then at 16, I was pretty disappointed and society sure labels the girls and boys differently.

I certainly don’t have a healthy sexual history. I want more for my kids.

I’ve asked myself many times to quell my anxiety and do some soul searching:

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

  • What if my daughter gets pregnant?
  • What if my son gets a girl pregnant?
  • What if my child gets an STI?
  • What if my daughter gets assaulted or raped?
  • What if my son harasses, assaults, or rapes?
  • What if my child is nonbinary or LGBTQ+?

I want my kids to know what contraceptives are and what are the risks and how they can be obtained and used. I don’t want them ignorant or afraid. I hope and pray that they come to me if or when something happens that could be life-changing or life-threatening.

Unfortunately, we still live in a society with a government that wants to dictate what happens to a woman’s body.

Most of these questions concern most parents. Of course we have big emotions if these things happen. No one wishes for a teen pregnancy, violence, or the ostracization that comes from an alternative lifestyle.

I hope that I have the right reactions and love to help my child through anything.

Sometimes [sex] is about a hunger to be desired. It may be an escape from boredom or loneliness. It may also be a way of staking territory or claiming a possession, or may serve as an attempt to lock into an exclusive relationship with another. Sex can be a powerful symbol of status and recognition. It can be about scoring or about belonging or fitting in or clinging and holding on. It may be about dominance or submission or may function to please someone. Sex, in some cases, reflects a lack of boundaries and an inability to say no. It can, of course, express love, heartfelt passion, and true intimacy. Nearly always, in one form or another, sex is about attachment. In the lives of our adolescents it is, most often, an expression of unfulfilled attachment needs.

Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, MD

It’s important for people to realize that sex should feel good. We are so enamored of sin and purity in American culture and history that it’s easy to push an agenda that sex is bad, wrong, dirty, or sinful.

There is no “switch” to turn on when a person walks down the aisle into a marriage and sex is suddenly considered ok by society, especially religious people. We are doing young people a huge disservice when we teach that sex is bad.

To those struggling with “sexual sin” (e.g., masturbation, same sex attraction), just know that it’s the person who taught you about sin that is causing the struggle, not your sexuality.

Eric Sprankle, PsyD

As a Christian, I started off with the biblical curriculum that seems to be pretty approved across the evangelical board. Most of it is ok. It also misses many marks that affect our society.

Do I want gaps in my kids’ education? Of course not. Do I want my kids learning from their friends, the media, Netflix shows, Hollywood? Not without an open conversation, a safe space where they can ask me questions, and discuss difficult topics with me.

I want my kids and teens and young adults to be able to ask me the hard questions, even if it makes me uncomfortable, even if I don’t know the best answer. We can discuss it and discover the best course of action or philosophy together.

The body is much sinned against, even in a religion based on the Incarnation. Religion has often presented the body as the source of evil, ambiguity, lust, and seduction. This is utterly false and irreverent. The body is sacred.

John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

Pornography is not real life.

Sexual media is fantasy. Kids and teens are exposed to a lot of fake bodies and abusive sexual and relationship circumstances in the media.

It’s important to talk about these issues with kids and teens before we realize they’re viewing porn online, on smartphones, or with their friends.

Internet and social media makes everything instantly accessible. It doesn’t seem to matter if there are parental controls on devices. If kids are curious, they will find a way.

We have to discuss the dangers of pornography and its exploitation of males and females. We have to talk about sexting before we discover photos of underage teens on devices.

I am blessed that my nineteen year old daughter feels safe to be open with me about her life. I don’t have to agree, but it is her life and her body. I can only guide her and tell her about my past and help her make good choices for herself.

Many people regardless of faith or background feel fear or even disgust regarding many sexual topics. It’s important to move past issues that are uncomfortable for me. That means that I have to learn about things that I never knew before.

Sex is about pleasure. It should never be degrading or demeaning or humiliating.

We have to talk about gender.

If our teen speaks up about sex, sexuality, or gender…listen, love, and be humble.

The concepts of gender and sexual orientation are awkward for many of us whether we grew up in religious homes or not. Gender fluidity wasn’t acceptable until recently. We are still working out LGBTQ+ equality in our society.

For people who cannot accept gender or sexual differences other than binary cishet, please ask yourself why and don’t just wrongly quote religious texts to justify your hatred and intolerance.

I want to be respectful of everyone. I am learning how to do this.

I had students who were abused because their Christian parents couldn’t accept who they are.

The discovery of one’s sexual preference doesn’t have to be a trauma. It’s a trauma because it’s such a traumatized society.

James Baldwin 

When I was in college, I didn’t know sexual slang or anything about pornography. I was sheltered and naïve.

As a student and even after I graduated, I was the butt of many jokes from classmates, partners, and then from my high school students during my first few years of teaching.

I don’t want my kids to feel shame because they don’t know something that everyone else seems to know.

A couple books that really helped me as a parent heal from all the lies our society teaches about sex:

The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski

Sex is a difficult topic for many parents. We just have to do better.

I’ve written about sex ed before and my philosophy is evolving as my kids grow up and I learn how to parent better.

Book List

Maybe preview so you’re prepared before you read these to your kids or hand them to your kids to read.

Resources

These books and resources can be a great education for those of us with gaps and questions. We should want to do better and have a more open, trusting relationship with our children than we perhaps did with our parents. I’ve read and watched a lot of it with my own teens so we can discuss the concepts, issues, and scenes.

When young people are not informed early that their bodies can be a safe place for them to get to know, to explore, and that it can be pleasurable to do so… or when they’re taught about sex only from a reproductive standpoint without discussion of pleasure, we do not adequately prepare them with the necessary awareness, language and interpersonal skills that best ensure their safety and satisfaction within sexual experiences.
An attempt to deny or dismiss pleasure contributes to higher incidences of “consenting” to sex when it isn’t truly desired; being less aware of the non-verbal cues and unique needs of partners; faking orgasms; and, not being aware of and confident within one’s own body.
When young people are ill-informed and under-prepared, they cannot make informed choices.
Sex education discussions must be shame-free, must include the nuances of pleasure and must be early and ongoing to truly make a meaningful impact.
Ideally, children live long enough to grow into adults. Let’s do our part to prepare them for safer, mutually satisfying sexual experiences when they get there.

When we erase pleasure from sexual health talks with young people, we fail to fully prepare them for safer, mutually satisfying experiences into adulthood.

Sex Positive Families

Our conversations about sex must evolve if we want society to be healthy.

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Making Sense of It Book Review

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Making Sense of “It” by Alison Macklin is a new guide to help you navigate sex ed with your kids.

Sex is an uncomfortable topic for many and this book offers a great outline of what and how to discuss various topics surrounding sexuality with our children.

My Review

I learned about sex in school. The very basics with a little film strip in 5th grade. And health class in 9th grade—anatomy, STIs, and pregnancy – from the football coach!

Our kids have lots of questions about sex.

It’s up to me as a parent to be available to answer questions and even initiate a conversation about sex.

What about masturbation? Is it ok to have sexual fantasies? What about kissing, blowjobs, or taking The Pill? If you touch someone’s penis, can you get pregnant? If you douche after sex, you won’t get pregnant…right? Is porn ever ok?

Making Sense of “It” goes beyond the basics of the birds and the bees to give teens a realistic, no-holds barred, nonjudgmental guide on everything having to do with sex and sexuality. With this book, teens can learn about “it” all from the best contraception methods to what to expect at a clinic, even to the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

In a world where teens are bombarded with bad information on social media, are meant to feel ashamed of something so natural, Making Sense of “It” counters that with trustworthy, gender-neutral advice on how to be safe, informed, and honest about “it.”

I want my kids to have healthy relationships and that includes a healthy sexuality. We don’t buy into the evangelical purity movement. I want my kids to have real information and I have to feel comfortable talking about it and answering the hard questions. If I don’t help my kids navigate through these waters, they will Google it, ask their peers, or find the information they seek somewhere and it might not be the best answer.

This book may not be for everyone but these topics come up more and more – on social media, in classrooms, at college, in youth group, Sunday school, the playground. I want my kids to have a good, healthy foundation about their personal values before they are bombarded with uncomfortable circumstances.

I like the conversation starters at the end of each chapter. They can be used as an outright script, or as a journaling activity, or as a casual conversation.

The introduction is entitled “Dear Teen” and it is perfect.

Nineteen chapters cover most sexual topics in this 2018 climate. The last chapter offers resources for more info.

I feel this is a book that should be introduced to tweens and revisited often with teens by parents, keeping an open conversation throughout the growing years.

It’s important to discuss healthy relationships when so few of my generation had a model or knows how.

About the Book

  • Go-to introductory resource on sex ed for teens, college students, parents, educators, social workers, and health professionals.
  • Can be read separately or together as a family to meet everyone’s different needs.
  • Includes helpful sections specifically written for parents and teens to help break the ice and foster mutual understanding.
  • Conversation starters (a list of suggested questions for teens and parents) accompany each chapter to keep the conversation going and to foster connections on a more meaningful level.
  • Includes “fun facts” throughout the book that delve more deeply into certain topics like average penis sizes, female ejaculation, and the need for regular STI screenings.
  • Covers many different topics not often covered in health class/sex ed:
    • the human brain in relation to sex and puberty,
    • defining sexuality,
    • the need for human touch,
    • sexual identity and orientation,
    • gender roles,
    • feeling horny,
    • various levels of “risk” in sexual behaviors, and
    • signs of healthy and negative relationships.
  • Also touches upon more progressive and sex-positive topics like:
    • consent culture,
    • sex toys, fetishes, and fantasies,
    • pornography,
    • choosing when to become sexually active,
    • tactics to improve communication with sexual (current or potential) partners,
    • how to get help and be an active bystander when witnessing sexual harassment and assault, and
    • abortion.

About the Author

Alison Macklin has been with the Responsible Sex Education Institute at the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains (PPRM) for over fourteen years and is currently Vice President of Education and Innovation. Macklin is an award-winning, nationally recognized leader in sex education and holds a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Denver. She is a mother of two who lives in Colorado.

Praise for the Book

“Kudos to Alison Macklin for creating a book to help parents and teens talk more honestly and frequently about sex and sexuality. This fun, up to date, accurate, and easy-to-understand guide will help families to connect more about these absolutely critical issues.”
— Leslie M. Kantor, PhD, MPH, Vice President, Education, Planned Parenthood Federation of America

“Making Sense if ‘It’ is the Our Bodies, Our Selves for today: comprehensive, unbiased, medically accurate, and respectful. This should be on the bookshelf and nightstand of every household so that caregivers and youth alike can read it, discuss it, and learn from it.”
— Pat Paluzzi, DrPH, CNM, President and CEO Healthy Teen Network

“This book is a must read for all teenagers and parents of teens, about a subject that is often hard to talk about: sex. Author Alison Macklin gives great, practical, actionable advice on how to keep communication open and honest.”
— Jason Woods MD, Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, creator of Little Patients, Big Medicine

“I loved it! Alison Macklin offers teen readers honest, engaging, and at times humorous information about puberty, sex and sexuality. The book is chock-full of useful suggestions for parents as well, providing tips to start conversations with their teens and keep the lines of communication open during the sometimes bumpy road through puberty and adolescence.”
— Debra Hauser, President of Advocates for Youth

“This book provides excellent information about sexual health and important advice for staying healthy and having good relationships. The overview of sex and sexuality will be extremely useful for teens and parents alike.”
— Connie Newman, MD Adjunct Professor of Medicine, New York University School of Medicine, and President 2018-2019 American Medical Women’s Association

“In this rapidly changing world of sexuality, gender and relationships Alison Macklin’s new book is just the resource teens need be ready for the wonderful world of sex and relationships. With her smarts, experience, and guidance, teens of all genders and orientations will get just what they need to make great choices.”
— Amy Lang, MA, founder Birds & Bees & Kids and author, Dating Smarts – What Every Teen Needs to Date, Relate or Wait!

Book Trailer:

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In the Middle

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What to do with that middle schooler…junior high girl…lost child… between childhood and adulthood?

Our society pushes these girls to grow up way too soon. We see the shocking scenes in the media that many in our society deem “normal.”

Young girls mimic this media and some are desensitized while others think it’s nothing to worry about.

And we still have the “boys will be boys” mentality in our western society.

There’s a double standard.

I say that it’s not normal and there’s no such thing as this Western adolescent mentality – other than the biological changes. And I’ve got an oil for that.

Why shouldn’t she still be that same sweet little girl who holds your hand while shopping and tells you her dreams before bed? Our society says that it’s acceptable and expected for tweens and teens to be belligerent and defiant. Why? It’s just another lie from the devil that divides families. And it’s starting younger and younger.

When I was a girl, we went from child to junior to adult clothing. There were no tween lines of clothing in stores encouraging girls to look older than they are. We should not have little girls wearing makeup and high heels and leather and making “come hither” looks at boys. It used to be just certain high-end clothing catalogs, but I’ve seen it recently in department store Sunday ad inserts. I’ve seen little girls in church wearing stripper clothes. It’s getting closer and closer to what everyone considers “normal.” My husband is disturbed by seeing girls when he can’t tell if they’re 12 or 25 in age. I wonder what high school and college boys think!

What will my son think?

What does Jesus think?

It’s about more than modesty.

Do we want our daughters to be sex symbols or admired for their minds, hearts, souls?

I often have to shop in the boys’ department for my daughters. They like to be comfortable and covered up. They don’t like the low waist super skinny jeans and short shorts. They don’t like leggings as pants. They like the wider longer cut of the Tshirts in the boys’ dept.

Even in the Christian world, we compromise values to fit in with the world. Society says to protect with vaccinations against STD’s and with contraceptive devices instead of discipling and educating in the Word. The devil and the world want us to think that’s it’s hopeless for anyone to wait until marriage to have sex.

And it’s not just about the act of sex. It’s about the intimacy, the tearing apart of a soul who is too young to understand what she’s doing to herself, what regrets she will have later.

God spoke to me recently through this song The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.

When I researched it, the video (while inappropriate for kids) is quite powerful about peer pressure.

So, what did God say to me?

I’m so glad you asked.

That gorgeous girl in the video with the cross necklace represents compromised Christians. These kids are lost. Their faith isn’t strong enough; their foundation is shaky; they are weak; they have no good Christian role models. They struggle with living in the world and can’t stand strong against the pressures to fit in.

…for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me… ~2 Timothy 4:10a

I knew girls like that when I was in school. I didn’t understand it, but I knew I wanted no part of it. Those “Sunday Christians” didn’t appeal to me, but I didn’t know why yet. They have that appearance of being Christian, but they go the way of the world.

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? ~Matthew 16:26

God had His finger on me, but it was many years before I knew it.

Those two kids who almost compromise? They realize their potential mistake just in time and support one another. They have the victory.

I pray that our children can fight the temptations of this world and have the victory.

It begins at home with fervent prayer as parents.

I recently met a kindred spirit in an Air Force chaplain’s wife. Jean told me they have three wonderful children whom they successfully raised for the Lord. They just dropped off their youngest, a son, at his freshman dorm to begin college. They are officially empty nesters. Their daughters, aged 25 and 23, are still virgins and are engaged to be married (or so close they can taste it) to wonderful Christian young men. Praise God for that testimony as a mama!

It is possible! I pray that I have that kind of success raising my children to further the Kingdom of God.

Who do you want teaching your kids about sex?

Culture? School? Lady Gaga? Miley Cyrus? Their friends? Do you trust your church to teach them?

Or you as a parent?

I know which I choose.

Yes, it’s hard!

I choose to teach my children about relationships.

Is it time for THE TALK?

Having THE TALK.

We don’t teach PURITY.

I actively teach my young son to respect me, his sisters, and all other females. It’s not enough to wait until he’s a teen and has been influenced by so many others.

Resources for Discipling Daughters:

“Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you…”

Be strong.

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Christian Sexuality and Relationships Review

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Most Christian parents I know today feel a bit like pioneers.

Younger Generation X parents or older Millennial parents came of age in the 1990s, a decade of grunge fashion, MTV reality shows, and the birth of the World Wide Web.

Many of our parents didn’t know how to help us navigate the sexual messages rife in our culture—so they stayed silent.

Many Christian parents today know they can’t be silent. They have to speak about how to steward sexual urges and desires. But how?

If you have a child who is a tween or teen, you know their bodies are preparing them for adulthood (and with that, sex), but their minds are still struggling to be free from childish ways of thinking.

3 most common mistakes parents make…

1. Telling their pre-teens or teens not to think about sex. This is the exact opposite of what they should do.

2. Stressing only the power of sex, not its goodness. The Bible stresses both.

3. Emphasizing “purity,” which stresses the absence of sexual sin, but not talking about what to pursue instead.

Check out this article: What We Wish Our Parents Would Have Taught Us About Sex as Teens.

Relationships: 11 Lessons to Give Kids a Greater Understanding of Biblical Sexuality

Relationships is a book geared towards kids 11 years old and up.

Lessons include:

▪ How to guard the heart from sexual and relational temptations
▪ How to guard the eyes from tempting sexual media and images
▪ How to handle peer pressure
▪ Why sexual holiness is more than just the absence of sexual sin
▪ Hot button issues like homosexuality, pornography, and masturbation
▪ How to pursue godly opposite sex friendships—in a way that doesn’t lead people on
▪ How to pursue accountability relationships (that actually help)
▪ How Jesus restores the sexual sinner

CHECK OUT THE WHOLE 3-PART SERIES!

Book 1: The Talk

When it comes to the matter of teaching kids about sex, Christian parents are often confused about what to say and when to start saying it. The Talk contains 7 studies, all anchored in the Scriptures, to help parents talk meaningfully with children about the basics of sexuality.

The Talk was written for parents to read with their children ages 6 to 10 years old. The study supplies elementary-age children with Biblical truths about sexuality at a level they can understand.

Book 2: Changes

Puberty can be an awkward time for many kids, but as Christian parents, we can prepare them for the changes to come. We can give them a biblical understanding of God’s sovereign purpose in the design of their changing minds and bodies. Changes is a series of 7 biblical lessons aimed at helping parents talk to their children about puberty from God’s perspective.

Changes was written for parents to read with children ages 8-12 years old, giving pre-teens a biblical and biological understanding of puberty.

Book 3: Relationships

As Christian parents, it is of utmost importance that we’re guiding our teens through the sometimes overwhelming sexual desires and temptations they experience. Relationships contains 11 Bible studies that provide a foundational understanding of how to navigate sexual temptations and desires in a godly manner.

Relationships was written for parents to read with their kids ages 11-14 years old this study will help prepare your teen for sexual temptations that they are sure to encounter and give them a greater understanding of biblical sexuality.

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Having THE TALK

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I remember my mom getting a stack of books from the library when I was about 8 and setting me down at the formal dining room table with them. I don’t remember her reading them to me or even being in the room. I looked through them and that was my introduction to sex ed. I don’t remember asking a lot of questions or feeling comfortable discussing anything with my parents.

In 5th grade, all the girls were ushered into a dark classroom with a film strip projector that showed uncomfortable old videos about the mechanics and science of creating a baby. It was still all quite a mystery, whispered and giggled about, while we were mostly more worried about when we could wear makeup and who was “going” with who.

Another memory is when I was about 12 and reading one of my moms’ Redbook magazines. I wasn’t sure what the article was even really about, but I looked up and innocently asked my dad, “What’s an orgasm?” He hollered, red-faced: “What the hell are you reading?” so I slunk away in shame to look it up in the dictionary. It wasn’t helpful at all.

Middle school was filled with many physical and social changes and I felt lost, confused, and anxious.

High school was even worse with its peer pressures…and fears of being caught alone in a dark hallway after school or in a corner of the gym by bad boys. There was the underlying knowledge that it would be all my fault if anything happened.

As a teen and young adult, I was left only with the admonition not to get pregnant. Which leaves a lot of room for sin, guilt, fear, and relationship problems. I wasn’t given advice about how to handle the hard conversations or how to extricate myself from difficult situations.

Then I got pregnant while still in college and my parents commanded me to end it so it didn’t ruin my life. And I listened to them. Even though I knew in my heart it was the wrong decision.

How would my life be different if I’d had been raised with a knowledge of God and healthy sexuality?

We still live in an antiquated patriarchal society.

Times haven’t changed much with the “boys will be boys” attitudes.

Rape culture that permeates too many conversations hidden as jokes.

Girls are often still taught to dress modestly for the wrong reasons, so as not to incite lust in males.

We see too many rapes and sexual assaults in the news. How many aren’t reported?

I see these perverse perspectives of sexuality too often, even in the homeschool and Christian communities.

A leader in our church spoke out against abstinence in Sunday school the other day. He said the idea of monogamy and purity until marriage is an archaic idea, based on a different time and culture with old-fashioned expectations. He argued that no one should be expected to remain a virgin well into adulthood, while they work on their education and build a career. He said couples should know each other, to consider if they are compatible in all ways before a marriage commitment. And he has a teen daughter and younger daughter! I wonder what they teach their daughters about sex?

Two homeschool teens in our tiny community recently began a sexual relationship. It’s common knowledge within our group and the parents scoff that they can’t control them since they are “of age.” The acceptance of this and the parents’ excuses are disturbing to me. I’m more concerned that all my kids know about their relationship and I don’t know how to navigate explanations and questions.

It makes me feel sad and a little scared for my children to find spouses and have a healthy relationship after being in the Christian and/or homeschool community.

I raise my kids differently.

THE TALK should start very early.

We can’t wait to have The Talk until our kids’ bodies begin changing – when sex seems like it’s EVERYWHERE – quite blatant innuendos in kids’ TV shows and movies, porn popups and ads online, explicit images in magazines and billboards…and the often deviant and perverse ideas and conversations of peers and even role models.

Do we want our kids learning about sex from the media and their peers?

I should hope not.

So, we as parents need tools to teach our kids about sex the right way. We need biblical sex education.

Luke and Trisha Gilkerson have created Having The Talk Biblical Sex Ed Training for Parents Video Course.

I have read and taught their sex ed books The Talk and Changes and Relationships.

I have taught my children from a very early age about sex from a biblical perspective with these books, and now this video course makes this task so much easier!

Having the Talk Biblical Sex Ed Video Course

What’s included in the Having The Talk video course?

In addition to the 8 video lessons and 3 bonus lessons, parents will also receive a digital download eBook of The Talk. 

How long will I be able to access the video course?

You’ll have one full year to access the course! You can download The Talk book and maintain access to it forever. 

Get 3 FREE lessons to preview the course.

Course Topics:

Lesson 1: Too much too soon?
How to know when to begin talking to your kids about sex.
Lesson 2: Created Male and Female.
Talking to kids about the differences in male and female anatomy.
Lesson 3: Be Fruitful and Multiply.
How to communicate the function and purpose of sex with your kids.
Lesson 4: Celebrating Life.
A lesson on the beginning of human development.
Lesson 5: The Intimacy of Sex.
Communicating the importance of sex within a marital relationship.
Lesson 6: The Theft of Love.
How to talk to your kids about adultery and sexual sin.
Lesson 7: Sexual Abuse and Your Child.
Talking to kids about sexual abuse.
Lesson 8: Your Body Belongs to the Lord.
Communicating with your children the importance of honoring God with our bodies.

Bonus Lessons!
Bonus lessons covering how to talk to your children about homosexuality and masturbation in age-appropriate ways as well as a lesson on guarding your children from pornography.

Free Digital Copy of The Talk: 7 Lessons to Introduce Your Child to Biblical Sexuality. 

Use this book with your child after going through the course.


I feel it’s so, so, SO important for us as Christian parents to begin very early to educate our children about sex in a healthy way. If we don’t step up and teach our kids, then the world will. Worldly sex information is more enticing, bolder, louder, and permeating almost every aspect of our everyday culture. We can counter the world’s lessons about sex by teaching it to our families.

If your kids are older, you can always re-teach these sex ed lessons, over and over again if you have to. It’s so important to keep an open conversation with your children. Pray for guidance and help from God to give you the right words, tone of voice, and attitude to teach your children well about being counter-cultural with sexuality, with no shame. It’s not the popular path and it can be very difficult.

I feel so blessed that my teen daughter and I can have the hard conversations. We discuss movies and books and articles we read online. We discuss real examples of her friends who have sexual relationships. I think that my personal history allows me to have the uncomfortable talks honestly and guide my kids away from sin I knew all too well.

Why you’ll love this video course:

  1. The videos aren’t just bland instructional how-tos about how to scientifically make a baby. Luke and Trisha discuss intimacy, adultery, and abuse. They address the all-too-common societal issues of divorce and children born out of wedlock with grace.
  2. 3 bonus videos on the very controversial topics of masturbation, pornography, and homosexuality, offering advice on how to discuss these concepts with our children using science, statistics, and the Bible.
  3. All sex ed topics are taught with grace, scientific knowledge, statistics, history, and biblical references.

Sign up for Having The Talk Biblical Sex Ed Training for Parents Video Course!

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Why I Don’t Teach Purity

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I don’t teach purity to my children.

I have three daughters and one son. Of course I want them to have healthy sexual values.

But some Christians aren’t even really sure what healthy sexual values should be.

I didn’t grow up with any moral compass. Appearances mattered more than my heart and soul. I made lots of mistakes.

I don’t think the Christian purity movement is the answer. I don’t think old-fashioned courting is the answer. I’m not fond of any of these terms or “spiritual movements.”

What is purity?

  • Free of dirt, pollutants, infectious agents, or other unwanted elements
  • Containing nothing inappropriate or extraneous
  • Having no moral failing or guilt

None of us is ever pure.

Children are often (and should be) innocent in the ways of the world, but eventually, the world seeps in despite all our parental efforts to protect.

I don’t want my children to grow up with no knowledge of the world, to fall into the trusting trap that all people are inherently good. I want them to be wise and have the ability to discern.

All sorts of dysfunction arise when you preach against something natural as bad and evil but offer no alternatives and don’t teach discernment.

Only Jesus is without sin.

To teach that we are ever pure is just wrong.

I teach my child that purity is found only through conforming our minds to Christ. I make sure they understand the central and biblical idea of purity and not just conforming outwardly to a spirtual idea without knowing why we should.

Most Christians say “purity,” but they really mean modesty and virginity.

And why isn’t there anything out there to teach BOYS modesty?

To teach we should remain untouched by the opposite sex until a pretty ceremony magically and suddenly removes an invisible cloak on our purity is just wrong.

And if we teach our kids that they are pure until they lose their virginity, what are they afterwards? Impure? That idea doesn’t go away just because a white dress ceremony happened.

Too many Christians I knew in my teens and youth stretched all the limits when it came to their “purity.” They would do everything and anything except go all the way. Even though I didn’t consider myself a Christian, they didn’t make any sense to me with their compromises. I was disgusted. Hot or cold, never lukewarm. Have some conviction.

Virtue is so much more than virginity. It should be a way of life. Modesty should be a mindset and it shouldn’t matter so much how long a hemline is or if shoulders show instead of how courteous and compassionate someone is.

In light of so much sexual misconduct and confusion in the media, I must address the purity topic with my family. My kids ask questions. They know the trends.

Teaching purity isn’t the answer.

I don’t want to set my children up for failure.

Since purity is an unreachable goal for man to pursue in his own strength, it doesn’t make sense to teach anyone can attain it. The purity movement doesn’t allow for failure, stumbles, or regret. It doesn’t teach grace or how to handle any social situations with the opposite sex.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

When we strive for an unreachable goal:

  • We feel less-than, hopeless, worthless.
  • We give up.
  • We become depressed.
  • We become stressed.
  • We think: what does it matter then?
  • We become frustrated.
  • We rebel.

 

Why I won’t teach my kids purity:

My teen has no desire for a “purity weekend.”

I know many parents with tweens or teens enjoy the purity weekend stuff. There’s a huge market for all sorts of books, DVDs, jewelry, and whatnot to the Christian population for purity talks.

I have ongoing conversations with my children about all sorts of hard topics and difficult issues.

My teen feels her behavior and values should stand alone, without outward symbols that could invite ridicule or uncomfortable questions from peers. She decided mostly on her own that it’s not the right time for dating now. Her friends all know and respect this.

We don’t feel the need to buy purity rings to symbolize virginity.

If she loses or damages the ring, what then?

If she makes mistakes and loses her “purity,” what then?

I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin, not constantly terrified of having an impure thought, word, or touch.

I want her to guard her heart as well as her body from harm.

It’s more than rules.

I don’t want to be just a rule enforcer with my kids. This is more about their hearts than their hemlines or how far they can go and still maintain their “purity.”

Drilling my kids in purity rules is legalism and doesn’t teach them anything useful. I could mandate when hand holding is appropriate, teach to never kiss a boy, and to refrain from any physical touch with someone of the opposite sex.

It will just instill a feeling of rebellion and create feelings of less-than.

I want them to follow the teachings of Christ, not some “spiritual movement.”

I’m concerned about the patriarchal fundamentalist stay-at-home-daughter cult ideals.

I’ve read a lot of this propaganda and it teaches that girls are only worthwhile and attractive when they are 110% to their fathers, brothers, pastors, and eventually to their husbands. It’s all about control.

I want more for my daughters.

Purity is an idol.

Too many Christians worship the idea of purity. Abstinence of all sexual ideas until marriage. They don’t even want to teach the science or facts to their children.

Ignorance isn’t bliss.

What if “purity” isn’t maintained?

What if a child is exposed to pornography?

What if a teen or youth stumbles?

It’s better to teach the ideas behind modesty and abstinence. Of course, kids need to know what the Bible says about relationships, sexual and otherwise.

I think the issue is about intimacy.

Intimacy:

  • having a very close relationship : very warm and friendly
  • very personal or private
  • involving sex or sexual relations

Children and teens should not seek to be intimate with another of the opposite sex. There is no reason for it. They don’t need practice dating. They should not be encouraged to have boyfriends or girlfriends while they are in middle school or high school. Children should not have private relationships. They need guidance from parents about how to navigate relationships. Intimate relationships very often lead to sexual relationships.

The purity idol doesn’t teach consent.

What if abuse, assault, rape occurs? Is that child no longer pure? What does that say to them as victims? This is just furthering rape culture that girls are “dirty” if they’ve been “ruined.”

What happens when a happy young couple does get married? Does that idea that sex is bad and dirty just magically lift?

I know many parents mean well by limiting music and movies and books with anything sexually tempting. But there is so much great literature and film out there. Instead of forbidding it, why not teach maturity and use it as a lesson? (And no, I’m not advocating 50 Shades of Grey!)

There are still rampant double standards out there:

It is not a mistake when women are compared to objects…
– Greener grass
– Flower that lost it’s petals
– Chewed gum
– Cow (“Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”)
– Fine china
– Precious cargo

…and men are the humans with agency in the scenario.
– The human gardener watering the grass
– The human plucking the petals
– The human chewing the gum
– The human buying/using the cow
– The human owning/placing the china
– The human protecting/carrying the cargo

This is an attack (though subtle) on the very humanity of girls.

~Ashley Easter

What will I teach my kids instead of purity?

The ultimate goal is healthy relationships…not just abstinence of all sexual relations until marriage. Our society scoffs that this is impossible. Certainly it is a difficult path, and most people would find a thirty-year-old virgin laughable. One argument would be to marry younger rather than later. Our culture expects teens to have sex, and certainly promotes sexual activity for college-age and young adults.

How can I equip my kids to protect good personal and moral values?

I will keep an open conversation.

The idea of abstinence until marriage is counter-cultural. The older my children get, the harder it will be on them to maintain those values in a culture that ridicules this “old-fashioned” idea and teaches its opposite, often as a double standard.

I want to be a sounding board, helping them to navigate social interactions and giving them tips to escape from uncomfortable advances, and avoiding difficult situations.

They need practical advice, from learning slang to inappropriate gestures and body language. If they’re clueless, they are potential victims.

I want to be here for my kids. I want to be the one to answer the hard questions.

How far is too far?

If they think it’s disgusting to see their parents or grandparents doing it, then that’s a good warning.

I want to be open-minded and I want my kids to talk to me about their relationships with friends and potential significant others.

What can they do if they’re in {whatever} situation?

Being up front and honest with people should prevent any misunderstanding. I hope that I’m just a phone call away to help if I’m needed.

Having a code word to alert to danger quickly so I can pick her up without explanation is a plan to implement soon.

Always sticking with a trusted friend for safety in numbers is another good idea.

Self defense lessons might be a goal.

I will point them to the Bible.

The Bible is clear that we are not to engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage. It has clear teachings on what marriage should be.

In light of recent events, marriage is a huge topic in the media, church, and in our household.

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. Romans 13:13-14

We should honor God with our bodies: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20

It is better to marry than to burn with passion: 1 Corinthians 7:1-16

We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day. 1 Corinthians 10:8

Ephesians 5 has a great explanation of godly marriage.

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4

We discuss Scripture and how we can follow it despite what the world teaches. Yes, sometimes, it’s hard. Yes, there is opposition from even other lukewarm or liberal Christians.

The Bible shouldn’t be used as a weapon. I want my kids to hide its words in their hearts. We start very young, before they even understand what marriage, sex, or relationships are. We revisit the verses and concepts over and over, expanding on their teachings and meanings as they get older and understand more.

I will point out examples from history and society, both good and bad.

There are plenty of examples warning of the consequences of sexual sin in history, literature, movies, and our society.

I will never teach my kids that anyone is beyond hope.

Mistakes are made and anyone can be forgiven. We read of historical figures who made poor choices but redeemed their past with a 180* and learned the errors of their ways.

We discuss how the Holy Spirit and godly counsel can help us stay strong in our convictions and what to do if we stumble.

The media offers up lots of fodder for conversation and we discuss what’s going on with celebrities frankly. I have discussions with my kids about what’s popular.

I ask what they think and I share my views. Children don’t mince words. They know what’s right and wrong and that is typically absolute. The world compromises and deals in shades of gray.

We’ve also been discussing popular music a lot lately. Taylor Swift’s new songs have terrible messages for tweens and teens and I explain to my kids why her lyrics are bad. We also joke about most songs on the radio having to do with sex.

It gets more difficult when we grow up and are influenced by peers with different views, especially compromising Christians who have a foot on both sides of the line.

I will pray.

As a parent, I need to step up my prayer time the older my children get. They need more spiritual help as they become independent.

It’s very, very hard to maintain our convictions. It’s much more difficult for children with less life experience to stand firm in their beliefs.

I will pray for my kids to have strength.

I will pray for their friends and relationships. I will pray they will be good influences. I will pray my kids are good examples to others.

I will pray for their safety.

I will pray for their spiritual growth. I will pray they can stay busy learning and growing in Christ.

I will pray for their success as adults, that they will discover their talents and gifts and hone them and use them for the good of society and to the glory of God.

I will pray for future spouses.

I will pray for their hearts to be protected from false or damaging or broken relationships. Dating and intimate relationships for young adults (for anyone!) can be treacherous to hearts and minds.

Anyone can have physical sex. Yes, there can be physical consequences. The emotional scars and psychological trauma from casual relationships can often be worse than any physical effects.

The language of the purity movement concerns me.

I’m sure there are many fine couples who successfully maneuvered the purity movement and are happily married.

I don’t want to take my chances with the potential negatives I see.

I want to teach my kids a better way.

I want them to be safe and have healthy relationships – emotionally and physically. I want them to grow up and enjoy everything that a godly marriage has to offer.

Another good article: Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed


Linking up: Burlap and Babies, A Life in Balance, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Rich Faith Rising, The Modest Mom Blog, Time-Warp Wife, Hip Homeschooling, The Stay at Home Mom Survival Guide, True Aim Education, Moms Morning Coffee, Holly Gerth, Wondermom Wannabe, Wife Mom Geek, Adventures of Mel, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Happy and Blessed Home, The Jenny Evolution, Imparting Grace, xoxo Rebecca, Frog’s Lilypad, Hip Homeschooling, Mommy Crusader, My Life Abundant


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10 Things I Want to Tell My Children

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You know, I don’t care if you read the 50 Shades books or watch the movies.

We can still be friends.

I shared an article the other day and got lots of criticism. Some of the comments shocked me a tiny bit; most saddened me.

I have high standards. I didn’t always. I pray that my children maintain high standards for their entertainment and every other aspect of their lives.

I discuss books and movies with my teen daughter. She knows they exist and I wanted to hear her thoughts and explain my stance. My younger girls don’t know much about these things yet. My son is oblivious.

I haven’t read the Grey series. I don’t plan ever to watch the movies.

But I have read erotica and viewed pornography before. I know what to expect.

We’re in a battle for the souls of our children.

I know I want no part in any of that now.

Our society glorifies and protects sexual predators. I have to counteract that by protecting and teaching my children.

10 Things I Want to Tell My Daughters and Son

What I want my children to know about sexuality:

1. Sex isn’t bad.

Our culture sends mixed messages about sex:

“Men, go for it!”

“Women, don’t be sluts!”

And the Christian culture demands purity while turning a blind eye to sin.

I am no prude.

I wasn’t a real Christian until my late 20s when I already had a child and two divorces under my belt.

Am I proud of my sin? Am I ashamed? I am forgiven and I learned from my mistakes. Those experiences are a part of my past and made me who I am today.

Sex is a beautiful thing within a monogamous loving marriage.

I refuse to allow the media to educate my children about sex.

2. People should be respected.

Our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Let the Spirit guide you.

Respect yourself and others.

Always be kind. Have self-control.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

We should walk with dignity and grant dignity to all others.

Sex should never be demeaning, degrading, or shaming. That is abuse.

A married couple should be in agreement and glorify God in all they do, including sex.

You shouldn’t have to hide away from prying eyes to read, watch, or do anything.

Integrity equals respect.

3. Be careful, little eyes, what you see.

You can never un-remember or un-see pornography.

It perverts and twists what healthy sex should be. It creates an impossible standard for humans to attain in the bedroom. It can become an addiction. Don’t allow false images to have that power over you.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

Because there might be people who look up to you and you don’t want to disappoint them or lead them astray by a poor decision.

You don’t want to be compared to those false images.

4. Cause not a man to stumble.

Don’t do anything you might be ashamed of – especially if your parents, pastor, teacher, siblings, friends, or whoever is a role model or thinks of you as a role model – sees you doing something wrong.

The New York Times Test – Would you be proud of yourself if this were on the front page and everyone in the world saw this spotlighted? In today’s instant world, would you want this shared on Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, etc.?

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. 1 Corinthians 10: 31-33

Do you want to be the bad example, confusing those who might be weaker in their faith journey than you?

Don’t compromise.

Be aware of how others might interpret your language or behavior.

5. Maintain personal integrity for yourself and a future spouse.

Viewing or reading pornography is etched in your mind forever. Just like any intimate experiences you may have with someone.

I shared my first marriage with Satan and all those other women he had been with and watched in videos or online or in shops…and all the other men I had known. It ruined us.

There’s nothing like the searing jealousy of an imagined memory.

Purity is so much more than just staying a virgin until your wedding night.

It’s about keeping your mind, heart, body, and soul focused on Christ.

You need to learn who you are as an individual in the body of Christ and your role as His royal line – without distractions – before you join together with a spouse in marriage.

I do pray you never have ugly memories to mar the beauty of sex within marriage.

6. There’s a state of depravity in the world.

The world will block our advances and it will try to confuse us and it will criticize us and it will tell us we’re wrong.

People will make bizarre accusations when you stand up for what’s right.

It’s very difficult to be in the world and not of the world.

Many think they’re safe, limiting their entertainment to Christian music and movies and wholesome books.

Just because media has that Christian label doesn’t mean it has anything to do with Christ.

It’s a delicate balance and a fine line. When people who claim they’re Christian do things completely out of character, it’s difficult to reconcile that.

Stand strong.

When Christians glorify pornography or erotica or rubbish entertainment with all their excuses in the name of individuality and freedom, Satan is thrilled for his victory.

7. You don’t have to follow everyone else.

Don’t give in to peer pressure. Yes, it’s very uncomfortable. You might lose friends.

You will get stronger.

It will get harder before it gets easier. It’s even that much harder still when Christians do the wrong thing.

I spent too many years finding myself – my voice, my convictions, my beliefs. The hypocrisy I see in the church confused me and it was very hard to learn the correct path. It sometimes still is.

I hope I have given you a strong foundation, a moral and biblical education that you have a good jumping off point for being a productive, high-functioning, fruitful citizen and Christian.

8. You’re not the Holy Spirit.

Everyone argues that Christians are too judgmental. Even Christians misuse Holy Scripture, taking it out of context, claiming we should not judge others. Ever.

There’s a big difference between judging someone for a difference of opinion and judging a Christian for committing sin. We are called to be iron sharpening iron in Proverbs 27:17. Yes, it’s very hard to confront a sinner in love and grace – and tact. Just because I’ve sinned doesn’t mean I can’t recognize it in someone else and try to lift them up out of it.

Never Look Down on Someone Unless You're Helping Them Up

Are you confused about the difference between righteous judgment and a holier than thou attitude? See this article, for it explains better than I.

I have little respect for Christians or almost any adult who is not constantly trying to improve and personally grow.

Some will complain that no one that can judge them because we’re all sinners – or that this sin is different, less, worse, than that sin, so they can’t be judged.

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” ~Maya Angelou

Always learn and always improve.

9. Be discerning.

Wisdom is not knowing all things. You don’t need to read or watch garbage to tell others to avoid it. You don’t have to experience everything. Don’t fall into that freedom trap. You’re freer in Christ than you’ll ever be, claiming freedom in individuality. Don’t act like a spoiled brat, demanding to do whatever you want.

Avoid evil. Be aware of it, but avoid it.

Learn to recognize that still, small voice – your conscience, that twinge of warning, that gut feeling – and remove yourself from a dangerous situation.

Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. Matthew 10:16

Go your way; behold, I am sending you out as lambs in the midst of wolves. Luke 10:3

Some people will attempt to balance their sin with their good works. Just because they do good things, charitable works…it doesn’t negate or redeem their sin.

Steer clear of toxic people.

10. You will make mistakes.

You will have regrets.

You will damage yourself and relationships. Some people won’t forgive you and you’ll have to live with that. Try to forgive yourself and others. That’s even harder.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Jesus is our Redeemer.

I’ve made gazillions of mistakes, some miniscule and some life-threatening. I am no better or worse than anyone else. I am just really, really experienced – and forgiven.

I pray that you learn well and soon from your mistakes.

I pray they are mostly little itty bitty mistakes and that your life is super boring with no drama but that you take amazingly huge risks for God.

I know that’s an oxymoron.

Anytime we love and live for Christ, we sacrifice.

When we worship on the altar of sex there will be harsh consequences.

I will always love you, no matter what.

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In the Trenches - Protect Your Kids From App and Internet Misuse


Linking up: A Life in Balance, Enchanted Homeschooling Mom, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Your Homebased Mom,  Happy and Blessed Home, B Inspired Mama, Raising Homemakers, Holley Gerth, iHomeschool Network,

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