Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Advice to My Younger Self

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I often wish someone had offered suggestions to us as a young family when we struggled for balance.

I didn’t have mentors at all. We knew we wanted a different lifestyle than our parents, peers, siblings, friends.

We didn’t know where to start to streamline our schedules and get the most bang for our buck.

We had to make our own way, lots of mistakes, and lean on each other for the last 14 years. We’re still learning!

It’s often so much newness that you don’t stop to think about the stress.

Finishing up college or grad school, getting married or moving in, new jobs, beginning or changing a career, having babies.

These are all wonderful, exciting things…but they’re also very high on the stress index.

We often don’t stop to realize how all these amazing opportunities and changes stress us out even though we think we’re happy.

It’s important to have a good support network, rely on and trust your spouse, and have a good foundation about your values, priorities, and needs.

I’m 43 now and looking back, I’ve learned a lot from life and…

I have some advice for my younger self.

I should have taken better care of me – my physical and mental health. It’s important and I’m paying the price now. Is this what a mid-life crisis look like?

No one really cares what you look like. Don’t worry so much about it. Wear what you want, what’s comfortable. Do whatever to your hair and makeup. Stretch marks and laugh lines are battle scars. Be yourself.

Speak up. No one knows what you’re feeling or thinking if you don’t tell them. Don’t play childish guessing games.

There is no us and them. We’re all in this together. 

5 Areas to Address for Success:

1. Marriage

No name calling, ever.

The only time you should use the words “dummy” or “fool” is when you’re talking about puppets or pudding desserts, respectively. Focus on positive and nonviolent language, even when you’re angry.

Work together as a team.

It’s easy to get lazy and not be as courteous to our spouses as we should be. “Equality” means different things to different couples. Some do their own laundry separately or one cooks and the other does the dishes. If it works, then by all means, continue. But don’t be petty or waste time, money, and energy when it could be more helpful and efficient to work together or help each other out on something. Use gifts, talents, and interests well.

Communicate.

The 3 biggest issues in most marriages are sex, money, and parenting. Most disagreements, misconceptions, arguments, and misunderstandings involve one of these three topics.

Get over your embarrassments, inhibitions, issues, and baggage…and learn how to discuss your needs, desires, wants, and expectations about these things.

The marriage checklist listed in this article is a great place to fill in some gaps.

My favorite marriage book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Money

I don’t like the term “budget” because it’s so narrow and constricting. Most of us are a little flexible and don’t spend the exact same amount on categories each pay period. Using the term “spending plan” is much more accurate for most of us. We’re not disciplined enough to use cash envelopes each month for categories, but I hear it’s successful for some. I think most of us pay bills online and use our check cards for other purchases. Obviously, that requires keeping on top of purchases and receipts, and communicating with your partner.

I use an Excel spreadsheet to track our expenses each month.

If there are separate accounts, make sure to communicate about who is responsible for what. We have a separate account just for our rent and car payment. I have a separate account for all my writing, but it barely breaks even.

Know your income. Know the salary at your job. Make sure to getting what you’re owed. Check pay stubs and make corrections. Get the most income by adjusting withholding for taxes at places of employment. No need to lend that money to the government to get a big tax return. Most of us would rather have that little bit more each paycheck.

Insurance. Research the best options for your family’s needs. Everyone needs affordable health insurance. Shop around for the best auto and renters or homeowners insurance for your situation. And update as your frequently as your lifestyle changes.

Investments. As soon as possible, invest in Roth IRAs and max those babies out. We’re not even there yet. We’ve never been able to max them out. We do have 529s for our 4 kids. That’s a great way to help kids begin their adult lives debt-free, with no student loans!

Debt. List all debt and be honest with yourself. Student loans. Car payments. Child support and alimony. List minimum payments and due dates in order.

Food. This is often a HUGE expense and can be curtailed with some planning. See info about “meals” below.

Gas. This can be a big expense. The USA is a huge gas guzzling empire, and cars are everywhere.  Most towns and cities aren’t built for bicycles or pedestrians. Public transportation is minimal and unreliable in most places. If possible, limit your family to one car and plan well – carpooling, limiting errands to 1 or 2 days a week, bicycling and walking more. It cuts down on expenses and pollution.

Miscellaneous. There’s always something, right? We have to be aware of regular expenses and plan for emergencies. Know when car tags are due and put that on your spreadsheet. Spring is a big time for our family’s birthdays. Autumn comes with new curriculum and school supplies and clothes. Summer camps and rec sports for kids can really add up. Holidays can often make for surprises. We don’t give greeting cards anymore and we limit gift-giving.

3. Meals

Prepping and planning. It took me years to develop a good system and I still sometimes struggle.

I try to limit waste and plan meals around store sales and coupons on shopping apps.

Sure, we get bored and have to mix it up sometimes.

We sometimes throw a plan out the window for holidays and celebrations.

We seldom eat out, which saves money. We make our food from scratch which is healthier and more satisfying for us. We don’t like a lot of processed, pre-packaged foods.

Shopping. I tend to shop weekly at Kroger and/or Walmart.

About once a month, I do a big haul at Costco and/or the commissary.

I price compare and keep track of where the better deals are.

I buy bacon, sausage, and cat litter at the commissary.

Cooking. Someone has to make dinner. Every day.

I feel it’s important to have dinner together as a family every night, if possible.

As the kids get older, they help so much with meals and it’s great for us to all to work together.

I often prep and my husband grills.

Occasionally, I serve the kids earlier and have a nicer meal and movie night with my husband.

4. House

Maintenance. Whether it’s an apartment, rental house, or you own your own home, regular maintenance is important. We’ve always rented homes, but we try to stay proactive and let the homeowner know when and if items need repair. We replace filters on time, we keep everything clean, and we maintain the yard and grounds regularly.

Decoration. We are frugal and simple with seasonal and regular home decor. It took me years to find a home style I feel comfortable with that isn’t overwhelming. I’m still evolving and since we move every few years, it allows for some fun updates. 

Organization. Everything in its place. If you have to buy storage for your stuff, you have too much stuff. With four growing kids, we had so much stuff for so many years. As they grow and don’t need so much, it’s so refreshing to donate or sell items as they outgrow toys, clothes, and homeschool materials.

5. Children

Discipline. It’s important for spouses to be on the same page about how to raise children.

Chores. Kids really want to help, so let them.

Activities. Less is more. We’ve had seasons of overscheduling and find it’s better for each child to have one extracurricular activity at a time. We do family art lessons and each child has a seasonal or recreational sport.

Day care/Babysitting. Day care is just so expensive. We made a hard choice for me to stay home with the kids to save money and not outsource them to someone else to raise.

While we had a season when we hired babysitters so we could socialize, I regret that now that it didn’t really help our family grow personally or spiritually.

School. There are lots of options for education. Public, private, religious, charter, homeschool. Each has its pros and cons and your family has to make the tough decision how you want your kids educated. And it can even change from year to year, season to season, or with different kids.

We tried homeschooling and never looked back. It was an easy choice for us with moving around so frequently. It allowed so much more freedom for our family to travel and learn how we want.

Religion. Even if it’s not important or an issue for you and your spouse, kids will most likely bring this up at some point. It’s better to have a response in mind beforehand than to have to scramble and stumble with ill-conceived explanations. Know what you believe and why so you can explain, teach, and guide your kids. They will have questions. Don’t be embarrassed or shame them if you don’t know the answers. Find out together.

Setting Goals for the Future:

Sometimes, this is really hard and life throws really fast curveballs.

We’ve had our fair share of struggles and setbacks. We’ve lived through tragedies and adventures we never imagined or planned for and here we are, living to tell about it.

I often think about these things, dream about it, and set goals:

1 year

Where do I want to be a year from now?

Sometimes, we know we’re going to PCS and I make plans for our new location.

I research our homeschool activities and curriculum.

I consider our debt and finances and plan better. 

My eldest is beginning college and will probably move into a dorm.

3 years

What dreams do I have for 3 years from now?

I consider what my kids will be doing in our homeschool. 

My eldest might be finishing college and starting her career.

My middle girls will be high school age. What do I want that to look like?

5 years

What do we want 5 years from now?

We’re getting close to my husband’s retirement. Where do we want to live? What other job does he want?

My son will be our last child at home. What will his high school years look like?

How can I support my middle girls in their higher education?

What will our relationship look like with my eldest daughter?

10 years

What do I want our family to look like in 10 years?

What am I doing right now to ensure my kids are friends as adults?

How will we juggle relationships with four adult kids who might live all over the world?

How am I managing our finances for our future comfort?

How can I care for my aging parents?

It’s important to set goals and reevaluate your family’s needs at different life stages.

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The Last Time

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It’s often poignant watching my kids grow up.

I made a lot of mistakes with my first child, as parents often do. I was anxious, worried, struggling with my own demons, learning to grow up myself.

With my two middle girls, I learned to be calmer, set better priorities, love well.

With my son, my youngest, I have learned most of my parenting lessons and practice being mindful.

I’m always learning, and always amazed, thrilled, surprised.

My kids are wonderful people and I feel such joy and pride watching them interact with each other, me, their dad, and others.

We seldom know when it’s the last time as a parent.

  • The last diaper change
  • The last ride in a carseat
  • The last time she lets me wash and comb her hair
  • The last time he says, “Mom, look at me!”
  • The last third grade math book
  • The last dandelion given for no reason
  • The last homeschool lesson
  • The last driving lesson
  • The last family vacation

I want my kids to be independent and successful.

Success looks different for each child.

The whole point is to prepare them for the world and gently push them away bit by bit, little birds flying from the nest.

I feel it’s important not to compare my kids to each other or to others, but to recognize that each of my children is a unique person with gifts, struggles, strengths, and room for improvement.

We focus on healthy relationships and emotions.

I feel poignant and bittersweet as my eldest is now 18. And my middle daughter just turned 13. My third child is turning 12. My son just turned 9.

I want to stop time.

The Last Time

~Author Unknown~

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

Resources:

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Hold your children close, with open hands.

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Teaching Kids About Healthy Relationships

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It begins even before birth.

Those first little twinges, flutters of life inside.

You’re a mother.

And you want to protect her from everything that could ever hurt anyone.

You want to teach him everything you don’t even know.

But how?

With control?

I’m in a lot of online groups for homeschooling and there are always posts asking about the best science or math curricula or how to motivate a crabby tween to complete assignments or how to “de-school” a 4th grader into a homeschool routine.

The concerns are numerous and they are valid and crowdsourcing is the new Google.

But I have different concerns.

How do we have healthy friendships and help our kids navigate friendships in this digital age? How do we teach our kids about healthy sexuality? How do we handle shame?

How do we do any of that when we don’t have any models to follow or mentors of healthy relationships?

How do we rise out of abuse, codependency, narcissism, addiction…to teach our kids about love and kindness?

In light of all the silenced voices who are beginning to roar this past year…I think it’s wonderful and necessary.

I think we need to change our focus.

Instead of (and in addition to) social media posts with #MeToo and #ChurchToo and #AllLivesMatter, accusing and rushing to court…

Why can’t we be more proactive?

What are we doing to teach our kids about healthy relationships?

We’ve often been silent because no one would hear.

Do we want our children silenced or do we want them to realize their voice is important?

There is no time for silence.

I have three daughters and a son. I want all of them to be emotionally and physically healthy. I have to be proactive about teaching them how to have healthy relationships. No one is gonna do that for me. I have to get over my own triggers and hangups to talk to them about the hard topics. I have to talk and teach about bullying, sex, abuse, addiction, mental illness, hate crimes…the things their friends or their friends’ siblings and parents are avoiding or doing to themselves and their families and friends. I don’t want to wait until they experience a negative interaction and don’t know what to do.

My teen daughter has already been bullied and assaulted, harassed and groped. She and her peers think this is just a normal part of growing up.

It shouldn’t be.

She was bullied and assaulted at a military based drama club at age 14.

The mother of the teen boy used all the clichés. “Boys will be boys.” “They’re just children.” “You’re the only one with the problem.” “They should just avoid each other.” Then social media attacks from the boy went on for months. The director and staff did nothing. She quit drama over it.

She’s been groped at school dances she attended with public school friends. It was laughed off.

She’s been harassed at work at age 17, inappropriately touched and spoken to suggestively by adult coworkers. She tells them to stop. She complains to  managers, that they won’t stop. The (female) managers tell her to avoid those men. “Don’t talk to them. Leave the break room if they’re there.” They don’t want more paperwork.

Are you kidding me?

Authorities do nothing or very little to help. Telling makes women the crybaby and tattletale. Many don’t believe us. Too many people ask us what we did to deserve it. We are alienated and isolated, looked at askance. Whispered about behind our backs.

The narrative has to change.

It’s only too obvious to me that many adults don’t know how to have healthy relationships, so they don’t know how to model that or teach it to children.

So we’re dealing with several generations of unhealthy coping mechanisms and dysfunction in families and other relationships.

And it’s getting worse.

Schools don’t teach about healthy relationships.

Elementary schools might have character development lessons and focus on sharing.

Schools probably have a no tolerance anti-bullying rule, but that just makes it much more insidious and dangerous and secret.

High schools don’t teach more than a quarter or semester of “health” and that tends to focus more on monitoring heart rate while exercising, FDA-approved nutrition, and maybe an antiquated abstinence sex ed curriculum.

Churches don’t teach much about healthy relationships.

If anything, too many churches perpetuate abuse cycles and blame victims, shaming those who don’t fit the American societal model of the good Christian, teach parents to harshly and physically discipline their children, and that women and POC or those who are somehow different are inferior and ignorant in a white patriarchal society.

Healthy Relationships

Emotions

Learn and teach that all emotions are valid.

We tend to veer away from negativity and even punish it. This creates unhealthy coping mechanisms and can lead to worse behaviors later on as emotions are stifled and have to find an outlet.

Establishing a secure, strong, loving relationship with parents and caregivers is important.

Feeling accepted and understood by parents helps a child learn how to accept and understand others as he grows.

Many tantrums in babies and toddlers can be avoided.

Deal with the stress. Talk it through. Young kids usually don’t have the language ability or self-control developed yet.

Be the calm you want to see in your child.

1. Power tantrums happens when child hears “no” and he doesn’t know how to respond to that. Simply give him a choice. If he wants to eat ice cream before dinner, tell him that he can eat ice cream after dinner. Tell him why. Give him a choice of 2 different vegetables to choose from at dinner. Limit choices so it’s not overwhelming. Yes, these times can be really hard. Sometimes, they just have to have a stubborn moment to make a difficult decision.

2. Attention tantrums should be mostly ignored. Respond by explaining calmly that you will talk when he is ready to speak nicely. Keep him safe and stay near so he doesn’t feel abandoned. We should model kindness and gentle speaking.

3. Frustration tantrums usually happen when a child cannot do things he wants. For example, my little one used to get frustrated when he couldn’t fit a toy car under the couch or a shape in the correct sized hole in the puzzle. Simply, assure him that you understand why is he upset and ask to show him how to do the task. Don’t do it for him. Offer support.

4. Over-stimulation tantrums occur when young children don’t know how to deal with the feeling of hunger, fatigue, or being overwhelmed. Feed him, put him to sleep, and keep him in a calm place to avoid these tantrums. Be proactive and plan activities around the necessary schedule.

According to John Gottman, children with higher emotional intelligence:

  • deal better with their feelings,
  • calm down faster and recover better from stressful situations,
  • are more understanding and sensitive to other people,
  • make strong, long lasting friendships and intimate relationships,
  • become more confident and successful professionals,
  • are physically healthier,
  • do better in school,
  • have fewer behavior issues, less violence incidents,
  • have less negative feelings and more positive feelings.
  • ARE HEALTHY EMOTIONALLY.

While we (should) eventually outgrow tantrums, we still have the emotions and often unhealthy coping mechanisms from not knowing how or being allowed to express ourselves in a healthy and safe way.

Our American society and church encourages us to stifle negative emotions and always paste on a smile, which is especially a message towards girls.

Empathy

Kids often need to be taught that the world really doesn’t revolve around them. This is an important stage of development. (Some adults haven’t reached this stage yet…)

I’ve found with my four kids, they often teach me empathy. This is their natural predilection.

It’s our job as a parent to model empathy as events become more complicated, gray areas, in our daily interactions.

Usually, toddlers learn to develop real empathy by age 3 or 4.

Begin with language.

“I statements” and validating all feelings are important.

Discuss how it hurts and scares the dog to have his tail pulled. Commiserate with her when she scrapes her knee. Talk about how her friend is sad to have to leave the playdate. The cat doesn’t like sudden, loud noises. Dad is misses her too when he’s at work or deployed.

Use pretend play and role modeling to talk about feelings of others in different circumstances.

Teach and practice proper apology.

Helping Others

If we see someone in need, we must help them. If someone is hurt, we must go to their rescue.

In America, we tend to look the other way. If we help, will we be accused of causing more harm? Will someone misinterpret our assistance? Could we be sued?

In Europe, there are Samaritan Laws and people can be fined or even face jail time if they ignore someone in need.

This idea goes along with empathy. If we can help, we should. We’re always able to go to someone in authority for help if it’s beyond our knowledge or ability.

It’s ok to get angry (or whatever feeling), but it’s never ok to be cruel.

No matter how we’re treated, we must still help others.

Love anyway.

Consent

Teaching about consent begins with babies.

Teach kids that they own their bodies. Asking and explaining what you’re doing from Day 1 with diaper changes, bathing, and clothing is respectful parenting.

Your body is yours. Don’t force kids to hug or kiss anyone. Don’t ridicule if he doesn’t want to high-five or shake hands. Who cares if Auntie Alice or Uncle Bob get offended? They’ll get over it. Kids must feel and stay safe. 

No means NO. No isn’t a game. If no is said, stop the rough-housing. Stop the tickling. Stop whatever it is. No and stop are important words and should be honored. We don’t make light of those words. 

Teach all kids proper body terms instead of slang or baby words.

Don’t be frightened of the word vulva. It is the correct term.

Shaming is silencing.

We don’t use punishment in our house. Spanking teaches that hitting and abuse is ok. We don’t use incentive charts. We don’t use shame.

I sometimes raise my voice, but I apologize if it’s in anger.

Consent is respect. Consent is boundaries.

I always apologize when I am wrong or make a mistake. I must model this healthy attitude.

We’re all human.

Abuse

Bullying is a huge problem. Schools and orgs say they have a zero-tolerance policy but they usually just want to sweep it all under the rug. It’s uncomfortable and the victim is too often blamed.

There’s a societal break when tweens are purposely assaulting classmates with allergens.

Listen and trust what kids are saying and how. Don’t fear everyone, but be alert and aware. If they don’t want to go with someone or take a class or play at someone’s house, find out why.

No “locker room talk” or sex jokes allowed. Once these demeaning ideas abound, it’s harder to get back to healthy ideas.

No ridiculing jokes about race or differences allowed. This should never be tolerated.

Obviously, hitting and physical abuse is a big NO. We’re pacifists and don’t condone physical punishment. Spanking or slapping teaches that abuse is ok.

But many domestic abuse victims tell themselves and think that they’re not abused because “he never hit me.” Abuse comes in many insidious forms – sexual, spiritual, psychological, emotional.

The church has been condoning abuse cycles for decades and this attitude seeps into our society attitudes towards women and minorities, especially.

Control can be a form of abuse.

Hurt people hurt others.

Intuition

Sometimes, you just have a gut feeling that something or someone is not right or safe.

Trust that feeling. 

I’ve often second-guessed that feeling and tried to justify it away. It’s hard when everyone else likes that person or ridicules your worry.

It’s always right.

I have to learn to listen to my intuition and overcome anxiety. I’m learning or relearning to listen to myself after years of being told my intuition is wrong or stupid.

I often ask my husband or eldest daughter about someone, “Is this normal behavior or language or tone?” because I just don’t know sometimes.

I have to address my triggers and heal myself in order to guide my children in this complicated world.

Differences

We have to respect, not just tolerate those with differences. 

There are so many isms.

I am so grateful and proud to see this melting pot of America grow and expand. I am saddened by the hatred and confusion I see in real life and online and in the news.

Our government and church leaders perpetuate these ideas of exclusion instead of leading towards hope and inclusion.

As a middle class white family, we have to be aware of our privilege and how it affects others. 

We have to learn precision of language so we don’t exclude or offend others.

It’s a rocky road towards inclusion. 

We must teach our children how to navigate relationships in a safe and healthy way.

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Reintegration

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First of all, I really loathe the word “reintegration” for after deployment, returning to routine, family, normal life. The only instance I could find for the use of the word outside the military world is in rehab.

I guess it could feel a little as if a loved one left either way.

Of course, the first few days, even weeks, back from a deployment can be stressful and difficult for a married couple and for a parent and children.

Deployment is really hard on children and marriages. We have to put forth extra effort for long distance relationships.

Holidays have to be extra special to make up for the missing family member.

As homeschoolers, we keep on doing our thing, but sometimes, we take breaks when we become sad and miss Dad or just need mental health days or to go do something somewhere that’s not home with all its memories.

Successful Reintegration for Families:

  • Preparation
  • Expectations
  • Communication
  • Schedule
  • Adjustment

It helps to take a few days or even weeks during the countdown to homecoming to get the family ready!

Preparation

I’ve spent many months on my own, doing things my way.

Organized, efficient, routine.

I’m an introvert and I’m pretty strong on my own.

I know I need to prepare myself and the kids for a new arrival after so much time alone.

We’ve been doing things without him for so long that he will feel almost like a stranger in his own home.

We need to have conversations and list pros and cons to our lifestyles and how we don’t want to irritate Dad when he returns home and adjusts to living with family members who have grown so much he doesn’t even know now.

We may have to adjust schedules and have earlier quiet time since Dad goes to bed earlier to get up to go to the gym and then work. No more late night dance parties on a Tuesday or snacks loudly prepared in the kitchen after bedtime.

We’ll have a family meeting to discuss how things were, how things are, and how things could and should be upon his return.

It’s a lot more work and effort than just showing off the new sofas and bathroom rugs, discussing how much taller the kids are, asking for help putting together the robot Christmas present.

We can’t and don’t want to just go back to the way things were before.

Expectations

I hate the airport reunion.

I hate the waiting for the plane with anxious kids. I hate the witnesses, judging our affection. Is it right? Enough? Too much?

I hate standing aside in baggage claim while his commander and coworkers fawn over him and everyone ignores us.

We fake smiles and attempt to make small talk with people who don’t even know us as anything other than an issued accessory.

We get through it somehow and sit awkwardly for the car ride home from the airport.

The anticipation for the first few hours home seem bursting with embarrassment as there’s not much really to look forward to anymore.

There will be lots of unpacking, laundry, jet lag.

There’s no possible way he can catch up on months that he missed.

We’ll go through photos and by bits and pieces, he can develop memories of this time.

I got a scrapbook album last time he deployed and I think those are a great idea.

It’s confusing and maybe scary for young kids to welcome home a parent who seems so different from when he left, from their fond memory of him.

He’ll smell different. The cats and kids will surely notice. Months of eating poor quality food and being in the desert changes his familiar scent.

He may look different. His eyes might be shadowed with anything he may have seen over there. Months of loneliness without anything soft or caring takes its toll.

He may talk differently. He’s used to barking orders or talking to other service members. He’s almost forgotten what it’s like to speak in a tone appropriate for wife and kids.

Loud, sudden noises may be startling after months of listening to warfare.

It’s an adjustment for all of us to get used to each other again.

Communication

I need to communicate the changes that have occurred so he is up to speed and doesn’t feel too left out.

The kids and I have evolved and changed as a family, without him.

We have just grown. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.

There is bound to be some friction when he doesn’t realize we’re not the same as we were last year when he left.

The transition he will go through will be hard with the kids’ confusion and struggle for us all to be respectful of his loss.

He will have to make a big effort to catch up on all he can so he can feel a part of our family again.

Everyone will have to be patient and understanding.

I will do what I can to gently remind him of favorites and preferences – dishes, colors, seating arrangements, the one child who dislikes black pepper on her scrambled eggs.

And also gentle reminders for all of us to speak kindly, carefully, and softly.

Schedule

I’ve gone to bed whenever I’ve wanted, reading or watching shows, alone.

My schedule has revolved around the kids and our natural rhythms.

We will have to discover new rhythms, to include him in our lives again.

The kids will either want to overwhelm him by making up for all the lost time or ignore him completely because they learned to cope without him.

It will be very awkward at first, and maybe for a good long while as our schedules adjust.

Dinnertime will be different. I have to remember to make enough food, consider his preferences, and have it at an appropriate time for his schedule too.

The bed will suddenly get so much smaller, with two cats, my son who falls asleep as I read to him, and then – suddenly after a long absence – my husband. The cats are gonna be so mad. I’ll have to stay on my side again.

Adjustment

After the initial excitement of his return wears off, we have to make constant adjustments over the next few weeks.

We’ll get irritated with each other.

We can assume we’re just going to fall back into old patterns but that might not be best or desired. We may have forgotten each other’s bad habits during that rosy “heart grows fonder while he’s away” thing.

I’ll learn to rely on him again. I’ll ask him to take out the trash. I’ll expect him to help with the dishes and put his clothes in the laundry. I’ll want him to take the kids to events or accompany me.

We’ll try to slowly introduce him to our lives and interests. He will probably be exhausted from all the new information.

We need to take time to realize and decide who we want to be as a couple and family. We don’t necessarily want to fall into old patterns.

After a few weeks, we predict our lives will have improved due to this deployment as we all grew personally during this time apart.

He gets a little time off work to reintegrate and we all can take that time to get to know one another again.

There are mental health services for returning service members and their families who struggle with reintegration.

Resources:

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Stop Saying Sorry

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Do you find yourself saying sorry all the time?

Do you feel guilty, ashamed, or blamed for things beyond your control?

Research shows women apologize more frequently than men.

Saying sorry all the time can be a sign of anxiety, OCD, or abuse.

Saying sorry too often affects our relationships.

Girls constantly receive mixed messages:

  • Be confident, but not conceited
  • Be smart, but no one likes a know-it-all
  • Ambition is good, but trying too hard is bad
  • Be assertive, but only if it doesn’t upset anyone else

What are we teaching our children (and especially our daughters) when we say sorry all the time?

When an apology is warranted, of course it should be offered, but acting a victim and saying sorry for instances outside our control isn’t healthy.

There’s a big difference between a real apology and just saying sorry.

I am raising servant leaders and precision of language is important. We’re respectful but unapologetic when we express our needs.

I don’t want my kids to feel they have to be sorry for being who they are.

Stop Saying Sorry

Stop Saying Sorry…

Stop saying sorry for emotions.

Don’t say sorry for being sensitive, emotional, or passionate.

Stop saying sorry for getting angry.

Stop saying sorry about asking for help.

Stop saying sorry about speaking your mind.

Stop saying sorry for your past.

Stop saying sorry for telling the truth.

Stop saying sorry for being successful.

Feel.

Love.

Emote.

Express.

Be emotionally intelligent.

Stop saying sorry at home.

My house is messy and I won’t be sorry for it since we live here – all day, every day.

I don’t say sorry for asking my spouse or kids to contribute to our household care and cleaning.

I changed my language to be assertive and express my needs.

I am polite but firm when I request the dishwasher unloaded or laundry put away. I can’t and won’t do it all when we all must work together for a smooth-running household.

I stopped saying sorry for needing “me time.” Self-care is important and as an introvert, I need more alone time than the rest of my family members.

Stop saying sorry at church.

Sorry seems to be a very churchy word.

It doesn’t have to be. Change the narrative.

Empathize without using the word sorry.

When we hear bad news, we often automatically say, “I’m sorry.” We express sorrow and sympathy the way we have been conditioned. But we could use better precision of language than saying sorry for things totally beyond our control. When people confide bad news, by all means I sympathize and empathize, but I don’t have to apologize for it unless it is truly my fault.

I can tell someone that I understand (if I really do.) I can say, “That’s unfortunate.” or “That sucks.” Most people don’t want advice or to hear if I’m sorry; they just want me to listen.

When people ask me for something I can’t or don’t want to do, I don’t have to say a sorry no. No means no. I don’t have to offer an apology or explanation. I protect myself and my time.

Stop saying sorry socially.

As a large homeschooling family, we could do so many activities and attend so many field trips and classes, and get so over-involved – and never be home.

No means no. I am very careful about our time and how much we’re involved in. I say no often and unapologetically. I don’t have to offer reasons to anyone.

It’s easier to say no and change to a yes later than the other way around. People don’t handle disappointment well.

When my kids have a scheduling conflict, we all have to compromise. Someone has to arrive early or get picked up late so we all get to where we need to be.

Stop saying sorry at work.

Stop saying sorry for taking time to respond or to do a job well.

Stop saying sorry, even if you’re at fault for a mistake. Use better and more positive language.

I found myself saying “sorry” a lot, even for small errors or something that was completely out of my control, so turning regret into gratitude really helps. Not to mention keeps everything professional, neutral, and not off emotion. ~Maya

Alternatives to Saying Sorry at Work:

  • Thanks for flagging!
  • Good catch! I will make the updates/changes.
  • Many thanks for noticing the error, [name], we will [verb].
  • Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will [verb].
  • Thank you for clarifying.
  • Thanks for the nudge! (If you missed a previous email)
  • We appreciate your inputs; moving forward, we will [verb].
  • Thank you for your feedback; we will incorporate this into our process.

I used to get all prickly and sweaty and my stomach was in knots when I got emails citing any mistake, even if it wasn’t my fault. I recently tried this out in work emails a couple times and it worked like a charm! I feel more in control and not at all anxious. And I got lovely “thank you” replies from my colleagues.

And never, ever say sorry for asking for payment for your work. Bloggers, artists, and other creators should be compensated for their time and work.

Don’t make the kids say they’re sorry.

We’ve all been there. Maybe we’ve done this.

Kids do something thoughtless or even mean.

We expect them to be and say “sorry.” We want to teach manners and social acceptance.

Making kids say they’re sorry doesn’t teach them anything.

Making kids say they’re sorry is more about us than them.

What to do instead of making kids say they’re sorry?

  • Role model.
  • Affirm feelings.
  • Offer choices.
  • Let them work it out on their own.

Kids often empathize better than adults can. We can learn from them!

Sorry is an overused word and doesn’t even mean what it should most of the time.

I’m a firm believer of saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

How often do you say sorry when you don’t have to?

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Making Sense of It Book Review

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Making Sense of “It” by Alison Macklin is a new guide to help you navigate sex ed with your kids.

Sex is an uncomfortable topic for many and this book offers a great outline of what and how to discuss various topics surrounding sexuality with our children.

My Review

I learned about sex in school. The very basics with a little film strip in 5th grade. And health class in 9th grade—anatomy, STIs, and pregnancy – from the football coach!

Our kids have lots of questions about sex.

It’s up to me as a parent to be available to answer questions and even initiate a conversation about sex.

What about masturbation? Is it ok to have sexual fantasies? What about kissing, blowjobs, or taking The Pill? If you touch someone’s penis, can you get pregnant? If you douche after sex, you won’t get pregnant…right? Is porn ever ok?

Making Sense of “It” goes beyond the basics of the birds and the bees to give teens a realistic, no-holds barred, nonjudgmental guide on everything having to do with sex and sexuality. With this book, teens can learn about “it” all from the best contraception methods to what to expect at a clinic, even to the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

In a world where teens are bombarded with bad information on social media, are meant to feel ashamed of something so natural, Making Sense of “It” counters that with trustworthy, gender-neutral advice on how to be safe, informed, and honest about “it.”

I want my kids to have healthy relationships and that includes a healthy sexuality. We don’t buy into the evangelical purity movement. I want my kids to have real information and I have to feel comfortable talking about it and answering the hard questions. If I don’t help my kids navigate through these waters, they will Google it, ask their peers, or find the information they seek somewhere and it might not be the best answer.

This book may not be for everyone but these topics come up more and more – on social media, in classrooms, at college, in youth group, Sunday school, the playground. I want my kids to have a good, healthy foundation about their personal values before they are bombarded with uncomfortable circumstances.

I like the conversation starters at the end of each chapter. They can be used as an outright script, or as a journaling activity, or as a casual conversation.

The introduction is entitled “Dear Teen” and it is perfect.

Nineteen chapters cover most sexual topics in this 2018 climate. The last chapter offers resources for more info.

I feel this is a book that should be introduced to tweens and revisited often with teens by parents, keeping an open conversation throughout the growing years.

It’s important to discuss healthy relationships when so few of my generation had a model or knows how.

About the Book

  • Go-to introductory resource on sex ed for teens, college students, parents, educators, social workers, and health professionals.
  • Can be read separately or together as a family to meet everyone’s different needs.
  • Includes helpful sections specifically written for parents and teens to help break the ice and foster mutual understanding.
  • Conversation starters (a list of suggested questions for teens and parents) accompany each chapter to keep the conversation going and to foster connections on a more meaningful level.
  • Includes “fun facts” throughout the book that delve more deeply into certain topics like average penis sizes, female ejaculation, and the need for regular STI screenings.
  • Covers many different topics not often covered in health class/sex ed:
    • the human brain in relation to sex and puberty,
    • defining sexuality,
    • the need for human touch,
    • sexual identity and orientation,
    • gender roles,
    • feeling horny,
    • various levels of “risk” in sexual behaviors, and
    • signs of healthy and negative relationships.
  • Also touches upon more progressive and sex-positive topics like:
    • consent culture,
    • sex toys, fetishes, and fantasies,
    • pornography,
    • choosing when to become sexually active,
    • tactics to improve communication with sexual (current or potential) partners,
    • how to get help and be an active bystander when witnessing sexual harassment and assault, and
    • abortion.

About the Author

Alison Macklin has been with the Responsible Sex Education Institute at the Planned Parenthood of the Rocky Mountains (PPRM) for over fourteen years and is currently Vice President of Education and Innovation. Macklin is an award-winning, nationally recognized leader in sex education and holds a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Denver. She is a mother of two who lives in Colorado.

Praise for the Book

“Kudos to Alison Macklin for creating a book to help parents and teens talk more honestly and frequently about sex and sexuality. This fun, up to date, accurate, and easy-to-understand guide will help families to connect more about these absolutely critical issues.”
— Leslie M. Kantor, PhD, MPH, Vice President, Education, Planned Parenthood Federation of America

“Making Sense if ‘It’ is the Our Bodies, Our Selves for today: comprehensive, unbiased, medically accurate, and respectful. This should be on the bookshelf and nightstand of every household so that caregivers and youth alike can read it, discuss it, and learn from it.”
— Pat Paluzzi, DrPH, CNM, President and CEO Healthy Teen Network

“This book is a must read for all teenagers and parents of teens, about a subject that is often hard to talk about: sex. Author Alison Macklin gives great, practical, actionable advice on how to keep communication open and honest.”
— Jason Woods MD, Assistant Professor of Pediatrics, creator of Little Patients, Big Medicine

“I loved it! Alison Macklin offers teen readers honest, engaging, and at times humorous information about puberty, sex and sexuality. The book is chock-full of useful suggestions for parents as well, providing tips to start conversations with their teens and keep the lines of communication open during the sometimes bumpy road through puberty and adolescence.”
— Debra Hauser, President of Advocates for Youth

“This book provides excellent information about sexual health and important advice for staying healthy and having good relationships. The overview of sex and sexuality will be extremely useful for teens and parents alike.”
— Connie Newman, MD Adjunct Professor of Medicine, New York University School of Medicine, and President 2018-2019 American Medical Women’s Association

“In this rapidly changing world of sexuality, gender and relationships Alison Macklin’s new book is just the resource teens need be ready for the wonderful world of sex and relationships. With her smarts, experience, and guidance, teens of all genders and orientations will get just what they need to make great choices.”
— Amy Lang, MA, founder Birds & Bees & Kids and author, Dating Smarts – What Every Teen Needs to Date, Relate or Wait!

Book Trailer:

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How to Apologize

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It seems that lots of people say sorry, but they really mean “sorry, not sorry.” It’s like a bad joke, but so many people don’t know how to properly apologize. Or they don’t want to or care to make amends in their relationships. That’s just selfish.They blame others. They don’t accept responsibility for doing anything wrong. They actually blame their victims. There’s a lack of empathy.

Victims can’t accept a flippant “sorry” when they need a heartfelt apology.

And the accusers wonder why everyone is so angry.

We seem to live in a society of anger and unforgiveness. There’s little empathy.

Nobody is perfect. We make mistakes. We act stupid. We say dumb things in mean ways.

We need healthy relationships to be happy and that means we apologize when we do wrong and make amends.

Too many of us never learned how to apologize.

We would screw up and our parents or teachers or whatever authority would threaten us and make us say, “Sorry.” It didn’t matter if we meant it. As long as we said it, there were few or no consequences.

So we never learned how to apologize. We never learned the difference between sorry and a real apology. We didn’t learn well enough the concepts of empathy or right from wrong. We might not have learned self-control. We might not have learned cause and effect.

We struggle or fail in our relationships now.

But there are consequences. Eventually, the heart hardens and realizes sorry isn’t good enough.

Broken promises, lying, cheating, the cycles of abuse…

Our society has become numb to sorry.

What is sorry?

Feeling distress, compassion, regret, penitence, guilt, sympathy, pity.

“I’m sorry” is only appropriate when no one is really at fault and there aren’t any reparations.

We say it when we accidentally brush up against someone in a crowded store. We say it when we arrive a few minutes late. “Sorry, please excuse me.”

We also say it to express empathy when something bad has happened and there are no other words that make sense: “I’m sorry for your loss.”

We say it when we didn’t hear or understand: “Sorry, could you repeat that?”

What is an apology?

It’s a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

It’s more than just saying “I’m sorry.”

It’s more than regret over getting caught doing something wrong.

It’s realizing there was an offense.

It’s recognizing guilt, repenting, and expressing grief over the affront to another.

An object lesson:

Throw a dish to the ground.

Did it break?

Now, tell it you’re sorry.

Is it the same as it was?

Do you understand now?

Don’t make the kids say they’re sorry.

We’ve all been there. Maybe we’ve done this.

Kids do something thoughtless or even mean.

We expect them to be and say “sorry.” We want to teach manners and social acceptance.

Making kids say they’re sorry doesn’t teach them anything.

Making kids say they’re sorry is more about us than them.

What to do instead of making kids say they’re sorry?

  • Role model.
  • Affirm feelings.
  • Offer choices.
  • Let them work it out on their own.

How to apologize:

A real apology shows remorse, accepts responsibility, expresses empathy, asks forgiveness, and makes reparation.

Accidents happen. We speak harshly. We hurt those we love most. We forget important events. We are too often thoughtless.

Apologizing sincerely and completely helps to show how important relationships are to us and helps us to heal our hurts and prevent new harm.

Remorse

This is regret over a wrongdoing. It’s the first step in an apology. It’s more than just a quick “I’m sorry” and wanting to hurriedly move on.

Too many never get to the other stages of apology, remaining stuck here and getting angry at the victim for being upset for desiring more closure.

Responsibility

The apologizer must accept responsibility for a wrong committed. A victim must hear and understand the sincerity of the person expressing fault. It’s never comfortable, but it is very necessary.

Empathy

This is expressing understanding of another’s feelings. To realize that the victim is hurt by one’s actions or words is an important step in a real apology. Many scoff at apologies, using sarcasm or gaslighting techniques to minimize feelings and reactions. This is harmful and shatters relationships.

Forgiveness

It’s important to forgive to complete the closure process when one is hurt. This is seldom an instant feeling or action. A victim must feel safe and realize the sincerity of the apologizer not to repeat the words or actions. Sometimes, praying together helps healing.

Reparation

Sometimes, there is nothing that can make it right. Words can’t be taken back. Actions remain a vivid memory. True repentance is important. It’s more than flowers and chocolates to get out of the doghouse. It takes lots of work – daily, hourly, every minute – showing love and desire to heal relationships.

A genuine apology should say: “I realize and regret that I did or said {this} wrong. I validate your feelings about it. I won’t do it again. Please forgive me. How can I make it right?”

A great way to remember how to apologize is the PANDA method.

The best apology is changed behavior.

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5 Ways to Cultivate Relationships Over Stuff

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I have decided not to give our kids lots of presents.

My husband and I have long not given presents to each other to save money and to reduce clutter and stress. I want to reduce the quantity of presents on birthdays and Christmas.

For years, I said we would downsize Christmas and birthday present piles. Yet, I would weaken and buy stuff anyway.

Having four kids is expensive, and it’s hard to be fair and equal and equitable with different ages and interests.

And I have issues with stuff. I feel less than and so bought more to combat those feelings.

I loathe the expectations and inevitable disappointment.

We moved to Germany. We purged and sold loads of stuff before moving. I have no desire to re-clutter. We had little storage.

We purged again when we moved to Ohio.

I feel that having too much stuff is the root of discontent.

And I’m really tired of arguing about the cleaning up and the putting away.

So, again a great purge.

I’m being very intentional and proactive about what I purchase for our homeschool and for the kids to play with. Mostly, if we get something new, something old has to go.

I don’t really want underneath the Christmas tree to be empty or the birthday child to wake up with nothing to unwrap.

I just want those special days to be about more than stuff.

Because holidays should not be about stuff. Birthdays should celebrate the child. Thanksgiving should celebrate gratitude. Christmas should celebrate Jesus and love.

Celebrations should center on relationships.

(And food.)

I want to make memories with my kids and teach them the value of family.

I have lovely recollections of family gatherings, and since my kids live far from any extended family, I want to cultivate a loving home atmosphere with our little circle of six.

As with any worldly thing taken away, it should be replaced with a meaningful option.

Our goal is to be debt-free and Christmas is no exception.

When we lived in Germany, we traveled every Thanksgiving (Prague and Porto and Venice!) and Christmas (Rome!) and during birthday weeks. It was convenient and usually not very crowded, so we took advantage of these opportunities. It became a new tradition.

Now, we’re back in the States, in Ohio. And we have to reinvent our priorities again.

5 ways we cultivate relationships over stuff:

  1. Cooking and eating special meals together as a family, passing down fun recipes.
  2. Focusing on serving others instead of ourselves by donating our time and money.
  3. Attending religious services to worship, sing, celebrate, and fellowship.
  4. Creating new traditions for our family to promote togetherness, such as board game nights and movie nights, as well as nightly read alouds all year round.
  5. Making gratitude a lifestyle and teaching our kids how to be thankful for everything that comes from the Lord and content in all things.

Yes, this is difficult and I’m a work in progress!

We try to overcome the obstacles to being frugal or debt-free during holidays.

We read and worship through Advent. We learn about and celebrate the feast of Saint Nicholas. We don’t do Santa Claus. See how we celebrate a Christian Hanukkah!

I participate or lead a Blue Christmas service.

We read lots of Christmas and holiday books.

For us, books and apps and travel are great presents. We can never have too many books! The kids love educational apps on their iPads, and as they grow in knowledge and understanding, they need more mature learning games to replace the old games they’ve outgrown.

I only buy clothes as needed or when I find a great deal and know it will be needed soon. We don’t have too much storage for handmedowns.

I’ve never seen kids so excited about socks in my life, y’all.

I’d rather make travel memories with my kids than buy stuff that gets stuffed in a dresser or collects dust on a shelf. We’re trying to be minimalist and I hate dusting.

Presents are not the focus of our celebrations.

Guide for gift-giving:

  • Something they Want
  • Something to Wear
  • Something they Need
  • Something to Read

I like these simple wish lists and these printable wish lists to help kids focus on what’s important.

How do you focus on relationships instead of gifts during the holidays?

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In the Middle

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What to do with that middle schooler…junior high girl…lost child… between childhood and adulthood?

Our society pushes these girls to grow up way too soon. We see the shocking scenes in the media that many in our society deem “normal.”

Young girls mimic this media and some are desensitized while others think it’s nothing to worry about.

And we still have the “boys will be boys” mentality in our western society.

There’s a double standard.

I say that it’s not normal and there’s no such thing as this Western adolescent mentality – other than the biological changes. And I’ve got an oil for that.

Why shouldn’t she still be that same sweet little girl who holds your hand while shopping and tells you her dreams before bed? Our society says that it’s acceptable and expected for tweens and teens to be belligerent and defiant. Why? It’s just another lie from the devil that divides families. And it’s starting younger and younger.

When I was a girl, we went from child to junior to adult clothing. There were no tween lines of clothing in stores encouraging girls to look older than they are. We should not have little girls wearing makeup and high heels and leather and making “come hither” looks at boys. It used to be just certain high-end clothing catalogs, but I’ve seen it recently in department store Sunday ad inserts. I’ve seen little girls in church wearing stripper clothes. It’s getting closer and closer to what everyone considers “normal.” My husband is disturbed by seeing girls when he can’t tell if they’re 12 or 25 in age. I wonder what high school and college boys think!

What will my son think?

What does Jesus think?

It’s about more than modesty.

Do we want our daughters to be sex symbols or admired for their minds, hearts, souls?

I often have to shop in the boys’ department for my daughters. They like to be comfortable and covered up. They don’t like the low waist super skinny jeans and short shorts. They don’t like leggings as pants. They like the wider longer cut of the Tshirts in the boys’ dept.

Even in the Christian world, we compromise values to fit in with the world. Society says to protect with vaccinations against STD’s and with contraceptive devices instead of discipling and educating in the Word. The devil and the world want us to think that’s it’s hopeless for anyone to wait until marriage to have sex.

And it’s not just about the act of sex. It’s about the intimacy, the tearing apart of a soul who is too young to understand what she’s doing to herself, what regrets she will have later.

God spoke to me recently through this song The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.

When I researched it, the video (while inappropriate for kids) is quite powerful about peer pressure.

So, what did God say to me?

I’m so glad you asked.

That gorgeous girl in the video with the cross necklace represents compromised Christians. These kids are lost. Their faith isn’t strong enough; their foundation is shaky; they are weak; they have no good Christian role models. They struggle with living in the world and can’t stand strong against the pressures to fit in.

…for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me… ~2 Timothy 4:10a

I knew girls like that when I was in school. I didn’t understand it, but I knew I wanted no part of it. Those “Sunday Christians” didn’t appeal to me, but I didn’t know why yet. They have that appearance of being Christian, but they go the way of the world.

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? ~Matthew 16:26

God had His finger on me, but it was many years before I knew it.

Those two kids who almost compromise? They realize their potential mistake just in time and support one another. They have the victory.

I pray that our children can fight the temptations of this world and have the victory.

It begins at home with fervent prayer as parents.

I recently met a kindred spirit in an Air Force chaplain’s wife. Jean told me they have three wonderful children whom they successfully raised for the Lord. They just dropped off their youngest, a son, at his freshman dorm to begin college. They are officially empty nesters. Their daughters, aged 25 and 23, are still virgins and are engaged to be married (or so close they can taste it) to wonderful Christian young men. Praise God for that testimony as a mama!

It is possible! I pray that I have that kind of success raising my children to further the Kingdom of God.

Who do you want teaching your kids about sex?

Culture? School? Lady Gaga? Miley Cyrus? Their friends? Do you trust your church to teach them?

Or you as a parent?

I know which I choose.

Yes, it’s hard!

I choose to teach my children about relationships.

Is it time for THE TALK?

Having THE TALK.

We don’t teach PURITY.

I actively teach my young son to respect me, his sisters, and all other females. It’s not enough to wait until he’s a teen and has been influenced by so many others.

Resources for Discipling Daughters:

“Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you…”

Be strong.

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What If I Don’t Have Friends?

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I don’t have any friends.

Maybe you can relate?

Come to think of it, I’ve never really had any real friends. I had lot of acquaintances because we were thrown together by similar circumstances – school classes, playing in the neighborhood after school, working…

My parents didn’t feel that it was important to teach me how to cultivate healthy friend relationships. They didn’t and don’t have any friends either.

Most of the “friends” I had while growing up destroyed their lives with drugs, sex, and other bad habits – during and after high school. I focused on my education and earned my Master’s degree, despite trying to fit into that destructive world. I guess I just compartmentalized well. While we all grew apart and I lost touch with them, I matured and was able to put the broken pieces of my life back together. Then there was no place for us in each other’s lives anymore.

Perhaps, being an only child and comfortable with myself, I exude a lack of need for others. I’m confident and naturally a leader. I’ve been told I’m intimidating. I had RBF before I even knew it’s a thing.

Some of it is surely my INTJ personality. I’m also a 1/5 Enneagram. I’m a loner.

Here are a few articles that confirm this: Intimidating and no BFFs. What’s it’s like being an introvert. And it’s not my problem if you don’t get me.

But now, as a mom with four children whom I feel that I need to teach how to make and keep friends and be friendly, it feels like a weakness that I have no friends.

All the shallow efforts I have wasted over the years…my entire lifetime! Feeling like a Molly Ringwald movies…and watching my kids go through the same things.

Unfortunately, sometimes friends aren’t really friends.

Here’s some history:

The mommy peer pressure is just too much.

I wish I had back all the money I blew through trying to keep up with mommy “friends.”

I should’ve remembered how I felt during Rush Week at university. I have to pay how much to be in a stupid sorority with girls I don’t even like? I remember one girl in a red dress (they were all wearing red dresses!) asked me what I liked to do. I told her, “I like to read.” She beamed a huge smile at me and gushed, “Oh, I love to read too! My favorite author is Danielle Steel.” I froze in horror and gave up on sororities. Money doesn’t buy friends.

I’m pretty simple, low-maintenance.

I’d rather wear Levi’s jeans, a 3/4-sleeve T-shirt, and TOMS – than trendy heels and designer clothes with a bunch of coordinating accessories. I like to be comfortable. I have no one to impress.

I’m an Air Force wife. I grew up an Army brat. Several officers’ wives made me feel less-than during our first few years of marriage.

We were pretty isolated, with no family nearby. We had little in common with my husband’s work peers.

So, I completely bought into their attitude of needing more stuff, wearing more jewelry, having the right purses, getting my hair and nails done, hiring a nanny and babysitters so I could go to OSC meetings and socialize.

I was told it would help my husband’s career. Because, you know, that’s my sole worth.

I tried to fit in, believing what those wives told me.

It wasn’t worth it.

I was miserable.

I lost at least three years striving after these unnecessary things.

Three years of putting my babies after my “needs.”

It shouldn’t matter what I look like. I don’t need name-brand makeup, trendy accessories, expensive hair highlights, or fake nails to be a good wife or mom.

No one cares what brand of shoes or purses I have. (If they do care about that, they’re not someone I want to be around.)

My kids don’t care what kind of car I drive. We had our Dodge minivan for almost 10 years and just recently traded it in for a newer model after it started really falling apart and I just couldn’t take it anymore. We’re down to one vehicle next month.

And then, I tried again with a different group of moms when we PCSed to a different base. Failed again. I give up with that whole group idea.

That time at playgroup when one mom with a Pottery Barn-decorated home was begging for sympathy about her mistake of giving her infant 2nd degree burns when she spilled her hot tea on him, but then she then scowled at me so superior and announced to everyone present that she would never leave a 10-year-old child alone.

I never went back to playgroup. I didn’t even know what to say to all that judgment.

When I’ve attended homeschool park or gym time, the other moms barely smile in my direction and never speak to me. They are shielded by their children. The moms of babies and toddlers huddle together. My kids are older now. My teen doesn’t come to park or gym day anymore, so I encourage my younger three to play while I sit on the sidelines with a book, and they stay close together, protecting each other from too many kids who don’t seem to know how to be kind or cooperative. Some moms feel the need to control gym time and organize relays and my kids don’t like that, so we haven’t gone back for a couple weeks.

I’ve analyzed my priorities.

We are hospitable. We have hosted gatherings for church and homeschool, neighbors and coworkers, without ever expecting reciprocation. We’ve sat in an empty house, waiting excitedly for anyone to show up to dinner and birthday parties, because apparently no one RSVPs anymore. I’m tired of stressing out and making so much effort for nothing.

It’s easier for me to be alone than to settle. Recently, the political climate has really brought the negativity out into the open and I have retreated further into my shell to avoid it.

If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. John 15:19

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

I dislike the position I always seem to find myself in when I’m in a group. No matter with whom and where, I get placed into teacher mode. People ask for advice, question me, talk about their health and troubles. I don’t understand it and it’s exhausting. While I loathe small talk, I also get drained by constantly being bombarded like this.

I don’t have a niche.

There is no village.

I’ve never had a group of friends.

I was a quiet loner all throughout school, crying myself to sleep because I didn’t have any friends. I was never picked by Karen (always the mom) to play house. The boys wouldn’t let me play Legos. I seldom went to birthday parties or sleepovers. Few kids ever came to my house for anything, even when I invited the whole class for my birthday. My mom was the room mom, making the crafts and planning the events and doing the story time. I was never successful at sports, much to my dad’s disappointment.

Lots of kids seemed to fit in, having their niche with no effort.

I told myself that I would blossom when I got older and finally find others who shared my interests and values.

High school was a social nightmare.

College was all go, go, go – working fulltime and classes fulltime and then mental breakdown and near death.

Almost ten years of destructive behaviors.

I didn’t fit in there either. Thank God.

I’m older now, and it all seems even more distant than ever.

My teen daughter can’t find her niche  either and she blames me.

She’s my opposite, never meeting a stranger, always friendly and can talk to anyone about anything. But I’ve made her cynical and over-analytical.

Part of me wants to apologize and make amends…and another part of me wants to rage against the system.

We’re transient as a military family. We’ve lived all over for 2-4 years at a time and that makes it difficult to create lasting friendships.

We’re almost used to the plethora of well-meaning, almost-interested barrage of questions and then the blank stares and uncomfortable smiles that don’t reach their eyes as people realize we’ve lived in Hawaii and Germany and Utah. That we’ve traveled all over.

They can’t relate. We can’t relate to the experience of living in the same town for 27 years.

I don’t want someone to mooch off me, either physically or emotionally. I’m not a therapist and while I love to listen and counsel, it gets draining when all someone wants to do is whine and complain all the time. I don’t want to be a babysitter to your kids so you can run off and play, neglecting your duties to your family.

Why can’t I find my place?

I’ve read so many books and blogs and articles about “how to find my tribe.” (BTW, the word tribe is offensive to Native Peoples.)

The authors make it sound so simple. Because for them, it was simple. Which makes me further feel that there’s something wrong with me.

I loathe these trite calls to action about finding my purpose.

There are even online quizzes on finding a niche or purpose.

I’ve been hurt. Yes, I’ve been bullied. Yes, my heart has been hardened.

Yet, I keep trying.

“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” ~ Ross Caligiuri, Dreaming in the Shadows

Why don’t I have a group?

I filter my relationships.

People have an obsession with never being at home.

For whatever reason, modern moms feel the need to spend all their time away from home, whether it’s at a paying job, volunteering, social outings, or shopping.

They teach their kids that this is normal by throwing them into every activity they can sign them up for so they’re never home either.

These moms and their kids are all so busy all the time.

We were excluded at our last church because we didn’t participate in Scouts or game hunting. Some of the older lady members excluded me because they assumed and didn’t trust that I could cook for potlucks or plan anything well. So welcoming. Neither my husband nor I are ever asked to be in leadership because it is well-known we move every few years and the terms are usually 3 years.

The older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children,  to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good… Titus 2:4-5, emphasis mine

Then they complain about their busyness and get sympathetic nods and duck faces from other “busy” moms.

So much for any idea of planning a park meetup or play date or just hanging out for coffee or tea.

Their kids are in school all day, then every afternoon it’s something: Scouts, violin lessons, golf clinic, French tutoring, swim team, gymnastics, or dance.

Even the homeschoolers: they send their kids to enrichment classes or co-op or partial days and extracurriculars at the public school, and it’s the same thing in the afternoons: Scouts, music, language, sports, clubs, lessons.

It’s not worth it to me if you have to schedule a play date or social event with me or my family months in advance. Or cancel at the last minute.

There’s no spontaneity anymore.

People have an obsession with entertainment.

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life —is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1 John 2:15-17

If people aren’t rushing around, going places, and doing things, they’re pursuing mindless entertainment.

What is with these adult coloring books? Is it a cry for help that people are so stressed they need to resort to that comforting hobby we had as kids? The “shut up and color” mentality is killing our creativity. Or is that no one wants to be a responsible adult, so they try to prolong the illusion of childhood by coloring and avoiding?

And what is with these coloring and journaling Bibles? It’s not enough to just read and apply the teachings of the Bible? I’m so tired of seeing all this advertised and bragged about on social media.

I don’t watch the same TV shows or read the same books. I have higher standards. Much of what is popular is just garbage.

We don’t do amusement parks. We just don’t waste our time and money on that. Yeah, I don’t do Disney. That’s an unpopular idea.

I couldn’t care less about sports.

Leisure activities are idols.

I don’t understand the itching to throw the kids into a preschool in order to “socialize” them and “have more time to yourself.” To do what, exactly? I know so many women who have no self-worth as a mother. They get rid of their kids to pursue their own selfish interests.

We don’t spend our money on much entertainment. We travel frequently and eat well at home and seldom buy “stuff.”

Our entertainment: museums, history, culture, cuisine.

I don’t know what to do with people who don’t read or travel.

People have an obsession with food.

Why do so many American women have thyroid issues? Why do so many Americans have weight problems? I think many health and personal problems are exacerbated by eating out in fast food and casual dining restaurants. The quality and nutrition of the food are poor.

Food is an idol for many.

We don’t like fast food or takeout at home either. It helps that we’re a long way from the nearest restaurants. The food would be all cold by the time we got it home anyway.

We cook from scratch almost all the time. I prefer to know exactly what we are ingesting.

I don’t want to go out to eat.

We seldom go out to eat. It’s expensive and the food is seldom worth it. It’s more stress for me to get myself and the kids dressed and out the door, wait at a restaurant, potentially have a rude server or a mistake on my order than to prepare healthy, yummy meals at home. We don’t even really like to eat out on special occasions. We occasionally go out when we travel, but we are very picky and it’s usually just for lunch in order to save money and leave behind the crowds. I read reviews and have a few favorites around the world.

Our kids often get interrogated at church or homeschool events about their food choices. My kids choose for themselves what to eat and drink, based on our conversations and education at home. I don’t interrogate others about their choices, good or bad, but these people argue with us about what we eat or don’t eat!

One local American homeschool mom hasn’t spoken to me since I explained my stance on eating out. For them, it’s entertainment, and that’s their choice.

People have their heads in the sand.

Few people I try to converse with have any real knowledge or understanding of government, popular culture, political issues, history, the arts, classic literature, or anything I feel is important.

Many people don’t even know basic geography.

Too many people get their news from social media and we should all know that all media is biased and tells us only what they want us to know.

I don’t care for small talk.

The last few months leading up to and after the presidential election has brought the crazies out of the woodworks. What before was taboo to be said out loud is now being shouted at strangers on the stree and written loud and proud on social media. We always knew there were people with these views, but to witness it and have to explain the hatred to our children is saddening.

If we stand by, silent, doing nothing, then we are part of the problem.

I don’t have time for shallow people with bigoted or ignorant views.

I feel like a minority.

I’m embarrassed to be white. I’m embarrassed to be American. I’m embarrassed to be middle class. All throughout history, those two things have been signs of forced superiority and it disgusts me that others look at me and don’t really see me, but only see my skin and nationality and assume the worst. We’ve traveled and the attitudes people have about Americans is troubling to me. We’re not all like Fox News portrays!

As a Christian, I often feel looked down on because of my faith. What bewilders me is when other Christians criticize and judge. Their lack of love and knowledge of Jesus saddens me. They too often compromise and have little integrity. I don’t want to have to explain away some Christians’ behavior and life choices to my children. Many of my husband’s co-workers and homeschool moms in our community are shocked that I allow my 16-year-old to read Stephen King novels, watch R-rated movies, get a tattoo, nose and belly button piercings.

They don’t like how I allow my children freedom to learn without grades, without punishments or rewards, with no strict standards. They are bewildered.

How is it any of their business? They feel threatened somehow.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? Matthew 16:26

As a homeschool mom, I am seldom sought out for friendship by parents whose kids attend school. We might have some things in common, but I wouldn’t know. I understand that I’m usually not free during the day since I’m educating my kids, but there are other times and exceptions. Even in the homeschool community, I don’t have much in common with others because we educate and parent very differently than mainstream families. I have four kids – currently ages 6 (my only son), 9, 10, and 16. I feel discounted by those who don’t have the same or similar family dynamics. People seem indoctrinated and comfortable in sexism and ageism belief systems. There are lots of specific playgroups planned lately, like “8 year old boys.” Why so much exclusion? We’re pretty laid back, don’t do testing, have no real schedule, have a varied curricula, learn year-round. People seem shocked at the things I don’t do.

As a military spouse, we move around a lot and I think many people don’t want to bother investing time in a friendship that might end when we move away. Even with social media to keep in touch easily. And a family we thought were our friends at our last location visited our new city for an entire week and did not even want to meet up to say hi or have a drink or meal together. It was hurtful. And I don’t play Bunko or care about Coach purses.

I have boundaries.

When someone sees the same people every day, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own. ~ Paulo Coelho

I’ve lost several friends the last few years because I have boundaries for myself and my family.

Some people were passive-aggressive and unfriended me on Facebook while still seeing me at social functions or even at church weekly. Classy. Mature.

I don’t have many personal contacts on social media. I have extended family and a few people I’ve known since I was very young. Many of them I’ve unfollowed. I don’t want to see what they post. I don’t post much at all. I’m private. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to the world by having 5,000 “friends” on Facebook. I don’t get the trend of friending everyone, even if you’ve never met IRL. It makes no sense to me to be confronted in a public place for not accepting a “friend request.” I actually have only about 30 friends and they’re my family members, a few friends, and past students. It’s a personal choice. Follow my public Facebook page.

I am not responsible for solving people’s personal problems or to reconcile adults who quarrel with each other. I don’t want to be in the middle of any of that. Group chats are not for me. Any emails where people feel the need to “reply all” with ridiculous and childish comments is not anything I want to be involved in.

I protect my children from bullies and especially adults who disrespect children. I don’t want us to be around that kind of negativity.

I have even flat out been told that I am overconfident and too much of a leader and unapproachable and that they are jealous of my abilities. Sorry, not sorry.

I am confident in my life decisions and daily challenges and I won’t apologize for that. I don’t need random affirmation from strangers or acquaintances. I’m not a whiner.

It’s exhausting to “play the game” at social events.

I seldom attend work parties with my husband. The plastered-on fake smiles that don’t reach the eyes, the weak drinks in sweaty palms, the tasteless overcooked food. Networking? Helping my husband’s career? No one cares if I’m there or not. They don’t even notice.

I don’t like the unorganized homeschool holiday or theme parties. My kids have actually requested not to attend anymore.

We don’t attend the church potlucks where we try to guess what’s in this or that and our kids get interrogated about why they won’t eat Cheetos or drink Hawaiian Punch.

I have a couple of friends with whom I interact mostly online. I have actually met them IRL and I think the distance helps us not to irritate each other unnecessarily. I ignore it when they actually want to speak on the telephone or anything like that. We mostly send memes back and forth. Is that all friendship has become?

I can play the game. I don’t have anxiety. But it’s all so stressful.

I just a really great intellectual conversation with my optometrist. I guess I’m a loser.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Surely, it can’t all be my fault?

Is it pride? What’s wrong with me? Do I have a superiority complex?

We have a family joke that I am sad to say my kids are picking up on: I must just be a deterrent to people, like a magnet repelling everyone. All the memes about being introverted and sarcastic and anti-social? I guess those are about me.

Yes, I know the old adage of “to have a friend, be a friend.” After 40+ years of effort, it gets tiresome to constantly get alienated, ridiculed, passed over, uninvited.

All this being said, it’s sad to have only shallow relationships, acquaintances online, to be a stranger within a community, with only passing hellos and little waves as greetings.

I don’t really like feeling like I’m always on the outside, looking in, but it’s always been this way.

Be careful how far you push me away; I may end up liking it there.

People don’t value real friendships much anymore. The Internet is a surrogate for real social interaction.

I’ve scrutinized my circumstances, attitude, conversations, facial expressions (I do not have a poker face!), body language, triggers, past relationships…and I do make effort to be kind and courteous and friendly to people. With little or no return.

I try to offer grace and compassion to others. I know we are all sinners. I know I am imperfect as well.

I have my husband, children, and Jesus.

So, I use the time that could be taken up with “friends” to focus on our family’s priorities: traveling, cooking, bird watching, gardening, reading, homeschooling, studying scripture and Bible history, traveling, learning about the topics we enjoy.

Perhaps this is a season that will pass. Maybe it’s a stepping stone to somewhere else.

Maybe this is who I am and where I should be. I don’t like the us vs. them mentality. I’m in my second season of life and feel like I’m surrounded by immaturity.

People like me don’t have people. We are the people that people have.

Do you feel you have a lot of real friends?

Do you think social media is a detriment to friendships?

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