Why can’t children have preferences?

Why won’t adults respect a child’s preferences?

Why can adults have preferences and no one bats an eye?

I’m sure you have strong preferences for some things and you won’t budge on them. Do you sneer at a child’s preferences?

The child who is 100% obedient is not socialised. As great as we think it might be to have our children do as we say without question, it isn’t. We don’t want to raise our children so that they don’t question things. That’s “sheep farming,” not parenting.

Pennie Brownlee

Children aren’t treated like people.

Coercion is about control.

I overhear parents with their kids at sports practices and games, restaurants, medical waiting rooms, and parks. I’m often horrified at how parents speak to their children. They don’t talk to their spouses or other adults that way!

I know which of my children prefers broccoli over carrots. I know who doesn’t like pork and black pepper. I know which colors they like. I know their favorite cups and plates.

I respect them.

A child treated with respect won’t have to spend their adulthood learning they are worthy of it.

A. Simeone

No one expects me to eat something I don’t like. No one ridicules or cajoles me to “try just a bite.” No one expects me to wear a yellow shirt, even if it was a gift. I don’t think I look good in yellow. I’m an adult and I won’t tolerate being treated like that. How would I talk down to a child like that?

I listen.

There’s really no such thing as the “voiceless.” There are only the deliberately silenced, or the preferably unheard.

Arundhati Roy

We work together.

Family dynamics can sometimes be difficult with six individual people.

While respect works best from the beginning, when children are very young, it’s not too late to make amends with older kids and teens.

Parenting Styles

Early work by Baldwin and colleagues (Baldwin, Kalhoun, & Breese,
1945) proposed three styles of parenting: democratic, authoritarian, and laissez-faire.

Williams (1958) created the dual axes and Straus (1964) introduced the four quadrants. Shaefer (1965) expanded on the details.

There are Five Parenting Styles based on the Olson Circumplex Model (2011): Balanced, Uninvolved, Permissive, Strict, Overbearing.

Diana Baumrind created a commonly-referenced categorization of three parenting styles in the 1960s and expanded in the 1980s and again recently.

In the early 1980s, Baumrind’s parenting style model based on Hegel was expanded using a two-dimensional framework parental responsiveness and parental demandingness by researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. They further fleshed out Baumrind’s permissive parenting to create a separate offshoot — uninvolved parenting, also known as neglectful parenting.

1. Authoritarian Parenting is defined as the adult gets their needs met at the expense of the child. (Parent gets their way. Strict and harsh.)
2. Authoritative Parenting is defined as responsive to the child’s needs while maintaining limits and consistency in enforcing boundaries. Consistency.
3. Permissive Parenting is defined as the child gets their needs met at the expense of the parent. (Child gets their way. Parent doesn’t say no.)
4. Uninvolved Parenting is defined indifferent to children’s needs and uninvolved in their lives. Neglect.

Baumrind’s (2013) typology has come to include seven parenting styles:

1. authoritarian (low responsiveness, high demandingness),
2. authoritative (high responsiveness, high demandingness),
3. disengaged (low responsiveness, low demandingness),
4. permissive (high responsiveness, low demandingness),
5. directive (average responsiveness, high demandingness),
6. good enough (average responsiveness, average demandingness), and
7. democratic (high responsiveness, average demandingness).

Dr. John Gottman performed a detailed laboratory examination of children whose parents interacted with their emotions in various styles. The research identified four “types” of parents that reflected parenting stereotypes we often learn ourselves, or from our peers, as children.

1. The Dismissing Parent disengages, ridicules or curbs all negative emotions, feels uncertainty and fears feeling out of control, uses distraction techniques, feels that emotions are toxic or unhealthy, uses the passage of time as a cure-all replacement for problem solving.

• Effects: Children learn that there is something wrong with them, cannot regulate their emotions, feel that what they are feeling is not appropriate, not right, and abnormal.

2. The Disapproving Parent is similar to the dismissing parent but more negative, judgmental and critical, controlling, manipulative, authoritative, overly concerned with discipline and strangely unconcerned with the meaning of a child’s emotional expression.

• Effects: Similar to the dismissing parenting techniques.

3. The Laissez- Faire Parent is endlessly permissive, offers little to no guidance about problem solving or understanding emotions, does not set any limits on behavior, encourages “riding out” of emotions until they are out of the way and out of sight.

• Effects: Kids can’t concentrate, can’t get along with other others or form friendships, can’t regulate their emotions in a healthy way.

4. The Emotion Coaching Parent is identified by Dr. Gottman but not a common stereotype, perhaps because it isn’t negative, or because when we were kids, playing with kids, they didn’t really understand what made their parents so “good.” This “good” parent is what Dr. Gottman calls The Emotion Coach. When you look back on memories of your own childhood, you may recognize that some of the strategies below were used by your parents when you felt the closest to them – when you felt that they could really relate to you, when you were truly understood.

• Effects: Your child’s mastery of understanding and regulating their emotions will help them to succeed in life in a myriad of different ways – they will be more self-confident, perform better in social and academic situations, and even become physically healthier.

The five essential steps of Emotion Coaching:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotion
2. Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
4. Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
5. Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately

I like aspects of Balanced, Democratic, or Authoritative, but I want to take it further. Gottman really gets it with his idea “emotion coaching” parents.

Respectful or Positive Parenting can be defined as both child and parent being able to meet their needs in a way that is acceptable to both. While many seem to think this is too permissive or perhaps even neglectful, it’s based on mutual respect with a parent setting healthy boundaries. It is beyond authoritative style by respecting a child’s need emotions as an equally important person.

Parenting styles typically refer to the types of discipline parents hand out to children.

Parenting styles are perhaps easily compared to leadership styles. We’ve all worked for horrible bosses or appreciated good leadership.

Leadership Styles

• Autocratic Leadership relies on coercion, and its style is paternalism, arbitrariness, command, and compliance. The autocratic leader gives orders which must be obeyed by the subordinates. He determines policies for the group without consulting them and does not give detailed information about plans, but simply tells the group what immediate steps they must take.
• Democratic or Participative Leadership is a managerial style that invites input from employees on all or most company decisions. The staff is given pertinent information regarding company issues, and a majority vote determines the course of action the company will take.
• Free-Rein or Laissez-Faire Leadership allows maximum freedom to followers and gives employees a high degree of independence in their operations. A free rein leader completely abdicates his leadership position, to give all responsibility of most of the work entrusted to him to the group which he is supposed to lead, limiting his authority to maintain the contact of the group with persons outside the group.
• Paternalistic Leadership is when the leader assumes that his function is paternal or fatherly. His attitude is that of treating the relationship between the leader and the group as that of a family with the leader as the head of the family. He works to help, guide, protect, and keep his followers happily working together as members of a family. He provides them with good working conditions and employee services.
• Benevolent Leadership is committed to making society better both inside and outside their organizations. Benevolent leaders are servant leaders, approachable and accessible. 

Many of us grew up with authoritarian parents and autocratic leadership.

We need to shift the paradigm to respect and benevolence.

What Respectful Parenting is NOT:

• Permissive
• Neglect
• Conditional
• Blind Obedience
• Punishment
• Coercive
• Humiliating

What is Respectful Parenting?

• Empathy
• Validation
• Connection
• Acceptance
• Relationship
• Preferences
• Modeling

It took a lot of work for me to shift my parenting style. Since I had no models to show me the way, I had to work it through by trial and error.

I see how my parenting mistakes affected my eldest child. I see how my harshness hurt my middle girls.

My son never experienced any of that and he flourishes.

What would my girls be like if I had respected them from day 1?

I love this: 15 Habits of Respectful Parents

How I have changed my parenting:

I seldom say no without an explanation. I redirect. I offer alternatives. I explain why something might be a bad idea at this time. I ask questions to help my child with critical thinking.

We don’t make our kids share. They work out how to take turns by themselves.

We don’t force them to say please or thank you. But kids are so empathetic and they remind me to say it!

I don’t force my kids to express affection. This teaches consent.

Every person has preferences and we try to defer to everyone with different tastes, but we also have to all work together for harmony. There’s always something at mealtime that everyone likes.

We discuss courtesy and expectations. We discuss feelings. We teach empathy.

How you tend to your child’s feelings now is how they will do it for themselves later.

Chanelle Sowden

A positive approach seeks both to understand and coach the child while maintaining healthy boundaries.

I don’t desire to break my children’s wills.

Many Christian parenting materials encourage parents to break kids with physical violence and humiliation into blind obedience and this causes many problems later, and the trauma of abuse.

School models encourage teachers to maintain classroom management with shame, humiliation, and threats.

I want authentic relationship with my children. I want my kids to have the freedom to say no, talk back, and question so we can discuss cause and effect.

I am proactive and clearly state my expectations and why. My kids are welcome to politely argue. Sometimes I change my mind or we work for a compromise together.

It’s about give and take. It’s about respect.

I want my kids to learn how to make wise decisions, so they must be able to make poor choices and learn from them.

This doesn’t mean I don’t protect my kids. If they choose not to bring a coat when it’s cold or to wear dressy sandals for a hike, I ask if they think that’s wise and then I toss a coat or extra shoes in the car just in case.

We don’t use punishment as a parenting tool. I would never make writing a punishment. Natural consequences are enough. I use positive reinforcement and guide my kids to develop their own internal motivation and self control.

I use my life experience to guide my kids while allowing them to maintain autonomy.

Screen Positive Parents:  

We have no limits on screentime or arbitrary rules about technology and I don’t police my kids. Devices go to the charging station at bedtime. We do turn off the Wi-Fi by midnight so we all sleep better.

Screen positive parenting is a way to celebrate with our kids their love of technology while honoring our concerns.

1. Recognize that technologies such as computers, devices, games, and shows are a valuable part of modern life.
2. Value the joy and learning and opportunity that screens can bring.
3. Honor the rights of children to access this technology so prevalent in society. 
4. Be critical of the way consumerist society has harnessed media to advertise to children and wishing to protect our children’s rights to be free from marketing.
5. Challenge the societal norms and prejudices present in much children’s media (such as kids’ shows being overly male, overly white, overly hetero, and physically normative).
6. Understand the vast resources poured into manipulating children to spend more time on screen technology.

Screen Positive Parenting: the Parent Allies Guide to Screentime

Source: Parent Allies

Think about that for a moment. I am not the police. I am a parent.

This is not my job.

I encourage my kids to budget their own time and set their own limits and develop their own self control. Sometimes, they learn the hard way when the teen stays up too late and has to work the next morning.

No one polices me on the computer or tablet and I know I have tasks to complete for a smooth running household and home business.

We discuss inappropriate memes, sites, apps and our kids ages 13-18 have private social media accounts and certain guidelines for their protection.

My kids know what they should do and they do it with few reminders. But as a parent, coach, guide…I do remind them and I try not to nag. I am teaching them executive function.

I am my kids’ partner in learning how to human.

Society would rather see “well behaved” children than bold, vulnerable, honest, open, vibrant, curious, FREE children, because those children grow up knowing their power and free people are dangerous to a society that values compliance over happiness.

Oppressed To Oppressor

Common Parenting Issues

What about hitting?

It’s never ok. I am a pacifist, nonviolent advocate. Hitting is usually about not having the language to express frustration. I help by having a time-in until the child is ready to vent in a healthier way.

What about tantrums?

This is communication. It’s the parent’s job to remain calm. Keep the child safe until the tantrum is over. Be proactive to understand causes and be proactive to prevent the tantrum next time.

What about yelling?

It happens. Apologize and try to remain calmer. Model better behaviors.

What about timeout?

I don’t isolate my kids. We do time-ins where we sit near each other until we’re ready to communicate our big feelings and work through the problem together.

What about rewards? What about chore charts? What about praise?

I don’t offer rewards but model intrinsic motivation. A child knows when she has accomplished something and I share in her joy.

My goal is to have a peaceful, respectful relationship with my kids as they grow into young adults.

It took an awful lot of reading to find alternatives to the way society treats children and expects children to be parented and taught.

I always felt there were better ways than what I experienced as a child and what I learned in teacher training at university and saw in the classroom.

I had to re-parent myself and heal my wounds while attempting to parent my own kids. I’m growing up while my kids are growing up too.

Recommendations:

• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg
• Escape from Childhood by John Holt 
• Parenting for Social Change: Transform Childhood, Transform the World by Teresa Graham Brett

Linking up: Random Musings, April Harris, Create with Joy, Marilyn’s Treats, Anita Ojeda, Grammy’s Grid, Mostly Blogging, LouLou Girls, Welcome Heart, Mary Geisen, InstaEncouragments, Purposeful Faith, Suburbia, Our Three Peas, Life Abundant, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Ducks in a Row, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Debbie Kitterman, Anchored Abode, Slices of Life, CKK, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Katherine’s Corner, Grandma’s Ideas, Imparting Grace, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, OMHGW, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Being a Wordsmith, Kippi at Home,

The holidays are a busy time and many children are manipulated in order to receive presents.

I don’t ever like how children are treated differently than adults, but it really frosts me around the holidays.

No one forces adults to do something they don’t want to do. No one asks adults insulting questions.

Respectful Parenting During the Holidays

All children are good.

I don’t buy into the idea of naughty or nice.

I don’t like it when strangers, friends, acquaintances, or relatives ask my kids if they’ve been good this year.

Behaviors don’t imply inherent goodness or badness.

We don’t believe in rewards or punishments. We communicate and discuss emotions and issues. We work through disagreements and big feelings.

Behavior is just communication. It is adults who judge behaviors as “good” or “bad.” Most kids act age appropriately.

Children long to do good and desire connection with caregivers, family members, friends.

All children are good.

Research reveals that a person’s “goodness” was seen by both age groups as more of a biological, innate trait than “badness.” Both children and adults were more likely to say that goodness, rather than badness, was something with which people are born and a fundamental, unchanging part of who they are.

Larisa Heiphetz

No threats.

I loathe the Elf on a Shelf and all its many variations.

I don’t need spies on my children.

I don’t control or manipulate my kids.

Even a funny and cute bully violates family trust.

There is no good or bad behavior. Behavior is just communication.

I’m really irritated by social media posts and blogs offering parenting advice about throwing empty wrapped presents into the fire or phone calls from “Santa” admonishing kids.

Of course people can buy all the commercial Pinteresting trappings for an Elf or Doll or Toy just for fun and/or change the purpose to be kind and respectful with the mission of charitable calls to action. Bravo and carry on.

I just don’t have time or desire for any of that for 24 days.

Ideas to do instead:

• Tomte
• Kindness Elf
• Kindness cards for Elf
• Advent Angel
• Kindness Elves

Gifts don’t come with rules.

I remember some really weird and horrific gifts as a kid. I know it was hard for me to say thanks or hide my disappointment.

I remember my mother being horrified and embarrassed and scolding me later. Southern ladies paste on a smile no matter what.

I realize our society expects gratitude for gifts. I encourage my kids to say thanks even if the present is disappointing. We discuss the situation later.

With some very special items, I do offer recommendations to my kids if it might require extra or unique care.

Yes, it’s really hard sometimes to see something used differently than I would choose to use it.

My kids know that a gift is theirs to do whatever they please with it.

• upcycle or repurpose
• donate
• throw away
• share or not
• display
• get dirty

Gifts shouldn’t come with conditions.

We don’t believe in taking our children’s possessions away as a punishment. I don’t control my kids with their toys. If they have trouble cleaning up, I help them.

Santa can be scary.

My first child adored Santa and anything that dressed up in a costume. I didn’t question the tradition.

We stopped “doing Santa” when my second child was terrified of him.

I didn’t like her fear. I wasn’t going to subject my young child to sit on a stranger’s lap for a photo opportunity.

I argued with my husband about it. I didn’t want to lie to our children about a fantasy commercialized man who climbs down chimneys with toys. We didn’t even have a chimney for years and had a dumb “Santa Key” from Hallmark.

We celebrate Saint Nicholas. We read during Advent.

There is no magic lost. My kids have always loved to read stories about Santa and elves. They’re fairy tales like all the others we love to read.

No forced affection.

I remember being forced into hugs and kisses from aunts, uncles, and cousins. I didn’t like not having control over it. I remember feeling bad for being scolded for not wanting to do it or not appearing happy enough about it.

I try to prepare my kids if and when we visit relatives.

I warn my kids about expectations. I offer my kids alternatives like shaking hands or fist bumps.

I act as a buffer between my children and overbearing adults.

It’s not my or my child’s fault if some grown adult gets her feelings hurt.

Kids own their bodies and can decide for themselves how and when to show affection.

Slow down.

The holidays can be a very busy time.

They don’t have to be.

Consider the natural rhythms of children. Meals, naps, bedtimes schedules are very important for kids.

Most negative behaviors come from disrupting the schedule or not taking kids’ emotions and needs into consideration.

Kids know when they’re hungry and what they like to eat. Don’t force them to try something just to be polite.

Let them open gifts at their own pace or take breaks or even bring the item home to open later.

Let kids help decorate and help make holiday decisions.

Routines need to be a priority. If this means cutting activities, visits, parties short, then the children’s needs should come first.

We collect holiday books that we read daily in December. We watch holiday movies at least every Friday in December.

We can allow ourselves space to be the best parents we can be to our kids.

I struggled to make friends as a kid and I still struggle as an adult. I can honestly say that I don’t have any friends. I would wonder what was wrong with me and sometimes I still do, but I’m learning to accept that I’m just different, with contrary values to most of Western society.

It breaks my heart to see my kids struggle with something that I don’t really know how to fix.

As a homeschool mom, I often worry about gaps in my kids’ educations. What I worry about more is the isolation that often comes with being home alone all day every day. Sure, we go on field trips, do extracurriculars like art, music, and sports. But, it’s still often very hard to make friends, even within the homeschool community. It’s lonely.

Being a military family, we move around every few years, and I think our transience has gotten into our attitudes as well. We don’t see the point in trying too hard if we’re just going away again.

Kids don’t play outside anymore. My children don’t know where to look for playmates and friends. It seems so many are overscheduled with private lessons, extracurriculars, extra classes, and special events that they don’t have enough free time to play.

We’ve also noticed a shift in parenting the last decade or so. Parents are scared to let their kids play outside, even in their front yards. Kids are overprotected and coddled, not allowed any risk or decision making. Parenting is fear-based.

I’ve made many efforts to provide friend opportunities for my kids, but it’s really hard as they get older and into their teens.

Unfortunately, sometimes friends aren’t really friends.

Some kids’ brains are wired in a way that makes it harder for them to connect socially with others and make friends. They lack the executive function skills and it’s not something they figure out on their own, contrary to popular belief. 

Kids often need direct experience in the step-by-step brain-based processes that develop social awareness, self-awareness, self-regulation and positive social behaviors.

1. Ask, don’t tell. Ask questions with genuine, respectful curiosity to find out what’s going on for your child.
2. Listen and learn. Welcome what your child has to say. Be calm, listen and make him comfortable.
3. Keep your cool. Your calm coaching response will allow you a little emotional distance, which goes a long way in finding a helpful middle ground to problem-solve with your child.
4. Hold the metacognitive mirror up. Help your child take a bird’s eye view of the situation and reflect on his role. 
5. Honor your child’s aha. Whatever the realization, allow your child to have his own perspective and realizations in the process of growing awareness, reflection, goal-setting and problem-solving.
6. Prep first, then pave the way. Prepare the ground for sensitive conversations by sharing stories from work and elsewhere about how people do what they can for themselves, but sometimes they need to ask for help.
7. Meet them where they are. Better that you recognize your child’s capabilities at the present time and work with what’s real. That helps you both focus on goals and plans that are realistic.
8. Be a cheerleader. Celebrate positive steps, small wins, or your child’s aha and you will keep the momentum going.

In her groundbreaking book, Caroline Maguire shares her decade-in-the-making protocol–The Play Better Plan– to help parents coach children to connect with others and make friends.

Children of all ages–truly, from Kindergarten to college age– will gain the confidence to make friends and get along with others.

Coaching, using the following simple techniques and the Play Better lessons, tools and skill-building activities, creates those learning experiences for your child.

*Social Sleuthing: learn to pay attention to social cues

*Post-Play Date Huddles: help kids figure out what to look for in a friendship

*Reflective Listening: improve your child’s relationship with their peers

Caroline Maguire, PCC, M.Ed. (media features include US News & World Report, Salon, HuffPost, Parade, MindBodyGreen, Publishers Weekly and more) has successfully coached thousands of families suffering from chronic social dilemmas, ranging from shyness to aggression to ADHD and more, and spells out her program for effective parent coaching for social skills based on proven strategies and techniques that support positive behavioral change in Why Will No One Play with Me? The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends and Thrive (Hachette’s Grand Central Publishing; Sept. 24, 2019).