What if kids ask to go to school?

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June 14, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 7 Comments

We have four children and my younger three have been completely homeschooled. My eldest attended day care as a baby and toddler and private Christian 4K before we began homeschooling, then one month of DOD 3rd grade.

We have adapted and evolved as homeschoolers over the years, meeting the needs and desires of our kids with their changing interests as we moved every two to four years with the military. It’s been a lot.

As proactive as I try to be, anticipating issues that may arise, it didn’t really occur to me to have a plan or speech prepared if or when my kids asked to go to school. I mean, don’t lots of kids who attend public or private school ask to stay home all the time for various reasons? And those parents probably just laugh and tell their kids to hurry up or they’ll miss their bus. There isn’t even a discussion because school is mainstream and expected. Most families send their kids to school.

We try to have discussions rather than shut down questions, but sometimes it’s very hard to articulate if I don’t have preparation. I’ve said many things I regret and made egregious mistakes while parenting. I’m so glad we homeschooled and I would do it all again, with more confidence.

What if kids ask to go to school?

Here’s how we responded to our kids when they asked to attend public school.

Our eldest wanted to attend the DOD high school in Germany when she was about fifteen. We had a hard time during those teen years. Everything was a battle. I tried to reason with her. We had different educational values than other families. We had so much freedom and traveled and learned what and how we wanted. The school schedule wouldn’t allow any freedom or absences or tardiness. I reminded her how miserable she was in that month of third grade, how bored she was in preK. She just dug in her heels and did everything to thwart our final homeschooling years.

We were a bit isolated in our small German village, but used our free schedule to travel regularly around Europe and took plenty of day trips. She participated with a small drama theater on base and we did activities with the homeschool group. Her good friend attended the school; they would most likely have been a year apart and rarely seen each other during the school day, but that didn’t matter to my daughter. We had almost completed my homeschool agenda of academics at the time she wanted to attend school. She would have been repeating courses or wasting time. We discussed unfair dress codes and how she would have to remove her piercings and keep her hair natural colored, but she said she was actually ok with that, but she won’t do it at a job now. I also worried she wouldn’t take it seriously and drop back out at the first struggle or get into trouble at the school. We had a horrible experience during a middle school math week in Utah and I really didn’t want to give a public school any power over my child.

To me, it felt like she just needed to fit in and be mainstream. She felt she was missing out. She thought she would get to socialize and make more friends. She wanted to experience the milestones and social aspects of school – dances, clubs, graduation, prom. She did attend some dances in Germany and in Ohio when we moved back to the States. She even flew to Canada to attend prom with friends.

When we moved to Ohio, she started college early and worked part time and complained how ignorant her classmates were. She felt left out and overeducated and more grown up and independent than her peers.

My eldest is now twenty, almost 21, and still regrets she didn’t go to school. She feels like an outcast when her friends reminisce about school and she doesn’t know what their words and phrases mean so she can’t join in their conversations. She doesn’t feel special, but overeducated. She quit college and is working full time and moved out last November. She has said that homeschooling ruined her life. I feel awful. And there’s no way I can make amends or fix this.

While there are many, many things I wish I had done differently as a parent and teacher, homeschooling is still our choice as a family.

It’s hard when school is the expectation of society. People ask my kids, “What grade are you in? Where do you go to school?” and it becomes embarrassing sometimes. It seems more acceptable to homeschool after this last year, but it’s still odd and different. I realize we are in a unique circumstance in our ability for me to stay home to teach our kids. The pandemic certainly highlighted many issues with our society, education being an important one.

Our third child asked to attend school after we had lived in Ohio a few years. It felt like the same issues all over again. I was a little more prepared this time around to field the questions and manage the discussion. We affirmed them about their feelings. We expressed our family and educational values. We explained why we homeschool and why we don’t choose school. I further reiterated our freedoms with our schedule and curriculum. We discussed bullying, teacher control, discriminatory curriculum, gun violence, 20 minute lunch periods, public school timeline, overcrowdedness, lack of funding, unfair dress codes. We expressed concerns about how schools don’t protect or respect LGBTQ+ kids. They would probably have to keep their hair natural colored. I am very concerned about school violence and we really focused on those issues that have increased the last few years. They are more social than my other two kids at home, but school isn’t really conducive to socializing. School looks glamorous and fun on TV and in movies, but that’s certainly not reality.

Then the pandemic hit and I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief because no one attended school for months. Our lifestyle didn’t change that much. While we couldn’t go out and that felt suffocating at times, we didn’t have to vastly adapt like school families did.

We have a hard time finding like-minded friends for myself and the kids. I refuse to compromise my values or put myself and my kids in a potentially dangerous social situation with families who express gun rights, white supremacy, capitalism, and homophobia.

It’s frustrating that many parents don’t allow their children to be active online. During the pandemic, my kids would have and could have developed some online friendships but many parents refuse their kids access to social media like Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, TikTok, Discord. I understand their hesitancy, but it makes it harder on teens who want friends.

We are now (possibly) over that hump. I think my kids are more on board now about homeschooling. We are striving to give our kids opportunities and experiences that wouldn’t be possible if they attended school. We’ve gotten back into our extra-curricular classes like art, aerial gymnastics, and baseball. Their neighborhood friend is coming back around and they just picked up where they left off. We aren’t so depressed and isolated like we were all last year.

As more people get vaccinated, there will be safer field trips, outings, get-togethers, park days.

My middle two kids attended an art camp for a week this month and were so exhausted getting up early and being out all day every day. I can’t imagine what it would be like if my kids were gone all day every day.

My youngest, our son, has no desire to attend school or co-op or homeschool activities.

Those who are raised with rules and parental control may blame their parents when their lives go off the rails because they had little sense of agency or responsibility as children. They believe children require external domination.
Iris Chen

Each child is different with different social needs.

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Tending Our Garden

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April 26, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

We have had so many gardens over the years.

We have moved six times during our marriage. It does put a lot of stress on a family to start over so many times.

We tried to grow at every home where we ever lived. Some gardens were tiny and some were spacious. Some struggled and some thrived.

I like to think of our gardens as symbolic of our family – when we struggled and when we thrived in our relationships with each other.

Like gardens, relationships need the right conditions. There were bad weather and seasons, rocky or sandy soil. When we spent time, effort, and money on the gardens and our lives, we all grew.

My first little house that I bought myself in Georgia, I had begun to grow roses and flowers and some herbs.

I had to go through boxes of photographs since this is before digital cameras. Ah, the memories!

I loved birds even then and had feeders at the window. I was sad to have to sell this house and if I could go back, I would keep it and rent it out.

Our first little herb garden at our first rental home as a small blended family, in San Antonio, after we PCSed the very first time. We later grew some veggies for the first time. It was fun for our first homeschool year.

When we PCSed to Hawaii for three years, we lived on base and were not allowed to have a garden or change the landscape. We still grew and discovered what and who we wanted to be. We were surrounded by lush green and flowers and we enjoyed it all.

Our largest garden at our rental house in Utah where we grew lots of veggies and had a grape vine along the fence.

The whole family really worked hard in Utah on our garden. We enjoyed having fresh food that we grew ourselves. The kids would be so excited to help and harvest. We preserved, canned, and dried since we produced so much. We lived there four years and were just getting comfortable when we had to move again.

We used containers to grow herbs and veggies with our teeny tiny back yard in Germany. Even with the gorgeous food surrounding us in Europe and a fun little market right at our doorstep, we still yearned to grow our own.

Our baby garden when we rented our current house, that we just bought a year ago. We just had peas and lettuces and green beans. The radishes and carrots didn’t quite take. And I always have herbs.

We just celebrated our house-iversary. We bought our home one year ago!

It’s not perfect, but in many ways, it’s the best we’ve ever had and could ever hope for. While I always wanted more than mediocre suburbia for my kids, we have settled here for reasons. Sometimes, we dream of a hobby farm, but it’s just not feasible and I don’t see it ever happening.

The first thing we did after we signed the mortgage papers, was to have all the walnut trees cut down. It opened up our backyard and we don’t have to wear hard hats on the deck or worry about being pummeled by baseball-sized walnuts anymore.

We conditioned the soil and planned a little victory garden. We just planted early veggies – peas, lettuces, onions, potatoes, carrots, radishes, asparagus. We have spots ready to plant tomatoes, green beans, cucumbers, squash when it’s warmer. We also planted two raspberry bushes.

While most of these plants will be ready to harvest in a month or so, the asparagus won’t be ready for about three years. It takes patience and planning.

We’ve never been settled in a place long enough to plan that far ahead.

It’s so exciting to finally realize this is all ours and we can update or change anything. I have to take a deep breath and let it all sink in.

I love planning and planting flowers. My herb garden is thriving. I’m a member of a local online gardening group that is just lovely. I just started my rose garden and I can’t wait to see the blooms!

When we had unexpected snow the end of April, it was disappointing, but we came together to cover the tender young plants against freezing. We prayed and hoped they wouldn’t wither or wilt and will be hardier for their shock of the frost. Just as we hope to weather storms and survive to thrive the hard times in our lives and we sure have had our share of tough times.

I’m transplanting bushes that need more sun and pruning and shaping plants that may have never had that done to them before. We’re fertilizing and adding soil and mulch for nutrients and weed cover.

We make amends and do more of what works and less of what doesn’t – in our relationships and with our plants. We’re constantly learning and growing.

Linking up: Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, April Harris, Anita Ojeda, Eclectic Red Barn, Jeanne Takenaka, InstaEncouragements, Ducks in a Row, OMHG, Grammy’s Grid, Ginger Snap, Fluster Buster, Girlish Whims, Ridge Haven, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Suburbia, Penny’s Passion, Crystal Storms, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, Debbie Kitterman, Katherine’s Corner, Grandma’s Ideas, LouLou Girls, Our Three Peas, Try it Like it, Wordsmith, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Simply Sweet Home, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, CWJ, Random Musings,

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I am not insignificant

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February 22, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 19 Comments

I’m in my mid-40s and I still fight my inner thoughts that tell me I am worthless, unimportant, insignificant.

It doesn’t help that my parents still remind me, if not so much in the words they used to use during my childhood and youth, but in their action, inaction, criticism of myself and family, my parenting choices and lifestyle. They mostly just ignore me and my children. They’re uninterested in what we do. I don’t bother to share our triumphs with them. I rarely call them and when they call me, it’s only to list their medical appointments and complain about everything.

As an only child, I didn’t know anything different than my life with my dysfunctional parents. Since I wasn’t sexually molested or physically beaten, I didn’t realize I was being abused verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. I think many of us just wave away abuse and think others have it so much worse.

I often didn’t eat lunch at school. I remember sitting at the dinner table many nights, refusing to eat. I had frequent migraines for many years. I remember having painful digestive issues. I don’t have many memories of my mother comforting me or caring for me when I was sick or not feeling well. I remember my father with cold, wet washcloths and massaging my eyebrows.

I felt like a burden whenever I was sick, like I was inconveniencing my parents.

I struggled to make friends at school. I struggled with school, but I managed to make good enough grades and stay out of trouble for the most part.

I didn’t know other families were happy, loving, accepting while mine was demeaning, humiliating, intolerant.

Kids can’t be expected to recognize dismissal, emotional neglect, narcissism. I just learned to cope and avoid and cater to my parents’ sporadic moods. I woke up every single morning with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, worried what tantrums my parents might have that day and over what minor inconvenience or misspoken word by me.

I had a lot of freedom as a kid in the 1980s.

But it was mostly neglect.

I had no escape, no safe spaces.

We didn’t attend church. I mostly felt lost and alone at school. I was sent outside to play if I was home.

After school and during summers, I ran the neighborhood, often having lunch at a friend’s house and not coming home until the street lights came on.

My dad traveled a lot and it was more peaceful when he was gone. I wasn’t allowed to have friends over if he was home. I didn’t know this was unusual. I always accepted an invitation to a friend’s house to get away from my own home.

I avoided most of my friends’ parents while also silently begging for attention. They probably thought I was weird. I feared all adults, all authority.

My jack o’lantern was always smashed in the street on Halloween. The yard was often TP’ed and the house and mailbox egged. I didn’t know what this meant, but I realized much later that my dad was hated in the neighborhood for years for his outspoken intolerance and criticism. My parents didn’t have any friends.

My bedroom door didn’t close; the hinges were warped. I wasn’t allowed privacy. Closing the bathroom door never mattered; my parents would walk in without knocking.

I was encouraged to try many activities, but they never lasted long. I longed to do ballet and learn piano, but it never happened. Ballet lessons were “too expensive.” We had an old, out-of-tune organ and I got lessons for a few months when I was in fourth grade, but it was hard to practice. They wouldn’t pay to tune the organ or get me a piano keyboard. I didn’t know there were recreational sports, but I’m sure it was also too expensive.

I was a cheerleader in eighth grade and I can’t remember a single game where my parents attended to watch me cheer. They didn’t even pick me up from games. I had to bum rides from other parents to Pizza Hut and my parents would pick me up there. It was embarrassing to be the only kid without parents.

I tried basketball and tennis in school but I felt very out of place and didn’t know all the rules of the games.

I wasn’t allowed to take art in high school except for one semester as an elective. It was a tiny victory.

When I became a teenager and expected to do teenager things, my dad criticized me for wanting to hang out with friends or date. He acted jealous and irrational. I had no privacy. There was no trust. I’m surprised he got me a car – a 1974 VW Bug for $650. I’m surprised he let me have a part-time job and keep all my money. I had to lie and deceive just to go meet a friend at a store or restaurant or the library. He acted jealous I wanted to have other relationships.

I was never a bad kid. I was too scared to ever really do anything. I was always home on time, but I was yelled at if I was even one minute late. There was never any grace.

It hit me hard the other day that my parents told me I was unlovable and made me break up with my boyfriend when I was about eighteen. He was a lovely boy and his family were great. They loved me. They were kind and good to me.

Who knows where it could have gone if it had been allowed to progress naturally? Would we have grown apart during college? Would we have grown together? I will never know.

My parent’s selfishness and unwillingness to relinquish control broke both me and him. I never got to apologize to him. I found him on social media and he’s divorced with a couple kids and remarried. I won’t contact him to dredge up anything because why should I now, so many years later. It would be selfish of me. None of it was his fault.

My parents also gaslighted me after my suicide attempt when I was 21, that I was just being used by the man I was seeing. Again, they told me I was unlovable and stupid to put myself in this vulnerable position where they continued to control me.

My parents found therapists and doctors to tell them what great parents they were and how childish I was. I hadn’t reached individuation. I had no autonomy. I mean, really? I was 21, being treated like a 12-year-old.

A child that’s being abused by its parents doesn’t stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself.
Shahida Arabi, Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

I was weak and hurt and fragile. I felt trapped.

This pushed me over the edge to run away and marry him.

I regret this, but it is what it is. What if I had been stronger? What if I’d had any support from anyone?

After I ran away, my parents found another therapist to tell them what a bad daughter I was – selfish and childish and ungrateful.

But I wasn’t a bad daughter. I was a desperate daughter, seeking connection.

My parents love to remind me all they did for me. They bought me clothes and kept the groceries stocked and paid for the house we lived in.

They provided for my basic needs.

They bought cars and paid for the insurance until I ran away. I never really asked for or wanted the cars that they traded in every couple years. It was like a weird game for them. They claimed newer cars were safer. Obviously I needed a way to get to school and work and I appreciated not having the bills.

They paid for my divorce. My parents co-signed for my apartment. Then my father co-signed on my home mortgage.

But, they never paid for my education. I did that with scholarships for my bachelor’s and a loan for my master’s. They maybe paid some tuition when I dual enrolled as a high school senior and paid for some books and admin fees.

Oh, how they love to remind me about every little thing.

Everything had strings attached.

They don’t value emotions or struggles or triumphs.

They refuse to discuss anything they don’t like.

Moving away was probably the best thing I ever did.

I had panic attacks the first two years. Then I spent a few years trying on personae to see who I liked. I didn’t know who I wanted to be. I couldn’t remember what I had ever liked.

It took many years to learn how to be myself. Sometimes I still forget.

Yes, I have been to various therapists. Yes, I have tried various medications for depression and anxiety. It’s been a long, hard road – to nowhere.

I am healing myself.

My parents have never expressed interest in maintaining contact with me or my children via snail mail, social media, or any communication technology. They just don’t want to. They sometimes complain that my emails go to their spam folder, but I don’t understand how that would happen.

My parents only visited us a few times times during all these sixteen years. They always stayed in hotels, which is a small blessing.

My parents drove out to San Antonio, Texas, twice, for the births of my middle girls. They were no help to us during that time. I had to entertain them and go out to dinner with them – all sooner than I should have left the house.

They flew to Hawaii for a vacation during December – the rainiest dreariest month. My father was sick almost the whole time and the plane ride for hard for him.

He couldn’t be bothered to come back out for the birth of my son a year later. My mother came alone and it was stressful. I had to rely on her for help. After all, wasn’t that why she was there? She was cruel to my daughters and I was unavailable and didn’t know until after she had flown home.

Then they visited me and the kids in Utah while my husband was deployed. My kids’ schedules were greatly disrupted and my parents wanted me to cater to their needs – to the detriment of my children. They got mad at me and left early, then sent me hate mail about what a bad mother I am and such a disrespectful daughter.

They never visited us while we lived in Germany.

We stayed with my parents before PCSing to Germany and when we PCSed back to The States. It was stressful. My dad had tantrums and left for an entire day, disappointing my son. Promises were not kept with my eldest. Everything was performance-based and we were all so confused.

They came up to Ohio for Christmas when my husband was deployed the second time. It was mostly ok. They stayed at a hotel and my kids are older and busier and less bothered by them.

They surprised my husband by driving up for his promotion ceremony in spring. They adore my husband.

Over the years, my relationship with my parents is superficial at best.

I reply to their emails every day or two. If I don’t email every day, I get criticized for not caring. They use Yahoo email like the rest of us use Messenger and they think my replies should be instant. My dad still has an ancient cell phone that only makes and receives calls. My mom got a newer Android phone but she doesn’t really know how to use it.

It’s been a lot. I’ve spent years trying to heal myself and this generational trauma.

I’ve struggled to make healthy relationships with others all my life. I worry my kids don’t know how to make and keep friends because they don’t see me or their father succeed in this. I feel alone and lost.

My parents have ignored me since January 6 and I really don’t know why this time.

They periodically do this and I always contacted them to apologize – for nothing, anything, just to make amends to whatever imagined ill they felt I inflicted.

Perhaps they’re mad that I voted differently and have different political views. My father emailed my husband, telling him he bought a gun and carry license.

I carry all this heaviness around with me all the time. My kids and husband don’t have these weights. They will never understand.

I am not insignificant.

Resources:

Mothers Who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters by Susan Forward
Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters: A Guide For Separation, Liberation & Inspiration by Karen C.L. Anderson
I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman
Recovering from Narcissistic Mothers: A Daughter’s Guide by Brenda Stephens
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride
Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself by Shahida Araby
Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents: Practical Tools to Establish Boundaries and Reclaim Your Emotional Autonomy by Lindsay C. Gibson
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

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Today’s Proverbs 31 Person

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January 4, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 4 Comments

We love to hate it.

All the pressure to live up to an impossible standard.

Generations of wives and mothers admonished, scolded, humiliated by church leaders for not being perfect.

I’ve known people to try to follow these verses to the very letter, even going into debt to actually plant a vineyard.

Perhaps, we should just look for the intent behind the lines.

We all want our children to be healthy and happy and kind, to love others and be loved well.

This chapter consists of two poetic sections. The first nine verses detail the qualities needed to be a wise ruler, and the second part are the qualities describing an excellent wife.

In most translations, verses 1-9 are called The Words of Lemuel. In The Message, verses 1-9 are entitled: Speak Out for Justice.

In The Message, verses 10-31 are entitled: Hymn to a Good Wife. The ESV calls the verses The Woman Who Fears the Lord. The Amplified Bible calls these verses Description of a Worthy Woman. The HCSB calls these verses In Praise of a Capable Wife.

For reference, here is the Bible version that many of us memorized.

Proverbs 31, KJV:

The Words of King Lemuel

¹ The words of king Lemuel, the prophecy that his mother taught him.

²What, my son? and what, the son of my womb? and what, the son of my vows?

³Give not thy strength unto women, nor thy ways to that which destroyeth kings.

⁴It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:

⁵Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.

⁶Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.

⁷Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.

⁸Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.

⁹Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.

The Virtues of Noble Woman

¹⁰Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

¹¹The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

¹²She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

¹³She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

¹⁴She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

¹⁵She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

¹⁶She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

¹⁷She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

¹⁸She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

¹⁹She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

²⁰She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

²¹She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

²²She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

²³Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

²⁴She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

²⁵Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

²⁶She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

²⁷She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

²⁸Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

²⁹Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

³⁰Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

³¹Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

Yes, the poetry is beautiful, but I find some of the phrasing and word choice problematic. I like the footnotes on the text here.

The text-poem of the 31st proverb is a wish list of a queen for her prince-son’s wife-to-be. It was written in an ancient time and place with patriarchal values, when women were property and often nameless and powerless.

It was never really meant to be read as a checklist for Christian women to aspire to achieve. It’s not even possible and alluded to the idea of a supermom, which is exhausting and depressing.

As the mother of four children: three biological daughters and one biological son, I often dream of what their lives might be like when they become independent adults.

I too have a wish list for my children and their futures, whether or not they choose to get married or have children of their own.

Today’s Proverbs 31 Person

Child, do not listen to the admonitions of society, the prophecies written on the subway walls, as taught by the media, relatives, spouses, partners, friends, acquaintances, eBook authors, bloggers, wannabe therapists whose advice no one asked for.

Love one another.

Love one another.

Love one another.

Be a social justice warrior. Don’t just hide behind a keyboard. Get out and work for change. Teach your kids, friends, or anyone you know to love everyone and be kind always. Notice differences and privilege and strive to be anti-racist and inclusive. Yes, one person can make a difference.

Just say no to drugs. Try even to eschew the prescription drugs that American doctors seem to yearn to prescribe as bandaids in lieu of relationship. Find healthy outlets for your emotions and embrace all the feelings. Sit in your feelings until you understand them and find healing. Look to mindfulness and simplify, de-stress, slow down.

Virtue is subjective and often colonialist. Every society has different values. Know your worth and be unashamed. Claim it and proclaim it and don’t let anyone disrespect you. Don’t disrespect others.

Trust in your inner self, your intuition. Don’t believe everything that you breathe.

Have integrity before all, especially children. Lead by example.

Be a servant leader, knowledgeable in running an efficient household or business. Don’t ask others what you can do for yourself. Don’t ask others to do what you’re unwilling to do.

Be kind and think before speaking. Practice nondefensive and nonviolent communication.

Prepare for the future with investments. Be proactive but not anxious. Life of Fred Financial Choices recommends saving at least 25% of income. Yes, it’s hard during some seasons. Learn the value of not getting instant gratification.

Get that side hustle on. Or not. Use your unique skills and talents. But take care not to burn out. We are more than our performance.

Be grateful in all you do and joy will surely follow. Think positive and when you feel down, renew yourself in nature, in wide open spaces, or art, music, something awe-inspiring to remind you of your divinity.

Shop for the best deals on groceries, but don’t become a hoarder or extreme couponer. Add the digital coupons to the Kroger and iBotta apps each week. It’s just a few minutes of tedium but it does pay off quite a bit. Don’t buy something you don’t need. Don’t buy something just because it’s on sale.

Empty the cat litter before trash day. Do the dishes and laundry before they pile up. Guide children and others to do chores regularly. Recycle and reduce waste. Be efficient and proactive to limit anxiety.

We are not responsible for what others think of us or say to us. We can live rent free in someone’s mind for years and that’s on them. Be at peace in your words and actions.

Learn to accessorize and what’s attractive for your body type and coloring, but don’t be vain or obsessed with appearance. Everyone has a unique beauty.

It’s important that we don’t compare ourselves to others or to fictional characters. We are individuals – each with our own histories, perhaps even traumas to overcome. Own yourself and all your flaws, imperfections, and your glory.

Be a blessing to others.

I am blessed to have four amazing children who I get to interact with every day as I seem them bloom and grow in our home and homeschool.

While I do dream of grandchildren, like most people, but I dream more for happiness and health. I want my children to experience great relationships with all people they come into contact with, romantic or not. I pray that my children are role models for others.

Children don’t just need to be loved; they need to know that nothing they do will change the fact that they’re loved.
Alfie Kohn, The Myth of the Spoiled Child

I embrace my children for who they are and who they will become – whether they are cishet, nonbinary, trans, genderless, genderfluid, gay, or ace.

I love my children beyond what they can offer me.

It’s not about my comfort or what society told me my dreams and wishes should be for my children who are their own individual selves.

My children owe me nothing while I owe them everything.

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Linking up: Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, Little Cottage, Marilyn’s Treats, April Harris, Anita Ojeda, LouLou Girls, InstaEncouragements, Our Three Peas, Anchored Abode, Grandma’s Ideas, Soaring with Him, Ducks in a Row, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, CKK, OMHG, Everyday Farmhouse, Being Wordsmith, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Embracing Unexpected, Crystal Storms, Lyli Dunbar, Momfessionals, Grammy’s Grid, CWJ, Suburbia,

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Parenting Young Adults

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Please see my suggested resources.

July 20, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

Parenting is a series of mistakes, failures, successes, heartache, pride.

My firstborn is certainly the research subject in all our parenting decisions.
She is also the catalyst for many rules and lots of changes we make in our family.

She was always a dynamo. She never met a stranger. She’s a social butterfly through and through and I am always content to be “Her Mom.”

I’ve watched her grow and fail, learn, and dance to and fro.

We began homeschooling because of her fall birthday. We tried a month of third grade because of her and promptly brought her back home.

I pushed until she pushed back.

I learned boundaries as a parent. I learned how to be me, a mother, a person, and make personal demands based on my own needs from her example.

She’s quite the lawyer in her well-thought-out arguments and I struggle sometimes to be democratic, respectful, gentle.

I was never treated with respect in my own home when I was growing up. I had no privacy. I wasn’t allowed to express emotions or thoughts. I attempted suicide at age 20 and ran away at age 21.

I want to be a better parent than mine were. Navigating this modern world with no role models and no guidance is really hard.

I feel I am in uncharted waters with an almost twenty-year-old.

The Christian parenting and the secular parenting books, blogs, experts all say almost the same things – tough love, harsh consequences, isolation, withdrawing love and affection, removing privileges. We don’t do that with our young kids, so why would we start now?

I never liked the purity or stay at home daughter movements. They remove autonomy from women and open doors for abusive relationships.

Parenting never ends.

As children get older, the parent-child relationship evolves into friendship, hopefully. It becomes a solid relationship with gives and takes. It amazing to watch these little people grow into adults.

Our society does not respect children. Teenagers are viewed with suspicion and young adults are often humiliated and taken advantage of by many adults.

Young people have so much to offer if we allowed them respect and freedom they deserve.

Parenting a Young Adult

Respect

I have always tried to respect my children. It’s sometimes difficult when I feel disrespected and triggered. I often have to walk away and give myself a timeout and think about it.

I have very few rules: no drugs. no porn. no illegal activity.

I require my children to respect each other.

Communication is important. It’s up to me as the adult and parent to model healthy and nonviolent communication. Sometimes, it’s really, really hard. I have had to walk away to think and regroup and calm down many times.

I find myself more and more stating as calmly as possible, “What you said/did is disrespectful and that’s not ok.”

Expectations

We tried to do a contract, but it was worthless with no real consequences. It just has to be an ongoing conversation and it’s exhausting.

I keep going back to respect. If we’ve never done arbitrary consequences, how can I begin now? I don’t want to require her to pay rent because she needs to save for college and her future, even though she hasn’t saved a penny in over two years from her part time job.

Attending college classes and working a part time job is paramount. I feel it teaches responsibility and offers a gradual climb into the adult world of vast responsibility.

While I would love to expect chores to be completed, that isn’t always the priority at this stage when there are assignment deadlines and potentially late shift work schedules.

I have found that if I issue very specific time-sensitive commands, they get done more immediately.

Disappointment

Of course I’ve been disappointed by some of my child’s poor choices.

I had to get over my own issues with piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair. It’s her body.

While tattoos and ear plugs are pretty irreversible, I don’t worry so much about hair anymore.

It’s more worrisome when she’s made poor financial and relationship choices. She has to live and learn from her mistakes.

She hates college and I don’t really blame her. It really is so very different than twenty years ago and I don’t understand why. It should be easier with so much information at our fingertips. She’s taking some time off and looking for full time work.

I’m trying not to project onto her my education values. Sometimes it does feel like a kick in the teeth. All those homeschool years – wasted? It’s her life and her future. But I fear she may have unnecessary struggles without a college degree, certificate, apprenticeship, or training.

One-third of college students drop out at the end of their freshman year. The United States now has the highest college dropout rate in the industrial world.
Thrivers by Michelle Borba

Boundaries

I have to set clear boundaries – with consequences.

It’s really hard when there are few arbitrary consequences that matter with older teens and young adults.

Natural consequences can be scary and dangerous. Risk taking isn’t such a big deal with small kids. They might get a bruise or at worst a broken bone. Older teens and young adults might get in trouble with legal authorities or cause real irreparable harm to themselves and others.

I don’t want to the younger kids exposed to inappropriate media. I don’t want my younger kids exposed to porn, racist or sexist jokes, or violence.

Social media continues to expose the masses to a plethora of information, not all of it good. We use it as education as to boundaries, what’s worthwhile and what is abusive or vile.

I say often why something is inappropriate. Often I feel it shouldn’t be consumed by anyone.

I teach about tone and sarcasm. We need to practice kindness and I must model it for them to be to recognize it.

Why should we exploit others for entertainment?

Preparation

Preparing for the future is most important for young adults.

The goal is that they be successful and independent citizens.

I try to begin young with all my kids, teaching them valuable life skills.

I discuss finances, values, goals frequently about things they understand.

They know when we have struggled financially because of an emergency. They understand when we’re saving or paying off debt. I want them to realize their privilege in financial security also.

They’ve never known adversity. Other than stress and moving frequently as a military family.

I require my kids to purchase their own smartphones. We pay for the monthly family plan.

As soon as their age is in double digits, they call to make their own appointments, with me standing by to assist if needed.

I encourage my kids to talk to clerks and store employees if they need something or to place an order. They need to learn to communicate clearly and respectfully with others.

Of course, kids must learn to do their laundry and make meals for themselves. I provide a cookbook with all our favorite family recipes.

They must help with car maintenance. It’s important to learn and understand the expense of necessary auto upkeep.

We have 529 college plans, but they probably won’t pay for an entire four-year degree. They have to work part time, save, and apply for scholarships. We discourage loans and the lifelong debt that brings.

It’s so hard sometimes to watch the fledglings flounder, fall, fail. I want to rescue them, but that wouldn’t help them learn to be successful.

You might also like:

Resources:

You Are Not Special: … And Other Encouragements by David McCullough Jr.
Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults by Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harrington
Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns
Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke
How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims
Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel M.D.
Smart but Scattered–and Stalled: 10 Steps to Help Young Adults Use Their Executive Skills to Set Goals, Make a Plan, and Successfully Leave the Nest by Richard Guare, Colin Guare, Peg Dawson

What’s your relationship like with your adult children?

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Celebrating Holidays

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June 29, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 5 Comments

Maybe some of us didn’t grow in healthy homes or with families who celebrated holidays in ways we want to continue with our own children.

I grew up an only child and I felt so much pressure to make birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day special since I had no one to share it with.

I feel pretty whiny about writing this, but it seems like it needs to be said.

I spent my own money that my grandma sent to buy thoughtful presents for my parents. They were seldom appreciative. I remember my father demanding I buy my mother flowers for their anniversary one year when I was a teenager and I bristled at that chore since I felt it was not my responsibility. I remember many birthdays and Mother’s Day when she unwrapped perfumes and whatnot that my father purchased and said were from me. We usually went out to dinner for steak on birthdays.

My mother always wants more and loves shopping as entertainment. I don’t share that hobby. It stresses me out.

I remember most of my birthdays were when my father was out of town on business trips. My mother invited her family and my school mates and neighborhood friends. I realized when I got older that my father didn’t like gatherings.

Christmases were always pretty stressful when I was young. My mom is the youngest child of six and everyone getting together on Christmas Eve was bound to end in negativity on someone’s part. I was mostly too young to notice, but I knew my parents fought about it before and afterwards. Most years, my dad stayed at home while I accompanied my mother to the Christmas Eve party. My grandmother passed when I was 16, and it all deteriorated after that.

My parents usually send me a check, not divisible by 6, so I wonder every year who they don’t like. They’ve started wrapping and packaging weird handmedowns for my kids and it’s always a confusion when the kids ask me about their presents. Sometimes, I don’t know what to say. And apparently my mother thinks I need and use an inordinate amount of kitchen towels.

My parents possess three SUVs, pay a $850 mortgage for a 3500+ sq ft house, receive 3 retirement checks each month, and yet do not buy me or the kids anything for holidays. They constantly complain that they don’t have enough money.

It’s hard for me when my parents ask what I want for my birthday or Christmas and I tell them an item I really want, but they say, “oh, no, not that; what else do you want?” So I usually just say: “I don’t really need anything, thanks.”

As a mom of four, I am dealing with my own issues and trauma. I don’t want my kids to feel pressure. If they don’t want to celebrate my birthday or Mother’s Day per society convention, that should be ok.

I just want to feel cared for too.

I want my kids to realize that some people might have gift giving/receiving as their love language. It’s important to show people we love them in ways they can understand. I know my grandparents had this love language, but it might be only because I saw my grandma a few times a year and she felt a need to make up for a shallow relationship with things.

I am trying to work out my own hurt feelings when my birthday passes by with nothing. It seems that something or other always tries to ruin the day. I try to look at where I failed and how I can live better and model a better reaction to anger or fear and we can still celebrate more appropriately, perhaps without pressure or presents but still a rather cheerful greeting or hug.

I’ve tried to model celebrating with my kids’ birthdays, serving special meals, homemade cake, and presents. I ask their preferences which vary year to year as they get older. I hope I’ve done well. We’ve done away with flashy parties since we have no one to invite and we’re never invited anywhere. Perhaps they’re resentful but the younger three kids surely have little memory of the time before when I stressed over keeping up with others in that way.

I wanted a Pinterest-perfect holiday season before there was even social media. I wanted it to look like something out of style magazines on my husband’s lieutenant budget. Every year without fail, I cried over a failed expectation or the wine spilled or the pork roast was still raw in the middle.

I used to make myself physically ill planning events and holidays. Surely it wasn’t worth it. I don’t think anyone really noticed except that I was very upset if things weren’t living to my impossible level of perfection.

I needed to calm down and reflect on what was most important: relationships.

What memories do I want my family to have of holidays?

There were some recent Christmases when we traveled and minimally decorated and didn’t do presents, but the kids are too young to trade that and asked if we could do it more traditional from now on.

My husband has never shown interest in birthdays or holidays and all the work falls to me and I feel resentful. Years go by and things get forgotten until they roll around on the calendar again. Yet he bragged when we were dating what a thoughtful unique gift giver he was.

The stress of all the past years are like a tidal wave of trauma.

I don’t like knick knacks or presents that will just sit around and collect dust. I’ve purged and minimized so much over the years with all our military moves. I’ve streamlined and curated our possessions. While I have some regrets of items we had to sell or donate, I’m pretty content and I don’t just need more “stuff.”

When we first married, he bought himself a DVD player and surround sound system but wrote my name on the wrapped presents under the tree. I was maybe more upset by memories of my first husband only buying items for himself. I don’t care anything about electronics. If it weren’t for him and the kids, I wouldn’t own a TV.

He tried to buy me jewelry a couple times. The jade pearl necklace and bracelet set was obviously on sale because it’s missing some beads, but surely he didn’t know or look closely enough. He once bought me a children’s pearl necklace set that I returned to the store and he got very upset.

I told my husband just not to buy me presents anymore and he didn’t. He hasn’t.

Fifteen years have gone by.

He bought me caramel chocolates for our anniversary when he was last deployed. Everyone who has ever known me knows I loathe caramel.

My husband never showed appreciation for the presents the kids made him or that I purchased “from” them. I guess he didn’t have a good model for that. He doesn’t much remember what his family did on Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays. Christmas was a huge affair, focused on the kids. I stopped buying anything for my husband on holidays. We were strapped for money for many years anyway and I convinced myself this was best.

I mentioned last year that maybe it’s not healthy for the kids to see us not give each other presents on holidays. The kids asked me about it and I didn’t have a good answer for them.

I need us to model for the kids a healthy relationship, healthy holidays, healthy celebrations. We need to do better.

He bought me a hoodie for Christmas and kept asking all.day.long did I like it; did he do good? It became exhausting.

We have no relationship with my husband’s family so I felt so inauthentic and impersonal sending them gift cards for every birthday and Christmas. They probably misinterpreted my desire and reason to end that practice but I found it almost impossible to find gift cards for them when we lived in Germany and we never found a replacement tradition. I want more than a gift card relationship. I’m not sure what kind of holidays he had with his two sisters and parents while growing up. I know Christmases were huge affairs with piles of presents. I can’t and won’t recreate that.

My parents are not generous with their time, affection, money, or things and it makes holidays difficult when I am torn between being their daughter and also a wife and mom to my own family.

My daughter works part time and I would never ask her or expect her to spend her own money on presents for me or her siblings, but she doesn’t have to brazenly announce that we are not worth her time, effort, or money. She needs to learn to express her frustration in healthier ways.

It is exhausting and painful for me to try to please everyone all the time.

Perhaps I should practice more what I preach: say what I mean and mean what I say. Precision of language.

Most people can’t really handle bluntness or boldness. They need things sugar coated because they’re used to word and mind games.

Children know what they want and aren’t shy about asking for it.

I collect presents for my children all year round for Christmas and birthdays. I pay attention to what they say they like and want.

I focus on food during holidays because those are good memories for me. My aunt always had a gorgeous spread on Christmas Eve, Easter, Independence Day. I learned a lot about decorating and cooking from her.

And my daughter criticized me for cooking too well that holidays aren’t even that special. What a backwards compliment.

Should I speak up and ask specifically for what I want on my birthday and Mother’s Day? It seems selfish and greedy. I’m not one to spend money on myself often.

It feels like a “Mommie Dearest” kind of a moment to sit them down and demand that that my kids do something for me.
But they all miss the point: The true gift any mother wants is not to do anything.
Lyz Lenz

I’m often overlooked and I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking that’s how to treat people, especially their own future in-laws. I want them to have healthier families than mine was and is, what I’m trying to teach them even with my mistakes.

It’s up to me to end abusive or traumatic cycles and this includes making holidays and celebrations a cheerful, not stressful time. I want my kids to have good memories. I don’t my kids remembering their mom sulking every Christmas because the cinnamon rolls overbaked a tiny bit and complaining about not getting anything for her birthday again this year.

Maybe my family doesn’t really know or remember my preferences, likes, dislikes so they just don’t do anything. Maybe they really are thoughtless and don’t even want to put forth the effort. But maybe my family just wants a bulleted list or PowerPoint presentation about what to get Mom on Mother’s Day, Christmas, my birthday.

Yes, I realize we are privileged. We don’t struggle financially or medically. We have nothing but time and effort to improve our relationships with each other.

How I like to celebrate holidays:

Breakfast: spinach onion Parmesan omelet or veggie frittata

Dinner: seafood. I especially love salmon and scallops.

Presents: Always welcome are books from my wish list, bird feeders, experiences, gardening items.

I like to keep things simple.

How do you celebrate holidays?

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Teaching Sex Ed

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Please see my suggested resources.

June 22, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

We are born trusting our bodies and our instincts for what our bodies need.

For most of us, something interrupted that trust long before puberty.

We can’t just allow our kids to grow almost all the way up and then one day realize they are sexual beings and break out some library books to teach them what goes where, the end, amen.

Like my mom did.

She just called me into the dining room and there sat a stack of library books and she said, “have at it” and left me there to look through them.

I don’t remember being able to ask any questions.

I found The Joy of Sex on my bachelor uncle’s bookshelf when I was a preteen. He never censored my reading.

I remember reading one of my mom’s magazines on the living room floor, probably Glamour, when I was about 12 and asking my dad what is an orgasm? He yelled at me, “What the hell are you reading?” and he never answered my question. I felt like I was in trouble. The dictionary definition didn’t help me. There was no internet in 1988. I couldn’t ask my equally ignorant friends or acquaintances at school.

While I understood the biology of puberty and even the mechanics of sex and procreation, it was still a shock when I got my first period.

I was 12, one month shy of my thirteenth birthday. My father was tickling me and we were wrestling around on the floor. Suddenly, he sat up, and told me through clenched teeth to go to my mother. I didn’t know what I had done wrong, why I was in trouble for nothing.

Through some unknown communication, my mother somehow knew and took me to the bathroom and bathed me like I was a toddler. I was stunned, speechless, and helpless. I looked like a skinny ten-year-old. I had no breasts, but had developed public hair the last year. Nothing seemed textbook. The memory is a huge embarrassment to me.

I still wonder where my breasts went. I only grew during pregnancy and nursing and then they went back to flat nippled pancakes. I couldn’t find any clothing that fit or looked right.

I was another disappointment to my mother that I never looked like her in all her mesomorph glamorous hourglass glory.

I had to use my mother’s sanitary products. I didn’t get to go to the store to choose a variety to try or discover for myself what worked best or was more comfortable for me. I wasn’t allowed to wear tampons. Those weren’t for virgins. I eventually began wearing tampons when I was about 16. I was also no longer a virgin then.

My father discovered condoms in my purse when I was 18. Why was he going through my purse in the first place? He stormed into my bathroom when I was getting out of the bath. I never had any privacy. I stood there dripping, trying to cover myself with a towel while he berated me, lectured me, yelled at me.

I couldn’t think quick enough. I could’ve lied that they were leftovers from when we had handed them to the principal during high school graduation, which was true.

The scenario dissolved into my parents forbidding me to see my boyfriend anymore. They told me I could leave with the clothes on my back if I didn’t like. I prepared to leave. I was already a sophomore in college with a part-time job. But I had nowhere else to go, nowhere to live. No family or friends would take me in. My boyfriend’s parents wouldn’t intervene to let me live there. The best they could offer was maybe I could move in with his sister, a single mom. It wasn’t appealing to me.

I was lost and alone and on the cusp of adulthood, with my parents treating me like a juvenile delinquent.

The relationship never improved.

I snuck around for months with my boyfriend only to break up with him in an ugly immature way because of the stress.

It ruined many future relationships for me. I didn’t know how to have healthy relationships. I was in my early twenties, living at home and going to college, having to pretend I was an adult while having to sneak around with friends, dates, boyfriends.

I want to help my children grow up more healthy than I did.

Children need mentors instead of gatekeepers.

We have to start the conversation about sexual health when children are very young, with those first innocent and precious, maybe uncomfortable for us, questions.

Where do babies come from?

How are boys and girls different?

What are those bugs or animals doing together?

Talking about sexual health with the children in your world encompasses many topics, not just sex, puberty and reproduction. The exciting part is that we generally have about 18 years to roll it all out. Starting early, approaching subjects gradually using age-appropriate language throughout their development, makes it a lot less overwhelming or awkward than trying to cram it into one talk.
Sex Positive Families

We need to answer honestly, but not overwhelmingly, according to the child’s age and ability.

I think it’s best to avoid cartoons, fruit, cutesy birds and bees analogies.

I often panicked and overtalked when my son wanted a very simple answer.

It’s best to keep it simple and teach the proper names for all body parts for both male and female to our sons and daughters.

Maybe we should stop projecting our own sexual hangups onto others. My parents and The Church didn’t give useful or healthy advice.

And stop sexualizing children and teens. Stop assuming, joking, encouraging, or asking kids about romantic relationships. They’re children.

Comprehensive sex education gives kids & teens the resources to make the healthiest decisions for themselves. This isn’t radical; it’s ethical.
Eric Sprankle, Psy.D.

Sexual health is more than sex.

Comprehensive Sex Education:

Human Development (including reproduction, puberty, sexual orientation, and gender identity)
Relationships (including families, friendships, romantic relationships and dating)
Personal Skills (including communication, negotiation, and decision-making)
Sexual Behavior (including abstinence and sexuality throughout life)
Sexual Health (including sexually transmitted diseases, contraception, and pregnancy)
Society and Culture (including gender roles, diversity, and sexuality in the media)

Teaching human development seems like the easy part! It’s science. It is unemotional. This goes here and this happens and sometimes there is procreation. This is neutral ground.

Relationships are a bit more difficult as we are almost all still dealing with our own issues and navigating through them. It’s important that kids and teens know what a healthy relationship looks like, especially since I am still learning how to do this myself.

We all are still learning personal skills and how to get along well.

As far as behavior, health, and culture, that’s where things tend to get more difficult!

We cannot just focus on abstinence and STIs and call it a day. When generations of people fear sex and think it’s all bad and struggle with healthy relationships, we have to change something.

I have witnessed some disturbing acts this past year.

On two separate occasions, with two different families, parents teased their children and laughed at their cries of “No!” and “Stop!” The two incidents took place while I was a spectator at my son’s baseball games.

One father squirted a water bottle onto his tween daughter and the mother, father, extended family all admonished her for saying, “Stop!” and she cried while they continued to make fun of her and got her shirt all wet.

The other incident, a mother squirted her baseball player son with a water bottle – a little too much in the face, trying to clean out his sandy eyes. He started crying and getting angry and she ridiculed him and told him he was fine, but then proceeded to empty the water bottle onto his head and he got rather hysterical at that invasion. She continued to laugh at him and other parents chuckled at the scene.

I was horrified. These kids are learning that consent doesn’t matter. They are learning they are not safe. They are learning their parents won’t believe them nor do their feelings matter. They are learning that “no” or “stop” don’t mean anything. And they might do things to others and wonder why it’s not ok.

Teaching Consent

Consent through Fear, Guilt, Pestering, Begging, Pleading is not Consent.

Teaching about autonomy and consent should begin when children are babies. It has nothing to do with sex.

Children should have bodily autonomy.

Kids can and should choose what and when to eat, clothing, when to sleep, and how to control their bodies, including touch.

Kids should learn at a young age that they can make their own decisions based on their bodies needs and desires. I assist, coach, and guide them to make healthier decisions. Sometimes, it’s inconvenient for me. (We compromise on meals and sleep schedules. Our family has privilege and freedom with this.)

Model asking permission before touching kids or their belongings and teach them to do the same with others.

Ask permission before picking up, tickling, or engaging in any activity that involves touching a person or their possessions.

Teach kids their bodies are their own. They don’t have to touch, kiss, hug, or high five relatives or friends or anyone.

Teach kids to ask before hugging their siblings or friends and other adults.

Practice asking teens and other adults if it’s a good time for conversation. Show respect for space.

Teach kids and teens not to give out personal information in person or online.

We have to talk about harassment, assault, and rape.

We have to end these ridiculous attitudes about sexual violence.

I don’t want to know his swim scores. I don’t care what she was wearing. I don’t care if she did drugs or how much she had to drink. I don’t care if they had sex before. I don’t care if they were watching porn.

No means no.

Kids have the right to say no and we as parents must accept their no. If and when a situation arises when we must compromise, we have to do so respectfully and lovingly. Connected parents who are not controlling are more likely to have children willing to cooperate and desiring to find solutions that makes everyone happy.

I’ve had the hard conversations with my three daughters about not wearing this or that, about not running, skating, biking, hiking alone. They must constantly be vigilant and aware of their surroundings and who might pose a threat. I warn them about not accepting a drink from anyone or setting food or drink down and coming back to it. I constantly remind my daughters to take up space. I want to believe all women because I think all of us has experienced sexual assault at some point, even if we don’t want to admit it or be really honest about it.

We have to also talk to our sons about respecting all people all the time. We have to discuss his privilege to go anywhere he likes and how he might seem threatening just by his size and strength compared to women. I teach my son to make room for others. I try to calmly point out to my husband and son when they use inappropriate or questionable language, gestures, or block a space with their physical presence.

According to male rape myths, boys and men cannot be sexually abused. The truth is, the figure is staggering.

If we don’t have these constant conversations, then sexual assault will continue and be more and more accepted in our society.

Anyone can be a victim and it is never his or her fault, no matter the clothing choices, or being alone, or being under the influence of a substance.

Sex is rarely about just sex.

When teens and young adults begin dating, sex is bound to become an issue or a topic of conversation. This is normal and natural. How we react as parents is of paramount importance.

The images of dads with guns and interviews and applications to date their daughters is disturbing. Girls are not property to be sold or bought or even protected like she is fragile.

Boys are not all predators only “out for one thing” as media and society would tell us. “Boys will be boys” and they can’t control themselves, we are taught by almost everyone, and especially by The Church.

Sexual harassment and inappropriate jokes aren’t funny.

Intimacy is not about sex. Intimacy is about TRUTH. When you trust someone, when you can tell someone your truth, when you show your real self to someone, when you can stand in front of someone and their response is: “You are safe with me.” THAT is intimacy.

Happy teens with healthy family relationships seldom rush into early sexual relationships with other dysfunctional partners.

It’s almost considered a normal rite of passage for teens to engage in sexual acts. I remember being curious what all the fuss was about when I was a teenager. Then at 16, I was pretty disappointed and society sure labels the girls and boys differently.

I certainly don’t have a healthy sexual history. I want more for my kids.

I’ve asked myself many times to quell my anxiety and do some soul searching:

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

What if my daughter gets pregnant?
What if my son gets a girl pregnant?
What if my child gets an STI?
What if my daughter gets assaulted or raped?
What if my son harasses, assaults, or rapes?
What if my child is nonbinary or LGBTQ+?

I want my kids to know what contraceptives are and what are the risks and how they can be obtained and used. I don’t want them ignorant or afraid. I hope and pray that they come to me if or when something happens that could be life-changing or life-threatening.

Unfortunately, we still live in a society with a government that wants to dictate what happens to a woman’s body.

Most of these questions concern most parents. Of course we have big emotions if these things happen. No one wishes for a teen pregnancy, violence, or the ostracization that comes from an alternative lifestyle.

I hope that I have the right reactions and love to help my child through anything.

Sometimes [sex] is about a hunger to be desired. It may be an escape from boredom or loneliness. It may also be a way of staking territory or claiming a possession, or may serve as an attempt to lock into an exclusive relationship with another. Sex can be a powerful symbol of status and recognition. It can be about scoring or about belonging or fitting in or clinging and holding on. It may be about dominance or submission or may function to please someone. Sex, in some cases, reflects a lack of boundaries and an inability to say no. It can, of course, express love, heartfelt passion, and true intimacy. Nearly always, in one form or another, sex is about attachment. In the lives of our adolescents it is, most often, an expression of unfulfilled attachment needs.
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté, MD

It’s important for people to realize that sex should feel good. We are so enamored of sin and purity in American culture and history that it’s easy to push an agenda that sex is bad, wrong, dirty, or sinful.

There is no “switch” to turn on when a person walks down the aisle into a marriage and sex is suddenly considered ok by society, especially religious people. We are doing young people a huge disservice when we teach that sex is bad.

To those struggling with “sexual sin” (e.g., masturbation, same sex attraction), just know that it’s the person who taught you about sin that is causing the struggle, not your sexuality.
Eric Sprankle, PsyD

As a Christian, I started off with the biblical curriculum that seems to be pretty approved across the evangelical board. Most of it is ok. It also misses many marks that affect our society.

Do I want gaps in my kids’ education? Of course not. Do I want my kids learning from their friends, the media, Netflix shows, Hollywood? Not without an open conversation, a safe space where they can ask me questions, and discuss difficult topics with me.

I want my kids and teens and young adults to be able to ask me the hard questions, even if it makes me uncomfortable, even if I don’t know the best answer. We can discuss it and discover the best course of action or philosophy together.

The body is much sinned against, even in a religion based on the Incarnation. Religion has often presented the body as the source of evil, ambiguity, lust, and seduction. This is utterly false and irreverent. The body is sacred.
John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

Pornography is not real life.

Sexual media is fantasy. Kids and teens are exposed to a lot of fake bodies and abusive sexual and relationship circumstances in the media.

It’s important to talk about these issues with kids and teens before we realize they’re viewing porn online, on smartphones, or with their friends.

Internet and social media makes everything instantly accessible. It doesn’t seem to matter if there are parental controls on devices. If kids are curious, they will find a way.

We have to discuss the dangers of pornography and its exploitation of males and females. We have to talk about sexting before we discover photos of underage teens on devices.

I am blessed that my nineteen year old daughter feels safe to be open with me about her life. I don’t have to agree, but it is her life and her body. I can only guide her and tell her about my past and help her make good choices for herself.

Many people regardless of faith or background feel fear or even disgust regarding many sexual topics. It’s important to move past issues that are uncomfortable for me. That means that I have to learn about things that I never knew before.

Sex is about pleasure. It should never be degrading or demeaning or humiliating.

We have to talk about gender.

If our teen speaks up about sex, sexuality, or gender…listen, love, and be humble.

The concepts of gender and sexual orientation are awkward for many of us whether we grew up in religious homes or not. Gender fluidity wasn’t acceptable until recently. We are still working out LGBTQ+ equality in our society.

For people who cannot accept gender or sexual differences other than binary cishet, please ask yourself why and don’t just wrongly quote religious texts to justify your hatred and intolerance.

I want to be respectful of everyone. I am learning how to do this.

I had students who were abused because their Christian parents couldn’t accept who they are.

The discovery of one’s sexual preference doesn’t have to be a trauma. It’s a trauma because it’s such a traumatized society.
James Baldwin

When I was in college, I didn’t know sexual slang or anything about pornography. I was sheltered and naïve.

As a student and even after I graduated, I was the butt of many jokes from classmates, partners, and then from my high school students during my first few years of teaching.

I don’t want my kids to feel shame because they don’t know something that everyone else seems to know.

A couple books that really helped me as a parent heal from all the lies our society teaches about sex:

The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You’ve Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski

Sex is a difficult topic for many parents. We just have to do better.

I’ve written about sex ed before and my philosophy is evolving as my kids grow up and I learn how to parent better.

Book List

Maybe preview so you’re prepared before you read these to your kids or hand them to your kids to read.

My Body! What I Say Goes!: A book to empower and teach children about personal body safety, feelings, safe and unsafe touch, private parts, secrets and surprises, consent, and respectful relationships by Jayneen Sanders
Amazing You: Getting Smart About Your Private Parts by Gail Saltz
It’s Not the Stork!: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie H. Harris
It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris (My husband read this with our son.)
It’s So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families by Robie H. Harris
The Period Book: A Girl’s Guide to Growing Up by Karen Gravelle and Jennifer Gravelle
Body Drama: Real Girls, Real Bodies, Real Issues, Real Answers by Nancy Amanda Redd
Cycle Savvy: The Smart Teen’s Guide to the Mysteries of Her Body by Toni Weschler
Malia’s Magnificent Moontime: A Holistic Guide to Menstrual Self-Care by Angela Shabazz and Kendi Shabazz Muhammad
Moon Mother, Moon Daughter by Janet Lucy and Terri Allison
Celebrate Your Body by Sonya Renee Taylor and Book 2 by Dr. Carrie Leff
The Girls’ Guide to Sex Education: Over 100 Honest Answers to Urgent Questions about Puberty, Relationships, and Growing Up by Michelle Hope, M.A.
Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-and-Answer Book for Kids by Joanna Cole
Sex is a Funny Word: A Book about Bodies, Feelings, and YOU by Cory Silverberg
Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education: Every Teen’s Guide to Healthy Sexual Relationships by Jennifer Lang, MD
S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties by Heather Corinna
Changing Bodies, Changing Lives: Expanded Third Edition: A Book for Teens on Sex and Relationships by Ruth Bell
Unprotected Texts: The Bible’s Surprising Contradictions About Sex and Desire by Jennifer Wright Knust
The Gender Wheel: a story about bodies and gender for every body by Maya Christina Gonzalez
It Feels Good to Be Yourself: A Book About Gender Identity by Theresa Thorn
Pink Is for Boys by Robb Pearlman
Sparkle Boy by Leslea Newman
Julián Is a Mermaid by Jessica Love
Gracefully Grayson by Ami Polonsky
Small Gods by Terry Pratchett
Sense and Goodness Without God: A Defense of Metaphysical Naturalism by Richard Carrier
Tell Me: What Children Really Want to Know About Bodies, Sex, and Emotions by Katharina von der Gathen. Read a review.
Who Are You? The Kid’s Guide to Gender Identity by Brook Pessin-Whedbee
Maybe He Just Likes You by Barbara Dee
That’s What Friends Do by Cathleen Barnhart
Express Yourself by Emily Roberts
Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends by Patti Kelley Criswell
What Does Consent Really Mean? by Pete and Thalia Wallis
C is for Consent by Eleanor Morrison
Consent (for Kids!): Boundaries, Respect, and Being in Charge of YOU by Rachel Brian
Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education: Every Teen’s Guide to Healthy Sexual Relationships by Jennifer Lang
Making Sense of “It”: A Guide to Sex for Teens (and Their Parents, Too!) by Alison Macklin
A Better Way to Teach Kids about Sex by Laura Padilla-Walker, Dean M. Busby, Chelom E. Leavitt, and Jason S. Carroll

Resources

These books and resources can be a great education for those of us with gaps and questions. We should want to do better and have a more open, trusting relationship with our children than we perhaps did with our parents. I’ve read and watched a lot of it with my own teens so we can discuss the concepts, issues, and scenes.

When young people are not informed early that their bodies can be a safe place for them to get to know, to explore, and that it can be pleasurable to do so… or when they’re taught about sex only from a reproductive standpoint without discussion of pleasure, we do not adequately prepare them with the necessary awareness, language and interpersonal skills that best ensure their safety and satisfaction within sexual experiences.
An attempt to deny or dismiss pleasure contributes to higher incidences of “consenting” to sex when it isn’t truly desired; being less aware of the non-verbal cues and unique needs of partners; faking orgasms; and, not being aware of and confident within one’s own body.
When young people are ill-informed and under-prepared, they cannot make informed choices.
Sex education discussions must be shame-free, must include the nuances of pleasure and must be early and ongoing to truly make a meaningful impact.
Ideally, children live long enough to grow into adults. Let’s do our part to prepare them for safer, mutually satisfying sexual experiences when they get there.
When we erase pleasure from sexual health talks with young people, we fail to fully prepare them for safer, mutually satisfying experiences into adulthood.
Sex Positive Families

Our conversations about sex must evolve if we want society to be healthy.

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Red Flags

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June 1, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

It’s important for me to teach my kids about red flags in relationships.

I didn’t have anyone guide me in healthy relationships when I was a teen or young adult and I found myself in toxic patterns.

We seldom see the red flags while we’re walking past them or living with them.

We want to ignore the red flags. We’ve been taught to only see the best in people. We’ve been taught to be polite and compliant.

I realize there were so many red flags in my previous relationships that I should’ve seen, that maybe my parents and friends should’ve said, “Hey! This isn’t ok!” but they didn’t. Even when I knew I wasn’t healthy enough to protect myself and relied on them for help. They didn’t vet my relationships well. They didn’t see it either or didn’t care.

I was deceived about so many things. I had no power to discern the truth.

I was so naive. I was so gullible.

Big Red Flags

Communication

He made fun of me, belittling me, humiliating, shaming. I took it because he was “older and wiser” and I just thought I surely must really be dumb.

He was often distant. He monopolized conversation. It was always about him. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t want to know what I did at work that day. He only wanted to talk about himself.

As an introvert, I’m a great listener. This wasn’t a red flag at all for me. I loved learning about his past and hearing the stories that were important to him.

But I failed to realize that I wasn’t important to him.

Trust

I want to be trusting. I want to believe the best. I’m still devastated that people will lie and deceive.

Years later, I’m still realizing how he lied to me and about the stupidest things. Things that shouldn’t have really mattered.

He lied about dealing drugs. He lied about stopping the dealing. The gallon bag in the hall closet was not full of catnip.

He left me at a party with his friends. I wasn’t that comfortable with his friends. I didn’t know what to say or do around them. I had to wait hours to get a ride home.

After the separation and divorce, he lied about my daughter. I was a puddle of emotions every weekend she visited him. I wondered who she stayed with, what she ate, where she slept. I asked why she returned with infected bug bites all over her legs and the worst diaper rash anyone had ever seen in history of diaper rashes. He had no good answers. She stayed with his father, his niece, his girlfriend. He had to work and he wasn’t that involved or interested.

And I just recently found out (eighteen years later!) he plotted to start a custody battle. But he never paid the child support or the credit card that the court mandated.

His narrative to his family and friends about the divorce are vastly different than the truth.

Abuse

He was addicted to porn. He made fun of me. He didn’t like my lack of experience. He said no one had every criticized him in bed. He didn’t like the way I looked. He didn’t like where I had hair. He wanted me to look fake and plastic like the porn models.

So many red flags before he ever hit me.

Then I really believed I deserved that first time. I calmly patched the hole in the wall of our rental house and fixed the windowpane.

The second time he hit me, I left. I didn’t want my daughter witnessing that.

He was furious with me for being so hands off while our daughter toddled around, learning to walk. She stumbled and bumped her head on the coffee table and he lost it.

Earlier that day, he had been talking about wanting another baby. I was barely hanging on financially. We had just bought a house near his parents. I was commuting to work about an hour each way. He made about $10/hour, developing photo film.

His family is Pentecostal evangelical. This was the first taste of any real religion or church I had. It all but broke me. They didn’t like questions. They didn’t like women being intelligent or leaders. It was hard and I tried to conform to what they wanted. I thought it must be right and good. I never could live up to their standards. We got married because his church said it was sin to live together.

I don’t even remember what my wedding ring looked like. I do remember picking out one together at a shop, but he lapsed on the layaway, so I didn’t get that one. He wore a borrowed, too big suit to our small wedding in their warehouse church. The “reception” was at his parents’ house. I remember cubing cheese in the kitchen and there wasn’t enough food to go around. My father didn’t go at all. My mother attended the wedding and went home. There was only one night in a local hotel I was comped as a kickback from work. Nothing was idyllic. Nothing was looked back on as charming. It was sad and devastating and embarrassing.

I can’t remember him ever giving me gifts. I remember maxing out the Best Buy credit card for electronics for him. I remember explaining and then arguing that the bank card was attached to our joint account and if he blew money on cigarettes and soda, I didn’t have enough for gas to work or monthly bills.

I was criticized by his family for negotiating the purchase of vehicles from his cousin, who worked as a local Chevy salesman. I was encouraged to use that dealer because that’s where his whole family went. I also went to another dealer just to check pricing and loan info. I was able to get a better deal than from his cousin. They accused me of disloyalty to their family. I still find it ironic that they thought it was better to pay more for loyalty.

I should have seen and reacted to the red flags sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20.

It takes a long time, years…to heal from abuse. Trauma reactions continue with my current relationships. I try to recognize where my triggers occur and deal with that so I don’t confuse my husband and children. It’s never about them.

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My Family Goals

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May 25, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 21 Comments

What should our family look like?

I feel like my whole life is a test I didn’t study for.

I was always anxious. I tiptoe on eggshells around my parents. I shouldn’t have to.

I have a rocky relationship with my parents and my husband’s sisters. We have nothing in common. I have different priorities and values.

I’m tired of being apologetic about my choices.

My parents are really well-off financially and have a 3500 sq. ft. house and 3 cars but complain constantly about their money troubles. They sent a few items to two of my four children last Christmas and claim they “do not recall” playing favorites. He sends me daily emails dripping with racism about everything he thinks is wrong with our society.

It’s hard for me to make excuses to my children or protect my parents.

My parents fit every mark on this checklist.

I’ve spent the last twenty years healing and trying to create a healthy respectful family atmosphere for my kids. I had to re-parent myself and work through my trauma and history and grow up.

I want to be gentle, loving, kind, and proactive. I want my kids to grow up to whole and complete. I want them to realize their privilege. I pray they are loved as people and I did enough.

Gentle parenting is “guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding. It’s about listening, understanding, responding, and communicating.”
~LR Knost

I have goals for my family based on what I don’t want. I honestly don’t really know anyone IRL who has a family I want as a role model. I think we’re all trying to do the best we can, but it’s getting harder and harder to be ignorant about being abusive, mean, punitive.

I wish I had been mature and healthy enough many years ago to have firm goals for my own family, but I’ve had to learn by trial and error, making many mistakes and living with many regrets.

My Family Goals

Forgiving.

Parents, children, siblings, and others…should be ready and willing to forgive each other for most minor squabbles.

For everyday things – the bickering that comes with living closely with someone else.

I have always made it a big priority for our family to be active peacemakers.

I have some issues with forgiving, but I’m working on it.

Accepting.

Some things just don’t matter.

Being accepting doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means boundaries and respect.

Differences are good things. Iron sharpens iron.

Introverts and Extroverts can get along.

We respect and accept how we complement each other’s strengths. I have two very compliant kids and two very absent-minded and somewhat defiant kids. We have to talk things through when expectations clash.

There are all kinds of people in this world and we talk about it all day long and at dinnertime.

I am actively teaching anti-racism to my white children. There are no excuses for exclusion.

Motivating.

We should cheer each other on in our endeavors.

Soccer, baseball, gymnastics, academics, job interviews, promotions, awards.

We should be happy for each other. We should encourage each other to try even if it’s scary or hard.

We cry together and laugh together. We help each other through the big emotions.

We help each other through the bad times and lift each other up and over the hills.

Integrity.

Doing the right thing when no one is watching.

It’s easy to do what we’re “supposed to do” when an authority is watching us.

We live in a society of watchers, rule makers, legalistic check markers.

My father always prided himself on having integrity.

He picked and chose where it lied. He would steal office supplies, short change store clerks, poorly tip service staff, and cheat on his taxes. He’s very racist and anti-poor.

It was confusing for me as a kid, but it’s even harder as an adult as I teach my own kids to do the right thing all the time, in all circumstances, with all people.

Apparently, this idea is bizarre to most people, even Christians.

Loving.

Family members should love each other.

Love looks different to everyone.

It’s important to know the love languages of my kids and spouse and actively try to show it in ways they perceive.

Shoulder time with my son and husband. Ice cream dates. Little gifts. Doing the dishes when they need it. Folding and putting away laundry. Going together for errands. Remembering important dates.

Love is forgiveness and healing. Love is duty and unity.

Love is action.

Yielding.

Living as a family often means yielding my will to someone else’s.

It doesn’t mean I am walked all over or invisible or lose my identity. I can never be called submissive.

It means that I feel the other person is more important or as important as myself.

I want my kids to have empathy and sympathy. I have to model that.

It means apologizing for wrongs. It means compromise.

It means knowing my limits and asking for help. It means self-care.

Ideally, everyone in the family should feel that way and it should be give and take and equally offered.

Sometimes the hardest gift we can give our children is the gift of acknowledging and accepting our own imperfections. Angelita Lim wrote, “I saw that you were perfect and I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.” There is deep truth to that. Our children need to see us being human, being real, being our messy beautiful selves so they know that’s it’s okay for them to be human and real and messy and that it’s all beautiful. Besides, aren’t we all a little more lovable when we’re soft and open and oh-so-velveteen-real instead of acting like we’re flawless, mistake-proof, and sharp-edged perfect?
L.R. Knost

It’s up to me what my family looks like, what our values are. I have to model it and guide my husband and kids towards the goal.

Linking up: Mostly Blogging, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Grammys Grid, MaryAndering Creatively, Little Cottage, Kippi at Home, Create with Joy, Mary Geisen, Sallie Borrink, InstaEncouragments, LouLou Girls, Purposeful Faith, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Ridge Haven Homestead, Welcome Heart, Anchored Abode, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, CKK, Life Beyond the Kitchen, OMHG, The Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, Fireman’s Wife, Create with Joy, Being aWordsmith, Marilyns Treats,

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Disciplining without Control

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May 18, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 7 Comments

I see so many posts on social media and I hear so many conversations among parents about controlling their children.

While some parents really do want to control their kids, others realize the language and systems we learned about behavior and child development and parenting – and have used or are using – just aren’t the best methods, don’t really work, and destroy relationships with our families.

Most of us envision having our adult children over for tea or family meals, maybe vacations to the beach, or camping. We want to be there and have fun with our future grandkids.

That begins now while our children are young. We’re building an empire of love and respect now, or tearing down the future generations.

If, in a relationship we feel we have to do what another demands in order to keep them happy, the casualty is our own true self. It is not easy to love the “self” if we have lost our Authentic Self to a dysfunctional power dynamic. This is as true for toddlers and children as it is for teens and for us.
~Viktorija Bert

Discipline is literally teaching disciples.

It’s more like coaching, guiding, walking alongside and learning together. It’s gentle, respectful, kind, loving.

Control is easy when kids are very young. It’s not so easy as kids grow up and learn to think for themselves.

Control is about power.

Power Over vs. Power With:

Using power over others is a form of violence.

We exercise power over others without their consent. When we use power over others, we come from a place that what we believe or want to do is right. As a result of our “rightness” we don’t believe consent is necessary. We think we know better, we have more experience, and we are right.

Using power over others isolates us. Power over stops communication in its tracks. It disconnects us from the other person. It comes from a place of scarcity and it is fear-based.

For example, we often use power over children when we feel there isn’t enough time, money, space, patience, or whatever we believe is scarce in our lives.

This is a place of scarcity and fear that drives us to disconnect. We believe we don’t have enough of whatever we need to listen to or discover what is happening for the child.

Instead let’s consider power with other:

Power with creates mutuality and respect. When we operate from a place of power with, we create a space where each person matters. Power with opens up the possibility of both sides (people) being influenced and changed by the other person.
Power with is grounded in a place of knowing that the relationship with the other person is paramount. Power with equalizes the power dynamics built into our culture and society. It allows for those who have not been heard to be seen and heard.
Power with recognizes that each individual makes a difference and can change the course of events.

Source: Parenting for Social Change

Kids desire to please parents. They want to work with us and are confused when nothing they do seems right.

Kids learn to avoid harsh words and punishments. They learn to lie.

When kids get older, they learn how to deceive, lie, and avoid angry parents. Teens often rebel because they don’t have any choices.

This trauma-induced lifestyle stays with kids through adulthood. It often exhibits itself in chronic physical illness.

I wish I had known sooner and started practicing gentler parenting sooner.

My eldest child and I had a hard time growing up together. My middle girls only experience me as an angry mom for a few years, but that was too long and I see it in their anxiety and shyness. It took a long time to heal us and I’m still working hard on that. My son has never know me as a harsh parent and he flourishes.

We can do better as parents.

Don’t stifle your child.

Don’t overschedule.
Give them real responsibility with chores.
Allow them to resolve conflict.
Let them to make choices.
Don’t be overly critical.
Don’t be overprotective.

I don’t keep tabs on my kids with smart devices with GPS to monitor them. They purchase their own smartphone when they get jobs to afford it and need it when they become more independent and involved with activities away from the house.

I don’t touch my kids without their consent and never in anger or frustration.

We practice nonviolent communication. If I raise my voice, I apologize.

I don’t critique what or when they eat except to tell them when it’s close to mealtime or to offer additional nutrition to supplement.

I help them make wise decisions by offering information so they learn to make good choices without being constantly told what to do.

Self-Control

As a parent, I have to model self-control and help my child to learn it. This is co-regulation. I have to re-parent myself in order to be a better parent to my kids.

Natural Helpers

We have to get our outside time very day and stay healthy by building our immunity. Physical health affect mental health and vice versa.

Nature Exposure
Exercise
Sunshine and Fresh Air
Getting enough rest and sleep
Supplements like Vitamin D
Essential oils

Leadership

We practice servant leadership in our home and I encourage my kids to be peacemakers.

Attachment

My children are supposed to be attached to their parents. I set clear boundaries as my kids get older and more independent, but I am pleased they seek me out to help when they need it.

I want to have healthy relationships with my kids as they grow up.

Book Resources:

Screenwise by Devorah Heitner
Raising Humans in a Digital World: Helping Kids Build a Healthy Relationship with Technology by Diana Graber
Raising a Screen-Smart Kid: Embrace the Good and Avoid the Bad in the Digital Age by Julianna Miner
Viral Parenting: A Guide to Setting Boundaries, Building Trust, and Raising Responsible Kids in an Online World by Mindy McKnight
Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction Is Hijacking Our Kids – and How to Break the Trance by Nichola Kardaras
Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl
Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman
How Children Learn by John Holt
Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray
Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident, and Capable Children by Angela J. Hanscom
Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne
Free-Range Kids: How Parents and Teachers Can Let Go and Let Grow by Lenore Skenazy
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté
The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté

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