I don’t teach purity to my children.

I have three daughters and one son. Of course I want them to have healthy sexual values.

But some Christians aren’t even really sure what healthy sexual values should be.

I didn’t grow up with any moral compass. Appearances mattered more than my heart and soul. I made lots of mistakes.

I don’t think the Christian purity movement is the answer. I don’t think old-fashioned courting is the answer. I’m not fond of any of these terms or “spiritual movements.”

What is purity?

Free of dirt, pollutants, infectious agents, or other unwanted elements
Containing nothing inappropriate or extraneous
Having no moral failing or guilt

None of us is ever pure.

Children are often (and should be) innocent in the ways of the world, but eventually, the world seeps in despite all our parental efforts to protect.

I don’t want my children to grow up with no knowledge of the world, to fall into the trusting trap that all people are inherently good. I want them to be wise and have the ability to discern.

All sorts of dysfunction arise when you preach against something natural as bad and evil but offer no alternatives and don’t teach discernment.

Only Jesus is without sin.

To teach that we are ever pure is just wrong.

I teach my child that purity is found only through conforming our minds to Christ. I make sure they understand the central and biblical idea of purity and not just conforming outwardly to a spirtual idea without knowing why we should.

Most Christians say “purity,” but they really mean modesty and virginity.

And why isn’t there anything out there to teach BOYS modesty?

To teach we should remain untouched by the opposite sex until a pretty ceremony magically and suddenly removes an invisible cloak on our purity is just wrong.

And if we teach our kids that they are pure until they lose their virginity, what are they afterwards? Impure? That idea doesn’t go away just because a white dress ceremony happened.

Too many Christians I knew in my teens and youth stretched all the limits when it came to their “purity.” They would do everything and anything except go all the way. Even though I didn’t consider myself a Christian, they didn’t make any sense to me with their compromises. I was disgusted. Hot or cold, never lukewarm. Have some conviction.

Virtue is so much more than virginity. It should be a way of life. Modesty should be a mindset and it shouldn’t matter so much how long a hemline is or if shoulders show instead of how courteous and compassionate someone is.

In light of so much sexual misconduct and confusion in the media, I must address the purity topic with my family. My kids ask questions. They know the trends.

Teaching purity isn’t the answer.

I don’t want to set my children up for failure.

Since purity is an unreachable goal for man to pursue in his own strength, it doesn’t make sense to teach anyone can attain it. The purity movement doesn’t allow for failure, stumbles, or regret. It doesn’t teach grace or how to handle any social situations with the opposite sex.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

When we strive for an unreachable goal:

We feel less-than, hopeless, worthless.
We give up.
We become depressed.
We become stressed.
We think: what does it matter then?
We become frustrated.
We rebel.

Why I won’t teach my kids purity:

My teen has no desire for a “purity weekend.”

I know many parents with tweens or teens enjoy the purity weekend stuff. There’s a huge market for all sorts of books, DVDs, jewelry, and whatnot to the Christian population for purity talks.

I have ongoing conversations with my children about all sorts of hard topics and difficult issues.

My teen feels her behavior and values should stand alone, without outward symbols that could invite ridicule or uncomfortable questions from peers. She decided mostly on her own that it’s not the right time for dating now. Her friends all know and respect this.

We don’t feel the need to buy purity rings to symbolize virginity.

If she loses or damages the ring, what then?

If she makes mistakes and loses her “purity,” what then?

I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin, not constantly terrified of having an impure thought, word, or touch.

I want her to guard her heart as well as her body from harm.

It’s more than rules.

I don’t want to be just a rule enforcer with my kids. This is more about their hearts than their hemlines or how far they can go and still maintain their “purity.”

Drilling my kids in purity rules is legalism and doesn’t teach them anything useful. I could mandate when hand holding is appropriate, teach to never kiss a boy, and to refrain from any physical touch with someone of the opposite sex.

It will just instill a feeling of rebellion and create feelings of less-than.

I want them to follow the teachings of Christ, not some “spiritual movement.”

I’m concerned about the patriarchal fundamentalist stay-at-home-daughter cult ideals.

I’ve read a lot of this propaganda and it teaches that girls are only worthwhile and attractive when they are 110% to their fathers, brothers, pastors, and eventually to their husbands. It’s all about control.

I want more for my daughters.

Purity is an idol.

Too many Christians worship the idea of purity. Abstinence of all sexual ideas until marriage. They don’t even want to teach the science or facts to their children.

Ignorance isn’t bliss.

What if “purity” isn’t maintained?

What if a child is exposed to pornography?

What if a teen or youth stumbles?

It’s better to teach the ideas behind modesty and abstinence. Of course, kids need to know what the Bible says about relationships, sexual and otherwise.

I think the issue is about intimacy.

Intimacy:

having a very close relationship : very warm and friendly
very personal or private
involving sex or sexual relations

Children and teens should not seek to be intimate with another of the opposite sex. There is no reason for it. They don’t need practice dating. They should not be encouraged to have boyfriends or girlfriends while they are in middle school or high school. Children should not have private relationships. They need guidance from parents about how to navigate relationships. Intimate relationships very often lead to sexual relationships.

The purity idol doesn’t teach consent.

What if abuse, assault, rape occurs? Is that child no longer pure? What does that say to them as victims? This is just furthering rape culture that girls are “dirty” if they’ve been “ruined.”

What happens when a happy young couple does get married? Does that idea that sex is bad and dirty just magically lift?

I know many parents mean well by limiting music and movies and books with anything sexually tempting. But there is so much great literature and film out there. Instead of forbidding it, why not teach maturity and use it as a lesson? (And no, I’m not advocating 50 Shades of Grey!)

There are still rampant double standards out there:

It is not a mistake when women are compared to objects…
– Greener grass
– Flower that lost it’s petals
– Chewed gum
– Cow (“Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”)
– Fine china
– Precious cargo
…and men are the humans with agency in the scenario.
– The human gardener watering the grass
– The human plucking the petals
– The human chewing the gum
– The human buying/using the cow
– The human owning/placing the china
– The human protecting/carrying the cargo
This is an attack (though subtle) on the very humanity of girls.
~Ashley Easter

What will I teach my kids instead of purity?

The ultimate goal is healthy relationships…not just abstinence of all sexual relations until marriage. Our society scoffs that this is impossible. Certainly it is a difficult path, and most people would find a thirty-year-old virgin laughable. One argument would be to marry younger rather than later. Our culture expects teens to have sex, and certainly promotes sexual activity for college-age and young adults.

How can I equip my kids to protect good personal and moral values?

I will keep an open conversation.

The idea of abstinence until marriage is counter-cultural. The older my children get, the harder it will be on them to maintain those values in a culture that ridicules this “old-fashioned” idea and teaches its opposite, often as a double standard.

I want to be a sounding board, helping them to navigate social interactions and giving them tips to escape from uncomfortable advances, and avoiding difficult situations.

They need practical advice, from learning slang to inappropriate gestures and body language. If they’re clueless, they are potential victims.

I want to be here for my kids. I want to be the one to answer the hard questions.

How far is too far?

If they think it’s disgusting to see their parents or grandparents doing it, then that’s a good warning.

I want to be open-minded and I want my kids to talk to me about their relationships with friends and potential significant others.

What can they do if they’re in {whatever} situation?

Being up front and honest with people should prevent any misunderstanding. I hope that I’m just a phone call away to help if I’m needed.

Having a code word to alert to danger quickly so I can pick her up without explanation is a plan to implement soon.

Always sticking with a trusted friend for safety in numbers is another good idea.

Self defense lessons might be a goal.

I will point them to the Bible.

The Bible is clear that we are not to engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage. It has clear teachings on what marriage should be.

In light of recent events, marriage is a huge topic in the media, church, and in our household.

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. Romans 13:13-14

We should honor God with our bodies: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20

It is better to marry than to burn with passion: 1 Corinthians 7:1-16

We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day. 1 Corinthians 10:8

Ephesians 5 has a great explanation of godly marriage.

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4

We discuss Scripture and how we can follow it despite what the world teaches. Yes, sometimes, it’s hard. Yes, there is opposition from even other lukewarm or liberal Christians.

The Bible shouldn’t be used as a weapon. I want my kids to hide its words in their hearts. We start very young, before they even understand what marriage, sex, or relationships are. We revisit the verses and concepts over and over, expanding on their teachings and meanings as they get older and understand more.

I will point out examples from history and society, both good and bad.

There are plenty of examples warning of the consequences of sexual sin in history, literature, movies, and our society.

I will never teach my kids that anyone is beyond hope.

Mistakes are made and anyone can be forgiven. We read of historical figures who made poor choices but redeemed their past with a 180* and learned the errors of their ways.

We discuss how the Holy Spirit and godly counsel can help us stay strong in our convictions and what to do if we stumble.

The media offers up lots of fodder for conversation and we discuss what’s going on with celebrities frankly. I have discussions with my kids about what’s popular.

I ask what they think and I share my views. Children don’t mince words. They know what’s right and wrong and that is typically absolute. The world compromises and deals in shades of gray.

We’ve also been discussing popular music a lot lately. Taylor Swift’s new songs have terrible messages for tweens and teens and I explain to my kids why her lyrics are bad. We also joke about most songs on the radio having to do with sex.

It gets more difficult when we grow up and are influenced by peers with different views, especially compromising Christians who have a foot on both sides of the line.

I will pray.

As a parent, I need to step up my prayer time the older my children get. They need more spiritual help as they become independent.

It’s very, very hard to maintain our convictions. It’s much more difficult for children with less life experience to stand firm in their beliefs.

I will pray for my kids to have strength.

I will pray for their friends and relationships. I will pray they will be good influences. I will pray my kids are good examples to others.

I will pray for their safety.

I will pray for their spiritual growth. I will pray they can stay busy learning and growing in Christ.

I will pray for their success as adults, that they will discover their talents and gifts and hone them and use them for the good of society and to the glory of God.

I will pray for future spouses.

I will pray for their hearts to be protected from false or damaging or broken relationships. Dating and intimate relationships for young adults (for anyone!) can be treacherous to hearts and minds.

Anyone can have physical sex. Yes, there can be physical consequences. The emotional scars and psychological trauma from casual relationships can often be worse than any physical effects.