I’ve grown a lot as a parent in 16+ years.

I didn’t have role models or help. I traveled this journey mostly alone, often with very poor advice and terrible intentions and horrible teachings.

I have many regrets, such as attending a fundamentalist church who taught very harsh parenting practices like blind obedience from the Pearls. I wish I could undo that year, praying the damage to reverse.

I’ve been selfish, hired nannies and babysitters we couldn’t afford in the name of what society has told me I need more of: “me-time.”

We tried day care, preschool, camps, even school for a month. We listened to “experts” who told us what kids “need” to be successful.

After many trials and errors – realizing that kids are not experiments, not wild animals to be tamed, not creatures to be controlled, not extensions of myself, not a vicarious experience, not evil beings to be punished, not inconveniences to be scorned – I have come to realize that children are more than worthy of respect, and control and blind obedience is not the way to parent.

The media and society perpetuates the ideas that kids are a nuisance, born to thwart our every desire, ruin our bodies, mess up our homes, talk back, rebel, and generally wreak havoc on our orderly adult lives.

This doesn’t have to be our expectation or reality.

Children are naturally desirous of being helpful. They are deserving of respect. They need loving guidance.

Our homes and lives can be peaceful, enjoyable, fun. We just need a change of perspective and be willing to take the risk to be different.

“Obedience is doing what you’re told, no matter what’s right. Morality is doing what’s right, no matter what you’re told.” L.R.Knost

My list of top 10 parenting advice:

1. Embrace the delicious chaos of babyhood. Put everything else on hold to celebrate every single moment. Take a gazillion pictures for memories, but you don’t have to share them all on Instagram. I promise you’ll look back on this time with fondness, after you’re able to sleep through the night again and wear clean and stylish clothes without worry of breast milk leakage. Don’t panic about milestones. Be knowledgeable about babies and biology and development, but do what you feel is best for your family.
2. Please, please, please coddle your infant. Wear her, hold her, snuggle her. Don’t let her “cry it out.” Go above and beyond to meet all her needs so she will trust you and feel safe and loved. Ask for help for household needs from older children, spouse, friends, family members. Your infant is the most important thing in your life. Limit responsibilities so you can stay home and get to know your new little person.
3. Respect your toddler. Let him choose what to eat and wear. Don’t allow societal embarrassment to make you feel the need to control him. If he wants to wear sister’s princess tutu and his Batman mask and cape to the grocery store, let him! His feelings of validation are more important than the cashier’s eyes askance or the disapproving glances of strangers. Let him try and fail and help with chores.
4. Preschool is not necessary, no matter what anyone says. Preschoolers should play. Give them freedom to learn, explore, manipulate their environment. Let them cook with real tools in the kitchen, explore nature, learn how fire eats up sticks, sing, dance, make messes, and how plants grow. Go outside every day.
5. School is not needed, no matter what anyone says. Sure, you can argue that Christian kids need to be a light in a public school classroom, or that private schools will be the best option for high test scores to get into a good university. Don’t try to recreate school at home. Learning is natural. Don’t control it or make it become unnatural and artificial.
6. You don’t teach children how to make good decisions by treating them like they are incapable, controlling their every move, and restricting their access to the world that you eventually want them to be part of. When they finally gain freedom and autonomy they don’t know what to do with it. Guide your child lovingly and respectfully, walking together on the journey.
7. Give kids real books, not condensed or dumbed down versions. Teach them to read and understand the KJV Bible and they can read anything! Give them a real dictionary and show them how to use it.
8. Allow kids to make mistakes and messes. This is how they learn. Natural consequences are the best teacher. Clean up together – without shame or ridicule or blame.
9. Limit distractions and organized activities to encourage imagination and creativity. Provide plenty of art supplies and loose parts for opportunities to create and play. Save items you would normally recycle or throw away. Have more open-ended toys than electronics and screens. Don’t guide play. Stand back and watch and listen.
10. Deal with your triggers so you don’t react poorly to your children. Heal yourself so you can love your child and respond to frustrations in a healthy way. Many of us were raised in authoritarian (or permissive) households and must work through many issues while raising our children with a better way. We must learn to speak respectfully to all children, even more so since we were not spoken to with respect.

Resources:

• A Disease Called Childhood: Why ADHD Became an American Epidemic by Marilyn Wedge
• Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book Of Homeschooling by John Holt
• The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups by Leonard Sax
• Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
• Free to Learn by Peter Gray 
• Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv
• Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne
• Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts With Worry) by Lenore Skenazy

What are you doing differently?

We begin teaching our kids self-control when the children are babies.

It’s the most important lesson.

Self-control is the biggest factor in future success.

What is self-control?

Definition: Restraint of oneself or one’s actions, feelings, etc.

It’s really hard to begin teaching self-control when kids are older, especially teenagers. It’s possible, but very difficult to begin then.

We have high expectations after toddlerhood. We teach our kids to have self-control despite being bored.

If we provide a gazillion options for entertaining our kids, then they will expect that and develop no self-control.

It’s ok to be bored.

It’s ok to have downtime without screens, food, or toys.

It’s a societal lie we tell ourselves that we must provide entertainmment for our kids all the time. I’m not a cruise director.

How do we teach self-control?

For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that heis blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:5-9

We make sure we’re not wasting a lesson when kids are hungry, tired, or sick.

We’re not afraid to say NO.

We say NO to junk food or snacks right before meals.

We say NO to screens when they can play outside on a nice day.

We say NO to relationships or events that may be questionable or harmful.

We say NO to wasting money or time.

We say NO to medicating our kids.

Home

We require inside voices at home. We don’t allow running indoors, for safety.

We actively teach our expectations and provide practice sitting still and quiet.

We have read-aloud and Bible time when the kids must sit quietly.

We expect kindness, politeness, and courtesy.

We use natural consequences instead of punishment.

Examples:

“Clean your room or complete this chore and you can go outside to play.”

“Finish your chemistry project and you can go to your friend’s event.”

Using natural consequences takes the stress off mom and dad and all the responsibility lies on the child’s shoulders. If he takes 4 hours to clean his room, then there is no park time. If she doesn’t complete the chemistry project, then she has to explain to her friend why she missed the event.

If this becomes a perpetual habit, then there has to be a conference and incentives, but we don’t do sticker charts, rewards, or treats.

Chores are not an option.

We all have to help each other with cleaning up our living space.

Home training:

• I model the correct behavior.
• We all work together.
• Attitude is the most important thing.

Homeschool

I don’t push seat work too much or too long. I don’t want the kids to resent learning. I’m fairly lenient for quite some time as long as the kids aren’t disruptive of siblings.

It’s great practice for kids to sit down quietly for writing, reading, drawing, coloring, and listening to read alouds.

By the time kids are about 6, I expect them to be able to sit quietly and respectfully during reading and lessons.

We teach time management and priorities: school work over fun.

I provide frequent breaks and lots of outside time and indoor free play time.

We do not medicate our children. Children are supposed to act like children and the government school model of requiring kids to sit still and quiet for 6+ hours is unrealistic and damaging. No child should be expected to fit that standard.

Homeschool training:

• Blanket training for babies, toddlers, and preschoolers (provide quiet toys on blankets or mats)
• Quiet activities for fidgety hands
• Coloring pages relevant to reading for little ones

Church

We have never brought toys or food to occupy our kids during church.

We’ve never attended a church that separates kids from adults. We all sit in the pew together for the entire service.

My kids glance at me, wide-eyed when they see their peers brining rice cakes and toys into church or dancing up and down the pew aisle. They wonder at the big kids who don’t know how to whisper or who cry because they don’t want to sit still and quiet.

Our kids have been trained to sit still and quietly during church time.

We use church to teach our kids the liturgy, reading, music, and sight reading.

We ask our children questions about the sermon after church and they now pay attention so they can answer us!

We require them to behave during Sunday school. There is no sleeping, running around, talking out, or any misbehavior. Often the teachers are teens and young adults who have little experience with classroom managment. I don’t care how the other kids act and take advantage of a situation. My children will not act that way.

Church training:

• Outlines to fill in on sermon topics
• Coloring pages
• Sermon notes

Meals and Restaurants

I don’t remember kids’ menus or coloring pages at restaurants when I was little. And going to a restaurant was a special event. We only went out to eat for birthdays. And all this “casual family dining” is a new concept. I remember when they remodeled Red Lobster and we hated it! We were expected to wait until the food came and again to wait until everyone’s meal was finished and paid for and the adults were ready to leave. Good behavior was expected. It was a privilege to go to a restaurant.

American restaurant meals usually have coloring pages, TV, or activities to occupy children (and adults). I’ve even seen kids’ corners where parents let loose their little monsters to disrupt everyone in the restaurant. No one wants to see or hear kids running around and screaming at a restaurant.

The rest of the world either doesn’t expect children to dine out at all or to have well-behaved children with self-control.

My kids are taught that waiting for good food is normal. They learn to sit still and quietly in restaurants and to be respectful of others. I am confident taking them to many restaurants that most consider adult-only because I know they can handle it and they love the food and experience!

Restaurant training:

• Coloring pencils for napkins or paper
• Quiet and respectful games like I Spy
• A little sack of tiny animal figures

Events

We often attend concerts, shows, and other events where we must be still, quiet, and respectful.

We start with minor local and high school stage productions to train the kids to behave.

We attend matinée performances, dress rehearsals, field trips to expose our children to fine arts and teach etiquette for these events.

Event training:

• We offer refreshments at intermission.
• We teach about the instruments or drama for interest.
• We provide follow-up discussion when we discuss the show or performance.

We praise good behavior. We guide and teach about bad behavior. We don’t reward, punish, blame, call names, or shame.

We’re diligent in our training. We don’t expect perfection immediately. We work at it over days, months, weeks, and years.

A life-changing book:

I say YES to a lot of things, y’all.

But I also say NO to a lot of things.

I think it’s important to say no to some things even if it means we’re different or unpopular.

It’s up to me to maintain a healthy family culture.

I say no to chemicals in our food.

We seldom eat out in restaurants. We have actually lost friends over this.

We like to eat at home. We enjoy cooking and eating together. It’s fun to learn new techniques and try new recipes.

I know what goes into the food I make for our family. We avoid artificial dyes, flavors, and preservatives in our food.

We save money. I can make steak at home way cheaper than dining out in a restaurant.

We feel better physically and mentally without chemicals in our food. And it’s important to have dinner together as a family.

I say no to chemicals in our personal care products.

We make our own items or buy chemical-free products for cleansing and moisturizing our faces and bodies. We avoid linalool and artificial dyes and scents.

I like Lemongrass Spa for lovely soaps, deodorant, and makeup and essential oils-based products for lotions, body wash, and face creams.

Our skin is healthier and I feel better knowing we aren’t putting toxins in or on our bodies.

I say no to disrespect.

I see it all the time. Parents have lost their ability to say, “No.” It erodes respect within the family.

I witnessed this little scene the other evening while my daughter was at gymnastics:

A little sister was waiting in the bleachers with her mom for big sister’s gymnastics. She had a tablet and a bag full of snacks and activities. She didn’t like waiting.

Her mother gave her three choices:

1. She could stay on the bleachers and occupy herself with her tablet.
2. She could go kick a ball.
3. She could play with some other kids behind the bleachers.

The little girl hit her mother and told her she was mean.

The mother calmly told the girl, “You lose your tablet for tomorrow. Do you want Taco Bell for dinner?”

They sat on the bleachers until gymnastics was over.

It was surreal. So many choices, yet she told her mom she was mean and still got to eat out for dinner? Wow.

I refuse to allow my children to be rude – to me, each other, friends, coaches, anyone.

I don’t want my kids to be around rude kids. So, we have few friends.

I say no to busyness.

We have workbooks, textbooks, reading books for fun and school. We have some teaching DVDs to accompany our Latin curricula.

Some curricula comes with a workbook that I feel is nothing but busywork so we don’t use that.

We don’t do a bunch of meaningless crafts.

I don’t like online or DVD homeschool. I want to interact and learn along with my kids.

And why do we need curricula for life? I see curricula for diversity, character, etiquette, and more. These are life skills. I don’t need a curriculum to teach my kids to be kind or have courtesy. I don’t even use a curriculum for English. We read and write and learn together. I teach them the basics without a curriculum. I just include them in my everyday life: cooking, finances, cleaning, car maintenance, healthy habits.

We don’t do a homeschool co-op. Our local homeschool group has ridiculous time-wasting courses like Scrabble, along with lots of classes I can and do teach myself to my children so I don’t need to drive anywhere. It seems many co-ops are just social events, with music, art, or subjects parents aren’t comfortable teaching. We prefer to stay home.

I limit our extracurricular activities so we’re home at dinnertime most nights. I don’t like running ragged to lots of different places in the evenings. We spend Wednesday afternoons at music lessons, shopping and errands, and gymnastics. We still make it home for dinnertime. During sports seasons in the spring and fall, I sometimes bring slow cooker meals or casseroles to the field so we can all eat a picnic between practice – or we just eat later at home, together.

I say no to technology.

I like to limit our screentime.

The kids have iPads for fun and school, especially useful when we PCS.

We do not have a TV.

We do not have a video game system.

We do not do school online. I have a really hard time with all the curricula online. Sure, it might make things easier or it can be an easy fix during a crucial time when a family is in crisis, but it shouldn’t be the only schooling a child receives. My children learn to read dictionaries and encyclopedias and write out essays by hand before typing.

My kids do enjoy Typing Tutor because it’s important to learning proper typing skills. They play apps on their iPads and watch Netflix when there’s downtime or bad weather.

My children do not have smart phones.

There will be time for them to catch up on all the technology when they’re older.

I say no to social media.

My kids do not have social media accounts (We recently allowed our teen – at age 15 – to open a Facebook account to communicate in the teen homeschool group and Civil Air Patrol group, but we monitor her activity very closely).

I have removed all social media apps from my iPhone. I limit my time online so I can be present to parent and homeschool my children.

I say no to being friends with everybody.

I limit my Facebook friends list to about 150…and I wouldn’t have a personal account at all if I could just have my page. It’s an app…I don’t have to be friends on there with anyone I don’t want. My time is valuable and I don’t want to waste it on seeing a bunch of drivel on social media. I go on there to check in with family and real friends. I don’t need 4,964 virtual “friends” to feel better about myself. I encourage my teen to be wise with her time online too. Quality over quantity.

I just don’t want to be friends with everyone. There’s a big difference between being polite and courteous and friendly…and being friends.

I grew up in a time when we didn’t have to invite the whole class to a private birthday party. But this one girl down the street gave my girls leftover birthday party favors after informing them they weren’t invited to her party earlier that day. WHAT?!

We don’t want to be friends with bullies. We don’t want to be friends with mean girls.

Just because I attend church with someone doesn’t mean I want to be BFFs with their family. I might not agree with how they’re raising their children or treat their spouse…and I don’t want that kind of negativity in our lives.

I say no to Disney.

I discuss our reasons for saying no to Disney here.

I’m particular about our entertainment. I am responsible for what goes into little eyes and ears…and hearts. So much popular culture is just inappropriate.

What do you say no and yes to?