Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Breaking the Cycle of Negativity

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When I can’t offer grace to myself, I can’t offer grace to others.

I must overcome my hurts and negativity to allow my children to make their own decisions and become resilient.

I have authoritarian parents. I had no voice. I kept my opinions and emotions to myself. I was the poster child for “seen and not heard.” I was naturally quiet and observant.

I grew up in a time when I went to school and then played outside until the streetlights came on. During school breaks and summers, I played outside from sunup until sundown, grabbing lunch, snacks, and drinks at anyone’s house who would have me.

But I went through my childhood and youth in a fog.

Most of my memories are negative.

I remember punishments. I remember being snapped at, complained about, ridiculed, humiliated, smacked, switched, spanked, pushed, yelled at, and isolated in my room.

I remember being told I was worthless when my grades weren’t “good enough” because my “only job was to go to school.”

My interests in art, music, and literature were ridiculed as stupid and worthless towards a good career. I was told I should go to college for business or computers, which were not my interests at all.

I was always a disappointment.

The first few years of my marriage I had PTSD.

I lived in survival mode. I could barely cope with daily activities. Without constant reminders from my parents of how worthless and disappointing I was, I became self-destructive. My inner monologue reminded me all the time.

I couldn’t accept my husband’s affection. I couldn’t trust him (I still struggle).

It only exacerbated the situation that we moved out of state twice, I had to quit my job, began homeschooling my eldest daughter, both my husband’s parents suddenly passed away, and I gave birth to my middle two daughters during that time.

Living away from my parents forced me to confront my issues and seek healing.

It took me about 10 years to start to feel healthy.

My relationship with my parents is a rocky road.

My parents visited us in Utah, mid-May 2011, while my husband was deployed.

My son had just turned one. My middle girls were preschoolers. My eldest was the only one who even really knew my parents.

They stayed in a hotel nearby and graced us with their presence about lunchtime while disrupting our schedule and constantly telling my children to go play in the basement while they sat on the sofa to read the newspaper they brought with them.

I would sit awkwardly in a chair, not sure what to say or do. My heart broke for my children, who were confused.

I was torn between being a daughter and a mother.

It was a miserable few days until they had a tantrum and returned home early.

I received a handwritten letter in the mail a few days after that.

In the letter, my father told me what a horrible mother I was, that I should spank my terrible, ill-mannered children.

So he basically brutally criticized me for not parenting like him.

My kids are great kids. Their eating and resting schedule had been disrupted and they were confused by having virtual strangers in our house and they didn’t know what to expect. They were treated like burdens.

I still have that letter.

A few years later, we visited my parents before leaving for Germany. I figured since they’re in their 70s, I would regret not spending time with them if something happened while we were overseas.

We stayed with them for 11 stressful days.

One day, we went out to a local BBQ place for lunch. My husband ordered and paid for everything and I suggested to my mom and my kids to go find a booth to sit and wait. When we brought the food to the table, my mom literally snatched stuff and snapped at my eldest daughter to give her the food. She acted like a starving person. She acted so selfishly that my kids looked at me with wide, scared eyes, not knowing how to react or what to do. I look back and wonder if she thought she was getting out of the way so my kids could have the rest, but none of us saw it that way. We just do things so differently. We serve our kids first and then take the rest, if there is any. We would have bought more if it had not been enough.

I realize my mother suffers her own demons.

During that same week, my father had promised my son that he would take him to his barber for a haircut and they would have an afternoon out to themselves and maybe get ice cream. Well, my dad had a tantrum and left by himself without informing anyone and got his own haircut and was gone a really long time. It was so heartbreaking to see my son confused and hurt.

I realize my father suffers his own demons.

It was a peaceful time in Germany, for the most part. I read and grew and learned a lot about myself.

We stayed with my parents again for just a few days upon returning from Germany. It was a little bit better this time. We recently moved to Ohio.

My parents promised multiple times to help pay for my eldest daughter’s college education, but they lied and said they never promised that – even though my daughter, husband, and I all remember these promises. They said they would help, but when we told them the price of her tuition in September and December, they hemmed and hawed, then finally paid for both semesters – but after the due dates.

They always ask what we want for Christmas and birthdays.

Then they always say they can’t or won’t get those items for various reasons.

My mom sends seasonal boxes with dollar store items and cheap, generic toys that we often just donate to thrift stores.

A year ago, they didn’t send anything at all for Liz or Tori for Christmas.

My dad didn’t speak to me from October to February. He later admitted his feelings were hurt because he felt I only wanted money.

I’ve come a long way in my self-improvement, but this is all bullshit.

He complains all the time how they have no extra money.

Which I could accept if it were true. And no, things aren’t what’s most important.

But last year, they just bought a third car – a VW Bug Turbo and 2 brand new iPads.

Recently, my mom sent some money for summer camps for my kids and mentioned they’ve never supported me in educating the kids at home.

Wow.

It’s just always so confusing and I never know what to expect. I hate feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. And everything they send always has strings attached.

I realize they parented me the best way they knew how.

I am trying to break generational curses.

My parents can treat me however they want, talk to me however they want…but they can’t hurt my children.

I will break this cycle.

I will be a better mom, a happier and healthier mom.

Ways My Negativity Can Hurt My Kids:

Control

Every aspect of my life was controlled.

I grew up and lived in fear until I was almost 30 years old.

I want my kids to feel free – to talk to me, to feel and express all emotions, have friends, learn how they want, go to college (or not) for what they want to study, eat what and when they like, etc.

Unforgiveness

My parents hold grudges.

Loving unconditionally is not something I ever knew. I had to unlearn and relearn so much.

I have to separate misbehavior, mistakes, unkindness from the person and address the situation without shaming.

Bitterness

My parents are gray with bitterness.

They have so much hate. They have so much anger.

I didn’t know rage and hate were different until a few years ago.

Do I want to be bitter or better?

What I Can Do Better:

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to be self-aware of what upsets me, my triggers – reactions to circumstances that may remind me of abuse or negative memories.

I need to recognize covert and overt narcissistic tendencies in myself, reactions that I learned. Some tendencies that I even see in my children.

I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle I grew up in, but apparently, I’ve inadvertently passed on things to my kids despite all my knowledge and attempts to be better.

There’s always work to be done.

Apology

It’s so important to recognize and address mistakes and when we misspeak. We practice sincere apology.

When I make mistakes, I apologize and ask forgiveness. I model this to my family. 

Simplicity

We constantly reevaluate and simplify by minimizing and resting.

Things aren’t what’s most important. We have so many choices, so much material wealth. We can go to the store and purchase almost anything.

Credit cards are a poor option. We want to leave a better legacy for our kids.

Vulnerability

It’s important to me that we all feel safe in our emotions and the ability to discuss everything as a family.

But sometimes, they need privacy and I have to respect that.

While I want to be transparent, I also want to have healthy relationships with my kids and not burden them with adult problems.

It’s a constant balancing of realizing they’re maturing, growing, and learning. I have to adapt to their needs and our changing relationship.

How do you break the cycle?

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Resources:

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The Last Time

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It’s often poignant watching my kids grow up.

I made a lot of mistakes with my first child, as parents often do. I was anxious, worried, struggling with my own demons, learning to grow up myself.

With my two middle girls, I learned to be calmer, set better priorities, love well.

With my son, my youngest, I have learned most of my parenting lessons and practice being mindful.

I’m always learning, and always amazed, thrilled, surprised.

My kids are wonderful people and I feel such joy and pride watching them interact with each other, me, their dad, and others.

We seldom know when it’s the last time as a parent.

  • The last diaper change
  • The last ride in a carseat
  • The last time she lets me wash and comb her hair
  • The last time he says, “Mom, look at me!”
  • The last third grade math book
  • The last dandelion given for no reason
  • The last homeschool lesson
  • The last driving lesson
  • The last family vacation

I want my kids to be independent and successful.

Success looks different for each child.

The whole point is to prepare them for the world and gently push them away bit by bit, little birds flying from the nest.

I feel it’s important not to compare my kids to each other or to others, but to recognize that each of my children is a unique person with gifts, struggles, strengths, and room for improvement.

We focus on healthy relationships and emotions.

I feel poignant and bittersweet as my eldest is now 18. And my middle daughter just turned 13. My third child is turning 12. My son just turned 9.

I want to stop time.

The Last Time

~Author Unknown~

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before,
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.

You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.

But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything.
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.

One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again.
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.

One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.

So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.
For one last time.

Resources:

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Hold your children close, with open hands.

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Teaching Kids About Healthy Relationships

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It begins even before birth.

Those first little twinges, flutters of life inside.

You’re a mother.

And you want to protect her from everything that could ever hurt anyone.

You want to teach him everything you don’t even know.

But how?

With control?

I’m in a lot of online groups for homeschooling and there are always posts asking about the best science or math curricula or how to motivate a crabby tween to complete assignments or how to “de-school” a 4th grader into a homeschool routine.

The concerns are numerous and they are valid and crowdsourcing is the new Google.

But I have different concerns.

How do we have healthy friendships and help our kids navigate friendships in this digital age? How do we teach our kids about healthy sexuality? How do we handle shame?

How do we do any of that when we don’t have any models to follow or mentors of healthy relationships?

How do we rise out of abuse, codependency, narcissism, addiction…to teach our kids about love and kindness?

In light of all the silenced voices who are beginning to roar this past year…I think it’s wonderful and necessary.

I think we need to change our focus.

Instead of (and in addition to) social media posts with #MeToo and #ChurchToo and #AllLivesMatter, accusing and rushing to court…

Why can’t we be more proactive?

What are we doing to teach our kids about healthy relationships?

We’ve often been silent because no one would hear.

Do we want our children silenced or do we want them to realize their voice is important?

There is no time for silence.

I have three daughters and a son. I want all of them to be emotionally and physically healthy. I have to be proactive about teaching them how to have healthy relationships. No one is gonna do that for me. I have to get over my own triggers and hangups to talk to them about the hard topics. I have to talk and teach about bullying, sex, abuse, addiction, mental illness, hate crimes…the things their friends or their friends’ siblings and parents are avoiding or doing to themselves and their families and friends. I don’t want to wait until they experience a negative interaction and don’t know what to do.

My teen daughter has already been bullied and assaulted, harassed and groped. She and her peers think this is just a normal part of growing up.

It shouldn’t be.

She was bullied and assaulted at a military based drama club at age 14.

The mother of the teen boy used all the clichés. “Boys will be boys.” “They’re just children.” “You’re the only one with the problem.” “They should just avoid each other.” Then social media attacks from the boy went on for months. The director and staff did nothing. She quit drama over it.

She’s been groped at school dances she attended with public school friends. It was laughed off.

She’s been harassed at work at age 17, inappropriately touched and spoken to suggestively by adult coworkers. She tells them to stop. She complains to  managers, that they won’t stop. The (female) managers tell her to avoid those men. “Don’t talk to them. Leave the break room if they’re there.” They don’t want more paperwork.

Are you kidding me?

Authorities do nothing or very little to help. Telling makes women the crybaby and tattletale. Many don’t believe us. Too many people ask us what we did to deserve it. We are alienated and isolated, looked at askance. Whispered about behind our backs.

The narrative has to change.

It’s only too obvious to me that many adults don’t know how to have healthy relationships, so they don’t know how to model that or teach it to children.

So we’re dealing with several generations of unhealthy coping mechanisms and dysfunction in families and other relationships.

And it’s getting worse.

Schools don’t teach about healthy relationships.

Elementary schools might have character development lessons and focus on sharing.

Schools probably have a no tolerance anti-bullying rule, but that just makes it much more insidious and dangerous and secret.

High schools don’t teach more than a quarter or semester of “health” and that tends to focus more on monitoring heart rate while exercising, FDA-approved nutrition, and maybe an antiquated abstinence sex ed curriculum.

Churches don’t teach much about healthy relationships.

If anything, too many churches perpetuate abuse cycles and blame victims, shaming those who don’t fit the American societal model of the good Christian, teach parents to harshly and physically discipline their children, and that women and POC or those who are somehow different are inferior and ignorant in a white patriarchal society.

Healthy Relationships

Emotions

Learn and teach that all emotions are valid.

We tend to veer away from negativity and even punish it. This creates unhealthy coping mechanisms and can lead to worse behaviors later on as emotions are stifled and have to find an outlet.

Establishing a secure, strong, loving relationship with parents and caregivers is important.

Feeling accepted and understood by parents helps a child learn how to accept and understand others as he grows.

Many tantrums in babies and toddlers can be avoided.

Deal with the stress. Talk it through. Young kids usually don’t have the language ability or self-control developed yet.

Be the calm you want to see in your child.

1. Power tantrums happens when child hears “no” and he doesn’t know how to respond to that. Simply give him a choice. If he wants to eat ice cream before dinner, tell him that he can eat ice cream after dinner. Tell him why. Give him a choice of 2 different vegetables to choose from at dinner. Limit choices so it’s not overwhelming. Yes, these times can be really hard. Sometimes, they just have to have a stubborn moment to make a difficult decision.

2. Attention tantrums should be mostly ignored. Respond by explaining calmly that you will talk when he is ready to speak nicely. Keep him safe and stay near so he doesn’t feel abandoned. We should model kindness and gentle speaking.

3. Frustration tantrums usually happen when a child cannot do things he wants. For example, my little one used to get frustrated when he couldn’t fit a toy car under the couch or a shape in the correct sized hole in the puzzle. Simply, assure him that you understand why is he upset and ask to show him how to do the task. Don’t do it for him. Offer support.

4. Over-stimulation tantrums occur when young children don’t know how to deal with the feeling of hunger, fatigue, or being overwhelmed. Feed him, put him to sleep, and keep him in a calm place to avoid these tantrums. Be proactive and plan activities around the necessary schedule.

According to John Gottman, children with higher emotional intelligence:

  • deal better with their feelings,
  • calm down faster and recover better from stressful situations,
  • are more understanding and sensitive to other people,
  • make strong, long lasting friendships and intimate relationships,
  • become more confident and successful professionals,
  • are physically healthier,
  • do better in school,
  • have fewer behavior issues, less violence incidents,
  • have less negative feelings and more positive feelings.
  • ARE HEALTHY EMOTIONALLY.

While we (should) eventually outgrow tantrums, we still have the emotions and often unhealthy coping mechanisms from not knowing how or being allowed to express ourselves in a healthy and safe way.

Our American society and church encourages us to stifle negative emotions and always paste on a smile, which is especially a message towards girls.

Empathy

Kids often need to be taught that the world really doesn’t revolve around them. This is an important stage of development. (Some adults haven’t reached this stage yet…)

I’ve found with my four kids, they often teach me empathy. This is their natural predilection.

It’s our job as a parent to model empathy as events become more complicated, gray areas, in our daily interactions.

Usually, toddlers learn to develop real empathy by age 3 or 4.

Begin with language.

“I statements” and validating all feelings are important.

Discuss how it hurts and scares the dog to have his tail pulled. Commiserate with her when she scrapes her knee. Talk about how her friend is sad to have to leave the playdate. The cat doesn’t like sudden, loud noises. Dad is misses her too when he’s at work or deployed.

Use pretend play and role modeling to talk about feelings of others in different circumstances.

Teach and practice proper apology.

Helping Others

If we see someone in need, we must help them. If someone is hurt, we must go to their rescue.

In America, we tend to look the other way. If we help, will we be accused of causing more harm? Will someone misinterpret our assistance? Could we be sued?

In Europe, there are Samaritan Laws and people can be fined or even face jail time if they ignore someone in need.

This idea goes along with empathy. If we can help, we should. We’re always able to go to someone in authority for help if it’s beyond our knowledge or ability.

It’s ok to get angry (or whatever feeling), but it’s never ok to be cruel.

No matter how we’re treated, we must still help others.

Love anyway.

Consent

Teaching about consent begins with babies.

Teach kids that they own their bodies. Asking and explaining what you’re doing from Day 1 with diaper changes, bathing, and clothing is respectful parenting.

Your body is yours. Don’t force kids to hug or kiss anyone. Don’t ridicule if he doesn’t want to high-five or shake hands. Who cares if Auntie Alice or Uncle Bob get offended? They’ll get over it. Kids must feel and stay safe. 

No means NO. No isn’t a game. If no is said, stop the rough-housing. Stop the tickling. Stop whatever it is. No and stop are important words and should be honored. We don’t make light of those words. 

Teach all kids proper body terms instead of slang or baby words.

Don’t be frightened of the word vulva. It is the correct term.

Shaming is silencing.

We don’t use punishment in our house. Spanking teaches that hitting and abuse is ok. We don’t use incentive charts. We don’t use shame.

I sometimes raise my voice, but I apologize if it’s in anger.

Consent is respect. Consent is boundaries.

I always apologize when I am wrong or make a mistake. I must model this healthy attitude.

We’re all human.

Abuse

Bullying is a huge problem. Schools and orgs say they have a zero-tolerance policy but they usually just want to sweep it all under the rug. It’s uncomfortable and the victim is too often blamed.

There’s a societal break when tweens are purposely assaulting classmates with allergens.

Listen and trust what kids are saying and how. Don’t fear everyone, but be alert and aware. If they don’t want to go with someone or take a class or play at someone’s house, find out why.

No “locker room talk” or sex jokes allowed. Once these demeaning ideas abound, it’s harder to get back to healthy ideas.

No ridiculing jokes about race or differences allowed. This should never be tolerated.

Obviously, hitting and physical abuse is a big NO. We’re pacifists and don’t condone physical punishment. Spanking or slapping teaches that abuse is ok.

But many domestic abuse victims tell themselves and think that they’re not abused because “he never hit me.” Abuse comes in many insidious forms – sexual, spiritual, psychological, emotional.

The church has been condoning abuse cycles for decades and this attitude seeps into our society attitudes towards women and minorities, especially.

Control can be a form of abuse.

Hurt people hurt others.

Intuition

Sometimes, you just have a gut feeling that something or someone is not right or safe.

Trust that feeling. 

I’ve often second-guessed that feeling and tried to justify it away. It’s hard when everyone else likes that person or ridicules your worry.

It’s always right.

I have to learn to listen to my intuition and overcome anxiety. I’m learning or relearning to listen to myself after years of being told my intuition is wrong or stupid.

I often ask my husband or eldest daughter about someone, “Is this normal behavior or language or tone?” because I just don’t know sometimes.

I have to address my triggers and heal myself in order to guide my children in this complicated world.

Differences

We have to respect, not just tolerate those with differences. 

There are so many isms.

I am so grateful and proud to see this melting pot of America grow and expand. I am saddened by the hatred and confusion I see in real life and online and in the news.

Our government and church leaders perpetuate these ideas of exclusion instead of leading towards hope and inclusion.

As a middle class white family, we have to be aware of our privilege and how it affects others. 

We have to learn precision of language so we don’t exclude or offend others.

It’s a rocky road towards inclusion. 

We must teach our children how to navigate relationships in a safe and healthy way.

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Eighteen

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18.

My baby is 18 now.

An official adult.

In America, this means you can vote! and buy tobacco products (don’t). You’re still treated like a child, but expected to be mature beyond your experience.

In Europe, you could buy liquor or we could have a cocktail together in a pub.

You still don’t have your driver’s license and that’s ok. I try not to push you to do anything until you’re ready.

I know how stubborn you can be.

You’re my first baby, and I did a lot of things wrong.

I hardly felt grown myself when I had you.

I was anxious about the silly things and screwed up some important things. I was too strict in the beginning. I yelled and hit. I was childish and mean.

Then I began to understand.

You’re the reason I’ve done everything.

I pulled myself out of emotional, financial, and relationship pits for you.

We homeschooled for you.

You were my anchor.

It’s a lot of responsibility for a child’s shoulders to bear.

I have lots of regrets and apologies. I’ve tried to always be honest with you, even when I’m ashamed.

I know growing up can be scary. I know there are so many difficult decisions. Sometimes, I get scared for you. It seems that life throws lots of curveballs within just a few years and it seems like you have to make all the right decisions superfast or you will fail miserably. I feel anxiety but you have to learn and make your own way. If I catch you all the time, you won’t be able to march on. Comparing yourself to others makes it worse. I know it seems like others have it made and it looks so easy for them. I know it’s lonely. Even if you make a wrong decision (like I made so, so many), you will still eventually succeed. Your success might look different than you imagine. You can always make amends, changes, u-turns. Hearts heal. You can change your major. You can get a different job. Relationships come and go.

Life hurts.

You are resilient and strong.

I am so proud of you.

What I pray for you now that you’re spreading your wings:

Voice

I love that you know who you are. I am just figuring that out for myself.

I’m learning to listen better.

I love that you’re assertive and have opinions, even when we disagree.

I love who you are as a big sister. Thank you for caring so much.

I admire your wit.

Be careful on social media.

Be kind.

Maintain integrity in everything.

Use your voice to lift up others and make a difference. I believe you can change the world for better.

Self-Care

Learn what your body needs for health.

Yes, it really does help to go outside and enjoy nature – in every kind of weather.

Drink lots of water. It helps flush out toxins and makes you feel better. Honest.

Eat well and regularly. It regulates your metabolism. You will thank me when you’re 35.

Take time for yourself to heal and recover. But make sure you get back out there.

Safety

I still worry.

I still want to know where you are and who you’re with.

I will always be concerned.

I hope you never have to utilize those skills you learned in that 2-hour self-defense class.

I know I can’t keep you safe like I could when you were little, but I hope you’re always aware of your surroundings.

Finances

We’ve tried really hard to stay debt-free. We’ve had our ups and downs.

I want you to have a better beginning, with no student loan debt. No car loan.

Debt can be crippling to recover from.

Credit cards are not for regular use, but only for emergencies.

Start saving for wants and emergencies as soon as you can.

Money is a tool like any other.

I pray we’ve given you a great beginning.

“Intelligence plus character—that is the goal of true education.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

“Now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for you being here. Make good art.” ~Neil Gaiman

While we have few milestones or coming of age rituals in the USA, I hope I made your birthdays and life events special.

This is 18 Around the World.

What seems to emerge after the trials of the fifteen/sixteen change is a calmer, more self-assured young person.  They don’t need to talk about everything anymore.  They are trying to handle things themselves in a more self-contained way than ever before.  They are preparing for their own life where they must stand on their own two feet.  Parents often are not sure how much to intervene or offer help at this stage.

The Parenting Passageway

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7 Tips for Fathers Raising Daughters in Today’s World

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As Father’s Day on June 17 rolls around, we are mindful that it wasn’t that long ago when a father’s job was to attend his daughter’s pretend tea parties and make her a pretty dollhouse. But today’s fathers must navigate a new world and avoid gender specific roles.

“The fathers of today’s girls need to be engaged, creative and flexible,” says author Sheri D. Engler.

She says today’s dads should encourage girls at every opportunity.

“Women are breaking down many barriers, but there is still a lot of work to be done,” Engler says. “Today’s fathers play a critical role in their daughter’s self-image and can be instrumental in encouraging them to challenge the status quo.”

Tips for fathers who want to raise their daughters to be strong, independent women:

1. Treat women with respect.  

Your daughter is watching how you treat women, and it will have a lifelong impact on her in ways you can’t imagine. You must be cognizant of your attitude and behavior around women at all times. This includes not saying negative things to or about her mother, even if you are divorced. See yourself as a role model of the kind of man you would want your daughter to marry one day, because that frequently influences how women choose their partners.

2. Give her compliments about things other than her beauty. 

It is OK to tell your daughter she’s pretty, but that should not be the only compliment you ever give her.  Compliment her intelligence, her resourcefulness, her imagination, her many skills, her hard work, and her strength. Honestly tell her the unique things you love about her, the things that make her a good and special person.

3. Teach her the magic of self confidence.

Teach her about the power that comes from believing in herself and believing she can achieve greatness in the world, while understanding that there are many girls who simply want to be a “mommy” like their , which is the most important job in the world. In this case, they may fear failing their father’s expectations of greatness. There is a critical difference between encouragement to be who they are and pressure to be who they aren’t.

4. Teach her about what has traditionally been “guy stuff.”  

Teach her self-reliance, such as routine car maintenance, or mechanics in general. Teach her how to use tools while building a treehouse. Go fishing together. Take her to see planes at air shows, teach her photography and go birdwatching with her. It matters to spend quality time with her, because it makes her feel she is worth her dad’s time. And it doesn’t have to stop in childhood. What could you be teaching your adult daughter?

5. Let her get gritty like the boys.  

Teach her how to play sports from early on. This fosters tremendous social confidence as well as body confidence. Or just let her play in the mud and get dirty if that is what she wants to do. Girls don’t always have to be clean and pretty.

6. Introduce her to books with girl heroes. 

There are plenty of books to choose from, so when reading to her let her enjoy a variety of adventures including books with strong female leaders or other books that were written to empower girls. This will send the message that you believe in her. Or perhaps help her write a story of her own imagining herself as the hero or lead character. If nothing else this will give you a valuable view of how she sees herself so you know what’s going on with her.

7. Share music with her. 

Play your favorite music and tell her why you like it and let her do the same. Take her to concerts. If she wants to play an instrument, help her learn how. Music, and the arts in general, can be very bonding experiences.

How did your dad help you or how does your husband teach your daughter?

“The most important change for today’s fathers is that they shouldn’t box girls in or out of anything just because they are a girl,” Engler says.  “Fathers who respect the women in their lives have a better chance of raising daughters who feel deserving of respect themselves. Confidence, self-respect and family support will help them face any challenges that may come their way.”

Sheri Engler is the author/illustrator of The Pearls of Wisdom: A Fairy Tale Guide to Life’s Magic Secrets for All Ages. She is an experienced mentor, medium, and metaphysicist with a background in psychology, counseling and research. She received a BA in Clinical Psychology at San Francisco State University.  All proceeds go to the Angel Whispers Foundation, which was organized to empower young females.


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How to Have a Legendary Summer

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We’ve lived the last three years in Europe and exploring all the history and culture was so fun and exciting.

Since we’ve moved back to the States, we’ve been exploring our local offerings in Ohio and the surrounding areas. We’re loving the warmer weather. And being able to speak to anybody easily in English. While we miss Europe, we try to make the most of wherever we are.

The American expectation of summer vacation is a bit much for us. We don’t have the desire or budget to do an all-out huge beach trip. We don’t live near a good beach. My eldest has a part time job and my husband works full time. As homeschoolers, we still do school work during summers so we don’t ever feel rushed by a schedule. And the neurotic cat gets sick any time we leave for more than a day.

We’re staying close to home this summer.

The kids are fine with roller blading before breakfast and playing in the sprinkler or riding bikes in the afternoons.

We do FREE bowling several times a week.

We live on a small street and the kids have a few friends who often play together. I like being the mom who knows where everyone is, providing lemonade and popsicles or cookies.

I miss the summers when I was young and everyone was out all day long except for meals. It seems so many kids are overscheduled with classes, camps, sports, activities. We like peace and leisure.

We stay up late and sleep a little later and eat when we’re hungry. We like to eat outside on the deck since it’s so shady or have a picnic at a park. We often have bonfires with smores in the backyard firepit.

We eat lots of ice cream.

We play in the woods behind the house and catch frogs and crawdads in the creek and pond and play on the little wooden bridge and under the big trees. We watch the butterflies in the meadow and search for deer tracks in the mud.

We create, draw, sing, dance, dream, watch clouds.

We pretend.

I feel it’s very important that children have lots of free time to play so they have a pretty unstructured existence until they’re teens. The kids still contribute and do chores and help and learn how to run a household, but it’s all necessary teamwork for smooth living.

Childhood should be about playtime.

How to have a legendary summer:

You don’t have to drive 12 hours to the beach or spend a lot of money to have a legendary summer.

Explore the town or nearest city. There are lots of fun, frugal, and free activities right in our own area.

There are plenty of fun free outdoor activities to do near our house – splash pads, local parks, nature trails, bike paths, and more.

Sometimes, indoor playgrounds are just the thing – roller skating, jumping places, arcades, bowling.

Occasionally movies.

We go to the library often.

The girls volunteer at VBS.

Museum memberships often pay for themselves after a couple visits and we love museums when the weather is too uncomfortable to be outdoors for long.

I have a lineup of fun handcrafts the kids can do on their own or with a little supervision. Tie dye, beadwork, clay and paint projects, sewing, cooking.

Dad deploys this fall, so we’re taking a little camping trip at a nearby lake before he leaves. We love fishing and camping and hiking.

Summer is a lazy easy time to get dirty in the garden, play at the park, watch hummingbirds at the backyard feeder.

Don’t stress over summer. Have fun and make memories.

I love the fun matching cool summer looks from Gymboree that are perfect for all our summer adventures and photo opps for our military family.

I miss when my kids were little and I got all the matching looks for picture day:

I don’t worry about dirt, mud, or grass stains.

And kids are supposed to get messy and dirty! That means they’re having fun and making memories!

How will you have a legendary summer?

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A Peaceful Home

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I see so many questions about homeschooling and parenting. In the absence of a village, parents flock to Facebook to crowdsource answers. Those answers are often based on experience. They’re not always the best answers nor do they work for everyone.

I find the easiest and best answer to most parenting and homeschooling questions, whether about behavior issues or scheduling or feeling just worn out from the endless chatter and noise of a houseful of young children is to create a peaceful home atmosphere.

But how does one do that? What does it look like?

When I had my third child, I was worn out. I couldn’t understand why I never felt like I could complete a day without lots of caffeine and needed to nap when my toddler and baby did in the early afternoon, praying my older child just read or played quietly in her room.

I was homeschooling. I was keeping a spotless home. I was doing, doing, doing.

I was exhausted and miserable. I hated myself. I hated my husband. I even hated my kids.

I felt like a failure.

I knew it wasn’t right. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t place my finger on it nor could I pull myself out of it.

I asked my pastor’s wife for a meeting and she arrived at my home where I had cleaned and stressed over providing her homemade lemonade and fresh-baked cookies.

While I expected to be pointed to Bible verses about the Proverbs 31 women, she asked some practical questions. When were we eating dinner? When was bedtime? Why were the kids’ things all hidden away from the public rooms?

I also went to a doctor to rule out physical issues. I was put on a supplement regimen for adrenal failure.

Then I implemented a new peaceful lifestyle.

It took years to get comfortable with who I am and how I live and what my priorities and preferences are.

I shouldn’t have to make excuses for my priorities. I try to be patient with people who aren’t where I am in the spiritual journey.

This is a key to happiness.

How to Create a Peaceful Home:

Self.

Understand your past, your story – and know your triggers. Deal with it.

If you’re anxious or tired or ill, make the necessary changes to heal yourself.

If you’ve suffered some traumatic experience, get professional help to work through it.

Nurture yourself. Pray or meditate, get outside, exercise, eat well.

Deal with finances. Do your best to get out of debt.

Work through any idols or addictions.

Legalism is the opposite of peace. Set goals and priorities but don’t worry about so many rules and regulations.

Realize that we go through cycles and seasons, just like nature.

Space.

Remove clutter. Feng shui ideas really do help remove anxiety.

Go minimalist. If you have to buy something to put somethings in, you have too much stuff.

Soothing color scheme. My house is decorated in all blues and greens, because these are my favorite colors, but they’re also calming.

Aromatherapy and music. We have diffusers in every rooms with essential oils. We often listen to music while making and eating meals.

Practice hygge.

Have tech-free time to connect.

Spouse.

(or significant other or pet or whatever)

Practice nonviolent communication.

Argue intelligently, calmly, and lovingly. You don’t have to hide conflict from your children. They need to learn healthy resolution.

Learn how to really apologize.

Be constant students of each other.

Don’t make excuses to be complacent. Don’t get lazy. Those are causes of adultery and midlife crises.

Yeah, most days are boring and tedious. It’s not all romance and over-the-top. Duty outweighs everything else.

Children.

Model self-control.

Coach on healthy relationships.

Don’t force sharing.

Don’t punish, bribe, or reward. Gently guide and communicate well.

Spanking is abuse. Never, ever hit a child.

Allow for lots of unstructured play time and go outdoors every day.

Maybe you grew up in a household with strife and you don’t really have a relationship with your siblings.

Don’t let your kids make those same mistakes.

Most days are ordinary. They don’t have to be drenched in negativity. Find the extraordinary in the tiniest of things.

Service.

Focus on others first.

But don’t neglect yourself.

We need to teach our kids empathy and kindness. We do that by modeling it.

Do your part to make the world a better place. It may be charity work, recycling, cycling or walking instead of driving, cleaning a creek, planting a garden, whatever.

What can you begin doing right now towards a more peaceful home?


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In the Middle

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What to do with that middle schooler…junior high girl…lost child… between childhood and adulthood?

Our society pushes these girls to grow up way too soon. We see the shocking scenes in the media that many in our society deem “normal.”

Young girls mimic this media and some are desensitized while others think it’s nothing to worry about.

And we still have the “boys will be boys” mentality in our western society.

There’s a double standard.

I say that it’s not normal and there’s no such thing as this Western adolescent mentality – other than the biological changes. And I’ve got an oil for that.

Why shouldn’t she still be that same sweet little girl who holds your hand while shopping and tells you her dreams before bed? Our society says that it’s acceptable and expected for tweens and teens to be belligerent and defiant. Why? It’s just another lie from the devil that divides families. And it’s starting younger and younger.

When I was a girl, we went from child to junior to adult clothing. There were no tween lines of clothing in stores encouraging girls to look older than they are. We should not have little girls wearing makeup and high heels and leather and making “come hither” looks at boys. It used to be just certain high-end clothing catalogs, but I’ve seen it recently in department store Sunday ad inserts. I’ve seen little girls in church wearing stripper clothes. It’s getting closer and closer to what everyone considers “normal.” My husband is disturbed by seeing girls when he can’t tell if they’re 12 or 25 in age. I wonder what high school and college boys think!

What will my son think?

What does Jesus think?

It’s about more than modesty.

Do we want our daughters to be sex symbols or admired for their minds, hearts, souls?

I often have to shop in the boys’ department for my daughters. They like to be comfortable and covered up. They don’t like the low waist super skinny jeans and short shorts. They don’t like leggings as pants. They like the wider longer cut of the Tshirts in the boys’ dept.

Even in the Christian world, we compromise values to fit in with the world. Society says to protect with vaccinations against STD’s and with contraceptive devices instead of discipling and educating in the Word. The devil and the world want us to think that’s it’s hopeless for anyone to wait until marriage to have sex.

And it’s not just about the act of sex. It’s about the intimacy, the tearing apart of a soul who is too young to understand what she’s doing to herself, what regrets she will have later.

God spoke to me recently through this song The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.

When I researched it, the video (while inappropriate for kids) is quite powerful about peer pressure.

So, what did God say to me?

I’m so glad you asked.

That gorgeous girl in the video with the cross necklace represents compromised Christians. These kids are lost. Their faith isn’t strong enough; their foundation is shaky; they are weak; they have no good Christian role models. They struggle with living in the world and can’t stand strong against the pressures to fit in.

…for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me… ~2 Timothy 4:10a

I knew girls like that when I was in school. I didn’t understand it, but I knew I wanted no part of it. Those “Sunday Christians” didn’t appeal to me, but I didn’t know why yet. They have that appearance of being Christian, but they go the way of the world.

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? ~Matthew 16:26

God had His finger on me, but it was many years before I knew it.

Those two kids who almost compromise? They realize their potential mistake just in time and support one another. They have the victory.

I pray that our children can fight the temptations of this world and have the victory.

It begins at home with fervent prayer as parents.

I recently met a kindred spirit in an Air Force chaplain’s wife. Jean told me they have three wonderful children whom they successfully raised for the Lord. They just dropped off their youngest, a son, at his freshman dorm to begin college. They are officially empty nesters. Their daughters, aged 25 and 23, are still virgins and are engaged to be married (or so close they can taste it) to wonderful Christian young men. Praise God for that testimony as a mama!

It is possible! I pray that I have that kind of success raising my children to further the Kingdom of God.

Who do you want teaching your kids about sex?

Culture? School? Lady Gaga? Miley Cyrus? Their friends? Do you trust your church to teach them?

Or you as a parent?

I know which I choose.

Yes, it’s hard!

I choose to teach my children about relationships.

Is it time for THE TALK?

Having THE TALK.

We don’t teach PURITY.

I actively teach my young son to respect me, his sisters, and all other females. It’s not enough to wait until he’s a teen and has been influenced by so many others.

Resources for Discipling Daughters:

“Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you…”

Be strong.

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Praying for Success

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How do you teach motivation?

What do you do with that difficult child? The one who will have her own way. No matter what.

We learned long ago we can’t make our kids do anything they don’t desire to do.

I let it go.

I want a relationship with my children. I don’t want to be a taskmaster. I want them to think for themselves, make wise decisions…not rely on fear as a motivator.

It’s not my job to teach motivation. It’s between them and God. I can only guide.

 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2

Real success is not what the world would teach us.

I’ve learned to pray – earnestly, unceasingly.

As my children grow up into tweens and teens, our relationship changes, expands…

They’re growing up and will make their own choices. I am more a counselor, a coach, as I watch them learn to fly, struggling with the wind.

They come back to rest and ask questions and learn.

Dinner conversations – after the little ones run off to play – turn to sex, drugs, the media, politics, all the evils in the world. I want them to “be wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove.”

I pray that they will be discerning, successful in their endeavors, and that they are led by God to become the woman or man He wants them to be.

And I pray their paths will be easier than mine.

Parenting a teen is hard and the world tells us it’s all but impossible.

I taught high school English and I saw too many teens fall away to the world, parents oblivious or at a loss as to what to do. I watched on the sidelines, helpless, vowing I would do differently.

I will stand firm and fight this fight. And I will win with God at my side.

I say: nothing is impossible with God.

He will redeem every hurt and heal the wounds our words and actions cause.

He is the God of reconciliation.

 Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done. Truly, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.” Matthew 16:24-28

And when I pray for success, I don’t pray for the success the world teaches. I pray for Kingdom Success. I want my children to love Jesus and their neighbor. I want them to shine their light for Him. I want them to live for Him.

I don’t care if my children join the military, become an astronaut, never go to college, become a restaurant server or garbage collector, as long as they do their best and do it to the glory of God.

I don’t care if they never marry.

I don’t care who they love as long as they are loved.

The pressures of the world are often too much, causing depression and anxiety. We live counter-culturally and it is so, so hard. We’re tired to explaining to deaf ears and blind eyes.

I pray for my kids to discover and learn to use their spiritual gifts, to find their purpose.

I pray my children are global, mission-minded, socially conscious, world changers, servant leaders.

I let go of my desires for them as I allow Him to guide them into who they are supposed to be.

Of course, I want them to be happy and loving and kind.

Having a child who grows up to love Jesus is real success.


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Empty Hands Hold Miracles

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We don’t really do a “back to school” since we “do school” year-round. It’s rather anticlimactic; there’s little to break the rhythm of lessons, meals, and constant chores. We have a lifestyle of learning and we certainly take frequent breaks when needed, like during travel or PCS, and for holidays . . . but if we take too much time off, there is boredom.

But there is also burnout.

I get tired and irritable and selfish.

I start to focus on impossibilities.

But we serve a God of possibilities.

Not having any time alone gets wearisome. I’m an INTJ and crave alone time. I start to fantasize about exotic vacations, trips to the bathroom alone even.

Just when I’m at my wits’ end, God shows up in the most unexpected places: Facebook statuses, blog posts, a sermon with a guest speaker, in my kids’ random and violent bear hugs that all but bruise my innards.

I have this amazing family around me, constantly. They’re right there in front of me, gazing expectantly with wide, long-lashed eyes.

I can *whoof* out their candles with a sharp word or thoughtless expression . . . or I can nurture those shy little flames of hope into blazing wildfires for the Kingdom.

When I start to desire to send them away – to play outside, to their rooms – do I stay selfish and go with my feelings? Or do I minister to my family, with God’s help?

And I realize my hands aren’t empty. It’s not so much that my hands are all that important. What I hold in my hands at any given moment can be miraculous if given Power. And it’s not as if the screen I bleed onto should have that much sway over my life.

The rod in Moses’ hands parted the seas. The slingshot in David’s hands destroyed the giant. The fishes and loaves in Jesus’ gentle hands multiplied and fed the multitudes with leftovers.

When I truly empty my hands . . . when I put down the iPhone or iPad, stop typing on the keyboard, quit stirring the pot, let that dirty dish sit in the sink, allow that stinky sock to go another hour or day…

God can use my hands for His glory.

Empty hands can hold miracles.

I can hold a book while they snuggle {too} near for read alouds.

I can fold my hands and pray with and for each of them.

I can hold their little hands in mine as we thank God for all the many blessings in our family circle.

I can caress that soft blonde curl behind her ear while I gently instruct a difficult math lesson.

I can wipe away the tear from the embarrassment of that mistake. Again.

I can envelop him in a big hug.

I can teach her how to knead the bread dough just so.

I can guide her fingers into the scissors to cut out the pattern.

I can lift up she who has fallen.

When I hold my children in my hands, I am touching the miraculous. I am glimpsing God.

Who knows what they will do for the Kingdom?

I can be the hands of Jesus to my children.

What’s in your hands?

It’s all about trust, control, acceptance.

If I can’t accept love, how can I offer it?

If I continue to thirst and hunger, how can I lead my little ones to the Living Water?

We have nothing to give others without giving first to Jesus. He gives through us.

He’s writing stories through us.

In the end, we’ll all become stories. We, as moms, have great and terrible influence over the stories our children write for themselves.

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