What should our family look like?

I feel like my whole life is a test I didn’t study for.

I was always anxious. I tiptoe on eggshells around my parents. I shouldn’t have to.

I have a rocky relationship with my parents and my husband’s sisters. We have nothing in common. I have different priorities and values.

I’m tired of being apologetic about my choices.

My parents are really well-off financially and have a 3500 sq. ft. house and 3 cars but complain constantly about their money troubles. They sent a few items to two of my four children last Christmas and claim they “do not recall” playing favorites. He sends me daily emails dripping with racism about everything he thinks is wrong with our society.

It’s hard for me to make excuses to my children or protect my parents.

My parents fit every mark on this checklist.

I’ve spent the last twenty years healing and trying to create a healthy respectful family atmosphere for my kids. I had to re-parent myself and work through my trauma and history and grow up.

I want to be gentle, loving, kind, and proactive. I want my kids to grow up to whole and complete. I want them to realize their privilege. I pray they are loved as people and I did enough.

Gentle parenting is “guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding. It’s about listening, understanding, responding, and communicating.”

~LR Knost

I have goals for my family based on what I don’t want. I honestly don’t really know anyone IRL who has a family I want as a role model. I think we’re all trying to do the best we can, but it’s getting harder and harder to be ignorant about being abusive, mean, punitive.

I wish I had been mature and healthy enough many years ago to have firm goals for my own family, but I’ve had to learn by trial and error, making many mistakes and living with many regrets.

My Family Goals

Forgiving.

Parents, children, siblings, and others…should be ready and willing to forgive each other for most minor squabbles.

For everyday things – the bickering that comes with living closely with someone else.

I have always made it a big priority for our family to be active peacemakers.

I have some issues with forgiving, but I’m working on it.

Accepting.

Some things just don’t matter.

Being accepting doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means boundaries and respect.

Differences are good things. Iron sharpens iron.

Introverts and Extroverts can get along.

We respect and accept how we complement each other’s strengths. I have two very compliant kids and two very absent-minded and somewhat defiant kids. We have to talk things through when expectations clash.

There are all kinds of people in this world and we talk about it all day long and at dinnertime.

I am actively teaching anti-racism to my white children. There are no excuses for exclusion.

Motivating.

We should cheer each other on in our endeavors.

Soccer, baseball, gymnastics, academics, job interviews, promotions, awards.

We should be happy for each other. We should encourage each other to try even if it’s scary or hard.

We cry together and laugh together. We help each other through the big emotions.

We help each other through the bad times and lift each other up and over the hills.

Integrity.

Doing the right thing when no one is watching.

It’s easy to do what we’re “supposed to do” when an authority is watching us.

We live in a society of watchers, rule makers, legalistic check markers.

My father always prided himself on having integrity.

He picked and chose where it lied. He would steal office supplies, short change store clerks, poorly tip service staff, and cheat on his taxes. He’s very racist and anti-poor.

It was confusing for me as a kid, but it’s even harder as an adult as I teach my own kids to do the right thing all the time, in all circumstances, with all people.

Apparently, this idea is bizarre to most people, even Christians.

Loving.

Family members should love each other.

Love looks different to everyone.

It’s important to know the love languages of my kids and spouse and actively try to show it in ways they perceive.

Shoulder time with my son and husband. Ice cream dates. Little gifts. Doing the dishes when they need it. Folding and putting away laundry. Going together for errands. Remembering important dates.

Love is forgiveness and healing. Love is duty and unity.

Love is action.

Yielding.

Living as a family often means yielding my will to someone else’s.

It doesn’t mean I am walked all over or invisible or lose my identity. I can never be called submissive.

It means that I feel the other person is more important or as important as myself.

I want my kids to have empathy and sympathy. I have to model that.

It means apologizing for wrongs. It means compromise.

It means knowing my limits and asking for help. It means self-care.

Ideally, everyone in the family should feel that way and it should be give and take and equally offered.

Sometimes the hardest gift we can give our children is the gift of acknowledging and accepting our own imperfections. Angelita Lim wrote, “I saw that you were perfect and I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.” There is deep truth to that. Our children need to see us being human, being real, being our messy beautiful selves so they know that’s it’s okay for them to be human and real and messy and that it’s all beautiful. Besides, aren’t we all a little more lovable when we’re soft and open and oh-so-velveteen-real instead of acting like we’re flawless, mistake-proof, and sharp-edged perfect? 

L.R. Knost

It’s up to me what my family looks like, what our values are. I have to model it and guide my husband and kids towards the goal.

Linking up: Mostly Blogging, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Grammys Grid, MaryAndering Creatively, Little Cottage, Kippi at Home, Create with Joy, Mary Geisen, Sallie Borrink, InstaEncouragments, LouLou Girls, Purposeful Faith, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Ridge Haven Homestead, Welcome Heart, Anchored Abode, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, CKK, Life Beyond the Kitchen, OMHG, The Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, Fireman’s Wife, Create with Joy, Being aWordsmith, Marilyns Treats,

I see so many posts on social media and I hear so many conversations among parents about controlling their children.

While some parents really do want to control their kids, others realize the language and systems we learned about behavior and child development and parenting – and have used or are using – just aren’t the best methods, don’t really work, and destroy relationships with our families.

Most of us envision having our adult children over for tea or family meals, maybe vacations to the beach, or camping. We want to be there and have fun with our future grandkids.

That begins now while our children are young. We’re building an empire of love and respect now, or tearing down the future generations.

If, in a relationship we feel we have to do what another demands in order to keep them happy, the casualty is our own true self. It is not easy to love the “self” if we have lost our Authentic Self to a dysfunctional power dynamic. This is as true for toddlers and children as it is for teens and for us.

~Viktorija Bert

Discipline is literally teaching disciples.

It’s more like coaching, guiding, walking alongside and learning together. It’s gentle, respectful, kind, loving.

Control is easy when kids are very young. It’s not so easy as kids grow up and learn to think for themselves.

Control is about power.

Power Over vs. Power With:

Using power over others is a form of violence.

We exercise power over others without their consent. When we use power over others, we come from a place that what we believe or want to do is right. As a result of our “rightness” we don’t believe consent is necessary. We think we know better, we have more experience, and we are right.

Using power over others isolates us. Power over stops communication in its tracks. It disconnects us from the other person. It comes from a place of scarcity and it is fear-based.

For example, we often use power over children when we feel there isn’t enough time, money, space, patience, or whatever we believe is scarce in our lives.

This is a place of scarcity and fear that drives us to disconnect. We believe we don’t have enough of whatever we need to listen to or discover what is happening for the child.

Instead let’s consider power with other:

• Power with creates mutuality and respect. When we operate from a place of power with, we create a space where each person matters. Power with opens up the possibility of both sides (people) being influenced and changed by the other person.
• Power with is grounded in a place of knowing that the relationship with the other person is paramount. Power with equalizes the power dynamics built into our culture and society. It allows for those who have not been heard to be seen and heard.
• Power with recognizes that each individual makes a difference and can change the course of events.

Source: Parenting for Social Change

Kids desire to please parents. They want to work with us and are confused when nothing they do seems right.

Kids learn to avoid harsh words and punishments. They learn to lie.

When kids get older, they learn how to deceive, lie, and avoid angry parents. Teens often rebel because they don’t have any choices.

This trauma-induced lifestyle stays with kids through adulthood. It often exhibits itself in chronic physical illness.

I wish I had known sooner and started practicing gentler parenting sooner.

My eldest child and I had a hard time growing up together. My middle girls only experience me as an angry mom for a few years, but that was too long and I see it in their anxiety and shyness. It took a long time to heal us and I’m still working hard on that. My son has never know me as a harsh parent and he flourishes.

We can do better as parents.

Don’t stifle your child.

1. Don’t overschedule.
2. Give them real responsibility with chores.
3. Allow them to resolve conflict.
4. Let them to make choices.
5. Don’t be overly critical.
6. Don’t be overprotective.

I don’t keep tabs on my kids with smart devices with GPS to monitor them. They purchase their own smartphone when they get jobs to afford it and need it when they become more independent and involved with activities away from the house.

I don’t touch my kids without their consent and never in anger or frustration.

We practice nonviolent communication. If I raise my voice, I apologize.

I don’t critique what or when they eat except to tell them when it’s close to mealtime or to offer additional nutrition to supplement.

I help them make wise decisions by offering information so they learn to make good choices without being constantly told what to do.

Self-Control

As a parent, I have to model self-control and help my child to learn it. This is co-regulation. I have to re-parent myself in order to be a better parent to my kids.

• Modeling self-control
• Anger Management
• Obedience is not Wisdom
• My Family Goals
• Respectful Parenting
• Respectful Parenting During the Holidays

Natural Helpers

We have to get our outside time very day and stay healthy by building our immunity. Physical health affect mental health and vice versa.

• Nature Exposure
• Exercise
• Sunshine and Fresh Air
• Getting enough rest and sleep
• Supplements like Vitamin D
• Essential oils

Leadership

We practice servant leadership in our home and I encourage my kids to be peacemakers.

• The SERVE Model
• Servant Leaders
• How to Apologize

Attachment

My children are supposed to be attached to their parents. I set clear boundaries as my kids get older and more independent, but I am pleased they seek me out to help when they need it.

• Lesson from Noah
• Authentic Parenting
• Love Languages for Kids
• Healthy Relationships
• Emotional Health

I want to have healthy relationships with my kids as they grow up.

Linking up: Create with Joy, Kippi at Home, Little Cottage, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Grammy’s Grid, Mostly Blogging, Welcome Heart, Mary Geisen, InstEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, Suburbia, Our Home, LouLou Girls, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Worth Beyond Rubies, Ridge Haven Homestead, Ducks in a Row, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, Life Beyond the Kitchen, CKK, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Lyli Dunbar, Embracing the Unexpected, OMHG, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Being a Wordsmith, Marilyn’s Treats,

Why can’t children have preferences?

Why won’t adults respect a child’s preferences?

Why can adults have preferences and no one bats an eye?

I’m sure you have strong preferences for some things and you won’t budge on them. Do you sneer at a child’s preferences?

The child who is 100% obedient is not socialised. As great as we think it might be to have our children do as we say without question, it isn’t. We don’t want to raise our children so that they don’t question things. That’s “sheep farming,” not parenting.

Pennie Brownlee

Children aren’t treated like people.

Coercion is about control.

I overhear parents with their kids at sports practices and games, restaurants, medical waiting rooms, and parks. I’m often horrified at how parents speak to their children. They don’t talk to their spouses or other adults that way!

I know which of my children prefers broccoli over carrots. I know who doesn’t like pork and black pepper. I know which colors they like. I know their favorite cups and plates.

I respect them.

A child treated with respect won’t have to spend their adulthood learning they are worthy of it.

A. Simeone

No one expects me to eat something I don’t like. No one ridicules or cajoles me to “try just a bite.” No one expects me to wear a yellow shirt, even if it was a gift. I don’t think I look good in yellow. I’m an adult and I won’t tolerate being treated like that. How would I talk down to a child like that?

I listen.

There’s really no such thing as the “voiceless.” There are only the deliberately silenced, or the preferably unheard.

Arundhati Roy

We work together.

Family dynamics can sometimes be difficult with six individual people.

While respect works best from the beginning, when children are very young, it’s not too late to make amends with older kids and teens.

Parenting Styles

Diana Baumrind created a commonly-referenced categorization of three parenting styles in the 1960s.

In the early 1980s, Baumrind’s parenting style model was expanded using a two-dimensional framework parental responsiveness and parental demandingness by researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. They further fleshed out Baumrind’s permissive parenting to create a separate offshoot — uninvolved parenting, also known as neglectful parenting.

Parenting styles typically refer to types of discipline parents hand out to children.

• Authoritarian Parenting is defined as the adult gets their needs met at the expense of the child. (Parent gets their way. Strict and harsh.)
• Authoritative Parenting is defined as responsive to the child’s needs while maintaining limits and consistency in enforcing boundaries. Consistency.
• Permissive Parenting is defined as the child gets their needs met at the expense of the parent. (Child gets their way. Parent doesn’t say no.)
• Uninvolved Parenting is defined indifferent to children’s needs and uninvolved in their lives. Neglect.

Respectful or Positive Parenting can be defined as both child and parent being able to meet their needs in a way that is acceptable to both. While many seem to think this is too permissive or perhaps even neglectful, it’s based on mutual respect with a parent setting healthy boundaries. It is beyond authoritative style by respecting a child’s need emotions as an equally important person.

Parenting styles are perhaps easily compared to leadership styles. We’ve all worked for horrible bosses or appreciated good leadership.

Leadership Styles

• Autocratic Leadership relies on coercion, and its style is paternalism, arbitrariness, command, and compliance. The autocratic leader gives orders which must be obeyed by the subordinates. He determines policies for the group without consulting them and does not give detailed information about plans, but simply tells the group what immediate steps they must take.
• Democratic or Participative Leadership is a managerial style that invites input from employees on all or most company decisions. The staff is given pertinent information regarding company issues, and a majority vote determines the course of action the company will take.
• Free-Rein or Laissez-Faire Leadership allows maximum freedom to followers and gives employees a high degree of independence in their operations. A free rein leader completely abdicates his leadership position, to give all responsibility of most of the work entrusted to him to the group which he is supposed to lead, limiting his authority to maintain the contact of the group with persons outside the group.
• Paternalistic Leadership is when the leader assumes that his function is paternal or fatherly. His attitude is that of treating the relationship between the leader and the group as that of a family with the leader as the head of the family. He works to help, guide, protect, and keep his followers happily working together as members of a family. He provides them with good working conditions and employee services.
• Benevolent Leadership is committed to making society better both inside and outside their organizations. Benevolent leaders are servant leaders, approachable and accessible. 

Many of us grew up with authoritarian parents and autocratic leadership.

We need to shift the paradigm to respect and benevolence.

What Respectful Parenting is NOT:

• Permissive
• Neglect
• Conditional
• Blind Obedience
• Punishment
• Coercive
• Humiliating

What is Respectful Parenting?

• Empathy
• Validation
• Connection
• Acceptance
• Relationship
• Preferences
• Modeling

It took a lot of work for me to shift my parenting style. Since I had no models to show me the way, I had to work it through by trial and error.

I see how my parenting mistakes affected my eldest child. I see how my harshness hurt my middle girls.

My son never experienced any of that and he flourishes.

What would my girls be like if I had respected them from day 1?

I love this: 15 Habits of Respectful Parents

How I have changed my parenting:

I seldom say no without an explanation. I redirect. I offer alternatives. I explain why something might be a bad idea at this time. I ask questions to help my child with critical thinking.

We don’t make our kids share. They work out how to take turns by themselves.

We don’t force them to say please or thank you. But kids are so empathetic and they remind me to say it!

I don’t force my kids to express affection. This teaches consent.

Every person has preferences and we try to defer to everyone with different tastes, but we also have to all work together for harmony. There’s always something at mealtime that everyone likes.

We discuss courtesy and expectations. We discuss feelings. We teach empathy.

How you tend to your child’s feelings now is how they will do it for themselves later.

Chanelle Sowden

A positive approach seeks both to understand and coach the child while maintaining healthy boundaries.

I don’t desire to break my children’s wills.

Many Christian parenting materials encourage parents to break kids with physical violence and humiliation into blind obedience and this causes many problems later, and the trauma of abuse.

School models encourage teachers to maintain classroom management with shame, humiliation, and threats.

I want authentic relationship with my children. I want my kids to have the freedom to say no, talk back, and question so we can discuss cause and effect.

I am proactive and clearly state my expectations and why. My kids are welcome to politely argue. Sometimes I change my mind or we work for a compromise together.

It’s about give and take. It’s about respect.

I want my kids to learn how to make wise decisions, so they must be able to make poor choices and learn from them.

This doesn’t mean I don’t protect my kids. If they choose not to bring a coat when it’s cold or to wear dressy sandals for a hike, I ask if they think that’s wise and then I toss a coat or extra shoes in the car just in case.

We don’t use punishment as a parenting tool. I would never make writing a punishment. Natural consequences are enough. I use positive reinforcement and guide my kids to develop their own internal motivation and self control.

I use my life experience to guide my kids while allowing them to maintain autonomy.

Screen Positive Parents:  

We have no limits on screentime or arbitrary rules about technology and I don’t police my kids. Devices go to the charging station at bedtime. We do turn off the Wi-Fi by midnight so we all sleep better.

Screen positive parenting is a way to celebrate with our kids their love of technology while honoring our concerns.

1. Recognize that technologies such as computers, devices, games, and shows are a valuable part of modern life.
2. Value the joy and learning and opportunity that screens can bring.
3. Honor the rights of children to access this technology so prevalent in society. 
4. Be critical of the way consumerist society has harnessed media to advertise to children and wishing to protect our children’s rights to be free from marketing.
5. Challenge the societal norms and prejudices present in much children’s media (such as kids’ shows being overly male, overly white, overly hetero, and physically normative).
6. Understand the vast resources poured into manipulating children to spend more time on screen technology.

Screen Positive Parenting: the Parent Allies Guide to Screentime

Source: Parent Allies

Think about that for a moment. I am not the police. I am a parent.

This is not my job.

I encourage my kids to budget their own time and set their own limits and develop their own self control. Sometimes, they learn the hard way when the teen stays up too late and has to work the next morning.

No one polices me on the computer or tablet and I know I have tasks to complete for a smooth running household and home business.

We discuss inappropriate memes, sites, apps and our kids ages 13-18 have private social media accounts and certain guidelines for their protection.

My kids know what they should do and they do it with few reminders. But as a parent, coach, guide…I do remind them and I try not to nag. I am teaching them executive function.

I am my kids’ partner in learning how to human.

Society would rather see “well behaved” children than bold, vulnerable, honest, open, vibrant, curious, FREE children, because those children grow up knowing their power and free people are dangerous to a society that values compliance over happiness.

Oppressed To Oppressor

Common Parenting Issues

What about hitting?

It’s never ok. I am a pacifist, nonviolent advocate. Hitting is usually about not having the language to express frustration. I help by having a time-in until the child is ready to vent in a healthier way.

What about tantrums?

This is communication. It’s the parent’s job to remain calm. Keep the child safe until the tantrum is over. Be proactive to understand causes and be proactive to prevent the tantrum next time.

What about yelling?

It happens. Apologize and try to remain calmer. Model better behaviors.

What about timeout?

I don’t isolate my kids. We do time-ins where we sit near each other until we’re ready to communicate our big feelings and work through the problem together.

What about rewards? What about chore charts? What about praise?

I don’t offer rewards but model intrinsic motivation. A child knows when she has accomplished something and I share in her joy.

My goal is to have a peaceful, respectful relationship with my kids as they grow into young adults.

It took an awful lot of reading to find alternatives to the way society treats children and expects children to be parented and taught.

I always felt there were better ways than what I experienced as a child and what I learned in teacher training at university and saw in the classroom.

I had to re-parent myself and heal my wounds while attempting to parent my own kids. I’m growing up while my kids are growing up too.

Recommendations:

• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg
• Escape from Childhood by John Holt 
• Parenting for Social Change: Transform Childhood, Transform the World by Teresa Graham Brett

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The holidays are a busy time and many children are manipulated in order to receive presents.

I don’t ever like how children are treated differently than adults, but it really frosts me around the holidays.

No one forces adults to do something they don’t want to do. No one asks adults insulting questions.

Respectful Parenting During the Holidays

All children are good.

I don’t buy into the idea of naughty or nice.

I don’t like it when strangers, friends, acquaintances, or relatives ask my kids if they’ve been good this year.

Behaviors don’t imply inherent goodness or badness.

We don’t believe in rewards or punishments. We communicate and discuss emotions and issues. We work through disagreements and big feelings.

Behavior is just communication. It is adults who judge behaviors as “good” or “bad.” Most kids act age appropriately.

Children long to do good and desire connection with caregivers, family members, friends.

All children are good.

Research reveals that a person’s “goodness” was seen by both age groups as more of a biological, innate trait than “badness.” Both children and adults were more likely to say that goodness, rather than badness, was something with which people are born and a fundamental, unchanging part of who they are.

Larisa Heiphetz

No threats.

I loathe the Elf on a Shelf and all its many variations.

I don’t need spies on my children.

I don’t control or manipulate my kids.

Even a funny and cute bully violates family trust.

There is no good or bad behavior. Behavior is just communication.

I’m really irritated by social media posts and blogs offering parenting advice about throwing empty wrapped presents into the fire or phone calls from “Santa” admonishing kids.

Of course people can buy all the commercial Pinteresting trappings for an Elf or Doll or Toy just for fun and/or change the purpose to be kind and respectful with the mission of charitable calls to action. Bravo and carry on.

I just don’t have time or desire for any of that for 24 days.

Ideas to do instead:

• Tomte
• Kindness Elf
• Kindness cards for Elf
• Advent Angel
• Kindness Elves

Gifts don’t come with rules.

I remember some really weird and horrific gifts as a kid. I know it was hard for me to say thanks or hide my disappointment.

I remember my mother being horrified and embarrassed and scolding me later. Southern ladies paste on a smile no matter what.

I realize our society expects gratitude for gifts. I encourage my kids to say thanks even if the present is disappointing. We discuss the situation later.

With some very special items, I do offer recommendations to my kids if it might require extra or unique care.

Yes, it’s really hard sometimes to see something used differently than I would choose to use it.

My kids know that a gift is theirs to do whatever they please with it.

• upcycle or repurpose
• donate
• throw away
• share or not
• display
• get dirty

Gifts shouldn’t come with conditions.

We don’t believe in taking our children’s possessions away as a punishment. I don’t control my kids with their toys. If they have trouble cleaning up, I help them.

Santa can be scary.

My first child adored Santa and anything that dressed up in a costume. I didn’t question the tradition.

We stopped “doing Santa” when my second child was terrified of him.

I didn’t like her fear. I wasn’t going to subject my young child to sit on a stranger’s lap for a photo opportunity.

I argued with my husband about it. I didn’t want to lie to our children about a fantasy commercialized man who climbs down chimneys with toys. We didn’t even have a chimney for years and had a dumb “Santa Key” from Hallmark.

We celebrate Saint Nicholas. We read during Advent.

There is no magic lost. My kids have always loved to read stories about Santa and elves. They’re fairy tales like all the others we love to read.

No forced affection.

I remember being forced into hugs and kisses from aunts, uncles, and cousins. I didn’t like not having control over it. I remember feeling bad for being scolded for not wanting to do it or not appearing happy enough about it.

I try to prepare my kids if and when we visit relatives.

I warn my kids about expectations. I offer my kids alternatives like shaking hands or fist bumps.

I act as a buffer between my children and overbearing adults.

It’s not my or my child’s fault if some grown adult gets her feelings hurt.

Kids own their bodies and can decide for themselves how and when to show affection.

Slow down.

The holidays can be a very busy time.

They don’t have to be.

Consider the natural rhythms of children. Meals, naps, bedtimes schedules are very important for kids.

Most negative behaviors come from disrupting the schedule or not taking kids’ emotions and needs into consideration.

Kids know when they’re hungry and what they like to eat. Don’t force them to try something just to be polite.

Let them open gifts at their own pace or take breaks or even bring the item home to open later.

Let kids help decorate and help make holiday decisions.

Routines need to be a priority. If this means cutting activities, visits, parties short, then the children’s needs should come first.

We collect holiday books that we read daily in December. We watch holiday movies at least every Friday in December.

We can allow ourselves space to be the best parents we can be to our kids.

I struggled to make friends as a kid and I still struggle as an adult. I can honestly say that I don’t have any friends. I would wonder what was wrong with me and sometimes I still do, but I’m learning to accept that I’m just different, with contrary values to most of Western society.

It breaks my heart to see my kids struggle with something that I don’t really know how to fix.

As a homeschool mom, I often worry about gaps in my kids’ educations. What I worry about more is the isolation that often comes with being home alone all day every day. Sure, we go on field trips, do extracurriculars like art, music, and sports. But, it’s still often very hard to make friends, even within the homeschool community. It’s lonely.

Being a military family, we move around every few years, and I think our transience has gotten into our attitudes as well. We don’t see the point in trying too hard if we’re just going away again.

Kids don’t play outside anymore. My children don’t know where to look for playmates and friends. It seems so many are overscheduled with private lessons, extracurriculars, extra classes, and special events that they don’t have enough free time to play.

We’ve also noticed a shift in parenting the last decade or so. Parents are scared to let their kids play outside, even in their front yards. Kids are overprotected and coddled, not allowed any risk or decision making. Parenting is fear-based.

I’ve made many efforts to provide friend opportunities for my kids, but it’s really hard as they get older and into their teens.

Some kids’ brains are wired in a way that makes it harder for them to connect socially with others and make friends. They lack the executive function skills and it’s not something they figure out on their own, contrary to popular belief. 

Kids often need direct experience in the step-by-step brain-based processes that develop social awareness, self-awareness, self-regulation and positive social behaviors.

1. Ask, don’t tell. Ask questions with genuine, respectful curiosity to find out what’s going on for your child.
2. Listen and learn. Welcome what your child has to say. Be calm, listen and make him comfortable.
3. Keep your cool. Your calm coaching response will allow you a little emotional distance, which goes a long way in finding a helpful middle ground to problem-solve with your child.
4. Hold the metacognitive mirror up. Help your child take a bird’s eye view of the situation and reflect on his role. 
5. Honor your child’s aha. Whatever the realization, allow your child to have his own perspective and realizations in the process of growing awareness, reflection, goal-setting and problem-solving.
6. Prep first, then pave the way. Prepare the ground for sensitive conversations by sharing stories from work and elsewhere about how people do what they can for themselves, but sometimes they need to ask for help.
7. Meet them where they are. Better that you recognize your child’s capabilities at the present time and work with what’s real. That helps you both focus on goals and plans that are realistic.
8. Be a cheerleader. Celebrate positive steps, small wins, or your child’s aha and you will keep the momentum going.

In her groundbreaking book, Caroline Maguire shares her decade-in-the-making protocol–The Play Better Plan– to help parents coach children to connect with others and make friends.

Children of all ages–truly, from Kindergarten to college age– will gain the confidence to make friends and get along with others.

Coaching, using the following simple techniques and the Play Better lessons, tools and skill-building activities, creates those learning experiences for your child.

*Social Sleuthing: learn to pay attention to social cues

*Post-Play Date Huddles: help kids figure out what to look for in a friendship

*Reflective Listening: improve your child’s relationship with their peers

Caroline Maguire, PCC, M.Ed. (media features include US News & World Report, Salon, HuffPost, Parade, MindBodyGreen, Publishers Weekly and more) has successfully coached thousands of families suffering from chronic social dilemmas, ranging from shyness to aggression to ADHD and more, and spells out her program for effective parent coaching for social skills based on proven strategies and techniques that support positive behavioral change in Why Will No One Play with Me? The Play Better Plan to Help Children of All Ages Make Friends and Thrive (Hachette’s Grand Central Publishing; Sept. 24, 2019).