Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Teaching Kids About Relationships

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It begins even before birth.

Those first little twinges, flutters of life inside.

You’re a mother.

And you want to protect her from everything that could ever hurt anyone.

You want to teach him everything you don’t even know.

But how?

With control?

I’m in a lot of online groups for homeschooling and there are always posts asking about the best science or math curricula or how to motivate a crabby tween to complete assignments or how to “de-school” a 4th grader into a homeschool routine.

The concerns are numerous and they are valid and crowdsourcing is the new Google.

But I have different concerns.

How do we have healthy friendships and help our kids navigate friendships in this digital age? How do we teach our kids about healthy sexuality? How do we handle shame?

How do we do any of that when we don’t have any models to follow or mentors of healthy relationships?

How do we rise out of abuse, codependency, narcissism, addiction…to teach our kids about love and kindness?

In light of all the silenced voices who are beginning to roar this past year…I think it’s wonderful and necessary.

I think we need to change our focus.

Instead of (and in addition to) social media posts with #MeToo and #ChurchToo and #AllLivesMatter, accusing and rushing to court…

Why can’t we be more proactive?

What are we doing to teach our kids about healthy relationships?

We’ve often been silent because no one would hear.

Do we want our children silenced or do we want them to realize their voice is important?

There is no time for silence.

I have three daughters and a son. I want all of them to be emotionally and physically healthy. I have to be proactive about teaching them how to have healthy relationships. No one is gonna do that for me. I have to get over my own triggers and hangups to talk to them about the hard topics. I have to talk and teach about bullying, sex, abuse, addiction, mental illness, hate crimes…the things their friends or their friends’ siblings and parents are avoiding or doing to themselves and their families and friends. I don’t want to wait until they experience a negative interaction and don’t know what to do.

My teen daughter has already been bullied and assaulted, harassed and groped. She and her peers think this is just a normal part of growing up.

It shouldn’t be.

She was bullied and assaulted at a military based drama club at age 14.

The mother of the teen boy used all the clichés. “Boys will be boys.” “They’re just children.” “You’re the only one with the problem.” “They should just avoid each other.” Then social media attacks from the boy went on for months. The director and staff did nothing. She quit drama over it.

She’s been groped at school dances she attended with public school friends. It was laughed off.

She’s been harassed at work at age 17, inappropriately touched and spoken to suggestively by adult coworkers. She tells them to stop. She complains to  managers, that they won’t stop. The (female) managers tell her to avoid those men. “Don’t talk to them. Leave the break room if they’re there.” They don’t want more paperwork.

Are you kidding me?

Authorities do nothing or very little to help. Telling makes women the crybaby and tattletale. Many don’t believe us. Too many people ask us what we did to deserve it. We are alienated and isolated, looked at askance. Whispered about behind our backs.

The narrative has to change.

It’s only too obvious to me that many adults don’t know how to have healthy relationships, so they don’t know how to model that or teach it to children.

So we’re dealing with several generations of unhealthy coping mechanisms and dysfunction in families and other relationships.

And it’s getting worse.

Schools don’t teach about healthy relationships.

Elementary schools might have character development lessons and focus on sharing.

Schools probably have a no tolerance anti-bullying rule, but that just makes it much more insidious and dangerous and secret.

High schools don’t teach more than a quarter or semester of “health” and that tends to focus more on monitoring heart rate while exercising, FDA-approved nutrition, and maybe an antiquated abstinence sex ed curriculum.

Churches don’t teach much about healthy relationships.

If anything, too many churches perpetuate abuse cycles and blame victims, shaming those who don’t fit the American societal model of the good Christian, teach parents to harshly and physically discipline their children, and that women and POC or those who are somehow different are inferior and ignorant in a white patriarchal society.

Healthy Relationships

Emotions

Learn and teach that all emotions are valid.

We tend to veer away from negativity and even punish it. This creates unhealthy coping mechanisms and can lead to worse behaviors later on as emotions are stifled and have to find an outlet.

Establishing a secure, strong, loving relationship with parents and caregivers is important.

Feeling accepted and understood by parents helps a child learn how to accept and understand others as he grows.

Many tantrums in babies and toddlers can be avoided.

Deal with the stress. Talk it through. Young kids usually don’t have the language ability or self-control developed yet.

Be the calm you want to see in your child.

1. Power tantrums happens when child hears “no” and he doesn’t know how to respond to that. Simply give him a choice. If he wants to eat ice cream before dinner, tell him that he can eat ice cream after dinner. Tell him why. Give him a choice of 2 different vegetables to choose from at dinner. Limit choices so it’s not overwhelming. Yes, these times can be really hard. Sometimes, they just have to have a stubborn moment to make a difficult decision.

2. Attention tantrums should be mostly ignored. Respond by explaining calmly that you will talk when he is ready to speak nicely. Keep him safe and stay near so he doesn’t feel abandoned. We should model kindness and gentle speaking.

3. Frustration tantrums usually happen when a child cannot do things he wants. For example, my little one used to get frustrated when he couldn’t fit a toy car under the couch or a shape in the correct sized hole in the puzzle. Simply, assure him that you understand why is he upset and ask to show him how to do the task. Don’t do it for him. Offer support.

4. Over-stimulation tantrums occur when young children don’t know how to deal with the feeling of hunger, fatigue, or being overwhelmed. Feed him, put him to sleep, and keep him in a calm place to avoid these tantrums. Be proactive and plan activities around the necessary schedule.

According to John Gottman, children with higher emotional intelligence:

  • deal better with their feelings,
  • calm down faster and recover better from stressful situations,
  • are more understanding and sensitive to other people,
  • make strong, long lasting friendships and intimate relationships,
  • become more confident and successful professionals,
  • are physically healthier,
  • do better in school,
  • have fewer behavior issues, less violence incidents,
  • have less negative feelings and more positive feelings.
  • ARE HEALTHY EMOTIONALLY.

While we (should) eventually outgrow tantrums, we still have the emotions and often unhealthy coping mechanisms from not knowing how or being allowed to express ourselves in a healthy and safe way.

Our American society and church encourages us to stifle negative emotions and always paste on a smile, which is especially a message towards girls.

Empathy

Kids often need to be taught that the world really doesn’t revolve around them. This is an important stage of development. (Some adults haven’t reached this stage yet…)

I’ve found with my four kids, they often teach me empathy. This is their natural predilection.

It’s our job as a parent to model empathy as events become more complicated, gray areas, in our daily interactions.

Usually, toddlers learn to develop real empathy by age 3 or 4.

Begin with language.

“I statements” and validating all feelings are important.

Discuss how it hurts and scares the dog to have his tail pulled. Commiserate with her when she scrapes her knee. Talk about how her friend is sad to have to leave the playdate. The cat doesn’t like sudden, loud noises. Dad is misses her too when he’s at work or deployed.

Use pretend play and role modeling to talk about feelings of others in different circumstances.

Teach and practice proper apology.

Helping Others

If we see someone in need, we must help them. If someone is hurt, we must go to their rescue.

In America, we tend to look the other way. If we help, will we be accused of causing more harm? Will someone misinterpret our assistance? Could we be sued?

In Europe, there are Samaritan Laws and people can be fined or even face jail time if they ignore someone in need.

This idea goes along with empathy. If we can help, we should. We’re always able to go to someone in authority for help if it’s beyond our knowledge or ability.

It’s ok to get angry (or whatever feeling), but it’s never ok to be cruel.

No matter how we’re treated, we must still help others.

Love anyway.

Consent

Teaching about consent begins with babies.

Teach kids that they own their bodies. Asking and explaining what you’re doing from Day 1 with diaper changes, bathing, and clothing is respectful parenting.

Your body is yours. Don’t force kids to hug or kiss anyone. Don’t ridicule if he doesn’t want to high-five or shake hands. Who cares if Auntie Alice or Uncle Bob get offended? They’ll get over it. Kids must feel and stay safe. 

No means NO. No isn’t a game. If no is said, stop the rough-housing. Stop the tickling. Stop whatever it is. No and stop are important words and should be honored. We don’t make light of those words. 

Teach all kids proper body terms instead of slang or baby words.

Don’t be frightened of the word vulva. It is the correct term.

Shaming is silencing.

We don’t use punishment in our house. Spanking teaches that hitting and abuse is ok. We don’t use incentive charts. We don’t use shame.

I sometimes raise my voice, but I apologize if it’s in anger.

Consent is respect. Consent is boundaries.

I always apologize when I am wrong or make a mistake. I must model this healthy attitude.

We’re all human.

Abuse

Bullying is a huge problem. Schools and orgs say they have a zero-tolerance policy but they usually just want to sweep it all under the rug. It’s uncomfortable and the victim is too often blamed.

There’s a societal break when tweens are purposely assaulting classmates with allergens.

Listen and trust what kids are saying and how. Don’t fear everyone, but be alert and aware. If they don’t want to go with someone or take a class or play at someone’s house, find out why.

No “locker room talk” or sex jokes allowed. Once these demeaning ideas abound, it’s harder to get back to healthy ideas.

No ridiculing jokes about race or differences allowed. This should never be tolerated.

Obviously, hitting and physical abuse is a big NO. We’re pacifists and don’t condone physical punishment. Spanking or slapping teaches that abuse is ok.

But many domestic abuse victims tell themselves and think that they’re not abused because “he never hit me.” Abuse comes in many insidious forms – sexual, spiritual, psychological, emotional.

The church has been condoning abuse cycles for decades and this attitude seeps into our society attitudes towards women and minorities, especially.

Control can be a form of abuse.

Hurt people hurt others.

Intuition

Sometimes, you just have a gut feeling that something or someone is not right or safe.

Trust that feeling. 

I’ve often second-guessed that feeling and tried to justify it away. It’s hard when everyone else likes that person or ridicules your worry.

It’s always right.

I have to learn to listen to my intuition and overcome anxiety. I’m learning or relearning to listen to myself after years of being told my intuition is wrong or stupid.

I often ask my husband or eldest daughter about someone, “Is this normal behavior or language or tone?” because I just don’t know sometimes.

I have to address my triggers and heal myself in order to guide my children in this complicated world.

Differences

We have to respect, not just tolerate those with differences. 

There are so many isms.

I am so grateful and proud to see this melting pot of America grow and expand. I am saddened by the hatred and confusion I see in real life and online and in the news.

Our government and church leaders perpetuate these ideas of exclusion instead of leading towards hope and inclusion.

As a middle class white family, we have to be aware of our privilege and how it affects others. 

We have to learn precision of language so we don’t exclude or offend others.

It’s a rocky road towards inclusion. 

We must teach our children how to navigate relationships in a safe and healthy way.

 

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A Peaceful Home

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I see so many questions about homeschooling and parenting. In the absence of a village, parents flock to Facebook to crowdsource answers. Those answers are often based on experience. They’re not always the best answers nor do they work for everyone.

I find the easiest and best answer to most parenting and homeschooling questions, whether about behavior issues or scheduling or feeling just worn out from the endless chatter and noise of a houseful of young children is to create a peaceful home atmosphere.

But how does one do that? What does it look like?

When I had my third child, I was worn out. I couldn’t understand why I never felt like I could complete a day without lots of caffeine and needed to nap when my toddler and baby did in the early afternoon, praying my older child just read or played quietly in her room.

I was homeschooling. I was keeping a spotless home. I was doing, doing, doing.

I was exhausted and miserable. I hated myself. I hated my husband. I even hated my kids.

I felt like a failure.

I knew it wasn’t right. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t place my finger on it nor could I pull myself out of it.

I asked my pastor’s wife for a meeting and she arrived at my home where I had cleaned and stressed over providing her homemade lemonade and fresh-baked cookies.

While I expected to be pointed to Bible verses about the Proverbs 31 women, she asked some practical questions. When were we eating dinner? When was bedtime? Why were the kids’ things all hidden away from the public rooms?

I also went to a doctor to rule out physical issues. I was put on a supplement regimen for adrenal failure.

Then I implemented a new peaceful lifestyle.

It took years to get comfortable with who I am and how I live and what my priorities and preferences are.

I shouldn’t have to make excuses for my priorities. I try to be patient with people who aren’t where I am in the spiritual journey.

This is a key to happiness.

How to Create a Peaceful Home:

Self.

Understand your past, your story – and know your triggers. Deal with it.

If you’re anxious or tired or ill, make the necessary changes to heal yourself.

If you’ve suffered some traumatic experience, get professional help to work through it.

Nurture yourself. Pray or meditate, get outside, exercise, eat well.

Deal with finances. Do your best to get out of debt.

Work through any idols or addictions.

Legalism is the opposite of peace. Set goals and priorities but don’t worry about so many rules and regulations.

Realize that we go through cycles and seasons, just like nature.

Space.

Remove clutter. Feng shui ideas really do help remove anxiety.

Go minimalist. If you have to buy something to put somethings in, you have too much stuff.

Soothing color scheme. My house is decorated in all blues and greens, because these are my favorite colors, but they’re also calming.

Aromatherapy and music. We have diffusers in every rooms with essential oils. We often listen to music while making and eating meals.

Practice hygge.

Have tech-free time to connect.

Spouse.

(or significant other or pet or whatever)

Practice nonviolent communication.

Argue intelligently, calmly, and lovingly. You don’t have to hide conflict from your children. They need to learn healthy resolution.

Learn how to really apologize.

Be constant students of each other.

Don’t make excuses to be complacent. Don’t get lazy. Those are causes of adultery and midlife crises.

Yeah, most days are boring and tedious. It’s not all romance and over-the-top. Duty outweighs everything else.

Children.

Model self-control.

Coach on healthy relationships.

Don’t force sharing.

Don’t punish, bribe, or reward. Gently guide and communicate well.

Spanking is abuse. Never, ever hit a child.

Allow for lots of unstructured play time and go outdoors every day.

Maybe you grew up in a household with strife and you don’t really have a relationship with your siblings.

Don’t let your kids make those same mistakes.

Most days are ordinary. They don’t have to be drenched in negativity. Find the extraordinary in the tiniest of things.

Service.

Focus on others first.

But don’t neglect yourself.

We need to teach our kids empathy and kindness. We do that by modeling it.

Do your part to make the world a better place. It may be charity work, recycling, cycling or walking instead of driving, cleaning a creek, planting a garden, whatever.

What can you begin doing right now towards a more peaceful home?


Linking up: Modest Mom, Our Holiday Journey, Inspiration for Moms, Lori Schumaker, Holley Gerth, Create with Joy, God Sized Dreams, Darling Downs Diaries, Squishable Baby, Blogghetti, Our Mini Family, MaryAndering Creatively, April Harris, Timeless Mama, Home Stories A to Z, Teaching What is Good, Lou Lou Girls, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Trekking Thru, Jessi’s Design, Wise Woman, Journeys in Grace, Soaring with Him, Jaime Wiebel, Mississippi Mom, Sarah Frazer, Gingersnap Crafts, Ducks in a Row, Our Three Peas, Bringing up Georgia, Breakthrough Homeschooling,  Simply Sweet Home, Home Crafts by Ali, Feathering My Empty Nest, Overwhelmed to Fulfilled, Easy Peasy Pleasy, Anna Nuttall, The Answer is CHocolate, Cup of Tea, RCH Reviews, Momfessionals, Katherine’s Corner, Blended Blog, The Charm of Home, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Arabah Joy, Create with Joy, Coffee with Us3, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith  Our Mini Family

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In the Middle

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What to do with that middle schooler…junior high girl…lost child… between childhood and adulthood?

Our society pushes these girls to grow up way too soon. We see the shocking scenes in the media that many in our society deem “normal.”

Young girls mimic this media and some are desensitized while others think it’s nothing to worry about.

And we still have the “boys will be boys” mentality in our western society.

There’s a double standard.

I say that it’s not normal and there’s no such thing as this Western adolescent mentality – other than the biological changes. And I’ve got an oil for that.

Why shouldn’t she still be that same sweet little girl who holds your hand while shopping and tells you her dreams before bed? Our society says that it’s acceptable and expected for tweens and teens to be belligerent and defiant. Why? It’s just another lie from the devil that divides families. And it’s starting younger and younger.

When I was a girl, we went from child to junior to adult clothing. There were no tween lines of clothing in stores encouraging girls to look older than they are. We should not have little girls wearing makeup and high heels and leather and making “come hither” looks at boys. It used to be just certain high-end clothing catalogs, but I’ve seen it recently in department store Sunday ad inserts. I’ve seen little girls in church wearing stripper clothes. It’s getting closer and closer to what everyone considers “normal.” My husband is disturbed by seeing girls when he can’t tell if they’re 12 or 25 in age. I wonder what high school and college boys think!

What will my son think?

What does Jesus think?

It’s about more than modesty.

Do we want our daughters to be sex symbols or admired for their minds, hearts, souls?

I often have to shop in the boys’ department for my daughters. They like to be comfortable and covered up. They don’t like the low waist super skinny jeans and short shorts. They don’t like leggings as pants. They like the wider longer cut of the Tshirts in the boys’ dept.

Even in the Christian world, we compromise values to fit in with the world. Society says to protect with vaccinations against STD’s and with contraceptive devices instead of discipling and educating in the Word. The devil and the world want us to think that’s it’s hopeless for anyone to wait until marriage to have sex.

And it’s not just about the act of sex. It’s about the intimacy, the tearing apart of a soul who is too young to understand what she’s doing to herself, what regrets she will have later.

God spoke to me recently through this song The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.

When I researched it, the video (while inappropriate for kids) is quite powerful about peer pressure.

So, what did God say to me?

I’m so glad you asked.

That gorgeous girl in the video with the cross necklace represents compromised Christians. These kids are lost. Their faith isn’t strong enough; their foundation is shaky; they are weak; they have no good Christian role models. They struggle with living in the world and can’t stand strong against the pressures to fit in.

…for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me… ~2 Timothy 4:10a

I knew girls like that when I was in school. I didn’t understand it, but I knew I wanted no part of it. Those “Sunday Christians” didn’t appeal to me, but I didn’t know why yet. They have that appearance of being Christian, but they go the way of the world.

For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? ~Matthew 16:26

God had His finger on me, but it was many years before I knew it.

Those two kids who almost compromise? They realize their potential mistake just in time and support one another. They have the victory.

I pray that our children can fight the temptations of this world and have the victory.

It begins at home with fervent prayer as parents.

I recently met a kindred spirit in an Air Force chaplain’s wife. Jean told me they have three wonderful children whom they successfully raised for the Lord. They just dropped off their youngest, a son, at his freshman dorm to begin college. They are officially empty nesters. Their daughters, aged 25 and 23, are still virgins and are engaged to be married (or so close they can taste it) to wonderful Christian young men. Praise God for that testimony as a mama!

It is possible! I pray that I have that kind of success raising my children to further the Kingdom of God.

Who do you want teaching your kids about sex?

Culture? School? Lady Gaga? Miley Cyrus? Their friends? Do you trust your church to teach them?

Or you as a parent?

I know which I choose.

Yes, it’s hard!

I choose to teach my children about relationships.

Is it time for THE TALK?

Having THE TALK.

We don’t teach PURITY.

I actively teach my young son to respect me, his sisters, and all other females. It’s not enough to wait until he’s a teen and has been influenced by so many others.

Resources for Discipling Daughters:

“Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you…”

Be strong.

These are some of my favorite books about parenting girls.

Linking up: Blogghetti, Life of Faith,Our Mini Family, Squishable Baby, Timeless Mama. Modest Mom, Our Holiday Journey, Darling Downs Diaries, My Little Shop of Treasures, Home Stories A to Z, Teaching What is Good, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Live Randomly Simple, Life on Oak Hill, Inspiration for Moms, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Create with Joy, God Sized Dreams, MaryAndering Creatively, Holley Gerth, Wise Woman, Jessi’s Design, Soaring with Him, Breakthrough Homeschooling, Jaime Wiebel, Sarah Frazer, Jennifer Dukes Lee, The Pram Shed, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Ducks in a Row, Sincerely Paula, Imparting Grace, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Mommynificent, Be Thee Inspired, Penny’s Passion, Katherine’s Corner, Organized 31, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Creative K Kids, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, Bountiful Love, Home Crafts by Ali, Simply Sweet Home, Life with Lorelai, Cup of Tea,RCH Reviews, Momfessionals, Blended Blog, Create with Joy, Charm of Home, Lyli Dunbar, Crystal Waddell, Counting My Blessings, Arabah Joy, Easy Peasy Pleasy, The Answer is Chocolate, Being a Wordsmith, Coffee with Us3, The Quiet Homemaker, Chic on a Shoestring, Our Mini Family,

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Praying for Success

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How do you teach motivation?

What do you do with that difficult child? The one who will have her own way. No matter what.

We learned long ago we can’t make our kids do anything they don’t desire to do.

I let it go.

I want a relationship with my children. I don’t want to be a taskmaster. I want them to think for themselves, make wise decisions…not rely on fear as a motivator.

It’s not my job to teach motivation. It’s between them and God. I can only guide.

 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2

Real success is not what the world would teach us.

I’ve learned to pray – earnestly, unceasingly.

As my children grow up into tweens and teens, our relationship changes, expands…

They’re growing up and will make their own choices. I am more a counselor, a coach, as I watch them learn to fly, struggling with the wind.

They come back to rest and ask questions and learn.

Dinner conversations – after the little ones run off to play – turn to sex, drugs, the media, politics, all the evils in the world. I want them to “be wise as a serpent and innocent as a dove.”

I pray that they will be discerning, successful in their endeavors, and that they are led by God to become the woman or man He wants them to be.

And I pray their paths will be easier than mine.

Parenting a teen is hard and the world tells us it’s all but impossible.

I taught high school English and I saw too many teens fall away to the world, parents oblivious or at a loss as to what to do. I watched on the sidelines, helpless, vowing I would do differently.

I will stand firm and fight this fight. And I will win with God at my side.

I say: nothing is impossible with God.

He will redeem every hurt and heal the wounds our words and actions cause.

He is the God of reconciliation.

 Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done. Truly, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.” Matthew 16:24-28

And when I pray for success, I don’t pray for the success the world teaches. I pray for Kingdom Success. I want my children to love Jesus and their neighbor. I want them to shine their light for Him. I want them to live for Him.

I don’t care if my children join the military, become an astronaut, never go to college, become a restaurant server or garbage collector, as long as they do their best and do it to the glory of God.

I don’t care if they never marry.

The pressures of the world are often too much, causing depression and anxiety. We live counter-culturally and it is so, so hard. We’re tired to explaining to deaf ears and blind eyes.

I pray for my kids to discover and learn to use their spiritual gifts, to find their purpose.

I pray my children are global, mission-minded, socially conscious, world changers, servant leaders.

I let go of my desires for them as I allow Him to guide them into who they are supposed to be.

Of course, I want them to be happy and loving and kind.

Having a child who grows up to love Jesus is real success.


Linking up: Modest Mom, Inspiration for Moms, Marilyns Treats, Create with Joy, Lori Schumacher, Holley Gerth, Blogghetti, Life of Faith, Mrs. AOK, Curly Crafty Mom, Rich Faith Rising, My Husband Has Too Many Hobbies, A Bowl Full of Lemons, Timeless Mama, Our Holiday Journey, Barbie Swihart, Trekking Thru, Home Stories A to Z, Teaching what is Good, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Sarah Frazer, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Blessed But Stressed, Godsized Dreams, MaryAndering Creatively, Mumma Scribbles, Raven Would, Wise Woman, Jessi’s Design, Southern Beauty Guide, Ducks n a Row, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Happily Ever After, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Soaring with Him, Breakthrough Homeschooling, Becoming Press, Sincerely Paula, Saving4Six, Penny’s Passion, Married by His Grace, Mississippi Mom, Blessed Transgressions, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Mommynificent, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Creative K Kids, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, Organized 31, A Bountiful Love, Home Crafts by Ali, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith, Happy and Blessed Home, Our Mini Family,

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Empty Hands Hold Miracles

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By 14 Comments

We don’t really do a “back to school” since we “do school” year-round. It’s rather anticlimactic; there’s little to break the rhythm of lessons, meals, and constant chores. We have a lifestyle of learning and we certainly take frequent breaks when needed, like during travel or PCS, and for holidays . . . but if we take too much time off, there is boredom.

But there is also burnout.

I get tired and irritable and selfish.

I start to focus on impossibilities.

But we serve a God of possibilities.

Not having any time alone gets wearisome. I’m an INTJ and crave alone time. I start to fantasize about exotic vacations, trips to the bathroom alone even.

Just when I’m at my wits’ end, God shows up in the most unexpected places: Facebook statuses, blog posts, a sermon with a guest speaker, in my kids’ random and violent bear hugs that all but bruise my innards.

I have this amazing family around me, constantly. They’re right there in front of me, gazing expectantly with wide, long-lashed eyes.

I can *whoof* out their candles with a sharp word or thoughtless expression . . . or I can nurture those shy little flames of hope into blazing wildfires for the Kingdom.

When I start to desire to send them away – to play outside, to their rooms – do I stay selfish and go with my feelings? Or do I minister to my family, with God’s help?

And I realize my hands aren’t empty. It’s not so much that my hands are all that important. What I hold in my hands at any given moment can be miraculous if given Power. And it’s not as if the screen I bleed onto should have that much sway over my life.

The rod in Moses’ hands parted the seas. The slingshot in David’s hands destroyed the giant. The fishes and loaves in Jesus’ gentle hands multiplied and fed the multitudes with leftovers.

When I truly empty my hands . . . when I put down the iPhone or iPad, stop typing on the keyboard, quit stirring the pot, let that dirty dish sit in the sink, allow that stinky sock to go another hour or day…

God can use my hands for His glory.

Empty hands can hold miracles.

I can hold a book while they snuggle {too} near for read alouds.

I can fold my hands and pray with and for each of them.

I can hold their little hands in mine as we thank God for all the many blessings in our family circle.

I can caress that soft blonde curl behind her ear while I gently instruct a difficult math lesson.

I can wipe away the tear from the embarrassment of that mistake. Again.

I can envelop him in a big hug.

I can teach her how to knead the bread dough just so.

I can guide her fingers into the scissors to cut out the pattern.

I can lift up she who has fallen.

When I hold my children in my hands, I am touching the miraculous. I am glimpsing God.

Who knows what they will do for the Kingdom?

I can be the hands of Jesus to my children.

What’s in your hands?

It’s all about trust, control, acceptance.

If I can’t accept love, how can I offer it?

If I continue to thirst and hunger, how can I lead my little ones to the Living Water?

We have nothing to give others without giving first to Jesus. He gives through us.

He’s writing stories through us.

In the end, we’ll all become stories. We, as moms, have great and terrible influence over the stories our children write for themselves.


Linking up: Modest Mom, Barbie Swihart, Our Holiday Journey, Marilyn’s Treats, Holley Gerth, Lori Schumaker, A Fresh Start, Inspiration for Moms, Create with Joy, Blessed but Stressed, Godsized Dreams, Donna Reidland, Our Mini Family, The Mrs. Tee, Curly Crafty Mom, Blogghetti, Life of Faith, MaryAndering Creatively, Sarah Frazer, Southern Beauty Guide, Aprons & Pearls, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Teaching What is Good, April Harris, Trekking Thru, LouLou Girls, Mumma Scribbles, Live Randomly Simple, Jessi’s Design, Wise Woman, Our Three Peas, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Five Kids a Dog and a Blog, Ducks N a Row, Soaring with Him, Breakthrough Homeschooling, Becoming Press, Mississippi Mom, Messy Marriage, Classical Homemaking, Sincerely Paula, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Saving 4Six, Penny’s Passion, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, My Learning Table, Blessed Transgressions, Quietly Reminded, Debbie Kitterman, Married by His Grace, A Bountiful Love, Creative K Kids, Organized 31, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, Create with Joy, Happy and Blessed Home, Arabah Joy, Missional Women, Lyli Dunbar, Susan Mead, Crystal Waddell, Coffee with Us3, The Answer is Chocolate, Momfessionals, The Blended Blog, Katherine’s Corner, Life with Lorelai, The Charm of Home, Being a Wordsmith,

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Becoming a Gentler Mom

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I’m becoming a gentler mom.

I was spanked as a kid. I grew up in an authoritarian home.

I feared everything.

When I became a parent, I surely went overboard with strictness, trying to counter the Disneyland father visitation syndrome with my preschool daughter.

I briefly attended a church that lived by the principles in the Pearl child-training book. That was disastrous.

When my eldest child just turned fourteen, I realized I was losing her. Despite everything. Too little relationship, too late. Too much coercion into compliance and obedience when she was younger was leaving her confused and broken when she was gaining independence and making bigger decisions.

Children who are coerced into obedience develop a victim mentality.

Coerced kids often become rebellious teens. I’ve seen it with some of our aquaintance’s families.

I’m raising servant leaders and I won’t succeed with opposition-based leadership methods. I was losing the battle.

I need to become a gentler mom.


I witnessed power struggles between my husband and daughter. I see power struggles between my four kids. I power-struggle with my kids occasionally.

Are discipline and obedience the same thing?

Many Christian and secular parenting articles and books and leaders would say yes.

Obedience is all about gaining control.

Discipline is all about cultivating a relationship.

Discipline and Disciple are from the Latin discipulus, meaning “student.”

As a homeschool mom, I certainly don’t expect my children to know everything. That’s the whole point of homeschooling them. Why do I expect their behavior to be perfect? Why do I expect them to know how to act in social situations, or to have self-control when they’re tired or hungry?

These are issues that even many adults can’t handle, much less children.

I must end my own selfishness and unrealistic expectations to disciple them, guide them, lead them.

I know many parents who are exhausted from the power struggles of getting their kids to clean up their stuff. They threaten, shame, punish, yell, spank, and follow through with the threats by getting rid of the stuff, as if that’s the culprit.

I’m not perfect. I used to be like that, but I’m changing as I realize these methods don’t work.

And the greatest manipulations of all?

Timeout.

Using the Bible as a weapon.

Forcing kids to clean the plate.

Making decisions for them that they can and should make themselves.

What lesson do we teach our kids?

Timeout sends the message that our love is conditional since isolation breeds fear and dissension.

Throwing the Bible around as a lesson to kids doesn’t make them understand or want to know Jesus. They learn to see Him as an extension of abusive authority.

Food issues become about control instead of loving hospitality and fellowship.

Kids who never make their own decisions grow up into adults who don’t know how to make wise decisions. They fall into addiction or promiscuity. They become victims.

Really, as parents, we need to separate our emotions and our past issues from our parenting.

I fear all these parents who don’t respect their children as people and command and demand and have little relationship with their kids. All in the name of Jesus.

And they wonder why they lose them to the world.

We parent from fear.

Fear that we’ll be like our parents or the kids will make the same mistakes we did, fear that our kids will harm themselves or others, fear that we’ll look bad.

It’s time to trust in God to put down fear and to parent from the heart.

That may make us unpopular. We may look bad on the outside. We’ll learn who our real friends are. And we’ll gain our children in the process.

What can we do?

Pray. Jesus is the gentlest parent.

Apologize. Tell children we haven’t loved well and we’re going to do better.

Deal with our past. Know our triggers and problems. Forgive ourselves. Relinquish control.

Parent with respect. Realize that children are thinking people who can make decisions for themselves, with our guidance instead of coercion and control.

What does this look like in our home?

Simplicity.

We threw out all the printables. Kids can learn on their own. It’s amazing to stand back and watch them explore their interests. I’m a guide, helping them in their research and finding materials for them. See how we learn.

Frugal.

It’s our goal to be debt-free. We constantly minimize to maintain our goals. It’s important to encourage our kids to see value in experiences instead of stuff. We don’t like clutter in our lives or hearts. See our frugal journey.

Discipleship.

Obedience is not wisdom. We focus on discipling and it’s a constant process, reevaluating and learning ourselves. We focus on relationships, self-control, and kindness.

Proactive.

I have to plan and be proactive for our family to stay healthy and happy. We don’t punish or reward or praise. Behavior issues are not to be punished, but are cries for connection. My favorite parenting book list.

We’re not perfect. It’s been a struggle sometimes. No one has all the answers. We certainly know what doesn’t work.


Linking up: Life of Faith, Blogghetti, Mrs AOK, Curly Crafty Mom, Modest Mom, Our Holiday Journey, Barbie Swihart, Marilyn’s Treats, Donna Reidland, Blessed But Stressed, Godsized Dreams, Fresh Start, Inspiration for Moms, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, MaryAndering Creatively, Create with Joy, Lori Schumaker, Holley Gerth, Southern Beauty Guide, Trekking Thru, Home Stories A to Z, Teaching What is Good, April Harris, Mumma Scribbles, LouLou Girls, Aprons & Pearls, Jessi’s Design, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Our Three Peas, Raven Would, Five Kids a Dog and a Blog, Soaring with Him, Breakthrough Homeschooling, Becoming Press, Messy Marriage, Ducks N a Row, Classical Homemaking, Sincerely Paula, Organized 31, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, Saving 4Six, My Learning Table, Penny’s Passion, Flourishing Today, Debbie Kitterman, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Creative K Kids, The Charm of Home, Missional Women, Nancy on the Homefront, Lyli Dunbar, Counting my Blessings, Coffee with Us3, Easy Peasy Pleasy, The Answer is Chocolate, Life with Lorelai, Create with Joy, Momfessionals, The Blended Blog, Susan Mead, Arabah Joy, Crystal Waddell, Katherine’s Corner, Happy and Blessed Home, Becoming a Wordsmith,

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Challenging or Overwhelming?

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With so many curriculum options out there and the rigors of a classical education, how do I know how much is too much or too little?

I certainly don’t want to overwhelm my kids, but I do want to challenge them.

  • How do I maintain balance?

  • How do I promote a love for learning?

  • How do I make our school time fun and engaging?

  • How do I get through those more difficult or disliked subjects?

  • How do I know when I need to make changes – to our schedule, curriculum, or level?

While I still struggle with many of these issues…having an almost 17-year-old, an 11-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a 7-year-old boy makes me think I at least have gotten this far and I may know a little bit.

We certainly struggled in the beginning. We tried many different workbooks, curricula, even styles, before getting comfortable and somewhat settled. While I can’t even touch on all the issues that homeschool moms face, I can tell you what worked for us. It may work for you or guide you to evaluate and prioritize.

Start with the basics. Bible study, reading, writing, maths. Some seasons, this is all you need. Having the freedom and blessing to homeschool is enough. The kids learn so much about relationships and faith from being protected from the world. When they’re little, focus on manners, courtesy, and habits.

To borrow a little tidbit from Charlotte Mason …

“The well-brought-up child has always been a child carefully trained in good habits.” (Vol. 2, p. 174)

Find a history and science the whole family can do together. If you have two or more children, you will want to do this. Trust me. (We use Apologia sciences and Story of the World history and Tapestry of Grace.) There are options for every budget. We only do history and science a couple days a week until they’re 10 or so.

Determine which extras are important, interesting, within budget, or necessary. These vary from family to family. We study Latin. We have a soccer star, a runner, and a piano player so far. We desire to limit our time outside the house. We eat dinner together every night. Yes, even church events get in the way of family time sometimes. And we purposely do not participate in many church programs because they often undermine what we believe.

When our homeschool is out of balance, my kids tell me with misbehavior, whining, laziness, or tears. Instead of disciplining them for being overwhelmed, I must step back and reevaluate our priorities.

…Do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4)

We are blessed to school year round and we can take time off to focus on a unit we really love or to review a fun product. So I don’t stress the schedule much. Now, if we lived in a state where I’d have to keep attendance and turn in lesson plans and stuff, I’d have problems getting that organized! But I did that when I taught public school, so I’d work out something.

So, how do I stay focused and evaluate our success?

  • Pray. Do Bible study as a family and teach your kids to do their own studies separately as soon as they are able. Even the littlest ones can have a Bible basket for quiet times. Pray for peace, balance, humility, patience, and contentment. Pray for direction and needs! Pray for your budget.
  • Reread The Well-Trained Mind every year. At least hit the highlights to help you remember what you’re doing and why, especially if you have a child changing levels.
  • Don’t attend a homeschool co-op if they take away from family and school time or your personal values. Do attend a co-op if they reinforce what you’re already doing. Don’t feel pressured. Do what’s right for your family and take a year off of co-op if necessary. Don’t feel guilty if that’s what you need to do. We do not attend a co-op.
  • Guard yourself against naysayers. I know it’s hard if they are family members. Pray for grace and understanding and for their hearts to be open. This is your family and your decision or calling.
  • Protect yourself against comparison. That homeschool blogger or family down the street, across town, at co-op, at convention, wherever…they’re not you. Their children are different from yours. Their marriage is different from yours. Their issues are different from yours. Their financial situation is different from yours. Their children learn differently from yours. And you don’t know the behind-the-scenes stuff. You don’t know their medical history, their debt problems, their therapy bills, or any of the highs and lows of their past and present. You only see what they allow you to see. Just be awesome you.
  • Find a schedule that works for you. I know homeschoolers who school at night, on weekends, only 3 days a week, take Wednesdays off…whatever works for your family!
  • Make a list. Keep to a budget. Ask your spouse to help make or guide decisions about curricula and activities.

Don’t be a hoarder or a collector. I am slowly purging all the workbooks, unit studies, manipulatives, and reference materials that I thought we’d someday use. My oldest is almost seventeen and my youngest is seven, but I realize now that less is more. If I haven’t used it by now, chances are we never will.

I had this fairy tale vision of Jane Austen governesses and girls in pastel dresses lying on the grass reading, reciting, and discussing. That dreamy Charlotte Mason model is just that – a dream. I could no more recreate that scene than I could stop a stampede of wild horses. My kids are themselves. They are individuals. They are rambunctious, precocious, sarcastic, and wonderful. I am raising them to be leaders, not mice. But I want them to be challenged just right. And that takes constant tweaking and evaluation to determine when to move on, when to skip something, or when to practice more.

I’m sure other teaching methods can be overwhelming, but I think classical homeschoolers want to do it all, learn it all, not miss anything. We often want to recreate that educational model of the past with its great rigors. I know I teach some subjects and topics very thoroughly because I didn’t learn it well in public school and I feel it’s of great value. And we can do all that – with balance and love – when the child is ready. There’s no need to push a three-year-old to read or a thirteen-year-old to write a research paper that’s university-worthy.

Work with your kids, not against them. They’re not the enemy. And we have all the time in the world.

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12)

Allow God to lead you. Monitor your children’s frustration levels and behavior. Ask your husband for guidance, even if he isn’t involved in the homeschool. He still notices moods.

Do you also struggle with exasperating your children?


Linking up: Timeless Mama, Our Holiday Journey, A Bowl Full of Lemons, Modest Mom, Barbie Swihart, Mummascribbles, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Donna Reidland, Lori Schumaker, Sarah Frazer, Purposeful Faith, Blessed But Stressed, God-sized Dreams, Holley Gerth, Mrs. AOK, Inspiration for Moms, Life of Faith, Trekking Thru, Home Stories A to Z, Live Randomly Simple, Teaching What is Good, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Messy Marriage, Curly Crafty Mom, Crafty Moms Share, A Fresh Start, Marilyn’s Treats, MaryAndering Creatively, Create with Joy, Going the Distance, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Ducks N a Row, Our Three Peas, Five Kids a Dog and a Blog, Soaring with Him, Breakthrough Homeschooling, Messy Marriage, Classical Homemaking, Sincerely Paula, Penny’s Passion, Suzanne Eller, Saving4Six, Blessed Transgressions, Crystal Storms, Quietly Reminded, Debbie Kitterman, Mommynificent, A Bountiful Love, Organized 31, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, Creative K Kids, Create with Joy, Nancy on the Homefront, The Charm of Home, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Crystal Waddell, Counting My Blessings, Arabah Joy, Missional Women, Imparting Grace, Katherine’s Corner, Life with Lorelai, My Learning Table, Blended Blog, Momfessionals, Flourishing Today, Easy Peasy Pleasy, The Answer is Chocolate, Being a Wordsmith, Coffee with Us3, Our Mini Family,

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Parenting Book List

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Parenting is hard.

Most of us are not equipped with the necessary tools to become good parents.

We sometimes think that there’s something magical or mystical that occurs when we grow up, get married, get pregnant, and start having babies.

But there’s no instruction manual.

There is so much information out there – in books, magazines, blogs…written by professionals and moms.

And some of it is so, so wrong.

I did lots of things wrong for so many years.

My three younger kids thankfully don’t remember much of the bad when I was desperately trying to find myself, discover what I believe, and learn my purpose as a mother.

Unfortunately, so many books, articles, and blogs are written by Christian parents and professionals go against the teachings of Jesus and the very core of my gentle soul. They teach harshness, physical punishment, isolation, shaming, blaming, abuse. These misguided Christians claim that blind immediate unconditional obedience is the only goal for parenting. Too many Christians confuse original sin with every baby being born bad or evil.

I beg to differ.

The goal of parenting is relationship. The goal of parenting is raise empathetic adults. The goal of parenting is to raise kind and loving people.

Children are never bad.

It is a parent’s role to model self-control, kindness, love, and those other traits that are important to your traditions.

I know many adults who are hurting. We hurt because of the harsh way we were raise. We hurt because we were spanked or neglected or shamed. We struggle with addiction and anger and anxiety and depression now because we lost who we were, who we were meant to be. We lost our child selves.

We have to heal our own hurts in order to parent respectfully and with kindness and with love.

At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:1-4

Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”  And he laid his hands on them and went away. Matthew 19:13-15

It is possible to parent without hitting or raising your voice or having control. It is possible to discipline with love and respect and relationship. It takes a lot of work. It’s really hard. We have to address our triggers and immaturity. We have to look at children as people and not as less-than because they’re small and easily controlled.

A Favorite:

Parenting

These are some of my favorite respectful parenting books.

Parenting Girls

These are some of my favorite books for raising strong girls. I have three daughters and I feel it’s important to address some of the unique issues that girls face. I also want to counter some issues I had growing up.

Parenting Boys

These are on my reading list about boys. I have a young son. I want to raise him to be a sensitive and loving man.

Parenting Teens

Parenting teens can be a challenge but oh, so wonderful! These are my favorite resources. I taught high school and college for 10+ years and teens are really amazing. I’m coaching my teen daughter now into adulthood and it’s so exciting! If you don’t listen when they’re little, they won’t talk when they’re teens.

Technology

Books to help families navigate social media and the Internet. It’s a brave new world.

May we all strive to be the best parents to our children that we can be.

View all my book lists here.

Read my parenting articles here.

Parenting pages I follow:

Linking up: Curly Crafty Mom, The Mrs Tee, Life of Faith, Blogghetti, Modest Mom, Barbie Swihart, Our Holiday Journey, God-sized Dreams, Blessed but Stressed, JEmbellish, Pilgrims and Strangers on Earth, Marilyns Treats, Donna Reidland, A Fresh Start, Inspiration for Moms, Create with Joy, Lori Schumaker, Holley Gerth, My Pinventures, My Husband Has Too Many Hobbies, Home Stories A to Z, Teaching what is Good, LouLou Girls, April J Harris, Trekking Thru, Sarah Frazer, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Live Randomly Simple, Mumma Scribbles, Jessi’s Design, Raggedy Bits, Savvy Southern Style, Suburban Simplicity, Gingersnap Crafts, Our Three Peas, Bringing Up Georgia, Oh My Heartsie Girl Wednesday, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Pat and Candy, Jaime Wiebel, Holley Gerth, Marilyn’s Treats Wednesday, Messy Marriage, Sincerely Paula, Wise Woman, Penny’s Passion, Southern Beauty Guide, Flourishing Today, Suzanne Eller, Joyful Homemaking, Quietly Reminded, Quietly Reminded, Mommynificent, A Bountiful Love, Organized 31, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, Creative K Kids, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Classical Homemaking, Crystal Waddell, Thursday Fave Things, Create with Joy, Happy and Blessed Home, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith, Coffee with Us 3, Simply Sweet Home, Wife Mommy Me, Easy Peasy Pleasy, Answer is Chocolate, Artsy Fartsy Mama, Our Mini Family,

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Top 10 Parenting Advice

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I’ve grown a lot as a parent in 16+ years.

I didn’t have role models or help. I traveled this journey mostly alone, often with very poor advice and terrible intentions and horrible teachings.

I have many regrets, such as attending a fundamentalist church who taught very harsh parenting practices like blind obedience from the Pearls. I wish I could undo that year, praying the damage to reverse.

I’ve been selfish, hired nannies and babysitters we couldn’t afford in the name of what society has told me I need more of: “me-time.”

We tried day care, preschool, camps, even school for a month. We listened to “experts” who told us what kids “need” to be successful.

After many trials and errors – realizing that kids are not experiments, not wild animals to be tamed, not creatures to be controlled, not extensions of myself, not a vicarious experience, not evil beings to be punished, not inconveniences to be scorned – I have come to realize that children are more than worthy of respect, and control and blind obedience is not the way to parent.

The media and society perpetuates the ideas that kids are a nuisance, born to thwart our every desire, ruin our bodies, mess up our homes, talk back, rebel, and generally wreak havoc on our orderly adult lives.

This doesn’t have to be our expectation or reality.

Children are naturally desirous of being helpful. They are deserving of respect. They need loving guidance.

Our homes and lives can be peaceful, enjoyable, fun. We just need a change of perspective and be willing to take the risk to be different.

Top 10 Parenting Advice

My list of top 10 parenting advice:

  1. Embrace the delicious chaos of babyhood. Put everything else on hold to celebrate every single moment. Take a gazillion pictures for memories, but you don’t have to share them all on Instagram. I promise you’ll look back on this time with fondness, after you’re able to sleep through the night again and wear clean and stylish clothes without worry of breast milk leakage. Don’t panic about milestones. Be knowledgable about babies and biology and development, but do what you feel is best for your family.
  2. Please, please, please coddle your infant. Wear her, hold her, snuggle her. Don’t let her “cry it out.” Go above and beyond to meet all her needs so she will trust you and feel safe and loved. Ask for help for household needs from older children, spouse, friends, family members. Your infant is the most important thing in your life. Limit responsibilities so you can stay home and get to know your new little person.
  3. Respect your toddler. Let him choose what to eat and wear. Don’t allow societal embarrassment to make you feel the need to control him. If he wants to wear sister’s princess tutu and his Batman mask and cape to the grocery store, let him! His feelings of validation are more important than the cashier’s eyes askance or the disapproving glances of strangers. Let him try and fail and help with chores.
  4. Preschool is not necessary, no matter what anyone says. Preschoolers should play. Give them freedom to learn, explore, manipulate their environment. Let them cook with real tools in the kitchen, explore nature, learn how fire eats up sticks, sing, dance, make messes, and how plants grow. Go outside every day.
  5. School is not needed, no matter what anyone says. Sure, you can argue that Christian kids need to be a light in a public school classroom, or that private schools will be the best option for high test scores to get into a good university. Don’t try to recreate school at home. Learning is natural. Don’t control it or make it become unnatural and artificial.
  6. You don’t teach children how to make good decisions by treating them like they are incapable, controlling their every move, and restricting their access to the world that you eventually want them to be part of. When they finally gain freedom and autonomy they don’t know what to do with it. Guide your child lovingly and respectfully, walking together on the journey.
  7. Give kids real books, not condensed or dumbed down versions. Teach them to read and understand the KJV Bible and they can read anything! Give them a real dictionary and show them how to use it.
  8. Allow kids to make mistakes and messes. This is how they learn. Natural consequences are the best teacher. Clean up together – without shame or ridicule or blame.
  9. Limit distractions and organized activities to encourage imagination and creativity. Provide plenty of art supplies and loose parts for opportunities to create and play. Save items you would normally recycle or throw away. Have more open-ended toys than electronics and screens. Don’t guide play. Stand back and watch and listen.
  10. Deal with your triggers so you don’t react poorly to your children. Heal yourself so you can love your child and respond to frustrations in a healthy way. Many of us were raised in authoritarian (or permissive) households and must work through many issues while raising our children with a better way. We must learn to speak respectfully to all children, even moreso since we were not spoken to with respect.

What are you doing differently?


Linking up: Curly Craft Mom, Crafty Moms Share, Mrs. AOK, Practical Mom, Life of Faith, Blogghetti, ABC Creative Learning, What Joy is Mine, Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Proverbs 31 Wife, Fresh Start, Written Reality, Inspiration for Moms, Modest Mom, Marilyn Treats, Crafty Moms Share,  Lou Lou Girls, Rich Faith Rising, Teaching What is Good, Holly Barrett, MaryAndering Creatively, VMG206, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Tell a True Story, Wife Mommy Me, Christian Blogger Community,

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Finding a Focus

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When I was younger, I didn’t have much guidance for my future beyond doing well in school and getting a decent job.

And I wasn’t even really sure what that entailed. Good grades and lots of money was what I assumed.

I wasn’t actively taught much at home or in school about relationships, finances, stress, or anything actually important that currently seeps its way into my subconscious and lurks with criticisms and less-than reminders every single waking moment.

My parents wobbled between totally hands-off and stifling authoritarianism, depending on the situation.

I ran absolutely wild through the neighborhood from about 4 years old on up after school and summers, but I seldom had any friends over to my house for a meal or sleepover or playtime, and not ever if my dad was home. I’ve never had many friends, but I’ve had lots of acquaintances over the years who came and went.

My parents only ever intervened at school maybe three times in 13 years. The rest of the time I was on my own to work out any issues with bullies, inept teachers, politicized and uncaring administrators, groping boys, and weird parents. 

While I realize that having been left to myself, I developed character and learned a lot about how to solve problems, but I think I’d like to be a little more involved and proactive with my family.

While there are gazillions of articles, blog posts, books, and videos dictating rules and regulations, and shoulds and shouldn’ts, I think we all have to set our own values and goals. We’re bombarded with so much information that sounds like authority, but if we don’t hold any of it to any standard, we will fail and collapse with information overload.

What’s your standard?

My standard is the Bible.

As a Christian wife and mom, I hold up everything to the standard of Scripture. If it doesn’t fit with my worldview, then it’s not for my family.

This is true for books and TV shows and movies.

This is true for friends.

This is true for activities.

If anything takes away from or somehow doesn’t align with my values and goals, then it’s not for us.

Finding a Focus

How do we find our focus?

Discovering our personal values and setting goals for our families should be accompanied with much prayer and discussion with our spouse.

If you’re not pleased with your home life, then take a good look at where your priorities lie. Maybe it’s time for an evaluation and some changes.

Focus in Faith

We spent many years trying to determine our beliefs. My husband grew up Presbyterian, which meant he attended Sunday school as a child and that was about it. I never attended church except with my grandma 2-3 times a year or with friends who occasionally invited me.

I knew I wanted to raise my children with a strong faith foundation.

We teetered from Presbyterian to Baptist and tottered back to Presbyterian and then to Lutheran.

It’s often difficult to find a temporary church home when we move around so frequently.

Focus in Family

My children are my priority.

This means that I limit my social engagements. I don’t work or volunteer outside the home.

I don’t overschedule our family, so we’re seldom stressed. We like a peaceful home atmosphere.

I enjoy being with my kids. I enjoy teaching them and working with them and everything in between.

I seldom go anywhere without my kids.

Focus in Education

Homeschooling is my calling.

I don’t rely on videos, DVDs, games, other people, or the government to educate my children.

We read books together. We learn together.

I delight in my children learning new concepts.

I make time for art, nature study, music, and each of my children’s interests in addition to the math, Latin, history, and science we learn. Academics aren’t everything. Life is our education.

Focus in Friends

We’re very choosy about who we spend time around.

This is probably our prickliest topic.

While I don’t need a lot of social interation and rarely trust people, I know my husband and at least two of my children crave social stuff.

So, I make sure to provide opportunities to feed their social butterflies.

Focus for the Future

We are active planners for the future.

This includes financial planning and also teaching concepts my children will need in certain situations, like what to do regarding:

suspicious strangers,

bullying,

rude questions, requests, or touches from adults,

advances from peers of the opposite (or same) sex,

emergency training,

car maintenance,

kitchen safety,

fire safety, and more.

I want my kids to have open conversations with me. I want them to feel safe discussing anything with me. And I want them prepared for social interations or life situations that might become unsafe.

It’s my job to create a healthy environment for my children to grow emotionally, psychologically, academically, and physically.


Linking up: Marilyn’s Treats, What Joy is Mine, Ask Latisha, A Fresh Start, Smart Moms Smart Ideas, Curly Crafty Mom, The Mrs. Tee, Practical Mom, Written Reality, Bloghetti, Life of Faith, Darling Downs Diaries, Mary Andering Creatively, Moms the Word, Lori Schumaker, Janis Cox, Strangers  and Pilgrims on Earth, Spiritual Sundays, Holly Barrett, Holley Gerth, Jamie Wiebel, Christian Blogger Community, Messy Marriage, Pat and Candy, Cornerstone Confessions, Sarah Celebrates, VMG206, Pocketful of Posies, RCH Reviews, Southern Beauty Guide, Sweet Little Ones, Cookin and Craftin, Katherine’s Corner, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Year Round Homeschooling, Adventures of Mel, The Natural Homeschool, Hip Homeschool Moms, Crystal and Comp, Lamberts Lately, A Bountiful Love, A Wise Women Builds Her Home, W2W Ministries, Women with Intention, Frog’s Lilypad, Raising Homemakers, Al Things Beautiful, Organized 31, A Kreative Whim, What About, Fab Working Mom Life, Sincerely Paula, Create with Joy, Missional Women, Giving Up on Perfect, Saving 4 Six, The Diary of a Real Housewife, The Deliberate Mom, Life with Lorelai, Juggling Real Food and Real Life, Oh My Heartsie Girl, 3D Lessons 4Life, Crafty Moms Share, Being a Wordsmith,

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