I’m becoming a gentler mom.

I was spanked as a kid. I grew up in an authoritarian home.

I feared everything.

When I became a parent, I surely went overboard with strictness, trying to counter the Disneyland father visitation syndrome with my preschool daughter.

I briefly attended a church that lived by the principles in the Pearl child-training book. That was disastrous.

When my eldest child just turned fourteen, I realized I was losing her. Despite everything. Too little relationship, too late. Too much coercion into compliance and obedience when she was younger was leaving her confused and broken when she was gaining independence and making bigger decisions.

Children who are coerced into obedience develop a victim mentality.

Coerced kids often become rebellious teens. I’ve seen it with some of our aquaintance’s families.

I’m raising servant leaders and I won’t succeed with opposition-based leadership methods. I was losing the battle.

I need to become a gentler mom.

I witnessed power struggles between my husband and daughter. I see power struggles between my four kids. I power-struggle with my kids occasionally.

Are discipline and obedience the same thing?

Many Christian and secular parenting articles and books and leaders would say yes.

Obedience is all about gaining control.

Discipline is all about cultivating a relationship.

Discipline and Disciple are from the Latin discipulus, meaning “student.”

As a homeschool mom, I certainly don’t expect my children to know everything. That’s the whole point of homeschooling them. Why do I expect their behavior to be perfect? Why do I expect them to know how to act in social situations, or to have self-control when they’re tired or hungry?

These are issues that even many adults can’t handle, much less children.

I must end my own selfishness and unrealistic expectations to disciple them, guide them, lead them.

I know many parents who are exhausted from the power struggles of getting their kids to clean up their stuff. They threaten, shame, punish, yell, spank, and follow through with the threats by getting rid of the stuff, as if that’s the culprit.

I’m not perfect. I used to be like that, but I’m changing as I realize these methods don’t work.

And the greatest manipulations of all?

Timeout.

Using the Bible as a weapon.

Forcing kids to clean the plate.

Making decisions for them that they can and should make themselves.

What lesson do we teach our kids?

Timeout sends the message that our love is conditional since isolation breeds fear and dissension.

Throwing the Bible around as a lesson to kids doesn’t make them understand or want to know Jesus. They learn to see Him as an extension of abusive authority.

Food issues become about control instead of loving hospitality and fellowship.

Kids who never make their own decisions grow up into adults who don’t know how to make wise decisions. They fall into addiction or promiscuity. They become victims.

Really, as parents, we need to separate our emotions and our past issues from our parenting.

I fear all these parents who don’t respect their children as people and command and demand and have little relationship with their kids. All in the name of Jesus.

And they wonder why they lose them to the world.

We parent from fear.

Fear that we’ll be like our parents or the kids will make the same mistakes we did, fear that our kids will harm themselves or others, fear that we’ll look bad.

It’s time to trust in God to put down fear and to parent from the heart.

That may make us unpopular. We may look bad on the outside. We’ll learn who our real friends are. And we’ll gain our children in the process.

What can we do?

Pray. Jesus is the gentlest parent.

Apologize. Tell children we haven’t loved well and we’re going to do better.

Deal with our past. Know our triggers and problems. Forgive ourselves. Relinquish control.

Parent with respect. Realize that children are thinking people who can make decisions for themselves, with our guidance instead of coercion and control.

What does this look like in our home?

Simplicity.

We threw out all the printables. Kids can learn on their own. It’s amazing to stand back and watch them explore their interests. I’m a guide, helping them in their research and finding materials for them. See how we learn.

Frugal.

It’s our goal to be debt-free. We constantly minimize to maintain our goals. It’s important to encourage our kids to see value in experiences instead of stuff. We don’t like clutter in our lives or hearts. See our frugal journey.

Discipleship.

Obedience is not wisdom. We focus on discipling and it’s a constant process, reevaluating and learning ourselves. We focus on relationships, self-control, and kindness.

Proactive.

I have to plan and be proactive for our family to stay healthy and happy. We don’t punish or reward or praise. Behavior issues are not to be punished, but are cries for connection. My favorite parenting book list.

We’re not perfect. It’s been a struggle sometimes. No one has all the answers. We certainly know what doesn’t work.

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I’ve grown a lot as a parent in 16+ years.

I didn’t have role models or help. I traveled this journey mostly alone, often with very poor advice and terrible intentions and horrible teachings.

I have many regrets, such as attending a fundamentalist church who taught very harsh parenting practices like blind obedience from the Pearls. I wish I could undo that year, praying the damage to reverse.

I’ve been selfish, hired nannies and babysitters we couldn’t afford in the name of what society has told me I need more of: “me-time.”

We tried day care, preschool, camps, even school for a month. We listened to “experts” who told us what kids “need” to be successful.

After many trials and errors – realizing that kids are not experiments, not wild animals to be tamed, not creatures to be controlled, not extensions of myself, not a vicarious experience, not evil beings to be punished, not inconveniences to be scorned – I have come to realize that children are more than worthy of respect, and control and blind obedience is not the way to parent.

The media and society perpetuates the ideas that kids are a nuisance, born to thwart our every desire, ruin our bodies, mess up our homes, talk back, rebel, and generally wreak havoc on our orderly adult lives.

This doesn’t have to be our expectation or reality.

Children are naturally desirous of being helpful. They are deserving of respect. They need loving guidance.

Our homes and lives can be peaceful, enjoyable, fun. We just need a change of perspective and be willing to take the risk to be different.

My list of top 10 parenting advice:

1. Embrace the delicious chaos of babyhood. Put everything else on hold to celebrate every single moment. Take a gazillion pictures for memories, but you don’t have to share them all on Instagram. I promise you’ll look back on this time with fondness, after you’re able to sleep through the night again and wear clean and stylish clothes without worry of breast milk leakage. Don’t panic about milestones. Be knowledgable about babies and biology and development, but do what you feel is best for your family.
2. Please, please, please coddle your infant. Wear her, hold her, snuggle her. Don’t let her “cry it out.” Go above and beyond to meet all her needs so she will trust you and feel safe and loved. Ask for help for household needs from older children, spouse, friends, family members. Your infant is the most important thing in your life. Limit responsibilities so you can stay home and get to know your new little person.
3. Respect your toddler. Let him choose what to eat and wear. Don’t allow societal embarrassment to make you feel the need to control him. If he wants to wear sister’s princess tutu and his Batman mask and cape to the grocery store, let him! His feelings of validation are more important than the cashier’s eyes askance or the disapproving glances of strangers. Let him try and fail and help with chores.
4. Preschool is not necessary, no matter what anyone says. Preschoolers should play. Give them freedom to learn, explore, manipulate their environment. Let them cook with real tools in the kitchen, explore nature, learn how fire eats up sticks, sing, dance, make messes, and how plants grow. Go outside every day.
5. School is not needed, no matter what anyone says. Sure, you can argue that Christian kids need to be a light in a public school classroom, or that private schools will be the best option for high test scores to get into a good university. Don’t try to recreate school at home. Learning is natural. Don’t control it or make it become unnatural and artificial.
6. You don’t teach children how to make good decisions by treating them like they are incapable, controlling their every move, and restricting their access to the world that you eventually want them to be part of. When they finally gain freedom and autonomy they don’t know what to do with it. Guide your child lovingly and respectfully, walking together on the journey.
7. Give kids real books, not condensed or dumbed down versions. Teach them to read and understand the KJV Bible and they can read anything! Give them a real dictionary and show them how to use it.
8. Allow kids to make mistakes and messes. This is how they learn. Natural consequences are the best teacher. Clean up together – without shame or ridicule or blame.
9. Limit distractions and organized activities to encourage imagination and creativity. Provide plenty of art supplies and loose parts for opportunities to create and play. Save items you would normally recycle or throw away. Have more open-ended toys than electronics and screens. Don’t guide play. Stand back and watch and listen.
10. Deal with your triggers so you don’t react poorly to your children. Heal yourself so you can love your child and respond to frustrations in a healthy way. Many of us were raised in authoritarian (or permissive) households and must work through many issues while raising our children with a better way. We must learn to speak respectfully to all children, even moreso since we were not spoken to with respect.

What are you doing differently?

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