Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Outgrown

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My eldest had a favorite pair of boots when she was about ten to eleven years old.

She wore those boots way longer than she should have and scrunched up her toes when they became too small.

The first photo evidence I have of the boots is November 2010, and the last evidence I can find is January 2012. Her feet definitely grew a lot during that time, and more than outgrew those boots. She had other shoes, but refused to give up those boots.

I always assumed I would be informed when clothes, shoes, styles were outgrown.

I have four kids and they’re usually really vocal about anything that isn’t just right for them. We’ve had tantrums over socks and tags and soap and hair.

I trusted my kids to tell me they needed new shoes. I asked if the boots were ok, but I should have checked and verified. It was a difficult time for our family, with moving across the country and deployment.

I could make a thousand excuses, but I failed to understand there was a problem in time.

Having too small shoes for about two years gave her hammer toes and affected the tendons and ligaments in her legs. She complained about the leg pain, but never about her toes or feet, or having too-small shoes. I purchased the kids all new shoes, but failed to fully inspect those boots, though I do remember checking at least once and I think she purposely scrunched her toes…and I just believed her.

When we went to the doctor, they were too quick to refer to a specialist – who recommended surgery! Then, we got another referral for physical therapy. We got new shoes, threw out the boots. The PT helped a lot. I also massaged her feet, legs, and back with essential oils. She was at the cusp of puberty and it was almost too late for healing, but we were all very diligent to help her heal and remind her to do her stretches.

She had to stop running track since the pain was too much. She never did pick it back up. Luckily, she was able to participate in Civil Air Patrol and did well in all the physical activities for the few years she was in it.

It’s so hard to watch a child suffer. It’s even worse when I know I should’ve been on top of it and prevented it.

There were too many years when I was in survival mode.

There were too many times I was neglectful and relied too much on my eldest to be older and more mature than she was.

Since I had no village, no family, no friends, no help…I relied on my kids to help…for us all to work together, especially when their dad was deployed. While this sounds great on the surface, it was not feasible long-term and it was really, really hard for all of us. I certainly learned self-reliance because no one else was reliable.

I had her babysit and told myself that she enjoyed the responsibility. She still brags that she potty-trained her siblings. I know she’s proud of that, but I am ashamed that it’s mostly true. She did too much, too soon, and lost much of her childhood too early. She didn’t deserve parentification.

I tried so hard to maintain balance and push her to play and experience fun things, but many of those things she had to do alone while I kept her siblings from interfering or disrupting. I know she is still resentful that I wasn’t always able to be there and give her my undivided attention all the time.

I projected my overly mature childhood onto my daughter and I enmeshed my emotions with hers. I expected her to be like me. And I wasn’t even fully aware that I wasn’t healthy then. So much damage was done.

And the church encouraged all this and told me that I was doing a great job in spite of everything I felt deep down inside that I was doing everything so wrong and I felt so lost and alone. I had no one, no help.

The church and military communities failed us.

I was supposed to be training up a mother’s little helper and raising my daughters to be good wives and mothers. Thankfully, we all balked at those proscribed gender roles and we are better now in our spiritual pursuits. But there is so much healing still taking place.

The boots are just a metaphor for all the times I missed the mark for about ten or more years with my daughter.

It’s not like we couldn’t afford new boots.

A tween girl often isn’t in a place to express herself safely or even know what’s wrong when that’s all she knows. There were some very bad times for several years and I was not always at my best in dealing with issues I had no reference or guidance for, and my kids are “good kids.” I was a “good kid.”

But I want more than just appearances.

This episode further pushed me in a different direction as a parent. I knew something had to change. I’m sad that this catalyst was necessary, but the outcome has been good. The trajectory has continued in a healthier, gentler direction for years.

My eldest child has taught me so much as a person, as a mom, as a daughter.

She taught me what it’s like to speak up for injustice. She’s always been vocal. As a baby, it was colic. As a wee girl, she was bossy and argumentative. As a teen, she was defiant. As a young woman, she is a leader.

She taught me compassion. She always looks to help ease others’ pain. I am proud of her for taking soup to a sick classmate and offering rides to friends. She has helped others to her own detriment at times. Yes, she’s been taken advantage of, and that’s the risk. She continues to have a huge heart.

She taught me a lot about mistakes and regrets and how to make amends, how to truly apologize and forgive. We will never get closure from her abusive father and his family. His parents have passed, so there is no one to ask about events anymore. My parents have no relationship with us and I have confronted them multiple times to no avail. We are really all alone, but she just shrugs away that pain and finds comfort in her friends who are her chosen family.

It seems like I have spent almost my entire life fighting. Fighting to be seen and heard, fighting for my daughter, fighting with my daughter, fighting society to be better for her and my other kids.

She sets boundaries and doesn’t stay in relationships that become toxic. I am proud of her for recognizing when friends and lovers are mean, unhealthy, or not right for her.

She knows when to quit. I always pushed through and maybe that wasn’t the best thing for me, but I saw few alternatives. I had different choices then, and certainly couldn’t envision the future that I am living now. She resents that I pushed her into early college and a part-time job, and I do regret that, but I still don’t know what else I could have done. I’m sad that her young adulthood is so hard and she doesn’t get to enjoy much, is struggling financially, trying to find her place. Outside circumstances with COVID and the university going on strike affected events beyond our control.

We are healing together.

While I wish she had never had to suffer the trauma of being the “guinea pig first child” and had to help to raise me as a parent, I am so pleased we are still close now that she’s an independent adult.

Here’s to more growing closer together.

Resources:

Linking up: Grammy’s Grid, Silverado, Pinch of Joy, Eclectic Red Barn, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, April Harris, Mostly Blogging, Pam’s Party, God’s Growing Garden, LouLou Girls, Suburbia, OMHG, Jenerally Informed, Create with Joy, Soaring with Him, Life Abundant, Penny’s Passion, Slices of Life, Fluster Buster, Homestead, Pam’s Party, Answer is Choco, Pieced Pastimes, Blue Cotton Memory, InstaEncouragements,

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Regret

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What is your greatest regret?

Does it keep you awake at night?

Do you regret that romantic encounter?

Do you regret something you said?

Do you have regrets for others? Secondhand embarrassment is real and I suffer.

We usually regret something left undone, rarer the accomplished tasks.

What derailed your dreams?

Where did your intention go?

Who failed you?

Do you fear?

Are you angry?

Do you hear?

Listen.

Your walls are ever before me.

Isaiah 49:16

Walls are a protective shield. They’re not necessarily good or bad. They’re neutral.

I have built up more walls than I care to think about.

I build them up. I tear them down. I build them back up.

God tears them down. People knock and try to peer inside.

I build a wall of fear.

I build a wall of distrust.

I build a wall of doubt.

I build a wall of low self-esteem.

I build a wall of anger.

I build a wall of grief.

I’m tired of walls.

When I began blogging back in about 2005, it was more a scrapbook our homeschooling.

We have evolved and come full circle and continue to grow in our family and homeschooling journey.

When I began homeschooling, I had no idea the heartache and challenges and soul-swelling that I would undergo as I learned to step back and watch my kids explore in spite of me and my trauma.

I live in that liminal space between hope and despair, clarity and confusion, resolve and surrender.

Amazingly, I am able to recognize and catch glimpses of harmony in the hell that is military life and the thanklessness of being a housewife and parenting teens.

The zen view is something you glimpse in passing and that comes as a surprise—to wake you to the moment and a flash of hidden truth.

Rivvy Neshama

The last few years could have broken me had I not stepped back to see a bigger picture. I had to learn not to take things personally. I have had to re-parent myself. I have had to give myself timeouts and rest and relearn and shut my mouth. I had to be alone in my grief and work it out inside myself.

After years of survival mode, I suddenly felt lost and alone and almost at rest, so there was too much time to think, feel, wonder, regret.

I had to set hard boundaries with my parents and they stopped communicating with me altogether.

My eldest child and therapist asked me why I stay with my husband. It surely seems like an easy question from young, single, independent women. I have never been that.

I feel that I failed my eldest child all her life, and recently she moved out and quit college. What could I have done better, more, different – to set her up for success? What will her future hold now? She’s had COVID twice. She has so many financial worries that I didn’t want her to experience.

I’m twice divorced from abusive men. I escaped. I don’t know if I would have had the strength merely to save myself. I rescued my daughter. There were situations no one can understand but me.

This man is not abusive. He’s neglectful. He’s often thoughtless. I feel I change and evolve and grow while he is stagnant. There are way worse sins than being boring.

We have history. We have duty.

We share eighteen years of highs, lows, depths, cross-country moves, deployments, births, deaths, sickness, pain, joy.

Our society encourages everything and everyone to be disposable.

I’ll stay and wait and see what’s next.

I don’t like the alternatives.

She had always thought that exquisitely happy time at the beginning of her relationship…was the ultimate, the feeling they’d always be trying to replicate, to get back, but now she realized that was wrong. That was like comparing sparkling mineral water to French champagne. Early love is exciting and exhilarating. It’s light and bubbly. Anyone can love like that. But love after [four] children, after a separation and a near-divorce, after you’ve hurt each other and forgiven each other, bored each other and surprised each other, after you’ve seen the worst and the best—well, that sort of a love is ineffable. It deserves its own word…It was so good to find that their relationship could keep on changing, finding new edges.

Liane Moriarty

I know under certain circumstances I had so few good choices and I chose what I felt was best at the time. I might even choose the same again if I could go back with what I know now. Who knows?

This is who I am and those choices molded me into this person. Do I really want to be someone else?

I can’t continue to twist and turn and lie awake at night in anxiety of what I should have done, should have said. It’s over and done and there’s no going back. We have to keep moving forward. We have to seek the blessings and stand firm on hallowed ground.

One should hallow all that one does in one’s natural life. One eats in holiness, tastes the taste of food in holiness, and the table becomes an altar. One works in holiness, and raises up the sparks which hide themselves in all tools. One walks in holiness across the fields, and the soft songs of all herbs, which they voice to God, enter into the song of our soul.

Martin Buber

I count the summers, months, days that I have with my three kids still living at home. It’s not enough! I want to go back and be kinder, nicer, more loving, patient. I want to hug them more. I don’t want to say, “just a minute.” I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to be distracted. What was more important? Nothing! Why did I think that would have enough time? Did I make enough good memories to push out the bad? Did I make them feel special? I imagine them as toddlers – trusting, seeking, demanding. I’m alone in my regret, bombarded by toxic positivity.

Now, the tables are turned and they’re often too busy for me and my heart is breaking.

My middle two kids begin college later this month and I lie awake strangling on my own doubts and fears and lack of control. Why doesn’t my husband, their father, have any worries? He’s already asleep, in oblivion. I want to shake him awake at 2 AM and pour out all my fears and regrets, but he never knows what to do with me, so I keep it all inside. I can’t protect them from the world, from abusive men, from arrogant professors, from false friends, from themselves. I make up scenarios in my head to warn them about. I feel I am running out of time. I’m late; I’m late; I’m late! What else can I teach them, impart from my own experiences? What script can I help them memorize for an unknown circumstance? What situation can we anticipate together?

I feel prickly with fear of the future.

I don’t want them to live in fear but to walk in wisdom.

(I need to remember this and stop wallowing in guilt and shame.)

I tell my kids often:

Almost everything can be fixed. The consequences may be unpleasant and people may get upset, but almost every mistake can be remedied.

You might also like:

Linking up: Random Musings, April Harris, Ridge Haven, Create with Joy, Pam’s Party, Pinch of Joy, Mostly Blogging, LouLou Girls, OMHG, Jenerally Informed, Pieced Pastimes, God’s Growing Garden, InstaEncouragements, Suburbia, Eclectic Red Barn, Simply Coffee, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Ridge Haven Homestead, Soaring with Him, Silverado, Anchored Abode, Joanne Viola, Shelbee on the Edge, Lisa Notes, Momfessionals,

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Healing Mother

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Please see my suggested resources.

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Parenting is not transactional.

Our kids don’t owe anything us as parents.

When we expect something in return, it’s business.

My dad used to say that he couldn’t bust me in the mouth because he spent so much on braces to fix my teeth. It wasn’t funny. I felt guilty that I had cost him so much money but confused that he wanted to hit me and was making jokes about it. I realize as an adult that my parents only paid to fix my teeth so they wouldn’t be embarrassed by my appearance. It was never about me.

My parents said all those horrible phrases to me about bringing me into this world and providing me with a roof over my head, utilities, food.

“Look at all we’ve done for you!” was said often when they felt I was being ungrateful about anything.

Nothing my parents ever did for me was for my own benefit. It always came with strings attached. I was supposed to “pay for it” somehow.

I was never allowed to make decisions. It was a difficult path to independent adulthood.

I was terrified of my parents. I was never enough. Nothing I ever said or did was enough. And I was a good kid. I did almost all the “right things.” They come back and tell me how ungrateful I am – still. I’m 46 years old and I’m still never good enough.

There are better ways for parents to receive gratitude from their kids than demanding it or trying to buy it or whining and complaining about it.

I am healing myself so I can be a better mother to my children.

I constantly look for ways to delight my children. I research all the time. I want my children to be the best they can be, healthy and happy and strong. I want them to have all the best foods, books, tools, everything – to become who they will be.

It’s not about who I might want them to be. I cannot live vicariously through my kids, no matter what losses I feel in my soul. My own lost little girl cries to sleep at night but I put on a brave face during the day to be a good mom to my kids.

Motherhood is indeed a thankless and often invisible job. It’s behind the scenes. Mothering work is only noticed when it is left undone or isn’t done well (by whose standards?). Moms don’t get to rest. There are no sick days or down days. There’s no such thing as self care for moms and those who do take time to care for themselves have a luxury to pay for others to do the domestic duties or let them slide. And there’s always, always, always blame and shame.

One day a year to celebrate mothers lets our society off the hook for all the lack of community and services and actual help. For the gift of a 6-week unpaid maternity leave that we’re supposed to be oh, so thankful for! Flowers, candy, brunch is supposed to be enough to show gratitude for the invisible labor of motherhood. I never get a day off, not even Mother’s Day or my birthday or any other day.

I enjoy spending time with my kids. I am learning to ask for and express what I want and need. It’s easier now that my kids are all over twelve years old. They’re not babies physically attached or toddlers with separation anxiety or young kids needing constant verbal and visual affirmation. They’re independent thinking, feeling, opinionated, compassionate, empathetic persons!

They’re understanding that I am a mother but also a person with needs, dreams, desires. I get tired and sick sometimes. I need alone time occasionally. I ask for help when I want or need it – trying to do so clearly without whining or exasperation. I can’t expect them to read my mind. I have to teach them to notice what needs to be done and show them how to do it.

It’s taken over twenty years for me to find a voice that was somehow stifled or lost by shame and guilt and humiliation and ridicule. I was a person before I was a mother.

I invite my kids to do projects with me, but I don’t make them feel guilty if they don’t want to or can’t right now or if they say later, in a minute. I ask for my kids’ input and I listen and I make adjustments and I take their considerations to heart without getting my feelings hurt or projecting my issues onto them. (Sometimes, my feelings are hurt, but I keep that to myself.)

It’s not your child’s job to appreciate having a better childhood than you did.

Bonnie Harris

I don’t have to do it all just because our society says that’s what mothers should be and do.

For years, I felt shame and guilt and regret about my very existence. I didn’t think I was lovable. I felt I wasn’t worth anything unless I performed well – and I never felt that I performed well. I had so internalized the way my parents treated me that I projected that onto everyone else. I didn’t receive the love from my husband and kids.

I take a bath every single night with chamomile tea and a book. This is my me time – for thirty minutes alone. It’s important and everyone in my household knows it’s my time. I do try to make sure everything is in order so I can have that thirty uninterrupted minutes.

It took me years to start healing myself and realizing that my kids are healthier and lovelier than I am. They show empathy and seek relationship with me even when I don’t feel well. They are healing me. They are helping me find myself.

This is it, I thought. This is my life. And sometimes, living sacred just means being present—moment to moment, day by day.

Rivvy Neshama

I could complain and cry about how my parents don’t love me in ways I understand. I really don’t want to focus on the negative. I have made bids for 46 years that are often ignored, thwarted, ridiculed. I am tired. I have set boundaries. I have received silent treatment. My parents are emotionally immature. They are 80 and I’m an only child. I focus on my four kids now. So much of what I do is an opposite of what I learned and how I was treated. I am sad my kids don’t have grandparents.

Ways my kids show me they love me every single day:

  • Sending me memes, TikTok videos, and Instagram posts about foraging, plants, birds, cats, jokes, music
  • Making me tea, just whenever
  • Snuggling during read alouds
  • Watching history documentaries, movies, and TV shows with me
  • Riding along to the grocery store and helping (so fun with teens!)
  • Planning and making meals or baking with me
  • Planning, gardening, and doing yard work with me
  • Sitting and talking at the table after dinner
  • Helping clean up the kitchen
  • Hiking and walking with me outside in nature
  • A MYRIAD of other ways…my kids are loved and loving

My kids have been, are, and will be good people. They are thoughtful. They are learning how to be emotionally intelligent, loving, and kind. I am constantly amazed by their thoughts, words, decisions. I remember how I was at their age and I am so proud of who they are.

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Resources:

Linking up: Pinch of Joy, Silverado, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, April Harris, Create with Joy, Jenerally Informed, LouLou Girls, God’s Growing Garden, OMHG, Shelbee on the Edge, Soaring with Him, InstaEncouragements, Anchored Abode, Homestead, Life Abundant, Try it Like it, Katherine’s Corner, Imparted Grace, Slices of Life, Fluster Buster, Suburbia, Penny’s Passion, Modern Monticello, Answer is Chocolate, Bijou Life, Momfessionals, Eclectic Red Barn,

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Summer Slide

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Please stop with the summer slide bullshit.

Please stop crowd sourcing ideas to force your kids to do chores and academic work over the summer.

Stop with the chore charts. Enough with coercion. Stop with the control. Stop the abuse.

Every summer, and often throughout the year, I see parents, usually moms, ask how to get their kids to do anything other than use a screen.

Are we so miserable that we want our kids to be miserable too?

I played all summer long until I began college. What has changed that we want our kids to suffer or earn the right to play?

I don’t earn my screentime. Why should my kids earn theirs?

I’m gonna go out on a limb and surely be unpopular, but I don’t require my kids to do anything to earn screentime. I don’t earn screentime. I don’t require them to complete anything academic in the summer. I don’t require summer reading.

The interesting thing is they are very willing to help with household tasks when they have freedom and respect. I help them put their clothes away and clean and organize their rooms and spaces. They need scaffolding and modeling and can’t be expected to know how to be a functioning adult without guidance.

They choose to do puzzles, outside play, reading, board games…when they’re not desperately thinking of their next earned screen minute. Screens suddenly become just another activity to do along with so many other options. There is no scarcity mentality with the freedom to choose.

I think the screen is just becoming a symbol for our own triggers and lack of control and communication skills

The only rule is all devices are plugged in away from beds at bedtime.

My kids are 12, 15, 16, 21.

They do actually notice when things need done and do chores cheerfully because they’re members of a household where they have a voice.

My kids can’t talk back to me.

We discuss options and I state my case about my concerns for my kids’ safety and health. They have no reason to be deceitful. They know that I love and respect them and truly have their best interests in my mind and heart.

I realize it’s the societal norm for kids to be monitored and controlled and dictated, but it creates disharmony and it’s so much more work keeping track. We’re not about competition or charts or checklists. We’re about cooperation.

We homeschool, but they have freedom there too. We go with the flow rather than strict schedule.

Schools are coercive, humiliating, controlling, and abusive. Students are forced to learn information to regurgitate the info on a test and then they promptly purge that from their memories. Students don’t learn valuable skills in school; they learn how to jump through hoops. Schools are not preparing kids to be questioners, thinkers, or leaders. The authorities don’t want people to have a voice, autonomy, or freedom.

It’s ironic that so many school assignments requires screens and going online.

Children only have 18-21 summers before they have to be working adults. I want them to make memories and have fun, to be wild and free. I don’t want them to dread summertime as just another chore-filled season.

Many schools go year-round and lots of parents overschedule their kids, including during summer. Just because it’s expected and considered the norm doesn’t mean we have to participate in making our kids work year-round.

Also, enough with all the tutoring and test prep.

Kids are tired. Let them play.

What does summer look like for your kids?

You might also like:

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, Mostly Blogging, Create with Joy, Anita Ojeda, Pinch of Joy, Silverado, Random Musings, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, Shelbee on the Edge, Ridge Haven, God’s Growing Garden, Ducks in a Row, OMHG, Soaring with Him, Joanne Viola, RidgeHaven, Fluster Buster, Penny’s Passion, Bijou Life, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Bijou Online, Momfessionals, Modern Monticello, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, CWJ, Answer is Chocolate, April Harris, Suburbia,

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Consent

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Please see my suggested resources.

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Teaching consent to our kids is one of the most important lessons.

We should begin practicing and teaching consent with babies, but it’s never too late.

Gentle and respectful parenting is about consent and respecting kids as the people they are – with needs, preferences, and desires just like adults.

Even though I had little autonomy as a child, teen, or even young adult, I want to do better with my kids and model and teach them consent in all their relationships.

I didn’t do the greatest as a gentle parent until about ten years ago, so my eldest got the brunt of my outgrowing my own childishness and trauma. My middle two kids don’t have much memory of the bad times and my youngest is the healthiest by far.

Consent and control cannot coexist.

I find myself constantly reevaluating how I can show respect to my children.

I have edited and updated my blog and social media to exclude photos and stories about my children than they would rather I not share. I don’t post photos of my kids without their consent anymore. I do not share explicit stories about my kids’ troubles or our family troubles without clearing it with my family first. Yes, I think some info is helpful to others who may face the same issues, but it’s a touchy subject and I should use discretion.

Kids are not a hashtag nor should they be exploited online for clicks, likes, clout.

What does teaching and modeling consent look like?

Pets

Having pets or access to pets is a great way to model and teach consent. Animals surely let us know when they are done with us or don’t like something.

We teach even our youngest kids how to gently pet the cat, to be quiet and less sudden so as not to scare the cat. Kids learn about pets’ eating and bathroom habits and how to leave them alone to do that. This is easily transferrable to people and respecting their space.

Some pets are more anxious than others and it’s important not to leave very young kids alone with animals, even if you think you know them well.

Infants

Since infants don’t have any autonomy and can only make eye contact and sounds, it’s important to speak to our babies and narrate what we are doing to their bodies so they can begin to understand that we care for them with love and respect.

We can gently tell our babies that we are picking them up so they associate the words with the action. We can inform them that it is time for a diaper change. We can explain that we need to gently wipe nose, mouth, face. We can make it a game to undress or dress for bathtime or changing time as we talk about body parts that we tuck into sleeves or massage with oils.

Toddlers

This is probably a difficult time but oh, so important to model and discuss consent.

Toddlers learn and love the word, “No!” and use it often. It’s very upsetting to buckle a child into a carseat when she doesn’t want to do that.

We teach that NO is never a game. No means NO. We stop tickling or wrestling or playing and we teach new ways to play games like Freeze Tag or Red Light Green Light without making No a game or funny word.

Many times, the toddler doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing to get the diaper changed. We have to give firm choices of only two options like, now or after this song. We can explain that it’s important for health and everyone’s happiness that carseats are always used and diapers are changed. We as adults might need to be more flexible and allow more time or change of plans if the child is unwilling or needs to wait.

Kids know if they’re hot or cold and it’s wise to take extra clothing along just in case. And they will often realize they need that coat or hat after all in a few minutes. Children know when they’re hungry so it’s wise not to coax them to eat more and not listen to their bodies. When they get sleepy, it’s often needed to be patient and close by with young kids who are learning how to self-soothe. We can give kids agency by offering choices like what story to read at bedtime or what snack to have.

Much of consent with toddlers is teaching the concepts of body, space, and touch. Also, showing empathy to kids and modeling emotional intelligence instead of distracting from healthy emotions, even if we as a society view those feelings as negative or uncomfortable. When a child falls or gets hurt, we can express that we understand. We are here. We permit the tears so they can move on from the pain, whether physical or embarrassment or both.

Elementary

Once kids reach school age, it’s easier to communicate and impart another’s viewpoint. Kids are naturally empathetic and want to please.

Kids need to learn the difference between secrets and surprises. We have to model and teach safety to young kids so they know there should be no secrets. Teaching kids blind obedience opens up ways for abuse if they have no outlet to question or negotiate. Bodies are our own and we don’t owe anyone hugs, kisses, fist bumps, handshakes, or any contact at all. As parents, we must protect our kids from overreaching family members and friends who do not understand this.

Kids learn personal space and respect by seeing it modeled by the adults they trust. Teaching boundaries is essential. Learning about tone of voice and body language becomes important.

I speak firmly and clearly to my kids when I need a moment and they learn that I am nearby and they are safe. They learn that people have needs to be alone or together, quiet or loud, at different times.

Interruptions are harsh for kids, so it’s wise to give warnings about cleaning up and getting ready a few minutes beforehand. I also like to help my kids with overwhelming chores so they don’t feel so lost and get discouraged.

Tweens

Please do not wait until kids are over ten to discuss sex ed. This should be an ongoing conversation and surely kids are curious about some aspects as young as toddlers and preschoolers. If you have triggers or hangups about sex, you need to work to overcome that so you can discuss the hard topics with your kids.

Consent is so much more than just about sex.

Even if the concept of consent is newer to you or you didn’t model it so well with the kids when they were younger, you can make up for the lost time and start anew.

I’m learning and growing alongside my kids and reading, reading, reading so much as preview and with my kids now.

It’s important to be open to messy conversations about relationships, dating, and sex. It’s certainly time to discuss sexual harassment and assault. We need to discuss substance use and abuse and its role in consent.

We can practice responses about boundaries so kids have an internal script.

We watch shows together that often have cringey scenes and we discuss why and what should be different. They don’t really like to see violence or sex on screen and I try to brace them if the show is still good enough and only has a few scenes that forward the story line.

Teens

It’s go time.

Everything we have done as parents is now being tested out in the real world. We cannot be there as a protective parent all the time anymore, and that is oh, so scary.

Teens are exploring and navigating relationships outside the family, with friends and potential significant others.

It’s important that we as parents stand by as guides and not judges. By building trust, we are here to help our teens work out issues in their relationships and help them make wise decisions.

Consent isn’t just for straight boys. We need to help our kids understand the importance of consent in all their interactions and relationships. It’s about more than just sex.

We need to have hard conversations with our kids and if sex cannot be discussed with proper words for body parts and functions, then no one should be doing it.

There needs to be clear verbal consent each and every time there is any intimacy.

It might be a good time for self-defense classes.

Adults

The human brain isn’t fully developed until about age 25.

Hopefully, young adults grow in wisdom and respect and model healthy relationships to those around them.

With so many different kinds of relationships being acceptable, it’s super important to be clear with consent and boundaries.

I’m still modeling consent and having conversations with my eldest child who is about to turn 21.

I’m rather glad I don’t have to navigate the dating scene anymore and I’m worried for my four kids and what they may encounter and how they can handle it.

As parents, we need to protect young ones from overreaching adults – family members, friends, and acquaintances who may overstep and demand contact that our kids aren’t interested or ready for. Our kids don’t owe anyone access to their bodies – not grandpa, grandma, aunts, uncles, or the elderly at church.

I’ve found myself becoming hyper-aware of adults invading kids’ space. Why did the eye doctor have to lean on my child’s knee to adjust the equipment or touch my son’s shirt in jest to make his inappropriate joke? I also notice when adults are very respectful and I make sure to thank them.

It’s important to set boundaries and continue to communicate clearly about needs.

Hopefully, we can help the next generations do even better with consent.

7 Ways to Teach YOUR children Consent without mentioning SEX by Lolo Cynthia.

  1. Teach Your Children To Say NO
  2. Respect Your Children’s NO
  3. Teach Your Children To ALWAYS ask for permission
  4. Get A Strong Positive Male Figure For Boy Children
  5. Teach Kids Not To Move People Out Of the Way With Their Hands
  6. Teach Kids Not To Give Out People’s Personal Information Without Permission
  7. Make every moment a teachable moment.

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People misusing and abusing the word “grooming” are “creating confusion about what ‘grooming’ and child abuse actually entails, and when there’s confusion, it’s harder for adults to notice actual abuse and harder for kids to report.”

What does consent look like in your family?

Linking up: House on Silverado, Pinch of Joy, Eclectic Red Barn, Grammy’s Grid, Random Musings, Suburbia, Stroll Thru Life, Shelbee on the Edge, Across the Blvd, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, OMHG, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Create with Joy, Thistle Key Lane, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap, Ducks in a Row, Anchored Abode, InstaEncouragements, Penny’s Passion, Eclectic Red Barn, Ridge Haven, Slices of Life, Try it Like it, Soaring with Him, Answer is Choco, Imparting Grace, Busy Being Jennifer, Being a Wordsmith, Pieced Pastimes, Momfessionals, Mostly Blogging,

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Parenting with Depression

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I’m really tired of all the blogs and articles telling mothers to just get help.

I think some people assume it’s easy to get help.

There are so many obstacles to getting help.

Sometimes, the help isn’t helpful.

Sometimes, therapy makes things worse.

I’m sorry that I do need more than Jesus. Many require therapy, meds, and many things more than Jesus. When Christians admonish those with mental illness or recovery from abuse or living with addiction that all we need is Jesus, it diminishes us still further, stigmatizes, silences. Why do we need more? Are we not good enough? Are we not Christian enough? Maybe these “Christians” aren’t really showing us Jesus. It’s just empty words like so much emptiness in my heart, mind, soul.

Depression isn’t always obvious.

I hide my inner self because no one really wants the running commentary about everything that is out of sync with our natures with this dying society.

I could fit in if I wanted to, if I tried harder. I could paste on a smile and giggle and be fake and nod along with other parents telling horrendous stories shaming their kids and making fun of their spouses.

My values aren’t their values. No one shares my values.

The trite checklists on how to help moms, depressed or not, is really out of touch with reality.

As a military wife and homeschool mom, I don’t have any help or family or friends or staff or child care. I don’t even have an emergency contact on forms!

Finding a therapist or psychologist is virtually impossible. I don’t have the luxury of shopping around and moving every few years makes for no continuity. Why should I even start to trust someone and open up to them if I have to move?

There is no extra money for hiring out home cleaning or yard maintenance.

Self care is way more than bubble baths. No one actually cares. And I struggle to care for myself.

I learned early in life not to have needs.

It was a cycle: Felt need, shame for need, inability to meet my own need, increased shame for need, paralyzing effects of shame blocking self care, increased need, more shame—on and on until I felt into my darkest, most fearful mental anguish.

Janyne A. McConnaughey, Ph.D.

Those depression and suicide risk assessments at the doctor’s office are bullshit. “Don’t hesitate to reach out.” Reach out to whom, exactly? Reach out for what? If I were honest with health care professionals or acquaintances or family members about my inner thoughts and feelings, I would be locked away against my will and my children might be removed from our home.

Every single appointment, the doctor offers me drugs for anxiety and depression. It’s so easy. I could just medicate myself into annihilation.

So I suffer in silence.

Our culture tends to think of depression in the person who finds work too stressful as a sign of weakness. Self-help articles imply that they just need more mental toughness and they could lean in and solve it. Even some therapists tell them that their depression is a distorted perception of circumstances that aren’t so bad.

Alison Escalante, M.D.

I had panic attacks the first couple years of marriage. We moved across the country, had two babies, and I quit teaching to begin homeschooling my eldest daughter. I just couldn’t cope with all the quick changes.

I struggled for years to do everything I thought I was supposed to do. I was constantly irritable. I just lived angry. I couldn’t delight in my kids and the cute things they said or did. Everything was a dreaded chore. I resented everyone.

I accomplish my duties every day.

Some days, it’s just “good enough.”

I never want to get out of bed. Usually my bladder says otherwise. I drag myself away from the oblivion of sleep to face the day.

I try to fill the kettle with water the night before so I just click the switch to boil the water for tea.

I give myself a pat on the back every day that I unload and load the dishwasher, wash, dry, and put away the laundry, prepare and clean up three meals for the kids. I read aloud for about an hour every morning.

It frustrates me all the mothers who are proud of their neurodivergence. I am not proud. I wish I were oblivious to all the horrors of this world. I wish I were a slaphappy InstaPinterest Stepford wife who doesn’t have a care in the world. I wish I could medicate it all away.

Ignorance really is bliss.

Sometimes the sheer weight of the world knocks me sideways and I inwardly rock with the collective pain. I’m dizzy with fear. I smile it away and pretend I’m fine.

I’m fine.

It’s like I have a constant dull headache.

I don’t want to frighten my family with my inner thoughts. I pretend they’re not there, the intrusive thoughts.

Every single day, multiple times a day, I tell my suicidal thoughts to shut the fuck up.

I am not dying today. I have things to do. Even though my life seems tedious and expendable, I am needed. Maybe I am not so easily replaceable.

I will not traumatize my kids with a dead mother. I will live to see them grow up.

I know all the “right” things to do and I try to do them, especially when I don’t feel like it.

I make my bed every morning – so I won’t climb back in it. I try to eat well. I limit myself to two cups of tea or coffee. I try to remember to brush my teeth. I limit visible clutter to help my inner anxiety. I exercise almost every day. I go for walks outdoors with my kids almost every afternoon. I get off social media when it seems too much. I surround myself with blues and greens. I take an Epsom salts bath every evening. I listen to music and read a lot.

I need to model good practices.

It’s devastating to me that my kids remind me to brush my teeth and take my vitamins. I know they’re just modeling back to me what I have taught them and they’re genuinely concerned, but I’m the mom, the adult, and the kids shouldn’t have to worry about me.

I don’t want to be a burden on my family. I’m sure parents with diabetes or some other physical medical diagnosis or chronic illness don’t feel the shame and guilt that parents with mental illness feel. We suffer in silence and put on a brave face in spite of everything.

I say “I’m sorry” all the time. I feel so ashamed when and if I forget something or get caught being careless.

I’m sorry the store was out of the good sausage and I had to buy this lesser one. I’m sorry I forgot the ice cream again. I’m sorry I am overwhelmed and have to interrupt your game to ask for your help. I’m sorry I got frustrated by the shoes left in my way. I’m sorry that I need your laundry basket back to fill it up with your clean laundry.

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

Imsorry

Lately, I’ve been so clumsy and disoriented that I’ve knocked glasses off the kitchen counter and slipped getting into the bathtub. The doctor said it’s probably anxiety since my physical health is fine. He offered me meds again. He offered me an appointment with the behavioral health specialist. The last time – four years ago – full of hope and younger then, I went to BHOP, she offered me a breathing app for a smartphone sponsored by the U.S. Air Force. She told me to fill out a graphic organizer detailing my support system. I don’t have a support system. She is no help. She doesn’t really care. I am just a number, a box to check. She even called the house to ask if I’m ok and I let the answering machine pick up multiple times before I picked up to say, that yes, I’m fine. I’m fine.

For the life of me, I can’t remember or find where I got this list, but I think it’s important to post it here as some common reasons for depression in moms.

  1. Standards of Perfection – Holding ourselves to impossible standards
  2. Lack of Adequate Coping Skills or Self Care – Setting boundaries, saying no to more, being confident with your choices – all self-care
  3. Unresolved Pain – Failure to address suffering of past trauma or abuse
  4. Attempting To Control The Future – An unhealthy concern of how today’s actions could result in a future negative outcome: ANXIETY
  5. Lack of Support – Knowing where to turn for help without feeling guilt 

wow, I have all of those!

Wine mom culture isn’t gonna fix it.

I think there are many causes of depression. Of course it’s a mix of environmental causes and brain chemistry.

I’ve had functional depression since about the age of twelve. I think growing into abstract thinking and the hormone surge of adolescence triggers a lot of mental illness. I struggled with cognitive dissonance with my parents’ abuse and societal issues with my introversion and high sensitive emotions. So, it’s a lovely melting pot of negativity and lack of connection and having no one to help me.

It’s been difficult to come to terms with who I really am – as an adult, a wife and mother. I spent my whole life stifling it and hiding as never enough.

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By Laura Grace Weldon
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Raised Better

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I remember being spanked, backhanded, pushed, yelled at, belittled, called “stupid” and “worthless.” I was told to stop crying or I would be given something to cry about. Nothing I ever did was good enough.

I was not a bad kid. I got good grades. I seldom got in trouble at school. I did home chores, anything I was asked to do. I helped with cleaning and cooking and yard work.

All grown-ups were once children…but only few of them remember it.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

My parents stole so many wonderful memories from me that I longed to happily share with them – moving out in a healthy way, graduating college and grad school, having my first baby.

I did my best to drag myself out of the pit I made. I struggled. I learned. I grew.

What if I had been raised better?

What if I had been protected, loved, cherished, validated?

I can reparent myself as I learn how to gently parent my four children. I can repair and heal myself as I learn better ways.

I’ve spent over twenty years stressed and anxious about my four kids.

I have running commentary inside my head all the time:

Am I doing this right? Am I doing enough? Should I back off? Should I do this? Should we stop that? What can I do differently? What is working or not?

And I have so many regrets about doing the wrong things when I was a younger and more inexperienced parent.

What are my expectations and are they about my ego or what’s best for my child?

We sometimes struggled to give our kids the life we didn’t have. We have no guidance or role models.

When children are little, parents do have to make (sometimes hard) decisions for the child. I try to include my kids and respect them, but sometimes I have to override their wishes to make the best choice for their well-being.

Children naturally trust parents and are attached to them as caregivers. They have little choice, so it’s very important that I do the best I can and treat them well and respectfully. I want my children to grow up healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Better than I was.

I made sure we enrolled the kids in recreational sports, dance, gymnastics, music, art – whatever was available and they expressed interest in. The kids often shared my enthusiasm and we were careful not to pressure them. If they expressed they wanted to move on or update their interests, we welcomed their input and made necessary changes.

As my kids grow into teens and young adults, they sometimes express themselves to me and their dad in ways that hurt. I try really hard not to be triggered or take it personally. I try to listen and understand. I cry alone, in secret. I don’t want my kids to feel guilty or wrong for telling me their thoughts, wishes, dreams, feelings. I want them to feel safe to tell me anything. I don’t want to put pressure on my children to rescue me.

I worry constantly if I’m saying or doing something like my parents did to me.

I have to update my expectations often as I continually remind myself and realize that my children are individuals with their own lives to lead. Parents surely have dreams for their children, but we can’t and shouldn’t impose that or try to live vicariously through our kids.

I have spent over twenty years meeting physical needs and trying my best to guide my children into being healthy adults – mentally, emotionally, psychologically.

If the consequences of my child’s action or inaction does not affect me, then I must force myself to back off.

My kids this spring are 11, 14, 15, and my eldest will be 21 this fall.

I have imparted my values to them. I guide them and answer questions. I try to be proactive. I tell them what my experiences were in similar situations.

I can only be as concerned as my child.

My child’s grades do not affect me.

My child’s hair, skin, makeup, clothing is their personal choice.

My child’s possessions are their responsibility and I cannot dictate how they treat their possessions.

It is not up to me how my child spends her money (whether money is earned or a gift).

My child’s choice to quit or postpone college is not about me.

My child’s car (after age 18) is her responsibility for maintenance, insurance, gas, repairs.

My child’s choice to move into an apartment is not my fault nor can I control anything about it.

My adult child’s food choices are not my concern unless they become disordered or extreme.

My child’s tax return is her responsibility to gather paperwork and to file.

It is not my job to say “should.”

It is not my job to offer unsolicited advice.

It is my concern to help my child manage her personal hygiene and keep her room relatively clean and neat for physical and mental health and to learn executive function.

My child’s health is my concern. No matter her age. I worry about physical, mental, and dental health. I worry that my adult child has to buy her own health insurance this fall. I worry about some of her personal choices that could pose problems later. I worry that I will want or have to rescue her from herself.

While I will, of course, rescue my child in an emergency (in most cases), it is not my duty to be anxious that she makes different choices than I did or would in her circumstances.

I do intervene when a child’s mistake, words, physical abuse, action, or inaction affects her siblings or others. It is often difficult to parent a child who doesn’t react to natural consequences or is constantly flippant, expecting the problems to just go away on their own. Lack of empathy and refusal to make amends is not ok.

It’s been hard having a child who laughs at consequences and no punishment matters.

Parents are still constantly learning.

I am so glad I am out of the baby, toddler, and young child stages. I love having older kids and teens. Conversations are lively and exciting. I love seeing my kids still act like kids and wanting to be together and show affection to each other.

Look at how much love and joy comes from just letting people be who they are.

Dan Levy

Linking up: Pam’s Party, Random Musings, Mostly Blogging, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Marilyn’s Treats, Uncommon Suburbia, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Jeanne Takenaka, Grammy’s Grid, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Ridge Haven, Ginger Snap, Fluster Buster, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Simply Sweet Home, Embracing Unexpected, OMHG, CWJ, Create with Joy,

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Social Dilemma

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If you haven’t watched Social Dilemma yet, I do suggest you take the time.

We had some issues with online use with our eldest when she was a tween, so we took more precautions with our younger three kids.

I don’t limit screentime for my kids. It’s too much work for me to police them and creates too much conflict. I want them to learn their own boundaries and limits and time management.

These days, with many kids using computers and smart devices to attend online classes or complete school work, it’s really hard to know where to draw the line between healthy online use and what might be too much. It’s just unfamiliar territory. I do feel there is something lost in translation.

Meetings and talks aren’t as dynamic as when done in person, with audience energy. We are losing our humanity to machines.

My kids are amused and horrified that I didn’t have Internet until I was about 18. Cell phones were bulky and in a big bag when my parents first bought one – for emergencies only. I didn’t own a smartphone until 2005 and that’s when I first got Facebook.

Being Gen X, I can remember not having this little pocket computer that is both a bane and a blessing. The biggest difference I see since I watched tons of TV as a kid is that now it’s all interactive and not safe even if it’s a private group or all the right parental controls are in place.

I have literally watched the explosive growth of the Internet, apps, smart devices…

I recognized early on all the ways that it could be abused and used for evil. While I love the ways it can be used for connection and good, I am wary and careful.

I know what it is to live without it and I know what addiction looks like and how to put it down and walk away.

I know I don’t use social media or my smartphone like many people do, and certainly not like most teens use them lately.

Little do they know that I have multiple devices: an iPad mini, Pixel smartphone, and a desktop computer.

I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I often long for the times before constant instant connection. I hate how we’re just expected to buy the newest and latest smartphone, tablet, computer and the corporations make them to break down quickly and unable to update.

I don’t like all the health tracking apps and smart home devices. I don’t want my information known and stored for whoall to listen, see, and know. How do I know the app or website is keeping me and my info safe? Who has access?

I have recently removed almost all photos of my kids. I posted lots over the years about our travels and homeschooling and daily life. I posted photos and details of my kids without their permission when they were too little to understand. I am updating the blog to remove details and photos. I am concerned about their privacy and consent. Their images and stories are not mine to share.

Yes, I’ve used screens as babysitters at home, in stores and restaurants, at airports and while traveling. It’s hard not to when they’re portable and convenient and seem relatively harmless.

I love how my one daughter uses apps on her tablet to create amazing art. Another daughter follows everything space explorers do worldwide on social media and NASA TV.

My kids and husband and I all send each other memes and I try to keep up with all the latest humor. I especially love the “Not a cell phone in sight. Just people living in the moment…”

I love that we were able to keep in touch so well when my husband was deployed. Technology even has come a long way in just a few years, compared to our first deployment when Skype was all we had and it was sporadic.

My personal boundaries with social media:

  • I don’t feel the need to share everything.
  • I only have about 35 friends on Facebook. I only keep family and close friends. Others can like my Page. I follow only pages and people I want to see.
  • Put down the Twitter when news gets too overwhelming.
  • I loathe Instagram and Pinterest since influencers took over and just use them for ads and sponsored posts.
  • I’m careful what I post of myself and family members online. Only with permission. No location. No info they don’t want or we aren’t comfortable sharing.
  • Regular screen breaks.
  • Apps don’t have to connect to social media.
  • I don’t have to use social media to login third party to apps.
  • I limit how I can be tracked online.
  • I turn off ads as often as I can.

My Concerns

Doomscrolling and schadensurfing eat up lots of time and erode our mental health. We need to find better and healthier ways to use our time.

And we have sadfishing where kids, teens, and adults “fish for” or seek interaction online by posting sad memes and statuses, hoping for likes and comments. But how do we know if and when these posts are real cries for help – depression, anxiety, suicidal?

Does my child have a Finsta or other fake accounts on various social media platforms to hide their identity or post images and statuses that I don’t know about or that they don’t want me to see? It’s important that my kids can be honest with me and feel comfortable talking to me about everything.

Of course I’m worried about online bullies, predators, porn, and ads marketing to children. I constantly discuss concerns with my kids and I keep up to date on the latest trends to protect our family. A disturbing trend is suicide on TikTok. Deepfakes are getting more clever and they’re not often funny. These apps aren’t going to protect anyone and it’s my job to be very aware what’s on them. Luckily, my middle kids only follow certain topics so they haven’t seen anything questionable. yet.

The social media companies spy and track users. They target us with ads that look more and more suspicious, like regular posts from friends, family, acquaintances. They store our information they collect in order to sell us more, more, more. We joke that they can hear us and get inside our heads and that may be partially true based on our clicks and what we like, watch, and share. The marketing gurus are getting paid to make these companies the most money and they don’t care who they exploit to do that.

Having multiple screens limits attention spans. We still don’t know that much about long term screen use and how it adversely affects brain development. I can certainly see the effects when the kids or my husband or I have been staring at screens too long. We get irritable, headachey, experience eye strain, and feel tired. If we’re watching TV or playing a video game, there is no reason to have a smartphone or tablet on too except occasionally for research purposes. I try to model and teach my kids to be all there and present instead of distracted.

It’s ironic that I met my husband online, fifteen years ago on Match. Also, the hot tubs and meetups in the early days of the Internet were far more dangerous then than they seem now with all the safety nets in the current dating apps. My eldest daughter has met some lovely friends online and being able to video chat and share screens is just innovative. We still discuss safety precautions and meeting in public crowded places, being aware or surroundings and letting me know where she is and who she is meeting.

It’s important to maintain face to face relationships, share hobbies, get outside, do activities together that don’t involve screens. We’re losing touch with who we are and our kids don’t know any better if that’s all they see their parents, peers, and others do.

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.

 Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace
The Nap Ministry

Tips for Healthier Social Media Use:

  1. Turn off notifications.
  2. Remove from device any apps that are problematic.
  3. Remove apps from the homescreen.
  4. Set time limits for screen time or certain apps in settings.
  5. No devices at the dinner table or meal times.
  6. Turn off devices and place in charging station one hour before bedtime.
  7. No devices in bedrooms.
  8. Use browser extensions to block social networking sites.
  9. Observe a digital sabbath each day, week, or month.
  10. Only follow people, pages, accounts that add value to your life.
  11. One screen at a time.
  12. Take frequent screen breaks.

Screens are a vital part of our lives, connecting us and granting instant information. While I love being able to research something at any moment, we need balance and moderation in our lives too. I try to model and teach my kids to connect face to face instead of just through screens.

It’s up to me as a parent to navigate this brave new world and keep up so I can teach my kids best practices to protect them from questionable apps, spying social media, inappropriate websites, and mean people online.

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Ten

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My three girls are all teens now. My son just turned ten and I will tell you, it’s a different world having all my kids in two digits.

Young kids are so different from bigger kids. It’s fascinating to see their minds begin to develop into abstract when before it was all so concrete and literal, but they loved fantasy and fairy tales.

It’s a lot less physical work in parenting big kids and teens, but it’s way more emotional and psychological work now.

I wish I had been more aware during my kids’ formative years. It’s hard in the trenches to see the big picture and realize the affect our words and actions might have on our children’s psychological development. I was healing myself as I was trying to be a wife and parent to four young kids. I’m still healing and working on being a better parent and person.

While it is always a journey, I feel better equipped as a parent the last few years and I can differences in my youngest and my eldest in their mental health. I pray she forgives me and heals as we grow together.

Looking back, having young kids is like living in survival mode. There is little time to be metacognitive – to sit back, to relax, and enjoy it. There are certainly some moments. There are just glimpses. There are tears of joy and of frustration. There are grave moments of regret and apologies to self, God, and the child. There is often blame when I felt like I did it all with little or no help.

I can laugh about my son not sleeping well for his first three years now. I can apologize to my eldest for relying on her as a parent helper too much now. I can continue to revise our priorities and values more towards simplicity now. I can regret our delving into Christian fundamentalism now and make amends in our family spiritual education and healing.

We’re all healthier and calmer because I work hard to make sure our home is a haven. I constantly revise our priorities. I like simplicity.

During the first seven years, children work mainly out of imitation, while from ages 7-14, children work out of authority. This is why attachment is so important to develop a trusting relationship with kids.

This is also why many families experience difficulties with teens not listening. They didn’t feel attached or safe or listened to as young children, so they won’t just magically begin when they’re older. They develop their own thoughts, values, opinions, preferences. Many parents feel threatened and triggered by kids who express themselves, question authority, and other natural developmental growth.

Around age 9, kids undergo a change or crisis when they begin thinking abstractly. They’re continuing their development from young child to older child. They’re reaching the age of reason. They’re learning to trust themselves. They’re developing an opinion and preferences. Fairy tales are no longer as magical, but they may be rediscovered soon enough. It’s important for me to stay optimistic and positive thinking so my kids don’t get burdened, overly anxious, depressed, or upset.

It’s not time to worry yet.

Changes I See

My kids started becoming much more independent around age 10.

They develop opinions about everything. Clothes, food, room arrangements. They sometimes want a whole new decor theme. I am happy to help and guide their choices. They usually have freedom to do what they want to their bodies and their space. Being a military family, we always rented our homes, but now we own our first home, and it’s so much fun!

They complete their homeschool work much more independently. I’m seeing the transition from the grammar phase to dialectic phase in our homeschool curriculum around this age and it’s so exciting! Sometimes, they ask what else they can do or how they can help.

They desire more privacy and alone time, which can be difficult in a household of six people. We do our best.

They can cook simple meals for themselves and the family. I love waking up to treats! I love having cake almost every week!

They’re making more abstract connections and asking really good questions about complex concepts. It challenges me and my thinking and often I don’t have a good enough answer. It can be frustrating, scary, and exhilarating all at once.

I try to be respectful of my growing kids with their development, but occasionally I forget what I felt like at their age or I don’t understand what they’re thinking or feeling.

I ask a lot of questions. I watch the Tik Tok videos and Instagram memes my girls send me. We talk, discuss, and learn and relearn each other. It’s a process, a journey. I am privileged and blessed to travel this life with my children.

The Waldorf curriculum is so incredible because it is so responsive to student development. I believe all children should have access to an education that respects their development and inspires their soul. I wish I had discovered it many years ago when we began homeschooling. I try to incorporate aspects of it in our learning rhythms.

The time has come when I scan the baseball field and can’t recognize my own son among the boys. He has grown and changed so much so fast that I have to squint and look a few times before I’m sure.

He still snuggles up at bedtime for a story.

I love that he still holds my hand on our evening walks.

Ten year olds really love their family and family life.  They love to play in their neighborhood, if they live in a neighborhood, and sometimes even get along with their siblings (sometimes not!). They tend to respect their teacher and work hard in school. They tend to be more happy than they were at nine, and ten is typically an age of harmony.

The Parenting Passageway

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Thirteen

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All three of my girls are now over twelve years old.

I feel poignant about this. I should feel happy to get over that hump, I guess.

My girls are getting much more independent, doing their own things. I encourage them to own themselves, speaking up, and managing their own appointments, activities, time.

Watching them walk away with my heart is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. Keeping a smile on my face so they don’t see my anxiety is about to kill me.

My daughters are 19, 14, and 13.

My son is just now ten, but it seems different.

Having teen girls isn’t all the bad that society and the media portray it to be.

Parenting teens doesn’t have to break us.

I really love seeing my girls grow and mature. It’s fascinating to see their minds change as their bodies also develop. Two of my daughters are bigger than I am and they almost cradle me now as I once cradled their small childish forms. But they can also hip check me in a moment so I love how gracious and sweet they are.

I remember how awkward I was at age thirteen, lanky and uncomfortable in my skin, unsure of my thoughts, struggling to fit in with kids at school, wondering who I should be and what values I should have.

I love how much more capable and confident my daughters are than I was at their age.

When my kids were very little, they were highly active and energetic. My girls went through the typical awkward stage when the were like young colts learning how to canter gracefully. Gymnastics and sports help with getting through these awkward times. They’re pretty aware of their bodies and the space they take up and I encourage my girls to expand themselves instead of shrinking as our society and the church culture seem to require. I want them to regain their confidence they seemed to have misplaced the last few years.

I read a lot of child development, cognitive psychology, and education material. I’m not an expert, but I am fascinated in learning about these topics and how I can best teach and parent my four kids.

I often use the analogy with my family that adolescent brains change from a child caterpillar brain to confused mush like a chrysalis, then to the more mature butterfly young adult brain by the time they’re 25.

Changes I’m Noticing in my Teens

Attention spans

It’s great that I can hold my girls’ attention for longer than ten minutes. I can give multi-step instructions and usually expect them to be followed and completed. Their memories are getting better. I see them focus on activities for longer periods of time, often completing projects before getting distracted or moving on to something else. I love they have the ability to train their minds by staying at home. We work, work, work, on brain health and executive function so they can do their best.

Making connections

We’re in our last 4-year cycle of history in our homeschool, beginning the rhetoric phase. Witnessing the connections and abstract thinking in my girls just brings me the greatest joy as a mother and teacher. They can think critically younger and better than I could when I was in college! I love their hard questions that we research and work through together.

Awareness of current events

I enjoy having the hard conversations with my kids and hearing what they think of what’s happening in our city, state, country, and the world. I have to be careful not to overwhelm my younger kids with the horrors of our world and continue to focus on hope and love and reconciliation. They’re starting to ask what they can do to help make our world a better place. We recycle, compost, reduce, reuse. We try with our baby steps to ease our consciences any way we can. Every little bit counts.

Expansion of strengths

After years of exposing and strewing and providing so many opportunities and experiences for my kids, they’re starting to narrow down what they’re interested in, focusing more on what they love, looking at ways to turn their passions into careers. I love seeing them grow and teach themselves. We start out generalizing their education and seeing them begin to specialize is so fun.

Ability to take criticism

My kids are so much healthier than I ever was (and still am) about constructive criticism. I try to scaffold and prime my kids when I think a situation or experience might be difficult or stressful or just very new. I want them to be aware of what to expect. I can’t always predict what might happen or what people might say or do. I can’t always be there to protect my kids. They’re growing more and more independent. Other adults and kids often aren’t as kind with their words or actions. We discuss the situation afterwards.

Maturity

I love seeing the potential in my kids. I’m getting glimpses of the adults they will soon be. They use nonviolent language (mostly) and solve problems (usually well and without my input) together. We seldom have negative or immature conflicts in our household. They have more emotional intelligence than I ever did. I’m learning so much from my kids about how to be healthy in all relationships.

Around age 12, kids undergo a big change, a crisis, in their development. They are reaching puberty and hormones make physical and mental changes in their bodies. It’s a difficult age and many kids struggle to make this change and reach the other side unscathed. Two of my girls suffer depression and anxiety. I know I sure had trouble for several years from 12-15. There seems little I can do to help my girls overcome or avoid the inner struggle. Perhaps it’s genetic or just their personalities.

Of course, tweens and teens are weebly wobbly and sometimes it seems like one step forward and three steps back.

I love being with my kids all day, every day and learning academics with them and assisting them to explore their interests. I am privileged and blessed to travel this life with my children.

During the first seven years, children work mainly out of imitation, while from ages 7-14, children work out of authority. This is why attachment is so important to develop a trusting relationship with kids.

This is also why many families experience difficulties with teens not listening. They didn’t feel attached or safe or listened to as young children, so they won’t just magically begin when they’re older. They develop their own thoughts, values, opinions, preferences. Many parents feel threatened and triggered by kids who express themselves, question authority, and other natural developmental growth.

I’m seeing my girls begin to try on new personalities and personas like actresses. They’re trying to discover who they are and who they’d like to be, what they’d like to look like. They change their hair and clothes very frequently. I try to keep up. I try to be patient and welcoming. Sometimes, it’s frustrating and since I’m pretty constant and decrepit in my boring 40s, there are bound to be clashes when I don’t realize they’ve already moved on to something new.

The Waldorf curriculum is so incredible because it is so responsive to student development. I believe all children should have access to an education that respects their development and inspires their soul. I wish I had discovered it many years ago when we began homeschooling. I try to incorporate aspects of it in our learning rhythms.

Looking back at my children when they were babies, toddlers, preschoolers, learning to read and ride bikes, it’s easy to see the milestones they reached and achieved.

My girls look like women now and I have to look twice sometimes and my heart hitches as I remember their goofiness when they were small.

Now, my teens are looking more to the future and completing high school, making friends, planning for jobs and college and careers.

I love watching them learn how to fly.

Thirteen year olds are often withdrawn physically and emotionally, can be standoffish, tends to be critical – they are protecting their budding separate thoughts and personality!

The Parenting Passageway

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