Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Preparing Kids for a PCS

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Moving is stressful for anyone, but especially so for children.

PCS is a huge change, whether it’s the first or the fifth.

PCS=Permanent Change of Station, even though it seems temporary – usually only 2-4 years!

According to the DOD, the average military child moves 6 to 9 times between kindergarten and high school graduation.

Military families relocate 10 times more often than civilian families – on average, every 2 to 4 years.

That’s a roller-coaster!

Moving is more stressful than divorce.

Think about that.

Preparing Kids for a PCS

How can we make the moving transition easier on our kids?

Prepare

As soon as you know a PCS is coming up, start preparing the kids for the transition.

Talk about it, explain that you’ll have to pack up everything you own and move to a new home.

Even though it could take a few more months to receive actual orders, it’s important to start the conversation so that kids can prepare their hearts and minds for the changes.

Discuss purging items and having a yard sale. I have a PCS checklist you can download!

Educate

Start reading about moving. Show your child what to expect.

Learn about your new location as soon as you know where you’re going. Research the area, school opportunities, activities, church, day trip ideas.

It’s exciting to move to a new town and explore all it has to offer!

There’s an app from Sesame Street: The Big Moving Adventure, available from iTunes, Amazon, and Google Play. I have a book list at the end of the post for you!

Listen

Pay attention to your kids’ needs. Listen to their complaints and concerns.

Moving is never easy and it might be very difficult for kids to leave their friends, school, activities.

Babies and toddlers have a hard time understanding. Teens might rebel.

Try to handle disappoint well. If you’re upset about where you’re going, the kids will internalize that and have bad feelings about their new locale – and you’re stuck with it for a few years!

Every location has benefits. We’ve PCSed to some places not on our list and we made the best of it.

We also knew people who hated living in Hawaii and Germany, so there’s that.

Prayer does wonders!

Celebrate

Have a farewell party to say goodbyes.

Give your child a job to do during packing out and moving in so they feel like a valuable part of the process.

Do something silly and fun like having a pizza picnic on the empty floor after packing out, or sleeping on an air mattress the last night. You can repeat this on the other end!

Let your child pack a few treasures for comfort during travel.

Try to stay at cool hotels if possible during travel to your new location.

Start out at the new location with new traditions.

Let your child choose something for his or her new room, within reason and budget – new bedding, a paint color for an accent wall, a collectible, a new rug or picture.

Keep in Touch

With today’s technology, it’s easier than ever to keep in touch with friends from around the world.

Make it easy with your children and their friends with social media or free email accounts. There’s Skype and Facetime too.

I know some families who even plan vacations back to visit friends or somewhere in between to meet every year.

Get Help

It’s an added stress to have little ones underfoot during packing out and moving. Enlist a trusted teen or adult friend to help keep little kids occupied in the backyard, with a video in a corner, or even taking them out to get ice cream or to the park. This gives them a break from the tediousness of packing and protects them from getting in the way. Then you get to focus on the task at hand.

Put aside big changes during a move. Don’t potty-train or wean babies during this stressful time. Schedules go out the window.

Get Kids Settled ASAP

Get kids’ rooms back in order as soon as possible to make the transition easier on them. Familiar blankets and toys will help them feel comfortable in a new home.

Then work on the kitchen and common spaces – with the necessary items you need immediately.

Find fun new places to explore and meet new friends! Let your child lead you in her time. We have a couple very social, outgoing kids and two who are more reserved and quiet.

Look at moving as an adventure! Happiness is contagious and the kids will catch that mood if you show it.

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Preparing for a PCS

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We’ve PCSed four times now as a family and are planning for our fifth PCS next summer – back to the States.

We’ve done a partial DITY, two OCONUS moves, and driven across the country. Bonus points for overnight flights with babies and toddlers!

PCS is always stressful, no matter how organized you are.

There are always surprises. There are always snags in the system. There’s always something forgotten or lost.

How to plan for PCS:

Organize

Clean the house.

Organize everything in its place to make the next step easier. Involve everyone in the family. Make it a game.

Straighten the lesser-used areas like the garage, shed, basement, attic, wherever you only visit a couple times a year, so you don’t miss something and have to scramble last minute. I like to put almost everything in plastic storage bins. Most movers check the bins and then just tape them shut for extra protection.

Discuss with your landlord or real estate agent any repairs or updates to the house as soon as possible so there aren’t any last minute surprises.

Inventory

Inventory everything you own.

Make lists. Take pictures or video. Color-code the lists. Inventory DVDs. Inventory books in a spreadsheet with ISBNs. Make note of all jewelry, valuables, and collectibles. Record serial numbers of electronics.

Gather personal records and keep in a binder – birth certificates, SS cards, medical and/or shot records, school forms, insurance policies, warranties, pet documents.

Items lended or borrowed need to be returned and retrieved. Make sure to return all library books!

Make a note of all items that need to be repaired or sold or donated. Then separate it and make sure it gets done.

Consume

Only purchase as much as you need so you can consume items before the move.

We don’t have the storage space to buy in bulk anymore, but we buy even smaller amounts of items so we’re not left with too much and have to throw it out, mail it, or figure out how to pack it.

The goal is to have an empty pantry, fridge, freezer, and bathroom cabinet before the move!

Many movers won’t pack up any liquids, gels, or food items – even if they’re unopened and brand new, especially in summer months when items can melt, explode, or go rancid during the transition.

Reduce

Sell or donate items you no longer need. We had a huge yard sale one year.

We have some almost-new 220 appliances to sell.

We have some German items that most likely won’t work out in an American house.

Anything broken beyond repair should be thrown out.

I’ve listed some organizing and packing suggestions in my other PCS post.

Timeline:

1 year

Most of us know to expect a PCS in a certain season. We know our tours in a location are only so many years.

As soon as possible, begin saving for non-reimbursable moving expenses. Expenses always seem to just pop up on both sides of the move.

Pets are your responsibility and have been our largest expense with vet records, shots, agriculture forms, and plane tickets.

9-6 months

Request or update tourist passports if needed.

Plan vehicle shipments if needed.

Order new credit or bank cards if expiration dates are soon.

Update ID cards if expiration dates are soon.

Discuss the move with children so they can prepare themselves for the transition. Research the new location.

3 months

Discuss that you’re moving with your landlord, and plan for any repairs or updates to ensure you receive your security deposit.

Fill out change of address forms with IRS and USPS.

Check and update auto maintenance. Ensure you have up-to-date car insurance information.

Make vet appointments for pets to ensure microchipping and shots are up to date.

Most OCONUS contracts must be terminated at least 30 days out.

Research education options, procedures, and dates for enrollment for children.

Determine which items are professional, unaccompanied, household goods, and non-temp storage.

Make reservations with TLF or hotels.

1-2 months

The military member should receive hard orders by now.

Request dislocation allowance from finance.

Most CONUS contracts must be terminated at least 30 days out.

Military families can terminate contracts with no penalty with a copy of PCS orders. Cable/satellite TV, Internet, cell phones, utilities need to be cancelled or transferred. Request security deposits!

Cancel or transfer memberships and subscriptions.  Request a letter of transfer from local church and clubs, like Scouts or other national organizations.

Alert or transfer banking information to new location. Let them know you are traveling.

Renew medical prescriptions.

Clean drapes and rugs.

Store needed computer files on CD, disk, thumb drive, or portable hard drive.

Confirm transportation details with movers. Schedule pickup and delivery dates with movers and arrange for storage if needed.

Contact housing at new location for on-base options or begin house hunting online.

2-3 weeks

Separate items and/or label: professional, unaccompanied, household goods, or non-temp storage.

Last few days

Set aside cleaning supplies for after movers clear out.

Remove wall items like pictures, curtain rods, racks.

Have plastic zip bags of all sizes to put smaller items into to make life easier on the other side – silverware, utensils, junk drawer items, craft supplies, bathroom drawer items.

Remove items from attic or crawl space. Yes, it’s a big ole mess.

Disconnect electronics.

Place original boxes beside items.

Label items not to be packed or moved. Put them all together if possible.

Drain garden hoses and all oil/gas from lawn machines.

Get rid of all flammables and return or give away propane tanks.

Pack suitcases and items to carry with you and put aside.

Moving day

Make sure kitchen is clean. Take out the trash!

Remove all laundry from washer and dryer!

Strip beds.

Have pets restrained, with friends or neighbors, or in kennels.

Have snacks and drinks for the movers. We usually have pastries and snacks available with sports drinks and water, and ask what they want for lunch each day.

Have a place clearly labeled for trash items so it’s not packed.

Have colored stickers to label moving boxes. Write labels on boxes for each room.

Communicate! Be available for questions. Don’t hover, but be aware of packers and movers. My husband usually has the big checklist and I’m observing.

Vacuum and clean the house once it’s empty or hire a PCS cleaning.

After the move

Register cars in new location. Update insurance and licenses.

Register children for new schools or file for homeschool exemption.

Find a new home! You typically have 30 days in TLF to find a new residence.

Update all your information with your new address.

You can often request temporary furniture items until HHG arrives.

Register for utilities and TV and/or Internet services.

Schedule delivery of goods with transportation office.

Plan for where furniture and boxes should go. Label doorjambs or lintels with colored stickers to match box stickers. Place sticky notes at each room to match box labels.

Movers should reassemble items and can unpack boxes and remove packing materials. In some places, movers can return to remove packing materials within 30 days.

Find a new place of worship.

Meet new friends!

Some moving expenses can be filed on tax returns!

Get the printable PCS Timeline Checklist!

Resources:

Do you have any PCS tips or stories?

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Real Food Cooking During PCS

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When we PCS, everything gets packed up.

Sometimes, weeks, or even more than a month in advance of our actual move.

Our options are to stay in our current housing situation with air mattresses or borrowed furnishings or move into temporary housing which is like an extended-stay hotel.

It’s never convenient, and we don’t want to eat out or buy junk food.

Real Food Cooking During PCS

So, how do we still cook real food during PCS season?

We get creative.

We simplify.

We make it fun.

Usually, we clear out the refrigerator, freezer, and pantry as much as we can the weeks before a PCS. Then, we pack up the remains of the pantry, fridge, and freezer to eat in our TLF before our final out.

Another handy tip is to bake breads, muffins, cakes, and cookies ahead of time to have on hand before all that cookware is packed. Store the items in the freezer or even a freezer at church or a friend’s until TLF is ready.

We try not to cut too many corners, but obviously, our cookware is packed up and on a boat and we’re ready to travel, so making smoothies or homemade bread aren’t usually an option. The facilities in temporary lodging aren’t ideal – with few amenities for cooking well.

Sometimes, we can borrow essential kitchen items from friends or the Airmen’s Closet until our household goods show up.

Thankfully, most TLF apartments have decent coffee makers, toasters, mixing bowls, measuring cups and spoons, a colander, utensils, and pots and pans.

We usually miss good tongs, clean baking pans with silpats, good knives, and some other items we deem “necessities.” I miss my sourdough and kombucha and options for healthy cooking fats.

I pack my favorite cooking utensil, one or two good knives, tongs, and several spices (like garlic, salt, pepper, Italian herbs) inside a plastic zip bag in my checked luggage. We’ve even packed up melamine plates and bowls before to make life easier.

I don’t even play. I need these things handy with a hungry family.

While staying at TLF or hotels, we often purchase simple and easy to prepare foods at local grocery stores that can be grilled at a nearby park grill hut or a disposable hibachi grill. It’s not much different than what we do when we’re camping. We even eat outside if the weather’s agreeable.

When we have kitchen facilities, we make simple side dishes like rice, pasta, couscous, quinoa, potatoes, steamed veggies, or boil frozen beans. If ovens are available, casseroles are easy for any meal. We just buy disposable aluminum pans. We don’t ordinarily use aluminum for cooking, but it’s ok for occasional use. We simplify and cut corners where it’s not a big deal.

We don’t eat much differently in TLF than at home during summer: grilled meats, veggies either steamed or sauteed, a grain side like cous cous, potatoes, quinoa, rice.

We try to use up everything so there’s no waste.

We’ve even baked chocolate chip cookie bars and quick breads in TLF in disposable aluminum pans.

Picnics are easy and frugal for road trips or easy for lunches at any point during the PCS.

We packed up sandwiches, chips, and juice for our road trip from Utah to Georgia and stopped at rest stops to eat and play.

Picnic Pit Stop

My Top 12 Easy Dinners for PCS or Travel:

  1. Pizza. We love to make our own pizza.
  2. Hamburgers. These are always a favorite!
  3. Casseroles. Turkey Divan and Tuna Casserole are favorites.
  4. Grilled or Roasted Meat and easy sides. We love couscous or quinoa with a marinated meat and a veggie.
  5. Tacos. See our homemade taco seasoning.
  6. Stews. Beef stew and chili are easy stovetop or slow cooker meals.
  7. Roasts. I like to roast a beef chuck or pork loin or whole chicken and have leftovers the next day! I often throw some root veggies alongside.
  8. Slow cooker meals. We love Asian pork ribs and salsa chicken.
  9. Breakfast for dinner. My husband usually is in charge of this.
  10. Sandwiches. This is fun for picnics.
  11. Salads. We like to use leftovers for creative salads. See our fave salads.
  12. Soups. Here are a few of our favorite soups!

We have to make sure we use up leftovers creatively.

It’s stressful not having our kitchenware and having to eat on the run with little planning.

We stay flexible and look forward to learning our way around a new kitchen and organizing it the way we like it.

Do you have any PCS tips?

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PCS While Homeschooling

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I see this question a lot:

What is the bare minimum amount of homeschool material to take when we PCS in the middle of a school year?

PCSing While Homeschooling - What do we bring?

We usually PCS at the end of summer.

We have been left in the lurch a couple times when we didn’t receive our HHG until after all the homeschool group activities and co-op classes began. I never know if things are going to begin in July, August, or September in a new location!

Here is what we did when we PCSed in April, road tripped from Utah to Georgia, then flew to Germany – over a two-month period.

My kids were 4, 7, 8, and 13.

We don’t use a lot of electronics.

We focus on history and literature.

We hadn’t completed our studies yet for the year so we packed much of it up to take with us, especially since we had some long stretches of time in TLF in Utah on the leaving end and in Germany on the coming end.

We want to limit weight and bulk while bringing as much as we can carry!

We certainly wanted to keep up the basics – The Three R’s:

Reading, wRiting, and aRithmetic!

All About Reading in TLF
Notebooking in TLF
notebooking at Grandma's house

The kids each had a large backpack with their school things and personal items likes toys and coloring pages.

I loaded up eBooks on the kids’ (and my) iPad minis with the Kindle app. Our first priority was to get library cards at our new location!

My girls had journals to write down and draw about their experiences as we traveled. I also printed fun pages about the places we saw on our trip. They also packed their Logic of English workbooks.

I packed up the kids’ Singapore math workbooks, which fortunately are very lightweight.

Liz was doing Videotext Algebra, so we did work whenever she could get online to view a lesson. I printed some of the worksheets she needed and then emailed more to my husband to print.

I packed Alex’s All About Reading materials with a tiny dry erase board. It was probably the bulkiest item we brought on the trip, but it was worth it to keep him on schedule.

That little dry erase board came in handy for lessons with all the kids!

We did art projects on the fly!

See our Star Wars Angry Birds.

PaintingAngryBirdsStarWars_thumb.jpg

The girls also packed their science and notebooking journals.

I also brought along worldview study (we’re reviewing it!). That came in handy for read-aloud time to a captive audience in the car!

Another option if you have an address for the location you’re PCSing to, is to have some homeschool items mailed there early so it’s waiting upon your arrival.

What do you do when you PCS or move during the homeschool year?

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Challenges for Military Families Overseas

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While I am very thankful to be so fortunate to live overseas, it’s not always magical and fun.

We are a military family.

These are some challenges to our daily lives.

Were a Military Family-Challenges to Our Daily Lives

Personal freedom

While I was raised in a military family, it’s quite eye-opening to be a military family in a foreign country.

For personal safety, we are advised to remove stickers and emblems from our personal vehicles that could identify us as American.

My husband cannot wear his uniform off base. My daughter cannot wear her Civil Air Patrol uniform off base.

We don’t wear American sports or brand-ID clothing off base either.

We do our best to blend in.

So many Americans live in a bubble of ignorance and arrogance and protection in the big ole US of A, but getting unbiased news reports opens our eyes a bit here.

Postal service

We receive an APO mailbox that is located in my husband’s building. I can mail items through that office at US postal prices to US mailing addresses.

For receiving items, I have two choices:

When I place an online order, I can ship to my APO which is like a US postal address, but there are often long wait times. Items can be expedited for additional shipping charges. Sometimes, a company won’t ship an item to an APO. I have had to cut down my blog reviews for many items won’t ship here in a timely fashion or at all. Some stores often ship the cheapest way, which means on a boat and I could see the item in a couple months, maybe.

I can order locally and have items shipped to my home address. There are not so many items available to order here as in the USA and free shipping is not as common.

Internet and TV

This was the biggest shock to me.

We put our TV in storage rather than ship it with our household goods since it wasn’t something we wanted to pay for here. There are taxes and signal boxes that must be purchases and we don’t watch that mutch TV anyway.

It took 6 months to get Internet connected to our house. While we have the fastest connection of anyone we know, it is DSL and the bandwidth is shared among the neighbors in our village. So, in the evenings, it is rather slow and glitchy.

We use a VPN to connect to Amazon streaming and Netflix so we can watch movies and shows on our computers.

Paying for Stuff

We have US bank accounts that service military families. The clerks we contact with questions or problems don’t seem to understand that the rest of the world utilizes pin and chip cards for payment. Our non-chip check cards are seldom accepted at local stores and hardly ever when we travel, so we have to use ATMs for Euro cash before we leave. We’ve been having trouble using our check cards at the couple of local places that do take them as payment. Our bank tells us the company that issues the check cards have fraud alerts for any credit purchases over $50. We have called and spoken to the bank several times and argued to have the fraud alerts lifted. We have explained we need pin and chip cards. We have explained that we live in Germany and the stores only have machines that run check cards like credit cards. It’s so embarrassing to be at Globus or Real and ring up €130 in groceries to have our card denied. Shopping here can be challenging.

And then there’s the exchange rate that’s 24% higher on-base than off-base. The government justifies this as a convenience charge.

There are a few options for paying local utility bills since we live off-base. We have two banks on-base: Community Bank, run by Bank of America (and a completely different banking entity), and Service Credit Union. There are offices in the KMCC mall and several other convenient locations around the KMC military installations. Many ATMs are easily found on bases too. These banks communicate with local vendors and offer payments in Euro and USD. We opened a Community Bank account to pay rent, utilities, Internet, and cell phones. There is a $1 surcharge+exchange rate fees for online bill pay transactions. Many choose to get a completely local German bank to avoid all the extra fees. This is handy for those fluent in German or married to a local national. I wish we had researched and figured this out before banking with Community Bank.

Electricity

American electrical outlets are 110V. Most European electric outlets are 220V.

While we use transformers for some of our must-have kitchen appliances and adaptors for things like lamps, we have to be very careful with electricity here. It’s more expensive than what we’re used to paying. The electric company charges an average fee each month and then reconciles each year. We owed a lot last year, so we asked for our average to be raised accordingly so we’re not surprised again. We use our dishwasher and washer and dryer every day, often multiple times per day. We hang our clothing to dry, but I do put towels and underwear in the condenser dryer.

We put all of our 110V appliances with timers in storage. We also put our big freezer in storage. I have purchased a few items new or used to make our time here more enjoyable. I figure the amount of use we will get out of a slow cooker and hair dryer for 3-4 years is worth it!

Gasoline

We receive a gasoline or petrol ration each month.

There are several gas stations on the bases near us. They list the price per gallon that is comparable to prices in the US, but it issues gas in liters. We sign for our ration and then we pay in American dollars.

When our van arrived, one of the first things we had to do was register it in the system for our petrol ration. When my husband bought a car, we had to transfer the registration and ration card.

When we travel, we can load the Esso card and use it at Esso stations throughout Germany, as long as it is within our monthly ration.

Kids

Our children mostly adjust well to the military life.

Our teen has the hardest time being flexible. I know it’s hard sometimes. She has less freedom as an ex-pat here in Europe than she would in the States.

While many of her friends in the USA are getting learner’s permits at 15, Liz knows she can’t drive a car in Europe until the age of 18. Since we live (pretty far) off-base, she has to rely on her parents (us) to drive her to activities.

She isn’t able to get a part-time job off-base and almost all the base jobs require applicants to be 18+. She is vying for entry-level experience with military spouses who need the money or are bored or want to work (they can’t get any off-base jobs either).

Most of the volunteer opportunities in the local community are even closed to her since she is a minor. The USO doesn’t accept minors anymore here in our area because of some bad occurrences that happened years ago.

Liz got her Red Cross certification at age 15 so she earns credit for her hospital volunteering.

Too many families want babysitters who are adults and have their own car. And they don’t want to pay. We used to pay $10-15/hour for our 3 girls, but most of the babysitting jobs Liz has done this past year were for $5/hour for 2-4 kids, and some with special needs! Liz is a certified babysitter with the Red Cross – CPR and more, and has lots of experience with special needs kids – autism, deafness, FAS.

Our other kids haven’t had too many problems with military life other than leaving friends when we or they PCS.

We’re here…

I love seeing family and friends post momentous occasions on social media. I laugh and cry with you. I am proud to witness your kids’ growth and family events. But it also makes me a little sad. We miss the church campouts and friendly BBQs. My husband misses fishing with his friends. My kids miss playing in the yard.

Holidays are hard.

It’s hard feeling isolated and alone sometimes.

Some other posts you might like:

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Outsider

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As  a military wife, there are certain…duties…that I must undertake to assist my husband in his career goals. Once such duty is that I attend functions with other mil wives. I seldom enjoy them. These meetings are certainly sacrifices I make for him and his career. He understands the anxiety that these events cause in my heart and he appreciates that I do these things {mostly} willingly because I love him.

In the beginning, I tried really hard to fit in and do the right things and be the right kind of military wife.

I had a mentor who became a dear friend and I learned a great deal from her about these events. She helped put me at ease.

So, at her prompting and my husband’s hints, I joined the Officers’ Spouses’ Club and even became a board member. I really tried to say and look and do all the right things.

31DaysofDyingtoSelf.jpg

Attempt #1:

Most of the officers’ wives were just mean girls. It was like middle school all over again. We were isolated on an island and had to rely on each other whether we wanted to or not. Most wives didn’t work outside the home. Their kids were all in school during the day. Since I was a homeschool mom with three very little ones, I missed many meetings or had to get a babysitter. It grieved my heart to do this and I felt so selfish.

I learned quickly just to not say much. I didn’t have to talk since most of the wives’ favorite pursuits were Bunco and drinking. I could be invisible. And observant.

There came a time when I could no longer sit back and listen and watch silently.  I was only in charge of the newsletter, website, and publicity. Many of the wives whose husbands had higher rank relished telling us younger wives what to do and how to do it. I even got called out for some of the ads I placed in the newsletter. The finances for the OSC were facing discipline for mismanaging funds and the honorary member (a general’s wife) and one of the advisors (a colonel’s wife) tried to threaten board members to cover it up.

I was so DONE. I am not one who can stand to be manipulated. This was not an organization in which I wanted to participate. I sent a very formal, well thought-out, and neutral resignation email citing exactly what I felt was wrong and why. I got an ugly response from an advisor. She felt my email was a personal attack on her. She replied “to all” in her email and she was rather inappropriate. That was her mistake and she eventually apologized to me. But the damage was done. I was blackballed by many members of the OSC.

In a way, this freed me to be more myself. I don’t think it hurt my husband in any way since most of those wives’ husbands didn’t work directly with mine. And I still had a few friends on my side.

Attempt #2:

A different base. A new group of officers’ wives. Different everything. My husband deployed for almost seven months. I became a key spouse because it made my husband look good. The monthly meetings and quarterly trainings just about killed me. I didn’t feel like I did a very good job since no one was really interested in even talking to me. Most of the enlisted spouses wouldn’t communicate with an officer’s wife. I felt I neglected my kids since I had to get a babysitter when I went to the functions.

I joined the OSC on the prompting of the group commander’s wife. Kinda hard to say no. It wasn’t really a request. And I just hate the whole pay-50-bucks to join a group that feels like a sorority (and no offense to you sorority girls, but it’s not my thing). I attempted to attend the weekly mommy play group and monthly preschool field trips. Again, I did not fit in. These mommies were just itching for the day they could send their kids to a school, any school, for all day long so they could play. (I am not judging moms who send their kids to school, but these moms weren’t kind about my choice to home educate.) They did not appreciate that I am with my four kids all day, every day, and I enjoy it. I chose this! I couldn’t take the judging comments disguised as polite questions about my kids’ welfare. If my kids had enjoyed the play groups, then I would’ve suffered silently, but they didn’t really like the other kids. So I quit going.

I wasn’t missed.

I didn’t renew my membership.

Now, we have a new base. More new commanders. New wives. Another attempt?

Not gonna happen.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of trying to fit in. I’m tired of being on the outside looking in.

Do you ever feel like you don’t fit in?

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Military Kids are Third Culture Kids

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We’re a third culture family.

Our lifestyle is vastly different than the way my husband and I grew up, and certainly different from that of our parents, except my dad’s life as a Navy brat.

My dad doesn’t have too many fond memories of growing up and I’m realizing my gregarious eldest daughter doesn’t enjoy moving around so much either.

We didn’t realize how different our lifestyles had become until I read this book, Third Culture Kids, and started evaluating our transitions since getting married and having a family.

Having grown up in Georgia, and living there for 29 years, my life was pretty stable, as was Liz’s for her first four years (not taking into account all that bustling back and forth to her birth father’s house every two weeks and alternate holidays).

Since then, our life has been a whirlwind of moving all over every few years. My kids’ lives are vastly different than many of their peers’ and even within the homeschool, Christian, military communities, we seem to be the oddballs.

Third Culture Kids

Our family’s most major life events (and stressors):

  1. Aaron and I got married in January 2005.
  2. We moved to San Antonio, in summer 2005.
  3. We were blessed by Victoria’s and Katherine’s arrival. We were a minority there, and our blonde babies were fascinating for many of the Latinos who were in our homeschool groups.
  4. Both Aaron’s parents passed away within a year. It’s been so hard.
  5. We moved to Hawaii, in 2007.
  6. We were blessed by our baby boy, Alexander, joining our family. Again, we were a minority, and my blonde, blue-eyed babies were petted and doted on by many of the Asians and Hawaiians we knew.
  7. We moved to Salt Lake City, Utah, in 2010. There, we were in a religious minority, not being LDS. It was difficult and we didn’t make many friends among homeschoolers or neighbors. We did find an amazing church family. We kinda miss it.
  8. And we recently moved to Germany in summer 2014. Of course, there’s a language and cultural barrier. We’re learning all sorts of new things to cope with living here. So far, we love it! In some ways, we stand out (like when I drive my very American Dodge Caravan), but in other ways, we fit in ok.

As a military family, we must learn to weather the transitions and fit in quickly.

We have different defense mechanisms than other people. We know we don’t have years to make deep friendships. We don’t have houses or backyards with fun building and creative projects that will last for generations.

We have to make memories and can’t be attached to things.

I love how Timothy Keller put it in The Prodigal God: “There seems to be a sense, then, in which we all are like the younger brother. We are all exiles, always longing for home. We are always traveling, never arriving. The houses and families we actually inhabit are only inns along the way, but they aren’t home. Home continues to evade us.”

If this concept is difficult for me sometimes, I know it’s hard on the kids!

To make transitions easier, I try to do something special for the kids to look forward to and help them adjust as quickly as possible.

We try to keep up with the local homeschool scene. We never seem to quite fit in. But I know the kids need playtime with other kids. So I take them to the group field trips and park or gym days. I usually sit in a corner, alone, playing on my phone or reading while the other moms ignore me and chat amongst themselves. They all go to the same Baptist church, so there’s that.

This PCS, I bought the three younger kids new bedding before we left the States {yay for planning ahead!} – (and we bought Alex a whole new big-boy loft bed as soon as we arrived in Germany!).

Alex’s bedding is Monster Trucks, and the comforter is on the floor. Of course. I found it at Target before we moved.

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Tori and Kate were so excited when we unpacked and they were anxious to get their beds made, all pretty and new.

I found their bedding at Bed, Bath, and Beyond before we moved.

It’s perfect and my girls’ favorite colors – teal and green.

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For my teen, Elizabeth, we got her connected right away with the Civil Air Patrol squadron here. (If you have a child interested, message me for her CAP # so she gets recruiter credit!)

They were super impressed that she packed all her uniforms and books. She had an FTX after we packed out, so she didn’t have much choice. She’s showing her true colors as a natural leader, promoting in rank and being a flight NCO. She’s looking forward to her second encampment.

We also had Liz check out the chapel youth activities while we stayed in TLF, but since we moved into our house, it hasn’t been convenient to drive her on base right at dinnertime on Tuesday evenings.

She’s loving the local community drama team and will perform in the play KinderTransport!

I realize the importance of keeping my social butterfly connected with positive social outlets.

As a family, we started attended the traditional church service at the base chapel. Our first Sunday, we started walking there (it was on the other side of base!) and we got offered a ride by a chaplain who saw us. That’s real Christian living, folks.

So far, the service is just ok and we understand that summer is the transition time for most military, so we await a new chaplain to see if we like the services more. Not sure what to do if we don’t…there’s always the liturgical service at 0900, if we can get up and get there.

There aren’t too many choices for English-speaking church services around here. Lots of Baptist, Pentecostal, and non-denominational churches that don’t appeal to us one bit (no offense to those of you who attend those kinds of churches, but to each his own). One Lutheran and one PCA. We haven’t been super successful maintaining a consistent church experience. Living all over makes it especially difficult for fringe denominations and non-Christians.

Church “shopping” is no fun at all.

I am so thankful that my kids get to grow up living, learning, and knowing different cities, states, countries, and cultures.

We are so blessed with getting to live in many different places and being able to travel and have so many unique experiences.

I look forward to seeing the adults my children grow up to be.

The world is a much smaller place for them than it was for me as a kid and young adult.

Nowhere is our home when everywhere is.

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Stress in the Military

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We’re often a minority in our community since we are a military family. Many people we know don’t understand our lifestyle, our benefits, the occasional drawbacks, the stress.

How to handle the stress of military life when no one seems to understand…and suggestions to help a military family.

This is all that matters. This makes it all worth it. We count it all a privilege.

As a military daughter, at least I knew what I was getting into when I married my husband. My grandfather was retired Navy and my dad is retired Army (hooah!), and I’ve never known a time I couldn’t pass the gates of a military installation or shop at a BX/PX or commissary. Service members in uniform are normal for me. Acronyms were regular vocabulary in my house when I was growing up. It was a normal lifestyle for me. Vacations centered around visiting battlefields and history museums. I don’t regret any of it.

My husband is a lab officer in the Air Force. It’s not much different for me than when I grew up with my dad being a Chief Warrant Officer in the Army. Being an officer’s wife has its ups and downs. I think too many wives wear their husband’s rank. They think they deserve the same privileges their husbands earned. So sad. I’ve had to separate myself a lot from base life and focus on my family. Perhaps at some point, I can feel it’s appropriate to participate in spouse groups or PWOC, but it’s not a priority right now.

There’s a lot of stress in military life.

Some don’t realize the strict (and often arbitrary) weight and physical fitness requirements in the military. My father was forced into early retirement over it. Both my dad and my husband are big guys. The military doesn’t take into account body type. A skinny ectomorph has the same standards to meet as a stocky endomorph. My husband stresses over the PT tests…diet and exercise haven’t always come naturally to him. Recently, he changed his lifestyle to embrace Whole30 and he lost 30 pounds in a couple months! He goes to the gym at least four mornings a week, so he’s in bed by 9 PM. We’re continuing as a family to embrace a whole and clean foods diet and we use essential oils for health and well-being. We’re on no medications at all anymore! Aaron still stresses over excelling in his run, sit-ups, and push-ups, but it’s easier now. And he looks so much better and more professional in his uniform now. I’m so proud of him!

Of course, there’s the whole issue of moving around. We PCS or move to a different base every 2-4 years. We’ve gotten the feeling that some folks don’t want to make an effort to be friends since they know we’ll leave in a while. Moving is a hard time on the kids and cats especially. The packers come and the movers take our stuff. We travel to our new location and wait for our stuff. We cite a claim for the broken or missing items. We’re anxious about our move next year, not knowing where we might go and knowing we will miss our friends here so terribly much. We’ve never felt so much a part of community as we have in our current location. We could come back here for sure! Each location is an adventure. We trust God for all the details.

We’ve been lucky in that my husband has only experienced one deployment in his career so far. He served in Afghanistan two years ago. As a medical officer, he saw some horrible things, but he was probably safer in the hospital than most out in the field. We are proud to help our world be a safer place in this way. We gladly sacrifice our comforts and time together to help others have a home where they can feel safe too

The kids did surprisingly well during the seven long months of having Daddy away on the other side of the world. We at least got to email and Skype frequently. We sent occasional care packages with the items he requested – peanut butter, hot sauce, spices, and a few toiletries. Tori had the hardest time and didn’t want to go to bed. Often, it was easier to let her sleep with me than fight it. There was the constant worry hanging in the air and I did my best to comfort, pray with each child, encourage, distract. The kids were granted pillows with Dad’s picture from an organization on base. They slept with it at night. It was a cold comfort.

The hardest part of deployment for me was that, because we homeschool, I had no break from the house or kids – for seven months, seven days a week. The few people who offered to help didn’t really ask me what I needed, but offered to shovel my snowy driveway, or wanted to come to my house and watch my kids so I could go out (and I had nowhere to go). I would have preferred they offer to take my kids to the park for an hour or out for ice cream so they had a break from me.

Liz was a strong big sister who helped me so much when I was tired or overwhelmed.

Some people say they don’t know how I do it. They say they couldn’t. I say: it’s our life. We chose this. We live it. It’s everyday for us. We’re thankful. We’re grateful for the opportunities our family experiences. It makes us stronger. It shows us we need God, to rely on Him for our strength in times of stress.

We get to teach our kids a greater respect for our country and to pray for our leaders, our government, our military, others around the world…it is our honor and privilege.

My house is moving more and more toward a state of absolute chaos.

It takes extra effort to handle stress during a military move.

We move out of the country next month. My husband works for the United States Air Force and we get to PCS (Permanent Change of Station) again. We’re all both excited and nervous to be moving to a foreign country.

My canisters that held flour, sugar, and cornmeal are washed and sitting on my kitchen desk, amidst art supplies and empty canning jars. One side of our garage is being used to store items for our garage sale next week. Our music room holds stacks of books, china, and keepsakes that we’re putting into storage. The playroom is no more as the toys are delegated to bedrooms for packing.

Our schoolroom has a pile for our yard sale and a pile for storage. I struggle to reign in the children as they scatter items and confuse my piles! My desk is a mess – with papers, books, reviews, and checklists that must be completed by this date or that.

I dread going through the cellar and sorting holiday items and my husband’s military stuff.

My son is most upset by the schedule disruptions, selling our truck, organizing, preparation for our yard sale, and all the various preparations we make every time we move. He was only a couple months old last time, so he has nothing to base this on. He doesn’t know what moving is. He cries that he simply cannot part with this boardbook or that toy.

I’m trying to homeschool as much as I can to keep a sense of normality to our schedules. The girls are finishing up curriculum.

I’m just. so. tired – ready to be done with the whole process this year. Ready for change. Ready to fast-forward and have all the stress done and be in Germany, ready to begin a new life.

Every few years, we start over.

New base, new town, new church, new schedule, new rhythm. While it’s very exciting, it can be a little disconcerting for introverts. It takes me longer than some to get comfortable, to grow to know people well. I joke with my husband that by the end of a tour, I’m finally reaching a comfort zone and then we’re wrenched away before it’s actually within my grasp.

Isn’t God like that? He seems to like to keep us out of our comfort zones. He wants us to fully depend on Him.

We’ve learned so much about what it is to fully rely on God during our moves all over the country and now out of the USA.

This time, we’ve actively prayed as a family for our PCS process from the very beginning this year, from little bitty things to the bigger things. God cares about it all! So far, it’s gone amazingly smoothly and it’s drawn us closer to each other and to God. All the people who process our information and paperwork have been kind and helpful. Dates work out well. Travel plans are convenient.

But there’s still stress. I feel so much is out of my control and it pains me. I try to maintain our meal plans, especially with clearing the freezer and pantry! I use essential oils to stay balanced. We take supplements and exercise to help us stay healthy and it helps when life’s ups and downs cause excess stress.

I can reduce clutter. Stress is still there if I don’t pray through this transition.

I know God is in control.

Evenings are spent discussing Germany, learning the language on apps, and imagining all the yummy food we’ll try and fun places we’ll see.

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10 Gifts for a Military Family

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What can you give military families?

10 Gifts for a Military Family

We were lucky that when my husband deployed the first time, it was after Christmas.

Not so lucky that he left on our anniversary, but oh, well.

And he returned before the next Christmas.

The second deployment, he left in early fall and return in spring.

We miss celebrating holidays and other fun events.

Major.jpg

You can give the gift of time or service for a military family, deployed situation or not.

We often don’t need more things and we often won’t ask for help, even when we need it most. We’re used to fending for ourselves and caring for our own. And pretending everything’s ok.

This list is great year-round, for military families with a deployed member or not.

10 Gifts for the Military Family:

  1. Yard care. If you live in a climate with winter, you can shovel or snow-blow their driveway and sidewalks. It will be much appreciated. Trust me. Mow the lawn. Help with yardwork. Lots of youth groups or scout troops need community service. This is a great way to show support.
  2. Caffeine. Drop by with coffee, tea, or hot chocolate. Or gift cards to a local coffeeshop that has a drivethru. Especially on cold, dark, rainy, or snowy days.
  3. Visit. Stop by unannounced – maybe with donuts or fresh bread and clean the kitchen. Bring wine! Some friends from church did that for me on my birthday when my husband was deployed. I was elated. It was such a beautiful thing.
  4. Take the kids. Treat my kids to ice cream. Or to a park. Or to a museum. Or a movie. Out. Somewhere. Anywhere. Give this mom a break for an hour or two. As a homeschool mom with four kids and a deployed husband, I need a break, people.
  5. Encourage self-care. Take the kids for an evening (or weekend) so the couple can have a date night. If the military member is deployed, offer to watch the kids for an hour, an afternoon, or an evening to help out. Often, military couples have a hard time finding child care so they just don’t ever go out. Not cool. We need that adult couple time. A couple from church once took our four kids all weekend long so we could go away (only about an hour away, but still!). It’s only the second time we’ve done that throughout our whole marriage!
  6. Vehicle care. Get our vehicle serviced or detailed. Seriously. This is something a friend of mine received when her husband was deployed and I thought it was the greatest thing ever! I never think of it until the dashboard lights come on. I don’t know how to check my tire pressure, y’all. And then there’s trouble and usually lots of expense involved!
  7. Hospitality. Invite the family over for a meal, dessert, drinks, a music event, a holiday lights display. Something. Include them. We’re often far from home and family and feel isolated and excluded. And we’d love to learn new traditions and celebrate with you. We may decline for some reason, but we will feel loved.
  8. Carpooling. If you know the kids have music lessons, dance, gymnastics, art, sports, church activities, whatever…offer to help out, especially if there are babies or toddlers or preschoolers in the household. I am so stressed juggling my four kids and their activities when my husband is deployed. Sometimes, I would skip something to let the baby finish a nap. It was just easier.
  9. Anticipate needs. Bring grocery necessities by or call if you’re at the store to see if they need anything. It’s so frustrating to run out of milk or eggs or realize you’re missing an ingredient for a recipe and have to drop everything to run to the store. But to drag four kids out in a blizzard with no help and not being able to call, “Honey, can you pick up ____ on the way home?” Depressing. And I went to three stores yesterday to stock up on everything and still forgot the effing milk.
  10. Appointments. If they have medical or vet appointments, ask if you can help. Most vets and doctors prefer children not to be in attendance so there’s no distraction, so offer to watch the kids during appointments. Many moms don’t get check-ups since it’s so stressful. Help her maintain her health!

Ask. Offer. Be sincere.

We often say we’re just fine when we’re really hanging onto sanity by a fine thread.

You can offer to walk the dogs. Or just come over for a chat. Bring a bottle of wine or beer over after the kids’ bedtime. Email or call for some encouragement. Send a note or flowers that you’re thinking about her.

If something breaks in the house or car and she’s used to relying on her husband to fix it, help her find someone to do the job – for free or really cheap! We don’t have a network since we move around so frequently.

Be someone they can call if they need help. Be a listener. Be a doer.

Our neighbors helped to clear everything out of our basement when it flooded on a holiday morning and my husband was deployed the first time. (Thank God for my amazing neighbors. Bless those people!)

Be available. Be a friend.

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Apps for WAHMs

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Some friends recently bought their first iPad and I was helping her choose the best apps.

There are some very useful and helpful apps for moms!

We warn our teens away from these apps.

Apps for WAHMs

Here are some favorite tools I recommend for blogging and social media.

BlogTouch for Blogger is helpful. I’m sure other platforms have similar apps.

Google Drive and Microsoft 365 are helpful.

I love the Notes app. Wunderlist is like a super version. I used to use Evernote. My kids still like Notability.

I recommend Taxbot and TurboTax.

We also love Square Register if you need physical payment from clients. Of course, the online pay apps are necessary for most of us – CashApp, Venmo, Paypal, etc.

Most banks have their own apps. Ours do, and it’s great when we move every 2-4 years to have that info at our fingertips!

Just discovered Cozi Family Organizer! Google calendar has been wonky for us. Another recommendation: Intuition: Mom’s Personal Assistant. Pomodoro for time keeping.

I love these shopping apps to save money!

What are your favorite apps?

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