I Long for More

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July 13, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I feel poignant on my evening walk, as I scan the dusky sky for the little brown bats skimming over the pond for bugs. The birds watch me warily as I approach on the turns of the path and flit away to a safer distance at just the last moment.

Fifteen years of being invisible.

Fifteen years of being a military wife.

Fifteen years of being a homeschool mom.

We never had the luxury of family nearby.

We celebrated milestones and holidays long distance – fewer and fewer as the years and miles rolled by and communication lagged and fizzled to nonexistent.

We never had any friends for long since we were transient.

I feel disposable.

Unfriended on social media the moment our van was out of sight towards another life at another military base.

It hurts the same way it hurt to be made fun of in middle school. The way my old neighborhood friends moved on as they found better, cooler friends in their own classes at school and ignored me in the hallways and after school. I learned to just stay inside.

I would cry (I mean sob uncontrollably in a ball on the floor) in my room and ask God why no one liked me, why no one wanted to play with me.

I’m still that lonely seventh grade girl inside my mind.

I never seemed to fit in.

My school acquaintances from high school and college would prick me like a needle with their flippant comments of how I would find people like me someday. I hate being dismissed like that.

It is someday, so where are they?

Some people never grow out of the patterns they learned when they were young. Some people never mature. They continue to throw away people as soon as they are no longer wanted or needed. I’m not important. I’m out of sight and out of mind. No one keeps in touch. I realize I was never desired as a friend. My kids played with their kids or my husband went fishing with their husbands. I was superfluous. They tolerated me because I cooked well as I took their abuse, laughed at their inappropriate jokes, overlooked their snubs. I had nothing in common with them other than proximity.

When was the last time you felt it—your own longing, that is? Your longing for love, your longing for God, your longing to live your life as it is meant to be lived in God? When was the last time you felt a longing for healing and fundamental change groaning within you?
Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

I’m tired of continuous stepping stones to somewhere else, someone else. I want to rest in a lasting friendship.

No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest.
John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

We’ve left churches due to vanilla practices and even outright hatred and exclusion. That greatly narrows our opportunities to make and keep friends.

I continue to seek opportunities for socializing at homeschool events.

So many homeschool families have no qualms spouting off hatred and exclusion – about their worship of Trump and his policies and their intolerance for anyone not white, straight, conservative, evangelical Christian. They live in a bubble.

There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.
John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

I bite my tongue and just listen and cringe so my kids can play with some other kids for an hour. I realize we’re never really welcome. I inwardly cry. It hurts.

I never would have imagined I would be so utterly alone at this age.

I keep forging my path and backtracking and learning and changing and improving and seeking, searching, longing.

I learn the flora and fauna of all the new places we moved to – where the deer congregate at dusk, which birds sing at dawn. I’m giddy when I see a heron. I name the raccoons and squirrels. I bark back to the woodpeckers as they cock their heads to see me better. I anticipate the flowers blooming in spring and relish in the surprise of new colors, patterns, patches. I learn the weather patterns, only to realize it’s different every year. I watch for hummingbirds when the temperature gets warm enough and I mourn their progress south in autumn. I always have a favorite critter that comes to my backyard feeders and I worry about her when she doesn’t appear for a few nights.

My family calls me Snow White. But these animals are more my friends than people could ever be. I feel most at home in nature.

It seems we might finally settle down and stay for a while or ten years or whatever.

It’s scary after being a nomad for so long to realize we own a house and develop a community and be a part of something. But where do I begin?

I asked honestly in a social justice online group: how do I find like-minded families? Their only answer was to move. We literally just bought our house. And that’s not an answer. I’ve lived all over and it was next to impossible for me to find anyone I could share my heart with.

Being quarantined is both a curse and a blessing. Yes, I realize our privilege not being affected financially.

My introvert lifestyle hasn’t changed much. I seldom went out before, but now that I know I can’t, it hits different. Sometimes I forget that I only go to the grocery store. We don’t go to parks now that they’ve reopened since they’re too crowded. We certainly don’t go to restaurants, not even to order takeout. Too many restaurant staff are being exposed and coming down with the virus. It’s so scary. We wear masks whenever we leave the house for appointments.

I realize I am on a journey. I try to relish in my solitude. I learn, research, reflect, improve.

Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.
John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

It hurts me to see my kids miss their sports, friends, activities. It hurts me to get excited for summer and all the things we can’t do. I worry about autumn and the future.

It hurts me that I am a poor role model for my kids because I don’t have any friends. I have no one to turn to in an emergency. I have no one to list on forms that require an emergency contact.

I don’t know how to help my kids make friends when I don’t have any.

I long for more. I long for better.

May the Lord hear my heart’s cry.

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Making a House a Home

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June 15, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 16 Comments

We bought a house!

The dream of a house can be the eternally postponed preliminary step to taking up the lives we wish we were living…If you lived in your heart, you’d be home right now.
Rebecca Solnit

We’ve rented this house for almost three years. I’m tired of paying high rent when we could be earning equity.

Aaron has about a year and a half until retirement from the Air Force.

We’re settling down in Dayton, Ohio.

Having always rented a house made us feel like we never had a home. We often wanted to do updates or improvements, but we didn’t want to sink a lot of money into a rental and landlords are often weird.

When we moved in, our son asked us if this was our forever home. He was tired of moving. We all were and are. We didn’t know then that we would be able to purchase this house and stay here.

The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.
Maya Angelou, All God’s Children Need Traveling Shoes

I lived in the same house for my first sixteen years. We moved to another house until I moved out. My parents now live in a house that will never be my home. I have no memories there.

My husband grew up in the same town – in two houses – where he lived all his youth and young adult life. His sisters still live there. His middle sister still lives in the house where they all grew up.

It’s hard looking back at all the houses I’ve lived in, all the houses our family has lived in during our military moves. I often get confused when I am sleepy or sick, my memories getting befuddled in all the hallways and rooms in my mind.

Home is that youthful region where a child is the only real living inhabitant. Parents, siblings, and neighbors, are mysterious apparitions, who come, go, and do strange unfathomable things in and around the child, the region’s only enfranchised citizen.
Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

I can finally throw out all the boxes I’ve saved over the years since we had to pack some items in their original boxes for the movers to ship them, like our flat screen TV.

I love getting rid of the clutter! I don’t have to save anything “just in case” we might need it at our next destination.

I only have to keep things I find beautiful, special, nostalgic.

I can paint walls, update the garden, remove and replace fixtures. I can do anything I want!

At a crossroad, a kind soul asked aloud,
“Which way shall I turn? Which way is best?”
Quietly the Universe responded,
“Go until it feels like home.”
Adrian Michael

How I’m Decorating Our First Home

Entry Way

We usually enter our home through the garage.

We have some hooks for bags, hats, and jackets.

We can go straight through another door to the backyard. I have a shoe rack there blocking the seldom used door and I don’t like it, but it’s what it is for now.

We have a large pantry where we store seldom used and bulky kitchen appliances.

The coolest thing is there is a laundry chute from my closet to that pantry and I can scoot the clothes into the laundry room!

Laundry Room

I love having a large laundry room with lots of storage.

I have room for my chest freezer at the end of the counter. We store our baking molds, raclette, fondue, ice cream maker, and slicer on the shelf above the counter.

We often use it as a mud room since it’s right by the doors to the backyard and garage.

I have a huge pantry on the right and a big sink.

There are wire shelves over the washer and dryer and I would like to replace those with cabinets and solid shelves.

We may replace the tile floor. It seems like it needs regrouting or something.

Kitchen

All the flooring on our main level was updated with Pergo wood grain and it’s nice.

The cabinets were painted a weird textured grey and we plan to update those by painting the lower cabinets black and upper cabinets white. It should brighten the room immensely.

I love the granite countertops.

The stainless GE appliances are the best I’ve ever had.

On the right side is our fridge and coffee nook with the pantry we redid when we first moved in.

Breakfast Nook

I love my bay windows and mini jungle in our breakfast nook.

I scored this table and chairs in Utah over ten years ago- at two different yard sales – for a total of $30!

I loathe the little chandelier and will replace it soon with something less ostentatious.

Dining Room

The china cabinet and dishes belonged to Aaron’s grandma.

We all eat dinner together here almost every evening.

Fridays, we have homemade pizza in the basement with a movie on our TV.

Powder Bathroom

Could you believe we lived here almost three years and suffered with these light fixtures being upside down? And I would hit my head when I washed my hands!

We plan to get a better mirror, repaint, and maybe wallpaper an accent wall, buy a small cabinet vanity in place of the tiny pedestal sink and perhaps a shelf or cabinet over the commode. New rugs too.

Living Room

We have six people in our family, so all the cutesy seating arrangements for four I see on design sites aren’t right for us.

I bought a new sofa and loveseat last year. I love the sleek design. I chose the La-Z-Boy Dixie Sofa and Loveseat in Mocha.

The pink gooseneck rocker belonged to my grandma. My parents bought me the Harbor Town recliner last year.

I’m getting a new rug soon. I already have the smaller one by our sliding door to the deck and a runner and little rug at the front door.

It looks a little crowded, but it’s working for now.

Hearth

I love having a brick hearth and mantel.

We have shells from our travels and some fun collected items. I love candles and lanterns.

Reading Nook

We have this weird landing at the top of the stairs that seems like wasted space to me.

Other homes with our similar floor plan have four bedrooms upstairs, but we have only three. Our middle girls have always shared a bedroom.

Thanks to everyone who helped me create this space!

Aaron’s grandma’s chair with the kids’ bookshelf.

Photos of our parents and grandparents watch over the kids.

I plan to get some tall houseplants since it’s pretty bright from our foyer windows.

I just added a floor lamp too.

Bedroom

We have a tall vaulted ceiling that I have no real ideas what to do with. Maybe a center beam?

We plan to paint the walls a pale grey and perhaps get some crown molding.

I ordered some navy and beige paneled drapes to match our new bedding (from Target).

We finally got a new mattress set – after twenty years!

I’m still in love with my bedroom furniture and I couldn’t find any better. No need to update it when it works great.

Not in love with my crooked wedding pics over the bed. We have so much wall space and I have few ideas.

Kids’ Rooms

My middle girls share a room with bunk beds with one window overlooking the backyard. They hate it, but it’s the way it is. They share the hall bathroom that has two sinks.

My son has the other upstairs bedroom with two front windows and ceiling fan. We gave him that room because they bunks wouldn’t fit any which way and the fan would have been dangerous for the top bunk. He uses my bathroom but we may have to reevaluate this soon.

Basement

We love having a finished basement.

I like having the TV and video games tucked out of sight.

I have the kids’ white erase boards on one wall. I have the three kids’ desks where we do any formal homeschool lessons, mostly math. My home office is upstairs with all my bookcases is in a room opposite our dining room.

We bought a used elliptical very cheaply from an older couple moving away and it’s awesome.

Our sectional sofa is still holding up ok after 10+ years.

There is a wet bar that I want to update with a new updated counter, faucet, and hopefully a narrow refrigerator in place of the pantry or a short beverage cooler in place of a cabinet.

My eldest daughter, almost twenty, has a bedroom and bathroom to herself in the basement but no windows.

Garden

We have a large front yard. We’re tackling the clover and weeds and trying to grow grass in the bald spots.

We have a little garden beside the garage where we get the most sunshine. We have peas, spinach, lettuce, green beans, cucumber, yellow squash, radishes, and carrots.

Our back yard slopes down to a lovely creek. It’s very shady.

We’re updating slowly as we can afford it.

We added pretty stepping stones and pine wood chips to a muddy area.

I plan to turn the sand pit into a Japanese shade garden.

We plan to sand, repair, and repaint the deck in brown or gray floor with white railings.

There is a firepit surrounded by too large gravel. I want to place some flat stones around it for a seating area.

Hostas are poking through the wood chips on either side. We need a new fence and I think I will prefer a picket instead of rail and wire.

Four walnut trees are coming down next month. You can see two on the right. The walnuts fall on our deck and it’s dangerous!

It’s really quite scary knowing we are responsible for all the maintenance on this home.

We know we need new siding and deck repairs. Most of the inside is in fantastic shape and we just want to make some updates.

We got a 30-year VA loan and I wonder if it will ever get paid off.

Elemental Blessing For A New Home

Before a human voice was ever heard here,
This place has known the respect of stone,
The friendship of the wind, always returning
With news of elsewhere, whispered in seed and pollen,
The thin symphonies of birdsong softening the silence,
The litanies of rain rearranging the air,
Cascades of sunlight opening and closing days,
And the glow of the moon gazing through darkness.
May all that elemental enrichment
Bless the foundation and standing of your home.
Before you came here, this place has known
The wonder of children’s eyes,
The hope of mornings in troubled hearts,
The tranquillity of twilight easing the night,
The drama of dreams under sleeping eyelids,
The generous disturbance of birth,
The anxieties of old age unclenching into grace
And the final elegance of calmly embraced death.
May the life of your new home enter
Into this inheritance of spirit.
May the rain fall kindly,
May daylight illuminate your hearts,
May the darkness never burden,
May those who dwell here in the unseen
Watch over your coming and going,
May your lives of love and promise
Refine and deepen the mind of this land.
John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

For a New Home

May this house shelter your life.
When you come in home here,
May all the weight of the world
Fall from your shoulders.
May your heart be tranquil here,
Blessed by peace the world cannot give.
May this home be a lucky place,
Where the graces your life desires
Always find the pathway to your door.
May nothing destructive
Ever cross your threshold.
May this be a safe place
Full of understanding and acceptance,
Where you can be as you are,
Without the need of any mask
Of pretense or image.
May this home be a place of discovery,
Where the possibilities that sleep
In the clay of your soul can emerge
To deepen and refine your vision
For all that is yet to come to birth.
May it be a house of courage,
Where healing and growth are loved,
Where dignity and forgiveness prevail;
A home where patience of spirit is prized,
And the sight of the destination is never lost
Though the journey be difficult and slow.
May there be great delight around this hearth.
May it be a house of welcome
For the broken and diminished.
May you have the eyes to see
That no visitor arrives without a gift
And no guest leaves without a blessing.
John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

We removed the bottom hooks! We are HOME.

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PCS to Hawaii

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January 13, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

It was a surprise call from my husband’s commander, asking me if I would rather go to Hawaii than to Altus, Oklahoma.

Um, yeah.

The year was 2007.

I didn’t have a smartphone.

I had just begun blogging, more as a scrapbook for our homeschooling journey.

I didn’t know what MySpace or Facebook even was.

Sometimes, I long to go back to a simpler time, before Pinterest and Instagram. Just to live a life of uncurated online perfection.

PCS to Hawaii Guide

My husband is active duty Air Force, so I assume Navy and Marines and Army might be a little different.

We flew from San Antonio, Texas, to LA for a short layover, to Honolulu, Hawaii. It was a long travel time.

I had an infant, toddler, young child, and a cat. It was pretty stressful.

We arrived in July and the air smelled like plumeria and the ocean.

PCSing Overseas

PCS= Permanent Change of Station. Relocating from one duty station to another.

What to Do First

Look for social media groups.

Facebook is a great way to connect with families who already live in the area you’re moving.

There are local groups for online yard sales, pet tips, jobs, hobbies, homeschooling, parenting, travel, shopping, meetups, hiking, and more!

Have a PCS fund.

It’s always wise to have some savings for PCS time. Pet costs, travel, meals, illness, surprises, and refreshments for the movers can soon deplete funds. We usually use our tax return that year.

Organize paperwork.

Organize all medical, school, and personal paperwork in a binder.

We have a big zipper binder with lots of pockets for passports, birth certificates, social security cards, pet vet reports, kids school reports, PCS forms.

Close accounts and cancel services.

Contact companies like utilities, cable or satellite TV, and cellular phone service to cancel. Most accounts require at least 30 days’ notice with PCS orders.

Request Your DLA (Dislocation Allowance).

Discuss with finance if you will be responsible to pay back any moving costs. Usually, the government credit card is used for airfare and hotel – and that will be covered with filing a travel voucher, but make sure it’s paid before you spend your DLA on new curtains or something! Anything above and beyond your daily allowances (per diem allotment), you will be held responsible.

Update insurance.

Contact and update auto and home insurance to make sure you have enough coverage or the right plan for the area you’re moving to. Some countries require extra policies.

Update financial info.

Update banking information with a travel alert and update the new address when you get it. When PCSing overseas, you have to open a local account to pay local bills.

Packing Out

We have huge yard sales and purge, purge, purge every time we PCS.

To avoid confusion and make it easier: schedule unaccompanied baggage, household goods, and temporary storage packing and pick-ups on different days.

Keep valuables and important documents with you at all times.

Household Goods

We opted not to put anything into storage, but I would go back and do that if I had known more. Everything fit ok, but we really didn’t need some items and I would have stored them for safety had I known.

It took several weeks for our goods to arrive. Our temp and HHG actually arrived at the same time.

They have “Aloha Furniture” for temporary use until the goods arrive. It was super helpful and convenient for us to get settled into a routine with beds, a kitchen table, and a dish/cookware pack.

TLA (Temporary Lodging Allowance)

Request a TLF (Temporary Lodging Facility) assignment as soon as you know the dates. Keep all travel receipts. Get on the base housing list ASAP.

Depending on availability of on-base lodging, there’s a chance you’ll be authorized for TLA, which can be extended up from 30 to 60 days.

We didn’t get into a TLF unit on base because it was all full during primetime PCS season.

They booked us up in the Hale Koa Hotel.

The Hale Koa is one of four Armed Forces Recreation Centers around the world run by the Army. AFRCs are resorts that were built for the military and are exclusively for use by military members, retirees, DoD civilians, and other authorized guests.

Housing

Housing in Hawaii is smaller than most places. Property is premium. We lived on base. I don’t know how people can afford to live off base. Utilities were included and we only paid for cable TV/internet/phone. Apparently, utilities aren’t included anymore, as of 2013.

Our base house was pretty small for our growing family. We only qualified for a three bedroom because our girls were so young. Our toddler and infant shared a room.

BAH is very high. Sacrificing some living space or commute time in traffic, you might find something affordable off-base to your liking and pocket some BAH money with the VA loan while building some equity.

PCSing to Hawaii with Pets

The state of Hawaii is rabies-free. They like to keep it that way.

Pets may be quarantined up to 120 days.

Pets with uptodate vaccinations may be eligible for 30-day, 5-day, or direct release from the Honolulu International Airport, if requirements are met. See the Hawaii Animal Quarantine info page for more.

Even though we thought we followed the pet travel and moving checklist to a T for immediate release, we had to put our cat in the quarantine kennel for 30 days.

He was fine and we visited him and he seemed happy in his big outdoor private fenced in kennel.

Shipping a Personal Vehicle

Military members are authorized a shipment of 1 POV (Privately Owned Vehicle) at government expense.

We chose to sell our Sante Fe SUV before moving and purchase a Dodge minivan in Hawaii.

We didn’t know any better. I did worry about shipping a brand new vehicle and not having a car for six weeks. But, everything is more expensive in Hawaii because they’re islands.

Just like PCSing overseas anywhere, a POV must be cleaned and inspected before shipment. I recommend shipping the POV as early as you can so it’s ready for you as soon as possible after you arrive.

We only needed one car while we were in Hawaii. We lived on base where my husband worked and he walked or rode his bike everywhere. Occasionally, he needed the car for meetings or something, but it was usually fine for us.

Expenses and Shopping

The Cost of Living Allowance (COLA) is given to government employees stationed overseas (including Alaska and Hawaii) to offset the higher cost if living in those areas. The amount received ranges from $500 to $1500 per month and is determined by a number of factors like rank, years of service, and number of dependents. COLA is not taxed by the federal government, but it may be taxed by the state of Hawaii. My husband’s state of residence is Illinois, so we were not taxed.

I transferred my driver’s license to Hawaii since I am a nonworking spouse and don’t really have a state of residence. As a resident, I got Kama’aina discounts at some places we visited. Many tourist attractions offer great rates for military and Kama’aina and free kids tickets.

Since Hawaii are islands, we realized pretty quickly that if I saw something at the BX, commissary, or in a local store, I better snatch it up immediately because it wouldn’t be there next time.

The commissary ran out of sugar and Cool Whip during the holidays. Canned pumpkin was seasonal and only available during November.

Shopping in local grocery stores was very expensive. Everything is cheaper at the BX and commissary. Gas on base is cheapest.

There’s a big resale business. Lots of yard sales, swap meets, online sales.

We didn’t think about the things we might miss in Hawaii. There weren’t as many commercials stores and restaurants as there are now. No Chick Fil A or Target. I learned not to care so much and I shopped less often than I used to.

Shopping online has extra shipping charges. We learned to live without many things I wouldn’t purchased unless it was available locally.

Laws

The Honolulu City Council just passed a bill that allows the City to fine you if you are texting while walking across a street ($15-$99 fine).

Talking on a cell phone while driving is also against the law in Hawaii.

Everyone (including back seat passengers) must wear seatbelts.

Motorcycle helmets are optional (until you go on base) but advisable for safety.

Hawaii is very strict on firearms. You have a short grace period upon arrival, which is 3 days. You’ll need to register your firearms with the Honolulu Police Department. Take the unloaded firearm to the Firearms Division of HPD for inspection along with proper identification and proof of ownership. You will be fingerprinted ($16.50 fee) and photographed. Also, register with base security if living on base.

Culture

You’ll hear Aloha a lot. It’s hello, welcome, love, a way of life.

Mahalo means thank you.

While driving, people say “thanks” with the shaka sign which is the same as the ASL sign for play. Make sure to return it!

Traffic is awful. There’s only like two or three highways. We quickly learned to deal with it and when to go places.

Leave your shoes outside or by the door when you visit someone’s home. You’ll probably soon be living in flip-flops (“slippahs”) anyway.

On Oahu, there’s the windward side (east), the leeward side (west), town (Honolulu), Central (Pearl City, Mililani, and surrounding areas), and the North Shore. Mauka (mow-kah) means on the mountain side of the road in the context of directions. Makai (mah-kigh) means on the ocean side of the road in the context of directions.

Learn to make friends with geckos. They come in your house and eat the bugs and they’re noisy at night. Don’t go near the feral chickens. They’re mean and carry bugs. Avoid the humongous centipedes. Many people and pets go to the ER with centipede stings.

It never gets cold, but December is rainy season.

We were sad to leave Hawaii. We PCSed from Hawaii to Utah with another baby, two preschoolers, an older daughter, and two cats. It was a pretty stressful and long flight.

We loved living in Hawaii for three years and wish we could’ve stayed longer.

We have some great memories and the kids long to return now that they’re older.

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A Mother’s Résumé

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October 28, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 16 Comments

I haven’t worked at a “real job” for at least a dozen years.

It’s frustrating that introductory small talk still focuses on “What do you do?” and is disdainful or even scornful of motherhood as a vocation. People even dare ask or mention that my education was a waste. It’s like my only worth is in a salary or job for pay outside my home.

These microaggressions don’t endear me to people whom I’ve just met. They dismiss me as unimportant because I don’t have a salary and it’s so frustrating.

Motherhood isn’t valued in American culture. Homeschooling is still considered weird.

There’s little purpose to keeping up my LinkedIn profile.

I can’t imagine going back to teach at any school, at any level. I sometimes miss the classroom, but the hassles and negatives don’t outweigh the few positives. I don’t have current state certification and I don’t have any desire to jump through hoops to recertify.

If you hired someone to do the work of maintaining a household, especially if you have children, the cost would be approximately $ 90,000 a year. This is what a “traditional” at-home spouse would get paid today to clean the house, be a personal shopper and personal assistant, run errands, and take care of the children.
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman, Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.,

Things You Didn’t Put on Your Résumé

How often you got up in the middle of the night
when one of your children had a bad dream,

and sometimes you woke because you thought
you heard a cry but they were all sleeping,

so you stood in the moonlight just listening
to their breathing, and you didn’t mention

that you were an expert at putting toothpaste
on tiny toothbrushes and bending down to wiggle

the toothbrush ten times on each tooth while
you sang the words to songs from Annie, and

who would suspect that you know the fingerings
to the songs in the first four books of the Suzuki

Violin Method and that you can do the voices
of Pooh and Piglet especially well, though

your absolute favorite thing to read out loud is
Bedtime for Frances and that you picked

up your way of reading it from Glynis Johns,
and it is, now that you think of it, rather impressive

that you read all of Narnia and all of the Ring Trilogy
(and others too many to mention here) to them

before they went to bed and on the way out to
Yellowstone, which is another thing you don’t put

on the résumé: how you took them to the ocean
and the mountains and brought them safely home.

~Joyce Sutphen

As a mother for the past 19 years, I can attest to having quite an impressive work history and specific skill set.

The mental workload of being a mother far outweighs any “job” I’ve ever had.

As a teacher in various school and classroom environments, then as a homeschool educator for the last 15 years, I honed my expertise by focusing on my students’ unique needs.

As a military spouse, I retained my skills and honed a lot of new ones over the last decade and a half.

There are no gaps in my work history. I worked constantly, year-round, daily, overnights, with no vacation days, through sickness and injury, and during two deployments with no assistance or support.

Experience

Director of Child Development

$39,744 average annual salary

Oversee social, academic, and emotional development of students from birth until adulthood
Develop educational programs and standards
Design program plans, oversee daily activities, and prepare budget for activities and curriculum
Support gross and fine motor skills
Maintain instructional excellence

Educational Leadership

$88,390 average annual salary

Knowledge of pedagogy and methodology
Relationship building
Continuing education in field regarding trends, concerns, issues
Global mindset
Plan cross-curricular lessons for various ages, abilities, interests
Conflict resolution
Extensive library
Use of technology
Personalize feedback on student assignments
Advise students regarding academic courses and career opportunities
Encourage students to present their views and participate in discussion
Share personal experiences and values
Record keeping

Project Management

$134,182 average annual salary

Initiating, planning, executing, controlling, and closing the work of a team to achieve specific goals and meet specific success criteria at the specified time.
Establish expectations
Be proactive
Organization
Risk management
Delegation
Teamwork
Growth Mindset

Life Coach

$46,678 average annual salary

Discuss needs and goals
Develop strategies and plans
Keep records of progress
Evaluation
Adjust goal strategies as needed
Assist manage stress and increase productivity
Excellent listening and questioning skills
Confidence to challenge in a caring way
Support goal-setting, personal growth, and behavior modification

Domestic Engineer

$59,496 average annual salary

Oversee operations of all systems and procedures
Budget for and allocated appropriate expenditures
Delegate operational tasks to promote equal labor division
Maintain cleanliness and sanitation of all work, play, and living areas
Food purchasing, preparation, and storage
Multi-tasking
Home economics
Laundry expertise
Basic mending ability by hand and sewing machine
Organization and efficiency

Religious Advisor

$58,130 average annual salary

Education about religion and faith through various books, activities, social justice, music, tradition, travel
Evolve faith through experience and learning
Help understand spirituality to promote peace, healing, and union with God and others
sensitivity, empathy, and understanding
Ensure proper growth and relational development
Spiritual counsel and advice
Meet their spiritual, emotional, and relational goals
Meditation and contemplation

Protocol Officer

$71,135 average annual salary

Research traditions and customs
Distinguish between time-honored tradition and mindless repetition
Knowledge of preferences and customs of each person
Prioritize welcome and respect
Educate daily on etiquette and customs for various situations
Minimize or eliminate any opportunity for embarrassment or offense
Establish and enforce consistency using logic
Develop itineraries and agendas
Identify security risks and create safety plans

Travel and Event Planner

$41,873 average annual salary

Research, suggest, and decide where to go, methods of transportation, car rentals, hotel accommodations, tours, and attractions
Advise about weather conditions, local customs, attractions, necessary documents, and currency exchange rates
Visualization
Organization and planning
Plan and execute ceremonies and special events

Budget Analyst

$71,590 average annual salary

Manage family finances, analyze and prepare monthly expenditures
Estimate future financial needs
Research of domestic economic and spending trends
Develop projections based on past economic and spending trends
Technical analysis, monitoring spending for deviations, and preparing monthly and annual reports
Analyze investments and their market performance
Education about financial terms, issues, trends, economic history

Historian

$55,800 average annual salary

Organize data, and analyze and interpret its authenticity and relative significance
Gather historical data from sources such as archives, court records, diaries, news files, and photographs, as well as collect data sources such as books, pamphlets, and periodicals
Thorough investigative and research skills
Analyze and interpret information
Interest in human behaviour, culture and society
Enquiring mind

Personal Stylist

$50,346 average annual salary

Attention to detail
Analytical mind
Problem-solving ability
Knowledge of fabrics, colors, seasonal items, accessories, etiquette
Knowledge brands, designs, trends

Personal Chef

$62,282 average annual salary

Customize unique meal and snack plans
Skilled at recognizing flavors and judging the balance of seasonings
Knowledge of kitchen tools and appliances and their uses
Procure and organize various recipes
Shop for all groceries within budget
Prepare the meal in a timely manner
Clean up the kitchen to excellent standards
Store leftovers promptly

Chauffeur

$22,440 average annual salary

Transport people to various activities in a safe and timely manner
Stock vehicles with amenities
Keep vehicles shiny and clean
Vehicle maintenance and repair

Waste Management

$64,000 average annual salary

Plan, implement, and coordinate comprehensive waste systems designed to maximize waste prevention, reuse, and recycling opportunities.
Evaluate the success of plans and make changes as necessary.
Minimize the impact of waste to protect the environment.

Plumber

$50,620 average annual salary

Unclog sink drains and pipes as needed
Replace salt in home water softener
Humidify and/or dehumidify the air in home
Repair water supply lines, waste disposal systems, and related appliances and fixtures

Special Skills

Good at untying knots
Feeding picky children and spouse
Finder of lost things
Making shoddy rental houses comfy and homey
Empath
Introvert
Comforter
Creativity
Innovation
Initiative
Time management
Stress management
Interpersonal relationships
Excellent verbal and written communication

Research

I can research anything. I enjoy researching. I loved researching literary, psychological, and educational analyses in university – and all the details of citing the sources properly. I can find anything on Google. Over time, I just have learned the best keywords for a search. I can find the best whatever we’re looking for in minutes, before we move to a new base or city. I research what we’re learning about in our homeschool and design my own curriculum.

Frugal

We have learned to thrive with one income. We’ve learned to survive with one vehicle. I’ve worked with very tight budgets as we’ve raised and homeschooled four kids all over. We focus on eating well and traveling and living life to the fullest. We’re investing for the future with 529s, IRAs, mutual funds, life insurance, and retirement plans. We’re paying down debt.

Multitasking

I can do it all and do it well. When life gets hectic, I’m in charge to streamline everything. I have a great memory and seldom get sidetracked for long.

Adaptable

Things change. We’ve received written orders that have changed last minute. We had to cancel plans to travel on vacation in order to PCS. We’ve had extensions fall through. We’ve experienced deployments. I have to stay flexible. I have to be strong for my kids.

Critical Thinking

I don’t want my kids just to regurgitate information and blindly obey. I want them to know right from wrong and question everything – me, tradition, reality, authority – why? why? WHY?

Observation, analysis, interpretation, reflection, evaluation, inference, explanation, problem solving, and decision making

Understand the logical connections between ideas.
Determine the importance and relevance of arguments and ideas.
Recognise, build, and appraise arguments.
Identify inconsistencies and errors in reasoning.
Approach problems in a consistent and systematic way.
Reflect on the justification of their own assumptions, beliefs, and values.

Education

M.Ed. secondary English education, gifted endorsement

B.A. English literature with minor in psychology, cum laude

Summary

As a military spouse, I have some unique skills.

I may have developed these abilities anyway.

But my life is very different than it could have been because I married an Air Force officer, my dad retired from the Army Reserves, and both my parents worked as GS employees since forever.

Being a military spouse can be like having a full-time job. Much of the expertise I’ve developed over the years are highly transferable and marketable in the workforce.

All in different seasons and different bases, I have worked outside the house, stayed at home, worked from home, and considered going back to school. I have a master’s degree in education, so that’s essentially an expensive piece of paper at this point since I don’t want to go back to teach in a school.

Every day, I develop and further solidify impressive marketable life experience just by supporting my active duty husband, being a stay-at-home mom, and homeschooling my kids.

I may not have an impressive résumé or curriculum vitae, but I know what my abilities are.

My worth is not only in what I do. My value is not in the income I bring or don’t bring into our household. As a wife, mother, and homeschooler, I have intrinsic value in the efficiency of my household management.

The TRUTH about the military spouse job search.

There’s little to no personal fulfillment.

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Parenting Alone During Deployment

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June 24, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I see you over there at every significant event with your spouse and kids and parents and in-laws, siblings and their kids, grandparents, and extended family, friends even.

You’re loud with inside jokes and almost obnoxious laughter within your safety net of family and close friends, whom you’ve known forever, in a place where you’ve always lived, surrounded by people who love you and whom you love, despite the mistakes of your past, your gawky teen years, going away to college and returning to marry and start your own family.

I don’t know what it’s like to be surrounded by friends and family.

Your eyes cut to me more than once.

Do you look uncomfortable or curious?

I’m the mom at her kids’ events, alone.

You might wonder if I’m a single mom.

Am I separated, divorced, or widowed?

You might wonder where my people are – parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, whoever.

I try to take lots of pictures for memories.

I go home after events and practices to email or text a summary and all the photos that turn out.

My husband is deployed.

Or TDY.

Or working late, weekends, doubles.

His parents passed the first year we married. His sisters choose not to have a relationship with us.

My parents live far away and we’re not close. Almost all my extended family have passed since I’m the youngest grandbaby.

Many people ask, “How do you do it?”

I just do.

This is my life.

I’ve had some scoff that this is my choice and I could make changes if I really wanted to.

I wonder: what could they possibly mean? Separation from the military before retirement (maybe in two more years!) and lose all those benefits? Geobaching? Divorce? What?

Of course it’s my choice. I knew what I was doing when I married my military man. It doesn’t make life any easier when the going gets rough.

I didn’t realize I can’t ever express sorrow, regret, loneliness, heartache – or any emotion that isn’t overwhelmingly patriotic and positive – over certain life circumstances like others so often do for shallow sympathy.

I do what I have to do to raise my children well, often with an absent father who travels or deploys for work. I sometimes struggle to be everything to my kids – mother and father. They know to rely on themselves and each other and me. I’m the constant. I’m consistent.

Sometimes, it’s just really hard and lonely.

Solo Parenting Tips

Stricter schedule
Earlier bedtimes for kids so I have alone time
Nature/outdoor time daily for at least 30 minutes
Healthy eating and plenty of water
Hire or borrow help when needed
Take lots of pictures
Video chat
Email
Texting
Have kids draw pictures, write letters, make treats to mail
Have kids help create and deliver care packages to USPS
Scrapbook or photo book of time missed

Have you ever parented alone and how did you manage?

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How I Spent Deployment

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March 10, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

I grew up in the Bible belt, in a south Atlanta suburb. I didn’t know about Lent or a liturgical church year. My grandma was Lutheran and I went to church with her when she visited twice a year. All my school acquaintances were Baptist or Methodist. I sometimes visited their church when they were evangelizing.

I’ve come to see Lent as a time of reflection, personal growth, and study.

Looking back on these 7ish months, I realize I have changed, mostly for the better.

We’re in the countdown to homecoming with this second deployment.

Deployment is kind of like Lent, but for 215+ days instead of just 40 days.

Christian faithful are to do penance through prayer, fasting, abstinence, and by exercising works of piety and charity. All Fridays through the year, and especially during Lent, are penitential days.
from Lent and Easter Obligations as posted on the Military Archdiocese Website

We approached this deployment not with trepidation, but with anticipation for personal growth, as much needed time apart. As an introvert, I used this time to recharge.

How I spent this deployment

Prayer

Of course I pray for my deployed husband.

But having more free time on my hands without daily interaction with my husband, I found myself praying almost constantly. As an introvert and pretty quiet and introspective. It just became natural to talk to God.

I pray for my kids, their friends and acquaintances, their teachers and coaches.

I pray for The Church, our world and country leaders, minorities and those on the margins, nations in crisis, celebrities who are role models even if they shouldn’t be.

I pray for myself, that I will be softer, more humble, more loving, kinder.

I’ve discovered contemplative prayer and Lectio Divina and it’s really peaceful.

Fasting

Ash Wednesday and Lent are seasons of fasting.

I couldn’t say it any better for any time of year:

While I do intermittent fasting to detox, I don’t necessarily recommend that for everyone. It works for me and I enjoy smoothies, tea, and water during the week. Weekends are for pizza!

I lost 25 pounds during this deployment season. I exercised every single day, drank lots of water and tea, ate vegan or vegetarian during the day, healthy clean dinners (often seafood), and fewer animal products overall. The weight just fell off.

The feminist in me feels the need to say that I did all this for myself. I want my health to improve. I’m developing arthritis. My parents take handfuls of pills multiple times each day. My aunt just passed away last week from Alzheimer’s. I want to do better. I want to live better. I want to be a better role model of health for my kids.

Abstinence

Abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Most frequently, the term refers to sexual abstinence, or abstinence from alcohol, drugs, or food.

Well, this one is easy. He’s thousands of miles away. It’s easy for me to stay faithful. And I don’t believe in what happens on deployment, stays on deployment. We don’t have that kind of relationship.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5

It’s also easier for me to eat what I want and how I want. I’ve eaten much healthier and more vegetarian. I hope to maintain that even after he returns home.

I do occasionally have a beer or glass of wine, but it’s been more for special occasions or with fancier dinners, and so much less than before. It’s no fun to drink alone. It feels wasteful not having my husband to share it with.

Yes, I can be rather an ascetic, but I’m learning to balance better.

Exercise

Exercising body and soul. Almsgiving, piety, and charity.

Wholeness and generosity.

It’s all about getting closer to and loving God, others, and self.

I started physical therapy for knee arthritis. They straightened out my misaligned hips and taught me a lot of strengthening and core exercises.

I have maintained daily exercise since.

My son reminds me each evening by pulling my exercise ball out of the closet for me. I do stretches and strengthening exercises.

I also walk at least a mile every day or so, depending on temperatures. I can’t get out there if it’s below freezing. It just hurts my lungs to breathe that cold air.

I pinned some great online workouts.

Penitence

I’m a pro at beating myself up.

I don’t need anyone to point out my errors, mistakes, sins. I do a great job of that all on my own.

I’m trying to heal. I’m reading up on narcissism, dysfunction, shame, anger, fear.

I will break this cycle.

I’m reading so much to get me out of my comfort zone. Books by indigenous and Black authors, books about decolonization, race, theology.

I’m so tired of the white woman memoir. I’m tired of the self-deprecating oh-woe-is-me mantra of those who identify as my peers. It feels like they’re asking for sympathy, camaraderie, connection…but it seems to me they’re just excluding those who don’t identify the same way.

I’m tired of reading a cleansed, whitewashed, imperialist history told by a Eurocentric and/or white American perspective. It’s actually really time-consuming and stressful to find proper texts and living books that teach the spectrum of perspectives of real history.

I want to hear the silenced voices.

I don’t want to make excuses for my whiteness nor do I want to perpetuate privilege. We can’t hide behind ignorance. I want to teach my kids a better way.

As we count down the days and hours until husband and father returns, we clean our hearts and minds and house in preparation for the return of our beloved and much missed family member.

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Reintegration

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February 25, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

First of all, I really loathe the word “reintegration” for after deployment, returning to routine, family, normal life. The only instance I could find for the use of the word outside the military world is in rehab.

I guess it could feel a little as if a loved one left either way.

Of course, the first few days, even weeks, back from a deployment can be stressful and difficult for a married couple and for a parent and children.

Deployment is really hard on children and marriages. We have to put forth extra effort for long distance relationships.

Holidays have to be extra special to make up for the missing family member.

As homeschoolers, we keep on doing our thing, but sometimes, we take breaks when we become sad and miss Dad or just need mental health days or to go do something somewhere that’s not home with all its memories.

Successful Reintegration for Families:

Preparation
Expectations
Communication
Schedule
Adjustment

It helps to take a few days or even weeks during the countdown to homecoming to get the family ready!

Preparation

I’ve spent many months on my own, doing things my way.

Organized, efficient, routine.

I’m an introvert and I’m pretty strong on my own.

I know I need to prepare myself and the kids for a new arrival after so much time alone.

We’ve been doing things without him for so long that he will feel almost like a stranger in his own home.

We need to have conversations and list pros and cons to our lifestyles and how we don’t want to irritate Dad when he returns home and adjusts to living with family members who have grown so much he doesn’t even know now.

We may have to adjust schedules and have earlier quiet time since Dad goes to bed earlier to get up to go to the gym and then work. No more late night dance parties on a Tuesday or snacks loudly prepared in the kitchen after bedtime.

We’ll have a family meeting to discuss how things were, how things are, and how things could and should be upon his return.

It’s a lot more work and effort than just showing off the new sofas and bathroom rugs, discussing how much taller the kids are, asking for help putting together the robot Christmas present.

We can’t and don’t want to just go back to the way things were before.

Expectations

I hate the airport reunion.

I hate the waiting for the plane with anxious kids. I hate the witnesses, judging our affection. Is it right? Enough? Too much?

I hate standing aside in baggage claim while his commander and coworkers fawn over him and everyone ignores us.

We fake smiles and attempt to make small talk with people who don’t even know us as anything other than an issued accessory.

We get through it somehow and sit awkwardly for the car ride home from the airport.

The anticipation for the first few hours home seem bursting with embarrassment as there’s not much really to look forward to anymore.

There will be lots of unpacking, laundry, jet lag.

There’s no possible way he can catch up on months that he missed.

We’ll go through photos and by bits and pieces, he can develop memories of this time.

I got a scrapbook album last time he deployed and I think those are a great idea.

It’s confusing and maybe scary for young kids to welcome home a parent who seems so different from when he left, from their fond memory of him.

He’ll smell different. The cats and kids will surely notice. Months of eating poor quality food and being in the desert changes his familiar scent.

He may look different. His eyes might be shadowed with anything he may have seen over there. Months of loneliness without anything soft or caring takes its toll.

He may talk differently. He’s used to barking orders or talking to other service members. He’s almost forgotten what it’s like to speak in a tone appropriate for wife and kids.

Loud, sudden noises may be startling after months of listening to warfare.

It’s an adjustment for all of us to get used to each other again.

Communication

I need to communicate the changes that have occurred so he is up to speed and doesn’t feel too left out.

The kids and I have evolved and changed as a family, without him.

We have just grown. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.

There is bound to be some friction when he doesn’t realize we’re not the same as we were last year when he left.

The transition he will go through will be hard with the kids’ confusion and struggle for us all to be respectful of his loss.

He will have to make a big effort to catch up on all he can so he can feel a part of our family again.

Everyone will have to be patient and understanding.

I will do what I can to gently remind him of favorites and preferences – dishes, colors, seating arrangements, the one child who dislikes black pepper on her scrambled eggs.

And also gentle reminders for all of us to speak kindly, carefully, and softly.

Schedule

I’ve gone to bed whenever I’ve wanted, reading or watching shows, alone.

My schedule has revolved around the kids and our natural rhythms.

We will have to discover new rhythms, to include him in our lives again.

The kids will either want to overwhelm him by making up for all the lost time or ignore him completely because they learned to cope without him.

It will be very awkward at first, and maybe for a good long while as our schedules adjust.

Dinnertime will be different. I have to remember to make enough food, consider his preferences, and have it at an appropriate time for his schedule too.

The bed will suddenly get so much smaller, with two cats, my son who falls asleep as I read to him, and then – suddenly after a long absence – my husband. The cats are gonna be so mad. I’ll have to stay on my side again.

Adjustment

After the initial excitement of his return wears off, we have to make constant adjustments over the next few weeks.

We’ll get irritated with each other.

We can assume we’re just going to fall back into old patterns but that might not be best or desired. We may have forgotten each other’s bad habits during that rosy “heart grows fonder while he’s away” thing.

I’ll learn to rely on him again. I’ll ask him to take out the trash. I’ll expect him to help with the dishes and put his clothes in the laundry. I’ll want him to take the kids to events or accompany me.

We’ll try to slowly introduce him to our lives and interests. He will probably be exhausted from all the new information.

We need to take time to realize and decide who we want to be as a couple and family. We don’t necessarily want to fall into old patterns.

After a few weeks, we predict our lives will have improved due to this deployment as we all grew personally during this time apart.

He gets a little time off work to reintegrate and we all can take that time to get to know one another again.

There are mental health services for returning service members and their families who struggle with reintegration.

Linking up: Mrs. AOK, Modest Mom, Our Holiday Journey, Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, Inspo for Moms, Good Random Fun, Anita Ojeda, Lori Schumaker, Blogghetti, MaryAndering Creatively, April Harris, Timeless Mama, Abounding Grace, Mary Geisen, Trekking Thru, LouLou Girls, Home Stories, Jessi’s Design, Welcome Heart, Wise Woman, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Penny’s Passion, Over the Moon, Creative K Kids, Mommynificent, Debbie Kitterman, Try it Like it, TFT, Apron Strings, Rachel Lee, Imparting Grace, Susan Mead, Anna Nuttall, Simply Sweet Home, CKK, CWJ, Crystal Storms, Fireman’s Wife, Coffee With Us3, Chic on a Shoestring, Answer is Choco, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Crystal Waddell, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Life with Lorelai,

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Celebrating Holidays During Deployment

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November 19, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 6 Comments

Deployment.

The HoLidAyS.

Halloween to New Years.

Can you say S-T-R-E-S-S?

The holidays get me down anyway, and doing them alone is no fun at all. If it were just me, I would forego the whole winter season completely.

I do it for the kids.

October to January. It feels like so many expectations to make everything perfect, all by myself.

The kids are older now and they have a say. They like to stay home, mostly.

We don’t want potlucks with strangers. We don’t participate in events on base. We don’t know the people Dad works with at all.

We stopped going to church because it was so fake. I don’t want pity or questions. I’m healing in my solitude.

How We Celebrate the Holidays During Deployment:

Tradition

For many families and certainly for young kids, maintaining tradition is important. It offers continuity and comfort. We have certain expectations every year. Some things can be omitted or mixed up, but other things are just necessary for the holiday to feel special.

I’m an only child, so we really never did much on holidays, except with my grandmothers and they passed when I was a teenager.

My husband’s parents passed the first year we married. We’ve never celebrated holidays with family.

It was a blank slate.

We could create our own traditions!

We like to keep things simple. It keeps my stress levels down, knowing I don’t have to make everything perfect and Pinterest-worthy. We don’t do Santa. We do St. Nicholas, but they know it’s me.

For our family of six, we have several traditions.

We make and eat latkes the first night of Hanukkah, even though we’re not Jewish. We learned about Judaism in depth for homeschool church and world history and we’ve just always continued with some of the Jewish traditions.

We like to drive around, looking at Christmas lights. This is the first year in ages that we didn’t do that. I just couldn’t fit it in with the weather, kids’ schedules, and my parents visiting.

We try new recipes for cookies, muffins, cakes.

We watch certain movies during the holiday season.

New Traditions

Shopmas, er, Thanksgiving, is kind of a worthless holiday for us. We practice gratitude year-round.

My eldest doesn’t even like turkey. Only one child likes dressing/stuffing. There’s hardly a point making a lot of food for Thanksgiving that no one likes. We don’t care about or watch football. We can have pizza on Thanksgiving if we want to. I can make a mini buffet of lots of little snacks or appetizers and we can all eat what we like. We can do what we want. We can go to the movies. It doesn’t matter. No one dictates to us! Maybe it will even become a new tradition.

My son just announced that he can’t wait for Thanksgiving! He loves turkey and my homemade pie. Well, then. Guess there will be no deviating from that tradition at this time.

We don’t do Black Friday or Cyber Monday. I’ve been finished with holiday shopping for weeks. We want a debt-free holiday.

We eat an awful lot of ham year-round so it’s just not special. I’m not making a prime rib without my husband here to enjoy it. We can have Chinese food, Italian, or anything we want for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners! There’s a scary freedom to that.

There are some things only Dad can do or do well. So without him here, I have to mix things up.

We normally make chicken wings on New Year’s Eve, but I’m kinda scared of the deep fryer. We may have a living room picnic with a movie or even go out. Update: I did great frying chicken wings!

We can go to a movie on New Year’s Day. We usually have the traditional Southern pork, greens, and black-eyed peas for dinner.

We really like Chinese New Year and often make Asian food or go out for a special meal.

Travel

We used to travel over holidays.

The long 4-day Thanksgiving weekend offered great opportunities when we lived in Germany – and we went to Prague, Porto, and Venice. We went to Maui and Rome over Christmas.

We’ve been saving money and I don’t know if I want to venture out too far in snow or ice. I’m from Georgia.

My parents are 12 hours away by car.

My eldest works more when school is out.

I know lots of families move in with family or visit extensively to stave off the loneliness.

Presents

We are always trying to be frugal and debt-free, but I’m doing presents this year.

Yes, there is a bit of guilt that Dad’s not here and I probably spent more than I would have if he were home.

We may open some gifts during the nights of Hanukkah. We may open them all on Christmas Eve. I’m letting the kids decide but they can’t complain later.

Presents aren’t the most important part of the holidays, but they’re fun. The anticipation is exciting.

Presence

There’s only me, so I feel obligated to do all the things.

We celebrate Advent with reading and candles every evening.

We spent the cold dreary days and nights together playing board games, Wii, reading, puzzles, baking.

Sometimes the togetherness gets to be a bit much and we separate to draw, read, cook, watch Netflix, or sit with the cats.

I want to rest in the presence of Jesus during Advent.

I want to model calm presence throughout the holidays in spite of the chaos and loneliness.

How do you celebrate holidays when your spouse is deployed?

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How Deployment Affects Marriage

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November 12, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

Deployments are stressful for married couples.

Of course being separated – for many months or a year – can create stress on a marriage.

Deployment exacerbates any issues already existing in the relationship.

I’m independent and capable and efficient. Being a single mom for seven months isn’t that much of a hardship for me. I make most of the household decisions anyway. Some people gave me side eye when they learned about the deployment and I wasn’t sufficiently devastated as they expected me to be. I take things as they come.

I know some spouses who can’t even go to the store alone, much less successfully navigate a deployment without loads of daily help from friends and family. But, to each her own, I guess.

We actually made this deployment decision together, to strengthen our marriage, and help his career.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

It takes lots of extra work to make marriage work in the military, and especially during long separations.

How to maintain a successful marriage during deployment:

Communication

We live in an era of easy communication. The Internet makes the impossible possible. Thousands of miles and oceans apart, and we can see each other face to face and chat daily. My grandma didn’t have that luxury, only seeing my grandpa on shore duty after months at sea, raising their two boys alone.

I’m not into small talk but I have to make myself available and chatty even when I don’t feel like it. I’m an extreme introvert.

He doesn’t care about care packages. He doesn’t want much. He asks for K Cups and garlic salt. So exciting. Also, some deployment locations limit items such as pork products or comic books, and it just stresses me out that he might get in trouble if I don’t read the ingredients on a jerky packet closely enough. I’m not going to waste time, effort, and money sending things he doesn’t want or need and that he’ll just give away to others.

He’s not much of a reader. I would love to read a book together and discuss it. But he’s not into that. I do often send him screenshots of my eBooks with highlighted text.

We don’t really watch the same shows much either. We sometimes recommend movies or shows to each other, but we don’t watch anything together regularly.

He likes sugarcoating and I’m very blunt. Texts and emails seem worse without any tone or facial expressions to lighten them. We can’t really afford to get offended.

I don’t want to come at him with only problems and bad news. I have to temper everything. But it seems that everything that can will go wrong during a deployment.

We have to make more of an effort to communicate well since we’re apart for a long time.

I’m often melancholy when I can’t share events, milestones, or something special with him.

I miss you in waves and tonight I’m drowning.

Finances

I’m using this opportunity of 7+ months of separation pay to pay off the credit card and not acquire any more debt.

I’m not a shopper anyway, so it’s easy for me to be frugal.

The kids and I keep busy and don’t fall into retail therapy to make ourselves feel better. We shop for needs and a few wants and items for the holidays.

I seem to save lots of money on utilities, household expenses, and by staying home, making it easier to pay off the debt. So much less laundry!

Temptation

I suppose temptation might be an area for many marriages to worry about.

I’m not very social and I’m very private. We’re loyal. We’re committed. It’s not really an issue.

Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely.

I rarely talk to people, and certainly not men. I’m not around men. I’m not around anyone, really. We don’t go to church anymore. There aren’t any stay at home, homeschooling dads in my circles for me to be concerned. I don’t even chat online with anyone except my family members.

I’m not one to be easily tempted and I would recognize the potential danger and immediately extricate myself because I want to maintain integrity. Trust is important.

It might be harder for some people in different circumstances. It might be difficult for lonely and bored deployed members seeing certain others day in and day out, in close quarters. Maintaining professional distance is important. Don’t confuse being nice with flirting.

I don’t believe in a deployment sex pact or “what happens in deployment, stays in deployment.” That’s not healthy.

I’m not sure what some spouses are up against, but guarding hearts and minds and removing oneself from dangerous situations is imperative.

I’ve read about too many marriages breaking up after deployments due to affairs and it’s very heartbreaking.

It’s very depressing at most deployment locations. It’s all neutral colors, poor weather and food, little entertainment or activity. He misses us. He misses affection.

It’s hard for us too.

Self Improvement

During the first deployment, he completed a training course that he needed to make the next rank. That was convenient and easy for us.

He goes to the gym a lot. There’s not much else for him to do.

I read a lot. Like, a whole lot. And there are no interruptions for me now!

I’m constantly improving myself. I collect knowledge.

It’s easy for me to use these months alone to read more, watch more uplifting shows, write, research, educate myself, walk in nature, pray, think…and all the things that too often get interrupted on weekends and evenings.

I keep him updated on my progress and what I’m learning so he’s not totally lost and thinks I’m a different person when he returns. That’s a very real consideration. People grow, and can more easily grow apart while separated. It’s a concern I actively counter with communication.

Parenting

As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, this is my job. And now I’m doing it mostly alone for many months.

The kids keep on carrying on while Dad is away. It’s hard when I can’t share their milestones with their father. He’s missing out.

Of course, they rely on me as their mom for almost everything anyway. It takes some pushing and prodding for them to ask Dad for anything even when he’s home, and certainly they learn he’s not available to help much or take the load off me when he’s away.

I remind him to ask them about what they’re learning, reading, doing – to keep communication open and maintain relationship while he’s away. And I have to coax everyone during reintegration.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

With the time change, it’s even harder to connect sometimes with his work schedule. We have to make extra effort.

He trusts me to maintain a peaceful home for these kids – who are living for 8 months without a father, except on FaceTime. I have to make it as special and good as possible.

We’re in this together.

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Military Children and Toxic Stress

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

October 13, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

This post is done in partnership with Stress Health, an initiative of the Center for Youth Wellness, but the opinions expressed are my own.

For military children, toxic stress can be an ongoing threat.

I know there have been seasons when we’ve been under extreme stress, and I’ve done all I can to alleviate it to keep our family on an even keel. Sometimes, it’s just so hard.

Life comes at us fast. Marriage, babies, elderly parents with illness or death, moving around a lot — sometimes on short notice or being deployed overseas, losing jobs and career as I follow my husband.

It seems that we’ve done it all.

Some years, we test really high on the stress index. It’s been a roller coaster of fifteen years and counting.

You can take this ACE quiz to find out if you experienced the kind of childhood adversity that predisposes you to toxic stress.

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

We are fortunate to have four very resilient kids.

Children may be at special risk from the stress of military life.

Living with high stress almost all the time can mirror symptoms of ADHD and PTSD (post-traumatic syndrome disorder). Behavioral and emotional issues can arise from living in perpetual flight or fight mode. It feels like constant anxiety.

Stress that Affects Military Families:

Permanent Change of Station orders (PCS)

Military life involves moving frequently. Moving is always stressful, even if it’s desired and exciting. There’s just so much to do.

Kids can get lost in the shuffle of organizing and packing, traveling and unpacking.

Taking some time to comfort and explain the moving process to kids helps them to work through their emotions. There’s a lot involved in preparing for a PCS. We each process our grief in different ways when leaving a new place and starting over.

We like to give our kids little jobs to help them own the process and feel more in control during this tumultuous time.

We purge our household goods every few years before each move and have the kids help, sorting through things they’ve outgrown. They can label their toys and choose which ones to take in their backpacks. They can put personalized stickers on their room’s boxes to easily recognize them for unloading and unpacking. They get to arrange and decorate their rooms in the new house.

Deployment

Having a parent leave for months at a time is stressful on a family.

It can be dangerous for the deployed spouse, depending on his job and location.

Communication is often sporadic – and never seems available when we need it.

Anything that can go wrong seems to go wrong during deployment – injury, illness, flood, cats dying, car trouble.

Helping kids through this difficult time is a priority.

We gave our young kids pillows with pictures of Dad during our first deployment. He recorded a little book that they looked at and listened to often.

The time difference is always an issue. We have a clock labeled with the time where Dad is located. We have a countdown calendar that I printed for our youngest to mark off each day that Dad is away.

The kids each have their own iPad minis, and they often message or video-chat with Dad now that they’re older.

It’s hard to balance events of home life when I’m basically acting as a single mom to four kids. They rely on me and each other, and there’s no one to help.

Sometimes, it’s lonely and a struggle. Weekends and holidays just suck.

Homecoming is also stressful.

The expectations just don’t match the reality.

We’re not really into posters and balloons and warm fuzzy videos.

We do get to meet him at the airplane gate: That’s a perk. He’s tired and greasy from maybe 24 hours or more of travel. We’re excited but feel trepidation for the reintegration process.

I feel that any joyful moments are stolen from us when commanders and coworkers arrive at the airport baggage claim to welcome him home. There’s no privacy. I hate feeling like all eyes are on me, observing my reactions too closely. We probably don’t look or feel happy enough. We’re all running on adrenaline.

At that point, we just stand aside, uncomfortable and awkward as the military members surround him to share their understanding of the deployment.

We feel lost and forgotten.

It can take weeks to get back to a routine and used to each other again. The kids don’t know whether to smother him or ignore him. Life has gone on for months in his absence. The kids and I have all shared it, and we have our little memories and private jokes.

Friendships

Maintaining close friendships is difficult with military life.

We’ve learned to jump in and try to meet people as soon as we arrive at a new location. We don’t have time to waste when we’re at a base for only two to four years.

We are transient, third culture people, and we are too quickly forgotten by friends and acquaintances once we move away.

Many people don’t understand military life and don’t want to invest in a temporary friendship.

It always hurts to be forgotten, and we sometimes build up a wall around our hearts so we’re not hurt. I’m saddened to see this in my kids as they grow up. They’re self-reliant and have few friends.

School and Activities

Kids experience stress with school and activities, and it just compounds when they have to find new ones every few years.

My kids show talent with sports, music, art, and other activities…but it’s hard to find new teachers and coaches every few years.

There’s no continuity.

Church shopping is no fun, either. We’ve all but given up on finding anywhere welcoming.

Retirement

So many unknowns loom during the end of a military career.

Lots of decisions have to be made in a short time period.

When the kids are still young and living at home, we want to include them and their needs in the process of retirement. We want them to feel safe, comfortable, and happy with where we choose to retire and settle down.

When nowhere and everywhere is home, finding somewhere to settle for good is just scary.

Military life has its benefits. We are perhaps more thankful for our freedoms and don’t take them for granted. The stresses we experience as a military family are just our life.

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