Maintaining Attachment During Deployment

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October 7, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 10 Comments

Military life is often very stressful for kids.

Deployments are especially hard on families.

When a parent is absent, kids often feel lost and will find an alternative attachment to replace the missing parent. This makes reintegration that much more difficult.

John Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:

Proximity Maintenance – The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
Safe Haven – Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
Secure Base – The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
Separation Distress – Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

It’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain attachment to the child.

It often falls to the spouse at home to accomodate or encourage attachment opportunities with the deployed member, but that doesn’t maintain the strong attachment as well as when the absent parent makes the effort. Of course, this might take lots of advance planning if the deployment occurs in a place where communication is very limited or the locale and situation is very dangerous or top secret.

It’s very painful to return home from a lonely and dangerous deployment to children who act like they don’t remember, don’t care, or would rather he’d stayed away.

It’s difficult to make amends with or collect children who become peer-attached or other-attached during the parent’s absence.

A deployed service member wants a warm homecoming to the much-missed spouse, and that requires maintaining attachment throughout the absence. It’s no different, and perhaps more important, to maintain a strong attachment with children.

It’s different at every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Farewell and welcome ceremonies are important to set the stage for a difficult time for the whole family.

Explaining expectations to kids is important.

We accompany dad to the airplane gate to say goodbye and wave the plane away.

We try to plan something fun and distracting the afternoon Dad leaves.

We meet him again at the airplane gate to welcome him home. This is even more special now than before 9/11 when everyone could meet loved ones at gates.

We try to give Dad space when he returns home since he’s really tired and stressed from several days of travel.

Maintaining Attachment with Kids

Most children are very susceptible to sensory stimulation that reminds them of the absent parent. Even during very short separations, the familiarity of touch, voice, smell, and sight helps kids overcome their discomfort of absence.

Some useful techniques for parents to help their children bridge unavoidable separation include giving the child pictures or pillows of themselves, special jewelry or lockets to wear, notes to read or have read to them, scheduling phone, text, or video calls at appointed times, recordings of their voice on books, or with special songs or messages, something with their smell on it for the child to hold on to when apart – like a stuffed toy or blanket or Tshirt, gifts to be opened or delivered at special times.

I frequently showed my son a photo book when he was a baby during our first deployment. The kids often looked through photos of our lovely memories traveling and holidays and other events.

Another way of keeping connected is by giving a child a sense of where a parent is when not with her. When a parent is away on a trip, set something up so she can follow the travels on a map. Physical absence is much easier to endure when one is able to locate the other in time and space.

For the first deployment, I set up a wall clock with “Daddy time” to show what time it was in Afghanistan. We set up the clock app on their iPads with “Doha time” so the kids knew what time it was during the second deployment.

We may need to enlist the help of others to keep the deployed member present in the child’s mind when absent. Ask friends, relatives, or other caregiving adults to talk to the child about the deployed member in a friendly way, to help him imagine what the parent might be up to at certain times, to show him pictures that will evoke for him pleasant memories. Share special meals and special occasions with extended family and friends and speak warmly of the absent parent.

We tried to schedule special dinners and celebrations during videochat so it was like we all together.

sources: Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gabor Maté, MD, and Gordon Neufeld

The continuum concept is an idea coined by Jean Liedloff in her 1975 book The Continuum Concept, that human beings have an innate set of expectations that our evolution as a species has designed us to meet in order to achieve optimal physical, mental, and emotional development and adaptability.

It’s important to maintain this continuum for and with the child until he or she expresses the healthy need for independence. Deployments and other traumatizing events disrupt this natural gradation of individuation.

I emailed and texted frequently with photos, milestones, and special events of the kids so Dad could talk to them about these things on chat and video call.

I created photo book gifts of everything Dad missed on his deployments so he can share the memories too.

All this helps bridge the gaps in attachment so everyone maintains a feeling of closeness even though he’s far away in proximity.

How do you maintain attachment with a parent who’s far away?

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How Deployment Affects Kids

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November 26, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

Our first deployment, the kids were young.

Our kids were 9, 4 1/2, 3 1/2, and 9 1/2 months.

He left for Kandahar, Afghanistan, in mid-January. I was all alone in Utah – far from family, and friends were almost non-existent.

I’m pretty self-sufficient.

Sure, I had some bad days.

We had a blizzard. I burned the garlic toast one night at dinner. We had a basement flood on Memorial Day.

Overall, we did well, considering.

Our second deployment, the kids are older.

They’re 18, 12, 11, and 8.

It’s so different, but not necessarily easier.

As a homeschooling mom of 4, deployment can be lonely and difficult at times. We have no help – no family nearby, no support system. We are self-reliant. I am an introvert.

I simplify for sanity some days, or even weeks. Sometimes, I buy storebought baked goods, rotisserie chickens for dinner, canned biscuits, and these new natural Lunchables. My time is valued and these shortcuts help us a lot when life gets hectic. We’ve even gone out to eat a few times!

Cutting corners is fine. I have to give myself a break.

I don’t want to drive 4 kids all over town every day or all weekend. I limit errands and activities to save time and money and yes, it’s hard to say no sometimes. I have to judge what’s the best use of our time and money. I can’t be in two places at once. We participate in activities together as much as possible – art lessons, classes at our local craft stores, rec sports at the same park.

Bedtime is earlier. After dinner, I’m just spent. I want to take a bubble bath and lie in bed watching Netflix with my cats.

My kids are older now and they can help a lot more around the house. The kids understand. I use Facebook Messenger Kids to remind them to load the dishwasher.

Holidays can be different. We don’t have to eat turkey at Thanksgiving. We can celebrate Christmas on a different, more convenient, day. We can eat a picnic in the living room with the TV on.

We maintain routines as much as possible for our comfort and my sanity.

We pray and read and cook and eat. We get outside and exercise almost every day, no matter the weather. We snuggle and love the cats.

We allow the tears and sadness because it’s healthy to express all emotions.

How Does Deployment Affect Kids?

Most people think deployment must just be really hard and negative for families. While there are certainly sad times, I think deployment can help families grow stronger.

Infants

My son didn’t much seem to notice anything different. I was his primary caretaker and that didn’t change. If he noticed or wondered why Dad wasn’t home evenings or weekends all of a sudden, he couldn’t communicate that question.

My son was mostly oblivious to everything during the first deployment. It was just regular life for him. Of course, he picked up on my emotions and stress. It seemed like Dad missed so much – his first steps and his first birthday. So much growth.

It was a little awkward with the homecoming and he sorta remembered Dad, but it took a little while for them to get comfortable with each other again.

Toddlers

Kids in this age group are not known for flexibility or handling change well. I think it’s hard to explain something complex like deployment to small children.

They wonder if he’s coming back, if he’ll be safe or get hurt. They develop abandonment issues. They become very clingy. It’s hard for them to express emotions and handle stress.

My youngest daughter was and is pretty independent and I don’t think she was too concerned about Dad being gone, but she wasn’t really able to process or express anything about it.

I kept the kids on a routine to help us all adjust more easily.

Preschoolers

It was so super hard on my middle daughter during the first deployment. She pretty much slept in my bed the entire time Dad was gone. She struggled with abandonment feelings. She struggled with middle child issues. She couldn’t process her emotions nor express her fears. She’s always been our sensitive one.

It helped her to grow. She’s strong now as a 12 year old and amazes me every day as my helper in all things.

Elementary

My eldest daughter has always had to be strong for her siblings, and sometimes even for me. She’s had to be responsible from a very young age. She was a huge help during the first deployment.

My 8 year old son is feeling it hardest for this second deployment. He’s gotten better into a routine now that we’re about halfway through. There are lonely times for him as the only boy in a houseful of girls. I help him use his time serving, helping, and learning.

He misses his Dad.

Tweens

My middle girls at age 11 and 12 are pretty indifferent about this second deployment. They chat and FaceTime with Dad frequently and they don’t really feel (or don’t express) the distance. They send him photos on email and chat and create drawings for the care packages we send. Maybe they’re just well adjusted and accepting.

Teens

My eldest is now eighteen, and fairly independent. She still relies on me for advice and help, especially during crises. She hasn’t taken her driving test yet for her license yet.

But sometimes, she thinks she knows everything. She’s not very affected by the deployment. She helps at home and works with me on schedules so I can do everything we need to do. I know she’s angry and wishes her life had been different.

Don’t we all have regrets? Military life has its ups and downs but we’ve had amazing opportunities. She realizes this, but sometimes feels disappointment at our lack of roots.

She’s learning valuable lessons about fidelity, duty, love, and relationships.

It’s different at every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Military life builds resilience, flexibility, independence, value, and perspective.

I’m making memories with these kids – who are living for 8ish months without a father, except on FaceTime, messenger, and email. I have to make it as special and good as possible. I do try to hide my negative emotions and I try never, ever, to lash out at them when I’m stressed. I don’t want Dad to only hear about problems. He needs to be part of the joy and celebration too, so he doesn’t feel he’s missing so much.

After close to a year apart, we have to learn each other again.

Yes, it’s hard sometimes.

They know we’re in this together.

You might also like My Tips for Surviving Motherhood During Deployment.

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Military Children and Toxic Stress

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October 13, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

This post is done in partnership with Stress Health, an initiative of the Center for Youth Wellness, but the opinions expressed are my own.

For military children, toxic stress can be an ongoing threat.

I know there have been seasons when we’ve been under extreme stress, and I’ve done all I can to alleviate it to keep our family on an even keel. Sometimes, it’s just so hard.

Life comes at us fast. Marriage, babies, elderly parents with illness or death, moving around a lot — sometimes on short notice or being deployed overseas, losing jobs and career as I follow my husband.

It seems that we’ve done it all.

Some years, we test really high on the stress index. It’s been a roller coaster of fifteen years and counting.

You can take this ACE quiz to find out if you experienced the kind of childhood adversity that predisposes you to toxic stress.

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

We are fortunate to have four very resilient kids.

Children may be at special risk from the stress of military life.

Living with high stress almost all the time can mirror symptoms of ADHD and PTSD (post-traumatic syndrome disorder). Behavioral and emotional issues can arise from living in perpetual flight or fight mode. It feels like constant anxiety.

Stress that Affects Military Families:

Permanent Change of Station orders (PCS)

Military life involves moving frequently. Moving is always stressful, even if it’s desired and exciting. There’s just so much to do.

Kids can get lost in the shuffle of organizing and packing, traveling and unpacking.

Taking some time to comfort and explain the moving process to kids helps them to work through their emotions. There’s a lot involved in preparing for a PCS. We each process our grief in different ways when leaving a new place and starting over.

We like to give our kids little jobs to help them own the process and feel more in control during this tumultuous time.

We purge our household goods every few years before each move and have the kids help, sorting through things they’ve outgrown. They can label their toys and choose which ones to take in their backpacks. They can put personalized stickers on their room’s boxes to easily recognize them for unloading and unpacking. They get to arrange and decorate their rooms in the new house.

Deployment

Having a parent leave for months at a time is stressful on a family.

It can be dangerous for the deployed spouse, depending on his job and location.

Communication is often sporadic – and never seems available when we need it.

Anything that can go wrong seems to go wrong during deployment – injury, illness, flood, cats dying, car trouble.

Helping kids through this difficult time is a priority.

We gave our young kids pillows with pictures of Dad during our first deployment. He recorded a little book that they looked at and listened to often.

The time difference is always an issue. We have a clock labeled with the time where Dad is located. We have a countdown calendar that I printed for our youngest to mark off each day that Dad is away.

The kids each have their own iPad minis, and they often message or video-chat with Dad now that they’re older.

It’s hard to balance events of home life when I’m basically acting as a single mom to four kids. They rely on me and each other, and there’s no one to help.

Sometimes, it’s lonely and a struggle. Weekends and holidays just suck.

Homecoming is also stressful.

The expectations just don’t match the reality.

We’re not really into posters and balloons and warm fuzzy videos.

We do get to meet him at the airplane gate: That’s a perk. He’s tired and greasy from maybe 24 hours or more of travel. We’re excited but feel trepidation for the reintegration process.

I feel that any joyful moments are stolen from us when commanders and coworkers arrive at the airport baggage claim to welcome him home. There’s no privacy. I hate feeling like all eyes are on me, observing my reactions too closely. We probably don’t look or feel happy enough. We’re all running on adrenaline.

At that point, we just stand aside, uncomfortable and awkward as the military members surround him to share their understanding of the deployment.

We feel lost and forgotten.

It can take weeks to get back to a routine and used to each other again. The kids don’t know whether to smother him or ignore him. Life has gone on for months in his absence. The kids and I have all shared it, and we have our little memories and private jokes.

Friendships

Maintaining close friendships is difficult with military life.

We’ve learned to jump in and try to meet people as soon as we arrive at a new location. We don’t have time to waste when we’re at a base for only two to four years.

We are transient, third culture people, and we are too quickly forgotten by friends and acquaintances once we move away.

Many people don’t understand military life and don’t want to invest in a temporary friendship.

It always hurts to be forgotten, and we sometimes build up a wall around our hearts so we’re not hurt. I’m saddened to see this in my kids as they grow up. They’re self-reliant and have few friends.

School and Activities

Kids experience stress with school and activities, and it just compounds when they have to find new ones every few years.

My kids show talent with sports, music, art, and other activities…but it’s hard to find new teachers and coaches every few years.

There’s no continuity.

Church shopping is no fun, either. We’ve all but given up on finding anywhere welcoming.

Retirement

So many unknowns loom during the end of a military career.

Lots of decisions have to be made in a short time period.

When the kids are still young and living at home, we want to include them and their needs in the process of retirement. We want them to feel safe, comfortable, and happy with where we choose to retire and settle down.

When nowhere and everywhere is home, finding somewhere to settle for good is just scary.

Military life has its benefits. We are perhaps more thankful for our freedoms and don’t take them for granted. The stresses we experience as a military family are just our life.

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What My Military Kids Have Taught Me

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April 2, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 16 Comments

My eldest hates moving around. She longs for stability, long-term friendships, roots, a home, belonging.

A small part of me understands, but I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. I grew up in the same house for my first 16 years, and the same state for 29 years. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

Military life can be stressful, especially for children. There are a lot of unknowns and that’s scary. Deployments, TDYs, PCSes all add to the instability.

It’s always a conundrum when people innocently ask, “So, where are you from?” Do we answer where we were born, where we’re currently living, where our home of record is, or where our favorite “heart home” is?

Most kids don’t have to learn to say goodbye so often.

Change can be so hard.

I don’t like the term “military brat.” I think it has a negative connotation. I realize it’s an acronym: Born, Raised, And Trained. Or for the UK military: British Regiment Attached Traveler.

Kids are never brats. Children are always good. Many behavior issues arise from circumstances and environment. That’s important to realize as a military family.

Military BRAT poem

The official flower of the military child is the dandelion. Why? The plant puts down roots almost anywhere, and it’s almost impossible to destroy. It’s an unpretentious plant, yet good looking. It’s a survivor in a broad range of climates. Military children bloom everywhere the winds carry them. They are hardy and upright. Their roots are strong, cultivated deeply in the culture of the military, planted swiftly and surely. They’re ready to fly in the breezes that take them to new adventures, new lands, and new friends.

My military kids are amazing.

They put up with so much with so few complaints.

How Military Life Prepares Kids for Success in Life:

Resilience and Flexibility

They’re able to adapt brilliantly to different circumstances with joy and ease and contentment. I wish I could say the same for myself! They don’t show their disappointment as much as I do. When our extension was denied, then granted, then denied after all, they took it all in stride and were great examples to me in my meltdown. They look to the positive at every duty station we have lived at, and are (almost) always optimistic!

Independence

They know we have to jump in headfirst. The kids organize their rooms for packouts. They set up their rooms in new places. They pack their suitcases and backpacks for travel. They run through a new neighborhood, looking for the playground to make new friends. They are eager to get involved at a new church and find their place in our new community.

Value

They realize the importance of intangible things like travel experiences and fishing trips with Dad before he deploys. They appreciate their friends, even if for only a season. They cherish our unique experiences and the special memories we make. Stuff is just baggage to be packed up and moved every few years. They know not to hold on too tightly to things.

Perspective

Their attitudes and points of view are broader for having lived in so many different places and for traveling so extensively. They have so many memories of neato experiences. Our family has inside jokes and memories that are so unique to our military lifestyle!

It’s easy to look on the downside of military life with its stresses and separations. But I can’t allow myself to do that very often. I have to maintain a brave face and stay positive to be a role model for my kids.

I realize that I am not in control. We don’t get much say in where we live or when we move. Deployments and TDYS and special tasks pop up suddenly and interfere with plans, with our lives. We can only adapt, stay positive, and pray.

My children appreciate their experiences, even with its ups and downs. For us, it’s just life.

Deployments put us in survival mode.

Goodbyes can be very sad and scary.

We’re due for another deployment this year.

PCS time can be exhausting and stressful for all of us.

Long travel and wait times, sometimes in the middle of the night.

Walking into the unknown as we make our way to a new living situation is scary.

My military kids have taught me a lot about life.

There are lots of books out there now for military families.

Some of these are not necessarily about military life or military families, but they’re super helpful during deployment, TDY, PCS, or any other time that books can comfort military kids.

Great Books for Military Families:

Third Culture Kids by David C. Pollack
The Kissing Hand Books by Audry Penn
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Night Catch by Brenda Ehrmantraut
All Those Secrets of the World by Jane Yolen
While You Are Away by Eileen Spinelli
Deployment by Julia Cook
While You Were Gone…A Writing and Drawing Deployment Journal for Kids
The Fathers Are Coming Home by Margaret Wise Brown
Lovely Books by Nancy Tillman
Where Do the Tears Go? by Doris Burd
The Wishing Tree by Mary Redman
The Magic Box: When Parents Can’t Be There to Tuck You In by Marty Sederman
This Is Where You Belong: Finding Home Wherever You Are by Melody Warnick
Almost There: Searching for Home in a Life on the Move by Bekah DiFelice
Mission in San Antonio by Melissa Cook
A Look Back in Time: Memoir of a Military Kid in the Fifties by Bernard N. Lee, Jr.
Extraordinary Military Kids: A Workbook for and about Military Kids by Megan Numbers
Deployment: Strategies for Working with Kids in Military Families by Karen Petty
H Is for Honor: A Millitary Family Alphabet by Devin Scillian

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Homeschooling Where the Military Sends Us

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September 21, 2017 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

Homeschooling and the military life work well for us.

We all love lists, so…

5 reasons why we love homeschooling and military life.

1. We don’t have to be on any particular PCS rotation.

A majority of PCSes take place during summer to coincide with school transfers. We don’t have to worry about that. It makes our lives easier that we don’t have to stress about school. We can take a break or “school” on the road. Occasionally, we just have a longer time to travel to our next destination.

2. That whole “You Get to See the World” thing.

I met my husband in Georgia, where I grew up. We spent a couple years in San Antonio, Texas. While we didn’t have much time there to see the sites (and I was pregnant the whole time), we did get to visit some amazing landmarks like the Alamo and Riverwalk and some beautiful country. We ate well of all sorts of amazing Mexican foods. It was divine. Then we got to live in Hawaii for three tough years. I know, but somebody has to do it! We got to see a volcano and gorgeous mountains and beaches. We went snorkeling and birdwatching. We had flora galore to inspect while we lived there. It was predominantly a different culture, and we loved it! We loved all the food, oh my. Malasadas, manapuas, poke, shave ice, and amazing rice served everywhere – even at Burger King! In Utah…we weren’t into the whole winter sports thing, but we enjoyed camping. Germany opened up so many travel opportunities and we were so thankful to see much of Europe.

3. You get a whole new perspective on missions.

Georgia is in the Bible Belt. After I married, we didn’t stay there long. Then we moved to Texas, still the Bible Belt…not that there weren’t missions opportunities, but we didn’t hear The Call. We were busy surviving. While in Hawaii, we were in the minority in both race and religion. Many Buddhists, LDS, and other non-believers live there. We attended a very missions-conscious Independent Baptist church. Then in Utah, I felt that we were there primarily to be a light in a sea of darkness. I met so many lost souls, both Mormon and not, who are just so turned off to anything resembling church. Germany has a very Christian culture, but few participate in church or have faith. We recently moved to Ohio and found an amazing church home. It breaks my heart to see hurting people. But an amazing thing occurs in the hearts of my children. I see them become aware of others who need Jesus.

4. You become family when there is none near.

Some of my husband’s military co-workers and their families have become our greatest advocates and friends. Others have come alongside us in our times of need when we weren’t able to fly home or have family visit us. In Hawaii, it’s a long way to fly to the mainland, so we often shared holiday meals with other families rather than spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter alone. We traveled over US holidays in Europe. And when you meet someone and realize they’re either currently active duty or retired, there is an immediate connection and camaraderie and mutual respect. And this attitude helps my children to see that we’re all one big family in Christ and that we rely on each other and help each other.

5. My kids learn respect.

I grew up as an Army brat. My dad was a Chief Warrant Officer. My grandfather was a Chief Petty Officer in the Navy. I married an Air Force officer. I never knew any other kind of life. My kids don’t know any other way of life.

They don’t know what it’s like not to have full medical coverage. If we have any tiny little ailment, we can get a same-day appointment at the clinic and get it checked out and receive a prescription at no additional cost. We can get referrals to specialists. We have ER care for urgent situations. It’s a blessing, for sure. {And I know some military wives who find something to complain about this concept…smh}

We shop tax-free at the BX and commissaries (which came in mighty handy in Hawaii where prices are exorbitant!). We get discounts at many stores as thanks for my husband’s service to our country. And my kids learn how good they have it when many struggle so much for these basics that we often take for granted.

But occasionally, Daddy has to go TDY for a long time or deploy for many months to someplace we’ve only heard of on TV and seen online. It gets lonely and we fear for his safety. We pray and Skype and get upset when he misses birthdays and milestones.

But we understand why the separation is necessary. We’re oh, so proud that he is serving to protect our freedoms that most of the world doesn’t enjoy. We tear up during the national anthem and when we see eagles and Clydesdales in commercials. We get a thrill when the boom of F-16s tears apart the sky over our heads. It’s the sound of freedom. So many take our liberties for granted or abuse the idea of freedom. We’re not nationalistic and we understand a lot about the wider world and where the USA fits into the scheme of politics. We rush to express our gratitude and shake hands with wrinkled old veterans in their faded uniforms, handing out little paper poppies on Armistice Day. We met a WWII veteran in Normandy and were thrilled to listen to his story. The sound of Taps being played for any reason chokes us up while at the same time warming our hearts that a soldier/airmen/sailor/Marine/coastman has done his ultimate duty.

My kids learn about respect and duty more than most. They are entitled to nothing. Everything that our family receives is a privilege that we don’t necessarily deserve, but that is paid for by the military service of their father and my husband, also our grandfathers and my father. While we don’t necessarily agree with many of our country’s politics, world policy, military presence in many countries, or any war, we cannot vocalize that in protest.

We pray that no military member ever pays the ultimate price for those privileges. But we understand that necessity and very real possibility and we have extreme respect for all military service members – past, present, and future.

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Homeschooling as a Military Family

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March 28, 2017 By Jennifer Lambert 19 Comments

Families decide to homeschool their children for so many different reasons: academics, extra-curricular activities, special needs, allergies, religion, and more all bring families to the decision to homeschool.

Who homeschools?

Homeschooling families are as diverse as our United States military families!

According to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), in 2012, there were an estimated 1.8 million homeschooled students in the United States, and those numbers are increasing!

Many families homeschool temporarily for various reasons and some families are in it for the long haul.

Why homeschool in the military?

Transitions

Many military families find PCS season easier without having to deal with school transfer paperwork. Who wants more paperwork?

Different standards in each state can make it difficult for children transferring between school districts. With homeschooling, fewer credits are missed because it is a more cohesive transition if parents are in control. Many parents also complain of “gaps” in education standards in the states where they’ve lived.

Flexibility

Instead of worrying about school break schedules and half-days, homeschoolers can travel whenever they want or take time off from book work to spend more time with a soon-to-be deployed or returning parent.

Opportunity

Homeschoolers receive a “real world” education, especially in military families, since we often have the opportunity to live in or travel to so many interesting places around the world! We learn to be more culturally aware. We are third culture families! We’re often “road schooling” so we can see the places we’re learning about in our homeschool.

Homeschooling can be done anywhere, anytime.

What you need to know:

Homeschool families in CONUS locations must abide by the state law where you live (not your sponsor’s state of residency) which may include submitting an “intent to homeschool” letter or form, providing standardized test scores, assessments, portfolios, curricula titles, attendance records, and more annually.

You could be penalized for truancy or worse if you don’t comply.

Know the law and your rights.

For OCONUS locations, homeschool families do not have to report or submit anything to anyone, but it is recommended (not required) to mention it to the sponsor’s commander. Realize that homeschooling is often illegal for local citizens in host countries, so it is good to know your rights under the SOFA agreement. And it’s also nice to be respectful of daytime hours when neighbors might question your or your kids.

It is advisable to keep good records of homeschool documents in case of PCS to a state with stricter policy – or the possibility of future enrollment into public, private, or DoD schools. You just never know what the future may hold.

What about socialization?

Homeschoolers are not all stuck in little closets, reading quantum physics, rebuilding computers, composing symphonies, or hacking into secure servers.

Socialization is a concern, especially for many parents beginning homeschooling. We worry about isolation and how our children will be able to interact with others in a healthy way.

School environments cannot recreate natural socialization within controlled age-segregated institutions.

We’ve discovered many unique opportunities to socialize!

Libraries offer all kinds of fun: storytime, crafts, clubs, games, classes, contests. Ask your librarian to plan homeschool events!

Our children have always taken music lessons from amazing teachers in our community.

My kids participate in gymnastics, soccer, track, and baseball. There are many sports opportunities within most communities.

We attend church frequently where our children interact with so many different people of all ages.

Volunteering is a great opportunity for homeschoolers who have a flexible schedule. My teen daughter works at our installation hospital twice a week. She is certified with the Red Cross and loves it!

My teenage daughter is also a member of a local drama troupe where she performs with many amateur thespians of all ages in our community.

We are members of a local homeschooling organization that holds art shows, science and geography fairs, co-op classes led by parents, talent shows, field trips, holiday parties, and special events. We can participate as much or as little as we want.

Many homeschoolers are involved in Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts or similar extra-curricular activities.

My eldest daughter has participated in Civil Air Patrol since she was 12 years old.

Even shopping, medical appointments, and dining out is educational. It’s a learning experience to interact with and be courteous to store clerks, cashiers, nurses, wait staff, and other patrons.

We as homeschool parents get to choose our children’s socialization…who they associate with and what they spend their time doing.

Our attitudes and experiences impart knowledge to our kids.

What if you can’t (or don’t want to) teach something?

I am so lucky that I am the English and history expert and my husband is the math and science guy. Together, we can tackle almost anything our kids want to learn, even the tougher high school courses.

But what if you don’t want to teach writing or algebra gives you hives?

Many homeschool classes are offered online! Lots of companies provide classes especially for homeschoolers.

Private tutors are an available resource, both online and locally. Many local and DoD libraries offer free or reduced educational services.

You can check for local co-op classes. If there is nothing available in your area to suit your family’s needs, ask other parents to help you create a course! There are probably other parents in need of your skills who can offer their expertise.

Homeschoolers can enroll part-time in many local or DoD schools for academics, electives, or extra-curricular activities. Just speak to the school office for procedure.

What about high school and beyond?

We are navigating this right now and it’s both scary and exciting!

It’s important to keep good records.

Calculate high school credits and complete a transcript.

Prepare for the ACT or SAT.

Complete paperwork for financial aid, applications, scholarships.

Visit college or job fairs.

Homeschool high school doesn’t have to look like traditional school.

Coach your homeschooled students well for after high school – no matter if that’s work, college, a gap year, or whatever.

Whether it’s for a semester or 12+ years, homeschooling is an educational option many military families all over the world choose for their children.

Homeschooling is the hardest job you will ever love.

Resources:

The Homeschool Foundation assists military homeschool families who struggle financially to meet their children’s educational needs.
The Homeschool Association for Military Families is a group advocating for military families to be allowed to choose one location (a family home state) and a set of laws to follow throughout a child’s education. I think that’s great!
Get a starter kit from the Home School Association for Military Families.
Remember: You can get military and teacher discounts at many stores! Check with curricula providers, bookstores, services, and stores for military and teacher discounts.

Homeschool Support Groups:

Military Homeschoolers (Worldwide)
Military Homeschoolers Overseas
Secular Homeschoolers

OCONUS Homeschool Support Groups:

There are lots of groups for each installation. Ask or do an online search to find one near you!

United Homeschoolers of Germany (KMC, Germany)
KMC Christian Homeschoolers (KMC, Germany)
KMC Inclusive Homeschool Group (KMC, Germany)
Eifel Homeschool Group (Spangdahlem, Germany)
Grafenwoehr and Vilseck Homeschoolers and Facebook Group (Germany)
Sigonella Homeschoolers (Italy)
Naples Homeschooling (Italy)
Naples Christian Homeschooling (Italy)
L.I.F.E. Homeschool Group – Lakenheath and Mildenhall (UK)
Okinawa Homeschool Group
Seoul Homeschool Group

Let me know if there’s a group where you live that I don’t have on my list!

Book Resources:

The Well-Trained Mind: A Guide to Classical Education at Home by Susan Wise Bauer
Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv
Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn
The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl
Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting by Pamela Druckerman
How Children Learn by John Holt
Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life by Peter Gray
Balanced and Barefoot: How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident, and Capable Children by Angela J. Hanscom
Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids by Kim John Payne
Free-Range Kids: How Parents and Teachers Can Let Go and Let Grow by Lenore Skenazy
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté
The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté

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Preparing Kids for a PCS

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August 25, 2016 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

Moving is stressful for anyone, but especially so for children.

PCS is a huge change, whether it’s the first or the fifth.

PCS=Permanent Change of Station, even though it seems temporary – usually only 2-4 years!

According to the DOD, the average military child moves 6 to 9 times between kindergarten and high school graduation.

Military families relocate 10 times more often than civilian families – on average, every 2 to 4 years.

That’s a roller-coaster!

Moving is more stressful than divorce.

Think about that.

How can we make the moving transition easier on our kids?

Prepare

As soon as you know a PCS is coming up, start preparing the kids for the transition.

Talk about it, explain that you’ll have to pack up everything you own and move to a new home.

Even though it could take a few more months to receive actual orders, it’s important to start the conversation so that kids can prepare their hearts and minds for the changes.

Discuss purging items and having a yard sale. I have a PCS checklist you can download!

Educate

Start reading about moving. Show your child what to expect.

Learn about your new location as soon as you know where you’re going. Research the area, school opportunities, activities, church, day trip ideas.

It’s exciting to move to a new town and explore all it has to offer!

There’s an app from Sesame Street: The Big Moving Adventure, available from iTunes, Amazon, and Google Play. I have a book list at the end of the post for you!

Listen

Pay attention to your kids’ needs. Listen to their complaints and concerns.

Moving is never easy and it might be very difficult for kids to leave their friends, school, activities.

Babies and toddlers have a hard time understanding. Teens might rebel.

Try to handle disappoint well. If you’re upset about where you’re going, the kids will internalize that and have bad feelings about their new locale – and you’re stuck with it for a few years!

Every location has benefits. We’ve PCSed to some places not on our list and we made the best of it.

We also knew people who hated living in Hawaii and Germany, so there’s that.

Prayer does wonders!

Celebrate

Have a farewell party to say goodbyes.

Give your child a job to do during packing out and moving in so they feel like a valuable part of the process.

Do something silly and fun like having a pizza picnic on the empty floor after packing out, or sleeping on an air mattress the last night. You can repeat this on the other end!

Let your child pack a few treasures for comfort during travel.

Try to stay at cool hotels if possible during travel to your new location.

Start out at the new location with new traditions.

Let your child choose something for his or her new room, within reason and budget – new bedding, a paint color for an accent wall, a collectible, a new rug or picture.

Keep in Touch

With today’s technology, it’s easier than ever to keep in touch with friends from around the world.

Make it easy with your children and their friends with social media or free email accounts. There’s Skype and Facetime too.

I know some families who even plan vacations back to visit friends or somewhere in between to meet every year.

Get Help

It’s an added stress to have little ones underfoot during packing out and moving. Enlist a trusted teen or adult friend to help keep little kids occupied in the backyard, with a video in a corner, or even taking them out to get ice cream or to the park. This gives them a break from the tediousness of packing and protects them from getting in the way. Then you get to focus on the task at hand.

Put aside big changes during a move. Don’t potty-train or wean babies during this stressful time. Schedules go out the window.

Get Kids Settled ASAP

Get kids’ rooms back in order as soon as possible to make the transition easier on them. Familiar blankets and toys will help them feel comfortable in a new home.

Then work on the kitchen and common spaces – with the necessary items you need immediately.

Find fun new places to explore and meet new friends! Let your child lead you in her time. We have a couple very social, outgoing kids and two who are more reserved and quiet.

Look at moving as an adventure! Happiness is contagious and the kids will catch that mood if you show it.

Linking up: Sandy’s POV, Curly Crafty Mom, The Mrs. Tee, Written Reality, Blogghetti, Life of Faith, Mary Andering Creatively, Lori Schumaker, A Proverbs 31 Wife, Denise Designed, Pam’s Party and Practical Tips, A Fresh Start, Inspiration for Moms, Darling Downs Diaries, Missional Women, Modest Mom, Moms the Word, Rich Faith Rising, Sarah Celebrates, Southern Beauty Guide, VMG206, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Holly Barrett, Crystal Storms, Wife Mommy Me, W2W Ministries, Holley Gerth, Jamiffer, Adventures of Mel, The Natural Homeschool, Hip Homeschool Moms, Jaime Wiebel, Christian Blogger Community, Messy Marriage, Pat and Candy, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Women with Intention, Frog’s Lilypad, 3DLessons4Life, I Choose Life, Moms are Frugal, Year Round Homeschooling, Penny’s Passion, Live Laugh Rowe, Katherine’s Corner, A Bountiful Love, Saving 4 Six, Create with Joy, Diary of a Real Housewife, Sincerely Paula, Life with Lorelai, A Kreative Whim, Organized 31, Juggling Real Food and Real Life, Happy and Blessed Home, Being a Wordsmith, Crafty Moms Share,

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PCS While Homeschooling

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November 2, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

I see this question a lot:

What is the bare minimum amount of homeschool material to take when we PCS in the middle of a school year?

PCSing While Homeschooling - What do we bring?

We usually PCS at the end of summer.

We have been left in the lurch a couple times when we didn’t receive our HHG until after all the homeschool group activities and co-op classes began. I never know if things are going to begin in July, August, or September in a new location!

Here is what we did when we PCSed in April, road tripped from Utah to Georgia, then flew to Germany – over a two-month period.

My kids were 4, 7, 8, and 13.

We don’t use a lot of electronics.

We focus on history and literature.

We hadn’t completed our studies yet for the year so we packed much of it up to take with us, especially since we had some long stretches of time in TLF in Utah on the leaving end and in Germany on the coming end.

We want to limit weight and bulk while bringing as much as we can carry!

We certainly wanted to keep up the basics – The Three R’s:

Reading, wRiting, and aRithmetic!

The kids each had a large backpack with their school things and personal items likes toys and coloring pages.

I loaded up eBooks on the kids’ (and my) iPad minis with the Kindle app. Our first priority was to get library cards at our new location!

My girls had journals to write down and draw about their experiences as we traveled. I also printed fun pages about the places we saw on our trip. They also packed their Logic of English workbooks.

I packed up the kids’ Singapore math workbooks, which fortunately are very lightweight.

Liz was doing Videotext Algebra, so we did work whenever she could get online to view a lesson. I printed some of the worksheets she needed and then emailed more to my husband to print.

I packed Alex’s All About Reading materials with a tiny dry erase board. It was probably the bulkiest item we brought on the trip, but it was worth it to keep him on schedule.

That little dry erase board came in handy for lessons with all the kids!

We did art projects on the fly!

See our Star Wars Angry Birds.

The girls also packed their science and notebooking journals.

I also brought along worldview study (we’re reviewing it!). That came in handy for read-aloud time to a captive audience in the car!

Another option if you have an address for the location you’re PCSing to, is to have some homeschool items mailed there early so it’s waiting upon your arrival.

What do you do when you PCS or move during the homeschool year?

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Challenges for Military Families Overseas

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October 13, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

While I am very thankful to be so fortunate to live overseas, it’s not always magical and fun.

We are a military family.

These are some challenges to our daily lives.

Were a Military Family-Challenges to Our Daily Lives

Personal freedom

While I was raised in a military family, it’s quite eye-opening to be a military family in a foreign country.

For personal safety, we are advised to remove stickers and emblems from our personal vehicles that could identify us as American.

My husband cannot wear his uniform off base. My daughter cannot wear her Civil Air Patrol uniform off base.

We don’t wear American sports or brand-ID clothing off base either.

We do our best to blend in.

So many Americans live in a bubble of ignorance and arrogance and protection in the big ole US of A, but getting unbiased news reports opens our eyes a bit here.

Postal service

We receive an APO mailbox that is located in my husband’s building. I can mail items through that office at US postal prices to US mailing addresses.

For receiving items, I have two choices:

When I place an online order, I can ship to my APO which is like a US postal address, but there are often long wait times. Items can be expedited for additional shipping charges. Sometimes, a company won’t ship an item to an APO. I have had to cut down my blog reviews for many items won’t ship here in a timely fashion or at all. Some stores often ship the cheapest way, which means on a boat and I could see the item in a couple months, maybe.

I can order locally and have items shipped to my home address. There are not so many items available to order here as in the USA and free shipping is not as common.

Internet and TV

This was the biggest shock to me.

We put our TV in storage rather than ship it with our household goods since it wasn’t something we wanted to pay for here. There are taxes and signal boxes that must be purchases and we don’t watch that mutch TV anyway.

It took 6 months to get Internet connected to our house. While we have the fastest connection of anyone we know, it is DSL and the bandwidth is shared among the neighbors in our village. So, in the evenings, it is rather slow and glitchy.

We use a VPN to connect to Amazon streaming and Netflix so we can watch movies and shows on our computers.

Paying for Stuff

We have US bank accounts that service military families. The clerks we contact with questions or problems don’t seem to understand that the rest of the world utilizes pin and chip cards for payment. Our non-chip check cards are seldom accepted at local stores and hardly ever when we travel, so we have to use ATMs for Euro cash before we leave. We’ve been having trouble using our check cards at the couple of local places that do take them as payment. Our bank tells us the company that issues the check cards have fraud alerts for any credit purchases over $50. We have called and spoken to the bank several times and argued to have the fraud alerts lifted. We have explained we need pin and chip cards. We have explained that we live in Germany and the stores only have machines that run check cards like credit cards. It’s so embarrassing to be at Globus or Real and ring up €130 in groceries to have our card denied. Shopping here can be challenging.

And then there’s the exchange rate that’s 24% higher on-base than off-base. The government justifies this as a convenience charge.

There are a few options for paying local utility bills since we live off-base. We have two banks on-base: Community Bank, run by Bank of America (and a completely different banking entity), and Service Credit Union. There are offices in the KMCC mall and several other convenient locations around the KMC military installations. Many ATMs are easily found on bases too. These banks communicate with local vendors and offer payments in Euro and USD. We opened a Community Bank account to pay rent, utilities, Internet, and cell phones. There is a $1 surcharge+exchange rate fees for online bill pay transactions. Many choose to get a completely local German bank to avoid all the extra fees. This is handy for those fluent in German or married to a local national. I wish we had researched and figured this out before banking with Community Bank.

Electricity

American electrical outlets are 110V. Most European electric outlets are 220V.

While we use transformers for some of our must-have kitchen appliances and adaptors for things like lamps, we have to be very careful with electricity here. It’s more expensive than what we’re used to paying. The electric company charges an average fee each month and then reconciles each year. We owed a lot last year, so we asked for our average to be raised accordingly so we’re not surprised again. We use our dishwasher and washer and dryer every day, often multiple times per day. We hang our clothing to dry, but I do put towels and underwear in the condenser dryer.

We put all of our 110V appliances with timers in storage. We also put our big freezer in storage. I have purchased a few items new or used to make our time here more enjoyable. I figure the amount of use we will get out of a slow cooker and hair dryer for 3-4 years is worth it!

Gasoline

We receive a gasoline or petrol ration each month.

There are several gas stations on the bases near us. They list the price per gallon that is comparable to prices in the US, but it issues gas in liters. We sign for our ration and then we pay in American dollars.

When our van arrived, one of the first things we had to do was register it in the system for our petrol ration. When my husband bought a car, we had to transfer the registration and ration card.

When we travel, we can load the Esso card and use it at Esso stations throughout Germany, as long as it is within our monthly ration.

Kids

Our children mostly adjust well to the military life.

Our teen has the hardest time being flexible. I know it’s hard sometimes. She has less freedom as an ex-pat here in Europe than she would in the States.

While many of her friends in the USA are getting learner’s permits at 15, Liz knows she can’t drive a car in Europe until the age of 18. Since we live (pretty far) off-base, she has to rely on her parents (us) to drive her to activities.

She isn’t able to get a part-time job off-base and almost all the base jobs require applicants to be 18+. She is vying for entry-level experience with military spouses who need the money or are bored or want to work (they can’t get any off-base jobs either).

Most of the volunteer opportunities in the local community are even closed to her since she is a minor. The USO doesn’t accept minors anymore here in our area because of some bad occurrences that happened years ago.

Liz got her Red Cross certification at age 15 so she earns credit for her hospital volunteering.

Too many families want babysitters who are adults and have their own car. And they don’t want to pay. We used to pay $10-15/hour for our 3 girls, but most of the babysitting jobs Liz has done this past year were for $5/hour for 2-4 kids, and some with special needs! Liz is a certified babysitter with the Red Cross – CPR and more, and has lots of experience with special needs kids – autism, deafness, FAS.

Our other kids haven’t had too many problems with military life other than leaving friends when we or they PCS.

We’re here…

I love seeing family and friends post momentous occasions on social media. I laugh and cry with you. I am proud to witness your kids’ growth and family events. But it also makes me a little sad. We miss the church campouts and friendly BBQs. My husband misses fishing with his friends. My kids miss playing in the yard.

Holidays are hard.

It’s hard feeling isolated and alone sometimes.

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Stop Complaining About Military Life

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March 16, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert 3 Comments

Who is helped by hearing constant complaints?

I understand that some spouses find military life hard. But I also think some people would just find any kind of life hard. Some people just suck the joy right out of life. And if someone is struggling, let’s be uplifting instead of tearing them down.

Some spouses seem to constantly complain of every aspect of military life. They’re so weary with the PCSing and the deployments and the stress and inconveniences.

I’m weary too.

I’m weary of the negativity and complaining about military life.

I’m also tired of people proclaiming that all military spouses are the same. We’re just lumped all together with Coach bags, MLMs, pregnant, flouting our husband’s rank. It’s a tired stereotype.

I’m sick of hearing that military spouses are uneducated and jobless and mooching off the government.

Stop Complaining About Military Life - I’m weary of the negativity and complaining about military life.

I don’t raise my family any differently because we’re a military family.

I’m not a different wife because my husband is active duty Air Force.

But perhaps I have a bit of an edge having grown up a military brat. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t go to a commissary or eXchange or travel on a road trip without stopping at a base or post to check out the history there or even stay in TLF on the off-season. My dad traveled lots as a reservist and GS. His dad was active duty Navy and he lived all over the coastal USA.

I realize some spouses have no prior experience with military life, but they should certainly research before starting a serious relationship with a service member.

Normal life is what you make of it.

We live in the greatest era for connection there has ever been. It’s 2020, not 1915! We have the Internet – with Facebook and Skype and Google and all sorts of ways to research and communicate with others. There are no excuses for lack of availability of information. Learn how to Google. Stop crowdsourcing for your affirmation. Seriously.

When my husband deployed the first time, we had just PCSed to a new state. I had four kids under the age of ten. No friends, no church, no family nearby. I homeschooled and I got no break for almost a year.

And he left on our anniversary.

And I had never experienced winter before.

For like that whole deployment, it was winter, y’all. I’d never lived anywhere that had winter. I learned to drive in blizzards and buy snowsuits and boots for our kids. I found out where to go sledding. Then it snowed again and our basement flooded on Memorial Day in May. Fun times. {I’m not made for winter.}

There were occasions when I was miserable. There were evenings when I cried in a ball on the kitchen floor. There were nights I put the kids to bed at 6:30 so I could just be alone. I lost my temper with my kids. I hated my husband. I hated myself. I hated God.

But mostly, life ran like clockwork.

There was so much less laundry! I had leftovers from dinner for lunch the next day. I could cook bell peppers all I wanted (Aaron doesn’t like them)!!! My eldest daughter and I stayed up late on weekends, talking and watching movies, after the babies went to bed. The house was spotless. Everything was so efficient.

I am quite capable of parenting, housework, homeschooling, yard work, and simple home repairs. I knew other military wives who really could not function alone, and they had way more help from family, friends, church, and community than I’ve in my entire life. I was a single mom and homeowner for four years. So maybe that’s why it’s no big deal to me to go it alone sometimes. I trust myself.

I can get lazy and rely on my husband too much when he’s available to help. I get expectations. Without having to defend my parenting or having to divide my time between a wife’s role and parent’s role, it was often more peaceful.

I missed most the being able to sleep in an extra half hour or so on Saturday mornings while he made pancakes for the kids. But I also learned how capable my kids could be if given the chance.

Our expectations must change if we are to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. If we see everything as a learning opportunity rather than an inconvenience, it will help us make better memories for our families as we teach our kids what’s most important.

Are we different or special because we’re a military family?

Sometimes.

Is life hard for us because we’re a military family?

Sometimes.

Sure, there is often a lot of stress.

But despite all the negatives we could focus on, we realize how blessed we are to be able to live in different places and experience different cultures and learn so much about the world when other families miss out on that.

My son, our youngest child, told me the other day: “Mama, I love it that we get to move around and live in all these cool places and see the world.”

I just won life.

We got to live in Hawaii, Germany, Texas, Georgia, Utah, Germany, Ohio – and see such amazing sites rather than just the challenges – the stress and negativity that can come with inconveniences, deployments, TDYs, and PCSes.

I want my kids’ memories to be about the great opportunities we get to experience!

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