More than 43% of teens report being bullied online; additionally, teens are more than twice as likely to tell their peers about bullying than they are to tell parents or other adults, one study found.
Victims of bullying and other early trauma often carry emotional scars into adulthood, Dr. Nelson, author of the bestselling book The Emotion Code explains in this short video.
12 bullying warning signs parents should watch for:
Emotional upset, anxiety, and depression.
Frequent headaches and stomach aches.
Faking illness.
Unexplainable injuries.
Changes in eating habits.
Poor sleep / frequent nightmares.
A drop in school performance.
Not wanting to go to school.
Sudden loss of friends.
Avoidance of social situations.
Low self-esteem.
Self-destructive behaviors including self-harm, running away, or talking about suicide.
If you were bullied when you were younger, the reason you freeze at genuine compliments is because fake compliments were a prelude to an attack.
Many kids who are victimized by bullying don’t ask for help because they are afraid of being seen as weak or a tattletale, or fear backlash from the bully or rejection by friends. As a result, parents are often the last ones to know.
Take necessary action with the school and/or the bullies’ parents to assure the child’s safety. Help the child to know that he or she is valued and that it is safe to communicate with you as a parent or a counselor.
Dr. Nelson explains why some kids become bullies and others can become targets of bullying. He can share how parents can talk with their children to uncover and heal the emotional trauma of bullying, as well as other steps and when to take them.
A holistic Chiropractic Physician and Medical Intuitive, Dr. Bradley Nelson is one of the world’s foremost experts in the emerging fields of Bioenergetic Medicine and Energy Psychology. He has certified thousands of practitioners worldwide in helping people overcome unresolved anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and other negative emotions and their associated physical symptoms. His bestselling book The Emotion Code provides step-by-step instructions for working with the body’s healing power. Download a free copy of the eBook and the audiobook by visiting www.EmotionCodeGift.com.
Some high profile suicides in the news these last few years. They had seemingly perfect lives. So why were they depressed? Why didn’t their family and friends know or save them?
I cried when I learned that Robin Williams had died. He was a comedian, but apparently the clown hid tears behind the smile.
Several musicians have died recently, combined with struggles from addictions.
Kate Spade was 55 years old and found in her New York apartment. Her 13-year-old daughter was at school, and officials said a note was found at the scene, telling her it was not her fault.
“Mental health issues do not discriminate. By all accounts, Kate Spade “had it all”-money, success, fame. None of these things matter when you are sick. Kate was not selfish. Kate was not weak. Kate was sick.” ~Twitter.
Then I wake up to news that Anthony Bourdain died by suicide in France. He was 61.
His mother, Gladys Bourdain, who was a longtime editor at The New York Times, said she had no indication that Mr. Bourdain might have been thinking of suicide. “He is absolutely the last person in the world I would have ever dreamed would do something like this,” Ms. Bourdain said.
This hit me hard. I have always loved his shows and personality.
“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you… You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.” ~Anthony Bourdain
But the media and most of us move on. How much does it really affect us?
Anyone can suffer from mental illness, depression…and contemplate or die by suicide.
If you’re struggling, please reach out. Mental illness is treatable, help is available, and suicide is preventable. You don’t need to suffer in silence. Reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting “BRAVE” to 741-741 for free crisis support or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
As author of the newly published book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine says that while the conversation around Spade’s death may focus on how people need access to good healthcare/resources in order to prevent suicide, people like Ms. Spade, Robin Williams, and many others have LOTS of resources at their disposal. Access is important, says Devine, but the stigma attached to asking for help is the actual barrier.
Suicide rates in the U.S. increased for everyone between the ages of 10 and 74 from 1999 to 2014, according to the CDC.
It’s ok that you’re not ok.
So many are affected by depression. Some experience depressive episodes periodically, while others suffer from some form of depression all the time. Even when symptoms seem to alleviate for a while, it always lurks in the background.
Weather, illness, chronic pain, loneliness, conflict, and more make depression symptoms worse.
Common stressors are much harder to bounce back from, and cause extra anxiety and worry.
Medication can help, but there are often side effects to consider. Therapy is expensive and often just offers platitudes and weak advice without really helping.
There’s still so much stigma around depression and suicide, including:
“The “cheer up, it’s not that bad” cult of positivity, that pervasive pathologizing of sadness, that eternal advice culture that says it’s your fault if anything is wrong.
Just pray more. I really loathe the whole idea that Christians can’t be depressed. That’s a dangerous attitude.
Life is hard sometimes. Life hurts. When we can’t come to that with respect and kindness – when we can’t respond to that in ourselves and in each other – with respect and kindness, people go silent, and silence can kill you.
Military families suffer in silence. No one wants to be labeled with a mental illness. It can affect careers.
Stress and anxiety in a world of curated perfection on social media makes us strive to reach for something unattainable. It’s not real.
The holidays are especially difficult for people suffering from depression. We feel lost and alone. Stress and perfectionism make us feel worse. The expectations are too much.
Seasonal depression symptoms increase when daylight savings time ends. It really sucks when it gets dark at 5:30 and it’s too cold to go outside.
We need help. We need connection. We need relationship.
Reach out. Bother us. Ask how we’re managing. Invite us anyway. Listen. Just sit there with me. Call, text, email, message.
I led a Longest Night Service on Winter Solstice at my church one year.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
The Longest Night Service or Blue Christmas is held on the Winter Solstice to temper the struggle with darkness and grief faced by those living with loss, separation, or illness. The service coincides with the traditional feast day for Saint Thomas the Apostle.
Jesus said, “Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
And so we invite each other to this time of peaceful worship. Flee for a while from your tasks. Hide yourself for a little space from the turmoil of your thoughts. Come, cast aside your burdensome cares and put aside your laborious pursuits. Give your time to God, and rest in God for a little while.
Much of the liturgy I borrowed from a pdf I found online from Palo Cristi Presbyterian Church. I already have ideas for next year!
It was a calm, quiet, casual service. No standing, no greeting. No wishing anyone “Merry Christmas.”
The lights were dim.
About 25 people worshiped together on the longest night of the year.
Our pastor welcomed everyone.
Her husband played guitar.
Our music director played piano.
My middle daughters were acolytes and lit the altar candles.
A poem, First Coming by Madeleine L’Engle:
He did not wait till the world was ready, till men and nations were at peace. He came when the Heavens were unsteady, and prisoners cried out for release.
He did not wait for the perfect time. He came when the need was deep and great. He dined with sinners in all their grime, turned water into wine. He did not wait
till hearts were pure. In joy he came to a tarnished world of sin and doubt. To a world like ours, of anguished shame he came, and his Light would not go out.
He came to a world which did not mesh, to heal its tangles, shield its scorn. In the mystery of the Word made Flesh the Maker of the stars was born.
We cannot wait till the world is sane to raise our songs with joyful voice, for to share our grief, to touch our pain, He came with Love: Rejoice! Rejoice!
HYMN: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
CLAIMING A PLACE OF SAFETY
One: This night is ours.
All: Here we find refuge from bright lights, holiday songs, celebrations, and the expectations of everyone around us.
One: In this safe place, we can admit our pain, our loss, our fears, and no one will judge us.
All: No one will tell us to be happy or merry. No one will think less of us because we cannot celebrate this season. Above all, no one will find our tears inconvenient or inappropriate.
One: Here, we can pour our hearts out honestly and claim our own kind of meaning from this season.
All: Here, we are welcome even if we’re cynical, even if we’re angry, even if we scoff at the mention of hope and meaning.
One: Tonight, we can be where we are. We do not need to hide or pretend or feel guilty, even if our grief, our pain, our anger seems ugly to the world.
All: We can release our need to please others and be ourselves.
One: Let us be at peace.
All: We are safe here. We are accepted here. There are no demands.
One: Let us be sanctuary for one another.
All: We say to each other: Lay your burdens here. Cast your sorrows into the circle of light. Bask in the warmth that is life.
One: We say to each other: There is more to life than pain. There is more to life than sorrow. Wait for it. Watch for it. Welcome it.
This evening we confess that we are profoundly in need of God’s mercy, so let us sing “Kyrie Eleison,” the Greek words meaning “Lord, have mercy.”
SUNG CONFESSION: Kyrie Eleison
RESPONSIVE PRAYER
One: Signs of celebration surround us.
All: What can we celebrate?
One: Here. Now. We can only celebrate and embrace this moment. This breath. Even if it hurts.
All: There is breath. There is life. Each new moment we breathe this air, there is hope of unexpected comfort, joy, and love.
One: We are precious. Every breath we take is significant and a victory. Our being and Our lives are the greatest and most irreplaceable treasure.
All: Even when life is filled with pain, it is a miracle worthy of awe and reverence.
One: There is a miracle to celebrate on this dark and quiet night. It is within us.
All: Our eyes see the stars of the night sky. Our lips form words of comfort and truth. Our feet carry us where we bid them. Our backs bear our burdens until we can put them down. Each courageous act is a triumph.
One: We are privileged to live out our lives surrounded by everyday wonders:
All: Trees and their dappled shade, birds and their varied songs, blue skies and changing clouds;
One: Thunderstorms and sea breezes, mugs of hot coffee or tea, music, afternoon naps,
All: hot baths and hot showers, good-smelling soaps,
One: the Milky Way, and warm smiles from strangers,
All: And every day the pale creeping dawn signals new beginning. Each day the commonplace is miraculous.
One: We are not alone. Isolation is a myth and a lie.
All: There are thousands of people, hundreds of thousands of people, who tonight are one with us in our questions and doubts.
One: Some are in this room. Some we cannot see or touch. But the human bond is there nonetheless.
All: Hundreds of thousands of people whose simple existence makes each of us stronger,
One: A human community where we can comfort and serve each other.
All: Even in the face of sorrow we can find sources of hope and reasons to rejoice we can share that hope and that joy with each other.
One: We can put our arms around each other in unity and understanding.
All: We are not alone.
GATHERING HYMN: Wait for the Lord by Taizé
SCRIPTURE READINGS
Two of our church leaders and my teen daughter read these.
Luke 14:15-24: This story offers hope for those who have no one to invite them. It reminds us that in God’s divine order, no one is excluded-all are invited.
Matthew 11:28-29: When burdens get piled on top of other burdens, the load can crush us. In his promise, Jesus offers us help to carry our burdens and responsibilities.
Revelation 7:15-17: Our present world is not how God wants things to be. Those who weep now will not weep later. In this new heaven and new earth, there will be no more need for tears.
HYMN: O Come, Emmanuel #123
CANDLELIGHTING
My four children did this part so beautifully.
We light four candles tonight. We light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, and one for our love.
Reader 1: This candle represents our grief. We own the pain of losing loved ones, of dreams that go unfulfilled, of hopes that evaporate in despair.
Reader 2: This candle represents our courage. It symbolizes the courage to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to share our feelings honestly and openly with each other, and to dare to hope in the midst of pain.
Reader 3: This candle represents our memories. For the times we laughed together, cried together, were angry with each other or overjoyed with each other. We light this candle for the memories of caring and joy we shared together.
Reader 4: This candle represents our love. The love we have given, and the love we have received. The love that has gone unacknowledged and unfelt, and the love that has been shared in times of joy and sorrow.
Leader: You are now invited to come forward to light one of the tealight candles which represents your burdens, griefs, sorrows, all those things that make Christmas a “blue” time for you.
Leader: We now light the Christ candle, remembering that Jesus Christ is always in the center of our lives. He hears our cries, he knows our hearts and, in the midst of all our thoughts and emotions, he offers us hope and healing.
PRAYER
Comforting God, wrap us in your presence in this time of remembrance.
With these candles, help us find your light, a light that will guide us day by day, step by step, as we try to live life fully and whole.
We cherish the special ways in which we have been touched by our loved ones.
We thank you for the gift their lives have been to us. Now comfort us, encourage us, and empower us. AMEN.
HYMN: In the Bleak Midwinter
HOMILY by Jennifer Lambert
I am a failure.
I’ve failed at so many things.
I’ve failed at school, at work, as a friend, as a wife, as a mom, in my community, as a Christian.
I imagine most people can relate to failing at some point.
During the holidays, many of us feel like a failure.
All the lights, music, decorations, events, celebrations are overwhelming.
It can make one’s mouth hurt to constantly speak with such forced merriment.
I don’t have Pinterest-worthy decorations. I get overwhelmed making homemade meals and treats all season-long. I can’t buy all the gifts for all the people on my list. It’s a comparison trap, looking over my shoulder, on social media at what others are doing, making, buying that seem better, more meaningful, more memorable.
I need more time, more energy, more money.
Or I do I need to just change my expectations?
Most failure is because of failed expectations.
Mary was a failure.
Mary was pregnant before her wedding to Joseph. In any time period, that is scandalous.
Her pregnancy was unexpected. She was an unexpected bride. She lived an unexpected life.
Did Mary feel like a failure as a wife?
She delivered her firstborn son in a stable. Suddenly, unexpectedly. Was she scared? Was she disappointed at those conditions?
She later witnessed her firstborn son ridiculed, beaten, crucified, dead, buried.
Did Mary feel like a failure as a mother?
Joseph was a failure.
Joseph wanted to quietly divorce Mary when he found out she was already pregnant and he knew he wasn’t the father. Joseph followed through after the angel commanded him to take Mary as his bride anyway.
Joseph traveled to Bethlehem with a very pregnant Mary for the census. He couldn’t find a room for her to stay in, much less to give birth in.
How uncomfortable must that journey have been? I’ve had 4 traumatic birth experiences, but in a stable?
Did Joseph panic?
Did Joseph feel ashamed?
He knowingly entered into a blended family.
Did Joseph feel like a failure as a husband and stepfather?
Jesus was a failure.
Born in a stable.
Exiled to Egypt.
Living in obscurity as a carpenter.
Rising as an unexpected leader.
Nathanael claimed: “Nothing good can come out of Nazareth.”
Jesus was supposed to rescue the Jews from the Romans. He wasn’t the king they were expecting.
The Jews rejected Jesus as the Messiah. Even though He fulfilled prophecy, Jesus’ radical teachings and ways were unexpected. He shook the bureaucracy.
Then Jesus was arrested, tortured, crucified, killed, buried.
He rose from the grave, but still they struggled to understand.
Jesus was a failure because He didn’t fulfill human expectations.
And yet He loves us because we know not what we do.
Who has seen the new Star Wars movie? No spoilers, but I love this line:
Failure is our greatest learning.
We can’t avoid failure. But what do we do with it? Do we mope and wallow in the negativity, beating ourselves up, refusing to try again?
We must learn from our failures.
When we are weak, He is strong. In our failure, He is magnified and glorified.
We must realize our potential,
practice peace,
and learn our purpose.
It’s one thing for others to see your potential. It’s quite another for you to understand and see potentialin yourself.
We must have courage to fail and have peace with ourselves and others. We must forgive ourselves and others. We must learn to apologize and make amends to heal relationships with others. We have to learn to let go of hurts.
Growth is painful. We must pray to realize our purpose, even if it’s unexpected. We must stop striving to be someone else, listening to those inner voices telling us we’re not good enough. Looking ahead and planning is good, but let’s not lose sight of the blessings and opportunities right in front of us, in this moment.
Being a student is enough. Being a spouse is enough. Being a parent is enough.
You are enough.
Pray with me:
May God bless us with discomfort at half-truths, easy answers, and superficial relationships, so that we will live deeply and from the heart.
May God bless us with righteous anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that we will work for justice, freedom, and peace.
May God bless us with tears to shed for those in pain, so that we will reach out our hands to them and turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless us with just enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in this old world, so that we will do those unexpected things that others say cannot be done.
Jesus Christ is the light of the world, the light no darkness can overcome.
Stay with us, Lord, for it is evening, and the day is almost over.
Let your light scatter the darkness and illumine your people. Amen.
LORICA OF ST. PATRICK
L: I arise today C:Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity Through belief in the threeness Through confession of the Oneness Towards the creator.
L: I arise today C: Through God’s strength to pilot me: God’s might to uphold me, God’s wisdom to guide me God’s eye to look before me, God’s ear to hear me, God’s word to speak for me, God’s hand to guard me, God’s way to lie before me, God’s host to secure me.
L: I arise today C: Through the strength of Christ with his baptism, Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial, Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension Through the strength of his descent for the Judgment of doom.
L: Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me, C: Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me, L: Christ on my right, Christ on my left C: Christ where I lie, Christ where I sit, Christ where I arise L: Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me, C: Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me, L: Christ in every eye that sees me, C: Christ in every ear that hears me.
L: Salvation is of the Lord C: Salvation is of the Lord L: Salvation is of Christ C: May thy salvation, O Lord, be ever with us.
HYMN: Silent Night #147
BLESSING
One: Let us face the trials of a bright season with an inner calm because we know there are deeper meanings.
All: We have looked into the pool of suffering and we have not lost all hope. Let that knowledge strengthen us.
One: When we are overcome with despair, let us be glad of our improbable existence and be content to wait for the next moment and the possibility it brings for unexpected joy.
All: For a little space of time, we have laid our burdens down. For a little space of time, we have cast our sorrows into the circle of light. For as long as we are able, we will bask in the warmth that is life.
One: These candles will flutter and burn out sending the room into darkness, but our hearts contain a more powerful flame.
All: In our hearts burns life, complex and difficult, in all its uniqueness and mystery.
One: We carry hope into the world simply by carrying on, helping others, and living our lives as best we can.
All: Even on the darkest nights when all we can do is curl up and weep, the ember of life is in us, burning intensely.
One: That radiance is more brilliant than any holiday decoration; it is more enduring than any loss; it is a flame worth protecting, worth fighting for.
All: Let us nurture that warmth and life in us.
One: Let us go into a cold winter night and warm its air even slightly with our breath as we go. Let us pass from this safe place, knowing that we carry sanctuary in us.
All: In the coolness of the night, we will walk in peace. In the quiet of the starlight, we will walk with hope. In the company of all life, we will do our best to love.
One: Go forth! Breathe in the crisp air, feel your feet upon the earth, know you are in good company. Nurture the ember that glows inside you, for it is robust and will give you strength.
The winter gatherings creep toward loneliness, greed, accusation…and we tend to feel unable, inferior, invisible.
For so many, the holidays remind of bad memories, unmet expectations, disappointments.
With the early nights and dreary days come the work parties, family dinners, church potlucks, and all those social obligations.
I’ve never been successful to paste on a smile and fake it.
I’d like to hibernate until March.
My heart feel heavy within me. I am weighed down with the loss of loved ones, the loss of opportunities, the shifting of hopes and dreams.
As many people eagerly await the birth Jesus, it’s hard for me to lift up my heart.
As many plan to celebrate and sing with joy, I often find the days gray and my tongue unable to rejoice.
God knows the emptiness I sometimes feel. God knows the feelings of abandonment, anger, loneliness, and depression I feel. God knows me from the depths of my heart, and God sits with me as I learn to be whole.
I can be assured of God’s love and compassion. He can handle my darkest fears. I can rail at him and ask, “Why?!” I don’t have to hide my tears or sad face from him.
We don’t have to continue any traditions that leave us broke or in debt, stressed out, overwhelmed, tired.
There really are no obligations. You can say no. You don’t have to explain or justify.
I don’t attend many holiday events. I don’t really like parties. My husband is organizing a greening of our church potluck/Friendsgiving for Advent. I’m planning a longest night service.
We stopped sending cards. They seem impersonal and wasteful in this age of social media.
We have always lived too far away to visit my parents or his sisters.
We stopped gift-giving with adults and extended family. We barely have a relationship beyond our immediate family and the gifts were not heartfelt, but just duty.
We minimize decorating.
We streamline celebration meals with our little family. Pinterest perfection is not the goal. We cook and eat what we like!
We limit presents to our kids and prefer experiences over stuff.
Then there’s sometimes still disappointment. The dreary days trudge on towards spring and warmth that seems so far away.
There is hope in the dark.
Reach out to others.
You may be someone’s lifeline during these dark days of winter.
Light a candle.
I will light candles this Christmas; Candles of joy despite all sadness, Candles of hope where despair keeps watch, Candles of courage for fears ever present,
Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days, Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens, Candles of love to inspire all my living, Candles that will burn all the year long.
When the song of the angels is stilled, When the star in the sky is gone, When the kings and princes are home, When the shepherds are back with their flock,
The work of Christmas begins: To find the lost, To heal the broken, To feed the hungry, To release the prisoner, To rebuild the nations, To bring peace among others, To make music in the heart.
~Howard Thurman
Next time you pass the peace in your church, try passing the hope instead:
“We wouldn’t be the same without you. Hope be with you.”
And the response: “And also with you.”
Let hope burn bright.
Christmas is for the abused & oppressed. Christmas was an act of resistance against all that is evil.
“Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His name all oppression shall cease.”
Though you may be wrapping gifts, planning special meals, and spending time with family and friends, I hope you will also take time to allow the Advent darkness to do its work as well.
Maybe my children would be better off with a different mother.
Maybe my husband would be better with a happier wife.
Maybe my parents would realize how bad it really was.
Their therapist didn’t know the truth and I’m not only to blame.
Less than.
Never enough.
A hollow pit in the depths of my stomach.
Prickly moist heat that makes my palms itch.
Heaving from the farthest reaches of my insides.
Poor little rich white girl.
I hate this life.
No, it doesn’t make any sense
But
The pain is suffocating.
I’m drowning from too much.
Too little.
Hyperventilating.
Asphyxiation must be the scariest way to go.
I learned long ago to paste on a smile. Smear on some lipstick.
Don’t want to look too pale, sickly, pasty, unhappy, bland.
Don’t call attention.
Don’t tell the secrets.
Be invisible.
But speak up.
Well, which is it?
I’m so confused.
I don’t know who I am. Who should I be?
It doesn’t even matter.
Nothing matters.
On the good days
the sun shines and the bad thoughts almost disappear
I’m so productive! I can take on the world and save everyone, including myself. I’m proud of myself. I’m doing all the right things, saying all the right words in the right tone, feeling all the right feels and not reacting, but being proactive. I plan for tomorrow, next week, next month, years from now. I can see it.
I laugh and bake and play and sing and dance
My heart swells with pride and remember how blessed I am
I can smile and it actually reaches my eyes
and the darkness seems rather far away for a few moments
but I can always see the wicked grin of the shadow monster in my peripheral vision
There but not there
Waiting and reminding
that the darker days are coming.
On the bad days
I struggle to get out of bed.
Every little task is a mountainous obstacle.
I don’t want to bathe or get dressed or eat or go anywhere.
No one can see me.
I avoid mirrors.
I loathe myself.
I am numb.
I know way deep down that I have to go through the motions of all the things I have to do to keep our lives running.
But I can’t really see the point.
“It’s just a headache.”
“I don’t feel so well today.”
“I think I might be coming down with something.”
I don’t deserve
to ever spend a penny on myself
or food
or soap
or water
or clothes
the smiles of my children
the hug from my husband
the grace of God
this life.
I don’t know how to ask for help.
No one knows.
Folding up inside is better, safer, easier.
I used to wish I had a real disease that others could see and believe.
If I were actually sick, then they would be sympathetic.
Then they would know it’s not my fault.
Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.
Depression isn’t something that I can “just snap out of” or, my God, I would do that!
I can’t just be happy. I can’t just smile more. I can’t just pray it away.
My flat affect is mistaken for sarcasm.
Comparing myself to others who “have it worse” is not helpful.
I’m tired of people who confuse “being depressed” for a season and living with depression. It doesn’t just go away.
I’ve learned to cope without medication.
I’ve been to plenty of therapists. They didn’t help. They shamed me. They blamed me.
Depression is a real illness. We don’t blame people with cancer or diabetes or MS or thyroid deficiencies.
When you ask, “What do you have to be sad about?” It just adds to my guilt. It doesn’t make sense to me why I feel like this. It just is. I live with it. You can’t understand. I can’t explain it to you well enough for you to empathize. If I had cancer, you’d feel pity for me.
Why do we blame people with mental illnesses?
And depression has BFFs – anxiety, anger, physical ailments, PTSD, aches and pains, attention problems, insomnia, eating disorders, self harm, and more. Doctors love to bandaid these symptoms instead of seeking to learn the cause.
When you can’t control your own mind and thoughts, you feel the need to control something. And that need for some semblance of control most often exhibits in an eating disorder, addiction, cutting, or something harmful.
^I’m angry my hair stylist thought chunky highlights were a good idea^
Why am I angry?
I feel like I am always fighting an uphill battle. It’s exhausting.
There’s always a running commentary in my head. It’s almost always negative.
I’m angry at myself.
I am my own worst critic.
I don’t need anyone to tell me when I’ve messed up.
I get furious with myself when I forget something, break something, mess up in any way.
I remember every little mistake I’ve ever made. It keeps me up at night.
“Why did I say that?”
“What could I have done differently?”
Every stupid choice I made as a youth.
Every harsh word to my children.
Every time I act like I’m too busy for them.
My poor parenting practices in the beginning…Did I ruin my two oldest in their formative years? Why didn’t I know better earlier?
Why can’t I lose ten pounds?
Why didn’t I ever learn to play an instrument?
Why didn’t I finish grad school and get that Ph.D?
I disappoint myself.
I’m angry at society.
Why are there so many poisonous chemicals and additives in our food?
Why are there so many victimless crimes that I have heart palpitations when I see a police car?
Why do we pay so many taxes for services we don’t need, want, or ever use?
Why is there still childism, sexism, racism in our modern world?
Why do we still not believe women who have been harassed or assaulted? We learn it’s easier to remain silent, stifle the feelings of unfairness and injustice. Just move on.
Why do we have a narcissistic playboy running our country?
Why does it feel like 1968 and all our progress is being reversed?
I’m angry at my parents.
I was pretty much left to my own devices. By most standards, I had a great childhood. But when I became an adult (a long arduous process), I realized how broken it really was.
Their love was and is conditional.
They disowned me when I was 20. They sent me a copy of their will, all torn in pieces. They paid postage to mail me that.
They found a therapist to tell them how terrible I am.
Everything they offer comes with strings attached. They dangle expensive gifts like carrots before mules, then snatch them away and blame my poor behavior. I’m 41, not 4.
They send broken handmedowns and we get criticized if we don’t offer profuse gratitude at their thoughtfulness.
My dad hand wrote me a hate letter and mailed it to tell me what an awful mother I am because I won’t spank my children.
I realize they exhibit are narcissistic and borderline tendencies and they are codependent. Gaslighting is common.
But that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier.
They wonder why the extent of our conversations are about the weather and backyard birds.
They weren’t there for me when I needed them most. They guided me in wrong decisions. They didn’t understand my suicide attempt. They don’t talk about my abortion.
Mental health is a real thing and it needs to be discussed.
Their priorities aren’t my priorities.
It’s amazing that they can still crush my spirit.
I diligently work at not reacting to triggers.
Adult children of toxic parents have an especially difficult time with their anger because they grew up in families where emotional expression was discouraged. Anger was something only parents had the privilege of displaying.
It’s mostly pageantry, sitting in chairs and singing and shaking hands with strangers, then having a cookie and filing out the door to a mediocre life.
Christians love to discount anger. “Just pray more! Just be happy!” they say. Because surely, it’s just impossible to be a good Christian and experience any negativity.
I learned self-reliance.
So I keep my thoughts to myself.
My husband’s parents died suddenly within our first year of marriage.
We have no support system.
We never had any mentors.
We have no friends.
I’m jealous.
Our kids don’t know their cousins. They don’t understand family holidays. They’ve never gone to family reunions. They don’t have so many memories.
Sometimes, I’m so angry, but there isn’t even a definable target.
Moving every few years takes a lot out of us – physically, emotionally, psychologically. So much planning and so many unknowns.
The neverending chores. Towels wadded up on the floor. That forgotten bowl all crusty with melted dried cheese on the far counter. Cat puke on the carpet.
The unheeded advice and bailing my kids out of another scrape to coach them better next time.
That lost thing that becomes an emergency: my husband’s wallet, iPhone, keys…a daughter’s shoe, FitBit, earring, book..the teen just lost her check card after one week. When the van ate my military ID as I was going through the gate.
Sure, there are hormones and headaches every month. The weather affects my sinuses.
Moms aren’t allowed to have bad days.
I perceive my husband as emotionless. Nothing ever seems to bother him. He just plugs along.
I have enough anger for all of us.
No one ever seems outraged by the news, world events, community issues, injustice.
I’m disgusted by what is happening in the world and yet I feel helpless.
No one wants to have meaningful conversation or take action for positive change. So many desensitized and apathetic.
Bloggers make themselves feel better by buying and peddling sustainable clothing from charities to combat oppression in third world countries. Social media and the internet are all a comparison trap.
Who do I fight?
My generation is known for its feelings of futility and apathy. We grew up with receiving trophies and stickers for everything, having earned nothing, being handed the world on a silver platter without having to world for anything. Inflated grades, so much self-esteem. Worthless college degrees and too few jobs. Our expectations don’t meet the reality.
Then the internet and social media come into the picture. Heaven help us.
I’m fighting for a better world for my children.
My anger gives me the momentum to continually evaluate and improve.
I’m angry that even when I speak up, I remain unheard.
Anger is often a mask.
It’s inappropriate to show negative emotions in our society. We’re supposed to answer, “Fine!” when someone asks how we are.
Fear, frustration, powerlessness, pain…often exhibit as anger.
Depression and anxiety. More anger.
Military healthcare downplays mental health. It’s a stigma. Here’s a breathing app with a monthly membership fee. Here’s a pill that may give you awful side effects. It’s a joke.
I wasn’t allowed to express emotions or be my true self as a child and youth. I was told I was worthless and that the things I liked were stupid.
It’s taken me so many years to rediscover that I love art, music, bugs, animals, hiking, and more.
I’m repairing 5-year-old me, going back to before school destroyed her. Rebuilding who I was meant to be.
It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to have negative emotions.
It’s not ok to allow anger to become overwhelming or all-enveloping.
I know when I need to deal with my anger. It’s time for me to be alone and work it out so I don’t lash out.
I go for a walk. I take a bath. I journal. I cook something. I do chores. I pray. I exercise.
It’s important to use anger as a catalyst for personal growth rather than letting it fester.
I’ve read a plethora of articles recently (specifically here and here) about depression and substance abuse among military spouses. Many of the reactions to this “news” is “Well, duh!” from so many spouses who have experienced stress while being married to a military member.
Do military spouses experience more stress than other spouses?
While I knew what I was getting into when I married my husband, that doesn’t negate the stress I’ve felt over the years. Many spouses have rose-colored glasses and don’t quite comprehend the moving around, deployment, or protocol issues involving rank and military careers.
Military spouses are overwhelmed and unheard, often too scared to reach out for help when they need it most.
Telehealth company Thrivetalk has released a study on the mental health of an often-neglected group: military spouses. And a whopping 66% of survey respondents agree with that statement, saying they often feel ignored by society.
The Department of Defense estimates there are over 1 Million military spouses. During the pandemic, over 50% of military spouses have reduced visiting if their partner lives on base. 84% of respondents said that their feelings of isolation have increased during COVID-19, yet only 23% have received mental health support.
Prairie Conlon, LPC, NCC & Clinical Director of Thrivetalk has a postgraduate degree in military behavioral health and had this to say:
It’s well-documented the mental health challenges veterans face, but now we can see statistics pointing to the toll it takes on military spouses, too.
Prairie Conlon, LPC, NCC & Clinical Director of Thrivetalk
What are some of the stressors facing military spouses?
Loss of Career
Many spouses put their careers on hold or terminate their employment altogether when marrying into the military.
It’s difficult to keep resumes updated with gaps of several years due to PCSing, having babies, moving out of the country. At many military installations, the only job options that seem available to spouses are cashiering at the Exchange or bagging groceries at the commissary. While that doesn’t look appealing to many, sometimes the cash flow is needed to support a growing family.
Some careers are more mobile than others. Some spouses become entrepreneurs or get involved with MLMs. And then they have to pack all that up and move every few years, find new clients and contacts.
After experiencing almost every single life stressor on the index during our first two years of marriage, I ended my career as an English professor to stay home and educate my own children. While I don’t regret that decision, I do sometimes feel less-than, especially in social situation when I am just the stay-at-home, homeschooling mom.
It wasn’t much of a choice.
Marriage Struggles
Being married to a military member is sometimes really tough.
And I’m not talking about just deployments and PCS stuff.
My concerns are often very different from my husband’s. I often look at a bigger picture.
I’ve tried the spouse clubs. I’ve tried volunteering. It’s like middle school all over again. I never go to functions. It doesn’t affect my husband’s career, no matter what anyone says, if I’m there or not. No one cares. No one notices.
My husband works with many different people all day, every day. I understand he has a work persona.
I also understand that when he’s home, he’s always on call. He’s had to leave in the middle of the night for emergencies. He’s had to go TDY and missed important family events. He left for deployment on our anniversary.
It’s my job to remind him that he is a father and a husband. Work is not everything.
He also doesn’t like to make decisions at home since he makes so many at work. I’m usually fine making the decisions. I’m confident and efficient. But I sometimes actually want his input or help. I don’t want to nag. I don’t want to have a tantrum about the smelly trash every week. I shouldn’t have to remind him to change the tires before it snows. Sure, I’m in charge of home and homeschool and he works away from home all day. It’s more than a full-time job for me too. I’m never “off duty.” I don’t get an OPR or EPR. I don’t get awards for doing my job.
Our household needs both parents to work well.
I want the kids’ memories to be good ones. I want them to grow up and desire to visit home for the holidays. I struggle every day to develop a healthy family atmosphere.
Family Issues
We’ve chosen to homeschool our four kids, and that relieves a lot of stress involving school. But even in the homeschool community, we’ve sometimes had issues fitting in. Some places followed a traditional school schedule and their activities began before our household goods and homeschool items arrived. We were empty-handed for several weeks.
Finding activities for my kids to participate in has sometimes been hard. Gymnastics was a thing for a while, but taking breaks for months and testing into a class every time we moved took its toll and my kids didn’t feel it was worth trying to keep up.
Overseas family activities are often only available on base and the quality is just really poor with such a monopoly. We decided not to waste our money anymore.
There are few options for teenagers to get part-time jobs – or even drive – when stationed overseas. Overseas education options are DODS or homeschool, occasionally private schools in English might be available.
Deployment
Of course deployments are hard. Those months away can be scary. It’s hard having a long-distance relationship. It’s hard to feel left behind while the military member is off doing a job keeping our world safe. Communication is often sporadic.
But the preparation for the separation is tough too. Arguments, bitterness, sadness, anger – these feelings are normal and natural, even if they add stress to an already stressful sitation. They help prepare us for a long time apart. We try to distance ourselves so it doesn’t hurt so much.
Then, upon return, the reintregation process can be hard. The spouse has dealt with everything alone for months and feels awkward making room again. Returning to a routine that was normal before the deployment seems weird. The military member has lived a completely different life during deployment and returning to a life and routine at home feels strange.
All of this creates lots of friction – for a long time. Kids find it really hard to understand. They’re just happy to have both parents at home.
PCS
It gets really tiresome moving every few years. Some people may think it’s exciting to get to move around, starting over new.
And it was for the first few times.
After 5, 6, 7, or more moves around the world, it gets exhausting.
We lament that we will forever be renters.
My soul longs for a place to call home.
My kids have no hometown. Their memories take place all over and I find it hard to reconcile that sometimes. We don’t have a doorpost with measurements marking the heights of our kids over the years.
After living in one place for three years, the kids get antsy, knowing it’s almost time to move on. They have a transient life.
PCS time is a huge, long process of waiting. Waiting for news, official orders, dates for packing and moving and traveling. Then more waiting. For household goods to arrive. Finding a new place to live. Unpacking, organizing, settling…for just a few years. Until we do it all again.
The first year in a new location is getting to know everything, learning our way around, trying to fit in.
The second year is comfortable, feeling almost like we belong, enjoying everything the area has to offer.
The third year is realizing we’re gonna move soon. We mentally shut down, purging stuff we won’t need in our new location or things we can’t take – like houseplants, outgrown toys, 220 plugs.
Then panic sets in. We realize we’re never gonna see that flower bloom again. This is the last snowfall here for us. We’ll never get to visit there like we planned. It makes me physically ill, grieving because it’s a loss I can’t control.
Then hope peeks through. We wonder where our next location will be. We imagine a nice, big yard with a garden, better than this one. We hope we can find a good kitchen with double ovens. We long for a fireplace since we didn’t have one here. Then we worry about commute times and gas prices. How will I budget when we don’t know the price of utilities and food? Will the new neighbors be nice and welcoming? Will we be able to find a church right away? I worry about how our family will fit in to a new location when we move. Just because our BAH might cover a certain amount, doesn’t mean I want to live in certain areas. We’re not country club people.
I count milestones by which locale we were living when they took their first step, got stitches, learned to ride a bike.
We have to have a different definition of home than most. Home is wherever we’re all together, even if that’s by Skyping during a deployment or in a TLF apartment for a month. Home is where I do the wugga chugga after bathtime. It’s where we read the stories and say the prayers before bedtime.
We count holidays by which kitchen we made Thanksgiving dinner or celebrated a birthday. We usually spend holidays alone or travel, trying to forget it’s a holiday.
Is that the year in Hawaii I had a Blue’s Clues birthday?
My kids lose track of friends when we move away. Those friends grow up, forgetting, losing touch. It makes us sad. We remember. We reminisce the fun moments.
Remember when Natalia and I played at the creek at that park in San Antonio and we caught tadpoles?
I live the losses along with my children. I long for them to have roots. And a place to call home.
Etc.
It might seem petty to complain about some things, but it’s not like the average spouse has most of these issues. And they are real issues to me and many military spouses.
Moving to new living quarters every few years brings stress with finding a rental that suits us and meets our needs.
Researching areas in a new city within the housing allowance, and calculating expenses within a budget, along with commute times to the military member’s new post is a stressful experience – and usually falls to the spouse alone. Then, there are comforts to purchase to make it home, often with very little money – curtains, rugs, maybe even furniture. Money is always an issue.
I worry about our items in storage. What if they’re damaged or lost? They’re our memories and ties to the past.
I wonder if our lawn mower will work after 3 years in the shed, unused. Will we have unnecessarily moved it across the world twice only to have to buy a new one after all?
Finding a new church is a HUGE issue. I hate church shopping.
I want my kids to have friends, to be able to play and be as normal as possible.
I loathe having to find new dentists and hair stylists. It just sucks.
We seldom seem to fit in. We don’t have family around for support. It’s hard making friends when they know you’ll just move away in a few years.
Please understand: It’s not all bad.
We’ve gotten to live all over the world and experience some amazing travel – learning about history, culture, art. My kids are resilient for having to move to a new location every few years. The world is a smaller place to them than it was to me at their age.
I think military spouses are at greater risk for depression, substance abuse, and more. It’s a very stressful life. Without proper support systems in place, it’s even harder.
Who do you turn to for help when you need it?
Mental health services aren’t ideal for active duty members or dependants.
We’re required to have a minimum of 3 appointments with a Behavioral HealthOptimization Program (BHOP) provider before a referral off-base to a civilian mental health professional who is on the TRICARE provider list.
The most the BHOP offered were breathing exercises, a smartphone app with a monthly membership fee (sponsored and created by the Air Force), and Christian pseudo-psychology self-help books. It was a joke.
A referral can be hit or miss. What if I don’t click with the therapist? What happens with continuity since we move so frequently? It sucks to have to start over with therapy every few years. There is no continuity of care.
There is a stigma in the military with mental health. No one wants that on their record. No one wants to be tagged EFMP for mental health. No one wants to be dinged on evaluations or passed over on promotions due to asking for help. Nothing is really private.
Do you seem to carry the weight of the world upon your shoulders?
Turn off the news. Get off the Internet. Get outside and try to relax.
New survey findings show differences between veterans and active-duty service members’ perceptions about mental health, showing a shift in attitudes toward seeking professional help.
Only 30% of veterans have sought or considered mental health counseling, compared to 72% of active-duty service members.
91% of active-duty service members say their leadership openly discusses the importance of addressing mental health concerns, compared to only 23% of veterans.
89% of active military members believe people who receive professional counseling generally get better, compared to 66% of veterans.
We all deal with disappointments, whether it’s a bad grade on a test, a pregnancy or miscarriage, not receiving a job or promotion we think we deserved, getting PCS orders to a less-than-desired locale, or the presidential candidate of our choice losing the race.
I don’t think we as a culture know how to handle disappointment.
We give medals, trophies, and ribbons for participating. There’s no incentive for trying to do a good job anymore. Mediocrity reigns!
We complain, cry, or even riot when we don’t get our way. We are a nation of sore losers.
How we handle disappointment shows a lot about our maturity level.
I’ve lost numerous jobs. I have two failed marriages. I have countless lost friendships. I have a rocky relationship with my parents. Being a military wife brings its share of disappointments with deployments and PCSes.
As a daughter and friend, wife and mother, I constantly feel like a failure.
Life has ups and downs. People fail us. Tragedies happen.
I’ve had to learn the hard way to handle disappointment in a mature way in order to model that to my kids.
It’s true that a mama’s attitude affects the whole household.
We have to teach our children how to handle disappointment well and to bounce back from defeat.
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
It’s ok to get emotional.
Our gut reactions to disappointment are normal.
We get sad, scared, upset, angry. We’re disappointed. It’s negative. It’s ok to cry a little, but don’t dwell in that negative state for long. Don’t get depressed. Take action.
Analyze it and move on.
Every single time I get disappointed, it brings to mind every past hurt in my entire life history. I get sick to my stomach. I worry. I get anxious. I rehash conversations in my head. I loathe myself for the destructive relationships I was in then. I think what could’ve should’ve been. I imagine what if I could go back in time and redo it or tell myself what I know now? I blame myself, often unnecessarily.
Emotions are what make us human. Make us real. The word ’emotion’ stands for energy in motion. Be truthful about your emotions, and use your mind and emotions in your favor, not against yourself. ~Robert T. Kiyosaki
Who’s to blame?
Not that we should always place blame, but it sometimes helps to know who is at fault.
We ask ourselves: Did I mess up?
In this fallen world, sometimes plans are purposely sabotaged. People are mean. We are bullied. It seems as if evil wins.
Try to resolve the situation with the other person if possible. Have a plan for the conversation and a resolution in mind. Sincere apologies go a long way towards forgiveness and healing.
Sometimes confrontation and reconciliation aren’t possible, and having no closure can be even harder to bear.
People we love hurt us. It’s just a part of life. Sometimes, commitment and duty are the only threads holding us together in bad times.
Things get lost. Trust is sometimes misplaced. People forget to do or say things. Lies are revealed. Bad things happen to good people.
Sometimes, there is no one to blame. We shouldn’t take everything so personally.
We can dwell on these things and let hate and rage devour us, or we can take note of it, forgive, and move on.
The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes. ~Thomas Hardy
What were expectations?
Do I expect too much?
Were my instructions not clear? What could I have done differently? Why doesn’t she like me?
Self-reflection and analysis are healthy.
Sometimes, we are just let down by those we depend on.
We shouldn’t lower our expectations because of this. We should hold our standards high. But we should also be realistic.
I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine. ~Bruce Lee
Try, try again.
Be proactive for next time. Yes, there will be a next time.
Disappointment builds character, especially patience, when you allow that to mold you. Learn to lose with grace.
Don’t beat yourself up. Fix whatever can be fixed. Learn from your mistakes. Look on the bright side.
Yes, it’s easier said than done.
Love anyway.
There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums. ~Michael J. Fox
Have faith.
Pray. Meditate. Read. Create. Journal your feelings.
Everything happens for a reason.
Some of of my greatest disappointments created amazing opportunities.
This is maturity.
When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way. ~Paulo Coelho
Get with like-minded friends.
Find comfort with those who can and will agree with you. You will learn who your real friends are during bad times. We should be there for each other – to be shoulders to cry on and iron sharpening iron.
There’s no shame in unfriending bigots on social media. You should sever toxic friendships (and sometimes even family members) online and in real life. Protect your boundaries.
Don’t waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing.
A hug or a cuppa with a friend goes a long way towards healing. We need friends to inspire hope.
I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light. ~Helen Keller
How do you handle disappointment? How do you help your kids through it?
I’ve suffered from depression for most of my life.
I was a melancholy, serious child.
I was a sullen teen.
I was a self-destructive young adult.
I struggled as a young wife and mother.
I’m 40 now, and while I don’t have all the answers, I have come to terms with who I am, what my expectations are, what my needs are, and what my goals for the future should be.
Being happy isn’t really the goal.
I don’t need a dare or challenge to be happy.
The idea of happiness calls to mind laughter and silliness, and that’s not usually lasting joy.
I prefer to use the term “content.”
I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance andneed.I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11b-13
It’s not my job to make my children happy.
I’m not their entertainer, fixer, cruise director.
I don’t plan playdates or fix their conflicts with each other or teachers.
Kids need to learn to manage their negative feelings in order to be successful adults. If I run to fix every negative feeling or try to take it away, I create fragile kids. I prefer to listen to their complaints and then ask them what they’re going to do about it. Sometimes, they just need to vent or an empathetic shoulder to cry on – with no advice or fixing.
I see many parents who exhibit immature behavior and emotions, threatening their children, being passive-aggressive, narcissistic. They place blame on the child for their own poor reactions to disappointment. The media portrays many adults with dysfunctional emotions and even glorifies the immature parent who cannot show their children unconditional love or healthy emotions.
And I’ve lived some very dark days.
It’s my job as a parent to model happiness, being content, the spectrum of healthy emotions to all of life’s ups and downs.
These are the ways I’ve found over the last few years help me to be happy:
Forgive.
There’s just no point holding onto anger, hatred, bitterness. Let it go. I’ve seen the horrible effects of unforgiveness and how it hurts everyone. Also, forgiving oneself is extremely difficult. I am still learning how to deal with disappointment in a healthy way.
Get outside.
I try to go outside at least 30 minutes a day. It’s often hard and I don’t always feel like it, especially if the weather isn’t ideal. The fresh air and nature is good for me. I try to take a little walk around the village, or preferably a little hike on our forest trail. Sometimes, I just sit in the garden. It provides peaceful reflection.
Eliminate stress.
I actively evaluate and re-evalute everything we do and have to eliminate clutter and stress. I try to exercise regularly. I want to be healthy and still be around for my grandkids. Stress weakens the heart and mind.
Worship.
It’s taken me years to educate myself about religion and faith and really seek God. While it’s a lifetime process, I finally feel like I’m on the right track to a faith-filled life. Prayer really works.
Turn off.
Don’t trade in emotions for food, screens, or retail therapy. There’s no reason for a screen to be on all the time. Interact with family and friends or just sit in silence. Noise is stressful. I don’t have a TV now but I never used one for background noise. I like to hear the birds and crickets and wind and rain.
Get rest.
I make sure to get enough sleep. I also take time to rest in the afternoons, with tea and music or a good book. We need rest to assimilate new information. I also like to take walks alone in the mornings before our day begins. It helps me to recharge. We have a restful and peaceful home and homeschool without stress or rushing around with too many obligations.
Express yourself.
I think too many of us spend too much time worrying about what others think and we seldom express our true selves, maybe not even to ourselves. Do what you love. Create. Write. Wear the hat. Buy the shoes. Paint your nails. Do what you love. Be who you are meant to be. Often expressing emotions in a creative or healthy way can help us to overcome the past or the negativity. I’m still learning to get in touch with my creative side after years of suppression.
Be affectionate.
Life is too short for regrets. While I’m not a big hugger, I remind myself to fill up the love tanks of my children. I learn their love languages and listen for their needs and I try to meet them.
Replace the voice.
You know the one. That sometimes rather loud voice that tells you that you’re not enough. Start training that voice to say something else. Think positive. While there’s always room for improvement, it’s never necessary to beat yourself down. Grant yourself small victories and reward yourself for meeting little goals.
Eat well.
I evaluated our eating habits years ago and made some changes and we’re all a lot healthier on natural whole foods than processed, chemical dyes, artificial flavorings, and fake sugars. We like good food and we learn how to make it as a family.
I often need to remind myself about this list.
It’s my job to be a role model for my children, modeling healthy emotional behaviors and reactions.
I also use essential oils and take dietary supplements and I feel that these help boost my moods. I’m always learning. I’m always re-evaluating my priorities.
I still sometimes sink into a rut or something upsets me or reminds me of the past. It’s important to allow a moment to grieve. It’s healthy to give into emotions and embrace them occasionally, but never to wallow in the negative.
And never say the trite little “Just smile more. Just pray more. Just be happy. How can you be sad?”
Depression is real. This is how I choose to manage it.
I sit here with such a weight on my chest, reading about a father who died suddenly in his sleep the other night…and another family whose car rolled off a mountain road, killing the parents and sending the two children to ICU…and countless other families walking through chronic illness or deployment or estrangement or just being far away from loved ones.
Christmas time is bittersweet for many families.
I woke to a phone ringing from Maryland on New Year’s Day 1994.
One morning, my grandmother didn’t wake up. She was discovered by a neighbor several days later. She lived lonely alone. I hadn’t seen her for two years, since my father had a fight with her.
Christmases were always tainted with walking on eggshells around my father.
Christmas Eves were spent at my aunt’s house, surrounded by cousins, nervous whispers in corners. I never knew what was going on, who was mad at who or why.
My father chose to stay home while I was whisked out into the chill evening wearing my overpriced Christmas dress and patent leather shoes alongside my mom and paternal grandma to eat ham and potato salad and watch all the cousins open their gifts.
This was their entire holiday celebration. I still had Christmas morning to look forward to.
But there was always something negative lurking in the corners that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.
For many, it is “always winter but never Christmas.”
But it doesn’t have to be. And we should protect the children from the endless bitterness of cold, hard winter.
Christmas wants you: “Winter has begun to melt away, I have broken through at last – long live the true King!”
Kids are often oblivious to the negativity.
Thank God they often don’t know the horrors of the world or the sorrows of adults.
Kids see the magic and glory of the lights. While we didn’t attend church and Jesus was an imaginary baby in storybook Bibles and a name at my grandma’s church.
I realize it doesn’t matter if the cookies look perfect. The presents under the tree don’t have to be all sorted perfectly (maybe that child has more this year but this child had lots last year, etc.) or wrapped with elegant mismatching paper, no seams showing. Bows are a waste of money. My haphazard decorations look like Christmas vomited all over the windowsill. I am no interior designer. Our tree never has themes – it has more handmade ornaments than designer trinkets and no twirling, swirling ribbon at all. No one will ever accuse me of having a house that looks like it’s out of a magazine (unless it’s Mad magazine.) We have no garland anywhere.
The kids don’t compare our house to others. They love the magic and will remember it as theirs.
Christmas memories will be about feelings and smells and tastes.
I want my children to remember the yummy prime rib and twice baked potatoes and not the spilled wine. I want them to remember the fuzzy pajamas and warm cocoa with Christmas stories around the twinkling Christmas tree. I don’t want the confusion of angry whispers and shots of Jack and stifled tears. No hiding behind masks. I want them to remember the snuggling while we read the Advent lessons every evening.
It’s ok that Christmas be bittersweet. It’s healthy to take the joy with the pain.
Like the song, Hard Candy Christmas:
“Lord, it’s like a hard candy Christmas I’m barely getting through tomorrow But still I won’t let Sorrow bring me way down.”
It’s my job to protect my kids from the horrors of this world as long as I can, but also to prepare them to deal with the negative in a healthy way. I need to be a role model.
At the deep darkest time of the year – in cold winter (for half the world) – a Light was born in the darkness.
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in winter and make sure my vitamin D levels are high.
