How Deployment Affects Kids

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November 26, 2018 By Jennifer 12 Comments

Our first deployment, the kids were young.

Our kids were 9, 4 1/2, 3 1/2, and 9 1/2 months.

He left for Kandahar, Afghanistan, in mid-January. I was all alone in Utah – far from family, and friends were almost non-existent.

I’m pretty self-sufficient.

Sure, I had some bad days.

We had a blizzard. I burned the garlic toast one night at dinner. We had a basement flood on Memorial Day.

Overall, we did well, considering.

Our second deployment, the kids are older.

They’re 18, 12, 11, and 8.

It’s so different, but not necessarily easier.

As a homeschooling mom of 4, deployment can be lonely and difficult at times. We have no help – no family nearby, no support system. We are self-reliant. I am an introvert.

I simplify for sanity some days, or even weeks. Sometimes, I buy storebought baked goods, rotisserie chickens for dinner, canned biscuits, and these new natural Lunchables. My time is valued and these shortcuts help us a lot when life gets hectic. We’ve even gone out to eat a few times!

Cutting corners is fine. I have to give myself a break.

I don’t want to drive 4 kids all over town every day or all weekend. I limit errands and activities to save time and money and yes, it’s hard to say no sometimes. I have to judge what’s the best use of our time and money. I can’t be in two places at once. We participate in activities together as much as possible – art lessons, classes at our local craft stores, rec sports at the same park.

Bedtime is earlier. After dinner, I’m just spent. I want to take a bubble bath and lie in bed watching Netflix with my cats.

My kids are older now and they can help a lot more around the house. The kids understand. I use Facebook Messenger Kids to remind them to load the dishwasher.

Holidays can be different. We don’t have to eat turkey at Thanksgiving. We can celebrate Christmas on a different, more convenient, day. We can eat a picnic in the living room with the TV on.

We maintain routines as much as possible for our comfort and my sanity.

We pray and read and cook and eat. We get outside and exercise almost every day, no matter the weather. We snuggle and love the cats.

We allow the tears and sadness because it’s healthy to express all emotions.

How Does Deployment Affect Kids?

Most people think deployment must just be really hard and negative for families. While there are certainly sad times, I think deployment can help families grow stronger.

Infants

My son didn’t much seem to notice anything different. I was his primary caretaker and that didn’t change. If he noticed or wondered why Dad wasn’t home evenings or weekends all of a sudden, he couldn’t communicate that question.

My son was mostly oblivious to everything during the first deployment. It was just regular life for him. Of course, he picked up on my emotions and stress. It seemed like Dad missed so much – his first steps and his first birthday. So much growth.

It was a little awkward with the homecoming and he sorta remembered Dad, but it took a little while for them to get comfortable with each other again.

Toddlers

Kids in this age group are not known for flexibility or handling change well. I think it’s hard to explain something complex like deployment to small children.

They wonder if he’s coming back, if he’ll be safe or get hurt. They develop abandonment issues. They become very clingy. It’s hard for them to express emotions and handle stress.

My youngest daughter was and is pretty independent and I don’t think she was too concerned about Dad being gone, but she wasn’t really able to process or express anything about it.

I kept the kids on a routine to help us all adjust more easily.

Preschoolers

It was so super hard on my middle daughter during the first deployment. She pretty much slept in my bed the entire time Dad was gone. She struggled with abandonment feelings. She struggled with middle child issues. She couldn’t process her emotions nor express her fears. She’s always been our sensitive one.

It helped her to grow. She’s strong now as a 12 year old and amazes me every day as my helper in all things.

Elementary

My eldest daughter has always had to be strong for her siblings, and sometimes even for me. She’s had to be responsible from a very young age. She was a huge help during the first deployment.

My 8 year old son is feeling it hardest for this second deployment. He’s gotten better into a routine now that we’re about halfway through. There are lonely times for him as the only boy in a houseful of girls. I help him use his time serving, helping, and learning.

He misses his Dad.

Tweens

My middle girls at age 11 and 12 are pretty indifferent about this second deployment. They chat and FaceTime with Dad frequently and they don’t really feel (or don’t express) the distance. They send him photos on email and chat and create drawings for the care packages we send. Maybe they’re just well adjusted and accepting.

Teens

My eldest is now eighteen, and fairly independent. She still relies on me for advice and help, especially during crises. She hasn’t taken her driving test yet for her license yet.

But sometimes, she thinks she knows everything. She’s not very affected by the deployment. She helps at home and works with me on schedules so I can do everything we need to do. I know she’s angry and wishes her life had been different.

Don’t we all have regrets? Military life has its ups and downs but we’ve had amazing opportunities. She realizes this, but sometimes feels disappointment at our lack of roots.

She’s learning valuable lessons about fidelity, duty, love, and relationships.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Military life builds resilience, flexibility, independence, value, and perspective.

I’m making memories with these kids – who are living for 8ish months without a father, except on FaceTime, messenger, and email. I have to make it as special and good as possible. I do try to hide my negative emotions and I try never, ever, to lash out at them when I’m stressed. I don’t want Dad to only hear about problems. He needs to be part of the joy and celebration too, so he doesn’t feel he’s missing so much.

After close to a year apart, we have to learn each other again.

Yes, it’s hard sometimes.

They know we’re in this together.

You might also like My Tips for Surviving Motherhood During Deployment.

Linking up: Our Holiday Journey, Create with Joy, Pinventures, Organized Dream, Mostly Blogging, Inspo for Moms, Darling Downs Diaries, Blogghetti, Chicken Chick, Coffee with Us3, Mrs. Tee, Timeless Mama, Holley Gerth, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, My Uncommon Slice of Suburbia, Trekking Thru, Purposeful Faith, Abounding Grace, Jessi’s Design, Wise Woman, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Over the Moon, Mississippi Mom, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, CWJ, Fireman’s Wife, Overwhelmed to Fulfilled, Easy Peasy pleasy, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Being a Wordsmith, Penny’s Passion, Counting My Blessings, Crystal Waddell, Mommynificent, Be Thee Inspired, Crystal Storms, CKK, TFT, Lori Schumaker, Imparting Grace, Lyli Dunbar, Simply Sweet Home, Life with Lorelai, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Our Mini Family,

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Personal Growth

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October 15, 2018 By Jennifer 1 Comment

I wasn’t a healthy youth, teen, or young adult.My parents had narcissistic tendencies. They were also suffocatingly overprotective. I’m an only child. Naturally, I grew up with some unhealthy coping mechanisms.I eloped when I was 21. He was 28. My parents disowned me. They mailed me a copy of their legal will, torn into shreds. My father didn’t attend my master’s degree graduation ceremony.It was a special time.I was too young, inexperienced, naïve, the works. We were inexperienced in so many ways. He wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t right for him. We weren’t right for each other.He was a drug dealer and addicted to porn.And I really didn’t know.Four years of abuse, including verbal/emotional, sexual, and physical, and the emotional and spiritual abuse from the churches his family attended led me on a serious journey of self-discovery.

If you lose someone, but find yourself, you won.

{Get the journal.}

I left him in 2001. We’ve been divorced since 2002.

You cannot heal in the same environment where you were hurt.

The church really attacked me over the divorce. I felt so alone.There have been some interesting developments with his niece over the years. I can’t even begin to understand his family and their choices and decisions.His family were my first exposure to Christianity and it damaged me. It continues to affect my faith walk.

I am not the same as when I was in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

My ex posted this in August 2018.

So that’s his perception and we’re all entitled to our own perception.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” ~Anne Lamott

Once a person reaches age 50+, maybe learn to move on and show some personal growth?Is social media the place to work out your emotional baggage, seek personal affirmation, and discuss people behind their back?Oh, wait…

I minored in psychology at university. I was *this close* to a double major.I’ve read a lot about narcissism and other mental disorders and illnesses. It’s kind of a hobby, and I have a very personal interest.Did I and do I have narcissistic tendencies?Absolutely.But I’m more an empath and I find this article absolutely fascinating comparing empaths and narcissists.And this other article about empaths and narcissists.How narcissists manipulate.A pretty accurate list of narcissist traits.

“An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts, and emotions of others while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.”

As a child of narcissists, I recognize these destructive tendencies and I actively steer my attitudes and actions away from repeating the cycle of abuse. There’s even a Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder, PNSD.I was wounded.On my journey of self-discovery, I have learned the hard lesson of how to forgive. I no longer blame my ex for the problems we faced while we were in a relationship. I used to be very angry and bitter. Negativity ate me up inside. Now, when I remember, they are just facts. The events happened. I am unemotional about it. I am no longer ashamed or afraid.He had his issues and I had mine. But I feel that I have mostly overcome my issues. I feel much more comfortable with who I am now than I did then.I have grown up.I have moved on.The best thing I ever did was leave the state where I grew up and where my ex and his family still reside. I took my daughter and we literally and figuratively escaped.I had to be independent of my parents.I had to learn to be self-reliant.I had to develop my own identity.Most kids do this gradually as teens and young adults, but I wasn’t allowed to do this in a natural or healthy way.I’m not going to rehash the failures in our relationship or the issues during and after the divorce. Perhaps another time.After many years of no contact from my ex, and no child support payments of the $20k+ back payments he owed, my current husband adopted my daughter. We also have three kids together. We realize that we are not perfect people. We have had our struggles and we had to grow up and learn what duty and commitment and healthy relationships look like. We have no role models. It’s been almost 14 years now.For years, my parents accused me of so many horrible things, of being an ungrateful daughter. They have written me hate mail – via paper letter and email – about how poorly I am raising my children, what a terrible mother I am, that I should physically discipline my kids. They even found a therapist to agree with them, to blame me for their unhappiness with themselves and the world, or so they said. They are bitter, angry people.And I no longer blame my parents for who they are and how mean they sometimes were. I forgive them. It still hurts and their words and actions affect me deep inside my core because they are my parents.I’ve done everything I can to break the cycle of abuse. I am constantly seeking ways of self-improvement.My daughter, who is now 18, struggles with abandonment issues even though she hasn’t physically seen her biological father since she was four years old. She contacted him via social media last year – with my knowledge and blessing – and has experienced nothing but disappointment and heartbreak as he accuses her of being brainwashed with my lies. He recently blocked her on Facebook and bragged about that to his family and friends – so any conversation between him and our daughter is over for the time being.I have so much paperwork to back up my story. I ache for her to heal the wounds of her past. I long for her to be healthy and whole. I pray for her relationships and mental health.And as for my parents…Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?Living in Texas, Hawaii, Utah, Germany, and now Ohio, and only having very limited contact with my parents has forced them to grow too. They’re 76 now.My father just sent me an email apologizing for his poor behavior and emotional distance the past twenty years – since I left home.So, we’re still making progress.Sometimes it does help to talk to mental health professional.

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Military Children and Toxic Stress

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October 13, 2018 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

This post is done in partnership with Stress Health, an initiative of the Center for Youth Wellness, but the opinions expressed are my own.

For military children, toxic stress can be an ongoing threat.

I know there have been seasons when we’ve been under extreme stress, and I’ve done all I can to alleviate it to keep our family on an even keel. Sometimes, it’s just so hard.

Life comes at us fast. Marriage, babies, elderly parents with illness or death, moving around a lot — sometimes on short notice or being deployed overseas, losing jobs and career as I follow my husband.

It seems that we’ve done it all.

Some years, we test really high on the stress index. It’s been a roller coaster of fifteen years and counting.

You can take Stress Health’s quiz to find out if you experienced the kind of childhood adversity that predisposes you to toxic stress.

We are fortunate to have four very resilient kids.

Children may be at special risk from the stress of military life.

Living with high stress almost all the time can mirror symptoms of ADHD and PTSD (post-traumatic syndrome disorder). Behavioral and emotional issues can arise from living in perpetual flight or fight mode. It feels like constant anxiety.

Stress that Affects Military Families:

Permanent Change of Station orders (PCS)

Military life involves moving frequently. Moving is always stressful, even if it’s desired and exciting. There’s just so much to do.

Kids can get lost in the shuffle of organizing and packing, traveling and unpacking.

Taking some time to comfort and explain the moving process to kids helps them to work through their emotions. There’s a lot involved in preparing for a PCS. We each process our grief in different ways when leaving a new place and starting over.

We like to give our kids little jobs to help them own the process and feel more in control during this tumultuous time.

We purge our household goods every few years before each move and have the kids help, sorting through things they’ve outgrown. They can label their toys and choose which ones to take in their backpacks. They can put personalized stickers on their room’s boxes to easily recognize them for unloading and unpacking. They get to arrange and decorate their rooms in the new house.

Deployment

Having a parent leave for months at a time is stressful on a family.

It can be dangerous for the deployed spouse, depending on his job and location.

Communication is often sporadic – and never seems available when we need it.

Anything that can go wrong seems to go wrong during deployment – injury, illness, flood, cats dying, car trouble.

Helping kids through this difficult time is a priority.

We gave our young kids pillows with pictures of Dad during our first deployment. He recorded a little book that they looked at and listened to often.

The time difference is always an issue. We have a clock labeled with the time where Dad is located. We have a countdown calendar that I printed for our youngest to mark off each day that Dad is away.

The kids each have their own iPad minis, and they often message or video-chat with Dad now that they’re older.

It’s hard to balance events of home life when I’m basically acting as a single mom to four kids. They rely on me and each other, and there’s no one to help.

Sometimes, it’s lonely and a struggle. Weekends and holidays just suck.

Homecoming is also stressful.

The expectations just don’t match the reality.

We’re not really into posters and balloons and warm fuzzy videos.

We do get to meet him at the airplane gate: That’s a perk. He’s tired and greasy from maybe 24 hours or more of travel. We’re excited but feel trepidation for the reintegration process.

I feel that any joyful moments are stolen from us when commanders and coworkers arrive at the airport baggage claim to welcome him home. There’s no privacy. I hate feeling like all eyes are on me, observing my reactions too closely. We probably don’t look or feel happy enough. We’re all running on adrenaline.

At that point, we just stand aside, uncomfortable and awkward as the military members surround him to share their understanding of the deployment.

We feel lost and forgotten.

It can take weeks to get back to a routine and used to each other again. The kids don’t know whether to smother him or ignore him. Life has gone on for months in his absence. The kids and I have all shared it, and we have our little memories and private jokes.

Friendships

Maintaining close friendships is difficult with military life.

We’ve learned to jump in and try to meet people as soon as we arrive at a new location. We don’t have time to waste when we’re at a base for only two to four years.

We are transient, third culture people, and we are too quickly forgotten by friends and acquaintances once we move away.

Many people don’t understand military life and don’t want to invest in a temporary friendship.

It always hurts to be forgotten, and we sometimes build up a wall around our hearts so we’re not hurt. I’m saddened to see this in my kids as they grow up. They’re self-reliant and have few friends.

School and Activities

Kids experience stress with school and activities, and it just compounds when they have to find new ones every few years.

My kids show talent with sports, music, art, and other activities…but it’s hard to find new teachers and coaches every few years.

There’s no continuity.

Church shopping is no fun, either. We’ve all but given up on finding anywhere welcoming.

Retirement

So many unknowns loom during the end of a military career.

Lots of decisions have to be made in a short time period.

When the kids are still young and living at home, we want to include them and their needs in the process of retirement. We want them to feel safe, comfortable, and happy with where we choose to retire and settle down.

When nowhere and everywhere is home, finding somewhere to settle for good is just scary.

Military life has its benefits. We are perhaps more thankful for our freedoms and don’t take them for granted. The stresses we experience as a military family are just our life.

Learn more about stress and healing.

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How To Talk To Your Kids About Divorce

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August 23, 2018 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

How To Talk To Your Kids About Divorce: 5 Tips

Divorce can be a traumatic event for every member of the family.

When a marriage ends, it can affect everyone differently, but it may have an especially significant impact on your kids. Some experts believe that divorce can have a lifelong impact on children, and others believe support and understanding is the key to helping them through the crisis.

If you and your spouse are preparing to divorce, there are a few different strategies you can use to talk to your kids in a way that may help them understand.

1. Do Not Wait

If you and your spouse have decided that divorce is the only option, then it is a good idea to discuss it with your children as soon as possible. Putting it off only delays the inevitable, and the sooner they are aware of the situation, the more time they have to ask questions. If possible, schedule a time where you and your spouse can speak to them together, so they understand both their parents are there for them.

2. Be Concise

Cutting back on details about your divorce can be especially helpful when you are dealing with younger kids between the ages of five to eight. Explain briefly what divorce means and how it will change your family. If the child questions why you are splitting, you can simply explain that you and your spouse are no longer happy and that it affects the happiness of the entire family.

It is important to consider the different ages of your kids when discussing divorce. Preteens and teenagers may experience a variety of emotions, from self-blame to anger at you and your spouse. Do all you can to reassure them the divorce is about your relationship with your partner, not them or their siblings, and that your love for them has not changed.

3. Do Not Project Your Feelings

While it is normal for you and your children to be upset when discussing a divorce, remember that this is not the time to vent your feelings of anger, disappointment, and fear or to project them onto your kids. They will no doubt be dealing with some very powerful emotions themselves, so while it may be difficult, try to put aside what you feel, avoid belittling or verbally bashing your spouse, and try to give your children the support they are going to need.

4. Seek Legal Advice Beforehand

Consulting a legal firm that has experience with family law, such as Cordell & Cordell, can provide you with the information you need before you talk to your kids. For example, a knowledgeable lawyer will likely be able to help you work out custody details and offer wise advice so you can answer your kids’ questions with more confidence. This may also help your children feel a bit more at ease.

5. Do Not Make Kids Choose

Putting older kids in the middle of your divorce can make them feel anxious, tense, and angry. If there is a question of custody, it is important that you work it out with your spouse instead of making the children choose who they would rather live with. This can cause them to feel pressured and as if the other parent might not love them anymore because of their choice.

Forcing your kids to make choices about your divorce can cause them great mental stress. Instead, make an effort to consult a local family firm like Cordell & Cordell, which has offices in many states and can help you make the best choices about custody so your kids do not have to.

Divorce can be rough on every member of the family, but none so much as your kids. However, even if it is your only option, honesty and offering loving support can help them endure.

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12 Bullying Warning Signs

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July 16, 2018 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

When kids head back to school these days they face some big stressors in addition to homework grades and peer pressure. Concerns about bullying and its relationship to school violence add another layer of stress.

More than 43% of teens report being bullied online; additionally, teens are more than twice as likely to tell their peers about bullying than they are to tell parents or other adults, one study found. Victims of bullying and other early trauma often carry emotional scars into adulthood, Dr. Nelson, author of the bestselling book “The Emotion Code,” explains in this short video.

12 bullying warning signs parents should watch for:

Emotional upset, anxiety, and depression.
Frequent headaches and stomach aches.
Faking illness.
Unexplainable injuries.
Changes in eating habits.
Poor sleep / frequent nightmares.
A drop in school performance.
Not wanting to go to school.
Sudden loss of friends.
Avoidance of social situations.
Low self-esteem.
Self-destructive behaviors including self-harm, running away, or talking about suicide.

Dr. Nelson explains why some kids become bullies and others can become targets of bullying. He can share how parents can talk with their children to uncover and heal the emotional trauma of bullying, as well as other steps and when to take them.

“Many kids who are victimized by bullying don’t ask for help because they are afraid of being seen as weak or a tattletale, or fear backlash from the bully or rejection by friends,” Dr. Nelson says. “As a result, parents are often the last ones to know.”

“Take necessary action with the school and/or the bullies’ parents to assure the child’s safety,” Dr. Nelson says. “Help the child to know that he or she is valued and that it is safe to communicate with you as a parent or a counselor.”

About Dr. Bradley Nelson:

A holistic Chiropractic Physician and Medical Intuitive, Dr. Bradley Nelson is one of the world’s foremost experts in the emerging fields of Bioenergetic Medicine and Energy Psychology. He has certified thousands of practitioners worldwide in helping people overcome unresolved anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and other negative emotions and their associated physical symptoms. His bestselling book, “The Emotion Code,” provides step-by-step instructions for working with the body’s healing power. Download a free copy of the ebook and the audiobook by visiting www.EmotionCodeGift.com.

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It’s OK That You’re Not OK

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June 5, 2018 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

Some high profile suicides in the news these last few years. They had seemingly perfect lives. So why were they depressed? Why didn’t their family and friends know or save them?

I cried when I learned that Robin Williams had died. He was a comedian, but apparently the clown hid tears behind the smile.

Several musicians have died recently, combined with struggles from addictions.

Kate Spade was 55 years old and found in her New York apartment. Her 13-year-old daughter was at school, and officials said a note was found at the scene, telling her it was not her fault.

“Mental health issues do not discriminate. By all accounts, Kate Spade “had it all”-money, success, fame. None of these things matter when you are sick. Kate was not selfish. Kate was not weak. Kate was sick.” ~Twitter.

Then I wake up to news that Anthony Bourdain allegedly committed suicide in France. He was 61.

His mother, Gladys Bourdain, who was a longtime editor at The New York Times, said she had no indication that Mr. Bourdain might have been thinking of suicide. “He is absolutely the last person in the world I would have ever dreamed would do something like this,” Ms. Bourdain said.

This hit me hard. I have always loved his shows and personality.

“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you… You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.” ~Anthony Bourdain

But the media and most of us move on. How much does it really affect us?

Anyone can suffer from mental illness, depression…and contemplate or succeed with committing suicide.

If you’re struggling, please reach out. Mental illness is treatable, help is available, and suicide is preventable. You don’t need to suffer in silence. Reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting “BRAVE” to 741-741 for free crisis support or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

These guidelines for reporting on suicide can save lives.

As author of the newly published book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine says that while the conversation around Spade’s death may focus on how people need access to good healthcare/resources in order to prevent suicide, people like Ms. Spade, Robin Williams, and many others have LOTS of resources at their disposal. Access is important, says Devine, but the stigma attached to asking for help is the actual barrier.

Suicide rates in the U.S. increased for everyone between the ages of 10 and 74 from 1999 to 2014, according to the CDC.

It’s ok that you’re not ok.

So many are affected by depression. Some experience depressive episodes periodically, while others suffer from some form of depression all the time. Even when symptoms seem to alleviate for a while, it always lurks in the background.

Weather, illness, chronic pain, loneliness, conflict, and more make depression symptoms worse.

Common stressors are much harder to bounce back from, and cause extra anxiety and worry.

Medication can help, but there are often side effects to consider. Therapy is expensive and often just offers platitudes and weak advice without really helping.

There’s still so much stigma around depression and suicide, including:

“The “cheer up, it’s not that bad” cult of positivity, that pervasive pathologizing of sadness, that eternal advice culture that says it’s your fault if anything is wrong.

Just pray more. I really loathe the whole idea that Christians can’t be depressed. That’s a dangerous attitude.

Life is hard sometimes. Life hurts. When we can’t come to that with respect and kindness – when we can’t respond to that in ourselves and in each other – with respect and kindness, people go silent, and silence can kill you.

Military families suffer in silence. No one wants to be labeled with a mental illness. It can affect careers.

Stress and anxiety in a world of curated perfection on social media makes us strive to reach for something unattainable. It’s not real.

The holidays are especially difficult for people suffering from depression. We feel lost and alone. Stress and perfectionism make us feel worse. The expectations are too much.

Seasonal depression symptoms increase when daylight savings time ends. It really sucks when it gets dark at 5:30 and it’s too cold to go outside.

We need help. We need connection. We need relationship.

Reach out. Bother us. Ask how we’re managing. Invite us anyway. Listen. Just sit there with me. Call, text, email, message.

It’s ok that you’re not ok.

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Blue Christmas

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December 24, 2017 By Jennifer 5 Comments

I led a Blue Christmas service on Winter Solstice at my church last year.

Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

The Longest Night Service or Blue Christmas is held on the Winter Solstice to temper the struggle with darkness and grief faced by those living with loss, separation, or illness. The service coincides with the traditional feast day for Saint Thomas the Apostle.

Jesus said, “Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

And so we invite each other to this time of peaceful worship. Flee for a while from your tasks. Hide yourself for a little space from the turmoil of your thoughts. Come, cast aside your burdensome cares and put aside your laborious pursuits. Give your time to God, and rest in God for a little while.

Much of the liturgy I borrowed from a pdf I found online from Palo Cristi Presbyterian Church. I already have ideas for next year!

It was a calm, quiet, casual service. No standing, no greeting. No wishing anyone “Merry Christmas.”

The lights were dim.

About 25 people worshiped together on the longest night of the year.

Our pastor welcomed everyone.

Her husband played guitar.

Our music director played piano.

My middle daughters were acolytes and lit the altar candles.

I began with a poem, First Coming by Madeleine L’Engle.

He did not wait till the world was ready,
till men and nations were at peace.
He came when the Heavens were unsteady,
and prisoners cried out for release.

He did not wait for the perfect time.
He came when the need was deep and great.
He dined with sinners in all their grime,
turned water into wine. He did not wait

till hearts were pure. In joy he came
to a tarnished world of sin and doubt.
To a world like ours, of anguished shame
he came, and his Light would not go out.

He came to a world which did not mesh,
to heal its tangles, shield its scorn.
In the mystery of the Word made Flesh
the Maker of the stars was born.

We cannot wait till the world is sane
to raise our songs with joyful voice,
for to share our grief, to touch our pain,
He came with Love: Rejoice! Rejoice!

HYMN: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

CLAIMING A PLACE OF SAFETY

One: This night is ours.

All: Here we find refuge from bright lights, holiday songs, celebrations, and the expectations of everyone around us.

One: In this safe place, we can admit our pain, our loss, our fears, and no one will judge us.

All: No one will tell us to be happy or merry. No one will think less of us because we cannot celebrate this season. Above all, no one will find our tears inconvenient or inappropriate.

One: Here, we can pour our hearts out honestly and claim our own kind of meaning from this season.

All: Here, we are welcome even if we’re cynical, even if we’re angry, even if we scoff at the mention of hope and meaning.

One: Tonight, we can be where we are. We do not need to hide or pretend or feel guilty, even if our grief, our pain, our anger seems ugly to the world.

All: We can release our need to please others and be ourselves.

One: Let us be at peace.

All: We are safe here. We are accepted here. There are no demands.

One: Let us be sanctuary for one another.

All: We say to each other: Lay your burdens here. Cast your sorrows into the circle of light. Bask in the warmth that is life.

One: We say to each other: There is more to life than pain. There is more to life than sorrow. Wait for it. Watch for it. Welcome it.

This evening we confess that we are profoundly in need of God’s mercy, so let us sing “Kyrie Eleison,” the Greek words meaning “Lord, have mercy.”

SUNG CONFESSION: Kyrie Eleison

RESPONSIVE PRAYER

One: Signs of celebration surround us.

All: What can we celebrate?

One: Here. Now. We can only celebrate and embrace this moment. This breath. Even if it hurts.

All: There is breath. There is life. Each new moment we breathe this air, there is hope of unexpected comfort, joy, and love.

One: We are precious. Every breath we take is significant and a victory. Our being and Our lives are the greatest and most irreplaceable treasure.

All: Even when life is filled with pain, it is a miracle worthy of awe and reverence.

One: There is a miracle to celebrate on this dark and quiet night. It is within us.

All: Our eyes see the stars of the night sky. Our lips form words of comfort and truth. Our feet carry us where we bid them. Our backs bear our burdens until we can put them down. Each courageous act is a triumph.

One: We are privileged to live out our lives surrounded by everyday wonders:

All: Trees and their dappled shade, birds and their varied songs, blue skies and changing clouds;

One: Thunderstorms and sea breezes, mugs of hot coffee or tea, music, afternoon naps,

All: hot baths and hot showers, good-smelling soaps,

One: the Milky Way, and warm smiles from strangers,

All: And every day the pale creeping dawn signals new beginning. Each day the commonplace is miraculous.

One: We are not alone. Isolation is a myth and a lie.

All: There are thousands of people, hundreds of thousands of people, who tonight are one with us in our questions and doubts.

One: Some are in this room. Some we cannot see or touch. But the human bond is there nonetheless.

All: Hundreds of thousands of people whose simple existence makes each of us stronger,

One: A human community where we can comfort and serve each other.

All: Even in the face of sorrow we can find sources of hope and reasons to rejoice we can share that hope and that joy with each other.

One: We can put our arms around each other in unity and understanding.

All: We are not alone.

GATHERING HYMN: Wait for the Lord by Taizé

SCRIPTURE READINGS

Two of our church leaders and my teen daughter read these.

Luke 14:15-24: This story offers hope for those who have no one to invite them. It reminds us that in God’s divine order, no one is excluded-all are invited.

Matthew 11:28-29: When burdens get piled on top of other burdens, the load can crush us. In his promise, Jesus offers us help to carry our burdens and responsibilities.

Revelation 7:15-17: Our present world is not how God wants things to be. Those who weep now will not weep later. In this new heaven and new earth, there will be no more need for tears.

HYMN: O Come, Emmanuel #123

CANDLELIGHTING

My four children did this part so beautifully.

We light four candles tonight. We light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, and one for our love.

Reader 1: This candle represents our grief. We own the pain of losing loved ones, of dreams that go unfulfilled, of hopes that evaporate in despair.

Reader 2: This candle represents our courage. It symbolizes the courage to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to share our feelings honestly and openly with each other, and to dare to hope in the midst of pain.

Reader 3: This candle represents our memories. For the times we laughed together, cried together, were angry with each other or overjoyed with each other. We light this candle for the memories of caring and joy we shared together.

Reader 4: This candle represents our love. The love we have given, and the love we have received. The love that has gone unacknowledged and unfelt, and the love that has been shared in times of joy and sorrow.

Leader: You are now invited to come forward to light one of the tealight candles which represents your burdens, griefs, sorrows, all those things that make Christmas a “blue” time for you.

Leader: We now light the Christ candle, remembering that Jesus Christ is always in the center of our lives. He hears our cries, he knows our hearts and, in the midst of all our thoughts and emotions, he offers us hope and healing.

PRAYER

Comforting God, wrap us in your presence in this time of remembrance.

With these candles, help us find your light, a light that will guide us day by day, step by step, as we try to live life fully and whole.

We cherish the special ways in which we have been touched by our loved ones.

We thank you for the gift their lives have been to us. Now comfort us, encourage us, and empower us. AMEN.

HYMN: In the Bleak Midwinter

HOMILY by Jennifer Lambert

I am a failure.

I’ve failed at so many things.

I’ve failed at school, at work, as a friend, as a wife, as a mom, in my community, as a Christian.

I imagine most people can relate to failing at some point.

During the holidays, many of us feel like a failure.

All the lights, music, decorations, events, celebrations are overwhelming.

It can make one’s mouth hurt to constantly speak with such forced merriment.

I don’t have Pinterest-worthy decorations. I get overwhelmed making homemade meals and treats all season-long. I can’t buy all the gifts for all the people on my list. It’s a comparison trap, looking over my shoulder, on social media at what others are doing, making, buying that seem better, more meaningful, more memorable.

I need more time, more energy, more money.

Or I do I need to just change my expectations?

Most failure is because of failed expectations.

Mary was a failure.

Mary was pregnant before her wedding to Joseph. In any time period, that is scandalous.

Her pregnancy was unexpected. She was an unexpected bride. She lived an unexpected life.

Did Mary feel like a failure as a wife?

She delivered her firstborn son in a stable. Suddenly, unexpectedly. Was she scared? Was she disappointed at those conditions?

She later witnessed her firstborn son ridiculed, beaten, crucified, dead, buried.

Did Mary feel like a failure as a mother?

Joseph was a failure.

Joseph wanted to quietly divorce Mary when he found out she was already pregnant and he knew he wasn’t the father. Joseph followed through after the angel commanded him to take Mary as his bride anyway.

Joseph traveled to Bethlehem with a very pregnant Mary for the census. He couldn’t find a room for her to stay in, much less to give birth in.

How uncomfortable must that journey have been? I’ve had 4 traumatic birth experiences, but in a stable?

Did Joseph panic?

Did Joseph feel ashamed?

He knowingly entered into a blended family.

Did Joseph feel like a failure as a husband and stepfather?

Jesus was a failure.

Born in a stable.

Exiled to Egypt.

Living in obscurity as a carpenter.

Rising as an unexpected leader.

Nathanael claimed: “Nothing good can come out of Nazareth.”

Jesus was supposed to rescue the Jews from the Romans. He wasn’t the king they were expecting.

The Jews rejected Jesus as the Messiah. Even though He fulfilled prophecy, Jesus’ radical teachings and ways were unexpected. He shook the bureaucracy.

Then Jesus was arrested, tortured, crucified, killed, buried.

He rose from the grave, but still they struggled to understand.

Jesus was a failure because He didn’t fulfill human expectations.

And yet He loves us because we know not what we do.

Who has seen the new Star Wars movie? No spoilers, but I love this line:

Failure is our greatest learning.

We can’t avoid failure. But what do we do with it? Do we mope and wallow in the negativity, beating ourselves up, refusing to try again?

We must learn from our failures.

When we are weak, He is strong. In our failure, He is magnified and glorified.

We must realize our potential,

practice peace,

and learn our purpose.

It’s one thing for others to see your potential. It’s quite another for you to understand and see potential in yourself.

We must have courage to fail and have peace with ourselves and others. We must forgive ourselves and others. We must learn to apologize and make amends to heal relationships with others. We have to learn to let go of hurts.

Growth is painful. We must pray to realize our purpose, even if it’s unexpected. We must stop striving to be someone else, listening to those inner voices telling us we’re not good enough. Looking ahead and planning is good, but let’s not lose sight of the blessings and opportunities right in front of us, in this moment.

Being a student is enough. Being a spouse is enough. Being a parent is enough.

You are enough.

Pray with me:

May God bless us with discomfort at half-truths, easy answers, and superficial relationships, so that we will live deeply and from the heart.

May God bless us with righteous anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that we will work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless us with tears to shed for those in pain, so that we will reach out our hands to them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with just enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in this old world, so that we will do those unexpected things that others say cannot be done.

Jesus Christ is the light of the world, the light no darkness can overcome.

Stay with us, Lord, for it is evening, and the day is almost over.

Let your light scatter the darkness and illumine your people. Amen.

LORICA OF ST. PATRICK

L: I arise today
C: Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity
Through belief in the threeness
Through confession of the Oneness
Towards the creator.

L: I arise today
C: Through God’s strength to pilot me:
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to guard me,
God’s way to lie before me,
God’s host to secure me.

L: I arise today
C: Through the strength of Christ with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension
Through the strength of his descent for the Judgment of doom.

L: Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
C: Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
L: Christ on my right, Christ on my left
C: Christ where I lie, Christ where I sit, Christ where I arise
L: Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
C: Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
L: Christ in every eye that sees me,
C: Christ in every ear that hears me.

L: Salvation is of the Lord
C: Salvation is of the Lord
L: Salvation is of Christ
C: May thy salvation, O Lord, be ever with us.

HYMN: Silent Night #147

BLESSING

One: Let us face the trials of a bright season with an inner calm because we know there are deeper meanings.

All: We have looked into the pool of suffering and we have not lost all hope. Let that knowledge strengthen us.

One: When we are overcome with despair, let us be glad of our improbable existence and be content to wait for the next moment and the possibility it brings for unexpected joy.

All: For a little space of time, we have laid our burdens down. For a little space of time, we have cast our sorrows into the circle of light. For as long as we are able, we will bask in the warmth that is life.

One: These candles will flutter and burn out sending the room into darkness, but our hearts contain a more powerful flame.

All: In our hearts burns life, complex and difficult, in all its uniqueness and mystery.

One: We carry hope into the world simply by carrying on, helping others, and living our lives as best we can.

All: Even on the darkest nights when all we can do is curl up and weep, the ember of life is in us, burning intensely.

One: That radiance is more brilliant than any holiday decoration; it is more enduring than any loss; it is a flame worth protecting, worth fighting for.

All: Let us nurture that warmth and life in us.

One: Let us go into a cold winter night and warm its air even slightly with our breath as we go. Let us pass from this safe place, knowing that we carry sanctuary in us.

All: In the coolness of the night, we will walk in peace. In the quiet of the starlight, we will walk with hope. In the company of all life, we will do our best to love.

One: Go forth! Breathe in the crisp air, feel your feet upon the earth, know you are in good company. Nurture the ember that glows inside you, for it is robust and will give you strength.

All: So be it. So we will go.

Do you struggle during the holidays?

Linking up: Trekking Thru, Holiday Journey, Darling Down Diaries, LouLou Girls, Mrs AOK, Holley Gerth, Create with Joy, Blessed but Stressed, Marilyn’s Treats, Journeys in Grace, Jaime Wiebel, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Breakthrough Homeschooling, Purposeful Faith, Timeless Mama, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, Gingersnap Crafts, Raven Would. My Learning Table, Katherine’s Corner, Mommynificent, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Susan Mead, Nancy on the Homefront, The Charm of Home, Coffee With Us3, The Answer is Chocolate, Create with Joy, Momfessionals, The Blended Blog, Arabah Joy, The Quiet Homemaker, Lyli Dunbar,

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Hope in the Dark

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November 14, 2017 By Jennifer 17 Comments

Are you in the middle of a dark November crisis?

The dreaded holidays

approach.

The winter gatherings creep toward loneliness, greed, accusation…and we tend to feel unable, inferior, invisible.

For so many, the holidays remind of bad memories, unmet expectations, disappointments.

With the early nights and dreary days come the work parties, family dinners, church potlucks, and all those social obligations.

I’ve never been successful to paste on a smile and fake it.

I’d like to hibernate until March.

My heart feel heavy within me. I am weighed down with the loss of loved ones, the loss of opportunities, the shifting of hopes and dreams.

As many people eagerly await the birth Jesus, it’s hard for me to lift up my heart.

As many plan to celebrate and sing with joy, I often find the days gray and my tongue unable to rejoice.

God knows the emptiness I sometimes feel. God knows the feelings of abandonment, anger, loneliness, and depression I feel. God knows me from the depths of my heart, and God sits with me as I learn to be whole.

I can be assured of God’s love and compassion. He can handle my darkest fears. I can rail at him and ask, “Why?!” I don’t have to hide my tears or sad face from him.

We don’t have to continue any traditions that leave us broke or in debt, stressed out, overwhelmed, tired.

A simple holiday can be a better holiday.

There really are no obligations. You can say no. You don’t have to explain or justify.

I don’t attend many holiday events. I don’t really like parties. My husband is organizing a greening of our church potluck/Friendsgiving for Advent. I’m planning a longest night service.

We stopped sending cards. They seem impersonal and wasteful in this age of social media.

We have always lived too far away to visit my parents or his sisters.

We stopped gift-giving with adults and extended family. We barely have a relationship beyond our immediate family and the gifts were not heartfelt, but just duty.

We minimize decorating.

We streamline celebration meals with our little family. Pinterest perfection is not the goal. We cook and eat what we like!

We limit presents to our kids and prefer experiences over stuff.

Then there’s sometimes still disappointment. The dreary days trudge on towards spring and warmth that seems so far away.

There is hope in the dark.

Reach out to others.

You may be someone’s lifeline during these dark days of winter.

Light a candle.

I will light candles this Christmas;
Candles of joy despite all sadness,
Candles of hope where despair keeps watch,
Candles of courage for fears ever present,

Candles of peace for tempest-tossed days,
Candles of grace to ease heavy burdens,
Candles of love to inspire all my living,
Candles that will burn all the year long.

When the song of the angels is stilled,
When the star in the sky is gone,
When the kings and princes are home,
When the shepherds are back with their flock,

The work of Christmas begins:
To find the lost,
To heal the broken,
To feed the hungry,
To release the prisoner,
To rebuild the nations,
To bring peace among others,
To make music in the heart.

~Howard Thurman

Next time you pass the peace in your church, try passing the hope instead:

“We wouldn’t be the same without you. Hope be with you.”
And the response: “And also with you.”

Let hope burn bright.

Christmas is for the abused & oppressed. Christmas was an act of resistance against all that is evil.

“Truly He taught us to love one another

His law is love and His gospel is peace

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother

And in His name all oppression shall cease.”

Linking up: Sacred Ground Sticky Floors, Barbie Swihart, Our Holiday Journey,Modest Mom, Holley Gerth Rich Faith Rising, LouLou Girls, Marilyns Treats, Southern Beauty Guide, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Inspiration for Moms, Lori Schumacher, Sarah Frazer, Meghan Weyerbacher, Create with Joy, Blessed But Stressed, Godsized Dreams, MaryAndering Creatively, Mumma Scribbles, Curly Crafty Mom, Live Randomly Simple, Squishable Baby, Life of Faith, Blogghetti, Trekking Thru, April Harris, Teaching What is Good, Fresh Start, Pinventures, Home Stories A to Z, Jessi’s Design, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Ducks N A Row, Our Three Peas, Breakthrough Homeschooling, Journeys in Grace, Sincerely Paula, Imparting Grace, Crystal Storms, Mommynificent, Blessed Transgressions, Penny’s Passion, Katherine’s Corner, Flourishing Today, Debbie Kitterman, Becoming Press, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Creative K Kids, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, A Bountiful Love, Organized 31, Home Crafts by Ali, Timeless Mama, Coffee with us3, Answer is Chocolate, Being a Wordsmith, Chic on a Shoestring, Momfessionals, Blended Blog, Crystal Waddell, Mississippi Mom, Soaring with Him, Quietly Reminded, Create with Joy Friday, Nancy on the Homefront, The Charm of Home, Susan Mead, Counting My Blessings, Arabah Joy, Lyli Dunbar, Life with Lorelai, Oh My Heartsie Girl Friday,

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What Depression Feels Like

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October 27, 2017 By Jennifer 51 Comments

So many don’t know.

The deep darkness has never touched them.

They’ve never sunk so low

That they can’t even imagine ever getting up again.

How does depression feel?

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think maybe

Maybe I should just die.

Maybe my children would be better off with a different mother.

Maybe my husband would be better with a happier wife.

Maybe my parents would realize how bad it really was.

Their therapist didn’t know the truth and I’m not only to blame.

Less than.

Never enough.

A hollow pit in the depths of my stomach.

Prickly moist heat that makes my palms itch.

Heaving from the farthest reaches of my insides.

Poor little rich white girl.

I hate this life.

No, it doesn’t make any sense

But

The pain is suffocating.

I’m drowning from too much.

Too little.

Hyperventilating.

Asphyxiation must be the scariest way to go.

I learned long ago to paste on a smile. Smear on some lipstick.

Don’t want to look too pale, sickly, pasty, unhappy, bland.

Don’t call attention.

Don’t tell the secrets.

Be invisible.

But speak up.

Well, which is it?

I’m so confused.

I don’t know who I am. Who should I be?

It doesn’t even matter.

Nothing matters.

On the good days

the sun shines and the bad thoughts almost disappear

I’m so productive! I can take on the world and save everyone, including myself. I’m proud of myself. I’m doing all the right things, saying all the right words in the right tone, feeling all the right feels and not reacting, but being proactive. I plan for tomorrow, next week, next month, years from now. I can see it.

I laugh and bake and play and sing and dance

My heart swells with pride and remember how blessed I am

I can smile and it actually reaches my eyes

and the darkness seems rather far away for a few moments

but I can always see the wicked grin of the shadow monster in my peripheral vision

There but not there

Waiting and reminding

that the darker days are coming.

On the bad days

I struggle to get out of bed.

Every little task is a mountainous obstacle.

I don’t want to bathe or get dressed or eat or go anywhere.

No one can see me.

I avoid mirrors.

I loathe myself.

I am numb.

I know way deep down that I have to go through the motions of all the things I have to do to keep our lives running.

But I can’t really see the point.

“It’s just a headache.”

“I don’t feel so well today.”

“I think I might be coming down with something.”

I don’t deserve

to ever spend a penny on myself

or food

or soap

or water

or clothes

the smiles of my children

the hug from my husband

the grace of God

this life.

I don’t know how to ask for help.

No one knows.

Folding up inside is better, safer, easier.

I used to wish I had a real disease that others could see and believe.

If I were actually sick, then they would be sympathetic.

Then they would know it’s not my fault.

Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.

Depression isn’t something that I can “just snap out of” or, my God, I would do that!

I can’t just be happy. I can’t just smile more. I can’t just pray it away.

Comparing myself to others who “have it worse” is not helpful.

I’m tired of people who confuse “being depressed” for a season and living with depression. It doesn’t just go away.

I’ve learned to cope without medication.

I’ve been to plenty of therapists.

Depression is a real illness. We don’t blame people with cancer or diabetes or MS or thyroid deficiencies.

When you ask, “What do you have to be sad about?” It just adds to my guilt. It doesn’t make sense to me why I feel like this. It just is. I live with it. You can’t understand. I can’t explain it to you well enough for you to empathize.

Why do we blame people with mental illnesses?

And depression has BFFs – anxiety, anger, physical ailments, PTSD, aches and pains, attention problems, insomnia, eating disorders, self harm, and more. Doctors love to bandaid these symptoms instead of seeking to learn the cause.

When you can’t control your own mind and thoughts, you feel the need to control something. And that need for some semblance of control most often exhibits in an eating disorder, addiction, cutting, or something harmful.

Get help here.

Find more help here.

See more about mental health.

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I’m Angry

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October 23, 2017 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

My husband asked me why I seem so angry lately.

I almost have to laugh.

Lately?

I think I’ve been angry for about twenty years.

Why am I angry?

I feel like I am always fighting an uphill battle. It’s exhausting.

There’s always a running commentary in my head. It’s almost always negative.

I’m angry at myself.

I am my own worst critic.

I don’t need anyone to tell me when I’ve messed up.

I get furious with myself when I forget something, break something, mess up in any way.

I remember every little mistake I’ve ever made. It keeps me up at night.

“Why did I say that?”

“What could I have done differently?”

Every stupid choice I made as a youth.

Every harsh word to my children.

Every time I act like I’m too busy for them.

My poor parenting practices in the beginning…Did I ruin my two oldest in their formative years? Why didn’t I know better earlier?

Why can’t I lose ten pounds?

Why didn’t I ever learn to play an instrument?

Why didn’t I finish grad school and get that Ph.D?

I disappoint myself.

I’m angry at society.

Why are there so many poisonous chemicals and additives in our food?

Why are there so many victimless crimes that I have heart palpitations when I see a police car?

Why do we pay so many taxes for services we don’t need, want, or ever use?

Why is there still childism, sexism, racism in our modern world?

Why do we still not believe women who have been harassed or assaulted? We learn it’s easier to remain silent, stifle the feelings of unfairness and injustice. Just move on.

Why do we have a narcissistic playboy running our country?

Why does it feel like 1968 and all our progress is being reversed?

I’m angry at my parents.

I was pretty much left to my own devices. By most standards, I had a great childhood. But when I became an adult (a long arduous process), I realized how broken it really was.

Their love was and is conditional.

They disowned me when I was 20. They sent me a copy of their will, all torn in pieces. They paid postage to mail me that.

They found a therapist to tell them how terrible I am.

Everything they offer comes with strings attached. They dangle expensive gifts like carrots before mules, then snatch them away and blame my poor behavior. I’m 41, not 4.

They send broken handmedowns and we get criticized if we don’t offer profuse gratitude at their thoughtfulness.

My dad hand wrote me a hate letter and mailed it to tell me what an awful mother I am because I won’t spank my children.

I realize they exhibit are narcissistic and borderline tendencies and they are codependent. Gaslighting is common.

But that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier.

They wonder why the extent of our conversations are about the weather and backyard birds.

They weren’t there for me when I needed them most. They guided me in wrong decisions. They didn’t understand my suicide attempt. They don’t mourn my child.

Their priorities aren’t my priorities.

It’s amazing that they can still crush my spirit.

I diligently work at not reacting to triggers.

I’m angry at God.

I have so many questions. Dogma and doctrine and theological scholars don’t always answer satisfactorily.

Church has failed me more times than not.

It’s mostly pageantry, sitting in chairs and singing and shaking hands with strangers, then having a cookie and filing out the door to a mediocre life.

Christians love to discount anger. “Just pray more! Just be happy!” they say. Because surely, it’s just impossible to be a good Christian and experience any negativity.

I learned self-reliance.

So I keep my thoughts to myself.

Aaron’s parents died suddenly within our first year of marriage.

We have no support system.

We never had any mentors.

We have no friends.

I’m jealous.

Our kids don’t know their cousins. They don’t understand family holidays. They’ve never gone to family reunions. They don’t have so many memories.

Sometimes, I’m so angry, but there isn’t even a definable target.

Moving every few years takes a lot out of us – physically, emotionally, psychologically. So much planning and so many unknowns.

The neverending chores. Towels wadded up on the floor. That forgotten bowl all crusty with melted dried cheese on the far counter. Cat puke on the carpet.

The unheeded advice and bailing my kids out of another scrape to coach them better next time.

That lost thing that becomes an emergency: my husband’s wallet, iPhone, keys…a daughter’s shoe, FitBit, earring, book..the teen just lost her check card after one week. When the van ate my military ID as I was going through the gate.

Sure, there are hormones and headaches every month. The weather affects my sinuses.

Moms aren’t allowed to have bad days.

I perceive my husband as emotionless. Nothing ever seems to bother him. He just plugs along. I have enough anger for all of us.

No one ever seems outraged by the news, world events, community issues, injustice.

No one wants to have meaningful conversation or take action for positive change. So many desensitized and apathetic.

Bloggers make themselves feel better by buying and peddling sustainable clothing from charities to combat oppression in third world countries. Social media and the internet are all a comparison trap.

Who do I fight?

My generation is known for its feelings of futility and apathy. We grew up with receiving trophies and stickers for everything, having earned nothing, being handed the world on a silver platter without having to world for anything. Inflated grades, so much self-esteem. Worthless college degrees and too few jobs. Our expectations don’t meet the reality.

Then the internet and social media come into the picture. Heaven help us.

I’m fighting for a better world for my children.

My anger gives me the momentum to continually evaluate and improve.

I’m angry that even when I speak up, I remain unheard.

Anger is often a mask.

It’s inappropriate to show negative emotions in our society. We’re supposed to answer, “Fine!” when someone asks how we are.

Fear, frustration, powerlessness, pain…often exhibit as anger.

Depression and anxiety. More anger.

I wasn’t allowed to express emotions or be my true self as a child and youth. I was told I was worthless and that the things I liked were stupid.

It’s taken me so many years to rediscover that I love art, music, bugs, animals, hiking, and more.

I’m repairing 5-year-old me, going back to before school destroyed her. Rebuilding who I was meant to be.

It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to have negative emotions.

It’s not ok to allow anger to become overwhelming or all-enveloping.

I know when I need to deal with my anger. It’s time for me to be alone and work it out so I don’t lash out.

I go for a walk. I take a bath. I journal. I cook something. I do chores. I pray. I exercise.

It’s important to use anger as a catalyst for personal growth rather than letting it fester.

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