Red Flags

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June 1, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

It’s important for me to teach my kids about red flags in relationships.

I didn’t have anyone guide me in healthy relationships when I was a teen or young adult and I found myself in toxic patterns.

We seldom see the red flags while we’re walking past them or living with them.

We want to ignore the red flags. We’ve been taught to only see the best in people. We’ve been taught to be polite and compliant.

I realize there were so many red flags in my previous relationships that I should’ve seen, that maybe my parents and friends should’ve said, “Hey! This isn’t ok!” but they didn’t. Even when I knew I wasn’t healthy enough to protect myself and relied on them for help. They didn’t vet my relationships well. They didn’t see it either or didn’t care.

I was deceived about so many things. I had no power to discern the truth.

I was so naive. I was so gullible.

Big Red Flags

Communication

He made fun of me, belittling me, humiliating, shaming. I took it because he was “older and wiser” and I just thought I surely must really be dumb.

He was often distant. He monopolized conversation. It was always about him. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t want to know what I did at work that day. He only wanted to talk about himself.

As an introvert, I’m a great listener. This wasn’t a red flag at all for me. I loved learning about his past and hearing the stories that were important to him.

But I failed to realize that I wasn’t important to him.

Trust

I want to be trusting. I want to believe the best. I’m still devastated that people will lie and deceive.

Years later, I’m still realizing how he lied to me and about the stupidest things. Things that shouldn’t have really mattered.

He lied about dealing drugs. He lied about stopping the dealing. The gallon bag in the hall closet was not full of catnip.

He left me at a party with his friends. I wasn’t that comfortable with his friends. I didn’t know what to say or do around them. I had to wait hours to get a ride home.

After the separation and divorce, he lied about my daughter. I was a puddle of emotions every weekend she visited him. I wondered who she stayed with, what she ate, where she slept. I asked why she returned with infected bug bites all over her legs and the worst diaper rash anyone had ever seen in history of diaper rashes. He had no good answers. She stayed with his father, his niece, his girlfriend. He had to work and he wasn’t that involved or interested.

And I just recently found out (eighteen years later!) he plotted to start a custody battle. But he never paid the child support or the credit card that the court mandated.

His narrative to his family and friends about the divorce are vastly different than the truth.

Abuse

He was addicted to porn. He made fun of me. He didn’t like my lack of experience. He said no one had every criticized him in bed. He didn’t like the way I looked. He didn’t like where I had hair. He wanted me to look fake and plastic like the porn models.

So many red flags before he ever hit me.

Then I really believed I deserved that first time. I calmly patched the hole in the wall of our rental house and fixed the windowpane.

The second time he hit me, I left. I didn’t want my daughter witnessing that.

He was furious with me for being so hands off while our daughter toddled around, learning to walk. She stumbled and bumped her head on the coffee table and he lost it.

Earlier that day, he had been talking about wanting another baby. I was barely hanging on financially. We had just bought a house near his parents. I was commuting to work about an hour each way. He made about $10/hour, developing photo film.

His family is Pentecostal evangelical. This was the first taste of any real religion or church I had. It all but broke me. They didn’t like questions. They didn’t like women being intelligent or leaders. It was hard and I tried to conform to what they wanted. I thought it must be right and good. I never could live up to their standards. We got married because his church said it was sin to live together.

I don’t even remember what my wedding ring looked like. I do remember picking out one together at a shop, but he lapsed on the layaway, so I didn’t get that one. He wore a borrowed, too big suit to our small wedding in their warehouse church. The “reception” was at his parents’ house. I remember cubing cheese in the kitchen and there wasn’t enough food to go around. My father didn’t go at all. My mother attended the wedding and went home. There was only one night in a local hotel I was comped as a kickback from work. Nothing was idyllic. Nothing was looked back on as charming. It was sad and devastating and embarrassing.

I can’t remember him ever giving me gifts. I remember maxing out the Best Buy credit card for electronics for him. I remember explaining and then arguing that the bank card was attached to our joint account and if he blew money on cigarettes and soda, I didn’t have enough for gas to work or monthly bills.

I was criticized by his family for negotiating the purchase of vehicles from his cousin, who worked as a local Chevy salesman. I was encouraged to use that dealer because that’s where his whole family went. I also went to another dealer just to check pricing and loan info. I was able to get a better deal than from his cousin. They accused me of disloyalty to their family. I still find it ironic that they thought it was better to pay more for loyalty.

I should have seen and reacted to the red flags sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20.

It takes a long time, years…to heal from abuse. Trauma reactions continue with my current relationships. I try to recognize where my triggers occur and deal with that so I don’t confuse my husband and children. It’s never about them.

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Memes as Therapy

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May 4, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I’ve noticed a trend among young adults and teens.

Since mental illness and mental pain in our society is so silenced and scoffed at, ridiculed and invalidated, they make fun of it.

They have to make fun of mental illness in memes and stories on Tumblr, Facebook, and Instagram, SnapChat…teens and young adults share parodies and self-deprecating humor extraordinaire in group chats and when they actually meet face to face.

In his 1976 book, The Selfish Gene, scientist Richard Dawkins coined the word “meme” from the Greek word for “mimesis,” meaning to imitate when describing the natural selection of transmittable ideas. So of course, we bastardized that word to mean funny images online.

The apathy of my Generation X certainly showed in our nihilism and absurdism. We really were lost, latchkey kids, left to our own devices. No one knew where we were or what we were doing. We raised ourselves. Our grunge music, art, and movies portray us as hopeless, jobless, depressed slackers. We just shrugged and sort of accepted it.

We didn’t have cell phone, Internet, or social media. We weren’t constantly connected. We broke up with lovers and friends and never had to see or speak to them again. Stalking was in real time, if at all.

We grew up in the vestiges of political correctness, etiquette, courtesy, politeness. We obeyed authority, but grumbled about it behind their backs. We didn’t have any solidarity. We had no one to fight or blame.

By the late 1990s, Boomers gained the greatest social, political, and economic influence worldwide, and also a multitude of long-percolating crises reached their boiling points – climate change, national debt, a shrinking middle class, and worse.

The Simpsons and other parodies and dystopias have opened a doorway into darker and darker humor. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Millennials and iGen are suffering from student debt and feelings of loss of the American dream that plagues past generations but is now nowhere in sight.

The nihilism and absurdity of memes that joke about dying and mental illness reflect a neo-Dada movement.

I wonder if we more openly discussed mental health in past generations would it have been more diagnosed and treated without so much stigma – or are society’s issues creating more mental illness in the last couple decades?

I’m a little bit in awe of today’s youth who are more thoughtful and aware and connected than any peer I’ve ever known.

They’ve never known a world without Internet, cell phones, social media.

Teens and young adults today recognize injustice and they speak out about it. They feel lost and alone, depressed and anxious, and they make memes, share stories, poetry, art online. They find their patrons, followers, comrades. They virtually rejoice together and curl up in fetal positions together.

Sometimes you just need to talk about something—not to get sympathy or help, but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.
Karen Salmansohn

Memes as Therapy

Humor

Humor breaks the ice.

When we see funny memes, we LOL or at least breathe out through our nose a little more harshly.

Laughter really is the best medicine.

Humor helps regulate our emotions.

Those of us with depression might have a darker sense of humor than most.

Cognitive reappraisal is more than just counting our blessings or telling ourselves to cheer up. We can sometimes thoughtfully internalize a meme without feeling attacked or reduced.

Affiliative humor are jokes that connect us with others. Self-enhancing humor is similar, find absurdity and joy in dark situations.

Rejection

So many of us feel rejected – by parents, siblings, lovers, spouses, friends, pastors, society.

Memes are a way to show solidarity.

They can point out prejudice, -isms, injustice.

Memes can educate about marginalized groups. It’s not aggressive humor at another’s expense.

Yes, there is irony in sharing these memes. Social media brings exposure to an issue without adequately dealing with it. Social media is also a notorious breeding ground for negative behavior, and may exacerbate any feelings being shared.

We’re not trying to romanticize or trivializing mental illness with dark humor. While there is a risk of someone somewhere misconstruing or becoming offended, that is seldom the intent behind the memes.

Vulnerability

I love seeing celebrities being vulnerable when they share memes or personal images and stories online.

It shows us that we are all human with roller coaster emotions or overcoming trauma.

We can work through those ups and downs in healthier ways than past generations.

Memes lighten the heaviness of therapy topics. Sharing could raise ideas I have gone to therapy or experienced struggles. Potential disclosure through a joke allows us to be vulnerable in a controlled way, using humor to communicate about sensitive topics.

Studies show depressed people who struggle to control their emotions are most likely to enjoy depressive memes.

When my teens and I share these memes, it helps me to understand what they’re going through and how I can help. Often it gives us info to take to our therapists.

Do some of these memes make me uncomfortable? Absolutely. And I think that’s what makes them so powerful. I can examine why and search my soul.

Camaraderie

We share our experiences, opinions, and feelings easily with a relatable image.

When we share a meme and it gets spread, we feel seen We read comments. We connect. We laugh and cry together.

Memes can help destigmatize mental illness and help us feel a sense of community.

While many of feel isolated and have few IRL friends, we can connect online and make virtual friends.

We are not alone in our pain.

Escapism

The pain seems to be overwhelming.

But sharing it makes it bearable.

We like to read about other people. We like to think we are not alone.

This is why we like science fiction, dystopias, speculation.

We want to see a cartoon of ourselves cocooned in blankets eating Cheetos on our devices avoiding responsibilities.

We need the chuckle of a WTF moment or a nod at someone else’s experience.

And even this, like all escaping from reality and pain, can dissolve into an unhealthy coping mechanism. It’s a tool, but it needs to be used wisely.

Memes can offer familiarity, freedom, and levity in a world that, more often than not, flattens and invalidates queer experience.
Bitch Media

Some favorite pages: Pictures for not killing yourself, Cheerful Nihilism, and Aborted Dreams.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel anxious or have a depressive episode?
Me: It just be like that sometimes.
Therapist: No.

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Grieving Family Who Are Still Alive

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April 6, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

We don’t have any family nearby or any relationship with any family really anyway.

When my daughter and I told our therapists about my parents and the in-laws, they were just like, “Well, that’s a clusterf*ck.”

I really needed the affirmation that it’s not me. I needed an outsider to tell me that I tried really hard to develop a relationship and was met at every turn with negativity, disdain, ridicule. I needed a third party to tell my my parents aren’t the nicest people and that I’m not a bad child.

I’ve always felt out of place – at home, at school, with my own aunts and uncles and cousins, with people whom I thought were my friends over the years and at various places where we’ve lived.

May all that is unforgiven in you Be released. May your fears yield Their deepest tranquillities. May all that is unlived in you Blossom into a future Graced with love.
John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

It was nothing new to me to feel a little awkward around my new family. I just tried harder. and more.

I don’t have any good role models for healthy relationships. I am winging it and reparenting myself and doing my best to raise four healthy children without trauma.

We live in a generation that is highly skilled at allowing connections to fade away. Because of social media and cell phones, we think people are replaceable, and that’s silly. You cannot replace the energy of someone who is genuine especially if they’re putting the consistent effort out, to be in your life. Appreciate them, cherish them, those people are gold.
Sylvester Mcnutt

Grieving Family

My husband’s parents passed away the first year we married.

I know it’s really hard for him even still, probably forever. I never had time to build a relationship at all.

While most newlyweds stress over which holidays to spend with which inlaws, I never got to have that delight. We’ve never had the ability to travel over the holidays to visit my parents in Georgia or Aaron’s two sisters in Illinois after his mom passed.

Neither my husband nor I really know our cousins or extended family.

I am the youngest grandchild and many of my aunts, uncles, and older cousins have been passing away frequently the last few years.

We moved to Texas our second year of marriage and I tried really hard to develop a relationship with his paternal uncle living there – which was my husband’s entire reason for wanting to move there. A relationship just never developed after two years. We had dinner a couple times and that was about the extent of it. We were just never accepted. It doesn’t help that he raves about the two sisters and their kids online and travels annually to Illinois to visit them and extending family. He just completely ignores us.

Grieving Sisters

I tried and tried and tried to develop a relationship with my husband’s two sisters but it has always been a failure.

They don’t want me.

As an only child, I am equally devastated and indifferent.

I didn’t see them from our second year of marriage at his mom’s funeral until about four years later.

I flew from Utah to Chicago for his youngest sister’s outdoor July wedding with four children, alone, while my husband was deployed. At the time I felt honored my middle girls were requested to be flower girls. My son was barely a year old and spent too much time with babysitters who were strangers to us. My eldest daughter (from a previous relationship) was asked to be an usher until I pitched a minor fit for her to be a junior bridesmaid like the other sister’s daughter. The uncle was even rude to me at the wedding and reception, seriously?

I was picked up from the airport by the middle sister and put my son in a filthy borrowed carseat. She took us to her house and fed my kids eggs and ramen. I was stressed and exhausted and I felt like a burden the entire week as I tried to compensate by cooking every meal for 9 people, cleaning, doing laundry, buying presents. I even disposed of a rodent family in her basement and cleaned up cat pee when the cat freaked out with all the air mattresses my kids were using in her territory.

That might have been the beginning of the end for me.

They drove down to visit us our last summer in Utah before we even knew we were moving to Europe. It was stressful. I felt like an entertainer, cook, tour director. We were constantly on the move since it was their vacation. Nothing I did seemed good enough and I was exhausted.

They haven’t visited us since we moved to Ohio. They couldn’t fit us in their schedule between sports tournaments that they traveled to/from on the road right near us.

I had to stop following my husband’s sisters, brothers-in-law, cousins, and uncle because their entire social media is softball, baseball, sports, kitschy crafts, home remodeling, and how great their friends and family are – except me and my children.

They’ve told my husband to tell me to quit writing and posting online about homeschooling since they feel it’s a kick in the teeth to them, as public school teachers. As if I didn’t teach in various school environments for ten years before committing to homeschooling. I’ve examined my posts and my heart and I’ve tried to be kind, welcoming, open, forgiving over and over again. I realize many families have vast differences and I want to accept and learn from those differences. I have a voice and I will use it.

For a long time, I just told myself it’s because we didn’t get a lot of time to get to know one another before I married Aaron and we move frequently with the military. I want to understand they’re closer to each other than they can ever be to me and my kids. But it’s becoming obvious that I’m not wanted nor welcomed.

I stressed for ten or so years to send the perfect thoughtful presents of equal value to my husband’s middle sister’s three kids at Christmas and birthdays while receiving handmedowns that I wouldn’t even donate to thrift stores and dollar spot junk in return. When I asked to exchange gift cards instead since we moved overseas, it was met with exasperation and online gift lists. I asked to just stop exchanging gifts or gift cards and I know that didn’t go over well.

We offered to meet any or all of them for dinner when we visited Chicago, which is about an hour away from where they live. We drove 7ish hours for an event that got canceled last minute. They couldn’t fit us into their schedule.

His youngest sister and husband fostered and recently adopted a little girl and I didn’t even know. I found out on social media.

I just always wanted to be a part of a big family and have my kids be loved by a big family and it just hurts me that we’re not wanted nor welcome.

Grieving my Parents

My parents adore my husband. They adore my son.

They don’t care for me or my daughters and they aren’t even trying to hide it. We even often get lesser gifts at holidays.

My parents claim they’re on “a fixed income” which is a great reality for many elderly people, but they own a 3500 sq. ft. house, 3 vehicles, no bills, and a mortgage of $850/month as they sit back and receive several retirement checks and social security that total more than my husband makes.

I try not to be bitter and I seldom ask for anything.

When my parents casually ask any of us what we want for a birthday or Christmas, we never know what the right answer is because we’ve been told so many times to choose something else, that they won’t be able to get that.

I received hate mail after my parents visited me during my husband’s deployment – in May, but not the week of my youngest daughter’s birthday or over Mother’s Day. They refused to stay at my house and instead opted for a nearby hotel. They sauntered over midday, about lunchtime and then naptime for my son. It disrupted our whole schedule and they kept telling my girls to go away and play outside or in the basement. I was super stressed and confused. My mom made my middle daughter cry about something irrelevant. They didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything except sit on my sofa and they were upset my TV was in the basement. Then, they got mad and left early and I later received an actual letter in the mail, outlining everything that’s wrong about me, my children, and my lack of good mothering skills. Also, that I should hit my children to make them never cry and behave perfectly.

I just always envisioned my kids having loving generous grandparents and it hurts me so bad that they don’t.

I never know what to say to my mother. She is disinterested in what the kids or I are ever doing. She doesn’t pay attention when I do tell her anything.

At least once a month, I realize I’ve really messed up again because my father quits communicating with me until I apologize and make amends for asking him to please stop sending me racist emails or he told me what an awful mother I am again and how worthless my almost twenty-year-old daughter is.

After 44 years of hearing how stupid and worthless I am, I wonder if I should just believe it.

I know I am an awful daughter.

They know what they’ve done.

I grieve the loss of relationships that never happened. I grieve my husband’s parents whom I never knew and only met a couple times. I grieve the uncle who doesn’t want us. I grieve the sisters I longed for my entire life who don’t want me. I grieve the cousins my children don’t know.

Just like mourning a physical death, my grief is real too. My grief comes in waves, at various times – suddenly and unexpected. I have never chosen to sever ties with anyone. I try and I try and I try again and again and again. I suffer the loss of something I never even had. There will probably never be closure. It’s never easy.

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.
Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

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My Father is a Racist

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March 30, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

I asked my father to please stop sending me racist emails.

After ignoring me and pouting for a week, he sent me a hateful email telling me that he is proud of being a racist and he can cut me off if I don’t like it.

Well then.

He just told me that he wants to complain about Black people to me and speaking his mind is more important than maintaining a semblance of relationship with me.

My parents are racists.

I am 44 years old and my parents are turning 80. I am an only child.

My parents have disowned me before.

I was 21. They sent me a torn-up copy of their will in the mail and informed me that they had a new one filed with their lawyer, leaving their estate to a local college.

He has ignored me for weeks, months, even years.

I didn’t realize I grew up in an abusive household until very recently. I was spanked as a child, but that was normal for my generation. He seldom hit me after I was a teen, but I have extreme trauma responses to certain verbal phrases and tones of voice. I was frequently told I was stupid and worthless when I disagreed with my parents or didn’t meet their expectations. I was often negatively compared to my father’s mother.

My mother doesn’t have a thought of her own. She just echoes my father. She brags about her selfishness as a teen, young adult, and her years of marriage before I was born thirteen years later. My family and I have seen her selfishness in action numerous times.

I was not allowed to socialize with anyone who wasn’t White and appropriate. This wasn’t exceptionally difficult until I was a teenager since there really just weren’t that many non-Whites in my elementary school or neighborhood and races often separated themselves at lunch and on the playground throughout high school and college. I didn’t understand or think much about it then. It’s just the way things were.

My father was often traveling for work when I was growing up. He always said he hated it and he had anxiety from the stress, but it was much more pleasant for my mom and me not having him around much.

I couldn’t have friends over to the house if he was home.

I don’t remember him being at any of my birthday parties.

He didn’t come to the hospital when I attempted suicide.

He refused to come to my first wedding.

He refused to attend my graduation ceremony when I earned my Master’s degree in education.

He didn’t visit me when I gave birth to my son.

He sent me hate mail while my husband was deployed the first time, telling me what an awful mother I am, after they cut their visit short in rage.

He had a tantrum and broke promises to my children when we stayed briefly at my parents’ house during our PCS from Germany to Ohio.

He’s told me many times that it’s all my fault, that I am disrespectful and selfish.

Since I always put myself last, it especially hurts deep when I’m called selfish.

It’s really hard sometimes.

Therapists makes it sound so easy that I should find and have a support system. Moving every 2-4 years with the military makes that harder than it should be.

I’ve never had a support system. I am all I have.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells all the time.

Grief is real.

Though its way is to strike
In a dumb rhythm,
Stroke upon stroke,
As though the heart
Were an anvil,
The hurt you sent
Had a mind of its own.
Something in you knew
Exactly how to shape it,
To hit the target,
Slipping into the heart
Through some wound-window
Left open since childhood.
While it struck outside,
It burrowed inside,
Made tunnels through
Every ground of confidence.
For days, it would lie still
Until a thought would start it.
Meanwhile, you forgot,
Went on with things
And never even knew
How that perfect
Shape of hurt
Still continued to work.
Now a new kindness
Seems to have entered time
And I can see how that hurt
Has schooled my heart
In a compassion I would
Otherwise have never learned.
Somehow now I have begun to glimpse
The unexpected fruit
Your dark gift had planted
And I thank you
For your unknown work.
John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

I just tried to set a small but clear boundary: stop sending me racist emails.

There’s a lot of white folks out there hanging on to their God-given right to look down on some other class of people. They feel it slipping away and they’re scared. This guy says he’s bringing back yesterday, even if he has to use brass knuckles to do it, and drag women back to the cave by their hair. He’s a bully, everybody knows that. But he’s their bully.
When men fear the loss of what they know, they will follow any tyrant who promises to restore the old order.
Barbara Kingsolver, Unsheltered

I couldn’t reply to his email or call him like he requested. I knew I would make it worse since I was so hurt, upset, and angry.

I try to capitulate. I try to write his attitudes off as old, retired Army, the way he grew up in the 50s. But those are just lame excuses. There are numerous others his age, military, with similar circumstances who are not racist.

Every time I think things are good, going well, I am shocked into this twisted reality where my parents are not good people, not nice people.

Then he sent me another email over the weekend that he had received his birthday card and orchid and apparently all is well.

This is not normal behavior. I shouldn’t have to appease him with gifts like he’s a god, like he thinks he is.

Is this the precursor to dementia, Alzheimer’s? I grew up with this kind of abuse cycle, but is it getting worse or is it that I’m just older and won’t abide it?

This can’t be ok.

We cannot control another’s behavior, but we can control our own response to another’s behavior.

Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.
Mandy Hale

Want To Have Better Conversations About Racism With Your Parents? Here’s How

He finally reluctantly came around and pretended we never had that email exchange, but he occasionally refers to “not being to talk about politics” in a sulk.

But it’s way more than politics. It’s more than the financial differences of the two parties in America for the past several hundred years. It’s about lives. For a man who is proud to have voted straight Republican his entire adult life, I can’t excuse it. For someone who voted for Trump twice, it is sheer hatred of other and I can’t excuse it.

All the effort to be antiracist and teach my family to be antiracist is worth it. Loving others and healing from our own abuses and trauma and relearning how to live well is worth it.

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Mental Illness Portrayed in Film

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March 24, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

My eldest child is in her second year at a local college. She is minoring in psychology and majoring in art, planning to be an art therapist.

One of her assignments for her abnormal psych course was to watch an {obscure film} portraying mental illness and write about it.

After scouring the Internet for a film that didn’t make a top ten list, we landed on No Letting Go.

It was not a good film by any standard.

The plot is about a young boy from age 10-16 or so, and his family navigating his bipolar disorder diagnosis. It’s based on a true story.

There are some issues with the film No Letting Go…

The family is rich and white. They have virtually unlimited resources at their fingertips, yet it takes them years to get a good diagnosis and the help the boy needs.

The father in the movie seems clueless about the needs of his family.

The therapist and family are reluctant to try medication.

It’s way past worrying about stigma. The family has lost friends, family, all dignity and respect of the community. The son has been expelled from schools for erratic and volatile behavior. Shouldn’t they try anything that could help at some point?

The family is all but destroyed before they seek help via a remote wilderness camp for boys with mental illnesses where he is locked away for months.

It’s based on a true story and shows the stigma and reluctance of most of us to admit there’s even a problem.

Most of the time, when someone with a mental illness is portrayed in creative media, they’re shown as simply melodramatic, glamorous, shallow, selfish. Despite numerous resources (because they’re almost always wealthy and white) and flippant family and friends who are mostly clueless what the person needs, these characters somehow are able to still lead a semblance of a normal life or self-medicate and push through admirably.

A study conducted by the National Mental Health Association (NMHA) found that 70 percent of the public gets their information about mental health from the TV, 58 percent from newspapers, 51 percent from television news, 34 percent from news magazines and 25 percent from the internet.

Stereotypes lead to stigma, which has harmful effects on many individuals:

Discourage people from getting the help they need
Make recovery more difficult because people feel less confident
Promote discrimination in the workplace, school, or any social situation
Cause isolation because of fear
Negatively impact friends, family, and relationships
Create the view that those who have a mental health problem are outsiders
Damage self-image
Mental illness correlations with violence

That is not the reality of mental illness.

And there are so many films glorifying addiction, substance abuse, eating disorders and dysfunctional relationships. While we may see a bit of ourselves in those, they’re too brief and shallow to be diagnosable and representative of mental illness.

Many films blur abuse, addiction, personality and mood disorders, and mental illness. The producers, writers, and directions either don’t care for accuracy, don’t have enough time to explore the issues in a couple hours, or didn’t do any research at all.

Mental Illness Portrayed in Film

Creative drama is drawn to the complexity and fragility of the mind – but mainstream entertainment still demands a snappy fix.

“Crazy” or “mad” characters are often personified as evil, anti-heroes, often masked or disfigured to ramp up the shock effect – like in slasher horror films.

Is it mental illness, the devil or demons, society, trauma, addiction, bad parenting, or what?

Western culture has been defined by films like Psycho, Sibyl, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, The Shining, Halloween, and Mad to Be Normal.

Inside Out is a great film showing emotions and mental health.

It’s interesting to see other cultural views like in A Page of Madness.

Some films on the list are hard to categorize or portray multiple issues. Of course, these are fictional characters or only loosely based on real events and people.

Borderline Personality Disorder
One Hour Photo
Single White Female
Fatal Attraction
The Good Son
Ingrid Goes West
Margot at the Wedding
Mad Love
Falling Down
Shame
Postcards from the Edge
White Oleander
Mommie Dearest
Gaslight
The Rose
Gia

Bipolar Disorder
Homeland (Dramatic TV Series)
The Other Half
Touched with Fire
Silver Linings Playbook
Of Two Minds
Helen
Poppy Shakespeare
Infinitely Polar Bear

Depression
Perks of Being a Wallflower
Garden State
It’s Kind of a Funny Story
The Skeleton Twins
Melancholia
Prozac Nation
Little Miss Sunshine
Leaving Las Vegas
Augusta, Gone

Schizophrenia
Angel at My Table
Lars and the Real Girl – Schizoid Personality Disorder
A Beautiful Mind
The Soloist
Some Voices
Unsound (Short Film)
Benny and Joon
Black Swan – Psychosis
The Neon Demon – Psychosis
Maniac
Shutter Island
The Fisher King

PTSD
Jacob’s Ladder
Call Me Crazy
Martha Marcy May Marlene
The Deer Hunter
Rachel Getting Married

Dissociative Identity Disorder
Girl, Interrupted
Welcome to Me
Frankie & Alice
Fight Club
Sybil
The Three Faces of Eve
Psycho

Anxiety Disorder
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Analyze This and Analyze That
What About Bob?
The King’s Speech
Rain Man

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
The Aviator
Contamination (short film)
As Good as It Gets
Grey Gardens
Hello, My Name Is Doris
Matchstick Men

I’m sure there are other films. This is not an exhaustive list. But some films gloss over, make fun of, glorify, or criminalize mental illness. We live in a society that is unhealthy and loves to portray us vs. them. Most media doesn’t offer families or relationship story lines of love, health, unity. It doesn’t sell.

Do movies promote or reflect a heightened public awareness of mental health?

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Do Not Fear

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March 13, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 13 Comments

We live in a fearful time.

Anger is often disguised fear.

People act irrationally when they are fearful.

Sometimes it’s hard.

Fear breeds empty girls – fake girls with no opinions. Girls who smile when they want to scream and laugh when they need to cry. We are not that girl. We are the ones they’ve called witches. The ones who have too much to say and who feel too much. We are the ones with fire in our blood and we are not afraid anymore.
Brooke Hampton

Why do we experience so much fear?

Fear of nature

Many public places have signs warning to stay out of the water, off the grass…look but don’t touch.

I’ve witnessed parents, surely well-meaning, admonish their kids to not get dirty outside, don’t play there, don’t get in that, stay off the grass.

They’re kids.

They’re supposed to get dirty and play in the creek, grass, woods, in trees.

Kids are washable.

Of course, nature can be violent and unpredictable and we should prepare for severe weather conditions.

But usually, there is no bad weather, and we should model for kids that nature is good in all seasons. We should teach and model respect and awe for bugs, animals, plants, trees, waterways, the oceans, the environment.

Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.
Margaret Atwood

Fear of others

Americans seem to have always had an us/them mentality.

I’ve seen it in the news and on social media a lot these last few years. Immigration, racism, misogyny, poverty. It’s so sad.

I try to teach my kids that we are one human family.

We are global citizens.

What may not affect me or you personally still may affect someone we know, or someone they know. When did the commandment Love thy neighbor become exclusionary?

I am raising my children to be revolutionaries who are nonviolent and hopefully will help change this world for the better.

I’m convinced that nothing can separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus our Lord: not death or life, not angels or rulers, not present things or future things, not powers or height or depth, or any other thing that is created.
Romans 8:38-39

Fear of the unknown

It’s normal to feel a little apprehensive in new situations and to worry about the future.

But when worry develops into paralysis or anxiety, it’s not healthy.

It’s easy to tell people to have faith, be calm, trust, and let it go.

It’s hard when we’re in the thick of a crisis or difficult time.

Looking back over hard times, it’s easy to see how I perhaps unnecessarily worried, but at the time it was so hard to be patient and wait for an answer, a healing, better times.

Fear of risk

As parents, we long to protect our kids at all costs.

But it’s healthier for them to understand risk – their own abilities and limits.

While I followed behind my toddlers to catch them if they fell, I soon took a more hands-off approach as they became preschoolers and school age.

Now, they’re all over age 10 and I am in awe of how they fly without my hovering.

Some healthy risk, of course, is fine, but taking it too far isn’t a good idea.

We need to strive to be debt-free and not take too much financial risk. We shouldn’t be daredevils and test fate with our lives. We need balance.

Fear of failure and imposter syndrome seem to be more prevalent these days.

Fear of real connection

I have realized there seems to be a shift in our Western society of lack of connection.

I see it in the rise of addiction.

I see it in the divorce rates.

I see so many broken homes. I see rampant abuse and dysfunctional relationships.

People are quick to live only on the surface, never really getting to know neighbors, coworkers, even their own spouses and children before it might be too late.

I have no friends. People unfriend our family on social media as soon as we are out of sight to our next military base. We are disposable.

They were more important to us than we ever were to them.

I see such lack of support for women – working mothers, stay at home moms. There is a lot of misogyny and childism.

Our society doesn’t respect women, children, disabled, or elderly.

Our society blames people for being poor. or disabled. or different. or Black.

Is is time to worry yet?
Not yet.
It’s not time to worry yet.
Atticus in To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

Conquering Fear

Sometimes, it’s almost too easy to give in to panic and herd mentality. We are bombarded with fake news or information with tiny threads of truth and lots of hateful opinion designed to promote division and fear.

Anxiety tricks you out of the “now” as you obsessively replay and regret the past and worry about the future. It tricks you into losing sight of your competence and your capacity for love, creativity, and joy. It tricks you into believing that you are lesser and smaller than you really are. Anxiety interferes with self-regard and self-respect, the foundation on which all else rests.
Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self

Most of us are generally unaffected by the stock market, viruses that come from strange places, innercity turmoil, gas prices, racism, extreme poverty.

Gratitude and privilege will not save us.

Manage expectations, emotions, and reactions. Take it easy. Be proactive and stay flexible.

It’s how we react and what we do during times of emergency that show our true hearts.

Fear makes us grab traditional, routine ways of doing things. Or it might be so intense that it throws us for a loop and makes us run around wild. Both types are not the Christian joy Jesus speaks of.
Henri J. M. Nouwen, Following Jesus: Finding Our Way Home in an Age of Anxiety

From Adam Hamilton in Unafraid:

F: Face your fears.

E: Examine your assumptions in the light of the facts.

A: Attack your anxiety with action.

R: Release your cares to God.

Tip delivery people and wait staff well. Buy gift cards direct from local stores and restaurants to use later.

Wash your hands. Cover your mouth. Take your vitamins. Don’t in fistfights at Kroger over toilet paper.

Realize that others may have different lifestyles and experiences. Single parents struggle with child care. Wage workers can’t pay their bills if they don’t work. Some students are finding themselves homeless without their work-study programs, meal plans, and dorms. Overwhelming debt cripples this country.

Always be kind.

Don’t panic.
Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear expects punishment. The person who is afraid has not been made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18

Jesus calls us to rise higher than fear, worry, anxiety, judging, and not loving others in Matthew 7.

Are we generous or not?

You might like my other post about Fear.

What could you do if you weren’t afraid?

We’re all just walking each other home.
Ram Dass

Being fully present to fear, to gratitude, to all that is—this is the practice of mutual belonging. As living members of the living body of Earth, we are grounded in that kind of belonging. Even when faced with cataclysmic changes, nothing can ever separate us from Earth. We are already home.
Joanna Macy

In “Why Are Americans Afraid of Dragons?” I talked about how so many Americans distrust and despise not only the obviously imaginative kind of fiction we call fantasy, but also all fiction, often rationalizing their fear and contempt with financial or religious arguments: reading novels is a waste of valuable time, the only true book is the Bible, etc. I said that many Americans have been taught “to repress their imagination, to reject it as something childish or effeminate, unprofitable, and probably sinful. . . . They have learned to fear [the imagination]. But they have never learned to discipline it at all.” I wrote that in 1974. The millennium has come and we still fear dragons.
Ursula K. Le Guin

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Lessons from Quarantine

Apocalyptic Movies and Books to Binge

Linking up: Random Musings, Welcome Heart, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Marilyn’s Treats, Kippi at Home, Create with Joy, Little Cottage, Our Home, Mostly Blogging, Mary Geisen, InstaEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, Dedicated House, Ducks in a Row, LouLou Girls, Our Three Peas, Suburbia, Grandma’s Ideas, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Worth Beyond Rubies, Ducks in a Row, Whims, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Crystal Storms, CKK, Imparting Grace, Slices of Life, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Chic on Shoestring, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, Pieced Pastimes, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, OMHGF, Being a Wordsmith,

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Living with Depression

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March 2, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 13 Comments

Everyone gets the blues sometimes.

If you’re sad and empty, have trouble concentrating, eating, or sleeping for two weeks or more, you could have depression.

Depression is not a one-size-fits-all illness. It comes in many forms, each with slightly different symptoms.

Depression can be treated, usually with medicine, talk therapy, or both.

After years of living with various degrees of depression, trying different meds with horrible side effects, and therapies to little effect, I realize I just have functional depression.

It’s just a persistent melancholy or dysthymia that’s always in the background and I plug on, carry on, but sometimes I experience pits of despair that I struggle to pull out of and life gets really hard.

Depression feels different for everyone.

5 Lies Christians Tell About Mental Illness

God won’t give you more than you can handle.
Just pray and read the Bible more for healing.
Mental illness is a sin, curse, or demon possession.
If you loved Jesus more you would be happier and better.
You can’t be a good Christian if you have a mental illness.

I’m sick and tired of hearing lies like these about mental illness from well-meaning people. You don’t hear things like this about people with physical illness. It’s not just from the proponents of prosperity gospel either. It’s dangerous to tell people that “it’s all in their head.”

We need to do better.

You may not realize some people have depression or other mental illnesses. It’s often not very obvious.

You won’t know I’m not sleeping or oversleeping, binging or abstaining from food, online shopping, gaming, social media…if I’m paranoid afraid that my spouse or kids will leave, get hurt, or die. When I’m overly irritable, people will just assume it’s PMS.

I may seem all smooth and serene, but it’s really that I feel dead inside this week, this month, this season. I’m really good at hiding it behind polite smiles and small talk. Since I am an introvert, you won’t know the difference between my normal and my down days.

Types of Depression

Major Depressive Disorder or Clinical Depression

To make a diagnosis, doctors look for at least five symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and behave, including:

Sadness
Loss of interest in activities
Sleeplessness
Trouble making decisions
Difficulty concentrating
Sleepiness
Suicidal thoughts or actions
Changes in appetite
Feelings of guilt or worthlessness

Persistent Depressive Disorder or Dysthymic Disorder or Dysthymia

If you’ve been feeling down for at least two years, you may have persistent depressive disorder. More women than men seem to have PDD. Kids and teens can have it, too. It makes them more irritable than depressed, and for them to have this diagnosis, their symptoms need to last only a year. I consider this functional depression. Melancholy.

Bipolar Disorder, used to be called Manic Depression

This features emotional high periods called mania and the lows of depression. These swings affect not only how you feel, but your behavior and judgment, too. This can cause problems with work, relationships, and day-to-day life. Suicidal thoughts and behaviors also are common with bipolar disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

The dreary days of winter can be hard for those with seasonal affective disorder (SAD). These symptoms are the same as depression, but generally happen only when there’s less daylight. About 5% of adults in America have SAD. Treatments such as light therapy or medication can ease symptoms and they can also improve on their own when sunnier weather and season arrives.

Adjustment Disorder

Any of life’s unexpected curveballs can bring on extra stress. If it becomes difficult to move forward, you may have an adjustment disorder that can cause depression, anxiety, or both. You may hear this called “situational disorder or symptoms.” The symptoms can start within three months of a stressful event, and they’re usually gone about six months later, but they can last longer, depending on the cause. Usually, talk therapy is the recommended treatment. As a military spouse, I’ve absolutely seen adjustment disorder too often in my family and others.

Psychotic Depression

This is a severe type of depression. Its symptoms include hallucinations and delusions. You may be agitated and be unable to relax. Your ability to think clearly or move normally may slow down dramatically. Psychotic depression usually requires a hospital stay.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder

Many women get the cramping and moodiness of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). If you have severe PMS that affects your job and relationships, you may have PMDD. Symptoms often start 7 to 10 days before your period and usually go away a few days after the period begins. If you think you have PMDD, see your doctor to help rule out other issues. I was just diagnosed with a uterine fibroid and I now have a Mirena IUD to shrink it.

Treatments can include:

Lifestyle changes, such as diet and exercise
Oral contraceptives or hormone therapy
Antidepressants

Postpartum Depression

Most mothers feel a little blue after their baby’s birth due to changing hormones and other factors. If those feelings become severe, you could have postpartum depression. Symptoms can creep in a few weeks after the baby’s birth or even up to a year later. Mood swings, difficulty bonding with your baby, changes in thoughts and behavior, and fears about your mothering are common. If you think you have more than the baby blues, see your doctor. Our culture is very hard on mothers and offers little support for new moms. I suffered terribly after having each of my four babies with no rest or support system. I had no recovery time. We need to do better.

Atypical Depression

Most forms of depression make you feel sad and empty. But if yours lifts briefly after good news or a positive experience, you may have atypical depression. A doctor can help clarify and distinguish this type. It isn’t rare, but its symptoms are a little different. Other than the temporary mood lift, you may:

Have a bigger appetite
Sleep ten or more hours a day
Be especially sensitive to criticism.
Get a heavy feeling in your arms and legs that is not because you’re tired

Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder

Although most children have temper tantrums, kids with this disorder are usually excessively irritable and have outbursts well beyond what’s expected. The previous diagnosis for some of these kids was pediatric bipolar disorder, but their symptoms do not always fit this description. It’s a good idea to observe your child in different environments and encourage children to take risks within a safety net so they learn appropriate boundaries and challenge their potential. Reach out to teachers and caregivers for assistance. A doctor can help distinguish this disorder from ADHD or other issues. Lifestyle changes may help.

Subsyndromal Depression

Subsyndromal means that you may have some symptoms of a disorder, but not enough for a diagnosis. Subsyndromal depression means you have at least two symptoms, but fewer than the five necessary for your doctor to say you have a major depression disorder.

For you to get a diagnosis of this type of depression, your symptoms must affect your quality of life for at least two weeks. Doctors can help rule out any physical reasons for symptoms that may mimic depressive symptoms. Sometimes, there is a vitamin deficiency or other underlying cause.

Treatment-Resistant Depression

For most people with depression, modern treatments work well to help you get your life back on track. But up to about a third of people with depression disorders need a little more help.

Doctors are looking at why some people respond well to treatment while others don’t. Some people may have success with their treatment for a little while then have it stop working.

Even if your depression is tougher to treat, you should keep seeing your doctor for assistance and solutions. I know it’s hard.

Do you know someone living with depression?

Check on your friends, family members, coworkers…anyone who you come in contact with on a regular basis.

Don’t just make assumptions. Don’t get your feelings hurt if they pull away.

Please don’t just vaguely say, “Let me know if you need anything.”

People with depression and other mental illnesses need a lot of things, but we will almost ask. We don’t think we deserve your attention. We don’t want to be a burden. We have learned that society doesn’t really care or want to help.

Please reach out.

Because I won’t.

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What Depression Feels Like and Books about Depression

More Articles to Help:

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Books about Depression

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February 17, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

People who have never suffered from depression just don’t understand.

Our society overuses the word depressed to mean temporarily sad.

But depression is an ongoing illness.

Depression doesn’t just go away when life quality, finances, relationships, or circumstances improve.

Medications don’t always help. I’ve tried several and I tired of the side effects and being a guinea pig. I don’t like feeling numb or half here.

So many people think they’re really helping when they recommend trite self-help books that just tell the reader to be happier, listen to more Contemporary Christian pop music, read the Bible, and pray more.

A business person makes money off your problems, they are invested in you having a problem. When Rachel Hollis says you have a problem, it’s because she hopes to profit from your problem.
Devi Abraham

I do appreciate the memoirs about people rescuing themselves by running with their dogs or finding something to live for – clinging to hope in a prayer, pet, memory, or child.

It’s just that every person with depression is different, experiences it differently, copes differently.

Here’s what depression feels like to me.

These books show a reality to depression and living and surviving…or not.

Depression isn’t just feeling down or having the blues or feeling out of sorts.

It’s a nagging, staticy feeling at the very base of the brain all the time, often rising to the surface and taking over everything.

I don’t think there are many books that show the harsh reality of depression.

Even having depression, I often look at others and characters in movies and books and wonder why they have it? I find myself believing the lies of “but they have such a nice life with no problems.”

Depression lies.

If I wanted to not be this way, then I wouldn’t be this way.

Books about Depression

Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig

Like nearly one in five people, Matt Haig suffers from depression. Reasons to Stay Alive is Matt’s inspiring account of how, minute by minute and day by day, he overcame the disease with the help of reading, writing, and the love of his parents and his girlfriend (and now-wife), Andrea. And eventually, he learned to appreciate life all the more for it.

Everyone’s lives are touched by mental illness: if we do not suffer from it ourselves, then we have a friend or loved one who does. Matt’s frankness about his experiences is both inspiring to those who feel daunted by depression and illuminating to those who are mystified by it. Above all, his humor and encouragement never let us lose sight of hope. Speaking as his present self to his former self in the depths of depression, Matt is adamant that the oldest cliché is the truest—there is light at the end of the tunnel. He teaches us to celebrate the small joys and moments of peace that life brings, and reminds us that there are always reasons to stay alive.

All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

When Finch and Violet meet on the ledge of the bell tower at school—six stories above the ground— it’s unclear who saves whom. Soon it’s only with Violet that Finch can be himself. And it’s only with Finch that Violet can forget to count away the days and start living them. But as Violet’s world grows, Finch’s begins to shrink…

All the Bright Places is coming to Netflix soon! I’m interested to see what they do with it.

By The Time You Read This, I’ll Be Dead by Julie Anne Peters

After a lifetime of being bullied, Daelyn is broken beyond repair. She has tried to kill herself before, and is determined to get it right this time. Though her parents think they can protect her, she finds a Web site for “completers” that seems made just for her. She blogs on its forums, purging her harrowing history. At her private Catholic school, the only person who interacts with her is a boy named Santana. No matter how poorly she treats him, he just won’t leave her alone. And it’s too late for Daelyn to be letting people into her life . . . isn’t it?

In this harrowing, compelling novel, Julie Anne Peters shines a light on what might make a teenager want to kill herself, as well as how she might start to bring herself back from the edge. A discussion guide and resource list prepared by “bullycide” expert C. J. Bott are included in the back matter.

Suicide Notes by Michael Thomas Ford

Fifteen-year-old Jeff wakes up on New Year’s Day to find himself in the hospital—specifically, in the psychiatric ward. Despite the bandages on his wrists, he’s positive this is all some huge mistake. Jeff is perfectly fine, perfectly normal; not like the other kids in the hospital with him.

But over the course of the next forty-five days, Jeff begins to understand why he ended up here—and realizes he has more in common with the other kids than he thought.

Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen

In 1967, after a session with a psychiatrist she’d never seen before, eighteen-year-old Susanna Kaysen was put in a taxi and sent to McLean Hospital. She spent most of the next two years in the ward for teenage girls in a psychiatric hospital as renowned for its famous clientele—Sylvia Plath, Robert Lowell, James Taylor, and Ray Charles—as for its progressive methods of treating those who could afford its sanctuary.

Kaysen’s memoir encompasses horror and razor-edged perception while providing vivid portraits of her fellow patients and their keepers. It is a brilliant evocation of a “parallel universe” set within the kaleidoscopically shifting landscape of the late sixties. Girl, Interrupted is a clear-sighted, unflinching document that gives lasting and specific dimension to our definitions of sane and insane, mental illness and recovery.

Prozac Nation: Young and Depressed in America by Elizabeth Wurtzel

Elizabeth Wurtzel writes with her finger on the faint pulse of an overdiagnosed generation whose ruling icons are Kurt Cobain, Xanax, and pierced tongues. Her famous memoir of her bouts with depression and skirmishes with drugs, Prozac Nation is a witty and sharp account of the psychopharmacology of an era

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath

The Bell Jar chronicles the crack-up of Esther Greenwood: brilliant, beautiful, enormously talented, and successful, but slowly going under — maybe for the last time. Sylvia Plath masterfully draws the reader into Esther’s breakdown with such intensity that Esther’s insanity becomes completely real and even rational, as probable and accessible an experience as going to the movies. Such deep penetration into the dark and harrowing corners of the psyche is an extraordinary accomplishment

I haven’t read these yet, but they’re on my list:

Project Semicolon: Your Story Isn’t Over by Amy Bleuel

Project Semicolon began in 2013 to spread a message of hope: No one struggling with a mental illness is alone; you, too, can survive and live a life filled with joy and love. In support of the project and its message, thousands of people all over the world have gotten semicolon tattoos and shared photos of them, often alongside stories of hardship, growth, and rebirth.

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention by Susan Rose Blauner

An international epidemic, suicide has touched the lives of nearly half of all Americans, yet is rarely talked about openly. In this timely and important book, Susan Blauner breaks the silence to offer guidance and hope for those contemplating ending their lives — and for their loved ones.

A survivor of multiple suicide attempts, Blauner eloquently describes the feelings and fantasies surrounding suicide. In a direct, nonjudgmental, and loving voice, she offers affirmations and suggestions for those experiencing life-ending thoughts, and for their friends and family. Here is an essential resource destined to be the classic guide on the subject.

The Long Night: Readings and Stories to Help You through Depression by Jessica Kantrowitz

You’ve done what you can: you’ve seen your doctor, made an appointment with a therapist, picked up the prescription for the antidepressant and swallowed that first strange pill. But it can take four to eight weeks for the meds to start to work, and it might take two or more tries before you and your doctor find the ones that work best for you. When you’re in the midst of terrible depression, those weeks can feel like an eternity. You just want to feel better now. This book is for those who are in the long night of waiting. It does not promise healing or deliverance; it is not a guide to praying away the depression. It is simply an attempt to sit next to you in the dark while you wait for the light to emerge.

What are your most helpful coping tools for depression?

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Introvert Holiday Survival Guide

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November 25, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

The decorations are for sale in stores before Halloween and Christmas music blasts everywhere on or even before November 1.

Christmas in America is all about commercialism. It’s about rushing, doing, more. I kinda hate it.

As an introvert, I really do dread the holidays. They wear me out. I try to be bright and cheery for my kids, but I really would love to hibernate from Halloween until about Mid-March. I often wake up early or go to bed late just to get some alone time.

As a military family, we’ve seldom been near family to visit over the holidays. While in a way, this relieves me of the potential stress, it also makes me feel very, very guilty.

We visited my husband’s mom at Christmas the year after we married. I was worried about her since it was her first holiday alone since his dad had passed in April. Then she passed the following April, so I’m so glad we went.

I invited my parents to visit the kids and me last Christmas while my husband was deployed. They’re getting older and I worry how many more opportunities we will have. It was actually mostly pleasant.

What’s an introvert to do with all the expectations that come with the holidays?

Priority

Everyone has her favorite and least favorite aspects of holidays. What’s yours?

Discover your priority for the season.

Be mindful of what you’re doing, giving, having during the holidays.

Give to charity or volunteer. Try new recipes. Travel. Offer experiences instead of presents. Join a cookie or ornament swap.

Save money, time, and effort by forgoing card sending. It’s also more ethical and less wasteful. Send texts or social media greetings, or individual emails and online cards.

Take time to get outside in nature to unwind and think. There’s no bad weather, only bad clothing choices!

Make time for selfcare. I take a very hot Epsom salt bath almost every evening with chamomile or lavender tea. It really makes a difference.

The Thanksgiving holiday is rather a disappointment for me. We used to travel over the long weekend. We went to Prague and Porto and Venice.

We’ve traveled to Chicago and Maui and Rome over Christmas.

We’ve lived in so many different places as a military family that travel was a priority until the kids asked to stay home with a Christmas tree and home-cooked dinner.

Focus

Each year, I focus on something different.

We’ve traveled over holidays. That really eased up a lot of stress for me.

Some years, I really get into the Advent readings with my family.

Other years, I decorate all out. My front yard was a zoo last year with light up animals.

We often go to a local drive-through Christmas park to look at the decorations.

We went to see The Nutcracker ballet a couple years ago.

We try new recipes during the holidays, but not on the actual day in case of disappointment for tradition.

Tradition

I realize that I’m making memories for my kids.

What are your favorite memories of the holidays? Do that for yourself and your family.

It’s all about the food for us.

While I don’t make a lot of sweets, we really do love the fancy dinners.

I roast a turkey breast for Thanksgiving. I make the most wonderful herb sausage cornbread dressing. Two of my kids don’t like turkey so much. What is up with that?!

The kids get Advent calendars. Everyone gets chocolate. My son and husband share the Star Wars Lego. This year, the kids asked for Yu-Gi-Oh! My teen gets a bath bomb or makeup one.

We celebrate Saint Nicholas. We do stockings for St. Nick with chocolate orange candies and small gifts. This has relieved a lot of pressure for Christmas Eve and Day.

We celebrate Hanukkah with roast beef. When Hanukkah falls mid-December instead of during Christmas week, it’s extra special because it’s like we celebrate more and longer. I seldom can do eight nights of presents, but I try to make it special with a nice family gift.

We have prime rib and Irish ham for Christmas. My youngest daughter really loves the slow roasted ham.

With twice baked potatoes. They’re a favorite!

We also look forward to ham au gratin potatoes as leftovers!

I try to purchase my children an ornament each year so they will have a starter box of their very own Christmas when they grow up.

We almost always get new winter pajamas. And lots of books.

We read lots of holidays books and watch fun holiday movies every year.

We have a simple celebration for New Year’s.

Our holiday season ends with Epiphany.

Delegate

Trusting my kids is a huge part of sanity over the holidays.

While my husband has a panic attack when they carry his grandmother’s china dishes and my crystal butter dish to and from the dining table, I know they can handle it. They take great care with these items. And they’re just things. Someday, it will all be theirs.

My kids always wanted to help put up our artificial Christmas tree when they were very little. I think they considered it a fun puzzle with the colored branch tips.

Nowadays, I bring the big duct-taped box out of the cellar and let them have at it. They’re plenty old enough and do a great job putting it up and pulling it down to store away for another year. My husband and I usually string the lights. We all help sort and hang the ornaments.

The kids completely decorated the front of the house during deployment. It looked like a holiday zoo! I hardly had to help at all. They were amazing.

My middle daughter is quickly becoming self-proficient in the kitchen. She’s in charge of any potato dish. She also sets the table just lovely. I never have to check the placement of a fork or wine glass with her!

My husband is in charge of the prime rib. My son loves cooking meats – frying, grilling, all of it. He loves thermometers! He wants to work in a butcher shop when he’s older.

Let it go

I don’t go to holiday parties.

Most of my husband’s work obligations don’t include me anyway. Our street has an adults-only progressive dinner, but I’d rather spend time with my family than drunk overgrown frat boys. For unavoidable events where it’s important to make an appearance, know when and how to leave as early as possible without seeming rude.

We don’t go to church anymore. I kinda miss the advent readings and candle lighting and midnight singing. Years ago, the church we attended did a fun ladies ornament exchange. But I don’t miss the stress and drama at all.

I really hate shopping, even throughout the year. It’s not hard for me to say no to shopping in November and December. I shop online all year round. I save money with cash back apps. Giving experiences is better as my kids get older.

Declutter before the presents arrive so it’s less stress. One in, one out is our flexible rule. We don’t give lots, but try to limit presents to about four with this little poem.

We do a few gifts within our immediate family. No gifts for extended family. I don’t send cards. I absolutely don’t send braggy annual newsletters, not even on social media. This is all for my sanity and for ethical reasons.

What do you want your family to remember about the holidays?

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Holiday Blues

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November 18, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

With the holidays upon us it’s easy for us to get caught up in the rush of it all. While we may be cooking, shopping, and enjoying holiday events, there are others, many of whom are in our very own circles, having a tougher time.

Most holiday stress and anxiety come from:

Gifts
Expectations
Overwhelm

We can reduce our gift-giving and offer experiences or fewer things.

We can simplify our expectations and stop comparing and refuse to look at Pinterest.

We can say no to situations or things that are not priority.

5 Kinds of People Most Likely to Get the Holiday Blues and How to Help:

1. Divorced or widowed

Loss is a sad, life-changing event at any time of the year.

However, it tends to be harder when everyone around you is joyful celebrating the holidays and you feel it’s an effort to get out of bed.

If someone in your circles is going through a major loss and life transition, be supportive and understanding.

They are grieving and mourning and are especially sensitive around the holidays. It’s important that they feel included but don’t be offended if they choose to opt out of certain events.

Checking in and offering them the option to participate in whatever they want, when they want is a great way to help. Love them through it.

2. Entrepreneurs

The holidays could be stressful for small business owners because so much rides on the end of year.

They may be fretting over their profits (or lack thereof), the goals they didn’t reach, and the many things still to do.

They feel overwhelmed and when they are expected to shop, entertain and be present for their families, they may be short tempered and anxious.

The best way to help the busy entrepreneur is to make their life easier in any way possible. If they can’t make it to a family dinner, tell them your door is open for dessert. Oftentimes they feel guilty and obligated which only adds to their frustration.

Also consider that these worker-bees are conflicted. When they are working, they miss their families and when they are with family, they are thinking of work.

3. Caretakers

Adults who are caretakers to their chronically ill children, relatives, or elderly parents are incredibly overwhelmed and often overlooked.

As a caretaker, they always have to consider the well-being of their patient. They can’t just get up and go.

Caretakers may feel resentful, isolated and stuck during the holidays which leads to conflicted feelings of resentment and guilt. They also believe they have to be hands on managing everything.

It’s important to lighten the caretakers load by offering support even if it means asking them how they are doing.

Be patient and ask the caretaker what they need. It could be something as simple as having food delivered to their home to free up time for other tasks.

4. Recovering addicts

Recovering from addiction is hard. Period.

But it’s harder when holiday festivities are filled with friends and family drinking everything from spiked eggnog to champagne.

Understand that those in recovery from substance abuse are hyper-sensitive about being judged. They feel as if all eyes are on them and that pressure may trigger the desire to use drugs or alcohol to soothe their anxiety. When they aren’t fully recovered, they may anticipate possible “landmines” and avoid them. They may choose to stay to themselves and observe more and participate less. They might opt out of larger family gatherings that are too overwhelming.

Offer an open invitation and remind them they are welcome whenever they are ready.

Offer a safe celebration inclusive of all – with no temptation for alcohol, drugs, or gambling.

A balance of love, support, and acceptance is what they are in most need of.

5. Children of divorce

Divorce means two separate holidays at two different places and kids often feel overwhelmed having to double up.

It’s incredibly important for parents to agree civilly on where the kids are going during the holidays and all the logistical details.

Kids want to feel safe and secure. They don’t want to feel as if they are the expected to be rushed here and there because their parents chose to divorce.

It could be unsettling to younger kids and teens may isolate and rebel against any family events as they are sorting out their own emotions as they get used to a new normal.

Don’t burden kids with guilt trips or overdo it with presents to make up for the stress. Just be honest and supportive and loving.

You really want to establish a game plan for the holidays and if possible, stick to it every year.

The holidays can be a stressful time of year for many of us. It’s a time when we must be aware and extra kind to those on the fringes.

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Quotes from Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a NYC based licensed clinical psychologist, teaching faculty member at the prestigious Columbia University Teachers College and the founder and Clinical Director of Comprehensive Consultation Psychological Services.

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