Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Ashamed

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We aren’t born ashamed.

We have to learn how to be ashamed.

And then we shame others so we don’t feel alone.

Our culture thrives on shame.

Parents are told to shame their children into behaving. Teachers shame students in class to conform. Peers shame each other and it’s considered normal, but it’s really bullying. And when they grow up, these adults bully and shame others to keep control.

We feel guilty when we do something wrong.

We feel ashamed when we believe that we are bad.

I don’t dance.

I used to dance.

I first took lessons when I was in first grade.

I loved ballet and tap. I loved the pink and black practice suits and the recital costumes. I loved the music and the counting and the French words and the practicing and the barre with the stretches. I could point my toes in a perfect arch and suck in the dimples on my buttocks to please my teacher.

I love watching musicals and ballets – live and on TV…the pretty costumes and twirling and how easy it looks.

My parents couldn’t or wouldn’t pay for dance lessons after a year. I was heartbroken. I begged every year to be re-enrolled, but they didn’t take me seriously or couldn’t afford it until I was 12. The studio really didn’t have beginner courses for anyone as old as I was, so I was placed in a class for adults who just wanted the exercise. It was embarrassing. I was good and I was placed in the recital with other dancers my age. I could’ve possibly moved on to pointe the next year or so, but I was too ashamed to continue when I was awkward, lanky, developing. I hadn’t danced for so long and I felt so behind my peers.

I quit dancing and I still regret it.

That feeling of shame rears its hot face even now that I’m older. My husband loves to dance and he used to teach lessons. I don’t even want to dance with him in the privacy of my living room. Ballroom dance and contemporary dance are very different from ballet, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I love to watch him dance with the kids and teach them the classic moves.

Shame isn’t an easy thing to ignore or overcome.

Shame permeates our society.

I’ve been bullied and shamed in parenting circles, at work, in church…it’s like an epidemic or an addiction. People think shame is normal.

We are taught with shame at home, in schools, and in churches.

Shame at Home

Almost all the parenting books, blogs, experts teach shame.

We’re supposed to punish, cajole, bribe, humiliate, ridicule, coerce, abuse our kids into “proper” behavior.

I feel this idea of being shamed into obedience is even worse in Christian circles. There is this idea of a sin/shame cycle that must be beaten (literally or verbally) out of children.

At home, I was hit, belittled, told I was stupid and worthless. My parents thought negative conditioning would create in me a desire to improve. But, actually, it creates dissonance and a feeling of helplessness. Eventually, I began to believe I was stupid and worthless.

My interests weren’t important. I was ridiculed for loving art, music, literature – mere hobbies that wouldn’t offer a well-paying career.

I stopped trying in school about 11th grade. I almost failed algebra II and chemistry. I skipped classes. I didn’t see any point to any of it.

Shame in School

Schools rely on a shame model to produce compliant students.

I lived most of my school days in fear.

Fear of punishment, fear of humiliation, fear of being called on, fear of hearing my name, fear of stepping out of line.

My first grade teacher put a BIG RED X beside my name because I knew how to write it in cursive and we weren’t supposed to know that yet and she didn’t want me to show off.

But the BIG RED X seemed to symbolize a negation of my whole identity.

Teachers often seem to single out students who are different, bullying them just like kids. I’ve witnessed minority kids ridiculed. I’ve witnessed girls shamed. Schools are racist and sexist.

I saw these things as a student and teacher.

Of course, there’s the whole body shaming of girls.

I changed in a bathroom stall for PE in middle school and high school. I was skinny, but never had the desirable flat or toned abs. Someone once told me that my tummy wouldn’t be so noticeable if I had boobs. That didn’t help.

I also didn’t want to be singled out for having the highest grade in science when I was in 9th grade. I quietly asked the teacher to stop praising me in front of the class since I was getting teased by classmates. I was dumbing myself down to be popular. I didn’t do well in science after that year, perhaps on purpose or more likely, subconsciously.

Girls are silenced and shamed by boys, teachers, administrators, parents…and other girls.

Shame in Church

The Christian church relies on shaming to keep members submissive.

Children are taught the sin model from parents, leaders, teachers, pastors.

There’s nowhere positive to go from there. What’s the point if you’re destined for a life of sin and eternal damnation? Different denominations teach different methods of salvation: say a little prayer, confess, flagellation, communion, accountability partners, fasting. Some preach that certain people are predestined, so it doesn’t matter what you do anyway.

It’s all outward appearance and makes us feel more ashamed for our failures, real or imagined.

At a Lent planning meeting at the church we used to attend, a deacon crossed my name off the children’s learning time and said she didn’t need me to do that. She acted like she was doing me a favor, releasing me from duty, but I know she just likes control and doing it all.

I felt like I was back in first grade, even if she didn’t use a red pen.

I’ve never gone back to a planning meeting nor am I really involved at all at church anymore.

We stopped going to church. 

And they are both of them naked, the man and woman, and they are not ashamed of themselves. Genesis 2:25

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves. Genesis 3:7

Why did Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness only after they sinned?

Chabad

Shame online

I’m glad we didn’t have social media until I was an adult. I don’t think I could’ve handled the cyber bullying and humiliation I see every day online.

We monitor the apps our daughters use closely. I really limit my social media time because it depresses me.

I’m glad we homeschool, so I don’t think we experience it as much, but my eldest was bullied a few years ago within our homeschool community and online and it was ugly.

Some people are just always itching for a fight and I don’t want to engage.

People hide behind their avatars, screens, keyboards…anonymous. It’s easier for them to spew their hatred at people who don’t share their views.

We like to be noticed, named, not forgotten or dismissed.

I try to be very careful how I speak to my children and spouse. Of course, I fail miserably very often, but I try to make amends.

I don’t want to humiliate, shame, or ridicule anyone. I know too well how that feels. Words can hurt.

Linking up: Let it Shine, Pinventures, Mrs. AOK, Mostly Blogging, Create with Joy, Anita Ojeda, Mary Geisen, Abounding Grace, April Harris, LouLou Girls, Home Stories, MaryAndering Creatively, Anchored Abode, InstaEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, Our Three Peas, The Mrs. Tee, Gingersnap Crafts, Jessi’s Design, Creative K Kids, Over the Moon, TFT, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Apron Strings, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Rachel Lee, Worth Beyond Rubies, Try It Like It, Soaring with Him, Quiet Homemaker, Life with Lorelai, Chic on a Shoestring, Anna Nuttall, Anna Nuttall, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Debbie Kitterman, Crystal Waddell, Susan Mead, Counting My Blessings, Being a Wordsmith, Welcome Heart,

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Advice to My Younger Self

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I often wish someone had offered suggestions to us as a young family when we struggled for balance.

I didn’t have mentors at all. We knew we wanted a different lifestyle than our parents, peers, siblings, friends.

We didn’t know where to start to streamline our schedules and get the most bang for our buck.

We had to make our own way, lots of mistakes, and lean on each other for the last 14 years. We’re still learning!

It’s often so much newness that you don’t stop to think about the stress.

Finishing up college or grad school, getting married or moving in, new jobs, beginning or changing a career, having babies.

These are all wonderful, exciting things…but they’re also very high on the stress index.

We often don’t stop to realize how all these amazing opportunities and changes stress us out even though we think we’re happy.

It’s important to have a good support network, rely on and trust your spouse, and have a good foundation about your values, priorities, and needs.

I’m 43 now and looking back, I’ve learned a lot from life and…

I have some advice for my younger self.

I should have taken better care of me – my physical and mental health. It’s important and I’m paying the price now. Is this what a mid-life crisis look like?

No one really cares what you look like. Don’t worry so much about it. Wear what you want, what’s comfortable. Do whatever to your hair and makeup. Stretch marks and laugh lines are battle scars. Be yourself.

Speak up. No one knows what you’re feeling or thinking if you don’t tell them. Don’t play childish guessing games.

There is no us and them. We’re all in this together. 

5 Areas to Address for Success:

1. Marriage

No name calling, ever.

The only time you should use the words “dummy” or “fool” is when you’re talking about puppets or pudding desserts, respectively. Focus on positive and nonviolent language, even when you’re angry.

Work together as a team.

It’s easy to get lazy and not be as courteous to our spouses as we should be. “Equality” means different things to different couples. Some do their own laundry separately or one cooks and the other does the dishes. If it works, then by all means, continue. But don’t be petty or waste time, money, and energy when it could be more helpful and efficient to work together or help each other out on something. Use gifts, talents, and interests well.

Communicate.

The 3 biggest issues in most marriages are sex, money, and parenting. Most disagreements, misconceptions, arguments, and misunderstandings involve one of these three topics.

Get over your embarrassments, inhibitions, issues, and baggage…and learn how to discuss your needs, desires, wants, and expectations about these things.

The marriage checklist listed in this article is a great place to fill in some gaps.

My favorite marriage book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Money

I don’t like the term “budget” because it’s so narrow and constricting. Most of us are a little flexible and don’t spend the exact same amount on categories each pay period. Using the term “spending plan” is much more accurate for most of us. We’re not disciplined enough to use cash envelopes each month for categories, but I hear it’s successful for some. I think most of us pay bills online and use our check cards for other purchases. Obviously, that requires keeping on top of purchases and receipts, and communicating with your partner.

I use an Excel spreadsheet to track our expenses each month.

If there are separate accounts, make sure to communicate about who is responsible for what. We have a separate account just for our rent and car payment. I have a separate account for all my writing, but it barely breaks even.

Know your income. Know the salary at your job. Make sure to getting what you’re owed. Check pay stubs and make corrections. Get the most income by adjusting withholding for taxes at places of employment. No need to lend that money to the government to get a big tax return. Most of us would rather have that little bit more each paycheck.

Insurance. Research the best options for your family’s needs. Everyone needs affordable health insurance. Shop around for the best auto and renters or homeowners insurance for your situation. And update as your frequently as your lifestyle changes.

Investments. As soon as possible, invest in Roth IRAs and max those babies out. We’re not even there yet. We’ve never been able to max them out. We do have 529s for our 4 kids. That’s a great way to help kids begin their adult lives debt-free, with no student loans!

Debt. List all debt and be honest with yourself. Student loans. Car payments. Child support and alimony. List minimum payments and due dates in order.

Food. This is often a HUGE expense and can be curtailed with some planning. See info about “meals” below.

Gas. This can be a big expense. The USA is a huge gas guzzling empire, and cars are everywhere.  Most towns and cities aren’t built for bicycles or pedestrians. Public transportation is minimal and unreliable in most places. If possible, limit your family to one car and plan well – carpooling, limiting errands to 1 or 2 days a week, bicycling and walking more. It cuts down on expenses and pollution.

Miscellaneous. There’s always something, right? We have to be aware of regular expenses and plan for emergencies. Know when car tags are due and put that on your spreadsheet. Spring is a big time for our family’s birthdays. Autumn comes with new curriculum and school supplies and clothes. Summer camps and rec sports for kids can really add up. Holidays can often make for surprises. We don’t give greeting cards anymore and we limit gift-giving.

3. Meals

Prepping and planning. It took me years to develop a good system and I still sometimes struggle.

I try to limit waste and plan meals around store sales and coupons on shopping apps.

Sure, we get bored and have to mix it up sometimes.

We sometimes throw a plan out the window for holidays and celebrations.

We seldom eat out, which saves money. We make our food from scratch which is healthier and more satisfying for us. We don’t like a lot of processed, pre-packaged foods.

Shopping. I tend to shop weekly at Kroger and/or Walmart.

About once a month, I do a big haul at Costco and/or the commissary.

I price compare and keep track of where the better deals are.

I buy bacon, sausage, and cat litter at the commissary.

Cooking. Someone has to make dinner. Every day.

I feel it’s important to have dinner together as a family every night, if possible.

As the kids get older, they help so much with meals and it’s great for us to all to work together.

I often prep and my husband grills.

Occasionally, I serve the kids earlier and have a nicer meal and movie night with my husband.

4. House

Maintenance. Whether it’s an apartment, rental house, or you own your own home, regular maintenance is important. We’ve always rented homes, but we try to stay proactive and let the homeowner know when and if items need repair. We replace filters on time, we keep everything clean, and we maintain the yard and grounds regularly.

Decoration. We are frugal and simple with seasonal and regular home decor. It took me years to find a home style I feel comfortable with that isn’t overwhelming. I’m still evolving and since we move every few years, it allows for some fun updates. 

Organization. Everything in its place. If you have to buy storage for your stuff, you have too much stuff. With four growing kids, we had so much stuff for so many years. As they grow and don’t need so much, it’s so refreshing to donate or sell items as they outgrow toys, clothes, and homeschool materials.

5. Children

Discipline. It’s important for spouses to be on the same page about how to raise children.

Chores. Kids really want to help, so let them.

Activities. Less is more. We’ve had seasons of overscheduling and find it’s better for each child to have one extracurricular activity at a time. We do family art lessons and each child has a seasonal or recreational sport.

Day care/Babysitting. Day care is just so expensive. We made a hard choice for me to stay home with the kids to save money and not outsource them to someone else to raise.

While we had a season when we hired babysitters so we could socialize, I regret that now that it didn’t really help our family grow personally or spiritually.

School. There are lots of options for education. Public, private, religious, charter, homeschool. Each has its pros and cons and your family has to make the tough decision how you want your kids educated. And it can even change from year to year, season to season, or with different kids.

We tried homeschooling and never looked back. It was an easy choice for us with moving around so frequently. It allowed so much more freedom for our family to travel and learn how we want.

Religion. Even if it’s not important or an issue for you and your spouse, kids will most likely bring this up at some point. It’s better to have a response in mind beforehand than to have to scramble and stumble with ill-conceived explanations. Know what you believe and why so you can explain, teach, and guide your kids. They will have questions. Don’t be embarrassed or shame them if you don’t know the answers. Find out together.

Setting Goals for the Future:

Sometimes, this is really hard and life throws really fast curveballs.

We’ve had our fair share of struggles and setbacks. We’ve lived through tragedies and adventures we never imagined or planned for and here we are, living to tell about it.

I often think about these things, dream about it, and set goals:

1 year

Where do I want to be a year from now?

Sometimes, we know we’re going to PCS and I make plans for our new location.

I research our homeschool activities and curriculum.

I consider our debt and finances and plan better. 

My eldest is beginning college and will probably move into a dorm.

3 years

What dreams do I have for 3 years from now?

I consider what my kids will be doing in our homeschool. 

My eldest might be finishing college and starting her career.

My middle girls will be high school age. What do I want that to look like?

5 years

What do we want 5 years from now?

We’re getting close to my husband’s retirement. Where do we want to live? What other job does he want?

My son will be our last child at home. What will his high school years look like?

How can I support my middle girls in their higher education?

What will our relationship look like with my eldest daughter?

10 years

What do I want our family to look like in 10 years?

What am I doing right now to ensure my kids are friends as adults?

How will we juggle relationships with four adult kids who might live all over the world?

How am I managing our finances for our future comfort?

How can I care for my aging parents?

It’s important to set goals and reevaluate your family’s needs at different life stages.

Linking up: Pinventures, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Home Stories, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Penny’s Passion, Mostly Blogging, Mrs. AOK, Creative K Kids, Over the Moon, TFT, Imparting Grace, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Abounding Grace, Create with Joy, Modest Mom, Debbie Kitterman, Apron Strings, Rachel Lee, Anchored Abode, Insta Encouragements, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Welcome Heart, Try it Like it, MaryAndering Creatively, Being a Wordsmith, Anna Nuttall, Quiet Homemaker, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Fireman’s Wife, Susan Mead, Counting My Blessings, Life with Lorelai, CKK, Coffee with Us3, Oh My Heartsie Girl,

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Breaking the Cycle of Negativity

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When I can’t offer grace to myself, I can’t offer grace to others.

I must overcome my hurts and negativity to allow my children to make their own decisions and become resilient.

I have authoritarian parents. I had no voice. I kept my opinions and emotions to myself. I was the poster child for “seen and not heard.” I was naturally quiet and observant.

I grew up in a time when I went to school and then played outside until the streetlights came on. During school breaks and summers, I played outside from sunup until sundown, grabbing lunch, snacks, and drinks at anyone’s house who would have me.

But I went through my childhood and youth in a fog.

Most of my memories are negative.

I remember punishments. I remember being snapped at, complained about, ridiculed, humiliated, smacked, switched, spanked, pushed, yelled at, and isolated in my room.

I remember being told I was worthless when my grades weren’t “good enough” because my “only job was to go to school.”

My interests in art, music, and literature were ridiculed as stupid and worthless towards a good career. I was told I should go to college for business or computers, which were not my interests at all.

I was always a disappointment.

The first few years of my marriage I had PTSD.

I lived in survival mode. I could barely cope with daily activities. Without constant reminders from my parents of how worthless and disappointing I was, I became self-destructive. My inner monologue reminded me all the time.

I couldn’t accept my husband’s affection. I couldn’t trust him (I still struggle).

It only exacerbated the situation that we moved out of state twice, I had to quit my job, began homeschooling my eldest daughter, both my husband’s parents suddenly passed away, and I gave birth to my middle two daughters during that time.

Living away from my parents forced me to confront my issues and seek healing.

It took me about 10 years to start to feel healthy.

My relationship with my parents is a rocky road.

My parents visited us in Utah, mid-May 2011, while my husband was deployed.

My son had just turned one. My middle girls were preschoolers. My eldest was the only one who even really knew my parents.

They stayed in a hotel nearby and graced us with their presence about lunchtime while disrupting our schedule and constantly telling my children to go play in the basement while they sat on the sofa to read the newspaper they brought with them.

I would sit awkwardly in a chair, not sure what to say or do. My heart broke for my children, who were confused.

I was torn between being a daughter and a mother.

It was a miserable few days until they had a tantrum and returned home early.

I received a handwritten letter in the mail a few days after that.

In the letter, my father told me what a horrible mother I was, that I should spank my terrible, ill-mannered children.

So he basically brutally criticized me for not parenting like him.

My kids are great kids. Their eating and resting schedule had been disrupted and they were confused by having virtual strangers in our house and they didn’t know what to expect. They were treated like burdens.

I still have that letter.

A few years later, we visited my parents before leaving for Germany. I figured since they’re in their 70s, I would regret not spending time with them if something happened while we were overseas.

We stayed with them for 11 stressful days.

One day, we went out to a local BBQ place for lunch. My husband ordered and paid for everything and I suggested to my mom and my kids to go find a booth to sit and wait. When we brought the food to the table, my mom literally snatched stuff and snapped at my eldest daughter to give her the food. She acted like a starving person. She acted so selfishly that my kids looked at me with wide, scared eyes, not knowing how to react or what to do. I look back and wonder if she thought she was getting out of the way so my kids could have the rest, but none of us saw it that way. We just do things so differently. We serve our kids first and then take the rest, if there is any. We would have bought more if it had not been enough.

I realize my mother suffers her own demons.

During that same week, my father had promised my son that he would take him to his barber for a haircut and they would have an afternoon out to themselves and maybe get ice cream. Well, my dad had a tantrum and left by himself without informing anyone and got his own haircut and was gone a really long time. It was so heartbreaking to see my son confused and hurt.

I realize my father suffers his own demons.

It was a peaceful time in Germany, for the most part. I read and grew and learned a lot about myself.

We stayed with my parents again for just a few days upon returning from Germany. It was a little bit better this time. We recently moved to Ohio.

My parents promised multiple times to help pay for my eldest daughter’s college education, but they lied and said they never promised that – even though my daughter, husband, and I all remember these promises. They said they would help, but when we told them the price of her tuition in September and December, they hemmed and hawed, then finally paid for both semesters – but after the due dates.

They always ask what we want for Christmas and birthdays.

Then they always say they can’t or won’t get those items for various reasons.

My mom sends seasonal boxes with dollar store items and cheap, generic toys that we often just donate to thrift stores.

A year ago, they didn’t send anything at all for Liz or Tori for Christmas.

My dad didn’t speak to me from October to February. He later admitted his feelings were hurt because he felt I only wanted money.

I’ve come a long way in my self-improvement, but this is all bullshit.

He complains all the time how they have no extra money.

Which I could accept if it were true. And no, things aren’t what’s most important.

But last year, they just bought a third car – a VW Bug Turbo and 2 brand new iPads.

Recently, my mom sent some money for summer camps for my kids and mentioned they’ve never supported me in educating the kids at home.

Wow.

It’s just always so confusing and I never know what to expect. I hate feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. And everything they send always has strings attached.

I realize they parented me the best way they knew how.

I am trying to break generational curses.

My parents can treat me however they want, talk to me however they want…but they can’t hurt my children.

I will break this cycle.

I will be a better mom, a happier and healthier mom.

Ways My Negativity Can Hurt My Kids:

Control

Every aspect of my life was controlled.

I grew up and lived in fear until I was almost 30 years old.

I want my kids to feel free – to talk to me, to feel and express all emotions, have friends, learn how they want, go to college (or not) for what they want to study, eat what and when they like, etc.

Unforgiveness

My parents hold grudges.

Loving unconditionally is not something I ever knew. I had to unlearn and relearn so much.

I have to separate misbehavior, mistakes, unkindness from the person and address the situation without shaming.

Bitterness

My parents are gray with bitterness.

They have so much hate. They have so much anger.

I didn’t know rage and hate were different until a few years ago.

Do I want to be bitter or better?

What I Can Do Better:

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to be self-aware of what upsets me, my triggers – reactions to circumstances that may remind me of abuse or negative memories.

I need to recognize covert and overt narcissistic tendencies in myself, reactions that I learned. Some tendencies that I even see in my children.

I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle I grew up in, but apparently, I’ve inadvertently passed on things to my kids despite all my knowledge and attempts to be better.

There’s always work to be done.

Apology

It’s so important to recognize and address mistakes and when we misspeak. We practice sincere apology.

When I make mistakes, I apologize and ask forgiveness. I model this to my family. 

Simplicity

We constantly reevaluate and simplify by minimizing and resting.

Things aren’t what’s most important. We have so many choices, so much material wealth. We can go to the store and purchase almost anything.

Credit cards are a poor option. We want to leave a better legacy for our kids.

Vulnerability

It’s important to me that we all feel safe in our emotions and the ability to discuss everything as a family.

But sometimes, they need privacy and I have to respect that.

While I want to be transparent, I also want to have healthy relationships with my kids and not burden them with adult problems.

It’s a constant balancing of realizing they’re maturing, growing, and learning. I have to adapt to their needs and our changing relationship.

How do you break the cycle?

Linking up: Mrs. AOK, Mostly Blogging, Welcome Heart, Blogghetti, Anita Ojeda, Pinventures, CWJ, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, Modest Mom, MaryAndering Creatively, Abounding Grace, Jaime Wiebel, Anchored Abode, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Life Abundant, Our Three Peas, Meghan Weyerbacher, Gingersnap Crafts, Sarah Frazer, Becoming Press, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Wise Woman, Soaring with Him, Welcome Heart, Worth Beyond Rubies, Penny’s Passion, Over the Moon, TFT, CKK, Debbie Kitterman, Apron Strings, Crystal Storms, Rachel Lee, Try it Like it, Life with Lorelai, Coffee with Us3, Crystal Waddell, Counting My Blessings, Lyli Dunbar, Susan Mead, CWJ, Momfessionals, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Answer is Choco, Anna Nuttall, The Quiet Homemaker, Being a Wordsmith, Inspo for Moms,

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How Deployment Affects Kids

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Our first deployment, the kids were young.

Our kids were 9, 4 1/2, 3 1/2, and 9 1/2 months.

He left for Kandahar, Afghanistan, in mid-January. I was all alone in Utah – far from family, and friends were almost non-existent.

I’m pretty self-sufficient.

Sure, I had some bad days.

We had a blizzard. I burned the garlic toast one night at dinner. We had a basement flood on Memorial Day.

Overall, we did well, considering.

Our second deployment, the kids are older.

They’re 18, 12, 11, and 8.

It’s so different, but not necessarily easier.

As a homeschooling mom of 4, deployment can be lonely and difficult at times. We have no help – no family nearby, no support system. We are self-reliant. I am an introvert.

I simplify for sanity some days, or even weeks. Sometimes, I buy storebought baked goods, rotisserie chickens for dinner, canned biscuits, and these new natural Lunchables. My time is valued and these shortcuts help us a lot when life gets hectic. We’ve even gone out to eat a few times!

Cutting corners is fine. I have to give myself a break.

I don’t want to drive 4 kids all over town every day or all weekend. I limit errands and activities to save time and money and yes, it’s hard to say no sometimes. I have to judge what’s the best use of our time and money. I can’t be in two places at once. We participate in activities together as much as possible – art lessons, classes at our local craft stores, rec sports at the same park.

Bedtime is earlier. After dinner, I’m just spent. I want to take a bubble bath and lie in bed watching Netflix with my cats.

My kids are older now and they can help a lot more around the house. The kids understand. I use Facebook Messenger Kids to remind them to load the dishwasher.

Holidays can be different. We don’t have to eat turkey at Thanksgiving. We can celebrate Christmas on a different, more convenient, day. We can eat a picnic in the living room with the TV on.

We maintain routines as much as possible for our comfort and my sanity.

We pray and read and cook and eat. We get outside and exercise almost every day, no matter the weather. We snuggle and love the cats.

We allow the tears and sadness because it’s healthy to express all emotions.

How Deployment Affects Kids

How Does Deployment Affect Kids?

Most people think deployment must just be really hard and negative for families. While there are certainly sad times, I think deployment can help families grow stronger.

Infants

My son didn’t much seem to notice anything different. I was his primary caretaker and that didn’t change. If he noticed or wondered why Dad wasn’t home evenings or weekends all of a sudden, he couldn’t communicate that question.

My son was mostly oblivious to everything during the first deployment. It was just regular life for him. Of course, he picked up on my emotions and stress. It seemed like Dad missed so much – his first steps and his first birthday. So much growth.

It was a little awkward with the homecoming and he sorta remembered Dad, but it took a little while for them to get comfortable with each other again.

Toddlers

Kids in this age group are not known for flexibility or handling change well. I think it’s hard to explain something complex like deployment to small children.

They wonder if he’s coming back, if he’ll be safe or get hurt. They develop abandonment issues. They become very clingy. It’s hard for them to express emotions and handle stress.

My youngest daughter was and is pretty independent and I don’t think she was too concerned about Dad being gone, but she wasn’t really able to process or express anything about it.

I kept the kids on a routine to help us all adjust more easily.

Preschoolers

It was so super hard on my middle daughter during the first deployment. She pretty much slept in my bed the entire time Dad was gone. She struggled with abandonment feelings. She struggled with middle child issues. She couldn’t process her emotions nor express her fears. She’s always been our sensitive one.

It helped her to grow. She’s strong now as a 12 year old and amazes me every day as my helper in all things.

Elementary

My eldest daughter has always had to be strong for her siblings, and sometimes even for me. She’s had to be responsible from a very young age. She was a huge help during the first deployment.

My 8 year old son is feeling it hardest for this second deployment. He’s gotten better into a routine now that we’re about halfway through. There are lonely times for him as the only boy in a houseful of girls. I help him use his time serving, helping, and learning.

He misses his Dad.

Tweens

My middle girls at age 11 and 12 are pretty indifferent about this second deployment. They chat and FaceTime with Dad frequently and they don’t really feel (or don’t express) the distance. They send him photos on email and chat and create drawings for the care packages we send. Maybe they’re just well adjusted and accepting.

Teens

My eldest is now eighteen, and fairly independent. She still relies on me for advice and help, especially during crises. She hasn’t taken her driving test yet for her license yet.

But sometimes, she thinks she knows everything. She’s not very affected by the deployment. She helps at home and works with me on schedules so I can do everything we need to do. I know she’s angry and wishes her life had been different.

Don’t we all have regrets? Military life has its ups and downs but we’ve had amazing opportunities. She realizes this, but sometimes feels disappointment at our lack of roots.

She’s learning valuable lessons about fidelity, duty, love, and relationships.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Military life builds resilience, flexibility, independence, value, and perspective.

I’m making memories with these kids – who are living for 8ish months without a father, except on FaceTime, messenger, and email. I have to make it as special and good as possible. I do try to hide my negative emotions and I try never, ever, to lash out at them when I’m stressed. I don’t want Dad to only hear about problems. He needs to be part of the joy and celebration too, so he doesn’t feel he’s missing so much.

After close to a year apart, we have to learn each other again.

Yes, it’s hard sometimes.

They know we’re in this together.

 

You might also like My Tips for Surviving Motherhood During Deployment.

Linking up: Our Holiday Journey, Create with Joy, Pinventures, Organized Dream, Mostly Blogging, Inspo for Moms, Darling Downs Diaries, Blogghetti, Chicken Chick, Coffee with Us3, Mrs. Tee, Timeless Mama, Holley Gerth, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, My Uncommon Slice of Suburbia, Trekking Thru, Purposeful Faith, Abounding Grace, Jessi’s Design, Wise Woman, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Over the Moon, Mississippi Mom, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, CWJ, Fireman’s Wife, Overwhelmed to Fulfilled, Easy Peasy pleasy, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Being a Wordsmith, Penny’s Passion, Counting My Blessings, Crystal Waddell, Mommynificent, Be Thee Inspired, Crystal Storms, CKK, TFT, Lori Schumaker, Imparting Grace, Lyli Dunbar, Simply Sweet Home, Life with Lorelai, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Our Mini Family,
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Personal Growth

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I wasn’t a healthy youth, teen, or young adult.My parents had narcissistic tendencies. They were also suffocatingly overprotective. I’m an only child. Naturally, I grew up with some unhealthy coping mechanisms.I eloped when I was 21. He was 28. My parents disowned me. They mailed me a copy of their legal will, torn into shreds. My father didn’t attend my master’s degree graduation ceremony.It was a special time.I was too young, inexperienced, naïve, the works. We were inexperienced in so many ways. He wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t right for him. We weren’t right for each other.He was a drug dealer and addicted to porn.And I really didn’t know.Four years of abuse, including verbal/emotional, sexual, and physical, and the emotional and spiritual abuse from the churches his family attended led me on a serious journey of self-discovery.

If you lose someone, but find yourself, you won.

{Get the journal.}

I left him in 2001. We’ve been divorced since 2002.
You cannot heal in the same environment where you were hurt.
The church really attacked me over the divorce. I felt so alone.There have been some interesting developments with his niece over the years. I can’t even begin to understand his family and their choices and decisions.His family were my first exposure to Christianity and it damaged me. It continues to affect my faith walk.

I am not the same as when I was in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

Personal Growth
My ex posted this in August 2018.So that’s his perception and we’re all entitled to our own perception.
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” ~Anne Lamott
Once a person reaches age 50+, maybe learn to move on and show some personal growth?Is social media the place to work out your emotional baggage, seek personal affirmation, and discuss people behind their back?Oh, wait…I minored in psychology at university. I was *this close* to a double major.I’ve read a lot about narcissism and other mental disorders and illnesses. It’s kind of a hobby, and I have a very personal interest.Did I and do I have narcissistic tendencies?Absolutely.But I’m more an empath and I find this article absolutely fascinating comparing empaths and narcissists.And this other article about empaths and narcissists.How narcissists manipulate.A pretty accurate list of narcissist traits.
“An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts, and emotions of others while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.”
As a child of narcissists, I recognize these destructive tendencies and I actively steer my attitudes and actions away from repeating the cycle of abuse. There’s even a Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder, PNSD.I was wounded.On my journey of self-discovery, I have learned the hard lesson of how to forgive. I no longer blame my ex for the problems we faced while we were in a relationship. I used to be very angry and bitter. Negativity ate me up inside. Now, when I remember, they are just facts. The events happened. I am unemotional about it. I am no longer ashamed or afraid.He had his issues and I had mine. But I feel that I have mostly overcome my issues. I feel much more comfortable with who I am now than I did then.I have grown up.I have moved on.The best thing I ever did was leave the state where I grew up and where my ex and his family still reside. I took my daughter and we literally and figuratively escaped.I had to be independent of my parents.I had to learn to be self-reliant.I had to develop my own identity.Most kids do this gradually as teens and young adults, but I wasn’t allowed to do this in a natural or healthy way.I’m not going to rehash the failures in our relationship or the issues during and after the divorce. Perhaps another time.After many years of no contact from my ex, and no child support payments of the $20k+ back payments he owed, my current husband adopted my daughter. We also have three kids together. We realize that we are not perfect people. We have had our struggles and we had to grow up and learn what duty and commitment and healthy relationships look like. We have no role models. It’s been almost 14 years now.For years, my parents accused me of so many horrible things, of being an ungrateful daughter. They have written me hate mail – via paper letter and email – about how poorly I am raising my children, what a terrible mother I am, that I should physically discipline my kids. They even found a therapist to agree with them, to blame me for their unhappiness with themselves and the world, or so they said. They are bitter, angry people.And I no longer blame my parents for who they are and how mean they sometimes were. I forgive them. It still hurts and their words and actions affect me deep inside my core because they are my parents.I’ve done everything I can to break the cycle of abuse. I am constantly seeking ways of self-improvement.My daughter, who is now 18, struggles with abandonment issues even though she hasn’t physically seen her biological father since she was four years old. She contacted him via social media last year – with my knowledge and blessing – and has experienced nothing but disappointment and heartbreak as he accuses her of being brainwashed with my lies. He recently blocked her on Facebook and bragged about that to his family and friends – so any conversation between him and our daughter is over for the time being.I have so much paperwork to back up my story. I ache for her to heal the wounds of her past. I long for her to be healthy and whole. I pray for her relationships and mental health.And as for my parents…Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?Living in Texas, Hawaii, Utah, Germany, and now Ohio, and only having very limited contact with my parents has forced them to grow too. They’re 76 now.My father just sent me an email apologizing for his poor behavior and emotional distance the past twenty years – since I left home.So, we’re still making progress.Sometimes it does help to talk to mental health professional. 

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Military Children and Toxic Stress

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This post is done in partnership with Stress Health, an initiative of the Center for Youth Wellness, but the opinions expressed are my own.

For military children, toxic stress can be an ongoing threat.

I know there have been seasons when we’ve been under extreme stress, and I’ve done all I can to alleviate it to keep our family on an even keel. Sometimes, it’s just so hard.

Life comes at us fast. Marriage, babies, elderly parents with illness or death, moving around a lot — sometimes on short notice or being deployed overseas, losing jobs and career as I follow my husband.

It seems that we’ve done it all.

Some years, we test really high on the stress index. It’s been a roller coaster of fifteen years and counting.

You can take Stress Health’s quiz to find out if you experienced the kind of childhood adversity that predisposes you to toxic stress.

We are fortunate to have four very resilient kids.

Children may be at special risk from the stress of military life.

Living with high stress almost all the time can mirror symptoms of ADHD and PTSD (post-traumatic syndrome disorder). Behavioral and emotional issues can arise from living in perpetual flight or fight mode. It feels like constant anxiety.

Stress that Affects Military Families:

Permanent Change of Station orders (PCS)

Military life involves moving frequently. Moving is always stressful, even if it’s desired and exciting. There’s just so much to do.

Kids can get lost in the shuffle of organizing and packing, traveling and unpacking.

Taking some time to comfort and explain the moving process to kids helps them to work through their emotions. There’s a lot involved in preparing for a PCS. We each process our grief in different ways when leaving a new place and starting over.

We like to give our kids little jobs to help them own the process and feel more in control during this tumultuous time.

We purge our household goods every few years before each move and have the kids help, sorting through things they’ve outgrown. They can label their toys and choose which ones to take in their backpacks. They can put personalized stickers on their room’s boxes to easily recognize them for unloading and unpacking. They get to arrange and decorate their rooms in the new house.

Deployment

Having a parent leave for months at a time is stressful on a family.

It can be dangerous for the deployed spouse, depending on his job and location.

Communication is often sporadic – and never seems available when we need it.

Anything that can go wrong seems to go wrong during deployment – injury, illness, flood, cats dying, car trouble.

Helping kids through this difficult time is a priority.

We gave our young kids pillows with pictures of Dad during our first deployment. He recorded a little book that they looked at and listened to often.

The time difference is always an issue. We have a clock labeled with the time where Dad is located. We have a countdown calendar that I printed for our youngest to mark off each day that Dad is away.

The kids each have their own iPad minis, and they often message or video-chat with Dad now that they’re older.

It’s hard to balance events of home life when I’m basically acting as a single mom to four kids. They rely on me and each other, and there’s no one to help.

Sometimes, it’s lonely and a struggle. Weekends and holidays just suck.

Homecoming is also stressful.

The expectations just don’t match the reality.

We’re not really into posters and balloons and warm fuzzy videos.

We do get to meet him at the airplane gate: That’s a perk. He’s tired and greasy from maybe 24 hours or more of travel. We’re excited but feel trepidation for the reintegration process.

I feel that any joyful moments are stolen from us when commanders and coworkers arrive at the airport baggage claim to welcome him home. There’s no privacy. I hate feeling like all eyes are on me, observing my reactions too closely. We probably don’t look or feel happy enough. We’re all running on adrenaline.

At that point, we just stand aside, uncomfortable and awkward as the military members surround him to share their understanding of the deployment.

We feel lost and forgotten.

It can take weeks to get back to a routine and used to each other again. The kids don’t know whether to smother him or ignore him. Life has gone on for months in his absence.  The kids and I have all shared it, and we have our little memories and private jokes.

Friendships

Maintaining close friendships is difficult with military life.

We’ve learned to jump in and try to meet people as soon as we arrive at a new location. We don’t have time to waste when we’re at a base for only two to four years.

We are transient, third culture people, and we are too quickly forgotten by friends and acquaintances once we move away.

Many people don’t understand military life and don’t want to invest in a temporary friendship.

It always hurts to be forgotten, and we sometimes build up a wall around our hearts so we’re not hurt. I’m saddened to see this in my kids as they grow up. They’re self-reliant and have few friends.

School and Activities

Kids experience stress with school and activities, and it just compounds when they have to find new ones every few years.

My kids show talent with sports, music, art, and other activities…but it’s hard to find new teachers and coaches every few years.

There’s no continuity.

Church shopping is no fun, either. We’ve all but given up on finding anywhere welcoming.

Retirement

So many unknowns loom during the end of a military career.

Lots of decisions have to be made in a short time period.

When the kids are still young and living at home, we want to include them and their needs in the process of retirement. We want them to feel safe, comfortable, and happy with where we choose to retire and settle down.

When nowhere and everywhere is home, finding somewhere to settle for good is just scary.

Military life has its benefits. We are perhaps more thankful for our freedoms and don’t take them for granted. The stresses we experience as a military family are just our life.

Learn more about stress and healing.

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How To Talk To Your Kids About Divorce

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How To Talk To Your Kids About Divorce: 5 Tips

Divorce can be a traumatic event for every member of the family.

When a marriage ends, it can affect everyone differently, but it may have an especially significant impact on your kids. Some experts believe that divorce can have a lifelong impact on children, and others believe support and understanding is the key to helping them through the crisis.

If you and your spouse are preparing to divorce, there are a few different strategies you can use to talk to your kids in a way that may help them understand.

1.    Do Not Wait

If you and your spouse have decided that divorce is the only option, then it is a good idea to discuss it with your children as soon as possible. Putting it off only delays the inevitable, and the sooner they are aware of the situation, the more time they have to ask questions. If possible, schedule a time where you and your spouse can speak to them together, so they understand both their parents are there for them.

2.    Be Concise

Cutting back on details about your divorce can be especially helpful when you are dealing with younger kids between the ages of five to eight. Explain briefly what divorce means and how it will change your family. If the child questions why you are splitting, you can simply explain that you and your spouse are no longer happy and that it affects the happiness of the entire family.

It is important to consider the different ages of your kids when discussing divorce. Preteens and teenagers may experience a variety of emotions, from self-blame to anger at you and your spouse. Do all you can to reassure them the divorce is about your relationship with your partner, not them or their siblings, and that your love for them has not changed.

3.    Do Not Project Your Feelings

While it is normal for you and your children to be upset when discussing a divorce, remember that this is not the time to vent your feelings of anger, disappointment, and fear or to project them onto your kids. They will no doubt be dealing with some very powerful emotions themselves, so while it may be difficult, try to put aside what you feel, avoid belittling or verbally bashing your spouse, and try to give your children the support they are going to need.

4.    Seek Legal Advice Beforehand

Consulting a legal firm that has experience with family law, such as Cordell & Cordell, can provide you with the information you need before you talk to your kids. For example, a knowledgeable lawyer will likely be able to help you work out custody details and offer wise advice so you can answer your kids’ questions with more confidence. This may also help your children feel a bit more at ease.

5.    Do Not Make Kids Choose

Putting older kids in the middle of your divorce can make them feel anxious, tense, and angry. If there is a question of custody, it is important that you work it out with your spouse instead of making the children choose who they would rather live with. This can cause them to feel pressured and as if the other parent might not love them anymore because of their choice.

Forcing your kids to make choices about your divorce can cause them great mental stress. Instead, make an effort to consult a local family firm like Cordell & Cordell, which has offices in many states and can help you make the best choices about custody so your kids do not have to.

Divorce can be rough on every member of the family, but none so much as your kids. However, even if it is your only option, honesty and offering loving support can help them endure.


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12 Bullying Warning Signs

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When kids head back to school these days they face some big stressors in addition to homework grades and peer pressure. Concerns about bullying and its relationship to school violence add another layer of stress.

More than 43% of teens report being bullied online; additionally, teens are more than twice as likely to tell their peers about bullying than they are to tell parents or other adults, one study found. Victims of bullying and other early trauma often carry emotional scars into adulthood, Dr. Nelson, author of the bestselling book “The Emotion Code,” explains in this short video.

12 bullying warning signs parents should watch for:

  • Emotional upset, anxiety, and depression.
  • Frequent headaches and stomach aches.
  • Faking illness.
  • Unexplainable injuries.
  • Changes in eating habits.
  • Poor sleep / frequent nightmares.
  • A drop in school performance.
  • Not wanting to go to school.
  • Sudden loss of friends.
  • Avoidance of social situations.
  • Low self-esteem.
  • Self-destructive behaviors including self-harm, running away, or talking about suicide.

 

Dr. Nelson explains why some kids become bullies and others can become targets of bullying. He can share how parents can talk with their children to uncover and heal the emotional trauma of bullying, as well as other steps and when to take them.

“Many kids who are victimized by bullying don’t ask for help because they are afraid of being seen as weak or a tattletale, or fear backlash from the bully or rejection by friends,” Dr. Nelson says. “As a result, parents are often the last ones to know.”

“Take necessary action with the school and/or the bullies’ parents to assure the child’s safety,” Dr. Nelson says. “Help the child to know that he or she is valued and that it is safe to communicate with you as a parent or a counselor.”

About Dr. Bradley Nelson:

A holistic Chiropractic Physician and Medical Intuitive, Dr. Bradley Nelson is one of the world’s foremost experts in the emerging fields of Bioenergetic Medicine and Energy Psychology. He has certified thousands of practitioners worldwide in helping people overcome unresolved anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and other negative emotions and their associated physical symptoms. His bestselling book, “The Emotion Code,” provides step-by-step instructions for working with the body’s healing power. Download a free copy of the ebook and the audiobook by visiting www.EmotionCodeGift.com.

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It’s OK That You’re Not OK

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Some high profile suicides in the news these last few years. They had seemingly perfect lives. So why were they depressed? Why didn’t their family and friends know or save them?

I cried when I learned that Robin Williams had died. He was a comedian, but apparently the clown hid tears behind the smile.

Several musicians have died recently, combined with struggles from addictions.

Kate Spade was 55 years old and found in her New York apartment. Her 13-year-old daughter was at school, and officials said a note was found at the scene, telling her it was not her fault.

“Mental health issues do not discriminate. By all accounts, Kate Spade “had it all”-money, success, fame. None of these things matter when you are sick. Kate was not selfish. Kate was not weak. Kate was sick.” ~Twitter.

Then I wake up to news that Anthony Bourdain allegedly committed suicide in France. He was 61.

His mother, Gladys Bourdain, who was a longtime editor at The New York Times, said she had no indication that Mr. Bourdain might have been thinking of suicide. “He is absolutely the last person in the world I would have ever dreamed would do something like this,” Ms. Bourdain said.

This hit me hard. I have always loved his shows and personality.

“Travel isn’t always pretty. It isn’t always comfortable. Sometimes it hurts, it even breaks your heart. But that’s okay. The journey changes you; it should change you… You take something with you. Hopefully, you leave something good behind.” ~Anthony Bourdain

But the media and most of us move on. How much does it really affect us?

Anyone can suffer from mental illness, depression…and contemplate or succeed with committing suicide.

If you’re struggling, please reach out. Mental illness is treatable, help is available, and suicide is preventable. You don’t need to suffer in silence. Reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting “BRAVE” to 741-741 for free crisis support or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

These guidelines for reporting on suicide can save lives.

As author of the newly published book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine says that while the conversation around Spade’s death may focus on how people need access to good healthcare/resources in order to prevent suicide, people like Ms. Spade, Robin Williams, and many others have LOTS of resources at their disposal. Access is important, says Devine, but the stigma attached to asking for help is the actual barrier.

Suicide rates in the U.S. increased for everyone between the ages of 10 and 74 from 1999 to 2014, according to the CDC.

It’s OK That You’re Not OK

It’s ok that you’re not ok.

So many are affected by depression. Some experience depressive episodes periodically, while others suffer from some form of depression all the time. Even when symptoms seem to alleviate for a while, it always lurks in the background.

Weather, illness, chronic pain, loneliness, conflict, and more make depression symptoms worse.

Common stressors are much harder to bounce back from, and cause extra anxiety and worry.

Medication can help, but there are often side effects to consider. Therapy is expensive and often just offers platitudes and weak advice without really helping.

There’s still so much stigma around depression and suicide, including:

“The “cheer up, it’s not that bad” cult of positivity, that pervasive pathologizing of sadness, that eternal advice culture that says it’s your fault if anything is wrong.

Just pray more. I really loathe the whole idea that Christians can’t be depressed. That’s a dangerous attitude.

Life is hard sometimes. Life hurts. When we can’t come to that with respect and kindness – when we can’t respond to that in ourselves and in each other – with respect and kindness, people go silent, and silence can kill you.

Military families suffer in silence. No one wants to be labeled with a mental illness. It can affect careers.

Stress and anxiety in a world of curated perfection on social media makes us strive to reach for something unattainable. It’s not real.

The holidays are especially difficult for people suffering from depression. We feel lost and alone. Stress and perfectionism make us feel worse. The expectations are too much.

Seasonal depression symptoms increase when daylight savings time ends. It really sucks when it gets dark at 5:30 and it’s too cold to go outside.

We need help. We need connection. We need relationship.

Reach out. Bother us. Ask how we’re managing. Invite us anyway. Listen. Just sit there with me. Call, text, email, message.

It’s ok that you’re not ok.


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Blue Christmas

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I led a Blue Christmas service on Winter Solstice at my church last year.

Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

The Longest Night Service or Blue Christmas is held on the Winter Solstice to temper the struggle with darkness and grief faced by those living with loss, separation, or illness. The service coincides with the traditional feast day for Saint Thomas the Apostle.

Jesus said, “Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

And so we invite each other to this time of peaceful worship.  Flee for a while from your tasks.  Hide yourself for a little space from the turmoil of your thoughts.  Come, cast aside your burdensome cares and put aside your laborious pursuits.  Give your time to God, and rest in God for a little while.

Much of the liturgy I borrowed from a pdf I found online from Palo Cristi Presbyterian Church. I already have ideas for next year!

It was a calm, quiet, casual service. No standing, no greeting. No wishing anyone “Merry Christmas.”

The lights were dim.

About 25 people worshiped together on the longest night of the year.

Our pastor welcomed everyone.

Her husband played guitar.

Our music director played piano.

My middle daughters were acolytes and lit the altar candles.

I began with a poem, First Coming by Madeleine L’Engle. 

He did not wait till the world was ready,
till men and nations were at peace.
He came when the Heavens were unsteady,
and prisoners cried out for release.

He did not wait for the perfect time.
He came when the need was deep and great.
He dined with sinners in all their grime,
turned water into wine. He did not wait

till hearts were pure. In joy he came
to a tarnished world of sin and doubt.
To a world like ours, of anguished shame
he came, and his Light would not go out.

He came to a world which did not mesh,
to heal its tangles, shield its scorn.
In the mystery of the Word made Flesh
the Maker of the stars was born.

We cannot wait till the world is sane
to raise our songs with joyful voice,
for to share our grief, to touch our pain,
He came with Love: Rejoice! Rejoice!

HYMN: It Came Upon a Midnight Clear 

CLAIMING A PLACE OF SAFETY

One:  This night is ours.

All:  Here we find refuge from bright lights, holiday songs, celebrations, and the expectations of everyone around us.

One:  In this safe place, we can admit our pain, our loss, our fears, and no one will judge us.

All:  No one will tell us to be happy or merry.  No one will think less of us because we cannot celebrate this season.   Above all, no one will find our tears inconvenient or inappropriate.

One:  Here, we can pour our hearts out honestly and claim our own kind of meaning from this season.

All:  Here, we are welcome even if we’re cynical, even if we’re angry, even if we scoff at the mention of hope and meaning.

One:  Tonight, we can be where we are.  We do not need to hide or pretend or feel guilty, even if our grief, our pain, our anger seems ugly to the world.

All:  We can release our need to please others and be ourselves.

One:  Let us be at peace.

All:  We are safe here.  We are accepted here.  There are no demands. 

One:  Let us be sanctuary for one another.

All:  We say to each other: Lay your burdens here.  Cast your sorrows into the circle of light.  Bask in the warmth that is life.

One:  We say to each other: There is more to life than pain.  There is more to life than sorrow.  Wait for it. Watch for it. Welcome it.

This evening we confess that we are profoundly in need of God’s mercy, so let us sing “Kyrie Eleison,” the Greek words meaning “Lord, have mercy.”

SUNG CONFESSION: Kyrie Eleison

RESPONSIVE PRAYER

One:  Signs of celebration surround us.

All:  What can we celebrate?

One:  Here.  Now.  We can only celebrate and embrace this moment.  This breath.  Even if it hurts.

All:  There is breath.  There is life.  Each new moment we breathe this air, there is hope of unexpected comfort, joy, and love.

One:  We are precious.  Every breath we take is significant and a victory.  Our being and Our lives are the greatest and most irreplaceable treasure.

All:  Even when life is filled with pain, it is a miracle worthy of awe and reverence.

One:  There is a miracle to celebrate on this dark and quiet night.  It is within us.

All:  Our eyes see the stars of the night sky.  Our lips form words of comfort and truth.  Our feet carry us where we bid them.  Our backs bear our burdens until we can put them down.   Each courageous act is a triumph.

One:  We are privileged to live out our lives surrounded by everyday wonders:

All:  Trees and their dappled shade, birds and their varied songs, blue skies and changing clouds;

One:  Thunderstorms and sea breezes, mugs of hot coffee or tea, music, afternoon naps,

All:  hot baths and hot showers, good-smelling soaps,

One:  the Milky Way, and warm smiles from strangers,

All:  And every day the pale creeping dawn signals new beginning.  Each day the commonplace is miraculous.

One:  We are not alone.  Isolation is a myth and a lie.

All:  There are thousands of people, hundreds of thousands of people, who tonight are one with us in our questions and doubts. 

One:  Some are in this room.  Some we cannot see or touch.  But the human bond is there nonetheless.

All:  Hundreds of thousands of people whose simple existence makes each of us stronger,

One:  A human community where we can comfort and serve each other.

All:  Even in the face of sorrow we can find sources of hope and reasons to rejoice we can share that hope and that joy with each other. 

One:  We can put our arms around each other in unity and understanding.

All:  We are not alone. 

GATHERING HYMN: Wait for the Lord by Taizé

SCRIPTURE READINGS

Two of our church leaders and my teen daughter read these.

Luke 14:15-24: This story offers hope for those who have no one to invite them. It reminds us that in God’s divine order, no one is excluded-all are invited.

Matthew 11:28-29: When burdens get piled on top of other burdens, the load can crush us. In his promise, Jesus offers us help to carry our burdens and responsibilities.

Revelation 7:15-17: Our present world is not how God wants things to be. Those who weep now will not weep later. In this new heaven and new earth, there will be no more need for tears.

HYMN: O Come, Emmanuel #123

CANDLELIGHTING

My four children did this part so beautifully.

We light four candles tonight. We light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, and one for our love.

Reader 1: This candle represents our grief. We own the pain of losing loved ones, of dreams that go unfulfilled, of hopes that evaporate in despair.

Reader 2: This candle represents our courage. It symbolizes the courage to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to share our feelings honestly and openly with each other, and to dare to hope in the midst of pain.

Reader 3: This candle represents our memories. For the times we laughed together, cried together, were angry with each other or overjoyed with each other. We light this candle for the memories of caring and joy we shared together.

Reader 4: This candle represents our love. The love we have given, and the love we have received. The love that has gone unacknowledged and unfelt, and the love that has been shared in times of joy and sorrow.

Leader: You are now invited to come forward to light one of the tealight candles which represents your burdens, griefs, sorrows, all those things that make Christmas a “blue” time for you.

Leader: We now light the Christ candle, remembering that Jesus Christ is always in the center of our lives. He hears our cries, he knows our hearts and, in the midst of all our thoughts and emotions, he offers us hope and healing.

PRAYER

Comforting God, wrap us in your presence in this time of remembrance.

With these candles, help us find your light, a light that will guide us day by day, step by step, as we try to live life fully and whole.

We cherish the special ways in which we have been touched by our loved ones.

We thank you for the gift their lives have been to us. Now comfort us, encourage us, and empower us. AMEN.

HYMN: In the Bleak Midwinter

HOMILY by Jennifer Lambert

I am a failure.

I’ve failed at so many things.

I’ve failed at school, at work, as a friend, as a wife, as a mom, in my community, as a Christian.

I imagine most people can relate to failing at some point.

During the holidays, many of us feel like a failure.

All the lights, music, decorations, events, celebrations are overwhelming.

It can make one’s mouth hurt to constantly speak with such forced merriment.

I don’t have Pinterest-worthy decorations. I get overwhelmed making homemade meals and treats all season-long. I can’t buy all the gifts for all the people on my list. It’s a comparison trap, looking over my shoulder, on social media at what others are doing, making, buying that seem better, more meaningful, more memorable.

I need more time, more energy, more money.

Or I do I need to just change my expectations?

Most failure is because of failed expectations.

Mary was a failure.

Mary was pregnant before her wedding to Joseph. In any time period, that is scandalous.

Her pregnancy was unexpected. She was an unexpected bride. She lived an unexpected life.

Did Mary feel like a failure as a wife?

She delivered her firstborn son in a stable. Suddenly, unexpectedly. Was she scared? Was she disappointed at those conditions?

She later witnessed her firstborn son ridiculed, beaten, crucified, dead, buried.

Did Mary feel like a failure as a mother?

Joseph was a failure.

Joseph wanted to quietly divorce Mary when he found out she was already pregnant and he knew he wasn’t the father. Joseph followed through after the angel commanded him to take Mary as his bride anyway.

Joseph traveled to Bethlehem with a very pregnant Mary for the census. He couldn’t find a room for her to stay in, much less to give birth in.

How uncomfortable must that journey have been? I’ve had 4 traumatic birth experiences, but in a stable?

Did Joseph panic?

Did Joseph feel ashamed?

He knowingly entered into a blended family.

Did Joseph feel like a failure as a husband and stepfather?

Jesus was a failure.

Born in a stable.

Exiled to Egypt.

Living in obscurity as a carpenter.

Rising as an unexpected leader.

Nathanael claimed: “Nothing good can come out of Nazareth.”

Jesus was supposed to rescue the Jews from the Romans. He wasn’t the king they were expecting.

The Jews rejected Jesus as the Messiah. Even though He fulfilled prophecy, Jesus’ radical teachings and ways were unexpected. He shook the bureaucracy.

Then Jesus was arrested, tortured, crucified, killed, buried.

He rose from the grave, but still they struggled to understand.

Jesus was a failure because He didn’t fulfill human expectations.

And yet He loves us because we know not what we do.

Who has seen the new Star Wars movie? No spoilers, but I love this line:

Failure is our greatest learning.

We can’t avoid failure. But what do we do with it? Do we mope and wallow in the negativity, beating ourselves up, refusing to try again?

We must learn from our failures.

When we are weak, He is strong. In our failure, He is magnified and glorified.

We must realize our potential,

practice peace,

and learn our purpose.

It’s one thing for others to see your potential. It’s quite another for you to understand and see potential in yourself.

We must have courage to fail and have peace with ourselves and others. We must forgive ourselves and others. We must learn to apologize and make amends to heal relationships with others. We have to learn to let go of hurts.

Growth is painful. We must pray to realize our purpose, even if it’s unexpected. We must stop striving to be someone else, listening to those inner voices telling us we’re not good enough. Looking ahead and planning is good, but let’s not lose sight of the blessings and opportunities right in front of us, in this moment.

Being a student is enough. Being a spouse is enough. Being a parent is enough.

You are enough.

Pray with me:

May God bless us with discomfort at half-truths, easy answers, and superficial relationships, so that we will live deeply and from the heart.

May God bless us with righteous anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that we will work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless us with tears to shed for those in pain, so that we will reach out our hands to them and turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with just enough foolishness to believe that we can make a difference in this old world, so that we will do those unexpected things that others say cannot be done.

Jesus Christ is the light of the world, the light no darkness can overcome.

Stay with us, Lord, for it is evening, and the day is almost over.

Let your light scatter the darkness and illumine your people. Amen.

LORICA OF ST. PATRICK

L:  I arise today
C:  Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity
Through belief in the threeness
Through confession of the Oneness
Towards the creator.

L:  I arise today
C:  Through God’s strength to pilot me:
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to guard me,
God’s way to lie before me,
God’s host to secure me.

L:  I arise today
C:  Through the strength of Christ with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension
Through the strength of his descent for the Judgment of doom.

L:  Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
C:  Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
L:  Christ on my right, Christ on my left
C:  Christ where I lie, Christ where I sit, Christ where I arise
L:  Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
C:  Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
L:  Christ in every eye that sees me,
C:  Christ in every ear that hears me.

L: Salvation is of the Lord
C: Salvation is of the Lord
L:  Salvation is of Christ
C:  May thy salvation, O Lord, be ever with us.

HYMN: Silent Night #147

BLESSING

One:  Let us face the trials of a bright season with an inner calm because we know there are deeper meanings.

All:  We have looked into the pool of suffering and we have not lost all hope.  Let that knowledge strengthen us.

One:  When we are overcome with despair, let us be glad of our improbable existence and be content to wait for the next moment and the possibility it brings for unexpected joy.

All:  For a little space of time, we have laid our burdens down.  For a little space of time, we have cast our sorrows into the circle of light.  For as long as we are able, we will bask in the warmth that is life.

One:  These candles will flutter and burn out sending the room into darkness, but our hearts contain a more powerful flame.

All:  In our hearts burns life, complex and difficult, in all its uniqueness and mystery.

One:  We carry hope into the world simply by carrying on, helping others, and living our lives as best we can.

All:  Even on the darkest nights when all we can do is curl up and weep, the ember of life is in us, burning intensely.

One:  That radiance is more brilliant than any holiday decoration; it is more enduring than any loss; it is a flame worth protecting, worth fighting for.

All:  Let us nurture that warmth and life in us. 

One:  Let us go into a cold winter night and warm its air even slightly with our breath as we go.  Let us pass from this safe place, knowing that we carry sanctuary in us. 

All:  In the coolness of the night, we will walk in peace.  In the quiet of the starlight, we will walk with hope.  In the company of all life, we will do our best to love.

One:  Go forth!  Breathe in the crisp air, feel your feet upon the earth, know you are in good company.  Nurture the ember that glows inside you, for it is robust and will give you strength.

All:  So be it.  So we will go.

Do you struggle during the holidays?


Linking up: Trekking Thru, Holiday Journey, Darling Down Diaries, LouLou Girls, Mrs AOK, Holley Gerth, Create with Joy, Blessed but Stressed, Marilyn’s Treats, Journeys in Grace, Jaime Wiebel, Jennifer Dukes Lee, Breakthrough Homeschooling, Purposeful Faith, Timeless Mama, Brenda Bradford Dottinger, Gingersnap Crafts, Raven Would. My Learning Table, Katherine’s Corner, Mommynificent, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Susan Mead, Nancy on the Homefront, The Charm of Home, Coffee With Us3, The Answer is Chocolate, Create with Joy, Momfessionals, The Blended Blog, Arabah Joy, The Quiet Homemaker, Lyli Dunbar,

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