Red Flags

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June 1, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

It’s important for me to teach my kids about red flags in relationships.

I didn’t have anyone guide me in healthy relationships when I was a teen or young adult and I found myself in toxic patterns.

We seldom see the red flags while we’re walking past them or living with them.

We want to ignore the red flags. We’ve been taught to only see the best in people. We’ve been taught to be polite and compliant.

I realize there were so many red flags in my previous relationships that I should’ve seen, that maybe my parents and friends should’ve said, “Hey! This isn’t ok!” but they didn’t. Even when I knew I wasn’t healthy enough to protect myself and relied on them for help. They didn’t vet my relationships well. They didn’t see it either or didn’t care.

I was deceived about so many things. I had no power to discern the truth.

I was so naive. I was so gullible.

Big Red Flags

Communication

He made fun of me, belittling me, humiliating, shaming. I took it because he was “older and wiser” and I just thought I surely must really be dumb.

He was often distant. He monopolized conversation. It was always about him. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t want to know what I did at work that day. He only wanted to talk about himself.

As an introvert, I’m a great listener. This wasn’t a red flag at all for me. I loved learning about his past and hearing the stories that were important to him.

But I failed to realize that I wasn’t important to him.

Trust

I want to be trusting. I want to believe the best. I’m still devastated that people will lie and deceive.

Years later, I’m still realizing how he lied to me and about the stupidest things. Things that shouldn’t have really mattered.

He lied about dealing drugs. He lied about stopping the dealing. The gallon bag in the hall closet was not full of catnip.

He left me at a party with his friends. I wasn’t that comfortable with his friends. I didn’t know what to say or do around them. I had to wait hours to get a ride home.

After the separation and divorce, he lied about my daughter. I was a puddle of emotions every weekend she visited him. I wondered who she stayed with, what she ate, where she slept. I asked why she returned with infected bug bites all over her legs and the worst diaper rash anyone had ever seen in history of diaper rashes. He had no good answers. She stayed with his father, his niece, his girlfriend. He had to work and he wasn’t that involved or interested.

And I just recently found out (eighteen years later!) he plotted to start a custody battle. But he never paid the child support or the credit card that the court mandated.

His narrative to his family and friends about the divorce are vastly different than the truth.

Abuse

He was addicted to porn. He made fun of me. He didn’t like my lack of experience. He said no one had every criticized him in bed. He didn’t like the way I looked. He didn’t like where I had hair. He wanted me to look fake and plastic like the porn models.

So many red flags before he ever hit me.

Then I really believed I deserved that first time. I calmly patched the hole in the wall of our rental house and fixed the windowpane.

The second time he hit me, I left. I didn’t want my daughter witnessing that.

He was furious with me for being so hands off while our daughter toddled around, learning to walk. She stumbled and bumped her head on the coffee table and he lost it.

Earlier that day, he had been talking about wanting another baby. I was barely hanging on financially. We had just bought a house near his parents. I was commuting to work about an hour each way. He made about $10/hour, developing photo film.

His family is Pentecostal evangelical. This was the first taste of any real religion or church I had. It all but broke me. They didn’t like questions. They didn’t like women being intelligent or leaders. It was hard and I tried to conform to what they wanted. I thought it must be right and good. I never could live up to their standards. We got married because his church said it was sin to live together.

I don’t even remember what my wedding ring looked like. I do remember picking out one together at a shop, but he lapsed on the layaway, so I didn’t get that one. He wore a borrowed, too big suit to our small wedding in their warehouse church. The “reception” was at his parents’ house. I remember cubing cheese in the kitchen and there wasn’t enough food to go around. My father didn’t go at all. My mother attended the wedding and went home. There was only one night in a local hotel I was comped as a kickback from work. Nothing was idyllic. Nothing was looked back on as charming. It was sad and devastating and embarrassing.

I can’t remember him ever giving me gifts. I remember maxing out the Best Buy credit card for electronics for him. I remember explaining and then arguing that the bank card was attached to our joint account and if he blew money on cigarettes and soda, I didn’t have enough for gas to work or monthly bills.

I was criticized by his family for negotiating the purchase of vehicles from his cousin, who worked as a local Chevy salesman. I was encouraged to use that dealer because that’s where his whole family went. I also went to another dealer just to check pricing and loan info. I was able to get a better deal than from his cousin. They accused me of disloyalty to their family. I still find it ironic that they thought it was better to pay more for loyalty.

I should have seen and reacted to the red flags sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20.

It takes a long time, years…to heal from abuse. Trauma reactions continue with my current relationships. I try to recognize where my triggers occur and deal with that so I don’t confuse my husband and children. It’s never about them.

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My Family Goals

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May 25, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 21 Comments

What should our family look like?

I feel like my whole life is a test I didn’t study for.

I was always anxious. I tiptoe on eggshells around my parents. I shouldn’t have to.

I have a rocky relationship with my parents and my husband’s sisters. We have nothing in common. I have different priorities and values.

I’m tired of being apologetic about my choices.

My parents are really well-off financially and have a 3500 sq. ft. house and 3 cars but complain constantly about their money troubles. They sent a few items to two of my four children last Christmas and claim they “do not recall” playing favorites. He sends me daily emails dripping with racism about everything he thinks is wrong with our society.

It’s hard for me to make excuses to my children or protect my parents.

My parents fit every mark on this checklist.

I’ve spent the last twenty years healing and trying to create a healthy respectful family atmosphere for my kids. I had to re-parent myself and work through my trauma and history and grow up.

I want to be gentle, loving, kind, and proactive. I want my kids to grow up to whole and complete. I want them to realize their privilege. I pray they are loved as people and I did enough.

Gentle parenting is “guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding. It’s about listening, understanding, responding, and communicating.”
~LR Knost

I have goals for my family based on what I don’t want. I honestly don’t really know anyone IRL who has a family I want as a role model. I think we’re all trying to do the best we can, but it’s getting harder and harder to be ignorant about being abusive, mean, punitive.

I wish I had been mature and healthy enough many years ago to have firm goals for my own family, but I’ve had to learn by trial and error, making many mistakes and living with many regrets.

My Family Goals

Forgiving.

Parents, children, siblings, and others…should be ready and willing to forgive each other for most minor squabbles.

For everyday things – the bickering that comes with living closely with someone else.

I have always made it a big priority for our family to be active peacemakers.

I have some issues with forgiving, but I’m working on it.

Accepting.

Some things just don’t matter.

Being accepting doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means boundaries and respect.

Differences are good things. Iron sharpens iron.

Introverts and Extroverts can get along.

We respect and accept how we complement each other’s strengths. I have two very compliant kids and two very absent-minded and somewhat defiant kids. We have to talk things through when expectations clash.

There are all kinds of people in this world and we talk about it all day long and at dinnertime.

I am actively teaching anti-racism to my white children. There are no excuses for exclusion.

Motivating.

We should cheer each other on in our endeavors.

Soccer, baseball, gymnastics, academics, job interviews, promotions, awards.

We should be happy for each other. We should encourage each other to try even if it’s scary or hard.

We cry together and laugh together. We help each other through the big emotions.

We help each other through the bad times and lift each other up and over the hills.

Integrity.

Doing the right thing when no one is watching.

It’s easy to do what we’re “supposed to do” when an authority is watching us.

We live in a society of watchers, rule makers, legalistic check markers.

My father always prided himself on having integrity.

He picked and chose where it lied. He would steal office supplies, short change store clerks, poorly tip service staff, and cheat on his taxes. He’s very racist and anti-poor.

It was confusing for me as a kid, but it’s even harder as an adult as I teach my own kids to do the right thing all the time, in all circumstances, with all people.

Apparently, this idea is bizarre to most people, even Christians.

Loving.

Family members should love each other.

Love looks different to everyone.

It’s important to know the love languages of my kids and spouse and actively try to show it in ways they perceive.

Shoulder time with my son and husband. Ice cream dates. Little gifts. Doing the dishes when they need it. Folding and putting away laundry. Going together for errands. Remembering important dates.

Love is forgiveness and healing. Love is duty and unity.

Love is action.

Yielding.

Living as a family often means yielding my will to someone else’s.

It doesn’t mean I am walked all over or invisible or lose my identity. I can never be called submissive.

It means that I feel the other person is more important or as important as myself.

I want my kids to have empathy and sympathy. I have to model that.

It means apologizing for wrongs. It means compromise.

It means knowing my limits and asking for help. It means self-care.

Ideally, everyone in the family should feel that way and it should be give and take and equally offered.

Sometimes the hardest gift we can give our children is the gift of acknowledging and accepting our own imperfections. Angelita Lim wrote, “I saw that you were perfect and I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.” There is deep truth to that. Our children need to see us being human, being real, being our messy beautiful selves so they know that’s it’s okay for them to be human and real and messy and that it’s all beautiful. Besides, aren’t we all a little more lovable when we’re soft and open and oh-so-velveteen-real instead of acting like we’re flawless, mistake-proof, and sharp-edged perfect?
L.R. Knost

It’s up to me what my family looks like, what our values are. I have to model it and guide my husband and kids towards the goal.

Linking up: Mostly Blogging, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Grammys Grid, MaryAndering Creatively, Little Cottage, Kippi at Home, Create with Joy, Mary Geisen, Sallie Borrink, InstaEncouragments, LouLou Girls, Purposeful Faith, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Ridge Haven Homestead, Welcome Heart, Anchored Abode, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, CKK, Life Beyond the Kitchen, OMHG, The Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, Fireman’s Wife, Create with Joy, Being aWordsmith, Marilyns Treats,

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A Mother’s Résumé

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October 28, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 16 Comments

I haven’t worked at a “real job” for at least a dozen years.

It’s frustrating that introductory small talk still focuses on “What do you do?” and is disdainful or even scornful of motherhood as a vocation. People even dare ask or mention that my education was a waste. It’s like my only worth is in a salary or job for pay outside my home.

These microaggressions don’t endear me to people whom I’ve just met. They dismiss me as unimportant because I don’t have a salary and it’s so frustrating.

Motherhood isn’t valued in American culture. Homeschooling is still considered weird.

There’s little purpose to keeping up my LinkedIn profile.

I can’t imagine going back to teach at any school, at any level. I sometimes miss the classroom, but the hassles and negatives don’t outweigh the few positives. I don’t have current state certification and I don’t have any desire to jump through hoops to recertify.

If you hired someone to do the work of maintaining a household, especially if you have children, the cost would be approximately $ 90,000 a year. This is what a “traditional” at-home spouse would get paid today to clean the house, be a personal shopper and personal assistant, run errands, and take care of the children.
Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman, Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams, Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.,

Things You Didn’t Put on Your Résumé

How often you got up in the middle of the night
when one of your children had a bad dream,

and sometimes you woke because you thought
you heard a cry but they were all sleeping,

so you stood in the moonlight just listening
to their breathing, and you didn’t mention

that you were an expert at putting toothpaste
on tiny toothbrushes and bending down to wiggle

the toothbrush ten times on each tooth while
you sang the words to songs from Annie, and

who would suspect that you know the fingerings
to the songs in the first four books of the Suzuki

Violin Method and that you can do the voices
of Pooh and Piglet especially well, though

your absolute favorite thing to read out loud is
Bedtime for Frances and that you picked

up your way of reading it from Glynis Johns,
and it is, now that you think of it, rather impressive

that you read all of Narnia and all of the Ring Trilogy
(and others too many to mention here) to them

before they went to bed and on the way out to
Yellowstone, which is another thing you don’t put

on the résumé: how you took them to the ocean
and the mountains and brought them safely home.

~Joyce Sutphen

As a mother for the past 19 years, I can attest to having quite an impressive work history and specific skill set.

The mental workload of being a mother far outweighs any “job” I’ve ever had.

As a teacher in various school and classroom environments, then as a homeschool educator for the last 15 years, I honed my expertise by focusing on my students’ unique needs.

As a military spouse, I retained my skills and honed a lot of new ones over the last decade and a half.

There are no gaps in my work history. I worked constantly, year-round, daily, overnights, with no vacation days, through sickness and injury, and during two deployments with no assistance or support.

Experience

Director of Child Development

$39,744 average annual salary

Oversee social, academic, and emotional development of students from birth until adulthood
Develop educational programs and standards
Design program plans, oversee daily activities, and prepare budget for activities and curriculum
Support gross and fine motor skills
Maintain instructional excellence

Educational Leadership

$88,390 average annual salary

Knowledge of pedagogy and methodology
Relationship building
Continuing education in field regarding trends, concerns, issues
Global mindset
Plan cross-curricular lessons for various ages, abilities, interests
Conflict resolution
Extensive library
Use of technology
Personalize feedback on student assignments
Advise students regarding academic courses and career opportunities
Encourage students to present their views and participate in discussion
Share personal experiences and values
Record keeping

Project Management

$134,182 average annual salary

Initiating, planning, executing, controlling, and closing the work of a team to achieve specific goals and meet specific success criteria at the specified time.
Establish expectations
Be proactive
Organization
Risk management
Delegation
Teamwork
Growth Mindset

Life Coach

$46,678 average annual salary

Discuss needs and goals
Develop strategies and plans
Keep records of progress
Evaluation
Adjust goal strategies as needed
Assist manage stress and increase productivity
Excellent listening and questioning skills
Confidence to challenge in a caring way
Support goal-setting, personal growth, and behavior modification

Domestic Engineer

$59,496 average annual salary

Oversee operations of all systems and procedures
Budget for and allocated appropriate expenditures
Delegate operational tasks to promote equal labor division
Maintain cleanliness and sanitation of all work, play, and living areas
Food purchasing, preparation, and storage
Multi-tasking
Home economics
Laundry expertise
Basic mending ability by hand and sewing machine
Organization and efficiency

Religious Advisor

$58,130 average annual salary

Education about religion and faith through various books, activities, social justice, music, tradition, travel
Evolve faith through experience and learning
Help understand spirituality to promote peace, healing, and union with God and others
sensitivity, empathy, and understanding
Ensure proper growth and relational development
Spiritual counsel and advice
Meet their spiritual, emotional, and relational goals
Meditation and contemplation

Protocol Officer

$71,135 average annual salary

Research traditions and customs
Distinguish between time-honored tradition and mindless repetition
Knowledge of preferences and customs of each person
Prioritize welcome and respect
Educate daily on etiquette and customs for various situations
Minimize or eliminate any opportunity for embarrassment or offense
Establish and enforce consistency using logic
Develop itineraries and agendas
Identify security risks and create safety plans

Travel and Event Planner

$41,873 average annual salary

Research, suggest, and decide where to go, methods of transportation, car rentals, hotel accommodations, tours, and attractions
Advise about weather conditions, local customs, attractions, necessary documents, and currency exchange rates
Visualization
Organization and planning
Plan and execute ceremonies and special events

Budget Analyst

$71,590 average annual salary

Manage family finances, analyze and prepare monthly expenditures
Estimate future financial needs
Research of domestic economic and spending trends
Develop projections based on past economic and spending trends
Technical analysis, monitoring spending for deviations, and preparing monthly and annual reports
Analyze investments and their market performance
Education about financial terms, issues, trends, economic history

Historian

$55,800 average annual salary

Organize data, and analyze and interpret its authenticity and relative significance
Gather historical data from sources such as archives, court records, diaries, news files, and photographs, as well as collect data sources such as books, pamphlets, and periodicals
Thorough investigative and research skills
Analyze and interpret information
Interest in human behaviour, culture and society
Enquiring mind

Personal Stylist

$50,346 average annual salary

Attention to detail
Analytical mind
Problem-solving ability
Knowledge of fabrics, colors, seasonal items, accessories, etiquette
Knowledge brands, designs, trends

Personal Chef

$62,282 average annual salary

Customize unique meal and snack plans
Skilled at recognizing flavors and judging the balance of seasonings
Knowledge of kitchen tools and appliances and their uses
Procure and organize various recipes
Shop for all groceries within budget
Prepare the meal in a timely manner
Clean up the kitchen to excellent standards
Store leftovers promptly

Chauffeur

$22,440 average annual salary

Transport people to various activities in a safe and timely manner
Stock vehicles with amenities
Keep vehicles shiny and clean
Vehicle maintenance and repair

Waste Management

$64,000 average annual salary

Plan, implement, and coordinate comprehensive waste systems designed to maximize waste prevention, reuse, and recycling opportunities.
Evaluate the success of plans and make changes as necessary.
Minimize the impact of waste to protect the environment.

Plumber

$50,620 average annual salary

Unclog sink drains and pipes as needed
Replace salt in home water softener
Humidify and/or dehumidify the air in home
Repair water supply lines, waste disposal systems, and related appliances and fixtures

Special Skills

Good at untying knots
Feeding picky children and spouse
Finder of lost things
Making shoddy rental houses comfy and homey
Empath
Introvert
Comforter
Creativity
Innovation
Initiative
Time management
Stress management
Interpersonal relationships
Excellent verbal and written communication

Research

I can research anything. I enjoy researching. I loved researching literary, psychological, and educational analyses in university – and all the details of citing the sources properly. I can find anything on Google. Over time, I just have learned the best keywords for a search. I can find the best whatever we’re looking for in minutes, before we move to a new base or city. I research what we’re learning about in our homeschool and design my own curriculum.

Frugal

We have learned to thrive with one income. We’ve learned to survive with one vehicle. I’ve worked with very tight budgets as we’ve raised and homeschooled four kids all over. We focus on eating well and traveling and living life to the fullest. We’re investing for the future with 529s, IRAs, mutual funds, life insurance, and retirement plans. We’re paying down debt.

Multitasking

I can do it all and do it well. When life gets hectic, I’m in charge to streamline everything. I have a great memory and seldom get sidetracked for long.

Adaptable

Things change. We’ve received written orders that have changed last minute. We had to cancel plans to travel on vacation in order to PCS. We’ve had extensions fall through. We’ve experienced deployments. I have to stay flexible. I have to be strong for my kids.

Critical Thinking

I don’t want my kids just to regurgitate information and blindly obey. I want them to know right from wrong and question everything – me, tradition, reality, authority – why? why? WHY?

Observation, analysis, interpretation, reflection, evaluation, inference, explanation, problem solving, and decision making

Understand the logical connections between ideas.
Determine the importance and relevance of arguments and ideas.
Recognise, build, and appraise arguments.
Identify inconsistencies and errors in reasoning.
Approach problems in a consistent and systematic way.
Reflect on the justification of their own assumptions, beliefs, and values.

Education

M.Ed. secondary English education, gifted endorsement

B.A. English literature with minor in psychology, cum laude

Summary

As a military spouse, I have some unique skills.

I may have developed these abilities anyway.

But my life is very different than it could have been because I married an Air Force officer, my dad retired from the Army Reserves, and both my parents worked as GS employees since forever.

Being a military spouse can be like having a full-time job. Much of the expertise I’ve developed over the years are highly transferable and marketable in the workforce.

All in different seasons and different bases, I have worked outside the house, stayed at home, worked from home, and considered going back to school. I have a master’s degree in education, so that’s essentially an expensive piece of paper at this point since I don’t want to go back to teach in a school.

Every day, I develop and further solidify impressive marketable life experience just by supporting my active duty husband, being a stay-at-home mom, and homeschooling my kids.

I may not have an impressive résumé or curriculum vitae, but I know what my abilities are.

My worth is not only in what I do. My value is not in the income I bring or don’t bring into our household. As a wife, mother, and homeschooler, I have intrinsic value in the efficiency of my household management.

The TRUTH about the military spouse job search.

There’s little to no personal fulfillment.

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Reintegration

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February 25, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

First of all, I really loathe the word “reintegration” for after deployment, returning to routine, family, normal life. The only instance I could find for the use of the word outside the military world is in rehab.

I guess it could feel a little as if a loved one left either way.

Of course, the first few days, even weeks, back from a deployment can be stressful and difficult for a married couple and for a parent and children.

Deployment is really hard on children and marriages. We have to put forth extra effort for long distance relationships.

Holidays have to be extra special to make up for the missing family member.

As homeschoolers, we keep on doing our thing, but sometimes, we take breaks when we become sad and miss Dad or just need mental health days or to go do something somewhere that’s not home with all its memories.

Successful Reintegration for Families:

Preparation
Expectations
Communication
Schedule
Adjustment

It helps to take a few days or even weeks during the countdown to homecoming to get the family ready!

Preparation

I’ve spent many months on my own, doing things my way.

Organized, efficient, routine.

I’m an introvert and I’m pretty strong on my own.

I know I need to prepare myself and the kids for a new arrival after so much time alone.

We’ve been doing things without him for so long that he will feel almost like a stranger in his own home.

We need to have conversations and list pros and cons to our lifestyles and how we don’t want to irritate Dad when he returns home and adjusts to living with family members who have grown so much he doesn’t even know now.

We may have to adjust schedules and have earlier quiet time since Dad goes to bed earlier to get up to go to the gym and then work. No more late night dance parties on a Tuesday or snacks loudly prepared in the kitchen after bedtime.

We’ll have a family meeting to discuss how things were, how things are, and how things could and should be upon his return.

It’s a lot more work and effort than just showing off the new sofas and bathroom rugs, discussing how much taller the kids are, asking for help putting together the robot Christmas present.

We can’t and don’t want to just go back to the way things were before.

Expectations

I hate the airport reunion.

I hate the waiting for the plane with anxious kids. I hate the witnesses, judging our affection. Is it right? Enough? Too much?

I hate standing aside in baggage claim while his commander and coworkers fawn over him and everyone ignores us.

We fake smiles and attempt to make small talk with people who don’t even know us as anything other than an issued accessory.

We get through it somehow and sit awkwardly for the car ride home from the airport.

The anticipation for the first few hours home seem bursting with embarrassment as there’s not much really to look forward to anymore.

There will be lots of unpacking, laundry, jet lag.

There’s no possible way he can catch up on months that he missed.

We’ll go through photos and by bits and pieces, he can develop memories of this time.

I got a scrapbook album last time he deployed and I think those are a great idea.

It’s confusing and maybe scary for young kids to welcome home a parent who seems so different from when he left, from their fond memory of him.

He’ll smell different. The cats and kids will surely notice. Months of eating poor quality food and being in the desert changes his familiar scent.

He may look different. His eyes might be shadowed with anything he may have seen over there. Months of loneliness without anything soft or caring takes its toll.

He may talk differently. He’s used to barking orders or talking to other service members. He’s almost forgotten what it’s like to speak in a tone appropriate for wife and kids.

Loud, sudden noises may be startling after months of listening to warfare.

It’s an adjustment for all of us to get used to each other again.

Communication

I need to communicate the changes that have occurred so he is up to speed and doesn’t feel too left out.

The kids and I have evolved and changed as a family, without him.

We have just grown. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.

There is bound to be some friction when he doesn’t realize we’re not the same as we were last year when he left.

The transition he will go through will be hard with the kids’ confusion and struggle for us all to be respectful of his loss.

He will have to make a big effort to catch up on all he can so he can feel a part of our family again.

Everyone will have to be patient and understanding.

I will do what I can to gently remind him of favorites and preferences – dishes, colors, seating arrangements, the one child who dislikes black pepper on her scrambled eggs.

And also gentle reminders for all of us to speak kindly, carefully, and softly.

Schedule

I’ve gone to bed whenever I’ve wanted, reading or watching shows, alone.

My schedule has revolved around the kids and our natural rhythms.

We will have to discover new rhythms, to include him in our lives again.

The kids will either want to overwhelm him by making up for all the lost time or ignore him completely because they learned to cope without him.

It will be very awkward at first, and maybe for a good long while as our schedules adjust.

Dinnertime will be different. I have to remember to make enough food, consider his preferences, and have it at an appropriate time for his schedule too.

The bed will suddenly get so much smaller, with two cats, my son who falls asleep as I read to him, and then – suddenly after a long absence – my husband. The cats are gonna be so mad. I’ll have to stay on my side again.

Adjustment

After the initial excitement of his return wears off, we have to make constant adjustments over the next few weeks.

We’ll get irritated with each other.

We can assume we’re just going to fall back into old patterns but that might not be best or desired. We may have forgotten each other’s bad habits during that rosy “heart grows fonder while he’s away” thing.

I’ll learn to rely on him again. I’ll ask him to take out the trash. I’ll expect him to help with the dishes and put his clothes in the laundry. I’ll want him to take the kids to events or accompany me.

We’ll try to slowly introduce him to our lives and interests. He will probably be exhausted from all the new information.

We need to take time to realize and decide who we want to be as a couple and family. We don’t necessarily want to fall into old patterns.

After a few weeks, we predict our lives will have improved due to this deployment as we all grew personally during this time apart.

He gets a little time off work to reintegrate and we all can take that time to get to know one another again.

There are mental health services for returning service members and their families who struggle with reintegration.

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How Deployment Affects Marriage

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November 12, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

Deployments are stressful for married couples.

Of course being separated – for many months or a year – can create stress on a marriage.

Deployment exacerbates any issues already existing in the relationship.

I’m independent and capable and efficient. Being a single mom for seven months isn’t that much of a hardship for me. I make most of the household decisions anyway. Some people gave me side eye when they learned about the deployment and I wasn’t sufficiently devastated as they expected me to be. I take things as they come.

I know some spouses who can’t even go to the store alone, much less successfully navigate a deployment without loads of daily help from friends and family. But, to each her own, I guess.

We actually made this deployment decision together, to strengthen our marriage, and help his career.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

It takes lots of extra work to make marriage work in the military, and especially during long separations.

How to maintain a successful marriage during deployment:

Communication

We live in an era of easy communication. The Internet makes the impossible possible. Thousands of miles and oceans apart, and we can see each other face to face and chat daily. My grandma didn’t have that luxury, only seeing my grandpa on shore duty after months at sea, raising their two boys alone.

I’m not into small talk but I have to make myself available and chatty even when I don’t feel like it. I’m an extreme introvert.

He doesn’t care about care packages. He doesn’t want much. He asks for K Cups and garlic salt. So exciting. Also, some deployment locations limit items such as pork products or comic books, and it just stresses me out that he might get in trouble if I don’t read the ingredients on a jerky packet closely enough. I’m not going to waste time, effort, and money sending things he doesn’t want or need and that he’ll just give away to others.

He’s not much of a reader. I would love to read a book together and discuss it. But he’s not into that. I do often send him screenshots of my eBooks with highlighted text.

We don’t really watch the same shows much either. We sometimes recommend movies or shows to each other, but we don’t watch anything together regularly.

He likes sugarcoating and I’m very blunt. Texts and emails seem worse without any tone or facial expressions to lighten them. We can’t really afford to get offended.

I don’t want to come at him with only problems and bad news. I have to temper everything. But it seems that everything that can will go wrong during a deployment.

We have to make more of an effort to communicate well since we’re apart for a long time.

I’m often melancholy when I can’t share events, milestones, or something special with him.

I miss you in waves and tonight I’m drowning.

Finances

I’m using this opportunity of 7+ months of separation pay to pay off the credit card and not acquire any more debt.

I’m not a shopper anyway, so it’s easy for me to be frugal.

The kids and I keep busy and don’t fall into retail therapy to make ourselves feel better. We shop for needs and a few wants and items for the holidays.

I seem to save lots of money on utilities, household expenses, and by staying home, making it easier to pay off the debt. So much less laundry!

Temptation

I suppose temptation might be an area for many marriages to worry about.

I’m not very social and I’m very private. We’re loyal. We’re committed. It’s not really an issue.

Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely.

I rarely talk to people, and certainly not men. I’m not around men. I’m not around anyone, really. We don’t go to church anymore. There aren’t any stay at home, homeschooling dads in my circles for me to be concerned. I don’t even chat online with anyone except my family members.

I’m not one to be easily tempted and I would recognize the potential danger and immediately extricate myself because I want to maintain integrity. Trust is important.

It might be harder for some people in different circumstances. It might be difficult for lonely and bored deployed members seeing certain others day in and day out, in close quarters. Maintaining professional distance is important. Don’t confuse being nice with flirting.

I don’t believe in a deployment sex pact or “what happens in deployment, stays in deployment.” That’s not healthy.

I’m not sure what some spouses are up against, but guarding hearts and minds and removing oneself from dangerous situations is imperative.

I’ve read about too many marriages breaking up after deployments due to affairs and it’s very heartbreaking.

It’s very depressing at most deployment locations. It’s all neutral colors, poor weather and food, little entertainment or activity. He misses us. He misses affection.

It’s hard for us too.

Self Improvement

During the first deployment, he completed a training course that he needed to make the next rank. That was convenient and easy for us.

He goes to the gym a lot. There’s not much else for him to do.

I read a lot. Like, a whole lot. And there are no interruptions for me now!

I’m constantly improving myself. I collect knowledge.

It’s easy for me to use these months alone to read more, watch more uplifting shows, write, research, educate myself, walk in nature, pray, think…and all the things that too often get interrupted on weekends and evenings.

I keep him updated on my progress and what I’m learning so he’s not totally lost and thinks I’m a different person when he returns. That’s a very real consideration. People grow, and can more easily grow apart while separated. It’s a concern I actively counter with communication.

Parenting

As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, this is my job. And now I’m doing it mostly alone for many months.

The kids keep on carrying on while Dad is away. It’s hard when I can’t share their milestones with their father. He’s missing out.

Of course, they rely on me as their mom for almost everything anyway. It takes some pushing and prodding for them to ask Dad for anything even when he’s home, and certainly they learn he’s not available to help much or take the load off me when he’s away.

I remind him to ask them about what they’re learning, reading, doing – to keep communication open and maintain relationship while he’s away. And I have to coax everyone during reintegration.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

With the time change, it’s even harder to connect sometimes with his work schedule. We have to make extra effort.

He trusts me to maintain a peaceful home for these kids – who are living for 8 months without a father, except on FaceTime. I have to make it as special and good as possible.

We’re in this together.

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How To Talk To Your Kids About Divorce

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August 23, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

How To Talk To Your Kids About Divorce: 5 Tips

Divorce can be a traumatic event for every member of the family.

When a marriage ends, it can affect everyone differently, but it may have an especially significant impact on your kids. Some experts believe that divorce can have a lifelong impact on children, and others believe support and understanding is the key to helping them through the crisis.

If you and your spouse are preparing to divorce, there are a few different strategies you can use to talk to your kids in a way that may help them understand.

1. Do Not Wait

If you and your spouse have decided that divorce is the only option, then it is a good idea to discuss it with your children as soon as possible. Putting it off only delays the inevitable, and the sooner they are aware of the situation, the more time they have to ask questions. If possible, schedule a time where you and your spouse can speak to them together, so they understand both their parents are there for them.

2. Be Concise

Cutting back on details about your divorce can be especially helpful when you are dealing with younger kids between the ages of five to eight. Explain briefly what divorce means and how it will change your family. If the child questions why you are splitting, you can simply explain that you and your spouse are no longer happy and that it affects the happiness of the entire family.

It is important to consider the different ages of your kids when discussing divorce. Preteens and teenagers may experience a variety of emotions, from self-blame to anger at you and your spouse. Do all you can to reassure them the divorce is about your relationship with your partner, not them or their siblings, and that your love for them has not changed.

3. Do Not Project Your Feelings

While it is normal for you and your children to be upset when discussing a divorce, remember that this is not the time to vent your feelings of anger, disappointment, and fear or to project them onto your kids. They will no doubt be dealing with some very powerful emotions themselves, so while it may be difficult, try to put aside what you feel, avoid belittling or verbally bashing your spouse, and try to give your children the support they are going to need.

4. Seek Legal Advice Beforehand

Consulting a legal firm that has experience with family law, such as Cordell & Cordell, can provide you with the information you need before you talk to your kids. For example, a knowledgeable lawyer will likely be able to help you work out custody details and offer wise advice so you can answer your kids’ questions with more confidence. This may also help your children feel a bit more at ease.

5. Do Not Make Kids Choose

Putting older kids in the middle of your divorce can make them feel anxious, tense, and angry. If there is a question of custody, it is important that you work it out with your spouse instead of making the children choose who they would rather live with. This can cause them to feel pressured and as if the other parent might not love them anymore because of their choice.

Forcing your kids to make choices about your divorce can cause them great mental stress. Instead, make an effort to consult a local family firm like Cordell & Cordell, which has offices in many states and can help you make the best choices about custody so your kids do not have to.

Divorce can be rough on every member of the family, but none so much as your kids. However, even if it is your only option, honesty and offering loving support can help them endure.

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Putting Dreams on Hold

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January 12, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 25 Comments

Sometimes I struggle to quench my feelings and choke down envy when someone mentions buying an amazing house or follows some other beautiful dream that seems so out of reach for me.

I often look at my 40+ years and wonder what I have accomplished.

Sometimes, it’s hard being transient. It gets so lonely.

We’ve lived in so many houses, apartments, hotels, and rooms over the years that when I wake groggily in the wee hours of the morn to comfort a child or when I hear an odd night noise, I am often disoriented as my mind adjusts to the shape of the room rather than a memory of another room across the years.

We don’t waste time or money on Pinterest projects or lots of yard maintenance or prettifying a rental house. We have become minimalists.

All our memories fit into a few Rubbermaid containers.

We never know when we might leave for someplace new. Too often, we leave again before it even starts to feel like home. Sometimes, we start to feel anxious, ready to move on.

We make the best of it, right?

I’ve lived in a home with no dishwasher and 3 cabinets in the kitchen. The washer and dryer were in the dirt-floor basement. I had to walk outside and around to the backyard to get inside.

I’ve lived in a smelly, ant-traipsing apartment where I had to walk up three flights of stairs.

We’ve lived in noisy duplexes with no privacy and a parking lot across the way.

We’ve spent weeks in temporary housing during PCSes.

We lived on base once, and while convenient, it had its cons also.

We’ve rented houses sight-unseen, only to be disappointed at the online deception. But it was too late.

My parents upgraded to a 3000 sq. ft. house on a corner lot shortly after I moved away. I have no childhood home to return to with its memories. I’ve visited three times in eleven years and it doesn’t even smell quite right there. It’s amazing to me how much space they have for two people who never go anywhere.

We’ve sold and bought more vehicles than I can keep count as our family grew and transportation needs changes. Cars mean little to me other than reliability. My mother loved buying her new Chevrolet Caprice Classic every three years, then moved on into small SUVs. Still not sure why they need three cars at age 75.

We’ve attended more churches than any family ever should have to. We even stopped going for a while. It gets tiresome sometimes, trying to fit into a new place, with its cliques and families and friendships that have existed for decades.

As a military wife, I’ve often put my dreams on hold.

I left my college teaching job. I didn’t get that Ph.D. I haven’t written a book – yet.

But military life really doesn’t feel that hard to me most of the time.

I’m cool with holding down the fort during TDY, deployments, emergencies.

I’ve become a pro with organizing, packing, and unpacking.

I’ve dealt with disappointment and put on a brave face for the sake of my children.

They say home is where the military sends you.

And it’s true.

Home is everywhere.

And nowhere.

Home is where my husband is. Where my children are. Where my cats are.

The kids are beginning to ask if this is our last move. How many more? What next? My son wants to know: where will we be when he’s 10?

My eldest daughter just started college and doesn’t plan to leave Ohio. She’s longing to put down roots. I don’t blame her.

So, sure, I put some dreams on hold.

Or maybe I’ve adapted and grown up.

When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
Pink Floyd

My dreams have changed since I was younger.

I’m no longer that selfish hurting girl who threw tantrums, hid in the closet when I didn’t get my way, or couldn’t handle a full day alone with two kids.

I’m no longer that overwhelmed girl who eats out multiple times a week or prepares quick foods due to a lack of planning.

I’m no longer my mother’s daughter who needs retail therapy to prove my self-worth.

I realize that a beach home might not be in our best interests with hurricanes and flooding. I never imagined living through our basement flooding on Memorial Day in Utah, while my husband was deployed. Really, Utah?

We’ve learned self-reliance since we’ve always lived far from family. It’s still really hard for me to make friends.

We realize how fortunate we have been to see so much of the world. Hawaii, Europe, places in between, and who knows what the future holds?

I’m not interested in recognition in the field of education. I will never go back to get a Ph.D. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am educating my children and I see the fruits of my labors there. Yes, it’s interesting to me that there are two moms on my new street who are finishing up their Ph.D.’s and it only brought a tiny twinge of regret.

I’ve learned to have different priorities.

I want to live debt-free. And not just financial freedom. We pray the Lord’s prayer every Sunday at church, but I want to live it.

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors… Matthew 6:12

I strive for grace, forgiveness, and kindness.

I pray to fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith…

I am resilient, flexible, strong.

I don’t have to put my dreams on hold indefinitely. I can incorporate my dreams into the life I am living – adapting to what is best for this season and our family dynamics.

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Learning to Be Quiet

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June 23, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

I know I’m critical and judgmental. I don’t sugar coat nothing and my husband complains that he can do no right.

During times of stress, it gets worse.

Like on a day when I’ve unpacked the whole house, cooked meals, cleaned the kitchen and floors, bathed the children, and he’s lying on the sofa playing his iPod.

I’m working through this. Breathe in. Breathe out.

It’s gotta be beer thirty or wine o’clock already.

But I try really hard to appear supportive in public.

I don’t want to be that wife. The one who the Army Sergeant Majors cringe about and are embarrassed for the husband.

They confided to my husband: “Our wives criticize us in private. They give us The Look and we know we’re gonna get it when we’re alone. But she berates him in public, in front of everybody and anybody. It’s sad.”

During a shopping on the German economy class, a lady who has lived here for many years informed me that everyone knows who the Americans are when they yell at their kids in public.

So I’ve been observant. Germans gently pull their kids aside (in a store, at the park, wherever) and speak quietly and firmly to their child. German parents are present, close, quiet, calm.

I’m practicing this.

I’m learning to be quiet.

I think being quiet is scarier.

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When He Has a Headache

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June 5, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

So, I’m pretty disgusted with all the books, articles, Bible studies, and blog posts out there encouraging wives to be more available and willing for their husbands.

I’m tired of the church, therapists, bloggers, celebrities, writers, and anyone who perpetuates the myth and societal conditioning that men want sex all the time, anywhere, anyhow, with anyone.

I’ve kinda had it with that.

What if it’s not about a porn addiction? What if the wife has a higher sex drive and isn’t fulfilled? What if everything in the marriage is really pretty great but he’s just not interested in being intimate?

What about when he’s really not interested?

And I don’t mean unable.

We’ve all seen those silly bathtub commercials.

Sometimes, there are lengths of time when he just doesn’t desire intimacy.

What then?

Of course, it’s usually more than a headache. I don’t even try anymore, just to be disappointed.

I have important and fulfilling things to do with my time like read, do dishes, laundry, vacuuming, educating my kids, hiking, bird watching, Netflix, etc.

Communicate.

Of course, try to have a mature conversation about this. It’s a difficult topic and likely embarrassing due to our society and culture programming.

Our society conditions men to be virile and they’re ashamed if their sex drive is low and they don’t feel they can measure up to impossible standards.

Is he avoiding you because you’re a nag or have an ill temper? Then, you need to examine yourself and how you speak to and about your husband. And why.

Stay away from the blame game.

Often, he won’t know why himself and he might defensive and ashamed. Don’t feed those feelings. Try to comfort him and offer support and look for solutions together.

Pray.

Don’t go to your mama, his mama, sisters, friends, or any other male to complain or talk about your sex life.

That’s just opening up all sorts of trouble.

Pray and ask for help.

Pray with your husband if he’s willing. Continue to pray throughout your marriage for everything.

It’s a great habit to pray together and you’ll only experience blessings and peace.

Get tested.

Low testosterone levels in men are more normal than you think.

There are natural treatments to help. Idaho Blue Spruce essential oil is great to help balance and for energy.

A medical physical is always a good place to start to make sure he’s healthy and fit with no underlying medical conditions.

If he’s currently on medication, check the side effects to see if it lowers libido. Then see if he can change to something different without that side effect.

Reduce stress.

Sometimes emotional upheaval is just too much and men shut down.

They’re often not real metacognitive and experience alexithymia and can’t express how stress affects them.

They don’t understand why their bodies react the way they do.

Different schedules often pose problems. If you’re high-fiving each other at the door as one comes home and the other leaves for work, it doesn’t leave much time or energy for much else.

Screens can be distracting, especially in the bedroom. We only have one TV in our house and it’s in the basement. We have one desktop computer in my office. Everyone has an iPad. The adults and teens have smartphones. I like to read at bedtime. My husband watches shows or scrolls social media. This limits our healthy interaction.

Natural whole foods anti-inflammatory diet, regular exercise, sunlight and fresh air are simple ways to help relieve stress when life gets crazy.

Be a good listener and don’t interrupt or offer unsolicited advice.

Stay close.

Perhaps a weekend or overnight mini-vacation is in order. There’s nothing like a change of scenery and no responsibilities – even for a few hours – to help romantic, intimate, sexy feelings.

And if it doesn’t quite work out with heightened stress and expectations, cuddle and just be a couple for a little while.

Also, reduce expectations about what sex is and can be. You don’t have to strip down, have silence and darkness, full vaginal penetration, dual climax, or anything that the books, movies, society claims is good sex. Take it slow and get to know one another again.

Kids, extended family, home, school, jobs take their toll and it’s sometimes nice just to be away to regroup.

Get counseling.

Sometimes, there’s just something more going on and you need a professional to help sort it out.

I have a friend whose husband had this Madonna complex once she became a mother. He couldn’t look at her like a wife or woman anymore. It was sad for them.

There could be underlying psychological issues from his past rearing their heads for various reasons.

Often, military men experience PTSD from their jobs and deployments. This affects them in ways that are difficult to understand.

There is certainly still stigma surrounding counseling and meds, especially in the military. No, he won’t lose his security clearance. It’s not weakness to get help in order to live a full and satisfying life.

People experiencing depression and anxiety often do not desire sex or intimacy – or anything else they used to enjoy.

Perhaps it really comes down to:

Does he see the problem?
Can he communicate about the issues?
Is he willing to get help?
Does he love me enough to find out causes and seek solutions?
Will he put in the time and effort it takes to improve our marriage?

If the answer is no to any of these, then there are other issues that need to be addressed as well.

It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (MSG)

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Losing Control

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March 12, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

So, we saved almost $1500 in a little over a month.

Wanna know how?

By losing control.

We went down to just one vehicle.

My husband started driving our van to work. We put his truck up for sale on the lot on base since we’re moving out of the country and can only ship one vehicle. And the van is paid for, title in hand.

I have kept a budget in an Excel spreadsheet ever since before we were married. I don’t itemize it as closely as a I should. I have a cell for each bill, many on auto-pay (like our investments and insurance), and others (like utilities, Internet, and cell phones) are generally the same amount each month. Then there’s our food/gas/living expenses cell that fluctuates wildly each pay period. I should have monitored that more carefully. The pay-all-cash, envelope system just doesn’t appeal to my husband or me. We just don’t use ATMs and my husband’s paychecks are direct-deposited. Our bank is really just an online entity.

I’ve been rather proud of being frugal this past year. We’d cut down on our spending pretty drastically. We don’t eat out. That helps a lot.

When I noticed we had all this extra money leftover after a couple paydays, I was rather devastated that I must blow that much cash on errands a few times a week – that it would add up to that much in a month of being stuck at home. I asked my husband to verify the budget and he did some math-y formula stuff and looked at the accounts and numbers.

Then I asked if this could have anything to do with my being stuck at home for almost a month while he took the van to work. He’s been picking up the groceries we need. And we’ve been paying cash for gas.

Light bulb (in the voice of Gru from Despicable Me).

So, how did we save so much money? I didn’t monitor well all the little seeps of using that debit card.

Like, when I poorly plan and we need a single item from the grocery store and then I come home with three bags.

Or grocery shopping too close to meal time and not planning to have a slow cooker dinner ready or lunch leftovers and then picking up a couple of those ready-made pizzas from the deli area.

Or not thawing out meat well enough in advance and having to rush out to pick up some rotisserie chicken or even some fresh meat – and five other items to make the recipe I decided last minute.

Not to mention all the extra gas wasted with the unnecessary running around that could be eliminated with better planning.

With better planning, I could shop for meals monthly or even twice a month, and let that be the end of it.

And all that extra money we’re saving with having one vehicle? So many options! Into our savings account to earn interest. To pay off unsecured debt. To take a vacation en route to our next duty station. To take the kids on fun staycation places before we move.

I wish we had done this sooner. I wish we hadn’t bought into the “need” for two vehicles. This was my selfish demand when we arrived here with our van from our last duty station. I wanted freedom to drive where I wanted, when I wanted. I didn’t even wait to see if we could “survive” with one vehicle.

I didn’t wait on the Lord to provide the perfect vehicle or say NO to me. I pressured my husband to drive the 1.5 hours down to Carmax to purchase a used Jeep Liberty that we owned for a year, then encouraged him to trade that in for a pickup truck that we are now having to sell. And we owe more than it’s worth. (Please pray it sells soon!) And I can imagine even more blessings when we don’t have that extra monthly payment to make!

My husband just mentioned yesterday how simple it is, having only one vehicle, even with having to juggle a couple appointments this week. It makes us appreciate our provision more than ever.

I read blog posts and articles all the time with lists about how to save money, cut costs, be frugal…and they really just all say the same things. They’re good lists, but I haven’t gleaned anything life changing from them.

Eat at home. Combine errands. Don’t use credit cards. Don’t shop online. Reduce. Reuse. Simplify.

I’ve done almost all of that I can do…except sacrifice by having only one vehicle…so there it is.

But I needed to lose control. Of my selfishness. Of my finances. Of my demand. Of that blasted Excel spreadsheet with its numbers and formulas and figures in black and white that don’t necessarily add up to God.

I am amazed and blessed…and shocked.

Check out some other frugal posts by the Review Crew.

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