Red Flags

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June 1, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

It’s important for me to teach my kids about red flags in relationships.

I didn’t have anyone guide me in healthy relationships when I was a teen or young adult and I found myself in toxic patterns.

We seldom see the red flags while we’re walking past them or living with them.

We want to ignore the red flags. We’ve been taught to only see the best in people. We’ve been taught to be polite and compliant.

I realize there were so many red flags in my previous relationships that I should’ve seen, that maybe my parents and friends should’ve said, “Hey! This isn’t ok!” but they didn’t. Even when I knew I wasn’t healthy enough to protect myself and relied on them for help. They didn’t vet my relationships well. They didn’t see it either or didn’t care.

I was deceived about so many things. I had no power to discern the truth.

I was so naive. I was so gullible.

Big Red Flags

Communication

He made fun of me, belittling me, humiliating, shaming. I took it because he was “older and wiser” and I just thought I surely must really be dumb.

He was often distant. He monopolized conversation. It was always about him. He didn’t want to hear my stories. He didn’t want to know what I did at work that day. He only wanted to talk about himself.

As an introvert, I’m a great listener. This wasn’t a red flag at all for me. I loved learning about his past and hearing the stories that were important to him.

But I failed to realize that I wasn’t important to him.

Trust

I want to be trusting. I want to believe the best. I’m still devastated that people will lie and deceive.

Years later, I’m still realizing how he lied to me and about the stupidest things. Things that shouldn’t have really mattered.

He lied about dealing drugs. He lied about stopping the dealing. The gallon bag in the hall closet was not full of catnip.

He left me at a party with his friends. I wasn’t that comfortable with his friends. I didn’t know what to say or do around them. I had to wait hours to get a ride home.

After the separation and divorce, he lied about my daughter. I was a puddle of emotions every weekend she visited him. I wondered who she stayed with, what she ate, where she slept. I asked why she returned with infected bug bites all over her legs and the worst diaper rash anyone had ever seen in history of diaper rashes. He had no good answers. She stayed with his father, his niece, his girlfriend. He had to work and he wasn’t that involved or interested.

And I just recently found out (eighteen years later!) he plotted to start a custody battle. But he never paid the child support or the credit card that the court mandated.

His narrative to his family and friends about the divorce are vastly different than the truth.

Abuse

He was addicted to porn. He made fun of me. He didn’t like my lack of experience. He said no one had every criticized him in bed. He didn’t like the way I looked. He didn’t like where I had hair. He wanted me to look fake and plastic like the porn models.

So many red flags before he ever hit me.

Then I really believed I deserved that first time. I calmly patched the hole in the wall of our rental house and fixed the windowpane.

The second time he hit me, I left. I didn’t want my daughter witnessing that.

He was furious with me for being so hands off while our daughter toddled around, learning to walk. She stumbled and bumped her head on the coffee table and he lost it.

Earlier that day, he had been talking about wanting another baby. I was barely hanging on financially. We had just bought a house near his parents. I was commuting to work about an hour each way. He made about $10/hour, developing photo film.

His family is Pentecostal evangelical. This was the first taste of any real religion or church I had. It all but broke me. They didn’t like questions. They didn’t like women being intelligent or leaders. It was hard and I tried to conform to what they wanted. I thought it must be right and good. I never could live up to their standards. We got married because his church said it was sin to live together.

I don’t even remember what my wedding ring looked like. I do remember picking out one together at a shop, but he lapsed on the layaway, so I didn’t get that one. He wore a borrowed, too big suit to our small wedding in their warehouse church. The “reception” was at his parents’ house. I remember cubing cheese in the kitchen and there wasn’t enough food to go around. My father didn’t go at all. My mother attended the wedding and went home. There was only one night in a local hotel I was comped as a kickback from work. Nothing was idyllic. Nothing was looked back on as charming. It was sad and devastating and embarrassing.

I can’t remember him ever giving me gifts. I remember maxing out the Best Buy credit card for electronics for him. I remember explaining and then arguing that the bank card was attached to our joint account and if he blew money on cigarettes and soda, I didn’t have enough for gas to work or monthly bills.

I was criticized by his family for negotiating the purchase of vehicles from his cousin, who worked as a local Chevy salesman. I was encouraged to use that dealer because that’s where his whole family went. I also went to another dealer just to check pricing and loan info. I was able to get a better deal than from his cousin. They accused me of disloyalty to their family. I still find it ironic that they thought it was better to pay more for loyalty.

I should have seen and reacted to the red flags sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20.

It takes a long time, years…to heal from abuse. Trauma reactions continue with my current relationships. I try to recognize where my triggers occur and deal with that so I don’t confuse my husband and children. It’s never about them.

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Learning to Be Quiet

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June 23, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

I know I’m critical and judgmental. I don’t sugar coat nothing and my husband complains that he can do no right.

During times of stress, it gets worse.

Like on a day when I’ve unpacked the whole house, cooked meals, cleaned the kitchen and floors, bathed the children, and he’s lying on the sofa playing his iPod.

I’m working through this. Breathe in. Breathe out.

It’s gotta be beer thirty or wine o’clock already.

But I try really hard to appear supportive in public.

I don’t want to be that wife. The one who the Army Sergeant Majors cringe about and are embarrassed for the husband.

They confided to my husband: “Our wives criticize us in private. They give us The Look and we know we’re gonna get it when we’re alone. But she berates him in public, in front of everybody and anybody. It’s sad.”

During a shopping on the German economy class, a lady who has lived here for many years informed me that everyone knows who the Americans are when they yell at their kids in public.

So I’ve been observant. Germans gently pull their kids aside (in a store, at the park, wherever) and speak quietly and firmly to their child. German parents are present, close, quiet, calm.

I’m practicing this.

I’m learning to be quiet.

I think being quiet is scarier.

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When He Has a Headache

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June 5, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

So, I’m pretty disgusted with all the books, articles, Bible studies, and blog posts out there encouraging wives to be more available and willing for their husbands.

I’m tired of the church, therapists, bloggers, celebrities, writers, and anyone who perpetuates the myth and societal conditioning that men want sex all the time, anywhere, anyhow, with anyone.

I’ve kinda had it with that.

What about when he’s really not interested?

And I don’t mean unable.

We’ve all seen those silly bathtub commercials.

Sometimes, there are lengths of time when he just doesn’t desire intimacy.

What then?

Communicate.

Of course, try to have a mature conversation about this. It’s a difficult topic and likely embarrassing due to our society and culture programming.

Our society conditions men to be virile and they’re ashamed if their sex drive is low and they don’t feel they can measure up to impossible standards.

Is he avoiding you because you’re a nag or have an ill temper? Then, you need to examine yourself and how you speak to and about your husband.

Often, he won’t know why himself and he’ll be defensive and ashamed. Don’t feed those feelings. Comfort him and offer support and look for solutions together.

Pray.

Go to God first.

Don’t go to your mama, his mama, sisters, friends, or any other male to complain or talk about your sex life.

That’s just opening up all sorts of trouble.

Pray to God and ask Him to help.

Pray with your husband if he’s willing. Continue to pray throughout your marriage for everything.

It’s a great habit to pray together and you’ll only experience blessing.

Get tested.

Low testosterone levels in men are more normal than you think.

There are natural treatments to help. Idaho Blue Spruce essential oil is great to help balance and for energy.

A medical physical is always a good place to start to make sure he’s healthy and fit.

If he’s currently on medication, check the side effects to see if it lowers libido. Then see if he can change to something different without that side effect.

Reduce stress.

Sometimes emotional upheaval is just too much and men shut down.

They’re often not real metacognitive and experience alexithymia and can’t express how stress affects them.

They don’t understand why their bodies react the way they do.

Natural diet, regular exercise, sunlight and fresh air are simple ways to help relieve stress when life gets crazy.

Be a good listener and don’t interrupt or offer unsolicited advice.

Stay close.

Perhaps a weekend or overnight mini-vacation is in order. There’s nothing like a change of scenery and no responsibilities – even for a few hours – to help romantic, intimate, sexy feelings.

And if it doesn’t quite work out with heightened stress and expectations, just cuddle and just be a couple for a little while.

Also, reduce expectations about what sex is and can be. You don’t have to strip down, have silence and darkness, full vaginal penetration, dual climax, or anything that the books, movies, society claims is sex. Take it slow and get to know one another again.

Kids, extended family, home, school, jobs take their toll and it’s nice just to be away to regroup sometimes.

Get counseling.

Sometimes, there’s just something more going on and you need a professional to help sort it out. I have a friend whose husband had this Madonna complex once she became a mother. He couldn’t look at her like a wife or woman anymore. It was sad for them.

It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I’m not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 1 Corinthians 7:2-6 (MSG)

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Losing Control

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March 12, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

So, we saved almost $1500 in a little over a month.

Wanna know how?

By losing control.

We went down to just one vehicle.

My husband started driving our van to work. We put his truck up for sale on the lot on base since we’re moving out of the country and can only ship one vehicle. And the van is paid for, title in hand.

I have kept a budget in an Excel spreadsheet ever since before we were married. I don’t itemize it as closely as a I should. I have a cell for each bill, many on auto-pay (like our investments and insurance), and others (like utilities, Internet, and cell phones) are generally the same amount each month. Then there’s our food/gas/living expenses cell that fluctuates wildly each pay period. I should have monitored that more carefully. The pay-all-cash, envelope system just doesn’t appeal to my husband or me. We just don’t use ATMs and my husband’s paychecks are direct-deposited. Our bank is really just an online entity.

I’ve been rather proud of being frugal this past year. We’d cut down on our spending pretty drastically. We don’t eat out. That helps a lot.

When I noticed we had all this extra money leftover after a couple paydays, I was rather devastated that I must blow that much cash on errands a few times a week – that it would add up to that much in a month of being stuck at home. I asked my husband to verify the budget and he did some math-y formula stuff and looked at the accounts and numbers.

Then I asked if this could have anything to do with my being stuck at home for almost a month while he took the van to work. He’s been picking up the groceries we need. And we’ve been paying cash for gas.

Light bulb (in the voice of Gru from Despicable Me).

So, how did we save so much money? I didn’t monitor well all the little seeps of using that debit card.

Like, when I poorly plan and we need a single item from the grocery store and then I come home with three bags.

Or grocery shopping too close to meal time and not planning to have a slow cooker dinner ready or lunch leftovers and then picking up a couple of those ready-made pizzas from the deli area.

Or not thawing out meat well enough in advance and having to rush out to pick up some rotisserie chicken or even some fresh meat – and five other items to make the recipe I decided last minute.

Not to mention all the extra gas wasted with the unnecessary running around that could be eliminated with better planning.

With better planning, I could shop for meals monthly or even twice a month, and let that be the end of it.

And all that extra money we’re saving with having one vehicle? So many options! Into our savings account to earn interest. To pay off unsecured debt. To take a vacation en route to our next duty station. To take the kids on fun staycation places before we move.

I wish we had done this sooner. I wish we hadn’t bought into the “need” for two vehicles. This was my selfish demand when we arrived here with our van from our last duty station. I wanted freedom to drive where I wanted, when I wanted. I didn’t even wait to see if we could “survive” with one vehicle.

I didn’t wait on the Lord to provide the perfect vehicle or say NO to me. I pressured my husband to drive the 1.5 hours down to Carmax to purchase a used Jeep Liberty that we owned for a year, then encouraged him to trade that in for a pickup truck that we are now having to sell. And we owe more than it’s worth. (Please pray it sells soon!) And I can imagine even more blessings when we don’t have that extra monthly payment to make!

My husband just mentioned yesterday how simple it is, having only one vehicle, even with having to juggle a couple appointments this week. It makes us appreciate our provision more than ever.

I read blog posts and articles all the time with lists about how to save money, cut costs, be frugal…and they really just all say the same things. They’re good lists, but I haven’t gleaned anything life changing from them.

Eat at home. Combine errands. Don’t use credit cards. Don’t shop online. Reduce. Reuse. Simplify.

I’ve done almost all of that I can do…except sacrifice by having only one vehicle…so there it is.

But I needed to lose control. Of my selfishness. Of my finances. Of my demand. Of that blasted Excel spreadsheet with its numbers and formulas and figures in black and white that don’t necessarily add up to God.

I am amazed and blessed…and shocked.

Check out some other frugal posts by the Review Crew.

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He Wins She Wins Book Review

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October 9, 2013 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

I am thrilled to review the newest book by Willard F. Harley, Jr. He Wins, She Wins: Learning the Art of Marital Negotiation is a great resource for every married couple.

When my husband saw the cover of this book, he joked: “Oh, that’s fiction!”

But, really.

This book is a sequel to His Needs, Her Needs and the author refers to some advice he wrote in that book. (I’ve read that too. It’s wonderful.)

I love that this book isn’t just written to women. You know the ones likes that. This book can be read together as a married couple, or separately by men and women, at home or in a class. There are no complicated or embarrassing activities or homework for couples to complete to save their marriage. It’s an easy read.

It’s clear and laid out simply: everything has to be Win-Win for success.

No sacrifice or pay-backs. Couples need to come to happy agreement about everything.

Compromise is thrown out the window. Both husband and wife must be in cheerful agreement about all decisions for successful marriage.

That’s mind-blowing for me. And even more so that this comes from a Christian marriage counselor and not a secular one.

I love this idea.

My husband and I are slowly beginning to implement some changes and communicate better so we can come to agreement. It’s really difficult after years of compromise, sacrifice, and ideas of you-owe-me-one.

I like that this book isn’t a book on argument. It’s about negotiating. And negotiating is trying to make everyone happy. He mentions the politician’s idea of “keep them a little happy and a little mad” and how that’s not successful in marriage because we get resentful. He stresses communication and brainstorming until a solution is found where both husband and wife are happy. Win-Win.

And I notice now the interactions of my married friends and how they need this book.

It’s different than other marriage I’ve read lately and I like that.

From the publisher:

Every conflict in your marriage is an opportunity to fall more deeply in love.
He explains the art of marital negotiation, show you how to resolve common conflicts the right way, and help you overcome these common obstacles:
emotional reactions are preventing calm discussion
neither of you wants to talk about an issue
one or both of you are indecisive
one of you is happy with the status quo
being enthusiastic about anything doesn’t seem possible
Then he walks you through the five most common sources of conflict in marriage:
friends and family
career and time management
finances
children
sex
Finally, he shows you how to overcome obstacles to resolving marital conflicts the right way.

About the author:

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. is a nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist, a marriage counselor, and the bestselling author of numerous books, including His Needs, Her Needs; Five Steps to Romantic Love; Love Busters; and Draw…

Continue reading about Willard F. Harley Jr.

$19.99 hardcover or eBook

192 pages

Available October 2013 at your favorite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

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A Letter to My Husband

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August 21, 2013 By Jennifer Lambert 10 Comments

A Letter to My Husband…

For every day of the year…

Happy birthday to the man who married me.

Birthdays should be celebrations of thankfulness and the joy of life and sacred moments shared. Too often our birthdays come and go as just another day as we’re too caught up in parenthood, bills, the planning, prepping, and cleaning up of meals to notice another birthday that ticks off another calendar year has passed.

Thank you for all the ups and downs of these over fourteen years of togetherness and all that means.

You still say you love me.

Forgive me for not being that mushy, lovey, snuggly, chick movie-watching kind of girl. You know I’d rather watch Die Hard than Sleepless in Seattle any day.

You completed me when I didn’t know how to complete myself.

Despite those early times of me, a hiding curled-up sobbing ball in the closet, or the hysterical panicky save-me phone calls from parking lots, you stood by me and came to the rescue.

In those beginning years, when I just knew I couldn’t carry on another moment of marriage or motherhood, you encouraged me and soothed me. When I felt I was worthless and that you could do so much better with another different wife, you assured that I was indeed good enough. When motherhood overwhelmed and exhausted me, you calmly took over my duties after a long workday of your own, often staying up with wide-awake, sick, or crying babies so I could rest to begin again.

Even though we’ve been through so much, you still say you love me.

We’ve never had godly marriage or parenting role models. We knew this pioneering thing would be tough.

That’s ok because we have the Holy Spirit to teach us. We are going our own radical way.

We often get frustrated with how far we still have to go.

But look how far we’ve come!

We’re both still works in progress.

You still come home at night to an ungrateful wife in her pajamas some days. With no semblance of dinner as you stumble over Hot Wheelscars and dodging pencils and Legos and books strewn on the table and floor and sofa. The dust bunnies are waging war on the cats and you and the kids are getting dressed out of laundry baskets.

But those are sometimes our best days!

Yet you don’t seem too bothered by this. I think I get more frustrated with myself than you ever do.

You still say you love me.

When we argue about how to disciple the kids and the accusations fly and the words rise up against both of us and the quick tongues lash and the eyes shoot fire. Then I’m more angry at you for forgiving and forgetting like you should. I wish I could just let it go and move on. When I snap at you and act like a spoiled teenager with the huffing and eye-rolling and silent treatment…

You still say you love me.

Even when I’m unlovable.

You’ve taught me what unconditional love is. Even though I often struggle against the idea. Even though I don’t deserve it. You won’t relinquish the hold even when I flail and fight.

Thank you for still telling me you love me.

I still need to be reminded.
I love you too.

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What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You Book Review

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November 14, 2012 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

I was very interested to review What Your Husband Isn’t Telling You by David Murrow.

I wasn’t sure what to expect from the title.

My review:

I find this book fascinating!

Of course, I realize it’s mostly a generalization, but I think it offers real insight into the minds of men.

I highlighted and underlined and dog-eared quite a lot of it:

I quoted several passages from the book for the Sunday school class my husband and I teach on marriage and child training. Jon Acuff also makes fun of popular Christian contemporary music when you can’t tell the difference in the topic, whether it’s a lover or Jesus.

“Men like to sing ‘doing’ songs, but many of today’s praise songs are ‘being’ songs. the old hymns focused on our mission for God, but praise songs focus on our relationship with God. I know a number of guys who arrive late to church every week because they despise ‘Jesus is my boyfriend’ music” (147).

The men were nodding and the ladies laughed, but all the people understood because our church service is old fashioned, playing the old hymns. We know the songs that confuse us on the radio, those “crossover” love songs to Jesus…or the lover. Women don’t mind them as much as men do.

I told my class about the “scrapbook” men unwittingly have in their minds of every sexual experience or visual of women stored away and the enemy loves to recall these images at every opportunity (Ch. 7).

It’s good for women to understand this and help our husbands and sons to flee from temptation by not providing extra fodder for those scrapbooks. Murrow cites it to be like an alcoholic tempted by everything he sees everywhere. It’s available and easy.

Sex is everywhere, bombarding our vision on TV, billboards, the Internet, even the way girls dress at church! <—Click to Tweet!

I explained how men communicate and the wives and mothers of sons had a light bulb moment. One homeschool mom mentioned that this knowledge of how men think and pray and speak will help her teach her sons not to try to copy her ways of speaking, but she can now encourage her husband to pray with her sons and teach them it’s ok not to be so eloquent or use the “prayer speak.” This book can be used to help us teach our sons and help them bond with their dads too!

The book is well-written and straight forward. The couples in my class seemed to agree with everything I mentioned from the book. I highly recommend this book for wives.

About the author:

Church for Men is an organization dedicated to restoring a healthy, life-giving masculine spirit in Christian congregations. It was founded in 2005 by David Murrow, the author of the bestselling book, Why Men Hate Going to Church (Thomas Nelson Publishers).
Murrow’s books have sold more than 100,000 copies, and have been reviewed in newspapers such as the Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, the New York Times and many others. Murrow has spoken about the gender gap on the NBC Nightly News, Fox News Channel and PBS. He’s a frequent guest on Christian TV and radio programs including Family Life with Dennis Rainey and Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson. He’s a contributor to several Christian magazines, both print and online. Murrow has written other books: Why Men Hate Going to Church (2011), How Women Help Men Find God (2007), and The Map: The Way of All Great Men (2010).

I received this book free from Bethany House Publishers for my unbiased review.

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Alpha Female

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July 24, 2012 By Jennifer Lambert 6 Comments

When my friend visited us last month, we had a heart to heart conversation about marriage and parenting.

You see, the last time we were together, she had all but lost hope in her marriage. But she held it together and made some changes and now her family is thriving. I’m so proud of her.

She explained the turnaround to me.

She began demanding that her children respect their father.

Sounds simpler than it is?

My friend’s family dynamics and mine are rather similar. She calls herself the “alpha.” I giggle, but I think it’s totally true.

She makes all decisions in that household. I make pretty much all the decisions in our household, so we definitely are quite similar. Her primary motive was to save her children’s relationships with their father. She wanted to break the cycle of absent fathers that she and her husband had growing up. Her desire to do that saved their marriage and family.

Well, my husband’s father passed away two and a half months after we were married. I know that this has permanently damaged him and he has no one to ask for advice about marriage or parenting. I try to take that into consideration. I really do. But it’s often hard. I’m naturally a leader and I do things my way. I don’t ask for advice.

My friend described how during the last few years, she has consistently required her three children to respect their father. Even their dog had to be re-trained! She said it was slow going at first, but now they’re all happy and her husband feels important and needed. Affirmation. But my friend still is the “alpha” and makes all the decisions. Her husband just needed that affirmation. Love languages, people!

I mostly agree with her methods.

Encouragement, priorities, affirmation, relationships.

I know many Christian wives wholeheartedly throw themselves into the belief of the submissive help meet scenario of a wife to a husband. And that’s great for many wives. I’ve read all those books too. They really confused me. Some of those books were rather frightening. I think this is a greatly misunderstood area in Christian and secular circles. My mother and aunts and grandmothers and great aunts were all very dominant (domineering?) women. I come from a long line of strong matriarchs on both sides, so the whole meekness thing isn’t ingrained in me at all. Wives can be strong and make decisions with the blessings of their husbands.

When I’ve attempted to discuss these marriage roles with my husband, he was confused too. He doesn’t want me to be all super submissive to him and he doesn’t want to dominate. He’d rather I make all the household decisions. He knows I can handle it. Often, we make big decisions together, but it’s usually my knowledge and guidance that propel us in the right direction. It’s probably because I have more time to do research. He makes lots of decisions at work, so he’d rather know that home is running smoothly. Except when plumbing or electricity is involved. Then I need him to take over, ‘cuz I don’t do that or windows. Windows don’t fit in the dishwasher!

So, my conclusion to the whole help meet submission thing is that each wife should submit in the ways that please her husband. If your husband wants a modest, skirt-wearing, no makeup and acquiescent wife, then try to please him in those ways and there should be harmony in the house. (Most likely y’all were attracted because of those desires in each other in the first place, so don’t try to be all bold if that’s not your nature.) If your husband wants a modern, independent, and completely capable woman who can make all decisions, then try to be that girl. We’re all different and our relationships with our husbands are all different. We were all created to be individuals, under God, as helpers to our husbands.

I think people try to read too much into the issue. Why make it harder than it is?

I tend to be more of the latter type. I went through a skirt-wearing phase and my husband was quite horrified. He said he thought he’d entered an episode of Little House on the Prairie and he wanted to go home. NOW. So, I’m modern. I wear makeup and I like pretty clothes. We had attended a Fundamentalist Independent Baptist at that time and there were brochures in the lobby about proper Christian dress. Every family has to make their own decisions as to what works for them. I don’t feel that makeup and shorts make me or my daughters less Christian than the plain, skirt-wearing types. Honestly, I’ve seen plenty of modesty issues with too many girls from those fundamental Christian families. So, maybe there are other issues there. And modesty is more a behavior anyway. The Bible mentions it should be our constant “conversation.” We want to focus more on heart matters than appearances in our household.

So I am making more of an effort to encourage my kids to respect their father, Aaron. It’s tough, I’ll tell you! I know I don’t respect him much either. I mean, honestly, I know everything, right? I know I am condescending and contemptuous. And my eldest daughter is a great mimic, much to my chagrin. But he seriously can’t tell me to make the decisions and then not like those decisions. (And if I ask for advice, just tell me what I want to hear. It’s not like I really wanted an opinion anyway, ya know?)

Aaron struggles with being harsh to Elizabeth and having excessive expectations. He struggles with consistency in discipline. So, I think working on our relationships will improve everything. If the kids love and respect their father, they will desire to please him. Then he will see their efforts and not be so frustrated when they fall short. And I know that I struggle with lots of things too.

I could bemoan the loss of family devo time or I could suck it up that my husband leaves before anyone is up and comes home at dinnertime and is tired. I do devotional time and Bible teaching with my children as part of our homeschool. There’s always something to be discontent about, but is it worth it? Let’s just focus on the positives.

It’s so true that “if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”

My attitude is the catalyst for everything that happens with this family.

I have seen great improvements in my kids’ behavior when I strive to be cheerful and optimistic and make sure the schedule runs smoothly, including feeding the little monsters a good, healthy breakfast. I’m so much more tired on those days though!

So, that fearful word “submission” looks different in my household than it may look in yours. But we’re happy and blessed now that we’re working it out in a way that fits for us. Different denominations preach different interpretations of this. But what’s it’s about is power. Wives have power over our husbands, whether we exert it or not. Like that quote in My Big Fat Greek Wedding: “The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.”

We can offer advice. We can be persuasive. We can do this in a godly way that honors our husbands and the decisions he makes. Most husbands do what their wives desire. Make sure your heart is in the right place.

Just so you know, my friend is Jewish. Her ideals are often more Christian than most evangelical Christians I know. She keeps me honest. I can’t hide from her!

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4 Days to a Forever Marriage Review

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June 8, 2012 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

I reviewed 4 Days to a Forever Marriage by Gary and Norma Smalley.

I’ve read many, many marriage books. (Always seeking advice, eh?) Some more helpful than others. I didn’t have great expectations for this one. I was pleasantly surprised. Turn a marriage around in just four days? Really?

Well, Dr. Smalley and his lovely wife, Norma, squeeze oodles of information into this little book. I guess “condensed” would come to mind.

I do love the format of this book. It reads like a magazine and looks like a scrapbook with Bible verses (some are just Bible references that you have to look up on your own if you don’t have them memorized) and quotes thrown in the margins. I love reading Norma’s views on events and her advice to overcome struggles with a husband. Of course, you’d assume that they must be the perfect couple since Dr. Smalley is such a big name in Christian family and marriage circles. I love reading how they’ve struggled with typical issues in their marriage just like everyone else. I love their humor when writing about it.

This book is a great resource for engaged couples, newly marrieds, happily or unhappily married couples, and remarriage situations. The appendix offers other resources to help everyone achieve a successful marriage.

The four main topics discussed are love, communication, affection, and finding treasures in trials.

It’s great getting both Dr. and Mrs. Smalley’s perspectives on these issues.

I think the title may be misleading. It takes a lifetime of work to keep marriage successful. You can’t turn around a dying marriage in four days. This book is for happily married couples to get better, not for struggling marriages to do a 180.

I received my review copy of 4 Days to a Forever Marriage from New Leaf Press.

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Stepping Out on a Limb

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April 24, 2012 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

I loved to climb trees when I was a little girl. I grew up in the South and I was such a tomboy, much to my mother’s horror. She had envisioned a proper little princess belle and I fell dreadfully short of that vision, I’m sure.

I now have four perfect little darlings. Three princesses and one prince. They’re all so different from me and from each other. It’s absolute blessed chaos.

As much as I would love to say I teach and work around the house all day in peep-toe pumps and crinolined skirts with pearls…not so much.

So…I’ll step out on a limb and write a little bit about me…

Seems like I’ve been reading a lot lately about struggles. In fiction, self-help books, both Christian and secular, blogs, magazines…lots o’ reading.

I feel strangely and awkwardly blessed to not have it so bad, ya know?

I don’t think I struggle all that much. No addictions. No illnesses. No major issues. Such blessings!

I’m pretty sure I’m a social retard, but I hide it rather well, I hope. All those hours of sitting around reading Emily Post and Miss Manners paid off in that at least I know enough to inwardly cringe when people commit a social faux pas. My husband and I do not go out. We don’t socialize. At all. I read about other couples and families on Facebook and whatnot and I wonder, how do they find the time and money? I guess their priorities are different. Or maybe we just haven’t found our social niche. We have no friends. We haven’t found others like-minded enough among fellow homeschoolers or Christians or with Air Force families where we’re stationed. I do worry about our kids. But, our parents weren’t social either. And they weren’t homeschoolers or Christian. Aaron’s parents were school teachers. My dad was Army. It takes a whole lot of effort to be friends with people, especially since we move around a lot. I have very few people I would consider friends. This only occasionally bugs me.

I think I’ve come a long way in seven years. We don’t really discuss that submission subject. I know I’m bossy and always right. Aaron knows that I’m almost always right. Some days (and weeks, even months) I wonder why my husband married me. Other times, I realize how good he has it and what a blessing I am to that man! Honestly, without me, those poor girls would have crew cuts and the house would be an utter disaster! They’d all live on bacon and carbohydrates. And they would attend a school – shudder!

Of course, I’m not all that perfect.

I yell. A lot. We call it hollering in the South. Sounds a bit sweeter, ya know? I’m just loud. Sometimes, I’m not even mad. I just need to be heard over all the ambient noise.

Some weeks, the laundry remains in those handy baskets (not even folded – gasp!) and doesn’t make it those extra few feet into closets and drawers.

Most nights, dinner is mostly prepped and ready to go, and I mean real food, nothing out of a box or can. We like to eat good ‘round here. Some nights, usually after a particularly good school day (what a downer!), dinner isn’t thawed out or something went terribly wrong in the prep process! It helps now that the weather’s warm and pretty to send those younguns outside to play in the afternoons. I threaten with unpleasant chores and undesirable school work if they whine to come in. Rascals! Get some fresh air and exercise! I’ve been with you since 0648, making breakfast, listening to your surreal nocturnal dream world, providing a morning snack, doing laundry and dishes, attempting to teach you about God and the world we live in, making lunch, snack, and the never-ending cleaning up. Mama needs a cocktail, some peace and quiet, and time to prep dinner and play on the computer. Not necessarily in that order.

I’ve been downsizing and organizing for a while now.

I recently rearranged our little living room and it really opened up that area and is quite lovely. All school takes place in the basement now. Got a new desk and now Tori and Katie can work side by side at matching desks and Liz and I work at the table. Alex alternates between the floor, the little hand-me-down pink desk, or my old table and chairs. More likely, he runs around, wreaking havoc and interrupting and causing insane messes. School time is usually mostly successful for 1/2 to 3/4 of the children. If Alex naps, I rush Liz through the rest of her assignments. I use weekly work folders with daily and weekly checklists.

I have nothing nice to say about money.

I have no idea how to live within our means. Yes, we have a lovely and quite detailed budget that shows how I fail miserably twice a month. We usually get close to debt-free about the time we have to move again. Every time we move, we get into debt with unexpected expenses. Vicious cycle. I don’t even consider us to be very materialistic. I know we do have too much stuff though. Books don’t count. We rent a house. We just re-fi’ed Aaron’s Jeep. The van will be paid off this fall. I shop mostly at thrift stores and consignment shops for clothes. We have great furniture that I supplement with amazing finds from estate and yard sales or thrift stores. We do have lots of investments: savings, CDs, IRAs, retirement funds, 529s. At least we’re not total financial losers. I am quite jealous of bloggers who make money just for blogging. I know I have little to offer in that world. Did I mention we like to eat good food? We don’t serve our kids something different at meals. If I make lamb or seafood or some amazing and complex pasta dish, that’s what we all have. The kids don’t even like hot dogs and pizza that much. And no boy will ever be able to afford to date our daughters.

Liz and Tori are running track. Katie loves soccer. Alex plays hard. Aaron has to keep in shape for the Air Force. I try to run with the girls and teach them to have a healthy lifestyle. I don’t think I am really overweight so much as a bit flabby in places. I used to be totally skinny until I had Tori and Katie 14 months apart. I wouldn’t say that I struggle in this area so much…,more that I’m just lazy and I like to eat and don’t really like to work out. I don’t make time for it.

So, what issues do you struggle with?

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