I Long for More

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

July 13, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I feel poignant on my evening walk, as I scan the dusky sky for the little brown bats skimming over the pond for bugs. The birds watch me warily as I approach on the turns of the path and flit away to a safer distance at just the last moment.

Fifteen years of being invisible.

Fifteen years of being a military wife.

Fifteen years of being a homeschool mom.

We never had the luxury of family nearby.

We celebrated milestones and holidays long distance – fewer and fewer as the years and miles rolled by and communication lagged and fizzled to nonexistent.

We never had any friends for long since we were transient.

I feel disposable.

Unfriended on social media the moment our van was out of sight towards another life at another military base.

It hurts the same way it hurt to be made fun of in middle school. The way my old neighborhood friends moved on as they found better, cooler friends in their own classes at school and ignored me in the hallways and after school. I learned to just stay inside.

I would cry (I mean sob uncontrollably in a ball on the floor) in my room and ask God why no one liked me, why no one wanted to play with me.

I’m still that lonely seventh grade girl inside my mind.

I never seemed to fit in.

My school acquaintances from high school and college would prick me like a needle with their flippant comments of how I would find people like me someday. I hate being dismissed like that.

It is someday, so where are they?

Some people never grow out of the patterns they learned when they were young. Some people never mature. They continue to throw away people as soon as they are no longer wanted or needed. I’m not important. I’m out of sight and out of mind. No one keeps in touch. I realize I was never desired as a friend. My kids played with their kids or my husband went fishing with their husbands. I was superfluous. They tolerated me because I cooked well as I took their abuse, laughed at their inappropriate jokes, overlooked their snubs. I had nothing in common with them other than proximity.

When was the last time you felt it—your own longing, that is? Your longing for love, your longing for God, your longing to live your life as it is meant to be lived in God? When was the last time you felt a longing for healing and fundamental change groaning within you?
Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

I’m tired of continuous stepping stones to somewhere else, someone else. I want to rest in a lasting friendship.

No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest.
John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

We’ve left churches due to vanilla practices and even outright hatred and exclusion. That greatly narrows our opportunities to make and keep friends.

I continue to seek opportunities for socializing at homeschool events.

So many homeschool families have no qualms spouting off hatred and exclusion – about their worship of Trump and his policies and their intolerance for anyone not white, straight, conservative, evangelical Christian. They live in a bubble.

There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.
John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

I bite my tongue and just listen and cringe so my kids can play with some other kids for an hour. I realize we’re never really welcome. I inwardly cry. It hurts.

I never would have imagined I would be so utterly alone at this age.

I keep forging my path and backtracking and learning and changing and improving and seeking, searching, longing.

I learn the flora and fauna of all the new places we moved to – where the deer congregate at dusk, which birds sing at dawn. I’m giddy when I see a heron. I name the raccoons and squirrels. I bark back to the woodpeckers as they cock their heads to see me better. I anticipate the flowers blooming in spring and relish in the surprise of new colors, patterns, patches. I learn the weather patterns, only to realize it’s different every year. I watch for hummingbirds when the temperature gets warm enough and I mourn their progress south in autumn. I always have a favorite critter that comes to my backyard feeders and I worry about her when she doesn’t appear for a few nights.

My family calls me Snow White. But these animals are more my friends than people could ever be. I feel most at home in nature.

It seems we might finally settle down and stay for a while or ten years or whatever.

It’s scary after being a nomad for so long to realize we own a house and develop a community and be a part of something. But where do I begin?

I asked honestly in a social justice online group: how do I find like-minded families? Their only answer was to move. We literally just bought our house. And that’s not an answer. I’ve lived all over and it was next to impossible for me to find anyone I could share my heart with.

Being quarantined is both a curse and a blessing. Yes, I realize our privilege not being affected financially.

My introvert lifestyle hasn’t changed much. I seldom went out before, but now that I know I can’t, it hits different. Sometimes I forget that I only go to the grocery store. We don’t go to parks now that they’ve reopened since they’re too crowded. We certainly don’t go to restaurants, not even to order takeout. Too many restaurant staff are being exposed and coming down with the virus. It’s so scary. We wear masks whenever we leave the house for appointments.

I realize I am on a journey. I try to relish in my solitude. I learn, research, reflect, improve.

Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.
John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

It hurts me to see my kids miss their sports, friends, activities. It hurts me to get excited for summer and all the things we can’t do. I worry about autumn and the future.

It hurts me that I am a poor role model for my kids because I don’t have any friends. I have no one to turn to in an emergency. I have no one to list on forms that require an emergency contact.

I don’t know how to help my kids make friends when I don’t have any.

I long for more. I long for better.

May the Lord hear my heart’s cry.

Pin5

5 Shares

You might also like:

Introvert Holiday Survival Guide

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

November 25, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

The decorations are for sale in stores before Halloween and Christmas music blasts everywhere on or even before November 1.

Christmas in America is all about commercialism. It’s about rushing, doing, more. I kinda hate it.

As an introvert, I really do dread the holidays. They wear me out. I try to be bright and cheery for my kids, but I really would love to hibernate from Halloween until about Mid-March. I often wake up early or go to bed late just to get some alone time.

As a military family, we’ve seldom been near family to visit over the holidays. While in a way, this relieves me of the potential stress, it also makes me feel very, very guilty.

We visited my husband’s mom at Christmas the year after we married. I was worried about her since it was her first holiday alone since his dad had passed in April. Then she passed the following April, so I’m so glad we went.

I invited my parents to visit the kids and me last Christmas while my husband was deployed. They’re getting older and I worry how many more opportunities we will have. It was actually mostly pleasant.

What’s an introvert to do with all the expectations that come with the holidays?

Priority

Everyone has her favorite and least favorite aspects of holidays. What’s yours?

Discover your priority for the season.

Be mindful of what you’re doing, giving, having during the holidays.

Give to charity or volunteer. Try new recipes. Travel. Offer experiences instead of presents. Join a cookie or ornament swap.

Save money, time, and effort by forgoing card sending. It’s also more ethical and less wasteful. Send texts or social media greetings, or individual emails and online cards.

Take time to get outside in nature to unwind and think. There’s no bad weather, only bad clothing choices!

Make time for selfcare. I take a very hot Epsom salt bath almost every evening with chamomile or lavender tea. It really makes a difference.

The Thanksgiving holiday is rather a disappointment for me. We used to travel over the long weekend. We went to Prague and Porto and Venice.

We’ve traveled to Chicago and Maui and Rome over Christmas.

We’ve lived in so many different places as a military family that travel was a priority until the kids asked to stay home with a Christmas tree and home-cooked dinner.

Focus

Each year, I focus on something different.

We’ve traveled over holidays. That really eased up a lot of stress for me.

Some years, I really get into the Advent readings with my family.

Other years, I decorate all out. My front yard was a zoo last year with light up animals.

We often go to a local drive-through Christmas park to look at the decorations.

We went to see The Nutcracker ballet a couple years ago.

We try new recipes during the holidays, but not on the actual day in case of disappointment for tradition.

Tradition

I realize that I’m making memories for my kids.

What are your favorite memories of the holidays? Do that for yourself and your family.

It’s all about the food for us.

While I don’t make a lot of sweets, we really do love the fancy dinners.

I roast a turkey breast for Thanksgiving. I make the most wonderful herb sausage cornbread dressing. Two of my kids don’t like turkey so much. What is up with that?!

The kids get Advent calendars. Everyone gets chocolate. My son and husband share the Star Wars Lego. This year, the kids asked for Yu-Gi-Oh! My teen gets a bath bomb or makeup one.

We celebrate Saint Nicholas. We do stockings for St. Nick with chocolate orange candies and small gifts. This has relieved a lot of pressure for Christmas Eve and Day.

We celebrate Hanukkah with roast beef. When Hanukkah falls mid-December instead of during Christmas week, it’s extra special because it’s like we celebrate more and longer. I seldom can do eight nights of presents, but I try to make it special with a nice family gift.

We have prime rib and Irish ham for Christmas. My youngest daughter really loves the slow roasted ham.

With twice baked potatoes. They’re a favorite!

We also look forward to ham au gratin potatoes as leftovers!

I try to purchase my children an ornament each year so they will have a starter box of their very own Christmas when they grow up.

We almost always get new winter pajamas. And lots of books.

We read lots of holidays books and watch fun holiday movies every year.

We have a simple celebration for New Year’s.

Our holiday season ends with Epiphany.

Delegate

Trusting my kids is a huge part of sanity over the holidays.

While my husband has a panic attack when they carry his grandmother’s china dishes and my crystal butter dish to and from the dining table, I know they can handle it. They take great care with these items. And they’re just things. Someday, it will all be theirs.

My kids always wanted to help put up our artificial Christmas tree when they were very little. I think they considered it a fun puzzle with the colored branch tips.

Nowadays, I bring the big duct-taped box out of the cellar and let them have at it. They’re plenty old enough and do a great job putting it up and pulling it down to store away for another year. My husband and I usually string the lights. We all help sort and hang the ornaments.

The kids completely decorated the front of the house during deployment. It looked like a holiday zoo! I hardly had to help at all. They were amazing.

My middle daughter is quickly becoming self-proficient in the kitchen. She’s in charge of any potato dish. She also sets the table just lovely. I never have to check the placement of a fork or wine glass with her!

My husband is in charge of the prime rib. My son loves cooking meats – frying, grilling, all of it. He loves thermometers! He wants to work in a butcher shop when he’s older.

Let it go

I don’t go to holiday parties.

Most of my husband’s work obligations don’t include me anyway. Our street has an adults-only progressive dinner, but I’d rather spend time with my family than drunk overgrown frat boys. For unavoidable events where it’s important to make an appearance, know when and how to leave as early as possible without seeming rude.

We don’t go to church anymore. I kinda miss the advent readings and candle lighting and midnight singing. Years ago, the church we attended did a fun ladies ornament exchange. But I don’t miss the stress and drama at all.

I really hate shopping, even throughout the year. It’s not hard for me to say no to shopping in November and December. I shop online all year round. I save money with cash back apps. Giving experiences is better as my kids get older.

Declutter before the presents arrive so it’s less stress. One in, one out is our flexible rule. We don’t give lots, but try to limit presents to about four with this little poem.

We do a few gifts within our immediate family. No gifts for extended family. I don’t send cards. I absolutely don’t send braggy annual newsletters, not even on social media. This is all for my sanity and for ethical reasons.

What do you want your family to remember about the holidays?

You might also like:

Share2

Pin62

64 Shares

You might also like:

Parenting Alone During Deployment

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

June 24, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I see you over there at every significant event with your spouse and kids and parents and in-laws, siblings and their kids, grandparents, and extended family, friends even.

You’re loud with inside jokes and almost obnoxious laughter within your safety net of family and close friends, whom you’ve known forever, in a place where you’ve always lived, surrounded by people who love you and whom you love, despite the mistakes of your past, your gawky teen years, going away to college and returning to marry and start your own family.

I don’t know what it’s like to be surrounded by friends and family.

Your eyes cut to me more than once.

Do you look uncomfortable or curious?

I’m the mom at her kids’ events, alone.

You might wonder if I’m a single mom.

Am I separated, divorced, or widowed?

You might wonder where my people are – parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, whoever.

I try to take lots of pictures for memories.

I go home after events and practices to email or text a summary and all the photos that turn out.

My husband is deployed.

Or TDY.

Or working late, weekends, doubles.

His parents passed the first year we married. His sisters choose not to have a relationship with us.

My parents live far away and we’re not close. Almost all my extended family have passed since I’m the youngest grandbaby.

Many people ask, “How do you do it?”

I just do.

This is my life.

I’ve had some scoff that this is my choice and I could make changes if I really wanted to.

I wonder: what could they possibly mean? Separation from the military before retirement (maybe in two more years!) and lose all those benefits? Geobaching? Divorce? What?

Of course it’s my choice. I knew what I was doing when I married my military man. It doesn’t make life any easier when the going gets rough.

I didn’t realize I can’t ever express sorrow, regret, loneliness, heartache – or any emotion that isn’t overwhelmingly patriotic and positive – over certain life circumstances like others so often do for shallow sympathy.

I do what I have to do to raise my children well, often with an absent father who travels or deploys for work. I sometimes struggle to be everything to my kids – mother and father. They know to rely on themselves and each other and me. I’m the constant. I’m consistent.

Sometimes, it’s just really hard and lonely.

Solo Parenting Tips

Stricter schedule
Earlier bedtimes for kids so I have alone time
Nature/outdoor time daily for at least 30 minutes
Healthy eating and plenty of water
Hire or borrow help when needed
Take lots of pictures
Video chat
Email
Texting
Have kids draw pictures, write letters, make treats to mail
Have kids help create and deliver care packages to USPS
Scrapbook or photo book of time missed

Have you ever parented alone and how did you manage?

Pin166

166 Shares

You might also like:

Stepping Stones

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

June 3, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 17 Comments

I don’t sugarcoat or make small talk.

I’m a straight shooter and people apparently find that intimidating.

I know who I am and what I want.

So…I struggle making friends.

I don’t have any.

Perhaps this is a season that will pass.

Maybe I’m just always on a stepping stone to somewhere else.

I’m always on the lookout for like-minded weirdos, but there always seems to be some hindrance to that.

We move around a lot.

Sometimes the hindrance is me.

I know I have issues.

But sometimes?

The hindrance is sometimes totally on someone else.

It’s important to be able to discern it.

Once you reach age 40, maybe you should have more of your shit together. You’ve had plenty of time and resources for self-loathing, therapy, grief, addiction recovery, getting to know yourself, parenting (even if you have to re-parent yourself), whatever you’ve dealt with. I’m really sorry about all of it, but I dealt with a lot of it too.

I understand your façade of a perfectionistic, yourwayorthehighway cold-hearted bitch hides your falling apart life, but I will not get into it with you over which hymn we should sing on Palm Sunday. It’s just not worth the argument. I will still smile and shake your hand during greeting time at church. And I like your boots.

I can overlook a lot, so much. I can smile and be friendly. But if you have severe unresolved personal issues? Then I don’t want to friend you on Facebook and have you stalk me online. I don’t want to have coffee or a meal with you. I don’t want to sit through a planning meeting with you. I don’t want to share responsibility on some committee with you. I don’t want my kids in a situation where you’re an authority figure over them.

“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” ~ Ross Caligiuri, Dreaming in the Shadows

These are things I realize:

A lot of people are lonely.

We live in a society where we’re all connected online, but we don’t know the name of our neighbors on our street. Coworkers are just acquaintances. The people we see in church each week are just a handshake.

We’re isolated by busyness. We make sure we don’t have time to slow down enough to think about our pain. Or joy. No one wants to feel emotions.

We don’t have any role models who show us how to be friends.

Our parents all worked full time and were busy too. Many of us are from broken homes. We were latchkey kids.

We were taught to fear and never trust others. Stranger danger! Don’t talk to people online!

That’s the only people I talk to!

We think stress, anxiety, depression are normal.

We try to hide our loneliness with stuff.

We constantly try to fill that hole with food, drugs, alcohol, shoes, scrapbooking, diets, throwing the kids into a gazillion after-school and weekend and summer break activities…

Friendliness is misconstrued as manipulation. We overthink it. Why are they smiling? Is something in my teeth? What do they want?

There’s a difference between loneliness and solitude and most people can’t handle healthy solitude. Or silence.

There’s a lot of unnecessary judgment.

Some judgment is healthy.

We need to judge the right moment to cross a busy street. We need to judge whether it’s cardi temperature or if we need a heavier jacket.

We need to discern right from wrong in many gray areas.

Judging others because of their clothing choices or their car or their Christmas decorations can hinder friendship. It’s silly.

Except the 25-foot Rudolph in the front yard across the street. That’s scary.

We’re all trying so hard to impress others with the wrong things for the wrong reasons that we miss out on so much.

It’s harder to understand tone and meaning online. Everything typed comes across as harsher, more sarcastic, cold.

Putting LOL or JK or an emoji after a mean, condescending, or judgy comment doesn’t make it better.

It’s still rude.

And we’re all so good not recognizing our own sins or hangups.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

What about toxicity?

We are called to judge immoral behavior within the church.

Let that sink in a moment.

We are not called to judge outsiders or unbelievers.

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. 1 Corinthians 5:12-13

If you have a problem with someone, discuss it in love and in private.

Three strikes, you’re out though.

Don’t make room for toxicity in your life. I don’t have room or time for it.

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established. If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you. Matthew 18:15-17

It’s hard to balance on that fence of healthy and unhealthy judgment.

Sometimes, we’re awkward.

I’m usually very awkward, especially around new people.

I kinda embrace my awkwardness now. My foot and mouth are intimately acquainted no matter how hard I try to be tactful. I’m just not graceful.

Lots of people have anxiety or awkwardness.

I try to discern whether someone is being really rude or if they’re just awkward. I really hate that whole “trying to have a conversation with someone and they’re constantly looking over your shoulder for someone else better.” That’s just rude.

Greeting time at church is a nightmare for me as an introvert. I avoid a lot of events with crowds or stick to being a wallflower.

I think it’s also true that we worry so much about what others think and they’re worrying so much about what others think that we’re not thinking about each other at all.

We all experience seasons.

Sometimes we’re more social or need to be alone or life circumstances bring us together or pull us apart.

People going through similar circumstances like to do that together.

I wouldn’t really know.

I never succeeded with pregnancy groups, MOPS, mom meetups, military wives clubs, or weight loss meetings.

I’m a leader.

I’m a teacher.

I’m a midnight thinker.

I have taught classes on single motherhood, finances, parenting, natural living, Sunday school.

I’m not a joiner.

I’m not a good student. Mostly because there are so few good teachers.

I don’t like meetings, lectures, or effing parties where I’m expected to buy jewelry, leggings, kitchen tools, sex toys, or essential oils.

It’s always been hard for me to fit in.

I guess we don’t fit a certain stereotype. We have 4 kids. We’re a military family. We homeschool. I’m liberal and progressive.

I cringe a lot when all people want to talk about are crappy TV shows or teen novels.

And I don’t do small talk.

small talk: polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters or any transactions ~wiki

We’ve all experienced suffering.

This can be an alienating situation or it can bring us together.

Maybe it’s a terminal illness.

Injury.

Surgery.

Chronic illness.

Disability.

Maybe the stress of having a special needs child.

Broken relationships.

Toxicity.

Infidelity.

Divorce.

Abuse. Assault. PTSD.

Addiction.

Abortion.

Suicide.

Mental illness.

Sexuality.

The list goes on and on.

And you know? What I’ve suffered is no worse to me than what you’ve suffered is to you.

It’s not a contest as to who has suffered more or worse.

We’re all in this together.

The church is a house for the broken. It is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. ~Abigail Van Buren

People of faith are nurses, doctors, counselors…and patients – wherever they go.

With arms wide open.

It takes a lot of effort to be a real friend.

Sometimes the next stepping stone seems so far away.

Share29

Pin19

48 Shares

You might also like:

How I Spent Deployment

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

March 10, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

I grew up in the Bible belt, in a south Atlanta suburb. I didn’t know about Lent or a liturgical church year. My grandma was Lutheran and I went to church with her when she visited twice a year. All my school acquaintances were Baptist or Methodist. I sometimes visited their church when they were evangelizing.

I’ve come to see Lent as a time of reflection, personal growth, and study.

Looking back on these 7ish months, I realize I have changed, mostly for the better.

We’re in the countdown to homecoming with this second deployment.

Deployment is kind of like Lent, but for 215+ days instead of just 40 days.

Christian faithful are to do penance through prayer, fasting, abstinence, and by exercising works of piety and charity. All Fridays through the year, and especially during Lent, are penitential days.
from Lent and Easter Obligations as posted on the Military Archdiocese Website

We approached this deployment not with trepidation, but with anticipation for personal growth, as much needed time apart. As an introvert, I used this time to recharge.

How I spent this deployment

Prayer

Of course I pray for my deployed husband.

But having more free time on my hands without daily interaction with my husband, I found myself praying almost constantly. As an introvert and pretty quiet and introspective. It just became natural to talk to God.

I pray for my kids, their friends and acquaintances, their teachers and coaches.

I pray for The Church, our world and country leaders, minorities and those on the margins, nations in crisis, celebrities who are role models even if they shouldn’t be.

I pray for myself, that I will be softer, more humble, more loving, kinder.

I’ve discovered contemplative prayer and Lectio Divina and it’s really peaceful.

Fasting

Ash Wednesday and Lent are seasons of fasting.

I couldn’t say it any better for any time of year:

While I do intermittent fasting to detox, I don’t necessarily recommend that for everyone. It works for me and I enjoy smoothies, tea, and water during the week. Weekends are for pizza!

I lost 25 pounds during this deployment season. I exercised every single day, drank lots of water and tea, ate vegan or vegetarian during the day, healthy clean dinners (often seafood), and fewer animal products overall. The weight just fell off.

The feminist in me feels the need to say that I did all this for myself. I want my health to improve. I’m developing arthritis. My parents take handfuls of pills multiple times each day. My aunt just passed away last week from Alzheimer’s. I want to do better. I want to live better. I want to be a better role model of health for my kids.

Abstinence

Abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Most frequently, the term refers to sexual abstinence, or abstinence from alcohol, drugs, or food.

Well, this one is easy. He’s thousands of miles away. It’s easy for me to stay faithful. And I don’t believe in what happens on deployment, stays on deployment. We don’t have that kind of relationship.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5

It’s also easier for me to eat what I want and how I want. I’ve eaten much healthier and more vegetarian. I hope to maintain that even after he returns home.

I do occasionally have a beer or glass of wine, but it’s been more for special occasions or with fancier dinners, and so much less than before. It’s no fun to drink alone. It feels wasteful not having my husband to share it with.

Yes, I can be rather an ascetic, but I’m learning to balance better.

Exercise

Exercising body and soul. Almsgiving, piety, and charity.

Wholeness and generosity.

It’s all about getting closer to and loving God, others, and self.

I started physical therapy for knee arthritis. They straightened out my misaligned hips and taught me a lot of strengthening and core exercises.

I have maintained daily exercise since.

My son reminds me each evening by pulling my exercise ball out of the closet for me. I do stretches and strengthening exercises.

I also walk at least a mile every day or so, depending on temperatures. I can’t get out there if it’s below freezing. It just hurts my lungs to breathe that cold air.

I pinned some great online workouts.

Penitence

I’m a pro at beating myself up.

I don’t need anyone to point out my errors, mistakes, sins. I do a great job of that all on my own.

I’m trying to heal. I’m reading up on narcissism, dysfunction, shame, anger, fear.

I will break this cycle.

I’m reading so much to get me out of my comfort zone. Books by indigenous and Black authors, books about decolonization, race, theology.

I’m so tired of the white woman memoir. I’m tired of the self-deprecating oh-woe-is-me mantra of those who identify as my peers. It feels like they’re asking for sympathy, camaraderie, connection…but it seems to me they’re just excluding those who don’t identify the same way.

I’m tired of reading a cleansed, whitewashed, imperialist history told by a Eurocentric and/or white American perspective. It’s actually really time-consuming and stressful to find proper texts and living books that teach the spectrum of perspectives of real history.

I want to hear the silenced voices.

I don’t want to make excuses for my whiteness nor do I want to perpetuate privilege. We can’t hide behind ignorance. I want to teach my kids a better way.

As we count down the days and hours until husband and father returns, we clean our hearts and minds and house in preparation for the return of our beloved and much missed family member.

Share3

Pin20

23 Shares

You might also like:

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

August 27, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 13 Comments

We’ve survived one deployment. It was my first winter ever and I survived with four small kids. He deployed to Kandahar in Afghanistan and it a rough time was had by all.

First deployments are really hard. There are so many unknowns.

Our middle daughter had the hardest time then. We’re all pretty adjusted now, I think.

We’re experiencing our second deployment, beginning in August. We’re older, more mature, better prepared. It’s in a safer area so we’re not as worried this time.

As an introvert married to an extrovert, military life (and regular married life) can sometimes present challenges.

I can play the game and play it well. I can smile and go to the functions and perform, but it exhausts me and I resent it and I prefer not to…so I seldom do it anymore.

We’ve lived on base once and that was enough closeness and lack of privacy for me. I prefer to live as far away from base as he can handle the commute.

Moving every few years is stressful and I tend to close myself up long before we actually leave. It takes me a good while to open up again in our new location. Then it’s time to leave again.

I’m not shy. I don’t have social anxiety. I’m a chameleon. I’m usually quiet but I’m loud in certain circumstances. I am often thoughtful and measure my words and tone.

I notice everything.

I’m an INTJ. Sometimes, life is just really hard.

Most people get married and try to change each other. We were no different. We’ve grown used to our differences and we compromise often. I prefer to stay home or socialize with just a few people, less seldom. I’ve never been into parties or large crowds. I don’t like festivals. I like smaller, quieter celebrations. I like to be alone.

“The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.” – Aldous Huxley

We don’t have the luxury of playing games.

If someone goes above and beyond for us, we appreciate it and we try to let you know. Expressing gratitude is important to us. Family is far away and we make family everywhere we go.

I appreciate people who have welcomed us, loved us, fed us, befriended us, and helped us at our various homes over the years. Some we have lost touch with, others have passed, and some we are still friends with, if only virtually.

We talk about your impact on our family. We remember.

Grandma Sharon from our church in San Antonio, Texas. She and Liz had a special relationship.
“Big Tori” is still our friend from Hawaii.
Pastor Neal, his wife, Christine, and their son, David, helped shape our faith in Utah. Mr. McMillan from across the street was a surrogate grandpa.
Jenn in Germany – we miss you! Alex still remembers the kindness of Coach Bacon in teeball.
Dale and Ruthann in Ohio. We love y’all.

We have friends all over the world. We are global citizens.

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

How does an introvert spouse survive deployment?

I’m not one to talk much to others about deployment. I’m pretty private.

Life goes on and if it had been up to me, I wouldn’t have even mentioned the deployment to anyone at all.

I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want pity. I don’t want small talk.

I don’t want the commander or a key spouse calling me on the phone or stopping by to check on me. That happened during our first deployment and it was so awkward and uncomfortable.

And yes, I’m tired all the time from being “on” constantly. I don’t get any breaks. I go to bed a lot earlier now.

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” ~Paul Tillich

Preparation:

Weeks, even months, before the actual deployment, it seems like he’s already left.

Training sessions out of state, late nights of paperwork, medical appointments…it’s a hot mess gearing up for the actual event. He’s stressed about leaving his post and he’s stressed about his new assignment. He’s stressed about traveling there.

We get our paperwork in order. All those legal forms granting me access to everything. Just in case.

He got the cars serviced. He paid for the car tag taxes for two years so I don’t have to deal with that.

His stuff is everywhere. I stub my toe on his bag that’s in my office.

I’m almost anticipating the leaving so I can have some peace and quiet. We pick fights with each in frustration.

I stock up on vitamins, conveniences, and other items he’ll need to pack to take with him. We still forget stuff and I pack up a box the day after he leaves.

Of course he waits until the last minute to get things he needs, like PT pants and contact eye solution.

I got food poisoning from a restaurant two nights before he left. That was a great start to a hard week.

Saying goodbyes are hard. You kinda want to hurry up and get it over with, but it’s like getting kicked in the gut when the gate door closes behind him.

I only get to say goodbye once, but he travels on 4 airplanes, for almost 48 hours. He texts me when he arrives at each layover and when he’s about to board again. He’s stressed, tired, and unable to eat due to nerves. I drop everything to reply to his messages and comfort him, informing on what we’re doing: normal things like eating or cleaning or reading or watching Netflix.

When I got up at 0300 to see him off at the airport gate, my skin hurt by lunchtime. My stomach was in knots by dinnertime – from being so exhausted. I drank lots of tea and took a bath, but I couldn’t hold off any longer and fell asleep by 8:30 PM. I had that luxury of resting when I needed to, but he couldn’t rest well until he arrived at his deployment destination.

The first day of deployment:

I almost forget he’s not at work, a phone call, just 20 miles away.

I spent most of the day planning.

Inventoried the food and made a menu plan for the next two and a half months.

Budgeted for the next year. I plan to pay off the credit card during the deployment. Dang cat surgery and braces for two kids.

Wrote out a homeschool plan for the first month. Ordered some history books – from the library and Amazon.

Organized my book basket. I plan to read them all soon. I have way too many journals.

Gathered old school items to sell and clothing to donate.

Ordered the kids’ Halloween costumes – in August.

The first day alone is surreal. The cats are comforters, lying beside me and in my lap every time I sit down. They know. I drink his Assam tea with lots of sugar in my yellow Aiea, Hawaii, library cup and remember.

I made breakfast and lunch and did dishes and laundry. I look at the time and wonder how early I can start dinner?

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” – Paul Tillich

Deployments can be lonely, even for an introvert.

During good times, I think to myself that I won’t trip over his shoes that he leaves all over the house instead of in the shoe racks.

I can be efficient and clean and not have to worry about going back to tidy up his messes.

*There’s so much less laundry.*

I can budget better and easier. I will have fewer utilities, simpler meal planning, efficient errands using less gas.

I’ve given up alcohol. I don’t feel comfortable having a drink when I’m the only adult in the house. No more beer or wine for me. It’s not even in the house. I’ve lost 15+ pounds this month so far. I only have another 5-10 to go before I feel great. I weighed 170 a year ago when we moved to Ohio from Germany, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been – even after I had my C-Section in 2007. Read some of my weight loss methods here.

I don’t have to keep the air conditioner so low since I have the bed all to myself…and the cats.

There are no arguments. I kinda miss having someone to pick at.

I don’t have anyone to open jars.

I don’t use the charcoal grill. Alex is 8 and is in charge of the gas grill. I’m his assistant. I don’t tell him that I know how.

I have no one to rely on for help. All decisions fall to me. I am responsible for everything.

He can’t grab that ingredient I need on his way home from work.

If something goes wrong, it’s all my fault.

How I spend my time each season:

Autumn

This is probably the busiest time of year. It’s easier when we’re busy.

Chauffeuring the kids to soccer and fall baseball, back to school (even homeschoolers) events, art classes, and other fun field trips to take up those Sunday afternoons that drag on and on…

I’m taking my teen daughter to college classes until she gets her drivers license.

I’m spending most mornings writing. I take walks in the evenings after dinner.

Winter

He left on our January anniversary for that first deployment. Thanks, universe.

Have I mentioned that I hate snow? I hate the driveway and sidewalk shoveling…and driving in it. We like being outdoors, but I don’t like the cold.

The holidays are always kinda a drag for me. We don’t have family nearby. The special days don’t feel special. I used to get really anxious about making them perfect, but now they’re rather boring. The kids being older and realizing the commercialism of it all deflates it a bit. Holiday meals will be simpler. I think we’ll celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah the first week of December this year.

Classes are on break and it can get really boring.

Spring

He should return before all the spring birthdays next year.

Spring is always my favorite time of year. Rebirth and growing green things and all that. It’s like stretching in the sun after a cold winter.

Baseball season gets us a little busier again.

College courses start up again for my teen daughter. Hopefully, she’ll have her license sometime in winter.

Summer

During that first deployment, he returned in July. So summers aren’t really something we have to deal with during deployment.

Summers are usually fun, easy times with late nights and late mornings. We spend a lot of time outdoors.

Daily Schedule

I get tired earlier in the evenings, but I can’t fall asleep easily. And then I don’t sleep well. I’ve been reading a lot. I love checking out Kindle books through our library with Libby app.

We do our homeschool work during the days, but we can’t quite get in the swing of things.

We read aloud together in the mornings and evenings.

We take morning and/or evening walks if the weather is nice enough. I’ve been walking 3 miles during my daughter’s soccer practice twice a week. I often walk 1 mile other days, with my cats in their stroller.

It feels like my days revolve around meals more than ever. So much cooking and cleaning. So many dishes. The kids are great and old enough to help out a lot.Having a meal schedule keeps everyone happy right now. My daughters can help out lots in the kitchen now and prep or finish a meal. If you have any delicious slow cooker meals that don’t look like dog food, let me know. I’ve almost exhausted my repertoire.

Monday
Soccer practice and slow cooker dinners.

Tuesday
This is our only free day until November, so we cram in as much book work as we can during the day and have nicer dinners.

Wednesday
Baseball practice and slow cooker dinners.

Thursday
Soccer practice and slow cooker dinners.

Friday
Park days.
Homemade pizza for dinners.

Saturday
Soccer games and afternoon free play time.
Hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner.

Sunday
We’ve decided to take a little break from attending church services. We don’t want the pity from people who think they understand. We frequently do a spiritual fast when life gets very hard. We read a lot from the church fathers and modern authors, pray, and sing together.
Baseball games and afternoon free play time.
Chicken nuggets for dinner.

Sickness and Emergency

I do have some anxiety about injury. I’m saying, “Be careful!” to my kids a lot more than I usually do.

I really don’t want an ER visit during deployment so we’re taking vitamins and drinking lots of water and eating well and washing our hands lots.

My almost one-year-old son had some respiratory distress that first winter in Utah, but other than one visit when his lips turned blue, we were all healthy and safe. He didn’t have RSV, by the way.

I’m constantly praying: Be careful. Stay safe. Don’t get hurt. Don’t get sick.

If I get really sick, I know the kids can handle a lot of things. And other than a tummy bug, I can usually push on through.

Homecoming

I kinda loathe the expectation of the homecoming. We don’t make posters. We don’t really want a lot of fuss. The heartwarming surprise videos that go viral on social media give me hives.

Reintegration is hard for me. I don’t want to relinquish control. I like doing things my way.

The kids eventually adjust to the dynamic of having Dad home again.

We just want to get back to normal as quickly as possible.

It will be nice to have a big steak on the charcoal grill again.

You might also like:

Share19

Pin84

103 Shares

You might also like:

What If I Don’t Have Friends?

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

February 9, 2017 By Jennifer Lambert 38 Comments

I don’t have any friends.

Maybe you can relate?

Come to think of it, I’ve never really had any real friends. I had lot of acquaintances because we were thrown together by similar circumstances – school classes, playing in the neighborhood after school, working…

My parents didn’t feel that it was important to teach me how to cultivate healthy friend relationships. They didn’t and don’t have any friends either.

Most of the “friends” I had while growing up destroyed their lives with drugs, sex, and other bad habits – during and after high school. I focused on my education and earned my Master’s degree, despite trying to fit into that destructive world. I guess I just compartmentalized well. While we all grew apart and I lost touch with them, I matured and was able to put the broken pieces of my life back together. Then there was no place for us in each other’s lives anymore.

Perhaps, being an only child and comfortable with myself, I exude a lack of need for others. I’m confident and naturally a leader. I’ve been told I’m intimidating. I had RBF before I even knew it’s a thing.

Some of it is surely my INTJ personality. I’m also a 1/5 Enneagram. I’m a loner.

Here are a few articles that confirm this: Intimidating and no BFFs. What’s it’s like being an introvert. And it’s not my problem if you don’t get me.

But now, as a mom with four children whom I feel that I need to teach how to make and keep friends and be friendly, it feels like a weakness that I have no friends.

All the shallow efforts I have wasted over the years…my entire lifetime! Feeling like a Molly Ringwald movies…and watching my kids go through the same things.

Unfortunately, sometimes friends aren’t really friends.

Here’s some history:

The mommy peer pressure is just too much.

I wish I had back all the money I blew through trying to keep up with mommy “friends.”

I should’ve remembered how I felt during Rush Week at university. I have to pay how much to be in a stupid sorority with girls I don’t even like? I remember one girl in a red dress (they were all wearing red dresses!) asked me what I liked to do. I told her, “I like to read.” She beamed a huge smile at me and gushed, “Oh, I love to read too! My favorite author is Danielle Steel.” I froze in horror and gave up on sororities. Money doesn’t buy friends.

I’m pretty simple, low-maintenance.

I’d rather wear Levi’s jeans, a 3/4-sleeve T-shirt, and TOMS – than trendy heels and designer clothes with a bunch of coordinating accessories. I like to be comfortable. I have no one to impress.

I’m an Air Force wife. I grew up an Army brat. Several officers’ wives made me feel less-than during our first few years of marriage.

We were pretty isolated, with no family nearby. We had little in common with my husband’s work peers.

So, I completely bought into their attitude of needing more stuff, wearing more jewelry, having the right purses, getting my hair and nails done, hiring a nanny and babysitters so I could go to OSC meetings and socialize.

I was told it would help my husband’s career. Because, you know, that’s my sole worth.

I tried to fit in, believing what those wives told me.

It wasn’t worth it.

I was miserable.

I lost at least three years striving after these unnecessary things.

Three years of putting my babies after my “needs.”

It shouldn’t matter what I look like. I don’t need name-brand makeup, trendy accessories, expensive hair highlights, or fake nails to be a good wife or mom.

No one cares what brand of shoes or purses I have. (If they do care about that, they’re not someone I want to be around.)

My kids don’t care what kind of car I drive. We had our Dodge minivan for almost 10 years and just recently traded it in for a newer model after it started really falling apart and I just couldn’t take it anymore. We’re down to one vehicle next month.

And then, I tried again with a different group of moms when we PCSed to a different base. Failed again. I give up with that whole group idea.

That time at playgroup when one mom with a Pottery Barn-decorated home was begging for sympathy about her mistake of giving her infant 2nd degree burns when she spilled her hot tea on him, but then she then scowled at me so superior and announced to everyone present that she would never leave a 10-year-old child alone.

I never went back to playgroup. I didn’t even know what to say to all that judgment.

When I’ve attended homeschool park or gym time, the other moms barely smile in my direction and never speak to me. They are shielded by their children. The moms of babies and toddlers huddle together. My kids are older now. My teen doesn’t come to park or gym day anymore, so I encourage my younger three to play while I sit on the sidelines with a book, and they stay close together, protecting each other from too many kids who don’t seem to know how to be kind or cooperative. Some moms feel the need to control gym time and organize relays and my kids don’t like that, so we haven’t gone back for a couple weeks.

I’ve analyzed my priorities.

We are hospitable. We have hosted gatherings for church and homeschool, neighbors and coworkers, without ever expecting reciprocation. We’ve sat in an empty house, waiting excitedly for anyone to show up to dinner and birthday parties, because apparently no one RSVPs anymore. I’m tired of stressing out and making so much effort for nothing.

It’s easier for me to be alone than to settle. Recently, the political climate has really brought the negativity out into the open and I have retreated further into my shell to avoid it.

If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. John 15:19
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

I dislike the position I always seem to find myself in when I’m in a group. No matter with whom and where, I get placed into teacher mode. People ask for advice, question me, talk about their health and troubles. I don’t understand it and it’s exhausting. While I loathe small talk, I also get drained by constantly being bombarded like this.

I don’t have a niche.

There is no village.

I’ve never had a group of friends.

I was a quiet loner all throughout school, crying myself to sleep because I didn’t have any friends. I was never picked by Karen (always the mom) to play house. The boys wouldn’t let me play Legos. I seldom went to birthday parties or sleepovers. Few kids ever came to my house for anything, even when I invited the whole class for my birthday. My mom was the room mom, making the crafts and planning the events and doing the story time. I was never successful at sports, much to my dad’s disappointment.

Lots of kids seemed to fit in, having their niche with no effort.

I told myself that I would blossom when I got older and finally find others who shared my interests and values.

High school was a social nightmare.

College was all go, go, go – working fulltime and classes fulltime and then mental breakdown and near death.

Almost ten years of destructive behaviors.

I didn’t fit in there either. Thank God.

I’m older now, and it all seems even more distant than ever.

My teen daughter can’t find her niche either and she blames me.

She’s my opposite, never meeting a stranger, always friendly and can talk to anyone about anything. But I’ve made her cynical and over-analytical.

Part of me wants to apologize and make amends…and another part of me wants to rage against the system.

We’re transient as a military family. We’ve lived all over for 2-4 years at a time and that makes it difficult to create lasting friendships.

We’re almost used to the plethora of well-meaning, almost-interested barrage of questions and then the blank stares and uncomfortable smiles that don’t reach their eyes as people realize we’ve lived in Hawaii and Germany and Utah. That we’ve traveled all over.

They can’t relate. We can’t relate to the experience of living in the same town for 27 years.

I don’t want someone to mooch off me, either physically or emotionally. I’m not a therapist and while I love to listen and counsel, it gets draining when all someone wants to do is whine and complain all the time. I don’t want to be a babysitter to your kids so you can run off and play, neglecting your duties to your family.

Why can’t I find my place?

I’ve read so many books and blogs and articles about “how to find my tribe.” (BTW, the word tribe is offensive to Native Peoples.)

The authors make it sound so simple. Because for them, it was simple. Which makes me further feel that there’s something wrong with me.

I loathe these trite calls to action about finding my purpose.

There are even online quizzes on finding a niche or purpose.

I’ve been hurt. Yes, I’ve been bullied. Yes, my heart has been hardened.

Yet, I keep trying.

“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” ~ Ross Caligiuri, Dreaming in the Shadows

Why don’t I have a group?

I filter my relationships.

People have an obsession with never being at home.

For whatever reason, modern moms feel the need to spend all their time away from home, whether it’s at a paying job, volunteering, social outings, or shopping.

They teach their kids that this is normal by throwing them into every activity they can sign them up for so they’re never home either.

These moms and their kids are all so busy all the time.

We were excluded at our last church because we didn’t participate in Scouts or game hunting. Some of the older lady members excluded me because they assumed and didn’t trust that I could cook for potlucks or plan anything well. So welcoming. Neither my husband nor I are ever asked to be in leadership because it is well-known we move every few years and the terms are usually 3 years.

The older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good… Titus 2:4-5, emphasis mine

Then they complain about their busyness and get sympathetic nods and duck faces from other “busy” moms.

So much for any idea of planning a park meetup or play date or just hanging out for coffee or tea.

Their kids are in school all day, then every afternoon it’s something: Scouts, violin lessons, golf clinic, French tutoring, swim team, gymnastics, or dance.

Even the homeschoolers: they send their kids to enrichment classes or co-op or partial days and extracurriculars at the public school, and it’s the same thing in the afternoons: Scouts, music, language, sports, clubs, lessons.

It’s not worth it to me if you have to schedule a play date or social event with me or my family months in advance. Or cancel at the last minute.

There’s no spontaneity anymore.

People have an obsession with entertainment.

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life —is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1 John 2:15-17

If people aren’t rushing around, going places, and doing things, they’re pursuing mindless entertainment.

What is with these adult coloring books? Is it a cry for help that people are so stressed they need to resort to that comforting hobby we had as kids? The “shut up and color” mentality is killing our creativity. Or is that no one wants to be a responsible adult, so they try to prolong the illusion of childhood by coloring and avoiding?

And what is with these coloring and journaling Bibles? It’s not enough to just read and apply the teachings of the Bible? I’m so tired of seeing all this advertised and bragged about on social media.

I don’t watch the same TV shows or read the same books. I have higher standards. Much of what is popular is just garbage.

We don’t do amusement parks. We just don’t waste our time and money on that. Yeah, I don’t do Disney. That’s an unpopular idea.

I couldn’t care less about sports.

Leisure activities are idols.

I don’t understand the itching to throw the kids into a preschool in order to “socialize” them and “have more time to yourself.” To do what, exactly? I know so many women who have no self-worth as a mother. They get rid of their kids to pursue their own selfish interests.

We don’t spend our money on much entertainment. We travel frequently and eat well at home and seldom buy “stuff.”

Our entertainment: museums, history, culture, cuisine.

I don’t know what to do with people who don’t read or travel.

People have an obsession with food.

Why do so many American women have thyroid issues? Why do so many Americans have weight problems? I think many health and personal problems are exacerbated by eating out in fast food and casual dining restaurants. The quality and nutrition of the food are poor.

Food is an idol for many.

We don’t like fast food or takeout at home either. It helps that we’re a long way from the nearest restaurants. The food would be all cold by the time we got it home anyway.

We cook from scratch almost all the time. I prefer to know exactly what we are ingesting.

I don’t want to go out to eat.

We seldom go out to eat. It’s expensive and the food is seldom worth it. It’s more stress for me to get myself and the kids dressed and out the door, wait at a restaurant, potentially have a rude server or a mistake on my order than to prepare healthy, yummy meals at home. We don’t even really like to eat out on special occasions. We occasionally go out when we travel, but we are very picky and it’s usually just for lunch in order to save money and leave behind the crowds. I read reviews and have a few favorites around the world.

Our kids often get interrogated at church or homeschool events about their food choices. My kids choose for themselves what to eat and drink, based on our conversations and education at home. I don’t interrogate others about their choices, good or bad, but these people argue with us about what we eat or don’t eat!

One local American homeschool mom hasn’t spoken to me since I explained my stance on eating out. For them, it’s entertainment, and that’s their choice.

People have their heads in the sand.

Few people I try to converse with have any real knowledge or understanding of government, popular culture, political issues, history, the arts, classic literature, or anything I feel is important.

Many people don’t even know basic geography.

Too many people get their news from social media and we should all know that all media is biased and tells us only what they want us to know.

I don’t care for small talk.

The last few months leading up to and after the presidential election has brought the crazies out of the woodworks. What before was taboo to be said out loud is now being shouted at strangers on the stree and written loud and proud on social media. We always knew there were people with these views, but to witness it and have to explain the hatred to our children is saddening.

If we stand by, silent, doing nothing, then we are part of the problem.

I don’t have time for shallow people with bigoted or ignorant views.

I feel like a minority.

I’m embarrassed to be white. I’m embarrassed to be American. I’m embarrassed to be middle class. All throughout history, those two things have been signs of forced superiority and it disgusts me that others look at me and don’t really see me, but only see my skin and nationality and assume the worst. We’ve traveled and the attitudes people have about Americans is troubling to me. We’re not all like Fox News portrays!

As a Christian, I often feel looked down on because of my faith. What bewilders me is when other Christians criticize and judge. Their lack of love and knowledge of Jesus saddens me. They too often compromise and have little integrity. I don’t want to have to explain away some Christians’ behavior and life choices to my children. Many of my husband’s co-workers and homeschool moms in our community are shocked that I allow my 16-year-old to read Stephen King novels, watch R-rated movies, get a tattoo, nose and belly button piercings.

They don’t like how I allow my children freedom to learn without grades, without punishments or rewards, with no strict standards. They are bewildered.

How is it any of their business? They feel threatened somehow.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? Matthew 16:26

As a homeschool mom, I am seldom sought out for friendship by parents whose kids attend school. We might have some things in common, but I wouldn’t know. I understand that I’m usually not free during the day since I’m educating my kids, but there are other times and exceptions. Even in the homeschool community, I don’t have much in common with others because we educate and parent very differently than mainstream families. I have four kids – currently ages 6 (my only son), 9, 10, and 16. I feel discounted by those who don’t have the same or similar family dynamics. People seem indoctrinated and comfortable in sexism and ageism belief systems. There are lots of specific playgroups planned lately, like “8 year old boys.” Why so much exclusion? We’re pretty laid back, don’t do testing, have no real schedule, have a varied curricula, learn year-round. People seem shocked at the things I don’t do.

As a military spouse, we move around a lot and I think many people don’t want to bother investing time in a friendship that might end when we move away. Even with social media to keep in touch easily. And a family we thought were our friends at our last location visited our new city for an entire week and did not even want to meet up to say hi or have a drink or meal together. It was hurtful. And I don’t play Bunko or care about Coach purses.

I have boundaries.

When someone sees the same people every day, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own. ~ Paulo Coelho

I’ve lost several friends the last few years because I have boundaries for myself and my family.

Some people were passive-aggressive and unfriended me on Facebook while still seeing me at social functions or even at church weekly. Classy. Mature.

I don’t have many personal contacts on social media. I have extended family and a few people I’ve known since I was very young. Many of them I’ve unfollowed. I don’t want to see what they post. I don’t post much at all. I’m private. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to the world by having 5,000 “friends” on Facebook. I don’t get the trend of friending everyone, even if you’ve never met IRL. It makes no sense to me to be confronted in a public place for not accepting a “friend request.” I actually have only about 30 friends and they’re my family members, a few friends, and past students. It’s a personal choice. Follow my public Facebook page.

I am not responsible for solving people’s personal problems or to reconcile adults who quarrel with each other. I don’t want to be in the middle of any of that. Group chats are not for me. Any emails where people feel the need to “reply all” with ridiculous and childish comments is not anything I want to be involved in.

I protect my children from bullies and especially adults who disrespect children. I don’t want us to be around that kind of negativity.

I have even flat out been told that I am overconfident and too much of a leader and unapproachable and that they are jealous of my abilities. Sorry, not sorry.

I am confident in my life decisions and daily challenges and I won’t apologize for that. I don’t need random affirmation from strangers or acquaintances. I’m not a whiner.

It’s exhausting to “play the game” at social events.

I seldom attend work parties with my husband. The plastered-on fake smiles that don’t reach the eyes, the weak drinks in sweaty palms, the tasteless overcooked food. Networking? Helping my husband’s career? No one cares if I’m there or not. They don’t even notice.

I don’t like the unorganized homeschool holiday or theme parties. My kids have actually requested not to attend anymore.

We don’t attend the church potlucks where we try to guess what’s in this or that and our kids get interrogated about why they won’t eat Cheetos or drink Hawaiian Punch.

I have a couple of friends with whom I interact mostly online. I have actually met them IRL and I think the distance helps us not to irritate each other unnecessarily. I ignore it when they actually want to speak on the telephone or anything like that. We mostly send memes back and forth. Is that all friendship has become?

I can play the game. I don’t have anxiety. But it’s all so stressful.

I just a really great intellectual conversation with my optometrist. I guess I’m a loser.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Surely, it can’t all be my fault?

Is it pride? What’s wrong with me? Do I have a superiority complex?

We have a family joke that I am sad to say my kids are picking up on: I must just be a deterrent to people, like a magnet repelling everyone. All the memes about being introverted and sarcastic and anti-social? I guess those are about me.

Yes, I know the old adage of “to have a friend, be a friend.” After 40+ years of effort, it gets tiresome to constantly get alienated, ridiculed, passed over, uninvited.

All this being said, it’s sad to have only shallow relationships, acquaintances online, to be a stranger within a community, with only passing hellos and little waves as greetings.

I don’t really like feeling like I’m always on the outside, looking in, but it’s always been this way.

Be careful how far you push me away; I may end up liking it there.

People don’t value real friendships much anymore. The Internet is a surrogate for real social interaction.

I’ve scrutinized my circumstances, attitude, conversations, facial expressions (I do not have a poker face!), body language, triggers, past relationships…and I do make effort to be kind and courteous and friendly to people. With little or no return.

I try to offer grace and compassion to others. I know we are all sinners. I know I am imperfect as well.

I have my husband, children, and Jesus.

So, I use the time that could be taken up with “friends” to focus on our family’s priorities: traveling, cooking, bird watching, gardening, reading, homeschooling, studying scripture and Bible history, traveling, learning about the topics we enjoy.

Perhaps this is a season that will pass. Maybe it’s a stepping stone to somewhere else.

Maybe this is who I am and where I should be. I don’t like the us vs. them mentality. I’m in my second season of life and feel like I’m surrounded by immaturity.