Social Dilemma

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October 19, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 8 Comments

If you haven’t watched Social Dilemma yet, I do suggest you take the time.

We had some issues with online use with our eldest when she was a tween, so we took more precautions with our younger three kids.

I don’t limit screentime for my kids. It’s too much work for me to police them and creates too much conflict. I want them to learn their own boundaries and limits and time management.

These days, with many kids using computers and smart devices to attend online classes or complete school work, it’s really hard to know where to draw the line between healthy online use and what might be too much. It’s just unfamiliar territory. I do feel there is something lost in translation.

Meetings and talks aren’t as dynamic as when done in person, with audience energy. We are losing our humanity to machines.

My kids are amused and horrified that I didn’t have Internet until I was about 18. Cell phones were bulky and in a big bag when my parents first bought one – for emergencies only. I didn’t own a smartphone until 2005 and that’s when I first got Facebook.

Being Gen X, I can remember not having this little pocket computer that is both a bane and a blessing. The biggest difference I see since I watched tons of TV as a kid is that now it’s all interactive and not safe even if it’s a private group or all the right parental controls are in place.

I have literally watched the explosive growth of the Internet, apps, smart devices…

I recognized early on all the ways that it could be abused and used for evil. While I love the ways it can be used for connection and good, I am wary and careful.

I know what it is to live without it and I know what addiction looks like and how to put it down and walk away.

I know I don’t use social media or my smartphone like many people do, and certainly not like most teens use them lately.

Little do they know that I have multiple devices: an iPad mini, Pixel smartphone, and a desktop computer.

I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I often long for the times before constant instant connection. I hate how we’re just expected to buy the newest and latest smartphone, tablet, computer and the corporations make them to break down quickly and unable to update.

I don’t like all the health tracking apps and smart home devices. I don’t want my information known and stored for whoall to listen, see, and know. How do I know the app or website is keeping me and my info safe? Who has access?

I have recently removed almost all photos of my kids. I posted lots over the years about our travels and homeschooling and daily life. I posted photos and details of my kids without their permission when they were too little to understand. I am updating the blog to remove details and photos. I am concerned about their privacy and consent. Their images and stories are not mine to share.

Yes, I’ve used screens as babysitters at home, in stores and restaurants, at airports and while traveling. It’s hard not to when they’re portable and convenient and seem relatively harmless.

I love how my one daughter uses apps on her tablet to create amazing art. Another daughter follows everything space explorers do worldwide on social media and NASA TV.

My kids and husband and I all send each other memes and I try to keep up with all the latest humor. I especially love the “Not a cell phone in sight. Just people living in the moment…”

I love that we were able to keep in touch so well when my husband was deployed. Technology even has come a long way in just a few years, compared to our first deployment when Skype was all we had and it was sporadic.

My personal boundaries with social media:

I don’t feel the need to share everything.
I only have about 35 friends on Facebook. I only keep family and close friends. Others can like my Page. I follow only pages and people I want to see.
Put down the Twitter when news gets too overwhelming.
I loathe Instagram and Pinterest since influencers took over and just use them for ads and sponsored posts.
I’m careful what I post of myself and family members online. Only with permission. No location. No info they don’t want or we aren’t comfortable sharing.
Regular screen breaks.
Apps don’t have to connect to social media.
I don’t have to use social media to login third party to apps.
I limit how I can be tracked online.
I turn off ads as often as I can.

My Concerns

Doomscrolling and schadensurfing eat up lots of time and erode our mental health. We need to find better and healthier ways to use our time.

And we have sadfishing where kids, teens, and adults “fish for” or seek interaction online by posting sad memes and statuses, hoping for likes and comments. But how do we know if and when these posts are real cries for help – depression, anxiety, suicidal?

Does my child have a Finsta or other fake accounts on various social media platforms to hide their identity or post images and statuses that I don’t know about or that they don’t want me to see? It’s important that my kids can be honest with me and feel comfortable talking to me about everything.

Of course I’m worried about online bullies, predators, porn, and ads marketing to children. I constantly discuss concerns with my kids and I keep up to date on the latest trends to protect our family. A disturbing trend is suicide on TikTok. Deepfakes are getting more clever and they’re not often funny. These apps aren’t going to protect anyone and it’s my job to be very aware what’s on them. Luckily, my middle kids only follow certain topics so they haven’t seen anything questionable. yet.

The social media companies spy and track users. They target us with ads that look more and more suspicious, like regular posts from friends, family, acquaintances. They store our information they collect in order to sell us more, more, more. We joke that they can hear us and get inside our heads and that may be partially true based on our clicks and what we like, watch, and share. The marketing gurus are getting paid to make these companies the most money and they don’t care who they exploit to do that.

Having multiple screens limits attention spans. We still don’t know that much about long term screen use and how it adversely affects brain development. I can certainly see the effects when the kids or my husband or I have been staring at screens too long. We get irritable, headachey, experience eye strain, and feel tired. If we’re watching TV or playing a video game, there is no reason to have a smartphone or tablet on too except occasionally for research purposes. I try to model and teach my kids to be all there and present instead of distracted.

It’s ironic that I met my husband online, fifteen years ago on Match. Also, the hot tubs and meetups in the early days of the Internet were far more dangerous then than they seem now with all the safety nets in the current dating apps. My eldest daughter has met some lovely friends online and being able to video chat and share screens is just innovative. We still discuss safety precautions and meeting in public crowded places, being aware or surroundings and letting me know where she is and who she is meeting.

It’s important to maintain face to face relationships, share hobbies, get outside, do activities together that don’t involve screens. We’re losing touch with who we are and our kids don’t know any better if that’s all they see their parents, peers, and others do.

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.
Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace

Tips for Healthier Social Media Use:

Turn off notifications.
Remove from device any apps that are problematic.
Remove apps from the homescreen.
Set time limits for screen time or certain apps in settings.
No devices at the dinner table or meal times.
Turn off devices and place in charging station one hour before bedtime.
No devices in bedrooms.
Use browser extensions to block social networking sites.
Observe a digital sabbath each day, week, or month.
Only follow people, pages, accounts that add value to your life.
One screen at a time.
Take frequent screen breaks.

Screens are a vital part of our lives, connecting us and granting instant information. While I love being able to research something at any moment, we need balance and moderation in our lives too. I try to model and teach my kids to connect face to face instead of just through screens.

It’s up to me as a parent to navigate this brave new world and keep up so I can teach my kids best practices to protect them from questionable apps, spying social media, inappropriate websites, and mean people online.

You might also like:

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Memes as Therapy

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May 4, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I’ve noticed a trend among young adults and teens.

Since mental illness and mental pain in our society is so silenced and scoffed at, ridiculed and invalidated, they make fun of it.

They have to make fun of mental illness in memes and stories on Tumblr, Facebook, and Instagram, SnapChat…teens and young adults share parodies and self-deprecating humor extraordinaire in group chats and when they actually meet face to face.

In his 1976 book, The Selfish Gene, scientist Richard Dawkins coined the word “meme” from the Greek word for “mimesis,” meaning to imitate when describing the natural selection of transmittable ideas. So of course, we bastardized that word to mean funny images online.

The apathy of my Generation X certainly showed in our nihilism and absurdism. We really were lost, latchkey kids, left to our own devices. No one knew where we were or what we were doing. We raised ourselves. Our grunge music, art, and movies portray us as hopeless, jobless, depressed slackers. We just shrugged and sort of accepted it.

We didn’t have cell phone, Internet, or social media. We weren’t constantly connected. We broke up with lovers and friends and never had to see or speak to them again. Stalking was in real time, if at all.

We grew up in the vestiges of political correctness, etiquette, courtesy, politeness. We obeyed authority, but grumbled about it behind their backs. We didn’t have any solidarity. We had no one to fight or blame.

By the late 1990s, Boomers gained the greatest social, political, and economic influence worldwide, and also a multitude of long-percolating crises reached their boiling points – climate change, national debt, a shrinking middle class, and worse.

The Simpsons and other parodies and dystopias have opened a doorway into darker and darker humor. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Millennials and iGen are suffering from student debt and feelings of loss of the American dream that plagues past generations but is now nowhere in sight.

The nihilism and absurdity of memes that joke about dying and mental illness reflect a neo-Dada movement.

I wonder if we more openly discussed mental health in past generations would it have been more diagnosed and treated without so much stigma – or are society’s issues creating more mental illness in the last couple decades?

I’m a little bit in awe of today’s youth who are more thoughtful and aware and connected than any peer I’ve ever known.

They’ve never known a world without Internet, cell phones, social media.

Teens and young adults today recognize injustice and they speak out about it. They feel lost and alone, depressed and anxious, and they make memes, share stories, poetry, art online. They find their patrons, followers, comrades. They virtually rejoice together and curl up in fetal positions together.

Sometimes you just need to talk about something—not to get sympathy or help, but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.
Karen Salmansohn

Memes as Therapy

Humor

Humor breaks the ice.

When we see funny memes, we LOL or at least breathe out through our nose a little more harshly.

Laughter really is the best medicine.

Humor helps regulate our emotions.

Those of us with depression might have a darker sense of humor than most.

Cognitive reappraisal is more than just counting our blessings or telling ourselves to cheer up. We can sometimes thoughtfully internalize a meme without feeling attacked or reduced.

Affiliative humor are jokes that connect us with others. Self-enhancing humor is similar, find absurdity and joy in dark situations.

Rejection

So many of us feel rejected – by parents, siblings, lovers, spouses, friends, pastors, society.

Memes are a way to show solidarity.

They can point out prejudice, -isms, injustice.

Memes can educate about marginalized groups. It’s not aggressive humor at another’s expense.

Yes, there is irony in sharing these memes. Social media brings exposure to an issue without adequately dealing with it. Social media is also a notorious breeding ground for negative behavior, and may exacerbate any feelings being shared.

We’re not trying to romanticize or trivializing mental illness with dark humor. While there is a risk of someone somewhere misconstruing or becoming offended, that is seldom the intent behind the memes.

Vulnerability

I love seeing celebrities being vulnerable when they share memes or personal images and stories online.

It shows us that we are all human with roller coaster emotions or overcoming trauma.

We can work through those ups and downs in healthier ways than past generations.

Memes lighten the heaviness of therapy topics. Sharing could raise ideas I have gone to therapy or experienced struggles. Potential disclosure through a joke allows us to be vulnerable in a controlled way, using humor to communicate about sensitive topics.

Studies show depressed people who struggle to control their emotions are most likely to enjoy depressive memes.

When my teens and I share these memes, it helps me to understand what they’re going through and how I can help. Often it gives us info to take to our therapists.

Do some of these memes make me uncomfortable? Absolutely. And I think that’s what makes them so powerful. I can examine why and search my soul.

Camaraderie

We share our experiences, opinions, and feelings easily with a relatable image.

When we share a meme and it gets spread, we feel seen We read comments. We connect. We laugh and cry together.

Memes can help destigmatize mental illness and help us feel a sense of community.

While many of feel isolated and have few IRL friends, we can connect online and make virtual friends.

We are not alone in our pain.

Escapism

The pain seems to be overwhelming.

But sharing it makes it bearable.

We like to read about other people. We like to think we are not alone.

This is why we like science fiction, dystopias, speculation.

We want to see a cartoon of ourselves cocooned in blankets eating Cheetos on our devices avoiding responsibilities.

We need the chuckle of a WTF moment or a nod at someone else’s experience.

And even this, like all escaping from reality and pain, can dissolve into an unhealthy coping mechanism. It’s a tool, but it needs to be used wisely.

Memes can offer familiarity, freedom, and levity in a world that, more often than not, flattens and invalidates queer experience.
Bitch Media

Some favorite pages: Pictures for not killing yourself, Cheerful Nihilism, and Aborted Dreams.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel anxious or have a depressive episode?
Me: It just be like that sometimes.
Therapist: No.

You might also like:

What Depression Feels Like

Books about Depression

Living with Depression

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Screen Break

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May 18, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

I think many schools have already taken a spring break. I know I have spring fever and I want to do very little that’s productive.

We’re taking a screen break this week.

The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. The bees are humming.

I need to enjoy it and experience it and we can’t do that while stuck, staring at a screen.

We don’t have a TV, so that’s easier. But lately, the kids have been glued to their iPads, watching Netflix, listening to music, playing games.

Attitudes have taken a nosedive, the house is a wreck, and school goes unfinished.

We need to refocus.

Here’s how our week went:

We took a Screen Break for a Week and Survived

Saturday

I quietly collected the iPads and placed them in my bedroom closet in the morning.

We had a busy day, with one daughter’s piano recital, our son’s baseball game, preparing for Mother’s Day and a birthday!

We watched a Netflix movie on my laptop Saturday evening with homemade pizza, like we usually do.

But there were no iPads!

Sunday

We attended church, came home and grabbed lunch, then headed to the lake for a nature walk.

We had a lovely homemade steak dinner to celebrate motherhood and the birth of our youngest daughter.

We did presents and I baked cake.

We did our evening read alouds, Bible lessons, and prayers.

I feel kinda guilty that our Bible lessons are on an app on my iPad, but I haven’t used it except for that.

Monday

I woke up to breakfast, prepared by my new eight-year-old, Kate, and helpers: Tori and Alex.

We read our morning Bible lessons.

We did math crafts, played with Unifix blocks, completed some nature study pages from our walk yesterday, planted some new flowers, cleaned up the garden, watered the flowers, checked on the frogs in our pond, had a lovely lunch of leftover steak, swept and mopped the floor, and played at the park.

We had a family dinner of homemade hamburgers. Complete with homemade birthday cake.

Everyone pitched in to clean up.

I noticed attitudes seem much improved with plenty of fresh air and outside time.

Nightly read alouds, Bible lessons, and prayers.

Tuesday

Alex woke up and got mad at me that he couldn’t watch a show on his iPad.

We read our morning Bible lessons.

I warmed leftover muffins and bacon for breakfast.

I prepped pork roasts in the Crock Pot.

We finished another nature page about trees.

Kate sewed some on her new sock monkey kit.

Liz completed algebra notes – she uses Videotext, so she had to watch the video on the desktop computer.

Tori needed her iPad for her guitar app for her music practice.

Alex asked about 10 AM if he could play school apps on his iPad. He pouted when I told him no.

The girls swept their bedroom.

I remembered to turn on the Crock Pot! yay!

Liz lied about something stupid so she stayed home.

We spent the entire, insane afternoon at activities – rock climbing wall, art camp, and then track practice for Tori.

I even squeezed in a trip to the commissary before track practice!

Aaron brought Alex and Kate home to feed them their dinner. After track, Tori and I ate dinner.

Liz finished her math lesson with Dad.

Showers before bed help our mornings feel not so rushed.

Nightly read alouds, Bible lessons, and prayers.

Wednesday

Leftover French toast for breakfast. Alex and I made bacon and sausage links.

We read our morning Bible lessons.

I put away clean laundry and straightened my bedroom. It gets cluttered and dusty so easily.

Kate read some of her new Magic Tree House books. Tori played with her Spirograph. Alex played in his room with cars.

We read some science and then I released them to play outside in the sunshine.

I lost track of time with a quiet house. I got some work done and swept the entire house.

Alex came home for lunch and I sent him to retrieve his sisters.

We rushed through a quick lunch, then to music lessons, then to art class.

Liz and I went to the BX for new clothes.

I picked the kids up from art then we drove home for dinner.

We had grilled chicken and pasta. It’s a good night with everyone home together.

Nightly read alouds, Bible lessons, and prayers.

Thursday

I woke up with a splitting sick headache.

We read our morning Bible lessons.

I gave Alex the iPad for Netflix and a bowl of cereal. I went back to bed for an hour.

Tori and Kate made eggs for breakfast and played until I got up.

I was still sick. The barometric pressure was changing and affecting me badly.

The girls did math, with some help. We did science all day long. The girls kept getting distracted.

I did Bible, writing, and reading with Alex.

We had leftovers for lunch.

I took the kids to art camp, Alex to baseball practice, and Tori to track practice.

Liz prepped dinner (green beans, mashed potatoes, and salmon patties!) and Aaron finished it up. Kate ate six patties!

I was still sick and it was so late, so we all went to bed right after dinner.

Friday

We read our morning Bible lessons.

I gave Alex the iPad for one show while I made coffee and prepped breakfast.

I made scrambled eggs for breakfast. Liz had a grapefruit.

I cleaned up Alex’s room and told the girls to clear their floors.

The girls finished the science notebooking assignment.

We took Tori to the ENT to get her ears checked (only wax buildup! yay!). Then we had lunch with Dad, then went to a birthday party. I dropped Tori and Kate off at gymnastics. Dad brought them home.

I came home with Liz and Alex. I let Alex have the iPad to unwind from the busy day.

I made tacos for dinner.

Liz emptied the dishwasher and set the table.

I cleaned the kitchen and took out the trash.

We all ate as a family and it was a good evening.

Nightly read alouds, Bible lessons, and prayers.

I helped Liz with her Civil Air Patrol presentation. We emailed it to her so she could have it on her iPad in case something went wrong at the meeting. I also burned it to a disc.

Saturday

Aaron made steel cut oatmeal, bacon, sausage.

Alex had a teeball game and Tori had a track meet.

I took a picnic lunch.

We had homemade pizza for dinner.

We watched a movie on my laptop and the three kids fell asleep before it was over.

Liz rocked her CAP presentation.

Sunday

Aaron made a breakfast casserole.

We read our morning Bible lessons.

The girls played with Legos and wrote in their journals. They’ve been obsessed with WriteShop StoryBuilders writing prompt cards.

We had sandwiches for lunch.

Tori and Kate had a gymnastics meet.

I cleaned the kitchen when we got home.

We had grilled pork chops and cous cous for dinner.

Nightly read alouds, Bible lessons, and prayers.

It was a really long week filled a gazillion activities.

Conclusion

Overall, I think we did much better with priorities and attitudes, even though I slipped a few times with Alex.

They played with toys, colored, and helped more around the house.

I had some good conversation with Liz.

We were very busy, and most other weeks we are not, so it was an easier time to go screenfree. And the real challenge would be for both Aaron and myself to join the kids in a screenfree week!

But it was a success!

I hope to limit our screen time more this summer so we can grow in our relationships, have fun, and experience nature.

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The Dirty Dozen Apps

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January 21, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert 13 Comments

Some reality in the trenches of homeschooling and parenting.

Just because we proclaim to be Christians. Just because we teach with Bible stories and scripture. Just because we attend church and Sunday school regularly as a family.

It doesn’t mean we don’t have struggles.

I admit that I am jealous of seeing all the idyllic social media statuses and blog posts of teenagers who are doing amazing things, giving of themselves to the world, helping around the house, teaching younger siblings as role models.

We don’t really have that.

Despite all the “Raising Servant Leaders” and parenting books and webinars and blog posts and implementing this and that positive parenting method…

It seems like wishful thinking.

There’s been a gap somewhere with our eldest.

I think the breakdown began years ago, online.

It escalated last summer, with G+ communities.

When SciFi Goes Bad

I began encouraging her to have more freedom. I felt that G+ was a lesser of the social media evils.

I wasn’t ready to introduce her to Facebook. She doesn’t have a smartphone, so Instagram wasn’t an option.

She began writing for the blog and I started to teach her about blogging. I know some other bloggers whose teens are VAs in training and this was our goal.

I monitored her online use but respected her privacy. She joined some teen and homeschool communities. She circled some other homeschool teens.

She liked geeky and Sci-Fi RPG with Marvel and Doctor Who characters. I assumed this was harmless. She was writing fan fiction. All seemed well.

Her behavior became quite erratic and hormonal episodes escalated.

I figured it was the stress of moving and all the ups and downs of being in limbo, living on the road and in TLF for over a month.

I wish it had been just that. I could’ve easily handled that.

I could even handle drugs. Those are tangible monsters I can see.

The RPG groups became a portal into other worlds that I didn’t know existed (and I know about quite a lot).

If you browse the G+ teen communities, you will notice some of the images are very erotic, with girls using expressions and poses I’d rather not see.

The depravity of our society’s teens are laid out in the titles and descriptions of these communities.

The requests in these communities for hookups, Snapchat, TikTok, Tinder…all the newest apps.

I want my kids to have nothing to do with predatory technology.

This is a brave, new world.

Nothing like the hot tub chat rooms on America Online in the mid ’90s. Even at their worst, those were tame compared to the chats in these communities.

All the Google products linked to an email account are a hassle to disconnect. We had to delete several Gmail accounts to make a clean break and I have a nagging suspicion we are still drowning in uncharted waters.

We had long discussions. We prayed. We had medical checkups for endocrine levels to rule out a physical disorder. We made agreements. We compromised. We explained. There were tears.

It had become an addiction.

She still created several new online profiles without permission – with detailed imaginary information and a false image. The conversations I read when she sneaked onto my iPhone seared my eyeballs. I can’t unremember them.

We repeated the discussions and prayers.

She had absolutely no online presence whatsoever {that I know about}. Until she can heal and learn and follow some guidelines.

In the Trenches - Protect Your Kids From App and Internet Misuse

Girls are just as susceptible to pornography as boys. Be aware.

It was a downward spiral. Her defiance knew no bounds. She refused to complete schoolwork or chores. She got angry one night and ran barefoot out in the snow and refused to come in for half an hour. She wanted to be emancipated.

It was withdrawal from an online addiction.

I considered enrolling her in school to ease the stress on everyone at home. I fear potential legal consequences. The one time she attended a 6th grade math class for one week during summer at a public school, we received a visit from CPS.

But I don’t want to set her up for failure. What if she’s truant? I can’t imagine the consequences for her and me. I went back and forth, weighing the pros and cons of sending her to school. I was at my wit’s end, witnessing this tear my family apart.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

And it’s not about having more filters. It’s not about control and monitoring. It’s about relationship and discussion, working together for Internet safety. It’s about staying educated about what is popular, available, and potentially misused.

We set up a code while she learned appropriate Internet use. She asked for help learning self-control online and with screen time.

There are always dangers with Internet use. It’s up to me as a mom to be aware and diligent to protect my kids.

There are plenty of apps that are just temptation for cyber bullying and inappropriate use. People can use all the ample technology available to corrupt our children. Many of these sites link with Facebook, Twitter, and other mainstream social media. Many apps and sites are location aware and offer users anonymity. And did you know that in 2013 – 78% of teens have a cell phone, and almost half (47%) of those are smartphones! Kids are well aware and able to get around any policing apps and hack into accounts without parents knowing. There are always ways around it.

The Dirty Dozen Apps I never want my kids to use:

Many of these apps were designed for adults, for adult entertainment. Kids aren’t even supposed to use them. Some apps were supposed to be harmless communication devices that have been used inappropriately – in bullying and other cyber crimes. All technology has the potential for misuse. Just be aware of what your kids and their friends are doing online. Keep conversations open. Some of these apps are no longer available.

1. Ask.fm

A Q&A site with very questionable content. Has recently been linked to cases of cyber bullying.

2. YikYak

Location-based, within a 1.5 mile radius for anonymous gossip. Just a mess waiting to happen. No longer active.

3. Down

This is a hookup service for one-night stands. Anonymous and location-aware.

4. Omegle

Anonymous text and video chat with strangers.

5. Voxer

Location-aware chatting service. Can send group messages. No way of verifying accounts, so this is target for cyber bullying or other inappropriateness. Also watch out for Yo and WhatsApp and Oovoo.

6. Tinder

This is a location-based hookup app.

7. ChatRoulette

Combine the randomness of a game of roulette with spontaneous anonymous video chat. With this app, you don’t know who they’ll pair you with or what they might show you.

8. Vine

Make and share gifs with messaging ability. Location-aware. Anything can be searched. Monitor carefully. Mostly defunct. Check out similar issues on TikTok.

9. SnapChat

Picture messages can be sent that last only ten seconds. Opens the door for embarrassing or inappropriate photos. Receivers can take screenshots and use wherever. Also Slingshot is similar.

10. Kik

Limitless app-based texting, and photo/file sharing. Privacy settings make it difficult to see history. Many public accounts with many followers show “kik me!” in comments – scary! Links to OinkText.

11. 9GAG

Image sharing. Not moderated. Anything goes.

12. Whisper

Anonymous “confessions” that tend to be quite inappropriate. And there’s a “meetup” section.

Discuss these apps with your kids.

Know which accounts are connected and make sure personal information is not available to strangers online. Make sure they understand the dangers. “Delete” doesn’t mean permanence. Discuss possible scenarios and consequences with texting and sending images and videos. Monitor privacy settings and block strangers and bullies.

I worry my kids use Wanelo or Pinterest or Polyvore. Sites like these just create discontent and the tendency to feel “less than.” I can barely handle those feelings myself after scrolling through Pinterest, so how can I expect a tween or teen who is less mature to be able to stave off the temptation? And even the ever-popular Instagram can be misused. Check out this article and pay attention to that “Explore” option!

We also do not like Roblox or Minecraft. Anything interactive has potential problems and I have heard horror stories of kids being solicited for or stumbling upon inappropriate activity through these sites.

Be aware of what your kids are doing online.

We must be super diligent to keep them safe.

And this is not about prohibiting Internet use. It isn’t about control. My kids have lots of freedom. We have plenty of discussions about online safety. We all have lots of screentime.

Updates:

At 16 , she has social media accounts. She learned her lesson about Internet safety and talks often to her younger siblings about being safe online.

At age 18, she became an advocate for her younger siblings online and with social media.

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It’s Nothing Personal

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October 8, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

When kids misbehave, I often take it personally, like they’re consciously attacking. Is it just me?

We’ve been having an ongoing battle with our teen over the last few months.

It makes me question everything.

Everything I’ve ever said or done – and what I should’ve would’ve could’ve.

The Internet can harbor EVIL. We’re in a battle for her soul. Google+ Communities that seem harmless on the surface conceal wickedness that can suck kids and teens (and adults) in a tangled web of sin.

I prayed. I cried. I cajoled. I set limits and boundaries. I removed privileges. I deleted accounts. I set passcodes, passwords, restrictions.

Thankfully, the rules broken were not worse than they could have been.

But rules were broken. Trust is destroyed. Brittle relationships shatter.

I am saddened by so many parents going through similar circumstances. We, as good and decent Christian parents, think we’re doing all the right things. We read the right books. We pray the right prayers. We follow the right blogs. Yet our children still stray.

And I am oh, so thankful to draw this line now, a week before she turns fourteen. In a few years, I won’t have much sway over her. My influence is waning. I fight for her heart and soul now. By then, maybe she will have figured it out and decided to walk straight.

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No More TV

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September 30, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

We got rid of the TV (actually we chose to put it in storage rather than ship it to Germany). It didn’t seem worth the hassle of getting adaptors and figuring out how to connect to the German television system. And it saves money. For travel and beer and wine. Because, we’re in Europe, y’all.

No More TV - I’ve been delighted to see my kids’ imaginations really develop.

What do we do all day?!

Our days are really much like before: cooking, eating, cleaning, school lessons, more cooking, eating, cleaning, parks and playgrounds, hiking and playing, reading, chores, bedtime routines.

Because life continues despite our locale. Being a mama in Germany isn’t much different than being a mama when we lived in Utah, Hawaii, Texas, or Georgia.

I’ve been delighted to see my kids’ imaginations really develop.

Fairy traps, clover and daisy chains, lots of reading – both aloud and silently, individually and as a family, chores and helping and learning home economics, playing with educational toys, playing in bedrooms, listening to and playing music, playing board games, talking to each other, extra school lessons, research and note-taking and study skills, arts and crafts, make believe games, skits, outside play, nature study, hiking, scootering, biking, soccer (it’s called Fußball here, don’t ya know), learning German and French, field trips to interesting places – like castles and war monuments. PARIS.

We also have NO INTERNET. Still. I have to drive to the base library to use Wi-Fi and I max out my data plan on my iPhone by mid-month. Super fun.

It’s been about six months without Internet as we traveled across the country on our road trip and then over here to Germany. I’ve reevaluated my priorities and while most of you are sleeping, I am spending lots more quality time with my family than I did. I just can’t drive over to the base (almost 45 minutes away) to use the library wi-fi every time I want to post something. And all the libraries close by 7 during the week and by 5 on Fridays and the good one is closed weekends. I’m learning the limits of my iPhone, for sure. I am more a hands-free mama.

And of course during my solo trip to London over the weekend, I went wifi crazy in my hotel room and watched shows I missed, completed a single blog post (yay!), researched a few things on my neverending list, and just felt normal.

Sure, we each have an iPad and there are times when the kids play games too long, especially when it’s rainy and dreary, but they’re surprising me by choosing to do other activities much more often too. That’s unschooling, and I kinda suck at that, being the control freak that I am,

We often watch both fun and educational DVDs on the computers. The library has a great selection. We have a collection of beloved DVDs. And there’s this cool DVD rental store on base with lots of DVDs for cheapo.

We hope we get internet soon for so many reasons…and we shall resume streaming Netflix and Amazon videos.

Because I really miss Doctor Who.

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I Almost Lost Her

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June 11, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 8 Comments

We all know the tween years are tough.

It doesn’t matter the kind of school: public, private, homeschool.

It’s hard with the pressures from the outside and the changes on the inside.

I feel like those were the lost years. Literally.

I am just now realizing how close I came to almost losing my daughter.

She’s thirteen and half now and I see my little girl peeking through again lately. She laughs and is silly and her eyes twinkle again. She’s growing up and she’s super smart and the past is now a fading shadow.

For several years, she was buried down deep.

She had rough beginnings, torn between two households every other weekend and most holidays. Then, being uprooted and traveling where the Air Force sends us, homeschooling, three siblings, more responsibility than she should have for one so young.

I relied too heavily on her as my support. She was more to me than just a mother’s helper. I had no one else but her.

Having three babies and no family or friends, I expected her to help more than she should. She was too willing and able and I am ever grateful to her, but I wish I could have those years back for her.

She lost part of her childhood.

She did her schooling very independently for a couple years. I was busy, busy, busy with a baby and two toddlers. She liked playing computer games. I was a lazy mother with her, thinking she was fine, that she was doing well. I was so stressed and barely hanging on.

We were in survival mode.

When I asked her about some things, she fought me and dug her heels in. She became quiet and aloof. She didn’t want to eat. She was irritable. She was depressed.

Her Latin assignments weren’t completed and most lessons were done poorly. We started over but then mostly she gave up. She got “fired” from piano class for not completing the lessons or practicing. She refused to complete science experiments. She lost interest in many things she used to love.

I didn’t know what was wrong or what to do.

No one tells you that those computer parenting controls and services often don’t monitor chats or instant messaging.

(At least the service we had then did nothing to block Yahoo Messenger.)

For her protection and privacy, I won’t go into details.

Two months can cause damage that lasts years.

The ripples affected too much.

Predators are everywhere and this is why our children have no social media and we very, very closely monitor email and all online activity. Computers stay in the main rooms with screens facing out so I can see – at all times. Emails are filtered through our accounts. My husband receives every single email and can preview them. Chat and messaging are disabled.

We always said it wouldn’t happen to us. We were so diligent. We checked histories and installed parental control programs. We had Internet contracts and talked openly about dangers online.

I almost lost her.

We didn’t go to counseling. We didn’t involve our church or the FBI. We probably handled the whole thing really poorly and made it worse. But I don’t think we overreacted. We put our electronics on lockdown. Settings are restricted and long complicated passwords block the kids from making changes on their iPads. We blocked YouTube completely.

God can and will redeem those lost months. I am gradually rebuilding my relationship with my daughter. She is reemerging a lovely young lady who delights in so much like she used to. She’s healing and moving on. We all are.

I love seeing my daughter again. I missed her so much.

We’re still in a battle for her soul. Please pray.

We are very concerned about G+ communities. Just doing an innocent search of “teen” and up pops all sorts of porn communities where teens are sucked into an ugly, evil world. Too many apps have potential for misuse. And I don’t think it’s right to allow children under age 13 to have social media accounts. Who cares if their peers don’t think they’re cool?

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