Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Lessons from Quarantine

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I didn’t even realize my normal introverted stay-at-home-homeschooling lifestyle was called “quarantine” until people started having real meltdowns on social media about being forced to stay home, work from home, not eat out, not socializing with friends at bars, restaurants, parties, etc.

People seem to really not like their kids, cooking at home, staying home, or walking in nature.

For years, everyone has underestimated my desire to stay home. I’m an introvert and I’m tired of apologizing for my simple lifestyle.

Schools are canceled. College classes are canceled. Churches are closed. Restaurants and stores are closed. Sports are canceled. Libraries and other fun places we would occasionally go to are closed. The kids’ gymnastics and ice skating lessons are canceled.

Very little of this really affects me but I’m trying so hard to empathize with people who are upset about it all. I am amazed at how well my kids handle disappointment and I’m sometimes struggling.

While I understand these times are hard for extroverts like my teen daughter, we can adjust and help each other through this.

What can we learn from quarantine?

Let us live in hope of a better day.

Lessons from Quarantine

Love Your Neighbor.

I’m very concerned by people who are living in denial that this virus is dangerous and deadly. I’m concerned about people who are still traveling and vacationing.

I’m worried about the people who can’t get their needs met – the people laid off, unable to work, immunocompromised, starving children, abusive families, those with mental illness.

The economy is surely hurting and will take a while to recover. Perhaps this is the time our leaders can rethink how wealth is distributed and what programs should be in place as societal safety nets.

I love seeing people offering to help others – by picking up groceries or however people need help. All the online threads with GoFundMe and payment apps to help pay bills. As long as it’s not caremongering – posturing and flashy “look at me and all the good I’m doing!” Performance-based-Christianity is a virus itself.

But it’s sad we weren’t more prepared as a nation and world. May we come out on the other side of this with new perspective in how to serve others.

Many church leaders are posting mini services and prayer chains on social media. They offer hope and connection to those who are anxious and scared.

We’re all learning how to love and it’s so, so sad to still see hate, exclusion, blame, and negativity out there.

Boundaries.

While I’m used to being at home with my kids all day, every day…the mental load of realizing that we shouldn’t go out and all our extracurricular courses are cancelled and no one can play or socialize with friends is still very hard.

I’m not really much of a rule maker, but I have to institute some boundaries to make sure we don’t regress into chaos since weekends aren’t anything anymore. I’ve never really stressed about screentime, but I will not have disrespectful attitudes.

My almost twenty year old daughter is struggling with having her freedom sucked away. I do get it. It’s difficult for a fledgling adult to have her wings clipped and it’s not her fault. Her anxiety is running rampant. Her college classes were canceled for the whole semester and everything is online and she doesn’t do well with that education model. She has a part-time job at a local bank and she’s at least able to work a few days a week at their drive-thru (the inside bank is closed) when many cannot work. It hurts me that she would prefer greasy fast food instead of our home cooked meals. I will not have her treating her young siblings like her peers, showing them inappropriate Tik Tok videos, Instagram, or Snapchat, and wanting to watch unsuitable films and shows with them.

There have been lectures, slamming doors, angry texts, and rolling eyes. It’s really hard to be a gentle parent sometimes. I’m not sure what to do or say since it all seems wrong.

My husband works from home most evenings and weekends while still going to work Monday-Friday 7-5. He’s a military medical lab manager and it’s stressful everywhere in the medical communities right now. I’m feeling sometimes like I did when he was deployed. He’s here, but he’s not really here.

Sometimes, I really just want to be alone for an hour – in my home office, on the deck, in the bathroom. In silence.

Simplicity.

I like the simple life.

We cook all our meals at home. Restaurant closures don’t affect us at all since we rarely dine out and rarely get takeout and never delivery. I’ve never used a meal delivery service and I don’t plan to start. I’m concerned for food service industry and their jobs and well-being more than my lack of ability to get prepared or precooked food.

We’ve been striving to get debt-free for years and we are getting pretty close. Our investments took a hit as I’m sure many others have noticed. We’re not especially worried since we’re in that for the long haul.

I’m not much of a shopper. I mean I order tons of things online for our homeschool and when the kids ask for something (and they rarely ask for anything!). But I really loathe going inside stores. I don’t care about fashion or accessories or jewelry or makeup. I love seeing the beautiful regular people using this time to show us their tutorials online though.

Of course it’s easier not to spend money and pay off debts when there’s nowhere to go and no one to visit. There’s no point in buying anything.

We read Deuteronomy 15 along with history read aloud of the 2008-09 housing crash and that really was interesting in light of current events. Perhaps we really need a Jubilee?

We’ve been cleaning and purging for spring. Making much needed updates and repairs that have been on our list for ages. We just bought our house!

We read lots. That doesn’t change. We’re bingeing dystopian film and books too!

We do lots of creative things like art, crafts, jewelry…

We play Legos, board games, Switch and Wii, iPads…

We evaluate our priorities and lifestyle all the time and continue to simplify.

Going Outside.

I’m seeing so many more people outside – walking, running, skating, biking, with dogs. They mostly keep a good distance and wave or call hello. It’s pleasant and I hope it continues.

The outdoors aren’t closed or canceled except when they’re getting swamped with people not following the distancing rules.

We love nature and the outdoors and we still do our almost daily walks around our pond and hike off in the woods in our backyard. We play in our driveway and yard.

We love seeing the blossoms and buds that are new each day as the seasons change. We watch the birds and squirrels. We await the new babies.

The warmer weather and sunshine are very welcome.

Making Memories.

We’re pretty doing the same things we’ve always done.

Our life is mostly unchanged.

I wonder what memories we will have of this time in the years to come… What will our kids tell their children? What will history say of us?

We baked brownies and breads, learned how to perfect homemade pasta, had more meals with our families, bought bidets during the great tissue shortage, and shared more of our lives online with our neighbors, friends, and family.

Sometimes, we have to go offline and protect our anxious minds. Perhaps we can grow from this time of rest.

Maybe we’re understanding what community means.

We’re learning what love means in a time of crisis.

How are you passing the time?

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A Decade Later

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So much has happened in ten years.

We lived in Hawaii for three years. We explored Oahu, Maui, and The Big Island.

My husband adopted my daughter.

I was pregnant with my son.

We were and still are shifting to gentler, more respectful parenting, constantly reevaluating methods and learning.

I’ve homeschooled our four kids for over fifteen years now. I’ve come full circle in my educational and religious beliefs after exploring so many options, many of which were very harmful to me and my family.

We’re a military family. We moved from Hawaii to Utah to Germany to Ohio.

Looking back over the last decade, I realize there are few photos of me since I’m usually the one behind the camera.

I rarely take selfies. We rarely get family photos. My kids don’t have a record of me in pictures.

This picture was taken in fall 2016.

Here’s a photo of me in the same outfit in May 2019.

It’s a bit of a glow up. I feel more confident and healthy.

It’s been an adventure for sure.

I’m trying to do better to ask my family to snap photos of me, preferably when I don’t have my mouth full.

I’ve changed quite a bit in the last decade, especially the last couple years. I think I’ve improved. I’m never content with a status quo. I’m constantly growing.

If we are not regularly deeply embarrassed by who we are, the journey to self-knowledge hasn’t begun.

Alain de Botton

Self Improvement

Health

I lost 20+ pounds the last couple years.

I’m not concerned with weight as a number. I’m not concerned with aging gracefully. I just want to be healthy.

The first picture is the heaviest I ever was, not pregnant. I weighed in at about 175. I didn’t feel good. My knees hurt. I felt tired all the time. I was too sedentary. I didn’t eat well. I didn’t exercise enough or correctly. I was depressed. I needed to jumpstart my metabolism.

I have no medical complications or issues. Thank God.

I take supplements that work for me. Glutathione and progesterone before bed. B vitamins and evening primrose in the mornings.

I massage castor oil into my hands, scalp, and thighs probably weekly.

I drink lots of water.

I only have 2-3 cups of caffeine each day. I have found I do better with tea than coffee.

I pray and meditate every day.

I try to go outside every day.

I don’t have social media on my smartphone or iPad.

I will say that I seldom have joint pain now and I feel happier and more energetic.

Food

I try to eat real foods.

I happen to really like almost all foods. I have no allergies or sensitivities.

Food has no morality.

Fiber and good fat is really important. I add collagen, chia, and flax to my smoothies.

I splurge and sometimes get takeout from Raising Cane’s. I actually seldom eat out. I drink a beer or glass of wine with dinners on weekends.

I don’t like this idea of “cheat days” or “being good” by eating more veggies or the idea that veganism will save the world.

I know sugar isn’t good for me and causes health problems, so I do try to limit my refined sugar intake.

I really like bread.

I eat mostly what I want, what I like, when I’m hungry. Sometimes, that means coffee at brunchtime and a sensible dinner. I suppose it’s intermittent fasting, but I just eat when I want to, not when society tells me to.

I teach my kids that balance and moderation is key.

Exercise

I do HIIT workouts about three times a week.

I had physical therapy for my knee last year and I continue to practice what I learned with my exercise ball, balance trainer, kettle weight, and hip band.

Here’s how I maintain my health. It’s not all about exercise and eating!

Everyone is different. I’m not competing with anyone but myself.

I try to walk outside 1-3 miles every evening after dinner. If I don’t get my walk in, I don’t feel well and I don’t sleep well. This is my down time to destress and listen to the birds and wind. It calms me. I get to think and work through problems or issues or conversations.

Rest

Rest is so, so, so important.

I try to not be too busy. I like being peaceful and not rushed.

Life happens.

Even good stress can affect us physically and mentally.

When I’m stressed, I get bloated. I don’t sleep well. I feel anxious. It’s a vicious cycle.

Moving every 3 or so years is stressful. Cats get sick. Finances get wonky. Car accidents or repairs that can’t be avoided. I take extra care during stressful life events.

I try not to overschedule the kids so we don’t have to hurry and we can almost always have dinner together.

We have leisurely mornings over breakfast. We do reading. I do work while they complete their lessons. We watch shows or run errands. Evenings are for sports, dinner, walking, more reading, prayers.

Learning

I am constantly reading. I love to read books about parenting, education, religion, psychology, politics, history, historical and speculative fiction.

I have stacks of books on my shelves and tables and oodles of Kindle editions. I get books from the library if I can.

I like to read articles about my many topics of interest. These often lead to more books from their bibliography and source notes and quotations.

Learning is very important to me. I want to keep up with everything. I want to fill in the gaps in my lackluster Georgia public school education.

My aunt and several elderly female cousins had Alzheimer’s and I worry about my parents and my husband and myself.

I am learning about anti-racism and how to counter prejudice and stereotypes. What can we do to improve our society and eliminate the wealth and class gaps?

I dream of a better future for all of us.

I’m constantly reevaluating my priorities as my family and I grow and change.

I don’t have a Word for the year. I don’t really do resolutions. I constantly try to improve and become who I am supposed to be. I want to exude love and kindness and teach my family what that should look like.

What are your priorities?

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Ashamed

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We aren’t born ashamed.

We have to learn how to be ashamed.

And then we shame others so we don’t feel alone.

Our culture thrives on shame.

I think we have to remember constantly that shaming is one of the deepest tools of Imperialist White Supremacist Capitalist patriarchy because shame produces trauma and trauma often produces paralysis.

bell hooks

Parents are told to shame their children into behaving. Teachers shame students in class to conform. Peers shame each other and it’s considered normal, but it’s really bullying. And when they grow up, these adults bully and shame others to keep control.

We feel guilty when we do something wrong.

We feel ashamed when we believe that we are bad.

I don’t dance.

I used to dance.

I first took lessons when I was in first grade.

I loved ballet and tap. I loved the pink and black practice suits and the recital costumes. I loved the music and the counting and the French words and the practicing and the barre with the stretches. I could point my toes in a perfect arch and suck in the dimples on my buttocks to please my teacher.

I love watching musicals and ballets – live and on TV…the pretty costumes and twirling and how easy it looks.

My parents couldn’t or wouldn’t pay for dance lessons after a year. I was heartbroken. I begged every year to be re-enrolled, but they didn’t take me seriously or couldn’t afford it until I was 12. The studio really didn’t have beginner courses for anyone as old as I was, so I was placed in a class for adults who just wanted the exercise. It was embarrassing. I was good and I was placed in the recital with other dancers my age. I could’ve possibly moved on to pointe the next year or so, but I was too ashamed to continue when I was awkward, lanky, developing. I hadn’t danced for so long and I felt so behind my peers.

I quit dancing and I still regret it.

That feeling of shame rears its hot face even now that I’m older. My husband loves to dance and he used to teach lessons. I don’t even want to dance with him in the privacy of my living room. Ballroom dance and contemporary dance are very different from ballet, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I love to watch him dance with the kids and teach them the classic moves.

The only thing that should ever make a child feel small is the great expanse of Mother Nature.

Nicolette Sowder

Shame isn’t an easy thing to ignore or overcome.

Shame permeates our society.

I’ve been bullied and shamed in parenting circles, at work, in church…it’s like an epidemic or an addiction. People think shame is normal.

We are taught with shame at home, in schools, and in churches.

Brené Brown poses the question of why people feel so disconnected from each other, and she answers it with a very simple response: Shame. Shame, she believes, is the culprit: “I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn’t understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame.” (Brown 2010)

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can think of a whole number of other reasons that people experience deep wells of fear, alienation, and disconnection from one another: racism, ableism, homoantagonism, transantagonism, fatphobia, classism, ethnocentrism, poverty, white supremacy, the tyranny of normalcy, unequal distribution of wealth, violence, warfare, the prison-industrial complex, the disability gulag, anti-Semitism, Islamophobia, sexism, and binarism. Just to name a few.

Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg

Shame at Home

Almost all the parenting books, blogs, experts teach shame.

We’re supposed to punish, cajole, bribe, humiliate, ridicule, coerce, abuse our kids into “proper” behavior.

I feel this idea of being shamed into obedience is even worse in Christian circles. There is this idea of a sin/shame cycle that must be beaten (literally or verbally) out of children.

At home, I was hit, belittled, told I was stupid and worthless. My parents thought negative conditioning would create in me a desire to improve. But, actually, it creates dissonance and a feeling of helplessness. Eventually, I began to believe I was stupid and worthless.

My interests weren’t important. I was ridiculed for loving art, music, literature – mere hobbies that wouldn’t offer a well-paying career.

I stopped trying in school about 11th grade. I almost failed algebra II and chemistry. I skipped classes. I didn’t see any point to any of it.

Shame in School

Schools rely on a shame model to produce compliant students.

I lived most of my school days in fear.

Fear of punishment, fear of humiliation, fear of being called on, fear of hearing my name, fear of stepping out of line.

My first grade teacher put a BIG RED X beside my name because I knew how to write it in cursive and we weren’t supposed to know that yet and she didn’t want me to show off.

But the BIG RED X seemed to symbolize a negation of my whole identity.

Teachers often seem to single out students who are different, bullying them just like kids. I’ve witnessed minority kids ridiculed. I’ve witnessed girls shamed. Schools are racist and sexist.

I saw these things as a student and as a teacher.

Of course, there’s the whole body shaming of girls.

I changed in a bathroom stall for PE in middle school and high school. I was skinny, but never had the desirable flat or toned abs. Someone once told me that my tummy wouldn’t be so noticeable if I had boobs. That didn’t help.

I also didn’t want to be singled out for having the highest grade in science when I was in 9th grade. I quietly asked the teacher to stop praising me in front of the class since I was getting teased by classmates. I was dumbing myself down to be popular. I didn’t do well in science after that year, perhaps on purpose or more likely, subconsciously.

Girls are silenced and shamed by boys, teachers, administrators, parents…and other girls.

Far from production as an ideal, it was consumption that had to be encouraged. School had to train in consumption habits: listening to others, moving on a bell or horn signal without questioning, becoming impressionable—more accurately, gullible—in order to do well on tests. Kids who insisted on producing their own lives had to be humiliated publicly as a warning to others.

 Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto

Shame in Church

The Christian church relies on shaming to keep members submissive.

Children are taught the sin model from parents, leaders, teachers, pastors.

There’s nowhere positive to go from there. What’s the point if you’re destined for a life of sin and eternal damnation? Different denominations teach different methods of salvation: say a little prayer, confess, flagellation, communion, accountability partners, fasting. Some preach that certain people are predestined, so it doesn’t matter what you do anyway.

It’s all outward appearance and makes us feel more ashamed for our failures, real or imagined.

At a Lent planning meeting at the church we used to attend, a deacon crossed my name off the children’s learning time and said she didn’t need me to do that. She acted like she was doing me a favor, releasing me from duty, but I know she just likes control and doing it all.

I felt like I was back in first grade, even if she didn’t use a red pen.

I’ve never gone back to a planning meeting nor am I really involved at all at church anymore.

We stopped going to church. 

And they are both of them naked, the man and woman, and they are not ashamed of themselves. Genesis 2:25

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves. Genesis 3:7

Why did Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness only after they sinned?

Chabad

Shame Online

I’m glad we didn’t have social media until I was an adult. I don’t think I could’ve handled the cyber bullying and humiliation I see every day online.

We monitor the apps our daughters use closely. I really limit my social media time because it depresses me.

I’m glad we homeschool, so I don’t think we experience it as much, but my eldest was bullied a few years ago within our homeschool community and online and it was ugly.

Some people are just always itching for a fight and I don’t want to engage.

People hide behind their avatars, screens, keyboards…anonymous. It’s easier for them to spew their hatred at people who don’t share their views.

We like to be noticed, named, not forgotten or dismissed.

I try to be very careful how I speak to my children and spouse. Of course, I fail miserably very often, but I try to make amends.

I don’t want to humiliate, shame, or ridicule anyone. I know too well how that feels. Words can hurt.

When have you felt ashamed?

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Words have the power to normalize or devastate children.

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Stepping Stones

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I don’t sugarcoat or make small talk.

I’m a straight shooter and people apparently find that intimidating.

I know who I am and what I want.

So…I struggle making friends.

I don’t have any.

Perhaps this is a season that will pass.

Maybe I’m just always on a stepping stone to somewhere else.

I’m always on the lookout for like-minded weirdos, but there always seems to be some hindrance to that.

We move around a lot.

Sometimes the hindrance is me.

I know I have issues.

But sometimes?

The hindrance is sometimes totally on someone else.

It’s important to be able to discern it.

Once you reach age 40, maybe you should have more of your shit together. You’ve had plenty of time and resources for self-loathing, therapy, grief, addiction recovery, getting to know yourself, parenting (even if you have to re-parent yourself), whatever you’ve dealt with. I’m really sorry about all of it, but I dealt with a lot of it too.

I understand your façade of a perfectionistic, yourwayorthehighway cold-hearted bitch hides your falling apart life, but I will not get into it with you over which hymn we should sing on Palm Sunday. It’s just not worth the argument. I will still smile and shake your hand during greeting time at church. And I like your boots.

I can overlook a lot, so much. I can smile and be friendly. But if you have severe unresolved personal issues? Then I don’t want to friend you on Facebook and have you stalk me online. I don’t want to have coffee or a meal with you. I don’t want to sit through a planning meeting with you. I don’t want to share responsibility on some committee with you. I don’t want my kids in a situation where you’re an authority figure over them.

“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” ~ Ross Caligiuri, Dreaming in the Shadows

These are things I realize:

A lot of people are lonely.

We live in a society where we’re all connected online, but we don’t know the name of our neighbors on our street. Coworkers are just acquaintances. The people we see in church each week are just a handshake.

We’re isolated by busyness. We make sure we don’t have time to slow down enough to think about our pain. Or joy. No one wants to feel emotions.

We don’t have any role models who show us how to be friends.

Our parents all worked full time and were busy too. Many of us are from broken homes. We were latchkey kids.

We were taught to fear and never trust others. Stranger danger! Don’t talk to people online!

That’s the only people I talk to!

We think stress, anxiety, depression are normal.

We try to hide our loneliness with stuff.

We constantly try to fill that hole with food, drugs, alcohol, shoes, scrapbooking, diets, throwing the kids into a gazillion after-school and weekend and summer break activities…

Friendliness is misconstrued as manipulation. We overthink it. Why are they smiling? Is something in my teeth? What do they want?

There’s a difference between loneliness and solitude and most people can’t handle healthy solitude. Or silence.

There’s a lot of unnecessary judgment.

Some judgment is healthy.

We need to judge the right moment to cross a busy street. We need to judge whether it’s cardi temperature or if we need a heavier jacket.

We need to discern right from wrong in many gray areas.

Judging others because of their clothing choices or their car or their Christmas decorations can hinder friendship. It’s silly.

Except the 25-foot Rudolph in the front yard across the street. That’s scary.

We’re all trying so hard to impress others with the wrong things for the wrong reasons that we miss out on so much.

It’s harder to understand tone and meaning online. Everything typed comes across as harsher, more sarcastic, cold.

Putting LOL or JK or an emoji after a mean, condescending, or judgy comment doesn’t make it better.

It’s still rude. 

And we’re all so good not recognizing our own sins or hangups.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

What about toxicity?

We are called to judge immoral behavior within the church.

Let that sink in a moment.

We are not called to judge outsiders or unbelievers.

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. 1 Corinthians 5:12-13

If you have a problem with someone, discuss it in love and in private.

Three strikes, you’re out though.

Don’t make room for toxicity in your life. I don’t have room or time for it.

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established.  If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you. Matthew 18:15-17

It’s hard to balance on that fence of healthy and unhealthy judgment.

Sometimes, we’re awkward.

I’m usually very awkward, especially around new people.

I kinda embrace my awkwardness now. My foot and mouth are intimately acquainted no matter how hard I try to be tactful. I’m just not graceful.

Lots of people have anxiety or awkwardness.

I try to discern whether someone is being really rude or if they’re just awkward. I really hate that whole “trying to have a conversation with someone and they’re constantly looking over your shoulder for someone else better.” That’s just rude.

Greeting time at church is a nightmare for me as an introvert. I avoid a lot of events with crowds or stick to being a wallflower.

I think it’s also true that we worry so much about what others think and they’re worrying so much about what others think that we’re not thinking about each other at all.

We all experience seasons.

Sometimes we’re more social or need to be alone or life circumstances bring us together or pull us apart.

People going through similar circumstances like to do that together.

I wouldn’t really know.

I never succeeded with pregnancy groups, MOPS, mom meetups, military wives clubs, or weight loss meetings.

I’m a leader.

I’m a teacher.

I’m a midnight thinker.

I have taught classes on single motherhood, finances, parenting, natural living, Sunday school.

I’m not a joiner.

I’m not a good student. Mostly because there are so few good teachers.

I don’t like meetings, lectures, or effing parties where I’m expected to buy jewelry, leggings, kitchen tools, sex toys, or essential oils.

It’s always been hard for me to fit in.

I guess we don’t fit a certain stereotype. We have 4 kids. We’re a military family. We homeschool. I’m liberal and progressive.

I cringe a lot when all people want to talk about are crappy TV shows or teen novels.

And I don’t do small talk.

small talk: polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters or any transactions ~wiki

We’ve all experienced suffering.

This can be an alienating situation or it can bring us together.

Maybe it’s a terminal illness.

Injury.

Surgery.

Chronic illness.

Disability.

Maybe the stress of having a special needs child.

Broken relationships.

Toxicity.

Infidelity.

Divorce.

Abuse. Assault. PTSD.

Addiction.

Abortion.

Suicide.

Mental illness.

Sexuality.

The list goes on and on.

And you know? What I’ve suffered is no worse to me than what you’ve suffered is to you.

It’s not a contest as to who has suffered more or worse.

We’re all in this together.

The church is a house for the broken. It is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. ~Abigail Van Buren

People of faith are nurses, doctors, counselors…and patients – wherever they go.

With arms wide open.

It takes a lot of effort to be a real friend.

Sometimes the next stepping stone seems so far away.

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Advice to My Younger Self

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I often wish someone had offered suggestions to us as a young family when we struggled for balance.

I didn’t have mentors at all. We knew we wanted a different lifestyle than our parents, peers, siblings, friends.

We didn’t know where to start to streamline our schedules and get the most bang for our buck.

We had to make our own way, lots of mistakes, and lean on each other for the last 14 years. We’re still learning!

It’s often so much newness that you don’t stop to think about the stress.

Finishing up college or grad school, getting married or moving in, new jobs, beginning or changing a career, having babies.

These are all wonderful, exciting things…but they’re also very high on the stress index.

We often don’t stop to realize how all these amazing opportunities and changes stress us out even though we think we’re happy.

It’s important to have a good support network, rely on and trust your spouse, and have a good foundation about your values, priorities, and needs.

I’m 43 now and looking back, I’ve learned a lot from life and…

I have some advice for my younger self.

I should have taken better care of me – my physical and mental health. It’s important and I’m paying the price now. Is this what a mid-life crisis look like?

No one really cares what you look like. Don’t worry so much about it. Wear what you want, what’s comfortable. Do whatever to your hair and makeup. Stretch marks and laugh lines are battle scars. Be yourself.

Speak up. No one knows what you’re feeling or thinking if you don’t tell them. Don’t play childish guessing games.

There is no us and them. We’re all in this together. 

5 Areas to Address for Success:

1. Marriage

No name calling, ever.

The only time you should use the words “dummy” or “fool” is when you’re talking about puppets or pudding desserts, respectively. Focus on positive and nonviolent language, even when you’re angry.

Work together as a team.

It’s easy to get lazy and not be as courteous to our spouses as we should be. “Equality” means different things to different couples. Some do their own laundry separately or one cooks and the other does the dishes. If it works, then by all means, continue. But don’t be petty or waste time, money, and energy when it could be more helpful and efficient to work together or help each other out on something. Use gifts, talents, and interests well.

Communicate.

The 3 biggest issues in most marriages are sex, money, and parenting. Most disagreements, misconceptions, arguments, and misunderstandings involve one of these three topics.

Get over your embarrassments, inhibitions, issues, and baggage…and learn how to discuss your needs, desires, wants, and expectations about these things.

The marriage checklist listed in this article is a great place to fill in some gaps.

My favorite marriage book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Money

I don’t like the term “budget” because it’s so narrow and constricting. Most of us are a little flexible and don’t spend the exact same amount on categories each pay period. Using the term “spending plan” is much more accurate for most of us. We’re not disciplined enough to use cash envelopes each month for categories, but I hear it’s successful for some. I think most of us pay bills online and use our check cards for other purchases. Obviously, that requires keeping on top of purchases and receipts, and communicating with your partner.

I use an Excel spreadsheet to track our expenses each month.

If there are separate accounts, make sure to communicate about who is responsible for what. We have a separate account just for our rent and car payment. I have a separate account for all my writing, but it barely breaks even.

Know your income. Know the salary at your job. Make sure to getting what you’re owed. Check pay stubs and make corrections. Get the most income by adjusting withholding for taxes at places of employment. No need to lend that money to the government to get a big tax return. Most of us would rather have that little bit more each paycheck.

Insurance. Research the best options for your family’s needs. Everyone needs affordable health insurance. Shop around for the best auto and renters or homeowners insurance for your situation. And update as your frequently as your lifestyle changes.

Investments. As soon as possible, invest in Roth IRAs and max those babies out. We’re not even there yet. We’ve never been able to max them out. We do have 529s for our 4 kids. That’s a great way to help kids begin their adult lives debt-free, with no student loans!

Debt. List all debt and be honest with yourself. Student loans. Car payments. Child support and alimony. List minimum payments and due dates in order.

Food. This is often a HUGE expense and can be curtailed with some planning. See info about “meals” below.

Gas. This can be a big expense. The USA is a huge gas guzzling empire, and cars are everywhere.  Most towns and cities aren’t built for bicycles or pedestrians. Public transportation is minimal and unreliable in most places. If possible, limit your family to one car and plan well – carpooling, limiting errands to 1 or 2 days a week, bicycling and walking more. It cuts down on expenses and pollution.

Miscellaneous. There’s always something, right? We have to be aware of regular expenses and plan for emergencies. Know when car tags are due and put that on your spreadsheet. Spring is a big time for our family’s birthdays. Autumn comes with new curriculum and school supplies and clothes. Summer camps and rec sports for kids can really add up. Holidays can often make for surprises. We don’t give greeting cards anymore and we limit gift-giving.

3. Meals

Prepping and planning. It took me years to develop a good system and I still sometimes struggle.

I try to limit waste and plan meals around store sales and coupons on shopping apps.

Sure, we get bored and have to mix it up sometimes.

We sometimes throw a plan out the window for holidays and celebrations.

We seldom eat out, which saves money. We make our food from scratch which is healthier and more satisfying for us. We don’t like a lot of processed, pre-packaged foods.

Shopping. I tend to shop weekly at Kroger and/or Walmart.

About once a month, I do a big haul at Costco and/or the commissary.

I price compare and keep track of where the better deals are.

I buy bacon, sausage, and cat litter at the commissary.

Cooking. Someone has to make dinner. Every day.

I feel it’s important to have dinner together as a family every night, if possible.

As the kids get older, they help so much with meals and it’s great for us to all to work together.

I often prep and my husband grills.

Occasionally, I serve the kids earlier and have a nicer meal and movie night with my husband.

4. House

Maintenance. Whether it’s an apartment, rental house, or you own your own home, regular maintenance is important. We’ve always rented homes, but we try to stay proactive and let the homeowner know when and if items need repair. We replace filters on time, we keep everything clean, and we maintain the yard and grounds regularly.

Decoration. We are frugal and simple with seasonal and regular home decor. It took me years to find a home style I feel comfortable with that isn’t overwhelming. I’m still evolving and since we move every few years, it allows for some fun updates. 

Organization. Everything in its place. If you have to buy storage for your stuff, you have too much stuff. With four growing kids, we had so much stuff for so many years. As they grow and don’t need so much, it’s so refreshing to donate or sell items as they outgrow toys, clothes, and homeschool materials.

5. Children

Discipline. It’s important for spouses to be on the same page about how to raise children.

Chores. Kids really want to help, so let them.

Activities. Less is more. We’ve had seasons of overscheduling and find it’s better for each child to have one extracurricular activity at a time. We do family art lessons and each child has a seasonal or recreational sport.

Day care/Babysitting. Day care is just so expensive. We made a hard choice for me to stay home with the kids to save money and not outsource them to someone else to raise.

While we had a season when we hired babysitters so we could socialize, I regret that now that it didn’t really help our family grow personally or spiritually.

School. There are lots of options for education. Public, private, religious, charter, homeschool. Each has its pros and cons and your family has to make the tough decision how you want your kids educated. And it can even change from year to year, season to season, or with different kids.

We tried homeschooling and never looked back. It was an easy choice for us with moving around so frequently. It allowed so much more freedom for our family to travel and learn how we want.

Religion. Even if it’s not important or an issue for you and your spouse, kids will most likely bring this up at some point. It’s better to have a response in mind beforehand than to have to scramble and stumble with ill-conceived explanations. Know what you believe and why so you can explain, teach, and guide your kids. They will have questions. Don’t be embarrassed or shame them if you don’t know the answers. Find out together.

Setting Goals for the Future:

Sometimes, this is really hard and life throws really fast curveballs.

We’ve had our fair share of struggles and setbacks. We’ve lived through tragedies and adventures we never imagined or planned for and here we are, living to tell about it.

I often think about these things, dream about it, and set goals:

1 year

Where do I want to be a year from now?

Sometimes, we know we’re going to PCS and I make plans for our new location.

I research our homeschool activities and curriculum.

I consider our debt and finances and plan better. 

My eldest is beginning college and will probably move into a dorm.

3 years

What dreams do I have for 3 years from now?

I consider what my kids will be doing in our homeschool. 

My eldest might be finishing college and starting her career.

My middle girls will be high school age. What do I want that to look like?

5 years

What do we want 5 years from now?

We’re getting close to my husband’s retirement. Where do we want to live? What other job does he want?

My son will be our last child at home. What will his high school years look like?

How can I support my middle girls in their higher education?

What will our relationship look like with my eldest daughter?

10 years

What do I want our family to look like in 10 years?

What am I doing right now to ensure my kids are friends as adults?

How will we juggle relationships with four adult kids who might live all over the world?

How am I managing our finances for our future comfort?

How can I care for my aging parents?

It’s important to set goals and reevaluate your family’s needs at different life stages.

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Breaking the Cycle of Negativity

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When I can’t offer grace to myself, I can’t offer grace to others.

I must overcome my hurts and negativity to allow my children to make their own decisions and become resilient.

I have authoritarian parents. I had no voice. I kept my opinions and emotions to myself. I was the poster child for “seen and not heard.” I was naturally quiet and observant.

I grew up in a time when I went to school and then played outside until the streetlights came on. During school breaks and summers, I played outside from sunup until sundown, grabbing lunch, snacks, and drinks at anyone’s house who would have me.

But I went through my childhood and youth in a fog.

Most of my memories are negative.

I remember punishments. I remember being snapped at, complained about, ridiculed, humiliated, smacked, switched, spanked, pushed, yelled at, and isolated in my room.

I remember being told I was worthless when my grades weren’t “good enough” because my “only job was to go to school.”

My interests in art, music, and literature were ridiculed as stupid and worthless towards a good career. I was told I should go to college for business or computers, which were not my interests at all.

I was always a disappointment.

The first few years of my marriage I had PTSD.

I lived in survival mode. I could barely cope with daily activities. Without constant reminders from my parents of how worthless and disappointing I was, I became self-destructive. My inner monologue reminded me all the time.

I couldn’t accept my husband’s affection. I couldn’t trust him (I still struggle).

It only exacerbated the situation that we moved out of state twice, I had to quit my job, began homeschooling my eldest daughter, both my husband’s parents suddenly passed away, and I gave birth to my middle two daughters during that time.

Living away from my parents forced me to confront my issues and seek healing.

It took me about 10 years to start to feel healthy.

My relationship with my parents is a rocky road.

My parents visited us in Utah, mid-May 2011, while my husband was deployed.

My son had just turned one. My middle girls were preschoolers. My eldest was the only one who even really knew my parents.

They stayed in a hotel nearby and graced us with their presence about lunchtime while disrupting our schedule and constantly telling my children to go play in the basement while they sat on the sofa to read the newspaper they brought with them.

I would sit awkwardly in a chair, not sure what to say or do. My heart broke for my children, who were confused.

I was torn between being a daughter and a mother.

It was a miserable few days until they had a tantrum and returned home early.

I received a handwritten letter in the mail a few days after that.

In the letter, my father told me what a horrible mother I was, that I should spank my terrible, ill-mannered children.

So he basically brutally criticized me for not parenting like him.

My kids are great kids. Their eating and resting schedule had been disrupted and they were confused by having virtual strangers in our house and they didn’t know what to expect. They were treated like burdens.

I still have that letter.

A few years later, we visited my parents before leaving for Germany. I figured since they’re in their 70s, I would regret not spending time with them if something happened while we were overseas.

We stayed with them for 11 stressful days.

One day, we went out to a local BBQ place for lunch. My husband ordered and paid for everything and I suggested to my mom and my kids to go find a booth to sit and wait. When we brought the food to the table, my mom literally snatched stuff and snapped at my eldest daughter to give her the food. She acted like a starving person. She acted so selfishly that my kids looked at me with wide, scared eyes, not knowing how to react or what to do. I look back and wonder if she thought she was getting out of the way so my kids could have the rest, but none of us saw it that way. We just do things so differently. We serve our kids first and then take the rest, if there is any. We would have bought more if it had not been enough.

I realize my mother suffers her own demons.

During that same week, my father had promised my son that he would take him to his barber for a haircut and they would have an afternoon out to themselves and maybe get ice cream. Well, my dad had a tantrum and left by himself without informing anyone and got his own haircut and was gone a really long time. It was so heartbreaking to see my son confused and hurt.

I realize my father suffers his own demons.

It was a peaceful time in Germany, for the most part. I read and grew and learned a lot about myself.

We stayed with my parents again for just a few days upon returning from Germany. It was a little bit better this time. We recently moved to Ohio.

My parents promised multiple times to help pay for my eldest daughter’s college education, but they lied and said they never promised that – even though my daughter, husband, and I all remember these promises. They said they would help, but when we told them the price of her tuition in September and December, they hemmed and hawed, then finally paid for both semesters – but after the due dates.

They always ask what we want for Christmas and birthdays.

Then they always say they can’t or won’t get those items for various reasons.

My mom sends seasonal boxes with dollar store items and cheap, generic toys that we often just donate to thrift stores.

A year ago, they didn’t send anything at all for Liz or Tori for Christmas.

My dad didn’t speak to me from October to February. He later admitted his feelings were hurt because he felt I only wanted money.

I’ve come a long way in my self-improvement, but this is all bullshit.

He complains all the time how they have no extra money.

Which I could accept if it were true. And no, things aren’t what’s most important.

But last year, they just bought a third car – a VW Bug Turbo and 2 brand new iPads.

Recently, my mom sent some money for summer camps for my kids and mentioned they’ve never supported me in educating the kids at home.

Wow.

It’s just always so confusing and I never know what to expect. I hate feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. And everything they send always has strings attached.

I realize they parented me the best way they knew how.

I am trying to break generational curses.

My parents can treat me however they want, talk to me however they want…but they can’t hurt my children.

I will break this cycle.

I will be a better mom, a happier and healthier mom.

Ways My Negativity Can Hurt My Kids:

Control

Every aspect of my life was controlled.

I grew up and lived in fear until I was almost 30 years old.

I want my kids to feel free – to talk to me, to feel and express all emotions, have friends, learn how they want, go to college (or not) for what they want to study, eat what and when they like, etc.

Unforgiveness

My parents hold grudges.

Loving unconditionally is not something I ever knew. I had to unlearn and relearn so much.

I have to separate misbehavior, mistakes, unkindness from the person and address the situation without shaming.

Bitterness

My parents are gray with bitterness.

They have so much hate. They have so much anger.

I didn’t know rage and hate were different until a few years ago.

Do I want to be bitter or better?

What I Can Do Better:

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to be self-aware of what upsets me, my triggers – reactions to circumstances that may remind me of abuse or negative memories.

I need to recognize covert and overt narcissistic tendencies in myself, reactions that I learned. Some tendencies that I even see in my children.

I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle I grew up in, but apparently, I’ve inadvertently passed on things to my kids despite all my knowledge and attempts to be better.

There’s always work to be done.

Apology

It’s so important to recognize and address mistakes and when we misspeak. We practice sincere apology.

When I make mistakes, I apologize and ask forgiveness. I model this to my family. 

Simplicity

We constantly reevaluate and simplify by minimizing and resting.

Things aren’t what’s most important. We have so many choices, so much material wealth. We can go to the store and purchase almost anything.

Credit cards are a poor option. We want to leave a better legacy for our kids.

Vulnerability

It’s important to me that we all feel safe in our emotions and the ability to discuss everything as a family.

But sometimes, they need privacy and I have to respect that.

While I want to be transparent, I also want to have healthy relationships with my kids and not burden them with adult problems.

It’s a constant balancing of realizing they’re maturing, growing, and learning. I have to adapt to their needs and our changing relationship.

How do you break the cycle?

Helpful: Hamilton Anxiety Rating Scale for ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences)

Resources:

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Discouraged

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I can’t stop my tears this week.

It’s October but I feel like it’s February in my soul.

It’s been a busy week. I finally made it to grocery store at dinnertime on a Saturday night. Completely out of milk and bread. This is the epitome of domestic bliss, right? Saturday night grocery shopping, alone.

They’ve rearranged and updated the store over the last month or so. I still can’t find anything and I used to have the store memorized and my list according to aisle. I wandered around the store three times before I found the bread aisle. I was hungry and exhausted and I needed to get home to make dinner.

I cried in the bread aisle at Kroger, y’all.

No witnesses.

They’ve been out of our favorite brand of bread for over two weeks, at multiple stores. There was a preschooler having a four alarm full-blown on the floor tantrum an aisle over that echoed throughout the store, and I felt a spirit bond with her.

It was like the final straw for me this week. I just lost it in the face of so much hate, evil, and sorrow happening in the world, in our country, in our cities, in our churches. It’s overwhelming at times.

I feel so useless just going through the motions of mothering, homeschooling, housework, taxi service to the kids. Barely blogging, working just a little from home, trying to help with little tidbits where I can. Finding projects that I can do. Cutting costs, trying to save wherever to pay off debts more quickly.

My eldest just turned eighteen years old. So much potential and the scary world all wide open before her. She’s more mature, capable, honest, and confident than I was…like a year ago.

What have I done? What do I have to show for eighteen years?

I want to do so much more.

Discouraged

Earlier, I cried when my middle daughter carved her brother’s jack o’lantern. I am ashamed that I didn’t, couldn’t. She is an artist and oh, so capable. She runs circles around me with her abilities and energy and strength.

Today, I cried when my son dusted the entire house because he saw it needed it. They canceled his last baseball game of the season due to bad weather. His always cheerful attitude slays me. I’m more disappointed than he will ever be.

My youngest daughter’s drawing artwork chokes me up with her talent and abilities. What will she do in the future? She is fearless.

My children are better than I am.

And that’s how it should be, what I want for them.

I’ve cried every day recently, multiple times a day, about what I see in the news and on social media – the fear, hatred, evil, sorrow…but also so much kindness, joy, hope, love.

Let us love. Let us be kind.

May we have hope.

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Personal Growth

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I wasn’t a healthy youth, teen, or young adult.

My parents had narcissistic tendencies. They were also suffocatingly overprotective. I’m an only child. Naturally, I grew up with some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I eloped in 1998, when I was 21. He was 28. My parents disowned me. They mailed me a copy of their legal will, torn into shreds. My father didn’t attend my master’s degree graduation ceremony.

It was a special time.

I was too young, inexperienced, naïve, the works. We were inexperienced in so many ways. He wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t right for him. We weren’t right for each other.

He was a drug dealer and addicted to porn.

And I really didn’t know.

Four years of abuse, including verbal/emotional, sexual, and physical, and the emotional and spiritual abuse from the churches his family attended led me on a serious journey of self-discovery.

If you lose someone, but find yourself, you won.

{Get the journal.}

I left him in 2001. We’ve been divorced since 2002.

You cannot heal in the same environment where you were hurt.

The church really attacked me over the divorce. I felt so alone.

There have been some interesting developments with his niece over the years. I can’t even begin to understand his family and their choices and decisions.

His family were my first exposure to Christianity and it damaged me. It continues to affect my faith walk.

I am not the same as when I was in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

Personal Growth

My ex posted this in August 2018.

So that’s his perception and we’re all entitled to our own perception.

The narrative he has lived by these twenty years is very different from mine.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

~Anne Lamott

Once a person reaches age 50+, maybe learn to move on and show some personal growth?

Is social media the place to work out your emotional baggage, seek personal affirmation, and discuss people behind their back?

I minored in psychology at university. I was *this close* to a double major.

I’ve read a lot about narcissism and other mental disorders and illnesses. It’s kind of a hobby, and I have a very personal interest.

Did I and do I have narcissistic tendencies?

Probably.

But I diligently try to learn and grow and heal, so that’s different than living in denial and continually hurting my loved ones.

I’m more an empath and I find this article absolutely fascinating comparing empaths and narcissists.

And this other article about empaths and narcissists.

How narcissists manipulate.

A pretty accurate list of narcissist traits.

“An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts, and emotions of others while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.”

As a child of narcissists, I recognize these destructive tendencies and I actively steer my attitudes and actions away from repeating the cycle of abuse. There’s even a Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder, PNSD.

I was wounded.

On my journey of self-discovery, I have learned the hard lesson of how to forgive. I no longer blame my ex for the problems we faced while we were in a relationship. I used to be very angry and bitter. Negativity ate me up inside. Now, when I remember, they are just facts. The events happened. I am unemotional about it. I am no longer ashamed or afraid.

He had his issues and I had mine. But I feel that I have mostly overcome my issues. I feel much more comfortable with who I am now than I did then.

I have grown up.

I have moved on.

The best thing I ever did was leave the state where I grew up and where my ex and his family still reside. I took my daughter and we literally and figuratively escaped.

I had to be independent of my parents.

I had to learn to be self-reliant.

I had to develop my own identity.

Most kids do this gradually as teens and young adults, but I wasn’t allowed to do this in a natural or healthy way.

I’m not going to rehash the failures in our relationship or the issues during and after the divorce. Perhaps another time.

After many years of no contact from my ex, and no child support payments of the $20k+ back payments he owed, my current husband adopted my daughter. We also have three kids together. We realize that we are not perfect people. We have had our struggles and we had to grow up and learn what duty and commitment and healthy relationships look like. We have no role models. It’s been almost 14 years now.

For years, my parents accused me of so many horrible things, of being an ungrateful daughter. They have written me hate mail – via paper letter and email – about how poorly I am raising my children, what a terrible mother I am, that I should physically discipline my kids. They even found a therapist to agree with them, to blame me for their unhappiness with themselves and the world, or so they said. They are bitter, angry people.

And I no longer blame my parents for who they are and how mean they sometimes were. I forgive them. It still hurts and their words and actions affect me deep inside my core because they are my parents.

I’ve done everything I can to break the cycle of abuse. I am constantly seeking ways of self-improvement.

My daughter, who is now 18, struggles with abandonment issues even though she hasn’t physically seen her biological father since she was four years old. She contacted him via social media last year – with my knowledge and blessing – and has experienced nothing but disappointment and heartbreak as he accuses her of being brainwashed with my lies. He recently blocked her on Facebook and bragged about that to his family and friends – so any conversation between him and our daughter is over for the time being. He says I brainwashed her.

I have so much paperwork to back up my story. I ache for her to heal the wounds of her past. I long for her to be healthy and whole. I pray for her relationships and mental health.

And as for my parents…Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Living in Texas, Hawaii, Utah, Germany, and now Ohio, and only having very limited contact with my parents has forced them to grow too. They’re 76 now.

My father just sent me an email apologizing for his poor behavior and emotional distance the past twenty years – since I left home. Then he ignored me for months. I know he has his issues.

We’re still making progress.

Sometimes it does help to talk to mental health professional. But therapy hasn’t worked for me.

I cannot believe that he still reaches out to my daughter in 2023, after he abused her and all her cousins.

It still hurts and is confusing that the family narrative is about how I brainwashed my daughter and no one believes us about the abuse.

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My Favorite Life Changing Books

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Some books just resonate, you know?

I vividly remember their words and turns of phrase. They teach something. They call to action.

They made me make some changes in my life. They helped me make a big decision. They changed my perspective.

These are my favorite life-changing books:

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Combining magic, mysticism, wisdom and wonder into an inspiring tale of self-discovery, The Alchemist has become a modern classic, selling millions of copies around the world and transforming the lives of countless readers across generations.

Paulo Coelho’s masterpiece tells the mystical story of Santiago, an Andalusian shepherd boy who yearns to travel in search of a worldly treasure. His quest will lead him to riches far different—and far more satisfying—than he ever imagined. Santiago’s journey teaches us about the essential wisdom of listening to our hearts, of recognizing opportunity and learning to read the omens strewn along life’s path, and, most importantly, to follow our dreams.

Why I love it:

It’s a great, uplifting story and I love the parable style. It’s such a familiar story and speaks to our hearts about how we’re all connected. I wish I’d gotten this as a graduation gift, but I only just recently discovered it. I laughed. I cried. I want all my kids to read it!

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn


TEACHER SEEKS PUPIL.
Must have an earnest desire to save the world. Apply in person.

It was just a three-line ad in the personals section, but it launched the adventure of a lifetime.

So begins an utterly unique and captivating novel. In Ishmael, which received the Turner Tomorrow Fellowship for the best work of fiction offering positive solutions to global problems, Daniel Quinn parses humanity’s origins and its relationship with nature, in search of an answer to this challenging question: How can we save the world from ourselves?

Why I love it:

It’s so unexpected. It made me think about what an impact I have, we all have –  on each other, the earth, animals, society. It makes me question everything I’ve ever been taught.

Prodigal Summer by Barbara Kingsolver


Barbara Kingsolver’s fifth novel is a hymn to wildness that celebrates the prodigal spirit of human nature, and of nature itself. It weaves together three stories of human love within a larger tapestry of lives amid the mountains and farms of southern Appalachia. Over the course of one humid summer, this novel’s intriguing protagonists face disparate predicaments but find connections to one another and to the flora and fauna with which they necessarily share a place.

Why I love it:

I read this when I was a single mother. I was longing for meaningful connection. This book offered me hope that very different people can work together and find a place in each other’s hearts. I also love nature stories.

Surfacing by Margaret Atwood

Part detective novel, part psychological thriller, Surfacing is the story of a talented woman artist who goes in search of her missing father on a remote island in northern Quebec.  Setting out with her lover and another young couple, she soon finds herself captivated by the isolated setting, where a marriage begins to fall apart, violence and death lurk just beneath the surface, and sex becomes a catalyst for conflict and dangerous choices.  Surfacing is a work permeated with an aura of suspense, complex with layered meanings, and written in brilliant, diamond-sharp prose.  Here is a rich mine of ideas from an extraordinary writer about contemporary life and nature, families and marriage, and about women fragmented…and becoming whole.

Why I love it:

I read this book after some very difficult life circumstances.

Sometimes, I desire to be wild and free, lost in the woods, foraging and alone, cut off from the world. It helps me find myself again.

Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

Guy Montag is a fireman. In his world, where television rules and literature is on the brink of extinction, firemen start fires rather than put them out. His job is to destroy the most illegal of commodities, the printed book, along with the houses in which they are hidden.

Montag never questions the destruction and ruin his actions produce, returning each day to his bland life and wife, Mildred, who spends all day with her television “family.” But then he meets an eccentric young neighbor, Clarisse, who introduces him to a past where people didn’t live in fear and to a present where one sees the world through the ideas in books instead of the mindless chatter of television.

When Mildred attempts suicide and Clarisse suddenly disappears, Montag begins to question everything he has ever known. He starts hiding books in his home, and when his pilfering is discovered, the fireman has to run for his life.

Why I love it:

I read it in 10th grade. I taught it to my students for several years. I read it with my daughter. It’s an amazingly hopeful book in the face of a tragic society.

Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr


In Falling Upward, Fr. Richard Rohr seeks to help readers understand the tasks of the two halves of life and to show them that those who have fallen, failed, or “gone down” are the only ones who understand “up.” Most of us tend to think of the second half of life as largely about getting old, dealing with health issues, and letting go of life, but the whole thesis of this book is exactly the opposite. What looks like falling down can largely be experienced as “falling upward.” In fact, it is not a loss but somehow actually a gain, as we have all seen with elders who have come to their fullness.

This important book explores the counterintuitive message that we grow spiritually much more by doing wrong than by doing right–a fresh way of thinking about spirituality that grows throughout life.

Why I love it:

It put together a puzzle for me about why I struggled so much until recently. It explains why so many others seem displaced and I don’t fit in.

These books have always resonated with me and I can read them again and again.

You might also like my Women’s Literature Study.

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My Top 40

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I turned 42 on Sunday.

Sometimes, it hits me and I’m shocked because I don’t feel 42. I’m not sure what 42 is supposed to feel like.

I often still feel the same way I felt at 15 and 21 and 29 and 32. I have the same dreams and fears.

We live in such a casual time that it doesn’t matter what I wear, how I style my hair, or which fork I use.

During my mom’s generation, women over a certain age didn’t wear the color pink or their hair long. That was for younger women.

Sometimes, when I go out with my teen daughter, people mistake us for sisters and that’s delightful.

Other times, I feel very old and persnickety. My knees crackle when I stand up. My back hurts when I stand for a long time.

I’m past the desire to get tattoos or piercings. I’d rather spend my money on other things – experiences.

Sometimes, I feel panicky that I haven’t accomplished anything important. My time is too short and I have to hurry and do something, anything, quickly, write write write, create create create.

Then, I feel overwhelmed and it’s been all done before. I have nothing to offer. Do I?

I usually lie in bed at night and listen to the night sounds and make myself ill about what I should have done or could do better.

Then I think about all the things I have done and I’m able to breathe a little easier for another night.

I’m accepting that I’m an INTJ and a 1/5 combo on Enneagram. This is who I am and I constantly improve and grow.

I had some amazing experiences that shaped me into who I am today. When I look back on what means the most to me, my priorities are clear.

My top 40:

  1. I flew alone to Washington, D.C., when I was 9, to visit my grandma. It was a fun week.
  2. My parents took me to Puerto Rico when I was 14. It was a business trip for my dad. I missed a week of school, excused for “educational purposes.”
  3. My intro to art class in 10th grade. The teacher was quite a bitch, but I still remember the projects and techniques I learned. It ruined me but I’m rediscovering it.
  4. Entering college early. Dual enrollment was a new concept and my high school wasn’t too keen, so I just bypassed them. I got a double scholarship.
  5. “Wasting time” on college classes in Spanish, French, and German. The lessons I learned serve me well now in Europe and teaching my kids foreign languages!
  6. My college classes on art history and music theory still affect me today. Those professors were passionate and delightful.
  7. Overcoming depression. It’s a daily battle.
  8. Getting my Master’s in education. It was a joke of a program, but I jumped through those hoops and have the paper to prove it.
  9. Teaching in public school. I learned so much about kids, parents, learning, government school systems, bureaucracy, and more. I’ve taught at many levels, mostly middle school and high school, including ESL and gifted. I worked in elementary after school programs. I was also a substitute teacher in many different kinds of classrooms.
  10. The birth of my first daughter.
  11. Teaching college writing. Almost my dream job.
  12. Getting married. (The first two don’t count…) Surviving PCSes and a deployment. Deployment #2 coming up.
  13. Moving to Texas. This was a quite a catalyst for change. I couldn’t find work. We began homeschooling. It was the first time I ever lived away from my parents and home state. My husband’s parents both passed away. My husband changed job fields in order to remain in the Air Force. I birthed two babies. It was a stressful two years.
  14. Homeschooling. It’s been an amazing adventure!
  15. Starting a blog. It sure has evolved since 2005!
  16. The birth of my second daughter.
  17. The birth of my third daughter. A C-section is not a failure. I’m still telling myself this. Medical bullying and trauma is a thing though.
  18. Living in Hawaii for 3 years.
  19. My husband adopting my first daughter.
  20. Changing our lifestyle to be healthier and more natural.
  21. The birth of my son. VBAC, for the win!
  22. Stopped attending a legalistic fundamentalist church. Wish we’d left sooner!
  23. Introducing my husband and kids to camping.
  24. Family road trip to Yellowstone National Park.
  25. Living in Germany for 3 years. Being able to explore Europe!
  26. Traveling to Paris. Twice.
  27. Traveling to Prague.
  28. Traveling to Netherlands.
  29. Traveling to Greece.
  30. Traveling to London. Twice.
  31. Traveling to Porto.
  32. Traveling to Rome.
  33. Traveling to Ireland.
  34. Traveling to Normandy, France.
  35. Traveling to Florence.
  36. Traveling to Venice.
  37. Deciding to practice respectful parenting.
  38. Becoming credit card debt-free. We’re almost there!
  39. Doing Bible study at home instead of attending church.
  40. I have found my voice. I am still angry. I am not afraid.

I can do so much more now that I’m 42 than when I was in my 20’s.

I am more confident. I have more life experience. I am more discerning. I have my priorities straight.


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