Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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Ashamed

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We aren’t born ashamed.

We have to learn how to be ashamed.

And then we shame others so we don’t feel alone.

Our culture thrives on shame.

Parents are told to shame their children into behaving. Teachers shame students in class to conform. Peers shame each other and it’s considered normal, but it’s really bullying. And when they grow up, these adults bully and shame others to keep control.

We feel guilty when we do something wrong.

We feel ashamed when we believe that we are bad.

I don’t dance.

I used to dance.

I first took lessons when I was in first grade.

I loved ballet and tap. I loved the pink and black practice suits and the recital costumes. I loved the music and the counting and the French words and the practicing and the barre with the stretches. I could point my toes in a perfect arch and suck in the dimples on my buttocks to please my teacher.

I love watching musicals and ballets – live and on TV…the pretty costumes and twirling and how easy it looks.

My parents couldn’t or wouldn’t pay for dance lessons after a year. I was heartbroken. I begged every year to be re-enrolled, but they didn’t take me seriously or couldn’t afford it until I was 12. The studio really didn’t have beginner courses for anyone as old as I was, so I was placed in a class for adults who just wanted the exercise. It was embarrassing. I was good and I was placed in the recital with other dancers my age. I could’ve possibly moved on to pointe the next year or so, but I was too ashamed to continue when I was awkward, lanky, developing. I hadn’t danced for so long and I felt so behind my peers.

I quit dancing and I still regret it.

That feeling of shame rears its hot face even now that I’m older. My husband loves to dance and he used to teach lessons. I don’t even want to dance with him in the privacy of my living room. Ballroom dance and contemporary dance are very different from ballet, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I love to watch him dance with the kids and teach them the classic moves.

Shame isn’t an easy thing to ignore or overcome.

Shame permeates our society.

I’ve been bullied and shamed in parenting circles, at work, in church…it’s like an epidemic or an addiction. People think shame is normal.

We are taught with shame at home, in schools, and in churches.

Shame at Home

Almost all the parenting books, blogs, experts teach shame.

We’re supposed to punish, cajole, bribe, humiliate, ridicule, coerce, abuse our kids into “proper” behavior.

I feel this idea of being shamed into obedience is even worse in Christian circles. There is this idea of a sin/shame cycle that must be beaten (literally or verbally) out of children.

At home, I was hit, belittled, told I was stupid and worthless. My parents thought negative conditioning would create in me a desire to improve. But, actually, it creates dissonance and a feeling of helplessness. Eventually, I began to believe I was stupid and worthless.

My interests weren’t important. I was ridiculed for loving art, music, literature – mere hobbies that wouldn’t offer a well-paying career.

I stopped trying in school about 11th grade. I almost failed algebra II and chemistry. I skipped classes. I didn’t see any point to any of it.

Shame in School

Schools rely on a shame model to produce compliant students.

I lived most of my school days in fear.

Fear of punishment, fear of humiliation, fear of being called on, fear of hearing my name, fear of stepping out of line.

My first grade teacher put a BIG RED X beside my name because I knew how to write it in cursive and we weren’t supposed to know that yet and she didn’t want me to show off.

But the BIG RED X seemed to symbolize a negation of my whole identity.

Teachers often seem to single out students who are different, bullying them just like kids. I’ve witnessed minority kids ridiculed. I’ve witnessed girls shamed. Schools are racist and sexist.

I saw these things as a student and teacher.

Of course, there’s the whole body shaming of girls.

I changed in a bathroom stall for PE in middle school and high school. I was skinny, but never had the desirable flat or toned abs. Someone once told me that my tummy wouldn’t be so noticeable if I had boobs. That didn’t help.

I also didn’t want to be singled out for having the highest grade in science when I was in 9th grade. I quietly asked the teacher to stop praising me in front of the class since I was getting teased by classmates. I was dumbing myself down to be popular. I didn’t do well in science after that year, perhaps on purpose or more likely, subconsciously.

Girls are silenced and shamed by boys, teachers, administrators, parents…and other girls.

Far from production as an ideal, it was consumption that had to be encouraged. School had to train in consumption habits: listening to others, moving on a bell or horn signal without questioning, becoming impressionable—more accurately, gullible—in order to do well on tests. Kids who insisted on producing their own lives had to be humiliated publicly as a warning to others.

 Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto

Shame in Church

The Christian church relies on shaming to keep members submissive.

Children are taught the sin model from parents, leaders, teachers, pastors.

There’s nowhere positive to go from there. What’s the point if you’re destined for a life of sin and eternal damnation? Different denominations teach different methods of salvation: say a little prayer, confess, flagellation, communion, accountability partners, fasting. Some preach that certain people are predestined, so it doesn’t matter what you do anyway.

It’s all outward appearance and makes us feel more ashamed for our failures, real or imagined.

At a Lent planning meeting at the church we used to attend, a deacon crossed my name off the children’s learning time and said she didn’t need me to do that. She acted like she was doing me a favor, releasing me from duty, but I know she just likes control and doing it all.

I felt like I was back in first grade, even if she didn’t use a red pen.

I’ve never gone back to a planning meeting nor am I really involved at all at church anymore.

We stopped going to church. 

And they are both of them naked, the man and woman, and they are not ashamed of themselves. Genesis 2:25

Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made loincloths for themselves. Genesis 3:7

Why did Adam and Eve become aware of their nakedness only after they sinned?

Chabad

Shame online

I’m glad we didn’t have social media until I was an adult. I don’t think I could’ve handled the cyber bullying and humiliation I see every day online.

We monitor the apps our daughters use closely. I really limit my social media time because it depresses me.

I’m glad we homeschool, so I don’t think we experience it as much, but my eldest was bullied a few years ago within our homeschool community and online and it was ugly.

Some people are just always itching for a fight and I don’t want to engage.

People hide behind their avatars, screens, keyboards…anonymous. It’s easier for them to spew their hatred at people who don’t share their views.

We like to be noticed, named, not forgotten or dismissed.

I try to be very careful how I speak to my children and spouse. Of course, I fail miserably very often, but I try to make amends.

I don’t want to humiliate, shame, or ridicule anyone. I know too well how that feels. Words can hurt.

Linking up: Let it Shine, Pinventures, Mrs. AOK, Mostly Blogging, Create with Joy, Anita Ojeda, Mary Geisen, Abounding Grace, April Harris, LouLou Girls, Home Stories, MaryAndering Creatively, Anchored Abode, InstaEncouragements, Purposeful Faith, Our Three Peas, The Mrs. Tee, Gingersnap Crafts, Jessi’s Design, Creative K Kids, Over the Moon, TFT, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Apron Strings, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Rachel Lee, Worth Beyond Rubies, Try It Like It, Soaring with Him, Quiet Homemaker, Life with Lorelai, Chic on a Shoestring, Anna Nuttall, Anna Nuttall, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, Debbie Kitterman, Crystal Waddell, Susan Mead, Counting My Blessings, Being a Wordsmith, Welcome Heart,

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Stepping Stones

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I don’t sugarcoat or make small talk.

I’m a straight shooter and people apparently find that intimidating.

I know who I am and what I want.

So…I struggle making friends.

I don’t have any.

Perhaps this is a season that will pass.

Maybe I’m just always on a stepping stone to somewhere else.

I’m always on the lookout for like-minded weirdos, but there always seems to be some hindrance to that.

We move around a lot.

Sometimes the hindrance is me.

I know I have issues.

But sometimes?

The hindrance is sometimes totally on someone else.

It’s important to be able to discern it.

Once you reach age 40, maybe you should have more of your shit together. You’ve had plenty of time and resources for self-loathing, therapy, grief, addiction recovery, getting to know yourself, parenting (even if you have to re-parent yourself), whatever you’ve dealt with. I’m really sorry about all of it, but I dealt with a lot of it too.

I understand your façade of a perfectionistic, yourwayorthehighway cold-hearted bitch hides your falling apart life, but I will not get into it with you over which hymn we should sing on Palm Sunday. It’s just not worth the argument. I will still smile and shake your hand during greeting time at church. And I like your boots.

I can overlook a lot, so much. I can smile and be friendly. But if you have severe unresolved personal issues? Then I don’t want to friend you on Facebook and have you stalk me online. I don’t want to have coffee or a meal with you. I don’t want to sit through a planning meeting with you. I don’t want to share responsibility on some committee with you. I don’t want my kids in a situation where you’re an authority figure over them.

“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” ~ Ross Caligiuri, Dreaming in the Shadows

These are things I realize:

A lot of people are lonely.

We live in a society where we’re all connected online, but we don’t know the name of our neighbors on our street. Coworkers are just acquaintances. The people we see in church each week are just a handshake.

We’re isolated by busyness. We make sure we don’t have time to slow down enough to think about our pain. Or joy. No one wants to feel emotions.

We don’t have any role models who show us how to be friends.

Our parents all worked full time and were busy too. Many of us are from broken homes. We were latchkey kids.

We were taught to fear and never trust others. Stranger danger! Don’t talk to people online!

That’s the only people I talk to!

We think stress, anxiety, depression are normal.

We try to hide our loneliness with stuff.

We constantly try to fill that hole with food, drugs, alcohol, shoes, scrapbooking, diets, throwing the kids into a gazillion after-school and weekend and summer break activities…

Friendliness is misconstrued as manipulation. We overthink it. Why are they smiling? Is something in my teeth? What do they want?

There’s a difference between loneliness and solitude and most people can’t handle healthy solitude. Or silence.

There’s a lot of unnecessary judgment.

Some judgment is healthy.

We need to judge the right moment to cross a busy street. We need to judge whether it’s cardi temperature or if we need a heavier jacket.

We need to discern right from wrong in many gray areas.

Judging others because of their clothing choices or their car or their Christmas decorations can hinder friendship. It’s silly.

Except the 25-foot Rudolph in the front yard across the street. That’s scary.

We’re all trying so hard to impress others with the wrong things for the wrong reasons that we miss out on so much.

It’s harder to understand tone and meaning online. Everything typed comes across as harsher, more sarcastic, cold.

Putting LOL or JK or an emoji after a mean, condescending, or judgy comment doesn’t make it better.

It’s still rude. 

And we’re all so good not recognizing our own sins or hangups.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

What about toxicity?

We are called to judge immoral behavior within the church.

Let that sink in a moment.

We are not called to judge outsiders or unbelievers.

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. 1 Corinthians 5:12-13

If you have a problem with someone, discuss it in love and in private.

Three strikes, you’re out though.

Don’t make room for toxicity in your life. I don’t have room or time for it.

“If your brother sins against you, go and rebuke him in private. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two more with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established.  If he pays no attention to them, tell the church. But if he doesn’t pay attention even to the church, let him be like an unbeliever and a tax collector to you. Matthew 18:15-17

It’s hard to balance on that fence of healthy and unhealthy judgment.

Sometimes, we’re awkward.

I’m usually very awkward, especially around new people.

I kinda embrace my awkwardness now. My foot and mouth are intimately acquainted no matter how hard I try to be tactful. I’m just not graceful.

Lots of people have anxiety or awkwardness.

I try to discern whether someone is being really rude or if they’re just awkward. I really hate that whole “trying to have a conversation with someone and they’re constantly looking over your shoulder for someone else better.” That’s just rude.

Greeting time at church is a nightmare for me as an introvert. I avoid a lot of events with crowds or stick to being a wallflower.

I think it’s also true that we worry so much about what others think and they’re worrying so much about what others think that we’re not thinking about each other at all.

We all experience seasons.

Sometimes we’re more social or need to be alone or life circumstances bring us together or pull us apart.

People going through similar circumstances like to do that together.

I wouldn’t really know.

I never succeeded with pregnancy groups, MOPS, mom meetups, military wives clubs, or weight loss meetings.

I’m a leader.

I’m a teacher.

I’m a midnight thinker.

I have taught classes on single motherhood, finances, parenting, natural living, Sunday school.

I’m not a joiner.

I’m not a good student. Mostly because there are so few good teachers.

I don’t like meetings, lectures, or effing parties where I’m expected to buy jewelry, leggings, kitchen tools, sex toys, or essential oils.

It’s always been hard for me to fit in.

I guess we don’t fit a certain stereotype. We have 4 kids. We’re a military family. We homeschool. I’m liberal and progressive.

I cringe a lot when all people want to talk about are crappy TV shows or teen novels.

And I don’t do small talk.

small talk: polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters or any transactions ~wiki

We’ve all experienced suffering.

This can be an alienating situation or it can bring us together.

Maybe it’s a terminal illness.

Injury.

Surgery.

Chronic illness.

Disability.

Maybe the stress of having a special needs child.

Broken relationships.

Toxicity.

Infidelity.

Divorce.

Abuse. Assault. PTSD.

Addiction.

Abortion.

Suicide.

Mental illness.

Sexuality.

The list goes on and on.

And you know? What I’ve suffered is no worse to me than what you’ve suffered is to you.

It’s not a contest as to who has suffered more or worse.

We’re all in this together.

The church is a house for the broken. It is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints. ~Abigail Van Buren

People of faith are nurses, doctors, counselors…and patients – wherever they go.

With arms wide open.

It takes a lot of effort to be a real friend.

Sometimes the next stepping stone seems so far away.

Linking up: Kingdom Bloggers, Create with Joy, Anita Ojeda, Welcome Heart, Mostly Blogging, Blogghetti, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, Modest Mom, Insta Encouragements, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Grandmas Ideas, Sarah Frazer, My Life Abundant, OMHG, Anchored Abode, Rachel Lee, Uncommon Suburbia, Over the Moon, Apron Strings, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, Creative K Kids, TFT, Try it Like it, Unshakeable Joy, Quiet Homemaker, Answer is Choco, Anna Nuttall, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Counting My Blessings, Lyli Dunbar, Pieced Pastimes, Fireman’s Wife. Crystal Waddell, CWJ, Life with Lorelai, Pinventures,

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Advice to My Younger Self

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I often wish someone had offered suggestions to us as a young family when we struggled for balance.

I didn’t have mentors at all. We knew we wanted a different lifestyle than our parents, peers, siblings, friends.

We didn’t know where to start to streamline our schedules and get the most bang for our buck.

We had to make our own way, lots of mistakes, and lean on each other for the last 14 years. We’re still learning!

It’s often so much newness that you don’t stop to think about the stress.

Finishing up college or grad school, getting married or moving in, new jobs, beginning or changing a career, having babies.

These are all wonderful, exciting things…but they’re also very high on the stress index.

We often don’t stop to realize how all these amazing opportunities and changes stress us out even though we think we’re happy.

It’s important to have a good support network, rely on and trust your spouse, and have a good foundation about your values, priorities, and needs.

I’m 43 now and looking back, I’ve learned a lot from life and…

I have some advice for my younger self.

I should have taken better care of me – my physical and mental health. It’s important and I’m paying the price now. Is this what a mid-life crisis look like?

No one really cares what you look like. Don’t worry so much about it. Wear what you want, what’s comfortable. Do whatever to your hair and makeup. Stretch marks and laugh lines are battle scars. Be yourself.

Speak up. No one knows what you’re feeling or thinking if you don’t tell them. Don’t play childish guessing games.

There is no us and them. We’re all in this together. 

5 Areas to Address for Success:

1. Marriage

No name calling, ever.

The only time you should use the words “dummy” or “fool” is when you’re talking about puppets or pudding desserts, respectively. Focus on positive and nonviolent language, even when you’re angry.

Work together as a team.

It’s easy to get lazy and not be as courteous to our spouses as we should be. “Equality” means different things to different couples. Some do their own laundry separately or one cooks and the other does the dishes. If it works, then by all means, continue. But don’t be petty or waste time, money, and energy when it could be more helpful and efficient to work together or help each other out on something. Use gifts, talents, and interests well.

Communicate.

The 3 biggest issues in most marriages are sex, money, and parenting. Most disagreements, misconceptions, arguments, and misunderstandings involve one of these three topics.

Get over your embarrassments, inhibitions, issues, and baggage…and learn how to discuss your needs, desires, wants, and expectations about these things.

The marriage checklist listed in this article is a great place to fill in some gaps.

My favorite marriage book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Money

I don’t like the term “budget” because it’s so narrow and constricting. Most of us are a little flexible and don’t spend the exact same amount on categories each pay period. Using the term “spending plan” is much more accurate for most of us. We’re not disciplined enough to use cash envelopes each month for categories, but I hear it’s successful for some. I think most of us pay bills online and use our check cards for other purchases. Obviously, that requires keeping on top of purchases and receipts, and communicating with your partner.

I use an Excel spreadsheet to track our expenses each month.

If there are separate accounts, make sure to communicate about who is responsible for what. We have a separate account just for our rent and car payment. I have a separate account for all my writing, but it barely breaks even.

Know your income. Know the salary at your job. Make sure to getting what you’re owed. Check pay stubs and make corrections. Get the most income by adjusting withholding for taxes at places of employment. No need to lend that money to the government to get a big tax return. Most of us would rather have that little bit more each paycheck.

Insurance. Research the best options for your family’s needs. Everyone needs affordable health insurance. Shop around for the best auto and renters or homeowners insurance for your situation. And update as your frequently as your lifestyle changes.

Investments. As soon as possible, invest in Roth IRAs and max those babies out. We’re not even there yet. We’ve never been able to max them out. We do have 529s for our 4 kids. That’s a great way to help kids begin their adult lives debt-free, with no student loans!

Debt. List all debt and be honest with yourself. Student loans. Car payments. Child support and alimony. List minimum payments and due dates in order.

Food. This is often a HUGE expense and can be curtailed with some planning. See info about “meals” below.

Gas. This can be a big expense. The USA is a huge gas guzzling empire, and cars are everywhere.  Most towns and cities aren’t built for bicycles or pedestrians. Public transportation is minimal and unreliable in most places. If possible, limit your family to one car and plan well – carpooling, limiting errands to 1 or 2 days a week, bicycling and walking more. It cuts down on expenses and pollution.

Miscellaneous. There’s always something, right? We have to be aware of regular expenses and plan for emergencies. Know when car tags are due and put that on your spreadsheet. Spring is a big time for our family’s birthdays. Autumn comes with new curriculum and school supplies and clothes. Summer camps and rec sports for kids can really add up. Holidays can often make for surprises. We don’t give greeting cards anymore and we limit gift-giving.

3. Meals

Prepping and planning. It took me years to develop a good system and I still sometimes struggle.

I try to limit waste and plan meals around store sales and coupons on shopping apps.

Sure, we get bored and have to mix it up sometimes.

We sometimes throw a plan out the window for holidays and celebrations.

We seldom eat out, which saves money. We make our food from scratch which is healthier and more satisfying for us. We don’t like a lot of processed, pre-packaged foods.

Shopping. I tend to shop weekly at Kroger and/or Walmart.

About once a month, I do a big haul at Costco and/or the commissary.

I price compare and keep track of where the better deals are.

I buy bacon, sausage, and cat litter at the commissary.

Cooking. Someone has to make dinner. Every day.

I feel it’s important to have dinner together as a family every night, if possible.

As the kids get older, they help so much with meals and it’s great for us to all to work together.

I often prep and my husband grills.

Occasionally, I serve the kids earlier and have a nicer meal and movie night with my husband.

4. House

Maintenance. Whether it’s an apartment, rental house, or you own your own home, regular maintenance is important. We’ve always rented homes, but we try to stay proactive and let the homeowner know when and if items need repair. We replace filters on time, we keep everything clean, and we maintain the yard and grounds regularly.

Decoration. We are frugal and simple with seasonal and regular home decor. It took me years to find a home style I feel comfortable with that isn’t overwhelming. I’m still evolving and since we move every few years, it allows for some fun updates. 

Organization. Everything in its place. If you have to buy storage for your stuff, you have too much stuff. With four growing kids, we had so much stuff for so many years. As they grow and don’t need so much, it’s so refreshing to donate or sell items as they outgrow toys, clothes, and homeschool materials.

5. Children

Discipline. It’s important for spouses to be on the same page about how to raise children.

Chores. Kids really want to help, so let them.

Activities. Less is more. We’ve had seasons of overscheduling and find it’s better for each child to have one extracurricular activity at a time. We do family art lessons and each child has a seasonal or recreational sport.

Day care/Babysitting. Day care is just so expensive. We made a hard choice for me to stay home with the kids to save money and not outsource them to someone else to raise.

While we had a season when we hired babysitters so we could socialize, I regret that now that it didn’t really help our family grow personally or spiritually.

School. There are lots of options for education. Public, private, religious, charter, homeschool. Each has its pros and cons and your family has to make the tough decision how you want your kids educated. And it can even change from year to year, season to season, or with different kids.

We tried homeschooling and never looked back. It was an easy choice for us with moving around so frequently. It allowed so much more freedom for our family to travel and learn how we want.

Religion. Even if it’s not important or an issue for you and your spouse, kids will most likely bring this up at some point. It’s better to have a response in mind beforehand than to have to scramble and stumble with ill-conceived explanations. Know what you believe and why so you can explain, teach, and guide your kids. They will have questions. Don’t be embarrassed or shame them if you don’t know the answers. Find out together.

Setting Goals for the Future:

Sometimes, this is really hard and life throws really fast curveballs.

We’ve had our fair share of struggles and setbacks. We’ve lived through tragedies and adventures we never imagined or planned for and here we are, living to tell about it.

I often think about these things, dream about it, and set goals:

1 year

Where do I want to be a year from now?

Sometimes, we know we’re going to PCS and I make plans for our new location.

I research our homeschool activities and curriculum.

I consider our debt and finances and plan better. 

My eldest is beginning college and will probably move into a dorm.

3 years

What dreams do I have for 3 years from now?

I consider what my kids will be doing in our homeschool. 

My eldest might be finishing college and starting her career.

My middle girls will be high school age. What do I want that to look like?

5 years

What do we want 5 years from now?

We’re getting close to my husband’s retirement. Where do we want to live? What other job does he want?

My son will be our last child at home. What will his high school years look like?

How can I support my middle girls in their higher education?

What will our relationship look like with my eldest daughter?

10 years

What do I want our family to look like in 10 years?

What am I doing right now to ensure my kids are friends as adults?

How will we juggle relationships with four adult kids who might live all over the world?

How am I managing our finances for our future comfort?

How can I care for my aging parents?

It’s important to set goals and reevaluate your family’s needs at different life stages.

Linking up: Pinventures, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Home Stories, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Penny’s Passion, Mostly Blogging, Mrs. AOK, Creative K Kids, Over the Moon, TFT, Imparting Grace, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Abounding Grace, Create with Joy, Modest Mom, Debbie Kitterman, Apron Strings, Rachel Lee, Anchored Abode, Insta Encouragements, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Welcome Heart, Try it Like it, MaryAndering Creatively, Being a Wordsmith, Anna Nuttall, Quiet Homemaker, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Fireman’s Wife, Susan Mead, Counting My Blessings, Life with Lorelai, CKK, Coffee with Us3, Oh My Heartsie Girl,

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Breaking the Cycle of Negativity

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When I can’t offer grace to myself, I can’t offer grace to others.

I must overcome my hurts and negativity to allow my children to make their own decisions and become resilient.

I have authoritarian parents. I had no voice. I kept my opinions and emotions to myself. I was the poster child for “seen and not heard.” I was naturally quiet and observant.

I grew up in a time when I went to school and then played outside until the streetlights came on. During school breaks and summers, I played outside from sunup until sundown, grabbing lunch, snacks, and drinks at anyone’s house who would have me.

But I went through my childhood and youth in a fog.

Most of my memories are negative.

I remember punishments. I remember being snapped at, complained about, ridiculed, humiliated, smacked, switched, spanked, pushed, yelled at, and isolated in my room.

I remember being told I was worthless when my grades weren’t “good enough” because my “only job was to go to school.”

My interests in art, music, and literature were ridiculed as stupid and worthless towards a good career. I was told I should go to college for business or computers, which were not my interests at all.

I was always a disappointment.

The first few years of my marriage I had PTSD.

I lived in survival mode. I could barely cope with daily activities. Without constant reminders from my parents of how worthless and disappointing I was, I became self-destructive. My inner monologue reminded me all the time.

I couldn’t accept my husband’s affection. I couldn’t trust him (I still struggle).

It only exacerbated the situation that we moved out of state twice, I had to quit my job, began homeschooling my eldest daughter, both my husband’s parents suddenly passed away, and I gave birth to my middle two daughters during that time.

Living away from my parents forced me to confront my issues and seek healing.

It took me about 10 years to start to feel healthy.

My relationship with my parents is a rocky road.

My parents visited us in Utah, mid-May 2011, while my husband was deployed.

My son had just turned one. My middle girls were preschoolers. My eldest was the only one who even really knew my parents.

They stayed in a hotel nearby and graced us with their presence about lunchtime while disrupting our schedule and constantly telling my children to go play in the basement while they sat on the sofa to read the newspaper they brought with them.

I would sit awkwardly in a chair, not sure what to say or do. My heart broke for my children, who were confused.

I was torn between being a daughter and a mother.

It was a miserable few days until they had a tantrum and returned home early.

I received a handwritten letter in the mail a few days after that.

In the letter, my father told me what a horrible mother I was, that I should spank my terrible, ill-mannered children.

So he basically brutally criticized me for not parenting like him.

My kids are great kids. Their eating and resting schedule had been disrupted and they were confused by having virtual strangers in our house and they didn’t know what to expect. They were treated like burdens.

I still have that letter.

A few years later, we visited my parents before leaving for Germany. I figured since they’re in their 70s, I would regret not spending time with them if something happened while we were overseas.

We stayed with them for 11 stressful days.

One day, we went out to a local BBQ place for lunch. My husband ordered and paid for everything and I suggested to my mom and my kids to go find a booth to sit and wait. When we brought the food to the table, my mom literally snatched stuff and snapped at my eldest daughter to give her the food. She acted like a starving person. She acted so selfishly that my kids looked at me with wide, scared eyes, not knowing how to react or what to do. I look back and wonder if she thought she was getting out of the way so my kids could have the rest, but none of us saw it that way. We just do things so differently. We serve our kids first and then take the rest, if there is any. We would have bought more if it had not been enough.

I realize my mother suffers her own demons.

During that same week, my father had promised my son that he would take him to his barber for a haircut and they would have an afternoon out to themselves and maybe get ice cream. Well, my dad had a tantrum and left by himself without informing anyone and got his own haircut and was gone a really long time. It was so heartbreaking to see my son confused and hurt.

I realize my father suffers his own demons.

It was a peaceful time in Germany, for the most part. I read and grew and learned a lot about myself.

We stayed with my parents again for just a few days upon returning from Germany. It was a little bit better this time. We recently moved to Ohio.

My parents promised multiple times to help pay for my eldest daughter’s college education, but they lied and said they never promised that – even though my daughter, husband, and I all remember these promises. They said they would help, but when we told them the price of her tuition in September and December, they hemmed and hawed, then finally paid for both semesters – but after the due dates.

They always ask what we want for Christmas and birthdays.

Then they always say they can’t or won’t get those items for various reasons.

My mom sends seasonal boxes with dollar store items and cheap, generic toys that we often just donate to thrift stores.

A year ago, they didn’t send anything at all for Liz or Tori for Christmas.

My dad didn’t speak to me from October to February. He later admitted his feelings were hurt because he felt I only wanted money.

I’ve come a long way in my self-improvement, but this is all bullshit.

He complains all the time how they have no extra money.

Which I could accept if it were true. And no, things aren’t what’s most important.

But last year, they just bought a third car – a VW Bug Turbo and 2 brand new iPads.

Recently, my mom sent some money for summer camps for my kids and mentioned they’ve never supported me in educating the kids at home.

Wow.

It’s just always so confusing and I never know what to expect. I hate feeling like I’m always walking on eggshells. And everything they send always has strings attached.

I realize they parented me the best way they knew how.

I am trying to break generational curses.

My parents can treat me however they want, talk to me however they want…but they can’t hurt my children.

I will break this cycle.

I will be a better mom, a happier and healthier mom.

Ways My Negativity Can Hurt My Kids:

Control

Every aspect of my life was controlled.

I grew up and lived in fear until I was almost 30 years old.

I want my kids to feel free – to talk to me, to feel and express all emotions, have friends, learn how they want, go to college (or not) for what they want to study, eat what and when they like, etc.

Unforgiveness

My parents hold grudges.

Loving unconditionally is not something I ever knew. I had to unlearn and relearn so much.

I have to separate misbehavior, mistakes, unkindness from the person and address the situation without shaming.

Bitterness

My parents are gray with bitterness.

They have so much hate. They have so much anger.

I didn’t know rage and hate were different until a few years ago.

Do I want to be bitter or better?

What I Can Do Better:

Mindfulness

I think it’s important to be self-aware of what upsets me, my triggers – reactions to circumstances that may remind me of abuse or negative memories.

I need to recognize covert and overt narcissistic tendencies in myself, reactions that I learned. Some tendencies that I even see in my children.

I don’t want to perpetuate the cycle I grew up in, but apparently, I’ve inadvertently passed on things to my kids despite all my knowledge and attempts to be better.

There’s always work to be done.

Apology

It’s so important to recognize and address mistakes and when we misspeak. We practice sincere apology.

When I make mistakes, I apologize and ask forgiveness. I model this to my family. 

Simplicity

We constantly reevaluate and simplify by minimizing and resting.

Things aren’t what’s most important. We have so many choices, so much material wealth. We can go to the store and purchase almost anything.

Credit cards are a poor option. We want to leave a better legacy for our kids.

Vulnerability

It’s important to me that we all feel safe in our emotions and the ability to discuss everything as a family.

But sometimes, they need privacy and I have to respect that.

While I want to be transparent, I also want to have healthy relationships with my kids and not burden them with adult problems.

It’s a constant balancing of realizing they’re maturing, growing, and learning. I have to adapt to their needs and our changing relationship.

How do you break the cycle?

Linking up: Mrs. AOK, Mostly Blogging, Welcome Heart, Blogghetti, Anita Ojeda, Pinventures, CWJ, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, Modest Mom, MaryAndering Creatively, Abounding Grace, Jaime Wiebel, Anchored Abode, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Life Abundant, Our Three Peas, Meghan Weyerbacher, Gingersnap Crafts, Sarah Frazer, Becoming Press, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Wise Woman, Soaring with Him, Welcome Heart, Worth Beyond Rubies, Penny’s Passion, Over the Moon, TFT, CKK, Debbie Kitterman, Apron Strings, Crystal Storms, Rachel Lee, Try it Like it, Life with Lorelai, Coffee with Us3, Crystal Waddell, Counting My Blessings, Lyli Dunbar, Susan Mead, CWJ, Momfessionals, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Answer is Choco, Anna Nuttall, The Quiet Homemaker, Being a Wordsmith, Inspo for Moms,

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Personal Growth

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Productive Homeschooling - Printables and Tools for every homeschool

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I wasn’t a healthy youth, teen, or young adult.My parents had narcissistic tendencies. They were also suffocatingly overprotective. I’m an only child. Naturally, I grew up with some unhealthy coping mechanisms.I eloped when I was 21. He was 28. My parents disowned me. They mailed me a copy of their legal will, torn into shreds. My father didn’t attend my master’s degree graduation ceremony.It was a special time.I was too young, inexperienced, naïve, the works. We were inexperienced in so many ways. He wasn’t right for me. I wasn’t right for him. We weren’t right for each other.He was a drug dealer and addicted to porn.And I really didn’t know.Four years of abuse, including verbal/emotional, sexual, and physical, and the emotional and spiritual abuse from the churches his family attended led me on a serious journey of self-discovery.

If you lose someone, but find yourself, you won.

{Get the journal.}

I left him in 2001. We’ve been divorced since 2002.
You cannot heal in the same environment where you were hurt.
The church really attacked me over the divorce. I felt so alone.There have been some interesting developments with his niece over the years. I can’t even begin to understand his family and their choices and decisions.His family were my first exposure to Christianity and it damaged me. It continues to affect my faith walk.

I am not the same as when I was in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

Personal Growth
My ex posted this in August 2018.So that’s his perception and we’re all entitled to our own perception.
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” ~Anne Lamott
Once a person reaches age 50+, maybe learn to move on and show some personal growth?Is social media the place to work out your emotional baggage, seek personal affirmation, and discuss people behind their back?Oh, wait…I minored in psychology at university. I was *this close* to a double major.I’ve read a lot about narcissism and other mental disorders and illnesses. It’s kind of a hobby, and I have a very personal interest.Did I and do I have narcissistic tendencies?Absolutely.But I’m more an empath and I find this article absolutely fascinating comparing empaths and narcissists.And this other article about empaths and narcissists.How narcissists manipulate.A pretty accurate list of narcissist traits.
“An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts, and emotions of others while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.”
As a child of narcissists, I recognize these destructive tendencies and I actively steer my attitudes and actions away from repeating the cycle of abuse. There’s even a Post-Narcissist Stress Disorder, PNSD.I was wounded.On my journey of self-discovery, I have learned the hard lesson of how to forgive. I no longer blame my ex for the problems we faced while we were in a relationship. I used to be very angry and bitter. Negativity ate me up inside. Now, when I remember, they are just facts. The events happened. I am unemotional about it. I am no longer ashamed or afraid.He had his issues and I had mine. But I feel that I have mostly overcome my issues. I feel much more comfortable with who I am now than I did then.I have grown up.I have moved on.The best thing I ever did was leave the state where I grew up and where my ex and his family still reside. I took my daughter and we literally and figuratively escaped.I had to be independent of my parents.I had to learn to be self-reliant.I had to develop my own identity.Most kids do this gradually as teens and young adults, but I wasn’t allowed to do this in a natural or healthy way.I’m not going to rehash the failures in our relationship or the issues during and after the divorce. Perhaps another time.After many years of no contact from my ex, and no child support payments of the $20k+ back payments he owed, my current husband adopted my daughter. We also have three kids together. We realize that we are not perfect people. We have had our struggles and we had to grow up and learn what duty and commitment and healthy relationships look like. We have no role models. It’s been almost 14 years now.For years, my parents accused me of so many horrible things, of being an ungrateful daughter. They have written me hate mail – via paper letter and email – about how poorly I am raising my children, what a terrible mother I am, that I should physically discipline my kids. They even found a therapist to agree with them, to blame me for their unhappiness with themselves and the world, or so they said. They are bitter, angry people.And I no longer blame my parents for who they are and how mean they sometimes were. I forgive them. It still hurts and their words and actions affect me deep inside my core because they are my parents.I’ve done everything I can to break the cycle of abuse. I am constantly seeking ways of self-improvement.My daughter, who is now 18, struggles with abandonment issues even though she hasn’t physically seen her biological father since she was four years old. She contacted him via social media last year – with my knowledge and blessing – and has experienced nothing but disappointment and heartbreak as he accuses her of being brainwashed with my lies. He recently blocked her on Facebook and bragged about that to his family and friends – so any conversation between him and our daughter is over for the time being.I have so much paperwork to back up my story. I ache for her to heal the wounds of her past. I long for her to be healthy and whole. I pray for her relationships and mental health.And as for my parents…Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?Living in Texas, Hawaii, Utah, Germany, and now Ohio, and only having very limited contact with my parents has forced them to grow too. They’re 76 now.My father just sent me an email apologizing for his poor behavior and emotional distance the past twenty years – since I left home.So, we’re still making progress.Sometimes it does help to talk to mental health professional. 

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What If I Don’t Have Friends?

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Productive Homeschooling - Printables and Tools for every homeschool

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I don’t have any friends.

Maybe you can relate?

Come to think of it, I’ve never really had any real friends. I had lot of acquaintances because we were thrown together by similar circumstances – school classes, playing in the neighborhood after school, working…

My parents didn’t feel that it was important to teach me how to cultivate healthy friend relationships. They didn’t and don’t have any friends either.

Most of the “friends” I had while growing up destroyed their lives with drugs, sex, and other bad habits – during and after high school. I focused on my education and earned my Master’s degree, despite trying to fit into that destructive world. I guess I just compartmentalized well. While we all grew apart and I lost touch with them, I matured and was able to put the broken pieces of my life back together. Then there was no place for us in each other’s lives anymore.

Perhaps, being an only child and comfortable with myself, I exude a lack of need for others. I’m confident and naturally a leader. I’ve been told I’m intimidating. I had RBF before I even knew it’s a thing.

Some of it is surely my INTJ personality. I’m also a 1/5 Enneagram. I’m a loner.

Here are a few articles that confirm this: Intimidating and no BFFs. What’s it’s like being an introvert. And it’s not my problem if you don’t get me.

But now, as a mom with four children whom I feel that I need to teach how to make and keep friends and be friendly, it feels like a weakness that I have no friends.

All the shallow efforts I have wasted over the years…my entire lifetime! Feeling like a Molly Ringwald movies…and watching my kids go through the same things.

Here’s some history:

The mommy peer pressure is just too much.

I wish I had back all the money I blew through trying to keep up with mommy “friends.”

I should’ve remembered how I felt during Rush Week at university. I have to pay how much to be in a stupid sorority with girls I don’t even like? I remember one girl in a red dress (they were all wearing red dresses!) asked me what I liked to do. I told her, “I like to read.” She beamed a huge smile at me and gushed, “Oh, I love to read too! My favorite author is Danielle Steel.” I froze in horror and gave up on sororities. Money doesn’t buy friends.

I’m pretty simple, low-maintenance.

I’d rather wear Levi’s jeans, a 3/4-sleeve T-shirt, and TOMS – than trendy heels and designer clothes with a bunch of coordinating accessories. I like to be comfortable. I have no one to impress.

I’m an Air Force wife. I grew up an Army brat. Several officers’ wives made me feel less-than during our first few years of marriage.

We were pretty isolated, with no family nearby. We had little in common with my husband’s work peers.

So, I completely bought into their attitude of needing more stuff, wearing more jewelry, having the right purses, getting my hair and nails done, hiring a nanny and babysitters so I could go to OSC meetings and socialize.

I was told it would help my husband’s career. Because, you know, that’s my sole worth.

I tried to fit in, believing what those wives told me.

It wasn’t worth it.

I was miserable.

I lost at least three years striving after these unnecessary things.

Three years of putting my babies after my “needs.”

It shouldn’t matter what I look like. I don’t need name-brand makeup, trendy accessories, expensive hair highlights, or fake nails to be a good wife or mom.

No one cares what brand of shoes or purses I have. (If they do care about that, they’re not someone I want to be around.)

My kids don’t care what kind of car I drive. We had our Dodge minivan for almost 10 years and just recently traded it in for a newer model after it started really falling apart and I just couldn’t take it anymore. We’re down to one vehicle next month.

And then, I tried again with a different group of moms when we PCSed to a different base. Failed again. I give up with that whole group idea.

That time at playgroup when one mom with a Pottery Barn-decorated home was begging for sympathy about her mistake of giving her infant 2nd degree burns when she spilled her hot tea on him, but then she then scowled at me so superior and announced to everyone present that she would never leave a 10-year-old child alone.

I never went back to playgroup. I didn’t even know what to say to all that judgment.

When I’ve attended homeschool park or gym time, the other moms barely smile in my direction and never speak to me. They are shielded by their children. The moms of babies and toddlers huddle together. My kids are older now. My teen doesn’t come to park or gym day anymore, so I encourage my younger three to play while I sit on the sidelines with a book, and they stay close together, protecting each other from too many kids who don’t seem to know how to be kind or cooperative. Some moms feel the need to control gym time and organize relays and my kids don’t like that, so we haven’t gone back for a couple weeks.

I’ve analyzed my priorities.

We are hospitable. We have hosted gatherings for church and homeschool, neighbors and coworkers, without ever expecting reciprocation. We’ve sat in an empty house, waiting excitedly for anyone to show up to dinner and birthday parties, because apparently no one RSVPs anymore. I’m tired of stressing out and making so much effort for nothing.

It’s easier for me to be alone than to settle. Recently, the political climate has really brought the negativity out into the open and I have retreated further into my shell to avoid it.

If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. John 15:19

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

I dislike the position I always seem to find myself in when I’m in a group. No matter with whom and where, I get placed into teacher mode. People ask for advice, question me, talk about their health and troubles. I don’t understand it and it’s exhausting. While I loathe small talk, I also get drained by constantly being bombarded like this.

I don’t have a niche.

There is no village.

I’ve never had a group of friends.

I was a quiet loner all throughout school, crying myself to sleep because I didn’t have any friends. I was never picked by Karen (always the mom) to play house. The boys wouldn’t let me play Legos. I seldom went to birthday parties or sleepovers. Few kids ever came to my house for anything, even when I invited the whole class for my birthday. My mom was the room mom, making the crafts and planning the events and doing the story time. I was never successful at sports, much to my dad’s disappointment.

Lots of kids seemed to fit in, having their niche with no effort.

I told myself that I would blossom when I got older and finally find others who shared my interests and values.

High school was a social nightmare.

College was all go, go, go – working fulltime and classes fulltime and then mental breakdown and near death.

Almost ten years of destructive behaviors.

I didn’t fit in there either. Thank God.

I’m older now, and it all seems even more distant than ever.

My teen daughter can’t find her niche  either and she blames me.

She’s my opposite, never meeting a stranger, always friendly and can talk to anyone about anything. But I’ve made her cynical and over-analytical.

Part of me wants to apologize and make amends…and another part of me wants to rage against the system.

We’re transient as a military family. We’ve lived all over for 2-4 years at a time and that makes it difficult to create lasting friendships.

We’re almost used to the plethora of well-meaning, almost-interested barrage of questions and then the blank stares and uncomfortable smiles that don’t reach their eyes as people realize we’ve lived in Hawaii and Germany and Utah. That we’ve traveled all over.

They can’t relate. We can’t relate to the experience of living in the same town for 27 years.

I don’t want someone to mooch off me, either physically or emotionally. I’m not a therapist and while I love to listen and counsel, it gets draining when all someone wants to do is whine and complain all the time. I don’t want to be a babysitter to your kids so you can run off and play, neglecting your duties to your family.

Why can’t I find my place?

I’ve read so many books and blogs and articles about “how to find my tribe.” (BTW, the word tribe is offensive to Native Peoples.)

The authors make it sound so simple. Because for them, it was simple. Which makes me further feel that there’s something wrong with me.

I loathe these trite calls to action about finding my purpose.

There are even online quizzes on finding a niche or purpose.

I’ve been hurt. Yes, I’ve been bullied. Yes, my heart has been hardened.

Yet, I keep trying.

“If you feel like you don’t fit into the world you inherited it is because you were born to help create a new one.” ~ Ross Caligiuri, Dreaming in the Shadows

Why don’t I have a group?

I filter my relationships.

People have an obsession with never being at home.

For whatever reason, modern moms feel the need to spend all their time away from home, whether it’s at a paying job, volunteering, social outings, or shopping.

They teach their kids that this is normal by throwing them into every activity they can sign them up for so they’re never home either.

These moms and their kids are all so busy all the time.

We were excluded at our last church because we didn’t participate in Scouts or game hunting. Some of the older lady members excluded me because they assumed and didn’t trust that I could cook for potlucks or plan anything well. So welcoming. Neither my husband nor I are ever asked to be in leadership because it is well-known we move every few years and the terms are usually 3 years.

The older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children,  to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good… Titus 2:4-5, emphasis mine

Then they complain about their busyness and get sympathetic nods and duck faces from other “busy” moms.

So much for any idea of planning a park meetup or play date or just hanging out for coffee or tea.

Their kids are in school all day, then every afternoon it’s something: Scouts, violin lessons, golf clinic, French tutoring, swim team, gymnastics, or dance.

Even the homeschoolers: they send their kids to enrichment classes or co-op or partial days and extracurriculars at the public school, and it’s the same thing in the afternoons: Scouts, music, language, sports, clubs, lessons.

It’s not worth it to me if you have to schedule a play date or social event with me or my family months in advance. Or cancel at the last minute.

There’s no spontaneity anymore.

People have an obsession with entertainment.

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life —is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever. 1 John 2:15-17

If people aren’t rushing around, going places, and doing things, they’re pursuing mindless entertainment.

What is with these adult coloring books? Is it a cry for help that people are so stressed they need to resort to that comforting hobby we had as kids? The “shut up and color” mentality is killing our creativity. Or is that no one wants to be a responsible adult, so they try to prolong the illusion of childhood by coloring and avoiding?

And what is with these coloring and journaling Bibles? It’s not enough to just read and apply the teachings of the Bible? I’m so tired of seeing all this advertised and bragged about on social media.

I don’t watch the same TV shows or read the same books. I have higher standards. Much of what is popular is just garbage.

We don’t do amusement parks. We just don’t waste our time and money on that. Yeah, I don’t do Disney. That’s an unpopular idea.

I couldn’t care less about sports.

Leisure activities are idols.

I don’t understand the itching to throw the kids into a preschool in order to “socialize” them and “have more time to yourself.” To do what, exactly? I know so many women who have no self-worth as a mother. They get rid of their kids to pursue their own selfish interests.

We don’t spend our money on much entertainment. We travel frequently and eat well at home and seldom buy “stuff.”

Our entertainment: museums, history, culture, cuisine.

I don’t know what to do with people who don’t read or travel.

People have an obsession with food.

Why do so many American women have thyroid issues? Why do so many Americans have weight problems? I think many health and personal problems are exacerbated by eating out in fast food and casual dining restaurants. The quality and nutrition of the food are poor.

Food is an idol for many.

We don’t like fast food or takeout at home either. It helps that we’re a long way from the nearest restaurants. The food would be all cold by the time we got it home anyway.

We cook from scratch almost all the time. I prefer to know exactly what we are ingesting.

I don’t want to go out to eat.

We seldom go out to eat. It’s expensive and the food is seldom worth it. It’s more stress for me to get myself and the kids dressed and out the door, wait at a restaurant, potentially have a rude server or a mistake on my order than to prepare healthy, yummy meals at home. We don’t even really like to eat out on special occasions. We occasionally go out when we travel, but we are very picky and it’s usually just for lunch in order to save money and leave behind the crowds. I read reviews and have a few favorites around the world.

Our kids often get interrogated at church or homeschool events about their food choices. My kids choose for themselves what to eat and drink, based on our conversations and education at home. I don’t interrogate others about their choices, good or bad, but these people argue with us about what we eat or don’t eat!

One local American homeschool mom hasn’t spoken to me since I explained my stance on eating out. For them, it’s entertainment, and that’s their choice.

People have their heads in the sand.

Few people I try to converse with have any real knowledge or understanding of government, popular culture, political issues, history, the arts, classic literature, or anything I feel is important.

Many people don’t even know basic geography.

Too many people get their news from social media and we should all know that all media is biased and tells us only what they want us to know.

I don’t care for small talk.

The last few months leading up to and after the presidential election has brought the crazies out of the woodworks. What before was taboo to be said out loud is now being shouted at strangers on the stree and written loud and proud on social media. We always knew there were people with these views, but to witness it and have to explain the hatred to our children is saddening.

If we stand by, silent, doing nothing, then we are part of the problem.

I don’t have time for shallow people with bigoted or ignorant views.

I feel like a minority.

I’m embarrassed to be white. I’m embarrassed to be American. I’m embarrassed to be middle class. All throughout history, those two things have been signs of forced superiority and it disgusts me that others look at me and don’t really see me, but only see my skin and nationality and assume the worst. We’ve traveled and the attitudes people have about Americans is troubling to me. We’re not all like Fox News portrays!

As a Christian, I often feel looked down on because of my faith. What bewilders me is when other Christians criticize and judge. Their lack of love and knowledge of Jesus saddens me. They too often compromise and have little integrity. I don’t want to have to explain away some Christians’ behavior and life choices to my children. Many of my husband’s co-workers and homeschool moms in our community are shocked that I allow my 16-year-old to read Stephen King novels, watch R-rated movies, get a tattoo, nose and belly button piercings.

They don’t like how I allow my children freedom to learn without grades, without punishments or rewards, with no strict standards. They are bewildered.

How is it any of their business? They feel threatened somehow.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? Matthew 16:26

As a homeschool mom, I am seldom sought out for friendship by parents whose kids attend school. We might have some things in common, but I wouldn’t know. I understand that I’m usually not free during the day since I’m educating my kids, but there are other times and exceptions. Even in the homeschool community, I don’t have much in common with others because we educate and parent very differently than mainstream families. I have four kids – currently ages 6 (my only son), 9, 10, and 16. I feel discounted by those who don’t have the same or similar family dynamics. People seem indoctrinated and comfortable in sexism and ageism belief systems. There are lots of specific playgroups planned lately, like “8 year old boys.” Why so much exclusion? We’re pretty laid back, don’t do testing, have no real schedule, have a varied curricula, learn year-round. People seem shocked at the things I don’t do.

As a military spouse, we move around a lot and I think many people don’t want to bother investing time in a friendship that might end when we move away. Even with social media to keep in touch easily. And a family we thought were our friends at our last location visited our new city for an entire week and did not even want to meet up to say hi or have a drink or meal together. It was hurtful. And I don’t play Bunko or care about Coach purses.

I have boundaries.

When someone sees the same people every day, they wind up becoming a part of that person’s life. And then they want the person to change. If someone isn’t what others want them to be, the others become angry. Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own. ~ Paulo Coelho

I’ve lost several friends the last few years because I have boundaries for myself and my family.

Some people were passive-aggressive and unfriended me on Facebook while still seeing me at social functions or even at church weekly. Classy. Mature.

I don’t have many personal contacts on social media. I have extended family and a few people I’ve known since I was very young. Many of them I’ve unfollowed. I don’t want to see what they post. I don’t post much at all. I’m private. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to the world by having 5,000 “friends” on Facebook. I don’t get the trend of friending everyone, even if you’ve never met IRL. It makes no sense to me to be confronted in a public place for not accepting a “friend request.” I actually have only about 30 friends and they’re my family members, a few friends, and past students. It’s a personal choice. Follow my public Facebook page.

I am not responsible for solving people’s personal problems or to reconcile adults who quarrel with each other. I don’t want to be in the middle of any of that. Group chats are not for me. Any emails where people feel the need to “reply all” with ridiculous and childish comments is not anything I want to be involved in.

I protect my children from bullies and especially adults who disrespect children. I don’t want us to be around that kind of negativity.

I have even flat out been told that I am overconfident and too much of a leader and unapproachable and that they are jealous of my abilities. Sorry, not sorry.

I am confident in my life decisions and daily challenges and I won’t apologize for that. I don’t need random affirmation from strangers or acquaintances. I’m not a whiner.

It’s exhausting to “play the game” at social events.

I seldom attend work parties with my husband. The plastered-on fake smiles that don’t reach the eyes, the weak drinks in sweaty palms, the tasteless overcooked food. Networking? Helping my husband’s career? No one cares if I’m there or not. They don’t even notice.

I don’t like the unorganized homeschool holiday or theme parties. My kids have actually requested not to attend anymore.

We don’t attend the church potlucks where we try to guess what’s in this or that and our kids get interrogated about why they won’t eat Cheetos or drink Hawaiian Punch.

I have a couple of friends with whom I interact mostly online. I have actually met them IRL and I think the distance helps us not to irritate each other unnecessarily. I ignore it when they actually want to speak on the telephone or anything like that. We mostly send memes back and forth. Is that all friendship has become?

I can play the game. I don’t have anxiety. But it’s all so stressful.

I just a really great intellectual conversation with my optometrist. I guess I’m a loser.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

Surely, it can’t all be my fault?

Is it pride? What’s wrong with me? Do I have a superiority complex?

We have a family joke that I am sad to say my kids are picking up on: I must just be a deterrent to people, like a magnet repelling everyone. All the memes about being introverted and sarcastic and anti-social? I guess those are about me.

Yes, I know the old adage of “to have a friend, be a friend.” After 40+ years of effort, it gets tiresome to constantly get alienated, ridiculed, passed over, uninvited.

All this being said, it’s sad to have only shallow relationships, acquaintances online, to be a stranger within a community, with only passing hellos and little waves as greetings.

I don’t really like feeling like I’m always on the outside, looking in, but it’s always been this way.

Be careful how far you push me away; I may end up liking it there.

People don’t value real friendships much anymore. The Internet is a surrogate for real social interaction.

I’ve scrutinized my circumstances, attitude, conversations, facial expressions (I do not have a poker face!), body language, triggers, past relationships…and I do make effort to be kind and courteous and friendly to people. With little or no return.

I try to offer grace and compassion to others. I know we are all sinners. I know I am imperfect as well.

I have my husband, children, and Jesus.

So, I use the time that could be taken up with “friends” to focus on our family’s priorities: traveling, cooking, bird watching, gardening, reading, homeschooling, studying scripture and Bible history, traveling, learning about the topics we enjoy.

Perhaps this is a season that will pass. Maybe it’s a stepping stone to somewhere else.

Maybe this is who I am and where I should be. I don’t like the us vs. them mentality. I’m in my second season of life and feel like I’m surrounded by immaturity.

People like me don’t have people. We are the people that people have.

Do you feel you have a lot of real friends?

Do you think social media is a detriment to friendships?

Linking up: Life of Faith, Practical Mom, Squishable Baby, Fresh Start, Modest Mom, Donna Reidland, Strangers & Pilgrims on Earth, Marilyns Treats, Proverbs 31 Wife, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Rich Faith Rising, What Joy is Mine, Teaching What Is Good, Darling Downs Diaries, Tell Me a True Story, Raising Homemakers, Holley Gerth, Jaime Wiebel, Messy Marriage, Pat and Candy, Saving 4 Six, Katherine’s Corner, Jamiffer, Women with Intention, Classical Homemaking, Bountiful Love, Feeding Big, Creative K Kids, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Sincerely Paula, Happy and Blessed Home, Life with Lorelai, Missional Women, Create with Joy, Being a Wordsmith, Crafty Moms Share,
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Top 5 Life Changing Decisions

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It’s important to me to analyze my goals and vision for my family.

Top 5 Life Changing Decisions

Five decisions have changed our lives for the better.

  1. Homeschooling

    I used to be a teacher. I taught middle school, high school, and university.
    Homeschooling my own children has probably been our greatest decision as a family.
    School is not necessary.
    As a student and a teacher, I had very few good experiences. I wanted better for my children.We’ve experiemented with different curricula over the years, and have finally gotten to a comfortable place, with very little scheduling. My kids own their learning experiences, make decisions, and we respect their choices.
    We don’t participate in a co-op. We learn at home.

  2. Alternative health

    We made the shift from allopathic medicine to primarily alternative methods about five years ago.
    My husband was on several medications that really didn’t improve his health. He was on meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, pre-diabetes, and a diuretic. We made several lifestyle changes that enabled him to not need those medications anymore, so he gradually weaned off and the doctors gave him the all-clear to quit taking them. He no longer has any health issues.
    Our eldest child was diagnosed with ADHD, but we didn’t like the common methods from the medical community expected to manage that. We sought alternatives and loved all the results.
    We use essential oils, cod liver oil, vitamins, exercise, the outdoors, and healthy real foods to be proactive about our health.
    We do go to doctors if needed – for injuries, and recently, for one of our daughter’s double ear infections. And yes, she took antibiotics. I think this is the first time any of my three younger children ever has!

    We made a radical decision to eat healthier about ten years ago.
    I was in adrenal failure after the two back-to-back births of my middle daughters and was prescribed many vitamins and a paleo diet (before it was even a thing).
    As a family, we added in more whole foods, and lessened our daughters’ intake of certain chemicals, but we didn’t eliminate all processed food.
    When we did eliminate the processed foods about five years ago, we really saw some wonderful changes in our health, mood, behavior, and energy levels.
    The ADHD symptoms mostly went away. Our weight leveled out. Medical labs came back better and meds were no longer needed.
    We continue to eat mostly natural foods, cheating only occasionally. We all feel so much better because of this!

  3. Faith

    It’s been an arduous journey to discover my faith.
    I didn’t grow up with church or religion other than attending a Lutheran church with my grandma twice a year when she visited. I said a blessing at dinner and a little recited prayer before bed.
    As I grew up, I began to realize something was missing and I resented how my dad ridiculed my grandma’s and others’ faith.
    I started attending a Pentecostal church with my first husband. It was an extreme introduction to church and so vastly different from my grandma’s Lutheran service. I was swept up in the teachings of the charismatic doctrine.
    I experienced some spiritual abuse – for being an outspoken woman, asking questions for understanding, and then shamed for divorce. It was all very confusing and I had few truly wise counselors. Then two different self-proclaimed “Christian” employers abused their positions and fired me for arbitrary reasons when I needed a job the most.
    When I met my new husband, I began attending a Presbyterian church at his request since that’s what he grew up with. It was bland and a show for the rich in town.
    Moving around so much with the military has exposed our family to several different denominations and church experiences.
    We attended a fundamental Baptist church in Hawaii that confirmed everything I don’t want for my family. It was very legalistic and narrow-minded. They even had brochures in the lobby with scriptures supporting how women and children should appear and behave!
    Then we attended a Presbyterian church in Utah with an amazing pastor, but little in the way of adult Sunday school. We recently attended a Lutheran church, but it offers little in the way of spiritual growth for our family. The lay leaders are very liberal and the new pastor wants to make a lot of changes and compromises. We’re mostly just bored.
    I read a lot and I’m dismayed by the religious best sellers and their outright heretical teachings. So many Christians and churches support these authors and their books, having classes and conferences, spreading these lies that people devour since they don’t know any better. The children and I read devotionals and scripture every morning and evening together.
    It’s my job to seek out the truth for them.

  4. Respectful parenting

    I’m dealing with my own past and learning how to be more respectful towards my children. I grew up with extremely authoritarian parents, very conditional, walking on eggshells. I want to have a good relationship with my kids. We’ve gone away from punishment and rewards and it’s very liberating. I’ve changed my whole perspective on parenting and it’s very enjoyable. The kids and I have marvelous discussions about all sorts of things. I’m delighted at their interests and how well they get along with each other. I know I’m on the right track, and it feels revolutionary.
    I’m now highly aware of other parents when they disrespect their children and it saddens me. I realize that much of Western culture is still steeped in Puritanical beliefs that children should be seen and not heard and are incapable of making decisions even about their own bodies and needs. These beliefs create adults who can’t make decisions without an authority approving it. I should know!
    I know from experience that children are very capable and trustworthy.

  5. Being debt-free

    It’s important to us that we are not tied down financially. We are *this* close to being debt-free! We were once before, a few years ago, but we got sucked back into credit card debt.
    This decision greatly affects the way we live in that our priorities are different than most. We focus on investments for the future. We delay instant gratification for longer term benefits. We teach our kids the value of money.
    We simplified our needs and purged our stuff to only what we use regularly.
    When we desire to make a purchase, we think about it, pray about it, and often wait to see if it is truly needed or if a better deal comes along. Sometimes, the desire goes away or a different opportunity presents itself.
    We like to be able to travel frequently. It’s important that I show my kids the world to expand their views and educate them.

What decisions have affected your life?

Linking up: Life of Faith, Blogghetti. Proverbs 31 Wife, What Joy is Mine, Strangers & Pilgrims on Earth, Darling Downs Diaries, Donna Reidland, Marilyns Treats, A Fresh Start, Inspiration for Moms, Modest Mom, Curly Crafty Mom, Practical Mom,  Rich Faith Rising, Teaching What is Good, Holly Barrett, VMG206, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Tell Me a True Story, Pat and Candy, Holley Gerth, Jaime Wiebel,  Messy Marriage, 3D Lessons 4Life, Penny’s Passion, Katherine’s Corner, Jamiffer, Bountiful Love, Women with Intention, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Creative K Kids, Feeding Big, Classical Homemaking, Life with Lorelai, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Missional Women, Sincerely Paula, Create with Joy, RCH Reviews,  Being a Wordsmith,
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Dealing with Disappointment

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We all deal with disappointments, whether it’s a bad grade on a test, a pregnancy or miscarriage, not receiving a job or promotion we think we deserved, getting PCS orders to a less-than-desired locale, or the presidential candidate of our choice losing the race.

I don’t think we as a culture know how to handle disappointment.

We give medals, trophies, and ribbons for participating. There’s no incentive for trying to do a good job anymore. Mediocrity reigns!

We complain, cry, or even riot when we don’t get our way. We are a nation of sore losers.

How we handle disappointment shows a lot about our maturity level.

I’ve lost numerous jobs. I have two failed marriages. I have countless lost friendships. I have a rocky relationship with my parents. Being a military wife brings its share of disappointments with deployments and PCSes.

As a daughter and friend, wife and mother, I constantly feel like a failure.

Life has ups and downs. People fail us. Tragedies happen.

I’ve had to learn the hard way to handle disappointment in a mature way in order to model that to my kids.

It’s true that a mama’s attitude affects the whole household.

We have to teach our children how to handle disappointment well and to bounce back from defeat.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

It’s ok to get emotional.

Our gut reactions to disappointment are normal.

We get sad, scared, upset, angry. We’re disappointed. It’s negative. It’s ok to cry a little, but don’t dwell in that negative state for long. Don’t get depressed. Take action.

Analyze it and move on.

Every single time I get disappointed, it brings to mind every past hurt in my entire life history. I get sick to my stomach. I worry. I get anxious. I rehash conversations in my head. I loathe myself for the destructive relationships I was in then. I think what could’ve should’ve been. I imagine what if I could go back in time and redo it or tell myself what I know now? I blame myself, often unnecessarily.

Emotions are what make us human. Make us real. The word ’emotion’ stands for energy in motion. Be truthful about your emotions, and use your mind and emotions in your favor, not against yourself. ~Robert T. Kiyosaki

Who’s to blame?

Not that we should always place blame, but it sometimes helps to know who is at fault.

We ask ourselves: Did I mess up?

In this fallen world, sometimes plans are purposely sabotaged. People are mean. We are bullied. It seems as if evil wins.

Try to resolve the situation with the other person if possible. Have a plan for the conversation and a resolution in mind. Sincere apologies go a long way towards forgiveness and healing.

Sometimes confrontation and reconciliation aren’t possible, and having no closure can be even harder to bear.

People we love hurt us. It’s just a part of life. Sometimes, commitment and duty are the only threads holding us together in bad times.

Things get lost. Trust is sometimes misplaced. People forget to do or say things. Lies are revealed. Bad things happen to good people.

Sometimes, there is no one to blame. We shouldn’t take everything so personally.

We can dwell on these things and let hate and rage devour us, or we can take note of it, forgive, and move on.

The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes. ~Thomas Hardy

What were expectations?

Do I expect too much?

Were my instructions not clear? What could I have done differently? Why doesn’t she like me?

Self-reflection and analysis are healthy.

Sometimes, we are just let down by those we depend on.

We shouldn’t lower our expectations because of this. We should hold our standards high. But we should also be realistic.

I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine. ~Bruce Lee

Try, try again.

Be proactive for next time. Yes, there will be a next time.

Disappointment builds character, especially patience, when you allow that to mold you. Learn to lose with grace.

Don’t beat yourself up. Fix whatever can be fixed. Learn from your mistakes. Look on the bright side.

Yes, it’s easier said than done.

Love anyway.

There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums. ~Michael J. Fox

Have faith.

Pray. Meditate. Read. Create. Journal your feelings.

Everything happens for a reason.

Some of of my greatest disappointments created amazing opportunities.

This is maturity.

When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way.  ~Paulo Coelho

Get with like-minded friends.

Find comfort with those who can and will agree with you. You will learn who your real friends are during bad times. We should be there for each other – to be shoulders to cry on and iron sharpening iron.

There’s no shame in unfriending bigots on social media. You should sever toxic friendships (and sometimes even family members) online and in real life. Protect your boundaries.

Don’t waste words on people who deserve your silence. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing.

A hug or a cuppa with a friend goes a long way towards healing. We need friends to inspire hope.

I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light. ~Helen Keller

How do you handle disappointment? How do you help your kids through it?


Linking up: Proverbs 31 Wife, Strangers & Pilgrims on Earth, Darling Downs Diaries, Donna Reidland, What Joy is Mine, Marilyns Treats, The Mrs. Tee, Curly Crafty Mom, Practical Mom, Blogghetti, Life of Faith, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Fresh Start, Inspiration for Moms, Modest Mom, Reflections of the Heart, Rich Faith Rising, Teaching what is Good, VMG206, Tell Me a True Story, Hip Homeschool Moms, Holley Gerth, Jaime Wiebel, Christian Blogger Community, Messy Marriage, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Pat and Candy, Classical Homemaking, Jamiffer, Raising Homemakers, Wise Woman, Tots and Me, Bountiful Love, Katherine’s Corner, Saving 4Six, Creative K Kids, Organized 31, Missional Women, Fab Working Mom Life, Sincerely Paula, Create with Joy, RCH Reviews, Diary of a Real Housewife, Penny’s Passion, Life with Lorelai, Happy and Blessed Home, Being a Wordsmith, Crafty Moms Share, Lori Schumaker

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How to Be Happy

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I’ve suffered from depression for most of my life.

I was a melancholy, serious child.

I was a sullen teen.

I was a self-destructive young adult.

I struggled as a young wife and mother.

I’m 40 now, and while I don’t have all the answers, I have come to terms with who I am, what my expectations are, what my needs are, and what my goals for the future should be.

Being happy isn’t really the goal.

I don’t need a dare or challenge to be happy.

The idea of happiness calls to mind laughter and silliness, and that’s not usually lasting joy.

I prefer to use the term “content.”

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance andneed. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:11b-13

It’s not my job to make my children happy.

I’m not their entertainer, fixer, cruise director.

I don’t plan playdates or fix their conflicts with each other or teachers.

Kids need to learn to manage their negative feelings in order to be successful adults. If I run to fix every negative feeling or try to take it away, I create fragile kids. I prefer to listen to their complaints and then ask them what they’re going to do about it. Sometimes, they just need to vent or an empathetic shoulder to cry on – with no advice or fixing.

I see many parents who exhibit immature behavior and emotions, threatening their children, being passive-aggressive, narcissistic. They place blame on the child for their own poor reactions to disappointment. The media portrays many adults with dysfunctional emotions and even glorifies the immature parent who cannot show their children unconditional love or healthy emotions.

And I’ve lived some very dark days.

It’s my job as a parent to model happiness, being content, the spectrum of healthy emotions to all of life’s ups and downs.

These are the ways I’ve found over the last few years help me to be happy:

  1. Forgive.

    There’s just no point holding onto anger, hatred, bitterness. Let it go. I’ve seen the horrible effects of unforgiveness and how it hurts everyone. Also, forgiving oneself is extremely difficult. I am still learning how to deal with disappointment in a healthy way.

  2. Get outside.

    I try to go outside at least 30 minutes a day. It’s often hard and I don’t always feel like it, especially if the weather isn’t ideal. The fresh air and nature is good for me. I try to take a little walk around the village, or preferably a little hike on our forest trail. Sometimes, I just sit in the garden. It provides peaceful reflection.

  3. Eliminate stress.

    I actively evaluate and re-evalute everything we do and have to eliminate clutter and stress. I try to exercise regularly. I want to be healthy and still be around for my grandkids. Stress weakens the heart and mind.

  4. Worship.

    It’s taken me years to educate myself about religion and faith and really seek God. While it’s a lifetime process, I finally feel like I’m on the right track to a faith-filled life. Prayer really works.

  5. Turn off.

    Don’t trade in emotions for food, screens, or retail therapy. There’s no reason for a screen to be on all the time. Interact with family and friends or just sit in silence. Noise is stressful. I don’t have a TV now but I never used one for background noise. I like to hear the birds and crickets and wind and rain.

  6. Get rest.

    I make sure to get enough sleep. I also take time to rest in the afternoons, with tea and music or a good book. We need rest to assimilate new information. I also like to take walks alone in the mornings before our day begins. It helps me to recharge. We have a restful and peaceful home and homeschool without stress or rushing around with too many obligations.

  7. Express yourself.

    I think too many of us spend too much time worrying about what others think and we seldom express our true selves, maybe not even to ourselves. Do what you love. Create. Write. Wear the hat. Buy the shoes. Paint your nails. Do what you love. Be who you are meant to be. Often expressing emotions in a creative or healthy way can help us to overcome the past or the negativity. I’m still learning to get in touch with my creative side after years of suppression.

  8. Be affectionate.

    Life is too short for regrets. While I’m not a big hugger, I remind myself to fill up the love tanks of my children. I learn their love languages and listen for their needs and I try to meet them.

  9. Replace the voice.

    You know the one. That sometimes rather loud voice that tells you that you’re not enough. Start training that voice to say something else. Think positive. While there’s always room for improvement, it’s never necessary to beat yourself down. Grant yourself small victories and reward yourself for meeting little goals.

  10. Eat well.

    I evaluated our eating habits years ago and made some changes and we’re all a lot healthier on natural whole foods than processed, chemical dyes, artificial flavorings, and fake sugars. We like good food and we learn how to make it as a family.

I often need to remind myself about this list.

It’s my job to be a role model for my children, modeling healthy emotional behaviors and reactions.

I also use essential oils and take dietary supplements and I feel that these help boost my moods. I’m always learning. I’m always re-evaluating my priorities.

I still sometimes sink into a rut or something upsets me or reminds me of the past. It’s important to allow a moment to grieve. It’s healthy to give into emotions and embrace them occasionally, but never to wallow in the negative.

And never say the trite little “Just smile more. Just pray more. Just be happy. How can you be sad?”

Depression is real. This is how I choose to manage it.


Linking up: Darling Downs Diaries, Missional Women, Modest Mom, Moms the Word, Strangers and Pilgrims on Earth, Curly Crafty Mom, Marilyns Treats, Sarah Celebrates, VMG206, Sweet Little Ones, Practical Mom, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Purposeful Faith, Lori Schumaker, Mary Andering Creatively,  A Fresh Start, Written Reality, Life of Faith, Inspiration for Moms, Denise Designed, Juggling Real Food and Real Life, Holley Gerth, Messy Marriage, Jaime Wiebel, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Cornerstone Confessions, Women with Intention, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Frog’s Lilypad, Al Things Beautiful, A Bountiful Love, Wondermom Wannabe, Saving 4 Six, Katherine’s Corner, Live Laugh Rowe, I Choose Joy, Pat and Candy, A Kreative Whim, The Natural Homeschool, Happy and Blessed Home, Susan B Mead, xoxo Rebecca, Sincerely Paula, Create with Joy, RCH Reviews, Missional Women, Life with Lorelai, Juggling Real Food and Real Life, Being a Wordsmith, Janis Cox,

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