We don’t have any family nearby or any relationship with any family really anyway.

When my daughter and I told our therapists about my parents and the in-laws, they were just like, “Well, that’s a clusterf*ck.”

I really needed the affirmation that it’s not me. I needed an outsider to tell me that I tried really hard to develop a relationship and was met at every turn with negativity, disdain, ridicule. I needed a third party to tell my my parents aren’t the nicest people and that I’m not a bad child.

I’ve always felt out of place – at home, at school, with my own aunts and uncles and cousins, with people whom I thought were my friends over the years and at various places where we’ve lived.

May all that is unforgiven in you Be released. May your fears yield Their deepest tranquillities. May all that is unlived in you Blossom into a future Graced with love.

John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

It was nothing new to me to feel a little awkward around my new family. I just tried harder. and more.

I don’t have any good role models for healthy relationships. I am winging it and reparenting myself and doing my best to raise four healthy children without trauma.

We live in a generation that is highly skilled at allowing connections to fade away. Because of social media and cell phones, we think people are replaceable, and that’s silly. You cannot replace the energy of someone who is genuine especially if they’re putting the consistent effort out, to be in your life. Appreciate them, cherish them, those people are gold.

Sylvester Mcnutt

Grieving Family

My husband’s parents passed away the first year we married.

I know it’s really hard for him even still, probably forever. I never had time to build a relationship at all.

While most newlyweds stress over which holidays to spend with which inlaws, I never got to have that delight. We’ve never had the ability to travel over the holidays to visit my parents in Georgia or Aaron’s two sisters in Illinois after his mom passed.

Neither my husband nor I really know our cousins or extended family.

I am the youngest grandchild and many of my aunts, uncles, and older cousins have been passing away frequently the last few years.

We moved to Texas our second year of marriage and I tried really hard to develop a relationship with his paternal uncle living there – which was my husband’s entire reason for wanting to move there. A relationship just never developed after two years. We had dinner a couple times and that was about the extent of it. We were just never accepted. It doesn’t help that he raves about the two sisters and their kids online and travels annually to Illinois to visit them and extending family. He just completely ignores us.

Grieving Sisters

I tried and tried and tried to develop a relationship with my husband’s two sisters but it has always been a failure.

They don’t want me.

As an only child, I am equally devastated and indifferent.

I didn’t see them from our second year of marriage at his mom’s funeral until about four years later.

I flew from Utah to Chicago for his youngest sister’s outdoor July wedding with four children, alone, while my husband was deployed. At the time I felt honored my middle girls were requested to be flower girls. My son was barely a year old and spent too much time with babysitters who were strangers to us. My eldest daughter (from a previous relationship) was asked to be an usher until I pitched a minor fit for her to be a junior bridesmaid like the other sister’s daughter. The uncle was even rude to me at the wedding and reception, seriously?

I was picked up from the airport by the middle sister and put my son in a filthy borrowed carseat. She took us to her house and fed my kids eggs and ramen. I was stressed and exhausted and I felt like a burden the entire week as I tried to compensate by cooking every meal for 9 people, cleaning, doing laundry, buying presents. I even disposed of a rodent family in her basement and cleaned up cat pee when the cat freaked out with all the air mattresses my kids were using in her territory.

That might have been the beginning of the end for me.

They drove down to visit us our last summer in Utah before we even knew we were moving to Europe. It was stressful. I felt like an entertainer, cook, tour director. We were constantly on the move since it was their vacation. Nothing I did seemed good enough and I was exhausted.

They haven’t visited us since we moved to Ohio. They couldn’t fit us in their schedule between sports tournaments that they traveled to/from on the road right near us.

I had to stop following my husband’s sisters, brothers-in-law, cousins, and uncle because their entire social media is softball, baseball, sports, kitschy crafts, home remodeling, and how great their friends and family are – except me and my children.

They’ve told my husband to tell me to quit writing and posting online about homeschooling since they feel it’s a kick in the teeth to them, as public school teachers. As if I didn’t teach in various school environments for ten years before committing to homeschooling. I’ve examined my posts and my heart and I’ve tried to be kind, welcoming, open, forgiving over and over again. I realize many families have vast differences and I want to accept and learn from those differences. I have a voice and I will use it.

For a long time, I just told myself it’s because we didn’t get a lot of time to get to know one another before I married Aaron and we move frequently with the military. I want to understand they’re closer to each other than they can ever be to me and my kids. But it’s becoming obvious that I’m not wanted nor welcomed.

I stressed for ten or so years to send the perfect thoughtful presents of equal value to my husband’s middle sister’s three kids at Christmas and birthdays while receiving handmedowns that I wouldn’t even donate to thrift stores and dollar spot junk in return. When I asked to exchange gift cards instead since we moved overseas, it was met with exasperation and online gift lists. I asked to just stop exchanging gifts or gift cards and I know that didn’t go over well.

We offered to meet any or all of them for dinner when we visited Chicago, which is about an hour away from where they live. We drove 7ish hours for an event that got canceled last minute. They couldn’t fit us into their schedule.

His youngest sister and husband fostered and recently adopted a little girl and I didn’t even know. I found out on social media.

I just always wanted to be a part of a big family and have my kids be loved by a big family and it just hurts me that we’re not wanted nor welcome.

Grieving my Parents

My parents adore my husband. They adore my son.

They don’t care for me or my daughters and they aren’t even trying to hide it. We even often get lesser gifts at holidays.

My parents claim they’re on “a fixed income” which is a great reality for many elderly people, but they own a 3500 sq. ft. house, 3 vehicles, no bills, and a mortgage of $850/month as they sit back and receive several retirement checks and social security that total more than my husband makes.

I try not to be bitter and I seldom ask for anything.

When my parents casually ask any of us what we want for a birthday or Christmas, we never know what the right answer is because we’ve been told so many times to choose something else, that they won’t be able to get that.

I received hate mail after my parents visited me during my husband’s deployment – in May, but not the week of my youngest daughter’s birthday or over Mother’s Day. They refused to stay at my house and instead opted for a nearby hotel. They sauntered over midday, about lunchtime and then naptime for my son. It disrupted our whole schedule and they kept telling my girls to go away and play outside or in the basement. I was super stressed and confused. My mom made my middle daughter cry about something irrelevant. They didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything except sit on my sofa and they were upset my TV was in the basement. Then, they got mad and left early and I later received an actual letter in the mail, outlining everything that’s wrong about me, my children, and my lack of good mothering skills. Also, that I should hit my children to make them never cry and behave perfectly.

I just always envisioned my kids having loving generous grandparents and it hurts me so bad that they don’t.

I never know what to say to my mother. She is disinterested in what the kids or I are ever doing. She doesn’t pay attention when I do tell her anything.

At least once a month, I realize I’ve really messed up again because my father quits communicating with me until I apologize and make amends for asking him to please stop sending me racist emails or he told me what an awful mother I am again and how worthless my almost twenty-year-old daughter is.

After 44 years of hearing how stupid and worthless I am, I wonder if I should just believe it.

I know I am an awful daughter.

They know what they’ve done.

I grieve the loss of relationships that never happened. I grieve my husband’s parents whom I never knew and only met a couple times. I grieve the uncle who doesn’t want us. I grieve the sisters I longed for my entire life who don’t want me. I grieve the cousins my children don’t know.

Just like mourning a physical death, my grief is real too. My grief comes in waves, at various times – suddenly and unexpected. I have never chosen to sever ties with anyone. I try and I try and I try again and again and again. I suffer the loss of something I never even had. There will probably never be closure. It’s never easy.

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

I asked my father to please stop sending me racist emails.

After ignoring me and pouting for a week, he sent me a hateful email telling me that he is proud of being a racist and he can cut me off if I don’t like it.

Well then.

He just told me that he wants to complain about Black people to me and speaking his mind is more important than maintaining a semblance of relationship with me.

My parents are racists.

I am 44 years old and my parents are turning 80. I am an only child.

My parents have disowned me before.

I was 21. They sent me a torn-up copy of their will in the mail and informed me that they had a new one filed with their lawyer, leaving their estate to a local college.

He has ignored me for weeks, months, even years.

I didn’t realize I grew up in an abusive household until very recently. I was spanked as a child, but that was normal for my generation. He seldom hit me after I was a teen, but I have extreme trauma responses to certain verbal phrases and tones of voice. I was frequently told I was stupid and worthless when I disagreed with my parents or didn’t meet their expectations. I was often negatively compared to my father’s mother.

My mother doesn’t have a thought of her own. She just echoes my father. She brags about her selfishness as a teen, young adult, and her years of marriage before I was born thirteen years later. My family and I have seen her selfishness in action numerous times.

I was not allowed to socialize with anyone who wasn’t White and appropriate. This wasn’t exceptionally difficult until I was a teenager since there really just weren’t that many non-Whites in my elementary school or neighborhood and races often separated themselves at lunch and on the playground throughout high school and college. I didn’t understand or think much about it then. It’s just the way things were.

My father was often traveling for work when I was growing up. He always said he hated it and he had anxiety from the stress, but it was much more pleasant for my mom and me not having him around much.

I couldn’t have friends over to the house if he was home.

I don’t remember him being at any of my birthday parties.

He didn’t come to the hospital when I attempted suicide.

He refused to come to my first wedding.

He refused to attend my graduation ceremony when I earned my Master’s degree in education.

He didn’t visit me when I gave birth to my son.

He sent me hate mail while my husband was deployed the first time, telling me what an awful mother I am, after they cut their visit short in rage.

He had a tantrum and broke promises to my children when we stayed briefly at my parents’ house during our PCS from Germany to Ohio.

He’s told me many times that it’s all my fault, that I am disrespectful and selfish.

Since I always put myself last, it especially hurts deep when I’m called selfish.

It’s really hard sometimes.

Therapists makes it sound so easy that I should find and have a support system. Moving every 2-4 years with the military makes that harder than it should be.

I’ve never had a support system. I am all I have.

I’m tired of walking on eggshells all the time.

Grief is real.

Though its way is to strike
In a dumb rhythm,
Stroke upon stroke,
As though the heart
Were an anvil,
The hurt you sent
Had a mind of its own.
Something in you knew
Exactly how to shape it,
To hit the target,
Slipping into the heart
Through some wound-window
Left open since childhood.
While it struck outside,
It burrowed inside,
Made tunnels through
Every ground of confidence.
For days, it would lie still
Until a thought would start it.
Meanwhile, you forgot,
Went on with things
And never even knew
How that perfect
Shape of hurt
Still continued to work.
Now a new kindness
Seems to have entered time
And I can see how that hurt
Has schooled my heart
In a compassion I would
Otherwise have never learned.
Somehow now I have begun to glimpse
The unexpected fruit
Your dark gift had planted
And I thank you
For your unknown work.

John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us

I just tried to set a small but clear boundary: stop sending me racist emails.

There’s a lot of white folks out there hanging on to their God-given right to look down on some other class of people. They feel it slipping away and they’re scared. This guy says he’s bringing back yesterday, even if he has to use brass knuckles to do it, and drag women back to the cave by their hair. He’s a bully, everybody knows that. But he’s their bully.

When men fear the loss of what they know, they will follow any tyrant who promises to restore the old order.

Barbara Kingsolver, Unsheltered

I couldn’t reply to his email or call him like he requested. I knew I would make it worse since I was so hurt, upset, and angry.

I try to capitulate. I try to write his attitudes off as old, retired Army, the way he grew up in the 50s. But those are just lame excuses. There are numerous others his age, military, with similar circumstances who are not racist.

Every time I think things are good, going well, I am shocked into this twisted reality where my parents are not good people, not nice people.

Then he sent me another email over the weekend that he had received his birthday card and orchid and apparently all is well.

This is not normal behavior. I shouldn’t have to appease him with gifts like he’s a god, like he thinks he is.

Is this the precursor to dementia, Alzheimer’s? I grew up with this kind of abuse cycle, but is it getting worse or is it that I’m just older and won’t abide it?

This can’t be ok.

We cannot control another’s behavior, but we can control our own response to another’s behavior.

Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and celebrating it for everything that it is.

Mandy Hale

Want To Have Better Conversations About Racism With Your Parents? Here’s How

He finally reluctantly came around and pretended we never had that email exchange, but he occasionally refers to “not being to talk about politics” in a sulk.

But it’s way more than politics. It’s more than the financial differences of the two parties in America for the past several hundred years. It’s about lives. For a man who is proud to have voted straight Republican his entire adult life, I can’t excuse it. For someone who voted for Trump twice, it is sheer hatred of other and I can’t excuse it.

All the effort to be antiracist and teach my family to be antiracist is worth it. Loving others and healing from our own abuses and trauma and relearning how to live well is worth it.

I often wish someone had offered suggestions to us as a young family when we struggled for balance.

I didn’t have mentors at all. We knew we wanted a different lifestyle than our parents, peers, siblings, friends.

We didn’t know where to start to streamline our schedules and get the most bang for our buck.

We had to make our own way, lots of mistakes, and lean on each other for the last 14 years. We’re still learning!

It’s often so much newness that you don’t stop to think about the stress.

Finishing up college or grad school, getting married or moving in, new jobs, beginning or changing a career, having babies.

These are all wonderful, exciting things…but they’re also very high on the stress index.

We often don’t stop to realize how all these amazing opportunities and changes stress us out even though we think we’re happy.

It’s important to have a good support network, rely on and trust your spouse, and have a good foundation about your values, priorities, and needs.

I’m 43 now and looking back, I’ve learned a lot from life and…

I have some advice for my younger self.

I should have taken better care of me – my physical and mental health. It’s important and I’m paying the price now. Is this what a mid-life crisis look like?

No one really cares what you look like. Don’t worry so much about it. Wear what you want, what’s comfortable. Do whatever to your hair and makeup. Stretch marks and laugh lines are battle scars. Be yourself.

Speak up. No one knows what you’re feeling or thinking if you don’t tell them. Don’t play childish guessing games.

There is no us and them. We’re all in this together. 

5 Areas to Address for Success:

1. Marriage

No name calling, ever.

The only time you should use the words “dummy” or “fool” is when you’re talking about puppets or pudding desserts, respectively. Focus on positive and nonviolent language, even when you’re angry.

Work together as a team.

It’s easy to get lazy and not be as courteous to our spouses as we should be. “Equality” means different things to different couples. Some do their own laundry separately or one cooks and the other does the dishes. If it works, then by all means, continue. But don’t be petty or waste time, money, and energy when it could be more helpful and efficient to work together or help each other out on something. Use gifts, talents, and interests well.

Communicate.

The 3 biggest issues in most marriages are sex, money, and parenting. Most disagreements, misconceptions, arguments, and misunderstandings involve one of these three topics.

Get over your embarrassments, inhibitions, issues, and baggage…and learn how to discuss your needs, desires, wants, and expectations about these things.

The marriage checklist listed in this article is a great place to fill in some gaps.

My favorite marriage book is John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

2. Money

I don’t like the term “budget” because it’s so narrow and constricting. Most of us are a little flexible and don’t spend the exact same amount on categories each pay period. Using the term “spending plan” is much more accurate for most of us. We’re not disciplined enough to use cash envelopes each month for categories, but I hear it’s successful for some. I think most of us pay bills online and use our check cards for other purchases. Obviously, that requires keeping on top of purchases and receipts, and communicating with your partner.

I use an Excel spreadsheet to track our expenses each month.

If there are separate accounts, make sure to communicate about who is responsible for what. We have a separate account just for our rent and car payment. I have a separate account for all my writing, but it barely breaks even.

Know your income. Know the salary at your job. Make sure to getting what you’re owed. Check pay stubs and make corrections. Get the most income by adjusting withholding for taxes at places of employment. No need to lend that money to the government to get a big tax return. Most of us would rather have that little bit more each paycheck.

Insurance. Research the best options for your family’s needs. Everyone needs affordable health insurance. Shop around for the best auto and renters or homeowners insurance for your situation. And update as your frequently as your lifestyle changes.

Investments. As soon as possible, invest in Roth IRAs and max those babies out. We’re not even there yet. We’ve never been able to max them out. We do have 529s for our 4 kids. That’s a great way to help kids begin their adult lives debt-free, with no student loans!

Debt. List all debt and be honest with yourself. Student loans. Car payments. Child support and alimony. List minimum payments and due dates in order.

Food. This is often a HUGE expense and can be curtailed with some planning. See info about “meals” below.

Gas. This can be a big expense. The USA is a huge gas guzzling empire, and cars are everywhere.  Most towns and cities aren’t built for bicycles or pedestrians. Public transportation is minimal and unreliable in most places. If possible, limit your family to one car and plan well – carpooling, limiting errands to 1 or 2 days a week, bicycling and walking more. It cuts down on expenses and pollution.

Miscellaneous. There’s always something, right? We have to be aware of regular expenses and plan for emergencies. Know when car tags are due and put that on your spreadsheet. Spring is a big time for our family’s birthdays. Autumn comes with new curriculum and school supplies and clothes. Summer camps and rec sports for kids can really add up. Holidays can often make for surprises. We don’t give greeting cards anymore and we limit gift-giving.

3. Meals

Prepping and planning. It took me years to develop a good system and I still sometimes struggle.

I try to limit waste and plan meals around store sales and coupons on shopping apps.

Sure, we get bored and have to mix it up sometimes.

We sometimes throw a plan out the window for holidays and celebrations.

We seldom eat out, which saves money. We make our food from scratch which is healthier and more satisfying for us. We don’t like a lot of processed, pre-packaged foods.

Shopping. I tend to shop weekly at Kroger and/or Walmart.

About once a month, I do a big haul at Costco and/or the commissary.

I price compare and keep track of where the better deals are.

I buy bacon, sausage, and cat litter at the commissary.

Cooking. Someone has to make dinner. Every day.

I feel it’s important to have dinner together as a family every night, if possible.

As the kids get older, they help so much with meals and it’s great for us to all to work together.

I often prep and my husband grills.

Occasionally, I serve the kids earlier and have a nicer meal and movie night with my husband.

4. House

Maintenance. Whether it’s an apartment, rental house, or you own your own home, regular maintenance is important. We’ve always rented homes, but we try to stay proactive and let the homeowner know when and if items need repair. We replace filters on time, we keep everything clean, and we maintain the yard and grounds regularly.

Decoration. We are frugal and simple with seasonal and regular home decor. It took me years to find a home style I feel comfortable with that isn’t overwhelming. I’m still evolving and since we move every few years, it allows for some fun updates. 

Organization. Everything in its place. If you have to buy storage for your stuff, you have too much stuff. With four growing kids, we had so much stuff for so many years. As they grow and don’t need so much, it’s so refreshing to donate or sell items as they outgrow toys, clothes, and homeschool materials.

5. Children

Discipline. It’s important for spouses to be on the same page about how to raise children.

Chores. Kids really want to help, so let them.

Activities. Less is more. We’ve had seasons of overscheduling and find it’s better for each child to have one extracurricular activity at a time. We do family art lessons and each child has a seasonal or recreational sport.

Day care/Babysitting. Day care is just so expensive. We made a hard choice for me to stay home with the kids to save money and not outsource them to someone else to raise.

While we had a season when we hired babysitters so we could socialize, I regret that now that it didn’t really help our family grow personally or spiritually.

School. There are lots of options for education. Public, private, religious, charter, homeschool. Each has its pros and cons and your family has to make the tough decision how you want your kids educated. And it can even change from year to year, season to season, or with different kids.

We tried homeschooling and never looked back. It was an easy choice for us with moving around so frequently. It allowed so much more freedom for our family to travel and learn how we want.

Religion. Even if it’s not important or an issue for you and your spouse, kids will most likely bring this up at some point. It’s better to have a response in mind beforehand than to have to scramble and stumble with ill-conceived explanations. Know what you believe and why so you can explain, teach, and guide your kids. They will have questions. Don’t be embarrassed or shame them if you don’t know the answers. Find out together.

Setting Goals for the Future:

Sometimes, this is really hard and life throws really fast curveballs.

We’ve had our fair share of struggles and setbacks. We’ve lived through tragedies and adventures we never imagined or planned for and here we are, living to tell about it.

I often think about these things, dream about it, and set goals:

1 year

Where do I want to be a year from now?

Sometimes, we know we’re going to PCS and I make plans for our new location.

I research our homeschool activities and curriculum.

I consider our debt and finances and plan better. 

My eldest is beginning college and will probably move into a dorm.

3 years

What dreams do I have for 3 years from now?

I consider what my kids will be doing in our homeschool. 

My eldest might be finishing college and starting her career.

My middle girls will be high school age. What do I want that to look like?

5 years

What do we want 5 years from now?

We’re getting close to my husband’s retirement. Where do we want to live? What other job does he want?

My son will be our last child at home. What will his high school years look like?

How can I support my middle girls in their higher education?

What will our relationship look like with my eldest daughter?

10 years

What do I want our family to look like in 10 years?

What am I doing right now to ensure my kids are friends as adults?

How will we juggle relationships with four adult kids who might live all over the world?

How am I managing our finances for our future comfort?

How can I care for my aging parents?

It’s important to set goals and reevaluate your family’s needs at different life stages.