How Deployment Affects Kids

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November 26, 2018 By Jennifer 12 Comments

Our first deployment, the kids were young.

Our kids were 9, 4 1/2, 3 1/2, and 9 1/2 months.

He left for Kandahar, Afghanistan, in mid-January. I was all alone in Utah – far from family, and friends were almost non-existent.

I’m pretty self-sufficient.

Sure, I had some bad days.

We had a blizzard. I burned the garlic toast one night at dinner. We had a basement flood on Memorial Day.

Overall, we did well, considering.

Our second deployment, the kids are older.

They’re 18, 12, 11, and 8.

It’s so different, but not necessarily easier.

As a homeschooling mom of 4, deployment can be lonely and difficult at times. We have no help – no family nearby, no support system. We are self-reliant. I am an introvert.

I simplify for sanity some days, or even weeks. Sometimes, I buy storebought baked goods, rotisserie chickens for dinner, canned biscuits, and these new natural Lunchables. My time is valued and these shortcuts help us a lot when life gets hectic. We’ve even gone out to eat a few times!

Cutting corners is fine. I have to give myself a break.

I don’t want to drive 4 kids all over town every day or all weekend. I limit errands and activities to save time and money and yes, it’s hard to say no sometimes. I have to judge what’s the best use of our time and money. I can’t be in two places at once. We participate in activities together as much as possible – art lessons, classes at our local craft stores, rec sports at the same park.

Bedtime is earlier. After dinner, I’m just spent. I want to take a bubble bath and lie in bed watching Netflix with my cats.

My kids are older now and they can help a lot more around the house. The kids understand. I use Facebook Messenger Kids to remind them to load the dishwasher.

Holidays can be different. We don’t have to eat turkey at Thanksgiving. We can celebrate Christmas on a different, more convenient, day. We can eat a picnic in the living room with the TV on.

We maintain routines as much as possible for our comfort and my sanity.

We pray and read and cook and eat. We get outside and exercise almost every day, no matter the weather. We snuggle and love the cats.

We allow the tears and sadness because it’s healthy to express all emotions.

How Does Deployment Affect Kids?

Most people think deployment must just be really hard and negative for families. While there are certainly sad times, I think deployment can help families grow stronger.

Infants

My son didn’t much seem to notice anything different. I was his primary caretaker and that didn’t change. If he noticed or wondered why Dad wasn’t home evenings or weekends all of a sudden, he couldn’t communicate that question.

My son was mostly oblivious to everything during the first deployment. It was just regular life for him. Of course, he picked up on my emotions and stress. It seemed like Dad missed so much – his first steps and his first birthday. So much growth.

It was a little awkward with the homecoming and he sorta remembered Dad, but it took a little while for them to get comfortable with each other again.

Toddlers

Kids in this age group are not known for flexibility or handling change well. I think it’s hard to explain something complex like deployment to small children.

They wonder if he’s coming back, if he’ll be safe or get hurt. They develop abandonment issues. They become very clingy. It’s hard for them to express emotions and handle stress.

My youngest daughter was and is pretty independent and I don’t think she was too concerned about Dad being gone, but she wasn’t really able to process or express anything about it.

I kept the kids on a routine to help us all adjust more easily.

Preschoolers

It was so super hard on my middle daughter during the first deployment. She pretty much slept in my bed the entire time Dad was gone. She struggled with abandonment feelings. She struggled with middle child issues. She couldn’t process her emotions nor express her fears. She’s always been our sensitive one.

It helped her to grow. She’s strong now as a 12 year old and amazes me every day as my helper in all things.

Elementary

My eldest daughter has always had to be strong for her siblings, and sometimes even for me. She’s had to be responsible from a very young age. She was a huge help during the first deployment.

My 8 year old son is feeling it hardest for this second deployment. He’s gotten better into a routine now that we’re about halfway through. There are lonely times for him as the only boy in a houseful of girls. I help him use his time serving, helping, and learning.

He misses his Dad.

Tweens

My middle girls at age 11 and 12 are pretty indifferent about this second deployment. They chat and FaceTime with Dad frequently and they don’t really feel (or don’t express) the distance. They send him photos on email and chat and create drawings for the care packages we send. Maybe they’re just well adjusted and accepting.

Teens

My eldest is now eighteen, and fairly independent. She still relies on me for advice and help, especially during crises. She hasn’t taken her driving test yet for her license yet.

But sometimes, she thinks she knows everything. She’s not very affected by the deployment. She helps at home and works with me on schedules so I can do everything we need to do. I know she’s angry and wishes her life had been different.

Don’t we all have regrets? Military life has its ups and downs but we’ve had amazing opportunities. She realizes this, but sometimes feels disappointment at our lack of roots.

She’s learning valuable lessons about fidelity, duty, love, and relationships.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Military life builds resilience, flexibility, independence, value, and perspective.

I’m making memories with these kids – who are living for 8ish months without a father, except on FaceTime, messenger, and email. I have to make it as special and good as possible. I do try to hide my negative emotions and I try never, ever, to lash out at them when I’m stressed. I don’t want Dad to only hear about problems. He needs to be part of the joy and celebration too, so he doesn’t feel he’s missing so much.

After close to a year apart, we have to learn each other again.

Yes, it’s hard sometimes.

They know we’re in this together.

You might also like My Tips for Surviving Motherhood During Deployment.

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Celebrating Holidays During Deployment

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November 19, 2018 By Jennifer 5 Comments

Deployment.

The HoLidAyS.

Halloween to New Years.

Can you say S-T-R-E-S-S?

The holidays get me down anyway, and doing them alone is no fun at all. If it were just me, I would forego the whole winter season completely.

I do it for the kids.

October to January. It feels like so many expectations to make everything perfect, all by myself.

The kids are older now and they have a say. They like to stay home, mostly.

We don’t want potlucks with strangers. We don’t participate in events on base. We don’t know the people Dad works with at all.

We stopped going to church because it was so fake. I don’t want pity or questions. I’m healing in my solitude.

How We Celebrate the Holidays During Deployment:

Tradition

For many families and certainly for young kids, maintaining tradition is important. It offers continuity and comfort. We have certain expectations every year. Some things can be omitted or mixed up, but other things are just necessary for the holiday to feel special.

I’m an only child, so we really never did much on holidays, except with my grandmothers and they passed when I was a teenager.

My husband’s parents passed the first year we married. We’ve never celebrated holidays with family.

It was a blank slate.

We could create our own traditions!

We like to keep things simple. It keeps my stress levels down, knowing I don’t have to make everything perfect and Pinterest-worthy. We don’t do Santa. We do St. Nicholas, but they know it’s me.

For our family of six, we have several traditions.

We make and eat latkes the first night of Hanukkah, even though we’re not Jewish. We learned about Judaism in depth for homeschool church and world history and we’ve just always continued with some of the Jewish traditions.

We like to drive around, looking at Christmas lights.

We try new recipes for cookies, muffins, cakes.

We watch certain movies during the holiday season.

New Traditions

Shopmas, er, Thanksgiving, is kind of a worthless holiday for us. We practice gratitude year-round.

My eldest doesn’t even like turkey. Only one child likes dressing/stuffing. There’s hardly a point making a lot of food for Thanksgiving that no one likes. We don’t care about or watch football. We can have pizza on Thanksgiving if we want to. I can make a mini buffet of lots of little snacks or appetizers and we can all eat what we like. We can do what we want. We can go to the movies. It doesn’t matter. No one dictates to us! Maybe it will even become a new tradition.

My son just announced that he can’t wait for Thanksgiving! He loves turkey and my homemade pie. Well, then. Guess there will be no deviating from that tradition at this time.

We don’t do Black Friday or Cyber Monday. I’ve been finished with holiday shopping for weeks. We want a debt-free holiday.

We eat an awful lot of ham year-round so it’s just not special. I’m not making a prime rib without my husband here to enjoy it. We can have Chinese food, Italian, or anything we want for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners! There’s a scary freedom to that.

There are some things only Dad can do or do well. So without him here, I have to mix things up. We normally make chicken wings on New Year’s Eve, but I’m kinda scared of the deep fryer. We may have a living room picnic with a movie or even go out.

We may go to a movie on New Year’s Day. We usually have the traditional Southern pork, greens, and black-eyed peas for dinner.

We really like Chinese New Year and often make Asian food or go out for a special meal.

Travel

We used to travel over holidays.

The long 4-day Thanksgiving weekend offered great opportunities when we lived in Germany – and we went to Prague, Porto, and Venice. We went to Maui and Rome over Christmas.

We’ve been saving money and I don’t know if I want to venture out too far in snow or ice. I’m from Georgia.

My parents are 12 hours away by car.

My eldest works more when school is out.

I know lots of families move in with family or visit extensively to stave off the loneliness.

Presents

We are always trying to be frugal and debt-free, but I’m doing presents this year.

Yes, there is a bit of guilt that Dad’s not here and I probably spent more than I would have if he were home.

We may open some gifts during the nights of Hanukkah. We may open them all on Christmas Eve. I’m letting the kids decide but they can’t complain later.

Presents aren’t the most important part of the holidays, but they’re fun. The anticipation is exciting.

Presence

There’s only me, so I feel obligated to do all the things.

We celebrate Advent with reading and candles every evening.

We spent the cold dreary days and nights together playing board games, Wii, reading, puzzles, baking.

Sometimes the togetherness gets to be a bit much and we separate to draw, read, cook, watch Netflix, or sit with the cats.

I want to rest in the presence of Jesus during Advent.

I want to model calm presence throughout the holidays in spite of the chaos and loneliness.

How do you celebrate holidays when your spouse is deployed?

You might also like 10 Gifts for a Military Family.

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How Deployment Affects Marriage

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November 12, 2018 By Jennifer 11 Comments

Deployments are stressful for married couples.

Of course being separated – for many months or a year – can create stress on a marriage.

Deployment exacerbates any issues already existing in the relationship.

I’m independent and capable and efficient. Being a single mom for seven months isn’t that much of a hardship for me. I make most of the household decisions anyway. Some people gave me side eye when they learned about the deployment and I wasn’t sufficiently devastated as they expected me to be. I take things as they come.

I know some spouses who can’t even go to the store alone, much less successfully navigate a deployment without loads of daily help from friends and family. But, to each her own, I guess.

We actually made this deployment decision together, to strengthen our marriage, and help his career.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

It takes lots of extra work to make marriage work in the military, and especially during long separations.

How to maintain a successful marriage during deployment:

Communication

We live in an era of easy communication. The Internet makes the impossible possible. Thousands of miles and oceans apart, and we can see each other face to face and chat daily. My grandma didn’t have that luxury, only seeing my grandpa on shore duty after months at sea, raising their two boys alone.

I’m not into small talk but I have to make myself available and chatty even when I don’t feel like it. I’m an extreme introvert.

He doesn’t care about care packages. He doesn’t want much. He asks for K Cups and garlic salt. So exciting. Also, some deployment locations limit items such as pork products or comic books, and it just stresses me out that he might get in trouble if I don’t read the ingredients on a jerky packet closely enough. I’m not going to waste time, effort, and money sending things he doesn’t want or need and that he’ll just give away to others.

He’s not much of a reader. I would love to read a book together and discuss it. But he’s not into that. I do often send him screenshots of my eBooks with highlighted text.

We don’t really watch the same shows much either. We sometimes recommend movies or shows to each other, but we don’t watch anything together regularly.

He likes sugarcoating and I’m very blunt. Texts and emails seem worse without any tone or facial expressions to lighten them. We can’t really afford to get offended.

I don’t want to come at him with only problems and bad news. I have to temper everything. But it seems that everything that can will go wrong during a deployment.

We have to make more of an effort to communicate well since we’re apart for a long time.

Finances

I’m using this opportunity of 7+ months of separation pay to pay off the credit card and not acquire any more debt.

I’m not a shopper anyway, so it’s easy for me to be frugal.

The kids and I keep busy and don’t fall into retail therapy to make ourselves feel better. We shop for needs and a few wants and items for the holidays.

I seem to save lots of money on utilities, household expenses, and by staying home, making it easier to pay off the debt. So much less laundry!

Temptation

I suppose temptation might be an area for many marriages to worry about.

I’m not very social and I’m very private. We’re loyal. We’re committed. It’s not really an issue.

Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely.

I rarely talk to people, and certainly not men. I’m not around men. I’m not around anyone, really. We don’t go to church anymore. There aren’t any stay at home, homeschooling dads in my circles for me to be concerned. I don’t even chat online with anyone except my family members.

I’m not one to be easily tempted and I would recognize the potential danger and immediately extricate myself because I want to maintain integrity. Trust is important.

It might be harder for some people in different circumstances. It might be difficult for lonely and bored deployed members seeing certain others day in and day out, in close quarters. Maintaining professional distance is important. Don’t confuse being nice with flirting.

I don’t believe in a deployment sex pact or “what happens in deployment, stays in deployment.” That’s not healthy.

I’m not sure what some spouses are up against, but guarding hearts and minds and removing oneself from dangerous situations is imperative.

I’ve read about too many marriages breaking up after deployments due to affairs and it’s very heartbreaking.

Self Improvement

During the first deployment, he completed a training course that he needed to make the next rank. That was convenient and easy for us.

He goes to the gym a lot. There’s not much else for him to do.

I read a lot. Like, a whole lot. And there are no interruptions for me now!

I’m constantly improving myself. I collect knowledge.

It’s easy for me to use these months alone to read more, watch more uplifting shows, write, research, educate myself, walk in nature, pray, think…and all the things that too often get interrupted on weekends and evenings.

I keep him updated on my progress and what I’m learning so he’s not totally lost and thinks I’m a different person when he returns. That’s a very real consideration. People grow, and can more easily grow apart while separated. It’s a concern I actively counter with communication.

Parenting

As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, this is my job. And now I’m doing it mostly alone for many months.

The kids keep on carrying on while Dad is away.

Of course, they rely on me as their mom for almost everything anyway. It takes some pushing and prodding for them to ask Dad for anything even when he’s home, and certainly they learn he’s not available to help much or take the load off me when he’s away.

I remind him to ask them about what they’re learning, reading, doing – to keep communication open and maintain relationship while he’s away. And I have to coax everyone during reintegration.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

With the time change, it’s even harder to connect sometimes with his work schedule. We have to make extra effort.

He trusts me to maintain a peaceful home for these kids – who are living for 8 months without a father, except on FaceTime. I have to make it as special and good as possible.

We’re in this together.

You might also like:

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

Tips to Navigate Motherhood During Deployment

A nifty little checklist to keep marriage strong during deployment.

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Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

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August 27, 2018 By Jennifer 13 Comments

We’ve survived one deployment. It was my first winter ever and I survived with four small kids. He deployed to Kandahar in Afghanistan and it a rough time was had by all.

First deployments are really hard. There are so many unknowns.

Our middle daughter had the hardest time then. We’re all pretty adjusted now, I think.

We’re experiencing our second deployment, beginning in August. We’re older, more mature, better prepared. It’s in a safer area so we’re not as worried this time.

As an introvert married to an extrovert, military life (and regular married life) can sometimes present challenges.

I can play the game and play it well. I can smile and go to the functions and perform, but it exhausts me and I resent it and I prefer not to…so I seldom do it anymore.

We’ve lived on base once and that was enough closeness and lack of privacy for me. I prefer to live as far away from base as he can handle the commute.

Moving every few years is stressful and I tend to close myself up long before we actually leave. It takes me a good while to open up again in our new location. Then it’s time to leave again.

I’m not shy. I don’t have social anxiety. I’m a chameleon. I’m usually quiet but I’m loud in certain circumstances. I am often thoughtful and measure my words and tone.

I notice everything.

I’m an INTJ. Sometimes, life is just really hard.

Most people get married and try to change each other. We were no different. We’ve grown used to our differences and we compromise often. I prefer to stay home or socialize with just a few people, less seldom. I’ve never been into parties or large crowds. I don’t like festivals. I like smaller, quieter celebrations. I like to be alone.

“The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.” – Aldous Huxley

We don’t have the luxury of playing games.

If someone goes above and beyond for us, we appreciate it and we try to let you know. Expressing gratitude is important to us. Family is far away and we make family everywhere we go.

I appreciate people who have welcomed us, loved us, fed us, befriended us, and helped us at our various homes over the years. Some we have lost touch with, others have passed, and some we are still friends with, if only virtually.

We talk about your impact on our family. We remember.

Grandma Sharon from our church in San Antonio, Texas. She and Liz had a special relationship.
“Big Tori” is still our friend from Hawaii.
Pastor Neal, his wife, Christine, and their son, David, helped shape our faith in Utah. Mr. McMillan from across the street was a surrogate grandpa.
Jenn in Germany – we miss you! Alex still remembers the kindness of Coach Bacon in teeball.
Dale and Ruthann in Ohio. We love y’all.

We have friends all over the world. We are global citizens.

How does an introvert spouse survive deployment?

I’m not one to talk much to others about deployment. I’m pretty private.

Life goes on and if it had been up to me, I wouldn’t have even mentioned the deployment to anyone at all.

I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want pity. I don’t want small talk.

I don’t want the commander or a key spouse calling me on the phone or stopping by to check on me. That happened during our first deployment and it was so awkward and uncomfortable.

And yes, I’m tired all the time from being “on” constantly. I don’t get any breaks. I go to bed a lot earlier now.

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” ~Paul Tillich

Preparation:

Weeks, even months, before the actual deployment, it seems like he’s already left.

Training sessions out of state, late nights of paperwork, medical appointments…it’s a hot mess gearing up for the actual event. He’s stressed about leaving his post and he’s stressed about his new assignment. He’s stressed about traveling there.

We get our paperwork in order. All those legal forms granting me access to everything. Just in case.

He got the cars serviced. He paid for the car tag taxes for two years so I don’t have to deal with that.

His stuff is everywhere. I stub my toe on his bag that’s in my office.

I’m almost anticipating the leaving so I can have some peace and quiet. We pick fights with each in frustration.

I stock up on vitamins, conveniences, and other items he’ll need to pack to take with him. We still forget stuff and I pack up a box the day after he leaves.

Of course he waits until the last minute to get things he needs, like PT pants and contact eye solution.

I got food poisoning from a restaurant two nights before he left. That was a great start to a hard week.

Saying goodbyes are hard. You kinda want to hurry up and get it over with, but it’s like getting kicked in the gut when the gate door closes behind him.

I only get to say goodbye once, but he travels on 4 airplanes, for almost 48 hours. He texts me when he arrives at each layover and when he’s about to board again. He’s stressed, tired, and unable to eat due to nerves. I drop everything to reply to his messages and comfort him, informing on what we’re doing: normal things like eating or cleaning or reading or watching Netflix.

When I got up at 0300 to see him off at the airport gate, my skin hurt by lunchtime. My stomach was in knots by dinnertime – from being so exhausted. I drank lots of tea and took a bath, but I couldn’t hold off any longer and fell asleep by 8:30 PM. I had that luxury of resting when I needed to, but he couldn’t rest well until he arrived at his deployment destination.

The first day of deployment:

I almost forget he’s not at work, a phone call, just 20 miles away.

I spent most of the day planning.

Inventoried the food and made a menu plan for the next two and a half months.

Budgeted for the next year. I plan to pay off the credit card during the deployment. Dang cat surgery and braces for two kids.

Wrote out a homeschool plan for the first month. Ordered some history books – from the library and Amazon.

Organized my book basket. I plan to read them all soon. I have way too many journals.

Gathered old school items to sell and clothing to donate.

Ordered the kids’ Halloween costumes – in August.

The first day alone is surreal. The cats are comforters, lying beside me and in my lap every time I sit down. They know. I drink his Assam tea with lots of sugar in my yellow Aiea, Hawaii, library cup and remember.

I made breakfast and lunch and did dishes and laundry. I look at the time and wonder how early I can start dinner?

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” – Paul Tillich

Deployments can be lonely, even for an introvert.

During good times, I think to myself that I won’t trip over his shoes that he leaves all over the house instead of in the shoe racks.

I can be efficient and clean and not have to worry about going back to tidy up his messes.

*There’s so much less laundry.*

I can budget better and easier. I will have fewer utilities, simpler meal planning, efficient errands using less gas.

I’ve given up alcohol. I don’t feel comfortable having a drink when I’m the only adult in the house. No more beer or wine for me. It’s not even in the house. I’ve lost 15+ pounds this month so far. I only have another 5-10 to go before I feel great. I weighed 170 a year ago when we moved to Ohio from Germany, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been – even after I had my C-Section in 2007. Read some of my weight loss methods here.

I don’t have to keep the air conditioner so low since I have the bed all to myself…and the cats.

There are no arguments. I kinda miss having someone to pick at.

I don’t have anyone to open jars.

I don’t use the charcoal grill. Alex is 8 and is in charge of the gas grill. I’m his assistant. I don’t tell him that I know how.

I have no one to rely on for help. All decisions fall to me. I am responsible for everything.

He can’t grab that ingredient I need on his way home from work.

If something goes wrong, it’s all my fault.

How I spend my time each season:

Autumn

This is probably the busiest time of year. It’s easier when we’re busy.

Chauffeuring the kids to soccer and fall baseball, back to school (even homeschoolers) events, art classes, and other fun field trips to take up those Sunday afternoons that drag on and on…

I’m taking my teen daughter to college classes until she gets her drivers license.

I’m spending most mornings writing. I take walks in the evenings after dinner.

Winter

He left on our January anniversary for that first deployment. Thanks, universe.

Have I mentioned that I hate snow? I hate the driveway and sidewalk shoveling…and driving in it. We like being outdoors, but I don’t like the cold.

The holidays are always kinda a drag for me. We don’t have family nearby. The special days don’t feel special. I used to get really anxious about making them perfect, but now they’re rather boring. The kids being older and realizing the commercialism of it all deflates it a bit. Holiday meals will be simpler. I think we’ll celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah the first week of December this year.

Classes are on break and it can get really boring.

Spring

He should return before all the spring birthdays next year.

Spring is always my favorite time of year. Rebirth and growing green things and all that. It’s like stretching in the sun after a cold winter.

Baseball season gets us a little busier again.

College courses start up again for my teen daughter. Hopefully, she’ll have her license sometime in winter.

Summer

During that first deployment, he returned in July. So summers aren’t really something we have to deal with during deployment.

Summers are usually fun, easy times with late nights and late mornings. We spend a lot of time outdoors.

Daily Schedule

I get tired earlier in the evenings, but I can’t fall asleep easily. And then I don’t sleep well. I’ve been reading a lot. I love checking out Kindle books through our library with Libby app.

We do our homeschool work during the days, but we can’t quite get in the swing of things.

We read aloud together in the mornings and evenings.

We take morning and/or evening walks if the weather is nice enough. I’ve been walking 3 miles during my daughter’s soccer practice twice a week. I often walk 1 mile other days, with my cats in their stroller.

It feels like my days revolve around meals more than ever. So much cooking and cleaning. So many dishes. The kids are great and old enough to help out a lot.Having a meal schedule keeps everyone happy right now. My daughters can help out lots in the kitchen now and prep or finish a meal. If you have any delicious slow cooker meals that don’t look like dog food, let me know. I’ve almost exhausted my repertoire.

Monday
Soccer practice and slow cooker dinners.

Tuesday
This is our only free day until November, so we cram in as much book work as we can during the day and have nicer dinners.

Wednesday
Baseball practice and slow cooker dinners.

Thursday
Soccer practice and slow cooker dinners.

Friday
Park days.
Homemade pizza for dinners.

Saturday
Soccer games and afternoon free play time.
Hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner.

Sunday
We’ve decided to take a little break from attending church services. We don’t want the pity from people who think they understand. We frequently do a spiritual fast when life gets very hard. We read a lot from the church fathers and modern authors, pray, and sing together.
Baseball games and afternoon free play time.
Chicken nuggets for dinner.

Sickness and Emergency

I do have some anxiety about injury. I’m saying, “Be careful!” to my kids a lot more than I usually do.

I really don’t want an ER visit during deployment so we’re taking vitamins and drinking lots of water and eating well and washing our hands lots.

My almost one-year-old son had some respiratory distress that first winter in Utah, but other than one visit when his lips turned blue, we were all healthy and safe. He didn’t have RSV, by the way.

I’m constantly praying: Be careful. Stay safe. Don’t get hurt. Don’t get sick.

If I get really sick, I know the kids can handle a lot of things. And other than a tummy bug, I can usually push on through.

Homecoming

I kinda loathe the expectation of the homecoming. We don’t make posters. We don’t really want a lot of fuss. The heartwarming surprise videos that go viral on social media give me hives.

Reintegration is hard for me. I don’t want to relinquish control. I like doing things my way.

The kids eventually adjust to the dynamic of having Dad home again.

We just want to get back to normal as quickly as possible.

It will be nice to have a big steak on the charcoal grill again.

You might also like: 10 Gifts for the Military Family

Linking up: Create with Joy, Modest Mom, Our Holiday Journey, Mostly Blogging, Inspo for Moms, Lori Schumaker, Holley Gerth, Darling Downs Diaries, Mrs. AOK, Chicken Chick, Life of Faith, Timeless Mama, Trekking Thru, Home Stories A to Z, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Abounding Grace, Wise Woman, Jessi’s Design, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Sarah Frazer, Soaring with Him, Marilyn’s Treats, Bountiful Love, Creative K Kids, Organized 31, Debbie Kitterman, Lori Schumaker, Be Thee Inspired, Imparting Grace, Crystal Storms, Favorite Things, Life Beyond the Kitchen, MaryAndering Creatively, CKK, CYJ, Simply Sweet Home, Coffee with Us3, Easy Peasy Pleasy, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Cup of tea, RCH Reviews, Momfessionals, Blended Blog, Susan Mead, Charm of Home, Lyli Dunbar, Crystal Waddell, Counting My Blessings, Arabah Joy, Life with Lorelai, Our Mini Family,

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Tips to Navigate Motherhood When Your Spouse is Deployed

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

June 20, 2018 By Jennifer 17 Comments

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of 1 Natural Way, a TRICARE breast pump provider. All opinions are entirely my own.

We’ve PCSed a couple times with infants. That’s interesting. There’s so much stuff to travel with – in case of any scenario.

Military life definitely has its challenges.

Our first deployment was when our son was only nine months old.

We PCSed to Utah in August and my husband deployed in January.

I had never lived through a real winter. I had always lived in mild, warm climates. And I had four kids under 10.

Being a mom is often hard.

Being a single mom can be quite difficult. I did that with one child for four years.

Being a military wife with a deployed husband and four kids is an adventure.

First deployments are really hard. There are so many unknowns. We’re up for our second deployment later this year and I feel more prepared.

If you know a mom whose spouse is deployed…take some time to help or just listen during this lonely and hard time.

You’ve seen and checked off all the deployment checklists. You’ve gotten the POA and all the right paperwork.

You’ve said your goodbyes at the airport gate.

The house is quieter. There is so much less laundry to do. Why are there so many leftovers at dinner?

You wake up sprawled in the middle of the bed instead of on your side.

You don’t think you’re gonna make it through these next few months.

I’m here to tell you that you’re gonna make it. You’re gonna be just fine.

How to Navigate Motherhood When Your Spouse is Deployed

Routine.

I ran my household like clockwork. I was efficient. I was prepared.

As a homeschool mom, I could have just allowed our lives to run into chaos.

But I set a strict schedule and kept to it. Meals, schoolwork, some fun activities, indoor and outdoor playtimes, chores, baths, bedtime.

With four kids under 10, I had to rely on them a lot and we all learned to be interdependent and help each other. It’s amazing what kids can and will do – if you just let them.

I anticipated disaster.

Then our basement flooded and disrupted all my best intentions.

But the routine held and life went on.

Relax.

Deployment may not be the best time to go back to school or haul the kids to a gazillion summer or after school extracurricular activities.

While routines and schedules are great for sanity…don’t lose heart or get discouraged if it slips. Don’t be legalistic about it.

Holidays and special events can really suck during deployments. Do something special but don’t stress and worry over it being perfect. It won’t be. Do your best. It’s good enough.

Give yourself a little break and realize there’s only one of you.

There are no good or bad emotions. Feel. Let your kids see you. Lean into it. Comfort each other. Discuss your feelings. Validate the sadness and anger but don’t live there.

Network.

Learn who your key spouse or the equivalent is within your organization. Get connected to other deployed spouses.

Ask for contacts at church in case of emergency.

Join a moms group. Or a homeschool group. Or a book club. Find a friend somewhere.

Inform neighbors or HOA so they are aware and can assist if needed.

Family visits can be a hassle or a blessing during deployment. You know what’s best for you and yours.

Ask for help.

This is a hard one.

I’ve never liked asking for help.

Our church pretty much ignored us during deployment and that (among other issues) prompted us to find a new one.

My husband’s group commander’s wife came and shoveled snow out of our driveway and it made me so uncomfortable. She also watched my kids a couple times for me to go out but I had nowhere to go and nothing to do. It just wasn’t what I wanted or needed.

Decide what you don’t want or like to do. It may be snow shoveling or mowing the lawn. Find a neighborhood teen to pay to do those tasks.

It helps to know what you want and need – and how and whom to ask.

My neighbors rallied together to help me with our flooded basement and that was an amazing experience. I wouldn’t have known where to start.

If you or your child needs to talk to someone, TRICARE covers at least 3 preliminary mental health appointments with family health care providers and can refer you for more with a therapist if necessary. Don’t hesitate to make those appointments. Be honest with yourself. No shame. Do what you must for the health of you and your family.

Self care.

This is hard for many moms.

I do better now taking care of myself than I did when my kids were really little.

Eating well and getting enough sleep are challenges for moms of little ones and also for moms whose spouses are deployed.

Set small goals like getting a daily shower and getting dressed in clean clothes.

You’re living your life in three-hour increments as you’re nursing, caring for little ones, surviving.

It’s enough.

I keep some quick meal items in the freezer and pantry for when I don’t feel well.

Deployment can a great time to get active, lose weight, get healthier, reset, and refocus. I find it easier to cook and eat what I like when I’m alone. The kids help me stay active.

Set a schedule that works for you and your family. That could mean putting the kids to bed earlier or later for your sanity.

Do something new.

Create a little list of some new and different activities to keep busy.

Ask the kids what they’d like to do and try to do some of their list too. Distractions are good when they miss their parent.

Don’t get overwhelmed, but it’s nice and often necessary to keep your mind busy during those lonely months. Bonus if it’s something you can do with the kids!

Lots of museums are free during summer and National Parks offer free or discounted passes to military families.

Some fun ideas:

calligraphy
jewelry making
painting
yoga or pilates
online classes
reading
journal
cooking
charity work
church activities
hiking
birding
photography

Know your benefits and privileges as a military spouse.

Many military installations offer events for deployed spouses – Give Parents a Break program, free family meals, free tickets, portrait ops, and more.

Get lots of free stuff here for deployed families.

Make sure you’re on email lists for deployed spouses or check social media for your options. Take advantage of the events offered and make new friends too.

I wish these breast pump benefits had been available when my babies were little and nursing!

1 Natural Way offers the popular Medela, Spectra and Kiinde brands. In addition to breast pumps, 1 Natural Way also offers breast pump accessories, compression socks and postpartum care supplies – covered under your Tricare insurance plan at no out of pocket expense to you.

The following five simple steps will take less than 5 minutes, and your breast pump through Tricare will be on its way:

Step 1: Fill out our insurance information form found below

Step 2: Select your breast pump model (Tricare covers all models we offer)

Step 3: Enroll in our Monthly breastfeeding accessories program (called Resupply)

Step 4: Provide us with a prescription or your doctor’s information, and we will obtain one for you

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1 Natural Way handles contacting both your health insurance provider and your physician on your behalf. They offer the easiest process in the industry-backed by thousands of reviews and testimonials from moms everywhere. They work hard to make it an enjoyable experience to receive your breast pump with minimal or no out of pocket expense to you.

Deployment is always an inconvenience. We’re thankful for our military family and our freedom.

Hang in there.

How do you manage motherhood when your spouse is deployed?

Linking up: Blogghetti, Life of Faith, Our Holiday Journey, Inspiration for Moms, Lori Schumaker, Holley Gerth, Darling Downs Diaries, Create with Joy, Mrs. AOK, Timeless Mama, Teaching What is Good, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Abounding Grace, Trekking Thru, Jessi’s Design, Ducks in a Row, Bringing Up Georgia, Gingersnap Crafts, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Journeys in Grace, Sarah Frazer, Soaring with Him, Jaime Wiebel, MaryAndering Creatively, Creative K Kids, East Coast Chic, Katherine’s Corner, Organized 31, Debbie Kitterman, Lori Schumaker, Be Thee Inspired, Imparting Grace, Quietly Reminded, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Bountiful Love, Simply Sweet Home, CKK, Coffee with Us3, Overwhelmed to Fulfilled, Life with Lorelai, Easy Peasy Pleasy, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Chocolate, Bright on a Budget, RCH Reviews, Momfessionals, Blended Blog, Susan Mead, Charm of Home, Lyli Dunbar, Crystal Waddell, Counting My Blessings, Arabah Joy, Our Mini Family, Being a Wordsmith, Home Stories A to Z,

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When a Parent Travels

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May 13, 2015 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

How we make our time special when Dad is away from home.

Lately, we’ve experienced more travel time with Dad away from home.

We survived one deployment. I learned to cope by making some days extra special.

When I’m on my own with four kids to feed, homeschool, and taxi to various extracurricular activities most evenings, I sometimes have to be creative and just let some things go.

How We Play When Dad’s Away

We don’t really play and we don’t disrespect Dad by doing anything he wouldn’t approve of.

I try to spend as little money as possible. We maintain our healthy lifestyle as much as we can while still having some fun and being just a little bit lax.

Meal Time

I like to make meals fun and interesting.

We’ll have a picnic in the living room with music and poetry or breakfast for dinner.

We’ll do a movie night with snacks and mocktails.

I’m more lax on juice intake. We have more cookies and snacks in the house during these times. The kids also are learning to be more independent and cook or prepare things for themselves.

I like to make dishes my husband doesn’t like. So, basically lots of dishes with bell peppers.

Occasionally, we’ll eat out for a real treat. It’s getting harder and harder to dine out with four kids and still be healthy and frugal.

I have to relax at meal times since I have no second adult to help with four kids. I’m quick to accept dinner invitations when I’m the sole parent. It’s nice to share a meal with friends.

Play Time

It’s no fun being home all day, every day.

We go to parks, movies, playgrounds, swimming – anything that Dad wouldn’t especially miss while he’s out of town. It’s getting easier now that the kids are a little older and I don’t have to constantly help or watch every single second.

If there’s a particular festival, I try to take the kids but that’s an awful lot of effort for me to take four kids by myself to a crowded fair. I usually end up feeling like a pack mule.

I make sure the kids have lots of attention and snuggle time. My teen gets to stay up later than the littles since I can give her more mama time.

Chore Time

We still have to keep the house running smoothly, but I don’t stress if the dishes or laundry doesn’t get completed every day.

Sometimes, the table won’t even get cleared after a meal until the next meal! And I just roll with it.

The kids step it up to help and they go above and beyond to do their share to make sure things run smoothly.

Honestly, it’s easier to complete chores when Dad is away. There is no change in schedule on the weekends. There is much less laundry and fewer dishes. Things run more smoothly. My way.

We do have mad cleaning sessions before Dad is due to arrive back home.

School Time

Thankfully, we don’t stress too much over lesson time since we school year-round and almost all day, every day. We have a lifestyle of learning.

I’ve become much more an unschooler and I love watching my kids become fascinated with a subject and do their own unbidden research.

We often start late, school in the evening before bed, take field trips, do lessons on weekends.

We’re more relaxed because I don’t have to plan for that couple hours in the evening for Daddy time. The dynamics are different.

We like to learn about where in the world Dad is traveling and what it’s like there – the time difference, the climate, culture, history, people, foods, etc.

How I Manage Stress

Sure, the kids are sometimes stressed when Dad is away. We read lots of books and go to the library to keep well-stocked. We make sure to visit the park and playground to let off steam. I assure them that Dad will home soon, most likely with souvenirs.

We often are able to keep in touch by chat online, sometimes with Facetime or Skype. We can view maps online or on our school room wall. I take lots of pictures so he doesn’t feel left out of events.

During deployments, we have a special clock on the wall for “Daddy time” so we knew what time it was where he was deployed.

Sometimes, I would like to be “off duty” but that’s even less possible when my husband is out of town.

I stay up late to get some alone time. I work online or watch Netflix or read. Sometimes, all of that at once, lol!

I send the kids to the playground a block away. I have a few friends in the neighborhood now where my kids can go play. It’s healthy and good to be apart sometimes.

During deployments or long TDYs, I get run down by the late nights and having no downtime.

I drink lots of water.
I take supplements and essential oils.
I detox after poor eating with juice and smoothies.
I make myself exercise and get fresh air outside.
On the days when we have no out of the house activities, I rest as much as possible.

It’s still difficult when Dad is away, especially on the younger kids. My son often gets confused about where Dad is or when he’s coming home. I do everything I can to make it easier on our family.

We make homecoming special with favorite meals and rest time.

What are your homecoming traditions?

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10 Gifts for a Military Family

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November 14, 2013 By Jennifer 3 Comments

What can you give military families?

We were lucky that when my husband deployed the first time, it was after Christmas.

Not so lucky that he left on our anniversary, but oh, well.

And he returned before the next Christmas.

The second deployment, he left in early fall and return in spring.

We miss celebrating holidays and other fun events.

You can give the gift of time or service for a military family, deployed situation or not.

We often don’t need more things and we often won’t ask for help, even when we need it most. We’re used to fending for ourselves and caring for our own. And pretending everything’s ok.

This list is great year-round, for military families with a deployed member or not.

10 Gifts for the Military Family:

Yard care. If you live in a climate with winter, you can shovel or snow-blow their driveway and sidewalks. It will be much appreciated. Trust me. Mow the lawn. Help with yardwork. Lots of youth groups or scout troops need community service. This is a great way to show support.
Caffeine. Drop by with coffee, tea, or hot chocolate. Or gift cards to a local coffeeshop that has a drivethru. Especially on cold, dark, rainy, or snowy days.
Visit. Stop by unannounced – maybe with donuts or fresh bread and clean the kitchen. Bring wine! Some friends from church did that for me on my birthday when my husband was deployed. I was elated. It was such a beautiful thing.
Take the kids. Treat my kids to ice cream. Or to a park. Or to a museum. Or a movie. Out. Somewhere. Anywhere. Give this mom a break for an hour or two. As a homeschool mom with four kids and a deployed husband, I need a break, people.
Encourage self-care. Take the kids for an evening (or weekend) so the couple can have a date night. If the military member is deployed, offer to watch the kids for an hour, an afternoon, or an evening to help out. Often, military couples have a hard time finding child care so they just don’t ever go out. Not cool. We need that adult couple time. A couple from church once took our four kids all weekend long so we could go away (only about an hour away, but still!). It’s only the second time we’ve done that throughout our whole marriage!
Vehicle care. Get our vehicle serviced or detailed. Seriously. This is something a friend of mine received when her husband was deployed and I thought it was the greatest thing ever! I never think of it until the dashboard lights come on. I don’t know how to check my tire pressure, y’all. And then there’s trouble and usually lots of expense involved!
Hospitality. Invite the family over for a meal, dessert, drinks, a music event, a holiday lights display. Something. Include them. We’re often far from home and family and feel isolated and excluded. And we’d love to learn new traditions and celebrate with you. We may decline for some reason, but we will feel loved.
Carpooling. If you know the kids have music lessons, dance, gymnastics, art, sports, church activities, whatever…offer to help out, especially if there are babies or toddlers or preschoolers in the household. I am so stressed juggling my four kids and their activities when my husband is deployed. Sometimes, I would skip something to let the baby finish a nap. It was just easier.
Anticipate needs. Bring grocery necessities by or call if you’re at the store to see if they need anything. It’s so frustrating to run out of milk or eggs or realize you’re missing an ingredient for a recipe and have to drop everything to run to the store. But to drag four kids out in a blizzard with no help and not being able to call, “Honey, can you pick up ____ on the way home?” Depressing. And I went to three stores yesterday to stock up on everything and still forgot the effing milk.
Appointments. If they have medical or vet appointments, ask if you can help. Most vets and doctors prefer children not to be in attendance so there’s no distraction, so offer to watch the kids during appointments. Many moms don’t get check-ups since it’s so stressful. Help her maintain her health!

Ask. Offer. Be sincere.

We often say we’re just fine when we’re really hanging onto sanity by a fine thread.

You can offer to walk the dogs. Or just come over for a chat. Bring a bottle of wine or beer over after the kids’ bedtime. Email or call for some encouragement. Send a note or flowers that you’re thinking about her.

If something breaks in the house or car and she’s used to relying on her husband to fix it, help her find someone to do the job – for free or really cheap! We don’t have a network since we move around so frequently.

Be someone they can call if they need help. Be a listener. Be a doer.

Our neighbors helped to clear everything out of our basement when it flooded on a holiday morning and my husband was deployed the first time. (Thank God for my amazing neighbors. Bless those people!)

Be available. Be a friend.

Linking up:

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Homeschooling in a Crisis: Deployment

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March 13, 2013 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

When I hear or see the word “crisis,” I think of something really bad.

What is a crisis?

a time of intense difficulty or danger.
a time when a difficult or important decision must be made.

We are a military family and my husband has deployed and we PCS (move to a new location) every 2-4 years and that often calls for daily living in crisis-mode.

If I really think about it?

We’ve been in crisis-mode for the duration of our marriage.

All of life’s stressful events – marriage, the sudden deaths of both Aaron’s parents, births of babies, moving across the country a few times, deployment…those are crises and somewhat unusual for most people to experience in their lives – and seldom during the same year.

I don’t know any other way other than to keep on keepin’ on.

I dive into work and homeschool and cleaning and doing daily life.

We don’t have to follow a traditional August-June school year in our homeschool and sometimes, we PCS well in the fall, after most schools have returned to their regular routines. We generally homeschool year-round to give us more freedom in our schedules, especially during PCS years.

During the purging, organizing, packing, loading, moving, unloading, unpacking, organizing, and set-up that accompanies all the moving, we only do the barest schooling necessities. I only keep school items that can fit in each child’s backpack since we don’t have much room in planes or the van when we travel from our old home to a new one. Check out our overseas PCS while homeschooling.

I think there are many opportunities for life school along the way on these adventures.

When we left Georgia for Texas, Elizabeth was only 4 (isn’t she cute!?). We had such great fun exploring the rest stop museums and learning along the way, seeing Gulf Coast beaches and then desert…and we had no intention of homeschooling then!

When we left Texas for Hawaii, Liz was almost 7; Tori was 2, and Katie was a newborn. We brought some light learning toys with us on the long plane ride and left the heavy school books for the packers. I regret that, since it took a long time for our possessions to arrive in Hawaii by boat. We didn’t receive them until well after all the homeschool co-ops began their “school year.” We were still so new to the whole homeschooling world. It was such fun being in such an exotic new place. We did lots of new things and learned a lot about ourselves as a family during that tour.

When we left Hawaii for Utah, Liz was almost 10; Tori was 4; Kate was 3, and Alex was a newborn. The girls all had backpacks filled to the brim with workbooks, school things, snacks, and fun manipulatives to spend quiet activity time on the super long plane ride. It took a few days to recover from the jet lag and receive our van from the boat. Aaron flew to the west coast to drive it home. And this is the first location where we had any real seasons. That was a learning experience!

Then he deployed only a few months later.

It was hard saying goodbye.

My first winter in my entire life, alone with four kids in a strange state, thousands of miles from any family!

Again, we used this as a learning experience. Geography and history about the region where my husband lived in the desert for 7 months. Politics that led up to the conflicts. Learning about our new state too.

The kids and I all learned to rely on each other.

My girls helped so much with their baby brother if I didn’t feel well. Liz really stepped up and started being so responsible with everything. Thankfully, we didn’t have too many problems. We experienced some illness and I handled it, taking Alex to the ER for a breathing treatment when he looked rather bluish around his lips one evening. We all pulled together and got Chick-Fil-A for dinner!

Thankfully, there were no injuries. There was no car trouble!

The kids and I did fine. We took it one day at a time. The home dynamics were so different without Aaron here. I ran this place like clockwork. We were scheduled to a fault, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to “hand them off” if I got too tired or frustrated, so I made sure I was super proactive about meal planning, cleaning, school, everything.

I’m very self-reliant, confident, and capable. I was a single mom before I met Aaron. I’m capable and intelligent. I can be a little too controlling.

And I realize that I can be a little lazy when my husband is home!

Homecoming was great. Everything was on time.

I had no help from Aaron’s co-workers or any of the military spouses or our church. I guess no one really understood that I was alone with 4 kids 24/7 for 7+ months – homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, functioning – with no breaks and no help. The only offers of help were people who wanted to babysit my kids so I could go out. I had nowhere to go and no one to go with, so that was pointless for me. And the commander’s wife came and shoveled snow in my driveway. That was weird and uncomfortable for me and I didn’t need her to do that.

I really just wanted someone to take the kids for an hour maybe once a month to get them ice cream or go to a playground to give me a little break at home.

As an introvert, it’s hard for me to ask for help when and if I need it.

My parents visited in mid-May and that was a disaster. I had to entertain them and we have quite a strained relationship. The kids don’t know them and were constantly sent to the basement to quietly play. The kids’ schedule got way off and they became hungry, tired, and irritable. My parents got mad and left early, telling me I’m a horrible mother.

When our basement FLOODED on Memorial Day morning, I learned what true friends we had in our neighbors. I Skyped with my husband, feeling so helpless and frustrated that I could only keep the kids out of the way…while the men of my neighborhood put their fishing trips on hold and rushed over to clear out our basement (it’s our school space!) and place everything in the garage and then they removed the carpet to dry. They sterilized the basement that day.

It was over a month before everything was back to normal. We sifted through the garage for items we needed to complete our lessons. Everything was a mess and we did the best we could, completing our schooling in the kitchen and living room and even on the deck since it was getting warmer into late spring. And it encouraged me to simplify our schooling and store everything well in plastic tubs for the future!

We had to be flexible.

I know many people have horror stories of their spouse’s deployments – illness, injury, and other major crises that I cannot imagine. We were really blessed to only get a flooded basement.

Click to see how others homeschool in a crisis!

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