Tips to Navigate Motherhood When Your Spouse is Deployed

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

June 20, 2018 By Jennifer 17 Comments

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of 1 Natural Way, a TRICARE breast pump provider. All opinions are entirely my own.

We’ve PCSed a couple times with infants. That’s interesting. There’s so much stuff to travel with – in case of any scenario.

Military life definitely has its challenges.

Our first deployment was when our son was only nine months old.

We PCSed to Utah in August and my husband deployed in January.

I had never lived through a real winter. I had always lived in mild, warm climates. And I had four kids under 10.

Being a mom is often hard.

Being a single mom can be quite difficult. I did that with one child for four years.

Being a military wife with a deployed husband and four kids is an adventure.

First deployments are really hard. There are so many unknowns. We’re up for our second deployment later this year and I feel more prepared.

If you know a mom whose spouse is deployed…take some time to help or just listen during this lonely and hard time.

You’ve seen and checked off all the deployment checklists. You’ve gotten the POA and all the right paperwork.

You’ve said your goodbyes at the airport gate.

The house is quieter. There is so much less laundry to do. Why are there so many leftovers at dinner?

You wake up sprawled in the middle of the bed instead of on your side.

You don’t think you’re gonna make it through these next few months.

I’m here to tell you that you’re gonna make it. You’re gonna be just fine.

How to Navigate Motherhood When Your Spouse is Deployed

Routine.

I ran my household like clockwork. I was efficient. I was prepared.

As a homeschool mom, I could have just allowed our lives to run into chaos.

But I set a strict schedule and kept to it. Meals, schoolwork, some fun activities, indoor and outdoor playtimes, chores, baths, bedtime.

With four kids under 10, I had to rely on them a lot and we all learned to be interdependent and help each other. It’s amazing what kids can and will do – if you just let them.

I anticipated disaster.

Then our basement flooded and disrupted all my best intentions.

But the routine held and life went on.

Relax.

Deployment may not be the best time to go back to school or haul the kids to a gazillion summer or after school extracurricular activities.

While routines and schedules are great for sanity…don’t lose heart or get discouraged if it slips. Don’t be legalistic about it.

Holidays and special events can really suck during deployments. Do something special but don’t stress and worry over it being perfect. It won’t be. Do your best. It’s good enough.

Give yourself a little break and realize there’s only one of you.

There are no good or bad emotions. Feel. Let your kids see you. Lean into it. Comfort each other. Discuss your feelings. Validate the sadness and anger but don’t live there.

Network.

Learn who your key spouse or the equivalent is within your organization. Get connected to other deployed spouses.

Ask for contacts at church in case of emergency.

Join a moms group. Or a homeschool group. Or a book club. Find a friend somewhere.

Inform neighbors or HOA so they are aware and can assist if needed.

Family visits can be a hassle or a blessing during deployment. You know what’s best for you and yours.

Ask for help.

This is a hard one.

I’ve never liked asking for help.

Our church pretty much ignored us during deployment and that (among other issues) prompted us to find a new one.

My husband’s group commander’s wife came and shoveled snow out of our driveway and it made me so uncomfortable. She also watched my kids a couple times for me to go out but I had nowhere to go and nothing to do. It just wasn’t what I wanted or needed.

Decide what you don’t want or like to do. It may be snow shoveling or mowing the lawn. Find a neighborhood teen to pay to do those tasks.

It helps to know what you want and need – and how and whom to ask.

My neighbors rallied together to help me with our flooded basement and that was an amazing experience. I wouldn’t have known where to start.

If you or your child needs to talk to someone, TRICARE covers at least 3 preliminary mental health appointments with family health care providers and can refer you for more with a therapist if necessary. Don’t hesitate to make those appointments. Be honest with yourself. No shame. Do what you must for the health of you and your family.

Self care.

This is hard for many moms.

I do better now taking care of myself than I did when my kids were really little.

Eating well and getting enough sleep are challenges for moms of little ones and also for moms whose spouses are deployed.

Set small goals like getting a daily shower and getting dressed in clean clothes.

You’re living your life in three-hour increments as you’re nursing, caring for little ones, surviving.

It’s enough.

I keep some quick meal items in the freezer and pantry for when I don’t feel well.

Deployment can a great time to get active, lose weight, get healthier, reset, and refocus. I find it easier to cook and eat what I like when I’m alone. The kids help me stay active.

Set a schedule that works for you and your family. That could mean putting the kids to bed earlier or later for your sanity.

Do something new.

Create a little list of some new and different activities to keep busy.

Ask the kids what they’d like to do and try to do some of their list too. Distractions are good when they miss their parent.

Don’t get overwhelmed, but it’s nice and often necessary to keep your mind busy during those lonely months. Bonus if it’s something you can do with the kids!

Lots of museums are free during summer and National Parks offer free or discounted passes to military families.

Some fun ideas:

calligraphy
jewelry making
painting
yoga or pilates
online classes
reading
journal
cooking
charity work
church activities
hiking
birding
photography

Know your benefits and privileges as a military spouse.

Many military installations offer events for deployed spouses – Give Parents a Break program, free family meals, free tickets, portrait ops, and more.

Make sure you’re on email lists for deployed spouses or check social media for your options. Take advantage of the events offered and make new friends too.

I wish these breast pump benefits had been available when my babies were little and nursing!

1 Natural Way offers the popular Medela, Spectra and Kiinde brands. In addition to breast pumps, 1 Natural Way also offers breast pump accessories, compression socks and postpartum care supplies – covered under your Tricare insurance plan at no out of pocket expense to you.

The following five simple steps will take less than 5 minutes, and your breast pump through Tricare will be on its way:

Step 1: Fill out our insurance information form found below

Step 2: Select your breast pump model (Tricare covers all models we offer)

Step 3: Enroll in our Monthly breastfeeding accessories program (called Resupply)

Step 4: Provide us with a prescription or your doctor’s information, and we will obtain one for you

Step 5: Your pump and supplies will ship right to your front door via UPS or USPS

1 Natural Way handles contacting both your health insurance provider and your physician on your behalf. They offer the easiest process in the industry-backed by thousands of reviews and testimonials from moms everywhere. They work hard to make it an enjoyable experience to receive your breast pump with minimal or no out of pocket expense to you.

Deployment is always an inconvenience. We’re thankful for our military family and our freedom.

Hang in there.

How do you manage motherhood when your spouse is deployed?

Linking up: Blogghetti, Life of Faith, Our Holiday Journey, Inspiration for Moms, Lori Schumaker, Holley Gerth, Darling Downs Diaries, Create with Joy, Mrs. AOK, Timeless Mama, Teaching What is Good, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Abounding Grace, Trekking Thru, Jessi’s Design, Ducks in a Row, Bringing Up Georgia, Gingersnap Crafts, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Journeys in Grace, Sarah Frazer, Soaring with Him, Jaime Wiebel, MaryAndering Creatively, Creative K Kids, East Coast Chic, Katherine’s Corner, Organized 31, Debbie Kitterman, Lori Schumaker, Be Thee Inspired, Imparting Grace, Quietly Reminded, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Bountiful Love, Simply Sweet Home, CKK, Coffee with Us3, Overwhelmed to Fulfilled, Life with Lorelai, Easy Peasy Pleasy, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Chocolate, Bright on a Budget, RCH Reviews, Momfessionals, Blended Blog, Susan Mead, Charm of Home, Lyli Dunbar, Crystal Waddell, Counting My Blessings, Arabah Joy, Our Mini Family, Being a Wordsmith, Home Stories A to Z,

You might also like...

When a Parent Travels

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

May 13, 2015 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

How we make our time special when Dad is away from home.

Lately, we’ve experienced more travel time with Dad away from home.

We survived one deployment. I learned to cope by making some days extra special.

When I’m on my own with four kids to feed, homeschool, and taxi to various extracurricular activities most evenings, I sometimes have to be creative and just let some things go.

How We Play When Dad’s Away

We don’t really play and we don’t disrespect Dad by doing anything he wouldn’t approve of.

I try to spend as little money as possible. We maintain our healthy lifestyle as much as we can while still having some fun and being just a little bit lax.

Meal Time

I like to make meals fun and interesting.

We’ll have a picnic in the living room with music and poetry or breakfast for dinner.

We’ll do a movie night with snacks and mocktails.

I’m more lax on juice intake. We have more cookies and snacks in the house during these times. The kids also are learning to be more independent and cook or prepare things for themselves.

I like to make dishes my husband doesn’t like. So, basically lots of dishes with bell peppers.

Occasionally, we’ll eat out for a real treat. It’s getting harder and harder to dine out with four kids and still be healthy and frugal.

I have to relax at meal times since I have no second adult to help with four kids. I’m quick to accept dinner invitations when I’m the sole parent. It’s nice to share a meal with friends.

Play Time

It’s no fun being home all day, every day.

We go to parks, movies, playgrounds, swimming – anything that Dad wouldn’t especially miss while he’s out of town. It’s getting easier now that the kids are a little older and I don’t have to constantly help or watch every single second.

If there’s a particular festival, I try to take the kids but that’s an awful lot of effort for me to take four kids by myself to a crowded fair. I usually end up feeling like a pack mule.

I make sure the kids have lots of attention and snuggle time. My teen gets to stay up later than the littles since I can give her more mama time.

Chore Time

We still have to keep the house running smoothly, but I don’t stress if the dishes or laundry doesn’t get completed every day.

Sometimes, the table won’t even get cleared after a meal until the next meal! And I just roll with it.

The kids step it up to help and they go above and beyond to do their share to make sure things run smoothly.

Honestly, it’s easier to complete chores when Dad is away. There is no change in schedule on the weekends. There is much less laundry and fewer dishes. Things run more smoothly. My way.

We do have mad cleaning sessions before Dad is due to arrive back home.

School Time

Thankfully, we don’t stress too much over lesson time since we school year-round and almost all day, every day. We have a lifestyle of learning.

I’ve become much more an unschooler and I love watching my kids become fascinated with a subject and do their own unbidden research.

We often start late, school in the evening before bed, take field trips, do lessons on weekends.

We’re more relaxed because I don’t have to plan for that couple hours in the evening for Daddy time. The dynamics are different.

We like to learn about where in the world Dad is traveling and what it’s like there – the time difference, the climate, culture, history, people, foods, etc.

How I Manage Stress

Sure, the kids are sometimes stressed when Dad is away. We read lots of books and go to the library to keep well-stocked. We make sure to visit the park and playground to let off steam. I assure them that Dad will home soon, most likely with souvenirs.

We often are able to keep in touch by chat online, sometimes with Facetime or Skype. We can view maps online or on our school room wall. I take lots of pictures so he doesn’t feel left out of events.

During deployments, we have a special clock on the wall for “Daddy time” so we knew what time it was where he was deployed.

Sometimes, I would like to be “off duty” but that’s even less possible when my husband is out of town.

I stay up late to get some alone time. I work online or watch Netflix or read. Sometimes, all of that at once, lol!

I send the kids to the playground a block away. I have a few friends in the neighborhood now where my kids can go play. It’s healthy and good to be apart sometimes.

During deployments or long TDYs, I get run down by the late nights and having no downtime.

I drink lots of water.
I take supplements and essential oils.
I detox after poor eating with juice and smoothies.
I make myself exercise and get fresh air outside.
On the days when we have no out of the house activities, I rest as much as possible.

It’s still difficult when Dad is away, especially on the younger kids. My son often gets confused about where Dad is or when he’s coming home. I do everything I can to make it easier on our family.

We make homecoming special with favorite meals and rest time.

What are your homecoming traditions?

You might also like...

10 Gifts for the Military Family

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

November 14, 2013 By Jennifer 3 Comments

What can you give military families?

We were lucky that when my husband deployed, it was after Christmas.

Not so lucky that he left on our anniversary, but oh, well.

And he returned before the next Christmas.

But we missed celebrating birthdays and other fun events.

You can give the gift of time or service for a military family, deployed situation or not.

We often don’t need more things and we often won’t ask for help, even when we need it most. We’re used to fending for ourselves and caring for our own. And pretending everything’s ok.

This list is great year-round, for military families with a deployed member or not.

10 Gifts for the Military Family:

Yard care. If you live in a climate with winter, you can shovel or snow-blow their driveway and sidewalks. It will be much appreciated. Trust me. Mow the lawn. Help with yardwork. Lots of youth groups or scout troops need community service. This is a great way to show support.
Caffeine. Drop by with coffee, tea, or hot chocolate. Or gift cards to Starbucks or Teavana. Especially on cold, dark, rainy, or snowy days.
Visit. Stop by unannounced with donuts or fresh bread and clean the kitchen. Bring wine! Some friends from church did that for me on my birthday when my husband was deployed. I was elated. It was such a beautiful thing.
Take the kids. Treat them to ice cream. Or to a park. Or to a museum. Or a movie. Out. Somewhere. Anywhere. Give mom a break for an hour or two. As a homeschool mom with four kids and a deployed husband, I needed a break, people.
Encourage self-care. Take the kids for an evening (or weekend) so the couple can have a date night. If the military member is deployed, offer to watch the kids for an afternoon or evening to help out. Often, military couples have a hard time finding child care so they just don’t ever go out. Not cool. They need that adult couple time. Recently, some amazing friends took our four kids all weekend long so we could go away (only about an hour away, but still!). It’s only the second time we’ve done that throughout our whole marriage!
Vehicle care. Get their vehicle serviced or detailed. Seriously. This is something a friend of mine received when her husband was deployed and I thought it was ingenious! I never think of it until dashboard lights come on. And then there’s trouble and lots of expense involved!
Hospitality. Invite the family over for a meal, dessert, drinks, a music event, a holiday lights display. Something. Include them. We’re often far from home and family and feel isolated and excluded. And we’d love to learn new traditions and celebrate with you.
Carpooling. If you know the kids have music lessons, dance, gymnastics, art, sports, church activities, whatever…offer to help out, especially if there are babies in the household. I was so stressed juggling my four kids and their activities when my husband was deployed. Sometimes, I would skip something to let the baby finish a nap. It was just easier.
Anticipate needs. Bring grocery necessities by or call if you’re at the store to see if they need anything. It’s so frustrating to run out of milk or eggs or realize you’re missing an ingredient for a recipe and have to drop everything to run to the store. But to drag four kids out in a blizzard with no help and not being able to call, “Honey, can you pick up ____ on the way home?” Depressing.
Appointments. If they have medical or vet appointments, ask if you can help. Most vets and doctors prefer children not to be in attendance so there’s no distraction, so offer to watch the kids during appointments. Many moms don’t get check-ups since it’s so stressful. Help her maintain her health!

Ask. Offer. Be sincere.

We often say we’re just fine when we’re really hanging onto sanity by a fine thread.

You can offer to walk the dogs. Or just come over for a chat. Bring a bottle of wine over after the kids’ bedtime. Email or call for some encouragement. Send a note or flowers that you’re thinking about her.

If something breaks in the house or car and she’s used to relying on her husband to fix it, help her find someone to do the job – free or cheap!

Be someone they can call if they need help. Be a listener. Be a doer.

Our neighbors helped to clear everything out of our basement when it flooded on a holiday morning and my husband is deployed. (Thank God for my amazing neighbors. Bless those people!)

Be available. Be a friend.

Linking up: Sunny Day Family

You might also like...

Homeschooling in a Crisis: Deployment

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

March 13, 2013 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

When I hear or see the word “crisis,” I think of something really bad.

What is a crisis?

a time of intense difficulty or danger.
a time when a difficult or important decision must be made.

We are a military family and my husband has deployed and we PCS (move to a new location) every 2-4 years and that often calls for daily living in crisis-mode.

If I really think about it?

We’ve been in crisis-mode for the duration of our marriage.

All of life’s stressful events – marriage, the sudden deaths of both Aaron’s parents, births of babies, moving across the country a few times, deployment…those are crises and somewhat unusual for most people to experience in their lives – and seldom during the same year.

I don’t know any other way other than to keep on keepin’ on.

I dive into work and homeschool and cleaning and doing daily life.

We don’t have to follow a traditional August-June school year in our homeschool and sometimes, we PCS well in the fall, after most schools have returned to their regular routines. We generally homeschool year-round to give us more freedom in our schedules, especially during PCS years.

During the purging, organizing, packing, loading, moving, unloading, unpacking, organizing, and set-up that accompanies all the moving, we only do the barest schooling necessities. I only keep school items that can fit in each child’s backpack since we don’t have much room in planes or the van when we travel from our old home to a new one. Check out our overseas PCS while homeschooling.

I think there are many opportunities for life school along the way on these adventures.

When we left Georgia for Texas, Elizabeth was only 4 (isn’t she cute!?). We had such great fun exploring the rest stop museums and learning along the way, seeing Gulf Coast beaches and then desert…and we had no intention of homeschooling then!

When we left Texas for Hawaii, Liz was almost 7; Tori was 2, and Katie was a newborn. We brought some light learning toys with us on the long plane ride and left the heavy school books for the packers. I regret that, since it took a long time for our possessions to arrive in Hawaii by boat. We didn’t receive them until well after all the homeschool co-ops began their “school year.” We were still so new to the whole homeschooling world. It was such fun being in such an exotic new place. We did lots of new things and learned a lot about ourselves as a family during that tour.

When we left Hawaii for Utah, Liz was almost 10; Tori was 4; Kate was 3, and Alex was a newborn. The girls all had backpacks filled to the brim with workbooks, school things, snacks, and fun manipulatives to spend quiet activity time on the super long plane ride. It took a few days to recover from the jet lag and receive our van from the boat. Aaron flew to the west coast to drive it home. And this is the first location where we had any real seasons. That was a learning experience!

Then he deployed only a few months later.

It was hard saying goodbye.

My first winter in my entire life, alone with four kids in a strange state, thousands of miles from any family!

Again, we used this as a learning experience. Geography and history about the region where my husband lived in the desert for 7 months. Politics that led up to the conflicts. Learning about our new state too.

The kids and I all learned to rely on each other.

My girls helped so much with their baby brother if I didn’t feel well. Liz really stepped up and started being so responsible with everything. Thankfully, we didn’t have too many problems. We experienced some illness and I handled it, taking Alex to the ER for a breathing treatment when he looked rather bluish around his lips one evening. We all pulled together and got Chick-Fil-A for dinner!

Thankfully, there were no injuries. There was no car trouble!

The kids and I did fine. We took it one day at a time. The home dynamics were so different without Aaron here. I ran this place like clockwork. We were scheduled to a fault, but I knew that I wouldn’t be able to “hand them off” if I got too tired or frustrated, so I made sure I was super proactive about meal planning, cleaning, school, everything.

I’m very self-reliant, confident, and capable. I was a single mom before I met Aaron. I’m capable and intelligent. I can be a little too controlling.

And I realize that I can be a little lazy when my husband is home!

Homecoming was great. Everything was on time.

I had no help from Aaron’s co-workers or any of the military spouses or our church. I guess no one really understood that I was alone with 4 kids 24/7 for 7+ months – homeschooling, cooking, cleaning, functioning – with no breaks and no help. The only offers of help were people who wanted to babysit my kids so I could go out. I had nowhere to go and no one to go with, so that was pointless for me. And the commander’s wife came and shoveled snow in my driveway. That was weird and uncomfortable for me and I didn’t need her to do that.

I really just wanted someone to take the kids for an hour maybe once a month to get them ice cream or go to a playground to give me a little break at home.

As an introvert, it’s hard for me to ask for help when and if I need it.

My parents visited in mid-May and that was a disaster. I had to entertain them and we have quite a strained relationship. The kids don’t know them and were constantly sent to the basement to quietly play. The kids’ schedule got way off and they became hungry, tired, and irritable. My parents got mad and left early, telling me I’m a horrible mother.

When our basement FLOODED on Memorial Day morning, I learned what true friends we had in our neighbors. I Skyped with my husband, feeling so helpless and frustrated that I could only keep the kids out of the way…while the men of my neighborhood put their fishing trips on hold and rushed over to clear out our basement (it’s our school space!) and place everything in the garage and then they removed the carpet to dry. They sterilized the basement that day.

It was over a month before everything was back to normal. We sifted through the garage for items we needed to complete our lessons. Everything was a mess and we did the best we could, completing our schooling in the kitchen and living room and even on the deck since it was getting warmer into late spring. And it encouraged me to simplify our schooling and store everything well in plastic tubs for the future!

We had to be flexible.

I know many people have horror stories of their spouse’s deployments – illness, injury, and other major crises that I cannot imagine. We were really blessed to only get a flooded basement.

Click to see how others homeschool in a crisis!

You might also like...