I prayed to move to Germany, y’all. I prayed so hard.

I knew my family needed a break from the American rat race.

We needed to reset.

Living in Utah seemed to magnify my less-than, like I was living in the spotlight of never-enough.

I’ve kinda always felt that way, but it seemed even worse the last few years.

I needed to fill that hole in my heart with stuff, trying to compete with my kids as a showcase against all those little wannabe Gap model kids.

I failed miserably.

We often showed up to library storytime, barely out of pajamas, with unkempt hair, questionable teeth hygiene, and mismatched socks.

Bombarded with emails, social media posts, and blogs about what I needed: should have, coupons, sales, giveaways, deals, affiliate programs.

I was tired.

I wanted off the ride.

It has been liberating deleting emails and removing myself from lists that are no longer relevant to our living in Europe.

We don’t have Target and I’m so happy about that. (Did I just hear a collective gasp?!)

There is a limited selection here at most stores and fewer stores to shop anyway. And we have no storage or room for all those extra things we don’t even need.

It’s too stressful and expensive and takes forever to eat out with six family members and I am more than happy to plan and stay home for meals.

Because, I am not strong enough to set rules and keep to them. I am not strong enough to budget and plan and say no. I am not strong enough to make better choices not based on the media or the blog posts telling me what my family should have.

I’ve never felt like I fit in. Homeschool groups and co-ops just don’t make me happy. I hope the problem is really me and not them. But it’s not worth my time and effort to try to counsel myself and find out.

I’m more confident here with my family that I don’t need affirmation from other homeschoolers here.

It’s a blank slate. I can rewrite our priorities and goals.