Parenting Young Adults

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July 20, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

Parenting is a series of mistakes, failures, successes, heartache, pride.

My firstborn is certainly the research subject in all our parenting decisions.
She is also the catalyst for many rules and lots of changes we make in our family.

She was always a dynamo. She never met a stranger. She’s a social butterfly through and through and I am always content to be “Her Mom.”

I’ve watched her grow and fail, learn, and dance to and fro.

We began homeschooling because of her fall birthday. We tried a month of third grade because of her and promptly brought her back home.

I pushed until she pushed back.

I learned boundaries as a parent. I learned how to be me, a mother, a person, and make personal demands based on my own needs from her example.

She’s quite the lawyer in her well-thought-out arguments and I struggle sometimes to be democratic, respectful, gentle.

I was never treated with respect in my own home when I was growing up. I had no privacy. I wasn’t allowed to express emotions or thoughts. I attempted suicide at age 20 and ran away at age 21.

I want to be a better parent than mine were. Navigating this modern world with no role models and no guidance is really hard.

I feel I am in uncharted waters with an almost twenty-year-old.

The Christian parenting and the secular parenting books, blogs, experts all say almost the same things – tough love, harsh consequences, isolation, withdrawing love and affection, removing privileges. We don’t do that with our young kids, so why would we start now?

I never liked the purity or stay at home daughter movements. They remove autonomy from women and open doors for abusive relationships.

Parenting never ends.

As children get older, the parent-child relationship evolves into friendship, hopefully. It becomes a solid relationship with gives and takes. It amazing to watch these little people grow into adults.

Our society does not respect children. Teenagers are viewed with suspicion and young adults are often humiliated and taken advantage of by many adults.

Young people have so much to offer if we allowed them respect and freedom they deserve.

Parenting a Young Adult

Respect

I have always tried to respect my children. It’s sometimes difficult when I feel disrespected and triggered. I often have to walk away and give myself a timeout and think about it.

I have very few rules: no drugs. no porn. no illegal activity.

I require my children to respect each other.

Communication is important. It’s up to me as the adult and parent to model healthy and nonviolent communication. Sometimes, it’s really, really hard. I have had to walk away to think and regroup and calm down many times.

I find myself more and more stating as calmly as possible, “What you said/did is disrespectful and that’s not ok.”

Expectations

We tried to do a contract, but it was worthless with no real consequences. It just has to be an ongoing conversation and it’s exhausting.

I keep going back to respect. If we’ve never done arbitrary consequences, how can I begin now? I don’t want to require her to pay rent because she needs to save for college and her future, even though she hasn’t saved a penny in over two years from her part time job.

Attending college classes and working a part time job is paramount. I feel it teaches responsibility and offers a gradual climb into the adult world of vast responsibility.

While I would love to expect chores to be completed, that isn’t always the priority at this stage when there are assignment deadlines and potentially late shift work schedules.

I have found that if I issue very specific time-sensitive commands, they get done more immediately.

Disappointment

Of course I’ve been disappointed by some of my child’s poor choices.

I had to get over my own issues with piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair. It’s her body.

While tattoos and ear plugs are pretty irreversible, I don’t worry so much about hair anymore.

It’s more worrisome when she’s made poor financial and relationship choices. She has to live and learn from her mistakes.

She hates college and I don’t really blame her. It really is so very different than twenty years ago and I don’t understand why. It should be easier with so much information at our fingertips. She’s taking some time off and looking for full time work.

I’m trying not to project onto her my education values. Sometimes it does feel like a kick in the teeth. All those homeschool years – wasted? It’s her life and her future. But I fear she may have unnecessary struggles without a college degree, certificate, apprenticeship, or training.

Boundaries

I have to set clear boundaries – with consequences.

It’s really hard when there are few arbitrary consequences that matter with older teens and young adults.

Natural consequences can be scary and dangerous. Risk taking isn’t such a big deal with small kids. They might get a bruise or at worst a broken bone. Older teens and young adults might get in trouble with legal authorities or cause real irreparable harm to themselves and others.

I don’t want to the younger kids exposed to inappropriate media. I don’t want my younger kids exposed to porn, racist or sexist jokes, or violence.

Social media continues to expose the masses to a plethora of information, not all of it good. We use it as education as to boundaries, what’s worthwhile and what is abusive or vile.

I say often why something is inappropriate. Often I feel it shouldn’t be consumed by anyone.

I teach about tone and sarcasm. We need to practice kindness and I must model it for them to be to recognize it.

Why should we exploit others for entertainment?

Preparation

Preparing for the future is most important for young adults.

The goal is that they be successful and independent citizens.

I try to begin young with all my kids, teaching them valuable life skills.

I discuss finances, values, goals frequently about things they understand.

They know when we have struggled financially because of an emergency. They understand when we’re saving or paying off debt. I want them to realize their privilege in financial security also.

They’ve never known adversity. Other than stress and moving frequently as a military family.

I require my kids to purchase their own smartphones. We pay for the monthly family plan.

As soon as their age is in double digits, they call to make their own appointments, with me standing by to assist if needed.

I encourage my kids to talk to clerks and store employees if they need something or to place an order. They need to learn to communicate clearly and respectfully with others.

Of course, kids must learn to do their laundry and make meals for themselves. I provide a cookbook with all our favorite family recipes.

They must help with car maintenance. It’s important to learn and understand the expense of necessary auto upkeep.

We have 529 college plans, but they probably won’t pay for an entire four-year degree. They have to work part time, save, and apply for scholarships. We discourage loans and the lifelong debt that brings.

It’s so hard sometimes to watch the fledglings flounder, fall, fail. I want to rescue them, but that wouldn’t help them learn to be successful.

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What’s your relationship like with your adult children?

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Eighteen

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October 14, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

18.

My baby is 18 now.

An official adult.

In America, this means you can vote! and buy tobacco products (don’t). You’re still treated like a child, but expected to be mature beyond your experience.

In Europe, you could buy liquor or we could have a cocktail together in a pub.

You still don’t have your driver’s license and that’s ok. I try not to push you to do anything until you’re ready.

I know how stubborn you can be.

You’re my first baby, and I did a lot of things wrong.

I hardly felt grown myself when I had you.

I was anxious about the silly things and screwed up some important things. I was too strict in the beginning. I yelled and hit. I was childish and mean.

Then I began to understand.

You’re the reason I’ve done everything.

I pulled myself out of emotional, financial, and relationship pits for you.

We homeschooled for you.

You were my anchor.

It’s a lot of responsibility for a child’s shoulders to bear.

I have lots of regrets and apologies. I’ve tried to always be honest with you, even when I’m ashamed.

I know growing up can be scary. I know there are so many difficult decisions. Sometimes, I get scared for you. It seems that life throws lots of curveballs within just a few years and it seems like you have to make all the right decisions superfast or you will fail miserably. I feel anxiety but you have to learn and make your own way. If I catch you all the time, you won’t be able to march on. Comparing yourself to others makes it worse. I know it seems like others have it made and it looks so easy for them. I know it’s lonely. Even if you make a wrong decision (like I made so, so many), you will still eventually succeed. Your success might look different than you imagine. You can always make amends, changes, u-turns. Hearts heal. You can change your major. You can get a different job. Relationships come and go.

Life hurts.

You are resilient and strong.

I am so proud of you.

What I pray for you now that you’re spreading your wings:

Voice

I love that you know who you are. I am just figuring that out for myself.

I’m learning to listen better.

I love that you’re assertive and have opinions, even when we disagree.

I love who you are as a big sister. Thank you for caring so much.

I admire your wit.

Be careful on social media.

Be kind.

Maintain integrity in everything.

Use your voice to lift up others and make a difference. I believe you can change the world for better.

Self-Care

Learn what your body needs for health.

Yes, it really does help to go outside and enjoy nature – in every kind of weather.

Drink lots of water. It helps flush out toxins and makes you feel better. Honest.

Eat well and regularly. It regulates your metabolism. You will thank me when you’re 35.

Take time for yourself to heal and recover. But make sure you get back out there.

Safety

I still worry.

I still want to know where you are and who you’re with.

I will always be concerned.

I hope you never have to utilize those skills you learned in that 2-hour self-defense class.

I know I can’t keep you safe like I could when you were little, but I hope you’re always aware of your surroundings.

Finances

We’ve tried really hard to stay debt-free. We’ve had our ups and downs.

I want you to have a better beginning, with no student loan debt. No car loan.

Debt can be crippling to recover from.

Credit cards are not for regular use, but only for emergencies.

Start saving for wants and emergencies as soon as you can.

Money is a tool like any other.

I pray we’ve given you a great beginning.

“Intelligence plus character—that is the goal of true education.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.
“Now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for you being here. Make good art.” ~Neil Gaiman

While we have few milestones or coming of age rituals in the USA, I hope I made your birthdays and life events special.

This is 18 Around the World.

What seems to emerge after the trials of the fifteen/sixteen change is a calmer, more self-assured young person. They don’t need to talk about everything anymore. They are trying to handle things themselves in a more self-contained way than ever before. They are preparing for their own life where they must stand on their own two feet. Parents often are not sure how much to intervene or offer help at this stage.
The Parenting Passageway

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How Teens Can Spend Summer

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June 25, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

School’s out and summer’s here.

Most teens are in limbo between childhood and adulthood…they might want to just hole up in their rooms and spend all their time on social media.

There are plenty of opportunities for teens to continue learning, get job training, and have fun during summer.

Here’s a list of the top ten ways that teens can spend time this summer:

Explore the Great Outdoors

With flourishing trees and fully blossomed flowers, it’s arguable that nature reaches its peak in the summer. Getting outside and exploring its beauty is best done by taking the time to walk through and embrace it. You can even make a multi-day adventure out of hiking by pitching a tent with a few friends or family. Camping is an excellent way to take advantage of the cool summer nights and maximize your time enjoying the country’s wildlife. From dazzling beaches to soaring mountains, dense forests to vast plains, the U.S. is full of beauty calling for you to explore. The National Park Service has some handy resources for locating parks and trails near you.

Escape the Heat and Take a Dip

In most areas of the country, the weather is only suitable for swimming for a short period of time. Take advantage of the warmth and sunshine by going for a dip in the oceans, rivers, lakes, swimming pools, water parks or whatever you have access to in your area. There is nothing more refreshing than wading in the water on a hot summer day. With so many public access points at most bodies of water, there is no reason not to visit the thousands of water-spots in the country.

Become an Expert on History and Culture

Museums act as a window into places separated by time and location. They provide the tools to educate people on the history of our predecessors and the world’s intercultural development through the ages. From instructive science exhibits to experiential art displays, museums have a lot to offer for those with an open mind and a will to learn. Make a day trip to a local museum or plan a vacation around seeing multiple exhibits across the country. If you’re on a tight budget, do not fret. There are loads of free museums just a google search away. Check out National Geographic’s list of 20 free U.S. museums that are worth checking out.

Witness the World’s Wildlife

America is home to some of the best zoos and aquariums in the world. When looking into visiting a zoo or aquarium, you must consider the quality of the establishment. It is no secret that sometimes these institutions do not uphold the best treatment for animals. Despite the negligent ones, there are several zoos that do a great job caring for their animals. Read more about how to identify a good zoo.

Once you weed out the bad zoos and aquariums in your own research, there is an immense amount that society can take away from the high quality ones. They help conserve the extensive list of species at risk of becoming extinct, provide an outlet for scientists and animal-life experts to conduct research, and educate the public about our planet’s wildlife. Something to note is that if you research different zoos and aquariums in advance, you will most likely find some limited edition exhibits that pique your interest, so start planning today.

Earn Some Cash and Build Your Resume

With all of the spare time in the summer, getting a part-time job can never hurt. Whether you are saving up for college or earning some money to help fund your summer excursions, it is no doubt that the three-month break from school is a wonderful opportunity to earn some extra cash. Aside from the financial aspect of getting a job, it is never too early to start gaining work experience. There is something to learn from any job you have, no matter how simple it may seem. Some examples of part-time jobs good for high school students include lifeguarding, working as a cashier, host/hostessing at a restaurant, or being a camp counselor.

If you already have a pretty firm grasp on what you want to study in your post-secondary studies, the summer is perfect for seeking opportunities such as internships or specialty camps that provide insight into your desired field of study. When looking for a job later down the line, it may be beneficial to prove to the potential employer that you had an early interest in the field and have several years of experience. Even if you are unsure of your interest, these programs can give you an idea of whether or not it is a profession that you would like to further consider.

Declutter and Dispose with a Garage Sale

Summer break is a time for not only cleansing your mind but for purging unused or unwanted possessions. Whether you’re going off to college in the fall or simply need a fresh start, garage and yard sales are a great way for you to declutter your living space and get rid of those belongings that you haven’t touched in years.

If you’re having trouble getting this project rolling, let the thought of earning a few extra dollars motivate you. All you have to do to start is throw open your attic door, have two boxes labeled “Keep” and “Sell,” and get to sorting. Pick a day that works for you and list your yard sale in the appropriate classified sections of both Craigslist and your local newspaper. People won’t know you’re selling all this great stuff if you don’t advertise the event. Whatever you don’t sell, you can donate to local charities or even friends and family.

Explore Yourself through Self Expression

Ever have a hairstyle or cool outfit you wanted to sport? With three months away from your peers and teachers, it’s your time to explore yourself without fear of judgement. Summer is the perfect opportunity for you to test out new ways of expressing yourself and find out just what it is you have to offer the world. This doesn’t stop at your appearance. With your spare time, you can sign up for a dance class, learn an instrument, stylize your room, join a sports team and so much more. Live your best life this summer and have fun finding yourself.

Visit Places Only Your Imagination Can Take You

During the year, it can be difficult to read for leisure when you’re constantly bombarded with reading assignments at school. This summer, take the time to read something for yourself without any deadlines or papers in the mix. You might be surprised where your imagination takes you and what you can learn from a good book. If you don’t know how to find the right book for you, join a local reading club or check TIME’s list of 100 best books for young adults.

Have Fun on the Fairgrounds

Carnival rides and fair food are the pinnacle of American culture. Each summer, people travel from surrounding towns to go to the nearest fairgrounds and come together for a celebration of life. If you’re on social media, you most likely have seen ferris wheels and funnel cake flood your Instagram feed when the season rolls around. The truth is, it’s usually as fun as the pictures suggest. Many of these fairs offer petting zoos, games, rides and other festivities perfect for a day of fun with your family, friends, or romantic interest. Look up county and state fairs that are happening near you and start planning your visit today.

Put Others Before Yourself

Don’t feel bad if you’re spending your summer focusing on yourself, but if you have the time, you can do some work for others. Completing community service leaves you with a feeling of fulfillment and a sense of achievement. You can always log your hours and add the experience to your resume. If you’re a college-bound teen, volunteering your time is a great way to stand out to college admissions counselors and show them your quality of character. Read more about why volunteering is a key component in the college admissions process.

The opportunities are endless when it comes to deciding how to spend your summer. No matter how you choose to spend it, the important part is that you have fun and stay safe. Be proactive and make the most of your time this summer.

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Learning to Let Go

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August 29, 2017 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

With a new year comes evaluation, changes, praise, regret, resolution.

Perhaps these are amplified for the homeschool mom. I sure feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders constantly.

And even more so for the homeschool mom of a teenager.

Teens have a way of putting you in your place, don’t they?

We’ve spent the last few years tapering back, evaluating priorities, setting goals, discussing plans for success.

It’s time to simplify.

Several years ago, my daughter was fired from her piano lessons. Her teacher just called me and gave me no notice that lessons would not continue. Nice. Apparently, theory workbook hadn’t been completed in a month and practicing had been scarce to none. She needed to cut her client list and my daughter was at the top of that list. Ouch.

Way to feel inferior as a mom.

I should’ve been checking and encouraging, nagging about practicing and the homework, right?

But it’s not my piano lesson.

It’s her responsibility.

While reviewing curriculum for the blog is a blessing for our family, it also causes upheaval for a time to see if this or that is a good fit or is fun or works better than that other one. Often, changing mid stride is necessary if something doesn’t work. Sometimes it’s hard to make the call. Is it too difficult? Is the child just being stubborn? Does it not fit our learning or teaching style? I’ve struggled over the years with making changes and wasting time and money on curriculum that doesn’t work for us. But it’s also great to have the freedom to choose what works best for us. We seldom do reviews now and we’ve settled into a good routine.

Homeschooling and having my four children home with me all the time gives me a better glimpse into their needs, desires, personalities, preferences. I have a better idea of how to guide them since I’m with them all the time and see the dynamics of their interactions.

It’s my job to be proactive and recognize when their needs change and how I should adapt. It’s a constant dance of doubt and wonder. I read and research and pray that I’m not messing all this up too much.

As children grow up, relationships and responsibilities change.

I’m still set on mothering toddlers, young children, tweens…and suddenly, I’m stuck with this woman-girl and I’m at a loss as to what to do with her.

Me, who had no qualms as a high school English teacher, standing toe to toe with burly high school football players and telling them what for.

This girl with her flashing eyes undoes me.

I expect more from a 17-year-old than an 11-year-old than a 3-year-old. Yes, it sucks to not be able to play all the time.

Being a responsible citizen is sometimes tiresome and I would rather lie around and read novels than do dishes, laundry, or pay bills. It’s my job to be positive and proactive and teach my teen daughter these things are better done quickly and cheerfully. Work before play.

I must lead by example.

My attitude matters.

There are difficult years parenting teens when I doubted everything.

I’ve learned that my eldest daughter gets rather run down without one on one time with me. She needs to be away from her younger siblings to recharge once in a while. I need to be intentional about making this happen more. She’s very social but gets easily overwhelmed.

My middle girl needs lots of exercise and outside time to blow off steam and she gets very tired in the evenings, so we try to get book work finished early.

My youngest girl is a free spirit and it’s heartwarming to watch her explore and create.

My son is so compassionate and thoughtful of others and I pray that is never compromised by this cruel world.

It will be proactive to help our household be more stable too in any way I can. Despite moving every few years. Despite deployments. Despite illnesses. Despite the deaths of pets.

I’ve watched the kids blossom and grow and become so independent, but they still ask what I think, what should she do.

My eldest just began college and got a part-time job!

It’s a delicate balance, this granting little freedoms with open hands – while they still think that freedom is something I can grant them.

While wanting to clench the fingers into tight fists.

All the while, praying.

My eldest has an iron will. I know it will serve her well in the future, but it hurts so much sometimes.

The Holy Spirit can mold them to His will and they will do great and wonderful things for the Kingdom.

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The Power of a Military Friendly College

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February 17, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

The sacrifices made by the members of the U.S. military are unparalleled, so it is good to see schools whose efforts to help those who serve in the American uniform fulfill their academic aspirations are also unparalleled. So called “military friendly colleges” are helping offset some of the burdens thrust upon military personnel due to the government shutdown. The services offered by these schools are sorely needed at this moment.

Government Shutdown

According to a report by “Real Clear Politics,” the government shut has placed education funding for military personal in peril. The report reveals that a law that was enacted prior to the partial government shutdown that has affected thousands of government workers, protected the pay of military personnel; however, the funding for educational programs for military personnel and their families was not a part of the law. The funding for educational programs and military pension funding emptied out at the end of October.

Military Friendly Colleges

Fortunately, there are military friendly schools that can help bear some of the load levied because of the shutdown. Military friendly colleges are schools that consider the challenges that military personnel face when seeking to obtain degrees. Because of the unique challenges that service members face, it can be quite a challenge to integrate college studies into an already hectic schedule. These type of schools create programs and systems that allow students who serve in the military to actively pursue their academic aspirations without interfering with current military responsibilities.

Programming Designed for Active Duty Personnel

Being on active duty in the military creates some specific challenges in maintaining a normal course of study in a school environment. For example, active duty personnel can be deployed on a moment’s notice. Military friendly colleges take these type of situations into consideration and develops programs that will allow for these situational issues.

Online and On Ground Campuses

For those who do well working at their own pace, online campuses will work exceptionally well. Studying online creates the flexibility necessary for someone actively serving in the military to engage and manage their studies.

Whether these students are looking to develop skills that will serve them once they leave active duty or they are looking to advance in their military career.

Tuition Assistance

Military friendly schools offer tuition assistance for all eligible Active Duty, National Guard and Army Reserve Soldiers. This is definitely a plus, considering the absence of funding from the government at this moment. These individuals can apply for tuition assistance online from anywhere at any time. There are even scholarship programs that are made available to those that qualify. Again, the goal is access. Military personnel can work directly with a tuition assistance counselor to ensure that they receive the necessary funding to further their education.

The shutdown has impacted a number of military centered funding programs, but hopefully military friendly schools help ease some of the burden placed on members in the military by the partial shutdown of the government.

This is a sponsored post.

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