Deconstruction

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May 2, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 8 Comments

I spent 27 years maintaining a broken façade.

It’s taken me over 15 years to tear it all down.

I was a never good enough daughter. I was an average student. I was a terrible wife to an abusive husband. I can’t hold a successful job.

Then I was striving to be a good military wife.

I struggled to be a certain kind of homeschool mom.

Now I’m rebuilding.

I have an irresistible impulse to go home again in order to find myself.

But I don’t know where home is.

Deconstruction is a philosophical movement and theory of literary criticism that questions traditional assumptions about certainty, identity, and truth.
Jacques Derrida

Deconstructing into Wholeness

We’re all living in a time of deep social and spiritual upheaval. We’re off autopilot, all of us, reassessing everything.
Bob Holmes

Evaluation

When I didn’t know any better, it was hard.

I occasionally caught glimpses of a different perspective that I wanted but I didn’t understand it nor how I could achieve it.

I questioned everything. It was so important to me that I judged everything and wanted to know why instead of just blindly following.

I think we live in a very sick society and too few question how and why we are complacent.

But maybe every life looked wonderful if all you saw was the photo albums. People always obediently smiled and tilted their heads when a camera was put in front of them.
Liane Moriarty

When I had kids, I knew I wanted a good life for them, better than what I had. I knew I needed to completely reevaluate every single priority and choose wisely.

I tried so many different paths and it was terrible for my kids to have to walk with me while I discovered who I wanted to be.

What is truth? What do I want our truth to be?

Choices

Every single day, we experience choices.

Some choices don’t seem important or life-changing. There are articles, studies, books about making good choices and how even very simple decisions can impact our lives.

I didn’t have good choices. I didn’t have mentors or role models to help.

It’s taken me years to unravel and begin making better choices. My kids have good choices.

Making good morning choices is very important to ensure a good day.

I am not a morning person, but I try to get up at a reasonable hour.

I exercise three times a week before going downstairs to start my day. Sometimes, it’s just a few minutes but it makes a difference.

I make my bed every single day. It pleases me to see it neat and pretty.

I make a hot breakfast for my kids every weekday morning.

I wash a load of laundry every day and I put it away.

We read every day – aloud, together, separately. Reading is important.

We have a hot dinner together as a family every evening.

I take a walk outside every single day. Outside time is important.

I choose not to give into depression.

Reset

If I notice something off or someone seem excessively irritable, I look for a source for those symptoms.

I realize we have to reset.

We’ve maybe gotten too busy or rushed if someone is feeling stressed or anxious. We need to reevaluate our priorities and make some changes in our choices.

Nothing is certain. Everything is fluid and mutable.

Some weeks are just stressful and busy. I look to the light at the end of the appointments and meetings and sports practices for when I can rest a bit.

Self-Control

It’s super important for me to model self-control and help my kids learn to self-regulate.

We all experience big emotions sometimes and few of us has ever learned healthy ways to recognize or express those big feelings. It’s good to sit with feelings and learn to understand them.

I try to take time to talk through conflicts or issues rather than just reacting. Often a child experiences something and I feel triggered and have to take a break to experience that and realize I am not under attack.

We’ve come a long way and we are still learning.

Remodel

I still feel like I am searching for my identity.

Layers of irrelevant desires have peeled away during my 46 years. I am still seeking meaning and peace.

Just like I’m always updating my home and cleaning, adding, or removing, improving…I am doing the same things to my soul.

We’ve tried so many churches and spiritual paths over the years. I have gone full circle to the natural spirituality of my youth. We stopped going to church with all its racism and sexism and abuse a few years ago.

I remodel myself and remove all the false teachings I learned as a child from people who didn’t know any better or struggled with themselves. Many adults caused more harm than help and I am relearning healthier ways.

Introspection

I wasn’t always like this. I had to be reduced to ashes before realizing not everyone can withstand my darkness or sustain my light.
L.L. Musings

I’ve long known that I feel and seem different from most women. I never had close female friends. I didn’t fit in. I don’t have the same likes as many of the moms I’ve known over the years.

I don’t know what to do or what to say in many social situations.

There were too many shallow interactions. I don’t want to be in your wino book club, drunk Bunko, or shopping/lunch bunch. I don’t want to be in a Bible study where the ladies just sit around and brag how much better they are than others.

I prefer more to life than drinking and capitalism.

I don’t want shallow interactions or relationships. I would rather be alone.

Now, I just refuse to participate. I’m mostly fine being alone. It does seem odd to most people that I have absolutely zero friends, no support system, no one to put as an emergency contact.

Words like neurodivergence fly about and maybe I am… Maybe I’m on the spectrum. I know when and where and how I am comfortable.

I don’t want to compromise myself anymore.

I expect to continue to spend many more years learning and leaving behind the self I don’t want to be as I slowly become who I am.

Resources:

Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté
When the Body Says No: the cost of hidden stress by Gabor Maté
The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma Kindle Edition by Bessel van der Kolk
Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth to the World by Beth Berry
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle
Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr

Linking up: Pinch of Joy, Grammy’s Grid, Silverado, Eclectic Red Barn, Anita Ojeda, Random Musings, Shelbee on Edge, Suburbia, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, God’s Growing Garden, OMHG, Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, Wee Abode, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Fluster Buster, Ducks in a Row, Life as LEO Wife, Penny’s Passion, Artful Mom, Try it Like it, Good Random Fun, Imparting Grace, Ridge Haven Homestead, Slices of Life, Momfessionals, Simply Beautiful, Modern Monticello, Pam’s Party, Lauren Sparks, Being a Wordsmith, Answer is Chocolate, April Harris,

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How I Pray

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January 27, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 8 Comments

I didn’t grow up in a praying household.

Religion was ridiculed and people of faith were considered weak.

It’s taken me 20+ years to consider faith and it’s been a rocky journey at best.

I don’t pray as regularly as I should, nor about the right things all the time. I’m selfish and sinful and mean and hateful and hypocritical and judgy. As are we all.

Prayer guilt haunts me with that ongoing uncomfortable, knowing feeling that I really shouldn’t be in ministry because mature saints would pray more than I do, and with much more fervor; prayer laced with Puritanesque, Princetonian, seminary vocabulary, and Biblical theology would be good too.
Pete Alwinson

I won’t pray for you the trite “happiness and health” because those things aren’t guaranteed, nor are they the most important.

I’m disgusted by the misuse of offering “thoughts and prayers” for tragedies, as if it helps anyone. Sometimes, silence is better.

I think prayer is more for Us than for God or the Universe or Others.

When you pray, don’t be like hypocrites. They love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners so that people will see them. I assure you, that’s the only reward they’ll get. But when you pray, go to your room, shut the door, and pray to your Father who is present in that secret place. Your Father who sees what you do in secret will reward you. When you pray, don’t pour out a flood of empty words, as the Gentiles do. They think that by saying many words they’ll be heard. Don’t be like them, because your Father knows what you need before you ask.
Matthew 6:5-8

We learn about ourselves when we pray. We discover our values, needs, desires, wants.

Our eyes only see basic shapes and colors. Our minds perceive what we see. In seeing love in the face of others is to see God. To pray for others is to embrace God.

I think there are many different kinds of prayer.

Types of prayer:

Communion (All day, all the time)
Supplication (Lifting up your needs)
Dedication, Sanctification, and Consecration (Ceremony for service)
Praise (Joyful recounting of all God has done for us)
Worship (Losing self in the adoration of God)
Intercession (On behalf of others)
Spiritual Warfare — Two types: Dealing with yourself (Your mind is the battlefield and Repentance and Forgiveness) and Dealing with Others (Putting on the Full Armor and Binding & Loosing)
Agreement (Corporate Prayer)
Watch & Pray (Continual State of Awareness as a Watchman on the Wall)
Thanksgiving (Count your Blessings; name them one by one)

How I Pray

I grew up thinking that prayer was all about coveting, thanksgiving, and praise.

I memorized little prayers before meals and at bedtime, but it didn’t really mean anything.

I believe prayer is a constant conversation.

It can be long, wordless, or simply an exclamation.

I often express thanks or exasperation or request assistance. I never feel as if I am alone in my endeavours. Sometimes, I want reassurance that Someone else witnessed this or that along with me.

Prayer is then not just a formula of words, or a series of desires springing up in the heart – it is the orientation of our whole body, mind, and spirit to God in silence, attention, and adoration. All good meditative prayer is a conversion of our entire self to God.
Thomas Merton

Prayer as a Discipline

Liturgy of the Hours

The arrangement of the Liturgy of the Hours as described by Saint Benedict:

Matins (during the night, at about 2 a.m.) also called Vigil and perhaps composed of two or three Nocturns
Lauds or Dawn Prayer (at dawn about 5 a.m. or earlier in summer and later in winter)
Prime or Early Morning Prayer (First Hour = approximately 6 a.m.)
Terce or Mid-Morning Prayer (Third Hour = approximately 9 a.m.)
Sext or Midday Prayer (Sixth Hour = approximately 12 noon)
None or Mid-Afternoon Prayer (Ninth Hour = approximately 3 p.m.)
Vespers or Evening Prayer (“at the lighting of the lamps” about 6 p.m.)
Compline or Night Prayer (before retiring about 7 p.m.)

Daily Examen

The Daily Examen that St. Ignatius practiced:

1. Become aware of God’s presence.
2. Review the day with gratitude.
3. Pay attention to your emotions.
4. Choose one feature of the day and pray from it.
5. Look toward tomorrow.

Contemplative Prayer

While contemplation is a train of thought about something, meditation is training the mind to rest in a particular focus that leads to a connection to the source of consciousness itself.

Contemplative prayer follows Christian meditation and is the highest form of prayer which aims to achieve a close spiritual union with God. Both Eastern and Western Christian teachings have emphasized the use of meditative prayers as an element in increasing one’s knowledge of Christ.

Augustine spoke of seven stages:

the first three are merely natural preliminary stages, corresponding to the vegetative, sensitive and rational levels of human life;
the fourth stage is that of virtue or purification;
the fifth is that of the tranquillity attained by control of the passions;
the sixth is entrance into the divine light (the illuminative stage);
the seventh is the indwelling or unitive stage that is truly mystical contemplation.

Saint Teresa of Avila described four degrees or stages of mystical union:

incomplete mystical union, or the prayer of quiet or supernatural recollection, when the action of God is not strong enough to prevent distractions, and the imagination still retains a certain liberty;
full or semi-ecstatic union, when the strength of the divine action keeps the person fully occupied but the senses continue to act, so that by making an effort, the person can cease from prayer;
ecstatic union, or ecstasy, when communications with the external world are severed or nearly so, and one can no longer at will move from that state; and
transforming or deifying union, or spiritual marriage (properly) of the soul with God.

Contemplative prayer in my opinion is nothing else than a close sharing between friends; it means taking time frequently to be alone with him who we know loves us.’ Contemplative prayer seeks him “whom my soul loves.” It is Jesus, and in him, the Father. We seek him, because to desire him is always the beginning of love, and we seek him in that pure faith which causes us to be born of him and to live in him. In this inner prayer we can still meditate, but our attention is fixed on the Lord himself.
St. Teresa of Avila

Stages of contemplative prayer by Dionysius the Pseudo-Areopagite:

Katharsis (purification)
Contemplation/theoria (illumination), also called “natural” or “acquired contemplation”
Unity (theosis), also called “infused” or “higher contemplation”; indwelling in God; vision of God; deification; union with God

My prayer for my children:

I pray for you LESS.

Self.

Stuff.

Negativity.

I pray you are GENEROUS.

With

Your time.

Your money.

Your love.

your joy.

I pray you TRUST.

even when others hurt you.

when you’re scared.

when you feel lost and alone.

I pray you are SEEN.

for what you do.

for how you love.

for who you are.

and try to see others for who they really are.

I pray you feel LOVED.

despite the cruelty and coldness of this world.

even when no one expresses gratitude.

FAIL spectacularly.

and get up again, and again, and again.

Learn from your failures.

The highest form of prayer is to stand silently in awe of God.
St. Isaac the Syrian.

I really like this Mystic Prayers page.

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What’s your favorite way to pray?

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Pentecost Decorations

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May 20, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Paul offers a theological and ontological foundation for human dignity and human flourishing that is inherent, universal, and indestructible by any evaluation of race, religion, gender, sexuality, nationality, class, education, or social position. He brings a deep new sense of the dignity of every human person, which of course is a social and political revolution and reveals the power of healthy religion. This is unheard of in history up to then—and unrealized even now!
The Acts account of Pentecost goes out of its way to emphasize that people from all over the world heard the Galileans speaking in the pilgrims’ individual languages after the descent of heavenly fire and wind (Acts 2:4-11). At least seventeen nations or groups are listed and “about three thousand persons” from these disparate groups were baptized and received the Holy Spirit that day (Acts 2:38-41). The message is clear: The Spirit of God is clearly and completely democratic, unmerited, and inclusive.
One of the reasons Paul’s teachings had so much influence in Asia Minor was that he restored human dignity at a time when perhaps four out of five people were slaves, women were considered the property of men, temple prostitution was a form of worship, and oppression and wholesale injustice toward the poor and the outsider were the universal norm. Into this corrupt and corrupting empire Paul shouts, “One and the same Spirit was given to us all to drink!” (1 Corinthians 12:13). Paul levels the playing field: “You, all of you, are sons and daughters of God, now clothed in Christ, where there is no distinction between male or female, Greek or Jew, slave or free, but all of you are one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:26-28).
This is quite amazing, considering the culture at the time! In Paul’s estimation, the old world was forever gone and the new world was born. This was impossible and frightening to some people, but utterly attractive and hopeful to the 95% who had little dignity or power in the societies of that time. Recent sociological studies say this explains Paul’s success in a relatively short time, apart from attributing it to the Holy Spirit. Who does not want to be told they are worthy and good?
No longer was the human body a cheap thing, degraded by slavery and abuse. Paul is saying, “You are the very temple of God.” This affirmation of dignity began to turn the whole Roman Empire around. When you read Paul’s teaching on sexuality (1 Corinthians 6:12-20), it really isn’t the moralistic purity code many of us were given. Paul is saying that your body has dignity, so you have a right to demand respect and give respect! Because of this understanding, a woman could claim her own dignity and refuse to give her body away to every man who wanted it. (This probably explains the early admiration of virginity in Christian circles.) A man was told to respect and take responsibility for his body-temple.
This is a positive and dignifying message, not a finger-shaking, moralistic one. It gives the ego appropriate and much needed boundaries. Unfortunately, this morphed into guilt-based boundaries and prohibitions, which seems to happen in most early-stage religion, since humans carry their natural shame in their bodies. We do not see this in either Jesus or Paul, even though we have projected it onto them.
Reference:
Adapted from Richard Rohr, an unpublished talk, February 2015, at the Center for Action and Contemplation.

I made an altarscape for our church for Pentecost Sunday.

I bought a fire silk and red flameless candles and sprinkled red silk rose petals on the altar.

I create a fiery hoop to symbolize the Holy Spirit roof holes of older times.

I printed a card to explain the history and symbolism (see below).

I sewed a red ribbon banner.

I bought a red linen fabric remnant and sewed different red and gold ribbons with bells at the bottom corners.

I added a couple other fun elements.

I got red rose floating candles and a glass bowl and propped it in our baptismal to symbolize a baptism of fire.

I got a flameless candle and Tabasco sauce to symbolize “tongues of fire.”

The Projects:

Fiery Hoop

We drained the hula hoop of water and placed bolts in 4 places to attach a chain.

I wrapped the hoop with gold ribbon.

We knotted tulle strips onto the hoop.

We used several glittery reds, one orange, 2 gold, and 1 glittery yellow.

Glitter was everywhere. It’s still everywhere.

We added curling ribbon in just a few places.

Here’s our almost finished fiery hole.

I added seven cardstock doves on clear thread.

We added the yellow and orange and hung it up in the narthex of our church with a cute little windchime in the middle.

The Banner:

I bought a red linen fabric remnant and several red and gold ribbons.

I cut the ribbons into 3 feet long segments and laid it all out to get an idea.

I hemmed three sides and left an opening for the banner pole and pinned the ribbons and tassels on.

I sewed the ribbon and tassels on by hand and hemmed the sides for the pole so it was neat and tidy.

I use my hair flat iron to even out the seams.

I added some extra tassels and little bells to the corners.

The projects were expensive, always more than I originally think, but the kids and I were blessed in the making and had lots of fun together while creating these and we pray it brightens our church and someone’s Sunday.

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We Stopped Going to Church

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May 10, 2017 By Jennifer Lambert 132 Comments

We haven’t gone to church in a long time.

We didn’t have a lot of choices for English-speaking churches in Germany.

There’s the military base chapel, which is pretty vanilla since they have to cater to a broad audience and abide by military rules.

There are a few charismatic churches that just don’t appeal to us.

There are a few very conservative churches that are legalistic and cliquish.

I don’t want a rock and roll, laser show kind of church and it’s unfortunate that so many rely on these churchtainment distractions to get people through their doors.

We had attended a small general Lutheran congregation for the past year or so. Service began at 8:30 in the morning. Do you realize how hard it is to get everyone up, eat breakfast, get dressed, and out the door to drive 20+ minutes to church by 8:30 AM? We did it though. We went to bed early on Saturday nights in order to get up early for church.

I loved walking in ancient cathedrals in Europe and oohing and aahing at the magnificent architecture, cold smell of well-worn stone, beautiful and sometimes funny statues, chapel nooks – the sacred. And occasionally, there would be a mass and I could sit in a corner and just observe worship. I even understood some of it – the Latin, French, Italian. I always love the organ music.

Americans and Protestants don’t appreciate the sacred.

We recently moved back to the States and I don’t have great hopes of finding a church where we’ll fit in.

Before writing this, I researched “Why Should I Attend Church“? Many of the answers were interesting and even shocking to me. I expect the typical “Because the Bible says so” answer, but “Because you’re single and may meet someone” takes the cake.

I expect more.

I won’t lose my salvation. I still love Jesus.

I realize many will think I’m selfish for not dragging my family to church.

I do feel selfish.

We missed Easter. But I don’t like how most American churches celebrate Easter.

After many years of trying to discover God in church, I’ve just had enough. I need a break.

I need a break from Christians.

I can worship God – in the forest, at the beach, in a museum, while reading, while cleaning, while cooking, during meals, at the movies, listening to my children.

I am amazed by His creation and by people’s creativity, love, and kindness.

I don’t like church.

I’m a leader. I’m a teacher. I’m a counselor. I’m a researcher.

It’s hard for me to just sit back and be lectured to, read to, talked at…It’s especially hard for me to keep my mouth shut when the pastor, teacher, deacon, elder, leader, board member expresses false doctrine. It’s exhausting holding it all in because it doesn’t seem to ever matter anyway.

As an introvert, I don’t like fellowship time, potlucks, events, programs, meetings, VBS, AWANA, or Wednesday night service. I shouldn’t have to apologize for my personal preferences. I’ve suffered for years so my family can participate and seem normal.

I think too many churches and church leaders allow and perpetuate abuse – of women, children, people of color, LGBTQ+, others on the fringe of society and the evangelical system.

It’s very unpopular to love Jesus and not attend church.

But I think faith is a private thing between me and God. I shouldn’t have to explain my reasons to anyone.

We stopped going to church for a variety of reasons:

Poor Leadership

The German American pastor moved away to another calling. The American interim pastor and his wife were less than welcoming. They are micromanagers. They are exclusionists of anybody who isn’t LCMS-conservative.

When we attended an American PCUSA church in Ohio, we quickly learned how they compromise and downplay the importance of social justice. They’re more about pew-warming, excluding outsiders, and pacifying their suburban elderly rich white congregation than doing God’s work.

I had concerns about the pastor how her marriage seemed abusive. Her spouse called her stupid and dummy. They perpetuated white supremacy in their belief that veganism would save the world as Biblical mandate, refusing to accept any traditional indigenous dietary habits, poverty and food scarcity issues, allergy restrictions, or anything that could refute their intellectual belief.

Moral Failure

My young son’s teenage Sunday school teacher was in a sexual relationship with his girlfriend and this was apparently well-known and accepted by his and her parents, the homeschool community, and other church members. I was glad when he and his family moved away so I didn’t have to confront anyone. I am not a prude, but I didn’t feel it was appropriate behavior for a teen church leader. It’s one thing for consenting adults to have an intimate relationship; it’s another for teens to be all over each other in the pews.

I have seen lots of abuse from adult church leaders swept under the rug. Embezzlement and sexual abuse…to gossip and bullying.

Don’t even get me started on the purity movement and Christian pseudo-psychology and abusive parenting practices.

Lack of Education and Discipleship

Sunday school wasn’t about Scripture or Christian living. It often took 30 minutes or more to corral people from the coffee and cookies into the three classrooms. There was no curricula. My three daughters’ teacher led inappropriate discussions about astrology and pop culture. The adult class often derailed into discussions better suited to the Discovery Channel or a New Age seminar. Most teachers go either legalistic or extremely liberal, no in-between.

Many churches forego Sunday school altogether or have children’s time during the regular service, showing that kids aren’t welcome in the main church.

I’ve seen Bible studies on Sunday evenings or weeknights – in the church or in members’ homes. Usually, I’m not fond of the books chosen. They’re often trite, focused on certain “problems” or by authors I find questionable.

“The growth of the evangelical church has been ocean-wide, but often puddle-deep.” ~Barry Cooper

Busyness

We only felt valued when we were run ragged.

The American church is not a place of rest, but a place of constant socializing, pew warming, greetings, fakeness.

Every time we visit a new church, we feel sized up by the pastors and leaders.

What do we have to offer? How can they drain us of our gifts, time, money, abilities?

My husband doesn’t know how to set any boundaries with this and he will serve, serve, serve and do, do, do to feel better about himself in his performance-based self-esteem.

The church is not a healthy place for people who just want to rest in God.

How, I wondered, had my life in Christ gotten reduced to so much busyness, so many words, such weighty expectations? How had I gotten this far in the spiritual life without anyone ever having told me that it was OK to stop talking and stop doing and just be in God’s presence? What was I to do with the pent-up longing and frustration that was now expressing itself in these unexpected tears?
There is nothing in Western culture or even in our religious subculture to support us in entering into these times for “unproductive” being rather than frenetic doing.
Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

No Community

No one wants to actually get their hands dirty. Everyone wants a happy clappy church with no negativity.

Everyone is certainly not welcome. You should absolutely not come as you are.

Just pray away mental illness. Just smile more. If you still have depression, you’re obviously not right with God. What is your secret sin? What did you do to deserve to be abused? What were you wearing? God allowed it for your personal faith walk and growth. Then they throw out a lot of Bible verses to back up their bad theology. This is all bullshit.

Don’t ask questions about church history, theology, scripture, leadership, church clarity, politics, or social justice. Don’t ask any questions at all. That rocks the boat and upsets people who are too comfortable in their rich white suburban evangelicalism.

Don’t express any new ideas. Don’t recommend a hymn that is too obscure for the settled congregation. Don’t try to incorporate any tradition or decoration that might offend someone who just wants to maintain the status quo of the vanilla one-hour Sunday service.

“We have turned church membership into country club membership.” ~Thom Rainer

I do miss organ music. I miss singing hymns. I miss the Eucharist. I miss stained glass windows.

What we do instead of church:

Read the Bible

I read the Bible with my son and middle daughters most mornings and we have a little discussion about the passage. I write Scripture every day with monthly themes.

Evening Devotions

We read liturgical selections from Psalms, the Old Testament, and the New Testament, with writings from church fathers every evening with the Pray Now app.

Church History

We have lots of books about church history. We love biographies about missionaries, martyrs, church fathers, and other important people impacted by their faith. We usually coincide our readings to our chronological history studies. It’s important to know.

Act Out Our Faith

We look for opportunities to act out our faith. We practice kindness, empathy, and love. We learn about creation. We pray. The church isn’t a building. We are the church.

Experience Creation

We enjoy God’s creation on nature walks. We are fascinated by the creative plants, insects, and animals that God made just for our use and enjoyment. We love the natural sciences and learn everything we can.

Church should be more about discipleship and less about programs and opportunities to socialize.

We as a family came to the decision to take a break from church after many weeks of prayer.

I am not encouraging anyone else to leave church for any reason.

We may seek a new fellowship after we move again. I seldom enjoy church, but I want my children to have that experience growing up that I never had. They are old enough to make that choice.

I no longer use the word Christian or evangelical. Those words just mean hate these days.

If you feel led to pray for me, be careful that you are not cursing me nor my decision in your heart. Maybe look at yourself and your church and ask why people don’t feel welcome. You may not agree but you should not judge what you don’t understand. You don’t know my history. You don’t know the long and difficult road it took for me to even love Jesus. You do not not know the blood-like drops of sweat as I prayed over this difficult decision. Do not take Scripture out of context. Do not spew your hate and call it loving admonition.

If you still feel led to pray, then pray this:

Pray for church leaders that they may be more including and welcoming. That they not be vanilla and safe but speak boldly the Truth and social justice and be inclusive of all.

Pray for pastors, Sunday school teachers, elders, deacons, lay leaders, ushers, music directors, worship leaders, pastoral counselors…and whatever other titles of a church leader I may have missed. Pray that they have discernment. Pray they preach and teach Biblical Truth. Pray they are not swayed by the world. Pray they are not tempted by money, fame, media, or other people.

Pray for church fellowships to be loving, kind, welcoming, inclusive, and careful with their words to newcomers and seasoned parishioners.

Pray for the parents who are raising children in this fallen world, trying desperately to navigate these tumultuous waters of postmodernism, sexual and gender revolutions, social media, integrity issues, and political scandals.

Pray for the children who are growing up in this 50 Shades of Grey kind of world, confusing sex and social media likes for Love and Truth. Pray they find godly role models to guide them to Truth and they become world-changers for His Kingdom.

Pray for everyone who was and is abused by Church.

Pray for women, people of color, and indigenous people who are excluded from white evangelical church. All missionaries are colonizers.

You might also want to read my statement of faith post. Here’s how I teach my kids religion.

An interesting article: A Quiet Exodus: Why Black Worshipers Are Leaving White Evangelical Churches

I can be spiritual and religions without attending a church.

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Why I Don’t Teach Purity

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July 6, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert 47 Comments

I don’t teach purity to my children.

I have three daughters and one son. Of course I want them to have healthy sexual values.

But some Christians aren’t even really sure what healthy sexual values should be.

I didn’t grow up with any moral compass. Appearances mattered more than my heart and soul. I made lots of mistakes.

I don’t think the Christian purity movement is the answer. I don’t think old-fashioned courting is the answer. I’m not fond of any of these terms or “spiritual movements.”

What is purity?

Free of dirt, pollutants, infectious agents, or other unwanted elements
Containing nothing inappropriate or extraneous
Having no moral failing or guilt

None of us is ever pure.

Children are often (and should be) innocent in the ways of the world, but eventually, the world seeps in despite all our parental efforts to protect.

I don’t want my children to grow up with no knowledge of the world, to fall into the trusting trap that all people are inherently good. I want them to be wise and have the ability to discern.

All sorts of dysfunction arise when you preach against something natural as bad and evil but offer no alternatives and don’t teach discernment.

Only Jesus is without sin.

To teach that we are ever pure is just wrong.

I teach my child that purity is found only through conforming our minds to Christ. I make sure they understand the central and biblical idea of purity and not just conforming outwardly to a spirtual idea without knowing why we should.

Most Christians say “purity,” but they really mean modesty and virginity.

And why isn’t there anything out there to teach BOYS modesty?

To teach we should remain untouched by the opposite sex until a pretty ceremony magically and suddenly removes an invisible cloak on our purity is just wrong.

And if we teach our kids that they are pure until they lose their virginity, what are they afterwards? Impure? That idea doesn’t go away just because a white dress ceremony happened.

Too many Christians I knew in my teens and youth stretched all the limits when it came to their “purity.” They would do everything and anything except go all the way. Even though I didn’t consider myself a Christian, they didn’t make any sense to me with their compromises. I was disgusted. Hot or cold, never lukewarm. Have some conviction.

Virtue is so much more than virginity. It should be a way of life. Modesty should be a mindset and it shouldn’t matter so much how long a hemline is or if shoulders show instead of how courteous and compassionate someone is.

In light of so much sexual misconduct and confusion in the media, I must address the purity topic with my family. My kids ask questions. They know the trends.

Teaching purity isn’t the answer.

I don’t want to set my children up for failure.

Since purity is an unreachable goal for man to pursue in his own strength, it doesn’t make sense to teach anyone can attain it. The purity movement doesn’t allow for failure, stumbles, or regret. It doesn’t teach grace or how to handle any social situations with the opposite sex.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

When we strive for an unreachable goal:

We feel less-than, hopeless, worthless.
We give up.
We become depressed.
We become stressed.
We think: what does it matter then?
We become frustrated.
We rebel.

Why I won’t teach my kids purity:

My teen has no desire for a “purity weekend.”

I know many parents with tweens or teens enjoy the purity weekend stuff. There’s a huge market for all sorts of books, DVDs, jewelry, and whatnot to the Christian population for purity talks.

I have ongoing conversations with my children about all sorts of hard topics and difficult issues.

My teen feels her behavior and values should stand alone, without outward symbols that could invite ridicule or uncomfortable questions from peers. She decided mostly on her own that it’s not the right time for dating now. Her friends all know and respect this.

We don’t feel the need to buy purity rings to symbolize virginity.

If she loses or damages the ring, what then?

If she makes mistakes and loses her “purity,” what then?

I want her to feel comfortable in her own skin, not constantly terrified of having an impure thought, word, or touch.

I want her to guard her heart as well as her body from harm.

It’s more than rules.

I don’t want to be just a rule enforcer with my kids. This is more about their hearts than their hemlines or how far they can go and still maintain their “purity.”

Drilling my kids in purity rules is legalism and doesn’t teach them anything useful. I could mandate when hand holding is appropriate, teach to never kiss a boy, and to refrain from any physical touch with someone of the opposite sex.

It will just instill a feeling of rebellion and create feelings of less-than.

I want them to follow the teachings of Christ, not some “spiritual movement.”

I’m concerned about the patriarchal fundamentalist stay-at-home-daughter cult ideals.

I’ve read a lot of this propaganda and it teaches that girls are only worthwhile and attractive when they are 110% to their fathers, brothers, pastors, and eventually to their husbands. It’s all about control.

I want more for my daughters.

Purity is an idol.

Too many Christians worship the idea of purity. Abstinence of all sexual ideas until marriage. They don’t even want to teach the science or facts to their children.

Ignorance isn’t bliss.

What if “purity” isn’t maintained?

What if a child is exposed to pornography?

What if a teen or youth stumbles?

It’s better to teach the ideas behind modesty and abstinence. Of course, kids need to know what the Bible says about relationships, sexual and otherwise.

I think the issue is about intimacy.

Intimacy:

having a very close relationship : very warm and friendly
very personal or private
involving sex or sexual relations

Children and teens should not seek to be intimate with another of the opposite sex. There is no reason for it. They don’t need practice dating. They should not be encouraged to have boyfriends or girlfriends while they are in middle school or high school. Children should not have private relationships. They need guidance from parents about how to navigate relationships. Intimate relationships very often lead to sexual relationships.

The purity idol doesn’t teach consent.

What if abuse, assault, rape occurs? Is that child no longer pure? What does that say to them as victims? This is just furthering rape culture that girls are “dirty” if they’ve been “ruined.”

What happens when a happy young couple does get married? Does that idea that sex is bad and dirty just magically lift?

I know many parents mean well by limiting music and movies and books with anything sexually tempting. But there is so much great literature and film out there. Instead of forbidding it, why not teach maturity and use it as a lesson? (And no, I’m not advocating 50 Shades of Grey!)

There are still rampant double standards out there:

It is not a mistake when women are compared to objects…
– Greener grass
– Flower that lost it’s petals
– Chewed gum
– Cow (“Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”)
– Fine china
– Precious cargo
…and men are the humans with agency in the scenario.
– The human gardener watering the grass
– The human plucking the petals
– The human chewing the gum
– The human buying/using the cow
– The human owning/placing the china
– The human protecting/carrying the cargo
This is an attack (though subtle) on the very humanity of girls.
~Ashley Easter

What will I teach my kids instead of purity?

The ultimate goal is healthy relationships…not just abstinence of all sexual relations until marriage. Our society scoffs that this is impossible. Certainly it is a difficult path, and most people would find a thirty-year-old virgin laughable. One argument would be to marry younger rather than later. Our culture expects teens to have sex, and certainly promotes sexual activity for college-age and young adults.

How can I equip my kids to protect good personal and moral values?

I will keep an open conversation.

The idea of abstinence until marriage is counter-cultural. The older my children get, the harder it will be on them to maintain those values in a culture that ridicules this “old-fashioned” idea and teaches its opposite, often as a double standard.

I want to be a sounding board, helping them to navigate social interactions and giving them tips to escape from uncomfortable advances, and avoiding difficult situations.

They need practical advice, from learning slang to inappropriate gestures and body language. If they’re clueless, they are potential victims.

I want to be here for my kids. I want to be the one to answer the hard questions.

How far is too far?

If they think it’s disgusting to see their parents or grandparents doing it, then that’s a good warning.

I want to be open-minded and I want my kids to talk to me about their relationships with friends and potential significant others.

What can they do if they’re in {whatever} situation?

Being up front and honest with people should prevent any misunderstanding. I hope that I’m just a phone call away to help if I’m needed.

Having a code word to alert to danger quickly so I can pick her up without explanation is a plan to implement soon.

Always sticking with a trusted friend for safety in numbers is another good idea.

Self defense lessons might be a goal.

I will point them to the Bible.

The Bible is clear that we are not to engage in sexual relationships outside of marriage. It has clear teachings on what marriage should be.

In light of recent events, marriage is a huge topic in the media, church, and in our household.

Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. Romans 13:13-14

We should honor God with our bodies: 1 Corinthians 6:12-20

It is better to marry than to burn with passion: 1 Corinthians 7:1-16

We must not indulge in sexual immorality as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in a single day. 1 Corinthians 10:8

Ephesians 5 has a great explanation of godly marriage.

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Colossians 3:5

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4

We discuss Scripture and how we can follow it despite what the world teaches. Yes, sometimes, it’s hard. Yes, there is opposition from even other lukewarm or liberal Christians.

The Bible shouldn’t be used as a weapon. I want my kids to hide its words in their hearts. We start very young, before they even understand what marriage, sex, or relationships are. We revisit the verses and concepts over and over, expanding on their teachings and meanings as they get older and understand more.

I will point out examples from history and society, both good and bad.

There are plenty of examples warning of the consequences of sexual sin in history, literature, movies, and our society.

I will never teach my kids that anyone is beyond hope.

Mistakes are made and anyone can be forgiven. We read of historical figures who made poor choices but redeemed their past with a 180* and learned the errors of their ways.

We discuss how the Holy Spirit and godly counsel can help us stay strong in our convictions and what to do if we stumble.

The media offers up lots of fodder for conversation and we discuss what’s going on with celebrities frankly. I have discussions with my kids about what’s popular.

I ask what they think and I share my views. Children don’t mince words. They know what’s right and wrong and that is typically absolute. The world compromises and deals in shades of gray.

We’ve also been discussing popular music a lot lately. Taylor Swift’s new songs have terrible messages for tweens and teens and I explain to my kids why her lyrics are bad. We also joke about most songs on the radio having to do with sex.

It gets more difficult when we grow up and are influenced by peers with different views, especially compromising Christians who have a foot on both sides of the line.

I will pray.

As a parent, I need to step up my prayer time the older my children get. They need more spiritual help as they become independent.

It’s very, very hard to maintain our convictions. It’s much more difficult for children with less life experience to stand firm in their beliefs.

I will pray for my kids to have strength.

I will pray for their friends and relationships. I will pray they will be good influences. I will pray my kids are good examples to others.

I will pray for their safety.

I will pray for their spiritual growth. I will pray they can stay busy learning and growing in Christ.

I will pray for their success as adults, that they will discover their talents and gifts and hone them and use them for the good of society and to the glory of God.

I will pray for future spouses.

I will pray for their hearts to be protected from false or damaging or broken relationships. Dating and intimate relationships for young adults (for anyone!) can be treacherous to hearts and minds.

Anyone can have physical sex. Yes, there can be physical consequences. The emotional scars and psychological trauma from casual relationships can often be worse than any physical effects.

The language of the purity movement concerns me.

I’m sure there are many fine couples who successfully maneuvered the purity movement and are happily married.

I don’t want to take my chances with the potential negatives I see.

I want to teach my kids a better way.

I want them to be safe and have healthy relationships – emotionally and physically. I want them to grow up and enjoy everything that a godly marriage has to offer.

Another good article: Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed

Linking up: Burlap and Babies, A Life in Balance, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, Rich Faith Rising, The Modest Mom Blog, Time-Warp Wife, Hip Homeschooling, The Stay at Home Mom Survival Guide, True Aim Education, Moms Morning Coffee, Holly Gerth, Wondermom Wannabe, Wife Mom Geek, Adventures of Mel, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, Happy and Blessed Home, The Jenny Evolution, Imparting Grace, xoxo Rebecca, Frog’s Lilypad, Hip Homeschooling, Mommy Crusader, My Life Abundant

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Reasons Why People Become Loyal to a Place of Worship

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January 13, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Generally, someone who is a regular attendee of a particular church has several reasons why he or she returns to the same place of worship each week. One of the most common reasons is that the person feels comfortable. He or she feels welcome there and that makes it a pleasant place to worship. The church or other place of worship may not be large or have a lot of elaborate decorations, but it possesses an inviting atmosphere. Whether it’s a simple chapel, an annex building or an expansive auditorium, it’s the tone of the atmosphere that matters. Take a look at some other typical reasons why a person returns to the same place of worship each week.

Worshippers Who Share Beliefs

Many people are loyal to one place of worship because they like spending time with others who share their own beliefs. It’s not likely that everyone in a place of worship shares exactly the same thinking, but they share the same fundamental beliefs. This can be very appealing to those who like to have discussions about faith and ask questions about the experiences of others.

A Relaxed Atmosphere

Most people return to a place of worship because they feel at ease there. For instance, they don’t feel like they are being pressured to think a certain way. Instead, they are invited to listen to the sermon or the lesson to make their own decisions about it. They freely believe what they want to. One example of a person who creates a relaxed atmosphere for attendees is Ed Young, Jr.

Friendly Worshippers

People who encounter friendly people at a place of worship are likely to return each week. They may be unsure about attending a service, but find that they feel at ease due to the greetings they get from fellow attendees. Sometimes churches put volunteers at the entrances so every person will receive a greeting as they enter. This helps people who are uncertain about the place to know they are always welcome.

The Choice to Give Money

Another reason why people attend a particular place of worship is because they don’t feel pressured to make a financial offering every week. They can make one if they’d like to support a certain undertaking or project, but they don’t feel that they will be looked down upon if they don’t contribute an offering each week. In fact, many people attend a place of worship for several weeks before they decide to make a financial offering on a regular basis. They want to see the sort of work that is done by the place of worship before they put aside a portion of their income to donate.

Finally, most people stick with a place of worship that offers activities that are appealing to them. For instance, they may love the weekly dinners hosted by their church or perhaps there is a particular discussion group they like to attend. Some churches arrange for bus tours to historical places or host vacation Bible school for young children. Many people look at the activities offered by a church to get a feel for what they can get involved in.

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Learning to Worship

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July 14, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 2 Comments

I don’t like church.

I didn’t grow up in church.

Some people have expressed to me that they didn’t know I didn’t grow up in church. Does that point to my complacency like many other born-into-church Christians I know? If so, I want to stand out differently.

Most churches make me uncomfortable and I don’t understand all the Christianese and acceptable appearance and behavior. Lots of churches say they accept sinners of all sorts but they really don’t. They stare at the newcomers who don’t have on the suit and tie or a dress that covers well.

I have friends from all sorts of religious backgrounds: Orthodox Jewish, Messianic, Catholic, Pentecostal, Baptist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, LDS, Islam, and all over the spectrum.

Each denomination has its prescribed recommendations of what is acceptable for its members.

Liz has attended so many different kinds of churches, she doesn’t know which doctrine to subscribe to. I have dragged her to numerous churches: non-denominational, Church of God, Assembly of God, Lutheran, fundamental independent Baptist, Presbyterian. I even attended a Church of Christ once, but it was confusing to me that it traveled to a new venue each week. Too stressful to have to remember where to go.

I attended a church for years that had brochures in the lobby that listed Scripture to define appropriate clothing choices for Christians. I was anxious and stressed every time I stepped foot in that place. Were my shirt sleeves covering my shoulders completely? Was my skirt hem well below my knees even when I sat down? And were Liz and my toddler girls dressed that “right” way too? It was exhausting.

Church shouldn’t cause unnecessary anxiety and stress. We should feel convicted from the Holy Spirit, not other Christians.

I just want to love Jesus and my neighbor. I don’t particularly want to throw my hands in the air like I just don’t care or holler unintelligible phrases in front of people. I don’t want to fall asleep from a worship order that never changes or leaves room for the Spirit either. I just want to sing pretty music and pray and see people who smile with their eyes and their lips.

I don’t just want an emotional experience or entertainment each week. I want solid Biblical teaching without bigotry or prejudice. I’ve been to churches that didn’t accept brown people or men with long hair or jewelry.

One fundamentalist mom I knew years ago almost strangled her young son yanking a toy from around his neck when he called it a “necklace.” She informed me after I witnessed this horrific scene that males don’t wear jewelry and she homeschooled every other year so he wouldn’t turn gay from being home with his sister.

Jesus.

I don’t rely on a church to educate my children. It’s not a school’s job to teach my kids; it’s also not a church’s job to instill character and spiritual development. Ultimately, I am responsible to teach my kids all that and more.

Lately, I’ve noticed people commenting that they yearn for Jesus to return soon. Rather than sit on our hands, feigning helplessness, It’s a nice sentiment. Sure, the world can be ugly, but we can shine a little beauty. Why can’t we love others more? Help others more?

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31 Days of Servant Leadership: The Purpose of Church

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October 22, 2013 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

Why should we go to church? Can’t we worship God just as well while admiring His creation?

Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. Romans 14:1a The Message

Honor God. Be gracious to others. We’re only accountable to God.

Be grateful in all things.

Lately, we’ve struggled at our church over programs. We haven’t had a youth group for over a year. Many members of our congregation feel like they need to advise me regarding Elizabeth, since she’s the only child who attends our church regularly who would be youth age.

I am not concerned. Remember that whole adolescent myth?

Many have left our church over doctrinal differences, lack of activities and programs, and church decisions.

The Bible states the only reason to cause a break in the church is if there is false teaching. Yet we’ve had several members who have verbally attacked members of leadership and staff. And I don’t think it was about anything other than personal differences. And then they got real mature and unfriended each other on Facebook.

I’ve always longed to belong, but after years of searching and yearning and crying over loneliness, I realize that I am transient. We are all transient. We are meant to be temporary, visitors, strangers in a strange land. Some of us are nomads in this life, waiting to go home. Others, less fortunate by far, feel at home in their stifling, breath-less togetherness, not realizing there is something better to hope for.

My parents won’t and my husband’s parents didn’t attend church. They say things like “I can talk to God easier and better in my own house, in the woods, in the fields, (insert your own place here) than in a cold building with hypocrites.

We’ve all been hurt by people. Some of us have even been spiritually abused. But we are commanded to gather together in Jesus’ name and worship and fellowship together.

Assemble the people—men, women and children, and the foreigners residing in your towns—so they can listen and learn to fear the Lord your God and follow carefully all the words of this law. Deuteronomy 31:12

If you’re not involved in a church congregation, you’re a crippled Christian. You’re practicing spiritual masturbation. {Tweet this!}

The word ecclesia is in the Bible: 20 times in Acts and 60 times in the epistles. It means “church.” Don’t you think church is important?

The church has five purposes:

1. Edify – discipleship

2. Encourage – fellowship

3. Equip – service

4. Evangelize – outreach

5. Exalt – worship

In too many American churches, the pastor does all five of these. Jesus is the only man who was capable of doing these five jobs well.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25

We as an individual must step up and become the Body of Christ. Teach your children what it means to be a Christian in a church congregation and go into all the world.

I recommend the book Church Zero to learn more about the Acts church and how we can bring it back.

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Confirmation

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June 4, 2012 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Elizabeth got confirmed last Sunday and I wanted to share! This is in the tradition of a Bat Mitzvah. But, she’s only 11! Elizabeth is now an adult in the eyes of the church, and a voting member. I am so proud.

It was a busy weekend: Pentecost Sunday, Memorial Day, and Dad had to work the air show at base so he wasn’t available! And it rained all weekend. I was in charge of our church brunch. Stress!

Look how grow-up she looks! We had to get a new dress since she has recently outgrown EVERYTHING! She had no red!

Her lovely mentors. Pastor joked that Liz is such a handful she needed TWO mentors. haha

The confirmation ceremony. Pastor recommended her for youth elder. Awesome. I loved hearing Pastor and her mentors praise her accomplishments and intelligence. Proud mama!

Her mentors got Liz a lovely cross necklace.

It was a wonderful morning.

But, I was exhausted when we got home from rushing around and making sure the kids were ready and the food was prepared and laid out pretty. whew!

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