Do you find yourself saying sorry all the time?

Do you feel guilty, ashamed, or blamed for things beyond your control?

Research shows women apologize more frequently than men.

Saying sorry all the time can be a sign of anxiety, OCD, or abuse.

Saying sorry too often affects our relationships.

Girls constantly receive mixed messages:

• Be confident, but not conceited
• Be smart, but no one likes a know-it-all
• Ambition is good, but trying too hard is bad
• Be assertive, but only if it doesn’t upset anyone else

What are we teaching our children (and especially our daughters) when we say sorry all the time?

When an apology is warranted, of course it should be offered, but acting a victim and saying sorry for instances outside our control isn’t healthy.

There’s a big difference between a real apology and just saying sorry.

I am raising servant leaders and precision of language is important. We’re respectful but unapologetic when we express our needs.

I don’t want my kids to feel they have to be sorry for being who they are.

Stop Saying Sorry…

Stop saying sorry for emotions.

Don’t say sorry for being sensitive, emotional, or passionate.

Stop saying sorry for getting angry.

Stop saying sorry about asking for help.

Stop saying sorry about speaking your mind.

Stop saying sorry for your past.

Stop saying sorry for telling the truth.

Stop saying sorry for being successful.

Feel.

Love.

Emote.

Express.

Be emotionally intelligent.

Stop saying sorry at home.

My house is messy and I won’t be sorry for it since we live here – all day, every day.

I don’t say sorry for asking my spouse or kids to contribute to our household care and cleaning.

I changed my language to be assertive and express my needs.

I am polite but firm when I request the dishwasher unloaded or laundry put away. I can’t and won’t do it all when we all must work together for a smooth-running household.

I stopped saying sorry for needing “me time.” Self-care is important and as an introvert, I need more alone time than the rest of my family members.

Stop saying sorry at church.

Sorry seems to be a very churchy word.

It doesn’t have to be. Change the narrative.

Empathize without using the word sorry.

When we hear bad news, we often automatically say, “I’m sorry.” We express sorrow and sympathy the way we have been conditioned. But we could use better precision of language than saying sorry for things totally beyond our control. When people confide bad news, by all means I sympathize and empathize, but I don’t have to apologize for it unless it is truly my fault.

I can tell someone that I understand (if I really do.) I can say, “That’s unfortunate.” or “That sucks.” Most people don’t want advice or to hear if I’m sorry; they just want me to listen.

When people ask me for something I can’t or don’t want to do, I don’t have to say a sorry no. No means no. I don’t have to offer an apology or explanation. I protect myself and my time.

Stop saying sorry socially.

As a large homeschooling family, we could do so many activities and attend so many field trips and classes, and get so over-involved – and never be home.

No means no. I am very careful about our time and how much we’re involved in. I say no often and unapologetically. I don’t have to offer reasons to anyone.

It’s easier to say no and change to a yes later than the other way around. People don’t handle disappointment well.

When my kids have a scheduling conflict, we all have to compromise. Someone has to arrive early or get picked up late so we all get to where we need to be.

Stop saying sorry at work.

Stop saying sorry for taking time to respond or to do a job well.

Stop saying sorry, even if you’re at fault for a mistake. Use better and more positive language.

I found myself saying “sorry” a lot, even for small errors or something that was completely out of my control, so turning regret into gratitude really helps. Not to mention keeps everything professional, neutral, and not off emotion. ~Maya

Alternatives to Saying Sorry at Work:

• Thanks for flagging!
• Good catch! I will make the updates/changes.
• Many thanks for noticing the error, [name], we will [verb].
• Thank you for bringing this to our attention. We will [verb].
• Thank you for clarifying.
• Thanks for the nudge! (If you missed a previous email)
• We appreciate your inputs; moving forward, we will [verb].
• Thank you for your feedback; we will incorporate this into our process.

I used to get all prickly and sweaty and my stomach was in knots when I got emails citing any mistake, even if it wasn’t my fault. I recently tried this out in work emails a couple times and it worked like a charm! I feel more in control and not at all anxious. And I got lovely “thank you” replies from my colleagues.

And never, ever say sorry for asking for payment for your work. Bloggers, artists, and other creators should be compensated for their time and work.

Don’t make the kids say they’re sorry.

We’ve all been there. Maybe we’ve done this.

Kids do something thoughtless or even mean.

We expect them to be and say “sorry.” We want to teach manners and social acceptance.

Making kids say they’re sorry doesn’t teach them anything.

Making kids say they’re sorry is more about us than them.

What to do instead of making kids say they’re sorry?

• Role model.
• Affirm feelings.
• Offer choices.
• Let them work it out on their own.

Kids often empathize better than adults can. We can learn from them!

Sorry is an overused word and doesn’t even mean what it should most of the time.

I’m a firm believer of saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

How often do you say sorry when you don’t have to?

It seems that lots of people say sorry, but they really mean “sorry, not sorry.” It’s like a bad joke, but so many people don’t know how to properly apologize. Or they don’t want to or care to make amends in their relationships. That’s just selfish.They blame others. They don’t accept responsibility for doing anything wrong. They actually blame their victims. There’s a lack of empathy.

Victims can’t accept a flippant “sorry” when they need a heartfelt apology.

And the accusers wonder why everyone is so angry.

We seem to live in a society of anger and unforgiveness. There’s little empathy.

Nobody is perfect. We make mistakes. We act stupid. We say dumb things in mean ways.

We need healthy relationships to be happy and that means we apologize when we do wrong and make amends.

Too many of us never learned how to apologize.

We would screw up and our parents or teachers or whatever authority would threaten us and make us say, “Sorry.” It didn’t matter if we meant it. As long as we said it, there were few or no consequences.

So we never learned how to apologize. We never learned the difference between sorry and a real apology. We didn’t learn well enough the concepts of empathy or right from wrong. We might not have learned self-control. We might not have learned cause and effect.

We struggle or fail in our relationships now.

But there are consequences. Eventually, the heart hardens and realizes sorry isn’t good enough.

Broken promises, lying, cheating, the cycles of abuse…

Our society has become numb to sorry.

What is sorry?

Feeling distress, compassion, regret, penitence, guilt, sympathy, pity.

“I’m sorry” is only appropriate when no one is really at fault and there aren’t any reparations.

We say it when we accidentally brush up against someone in a crowded store. We say it when we arrive a few minutes late. “Sorry, please excuse me.”

We also say it to express empathy when something bad has happened and there are no other words that make sense: “I’m sorry for your loss.”

We say it when we didn’t hear or understand: “Sorry, could you repeat that?”

What is an apology?

It’s a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

It’s more than just saying “I’m sorry.”

It’s more than regret over getting caught doing something wrong.

It’s realizing there was an offense.

It’s recognizing guilt, repenting, and expressing grief over the affront to another.

An object lesson:

Throw a dish to the ground.

Did it break?

Now, tell it you’re sorry.

Is it the same as it was?

Do you understand now?

Don’t make the kids say they’re sorry.

We’ve all been there. Maybe we’ve done this.

Kids do something thoughtless or even mean.

We expect them to be and say “sorry.” We want to teach manners and social acceptance.

Making kids say they’re sorry doesn’t teach them anything.

Making kids say they’re sorry is more about us than them.

What to do instead of making kids say they’re sorry?

• Role model.
• Affirm feelings.
• Offer choices.
• Let them work it out on their own.

How to apologize:

A real apology shows remorse, accepts responsibility, expresses empathy, asks forgiveness, and makes reparation.

Accidents happen. We speak harshly. We hurt those we love most. We forget important events. We are too often thoughtless.

Apologizing sincerely and completely helps to show how important relationships are to us and helps us to heal our hurts and prevent new harm.

Remorse

This is regret over a wrongdoing. It’s the first step in an apology. It’s more than just a quick “I’m sorry” and wanting to hurriedly move on.

Too many never get to the other stages of apology, remaining stuck here and getting angry at the victim for being upset for desiring more closure.

Responsibility

The apologizer must accept responsibility for a wrong committed. A victim must hear and understand the sincerity of the person expressing fault. It’s never comfortable, but it is very necessary.

Empathy

This is expressing understanding of another’s feelings. To realize that the victim is hurt by one’s actions or words is an important step in a real apology. Many scoff at apologies, using sarcasm or gaslighting techniques to minimize feelings and reactions. This is harmful and shatters relationships.

Forgiveness

It’s important to forgive to complete the closure process when one is hurt. This is seldom an instant feeling or action. A victim must feel safe and realize the sincerity of the apologizer not to repeat the words or actions. Sometimes, praying together helps healing.

Reparation

Sometimes, there is nothing that can make it right. Words can’t be taken back. Actions remain a vivid memory. True repentance is important. It’s more than flowers and chocolates to get out of the doghouse. It takes lots of work – daily, hourly, every minute – showing love and desire to heal relationships.

A genuine apology should say: “I realize and regret that I did or said {this} wrong. I validate your feelings about it. I won’t do it again. Please forgive me. How can I make it right?”

A great way to remember how to apologize is the PANDA method.

The best apology is changed behavior.