Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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12 Bullying Warning Signs

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July 16, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

When kids head back to school these days they face some big stressors in addition to homework grades and peer pressure.

Concerns about bullying and its relationship to school violence add another layer of stress.

More than 43% of teens report being bullied online; additionally, teens are more than twice as likely to tell their peers about bullying than they are to tell parents or other adults, one study found.

Victims of bullying and other early trauma often carry emotional scars into adulthood, Dr. Nelson, author of the bestselling book The Emotion Code explains in this short video.

12 bullying warning signs parents should watch for:

  • Emotional upset, anxiety, and depression.
  • Frequent headaches and stomach aches.
  • Faking illness.
  • Unexplainable injuries.
  • Changes in eating habits.
  • Poor sleep / frequent nightmares.
  • A drop in school performance.
  • Not wanting to go to school.
  • Sudden loss of friends.
  • Avoidance of social situations.
  • Low self-esteem.
  • Self-destructive behaviors including self-harm, running away, or talking about suicide.

If you were bullied when you were younger, the reason you freeze at genuine compliments is because fake compliments were a prelude to an attack.

Many kids who are victimized by bullying don’t ask for help because they are afraid of being seen as weak or a tattletale, or fear backlash from the bully or rejection by friends. As a result, parents are often the last ones to know.

Take necessary action with the school and/or the bullies’ parents to assure the child’s safety. Help the child to know that he or she is valued and that it is safe to communicate with you as a parent or a counselor.

Dr. Nelson explains why some kids become bullies and others can become targets of bullying. He can share how parents can talk with their children to uncover and heal the emotional trauma of bullying, as well as other steps and when to take them.

A holistic Chiropractic Physician and Medical Intuitive, Dr. Bradley Nelson is one of the world’s foremost experts in the emerging fields of Bioenergetic Medicine and Energy Psychology. He has certified thousands of practitioners worldwide in helping people overcome unresolved anger, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and other negative emotions and their associated physical symptoms. His bestselling book The Emotion Code provides step-by-step instructions for working with the body’s healing power. Download a free copy of the eBook and the audiobook by visiting www.EmotionCodeGift.com.

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: antibullying, mental health, teen

5 Ways For Parents To Empower Daughters In An Unkind World

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May 23, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

While opportunities for women have advanced significantly in recent decades, studies reflect that the path to personal independence and growth isn’t always smooth – starting in early childhood up through high school.

Gender stereotypes persist.

According to a survey of 1,900 girls and young women between 7 and 21, conducted by the charity Girlguiding, many feel that pressure from social media, TV, friends, teachers and parents affects how they think and act. Another study in the Journal of Adolescent Health reported that stereotypes of girls were reinforced by schools, parents and the media, thereby limiting their mobility and access to opportunities.

One possible answer, says mentor and author Sheri Engler, is for parents to empower their daughters from a young age.

“We parents need to take the necessary time from our busy lives to find out what our daughters are experiencing on a daily basis,” says Engler.

“We must break down barriers to success early on. Otherwise, girls frequently surrender their ‘surplus’ qualities before they even leave grade school, because they feel they won’t be accepted if they are ‘too much.’ They are not allowed too many gifts for fear of alienating boys and competing with other girls. This has to stop.”

Five ways parents can empower their daughters and help them grow into strong, successful women:

Explain the social dynamic.

Help them understand the reasons why boys may be intimidated by powerful girls, and why girls may become jealous and pull down a girl who has too much.

Help them avoid social programming.

Most forms of mass media “bombard girls with destructive messages.” With character development so important, parents need to offer more positive influences. Discouraging Facebook is a good place to start due to its entrainment of a ‘me-oriented’ society.

Provide social alternatives.

Connecting with other parents and families who hold similar values is one option. Perhaps consider online or home schooling if your child is being affected by negative conditioning from peers and/or misguided authority figures. Parents need to find out what’s really going on with their daughters, both at home and at school. Sadly, damaging messages come from every direction.

Teach them to help others.

Parents can role-model strengthening values. These values could be exemplified by going together to volunteer in soup kitchens, to foster homeless animals, or to visit lonely, old people in nursing homes. Learning compassion for others supports strong self-esteem through character building.

Help them identify their unique desires and abilities.

Encourage pride in being who they are on an authentic level. Help them experience life’s many aspects so they may explore their natural abilities and interests, while paying particular attention to what truly brings them joy – because that is usually where their authentic selves reside.

We need to prevent damage early on, instead of trying to fix it after it’s too late.

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Filed Under: Family Tagged With: antibullying

Is Your Child a Bully?

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January 14, 2016 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

Bullying is a hot word these days.

Many schools and organizations have a zero-tolerance policy.

Parents are sure quick to complain if they even think their child is a victim of bullying.

What is bullying?

is it bullying

Bullying behavior must be aggressive and include:

  • An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
  • Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

3 Types of Bullying

1. Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things and includes:

  • Teasing
  • Name-calling
  • Inappropriate sexual comments
  • Taunting
  • Threatening to cause harm

2. Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships and includes:

  • Leaving someone out on purpose
  • Telling other children not to be friends with someone
  • Spreading rumors about someone
  • Embarrassing someone in public

3. Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions and includes:

  • Hitting/kicking/pinching
  • Spitting
  • Tripping/pushing
  • Taking or breaking someone’s things
  • Making mean or rude hand gestures

See more at StopBullying.org.

What About Special Needs?

I have a friend with a young son who has Down Syndrome.

Her son is 5 years old.

A lot of young boys are a little rough and don’t always understand personal space.

A child in his kindergarten class got scratched – but did that mom really need to file a bullying complaint?

That mom will soon be crying about safe zones and micro-aggression for her fragile little snowflake.

Moms with special needs kids have to educate others. Many of these children are highly sensitive and need some extra attention.

It’s a sad world we live in when ignorant people accuse and file official complaints instead of talking it out and working together.

It’s not bullying when playtime gets a little rambunctious.

What if your child is a bully?

What If My Child is a Bully?

I’m not one of those moms who believes my children can do no wrong.

I’m not quick to believe their every word.

I don’t jump in to solve issues for their every complaint.

I won’t charge in when they shed a tear and accuse someone of being mean.

I listen. I ask questions. I seek to find out the truth about a situation.

I try to be diligent to teach my kids kindness and courtesy. If there is a lapse in judgment, I strive to correct it as soon as possible. I encourage my child to make amends: apologize and forgive.

No one wants to be that mom whose kid is a bully.

Are you raising a bratty kid? Don’t be a spineless parent.

Know your child.

Keep an open conversation about appropriate and inappropriate behaviors with your children.

Bullies are hurting and angry. Learn why. And do something about it.

Warning Signs:

  • Change in behavior: withdrawal from social activities, hypersensitivity, avoidance of a certain individual
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Eating changes
  • Lack of interest in appearance or hygiene

What NOT To Do:

Accuse. It’s better to listen than to immediately pass judgment. Learn all sides to the situation before taking any action.

Punish. The situation has already caused pain to all involved. Further punishment won’t help and it could make things worse.

Ignore. This won’t go away by pretending it didn’t happen. It could escalate.

What To Do:

Calmly discuss the matter with adults who witnessed the encounter – parents, teachers, coaches. Request a meeting to find out the truth.

Keep records of meetings, texts, emails, phone calls.

Make amends. Apologize and forgive. Reconcile.

Talk with your children to make sure they understand appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

Pray.

Avoid families who see nothing wrong with their bullying or mean words and actions.

Get counseling.

Our Bullying Story

As homeschoolers, we often think we’re immune to things like bullying.

My teen daughter was accused of being a bully.

My first reaction?

She certainly has the potential.

She’s aggressive. She’s impulsive. She’s a natural leader.

I’m not delusional to think my children are perfect angels. I know all kids have the potential to be mean.

I wanted facts.

I received a late-night Facebook Messenger text from a mom in our homeschool community.

This mom told me there had been an incident earlier that evening at a drama practice where my teen daughter had hit and kicked her teen son and then he pushed my daughter in self-defense.

My daughter told me a different story. Quite a few others corroborated with my daughter’s story – both teens and adults.

It turned into a ridiculous “he said; she said” situation.

I requested to meet with all parties involved to get to the bottom of it and get it settled.

Then it turned ugly.

I usually drop my daughter off at her play practices. I’m not a helicopter parent. I encourage my kids to be independent. I don’t think a 15-year-old needs a mom constantly hovering or watching. But, that next evening, I stood in the theatre, waiting for the mom and theatre director to arrive for our discussion.

The boy’s mother breezed in and called over her shoulder to me as she passed by that the situation was handled and her son would have no further contact with my daughter. She went to sit as far away from me as possible during rehearsal. I was taken aback by her flippant manner. This was not handled.

The director didn’t have time to speak with me. He tried to ignore me, but his hands were shaking.

I wasn’t prepared for the confrontation that followed.

Her dismissal didn’t sit well with me since the stories about the incident were so very different…and there was no accountability or apology or anything? I needed closure.

During a rehearsal break, I walked over to speak to the mom, explaining I needed more than her comment. We needed to find out the truth about the night before.

She had apparently called the director with their side of the story earlier that day. She said there was nothing more to discuss. Her son and my daughter would have no further contact.

But they have rehearsals together several days per week and then performances every weekend for two months. How could they have no contact?

The theatre director slunk up into the seats and leaned behind us, listening. So, he witnessed the discussion, which he later denied any knowledge about via email.

I started to speak again, but she interrupted me.

She claimed my daughter had “bullied her son for over six months, ruining his life.”

I was shocked. Why was I just now hearing of this? What kind of parent lets something unpleasant continue for six months and says or does nothing about it? I would’ve dealt with it!

When I asked for specifics, they could remember none. When I pressed, they could remember nothing at any of the events our families had attended together for the past year – a Valentine’s Day party, an art fair, a geography fair, the homeschool graduation ceremony. Nothing.

The best accusation they had was that my daughter pulled her son’s arm along with several other teens onto the dance floor at the homeschool graduation. She claimed he had bruises from it. I later questioned one of the other moms who attended that graduation event if my daughter had misbehaved or acted anything out of sorts and she said no. So, it was just normal silliness.

The whole conversation was surreal. When I asked for clarification about the incident backstage the night before, she informed me that the two would just have no further contact and the discussion was over. She wouldn’t even look at me.

I then asked her son if he had anything to say. He had sat through the meeting, aloof beside his mother, eating a sandwich, as if he didn’t hear anything of our discussion. He’s not little.

He burst into tears and said my daughter “hurt him and he had bruises. He was scared of her. She had ruined his life for six months.”

I turned to my daughter with raised eyebrows at what they had said and she just automatically apologized out of habit – but didn’t admit to ever touching or bothering him.

I really just couldn’t imagine this fantasy the boy and his mother created for themselves that he had been bullied by my daughter. They had no evidence.

I wanted to make amends. I wanted truth. I wanted to reconcile the relationship.

His mother said they were just children and could not be held responsible for their actions.

It’s not like these are 5 year olds on the playground, throwing sand or wood chips. Teenagers are NOT CHILDREN.

This attitude of no responsibility is everything that is wrong with our society.

There was never an admission of any wrongdoing on their part, no apology…only half-truths, straight out lies, and avoidance of facts. Very weird behavior.

She told me, I was “the only one with the problem, to let it go.”

I realized nothing I said would matter to these people.

The theatre director offered no help to me, no protection for my daughter from this sociopathic family who lied and cried crocodile tears. He turned a blind eye rather than disrupt his production. Apparently, he considered a verbal reprimand enough to “solve” the problem. Emails remain unanswered. He even lied to my husband in the single email reply that he had heard nothing of any incidents regarding my daughter or any of the other teens.

There have been other incidents. The boy texted a mutual friend, threatening her to unfriend my daughter on social media and in person. He acts as if he doesn’t understand why the girls avoid him.

He claims: “I can get anyone to do what I want and they always believe me.”

He still teases and corners my daughter and other girls backstage at rehearsals. He makes sure there are no adult witnesses. There are no consequences. He has supposedly been reprimanded multiple times for inapproprite behavior during rehearsals. I learned there had been similar issues during another stage production a few months ago. I also learned another homeschool family had similar problems with this boy with his mother refusing to admit any wrongdoing.

This incident has been a great, if unfortunate, teaching tool for my daughter. I worry if the boy were older or bigger what he might attempt.

But we are now ostracized from our homeschool community.

We are not trusted. We are not included. We are not contacted or tagged on social media for events.

We are forgotten.

People I thought were my friends have disappeared, looking askance at us, whispering behind hands, even outright asking us what did we do to deserve the ire, anger, and problems? We do not feel welcome at clubs, playdates, parties, homeschool events, classes, field trips, or gym days.

We do no favors to our children or others by ignoring bad behavior. If my children are mean, provoked or not, I desire to make amends as soon as possible. I can’t imagine what kind of adults unchecked bullies will grow up to be.

If you were bullied when you were younger, the reason you freeze at genuine compliments is because fake compliments were a prelude to an attack.


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When Mean Girls Grow Up

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April 29, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert 13 Comments

I think all of us have some bullying incident in our past.

It’s unfortunate, but it’s come to be believed that it’s a rite of passage to adulthood. Literature and films focus on bullying as formative events in a youth’s life.

Schools claim a “no tolerance” rule. But the authorities can’t possibly know all the clever bullying tactics that occur. Bullies know when their target is alone and that their victim has no power.

Even though we homeschool, we have encountered bullies at homeschool activities or at public parks.

Children who were bullies grow up to be adults who are bullies.

They might be more clever in their tactics, but they’re still bullies.

Mean girls grow up to be mean women.

When Mean Girls Grow Up

In seventh grade, I was terrorized by one popular girl.

My particular bully was named Lauren.

For whatever reason, Lauren targeted me for months.

I remember she was in at least two of my classes – math and chorus. I already hated math, and she made chorus difficult to enjoy.

She publicly ridiculed me.

She criticized my hair and clothes.

She threatened me.

She informed me that I should not wear a particular shirt to school ever again. (I did anyway.)

She made fun of my voice and that I didn’t get a solo for the chorus concert.

She encouraged her gang of girls to make fun of me and laugh at me.

She stole my house key out of my purse during math class.

My classmates and parents and teachers and school administrators?

They did nothing.

Her mother was a State Representative.

I walked home from the bus stop and sat on my front stoop until my parents got home from work for a whole week until she decided to give me back my house key.

It was just a game to her.

So, what did I learn at the age of thirteen from being bullied?

That the authorities would not protect me.

People with money or powerful connections get away with crimes and injustices.

I was all alone.

Lauren eventually found another target and left me alone.

We attended different high schools.

But I never forgot.

I’ve encountered many bullies as an adult.

Parents who didn’t like the grades their children earned in my class.

Principals who changed grades for students whose parents had political power in the district.

Officers’ wives who threw their husband’s rank around like it should strike fear in me if I didn’t acquiesce to their every whim.

Parents and teachers who set arbitrary rules to exclude the kids they don’t want joining the activity.

Moms who won’t parent their child and feel angry that I refuse to let my kids associate with the child. I wrote about a particular mom who guilted my daughter to get to me.

I totally had a junior high moment at the pool today.

I was in the locker room, helping my kids get changed into their clothes after we had been swimming.

This mom came up behind me with her young son.

She told me my stuff was in front of her locker.

I apologized and turned to move my bag.

Apparently, I wasn’t fast enough for her.

She just opened the locker and shoved my stuff onto the floor!

I scrambled to pick up our clothes before they got all wet.

She got their shoes, slammed the locker, turned, and left.

I was just stunned.

Speechless.

I didn’t even look up.

I was thirteen again.

Did I mention I was wearing a towel?

Of course I thought of everything I would have liked to say and do after she left.

I wonder what that woman was like in seventh grade.

I wonder what her son is like to his peers.

I won’t apologize to bullies.

If you were bullied when you were younger, the reason you freeze at genuine compliments is because fake compliments were a prelude to an attack.

I have the right to wear any shirt I want. I have a right to be friends with whomever I please. I can sit wherever I want in a public place. I don’t care what you think and you have no power over me.

Bullies are mean because they are hurting and they lash out.

For 25 years, I have lived with the bitterness of the bullying in seventh grade.

I forgive you, Lauren.

Follow Jennifer’s board Girls on Pinterest.

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Diligent Parenting

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June 26, 2014 By Jennifer Lambert 4 Comments

I let down my guard for a few days.

I allowed the children to play with a boy they met in the village. He is American and I think the kids and he were excited to meet and be able to speak easily to each other.

I was happy they met a friend and were getting out of the house. I want them to be children and to play and have fun and explore.

How much trouble could they get into riding bikes and scooters and playing at the village playground?

Village Playground

Then they went to his house one afternoon.

I walked the trail around our village and went back to pick them up.

Liz had gotten on their Internet and broken my rules. The irony is that the boy tattled on her to me the moment I walked through their door.

Then, while I chatted with the woman, the boy played a violent video game in front of my younger three kids.

I think I caught on in time since I heard the TV blaring and excused myself to go investigate and called my kids to come. I don’t think they saw much.

The boy argued that there was no blood. Like that’s the least of my worries.

He backtalked his mama and me. He snapped at Kate.

I snatched up my babies and left.

His mama apologized to me as I walked down their steps and started down the sidewalk to home.

It was too little, too late and I wonder how sincere it really was. Mere moments around them informed me of their priorities and values.

I should have been more careful.

A framed marriage prayer on the wall doesn’t make anyone a Christian, but the lack of parenting certainly was blaringly obvious to me and I don’t want my kids influenced by them.

I must remain diligent at all times.

I get so worn out meeting new people, getting excited about potential friendships, just to get disappointed and hurt that they have such different standards and lifestyles.

Diligent Parenting - I must remain diligent at all times.

Personally, I am tolerant of so much, but I cannot allow my children to be exposed to anything contrary our worldview.

I am reminded of Matthew 10:16:

“Look, I am sending you out as sheep among wolves. So be as shrewd as snakes and harmless as doves.”

My kids didn’t even question me when I told them they were not to go back to that house.

I know my younger three kids were a little disconcerted. Liz was ashamed, perhaps more at getting caught than what she had done.

Luckily, they’ve met a few German kids who seem nice, but I will be more careful before they go inside any other houses.

Updates: The boy came to the house the next day when I was out. Liz answered the door because he was so loud and obnoxious: ringing the bell, banging on the door, and hollering for them. He wanted to apologize to me, but I wasn’t there. So he apologized to Liz and then asked if they could come out to play or if he could come inside. Liz obeyed my rules and said that they could not leave the house nor could he come inside while I wasn’t home. He got huffy and left and we haven’t seen him again.

Weeks later, the mom confronted Liz at the village park. She demanded to know why our family wouldn’t accept their friendship.

No adult should ever bully a child.

This mom has never come to my house. She has never asked to speak to me directly. Liz stumbled over some excuses. This woman frightened my teen daughter. Inexcusable.

They have since moved out of our village. Their house is vacant and for rent.

If you were bullied when you were younger, the reason you freeze at genuine compliments is because fake compliments were a prelude to an attack.

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