Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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You are here: Home / Family / Standing Alone

Standing Alone

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November 6, 2023 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I am lost in an individualist society.

I have no support system.

I have no family.

I have no friends.

I don’t even have acquaintances.

I attended public school and lived in the same house from birth until I was 16 years old, surrounded by peers and family – aunts and cousins. My classmates all lived within a certain small radius and many attended each other’s birthday parties. I played outside with a whole gang of multi-aged kids after school and on summer breaks.

Everyone I knew existed along the same plane, a similar demographic. There weren’t so many comparisons since there was no Internet, except maybe on Christmas and birthdays, when some kids got the big presents or name brand things…and others did not. But we didn’t really stress that much over it, and I remember more generosity and compassion then than there is now.

Perhaps it was just a bubble that burst when I grew older.

I grew and gradually felt more distance between myself and my peers. It’s like they had a linear trajectory and mine has been an absolute tangle.

And it’s like people slept through their young adult years, but never really woke up. They coast along, oblivious to anything that does not directly affect them. Why would they want to think about it? They’re not awake to anything except their daily grind. They’re so individual. They don’t notice others.

And so little does directly affect rich healthy white people.

There is no therapying away the troubles our USAian society has created and perpetuates. It’s systemic and I see little to no change in our future. We could have tackled racism and sexism and fought the patriarchy. We had the lovely opportunity to make vast revolutionary improvements during COVID and we failed, y’all.

I am constantly angry, upset, saddened by the news around the world – and by everyone being oblivious to it all. And all the information is always at our fingertips, so we are just bombarded with all the news, all the time. It was different and I know I was sheltered as a child. But I still felt all the feelings so big all the time, even then. It’s overwhelming.

I have four kids, ages 13-23. I am a horrible role model for them developing friendships. But I do know how healthy relationships should work.

When my kids were little, it was a bit easier. We could go to parks or homeschool events and kids would just congregate together and play and it was all very low-key. We didn’t have to plan much. There were no real playdates. I would listen to the moms’ conversations, but I never really had much to contribute. I would observe and learn. Almost always, I would say or do the wrong thing. I never felt accepted or included. Those moms didn’t really want to hear anything I had to say. They didn’t want to think or feel. Their conversations were always shallow – about entertainment or mothering issues or marriage troubles. It was always negative and never intellectual in any way.

It didn’t help that we moved frequently with the military. My kids feel hollow and struggle now that we are “settled” and have lived here for six years. They still don’t know how to make friends that feel permanent. I worry they will always feel transient.

I’ve been accused of being excessively angry and I have lost jobs over being too blunt. I don’t see the point of sugarcoating anything. Yet, I deliberate constantly over my word choice and tone. It seems that I never can say the right thing in the right way.

We do feel jealousy about people who have friends and family and have lived in their place essentially their whole lives.

I can only do so much within my own household. Everyone needs support.

Where do we get these relationships? Where is our village? Where are our friends?

from Facebook

How do I develop trust? How do I find time to nurture a friendship? It seems daunting.

And how do I learn to love others when I feel so unlovable?

My parents told me that no one would ever love me like they do.

While this seems like a wonderful, loving, caring sentiment, it is actually very toxic.

What my parents taught me while I was growing up, sometimes verbally out loud, other times subliminally by their actions, moods, reactions, and body language – is that I am worthless.

They made me believe that I couldn’t do anything right, that only my performance mattered, but it was never good enough. They complained about my appearance. They complained about my school grades. They complained I would isolate and read books. They complained if I wanted to go out. They complain if I asked for something for a holiday – even if they ask me what I want; that was not in their script.

My parents talked ill of all my extended family members. No one was a good person – my grandmothers, deceased grandfathers, my aunts, uncles, cousins. They all have fundamental problems. My parents act like they were superior in every way. As an only child, I had no one to compare my life since I was all alone. It’s been shocking to hear truths from my cousins about my parents now that I am an adult.

I was never taught how to have a relationship outside of my parents.

“There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends. That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first; when you learn to live for others, they will live for you.”

― Paramahansa Yogananda

I learned that any friendship should be lightweight because it took me away from my parents which was so selfish. When I was a teen, any boyfriend was a potential predator and I was just wasting my time anyway. It was selfish of me wanting to go out instead of staying in the house with my parents. They encouraged me to get a part-time job, but complained about my schedule. They complained when I cooked meals, but they wanted only to eat microwave dinners that I loathe.

After my suicide attempt, they really doubled down on the idea that of course no one could really love me, that they were only using me.

They taught me that they held my puppet strings and would never, ever cut those strings to allow me to be independent.

So, why is it a surprise that I learned how to be self-reliant?

I stand alone. I always have.

We are amused by and we idolize books and films and shows that portray INTJ or neurodivergent women, but no onet really wants to navigate relationships with them in real life. Wednesday Addams and Elizabeth Zott in Lessons in Chemistry are portrayed rather positively, but most are villains or bad girls.

I absolutely love and get very emotional about The Crab Scene from the Joy Luck Club. We are too often unseen and misunderstood by even the other women in our lives.

There are lessons and warnings in the old fairy tales. The “witch” seeks to capture and steal from her daughter, the “princess” her youth and beauty instead of embracing their own transition, wisdom, age, beauty in a different, less conventional or socially acceptable way.

Is a woman’s worth only in her youth, beauty, and men’s desire?

Is it any wonder that women are encouraged to pretend they’re still young and fuckable with hormone therapy, hysterectomies, mood enhancing drugs, Botox, expensive skin creams, shapewear, and all the physically, mentally, psychologically altering items we are marketed?

The Internet has brought us together in ways we couldn’t be together geographically. But, it also isolates many in the various accomodations the Internet offers. We don’t have to leave our homes to interact with others at all if we choose not to do so. There’s certainly a loss to barter for the convenience.

In my local city Facebook Moms Group, I usually lurk and read…and judge. So, so many moms post anonymously and I get that. They know they will be judged less harshly if they maintain their anonymity. The thing is that so many moms do not have any support networks and we do all judge each other way too much.

“How do you manage a relationship with in laws who don’t like you when there is children involved?”

There are 62 comments and counting. Many commenters have zero contact with family members and others have really tricky complicated relationships.

Another women’s Facebook group I’m in had a commenter mention that she was experiencing sorrow and grief making the transition to older motherhood. She realizes she will never have another baby and she is embarrassed to feel jealousy over her eldest daughter’s pregnancy. She had nowhere else to express herself other than a exercise/weight loss group! Thankfully, the mods didn’t remove the post and I am pleased by all the comments supporting and comforting and grieving with her.

Y’all, OMG we need to discuss these life experiences and transitions that women face without shame and with more love and compassion and comradery.

Our society doesn’t condone appreciating or honoring our elders. I see articles, art, movies and shows, and memes perpetuating and encouraging the younger generations to ridicule and humiliate the older generations. Sure, many refuse to grow or adapt or learn and stick to old ways that are outdated or harmful, but many of us long to bridge the gaps and help everyone rise up together.

So, so many of us didn’t get to witness our mothers, aunties, grandmothers experience feelings of loss or transition or growth or aging in any way, and certainly not in healthy ways.

Being a mother is very lonely.

While I often stand alone for my values and beliefs, it’s sad to always stand alone.

It is an honor to grow and age and transition into an elder lady with wisdom for the younger women.

Resources:

  • Motherwhelmed by Beth Berry
  • Jesus, the Gentle Parent by LR Knost
  • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson
  • Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman
  • The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life by Harriet Lerner

You might also like:

  • Healing Mother
  • Standing Alone
  • Balancing Blogging and Mothering
  • Navigating Motherhood During Deployment
  • A Mother’s Résumé
  • Childcare Crisis

Linking up at blogs here.

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jenalambert

INTJ. Only child. Military Wife. Homeschool Mom. Geek. Naturalist. Traveler. Questioning authority since 1976.

I get home after errands and our AC is out but I s I get home after errands and our AC is out but I still made this gorgeous yellowfin tuna, jasmine rice, and sauteed veg, including some fun Japanese eggplant.
What's really devastating is that my parents have What's really devastating is that my parents have these annual agendas they used as journals and they recorded absolutely everything about their daily lives.My father mainly recorded his meals, digestion, sleep schedule, weather, finances, and medical appointments.So I get a glimpse into what my mother 's daily schedule, medical history, meals, thoughts, and feelings were for the past decade and it's glaringly obvious how little she thought of me and my children.I was barely on the checklist. I'm not sure at what point or even how to reconcile this and I just feel very alone.
Since my son has a baseball game tonight right in Since my son has a baseball game tonight right in the middle of dinner time. Southern bento box: salmon patties with remoulade, Cole slaw, Publix tater salad, fried corn. Gonna bring a cup of cherry limeade.
Smoothie time in the garden Smoothie time in the garden
My peonies are happy this year My peonies are happy this year
A month ago we had a belated celebration dinner an A month ago we had a belated celebration dinner and it was delightful.
Omg zaatar sumac lemon roasted chicken and potatoe Omg zaatar sumac lemon roasted chicken and potatoes with green beans almondine and sauteed zucchini and garlic bread with the pan juice. Yes.
Made a fun olive oil rosemary lemon cake for my #3 Made a fun olive oil rosemary lemon cake for my #3 turning 18 and graduating from our homeschool. I always love the unique cake flavors they request!
My rose is having a moment. My rose is having a moment.
Hopes & Dreams Hopes & Dreams
So, real issues now when Kerrygold butter is out o So, real issues now when Kerrygold butter is out of stock at Sam's.I bought the entire shelf of Kerrygold at our military commissary.But there's no good jasmine rice at the commissary and fewer breakfast sausage and lots of empty shelves where international foods should be stocked.I love how no one understands or cares how tariffs work.
Good heavens, this roasted garlic bread from Publi Good heavens, this roasted garlic bread from Publix and organic rosé wine (the Natura Pinot noir is good too) from Chile is absolutely amazing.I love Publix so much y'all. The subs, the potato salad, the salmon dinners, the cake! How friendly and helpful everyone is. I'm so excited that I have one only an hour and a half away now.I bought my wedding cake from Publix in 2005.
Alone for the first time in months it seems Alone for the first time in months it seems
75⁰ calls for a Hefeweizen. 75⁰ calls for a Hefeweizen.
Sign of spring Sign of spring
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Snowdrops!!! Snowdrops!!!
60⁰ and Pinot noir. 60⁰ and Pinot noir.
My geranium is ready for spring My geranium is ready for spring
We're ready for spring and we're going to have wor We're ready for spring and we're going to have words with that groundhog if he doesn't do what I want.
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Comments

  1. Jennifer says

    November 6, 2023 at 4:11 pm

    Finding connections is so important and so challenging. It can be difficult to find people who “get” you, and there is certainly a lot wrong with the world that doesn’t help anything. Starting in your own circle of influence, like with your kids, can be a good place to start, but that can have its own challenges. Visiting from Will Blog for Comments.

    Reply
  2. Michele Morin says

    November 7, 2023 at 10:00 am

    You’ve been so honest here. It’s clear that you have a high degree of sel-awareness. That’s a valuable trait to bring into a friendship or a community…

    Reply
  3. Esme Slabbert says

    November 7, 2023 at 6:55 pm

    Hi, Jennifer Thank you for this post. You have touched me and I am sure many others can relate and feel the same.
    Thank you for sharing your links with us at #286 SSPS Linky. See you again next week.

    Reply
  4. Joanne Viola says

    November 10, 2023 at 5:24 pm

    You’ve been so honest here, Jennifer. I am not sure what to say. Whether young or old, may we always respect others. May we engage in meaningful conversation for we all have so much to learn from one another.

    Reply
  5. Shelbee on the Edge says

    November 15, 2023 at 4:51 am

    Thanks so much for sharing this post, Jennifer. I feel your every word because I have lived your every word. Military life was a struggle for me, too. I never fit in with the military people and I never fit in with the non-military people. Now, as my 50th birthday approaches, I finally have found complete contentment in just doing my own things, peacefully alone with my own weirdness! I am featuring this post on my Friday link up. More people need to read this one!

    Shelbee

    Reply
  6. stephanie says

    November 15, 2023 at 12:36 pm

    Hi Jennifer, I just wanted to let you know that your post was incredibly honest. I have found that my true happiness lies in spending time with my family, which consists of my husband and children.

    Although I have tried to build connections with other family members in the past, unfortunately, I have experienced instances where people have lied about me, betrayed me, and even tried to turn others against me.

    As a result, I feel content and at peace with my small circle. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us at The Crazy Little Love Birds link party.

    Reply
  7. Stephanie BWL says

    November 16, 2023 at 1:51 pm

    Thanks for your honesty in this post and for sharing with #PoCoLo

    Reply
  8. chickenruby says

    November 20, 2023 at 5:11 pm

    I’m sorry to hear you feel this way and have had such negative experiences. I’ve tried many times to fit in in areas where I’ve been out of my comfort zone and I do hear what you say about how experiences from childhood can negatively impact on life as an adult. Thanks for linking up with #pocolo

    Reply
  9. Paula Short says

    November 25, 2023 at 10:43 am

    Jennifer I appreciate your honesty within. I don’t know what to say, but I get what you’re saying if that even makes sense. Pausing to reflect on your words today.
    I appreciate you sharing your honest thoughts and feelings with Sweet Tea & Friends this month my friend.

    Reply
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