It’s been about eight years.
And I know I should probably get over it.
But it’s symbolic of my entire relationship with my mother.

It doesn’t matter that I bought this shirt at a thrift store. It was my favorite shirt. I felt good when I wore it.
We visited my parents near Atlanta, in May 2014, before we PCSed from Utah to Germany. My parents are getting old and I didn’t know what could transpire during our three years on another continent. We hadn’t seen my family since 2011.
It was a stressful time for the kids and me, staying with my parents, whom my kids don’t even really know. This was just one incident in a series of problems.
During the ten days we stayed with my parents, I had to do laundry since we had been living out of suitcases for many weeks between our TLF stay in Utah, the road trip from Utah to Georgia, and anticipating a month in TLF once we arrived in Germany.
My mother has a weird obsession with bleach.
I bought and used organic laundry detergent that our family is used to using and I washed and dried our clothes. I hung up my pink ruffled shirt on the drying rack in the little laundry room off the kitchen.
My mother washed her towels and laundry, I guess, like she normally does, and somehow, oh my ever-loving god, the bleach splashed across three feet from the washing machine onto one of the ruffles on my pink shirt that was hanging to dry. I wish I had a picture of the bleached shirt. It was a huge bleached patch. Like, how does that even happen? Most bottles of bleach say they’re non-splash or something. It’s concentrated and easy to pour. Was she slinging the bleach around like the gas station scene from Zoolander?
And then, she wasn’t even really sorry. My shirt was ruined! I couldn’t color-match the bleach stain. I didn’t want to bleach wash the shirt to be something creative and different. I couldn’t find a replacement.
She just shrugged it off, like it was my fault. Like everything in my entire life is my fault. I shouldn’t have hung my shirt there. I should’ve been more careful. Maybe I shouldn’t have done my laundry at all.
Which is her attitude about everything in our entire lives! She refuses to apologize or admit she ever did anything inappropriate or wrong.
She recently told me I was not to blame them anymore and to keep the emails and conversation light or not at all.
There will be people that would rather lose you, than be honest about what they’ve done to you. Let them go.
Nate Postlethwait
I found this shirt on Poshmark, which I don’t think existed back then, and we were moving to Germany anyway, so… I know eBay has been around a long time, but I couldn’t find this shirt anywhere, anytime I looked. I couldn’t even really find the proper key words to search…until last month.
It was just a little something that grated in the back of my mind and broke my heart over and over. I know it’s just a shirt, but it hurt that my mother just didn’t care about ruining it. Just like she doesn’t care about me or my kids.
I now have my replacement shirt. I feel a little bit triumphant. I know my mother doesn’t even remember this episode, like she doesn’t remember anything very important that ever happened to me, good or bad.
I wish it were as easy to repair our relationship as it was to get a new shirt.
If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.
Ram Dass
Resources:
- Gabor Maté
- John Gottman
- Harriet Lerner
- Susan Cain
- Elaine N. Aron
- The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
- Jesus, the Gentle Parent by LR Knost
- Motherwhelmed by Beth Berry
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, Silverado, Random Musings, Ridge Haven, Pinch of Joy, Create with Joy, Suburbia, LouLou Girls, InstaEncouragements, Jeanne Takenaka, Jenerally Informed, God’s Growing Garden, OMHG, Blue Cotton Memory, Life Abundant, Fluster Buster, Joanne Viola, Soaring with Him, Homestead, Penny’s Passion, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Imparting Grace, Lisa Notes, CWJ, Coffee and Jesus, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Being a Wordsmith, Slices of Life, Modern Monticello, Pam’s Party, Mostly Blogging,
rejoicing in the miracle of a new shirt. releasing those who don’t quite understand how they impact us is another miracle only God can do through us. i’m so grateful He cares about these things. and about us in our disappointment and our hurt.
bless you. and thanks for the super resource list. so helpful.
Awww, Jennifer. It was never about the shirt, was it? When others minimize or invalidate us over and over, it’s hard to look past that. I’m sorry this has been the relationship with your mother. I’m praying for her heart and for you today.
Praying for God to soften hardened hearts today. I’m happy to hear you we’re able to finally find another beloved shirt.
Thank you for sharing with Sweet Tea & friends This month my friend.
Big hug!
This post breaks my heart for not only you, but your kids and your mother. My mom and I had a tumultuous relationship, but when she passed, I discovered we were so very close. Our problems lay in the fact we were cut from the same cloth. It seems you and your mom are cut from very different cloth, yet, I hope you can find something to seam your relationship together. It hurts when something important to us is not valued, and, worse, we are made to feel the problem. Prayers of comfort to you…
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
oh, thank you so much for your understanding words. This is what I pray every day. I love your analogy. This is comforting.
Funny how something so small in a day can sear itself on your memory. But it did. We never know how little moments will stay in the hearts of those around us and communicate something through the years. Once we have a history with people, it’s easy for those hurts to keep popping up.
I’m sorry for this experience, and glad you got another shirt. I pray that the relationship might still be rescued with time.
Thank you for sharing this at the Homestead Blog Hop
Laurie