So, so many of us are stressed.

We are bombarded with articles and ads and memes and even admonitions from family and friends to practice more or better “self-care.”

Even the authorities in lives – parents and pastors – criticize us for not taking more time for ourselves, but without offering any real help.

Images of self-care are bubble baths with wine and candles or expensive spa days with facials and massages and pedicures.

Honestly, that’s not even what relaxes some of us, not to mention how many can’t afford it.

Consumerism often just adds to our problems.

Self-care shouldn’t contribute to your stress!

Is it betrayal or burnout?

Many of us don’t have any help.

Our society tells us we need to be supermoms. We should be able to do it all and look young and smooth and stylish and cheerful while succeeding.

This is not reality.

This is about our culture and the lack of public policy. We don’t have universal healthcare or affordable childcare or paid leave or even reliable income. Expenses rise and salaries stays the same.

Spouses don’t do enough for whatever reason. We have little support. Family might live far away or be inconsistent or even toxic. Few can afford to hire domestic labor to do the work we often have to put aside but feel guilty about all the time.

Expensive supplements or vitamins or even prescription meds are not the end-all, be-all solution. Therapy isn’t the answer to a broken sick and society. The immediacy of the Instagram self-care is seductive and we are told we can get quick gratification fixes, but that’s a lie. That’s the betrayal. Burnout isn’t fixed with a candle or pedicure.

It’s like we constantly have a check engine line flickering and we aren’t even sure what we need anymore.

There’s lots of discussion about boundaries. But boundaries are a privilege. That no has a cost. That cost is high for many who don’t have a luxury of saying no without consequences.

What happens if we say NO to a parent? To our child? To our spouse? To our boss or coworker? To a sister or friend? Often, there is pushback or negativity or toxic behavior. Seldom is there respect and understanding.

As women, especially as wives and mothers, many of us have been conditioned to believe that our needs come last. Some of us have even been trained to think we shouldn’t have any needs at all. The presumption is that our wellbeing doesn’t matter or the only way that it could ever matter is if it leads to more wellbeing for the kids.

Biologically, we want our children to have their needs met, even to our own detriment. Selflessness is our value. But even in emergencies, we are instructed to place the oxygen mask on ourselves before placing them on our children. We shouldn’t be martyrs.

If we cannot breathe, we cannot help another.

But what is real self-care?

There are lots of metaphors and people have different needs.

We really, truly do not have to compare ourselves to others – to past generations, to our neighbors or siblings or friends, and certainly NOT to anyone we see with picture perfect curated social media accounts.

We don’t have to do what they tell us.

“Eudemonic wellbeing is based on this theory of wellbeing means that your values, your internal values, and your life choices are aligned. It’s the opposite of hedonic wellbeing which means that wellbeing is the absence of suffering.” – Pooja Lakshmin

We each have choices to make. We must envision what life we desire. How do we want our weeknights, weekends, and holidays to look? Do we want family dinner every night or the sports practices and lessons with the kids every evening? There never seems to be a third option.

Self-care means self-awareness and self-acceptance. Sometimes, things just suck. Acknowledging that, figuring out what you might be able to change, and getting support can help. But the first step is to let yourself feel your feelings.

Let’s move away from performative ideas of self care that we see in commercials. We need to curate a life we don’t need a vacation from.

We need to fill up our tanks – our “energy reservoirs.” We can’t wait around and expect others to do that for us. We must learn how to be self-aware and seek out what we need. If we can keep even some of our reservoirs full, we will feel much more fulfilled and capable.

Our energy reservoirs are: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, social.

We need to make sure all the tanks get frequently refilled. We can only neglect a tank for a little while before it feels overwhelming.

Physical

This physical reservoir relates to our physical health, our physical wellbeing.

This pertains to how we sleep, eat, exercise. There are also negatives that drain our tanks – such as drug or alcohol use, smoking or vaping, poor hygiene, sporadic diet, lack of sleep, being sedentary.

Many people focus on the physical tank to the detriment of other tanks. It’s easy to recognize when this tank needs filling. But remember, the body never lies.

Some issues with this tank when others are too long neglected are hyperfocusing on food or exercise to the point of addiction or disorder.

Mental

Our mental tanks are about our knowledge and wisdom and how we use that.

I need my mental tank much more stimulated and refilled more often than some other people I know. This sometimes makes it hard for me to replenish my mental tank and I often just need to retreat to be alone to read or research or meditate. It’s often difficult that I don’t have anyone to discuss current events or art or books with, so I just ferment in my grief.

Some love the history documentaries or reading or doing puzzles. There are seasons when this tank is used more or less. We should have a hobby we don’t have to monetize.

Emotional

Emotional batteries run on emotional intelligence.

We need to become aware of our emotions and how to regulate our reactions to the emotions of ourselves and others. Many of us need to work on self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. We weren’t taught these things and it creates a lot of conflict that could be avoided.

There are no bad emotions. Many of use can’t handle anger or any negativity. Anger is not a bad thing, but it can take over if it is not properly managed.

We can learn nonviolent communication and practice healthy conflict resolution.

Spiritual

Spirituality is not just about religion. It’s mostly about morals, kindness, self-compassion and relationships.

Some of us prefer to spend time in nature like forest bathing or volunteering to boost our spiritual cravings. Music and art can help us achieve our spiritual needs. Meditation and worship are very popular ways to boost this tank.

Social

Our social tank is refueled when we spend time with people we care about and who genuinely care about us.

Social connection is important and often overlooked. We live in a disconnected world. So many of us experience loneliness, even when surrounded by so many people.

I do not care for transactional relationships. I prefer quality over quantity. I also like and need to be alone, which is confusing and distressing to some people who thrive with more social interaction.

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” – Audre Lorde

The stressors are most likely not going to go away, but they can be prioritized.

Resources:

• Real Self-Care by Pooja Lakshmin, MD
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD
• The Body Never Lies by Alice Miller
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
• Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD
• It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn
• What Happened to You? by Bruce D. Perry

You might also like:

• Emotional Health
• Toxic Positivity
• How to Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle
• I Tried Therapy
• Prioritizing Rest
• Women’s Health