Maintaining Attachment During Deployment

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October 7, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 10 Comments

Military life is often very stressful for kids.

Deployments are especially hard on families.

When a parent is absent, kids often feel lost and will find an alternative attachment to replace the missing parent. This makes reintegration that much more difficult.

John Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:

Proximity Maintenance – The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
Safe Haven – Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
Secure Base – The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
Separation Distress – Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

It’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain attachment to the child.

It often falls to the spouse at home to accomodate or encourage attachment opportunities with the deployed member, but that doesn’t maintain the strong attachment as well as when the absent parent makes the effort. Of course, this might take lots of advance planning if the deployment occurs in a place where communication is very limited or the locale and situation is very dangerous or top secret.

It’s very painful to return home from a lonely and dangerous deployment to children who act like they don’t remember, don’t care, or would rather he’d stayed away.

It’s difficult to make amends with or collect children who become peer-attached or other-attached during the parent’s absence.

A deployed service member wants a warm homecoming to the much-missed spouse, and that requires maintaining attachment throughout the absence. It’s no different, and perhaps more important, to maintain a strong attachment with children.

It’s different at every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Farewell and welcome ceremonies are important to set the stage for a difficult time for the whole family.

Explaining expectations to kids is important.

We accompany dad to the airplane gate to say goodbye and wave the plane away.

We try to plan something fun and distracting the afternoon Dad leaves.

We meet him again at the airplane gate to welcome him home. This is even more special now than before 9/11 when everyone could meet loved ones at gates.

We try to give Dad space when he returns home since he’s really tired and stressed from several days of travel.

Maintaining Attachment with Kids

Most children are very susceptible to sensory stimulation that reminds them of the absent parent. Even during very short separations, the familiarity of touch, voice, smell, and sight helps kids overcome their discomfort of absence.

Some useful techniques for parents to help their children bridge unavoidable separation include giving the child pictures or pillows of themselves, special jewelry or lockets to wear, notes to read or have read to them, scheduling phone, text, or video calls at appointed times, recordings of their voice on books, or with special songs or messages, something with their smell on it for the child to hold on to when apart – like a stuffed toy or blanket or Tshirt, gifts to be opened or delivered at special times.

I frequently showed my son a photo book when he was a baby during our first deployment. The kids often looked through photos of our lovely memories traveling and holidays and other events.

Another way of keeping connected is by giving a child a sense of where a parent is when not with her. When a parent is away on a trip, set something up so she can follow the travels on a map. Physical absence is much easier to endure when one is able to locate the other in time and space.

For the first deployment, I set up a wall clock with “Daddy time” to show what time it was in Afghanistan. We set up the clock app on their iPads with “Doha time” so the kids knew what time it was during the second deployment.

We may need to enlist the help of others to keep the deployed member present in the child’s mind when absent. Ask friends, relatives, or other caregiving adults to talk to the child about the deployed member in a friendly way, to help him imagine what the parent might be up to at certain times, to show him pictures that will evoke for him pleasant memories. Share special meals and special occasions with extended family and friends and speak warmly of the absent parent.

We tried to schedule special dinners and celebrations during videochat so it was like we all together.

sources: Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gabor Maté, MD, and Gordon Neufeld

The continuum concept is an idea, coined by Jean Liedloff in her 1975 book The Continuum Concept, that human beings have an innate set of expectations that our evolution as a species has designed us to meet in order to achieve optimal physical, mental, and emotional development and adaptability.

I emailed and texted frequently with photos, milestones, and special events of the kids so he could talk to them about these things on chat and video call. I created photo book gifts of everything Dad missed on his deployments so he can share the memories too.

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Celebrating St. Francis

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October 1, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 6 Comments

Saint Francis of Assisi, born Giovanni di Pietro di Bernardone, informally named as Francesco, was an Italian Catholic friar, deacon, and preacher.

He founded the men’s Order of Friars Minor, the women’s Order of Saint Clare, the Third Order of Saint Francis, and the Custody of the Holy Land.

St. Francis died at Portiuncula, Italy on October 4, 1226.

Pope Gregory IX pronounced St. Francis a saint on July 16, 1228. The pope also laid the foundation stone for the Basilica of St Francis in Assisi, Italy. The church, also known as Basilica of San Francesco d’Assisi, is a UNESCO world heritage site.

Along with Saint Catherine of Siena, Francis was designated Patron saint of Italy.

Francis fell in love with the humanity and the humility of Jesus; while most of Western and even Eastern Christianity focused on proving the divinity of Jesus.

It’s not easy to put into a capsule the spirit and gifts of Franciscan thinking. Its hallmarks are simplicity, reverence, fraternity, ecumenism, ecology, interdependence, and dialogue. Its motto and salutation is “Peace and All Good!”

Francis believed that God was nonviolent, the God of Peace. This belief may be a simple presupposition for us today, but at the time when the Christian church was waging a Holy Crusade against its enemies, the Saracens, Francis’s interpretation of the gospel life and its demands was revolutionary. Francis saw it from the viewpoint of the poor, especially from the place of the poor, naked, suffering Christ. He had deep devotion to the God who is revealed as nonviolent and poor in the stable of Bethlehem, as abandoned on the cross, and as food in the Eucharist. God’s meekness, humility, and poverty led Francis to become “perfected as his Heavenly Father was perfect.” Francis identified with the “minores,” the lower class within his society…And he passionately pointed to the Incarnation as the living proof of God’s love. He frequently cried out in his pain that “Love is not loved!”

Incarnation is absolutely foundational to the Franciscan worldview. It is said that Francis created the first live Nativity scene. Franciscans emphasize Incarnation perhaps even more than redemption. In other words, Christmas is more important than Easter. Francis said that for God to be born a human being, born in a stable among the poor, shows that we already have redemption. Christmas is already Easter because if God became a human being, then it’s good to be a human being! The problem is already solved. That Jesus was born into a poor family shows God’s love for the poor.

Source: Adapted from John Quigley, “Brothers,” Richard Rohr: Illuminations of His Life and Work, eds. Andreas Ebert and Patricia C. Brockman (The Crossroad Publishing Company: 1993), 5-6.

At Greccio near Assisi, around 1220, Francis celebrated Christmas by setting up the first known presepio or crèche. His nativity imagery reflected the scene in traditional paintings. He used real animals to create a living scene so that the worshipers could contemplate the birth of the child Jesus in a direct way, making use of the senses, especially sight. Both Thomas of Celano and Saint Bonaventure, biographers of Saint Francis, tell how he used only a straw-filled manger set between a real ox and donkey. According to Thomas, it was beautiful in its simplicity, with the manger acting as the altar for the Christmas Mass.

On November 29, 1979, Pope John Paul II declared Saint Francis the Patron Saint of Ecology. During the World Environment Day 1982, John Paul II said that Saint Francis’ love and care for creation was a challenge and a reminder “not to behave like dissident predators where nature is concerned, but to assume responsibility for it, taking all care so that everything stays healthy and integrated, so as to offer a welcoming and friendly environment even to those who succeed us.” He wrote on the World Day of Peace, January 1, 1990, that the saint of Assisi “offers Christians an example of genuine and deep respect for the integrity of creation…As a friend of the poor who was loved by God’s creatures, Saint Francis invited all of creation – animals, plants, natural forces, even Brother Sun and Sister Moon – to give honor and praise to the Lord. The poor man of Assisi gives us striking witness that when we are at peace with God we are better able to devote ourselves to building up that peace with all creation which is inseparable from peace among all peoples.”

On 13 March 2013, upon his election as Pope, Archbishop and Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina chose Francis as his papal name in honor of Saint Francis of Assisi, becoming Pope Francis.

At his first audience on March 16, 2013, Pope Francis told journalists that he had chosen the name in honor of Saint Francis of Assisi, and had done so because he was especially concerned for the well-being of the poor. He explained that, as it was becoming clear during the conclave voting that he would be elected the new bishop of Rome, the Brazilian Cardinal Cláudio Hummes had embraced him and whispered, “Don’t forget the poor,” which had made Bergoglio think of the saint. Bergoglio had previously expressed his admiration for St. Francis, explaining that “He brought to Christianity an idea of poverty against the luxury, pride, vanity of the civil and ecclesiastical powers of the time. He changed history.” Bergoglio’s selection of his papal name is the first time that a pope has been named Francis.

Quotes

Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith.

All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.

Lord, make me an Instrument of Thy Peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is injury, pardon…

If God can work through me, he can work through anyone.

If you have men who will exclude any of God’s creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men.

While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.

Sermon to the Birds:

My little sisters the birds, ye owe much to God, your Creator, and ye ought to sing his praise at all times and in all places, because he has given you liberty to fly about into all places; and though ye neither spin nor sew, he has given you a twofold and a threefold clothing for yourselves and for your offspring. Two of all your species he sent into the Ark with Noah that you might not be lost to the world; besides which, he feeds you, though ye neither sow nor reap. He has given you fountains and rivers to quench your thirst, mountains and valleys in which to take refuge, and trees in which to build your nests; so that your Creator loves you much, having thus favoured you with such bounties. Beware, my little sisters, of the sin of ingratitude, and study always to give praise to God.

Symbols associated with St. Francis of Assisi:

A bag of gold and rich raiment at St. Francis’ feet.
A winged crucifix with five rays.
Stigmata.
A crown of thorns.
A lighted lamp.
A fiery chariot.
Animals such as birds, deer, and a wolf.

Things to Do:

Pray the Canticle of the Sun, which was written by St. Francis.
Many churches and parishes have a Blessing of animals or pets on or around this day.
St. Francis was influential on our present-day Christmas crib or creche. Make or buy a special nativity set to play with or display.
Although St. Francis is one of the most popular saints of the Church, and his feast is a huge celebration in Assisi, there are no particular foods attached to his festival. Tradition has passed on that on his deathbed he requested Frangipane cream or Mostaccioli (almond biscotti). Fire is a symbol of St. Francis, first of all because his heart was on fire with love of God, but there are other stories that deal with fire, particularly when he prayed, the surrounding areas would become so bright that people thought the areas were on fire. So a flaming dessert or wine would be an appropriate ending of a wonderful feast. One could also try some Umbrian style recipes, or just have “Italian night” at home, even simple pasta and sauces.
What does poverty in our state of life mean? How can I follow the Gospels like Francis?
Study art and photos of Francis. Find out more about the Basilica of St. Francis in Assisi. Although an earthquake in 1997 damaged the basilica, it reopened in 1999.
Read about St. Clare and her relationship with St. Francis.
Read about the Tau Cross.

Resources

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Emotional Health

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September 30, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I didn’t grow up with healthy emotions as a kid, and now as an adult, I’m having to relearn how to be healthy even if I’m not happy.

I grew up being told to smile and be pleasant all the time. There was no room, no patience for “negative emotions.”

There’s a big difference between accepting disappointment, anger, sorrow and having the freedom to express those feelings and lashing out in socially inappropriate ways.

Children need to feel safe with parents to express their entire spectrum of emotions.

The problem is that we as well-meaning parents and caregivers often attempt to intercept children on their journey through an emotional tunnel.

Emotions are just communication.

Tears are proof that emotions can be physical. Imagine what stuck emotions can do to your body when they have spent years without being released.

As parents, if we don’t have our emotions under control, how can we coach our kids to express themselves in healthy ways?

I’m convinced that when we help our children find healthy ways of dealing with their feelings-ways that don’t hurt them or anyone else-we’re helping to make our world a safer, better place.
Mr. Rogers

The emotionally intelligent person knows that love is a skill, not a feeling, and will require trust, vulnerability, generosity, humor, sexual understanding, and selective resignation. The emotionally intelligent person awards themselves the time to determine what gives their working life meaning and has the confidence and tenacity to try to find an accommodation between their inner priorities and the demands of the world. The emotionally intelligent person knows how to hope and be grateful, while remaining steadfast before the essentially tragic structure of existence. The emotionally intelligent person knows that they will only ever be mentally healthy in a few areas and at certain moments, but is committed to fathoming their inadequacies and warning others of them in good time, with apology and charm… There are few catastrophes, in our own lives or in those of nations, that do not ultimately have their origins in emotional ignorance.
Alain de Botton

5 Steps to Emotion Coaching

Be aware of your child’s emotions.
Recognize and use emotional moments as opportunities to connect and teach.
Help your child identify and verbally name emotions.
Respect your child’s feelings by taking time to listen carefully. Communicate empathy and understanding.
Explore solutions to problems together. Set reasonable limits.

Emotions can be inconvenient. It’s super important that we don’t project onto our kids that they are inconvenient. We need to take the time to work through the tough times. This is especially hard when we’re working through it ourselves.

What to say when we have big feelings:

It’s ok to let it out.
I’m here. I’m listening. I’m not leaving.
You can feel this, but you can’t act out this way.
Feelings don’t last forever. Sometimes, it feels like it!
Let’s take a breather.
You are good and kind. Everyone makes mistakes.
I’ll be right here waiting when you need me.
Let’s try that again.
What did we learn?
We can do better next time.

Obviously, we don’t use all these phrases every time. Use discretion and learn along with your child. We often work through frustrations and anger with our kids in these ways. We want to heal relationships. Reconciliation is the goal. Sometimes, there are no easy answers. Being human is complicated.

Holding space while allowing your child to release their emotions might sound like:
– I get it, it’s ok, let it out
– Yes I know, it’s so hard, show me how hard it is
– It looks like letting the tears flow while staying connected and present
– It looks like holding off on the breathing for a little bit and waiting before you come in with any calming techniques

Stress and anxiety determine resilience and vulnerability.

All of us deal with stress daily, but how we react is important.

We have used art, music, exercise, meditation, book and movie discussions, and Angry Birds printables to help us learn about and navigate difficult feelings.

For behavior, we need not worry that we condone or accept certain acts. We need to realize that we can accept and support emotions. Behaviors are often communication that we need to address.

I don’t have to like an emotion to allow it. I need to work through my triggers and discomforts to support my child.

It’s really a lot to be living and homeschooling every day in a house we share with 6 individuals.

We can all heal together.

Your true self is underneath all the emotions you don’t want to feel.

It’s important we learn how and teach our kids how to properly apologize.

I am breaking the cycle of silence and stifling emotions. Sometimes, it’s messy and really hard. Feelings sometimes suck. It’s important that my kids feel they’re safe to express the entire spectrum of emotions at home, around me, around each other.

Let feelings be.

I have to deal with my own issues in order to coach them well on theirs. I often fail, but I admit it and make amends. I start over, and over, and over.

We’re all learning how to be people.

My husband and I like this emotional needs questionnaire and discussed the relevant parts with our children so we can all better love and respect each other.

When the world feels like an emotional roller coaster, steady yourself with simple rituals. Do the dishes. Fold the laundry. Water the plants. Simplicity attracts wisdom.

Children need to feel free to express and trust their emotions and how to honor the emotional responses of others. These skills build a foundation for consent.

I think this series of books is excellent to help kids identify and deal with hard emotions:

We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.
Brené Brown

How introverts deal with stress and anxiety is different than how extroverts handle emotions. Often, it gets lost in translation.

Highly sensitive individuals are affected by their own and others’ emotions differently than many people.

Listen To Your Emotions…

Bitterness shows you where you need to heal, where you’re still holding judgments on others and yourself.

Resentment shows you where you’re living in the past and not allowing the present to be as it is.

Discomfort shows you that you need to pay attention right now to what is happening because you’re being given the opportunity to change, to do something different than you typically do it.

Anger shows you what you’re passionate about, where your boundaries are, and what you believe needs to change about the world.

Disappointment shows you that you tried for something, that you did not give in to apathy, that you still care.

Guilt shows you that you’re still living life in other people’s expectations of what you should do.

Shame shows you that you’re internalizing other people’s beliefs about who you should be (or who you are) and that you need to reconnect with yourself.

Anxiety shows you that you need to wake up, right now, and that you need to be present, that you’re stuck in the past and living in fear of the future.

Sadness shows you the depth of your feeling, the depth of your care for others and this world.

My goal:

“Are you happy?” “In all honesty? No. But I am curious – I am curious in my sadness, and I am curious in my joy. I am everseeking, everfeeling. I am in awe of the beautiful moments life gives us, and I am in awe of the difficult ones. I am transfixed by grief, by growth. It is all so stunning, so rich, and I will never convince myself that I cannot be somber, cannot be hurt, cannot be overjoyed. I want to feel it all – I don’t want to cover it up or numb it. So no, I am not happy. I am open, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
― Bianca Sparacino, Seeds Planted in Concrete

For grief, trauma, and other really strong negative emotions…

The only way out is through.

We have to embrace it all for true healing.

Of course, neurotypical children should be actively working on healthy emotions with their trusted and attached caregivers. For mental health issues, learning disabilities, autism and more, it’s much more complicated.

How do you deal with big emotions?

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Celebrating Michaelmas

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September 23, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 5 Comments

It’s officially autumn or fall in the northern hemisphere.

Even if it is 90° outside.

by the way, it’s pronounced “Micklemess.” you’re welcome.

Autumn Equinox Traditions

Some traditional rituals for the Celtic festival Mabon include building an altar to offer harvest fruits and vegetables, meditating on balance, gathering and feasting on apples, sharing food, and expressing gratitude. The holiday is named after the Welsh God, Mabon, son of Earth Mother goddess Modron.

Many people gather at Stonehenge to watch the equinox sunrise.

Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish fall festival for the New Year.

Japan marks both equinoxes with a period called Ohigan. The Buddhist belief is the afterlife land is in the west, and during the equinoxes, the sun sets more directly on the western horizon. The equinoxes are also symbolic of the transitions of life. The week around each equinox a time to visit the graves of one’s ancestors, to tidy up the grave sites, and leave flowers. It is also a time of meditation and visiting living relatives.

Many Asians celebrate the Moon Festival on the full moon nearest to the equinox. On a lunar calendar, that is the 15th day of the eighth lunar month. It is celebrated with festival activities, gazing at the moon, and eating moon cakes. In the southern U.S., Moon Pies are often used in place of moon cakes.

Celebrating Michaelmas

Michaelmas is the Catholic feast of the Archangel Michael. Some traditions use this feast day to celebrate other archangels: Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, and Raphael as the Feast of the Angels. The feast day is September 29, which is celebrated as the beginning of fall in many locales. The feast day was probably set near the autumn equinox to draw the faithful away from pagan celebrations, as with most other Christian holidays. Traditions include gathering and eating nuts (which begins on Holy Rood Day on September 14), and eating a fattened goose, which was supposed to protect against financial need for the next year.

“Eat a goose on Michaelmas Day,
Want not for money all the year”.

It is a time of transitions, as servants were paid their wages after the harvest and workers scrambled to find new employment contracts. The employment fairs that facilitated this custom became an opportunity for community celebration. It’s one of the quarter days, when accounts had to be settled.

In Ireland, finding a ring hidden in a Michaelmas pie meant that one would soon be married.

In remembrance of absent friends or those who had died, special Struans, blessed at an early morning Mass, were given to the poor in their names. Nuts were traditionally cracked on Michaelmas Eve.

In Scotland, St. Michael’s Bannock, or Struan Micheil (a large scone-like cake) is created from grain grown on the family’s land during the year, representing the fruits of the fields. It is cooked on a lambskin, representing the fruit of the flocks. The grain is also moistened with sheep’s milk, as sheep are deemed the most sacred of animals. As the Struan is created by the eldest daughter of the family, the following is said:

“Progeny and prosperity of family, Mystery of Michael, Protection of the Trinity”

It is also a good time to eat blackberries, as “Old Michaelmas Day” on October 10, is traditionally the cutoff time for picking blackberries. It is said that on this day, when Lucifer was expelled from Heaven, he fell from the skies, straight onto a blackberry bush. He then cursed the fruit, scorched them with his fiery breath, spat, and stamped on them and made them unfit for consumption! And so the Irish proverb goes:

“On Michaelmas Day the devil puts his foot on blackberries.”

The Michaelmas Daisy, which flowers late in the growing season between late August and early October, provides color and warmth to gardens at a time when the majority of flowers are coming to an end. The daisy is probably symbolic since St. Michael is celebrated as a protector from darkness and evil, just as the daisy fights against the advancing gloom of Autumn and Winter.

“The Michaelmas Daisies, among dede weeds,
Bloom for St Michael’s valorous deeds.
And seems the last of flowers that stood,
Till the feast of St. Simon and St. Jude.”

Resources for Families

Michaelmas is celebrated in the Waldorf schools, which celebrate it as the “festival of strong will” during the autumnal equinox. The primary idea behind the festival of Michaelmas is to get children to face their own challenges – in other words, their internal and external dragons. Michaelmas is typically the first festival of the new school year celebrated.

Courage

St. George is the Earthly counterpart to St. Michael. Read about dragons. Read stories about St. George. Do something that requires bravery. Make a cape. Make courage tea from edible flowers or salve from calendula. This is a time for spiritual growth as a family.

Decorate with daisies.

Make chains or fill a vase with wild ones. Bunches of daisies are super cheap in the markets now.

Study the moon.

The moon is really beautiful and meaningful on clear crisp nights. We like to look at it rise on our evening walks and sometimes it’s still up during the day! We often get the binoculars to study the craters and terminator at night.

Thank a police officer.

Saint Michael is the patron saint of police officers. Stop by your local police station with a yummy treat to thank them for their service. Tell them that it’s their feast day so you brought some food for feasting and let them know that you are praying for them in an extra special way on Michaelmas. Many churches pray a blue mass.

Pick and eat and cook with blackberries.

We often like to find wild berry patches or a pick your own farm. We’ve mad jam before or pies. It’s a fun tradition with kids!

Feasting

Roast a goose, chicken, duck, or turkey. Or even get a rotisserie from Costco or somewhere. Serve traditionally with carrots and apples and stuffing or homemade bread. Maybe try to roast a bannock!

Check out these great recipes!

A Michaelmas Prayer:

Saint Michael the Archangel,

defend us in battle;

be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil.

May God rebuke him, we humbly pray:

and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly host,

by the power of God,

thrust into hell Satan and all the evil spirits

who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.

Amen.

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Celebrating Rosh Hashanah

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September 23, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 10 Comments

Many cultures celebrate a new year around the autumn equinox. I’ve always felt this is a time of new beginnings.

I love the crisp fall leaves and poignant scents of cinnamon and apples, reminding us of sweetness and decay.

We also enjoy the traditions of Lammas Day.

Preparing during the Hebrew month of Elul

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, is a time when Jews celebrate the good things they have experienced in the previous year, and also when they reflect on hopes and dreams for the coming year. But Rosh Hashanah is not only festive; it is also a solemn time, a prelude to Yom Kippur, the Day of Judgment.

Rosh Hashanah inaugurates the Days of Awe, ten days during which Jews reflect on their conduct, make amends for past wrongs, and set themselves to do better in the coming year.

We’re not Jewish. We’re not Messianic. We don’t keep Kosher. But I love to celebrate the feasts since we began years ago during our Year 1 history lessons. It’s important to know our church history.

Reading the Torah

The portion of the Torah read on the first day of Rosh Hashanah is Genesis 22:1-19, the story of the Akeidah, or “The Binding of Isaac.” In Reform congregations that observe a second day of Rosh HaShanah, the Torah portion is Genesis 1:1-2:3, the story of creation.

The Haftarah, the selection from the prophetic books that accompanies Torah readings on Shabbat and holidays, is from I Samuel, and tells the story of Hannah.

My favorite prayers and lessons are from Hebrew for Christians.

Casting Away

Tashlich (“to cast away”) is a ceremony generally conducted on the first day of Rosh Hashanah when we symbolically cast our sins into a moving body of water – such as a river, stream, or ocean. This often includes the recitation of verses from Micah and Psalms.

God will take us back in love; God will cover up our iniquities, You will hurl all our sins into the depths of the sea.
Micah 7:19

Bread has been used to represent our sins, but some choose to cast stones, wood chips, or bird seed instead, to be more environmentally healthy.

Symbols of Rosh Hashanah

Shofar

A ram’s horn is blown to announce the new year.

Dates

The prayer before eating a date (tamar in Hebrew) includes the phrase “yitamu hataim”— may the wicked cease.

Apples and Honey

Dipping apples in honey on Rosh Hashanah is tradition to wish for a sweet New Year.

Pumpkin or Squash

Before eating pumpkin or squash (k’ra’a in Hebrew), Sephardic Jews say “yikaru l’fanekha z’khuyoteinu“– may our good deeds call out our merit before you.

Peas or Beans

Mentioned in the Talmud as ruviah, a word that sounds like the Hebrew “to increase,” indicates a desire for increased blessings in the new year.

Leeks or Onions

Associated with the Exodus from Egypt.

Beets

From the Aramaic name silka, similar to the Hebrew salak (go away) is used to express the hope that our enemies disappear.

Fish

Fish heads symbolize our wish to be heads, not tails; leaders, not followers. Originally a sheep’s head (a little hard to get these days) served as a reminder of the ram that saved Isaac’s life.

Crown Challah

Round challah represents the circle of the year and of life.

Pomegranates

The abundance of seeds represents prosperity. Also promises you will do many good deeds in the upcoming year.

Sephardic Jews celebrate a Rosh Hashanah Seder with much symbolism.

Our dinner is more like a mini Thanksgiving feast.

Menu Ideas

Start the meal with Fingerlickin’ Challah, amazingly soft on the inside with a nice crunch on the outside and a make-ahead Roasted Carrot Soup with Coriander.

Then dazzle your guests with a gorgeous Salmon Over Pomegranate and Golden Kiwi Arugula Salad as the appetizer.

For the main course, pair the quintessential Hearty Pot Roast with a Cumin Spiced Brisket With Leeks and Dried Apricots, a decidedly non-traditional take on a holiday favorite.

Side dishes should be exciting, too. Serve time-honored Tzimmes with Honey alongside Jeweled Butternut Squash featuring pistachios, pomegranate seeds, and chopped dates. Pomegranate also plays a starring role in the fresh and fruity Blood Orange Pomegranate Salad.

A holiday meal can’t be complete without dessert. But don’t settle for dry, crumbly honey cake when you can make a light and fluffy and delicious Honey Bundt Cake. Or go in a more unexpected direction while still nodding to the tradition to eat dates, and serve Sticky Date Pudding with Butterscotch Sauce. Or lighten things up with Baked Pears with Honey and Cinnamon.

We like honey cakes!

Pair dessert with Wissotzky Teas’ new and exotic chai offerings: Ginger and Turmeric Spiced Chai, Pumpkin Spiced Chai, Salted Caramel, or Spiced Nana Mint Chai. Mint tea drinkers can savor Wissotzky’s new line of Simply Nana Teas, which unleash a subtle layer of earthiness and invigorating minty flavor in natural green, black, and herbal flavors.

Some years, we have turkey or chicken instead of beef.

We always have challah, a lovely fruity salad, fish, and leeks or onions.

Family Resources

Go apple picking.

Have a honey tasting.

Make new year cards for friends and family.

Back challah together.

Go on a nature walk.

Throw your care, prayers, worries, resolutions into water.

Blow the shofar or party horns.

L’shanah Tovah! (For a good year!)

We also celebrate Hanukkah and Passover.

Linking up: Orgjunkie, Modest Mom, Welcome Heart, Kingdom Bloggers, Little Cottage, MaryAndering Creatively, Mostly Blogging, Flour Me with Love, Kippi at Home, Create with Joy, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Home Stories April Harris, LouLou Girls, Our Three Peas, Sarah Frazer, Worth Beyond Rubies, Grace for a Gypsy, My Life Abundant, Welcome Heart, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Apron Strings, Crystal Storms, Marilyn’s Treats, Debbie Kitterman, Penny’s Passion, Try it Like it, Quiet Homemaker, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Grandmas Ideas, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Answer is Choco, OMHG, Pieced Pastimes, Fireman’s Wife, CWJ, TFT, Life with Lorelai, Anita Ojeda, Being a Wordsmith, Blogghetti,

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Home Decor and Design Trends to Try in Your Home

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September 16, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Every home needs a facelift every so often to help keep it looking and feeling fresh. If it’s been a while since you’ve freshened up your home with a new look, it may be time to start looking into different home decor and design trends that you may be able to try around your home.

Go Gray

Gray is a timeless color for a reason. Its muted simplicity is a great way to pull together several different color schemes and can serve as a base color for just about any template. In addition to providing a calming effect, it can also provide a pop of color in just about any room when used correctly. If you’re tired of looking at the same, boring walls, try giving your room a fresh coat of gray paint and watch it transform into a beautiful, tranquil place.

Be a Natural

Being in nature is a relaxing way to calm your mind and get in touch with your outdoorsy side. However, there are times when you simply can’t get outside as much as you’d like, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the outdoors from the comfort of your own home. Use plants as a natural way to bring a touch of nature indoors. Plants provide more oxygen in your home and can spruce up a space while giving it a calming vibe. Some people are even ditching the plastic tables and chairs in favor of natural woods, which make it feel even more natural and inviting.

See the Light

Natural lighting is a great way to brighten up your space and make your home look and feel warmer and inviting. If you’ve been using the same, tired heavy drapes in your home for years, consider swapping them out in favor of something that will allow more natural light to filter into your home. If you’re concerned about privacy, you can invest in bottom-up shades, which allow light in your home while still providing you the privacy you and your loved ones need. You can find custom-made blinds by contacting Next Day Blinds professionals. At Next Day Blinds, you’ll find several options to suit just about all your needs and can be customized with several color schemes to fit your home’s decor scheme.

Mix it Up

If you have an eclectic style and want to be sure your home showcases that style, consider mixing materials around your home. You can have metal furniture in the same room as natural wood and fur to give your room an interesting appeal and truly original vibe. You can even go retro with your choice and hit up local thrift stores to find truly unique pieces that will showcase your style while saving you money on your home’s decor.

Paper It

Wallpaper is making a comeback as people are looking to breathe new life into their walls aside from traditional paint. If you’re looking to liven up your living space and love funky prints, look into using wallpaper in your home. You can find several prints that you could use for a statement wall to really make a statement and get people talking about your unique style. With so many great styles to choose from, you’re sure to find something that fits your personality.

Giving your home a fresh new look doesn’t have to be stressful or cost an arm and a leg. When you tap into your personal style, take advantage of the latest trends, and know where to look to find deals, you can make your home look and feel great without putting a major dent in your wallet. Give these home design and decor tips a try and watch as your home is transformed into a beautiful, trendy space for you to relax and enjoy your loved ones.

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Parenting Teens

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September 16, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 17 Comments

Teens often say harsh things to their parents.

I get my feelings hurt, but I have to push that aside and realize that teens are learning how to be people, just as I am still learning how to be people.

Teens are sorting their identity and trying on new personalities and clothing and seeing how words taste in their mouths.

Most of what teens say in the heat of a moment, they don’t really mean in their hearts.

I hate you! You’re controlling! This is abuse!

Teens haven’t developed self-control, achieved maturity, or discovered the ability to critically think about consequences to their words and actions.

Essentially, teens are just big toddlers who eat a lot of chips and ask for the keys to the car.

While I have made many mistakes and did my own share of discovering who I was as a person and parent, I will not apologize for how I raised my kids.

I did my best until I knew better, then I did better.

My mental load as a parent is off the charts high. I consider everything and try to be proactive with our four kids.

I examine our faith ideals, military life, homeschool education, value systems, health, and investments to provide the best start in life that I can for my kids.

It’s a constant battle with our culture, media, peers, teachers, even my spouse at times.

In our society, it’s the norm to push our kids out the door as babies and toddlers in daycare with underpaid and undermanned teachers, then as preschoolers, elementary kids, middle schoolers, high schoolers off to overcrowded school buildings with frazzled teachers as they’re corralled into same age groups.

We wonder why teens don’t respect us or value our opinions.

Teens (and even some kids and tweens) are more attached to their peers than to adults. It’s the blind leading the blind. We can’t parent teens like we parent small kids who literally need us as parents for survival.

Many of us go against our instincts and better judgment and listen to the “experts” who tell us to let our kids be independent, unattached, cry it out.

Parenthood is above all a relationship, not a skill to be acquired. Attachment is not a behavior to be learned but a connection to be sought.
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld

There’s a line drawn between adults and kids. There’s a bitter battle in western society between adults and kids, and especially teens. Our society teaches that parents are adversaries and kids should rebel. Childism is a real thing as they’re constantly told they’re powerless and voiceless but to hurry up and grow up and be compliant and responsible.

A pathological state of youth, heretofore unrecognized by history, was designed by G. Stanley Hall of Johns Hopkins University. He called it adolescence and debuted the condition in a huge two-volume study of that name, published in 1904. Trained in Prussia as behavioral psychologist Wilhelm Wundt’s first assistant, Hall (immensely influential in school circles at the beginning of the 20th century) identified adolescence as a dangerously irrational state of human growth requiring psychological controls inculcated through schooling.
Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto

Parenting Teens is Tough

Faith

I wasn’t raised in church, so I was a blank slate. I wanted my kids to grow up in church. My husband was Presbyterian, so we tried that in the beginning.

I remember friends doing youth group and hanging out on Sunday and Wednesday nights with their parents and lots of church friends. That sounded so desirable to me.

I wanted my family to have church culture.

Then we moved.

And we moved.

Then we moved again.

I researched and found Independent Baptist, not realizing how fundamentalist it was. We left that after a few years of utter brainwashing.

We tried an inclusive Lutheran church, but when that church got a new LCMS pastor, we left.

When we moved again, we went back to Presbyterian. It was so lukewarm that we left for good.

I’m tired of not fitting in, fighting leadership in pew-warming established cliquey white suburban conservative churches, being transient in new communities.

I don’t value youth groups because it’s not about vertical culture, being taught by mature adults to impressionable youth. It’s more about horizontal culture, peer attachment, and socializing. There is value in that, but kids get more than enough. The church really doesn’t have to mimic society.

Many churches pride themselves of separating families by age groups at the door, and even gender in some places. Babies go to nursery, and kids get corralled to same age classes. Adults are often divided into groups by demographic, interest, or family dynamic. While many think this is great and it’s a sign of the church’s power and affluence to have that much space and the numbers to provide it, but it’s just destroying family values and parent attachment by perpetuating the culture of childism and separation.

My vision of religious culture is different now.

My kids have a faith foundation because we do much reading and working as a family to learn more about love, hope, and church history.

For now, our family has unanimously decided to take a break from church attendance.

Education

We tried homeschooling back in 2005, planning to eventually go back to “normal” but that just never happened.

Homeschooling afforded us so much freedom to travel, explore, learn in new and exciting ways.

Sure, we had some flops with curriculum and co-op, but we learned from it.

As I look back over all the fun experiences we’ve had over the years – in several U.S. states and in Europe, I am amazed.

We were challenged and learned about things we never would have in schools.

If the kids had attended school – public, private, church, DoD, we couldn’t have accomplished so much or been together.

Sometimes, they balk and wish they attended school and fear they’re missing out, but we slog through those difficult feelings.

It’s very difficult to be undermined by “experts” who think fitting into society by attending government school is the only answer to socialization.

The power to parent does not arise from techniques, no matter how well meant, but from the attachment relationship.
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld

I struggle sometimes with providing all the resources for their often fleeting interests and passions. I don’t push hard and sometimes they wish I did and sometimes they wish for me to be even more laidback. It’s never a win-win.

Today, it might be art. Tomorrow it might be guitar. Next week, it’s French.

Military Life

It’s been really hard moving around every few years.

We have few friends, and often only for short periods of time. Family is far away and we don’t even know them anymore.

Incessant transplanting has rendered us anonymous, creating the antithesis to the attachment village.
Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld

This is my biggest regret, but I wouldn’t trade it for permanence in a mediocre place.

We’ve had so many wonderful opportunities we could never have afforded without the military sending us to live in Hawaii and Europe. Even Texas, Utah, and Ohio gave us interesting options. And I accept the bad with the good.

I know as kids get older, they look at other lifestyles and wonder and even sometimes wish for what they could have had. Comparison is hard.

But this life has offered them resilience and many other life skills.

We’re getting tired though.

Parenting

I knew I wanted to raise my kids differently than I was raised.

The fundamentalist evangelical Christian church encourages hitting children to control their behavior and break their “sinful” wills. This is one of the reasons we left church.

We knew there were better ways to parent and we researched and read and realized we had no real role models.

I wish I had known gentle parenting from the beginning, but we live in a Puritanical shaming society that teaches, encourages, and uses abuse in church, school, and home to control children. This is the norm. Anything different gets side-eye from other parents. The mom wars, the judgment.

I have few rules. I expect kindness above all, and that pretty much solves most of the issues that arise in our home. We discuss boundaries and reasons, cause and effect, consequences.

There’s so much more to parenting than controlling screen time, rewards, punishments, tracking teens’ whereabouts through GPS devices, and complaining about their messy rooms.

We’re so often disappointed by others who aren’t kind and don’t understand gentleness and love – other kids, parents, leaders, teachers. It makes us sad.

I’ve made many mistakes as a parent and I am constantly evolving.

Teen brains are still developing. They don’t know how to make the connections between rules and consequences during emergencies. They still need lots of grace and guidance.

Parenting tweens and teens isn’t so much about letting go, as it is about hanging on for the roller coaster ride.

I try really hard not to take things personally. I try to read their mood and not react. I try to remain silent and not offer unsolicited advice.

It hurts when they tell me they don’t appreciate me or my jokes or my history or my reasons.

I’ve learned to accept and think about what they say rather than just waiting to reply.

All parenting is about connection. Attachment.

Health

It’s important to address teen health issues – both physical and mental.

Teens are under so much stress that can affect their health.

Vitamin deficiencies can become prevalent with poor teen or college diet. Fast food and energy drinks are popular, cheaper, and easier than meals.

Physical health issues can mimic many mental health disorders. It’s important to keep up with annual physicals and labs to monitor health.

Girls seem so much more prone to being low in iron, B, and D.

Mental health should be addressed as easily or even more than physical health.

Teens are learning to navigate relationships and it’s often very taxing on their emotions when friendships are troubled or just end.

Depression and anxiety seem to be much more common and should be addressed. Proper coping mechanisms need to be learned.

Professionals can offer resources or even short term meds to help teens and young adults deal with the stress of high school, college, exams, relationships, and identity issues.

Outside and nature time is important. Free play, privacy, and quiet time are important – even for teens. Too many tweens and teens get so busy that they’re indoors all day, every day and it’s not healthy.

While I don’t limit screen time, I do realize social media is a poor replacement for real connection. So I talk to my teens about my concerns and how dangerous the Internet and social media can be. We discuss comparisons and the unreality of the Instamodels and their curated perfection.

We have ongoing age-appropriate discussions about sexuality. This cannot just be a one-time talk about what goes where, and please don’t do it until you’re over 30.

I don’t talk to others about my kids without their permission, and this includes siblings. I don’t post pictures or information about them online without their permission. I don’t go through their rooms or personal items without permission. They are people and have rights to their privacy. (There are times when I would break this rule to protect them and others.)

Trust is important.

I do want them to be able to talk to me about anything, even if it makes me very uncomfortable.

We have family dinners every night. We take evening walks almost every night. We play cards and tabletop games. We read together. We create together. I think balance is key.

I’m a coach, modeling to my kids how to live their best life. They learn to make wise decisions by making mistakes. Failure and natural consequences are the best teachers.

Adult children

When children reach the age of 18, they are considered legal adults and can vote, register for the draft, join the military, drive a car at any time, purchase tobacco products and sex toys.

Kids who are 18 can’t rent a car or hotel room. Some apartments won’t rent to anyone under age 21. Vehicle insurance is exorbitant until the late-20s. Few can be approved for an auto loan at a good rate.

Our society is confusing in that most 18 year olds are still in their last year of high school, having to request permission to use a toilet, but they’re expected to be mature, functioning adult members of society. They’re criticized for everything they do and say and monitored in stores as potential shoplifters, even more so if they’re not white. It’s assumed they can’t function without their faces aglow from the social media apps on their smartphones.

Expectations don’t meet the reality of the stresses teens and young adults face.

Even working full-time at an entry-level job, it is very difficult for young adults to achieve financial independence from parents.

College loans and credit cards are financial traps for young adults.

Without higher education from a technical or trade school, college or university, or apprenticeship, most employers aren’t interested.

It’s frustrating that most jobs my peers and I held as a teen – babysitting, pet sitting, household chores, yard work…aren’t available to teens as many adults vie for these flexible positions and many parents want to hire more qualified and certified adults to watch their children and pets and do their undesirable chores (but not with equal pay).

We invested in 529 plans for each of our children for higher education. We expect them to work part time jobs to make up any differences or to supplement their wants. We encourage them to apply for scholarships and work study programs to offset costs for higher learning. And all this builds character.

As a parent of teens, I must help my children navigate this tumultuous transition into adulthood.

There are so many ups and downs. Our society assumes that arguments and strife is normal, but it doesn’t have to be. Relationships evolve over time. I am still a mother and I still have children, though they’re older, hopefully wiser, and have more freedoms. And I can’t take things personally. I have to take a step back and remember when I was their age. I am here to assist and coach.

If you want to have a good relationship with your teenagers, you need to begin developing that relationship when the kids are very young.

Parents who control young children and treat them harshly won’t magically have great open relationships with their teens. Once they reach the ability to think abstractly, they will naturally questions rules and seek to be independent and authoritarian parents can’t handle that. Threats and punishments often backfire. Creating a prison of home doesn’t make anyone want to cooperate. Then parents want to take the easy way out and give up, shipping kids to relatives or military school, or something drastic.

Trust doesn’t just happen overnight. You can’t be a rule-cracking authoritarian and long for warm embraces and meaningful conversations from a distant and hesitant teen.

You develop trust from babyhood, working, failing, struggling, apologizing, loving – and doing it all over. Yes, it’s exhausting, and it can be heartbreaking, but it’s the most rewarding thing in the world.

Parenting teens requires diligence, consistency, honesty, forgiveness, and patience.

Linking up: Blogghetti, Welcome Heart, Modest Mom, Kingdom Bloggers, Love My Cottage, Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, Kippi at Home, Home Stories, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Mary Geisen, InstaEncouragments, Purposeful Faith, Twinkly Tues, Home Away, Our Three Peas, Sarah Frazer, Anchored Abode, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Welcome Heart, My Life Abundant, Wise Woman, Girlish Whims, Fluster Buster, Gingersnap Crafts, Penny’s Passion, Apron Strings, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, Over the Moon, TFT, CKK, Try it Like it, Quiet Homemaker, Answer is Choco, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, SITS Girls, OMHG, Pieced Pastimes, Fireman’s Wife, Grandma’s Ideas, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith, Flour Me with Love,

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How to Control Your Spiritual Growth

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September 12, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

For anyone who has faith, spiritual growth is often a goal. How do you grow with your spirituality? The answers are easier than you might think.

Consider these tips to continue your personal growth through faith.

Stay Open-Minded

When you close your mind off to your faith, you halt all of the progress. You need to be open to new ideas, to be provide yourself with a clear path forward. Consider groups like The Way International to open the door for you to learn new things. Religion, faith, and spirituality are not about remaining stagnant. The point is to grow as a person. You should open yourself up to teachings and to new interpretations. Do not be afraid to question and explore your faith. When you close yourself off to your beliefs for any reason, you can lose your sense of self. You may feel like you aren’t growing with your religion or faith. This is not the fault of the spirituality but instead a problem with closing your mind off.

Balance Your Life

If your life is unbalanced, you might find progress in all areas to be difficult. For instance, if you are never pushing yourself to learn, then you may find that you don’t progress. Likewise, if all you focus on is your work, then you are putting no effort towards your spiritual growth. If you have balance in your life, then you won’t burn out as quickly. You can focus on growing in your faith, without worrying that you are ignoring other areas of your life. In fact, your faith should be a foundation for all areas of your life.

Keep Learning

Along with staying open-minded, you want to keep learning about your faith. This can be as simple as attending studies or meeting with people to talk about your faith. There is always something to learn. The more time you spend learning, the more knowledge you will gain. It doesn’t matter if you’re seeking personal growth or spiritual growth. The second that you stop learning, you cannot grow more. If you want to continue down the path of growth, then you need to learn new things. Until then, do things to help maintain balance.

Don’t Try Too Hard

Do not focus all your time and effort into growing in your faith. It should come naturally. Your beliefs should shape your life and you should not focus on your goals. Instead, keep in mind that your faith is what teaches you and you will progress with your faith as long as you are open to progression. While you can make goals to treat people the way that your faith teaches or to live in a way that your faith gives you examples of, you should never stress yourself.

Don’t be afraid of spiritual growth. No matter how far along on your faith-based journey that you are, there is always room to grow. When you focus on opening yourself up for growth and to learn new things, you can continue your spiritual journey.

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Top Home Upgrades That Provide a Good Return on Investment

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September 11, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Home improvement projects can be good investments of your time and money, especially if you choose the right ones. While there are countless things you can choose to change or upgrade in your home, some projects offer more benefits than others. You may want to focus on projects that can increase the value of your home and improve your own quality of life. Here are some home improvement options that can provide excellent immediate and long-term advantages.

1. Install a Water Softener

You may not think often about the quality of your water, but it can have a significant impact on your health and the longevity of your home’s appliances and plumbing. The systems that water softener companies Columbus offer may reduce the wear and tear on your home’s pipes and eliminate the minerals that can leave deposits on laundry and sinks. Softening your home’s water can also reduce dry skin.

2. Build a Deck

Adding a deck or patio to your home can provide you with additional space to relax, cook and entertain. A deck can also improve your home’s resale value. There are several different deck materials to choose from, and each one offers unique aesthetic and durability benefits. You could improve your deck with unique features such as an outdoor kitchen, built-in seating or an awning.

3. Finish the Basement

A basement can serve many purposes. You may use yours to store boxes, access your furnace or do laundry. However, a finished basement can provide additional benefits and greatly increase your home’s value. The size and layout of your basement may provide many options, such as adding a bedroom, bathroom, recreational room or home office.

4. Renovate a Bathroom

Most bathrooms don’t take up a large amount of square footage, so renovation projects are often quick and affordable. You can completely change the look of a bathroom with a coat of paint, a new light fixture and an updated faucet. An upgraded bathroom can make your home more marketable if you ever choose to sell. Even if you don’t plan to sell your home soon, upgrading the master bath can improve your quality of life.

The right home improvement project can make you more comfortable in your daily life and increase your chances of getting a good price if you ever sell your house. Some projects that offer a good return on investment include building a deck, upgrading a bathroom, finishing the basement and installing a water softener system.

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Learning to Spell

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September 9, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 5 Comments

I have never placed the emphasis on spelling that I think schools do.

With today’s technology for spell check and autofill, I just don’t feel that spelling is the most important skill for me to focus on with teaching my children.

I don’t like separating spelling from reading.

We read aloud and together and we complete vocabulary workbooks, but we don’t do any kind of formal weekly spelling lists like I did in elementary school.

Phonics or Whole Language?

Does anyone remember this reading war in the 1980s?

Read some results from the reading wars.

Consider this: during WWII, American public schools—first in urban areas, then everywhere—were converted from phonetic ways of instruction (the ancient “alphabet system”) to non-phonetic methods which involved memorizing whole word units, and lots of guessing for unfamiliar words. Whites had been learning to read at home for 300 years the old-fashioned way—matching spoken sounds to written letters—and white homes preserved this tool even when schools left it behind. There was a resource available to whites which hardly existed for blacks. During slavery, blacks had been forbidden to learn to read; as late as 1930 they averaged only three to four years of schooling. When teachers stopped teaching a phonetic system—known to work—blacks had no fallback position.
Weapons of Mass Instruction by John Taylor Gatto

I think many children missed out when teachers, curriculum advisors, education “experts” decided that memorizing sounds and words was more important than sounding out syllables and building words.

Phonics is a way of decoding written letters and spoken sounds. This approach to learning to read encourages children to decode words by sounds, rather than by recognising whole words. In the early years, teaching focuses on synthetic phonics, where words are broken up into the smallest units of sound (phonemes).

Chunking is a reading strategy that helps increase reading fluency by having readers look for chunks or patterns within a word that they recognize so they do not need to sound out every letter.

Whole language is an approach to learning that sees language as a whole entity, and writing, speaking, reading, and listening should be integrated when learned. In whole language, learning is built upon the real experiences and background knowledge of the learner.

The Orton-Gillingham Approach is a direct, explicit, multisensory, structured, sequential, diagnostic, and prescriptive way to teach literacy when reading, writing, and spelling. This approach is research-based, not evidence-based. This is an important distinction. Evidence based programs means that there have been studies (typically a randomized-controlled trial) that report on the program’s effectiveness for the target population compared to another instructional approach.

I think kids need all the resources and tools in order to read fluently.

If left alone, most kids will learn to read on their own, without long winded techniques, textbooks, workbooks, spelling lists, standardized tests, or shaming from teachers, peers, siblings, and parents.

It’s ridiculous to force a learning timeline on children to read by a certain age. Each child progresses at his or her own rate and will read when ready.

Spelling Tips and Tools

Visual meaning

Orthographic meaning is picturing something inside your head.

Most of us can picture in our minds a very detailed ice cream cone when we are asked.

What does yours look like? Mine is chocolate almond on a sugar cone. I can see it in my mind’s eye, smell it, and imagine the flavor and feel in my mouth.

Some children and even adults struggle to visualize everyday objects or concepts. They don’t even know this is a problem.

Most kids progress with visualization and eventually use this skill to take word pictures in their minds.

Logographic meaning is making sense of words and pictures. Maybe you remember when you made the connection between a written word and its meaning. I had trouble realizing that “immediately” wasn’t pronounced emma-date-lee.

It’s also important to realize that spacing represents words and punctuation separates phrases and sentences.

Spelling Curriculum, Games, and Toys

We love all the hands-on and Montessori tools and toys.

Backward or reverse chaining

By letter or by syllable for more advanced. We can highlight the hard parts.

We like to use colored pencils and make rainbow words.

Say the word. Then write the word, saying each letter.
- W – O – R – D
Skip a line and say it and write it again — minus the last letter. Say the last letter, but don’t write it.
- W – O – R – ____
Skip a line and say it and write it again — minus the last two letters. Say them, but don’t write them.
- W – O – ___ ____

Spelling trains

Read a word aloud and write it down.

Using the last letter in the first word, write another word beginning with that last letter. Continue the “spelling train” using the last letter of words.

Extend the lesson by making up harder “rules” like words have to have at least 5 letters or 3 syllables. We even do this out loud for ultimate difficulty.

Trace, copy, and recall

Make three columns on paper. Here’s a nifty printable chart.

Say the word.
Trace the word.
Copy the word.
Recall or spell the word.

Counting Letters

To help visualize, hold up both hands and count out the letters in a word on fingers.

You’re essentially assigning a letter to each finger and number.

L-E-A-R-N-I-N-G

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8

L1 is my left pinky finger and G8 is my right middle finger.

We play this game by saying a word, counting out the letters, saying a number, then the letter that corresponds to that number. We do this until we know the word backwards and forwards.

Word Families

My girls liked working through printables with word blends, word ladders, and sight words.

Notebooking

Montessori Spelling Task Cards

Spelling You See

Spelling You See was a lot of busy work and we only used the first book. It was a different approach than we’ve ever seen.

Logic of English

Read our reviews:

Spelling Workout

My girls have completed the series of Spelling Workout vocabulary workbooks. My son is about halfway through. They’re more than just spelling. Each lesson is 2-5 pages with puzzles, vocabulary, editing lessons, paragraph writing exercises, definitions, handwriting.