Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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What if I die?

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My parents had me pretty late for the times. They were 35 in 1976, had been married for about thirteen years. They were set in their ways. I was unwelcome as an upset to the schedule even though they assure me I was desperately wanted.

I have mourned my parents since I was about eight years old. I worried about what would happen to me if my parents died before I was 18. I knew in a macabre sense that I would forever have no one to help me and it would be super hard when my parents got older.

Being an only child of aging parents is tough.

It’s been a long time since I lived nearby and the relationship has never been anything but toxic.

Sixteen years is a long time to live away and only have a few emails to maintain a relationship that’s passive aggressive at best and narcissistic at worst. The most recent email was an admonishment from my mother that she doesn’t know my kids, doesn’t talk to them, only knows what I tell her. She doesn’t even pay attention to what I tell her and seldom comments on any pictures I send. Why must I make all the effort?

My parents ignored me in a little tantrum for several months last year and I worried: how would I even know if they got sick or injured?

It makes me sad and also a little bit scared.

My parents turn 80 next year. They live in a HUGE 3-story house and are still independent, but I wonder how long that will last and what could happen in a blink of an eye. They’re vaccinated, but they live in Georgia and there aren’t any protections in place and they live as though we are not in an international crisis.

Time is running out for healing a broken relationship.

What if I get COVID-19?

I never thought I would really have to plan or worry about what would happen to my family if my husband or I get chronically ill, hospitalized, or died. I mean, we plan for these possibilities with wills, POA, legal paperwork, insurance, investments. We surely hope it never has to be used while the children are young. But the reality with COVID-19 and the political climate means that I have to think about it more as a probability.

Our will states my parents and my husband’s two sisters as next of kin, but that doesn’t ease my mind at all. My parents are old and my husband’s sisters have their own busy families. None of these people share my values at all.

While I feel assured my family would be ok long-term because of our financial planning, that doesn’t help me with the thoughts of how would they cope emotionally and psychologically or in the short-term.

My husband and I, and our three older kids, are all vaccinated and wear masks when we leave the house.

My husband works full-time, in a medical laboratory facility. He’s frontline and knows the statistics and risks. I’ve been very frightened for years what he could be exposed to or bring home. We did get H1N1 a couple years ago, even with the flu shot.

I’m the one who usually goes to the stores to buy groceries. I’m putting myself at risk every time I leave the house. Yes, I know I could use pickup or delivery services, but that has other issues. My greatest fear is asphyxiation. The thought of me contracting a deadly respiratory virus and possibly being hospitalized and intubated while quarantined, isolated, and alone is terrifying to me. I lie awake at night considering if I might have been exposed. Is that cramp the beginning? Did I just feel a tiny shortness of breath? Is my chest tightening? Is this COVID or anxiety or allergies? Will I be ambulanced away or dropped off at the ER and not be able to say goodbye to my family? The irony of my functional depression and constant suicide ideation is not lost on me as I realize I don’t want to die…like that.

I have food anxiety and constantly worry about stocking up on essentials and stress about my kids eating healthy meals and having snacks and enough sports drinks to stay hydrated. I worry even more what would happen if they had to somehow fend for themselves for a long period of time if I got sick or had to be hospitalized.

I’m terrified of my kids contracting the virus. How do we quarantine one in our house so the rest are safe? What if I have to leave my child alone in the hospital?

While my eldest is on her own, working fulltime and living with friends, she is still in a liminal space in her young life and I worry constantly about her wellbeing. A coworker just tested positive and my daughter caught a bad cold and we all held our breath until her COVID test showed “no detection.”

We have always homeschooled. My middle kids will be on the cusp of completing their academics and approaching graduation time in the next two years. While there is still a lot of paperwork for the state and hoops to jump through for them to enter college early, I don’t have so many worries about their education.

My son is only 11 and cannot be vaccinated yet. We’re planning a freaking family birthday party at our local drugstore for when he turns 12 and can get the shot. I’m only sort of joking.

The kids lost their neighborhood friends when some continued to play together while we were in lockdown and one teen boy decided it was the perfect time to inform us that all Muslims are terrorists and all LGBTQ will go to hell.

I worry how he would survive in a school environment or how he could continue homeschooling if something happened to his dad or me. How would his siblings be able to help or handle it?

We were never meant to live in perpetual crisis.

I chose to settle in suburbia so my kids could grow up in safety and peace and have a little nature to play in like I did when I was a child.

I feel lost, alone, scared, betrayed.

I can’t protect my kids from a society intent on killing its less valuable citizens.

I am enraged by people living in complacency or outright denial that there is a vast plague affecting the vulnerable populations around the world. I cannot fathom that governments and individuals really think it’s acceptable to sacrifice children, elderly, others who are most at risk of contracting and getting very ill or dying from this virus.

We are witnessing the collapse of our society like the slow motion fall of Rome while too many people cry that they just want to “return to normal” because that was comfortable for them and they benefited too well from that normal that was anything but normal for many.

We have the opportunity to improve our society, and correct past wrongs that have been highlighted by the too brief COVID shutdowns, but that seems like a fleeting pipe dream as we realize our rights are being reneged after decades, people are evicted and homeless and jobless, schools aren’t updating nor protecting our young, and we’re sacrificing our disrespected elderly to the gods of capitalism.

I am horrified but also feel paralyzed and helpless.

While I do believe that one person can help make a difference, I feel like a tiny teardrop in a bucket full of holes.

Too many financially stable and comfortable people who do care just a little only want to donate a little money or their used clothes and closet cleanouts and feel better about themselves, like that really helps anyone who needs help.

The social media posts from naysaying parents who don’t want their kids “controlled by politics, having to wear masks in school, nor live in fear” are just raising another generation of selfish and hateful people. My daughter takes a gymnastics class with a friend whose sister has COVID. Contact tracing and waiting and quarantine has us all in a panic, as we monitor every sniffle, sneeze, scratch in the throat.

I am perhaps not as shocked as I could be that many Christians are living like they’re going to be rescued by God despite not taking any precautions and showing their disdain for everyone else who is. I don’t think that’s the way it works. A deadly virus not a bipartisan or religious issue.

Vaccine mandates are really bringing out the worst in some people. They would rather quit their jobs than get a shot. And some of these people are in service and health industries, which makes me even sadder.

I am infuriated by all the people traveling, vacationing, going to church, concerts, and restaurants – like everything is not literally on fire and people are dying. They live in a different world.

I don’t want to see the fucking selfish blog posts and social media images of the beach vacations or restaurant dining. These people are putting everyone at risk as they pretend everything is fine.

I am disgusted by social media images of 13 beers on restaurant tables with cheerfully unmasked diners – as our children are hospitalized while politicians ridicule and deny anyone who fears a deadly virus and also refusing refugees any humanity and taking away human rights from women. My grandfather, father, and husband didn’t put on a uniform and serve their country for a publicity stunt.

People confuse patriotism with nationalism and only pick and choose who they deem worthy of honor.

We need systemic changes.

Linking up: Pinch of Joy, House on Silverado, Grammy’s Grid, Random Musings, Anita Ojeda, Anchored Abode, Suburbia, InstaaEncouragements, April Harris, Pam’s Party, Shelbee on the Edge, LouLou Girls, Mostly Blogging, Jenerally Informed, OMHG, Pieced Pastimes, LEO Wife, Thistle Key Lane, Ridge Haven, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap, Ducks in a Row, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Imparting Grace, Slices of Life, Cottage Market, Being a Wordsmith, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Cottage Market, Hubbard Home, Modern Monticello, Simply Beautiful, Create with Joy,

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Consent

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Teaching consent to our kids is one of the most important lessons.

We should begin practicing and teaching consent with babies, but it’s never too late.

Gentle and respectful parenting is about consent and respecting kids as the people they are – with needs, preferences, and desires just like adults.

Even though I had little autonomy as a child, teen, or even young adult, I want to do better with my kids and model and teach them consent in all their relationships.

I didn’t do the greatest as a gentle parent until about ten years ago, so my eldest got the brunt of my outgrowing my own childishness and trauma. My middle two kids don’t have much memory of the bad times and my youngest is the healthiest by far.

Consent and control cannot coexist.

I find myself constantly reevaluating how I can show respect to my children.

I have edited and updated my blog and social media to exclude photos and stories about my children than they would rather I not share. I don’t post photos of my kids without their consent anymore. I do not share explicit stories about my kids’ troubles or our family troubles without clearing it with my family first. Yes, I think some info is helpful to others who may face the same issues, but it’s a touchy subject and I should use discretion.

Kids are not a hashtag nor should they be exploited online for clicks, likes, clout.

What does teaching and modeling consent look like?

Pets

Having pets or access to pets is a great way to model and teach consent. Animals surely let us know when they are done with us or don’t like something.

We teach even our youngest kids how to gently pet the cat, to be quiet and less sudden so as not to scare the cat. Kids learn about pets’ eating and bathroom habits and how to leave them alone to do that. This is easily transferrable to people and respecting their space.

Some pets are more anxious than others and it’s important not to leave very young kids alone with animals, even if you think you know them well.

Infants

Since infants don’t have any autonomy and can only make eye contact and sounds, it’s important to speak to our babies and narrate what we are doing to their bodies so they can begin to understand that we care for them with love and respect.

We can gently tell our babies that we are picking them up so they associate the words with the action. We can inform them that it is time for a diaper change. We can explain that we need to gently wipe nose, mouth, face. We can make it a game to undress or dress for bathtime or changing time as we talk about body parts that we tuck into sleeves or massage with oils.

Toddlers

This is probably a difficult time but oh, so important to model and discuss consent.

Toddlers learn and love the word, “No!” and use it often. It’s very upsetting to buckle a child into a carseat when she doesn’t want to do that.

We teach that NO is never a game. No means NO. We stop tickling or wrestling or playing and we teach new ways to play games like Freeze Tag or Red Light Green Light without making No a game or funny word.

Many times, the toddler doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing to get the diaper changed. We have to give firm choices of only two options like, now or after this song. We can explain that it’s important for health and everyone’s happiness that carseats are always used and diapers are changed. We as adults might need to be more flexible and allow more time or change of plans if the child is unwilling or needs to wait.

Kids know if they’re hot or cold and it’s wise to take extra clothing along just in case. And they will often realize they need that coat or hat after all in a few minutes. Children know when they’re hungry so it’s wise not to coax them to eat more and not listen to their bodies. When they get sleepy, it’s often needed to be patient and close by with young kids who are learning how to self-soothe. We can give kids agency by offering choices like what story to read at bedtime or what snack to have.

Much of consent with toddlers is teaching the concepts of body, space, and touch. Also, showing empathy to kids and modeling emotional intelligence instead of distracting from healthy emotions, even if we as a society view those feelings as negative or uncomfortable. When a child falls or gets hurt, we can express that we understand. We are here. We permit the tears so they can move on from the pain, whether physical or embarrassment or both.

Elementary

Once kids reach school age, it’s easier to communicate and impart another’s viewpoint. Kids are naturally empathetic and want to please.

Kids need to learn the difference between secrets and surprises. We have to model and teach safety to young kids so they know there should be no secrets. Teaching kids blind obedience opens up ways for abuse if they have no outlet to question or negotiate. Bodies are our own and we don’t owe anyone hugs, kisses, fist bumps, handshakes, or any contact at all. As parents, we must protect our kids from overreaching family members and friends who do not understand this.

Kids learn personal space and respect by seeing it modeled by the adults they trust. Teaching boundaries is essential. Learning about tone of voice and body language becomes important.

I speak firmly and clearly to my kids when I need a moment and they learn that I am nearby and they are safe. They learn that people have needs to be alone or together, quiet or loud, at different times.

Interruptions are harsh for kids, so it’s wise to give warnings about cleaning up and getting ready a few minutes beforehand. I also like to help my kids with overwhelming chores so they don’t feel so lost and get discouraged.

Tweens

Please do not wait until kids are over ten to discuss sex ed. This should be an ongoing conversation and surely kids are curious about some aspects as young as toddlers and preschoolers. If you have triggers or hangups about sex, you need to work to overcome that so you can discuss the hard topics with your kids.

Consent is so much more than just about sex.

Even if the concept of consent is newer to you or you didn’t model it so well with the kids when they were younger, you can make up for the lost time and start anew.

I’m learning and growing alongside my kids and reading, reading, reading so much as preview and with my kids now.

It’s important to be open to messy conversations about relationships, dating, and sex. It’s certainly time to discuss sexual harassment and assault. We need to discuss substance use and abuse and its role in consent.

We can practice responses about boundaries so kids have an internal script.

We watch shows together that often have cringey scenes and we discuss why and what should be different. They don’t really like to see violence or sex on screen and I try to brace them if the show is still good enough and only has a few scenes that forward the story line.

Teens

It’s go time.

Everything we have done as parents is now being tested out in the real world. We cannot be there as a protective parent all the time anymore, and that is oh, so scary.

Teens are exploring and navigating relationships outside the family, with friends and potential significant others.

It’s important that we as parents stand by as guides and not judges. By building trust, we are here to help our teens work out issues in their relationships and help them make wise decisions.

Consent isn’t just for straight boys. We need to help our kids understand the importance of consent in all their interactions and relationships. It’s about more than just sex.

We need to have hard conversations with our kids and if sex cannot be discussed with proper words for body parts and functions, then no one should be doing it.

There needs to be clear verbal consent each and every time there is any intimacy.

It might be a good time for self-defense classes.

Adults

The human brain isn’t fully developed until about age 25.

Hopefully, young adults grow in wisdom and respect and model healthy relationships to those around them.

With so many different kinds of relationships being acceptable, it’s super important to be clear with consent and boundaries.

I’m still modeling consent and having conversations with my eldest child who is about to turn 21.

I’m rather glad I don’t have to navigate the dating scene anymore and I’m worried for my four kids and what they may encounter and how they can handle it.

As parents, we need to protect young ones from overreaching adults – family members, friends, and acquaintances who may overstep and demand contact that our kids aren’t interested or ready for. Our kids don’t owe anyone access to their bodies – not grandpa, grandma, aunts, uncles, or the elderly at church.

I’ve found myself becoming hyper-aware of adults invading kids’ space. Why did the eye doctor have to lean on my child’s knee to adjust the equipment or touch my son’s shirt in jest to make his inappropriate joke? I also notice when adults are very respectful and I make sure to thank them.

It’s important to set boundaries and continue to communicate clearly about needs.

Hopefully, we can help the next generations do even better with consent.

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Resources:

What does consent look like in your family?

Linking up: House on Silverado, Pinch of Joy, Eclectic Red Barn, Grammy’s Grid, Random Musings, Suburbia, Stroll Thru Life, Shelbee on the Edge, Across the Blvd, LouLou Girls, Jenerally Informed, OMHG, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Create with Joy, Thistle Key Lane, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap, Ducks in a Row, Anchored Abode, InstaEncouragements, Penny’s Passion, Eclectic Red Barn, Ridge Haven, Slices of Life, Try it Like it, Soaring with Him, Answer is Choco, Imparting Grace, Busy Being Jennifer, Being a Wordsmith, Pieced Pastimes, Momfessionals, Mostly Blogging,

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Relaxed Homeschool Schedule

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When I began homeschooling my eldest back in 2005, I thought we needed lots of structure, routine, and a strict schedule. We were coming out of a school mindset and it took a while to learn how to relax and plan and live the homeschool life.

We’ve shifted our schedule so many ways over the years with babies, toddlers, moving across the country and world. There were years when I tutored to make some extra money. I’ve provided my kids with reading lists, daily and weekly checklists, worksheets. We have homeschooled year round most years and other years, taken a long summer break. Some years, we only have a few weeks of a summer break or just a very short, vague transition into a new history cycle.

We have probably done everything in the name of productivity.

I’m more about prioritizing rest and being stress-free these days. I don’t want my kids to be anxious over school work, tests, jobs, or anything else that society claims is more important than rest, physical and mental health.

Now that we’ve been educating at home for over sixteen years, it’s pretty streamlined and more comfortable. I do love having big kids and teens who are more independent. My children have a voice in their schedule and education and life and we want to help them budget their time wisely.

Alas, the days when our academics were done before lunch are long gone. Nowadays, we do blocks of academic work with several breaks – in the mornings, before and after lunch, before and after dinner. I’m more interested in flow and the kids having free time to relax and create.

We don’t limit screens. We offer a huge variety of activities and options in our home for creativity, hobbies, and more.

Relaxed Homeschool Schedule

This year, we are focusing on Year 2 in our history cycle.

Morning

I don’t set alarms unless we have appointments. I try not to make appointments in the mornings.

The kids and I wake up whenever we do so naturally.

I provide a hot breakfast every weekday morning. Dad does weekend duty. I have a pot of Yorkshire Gold tea.

I give the cats their little snack inside little mouse toys. I refill the bird feeders. I check the garden. I unload the dishwasher and start laundry.

After everyone is awake and fed, I do read alouds. I usually have a stack of history, literature, living books that I read for each unit of our curriculum.

Depending on how late it is, I have instituted “science time before lunch” to ensure it gets done. They’re each doing a different science, so they have to work more independently and ask for help as needed. If they need to eat first, they know they need to do their science right after lunch. Sometimes, they have questions for Dad later.

We’re flexible.

Afternoon

The kids usually have leftovers or organic semi-homemade ramen for lunch. I usually have a protein smoothie. The kids watch a show or play video games during lunchtime.

I encourage the kids to rest during and after lunch, but not for too long.

Language time is early afternoon. Latin, Greek, Russian, whatever is interesting.

I do have individual reading and writing assignments that the kids are responsible for in history and literature and they have to fit those in how and when they can. I help them budget their time and some weeks, we work through weekends or finish up later or take two weeks if we need it.

The kids have lately asked to do chores for pay and even created little charts for themselves. My son just wants his pay direct to the Pokemon app. The middle kids want theirs direct deposited monthly into their accounts. I love that they’re helping more and learning about money.

The kids have some extracurriculars in late afternoons/early evenings: art class, aerial arts, baseball practice. Saturdays, one takes ice skating lessons. I usually drop the kids off and use that hour to run errands or even get in a quick workout at a nearby park outside. Sometimes, I just sit in the minivan and read.

Evening

Dad usually works on math and some science with the kids when he gets home from work.

I try to have a nice homecooked dinner for the family every night. Some nights are getting difficult with baseball and extracurricular classes. I still make something in the slow cooker or a casserole so everyone can eat when they can.

Friday nights are for homemade pizza and movies.

I like to walk around our neighborhood pond in the evenings. It’s a great way to unwind and I love seeing the birds and bunnies, and sometimes deer.

Bedtime is around ten and all devices are plugged in away from bedrooms and WiFi is turned off by midnight so we sleep better.

I still read to my son a story each night.

Our Schedule Through the Years

What’s your schedule look like?

Linking up: Pam’s Party, Pieced Pastimes, Create with Joy, Stroll Thru Life, Jenerally Informed, Shelbee on the Edge, OMHG, Suburbia, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Across the Blvd, Pinch of Joy, House on Silverado, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Mostly Blogging, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap, Random Musings, Eclectic Red Barn, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Thistle Key Lane, Embracing Unexpected, Debbie Kitterman, CWJ, Imparted Grace, Mummpreneur, Hubbard Home, Penny’s Passion, Cottage Market, Wordsmith, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Slices of Life, Anchored Abode, Moment with Franca, Pam’s Party, Ridge Haven Homestead, Artful Mom, Grammy’s Grid,

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How to Make Your Home Feel More Welcoming To Guests

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Creating a house that feels like a home is a lifelong endeavor. Half of the fun of owning your own home is creating an atmosphere that you and your guests feel comfortable in. The home itself is the perfect expression of what you value as a homeowner, be that decor, comfort, color, or a mixture of all three. Letting your taste be expressed while also maintaining a relaxing atmosphere for you and your guests is one of the best ways to decorate your home. If you’re looking for tips on how to create more comfort in your home, this article is for you. 

Keep It Smelling Great 

Even if your house is as beautifully designed as possible, a sour-smelling room will always kill the atmosphere for new guests immediately. Everyone is familiar with the strange house smell, so it’s important to remove this as a potential vibe killer. Old houses, stale smoke, and pet dander are just some of the scents guests pick up on when first entering a home. If you want to avoid the awkward sniffs and questionable looks from guests, it’s a good idea to concentrate on making your home smell and feel pleasant and clean for your guests. If you want to freshen up your home, the first priority should be a deep clean. Deep cleaning the home and adding a whole house air freshener is an excellent option to give your home a wonderful scent without overpowering the senses. Guests will appreciate avoiding unwelcoming smells, and you’ll feel much more comfortable in your home knowing that it looks and smells great to new guests. 

Add a Fresh Coat of Paint 

If you have a big family, you’re likely already aware of how easy it is for the walls to get messy. Paint over a few years old commonly collects scuff marks, dirt, and difficult-to-remove mystery stains. To avoid the dingy look of years old paint, keep your home looking fresh by adding a new coat of paint. It might even be a good time to reconsider your paint choices and opt for a brighter or lighter paint for a fresher and more calming atmosphere in the home. Not only will a fresh paint of coat make your home look and feel cleaner, but it’s a great way to restyle a room on a budget. 

Style With New Decor 

If all else fails and your home still feels like it still needs a sprucing up, it may be time to invest in different decor. Try rearranging your furniture to fit a different style, and create spaces for more people to sit. Depending on the number of guests you usually have over and the kind of activities you’ll engage in with your guests, it may be a good idea to concentrate on the specific rooms that you’ll use the most when guests are over. Have a ton of foodie friends? Concentrate on sprucing up the kitchen and dining room to accommodate more guests. Kitchens, living rooms, and dining rooms are all party favorites, so concentrate your efforts on creating more space where people can flow freely from one room to the other.

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My Daily Must Haves

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I scrolled through several blogger posts about daily must haves.

Most days, I lounge around in comfy clothes and I don’t wear makeup every day.

Thinking about my restful daily schedule, I have a few necessities that make my life healthier and happier.

My Daily Must Haves

Yorkshire Gold Tea

I love my water cooker. I drink two big mugs of Yorkshire Gold Tea every morning with raw sugar and milk.

Google Pixel

I love Google calendar to stay organized with our family of 6. We color code everyone so I know who needs to be where. This phone has a great camera!

iPad Mini

I love the Kindle app and it helps me keep organized with library eBooks and homeschool reading.

Essential Oils

We love our essential oils and I use them for diffusing, tummyaches, headaches, skin ailments, sinus pressure, perfume. My favorite perfume is a blend of neroli and elemi with vanilla.

Vitamins and Supplements

We all take cod liver oil and multivitamins. I love the hair skin and nails blend. We do try to eat well with lots of vegetables, but these supplement our diet and help us have the daily energy we need to be healthy.

Reef Slippers

I love, love, love my Reef flip flops. I have an old pair I wear around indoors during summer and several pretty pairs to wear when I go out.

Brow Gel

I love e.l.f Wow Brow Gel since I’ve noticed I have little white brow hairs! How rude of them to go all Andy Rooney.

What are your daily must haves?

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Confidence

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Years ago, I was searching and wondering if I was on the right path.

My kids were very young. I felt worthless, exhausted, and mostly a failure in all aspects of my life.

I went to university to become an English teacher. I sailed through a master’s in education, then got a job teaching high school English. I was able to teach two semesters of college writing as an adjunct and it was a dream that shattered when we had to move out of state. I never returned for that coveted Ph.D.

I left the world of academia to be a stay at home mom, homeschooling my four kids. To many, I was considered a failure.

I grew up in a time that mere mothers were ridiculed (and I think they still are). The Supermom had to do it all – career, marriage, family, extensive social engagements, church, charity.

It’s too much.

It seemed like so many women had it all together, seemed at peace with their place in life, had a successful life doing whatever they were called to do.

I struggle. I feel like I am fighting something or someone all the time.

It took me many years to figure out my priorities as a parent and homeschool mom. I still have moments, days, weeks, seasons of doubt.

When we first began homeschooling, I made so many mistakes. I didn’t know really how to begin. I looked to other homeschool moms who had perhaps been homeschooled themselves or who had older kids and had been homeschooling them for years.

I questioned everything. I questioned my abilities as a mother and teacher. Even though I had gone to college for education and earned an M.Ed., I didn’t feel confident teaching my own kids for a very long time.

Some wives and mothers I knew who did not homeschool felt the need to speak up about how they thought it should be done. And many homeschool parents criticized me for not doing it their way.

I was criticized for answering the phone during the day or running errands with or without kids in tow. I was told to just get a nanny for the babies so I could be social. Or that I should do more for the kids and less for myself, that I was selfish to want any time or self care.

I’ve been criticized for attending church, not attending church, reading the wrong books or watching the wrong media.

Eyebrows raised over what I did and didn’t let my kids do.

So I’ve been told my entire life that I am just wrong. After so long of being told all these things, I started to believe it. And it wore me down and I got depressed and anxious. Then they want to throw pills at me and tell me it’s all my fault anyway, something wrong with my brain chemistry.

I worried about fitting in with the moms who seemed to have it all together. They look like magazine models and their kids seem perfect and their husbands and parents are proud and doting. Theses moms have lots of friends and social engagements, but somehow seem never rushed or stressed. How did they do it? Why did they do it? It was like Stepford and did I really want to be like that?

Would I ever get to that point of confidence?

After a women’s conference years ago, I met up with a group having breakfast at the airport before flights. I asked a very well-known Christian homeschool mom, author, and speaker if we ever get to that point of…

And she cut me off with an emphatic “NO!”

I was shook at her attitude, her rudeness, her anxiety. This lady is supposed to be a mentor to other wives and moms? Her curated perfection on social media, in her speaking engagements, and in her books seem all lies compared to her real self shown to us in that airport.

Almost ten years later, I want to understand where she was coming from, but I’m not even sure what she meant. That we are always a work in progress? But her delivery overshadowed any lesson she was trying to impart.

Some of the most self-conscious, cynical people I’ve met are self-professed Christians.

Forget about your life situation for a while and pay attention to your life. Your life situation exists in time—your life is now.

Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Confidence means many things to different people.

To me, confidence means becoming unashamedly more of myself.

I’ve been told that I appear confident. But they mean intimidating.

Why is it that confident women are considered brash, angry, hostile, arrogant, aggressive?

I am quiet. I am not shy. I am introverted. I do not have social anxiety. I think carefully before I speak. I observe.

I have felt a vast shift since I hit my 40s.

I am less concerned about what people think of me – my appearance, my parenting style, my kids’ dyed hair.

This summer, I bought new clothes that I never felt I could wear before: shorts, sleeveless tops. I am not ashamed of my thighs and arms. I spent most of my youth desperate for my body to change and when it never really did get curvy, I was so disappointed. I’ve never had a flat tummy or a big chest and that combo is unfortunate in our society and both women and men humiliated me for not looking like they thought I should. I’ve had so many ask if I’m pregnant because I’m thin all over but with this round soft tummy. I will never look like a magazine model and that’s ok.

I know that I am not stupid. I am not uneducated, but I still have so much to learn and I try to be humble and not insert myself where I am not wanted or needed. I trust my intuition more now. I made lots of mistakes with my kids and I am making amends now. I am ending generational trauma and healing my own self. I love seeing my kids become who they are meant to be – dyed hair, piercings, tattoos, unique clothing, whatever.

I wasn’t allowed to express myself and it’s good to see my kids live free.

I’m remembering who I am, who I was when I was a little girl, before I got stifled, and I feel more safety to express myself now.

I have long straight mousy blonde hair. I even have a few silver streaks. I’m tired of going to salons where they want to make me look like everyone else. I’d rather have dirty tomato-scented fingernails than have a manicure. I have stretch marks, forehead furrows, a vertical line between my brows, and an indention on the left corner of my mouth. I earned these marks. Why would I want to erase them with Botox?

My first three decades or so brought much anxiety with doubting myself and my circumstances with education debt, job security, marriage failures, pregnancy and motherhood.

I’m tired of the comparison trap. I don’t subscribe to shopping emails or newsletters. I loathe the social media ads. I don’t care about the blogger or influencer recommendations as much as I used to. I see the hot trends that everyone “has to have” and I just don’t really need any of it. I am more confident in myself and my style and personal needs. I actually really hate shopping.

When you do not know who you are, you push all enlightenment off into a possible future reward and punishment system, within which hardly anyone wins.

Richard Rohr, Falling Upward

I do long for more than this mediocre suburban life and maybe I will find it someday.

I do get depressed by events happening in the world and by mean people who only care about themselves.

I’ve streamlined and minimized our life. I am prioritizing rest.

We homeschool based on interests and annual rhythms. I refuse to rush or stress over things I can’t control.

I’m excited by what the next few decades may bring.

I don’t have all the answers and I usually don’t even know what the questions are.

And that’s ok.

As we move into the second half of life, however, we are very often at odds with our natural family and the “dominant consciousness” of our cultures.

Richard Rohr, Falling Upward

Resources:

What does confidence mean to you?

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Prioritizing Rest

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This last year or so has highlighted so much that is wrong about our individualist society. I grew up with the message that I should work more, harder…push…bigger, better, faster, more. Even to the point of collapse. Mental health be damned. Just push through physical exhaustion or illness. The prosperity gospel perpetuates this mindset – just fake it ’til you make it. It’s dangerous and wrong.

We have witnessed some privileged rich and famous people taking breaks and stepping away from the limelight to protect themselves and set boundaries. It’s a great thing to see them modeling health for the rest of us, but if we as a society cannot allow for rest, it just spotlights the problems even more. We pride ourselves on our self-reliance and grit to our detriment.

Naysayers (and even I at times) wonder at what point do we push on with courage in the face of fear and adversity or just quit? When do we know what to do? Most of us don’t have that luxury – paid time off, savings for vacations, help with responsibilities.

How many people feel trapped by their circumstances and cannot or refuse to rest or quit? We see so much depression, anxiety, disordered eating, and more. What will it take to wake up and make systemic changes?

We live in a rat race society. I refuse to succumb to the hustle.

We have had seasons of rushing and I didn’t like it. We tried to fit in and do all the things – signing our kids up for every activity, volunteering for everything at church, doing, going, hurrying. I didn’t feel safe or content and I think our health suffered with the added stress.

I had to learn how to say no. And NO. is a complete sentence. I had to learn how to discern what we should and could do with our time, protecting our rest, limiting ourselves to what felt safe and sure.

Thankfully, we are in a season we are able to get enough sleep and rest. I don’t have to stay busy all the time.

My youngest is eleven. I remember the days when he was a baby and toddler and seemed never to sleep. I don’t really miss those times. I love having big kids and teens.

How we rest

I wake up naturally most mornings. I don’t like alarms. I don’t like to be rushed. I don’t think success is waking up before dawn, unless that’s natural and normal for someone. I don’t function well in the early morning.

I don’t make appointments for mornings if I can help it.

During summer, my kids each choose a camp realizing they have to plan to go to bed and wake up earlier to get ready.

Every morning, I refill the bird feeders and I sit on my deck with my tea and our two cats, watching the birds and damselflies. I inspect my garden for new blooms and ripe tomatoes. I love birds and gardening.

I make a hot breakfast for my three kids who live at home every weekday morning. My husband has weekend duty.

Most months, the kids and I do read alouds after breakfast.

The kids usually watch Netflix with their lunch of leftovers or homemade ramen.

Afternoons are usually carefree and easy. The kids work on science, history writing, arts and crafts, hiking and exploring, bug watching, reading, baking. I read or clean or run errands. We sometimes go to the library or a park. I try to schedule appointments in the afternoons – dentist, orthodontist, therapy, doctor, vision. My kids are now old enough that they can stay home alone for a couple hours so I can go by myself to my own appointments or just take the one child to their appointment. I don’t like rushing, so I leave with plenty of time to arrive safely without feeling anxious.

The kids have classes a few evenings a week. One does aerial gymnastics twice a week. One has art classes and ice skating. One plays elite baseball.

We try to have dinner together every night. Occasionally, we eat while watching a TV show and Fridays are usually homemade pizza and movie nights. Some nights are difficult to plan, with art, gymnastics, if my son has a baseball game or practice. I don’t like rushed meals. I don’t like having two dinnertimes. We try to have an early dinner (preferable) or a later dinner to accommodate these evenings. Often, on nights we don’t have activities, we go for a walk after dinner or play cards or board games.

While the kids don’t have a specific bedtime, I encourage winding down and getting in bed by about ten at night. I know this is when our bodies are ready for sleep. I feel the natural melatonin kicking in and my body temp lowers and I get sleepy. I teach my kids to listen to their bodies. We try to limit devices and screens before bed, plugging them in outside bedrooms, and turn off the WIFI at bedtime. We prioritize sleep so our kids grow well and perform at their best.

We worked hard to get here, to this place of peace and rest.

9 Types of Rest

  1. time away
  2. permission to not be helpful
  3. something ‘“unproductive”
  4. connection to art and nature
  5. solitude to recharge
  6. a break from responsibility
  7. stillness to decompress
  8. safe space
  9. alone time at home

Resting is doing.

I am not about that capitalist grind. I don’t have a home business. I am not that boss mom or whatever. I realize how incredibly privileged I am to stay home as a mom and teacher. We have worked hard to get to this place.

I am introverted and highly sensitive. I don’t enjoy being busy. I don’t enjoy crowds or excessive noise.

I protect my kids’ time and childhood. We don’t overschedule. I want them to have lots of time to play instead of every moment of their day filled with programs.

I refuse to push my kids with their academics or make them hate their passions and hobbies by attempting entrepreneurship. They have freedom in our homeschool to explore and go at their own pace. They choose to take classes for art or sports or new activities with spaces and tools we don’t have in our home. We are in a place where my young teens can choose to do volunteer work for experience if they desire – since they legally cannot work yet. I don’t think that older teens or young adults should waste their time with unpaid work. Their time is valuable too and they should be paid for work.

My son chooses to do elite baseball and while I am so proud of him and his growth with the sport, I am not thrilled with missed or delayed meals or rushing to pack healthy portable snacks for games in the middle of breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I have stressed about games far from home and how my son will eat if there isn’t a grocery store nearby for me to acquire healthy choices. We observe with dismay the families who choose to eat greasy fast food during game breaks and then their boys play poorly and sluggishly. There are times when my husband has to take our son to practices or games and I have to take another of our children to a class or appointment. I can’t be everywhere at once.

My middle kids are in high school and I refuse to stress them out with tests, driving lessons, college prep, part time jobs, or volunteering. I offer them opportunities so they can make choices. I coach and guide and answer questions. I do so much research. I am constantly telling my kids to protect their time. I teach them to say no and manage their schedules wisely. There will be time enough for them to stress later. I don’t want to add any anxiety.

My eldest is on her own and I am sad for her hustle to survive and trying to be healthy and happy. Good paying jobs with a healthy work environment are scarce and having a certificate or college degree is no guarantee of insurance, competitive pay, or decent treatment.

I limit my interaction and time on social media. I encourage my kids to be careful online and protect their time. I am impressed that they can and do often walk away often to pursue other interests.

I love that my kids still like exploring and hiking in the woods, playing in the creek, biking, roller blading, skateboarding. They’re often the only kids I ever see outside. They ask to play cards or board games after dinner. They play Legos and Wii and Switch together if the weather is too much.

Fitness and exercise seems even to be stressful for many people. I refuse to overwork myself. I love programs that are short and intense and I do see results. Every evening after dinner, I walk about 45 minutes around this little pond park about a half mile from our house. It’s peaceful and I enjoy seeing the waterfowl, bunnies, sometimes deer or horned owls, even a coyote.

I take a bubble bath with Epsom salts every night before bed. I have chamomile tea and read or watch a show. This is my alone time and I protect it.

I still read a story to my son every night at bedtime. Then I usually read an eBook until I can’t see the words anymore and fall asleep. Screens before bed aren’t recommended. I turn off the blue light with settings and I haven’t noticed any problems.

How prioritizing rest helps:

  • Better digestion
  • Better nighttime sleep
  • General contentedness
  • Less stress
  • Time for exercise
  • Peace
  • Less forgetfulness
  • Less anxiety
  • Less clutter
  • Deeper relationships
  • Time for spontaneity
  • Creativity
  • Better immunity

It’s important we model rest for our children so they have better health. We don’t have to hustle like everyone else.

Resources:

How do you prioritize rest?

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Our Curriculum for 2021-2022

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Whew, it has been a year, y’all.

We spent most of last year isolated and anxious. While our actual lifestyle didn’t much change, just the knowledge that we couldn’t and shouldn’t go out was hard at times.

We’re looking forward to a better year now that we’re vaccinated.

I’ve been homeschooling my four kids for about seventeen years now. My younger three have never attended school.

My eldest attended day care, preschool, and one month of third grade at a DoD school. She’s on her own now, working full-time and living in her own apartment.

We learn year-round and love having freedom to learn when and how and what we want. We love being able to take breaks for field trips, extended travel just for fun or educational purposes, sun days, snow days, movie days, game days, park days.

Most of the anxiety I had in the beginning years has faded away and I am mostly in awe of my kids’ abilities and interests. I learn so much from watching and learning with them.

I highly recommend the books by Louise Bates Ames. A good guide to follow are the What Your ?-Grader Needs to Know by E.D. Hirsch, Jr. His books have some problems, but it’s a great jumping off point.

We had somewhat of a break this summer, just continuing with math and science since we take those slower than other works. The middle kids each did a week of art camp – film photography and ceramics – and my third child did another two weeks of an art workshop they won on scholarship! My son did a week of baseball camp at a local university.

We often celebrate the end of summer and beginning autumn and a new school year with not back to school activities.

7th Grade

My youngest is working on 7th grade material this school year.

10th Grade

This was my favorite grade and age to teach when I taught public school.

My two middle kids are well into high school now. I’m keeping track of their credits in a transcript for their future needs. Our high school goals are four full year credits of English, math, science, social studies, with two full year credits of foreign language, and multiple electives for creative arts and physical activity.

Some electives the middle kids are pursuing in addition to sports are cooking/baking, creative writing, drawing/animation, arts and crafts, jewelry making.

Ohio doesn’t allow students to work until age 15, and my middle kids are already looking forward to their first part time job later this year – maybe at our Dairy Queen around the corner or a locally owned shop or volunteering with the Red Cross. My second child already volunteered over the summer with an invention camp and works once a week as a coach assistant with aerial gymnastics. She should start getting paid for coaching soon!

It’s exciting thinking about the kids learning to drive. My eldest waiting until she was eighteen and we didn’t push her. We signed Tori up for the required Ohio classroom drivers’ education. She will then take the state test for a learners permit and take the road driving classes before getting her full license next spring!

Together

We still do lots of morning read alouds together for Bible, church history, natural history, world and American history, and lots of multicultural literature.

We are working on Year 2 in our history cycle. I love, love, love year 2 and I cannot wait to dive deep into the literature this year.

Our main text this year is The History of the Medieval World: From the Conversion of Constantine to the First Crusade  by Susan Wise Bauer. I just purchased the Study and Teaching Guide: The History of the Medieval World: A curriculum guide to accompany The History of the Medieval World by Julia Kaziewicz. My middle kids are completing the critical thinking questions for each chapter.

See how we do history. Our main curriculum Tapestry of Grace (and the way I supplement it each year) covers all the humanities – history, literature, art, music, philosophy, government.

My kids are very active with skating/roller blading, cycling, hiking, walking, playing the Wii and Switch, in addition to their classes and sports.

This last school year looked very different for some kids and families with online school, hybrid, or new homeschoolers. We have an opportunity to examine what worked and what needs improvement in our education systems.

You might also like to see our other homeschool years:

Recommendations:

How is this school year looking for your family?

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Reasons For Adolescent Disorder Patterns

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“I am afraid that my son is a teenager: who will he relate to? Will he fall into drugs? ” These are some questions felt, silenced, spoken, and heard from friends. They are even reasons for consultation of parents with anticipatory anguish in relation to the character or social behavior of their adolescent children. This is especially true when they become a reason for consultation due to behavioral problems, drugs, aggressiveness, school dropouts, and even dysfunctional behaviors at home. Help is usually requested, and the emotional manifestations they experience are varied: from anger, concern to fear. There is even a kind of hidden or obvious guilt as an expression of their anguish.

Where are the roots of the problem?

Guilt as a mode of complaint becomes a kind of posture that favors family paralysis, twisting in the excuse of the suffering and lament itself. In young people and adolescents, many times we find ourselves before the quiet voice of obstacles: “my mother is afraid”; “My parents are to blame”, ins and outs where our children escape and allow their unhealthy behaviors –which are also reinforced. Where are the roots of the problem? It comes in the shared responsibility of the values ​​that we transmit and the responsibility of our children to read reality in many ways other than our good intentions. Many times, we have said or heard the phrases like: “We are not born with a parenting manual under our arm” or that “we do our best.”

What do the experts say?

Ideally, when you are young, your parents and teachers know enough about emotions to help you navigate them. There has been a great failure of society: we have left parents very helpless, we forced them to get little degrees for everything except to have children and to understand how they function emotionally. In clinical observation, we do not find the ideal. It is inevitable to find varied profiles of families that repeat themselves accompanying their children who suffer from an emotional disorder or who take drugs. There are patterns of family behavior that are NOT conducive to education. It is important to clarify that when we refer to harmful styles; it is about what stands out unipolarly, accentuates, or abounds as the form of relationship between parents and their children. Here is the big difference between: “I want the best for my children” and “I want my son to be the best.”

The Nuances

This educational style has several nuances, although it basically refers to those parents who plan their children and their future from their own expectations “that they are the best.” It is a selfish, limited position on the needs of your children. Many times, the kids are subjected to an overload in studies, languages, reinforcements, and parents have little communication with them, little time to be interested in their tastes, interests, feelings, to share their free time in a relaxed way. There tend to be highly demanding and authoritarian family environments where the lack of specific competence is underestimated, while the non-expression of weaknesses, disabilities, or limitations is promoted. 

Natural Affection

Even, and this is the most harmful of all, children can read and/or interpret that to win the love of their parents, clouded by the cold demand, they have to be as their parents wish. However, this can be a long-term, stressful, tense, and chronically dissatisfied long-distance race because love has nothing to do with being the best. It’s never been like that. We don’t need to be the best. Instead, we need to be loved without condition, simply because of who we are. This style ends up undermining the purpose of natural affection, necessary while human affection is developing.

Conclusion

In short, future reflections come from the contemplation of human suffering, not from the symptoms. As parents, you will continue to share this type of pattern that influences family dynamics. There are patterns that become classic about the maintenance of a sick family system: “be the best, do not make mistakes, do not speak, do not feel, do not trust, do not lose control and do not seek help outside”. It does not have to be like that. If it is, then the whole family needs therapy and counseling. 

Helpful Resources

Sunrise House Treatment Center

OASAS Addiction Treatment Center

Serenity At Summit

Banyan Treatment Centers

MSN News

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What if kids ask to go to school?

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We have four children and my younger three have been completely homeschooled. My eldest attended day care as a baby and toddler and private Christian 4K before we began homeschooling, then one month of DOD 3rd grade.

We have adapted and evolved as homeschoolers over the years, meeting the needs and desires of our kids with their changing interests as we moved every two to four years with the military. It’s been a lot.

As proactive as I try to be, anticipating issues that may arise, it didn’t really occur to me to have a plan or speech prepared if or when my kids asked to go to school. I mean, don’t lots of kids who attend public or private school ask to stay home all the time for various reasons? And those parents probably just laugh and tell their kids to hurry up or they’ll miss their bus. There isn’t even a discussion because school is mainstream and expected. Most families send their kids to school.

We try to have discussions rather than shut down questions, but sometimes it’s very hard to articulate if I don’t have preparation. I’ve said many things I regret and made egregious mistakes while parenting. I’m so glad we homeschooled and I would do it all again, with more confidence.

What if kids ask to go to school?

Here’s how we responded to our kids when they asked to attend public school.

Our eldest wanted to attend the DOD high school in Germany when she was about fifteen. We had a hard time during those teen years. Everything was a battle. I tried to reason with her. We had different educational values than other families. We had so much freedom and traveled and learned what and how we wanted. The school schedule wouldn’t allow any freedom or absences or tardiness. I reminded her how miserable she was in that month of third grade, how bored she was in preK. She just dug in her heels and did everything to thwart our final homeschooling years.

We were a bit isolated in our small German village, but used our free schedule to travel regularly around Europe and took plenty of day trips. She participated with a small drama theater on base and we did activities with the homeschool group. Her good friend attended the school; they would most likely have been a year apart and rarely seen each other during the school day, but that didn’t matter to my daughter. We had almost completed my homeschool agenda of academics at the time she wanted to attend school. She would have been repeating courses or wasting time. We discussed unfair dress codes and how she would have to remove her piercings and keep her hair natural colored, but she said she was actually ok with that, but she won’t do it at a job now. I also worried she wouldn’t take it seriously and drop back out at the first struggle or get into trouble at the school. We had a horrible experience during a middle school math week in Utah and I really didn’t want to give a public school any power over my child.

To me, it felt like she just needed to fit in and be mainstream. She felt she was missing out. She thought she would get to socialize and make more friends. She wanted to experience the milestones and social aspects of school – dances, clubs, graduation, prom. She did attend some dances in Germany and in Ohio when we moved back to the States. She even flew to Canada to attend prom with friends.

When we moved to Ohio, she started college early and worked part time and complained how ignorant her classmates were. She felt left out and overeducated and more grown up and independent than her peers.

My eldest is now twenty, almost 21, and still regrets she didn’t go to school. She feels like an outcast when her friends reminisce about school and she doesn’t know what their words and phrases mean so she can’t join in their conversations. She doesn’t feel special, but overeducated. She quit college and is working full time and moved out last November. She has said that homeschooling ruined her life. I feel awful. And there’s no way I can make amends or fix this.

While there are many, many things I wish I had done differently as a parent and teacher, homeschooling is still our choice as a family.

It’s hard when school is the expectation of society. People ask my kids, “What grade are you in? Where do you go to school?” and it becomes embarrassing sometimes. It seems more acceptable to homeschool after this last year, but it’s still odd and different. I realize we are in a unique circumstance in our ability for me to stay home to teach our kids. The pandemic certainly highlighted many issues with our society, education being an important one.

Our third child asked to attend school after we had lived in Ohio a few years. It felt like the same issues all over again. I was a little more prepared this time around to field the questions and manage the discussion. We affirmed them about their feelings. We expressed our family and educational values. We explained why we homeschool and why we don’t choose school. I further reiterated our freedoms with our schedule and curriculum. We discussed bullying, teacher control, discriminatory curriculum, gun violence, 20 minute lunch periods, public school timeline, overcrowdedness, lack of funding, unfair dress codes. We expressed concerns about how schools don’t protect or respect LGBTQ+ kids. They would probably have to keep their hair natural colored. I am very concerned about school violence and we really focused on those issues that have increased the last few years. They are more social than my other two kids at home, but school isn’t really conducive to socializing. School looks glamorous and fun on TV and in movies, but that’s certainly not reality.

Then the pandemic hit and I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief because no one attended school for months. Our lifestyle didn’t change that much. While we couldn’t go out and that felt suffocating at times, we didn’t have to vastly adapt like school families did.

We have a hard time finding like-minded friends for myself and the kids. I refuse to compromise my values or put myself and my kids in a potentially dangerous social situation with families who express gun rights, white supremacy, capitalism, and homophobia.

It’s frustrating that many parents don’t allow their children to be active online. During the pandemic, my kids would have and could have developed some online friendships but many parents refuse their kids access to social media like Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, TikTok, Discord. I understand their hesitancy, but it makes it harder on teens who want friends.

We are now (possibly) over that hump. I think my kids are more on board now about homeschooling. We are striving to give our kids opportunities and experiences that wouldn’t be possible if they attended school. We’ve gotten back into our extra-curricular classes like art, aerial gymnastics, and baseball. Their neighborhood friend is coming back around and they just picked up where they left off. We aren’t so depressed and isolated like we were all last year.

As more people get vaccinated, there will be safer field trips, outings, get-togethers, park days.

My middle two kids attended an art camp for a week this month and were so exhausted getting up early and being out all day every day. I can’t imagine what it would be like if my kids were gone all day every day.

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