What if kids ask to go to school?

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June 14, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 7 Comments

We have four children and my younger three have been completely homeschooled. My eldest attended day care as a baby and toddler and private Christian 4K before we began homeschooling, then one month of DOD 3rd grade.

We have adapted and evolved as homeschoolers over the years, meeting the needs and desires of our kids with their changing interests as we moved every two to four years with the military. It’s been a lot.

As proactive as I try to be, anticipating issues that may arise, it didn’t really occur to me to have a plan or speech prepared if or when my kids asked to go to school. I mean, don’t lots of kids who attend public or private school ask to stay home all the time for various reasons? And those parents probably just laugh and tell their kids to hurry up or they’ll miss their bus. There isn’t even a discussion because school is mainstream and expected. Most families send their kids to school.

We try to have discussions rather than shut down questions, but sometimes it’s very hard to articulate if I don’t have preparation. I’ve said many things I regret and made egregious mistakes while parenting. I’m so glad we homeschooled and I would do it all again, with more confidence.

What if kids ask to go to school?

Here’s how we responded to our kids when they asked to attend public school.

Our eldest wanted to attend the DOD high school in Germany when she was about fifteen. We had a hard time during those teen years. Everything was a battle. I tried to reason with her. We had different educational values than other families. We had so much freedom and traveled and learned what and how we wanted. The school schedule wouldn’t allow any freedom or absences or tardiness. I reminded her how miserable she was in that month of third grade, how bored she was in preK. She just dug in her heels and did everything to thwart our final homeschooling years.

We were a bit isolated in our small German village, but used our free schedule to travel regularly around Europe and took plenty of day trips. She participated with a small drama theater on base and we did activities with the homeschool group. Her good friend attended the school; they would most likely have been a year apart and rarely seen each other during the school day, but that didn’t matter to my daughter. We had almost completed my homeschool agenda of academics at the time she wanted to attend school. She would have been repeating courses or wasting time. We discussed unfair dress codes and how she would have to remove her piercings and keep her hair natural colored, but she said she was actually ok with that, but she won’t do it at a job now. I also worried she wouldn’t take it seriously and drop back out at the first struggle or get into trouble at the school. We had a horrible experience during a middle school math week in Utah and I really didn’t want to give a public school any power over my child.

To me, it felt like she just needed to fit in and be mainstream. She felt she was missing out. She thought she would get to socialize and make more friends. She wanted to experience the milestones and social aspects of school – dances, clubs, graduation, prom. She did attend some dances in Germany and in Ohio when we moved back to the States. She even flew to Canada to attend prom with friends.

When we moved to Ohio, she started college early and worked part time and complained how ignorant her classmates were. She felt left out and overeducated and more grown up and independent than her peers.

My eldest is now twenty, almost 21, and still regrets she didn’t go to school. She feels like an outcast when her friends reminisce about school and she doesn’t know what their words and phrases mean so she can’t join in their conversations. She doesn’t feel special, but overeducated. She quit college and is working full time and moved out last November. She has said that homeschooling ruined her life. I feel awful. And there’s no way I can make amends or fix this.

While there are many, many things I wish I had done differently as a parent and teacher, homeschooling is still our choice as a family.

It’s hard when school is the expectation of society. People ask my kids, “What grade are you in? Where do you go to school?” and it becomes embarrassing sometimes. It seems more acceptable to homeschool after this last year, but it’s still odd and different. I realize we are in a unique circumstance in our ability for me to stay home to teach our kids. The pandemic certainly highlighted many issues with our society, education being an important one.

Our third child asked to attend school after we had lived in Ohio a few years. It felt like the same issues all over again. I was a little more prepared this time around to field the questions and manage the discussion. We affirmed them about their feelings. We expressed our family and educational values. We explained why we homeschool and why we don’t choose school. I further reiterated our freedoms with our schedule and curriculum. We discussed bullying, teacher control, discriminatory curriculum, gun violence, 20 minute lunch periods, public school timeline, overcrowdedness, lack of funding, unfair dress codes. We expressed concerns about how schools don’t protect or respect LGBTQ+ kids. They would probably have to keep their hair natural colored. I am very concerned about school violence and we really focused on those issues that have increased the last few years. They are more social than my other two kids at home, but school isn’t really conducive to socializing. School looks glamorous and fun on TV and in movies, but that’s certainly not reality.

Then the pandemic hit and I felt like I could breathe a sigh of relief because no one attended school for months. Our lifestyle didn’t change that much. While we couldn’t go out and that felt suffocating at times, we didn’t have to vastly adapt like school families did.

We have a hard time finding like-minded friends for myself and the kids. I refuse to compromise my values or put myself and my kids in a potentially dangerous social situation with families who express gun rights, white supremacy, capitalism, and homophobia.

It’s frustrating that many parents don’t allow their children to be active online. During the pandemic, my kids would have and could have developed some online friendships but many parents refuse their kids access to social media like Facebook, Instagram, SnapChat, TikTok, Discord. I understand their hesitancy, but it makes it harder on teens who want friends.

We are now (possibly) over that hump. I think my kids are more on board now about homeschooling. We are striving to give our kids opportunities and experiences that wouldn’t be possible if they attended school. We’ve gotten back into our extra-curricular classes like art, aerial gymnastics, and baseball. Their neighborhood friend is coming back around and they just picked up where they left off. We aren’t so depressed and isolated like we were all last year.

As more people get vaccinated, there will be safer field trips, outings, get-togethers, park days.

My middle two kids attended an art camp for a week this month and were so exhausted getting up early and being out all day every day. I can’t imagine what it would be like if my kids were gone all day every day.

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Linking up: Create with Joy, Random Musings, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Eclectic Red Barn, Jeanne Takenaka, LouLou Girls, InstaEncouragements, Suburbia, Ginger Snap, Fluster Buster, OMHG, Grammy’s Grid, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Try it Like it, Artful Mom, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, CWJ, Simply Sweet Home, Answer is Choco, Being a Wordsmith, Mostly Blogging,

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KnowSeafood Review

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May 6, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Since we live in Dayton, Ohio, and have a hard time finding affordable, fresh, good quality seafood, I’ve been looking for shortcuts to get good quality fish to eat. I want to add more seafood to our diet, and I want the best quality but it does get expensive.

There are a couple fish markets, a couple local grocery stores with pricey fresh seafood, and Jungle Jim’s about an hour away that have good fresh seafood selections and we use those on special occasions. But I still want other options.

KnowSeafood is a lovely delivery option. I have tried other services, but the variety just isn’t there.

Each seafood serving arrived flash frozen with dry ice and regular ice. All the packing material is recyclable and very little plastic and no styrofoam!

I love the sustainability practices and that I know exactly where my fish and seafood came from.

I chose a curated box for variety for our first order. The a la carte option is exciting too!

I like that I don’t have to have a monthly subscription to KnowSeafood. I can pick and choose or order a curated box whenever I want.

Shrimp, Norwegian salmon, rainbow trout, bay scallops, lobster tail, tuna poke, and wild haddock.

The shrimp weren’t that exciting, but they were better than what we’ve been buying at our local grocery store.

We marinated haddock with Greek herbs and olive oil and grilled on a cedar plank. I skewered veggies separate and grilled garlic shrimp.

I like the flavor of haddock with light herbs and oil. It’s very versatile. My son even liked it so we will order more next time.

The salmon was perfect portions! I did a mustard glaze and baked in the oven.

Back for more haddock! I baked it in the oven for tacos and that was truly amazing! I made mango pineapple salsa and I could’ve eaten lots more.

We do a monthly subscription to wine with Firstleaf and I love that and the specials with free shipping on orders of twelve bottles. Wine pairs well with seafood (and everything)! We also want good wine at good prices. We miss Europe where it seemed easier to find fresh food and good wine.

Growing up, seafood was for vacations, holidays, and only dining out. It was expensive and my mom didn’t know how to cook it really. We often have no special occasions other than any regular day for seafood and wine. We make lots of delicious food every day of the week, depending on our schedule. Seafood only takes minutes to prep and cook!

We made scallops and lobster tails for Memorial Day.

I grilled the trout with veggies for myself and my daughter.

I just made a mild teriyaki tuna avocado poke and it was a hit!

One of our favorites is this grilled branzino with olives!

I made a healthier grilled version of furikaki mahi mahi and it was amazing!

I used a recipe on the website to make oven-fried fish and chips and it was a hit with the whole family!

Their Facebook group for KnowBuddies offers lots of fun recipes and great ideas to inspire us. We’re eating more seafood and feeling healthier and more energetic. We have fresher options for variety that I don’t often find in our grocery store.

I’m on a waiting list to order mahi mahi when it’s in stock.

KnowSeafood gets in a variety and updates their site often. I like the curated boxes and I can add onto those or make my own order. No monthly subscriptions required! They often have BOGO and deals they post online on their site and on social media.

We just ordered the grill box and I can’t wait to try it!

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Tending Our Garden

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April 26, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

We have had so many gardens over the years.

We have moved six times during our marriage. It does put a lot of stress on a family to start over so many times.

We tried to grow at every home where we ever lived. Some gardens were tiny and some were spacious. Some struggled and some thrived.

I like to think of our gardens as symbolic of our family – when we struggled and when we thrived in our relationships with each other.

Like gardens, relationships need the right conditions. There were bad weather and seasons, rocky or sandy soil. When we spent time, effort, and money on the gardens and our lives, we all grew.

My first little house that I bought myself in Georgia, I had begun to grow roses and flowers and some herbs.

I had to go through boxes of photographs since this is before digital cameras. Ah, the memories!

I loved birds even then and had feeders at the window. I was sad to have to sell this house and if I could go back, I would keep it and rent it out.

Our first little herb garden at our first rental home as a small blended family, in San Antonio, after we PCSed the very first time. We later grew some veggies for the first time. It was fun for our first homeschool year.

When we PCSed to Hawaii for three years, we lived on base and were not allowed to have a garden or change the landscape. We still grew and discovered what and who we wanted to be. We were surrounded by lush green and flowers and we enjoyed it all.

Our largest garden at our rental house in Utah where we grew lots of veggies and had a grape vine along the fence.

The whole family really worked hard in Utah on our garden. We enjoyed having fresh food that we grew ourselves. The kids would be so excited to help and harvest. We preserved, canned, and dried since we produced so much. We lived there four years and were just getting comfortable when we had to move again.

We used containers to grow herbs and veggies with our teeny tiny back yard in Germany. Even with the gorgeous food surrounding us in Europe and a fun little market right at our doorstep, we still yearned to grow our own.

Our baby garden when we rented our current house, that we just bought a year ago. We just had peas and lettuces and green beans. The radishes and carrots didn’t quite take. And I always have herbs.

We just celebrated our house-iversary. We bought our home one year ago!

It’s not perfect, but in many ways, it’s the best we’ve ever had and could ever hope for. While I always wanted more than mediocre suburbia for my kids, we have settled here for reasons. Sometimes, we dream of a hobby farm, but it’s just not feasible and I don’t see it ever happening.

The first thing we did after we signed the mortgage papers, was to have all the walnut trees cut down. It opened up our backyard and we don’t have to wear hard hats on the deck or worry about being pummeled by baseball-sized walnuts anymore.

We conditioned the soil and planned a little victory garden. We just planted early veggies – peas, lettuces, onions, potatoes, carrots, radishes, asparagus. We have spots ready to plant tomatoes, green beans, cucumbers, squash when it’s warmer. We also planted two raspberry bushes.

While most of these plants will be ready to harvest in a month or so, the asparagus won’t be ready for about three years. It takes patience and planning.

We’ve never been settled in a place long enough to plan that far ahead.

It’s so exciting to finally realize this is all ours and we can update or change anything. I have to take a deep breath and let it all sink in.

I love planning and planting flowers. My herb garden is thriving. I’m a member of a local online gardening group that is just lovely. I just started my rose garden and I can’t wait to see the blooms!

When we had unexpected snow the end of April, it was disappointing, but we came together to cover the tender young plants against freezing. We prayed and hoped they wouldn’t wither or wilt and will be hardier for their shock of the frost. Just as we hope to weather storms and survive to thrive the hard times in our lives and we sure have had our share of tough times.

I’m transplanting bushes that need more sun and pruning and shaping plants that may have never had that done to them before. We’re fertilizing and adding soil and mulch for nutrients and weed cover.

We make amends and do more of what works and less of what doesn’t – in our relationships and with our plants. We’re constantly learning and growing.

Linking up: Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, April Harris, Anita Ojeda, Eclectic Red Barn, Jeanne Takenaka, InstaEncouragements, Ducks in a Row, OMHG, Grammy’s Grid, Ginger Snap, Fluster Buster, Girlish Whims, Ridge Haven, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, Suburbia, Penny’s Passion, Crystal Storms, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, Debbie Kitterman, Katherine’s Corner, Grandma’s Ideas, LouLou Girls, Our Three Peas, Try it Like it, Wordsmith, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Simply Sweet Home, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, CWJ, Random Musings,

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Mountain Rose Herbs Essential Oils Review

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April 21, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Our family has been into essential oils for about ten years or so.

We’ve tried many different companies and of course we love some products more than others.

I am a certified aromatherapist from Pacific Institute of Aromatherapy. Many think this is a scam, but I am also educating myself for over a decade from many different resources. I don’t want my family to get hurt or sick from misusing essential oils, herbs, or supplements.

I have long loved Mountain Rose Herbs for…herbs.

And now they offer essential oils too!

Mountain Rose Herbs Essential Oils are some of the best!

I LOVE the packaging. No excess. Recyclable. Yay!

From their site:

Our product packaging is designed to protect the high-quality botanicals inside. We use a variety of materials including glass, plastic, multi-layer bags, recyclable tin, and boxes to keep the botanical goodness inside fresh. In addition, we pride ourselves on making sure we use green materials to package and pad our boxes to ensure your order arrives safe and sound.

Quality

Essential oils are distilled from plant materials – flowers, fruits, leaves, bark, wood, roots. The timing or ripeness of the plant parts is necessary to achieve the best quality of distilled oils.

These essential oils smell fresh and clean to me, with no underlying chemical scents. I am very pleased.

The Eucalyptus globulus is good for respiratory function and as an insect repellent. It is antimicrobial and antiseptic. There are 900 species and subspecies of eucalyptus – with the most common oils using globulus, radiata, or bicostata/blue globulus. Globulus is the most potent. Be cautious using around children and never use around pets, especially cats. I limit diffuser use and heavily dilute for use.

Lavender is the entryway oil. It is generally the safest around kids and pets. I use it liberally, still diluted on our family and cats for many different reasons – cuts and scrapes and respiratory function. It smells great diffused alone or with a blend. It is lovely in personal care products and tea and recipes.

Peppermint is generally safe topically while heavily diluted. I don’t diffuse this since it can be rather irritating to sensitive mucous membranes. I have used a drop of this diluted oil to reduce heat-related illness in hot outdoor summer temperatures and to lessen the sting of sunburn used with diluted lavender. The essential oil is way stronger than fresh or dried leaves but can still be used in recipes and salves if used very cautiously.

Sweet Orange or Citrus sinensis is absolutely delightful and cheerful. My son has always loved the scent of orange. It’s antimicrobial and uplifts our moods. This is just like the sweet oranges we love to eat. The peels are cold-pressed using pressure to release their oil and scent from the rinds. We love to diffuse this in a blend. It’s great in a household cleaner. Dilute well if applying topically since all citrus products can be photosensitive.

Tea tree or melaleuca alternifolia is a type of myrtle and is anti-fungal, antibacterial, antiseptic, and good for respiratory function. Some types of acne react well to diluted application. This oil should never be ingested or used around pets, especially cats. I generally do not diffuse this oil and heavily dilute.

From the website:

We strive to sell organic products whenever possible. If a product is not organic, it is cultivated without chemicals, or wild harvested. Our 10 full-time lab staffers are constantly testing our ingredients to ensure they meet our strict specifications and are free from adulterants and contamination, including pesticides. You may always request a certificate of analysis, organic certificate, and kosher certificate. Please see our certifications page for more details on the additional documents we can provide for you.

The Classic Essential Oil Kit is a great starter kit for new oilers or veteran oilers. These oils are always in our family toolkit. There are several essential oil kits to choose from.

Do you want your very own essential oil kit?

Code: EOKit15 – Visit this exclusive link!
Offer: 15% off all of our essential oil kits. (Excludes any already discounted products or further discounts on wholesale accounts- Valid for online purchases only).
Expiration: May 31, 2021, at 11:59 PM, PST.

At this time, Mountain Rose Herbs is only processing and shipping orders with billing and final destination shipping addresses located in the United States and Canada.

Maybe you’ve seen certain essential oil and natural products for sale on retail sites?

Statement on third-party sales from Mountain Rose Herbs:

In order to guarantee the quality of our products and keep our prices low, we never sell on internet marketplaces such as Amazon, Walmart, or eBay. If you see our products listed on those marketplaces, they are being sold by a third party, and we have no way of guaranteeing their quality. Please note that products bought from third parties must be returned through those channels and are not returnable to us.

Read the story of the company here.

I am very much enjoying the online group Sustainable Living with Mountain Rose Herbs.

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ECOlunchboxes Review

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April 17, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

We love trying new products that help our family in our journey to be more sustainable.

ECOlunchboxes are great traveling companions when we go hiking and exploring outdoors.

Plastic-free, stainless steel lunch boxes and cotton bags.

I can fill these bowls with fun colorful healthy goodies and we can share a salad and dip on a picnic wherever we go.

We have an extensive wood and creek in our backyard and often go to look at wildflowers and hunt mushrooms and herbs.

The kids love to play in the creek and look at crawdads.

It’s such a blessing to know that while we enjoy nature, we can care for our Earth with reusable products instead of landfilling disposable products. It takes a little more thought to grab cloth napkins and real utensils with containers that have to be washed instead of items that are just thrown away.

I love that my kids are excited to help us do these things to protect our environment.

I love the versatility of these reusable bento bowls. We can use these bowls for snacks, salads, or anything and they’re leak-proof!

The stainless bowls and silicone lids are dishwasher and oven safe! Not for use in the microwave!

Plastic-free and leak-proof, the Salad Kit is a three-piece container set ideal for packing a variety of foods and keeping them separate.

Seal Cup Jumbo, measuring 7 inches diameter by 3 inches tall. Capacity is 48 oz (6 cups). Great for the salad!
Seal Cup Mini, measuring 2 5/8 inches round by 1 1/2 inches tall. Capacity is 3 oz (1/3 cup). Ideal for dressings.
Seal Cup Solo, measuring 3 1/2 inches round by 1 3/4 inches tall. Capacity 7 oz (7/8 cup). Ideal for croutons, nuts and other toppings best kept separate prior to tossing your salad.

All Blue Water Bento collection lunch containers are designed FOR the ocean and BY the ocean. It’s the beauty of our oceans that has inspired all our lunchbox designs. Sneak a peek at the behind-the-scenes design process.

My kids are very concerned about making better choices for our leftover storage and picnic supplies. We are trying to limit or even eliminate our waste and do better not using single use plastics.

We have a whole wish list for ECOlunchboxes now, so everyone can have their own containers for lunches and snacks.

Please join the ECOlunchbox eco-friendly communities on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter.

What changes can we make to limit waste?

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Tired

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March 29, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 6 Comments

My daughters were 7, 2, and newborn.

We had just completed a transcontinental move from Texas to Hawaii.

I was recovering from a Caesarean section.

We had one car.

We moved into our house on base to find out lots of broken and stolen items from the Texas packers.

My husband began his new job.

I was homeschooling my eldest child.

I couldn’t find any friends with whom I felt actually comfortable.

I was so tired ALL.THE.TIME.

Then the pastor’s wife at our new church came to visit me at our home.

I was grateful that it was naptime for my younger girls and I had my eldest read and play quietly in her room.

I had set out fresh baked sugar cookies and lemonade. Because I was raised always to serve food to guests.

After the pastor’s wife shoved our friendly cat off the sofa, shamed me for my daughter not having made the cookies from scratch, she proceeded to tell me that I was doing everything in my life wrong, wrong, wrong.

I’m not sure what I expected her to do or say, but that wasn’t it.

I was so stressed. I was anxious. I was depressed. I was cooped up in a house with three young children all day every day, homeschooling, nursing, making food, doing laundry, cleaning, barely surviving. Still in recovery from major surgery of a C-section, never resting.

Why couldn’t I lost weight and look like I did before the pregnancies?

My house was spotless. Meals were on time. Chores were completed every day. Homeschool checklists were checked.

I ran a tight ship. I was very efficient.

The visit from the pastor’s wife was the equivalent of telling me just to “calm down and smile more.”

The pastor’s wife didn’t even quote any Bible verses at me.

Surely, I was the epitome of the Proverbs 31 woman?

The pastor’s wife’s visit only made me feel worse.

I felt like I was drowning.

I went to a medical doctor for a physical later that month.

He prescribed lots of mineral supplements, light exercise, and a Paleo diet – before that was even a thing.

Within a few weeks, I felt loads better physically.

But I was still exhausted mentally.

The mental load of a mother is tremendous.

Why is it so hard to make sure everyone in a family of six has good shoes that fit? Why must I remind everyone every day to brush their teeth? Why must I keep track of the family calendar? Why must I purchase all the presents for every single holiday? Why must I do all the research for every little thing?

Life was just hard with young children. I felt isolated with so many neighbors putting their kids in school so they could socialize with each other during the days. They made me feel outcast since I was homeschooling and keeping my kids close at home, with me. These moms made me question my values.

I reevaluated what I needed to do and wanted to do.

I had to focus and let some things slide.

Medication for anxiety and depression actually made me feel worse. I don’t allow myself to be a guinea pig and try lots of new meds or dosages. I just stopped the rx meds and managed my lifestyle and made lots of changes.

But even doing all the “right” things – exercise, getting fresh air and sunshine, eating well, meditating, reducing stress…the depression is still there. But if I don’t do those “right” things? The depression rears up like the monster it is.

Parenting with depression is really hard. There are some really bleak days.

But there are lovely days too.

We’ve moved so many times, starting over in new places, all hopeful – to have those hopes dashed for various reasons.

As my four kids are growing up and becoming more independent, many things become easier and other things become more difficult.

We’re now busy with sports and extracurriculars. I’m sad that most of these classes and practices are right in the middle of dinnertime.

I’m disappointed by so many people just assuming we are like average, mainstream white Americans.

We homeschool, but not like that. We don’t go to church, but we are spiritual. We don’t like guns. We are trying to be not consumerist. We are actively anti-racist. We seldom eat fast food – or out at all. I don’t work outside our home.

It’s really hard to fit in with families who all have known each other for generations.

I don’t have any family. And I’ve never had any friends.

While I happen to be alone, I constantly try to teach my kids how to have healthy relationships. I don’t want them to be friendless or awkward or anxious. I want them to recognize dysfunction and abuse. I want them to be open and friendly. I’m learning along with my kids how to have healthy emotions.

I feel dismissed when I meet new people. I say and do all the right things and I am begging to be liked but tryin not to fawn. I see in their eyes that I don’t have anything to offer them and they smile with only their lips and say, “Nice to meet you.” but turn away to talk to their friends.

It’s like high school all over again. They have no need to make room for me. They don’t make room for me.

I am more than a stereotype. And I’m sure many of these parents I see are too…but how would I know?

I’m still tired.

I’m still isolated.

I’m not unhealthy tired, physically.

My heart and soul are tired.

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Linking up: Random Musings, Anita Ojeda, Marilyn’s Treats, April Harris, Little Cottage, Create with Joy, InstaEncouragements, LouLou Girls, Fluster Buster, Gingersnap, Girlish Whims, My Life Abundant, Ridge Haven, Soaring with Him, Suburbia, Anchored Abode, Slices of Life, Imparting Grace, Debbie Kitterman, Crystal Storms, Grammy’s Grid, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Lauren Sparks, OMHG, Grandma’s Ideas, Our Three Peas, Try it Like it, Simply Sweet Home, CWJ, Lyli Dunbar, Answer is Choco, Momfessionals, Being a Wordsmith, Mostly Blogging

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Parenting with Depression

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March 22, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

I’m really tired of all the blogs and articles telling mothers to just get help.

I think some people assume it’s easy to get help.

There are so many obstacles to getting help.

Sometimes, the help isn’t helpful.

Sometimes, therapy makes things worse.

I’m sorry that I do need more than Jesus. Many require therapy, meds, and many things more than Jesus. When Christians admonish those with mental illness or recovery from abuse or living with addiction that all we need is Jesus, it diminishes us still further, stigmatizes, silences. Why do we need more? Are we not good enough? Are we not Christian enough? Maybe these “Christians” aren’t really showing us Jesus. It’s just empty words like so much emptiness in my heart, mind, soul.

Depression isn’t always obvious.

I hide my inner self because no one really wants the running commentary about everything that is out of sync with our natures with this dying society.

I could fit in if I wanted to, if I tried harder. I could paste on a smile and giggle and be fake and nod along with other parents telling horrendous stories shaming their kids and making fun of their spouses.

My values aren’t their values. No one shares my values.

The trite checklists on how to help moms, depressed or not, is really out of touch with reality.

As a military wife and homeschool mom, I don’t have any help or family or friends or staff or child care. I don’t even have an emergency contact on forms!

Finding a therapist or psychologist is virtually impossible. I don’t have the luxury of shopping around and moving every few years makes for no continuity. Why should I even start to trust someone and open up to them if I have to move?

There is no extra money for hiring out home cleaning or yard maintenance.

Self care is way more than bubble baths. No one actually cares. And I struggle to care for myself.

I learned early in life not to have needs.

It was a cycle: Felt need, shame for need, inability to meet my own need, increased shame for need, paralyzing effects of shame blocking self care, increased need, more shame—on and on until I felt into my darkest, most fearful mental anguish.
Janyne A. McConnaughey, Ph.D.

Those depression and suicide risk assessments at the doctor’s office are bullshit. “Don’t hesitate to reach out.” Reach out to whom, exactly? Reach out for what? If I were honest with health care professionals or acquaintances or family members about my inner thoughts and feelings, I would be locked away against my will and my children might be removed from our home.

Every single appointment, the doctor offers me drugs for anxiety and depression. It’s so easy. I could just medicate myself into annihilation.

So I suffer in silence.

Our culture tends to think of depression in the person who finds work too stressful as a sign of weakness. Self-help articles imply that they just need more mental toughness and they could lean in and solve it. Even some therapists tell them that their depression is a distorted perception of circumstances that aren’t so bad.
Alison Escalante, M.D.

I had panic attacks the first couple years of marriage. We moved across the country, had two babies, and I quit teaching to begin homeschooling my eldest daughter. I just couldn’t cope with all the quick changes.

I struggled for years to do everything I thought I was supposed to do. I was constantly irritable. I just lived angry. I couldn’t delight in my kids and the cute things they said or did. Everything was a dreaded chore. I resented everyone.

I accomplish my duties every day.

Some days, it’s just “good enough.”

I never want to get out of bed. Usually my bladder says otherwise. I drag myself away from the oblivion of sleep to face the day.

I try to fill the kettle with water the night before so I just click the switch to boil the water for tea.

I give myself a pat on the back every day that I unload and load the dishwasher, wash, dry, and put away the laundry, prepare and clean up three meals for the kids. I read aloud for about an hour every morning.

It frustrates me all the mothers who are proud of their neurodivergence. I am not proud. I wish I were oblivious to all the horrors of this world. I wish I were a slaphappy InstaPinterest Stepford wife who doesn’t have a care in the world. I wish I could medicate it all away.

Ignorance really is bliss.

Sometimes the sheer weight of the world knocks me sideways and I inwardly rock with the collective pain. I’m dizzy with fear. I smile it away and pretend I’m fine.

I’m fine.

It’s like I have a constant dull headache.

I don’t want to frighten my family with my inner thoughts. I pretend they’re not there, the intrusive thoughts.

Every single day, multiple times a day, I tell my suicidal thoughts to shut the fuck up.

I am not dying today. I have things to do. Even though my life seems tedious and expendable, I am needed. Maybe I am not so easily replaceable.

I will not traumatize my kids with a dead mother. I will live to see them grow up.

I know all the “right” things to do and I try to do them, especially when I don’t feel like it.

I make my bed every morning – so I won’t climb back in it. I try to eat well. I limit myself to two cups of tea or coffee. I try to remember to brush my teeth. I limit visible clutter to help my inner anxiety. I exercise almost every day. I go for walks outdoors with my kids almost every afternoon. I get off social media when it seems too much. I surround myself with blues and greens. I take an Epsom salts bath every evening. I listen to music and read a lot.

I need to model good practices.

It’s devastating to me that my kids remind me to brush my teeth and take my vitamins. I know they’re just modeling back to me what I have taught them and they’re genuinely concerned, but I’m the mom, the adult, and the kids shouldn’t have to worry about me.

I don’t want to be a burden on my family. I’m sure parents with diabetes or some other physical medical diagnosis or chronic illness don’t feel the shame and guilt that parents with mental illness feel. We suffer in silence and put on a brave face in spite of everything.

I say “I’m sorry” all the time. I feel so ashamed when and if I forget something or get caught being careless.

I’m sorry the store was out of the good sausage and I had to buy this lesser one. I’m sorry I forgot the ice cream again. I’m sorry I am overwhelmed and have to interrupt your game to ask for your help. I’m sorry I got frustrated by the shoes left in my way. I’m sorry that I need your laundry basket back to fill it up with your clean laundry.

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

I’m sorry

Imsorry

Lately, I’ve been so clumsy and disoriented that I’ve knocked glasses off the kitchen counter and slipped getting into the bathtub. The doctor said it’s probably anxiety since my physical health is fine. He offered me meds again. He offered me an appointment with the behavioral health specialist. The last time – four years ago – full of hope and younger then, I went to BHOP, she offered me a breathing app for a smartphone sponsored by the U.S. Air Force. She told me to fill out a graphic organizer detailing my support system. I don’t have a support system. She is no help. She doesn’t really care. I am just a number, a box to check. She even called the house to ask if I’m ok and I let the answering machine pick up multiple times before I picked up to say, that yes, I’m fine. I’m fine.

For the life of me, I can’t remember or find where I got this list, but I think it’s important to post it here as some common reasons for depression in moms.

Standards of Perfection – Holding ourselves to impossible standards
Lack of Adequate Coping Skills or Self Care – Setting boundaries, saying no to more, being confident with your choices – all self-care
Unresolved Pain – Failure to address suffering of past trauma or abuse
Attempting To Control The Future – An unhealthy concern of how today’s actions could result in a future negative outcome: ANXIETY
Lack of Support – Knowing where to turn for help without feeling guilt

wow, I have all of those!

Wine mom culture isn’t gonna fix it.

I think there are many causes of depression. Of course it’s a mix of environmental causes and brain chemistry.

I’ve had functional depression since about the age of twelve. I think growing into abstract thinking and the hormone surge of adolescence triggers a lot of mental illness. I struggled with cognitive dissonance with my parents’ abuse and societal issues with my introversion and high sensitive emotions. So, it’s a lovely melting pot of negativity and lack of connection and having no one to help me.

It’s been difficult to come to terms with who I really am – as an adult, a wife and mother. I spent my whole life stifling it and hiding as never enough.

By Laura Grace Weldon:

You might also like:

Resources:

Reasons To Stay Alive: A Novel by Matt Haig
Notes on a Nervous Planet by Matt Haig
The Midnight Library: A Novel by Matt Haig
The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner
Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth to the World by Beth Berry
The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God’s Eyes by Robert McGee
The Babadook

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Celebrating Spring

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

March 20, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Spring is a time of renewal.

The breezes and rain wash away the old and bring in something bright and new.

The kids and I love to explore our yard and the woods behind our house, seeking out new shoots of green, awakening insects, migrating birds.

We’re surprised every year by the bulbs re-emerging, like we’ve forgotten or are worried they might not appear for some reason this year.

I’ve always felt like a spring baby, even though I’m born on only the 18th. My aunt was born on the 20th and I always thought she was so special.

I remember all the springtimes at every house we’ve lived – the flowers that grew there and I sometimes miss in a different climate. I long for the blooming azaleas of my Southern home.

After the vernal equinox, the days become longer and the nights become shorter. Daylight Saving Time also helps us to enjoy the warmer sunnier weather.

We naturally long to be outside more as the weather warms, after being perhaps more cooped up inside during the colder months, when the sun set at or even before dinnertime.

We enjoy our after-dinner walks again. It helps digestion and sleep and I just generally feel better.

We visit our resident Great Horned Owls by our neighborhood pond and woods. We will soon welcome the Little Brown Bats from their winter slumber to eat up the mosquitoes. Birds, raccoons, squirrels, and opossums will soon have babies foraging at our feeders and in our yard.

It’s baseball season and we’re running around to practices and games, dodging the rain with prayers, blankets, and umbrellas.

We’re planning our backyard vegetable garden. We notice the herbs returning after their winter dormancy. We’ve pruned the roses and fertilized the lawn and shrubs.

The world is awakening in wonder.

Celebrating the Spring Equinox

Books:

Step softly. The earth is pregnant.

You might also like:

Raised Better

This blog may contain affiliate links: disclosure. Also see my suggested resources.

March 15, 2021 By Jennifer Lambert 7 Comments

I remember being spanked, backhanded, pushed, yelled at, belittled, called “stupid” and “worthless.” I was told to stop crying or I would be given something to cry about. Nothing I ever did was good enough.

I was not a bad kid. I got good grades. I seldom got in trouble at school. I did home chores, anything I was asked to do. I helped with cleaning and cooking and yard work.

All grown-ups were once children…but only few of them remember it.
Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

My parents stole so many wonderful memories from me that I longed to happily share with them – moving out in a healthy way, graduating college and grad school, having my first baby.

I did my best to drag myself out of the pit I made. I struggled. I learned. I grew.

What if I had been raised better?

What if I had been protected, loved, cherished, validated?

I can reparent myself as I learn how to gently parent my four children. I can repair and heal myself as I learn better ways.

I’ve spent over twenty years stressed and anxious about my four kids.

I have running commentary inside my head all the time:

Am I doing this right? Am I doing enough? Should I back off? Should I do this? Should we stop that? What can I do differently? What is working or not?

And I have so many regrets about doing the wrong things when I was a younger and more inexperienced parent.

What are my expectations and are they about my ego or what’s best for my child?

We sometimes struggled to give our kids the life we didn’t have. We have no guidance or role models.

When children are little, parents do have to make (sometimes hard) decisions for the child. I try to include my kids and respect them, but sometimes I have to override their wishes to make the best choice for their well-being.

Children naturally trust parents and are attached to them as caregivers. They have little choice, so it’s very important that I do the best I can and treat them well and respectfully. I want my children to grow up healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Better than I was.

I made sure we enrolled the kids in recreational sports, dance, gymnastics, music, art – whatever was available and they expressed interest in. The kids often shared my enthusiasm and we were careful not to pressure them. If they expressed they wanted to move on or update their interests, we welcomed their input and made necessary changes.

As my kids grow into teens and young adults, they sometimes express themselves to me and their dad in ways that hurt. I try really hard not to be triggered or take it personally. I try to listen and understand. I cry alone, in secret. I don’t want my kids to feel guilty or wrong for telling me their thoughts, wishes, dreams, feelings. I want them to feel safe to tell me anything. I don’t want to put pressure on my children to rescue me.

I worry constantly if I’m saying or doing something like my parents did to me.

I have to update my expectations often as I continually remind myself and realize that my children are individuals with their own lives to lead. Parents surely have dreams for their children, but we can’t and shouldn’t impose that or try to live vicariously through our kids.

I have spent over twenty years meeting physical needs and trying my best to guide my children into being healthy adults – mentally, emotionally, psychologically.

If the consequences of my child’s action or inaction does not affect me, then I must force myself to back off.

My kids this spring are 11, 14, 15, and my eldest will be 21 this fall.

I have imparted my values to them. I guide them and answer questions. I try to be proactive. I tell them what my experiences were in similar situations.

I can only be as concerned as my child.

My child’s grades do not affect me.

My child’s hair, skin, makeup, clothing is their personal choice.

My child’s possessions are their responsibility and I cannot dictate how they treat their possessions.

It is not up to me how my child spends her money (whether money is earned or a gift).

My child’s choice to quit or postpone college is not about me.

My child’s car (after age 18) is her responsibility for maintenance, insurance, gas, repairs.

My child’s choice to move into an apartment is not my fault nor can I control anything about it.

My adult child’s food choices are not my concern unless they become disordered or extreme.

My child’s tax return is her responsibility to gather paperwork and to file.

It is not my job to say “should.”

It is not my job to offer unsolicited advice.

It is my concern to help my child manage her personal hygiene and keep her room relatively clean and neat for physical and mental health and to learn executive function.

My child’s health is my concern. No matter her age. I worry about physical, mental, and dental health. I worry that my adult child has to buy her own health insurance this fall. I worry about some of her personal choices that could pose problems later. I worry that I will want or have to rescue her from herself.

While I will, of course, rescue my child in an emergency (in most cases), it is not my duty to be anxious that she makes different choices than I did or would in her circumstances.

I do intervene when a child’s mistake, words, physical abuse, action, or inaction affects her siblings or others. It is often difficult to parent a child who doesn’t react to natural consequences or is constantly flippant, expecting the problems to just go away on their own. Lack of empathy and refusal to make amends is not ok.

It’s been hard having a child who laughs at consequences and no punishment matters.

Parents are still constantly learning.

I am so glad I am out of the baby, toddler, and young child stages. I love having older kids and teens. Conversations are lively and exciting. I love seeing my kids still act like kids and wanting to be together and show affection to each other.