Outsider

As  a military wife, there are certain…duties…that I must undertake to assist my husband in his career goals. Once such duty is that I attend functions with other mil wives. I seldom enjoy them. These meetings are certainly sacrifices I make for him and his career. He understands the anxiety that these events cause in my heart and he appreciates that I do these things {mostly} willingly because I love him.

In the beginning, I tried really hard to fit in and do the right things and be the right kind of military wife.

I had a mentor who became a dear friend and I learned a great deal from her about these events. She helped put me at ease.

So, at her prompting and my husband’s hints, I joined the Officers’ Spouses’ Club and even became a board member. I really tried to say and look and do all the right things.

Attempt #1:

Most of the officers’ wives were just mean girls. It was like middle school all over again. We were isolated on an island and had to rely on each other whether we wanted to or not. Most wives didn’t work outside the home. Their kids were all in school during the day. Since I was a homeschool mom with three very little ones, I missed many meetings or had to get a babysitter. It grieved my heart to do this and I felt so selfish.

I learned quickly just to not say much. I didn’t have to talk since most of the wives’ favorite pursuits were Bunco and drinking. I could be invisible. And observant.

There came a time when I could no longer sit back and listen and watch silently.  I was only in charge of the newsletter, website, and publicity. Many of the wives whose husbands had higher rank relished telling us younger wives what to do and how to do it. I even got called out for some of the ads I placed in the newsletter. The finances for the OSC were facing discipline for mismanaging funds and the honorary member (a general’s wife) and one of the advisors (a colonel’s wife) tried to threaten board members to cover it up.

I was so DONE. I am not one who can stand to be manipulated. This was not an organization in which I wanted to participate. I sent a very formal, well thought-out, and neutral resignation email citing exactly what I felt was wrong and why. I got an ugly response from an advisor. She felt my email was a personal attack on her. She replied “to all” in her email and she was rather inappropriate. That was her mistake and she eventually apologized to me. But the damage was done. I was blackballed by many members of the OSC.

In a way, this freed me to be more myself. I don’t think it hurt my husband in any way since most of those wives’ husbands didn’t work directly with mine. And I still had a few friends on my side.

Attempt #2:

A different base. A new group of officers’ wives. Different everything. My husband deployed for almost seven months. I became a key spouse because it made my husband look good. The monthly meetings and quarterly trainings just about killed me. I didn’t feel like I did a very good job since no one was really interested in even talking to me. Most of the enlisted spouses wouldn’t communicate with an officer’s wife. I felt I neglected my kids since I had to get a babysitter when I went to the functions.

I joined the OSC on the prompting of the group commander’s wife. Kinda hard to say no. It wasn’t really a request. And I just hate the whole pay-50-bucks to join a group that feels like a sorority (and no offense to you sorority girls, but it’s not my thing). I attempted to attend the weekly mommy play group and monthly preschool field trips. Again, I did not fit in. These mommies were just itching for the day they could send their kids to a school, any school, for all day long so they could play. (I am not judging moms who send their kids to school, but these moms weren’t kind about my choice to home educate.) They did not appreciate that I am with my four kids all day, every day, and I enjoy it. I chose this! I couldn’t take the judging comments disguised as polite questions about my kids’ welfare. If my kids had enjoyed the play groups, then I would’ve suffered silently, but they didn’t really like the other kids. So I quit going.

I wasn’t missed.

I didn’t renew my membership.

Now, we have a new base. More new commanders. New wives. Another attempt?

Not gonna happen.

I’m just tired. I’m tired of trying to fit in. I’m tired of being on the outside looking in.

Do you ever feel like you don’t fit in?