Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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You are here: Home / Family / No Compromise

No Compromise

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August 15, 2022 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

I have tried and tried and tried to make sure my kids know how to navigate healthy relationships in spite of their not having a good role model in me.

I don’t have any friends.

My kids don’t have many friends, and even fewer IRL.

I’m so proud of how kind and helpful and compassionate my children are.

I dream and hope and pray that my children find others who are also kind and compassionate and emotionally healthy. I don’t want them to live their lives alone.

Over the years, I have confronted parents whose children bullied mine. There were a few very scary and dangerous situations that went largely unresolved because of our society’s mantras and the parents’ and groups’ mentality of “boys will be boys” or “they’re just kids.”

For a long time I did try to give those kids the benefit of the doubt and also coach my kids how to handle situations on their own. I don’t like stepping in unless I really have to, and it never helps; it only makes things worse and burns bridges.

It’s also not my job to correct a child who is sexist, racist, ableist, hateful, or just mean. I realize they’re just spouting what they hear from parents and teachers and church leaders. Perhaps a child will grow and learn to question his family’s values and evolve into a better person, perhaps not.

I focus on protecting my child rather than educating yours.

So, we’ve had longs seasons of few or no friends and we look forward to starting over when we move, but we’re settled now and ready to put down roots.

We were excited to meet new people and make new friends when we moved to Ohio about five years ago.

The first neighborhood boy who met us when we had a lemonade stand a few weeks after we settled in seemed great at first.

No one else on our street would play with him and they ignored our kids when he was with them. I assumed the issue was the other kids. A few boys were very mean to mine and we learned to avoid them and whew, that memory is alive and well no matter how those boys have grown up and maybe regret or matured and try to make amends.

The boy seemed always polite to me, mature, made eye contact, and told jokes. My kids like him and we all seemed to get along fine.

He was never allowed in our house or backyard. I respected his parents’ rules, but I thought it was a little weird. They didn’t want to have a relationship with me and we only waved or said hi in passing. My kids said they seemed very strict and they didn’t go inside his house either, but would be invited to his backyard inground pool in summer.

I found out the boy was expelled from our district school for fighting. He attends a private conservative Christian school. He mentioned he was bullied and it led to the fight. I don’t really know details. Perhaps it’s as he says. His family attends a conservative Christian church.

He and my kids all wore themed costumes for Halloween for four years. Last year, my kids said he wasn’t trick or treating with them and they hedged when I asked why. They said he had bad grades and was going with his sister so we waved when we saw him across the street.

He stopped coming by and my kids didn’t go to his house and stopped talking about him. I thought I’ll never have the entire story and it was very sad.

COVID happened and it was hard for everyone. My son especially suffered when all the neighborhood boys still played together and even came to our door constantly to ask for my son, but we isolated and stayed inside. It was a scary time and I had to complain to some parents that we didn’t want their kids to keep coming to our door. It wasn’t my job to tell those kids why.

After lockdown, my kids admitted that the boy said some very hateful things and they made a decision to stop socializing with him.

He told my kids they were going to hell for being gay and trans – only cishet Christian people won’t go to hell. He said all Muslims should be exported or killed and that they were going to hell for terrorism; they’re all terrorists. I was horrified by this! It sounded like some old white man watching Fox News, not some 14 year old Puerto Rican boy. My kids didn’t want me to know until a lot of time had passed because they didn’t want me to confront him or his parents. I’m not even sure how I would confront people who believe these things and it surely wouldn’t matter whatever I could say.

I’m so proud that my kids chose not to continue that relationship. They don’t want to compromise their values or put themselves in awkward positions just to play cards or swim in his pool. I can’t say that I would have been that mature or self-preserving at their age.

My kids chose to protect each other.

At least there is some closure.

He has the audacity to wave at us when he’s riding his bike and we’re on our evening walks. I wonder what the story is that he tells himself. What do his parents know or choose not to realize? Do they even wonder why they’re no longer friends?

My children are 12, 15, 16, and 21. I’m so happy to see my kids making friends through homeschool activities, from their extracurricular events, camp, volunteering, and work. They’ve met some lovely people IRL that they were introduced to online.

I was so worried my children wouldn’t know how to navigate friendships because I don’t model that, but they’re capable of handling themselves so well in social environments!

It’s always been hard for me to make friends and maintain those friendships. I’m in awe that I haven’t ruined my children with my inability to be social. They’re blossoming and growing and being healthy in spite of me!

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Comments

  1. Jeremy@ThirstyDaddy says

    August 18, 2022 at 11:17 pm

    Love this. My kid seems like she is going to be “the weird one”, just like I was as a kid and its hard sometimes to know whether to be proud of her for being her or sad because I know how hard it can be. Visiting from #happynow but I’ll be back. Nice to meet your blogging acquaintance

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      August 26, 2022 at 9:01 am

      We are proud to be weird ones!

      Reply
  2. Paula Short says

    August 19, 2022 at 8:37 pm

    Jennifer, this is a beautiful message you convey in times like these. Your children are wonderful people. This is such a blessing. This>”I focus on protecting my child rather than educating yours.” Is so true.
    Thank you again for linking up with Sweet Tea & Friends this month my friend.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      August 26, 2022 at 9:01 am

      It can be exhausting but it’s worth it.

      Reply
  3. Lisa notes says

    August 20, 2022 at 8:53 pm

    It’s hard to maintain healthy friendships at any age, but how wonderful that your kids are learning how to properly discern who is a good friend for them and who isn’t!

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      August 26, 2022 at 9:01 am

      They teach me every single day!

      Reply
  4. Marsha Banks says

    August 22, 2022 at 11:09 pm

    I am sitting here trying to think of what to say to all of this. I found you through the Traffic Jam so I don’t have a lot of context about you other than this post. But, wow, is it powerful! There is so much wrong in this world…like many of the things you write about in this post. But, you have found a way to raise four remarkable human beings. Their choice to live their values speaks volumes about you…all good!

    https://marshainthemiddle.com/

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      August 26, 2022 at 9:00 am

      Thanks for your kind words.

      Reply
  5. Kimberly says

    August 24, 2022 at 10:32 am

    Thank you for sharing this on Traffic Jam Weekend, Jennifer. It has been chosen as a fave feature for this week’s link party that goes live on Thursday at 5:00 pm CST.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Welcome to the Weekend Traffic Jam! - Marsha in the Middle says:
    August 25, 2022 at 10:08 pm

    […] season. Thanks to this post, I may actually do it this year.”     Marsha chose No Compromise from A Sacred Balance. “I actually am trying to figure out how to subscribe to […]

    Reply
  2. 11 Incredible Instant Blog Titles Examples Boost Your Blog - ThExtraordinariOnly says:
    August 27, 2022 at 8:00 pm

    […] chose No Compromise from A Sacred Balance. “I actually am trying to figure out how to subscribe to […]

    Reply
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