I turned 42 on Sunday.

Sometimes, it hits me and I’m shocked because I don’t feel 42. I’m not sure what 42 is supposed to feel like.

I often still feel the same way I felt at 15 and 21 and 29 and 32. I have the same dreams and fears.

We live in such a casual time that it doesn’t matter what I wear, how I style my hair, or which fork I use.

During my mom’s generation, women over a certain age didn’t wear the color pink or their hair long. That was for younger women.

Sometimes, when I go out with my teen daughter, people mistake us for sisters and that’s delightful.

Other times, I feel very old and persnickety. My knees crackle when I stand up. My back hurts when I stand for a long time.

I’m past the desire to get tattoos or piercings. I’d rather spend my money on other things – experiences.

Sometimes, I feel panicky that I haven’t accomplished anything important. My time is too short and I have to hurry and do something, anything, quickly, write write write, create create create.

Then, I feel overwhelmed and it’s been all done before. I have nothing to offer. Do I?

I usually lie in bed at night and listen to the night sounds and make myself ill about what I should have done or could do better.

Then I think about all the things I have done and I’m able to breathe a little easier for another night.

I’m accepting that I’m an INTJ and a 1/5 combo on Enneagram. This is who I am and I constantly improve and grow.

I had some amazing experiences that shaped me into who I am today. When I look back on what means the most to me, my priorities are clear.

My top 40:

1. I flew alone to Washington, D.C., when I was 9, to visit my grandma. It was a fun week.
2. My parents took me to Puerto Rico when I was 14. It was a business trip for my dad. I missed a week of school, excused for “educational purposes.”
3. My intro to art class in 10th grade. The teacher was quite a bitch, but I still remember the projects and techniques I learned. It ruined me but I’m rediscovering it.
4. Entering college early. Dual enrollment was a new concept and my high school wasn’t too keen, so I just bypassed them. I got a double scholarship.
5. “Wasting time” on college classes in Spanish, French, and German. The lessons I learned serve me well now in Europe and teaching my kids foreign languages!
6. My college classes on art history and music theory still affect me today. Those professors were passionate and delightful.
7. Overcoming depression. It’s a daily battle.
8. Getting my Master’s in education. It was a joke of a program, but I jumped through those hoops and have the paper to prove it.
9. Teaching in public school. I learned so much about kids, parents, learning, government school systems, bureaucracy, and more. I’ve taught at many levels, mostly middle school and high school, including ESL and gifted. I worked in elementary after school programs. I was also a substitute teacher in many different kinds of classrooms.
10. The birth of my first daughter.
11. Teaching college writing. Almost my dream job.
12. Getting married. (The first two don’t count…) Surviving PCSes and a deployment. Deployment #2 coming up.
13. Moving to Texas. This was a quite a catalyst for change. I couldn’t find work. We began homeschooling. It was the first time I ever lived away from my parents and home state. My husband’s parents both passed away. My husband changed job fields in order to remain in the Air Force. I birthed two babies. It was a stressful two years.
14. Homeschooling. It’s been an amazing adventure!
15. Starting a blog. It sure has evolved since 2005!
16. The birth of my second daughter.
17. The birth of my third daughter. A C-section is not a failure. I’m still telling myself this. Medical bullying and trauma is a thing though.
18. Living in Hawaii for 3 years.
    
19. My husband adopting my first daughter.
20. Changing our lifestyle to be healthier and more natural.
21. The birth of my son. VBAC, for the win!
22. Stopped attending a legalistic fundamentalist church. Wish we’d left sooner!
23. Introducing my husband and kids to camping.
    
24. Family road trip to Yellowstone National Park.
25. Living in Germany for 3 years. Being able to explore Europe!
26. Traveling to Paris. Twice.
    
27. Traveling to Prague.
28. Traveling to Netherlands.
29. Traveling to Greece.
    
30. Traveling to London. Twice.
31. Traveling to Porto.
32. Traveling to Rome.
    
33. Traveling to Ireland.
34. Traveling to Normandy, France.
    
35. Traveling to Florence.
    
36. Traveling to Venice.
    
37. Deciding to practice respectful parenting.
38. Becoming credit card debt-free. We’re almost there!
39. Doing Bible study at home instead of attending church.
40. I have found my voice. I am still angry. I am not afraid.

I can do so much more now that I’m 42 than when I was in my 20’s.

I am more confident. I have more life experience. I am more discerning. I have my priorities straight.