Jennifer Lambert

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You are here: Home / Family / My Family Goals

My Family Goals

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May 25, 2020 By Jennifer Lambert 21 Comments

What should our family look like?

I feel like my whole life is a test I didn’t study for.

I was always anxious. I tiptoe on eggshells around my parents. I shouldn’t have to.

I have a rocky relationship with my parents and my husband’s sisters. We have nothing in common. I have different priorities and values.

I’m tired of being apologetic about my choices.

My parents are really well-off financially and have a 3500 sq. ft. house and 3 cars but complain constantly about their money troubles. They sent a few items to two of my four children last Christmas and claim they “do not recall” playing favorites. He sends me daily emails dripping with racism about everything he thinks is wrong with our society.

It’s hard for me to make excuses to my children or protect my parents.

My parents fit every mark on this checklist.

I’ve spent the last twenty years healing and trying to create a healthy respectful family atmosphere for my kids. I had to re-parent myself and work through my trauma and history and grow up.

I want to be gentle, loving, kind, and proactive. I want my kids to grow up to whole and complete. I want them to realize their privilege. I pray they are loved as people and I did enough.

Gentle parenting is “guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding. It’s about listening, understanding, responding, and communicating.”

~LR Knost

I have goals for my family based on what I don’t want. I honestly don’t really know anyone IRL who has a family I want as a role model. I think we’re all trying to do the best we can, but it’s getting harder and harder to be ignorant about being abusive, mean, punitive.

I wish I had been mature and healthy enough many years ago to have firm goals for my own family, but I’ve had to learn by trial and error, making many mistakes and living with many regrets.

My Family Goals

Forgiving.

Parents, children, siblings, and others…should be ready and willing to forgive each other for most minor squabbles.

For everyday things – the bickering that comes with living closely with someone else.

I have always made it a big priority for our family to be active peacemakers.

I have some issues with forgiving, but I’m working on it.

Accepting.

Some things just don’t matter.

Being accepting doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means boundaries and respect.

Differences are good things. Iron sharpens iron.

Introverts and Extroverts can get along.

We respect and accept how we complement each other’s strengths. I have two very compliant kids and two very absent-minded and somewhat defiant kids. We have to talk things through when expectations clash.

There are all kinds of people in this world and we talk about it all day long and at dinnertime.

I am actively teaching anti-racism to my white children. There are no excuses for exclusion.

Motivating.

We should cheer each other on in our endeavors.

Soccer, baseball, gymnastics, academics, job interviews, promotions, awards.

We should be happy for each other. We should encourage each other to try even if it’s scary or hard.

We cry together and laugh together. We help each other through the big emotions.

We help each other through the bad times and lift each other up and over the hills.

Integrity.

Doing the right thing when no one is watching.

It’s easy to do what we’re “supposed to do” when an authority is watching us.

We live in a society of watchers, rule makers, legalistic check markers.

My father always prided himself on having integrity.

He picked and chose where it lied. He would steal office supplies, short change store clerks, poorly tip service staff, and cheat on his taxes. He’s very racist and anti-poor.

It was confusing for me as a kid, but it’s even harder as an adult as I teach my own kids to do the right thing all the time, in all circumstances, with all people.

Apparently, this idea is bizarre to most people, even Christians.

Loving.

Family members should love each other.

Love looks different to everyone.

It’s important to know the love languages of my kids and spouse and actively try to show it in ways they perceive.

Shoulder time with my son and husband. Ice cream dates. Little gifts. Doing the dishes when they need it. Folding and putting away laundry. Going together for errands. Remembering important dates.

Love is forgiveness and healing. Love is duty and unity.

Love is action.

Yielding.

Living as a family often means yielding my will to someone else’s.

It doesn’t mean I am walked all over or invisible or lose my identity. I can never be called submissive.

It means that I feel the other person is more important or as important as myself.

I want my kids to have empathy and sympathy. I have to model that.

It means apologizing for wrongs. It means compromise.

It means knowing my limits and asking for help. It means self-care.

Ideally, everyone in the family should feel that way and it should be give and take and equally offered.

Sometimes the hardest gift we can give our children is the gift of acknowledging and accepting our own imperfections. Angelita Lim wrote, “I saw that you were perfect and I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.” There is deep truth to that. Our children need to see us being human, being real, being our messy beautiful selves so they know that’s it’s okay for them to be human and real and messy and that it’s all beautiful. Besides, aren’t we all a little more lovable when we’re soft and open and oh-so-velveteen-real instead of acting like we’re flawless, mistake-proof, and sharp-edged perfect? 

L.R. Knost

It’s up to me what my family looks like, what our values are. I have to model it and guide my husband and kids towards the goal.

Linking up: Mostly Blogging, Anita Ojeda, April Harris, Grammys Grid, MaryAndering Creatively, Little Cottage, Kippi at Home, Create with Joy, Mary Geisen, Sallie Borrink, InstaEncouragments, LouLou Girls, Purposeful Faith, Our Three Peas, Grandma’s Ideas, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Ridge Haven Homestead, Welcome Heart, Anchored Abode, Fluster Buster, Ginger Snap Crafts, Girlish Whims, Ducks in a Row, Katherine’s Corner, Penny’s Passion, Debbie Kitterman, Slices of Life, CKK, Life Beyond the Kitchen, OMHG, The Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Momfessionals, Embracing Unexpected, Lyli Dunbar, Fireman’s Wife, Create with Joy, Being aWordsmith, Marilyns Treats,

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INTJ. Only child. Military Wife. Homeschool Mom. Geek. Naturalist. Traveler. Questioning authority since 1976.

I get home after errands and our AC is out but I s I get home after errands and our AC is out but I still made this gorgeous yellowfin tuna, jasmine rice, and sauteed veg, including some fun Japanese eggplant.
What's really devastating is that my parents have What's really devastating is that my parents have these annual agendas they used as journals and they recorded absolutely everything about their daily lives. My father mainly recorded his meals, digestion, sleep schedule, weather, finances, and medical appointments. So I get a glimpse into what my mother 's daily schedule, medical history, meals, thoughts, and feelings were for the past decade and it's glaringly obvious how little she thought of me and my children.I was barely on the checklist. I'm not sure at what point or even how to reconcile this and I just feel very alone.
Since my son has a baseball game tonight right in Since my son has a baseball game tonight right in the middle of dinner time. Southern bento box: salmon patties with remoulade, Cole slaw, Publix tater salad, fried corn. Gonna bring a cup of cherry limeade.
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Comments

  1. ~ linda says

    June 9, 2020 at 11:54 am

    Jennifer, your very first line about not studying for the test of life drew me in immediately. Nor did I! I missed all the answers until I began this aging process. I cared for my mother for 15 years. I am learning to love my sisters as Christ loves. I am learning to be myself instead of what I think others want me to be. FINALLY!! But I am 72 for heaven’s sake! It should not have taken so long to learn just what little I have. Your priorities are so beautiful and the way God desires. He wants to be first in our lives and all else will truly fall into the proper place. When I married for the second time after a terrible first, I also became a Christian at age 45. My precious new husband taught be about being loved for who God created me to be, what submission looked like, what marriage with Christ in the middle looks like. I. was so blessed for those 25 years. God took him by cancer two years ago but God has been with me and loves me as my Husband (Isaiah 54:5). I am blessed. Thank you for reminding me of the beauty of setting our priorities. Caring through Christ, ~ linda

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 9, 2020 at 3:35 pm

      Thank you so much for your testimony.

      Reply
  2. Anita Ojeda says

    June 10, 2020 at 9:27 am

    I’m so sorry you have to constantly experience conflict with your family of origin. It’s exhausting. Don’t give up! We need more people in the world with family values such as you are instilling in your children. Keep fighting for justice.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 17, 2020 at 8:33 am

      It IS exhausting. Thanks for the encouragement.

      Reply
  3. Carlie says

    June 11, 2020 at 9:34 am

    Thank you for being real and vulnerable here, Jennifer! Families are messy, aren’t they? Like you, I don’t think there are any real model ones. But the challenge and joy are to love fiercely despite the ugliness. This is impossible without God’s constant empowerment; I’m so grateful He never gives up on us. Praying for you and your family as you aspire to live for the glory of God.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 17, 2020 at 8:33 am

      Beautiful truths. Thank you!

      Reply
  4. Tea With Jennifer says

    June 11, 2020 at 9:23 pm

    Family issues can be difficult, we need to do what’s best for our own nuclear family seeking God’s wisdom in doing so…as every little family is totally unique. And need to find their own niche & that should be respected by extended family.

    You’re most welcome to join me in a cuppa at Tea With Jennifer,
    Blessings,
    Jennifer

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 17, 2020 at 8:35 am

      Yes, I often feel disrespected despite trying to be open-minded.

      Reply
  5. Lisa notes says

    June 12, 2020 at 11:44 am

    I admire your ability to start fresh with your own immediate family, setting goals that fit your values. God bless you as you deal with such a difficult parent/grandparent to your kids. That’s so tough. :(

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 17, 2020 at 8:35 am

      sometimes it is just so tough. Thanks!

      Reply
  6. angie says

    June 13, 2020 at 10:00 pm

    love your family goals ours are a lot like yours. It makes no sense to stay in a bad mood we love each other so we forgive.
    come see us at http://shopannies.blogspot.com

    Reply
  7. angie says

    June 13, 2020 at 10:00 pm

    love your family goals ours are a lot like yours. It makes no sense to stay in a bad mood we love each other so we forgive.
    come see us at http://shopannies.blogspot.com

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 17, 2020 at 8:34 am

      yes, forgiveness is key.

      Reply
  8. Lois Flowers says

    June 15, 2020 at 6:04 pm

    Jennifer, my heart aches for your situation with your parents, but I’m encouraged to read how proactive you are being about instilling good values into your own children. You are definitely giving them a strong foundation for their futures as adult.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 17, 2020 at 8:34 am

      Thank you! This is the goal.

      Reply
  9. Cherelle | The Inspired Prairie says

    June 17, 2020 at 1:51 am

    Hi Jennifer,

    I didn’t grow up in the best family atmosphere either. And because of that, I’ve had to “teach” myself how to be a good wife (still failing), a good mother (yup, still need work), and just an overall good person because I had no real influence.

    The one thing I really want to work on within myself for my family is also the “motivation”. I am horrible with expressing myself to those I love and I need to work on it.

    Thanks for linking up with us on the Homestead Blog Hop!
    -Cherelle

    Reply
    • Jennifer Lambert says

      June 17, 2020 at 8:34 am

      It is a constant learning process.

      Reply

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