Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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You are here: Home / Family / How We Eliminate Entitlement

How We Eliminate Entitlement

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November 12, 2015 By Jennifer Lambert 36 Comments

With Christmas coming up quickly, I see lots of posts on social media about gift guides, what my friends’ and acquaintances’ kids want for Christmas, how they’re trying to afford all the expectations of the holidays, and so many other holiday issues.

I used to be one of those moms, struggling not to dig us too much further into debt while providing a magical, “curated perfection,” commercial Christmas for our four kids.

I recently saw this on someone’s social media:

My daughter told me that she has figured out who Santa was: “It’s you, Mom. I know that because we never get what we ask for.”

Ouch.

There’s a problem with that attitude in children. And the problem isn’t with Santa. It’s with allowing children to believe they’re entitled.

I refuse to accept that attitude of entitlement in my children.

Eliminating entitlement starts with me.

I must examine my attitude and entitlement issues before I can start to teach my kids. I need to model the attitude I want them to have.

How We Eliminate Entitlement

How we eliminate entitlement:

Education

I want my kids to realize how fortunate they are.

I actively educate them about how the world functions. They have to work to achieve success – financially, personally, and spiritually. It won’t just be handed to them.

We don’t have any needs go unmet. We have more than enough clothing and food. We have a safe, comfortable house filled with furniture, electronics, modern conveniences – luxuries we take for granted – compared to so many others in the world.

We travel to see how the rest of the world lives. We watch documentaries about history and culture. We read, read, read about other cultures and peoples around the world. We especially love missionary stories and living history books to help us really understand.

My kids store away bits of knowledge from our travel experiences and lessons about the world.

I encourage my kids to be self-motivated. We don’t use punishments or rewards.

I want them to understand compassion. We practice the art of apology.

I teach kindness and self-control. We learn about diversity.

These lessons help them to be good citizens of the world.

Temptation

Lead us not into temptation.

It’s sometimes just easier not to know.

We don’t often fall into the comparison trap.

We don’t watch commercials. We didn’t have a TV for years and now we seldom watch live shows. We use Netflix and Amazon for streaming. That eliminates a lot of temptation through marketing and advertisements.

We don’t subscribe to emails or magazines or catalogs that shove ads and deals in our faces.

We don’t go shopping. We go to grocery stores to get food and when we need something and that’s about it. We don’t do shopping as entertainment so we often just don’t know what’s available and that makes it easier.

I shop online (with eBates for cash back!) or occasionally at the Base eXchange if we need a specific item. I use Amazon for almost everything else. Shipping site to store is my new favorite thing. I can just zoom in and out and it’s often free.

This solves so much of the entitlement issue in all of us.

Coveting

Thou shalt not covet.

I try to lead by example.

I used to feel like I needed everything my blog mentors recommended on their sites. Those blogger moms are not my friends. They’re trying to make money by recommending products. I don’t know them and they don’t know me nor have my best interests at heart.

After a couple years and too many “educational toys” and homeschool curricula collecting dust in bins and on shelves, I purged a lot and set better priorities for our home and homeschool.

My kids are homeschooled and we don’t participate in a co-op or many classes outside our home, so they often don’t know what other kids have. We constantly reevaluate this.

We stopped participating in play groups when my younger kids were preschool age because several moms had very material attitudes that I didn’t appreciate. When the playgroup rotated to their houses, I dreaded walking into their IKEA and Pottery Barn paradise where my kids’ eyes danced at the magazine-photo-shoot-ready playrooms with an overwhelming number of toys in a specially kid-dedicated room. Children ruled those homes.

It made me feel worthless and less-than, a bad parent that I couldn’t afford those things nor did we have the space for it. And I didn’t really want it and all the stress that went with it. And we move every few years.

When these moms started discussing preschool options for their children, I felt even worse. They turned on me and scoffed about homeschooling. They actually said out loud they couldn’t wait for the break from their kids when they could throw them into a preschool several mornings per week so they could have freedom. To do what? I wondered.

Even in private Christian preschool, kids talk about toys, clothes, parties, and TV shows! I would have preferred uniforms, even in 4K, so I didn’t have to talk about fashion with my daughter at that time. I’m glad she only went that one year.

I want to protect my kids from this attitude of coveting what others have.

We just have different priorities.

Minimalism

When something new comes in, something old goes out.

Except books. We have 8ish bookshelves bursting with homeschool material, literature, living books, and favorite reads. (We have purged some lower quality books to make room for better ones.)

We periodically do sweeps of the closets and homeschool room and toys to donate or sell – items that are outgrown or no longer used.

My kids are growing and developing their own tastes and preferences. And I couldn’t be prouder of their choices. They are people with opinions.

Liz’s handmedowns aren’t so much to Tori’s tastes, but Katie usually loves them. So, I honor my sweet Tori by purchasing her clothes that are more to her liking. Shoes aren’t a good thing to hand down, so we usually purchase new ones so my kids have healthy, pain-free feet as they grow.

I’m generous with purchasing books that we love or aren’t available at our libraries, especially eBooks for the Kindle app on their iPad minis. eBooks don’t take up any space and work well with our traveling lifestyle!

I feel the need to address why we own iPads since I was called a hypocrite for owning an unnecessary luxury electronic item such as an iPad.

The iPads were gifts from my parents. We graciously accept them and keep them since my children rarely see them. We’re a military family and have lived far away from all family for over 10 years. The iPads come in handy when we move every 2-4 years and when we live out of suitcases in temporary housing for months on end – without our household goods or  school curricula. We have apps to learn languages and review math drills. They each have an email account to keep in touch with friends and family. The games are fun.

As the kids grow, we clear out the toys they played with when they were younger. We clean out the dress-up bin for items that are too small or torn beyond repair.

I try to keep clutter to a minimum.

If toys and clothing are too overwhelming to put away, there are too many and they should be sorted and purged.

Priorities

It’s all about where our focus is.

We prefer experiences over stuff.

I want my children to grow up to be content adults.

I don’t want them only striving to work for the next toy – like the latest technological gadget or boat or whatever.

I want them to live full, engaged lives with healthy relationships.

We focus on courtesy, our faith, loving and giving to others, learning, and being together.

By being so fortunate, we should seek to give to those in need rather than store up riches for ourselves.

Pickiness

A lot of people probably don’t think this has anything to do with entitlement.

Oh, but it does.

A child turning up his or her nose at a plate of food has everything to do with entitlement.

I won’t abide a picky eater. I don’t make short order meals for my family. We eat all meals together every single day.

I do everything in my power not to contribute to the pickiness.

I try to introduce new foods to my children to expand their palate and knowledge. We travel frequently and I want my kids to be aware of what to expect from different cuisines. I don’t want them to be ignorant eaters. I refuse to allow them to smother foods in ketchup or Ranch dressing. It’s just rude.

I offer colorful and tasty nourishment to my kids three times per day, every day! We eat lots of different ethnic cuisines and fun flavors and combinations.

It takes about seven exposures for a child (or adult!) to make an actual determination of like or dislike.

My children must taste a new food. Often, they love it immediately. Other times, they express, “No, thank you.”

I know what my children prefer (and it’s not chicken nuggets and French fries!). They have opinions, preferences. They are people too. I respect them.

I only offer something new once or maybe twice a week.

Sometimes, I will make a meal that I know a particular child doesn’t like so I will make an exception to my rule to prepare leftovers or a plainer version they would rather enjoy. I’m not mean. I know everyone has preferences and I will make concessions. My husband and son detest onions and cooked bell peppers. I get it.

For example, I’ll make cream cheese-stuffed chicken wrapped in bacon, but I make it three ways: plain chicken wrapped in bacon, and cheese-stuffed with and without bell peppers. It’s technically the same meal, but everyone ends up happy. So, I’m happy.

I often make several different side dishes so everyone eats a good vegetable. I know my son likes cauliflower and I love carrots and everyone likes broccoli, so I steam a veggie blend for everyone to pick out what they prefer. When we have salad, I provide a minibar of raw vegetables and fruits for everyone to get what they like.

We mostly drink water. We occasionally have juice or natural soda for special occasions and weekly pizza night.

Relationships

I feel that a sense of entitlement also often spills over into relationships.

We’ve had too many run-ins this last year with parents whose children can do no wrong. These families offer no apologies and revert blame onto anyone else. They’re bullies.

I’ve had to confront parents whose kids have physically assaulted mine, lied about it, bragged about it, and experienced no consequences. So, these kids have learned they can get away with horrendous behavior.

And these parents gloss over it:

“Kids will be kids.”

“They’re not responsible for emotional outbursts since they’re just kids.”

“Boys will be boys.”

No.

A human over the age of 12 is certainly responsible for his actions and should know right from wrong.

My kids are not my equals.

They must be respectful in their words and attitudes.

We talk to our kids and model appropriate behavior, including apologizing and forgiving. We teach courtesy, that dying art.

We teach respect when we go out, tipping wait staff generously and being polite to everyone.

Compassion is very important.

Because all relationships matter.

We’re certainly not perfect.

My kids occasionally whine or complain and I know I do too when I don’t get my way. We’re all growing and learning together.

I gently guide my kids to what is right. I teach them what is wrong.

I encourage them to be responsible and make amends for mistakes, apologizing and seeking forgiveness when necessary.

Because we’re raising servant leaders for a better world.

Linking up: The Resourceful Mama, Curly Crafty Mom, A Life in Balance, Life of Faith, The Modest Mom, Your Homebased Mom, A Proverbs 31 Wife, What Joy is Mine, Rich Faith Rising, ABC Creative Learning, The Educators Spin on It, Simple Life of a Fire Wife, I Choose Joy, Frogs Lilypad, Raising Homemakers, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, A Little R&R, Wondermom Wannabe, The Natural Homeschool, The Stay at Home Mom Survival Guide, Teaching Mama, Adventures of Mel, A Kreative Whim, Life with Lorelai, The 36th Avenue, The Jenny Evolution, Crafty Moms Share,
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Comments

  1. Jayme says

    November 16, 2015 at 6:12 am

    So true!! I agree with everything on here and it is SO important for the heart of us as people to watch this closely… thank you for the great article!~

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 16, 2015 at 8:22 am

      Thanks so much! We must be diligent, for sure!

      Reply
  2. Ana (@ANAWINSblog) says

    November 16, 2015 at 2:11 pm

    Definitely some good tips to go with. A lot for them got me thinking how I could incorporate them into our family. Like you, I do not abide by the picky eater syndrome. That behavior is definitely entitlement to me too. Not many people think that way.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 19, 2015 at 7:20 pm

      Yes, we work to promote healthy eating habits in our kids. I was a very picky eater and my husband is a victim of the “clean plate syndrome.”

      Reply
  3. Stephanie says

    November 16, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    It’s so hard to find a good balance. Raising littles is a hard job, knowing we’re raising up the next generation…especially in such an already entitled world. Thanks for the tips.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 19, 2015 at 7:41 pm

      It is SO HARD sometimes. I constantly re-evaluate for balance.

      Reply
  4. Emily says

    November 16, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    I loved reading this. My son is still pretty young, but we want to raise him without being entitled. We have only bought one toy for my son his entire life because he has been given so much from others and we just don’t want our house to be over run with things. You have given me some great things to think about and practical tips. Thank You!

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 19, 2015 at 7:37 pm

      We’ve had a house overrun with things and we’re much more at peace after the purge. :)

      Reply
  5. Healing Mama says

    November 19, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    This post hit home with me. I practice a few of these things with my kids, and I hope it’s working. However, this lady that worked at Walmart handed my kids Christmas toy magazine to look at. I know she was trying to be nice, but I didn’t want my kids to have it. I was afraid they would start wanting everything in it. Great tips!

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 19, 2015 at 7:39 pm

      YES. Catalogs are the worst, lol. I remember dog-earing the Sears Christmas edition with all the ridiculous things. Who ever bought that stuff? It was like on Silver Spoons.

      Reply
  6. Mamamel says

    November 19, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    I’m sorry. I liked this article until I read the part about each of your children having ipad minis. Just my opinion, I don’t think those are a necessity, and seems like that would encourage entitlement. A bit hypocritical. I do all of the things on your list with my kids, and they are sweethearts… not entitled. And they don’t have or need their own ipad minis for reading. Also, REAL books are way better for them.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 19, 2015 at 7:53 pm

      You are absolutely entitled to an opinion.

      I don’t know why I feel like I must justify anything to you about the possessions we do have. I won’t apologize for a possession you feel is hypocritical to any entitlement issues.

      The iPads were gifts from my parents. We chose to accept them and keep them since my children rarely see them. We’re a military family and have lived far away for over 10 years.

      We have shelves and shelves of REAL books and library cards we max out frequently. The iPads come in handy when we move every 2-4 years while we live without our REAL books or school curriculum for a few months. We have apps to learn languages and review math drills.

      Of course we don’t NEED iPads. We don’t NEED any electronics. We NEED very little, actually.

      We have more than most of the people in the world and I am grateful that I have so much that I feel the need to purge periodically and evaluate our priorities for balance.

      I think there’s a difference between privilege and appreciating possessions and entitlement.

      We have friends, family, and acquaintances who have different worldviews, priorities, and living arrangments. They possess many items we don’t. It’s all about choices and preferences.

      Reply
      • Janelle (JEM) says

        November 20, 2015 at 3:16 pm

        We have tablets and cell phones, it helps to keep in contact with friends that move away, family we barely get time together with. I don’t see ipads as entitlement tools, i see them as little helpers that keep my children close to there missing loved ones. Not to mention that they were bought to keep in contact with dad while he was deployment or gone most of the last 4 years.

        Reply
  7. Lori says

    November 19, 2015 at 6:27 pm

    I know if we lived closer to each other we would be best friends! Everything you’ve said is what I have done with my son. I was just telling my sister the other day since we don’t watch TV or shop, my son doesn’t have a clue to what is “popular”. Thank you for sharing with Thankful Thursdays.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 19, 2015 at 7:38 pm

      It’ll be fun someday when we get to hang out. It’s gotta happen. :)

      Reply
  8. Betty says

    November 20, 2015 at 1:30 am

    Amen. Focus is oh so important. Thanks for sharing this.

    Reply
  9. Kate says

    November 20, 2015 at 6:25 am

    Thanks for linking up!

    Reply
  10. Janelle (JEM) says

    November 20, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    I felt like I was reading about my family, except homeschooling, I do not homeschool. It does not fit my families needs correctly at this time, and provides an argument between my soldier and I. Its not worth the fight when we barely get time together.

    We also, hand-me-down clothes and wear out our shoes so they can’t be, we purge and declutter and I try to avoid picky eaters, one child I think has food allergies cus she just won’t eat much, but always able to fit in her likes with every meal like you explained. I never thought of my lifestyle effecting the entitlement, but I see it now. My kids are less likely to demand things the other families I have been around. This has helped me to put in place a plan for my teen girl that is never happy with mom. Thanks for the idea. Cus teens girls will be teens girls but I expect more from my little adult. I wish our pathes would have crossed in real life, it would have helped to have a friend understand why my furniture doesn’t match and I don’t by a new car yearly…

    Jem
    Ps I seen you on the happy home link party.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 21, 2015 at 10:11 am

      Teens definitely need a plan in place! She is constantly asking us WHY this and WHY that. Like a toddler! But she needs to know the REASONS behind why we live a certain way and not another way.

      Reply
  11. sue says

    November 21, 2015 at 12:49 am

    Hi Jennifer! I totally agree with all you have written. I know with my grandchildren, I can see the signs of getting all they want and not really appreciating it. I am trying to teach them that material things are not as important as spending quality time together and caring for others. Keep up the great message you are spreading and thank you for sharing with us at #WednesdaysWisdom. I hope you will join us at our new link up #OvertheMoon starting December 7.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 21, 2015 at 10:12 am

      Thanks so much and I’ll look for your linkup! Happy Thanksgiving!

      Reply
  12. Christia Colquitt says

    November 21, 2015 at 4:30 am

    Love this post. We homeschool as well, and besides faith being my strongest reason, entitlement is my second. I love having my kids at home where I can train them in these areas every day, all day. I truly feel like it takes that sometimes to fight entitlement. Thank you for the encouragement.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 21, 2015 at 10:12 am

      THAT. Having them home for training. YES YES YES.

      Reply
  13. The Natural Homeschool says

    November 21, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    YES!!! I completely agree! Sharing on my FB page. Thank you for sharing it on my link party!

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 23, 2015 at 10:05 am

      You’re AWESOME. Thanks!

      Reply
  14. Kati says

    November 22, 2015 at 7:42 am

    This is a beautiful list. It is definitely a choice to raise your children without entitlement these days and we am trying. You have so many great ideas here.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 23, 2015 at 10:05 am

      Thanks SO MUCH. It’s definitely a challenge to counter society standards.

      Reply
  15. Helen Neale says

    November 22, 2015 at 6:45 pm

    Thanks so much for sharing with the parenting pin it party. This a really nice post. Cheers, Helen

    Reply
  16. Helena says

    November 23, 2015 at 12:29 am

    Such a great list. We do almost everything except homeschool – my big boy thrives from contact with his peers. He just lights up around others his age and he (and we!) needs that.
    It riled me a little that you felt the need to qualify those iPads. To me they are fantastic learning tools with so many brilliant apps available – how you raise your children is surely your own business unless you’re abusing them?
    Visiting from #busydoinglife

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      November 23, 2015 at 10:07 am

      I have a love/hate relationship with the iPads. :)
      I am thankful we received them as gifts and they are great tools for our lifetstyle.

      Reply
  17. Melissa French, The More With Less Mom says

    November 23, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    Entitlement is not pretty, and it’s so hard to unteach. Thanks for posting. Hello from Inspire Me Wednesday.

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      December 15, 2015 at 9:00 am

      It is ridiculously difficult to unteach! I am all about being proactive!

      Reply
  18. Meri says

    December 15, 2015 at 8:00 am

    I absolutely loved this. Agree with everything, especially GIFTS you’re given that help you homeschool. I feel entitlement is fostered by not having children write Thank You notes for gifts. An iPad is an expensive gift, quite a sacrifice on the part of your parents, did you write and have your children write Thank You notes to your parents for it?

    Reply
    • Jennifer says

      December 15, 2015 at 8:59 am

      I know we thanked them profusely, but I’m not sure if we wrote formal notes at that time. We occasionally Skype and I know the kids draw and write to them sometimes. They did get to thank them in person last summer. The thank you note is such a dying art!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Blog Post Round-up – Karla Ezell Cook says:
    October 17, 2016 at 10:34 am

    […] Royal Little Lambs – How We Eliminate Entitlement […]

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  2. Thanksgiving Unit Study says:
    November 8, 2016 at 6:41 am

    […] forcing them to write gratitude journals or notebooking through thankfulness lists. We practice being thankful all the time. I write Scripture each month with the handy calendars from Sweet Blessings. We read […]

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