It seems that lots of people say sorry, but they really mean “sorry, not sorry.” It’s like a bad joke, but so many people don’t know how to properly apologize. Or they don’t want to or care to make amends in their relationships. That’s just selfish.They blame others. They don’t accept responsibility for doing anything wrong. They actually blame their victims. There’s a lack of empathy.
Victims can’t accept a flippant “sorry” when they need a heartfelt apology.
And the accusers wonder why everyone is so angry.
We seem to live in a society of anger and unforgiveness. There’s little empathy.
Nobody is perfect. We make mistakes. We act stupid. We say dumb things in mean ways.
We need healthy relationships to be happy and that means we apologize when we do wrong and make amends.
Too many of us never learned how to apologize.
We would screw up and our parents or teachers or whatever authority would threaten us and make us say, “Sorry.” It didn’t matter if we meant it. As long as we said it, there were few or no consequences.
So we never learned how to apologize. We never learned the difference between sorry and a real apology. We didn’t learn well enough the concepts of empathy or right from wrong. We might not have learned self-control. We might not have learned cause and effect.
We struggle or fail in our relationships now.
But there are consequences. Eventually, the heart hardens and realizes sorry isn’t good enough.
Broken promises, lying, cheating, the cycles of abuse…
Our society has become numb to sorry.
What is sorry?
Feeling distress, compassion, regret, penitence, guilt, sympathy, pity.
“I’m sorry” is only appropriate when no one is really at fault and there aren’t any reparations.
We say it when we accidentally brush up against someone in a crowded store. We say it when we arrive a few minutes late. “Sorry, please excuse me.”
We also say it to express empathy when something bad has happened and there are no other words that make sense: “I’m sorry for your loss.”
We say it when we didn’t hear or understand: “Sorry, could you repeat that?”
What is an apology?
It’s a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.
It’s more than just saying “I’m sorry.”
It’s more than regret over getting caught doing something wrong.
It’s realizing there was an offense.
It’s recognizing guilt, repenting, and expressing grief over the affront to another.
An object lesson:
Throw a dish to the ground.
Did it break?
Now, tell it you’re sorry.
Is it the same as it was?
Do you understand now?
Don’t make the kids say they’re sorry.
We’ve all been there. Maybe we’ve done this.
Kids do something thoughtless or even mean.
We expect them to be and say “sorry.” We want to teach manners and social acceptance.
Making kids say they’re sorry doesn’t teach them anything.
Making kids say they’re sorry is more about us than them.
What to do instead of making kids say they’re sorry?
- Role model.
- Affirm feelings.
- Offer choices.
- Let them work it out on their own.
How to apologize:
A real apology shows remorse, accepts responsibility, expresses empathy, asks forgiveness, and makes reparation.
Accidents happen. We speak harshly. We hurt those we love most. We forget important events. We are too often thoughtless.
Apologizing sincerely and completely helps to show how important relationships are to us and helps us to heal our hurts and prevent new harm.
Remorse
This is regret over a wrongdoing. It’s the first step in an apology. It’s more than just a quick “I’m sorry” and wanting to hurriedly move on.
Too many never get to the other stages of apology, remaining stuck here and getting angry at the victim for being upset for desiring more closure.
Responsibility
The apologizer must accept responsibility for a wrong committed. A victim must hear and understand the sincerity of the person expressing fault. It’s never comfortable, but it is very necessary.
Empathy
This is expressing understanding of another’s feelings. To realize that the victim is hurt by one’s actions or words is an important step in a real apology. Many scoff at apologies, using sarcasm or gaslighting techniques to minimize feelings and reactions. This is harmful and shatters relationships.
Forgiveness
It’s important to forgive to complete the closure process when one is hurt. This is seldom an instant feeling or action. A victim must feel safe and realize the sincerity of the apologizer not to repeat the words or actions. Sometimes, praying together helps healing.
Reparation
Sometimes, there is nothing that can make it right. Words can’t be taken back. Actions remain a vivid memory. True repentance is important. It’s more than flowers and chocolates to get out of the doghouse. It takes lots of work – daily, hourly, every minute – showing love and desire to heal relationships.
A genuine apology should say: “I realize and regret that I did or said {this} wrong. I validate your feelings about it. I won’t do it again. Please forgive me. How can I make it right?”
A great way to remember how to apologize is the PANDA method.
These are such good words. And I agree, that we use the word “sorry” too easily these days, and have not learned to offer a true apology, and at the same time how to truly forgive. I am so thankful, though, that Jesus is here as we make that choice to be truthful before Him and others. Blessings to you!
Yes, so thankful Jesus is our reconciliation!
Very insightful! I have been guilty many times of simply saying “I’m sorry” without giving my words much thought. I love the points on a true apology!
We’re all guilty, but it’s important to think about it.
As my relationship with Christ grew stronger, that is when I began to understand better the difference between I’m sorry and having a repentant heart, Jennifer. I wrote about that in my book. We may be sorry we got caught or made a mistake, but there should be more. I thank God for His undeserved grace in forgiving me. Thank you for sharing these poignant insights Jennifer.. I hope you and yours have a fantastic holiday season, and may God richly bless you and yours in 2018.
Thank you so much! Blessings and Merry Christmas!
Jennifer, this is wonderful, and may actually contribute to some much lighter and more joyful holiday celebrations in the coming days. What excellent timing on this post!
Thanks! I hadn’t thought of the timing. I pray it helps.
The big part of what we’re missing with apologies in our society today is ‘responsibility.’ often they are made only b/c we realize wrongdoing or that we are sorry we got caught, but never really intend on taking personal responsibility for our actions. I think believers would do well to really examine what we are sorry for and ask God to lead us through all the steps you outlined here. Thanks.
Yes! Responsibility is absolutely missing from society.
Great points, Jennifer. Thanks for sharing. Merry CHRISTmas to you and your family. ((hug))
just shared – already had to walk through all those. steps. this week – by God’s grace, I was forgiven!
We’ve seen so many public “so-called apologies,” where the offender merely makes excuses for his or her behavior. But you don’t have to be a politician or a famous person to make lousy apologies. As you said, few of us learned to do it right. And doing it right is hard and humbling. Thanks for talking about an important subject. By the way, Peacemaker Ministries has additional good information on this subject.
Ah, I’d forgotten about Peacemaker! They do have great resources. Thanks!
Oh yes, so very true! It is an art that I am desperately trying to teach my boys. It’s so hard to help them understand how to really feel it when they’ve done something wrong rather than just brush it off with a shrug or a careless “well, I didn’t mean it so it doesn’t really count” kind of attitude. I hope I model it appropriately and that they too will learn how to really apologize in time. Such a great post. Pinned.
This is a tough one. It seems we are taught to use the word ‘sorry’ but really not taking it to the heart level. Thank you for this!
and thank you for sharing this week at Encouraging Hearts & Home blog hop!
Thanks for sharing this. Merry Christmas and happy new year!
I am very guilty of just throwing around the word “I’m sorry.” I say it too much…It kinda drives me crazy that I do this instead of using other more appropriate words like excuse me. I also use it just to “move on” from something. This is especially true with my husband, I do something he doesn’t care for and sometimes if I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I just say “I”m sorry” so the conversation moves on. My apologies are usually sincere, but it would be much more real if I didn’t overuse “sorry.” Thanks for your insight on this!
This is wonderful! And something that we all need to think about and train up our children in. I see all too often in my children that they think that a quick “I’m sorry” will get them out of trouble. When you have them come to you and actually say what they did wrong and then “I’m sorry” you will see a completely different reaction out of them. I loved this!!
Thank you so much for linking up with Live Life Well! Hope to see you again tomorrow! :)
Blessings,
Amy
This is a wonderful post, Jennifer. Heartfelt apologies are a blessing to the wounded party, and to the person who has wronged them as well. Thank you so much for sharing this at the Hearth and Soul Link Party. Wishing you and yours a Blessed New Year! Hope to see you at the first Hearth and Soul Link Party of 2018 on January 8th.
I love this post, Jennifer! You’re right: saying “sorry” has become almost meaningless. Yet we all make mistakes, and we need to know how to truly apologize and make things right. I especially appreciate your bold statement that “a real apology shows remorse, accepts responsibility, expresses empathy, asks forgiveness, and makes reparation.”
Thanks so much for joining the Grace at Home party at Imparting Grace. I’m featuring you this week!
Thank you!
What an important lesson and one that too often is overlooked these days. I’ve always felt that apologizing doesn’t diminish a person – frankly, I respect a person who can and will apologize more than someone who never admits wrongdoing. This is one of my featured picks from the Over the Moon link party and featured on my blog.
Thanks so much!
I’ve enjoyed your thought-provoking contribution to Literacy Musings. I hope to read more next week.