I can’t stop my tears this week.
It’s October but I feel like it’s February in my soul.
It’s been a busy week. I finally made it to grocery store at dinnertime on a Saturday night. Completely out of milk and bread. This is the epitome of domestic bliss, right? Saturday night grocery shopping, alone.
They’ve rearranged and updated the store over the last month or so. I still can’t find anything and I used to have the store memorized and my list according to aisle. I wandered around the store three times before I found the bread aisle. I was hungry and exhausted and I needed to get home to make dinner.
I cried in the bread aisle at Kroger, y’all.
They’ve been out of our favorite brand of bread for over two weeks, at multiple stores. There was a preschooler having a four alarm full-blown on the floor tantrum an aisle over that echoed throughout the store, and I felt a spirit bond with her.
It was like the final straw for me this week. I just lost it in the face of so much hate, evil, and sorrow happening in the world, in our country, in our cities, in our churches. It’s overwhelming at times.
I feel so useless just going through the motions of mothering, homeschooling, housework, taxi service to the kids. Barely blogging, working just a little from home, trying to help with little tidbits where I can. Finding projects that I can do. Cutting costs, trying to save wherever to pay off debts more quickly.
My eldest just turned eighteen years old. So much potential and the scary world all wide open before her. She’s more mature, capable, honest, and confident than I was…like a year ago.
What have I done? What do I have to show for eighteen years?
I want to do so much more.
Earlier, I cried when my middle daughter carved her brother’s jack o’lantern. I am ashamed that I didn’t, couldn’t. She is an artist and oh, so capable. She runs circles around me with her abilities and energy and strength.
Today, I cried when my son dusted the entire house because he saw it needed it. They canceled his last baseball game of the season due to bad weather. His always cheerful attitude slays me. I’m more disappointed than he will ever be.
My youngest daughter’s drawing artwork chokes me up with her talent and abilities. What will she do in the future? She is fearless.
My children are better than I am.
And that’s how it should be, what I want for them.
I’ve cried every day recently, multiple times a day, about what I see in the news and on social media – the fear, hatred, evil, sorrow…but also so much kindness, joy, hope, love.
Let us love. Let us be kind.
May we have hope.