I spent 27 years maintaining a broken façade.

It’s taken me over 15 years to tear it all down.

I was a never good enough daughter. I was an average student. I was a terrible wife to an abusive husband. I can’t hold a successful job.

Then I was striving to be a good military wife.

I struggled to be a certain kind of homeschool mom.

Now I’m rebuilding.

I have an irresistible impulse to go home again in order to find myself.

But I don’t know where home is.

Deconstruction is a philosophical movement and theory of literary criticism that questions traditional assumptions about certainty, identity, and truth.

Jacques Derrida

Deconstructing into Wholeness

We’re all living in a time of deep social and spiritual upheaval. We’re off autopilot, all of us, reassessing everything.

Bob Holmes

Evaluation

When I didn’t know any better, it was hard.

I occasionally caught glimpses of a different perspective that I wanted but I didn’t understand it nor how I could achieve it.

I questioned everything. It was so important to me that I judged everything and wanted to know why instead of just blindly following.

I think we live in a very sick society and too few question how and why we are complacent.

But maybe every life looked wonderful if all you saw was the photo albums. People always obediently smiled and tilted their heads when a camera was put in front of them.

Liane Moriarty

When I had kids, I knew I wanted a good life for them, better than what I had. I knew I needed to completely reevaluate every single priority and choose wisely.

I tried so many different paths and it was terrible for my kids to have to walk with me while I discovered who I wanted to be.

What is truth? What do I want our truth to be?

Choices

Every single day, we experience choices.

Some choices don’t seem important or life-changing. There are articles, studies, books about making good choices and how even very simple decisions can impact our lives.

I didn’t have good choices. I didn’t have mentors or role models to help.

It’s taken me years to unravel and begin making better choices. My kids have good choices.

Making good morning choices is very important to ensure a good day.

I am not a morning person, but I try to get up at a reasonable hour.

I exercise three times a week before going downstairs to start my day. Sometimes, it’s just a few minutes but it makes a difference.

I make my bed every single day. It pleases me to see it neat and pretty.

I make a hot breakfast for my kids every weekday morning.

I wash a load of laundry every day and I put it away.

We read every day – aloud, together, separately. Reading is important.

We have a hot dinner together as a family every evening.

I take a walk outside every single day. Outside time is important.

I choose not to give into depression.

Reset

If I notice something off or someone seem excessively irritable, I look for a source for those symptoms.

I realize we have to reset.

We’ve maybe gotten too busy or rushed if someone is feeling stressed or anxious. We need to reevaluate our priorities and make some changes in our choices.

Nothing is certain. Everything is fluid and mutable.

Some weeks are just stressful and busy. I look to the light at the end of the appointments and meetings and sports practices for when I can rest a bit.

Self-Control

It’s super important for me to model self-control and help my kids learn to self-regulate.

We all experience big emotions sometimes and few of us has ever learned healthy ways to recognize or express those big feelings. It’s good to sit with feelings and learn to understand them.

I try to take time to talk through conflicts or issues rather than just reacting. Often a child experiences something and I feel triggered and have to take a break to experience that and realize I am not under attack.

We’ve come a long way and we are still learning.

Remodel

I still feel like I am searching for my identity.

Layers of irrelevant desires have peeled away during my 46 years. I am still seeking meaning and peace.

Just like I’m always updating my home and cleaning, adding, or removing, improving…I am doing the same things to my soul.

We’ve tried so many churches and spiritual paths over the years. I have gone full circle to the natural spirituality of my youth. We stopped going to church with all its racism and sexism and abuse a few years ago.

I remodel myself and remove all the false teachings I learned as a child from people who didn’t know any better or struggled with themselves. Many adults caused more harm than help and I am relearning healthier ways.

Introspection

I wasn’t always like this. I had to be reduced to ashes before realizing not everyone can withstand my darkness or sustain my light.

L.L. Musings

I’ve long known that I feel and seem different from most women. I never had close female friends. I didn’t fit in. I don’t have the same likes as many of the moms I’ve known over the years.

I don’t know what to do or what to say in many social situations.

There were too many shallow interactions. I don’t want to be in your wino book club, drunk Bunko, or shopping/lunch bunch. I don’t want to be in a Bible study where the ladies just sit around and brag how much better they are than others.

I prefer more to life than drinking and capitalism.

I don’t want shallow interactions or relationships. I would rather be alone.

Now, I just refuse to participate. I’m mostly fine being alone. It does seem odd to most people that I have absolutely zero friends, no support system, no one to put as an emergency contact.

Words like neurodivergence fly about and maybe I am… Maybe I’m on the spectrum. I know when and where and how I am comfortable.

I don’t want to compromise myself anymore.

I expect to continue to spend many more years learning and leaving behind the self I don’t want to be as I slowly become who I am.

Resources:

• Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld 
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
• The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté
• When the Body Says No: the cost of hidden stress by Gabor Maté
• The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma Kindle Edition by Bessel van der Kolk
• Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth to the World by Beth Berry
• The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle
• Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr

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