He just turned three.

And with this birthday comes an undesirable.

Defiance.

I plan to nip it in the bud.

I noticed the defiance and feared it when we were potty training a month or so ago.

We took the Pull-Ups away during the day. We bought cute Diego and Cars underwear.

It was time, I said.

I didn’t want a three year old still in diapers.

Yet he still wet his pants.

He had tantrums about sitting on the toilet, with a little Cars potty seat insert, even going toward the bathroom. We even bought a plastic urinal. Yes, we did. He wouldn’t use that either.

He understood the whole concept of where the waste goes: in the toilet.

When questioned about why he still wet his pants, he answered defiantly:

“’Cuz I said yes. ‘Cuz I want to.”

OK, little boy.

I prayed. I cajoled. I bribed. Nothing doing.

Then, a couple successes and the cheers and hugs and kisses.

He seemed embarrassed by the attention.

But he decided it was better than the previous battle.

Whew!

And now, this defiance last week…

Me: “We keep our shoes on at church. Say ‘yes, ma’am.’”

Alex: shakes head. sticks lip out and tucks chin on his chest.

Me: “Say ‘yes, ma’am,’ please.”

Alex: “I don’t want to.”

Me: “Say ‘yes, ma’am’ so we can go eat and play.”

Alex: shakes head. lip out. “I don’t want to!”

So, I take him into the sanctuary. I ask him questions.

Me: “Do you love Jesus?”

He shakes his head.

Me: “Do you see that up on the wall?”

He nods.

Me: “Do you know what it is?”

He nods. “Cross.”

Me: “Do you know Who was on it?”

Alex: “Jesus.”

Me: “Do you know why Jesus was on the cross?”

He shakes his head. (and apparently I need to step up his Christian education!)

So I explain the Gospel to Alex.

I know it must be difficult for him to understand because many adults struggle to comprehend.

We hold hands. I pray aloud in the dark sanctuary, alone, with Alex and Jesus. I pray for His help to soften Alex’s heart, to help him be obedient, to love Jesus. I pray for His help in parenting, for patience and for me not to crush this little boy’s spirit over a pair of shoes.

He still won’t say “yes ma’am” to me.

My husband comes in and admonishes Alex and offers to take over, but this is a battle about shoes for Alex’s soul and I will win it.

He still won’t say “yes ma’am.”

I ask my husband to please carry Alex to the van.

On the way out, I tell Elizabeth to go to the van too, since she lied about completing her daily assignments. Oh, I’m working out everything tonight! No one is getting away with defiance anymore!

We get home and Liz and Alex change into their pajamas. I lay out the dinner that my husband quickly had packed up for us from the church.

We sit in silence.

Alex still won’t say “yes ma’am.”

At least Elizabeth is contrite about the assignments. She completed one the second she walked in the door. She finished another two after we ate. {Then I realize she lied about other assignments. No more trust. This is another story.}

I can see Alex itching to pick up his fork. I calmly watch him. He tucks his chin and mumbles, “yes ma’am.”

We may eat.

Hallelujah!

He was so compliant and cheerful the rest of the evening!

I am glad I didn’t get angry.

I remained calm to teach him this lesson. I won’t have rebellious children. I am fighting a spiritual battle.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.

~John 15:1-17

Some of you may disagree with my parenting methods.

But I realize that my leniency with Elizabeth when she was younger is coming back to bite me now.

I also know that training Alex while he is young will make everyone happier later on. He’s just a little boy.

He will soon be a big boy, and then a man.

I don’t want him to be disrespectful or a slacker. I want him to grow up and do radical things for God and he needs to learn a love for Jesus and obedience to his parents now. Something told my spirit that the silly little battle over his taking off his shoes was a milestone in his behavior training. I do pick and choose my battles. Often things don’t matter, but absolute defiance is inappropriate and needs to be pruned.

If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, do not consider yourself to be superior to those other branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you. You will say then, “Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in.” Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but tremble. For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either.

Consider therefore the kindness and sternness of God: sternness to those who fell, but kindness to you, provided that you continue in his kindness. Otherwise, you also will be cut off. And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more readily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!

~Romans 11:17-24

I want to lead my family like Jesus. I recommend this book. I teach it to my Sunday school class. It’s full of great stories from real Godly parents who desire to teach their kids Godly values just like us. There is but one priority: to glorify God.