How Deployment Affects Kids

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November 26, 2018 By Jennifer 12 Comments

Our first deployment, the kids were young.

Our kids were 9, 4 1/2, 3 1/2, and 9 1/2 months.

He left for Kandahar, Afghanistan, in mid-January. I was all alone in Utah – far from family, and friends were almost non-existent.

I’m pretty self-sufficient.

Sure, I had some bad days.

We had a blizzard. I burned the garlic toast one night at dinner. We had a basement flood on Memorial Day.

Overall, we did well, considering.

Our second deployment, the kids are older.

They’re 18, 12, 11, and 8.

It’s so different, but not necessarily easier.

As a homeschooling mom of 4, deployment can be lonely and difficult at times. We have no help – no family nearby, no support system. We are self-reliant. I am an introvert.

I simplify for sanity some days, or even weeks. Sometimes, I buy storebought baked goods, rotisserie chickens for dinner, canned biscuits, and these new natural Lunchables. My time is valued and these shortcuts help us a lot when life gets hectic. We’ve even gone out to eat a few times!

Cutting corners is fine. I have to give myself a break.

I don’t want to drive 4 kids all over town every day or all weekend. I limit errands and activities to save time and money and yes, it’s hard to say no sometimes. I have to judge what’s the best use of our time and money. I can’t be in two places at once. We participate in activities together as much as possible – art lessons, classes at our local craft stores, rec sports at the same park.

Bedtime is earlier. After dinner, I’m just spent. I want to take a bubble bath and lie in bed watching Netflix with my cats.

My kids are older now and they can help a lot more around the house. The kids understand. I use Facebook Messenger Kids to remind them to load the dishwasher.

Holidays can be different. We don’t have to eat turkey at Thanksgiving. We can celebrate Christmas on a different, more convenient, day. We can eat a picnic in the living room with the TV on.

We maintain routines as much as possible for our comfort and my sanity.

We pray and read and cook and eat. We get outside and exercise almost every day, no matter the weather. We snuggle and love the cats.

We allow the tears and sadness because it’s healthy to express all emotions.

How Does Deployment Affect Kids?

Most people think deployment must just be really hard and negative for families. While there are certainly sad times, I think deployment can help families grow stronger.

Infants

My son didn’t much seem to notice anything different. I was his primary caretaker and that didn’t change. If he noticed or wondered why Dad wasn’t home evenings or weekends all of a sudden, he couldn’t communicate that question.

My son was mostly oblivious to everything during the first deployment. It was just regular life for him. Of course, he picked up on my emotions and stress. It seemed like Dad missed so much – his first steps and his first birthday. So much growth.

It was a little awkward with the homecoming and he sorta remembered Dad, but it took a little while for them to get comfortable with each other again.

Toddlers

Kids in this age group are not known for flexibility or handling change well. I think it’s hard to explain something complex like deployment to small children.

They wonder if he’s coming back, if he’ll be safe or get hurt. They develop abandonment issues. They become very clingy. It’s hard for them to express emotions and handle stress.

My youngest daughter was and is pretty independent and I don’t think she was too concerned about Dad being gone, but she wasn’t really able to process or express anything about it.

I kept the kids on a routine to help us all adjust more easily.

Preschoolers

It was so super hard on my middle daughter during the first deployment. She pretty much slept in my bed the entire time Dad was gone. She struggled with abandonment feelings. She struggled with middle child issues. She couldn’t process her emotions nor express her fears. She’s always been our sensitive one.

It helped her to grow. She’s strong now as a 12 year old and amazes me every day as my helper in all things.

Elementary

My eldest daughter has always had to be strong for her siblings, and sometimes even for me. She’s had to be responsible from a very young age. She was a huge help during the first deployment.

My 8 year old son is feeling it hardest for this second deployment. He’s gotten better into a routine now that we’re about halfway through. There are lonely times for him as the only boy in a houseful of girls. I help him use his time serving, helping, and learning.

He misses his Dad.

Tweens

My middle girls at age 11 and 12 are pretty indifferent about this second deployment. They chat and FaceTime with Dad frequently and they don’t really feel (or don’t express) the distance. They send him photos on email and chat and create drawings for the care packages we send. Maybe they’re just well adjusted and accepting.

Teens

My eldest is now eighteen, and fairly independent. She still relies on me for advice and help, especially during crises. She hasn’t taken her driving test yet for her license yet.

But sometimes, she thinks she knows everything. She’s not very affected by the deployment. She helps at home and works with me on schedules so I can do everything we need to do. I know she’s angry and wishes her life had been different.

Don’t we all have regrets? Military life has its ups and downs but we’ve had amazing opportunities. She realizes this, but sometimes feels disappointment at our lack of roots.

She’s learning valuable lessons about fidelity, duty, love, and relationships.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Military life builds resilience, flexibility, independence, value, and perspective.

I’m making memories with these kids – who are living for 8ish months without a father, except on FaceTime, messenger, and email. I have to make it as special and good as possible. I do try to hide my negative emotions and I try never, ever, to lash out at them when I’m stressed. I don’t want Dad to only hear about problems. He needs to be part of the joy and celebration too, so he doesn’t feel he’s missing so much.

After close to a year apart, we have to learn each other again.

Yes, it’s hard sometimes.

They know we’re in this together.

You might also like My Tips for Surviving Motherhood During Deployment.

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Celebrating Holidays During Deployment

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November 19, 2018 By Jennifer 5 Comments

Deployment.

The HoLidAyS.

Halloween to New Years.

Can you say S-T-R-E-S-S?

The holidays get me down anyway, and doing them alone is no fun at all. If it were just me, I would forego the whole winter season completely.

I do it for the kids.

October to January. It feels like so many expectations to make everything perfect, all by myself.

The kids are older now and they have a say. They like to stay home, mostly.

We don’t want potlucks with strangers. We don’t participate in events on base. We don’t know the people Dad works with at all.

We stopped going to church because it was so fake. I don’t want pity or questions. I’m healing in my solitude.

How We Celebrate the Holidays During Deployment:

Tradition

For many families and certainly for young kids, maintaining tradition is important. It offers continuity and comfort. We have certain expectations every year. Some things can be omitted or mixed up, but other things are just necessary for the holiday to feel special.

I’m an only child, so we really never did much on holidays, except with my grandmothers and they passed when I was a teenager.

My husband’s parents passed the first year we married. We’ve never celebrated holidays with family.

It was a blank slate.

We could create our own traditions!

We like to keep things simple. It keeps my stress levels down, knowing I don’t have to make everything perfect and Pinterest-worthy. We don’t do Santa. We do St. Nicholas, but they know it’s me.

For our family of six, we have several traditions.

We make and eat latkes the first night of Hanukkah, even though we’re not Jewish. We learned about Judaism in depth for homeschool church and world history and we’ve just always continued with some of the Jewish traditions.

We like to drive around, looking at Christmas lights. This is the first year in ages that we didn’t do that. I just couldn’t fit it in with the weather, kids’ schedules, and my parents visiting.

We try new recipes for cookies, muffins, cakes.

We watch certain movies during the holiday season.

New Traditions

Shopmas, er, Thanksgiving, is kind of a worthless holiday for us. We practice gratitude year-round.

My eldest doesn’t even like turkey. Only one child likes dressing/stuffing. There’s hardly a point making a lot of food for Thanksgiving that no one likes. We don’t care about or watch football. We can have pizza on Thanksgiving if we want to. I can make a mini buffet of lots of little snacks or appetizers and we can all eat what we like. We can do what we want. We can go to the movies. It doesn’t matter. No one dictates to us! Maybe it will even become a new tradition.

My son just announced that he can’t wait for Thanksgiving! He loves turkey and my homemade pie. Well, then. Guess there will be no deviating from that tradition at this time.

We don’t do Black Friday or Cyber Monday. I’ve been finished with holiday shopping for weeks. We want a debt-free holiday.

We eat an awful lot of ham year-round so it’s just not special. I’m not making a prime rib without my husband here to enjoy it. We can have Chinese food, Italian, or anything we want for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners! There’s a scary freedom to that.

There are some things only Dad can do or do well. So without him here, I have to mix things up.

We normally make chicken wings on New Year’s Eve, but I’m kinda scared of the deep fryer. We may have a living room picnic with a movie or even go out. Update: I did great frying chicken wings!

We can go to a movie on New Year’s Day. We usually have the traditional Southern pork, greens, and black-eyed peas for dinner.

We really like Chinese New Year and often make Asian food or go out for a special meal.

Travel

We used to travel over holidays.

The long 4-day Thanksgiving weekend offered great opportunities when we lived in Germany – and we went to Prague, Porto, and Venice. We went to Maui and Rome over Christmas.

We’ve been saving money and I don’t know if I want to venture out too far in snow or ice. I’m from Georgia.

My parents are 12 hours away by car.

My eldest works more when school is out.

I know lots of families move in with family or visit extensively to stave off the loneliness.

Presents

We are always trying to be frugal and debt-free, but I’m doing presents this year.

Yes, there is a bit of guilt that Dad’s not here and I probably spent more than I would have if he were home.

We may open some gifts during the nights of Hanukkah. We may open them all on Christmas Eve. I’m letting the kids decide but they can’t complain later.

Presents aren’t the most important part of the holidays, but they’re fun. The anticipation is exciting.

Presence

There’s only me, so I feel obligated to do all the things.

We celebrate Advent with reading and candles every evening.

We spent the cold dreary days and nights together playing board games, Wii, reading, puzzles, baking.

Sometimes the togetherness gets to be a bit much and we separate to draw, read, cook, watch Netflix, or sit with the cats.

I want to rest in the presence of Jesus during Advent.

I want to model calm presence throughout the holidays in spite of the chaos and loneliness.

How do you celebrate holidays when your spouse is deployed?

You might also like

10 Gifts for a Military Family

How Deployment Affects Marriage

How Deployment Affects Kids

Navigating Motherhood During Deployment

Homeschooling During Deployment

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

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How Deployment Affects Marriage

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November 12, 2018 By Jennifer 11 Comments

Deployments are stressful for married couples.

Of course being separated – for many months or a year – can create stress on a marriage.

Deployment exacerbates any issues already existing in the relationship.

I’m independent and capable and efficient. Being a single mom for seven months isn’t that much of a hardship for me. I make most of the household decisions anyway. Some people gave me side eye when they learned about the deployment and I wasn’t sufficiently devastated as they expected me to be. I take things as they come.

I know some spouses who can’t even go to the store alone, much less successfully navigate a deployment without loads of daily help from friends and family. But, to each her own, I guess.

We actually made this deployment decision together, to strengthen our marriage, and help his career.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

It takes lots of extra work to make marriage work in the military, and especially during long separations.

How to maintain a successful marriage during deployment:

Communication

We live in an era of easy communication. The Internet makes the impossible possible. Thousands of miles and oceans apart, and we can see each other face to face and chat daily. My grandma didn’t have that luxury, only seeing my grandpa on shore duty after months at sea, raising their two boys alone.

I’m not into small talk but I have to make myself available and chatty even when I don’t feel like it. I’m an extreme introvert.

He doesn’t care about care packages. He doesn’t want much. He asks for K Cups and garlic salt. So exciting. Also, some deployment locations limit items such as pork products or comic books, and it just stresses me out that he might get in trouble if I don’t read the ingredients on a jerky packet closely enough. I’m not going to waste time, effort, and money sending things he doesn’t want or need and that he’ll just give away to others.

He’s not much of a reader. I would love to read a book together and discuss it. But he’s not into that. I do often send him screenshots of my eBooks with highlighted text.

We don’t really watch the same shows much either. We sometimes recommend movies or shows to each other, but we don’t watch anything together regularly.

He likes sugarcoating and I’m very blunt. Texts and emails seem worse without any tone or facial expressions to lighten them. We can’t really afford to get offended.

I don’t want to come at him with only problems and bad news. I have to temper everything. But it seems that everything that can will go wrong during a deployment.

We have to make more of an effort to communicate well since we’re apart for a long time.

I’m often melancholy when I can’t share events, milestones, or something special with him.

I miss you in waves and tonight I’m drowning.

Finances

I’m using this opportunity of 7+ months of separation pay to pay off the credit card and not acquire any more debt.

I’m not a shopper anyway, so it’s easy for me to be frugal.

The kids and I keep busy and don’t fall into retail therapy to make ourselves feel better. We shop for needs and a few wants and items for the holidays.

I seem to save lots of money on utilities, household expenses, and by staying home, making it easier to pay off the debt. So much less laundry!

Temptation

I suppose temptation might be an area for many marriages to worry about.

I’m not very social and I’m very private. We’re loyal. We’re committed. It’s not really an issue.

Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely.

I rarely talk to people, and certainly not men. I’m not around men. I’m not around anyone, really. We don’t go to church anymore. There aren’t any stay at home, homeschooling dads in my circles for me to be concerned. I don’t even chat online with anyone except my family members.

I’m not one to be easily tempted and I would recognize the potential danger and immediately extricate myself because I want to maintain integrity. Trust is important.

It might be harder for some people in different circumstances. It might be difficult for lonely and bored deployed members seeing certain others day in and day out, in close quarters. Maintaining professional distance is important. Don’t confuse being nice with flirting.

I don’t believe in a deployment sex pact or “what happens in deployment, stays in deployment.” That’s not healthy.

I’m not sure what some spouses are up against, but guarding hearts and minds and removing oneself from dangerous situations is imperative.

I’ve read about too many marriages breaking up after deployments due to affairs and it’s very heartbreaking.

It’s very depressing at most deployment locations. It’s all neutral colors, poor weather and food, little entertainment or activity. He misses us. He misses affection.

It’s hard for us too.

Self Improvement

During the first deployment, he completed a training course that he needed to make the next rank. That was convenient and easy for us.

He goes to the gym a lot. There’s not much else for him to do.

I read a lot. Like, a whole lot. And there are no interruptions for me now!

I’m constantly improving myself. I collect knowledge.

It’s easy for me to use these months alone to read more, watch more uplifting shows, write, research, educate myself, walk in nature, pray, think…and all the things that too often get interrupted on weekends and evenings.

I keep him updated on my progress and what I’m learning so he’s not totally lost and thinks I’m a different person when he returns. That’s a very real consideration. People grow, and can more easily grow apart while separated. It’s a concern I actively counter with communication.

Parenting

As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, this is my job. And now I’m doing it mostly alone for many months.

The kids keep on carrying on while Dad is away. It’s hard when I can’t share their milestones with their father. He’s missing out.

Of course, they rely on me as their mom for almost everything anyway. It takes some pushing and prodding for them to ask Dad for anything even when he’s home, and certainly they learn he’s not available to help much or take the load off me when he’s away.

I remind him to ask them about what they’re learning, reading, doing – to keep communication open and maintain relationship while he’s away. And I have to coax everyone during reintegration.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

With the time change, it’s even harder to connect sometimes with his work schedule. We have to make extra effort.

He trusts me to maintain a peaceful home for these kids – who are living for 8 months without a father, except on FaceTime. I have to make it as special and good as possible.

We’re in this together.

You might also like:

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

Tips to Navigate Motherhood During Deployment

A nifty little checklist to keep marriage strong during deployment.

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Military Children and Toxic Stress

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October 13, 2018 By Jennifer Leave a Comment

This post is done in partnership with Stress Health, an initiative of the Center for Youth Wellness, but the opinions expressed are my own.

For military children, toxic stress can be an ongoing threat.

I know there have been seasons when we’ve been under extreme stress, and I’ve done all I can to alleviate it to keep our family on an even keel. Sometimes, it’s just so hard.

Life comes at us fast. Marriage, babies, elderly parents with illness or death, moving around a lot — sometimes on short notice or being deployed overseas, losing jobs and career as I follow my husband.

It seems that we’ve done it all.

Some years, we test really high on the stress index. It’s been a roller coaster of fifteen years and counting.

You can take Stress Health’s quiz to find out if you experienced the kind of childhood adversity that predisposes you to toxic stress.

We are fortunate to have four very resilient kids.

Children may be at special risk from the stress of military life.

Living with high stress almost all the time can mirror symptoms of ADHD and PTSD (post-traumatic syndrome disorder). Behavioral and emotional issues can arise from living in perpetual flight or fight mode. It feels like constant anxiety.

Stress that Affects Military Families:

Permanent Change of Station orders (PCS)

Military life involves moving frequently. Moving is always stressful, even if it’s desired and exciting. There’s just so much to do.

Kids can get lost in the shuffle of organizing and packing, traveling and unpacking.

Taking some time to comfort and explain the moving process to kids helps them to work through their emotions. There’s a lot involved in preparing for a PCS. We each process our grief in different ways when leaving a new place and starting over.

We like to give our kids little jobs to help them own the process and feel more in control during this tumultuous time.

We purge our household goods every few years before each move and have the kids help, sorting through things they’ve outgrown. They can label their toys and choose which ones to take in their backpacks. They can put personalized stickers on their room’s boxes to easily recognize them for unloading and unpacking. They get to arrange and decorate their rooms in the new house.

Deployment

Having a parent leave for months at a time is stressful on a family.

It can be dangerous for the deployed spouse, depending on his job and location.

Communication is often sporadic – and never seems available when we need it.

Anything that can go wrong seems to go wrong during deployment – injury, illness, flood, cats dying, car trouble.

Helping kids through this difficult time is a priority.

We gave our young kids pillows with pictures of Dad during our first deployment. He recorded a little book that they looked at and listened to often.

The time difference is always an issue. We have a clock labeled with the time where Dad is located. We have a countdown calendar that I printed for our youngest to mark off each day that Dad is away.

The kids each have their own iPad minis, and they often message or video-chat with Dad now that they’re older.

It’s hard to balance events of home life when I’m basically acting as a single mom to four kids. They rely on me and each other, and there’s no one to help.

Sometimes, it’s lonely and a struggle. Weekends and holidays just suck.

Homecoming is also stressful.

The expectations just don’t match the reality.

We’re not really into posters and balloons and warm fuzzy videos.

We do get to meet him at the airplane gate: That’s a perk. He’s tired and greasy from maybe 24 hours or more of travel. We’re excited but feel trepidation for the reintegration process.

I feel that any joyful moments are stolen from us when commanders and coworkers arrive at the airport baggage claim to welcome him home. There’s no privacy. I hate feeling like all eyes are on me, observing my reactions too closely. We probably don’t look or feel happy enough. We’re all running on adrenaline.

At that point, we just stand aside, uncomfortable and awkward as the military members surround him to share their understanding of the deployment.

We feel lost and forgotten.

It can take weeks to get back to a routine and used to each other again. The kids don’t know whether to smother him or ignore him. Life has gone on for months in his absence. The kids and I have all shared it, and we have our little memories and private jokes.

Friendships

Maintaining close friendships is difficult with military life.

We’ve learned to jump in and try to meet people as soon as we arrive at a new location. We don’t have time to waste when we’re at a base for only two to four years.

We are transient, third culture people, and we are too quickly forgotten by friends and acquaintances once we move away.

Many people don’t understand military life and don’t want to invest in a temporary friendship.

It always hurts to be forgotten, and we sometimes build up a wall around our hearts so we’re not hurt. I’m saddened to see this in my kids as they grow up. They’re self-reliant and have few friends.

School and Activities

Kids experience stress with school and activities, and it just compounds when they have to find new ones every few years.

My kids show talent with sports, music, art, and other activities…but it’s hard to find new teachers and coaches every few years.

There’s no continuity.

Church shopping is no fun, either. We’ve all but given up on finding anywhere welcoming.

Retirement

So many unknowns loom during the end of a military career.

Lots of decisions have to be made in a short time period.

When the kids are still young and living at home, we want to include them and their needs in the process of retirement. We want them to feel safe, comfortable, and happy with where we choose to retire and settle down.

When nowhere and everywhere is home, finding somewhere to settle for good is just scary.

Military life has its benefits. We are perhaps more thankful for our freedoms and don’t take them for granted. The stresses we experience as a military family are just our life.

Learn more about stress and healing.

You might also like:

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

August 27, 2018 By Jennifer 13 Comments

We’ve survived one deployment. It was my first winter ever and I survived with four small kids. He deployed to Kandahar in Afghanistan and it a rough time was had by all.

First deployments are really hard. There are so many unknowns.

Our middle daughter had the hardest time then. We’re all pretty adjusted now, I think.

We’re experiencing our second deployment, beginning in August. We’re older, more mature, better prepared. It’s in a safer area so we’re not as worried this time.

As an introvert married to an extrovert, military life (and regular married life) can sometimes present challenges.

I can play the game and play it well. I can smile and go to the functions and perform, but it exhausts me and I resent it and I prefer not to…so I seldom do it anymore.

We’ve lived on base once and that was enough closeness and lack of privacy for me. I prefer to live as far away from base as he can handle the commute.

Moving every few years is stressful and I tend to close myself up long before we actually leave. It takes me a good while to open up again in our new location. Then it’s time to leave again.

I’m not shy. I don’t have social anxiety. I’m a chameleon. I’m usually quiet but I’m loud in certain circumstances. I am often thoughtful and measure my words and tone.

I notice everything.

I’m an INTJ. Sometimes, life is just really hard.

Most people get married and try to change each other. We were no different. We’ve grown used to our differences and we compromise often. I prefer to stay home or socialize with just a few people, less seldom. I’ve never been into parties or large crowds. I don’t like festivals. I like smaller, quieter celebrations. I like to be alone.

“The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.” – Aldous Huxley

We don’t have the luxury of playing games.

If someone goes above and beyond for us, we appreciate it and we try to let you know. Expressing gratitude is important to us. Family is far away and we make family everywhere we go.

I appreciate people who have welcomed us, loved us, fed us, befriended us, and helped us at our various homes over the years. Some we have lost touch with, others have passed, and some we are still friends with, if only virtually.

We talk about your impact on our family. We remember.

Grandma Sharon from our church in San Antonio, Texas. She and Liz had a special relationship.
“Big Tori” is still our friend from Hawaii.
Pastor Neal, his wife, Christine, and their son, David, helped shape our faith in Utah. Mr. McMillan from across the street was a surrogate grandpa.
Jenn in Germany – we miss you! Alex still remembers the kindness of Coach Bacon in teeball.
Dale and Ruthann in Ohio. We love y’all.

We have friends all over the world. We are global citizens.

How does an introvert spouse survive deployment?

I’m not one to talk much to others about deployment. I’m pretty private.

Life goes on and if it had been up to me, I wouldn’t have even mentioned the deployment to anyone at all.

I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want pity. I don’t want small talk.

I don’t want the commander or a key spouse calling me on the phone or stopping by to check on me. That happened during our first deployment and it was so awkward and uncomfortable.

And yes, I’m tired all the time from being “on” constantly. I don’t get any breaks. I go to bed a lot earlier now.

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” ~Paul Tillich

Preparation:

Weeks, even months, before the actual deployment, it seems like he’s already left.

Training sessions out of state, late nights of paperwork, medical appointments…it’s a hot mess gearing up for the actual event. He’s stressed about leaving his post and he’s stressed about his new assignment. He’s stressed about traveling there.

We get our paperwork in order. All those legal forms granting me access to everything. Just in case.

He got the cars serviced. He paid for the car tag taxes for two years so I don’t have to deal with that.

His stuff is everywhere. I stub my toe on his bag that’s in my office.

I’m almost anticipating the leaving so I can have some peace and quiet. We pick fights with each in frustration.

I stock up on vitamins, conveniences, and other items he’ll need to pack to take with him. We still forget stuff and I pack up a box the day after he leaves.

Of course he waits until the last minute to get things he needs, like PT pants and contact eye solution.

I got food poisoning from a restaurant two nights before he left. That was a great start to a hard week.

Saying goodbyes are hard. You kinda want to hurry up and get it over with, but it’s like getting kicked in the gut when the gate door closes behind him.

I only get to say goodbye once, but he travels on 4 airplanes, for almost 48 hours. He texts me when he arrives at each layover and when he’s about to board again. He’s stressed, tired, and unable to eat due to nerves. I drop everything to reply to his messages and comfort him, informing on what we’re doing: normal things like eating or cleaning or reading or watching Netflix.

When I got up at 0300 to see him off at the airport gate, my skin hurt by lunchtime. My stomach was in knots by dinnertime – from being so exhausted. I drank lots of tea and took a bath, but I couldn’t hold off any longer and fell asleep by 8:30 PM. I had that luxury of resting when I needed to, but he couldn’t rest well until he arrived at his deployment destination.

The first day of deployment:

I almost forget he’s not at work, a phone call, just 20 miles away.

I spent most of the day planning.

Inventoried the food and made a menu plan for the next two and a half months.

Budgeted for the next year. I plan to pay off the credit card during the deployment. Dang cat surgery and braces for two kids.

Wrote out a homeschool plan for the first month. Ordered some history books – from the library and Amazon.

Organized my book basket. I plan to read them all soon. I have way too many journals.

Gathered old school items to sell and clothing to donate.

Ordered the kids’ Halloween costumes – in August.

The first day alone is surreal. The cats are comforters, lying beside me and in my lap every time I sit down. They know. I drink his Assam tea with lots of sugar in my yellow Aiea, Hawaii, library cup and remember.

I made breakfast and lunch and did dishes and laundry. I look at the time and wonder how early I can start dinner?

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” – Paul Tillich

Deployments can be lonely, even for an introvert.

During good times, I think to myself that I won’t trip over his shoes that he leaves all over the house instead of in the shoe racks.

I can be efficient and clean and not have to worry about going back to tidy up his messes.

*There’s so much less laundry.*

I can budget better and easier. I will have fewer utilities, simpler meal planning, efficient errands using less gas.

I’ve given up alcohol. I don’t feel comfortable having a drink when I’m the only adult in the house. No more beer or wine for me. It’s not even in the house. I’ve lost 15+ pounds this month so far. I only have another 5-10 to go before I feel great. I weighed 170 a year ago when we moved to Ohio from Germany, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been – even after I had my C-Section in 2007. Read some of my weight loss methods here.

I don’t have to keep the air conditioner so low since I have the bed all to myself…and the cats.

There are no arguments. I kinda miss having someone to pick at.

I don’t have anyone to open jars.

I don’t use the charcoal grill. Alex is 8 and is in charge of the gas grill. I’m his assistant. I don’t tell him that I know how.

I have no one to rely on for help. All decisions fall to me. I am responsible for everything.

He can’t grab that ingredient I need on his way home from work.

If something goes wrong, it’s all my fault.

How I spend my time each season:

Autumn

This is probably the busiest time of year. It’s easier when we’re busy.

Chauffeuring the kids to soccer and fall baseball, back to school (even homeschoolers) events, art classes, and other fun field trips to take up those Sunday afternoons that drag on and on…

I’m taking my teen daughter to college classes until she gets her drivers license.

I’m spending most mornings writing. I take walks in the evenings after dinner.

Winter

He left on our January anniversary for that first deployment. Thanks, universe.

Have I mentioned that I hate snow? I hate the driveway and sidewalk shoveling…and driving in it. We like being outdoors, but I don’t like the cold.

The holidays are always kinda a drag for me. We don’t have family nearby. The special days don’t feel special. I used to get really anxious about making them perfect, but now they’re rather boring. The kids being older and realizing the commercialism of it all deflates it a bit. Holiday meals will be simpler. I think we’ll celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah the first week of December this year.

Classes are on break and it can get really boring.

Spring

He should return before all the spring birthdays next year.

Spring is always my favorite time of year. Rebirth and growing green things and all that. It’s like stretching in the sun after a cold winter.

Baseball season gets us a little busier again.

College courses start up again for my teen daughter. Hopefully, she’ll have her license sometime in winter.

Summer

During that first deployment, he returned in July. So summers aren’t really something we have to deal with during deployment.

Summers are usually fun, easy times with late nights and late mornings. We spend a lot of time outdoors.

Daily Schedule

I get tired earlier in the evenings, but I can’t fall asleep easily. And then I don’t sleep well. I’ve been reading a lot. I love checking out Kindle books through our library with Libby app.

We do our homeschool work during the days, but we can’t quite get in the swing of things.

We read aloud together in the mornings and evenings.

We take morning and/or evening walks if the weather is nice enough. I’ve been walking 3 miles during my daughter’s soccer practice twice a week. I often walk 1 mile other days, with my cats in their stroller.

It feels like my days revolve around meals more than ever. So much cooking and cleaning. So many dishes. The kids are great and old enough to help out a lot.Having a meal schedule keeps everyone happy right now. My daughters can help out lots in the kitchen now and prep or finish a meal. If you have any delicious slow cooker meals that don’t look like dog food, let me know. I’ve almost exhausted my repertoire.

Monday
Soccer practice and slow cooker dinners.

Tuesday
This is our only free day until November, so we cram in as much book work as we can during the day and have nicer dinners.

Wednesday
Baseball practice and slow cooker dinners.

Thursday
Soccer practice and slow cooker dinners.

Friday
Park days.
Homemade pizza for dinners.

Saturday
Soccer games and afternoon free play time.
Hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner.

Sunday
We’ve decided to take a little break from attending church services. We don’t want the pity from people who think they understand. We frequently do a spiritual fast when life gets very hard. We read a lot from the church fathers and modern authors, pray, and sing together.
Baseball games and afternoon free play time.
Chicken nuggets for dinner.

Sickness and Emergency

I do have some anxiety about injury. I’m saying, “Be careful!” to my kids a lot more than I usually do.

I really don’t want an ER visit during deployment so we’re taking vitamins and drinking lots of water and eating well and washing our hands lots.

My almost one-year-old son had some respiratory distress that first winter in Utah, but other than one visit when his lips turned blue, we were all healthy and safe. He didn’t have RSV, by the way.

I’m constantly praying: Be careful. Stay safe. Don’t get hurt. Don’t get sick.

If I get really sick, I know the kids can handle a lot of things. And other than a tummy bug, I can usually push on through.

Homecoming

I kinda loathe the expectation of the homecoming. We don’t make posters. We don’t really want a lot of fuss. The heartwarming surprise videos that go viral on social media give me hives.

Reintegration is hard for me. I don’t want to relinquish control. I like doing things my way.

The kids eventually adjust to the dynamic of having Dad home again.

We just want to get back to normal as quickly as possible.

It will be nice to have a big steak on the charcoal grill again.

You might also like

10 Gifts for a Military Family

How Deployment Affects Marriage

How Deployment Affects Kids

Navigating Motherhood During Deployment

Homeschooling During Deployment

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Consider This Before Renting a Home

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

August 6, 2018 By Jennifer 12 Comments

We’ve always rented our homes.

As a military family, we PCS or move residences every 2-4 years. Purchasing a home just doesn’t make financial sense to us.

Most of us move out of our parents’ homes into apartments with friends or college roommates, then we eventually get a real job, find a partner, and buy a house. It’s so linear. My life has never been linear.

My active duty Air Force husband receives a housing allowance that differs everywhere we go based on cost of living and various military installations. It’s supposed to cover about 80% of housing expenses, but it often doesn’t even cover 125%.

We feel the stigma of renters. Neighbors come to meet us and visibly shy away when they realize we’re renting in their neighborhood. Do they think we won’t care for the lawn? Do they feel we bring down their property value? They realize we’re transient and they don’t want to make the effort of a temporary friendship. Most of the people we’ve met in our Ohio town don’t understand military life. And we homeschool, which often puts up another barrier. It’s a lonely life.

What Do We Consider Before Renting a Home?

We’ve often rented sight unseen – and I don’t really recommend that, but it’s stressful enough moving across the country or around the world. We use online sites that specialize in finding military housing like this one. We’ve found some great deals. And homeowners who use these sites know military families.

We try to find a house to suit us that is less than our allowance. We don’t want to be house-poor. It’s really hard to find what we want since we have a rather large family and we’re at home a lot more than other families.

We pray about what we want and need. After so many years of renting, we have a few items we really don’t want to budge on in a house. It’s amazing to see those prayers get answered in amazing ways.

Research the Neighborhood

Some families are concerned about school districts. We homeschool, so that’s not a worry for us.

I usually join a social media group for military families, homeschoolers, or a city-based group to get info on the area. These are great places to ask questions.

We want a good balance of families with kids so our children can make friends. I want the streets to be safe for walking and biking and rollerblading, so sidewalks are a bonus.

Is it near enough to the base where my husband works? He doesn’t want to commute more than 30 minutes each way and I don’t blame him. Traffic sucks.

Is it easily accessible to a good grocery store and library? These are our priorities.

Ask Owner about Pets and other Things

We have two cats. We know we have non-refundable deposits for them. It’s sometimes very hard to find a good rental that will accept us with pets or cats.

Can I paint walls? Hang curtains or drapes? Can I get blinds or shades?

Can I plant flowers? Can I transplant something that is unhappy in its current location? Do I have to replace a plant that dies? Can I trim trees?

Is there something special I need to know about and maintain – like a water softener? Or a sump pump?

Be proactive. This is not the time to ask forgiveness instead of permission.

Inspect the Home

Document any damages to prove you didn’t make them – inside and out.

Perhaps have a friend come help who isn’t emotionally invested and has a good eye. Make note of broken tile, wall holes, floor scratches, torn carpet, window sills, door frames, counters, cabinets…

If there is furniture left inside the house, make sure it’s in the contract and you’re not liable if it breaks. I prefer to have all the owner’s stuff removed.

Take photos and write it all down on the contract or make a list and have the landlord sign and date it as proof of agreement.

For example, our landlady knows the windowsill in the laundry room was chewed up from her dogs, so we won’t be held liable.

Study the Contract

Make sure you understand everything in it.

Look up your state’s landlord tenant laws and know those.

Ask questions. Make changes. Initial every page and have the landlord do so also and make copies.

Discuss Deposits, Repairs, Requirements, Responsibilities

Is the deposit refundable? What could invalidate the refund?

Are there fees or deductibles for repairs? We usually have to pay for minor repairs like plumbing. For larger repairs, we’ve had a $50 deductible. I guess this is to help ensure we don’t just go around breaking stuff.

What is the landlord’s responsibility? The way I see it, it’s not my house, so they should handle the major stuff. I replace light bulbs and filters. If an appliance stops working, I expect it to be repaired or replaced.

What will you as the tenant be responsible to do? I take care of the lawn by mowing and edging, but I’m not paying for a chemical service to keep it “golf course weedfree.”

Worst Case Scenarios

It seems to me that most landlords don’t want to return deposits. They seem to do anything, make outrageous complaints so they don’t have to return the deposit money – even when there’s nothing wrong with the house. “Normal wear and tear” is a relative term. I can’t imagine moving without a previous deposit to place on the new place. What do people do when it’s required to pay two months’ rent upfront as a deposit?

I owned my home in Georgia when I met Aaron. He was stationed at Robins AFB then. Selling it was a hassle and I regret not keeping it and being a landlady myself. It was a cute little 3BR ranch on a pretty lot, convenient to everything!

Our first rental house in San Antonio, Texas, was near Lackland AFB. Aaron’s cousin went to check out the house for us. It was clean and pretty new. I don’t think we could have done any better with our financial situation at the time. The owners were dual military officers, stationed overseas and the house was through a management company. When our brick patio started eroding and deteriorating, we took photos as proof and repaired it as best we could. We cleaned it well upon move-out and got our deposit back, no problem. We lived there two years.

We lived on Hickam AFB in Hawaii. There weren’t many other options. The housing office is generally fine to deal with, but our neighbors were nightmares. They dug up plants and chopped down protected trees and when housing came to accuse me about it, I got very upset. The housing allowance just disappears when you live on base, but some utilities are usually included. We lived there three years.

We rented sight unseen in Utah – near Hill AFB. When we showed up in our rental minivan in the driveway from a very long flight, the man with our key was unavailable for a while. The condition of the house wasn’t as described or the photos in the ad. It was much more rundown than we expected. The owner was a Navy 06 living in Maryland. Repairs were always a hassle. The local contact down the street we had for “management” suddenly passed away from a heart attack. The neighborhood handyman we were told to call refused to help and complained he never got paid! We always felt the landlord and his wife were suspicious of us. We seldom complained. We did so much to that house that was falling apart around us. We stripped wallpaper and painted the living room and kitchen to match the dining room. They even traveled to inspect the house in person and criticized my cleaning. There was a leak in the basement bathroom wall and the owner’s son spent a month repairing it – with no rent deduction and supplies and dust were everywhere. The entire basement flooded on Memorial Day. The neighborhood rallied together to help me. And the owner’s wife swore there was a sump pump and I could have prevented the flood. There was no sump pump. Upon move-out, we cleaned the house top to bottom and several ladies came to help us. We had to pay for a commercial whole house carpet cleaning and show the receipt. The owner was moving back into the house with his wife. He refused to return our deposit. He made petty complaint after complaint. The wallpaper in the stairwell to the basement was torn, but it was like that when we moved in. The flat stovetop wasn’t cleaned and we should replace it – for $650. I rushed over and scraped it with a razor. Supplies were left in a storage room – by his son. The grass wasn’t manicured and my husband and son rushed over in the dark to borrow an edger and fix it. My kids drew a welcome sign in chalk on the front stoop and he wanted it scrubbed off – even though it was supposed to rain later that week. Really?! Finally, we complained to the neighbors and asked what should we do since he kept adding to his list. They gave him a talking-to and we finally got the deposit check returned – only a couple days before we were leaving the state! We lived there four years.

Overseas housing is a little different. Rental houses must get approval through the military housing office and applications are handled through them. This is supposed to protect us as the American military tenant. Also, rent is due in Euro and our housing allowance is in American dollars. It’s all a bit stressful. We found a nice house in a village near Kaiserslautern, Germany, that was about 45 minutes from where my husband worked at the Landstuhl hospital. We rented this house because it had an amazing kitchen with a big stovetop and two ovens – American size! and an American refrigerator. The bathroom was pretty great too. The housing office puts a lot of pressure on to find a house ASAP so they don’t have to support us staying in temporary housing on the bases. We looked at 3-4 houses before deciding on this one and it was a relief. The landlady and her daughter and son-in-law seemed delightful. They invited us over for New Year’s and were always friendly. We had them over for a celebration dinner with American grilled food. When we did our final walkthrough with a checklist for the housing office, they said everything was cleaned and in order. We breathed a sigh of relief. We had about 10 days until we flew back to the States. The housing office called and said the landlady claimed we owed €3000 for the kitchen wallpaper and another €650 for a cleaning fee. When we questioned this, she didn’t think the bathroom was cleaned well nor the blinds dusted. My husband and daughter rushed over to rewash everything, even though it had been spotless when we left. Germany and old stone houses are dusty. So they canceled that cleaning fee. They still wanted wallpaper money and that ate up our whole deposit. The housing office clerk said they couldn’t request that much as a going rate for paint. They played semantics and we ended up getting part of our deposit back – only €2400. The final insult was that “they were trying to prepare the house for German tenants and they were pickier than Americans.” We lived there three years. Apparently, the house is still vacant – after more than a year. They can’t find or maybe they don’t want another American tenant. Rumor has it that Germans won’t pay the rental fees that is set for Americans through the housing office agreements. The landlady owns 7 or more homes in the area that she rents out – mostly to Americans, because it pays.

We’re now in Ohio near Wright-Patterson AFB. This house is undoubtedly the best house we’ve ever lived in. It’s on a quiet street. There’s a creek in the backyard and lots of wildlife. The landlady just updated the kitchen and flooring and it seems brand new. There are very few problems or inconveniences. She pays for an exterminator to come out quarterly. We have fixed all the toilet mechanisms ourselves since the hard water destroys plastic quickly. We’re being proactive about making minor repairs like patching picture holes in the walls and fixing paint stains. None of the paint in this house is washable!

I hope we don’t have issues upon move-out time. I am pretty weary of fighting with landlords over little things.

After all this renting, we know exactly what we want when it comes time to buy our own home.

Do you have a rental horror story? Do you have rental tips?

You might also like:
Decorating on a Budget
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Best and Worst of Wright-Patterson AFB

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

July 3, 2018 By Jennifer 2 Comments

We’ve lived in Ohio a year now.

It was rather a shock coming back to the States from Germany.

It’s ok here, but it won’t ever be home for us.

The Best of Wright-Patterson AFB

Central location

It’s kinda halfway between Chicago and Atlanta, where our respective families live.

It’s a good jumping off point to travel. It’s not far to the east coast or Great Lakes areas.

Lots of outdoorsy stuff to explore

We love the MetroParks and all the wetlands and hiking areas and state parks.

Boonshoft Museum

We cannot get enough of this place. Great monthly homeschool days and summer camps!

Air Museum

It takes a week to see it all! And they have the Memphis Belle now.

Native American history

We love Sunwatch, Fort Ancient, the Great Serpent Mound, Miamisburg Mound. It’s great being able to see Native American sites as we learn about Indigenous Peoples.

Lots of medical facilities

There is a great children’s hospital network. Lots of varied medical specialties if needed.

The Worst of Wright-Patterson AFB

Landlocked

Yes, I realize there’s a big lake up north. There are lots of lakes, rivers, and wetlands. I prefer the ocean. It’s about 10-12 hours away.

Weather

We have the craziest weather I’ve ever seen. Torrential rain, hail, hot and cold, high winds – at the drop of a hat. It’s weird. I have to always be prepared for anything.

Little diversity

I figure we may have chosen the wrong township, but there is very little diversity here and lots of racism and bigotry. Perhaps we were insulated in Germany, but it seems more pervasive now that we’re back in the States and so very obvious to us now.

Have you lived in Ohio? What did you like or not like?

You might also like:

Navigating Motherhood During Deployment

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure.

June 20, 2018 By Jennifer 17 Comments

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of 1 Natural Way, a TRICARE breast pump provider. All opinions are entirely my own.

We’ve PCSed a couple times with infants. That’s interesting. There’s so much stuff to travel with – in case of any scenario.

Military life definitely has its challenges.

Our first deployment was when our son was only nine months old.

We PCSed to Utah in August and my husband deployed in January.

I had never lived through a real winter. I had always lived in mild, warm climates. And I had four kids under 10.

Being a mom is often hard.

Being a single mom can be quite difficult. I did that with one child for four years.

Being a military wife with a deployed husband and four kids is an adventure.

First deployments are really hard. There are so many unknowns. We’re up for our second deployment later this year and I feel more prepared.

If you know a mom whose spouse is deployed…take some time to help or just listen during this lonely and hard time.

You’ve seen and checked off all the deployment checklists. You’ve gotten the POA and all the right paperwork.

You’ve said your goodbyes at the airport gate.

The house is quieter. There is so much less laundry to do. Why are there so many leftovers at dinner?

You wake up sprawled in the middle of the bed instead of on your side.

You don’t think you’re gonna make it through these next few months.

I’m here to tell you that you’re gonna make it. You’re gonna be just fine.

How to Navigate Motherhood When Your Spouse is Deployed

Routine.

I ran my household like clockwork. I was efficient. I was prepared.

As a homeschool mom, I could have just allowed our lives to run into chaos.

But I set a strict schedule and kept to it. Meals, schoolwork, some fun activities, indoor and outdoor playtimes, chores, baths, bedtime.

With four kids under 10, I had to rely on them a lot and we all learned to be interdependent and help each other. It’s amazing what kids can and will do – if you just let them.

I anticipated disaster.

Then our basement flooded and disrupted all my best intentions.

But the routine held and life went on.

Relax.

Deployment may not be the best time to go back to school or haul the kids to a gazillion summer or after school extracurricular activities.

While routines and schedules are great for sanity…don’t lose heart or get discouraged if it slips. Don’t be legalistic about it.

Holidays and special events can really suck during deployments. Do something special but don’t stress and worry over it being perfect. It won’t be. Do your best. It’s good enough.

Give yourself a little break and realize there’s only one of you.

There are no good or bad emotions. Feel. Let your kids see you. Lean into it. Comfort each other. Discuss your feelings. Validate the sadness and anger but don’t live there.

Network.

Learn who your key spouse or the equivalent is within your organization. Get connected to other deployed spouses.

Ask for contacts at church in case of emergency.

Join a moms group. Or a homeschool group. Or a book club. Find a friend somewhere.

Inform neighbors or HOA so they are aware and can assist if needed.

Family visits can be a hassle or a blessing during deployment. You know what’s best for you and yours.

Ask for help.

This is a hard one.

I’ve never liked asking for help.

Our church pretty much ignored us during deployment and that (among other issues) prompted us to find a new one.

My husband’s group commander’s wife came and shoveled snow out of our driveway and it made me so uncomfortable. She also watched my kids a couple times for me to go out but I had nowhere to go and nothing to do. It just wasn’t what I wanted or needed.

Decide what you don’t want or like to do. It may be snow shoveling or mowing the lawn. Find a neighborhood teen to pay to do those tasks.

It helps to know what you want and need – and how and whom to ask.

My neighbors rallied together to help me with our flooded basement and that was an amazing experience. I wouldn’t have known where to start.

If you or your child needs to talk to someone, TRICARE covers at least 3 preliminary mental health appointments with family health care providers and can refer you for more with a therapist if necessary. Don’t hesitate to make those appointments. Be honest with yourself. No shame. Do what you must for the health of you and your family.

Self care.

This is hard for many moms.

I do better now taking care of myself than I did when my kids were really little.

Eating well and getting enough sleep are challenges for moms of little ones and also for moms whose spouses are deployed.

Set small goals like getting a daily shower and getting dressed in clean clothes.

You’re living your life in three-hour increments as you’re nursing, caring for little ones, surviving.

It’s enough.

I keep some quick meal items in the freezer and pantry for when I don’t feel well.

Deployment can a great time to get active, lose weight, get healthier, reset, and refocus. I find it easier to cook and eat what I like when I’m alone. The kids help me stay active.

Set a schedule that works for you and your family. That could mean putting the kids to bed earlier or later for your sanity.

Do something new.

Create a little list of some new and different activities to keep busy.

Ask the kids what they’d like to do and try to do some of their list too. Distractions are good when they miss their parent.

Don’t get overwhelmed, but it’s nice and often necessary to keep your mind busy during those lonely months. Bonus if it’s something you can do with the kids!

Lots of museums are free during summer and National Parks offer free or discounted passes to military families.

Some fun ideas:

calligraphy
jewelry making
painting
yoga or pilates
online classes
reading
journal
cooking
charity work
church activities
hiking
birding
photography

Know your benefits and privileges as a military spouse.

Many military installations offer events for deployed spouses – Give Parents a Break program, free family meals, free tickets, portrait ops, and more.

Get lots of free stuff here for deployed families.

Make sure you’re on email lists for deployed spouses or check social media for your options. Take advantage of the events offered and make new friends too.

I wish these breast pump benefits had been available when my babies were little and nursing!

1 Natural Way offers the popular Medela, Spectra and Kiinde brands. In addition to breast pumps, 1 Natural Way also offers breast pump accessories, compression socks and postpartum care supplies – covered under your Tricare insurance plan at no out of pocket expense to you.

The following five simple steps will take less than 5 minutes, and your breast pump through Tricare will be on its way:

Step 1: Fill out our insurance information form found below

Step 2: Select your breast pump model (Tricare covers all models we offer)

Step 3: Enroll in our Monthly breastfeeding accessories program (called Resupply)

Step 4: Provide us with a prescription or your doctor’s information, and we will obtain one for you

Step 5: Your pump and supplies will ship right to your front door via UPS or USPS

1 Natural Way handles contacting both your health insurance provider and your physician on your behalf. They offer the easiest process in the industry-backed by thousands of reviews and testimonials from moms everywhere. They work hard to make it an enjoyable experience to receive your breast pump with minimal or no out of pocket expense to you.

Deployment is always an inconvenience. We’re thankful for our military family and our freedom.

Hang in there.

How do you manage motherhood when your spouse is deployed?

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What My Military Kids Have Taught Me

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April 2, 2018 By Jennifer 16 Comments

My eldest hates moving around. She longs for stability, long-term friendships, roots, a home, belonging.

A small part of me understands, but I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere. I grew up in the same house for my first 16 years, and the same state for 29 years. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.

Military life can be stressful, especially for children. There are a lot of unknowns and that’s scary. Deployments, TDYs, PCSes all add to the instability.

It’s always a conundrum when people innocently ask, “So, where are you from?” Do we answer where we were born, where we’re currently living, where our home of record is, or where our favorite “heart home” is?

Most kids don’t have to learn to say goodbye so often.

Change can be so hard.

I don’t like the term “military brat.” I think it has a negative connotation. I realize it’s an acronym: Born, Raised, And Trained. Or for the UK military: British Regiment Attached Traveler.

Kids are never brats. Children are always good. Many behavior issues arise from circumstances and environment. That’s important to realize as a military family.

My military kids are amazing.

They put up with so much with so few complaints.

How Military Life Prepares Kids for Success in Life:

Resilience and Flexibility

They’re able to adapt brilliantly to different circumstances with joy and ease and contentment. I wish I could say the same for myself! They don’t show their disappointment as much as I do. When our extension was denied, then granted, then denied after all, they took it all in stride and were great examples to me in my meltdown. They look to the positive at every duty station we have lived at, and are (almost) always optimistic!

Independence

They know we have to jump in headfirst. The kids organize their rooms for packouts. They set up their rooms in new places. They pack their suitcases and backpacks for travel. They run through a new neighborhood, looking for the playground to make new friends. They are eager to get involved at a new church and find their place in our new community.

Value

They realize the importance of intangible things like travel experiences and fishing trips with Dad before he deploys. They appreciate their friends, even if for only a season. They cherish our unique experiences and the special memories we make. Stuff is just baggage to be packed up and moved every few years. They know not to hold on too tightly to things.

Perspective

Their attitudes and points of view are broader for having lived in so many different places and for traveling so extensively. They have so many memories of neato experiences. Our family has inside jokes and memories that are so unique to our military lifestyle!

It’s easy to look on the downside of military life with its stresses and separations. But I can’t allow myself to do that very often. I have to maintain a brave face and stay positive to be a role model for my kids.

I realize that I am not in control. We don’t get much say in where we live or when we move. Deployments and TDYS and special tasks pop up suddenly and interfere with plans, with our lives. We can only adapt, stay positive, and pray.

My children appreciate their experiences, even with its ups and downs. For us, it’s just life.

Deployments put us in survival mode.

Goodbyes can be very sad and scary.

We’re due for another deployment this year.

PCS time can be exhausting and stressful.

Long travel and wait times, sometimes in the middle of the night.

Walking into the unknown as we make our way to a new living situation is scary.

My military kids have taught me a lot about life.

There are lots of books out there now for military families.

Some of these are not necessarily about military life or military families, but they’re super helpful during deployment, TDY, PCS, or any other time that books can comfort military kids.

Great Books for Military Families:

Third Culture Kids by David C. Pollack
The Kissing Hand Books by Audry Penn
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
Night Catch by Brenda Ehrmantraut
All Those Secrets of the World by Jane Yolen
While You Are Away by Eileen Spinelli
The Fathers Are Coming Home by Margaret Wise Brown
Lovely Books by Nancy Tillman
Where Do the Tears Go? by Doris Burd
The Wishing Tree by Mary Redman
The Magic Box: When Parents Can’t Be There to Tuck You In by Marty Sederman
This Is Where You Belong: Finding Home Wherever You Are by Melody Warnick
Almost There: Searching for Home in a Life on the Move by Bekah DiFelice

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Putting Dreams on Hold

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January 12, 2018 By Jennifer 25 Comments

Sometimes I struggle to quench my feelings and choke down envy when someone mentions buying an amazing house or follows some other beautiful dream that seems so out of reach for me.

I often look at my 40+ years and wonder what I have accomplished.

Sometimes, it’s hard being transient. It gets so lonely.

We’ve lived in so many houses, apartments, hotels, and rooms over the years that when I wake groggily in the wee hours of the morn to comfort a child or when I hear an odd night noise, I am often disoriented as my mind adjusts to the shape of the room rather than a memory of another room across the years.

We don’t waste time or money on Pinterest projects or lots of yard maintenance or prettifying a rental house. We have become minimalists.

All our memories fit into a few Rubbermaid containers.

We never know when we might leave for someplace new. Too often, we leave again before it even starts to feel like home. Sometimes, we start to feel anxious, ready to move on.

We make the best of it, right?

I’ve lived in a home with no dishwasher and 3 cabinets in the kitchen. The washer and dryer were in the dirt-floor basement. I had to walk outside and around to the backyard to get inside.

I’ve lived in a smelly, ant-traipsing apartment where I had to walk up three flights of stairs.

We’ve lived in noisy duplexes with no privacy and a parking lot across the way.

We’ve spent weeks in temporary housing during PCSes.

We lived on base once, and while convenient, it had its cons also.

We’ve rented houses sight-unseen, only to be disappointed at the online deception. But it was too late.

My parents upgraded to a 3000 sq. ft. house on a corner lot shortly after I moved away. I have no childhood home to return to with its memories. I’ve visited three times in eleven years and it doesn’t even smell quite right there. It’s amazing to me how much space they have for two people who never go anywhere.

We’ve sold and bought more vehicles than I can keep count as our family grew and transportation needs changes. Cars mean little to me other than reliability. My mother loved buying her new Chevrolet Caprice Classic every three years, then moved on into small SUVs. Still not sure why they need three cars at age 75.

We’ve attended more churches than any family ever should have to. We even stopped going for a while. It gets tiresome sometimes, trying to fit into a new place, with its cliques and families and friendships that have existed for decades.

As a military wife, I’ve often put my dreams on hold.

I left my college teaching job. I didn’t get that Ph.D. I haven’t written a book – yet.

But military life really doesn’t feel that hard to me most of the time.

I’m cool with holding down the fort during TDY, deployments, emergencies.

I’ve become a pro with organizing, packing, and unpacking.

I’ve dealt with disappointment and put on a brave face for the sake of my children.

They say home is where the military sends you.

And it’s true.

Home is everywhere.

And nowhere.

Home is where my husband is. Where my children are. Where my cats are.

The kids are beginning to ask if this is our last move. How many more? What next? My son wants to know: where will we be when he’s 10?

My eldest daughter just started college and doesn’t plan to leave Ohio. She’s longing to put down roots. I don’t blame her.

So, sure, I put some dreams on hold.

Or maybe I’ve adapted and grown up.

My dreams have changed since I was younger.

I’m no longer that selfish hurting girl who threw tantrums, hid in the closet when I didn’t get my way, or couldn’t handle a full day alone with two kids.

I’m no longer that overwhelmed girl who eats out multiple times a week or prepares quick foods due to a lack of planning.

I’m no longer my mother’s daughter who needs retail therapy to prove my self-worth.

I realize that a beach home might not be in our best interests with hurricanes and flooding. I never imagined living through our basement flooding on Memorial Day in Utah, while my husband was deployed. Really, Utah?

We’ve learned self-reliance since we’ve always lived far from family. It’s still really hard for me to make friends.

We realize how fortunate we have been to see so much of the world. Hawaii, Europe, places in between, and who knows what the future holds?

I’m not interested in recognition in the field of education. I will never go back to get a Ph.D. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am educating my children and I see the fruits of my labors there. Yes, it’s interesting to me that there are two moms on my new street who are finishing up their Ph.D.’s and it only brought a tiny twinge of regret.

I’ve learned to have different priorities.

I want to live debt-free. And not just financial freedom. We pray the Lord’s prayer every Sunday at church, but I want to live it.

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors… Matthew 6:12

I strive for grace, forgiveness, and kindness.

I pray to fight the good fight, finish the race, keep the faith…

I am resilient, flexible, strong.

I don’t have to put my dreams on hold indefinitely. I can incorporate my dreams into the life I am living – adapting to what is best for this season and our family dynamics.

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