I see you over there at every significant event with your spouse and kids and parents and in-laws, siblings and their kids, grandparents, and extended family, friends even.

You’re loud with inside jokes and almost obnoxious laughter within your safety net of family and close friends, whom you’ve known forever, in a place where you’ve always lived, surrounded by people who love you and whom you love, despite the mistakes of your past, your gawky teen years, going away to college and returning to marry and start your own family.

I don’t know what it’s like to be surrounded by friends and family.

Your eyes cut to me more than once.

Do you look uncomfortable or curious?

I’m the mom at her kids’ events, alone.

You might wonder if I’m a single mom.

Am I separated, divorced, or widowed?

You might wonder where my people are – parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, whoever.

I try to take lots of pictures for memories.

I go home after events and practices to email or text a summary and all the photos that turn out.

My husband is deployed.

Or TDY.

Or working late, weekends, doubles.

His parents passed the first year we married. His sisters choose not to have a relationship with us.

My parents live far away and we’re not close. Almost all my extended family have passed since I’m the youngest grandbaby.

Many people ask, “How do you do it?”

I just do.

This is my life.

I’ve had some scoff that this is my choice and I could make changes if I really wanted to.

I wonder: what could they possibly mean? Separation from the military before retirement (maybe in two more years!) and lose all those benefits? Geobaching? Divorce? What?

Of course it’s my choice. I knew what I was doing when I married my military man. It doesn’t make life any easier when the going gets rough.

I didn’t realize I can’t ever express sorrow, regret, loneliness, heartache – or any emotion that isn’t overwhelmingly patriotic and positive – over certain life circumstances like others so often do for shallow sympathy.

I do what I have to do to raise my children well, often with an absent father who travels or deploys for work. I sometimes struggle to be everything to my kids – mother and father. They know to rely on themselves and each other and me. I’m the constant. I’m consistent.

Sometimes, it’s just really hard and lonely.

Solo Parenting Tips

• Stricter schedule
• Earlier bedtimes for kids so I have alone time
• Nature/outdoor time daily for at least 30 minutes
• Healthy eating and plenty of water
• Hire or borrow help when needed
• Take lots of pictures
• Video chat
• Email
• Texting
• Have kids draw pictures, write letters, make treats to mail
• Have kids help create and deliver care packages to USPS
• Scrapbook or photo book of time missed

Have you ever parented alone and how did you manage?

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I grew up in the Bible belt, in a south Atlanta suburb. I didn’t know about Lent or a liturgical church year. My grandma was Lutheran and I went to church with her when she visited twice a year. All my school acquaintances were Baptist or Methodist. I sometimes visited their church when they were evangelizing.

I’ve come to see Lent as a time of reflection, personal growth, and study.

Looking back on these 7ish months, I realize I have changed, mostly for the better.

We’re in the countdown to homecoming with this second deployment.

Deployment is kind of like Lent, but for 215+ days instead of just 40 days.

Christian faithful are to do penance through prayer, fasting, abstinence, and by exercising works of piety and charity. All Fridays through the year, and especially during Lent, are penitential days.

from Lent and Easter Obligations as posted on the Military Archdiocese Website

We approached this deployment not with trepidation, but with anticipation for personal growth, as much needed time apart. As an introvert, I used this time to recharge.

How I spent this deployment

Prayer

Of course I pray for my deployed husband.

But having more free time on my hands without daily interaction with my husband, I found myself praying almost constantly. As an introvert and pretty quiet and introspective. It just became natural to talk to God.

I pray for my kids, their friends and acquaintances, their teachers and coaches.

I pray for The Church, our world and country leaders, minorities and those on the margins, nations in crisis, celebrities who are role models even if they shouldn’t be.

I pray for myself, that I will be softer, more humble, more loving, kinder.

I’ve discovered contemplative prayer and Lectio Divina and it’s really peaceful.

Fasting

Ash Wednesday and Lent are seasons of fasting.

I couldn’t say it any better for any time of year:

While I do intermittent fasting to detox, I don’t necessarily recommend that for everyone. It works for me and I enjoy smoothies, tea, and water during the week. Weekends are for pizza!

I lost 25 pounds during this deployment season. I exercised every single day, drank lots of water and tea, ate vegan or vegetarian during the day, healthy clean dinners (often seafood), and fewer animal products overall. The weight just fell off.

The feminist in me feels the need to say that I did all this for myself. I want my health to improve. I’m developing arthritis. My parents take handfuls of pills multiple times each day. My aunt just passed away last week from Alzheimer’s. I want to do better. I want to live better. I want to be a better role model of health for my kids.

Abstinence

Abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Most frequently, the term refers to sexual abstinence, or abstinence from alcohol, drugs, or food.

Well, this one is easy. He’s thousands of miles away. It’s easy for me to stay faithful. And I don’t believe in what happens on deployment, stays on deployment. We don’t have that kind of relationship.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:5

It’s also easier for me to eat what I want and how I want. I’ve eaten much healthier and more vegetarian. I hope to maintain that even after he returns home.

I do occasionally have a beer or glass of wine, but it’s been more for special occasions or with fancier dinners, and so much less than before. It’s no fun to drink alone. It feels wasteful not having my husband to share it with.

Yes, I can be rather an ascetic, but I’m learning to balance better.

Exercise

Exercising body and soul. Almsgiving, piety, and charity.

Wholeness and generosity.

It’s all about getting closer to and loving God, others, and self.

I started physical therapy for knee arthritis. They straightened out my misaligned hips and taught me a lot of strengthening and core exercises.

I have maintained daily exercise since.

My son reminds me each evening by pulling my exercise ball out of the closet for me. I do stretches and strengthening exercises.

I also walk at least a mile every day or so, depending on temperatures. I can’t get out there if it’s below freezing. It just hurts my lungs to breathe that cold air.

I pinned some great online workouts.

Penitence

I’m a pro at beating myself up.

I don’t need anyone to point out my errors, mistakes, sins. I do a great job of that all on my own.

I’m trying to heal. I’m reading up on narcissism, dysfunction, shame, anger, fear.

I will break this cycle.

I’m reading so much to get me out of my comfort zone. Books by indigenous and Black authors, books about decolonization, race, theology.

I’m so tired of the white woman memoir. I’m tired of the self-deprecating oh-woe-is-me mantra of those who identify as my peers. It feels like they’re asking for sympathy, camaraderie, connection…but it seems to me they’re just excluding those who don’t identify the same way.

I’m tired of reading a cleansed, whitewashed, imperialist history told by a Eurocentric and/or white American perspective. It’s actually really time-consuming and stressful to find proper texts and living books that teach the spectrum of perspectives of real history.

I want to hear the silenced voices.

I don’t want to make excuses for my whiteness nor do I want to perpetuate privilege. We can’t hide behind ignorance. I want to teach my kids a better way.

As we count down the days and hours until husband and father returns, we clean our hearts and minds and house in preparation for the return of our beloved and much missed family member.

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Deployments are stressful for married couples.

Of course being separated – for many months or a year – can create stress on a marriage.

Deployment exacerbates any issues already existing in the relationship.

I’m independent and capable and efficient. Being a single mom for seven months isn’t that much of a hardship for me. I make most of the household decisions anyway. Some people gave me side eye when they learned about the deployment and I wasn’t sufficiently devastated as they expected me to be. I take things as they come.

I know some spouses who can’t even go to the store alone, much less successfully navigate a deployment without loads of daily help from friends and family. But, to each her own, I guess.

We actually made this deployment decision together, to strengthen our marriage, and help his career.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

It takes lots of extra work to make marriage work in the military, and especially during long separations.

How to maintain a successful marriage during deployment:

Communication

We live in an era of easy communication. The Internet makes the impossible possible. Thousands of miles and oceans apart, and we can see each other face to face and chat daily. My grandma didn’t have that luxury, only seeing my grandpa on shore duty after months at sea, raising their two boys alone.

I’m not into small talk but I have to make myself available and chatty even when I don’t feel like it. I’m an extreme introvert.

He doesn’t care about care packages. He doesn’t want much. He asks for K Cups and garlic salt. So exciting. Also, some deployment locations limit items such as pork products or comic books, and it just stresses me out that he might get in trouble if I don’t read the ingredients on a jerky packet closely enough. I’m not going to waste time, effort, and money sending things he doesn’t want or need and that he’ll just give away to others.

He’s not much of a reader. I would love to read a book together and discuss it. But he’s not into that. I do often send him screenshots of my eBooks with highlighted text.

We don’t really watch the same shows much either. We sometimes recommend movies or shows to each other, but we don’t watch anything together regularly.

He likes sugarcoating and I’m very blunt. Texts and emails seem worse without any tone or facial expressions to lighten them. We can’t really afford to get offended.

I don’t want to come at him with only problems and bad news. I have to temper everything. But it seems that everything that can will go wrong during a deployment.

We have to make more of an effort to communicate well since we’re apart for a long time.

I’m often melancholy when I can’t share events, milestones, or something special with him.

I miss you in waves and tonight I’m drowning.

Finances

I’m using this opportunity of 7+ months of separation pay to pay off the credit card and not acquire any more debt.

I’m not a shopper anyway, so it’s easy for me to be frugal.

The kids and I keep busy and don’t fall into retail therapy to make ourselves feel better. We shop for needs and a few wants and items for the holidays.

I seem to save lots of money on utilities, household expenses, and by staying home, making it easier to pay off the debt. So much less laundry!

Temptation

I suppose temptation might be an area for many marriages to worry about.

I’m not very social and I’m very private. We’re loyal. We’re committed. It’s not really an issue.

Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely.

I rarely talk to people, and certainly not men. I’m not around men. I’m not around anyone, really. We don’t go to church anymore. There aren’t any stay at home, homeschooling dads in my circles for me to be concerned. I don’t even chat online with anyone except my family members.

I’m not one to be easily tempted and I would recognize the potential danger and immediately extricate myself because I want to maintain integrity. Trust is important.

It might be harder for some people in different circumstances. It might be difficult for lonely and bored deployed members seeing certain others day in and day out, in close quarters. Maintaining professional distance is important. Don’t confuse being nice with flirting.

I don’t believe in a deployment sex pact or “what happens in deployment, stays in deployment.” That’s not healthy.

I’m not sure what some spouses are up against, but guarding hearts and minds and removing oneself from dangerous situations is imperative.

I’ve read about too many marriages breaking up after deployments due to affairs and it’s very heartbreaking.

It’s very depressing at most deployment locations. It’s all neutral colors, poor weather and food, little entertainment or activity. He misses us. He misses affection.

It’s hard for us too. 

Self Improvement

During the first deployment, he completed a training course that he needed to make the next rank. That was convenient and easy for us.

He goes to the gym a lot. There’s not much else for him to do.

I read a lot. Like, a whole lot. And there are no interruptions for me now!

I’m constantly improving myself. I collect knowledge.

It’s easy for me to use these months alone to read more, watch more uplifting shows, write, research, educate myself, walk in nature, pray, think…and all the things that too often get interrupted on weekends and evenings.

I keep him updated on my progress and what I’m learning so he’s not totally lost and thinks I’m a different person when he returns. That’s a very real consideration. People grow, and can more easily grow apart while separated. It’s a concern I actively counter with communication.

Parenting

As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, this is my job. And now I’m doing it mostly alone for many months.

The kids keep on carrying on while Dad is away. It’s hard when I can’t share their milestones with their father. He’s missing out.

Of course, they rely on me as their mom for almost everything anyway. It takes some pushing and prodding for them to ask Dad for anything even when he’s home, and certainly they learn he’s not available to help much or take the load off me when he’s away.

I remind him to ask them about what they’re learning, reading, doing – to keep communication open and maintain relationship while he’s away. And I have to coax everyone during reintegration.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

With the time change, it’s even harder to connect sometimes with his work schedule. We have to make extra effort.

He trusts me to maintain a peaceful home for these kids – who are living for 8 months without a father, except on FaceTime. I have to make it as special and good as possible.

We’re in this together.

You might also like:

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

Tips to Navigate Motherhood During Deployment

A nifty little checklist to keep marriage strong during deployment.

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We’ve survived one deployment. It was my first winter ever and I survived with four small kids. He deployed to Kandahar in Afghanistan and it a rough time was had by all.

First deployments are really hard. There are so many unknowns.

Our middle daughter had the hardest time then. We’re all pretty adjusted now, I think.

We’re experiencing our second deployment, beginning in August. We’re older, more mature, better prepared. It’s in a safer area so we’re not as worried this time.

As an introvert married to an extrovert, military life (and regular married life) can sometimes present challenges.

I can play the game and play it well. I can smile and go to the functions and perform, but it exhausts me and I resent it and I prefer not to…so I seldom do it anymore.

We’ve lived on base once and that was enough closeness and lack of privacy for me. I prefer to live as far away from base as he can handle the commute.

Moving every few years is stressful and I tend to close myself up long before we actually leave. It takes me a good while to open up again in our new location. Then it’s time to leave again.

I’m not shy. I don’t have social anxiety. I’m a chameleon. I’m usually quiet but I’m loud in certain circumstances. I am often thoughtful and measure my words and tone.

I notice everything.

I’m an INTJ. Sometimes, life is just really hard.

Most people get married and try to change each other. We were no different. We’ve grown used to our differences and we compromise often. I prefer to stay home or socialize with just a few people, less seldom. I’ve never been into parties or large crowds. I don’t like festivals. I like smaller, quieter celebrations. I like to be alone.

“The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.” – Aldous Huxley

We don’t have the luxury of playing games.

If someone goes above and beyond for us, we appreciate it and we try to let you know. Expressing gratitude is important to us. Family is far away and we make family everywhere we go.

I appreciate people who have welcomed us, loved us, fed us, befriended us, and helped us at our various homes over the years. Some we have lost touch with, others have passed, and some we are still friends with, if only virtually.

We talk about your impact on our family. We remember.

Grandma Sharon from our church in San Antonio, Texas. She and Liz had a special relationship.
“Big Tori” is still our friend from Hawaii.
Pastor Neal, his wife, Christine, and their son, David, helped shape our faith in Utah. Mr. McMillan from across the street was a surrogate grandpa.
Jenn in Germany – we miss you! Alex still remembers the kindness of Coach Bacon in teeball.
Dale and Ruthann in Ohio. We love y’all.

We have friends all over the world. We are global citizens.

How does an introvert spouse survive deployment?

I’m not one to talk much to others about deployment. I’m pretty private.

Life goes on and if it had been up to me, I wouldn’t have even mentioned the deployment to anyone at all.

I don’t want to ask for help. I don’t want pity. I don’t want small talk.

I don’t want the commander or a key spouse calling me on the phone or stopping by to check on me. That happened during our first deployment and it was so awkward and uncomfortable.

And yes, I’m tired all the time from being “on” constantly. I don’t get any breaks. I go to bed a lot earlier now.

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” ~Paul Tillich

Preparation:

Weeks, even months, before the actual deployment, it seems like he’s already left.

Training sessions out of state, late nights of paperwork, medical appointments…it’s a hot mess gearing up for the actual event. He’s stressed about leaving his post and he’s stressed about his new assignment. He’s stressed about traveling there.

We get our paperwork in order. All those legal forms granting me access to everything. Just in case.

He got the cars serviced. He paid for the car tag taxes for two years so I don’t have to deal with that.

His stuff is everywhere. I stub my toe on his bag that’s in my office.

I’m almost anticipating the leaving so I can have some peace and quiet. We pick fights with each in frustration.

I stock up on vitamins, conveniences, and other items he’ll need to pack to take with him. We still forget stuff and I pack up a box the day after he leaves.

Of course he waits until the last minute to get things he needs, like PT pants and contact eye solution.

I got food poisoning from a restaurant two nights before he left. That was a great start to a hard week.

Saying goodbyes are hard. You kinda want to hurry up and get it over with, but it’s like getting kicked in the gut when the gate door closes behind him.

I only get to say goodbye once, but he travels on 4 airplanes, for almost 48 hours. He texts me when he arrives at each layover and when he’s about to board again. He’s stressed, tired, and unable to eat due to nerves. I drop everything to reply to his messages and comfort him, informing on what we’re doing: normal things like eating or cleaning or reading or watching Netflix.

When I got up at 0300 to see him off at the airport gate, my skin hurt by lunchtime. My stomach was in knots by dinnertime – from being so exhausted. I drank lots of tea and took a bath, but I couldn’t hold off any longer and fell asleep by 8:30 PM. I had that luxury of resting when I needed to, but he couldn’t rest well until he arrived at his deployment destination.

The first day of deployment:

I almost forget he’s not at work, a phone call, just 20 miles away.

I spent most of the day planning.

Inventoried the food and made a menu plan for the next two and a half months.

Budgeted for the next year. I plan to pay off the credit card during the deployment. Dang cat surgery and braces for two kids.

Wrote out a homeschool plan for the first month. Ordered some history books – from the library and Amazon.

Organized my book basket. I plan to read them all soon. I have way too many journals.

Gathered old school items to sell and clothing to donate.

Ordered the kids’ Halloween costumes – in August.

The first day alone is surreal. The cats are comforters, lying beside me and in my lap every time I sit down. They know. I drink his Assam tea with lots of sugar in my yellow Aiea, Hawaii, library cup and remember.

I made breakfast and lunch and did dishes and laundry. I look at the time and wonder how early I can start dinner?

“Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone.” – Paul Tillich

Deployments can be lonely, even for an introvert.

During good times, I think to myself that I won’t trip over his shoes that he leaves all over the house instead of in the shoe racks.

I can be efficient and clean and not have to worry about going back to tidy up his messes.

*There’s so much less laundry.*

I can budget better and easier. I will have fewer utilities, simpler meal planning, efficient errands using less gas.

I’ve given up alcohol. I don’t feel comfortable having a drink when I’m the only adult in the house. No more beer or wine for me. It’s not even in the house. I’ve lost 15+ pounds this month so far. I only have another 5-10 to go before I feel great. I weighed 170 a year ago when we moved to Ohio from Germany, which is the heaviest I’ve ever been – even after I had my C-Section in 2007. Read some of my weight loss methods here.

I don’t have to keep the air conditioner so low since I have the bed all to myself…and the cats.

There are no arguments. I kinda miss having someone to pick at.

I don’t have anyone to open jars.

I don’t use the charcoal grill. Alex is 8 and is in charge of the gas grill. I’m his assistant. I don’t tell him that I know how.

I have no one to rely on for help. All decisions fall to me. I am responsible for everything.

He can’t grab that ingredient I need on his way home from work.

If something goes wrong, it’s all my fault.

How I spend my time each season:

Autumn

This is probably the busiest time of year. It’s easier when we’re busy.

Chauffeuring the kids to soccer and fall baseball, back to school (even homeschoolers) events, art classes, and other fun field trips to take up those Sunday afternoons that drag on and on…

I’m taking my teen daughter to college classes until she gets her drivers license.

I’m spending most mornings writing. I take walks in the evenings after dinner.

Winter

He left on our January anniversary for that first deployment. Thanks, universe.

Have I mentioned that I hate snow? I hate the driveway and sidewalk shoveling…and driving in it. We like being outdoors, but I don’t like the cold.

The holidays are always kinda a drag for me. We don’t have family nearby. The special days don’t feel special. I used to get really anxious about making them perfect, but now they’re rather boring. The kids being older and realizing the commercialism of it all deflates it a bit. Holiday meals will be simpler. I think we’ll celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah the first week of December this year.

Classes are on break and it can get really boring.

Spring

He should return before all the spring birthdays next year.

Spring is always my favorite time of year. Rebirth and growing green things and all that. It’s like stretching in the sun after a cold winter.

Baseball season gets us a little busier again.

College courses start up again for my teen daughter. Hopefully, she’ll have her license sometime in winter.

Summer

During that first deployment, he returned in July. So summers aren’t really something we have to deal with during deployment.

Summers are usually fun, easy times with late nights and late mornings. We spend a lot of time outdoors.

Daily Schedule

I get tired earlier in the evenings, but I can’t fall asleep easily. And then I don’t sleep well. I’ve been reading a lot. I love checking out Kindle books through our library with Libby app.

We do our homeschool work during the days, but we can’t quite get in the swing of things.

We read aloud together in the mornings and evenings.

We take morning and/or evening walks if the weather is nice enough. I’ve been walking 3 miles during my daughter’s soccer practice twice a week. I often walk 1 mile other days, with my cats in their stroller.

It feels like my days revolve around meals more than ever. So much cooking and cleaning. So many dishes. The kids are great and old enough to help out a lot.Having a meal schedule keeps everyone happy right now. My daughters can help out lots in the kitchen now and prep or finish a meal. If you have any delicious slow cooker meals that don’t look like dog food, let me know. I’ve almost exhausted my repertoire.

Monday
Soccer practice and slow cooker dinners.

Tuesday
This is our only free day until November, so we cram in as much book work as we can during the day and have nicer dinners.

Wednesday
Baseball practice and slow cooker dinners.

Thursday
Soccer practice and slow cooker dinners.

Friday
Park days.
Homemade pizza for dinners.

Saturday
Soccer games and afternoon free play time.
Hamburgers and hot dogs for dinner.

Sunday
We’ve decided to take a little break from attending church services. We don’t want the pity from people who think they understand. We frequently do a spiritual fast when life gets very hard. We read a lot from the church fathers and modern authors, pray, and sing together.
Baseball games and afternoon free play time.
Chicken nuggets for dinner.

Sickness and Emergency

I do have some anxiety about injury. I’m saying, “Be careful!” to my kids a lot more than I usually do.

I really don’t want an ER visit during deployment so we’re taking vitamins and drinking lots of water and eating well and washing our hands lots.

My almost one-year-old son had some respiratory distress that first winter in Utah, but other than one visit when his lips turned blue, we were all healthy and safe. He didn’t have RSV, by the way.

I’m constantly praying: Be careful. Stay safe. Don’t get hurt. Don’t get sick.

If I get really sick, I know the kids can handle a lot of things. And other than a tummy bug, I can usually push on through.

Homecoming

I kinda loathe the expectation of the homecoming. We don’t make posters. We don’t really want a lot of fuss. The heartwarming surprise videos that go viral on social media give me hives.

Reintegration is hard for me. I don’t want to relinquish control. I like doing things my way.

The kids eventually adjust to the dynamic of having Dad home again.

We just want to get back to normal as quickly as possible.

It will be nice to have a big steak on the charcoal grill again.

You might also like

10 Gifts for a Military Family

How Deployment Affects Marriage

How Deployment Affects Kids

Navigating Motherhood During Deployment

Homeschooling During Deployment

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