Maintaining Attachment During Deployment

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

October 7, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 10 Comments

Military life is often very stressful for kids.

Deployments are especially hard on families.

When a parent is absent, kids often feel lost and will find an alternative attachment to replace the missing parent. This makes reintegration that much more difficult.

John Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:

Proximity Maintenance – The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
Safe Haven – Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
Secure Base – The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
Separation Distress – Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

It’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain attachment to the child.

It often falls to the spouse at home to accomodate or encourage attachment opportunities with the deployed member, but that doesn’t maintain the strong attachment as well as when the absent parent makes the effort. Of course, this might take lots of advance planning if the deployment occurs in a place where communication is very limited or the locale and situation is very dangerous or top secret.

It’s very painful to return home from a lonely and dangerous deployment to children who act like they don’t remember, don’t care, or would rather he’d stayed away.

It’s difficult to make amends with or collect children who become peer-attached or other-attached during the parent’s absence.

A deployed service member wants a warm homecoming to the much-missed spouse, and that requires maintaining attachment throughout the absence. It’s no different, and perhaps more important, to maintain a strong attachment with children.

It’s different at every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Farewell and welcome ceremonies are important to set the stage for a difficult time for the whole family.

Explaining expectations to kids is important.

We accompany dad to the airplane gate to say goodbye and wave the plane away.

We try to plan something fun and distracting the afternoon Dad leaves.

We meet him again at the airplane gate to welcome him home. This is even more special now than before 9/11 when everyone could meet loved ones at gates.

We try to give Dad space when he returns home since he’s really tired and stressed from several days of travel.

Maintaining Attachment with Kids

Most children are very susceptible to sensory stimulation that reminds them of the absent parent. Even during very short separations, the familiarity of touch, voice, smell, and sight helps kids overcome their discomfort of absence.

Some useful techniques for parents to help their children bridge unavoidable separation include giving the child pictures or pillows of themselves, special jewelry or lockets to wear, notes to read or have read to them, scheduling phone, text, or video calls at appointed times, recordings of their voice on books, or with special songs or messages, something with their smell on it for the child to hold on to when apart – like a stuffed toy or blanket or Tshirt, gifts to be opened or delivered at special times.

I frequently showed my son a photo book when he was a baby during our first deployment. The kids often looked through photos of our lovely memories traveling and holidays and other events.

Another way of keeping connected is by giving a child a sense of where a parent is when not with her. When a parent is away on a trip, set something up so she can follow the travels on a map. Physical absence is much easier to endure when one is able to locate the other in time and space.

For the first deployment, I set up a wall clock with “Daddy time” to show what time it was in Afghanistan. We set up the clock app on their iPads with “Doha time” so the kids knew what time it was during the second deployment.

We may need to enlist the help of others to keep the deployed member present in the child’s mind when absent. Ask friends, relatives, or other caregiving adults to talk to the child about the deployed member in a friendly way, to help him imagine what the parent might be up to at certain times, to show him pictures that will evoke for him pleasant memories. Share special meals and special occasions with extended family and friends and speak warmly of the absent parent.

We tried to schedule special dinners and celebrations during videochat so it was like we all together.

sources: Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gabor Maté, MD, and Gordon Neufeld

The continuum concept is an idea, coined by Jean Liedloff in her 1975 book The Continuum Concept, that human beings have an innate set of expectations that our evolution as a species has designed us to meet in order to achieve optimal physical, mental, and emotional development and adaptability.

I emailed and texted frequently with photos, milestones, and special events of the kids so he could talk to them about these things on chat and video call. I created photo book gifts of everything Dad missed on his deployments so he can share the memories too.

You might also like:

Linking up: Create with Joy, Anita Ojeda, Modest Mom, Kingdom Bloggers, MaryAndering Creatively, Little Cottage, Mostly Blogging, Flour me with Love, Home Stories, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Mary Geisen, InstaEncouragements, Abounding Grace, Purposeful Faith, Home Away, Uncommon Suburbia, Our Three Peas, Sarah Frazer, OMHG W, Anchored Abode, Worth Beyond Rubies, Soaring with Him, Ridge Haven Homestead, Welcome Heart, My Life Abundant, Raising Homemakers, Fluster Buster, Gingersnap Crafts, Girlish Whims, Penny’s PAssion, Apron Strings, Debbie Kitterman, Over the Moon, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Answer is Choco, Quiet Homemaker, Momfessionals, Della Devoted, Simply Sweet Home, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, TFT, CWJ, CKK, Fireman’s Wife, OMHG F, Pieced Pastimes, Life with Lorelai, Being a Wordsmith, Kippi at Home,

Share3

Pin14

17 Shares

You might also like:

National Museum of the U.S. Air Force

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

August 26, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 1 Comment

This museum is too big to do all in one day!

The National Museum of the U.S. Air Force galleries present military aviation history, boasting more than 360 aerospace vehicles and missiles on display in 12+ galleries.

We first went in September 2017.

We returned in August 2018 to see the Memphis Belle.

Tori did space camp this summer and there are lots of family events throughout the year.

For our first visit, we focused on WWI and WWII.

Eighty silver goblets commemorating each man who flew in the Doolittle Raid over Japan in April 1942.

In December 1946, Gen. James “Jimmy” Doolittle and his fellow Raiders gathered to celebrate his birthday, and that event turned into an annual reunion.

At every reunion, the surviving Raiders meet privately to conduct their solemn “Goblet Ceremony.” After toasting the Raiders who died since their last meeting, they turn the deceased men’s goblets upside down. Each goblet has the Raider’s name engraved twice — so that it can be read if the goblet is right side up or upside down. When there are only two Raiders left, these two men will drink one final toast to their departed comrades.

Retired Lt. Col. Richard “Dick” Cole, the last of the 80 Doolittle Tokyo Raiders, died on April 9, 2018. He was 103.

We viewed the Memphis Belle and everything else on our 2nd visit.

Visit National Museum of the U.S. Air Force.

The museum is open 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. seven days a week. The museum is closed on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Day.

Some museum exhibits have special hours.

Admission to the museum is FREE.

There is a charge for the Air Force Museum Theatre and flight simulators.

Pin1

1 Shares

You might also like:

How To Make Your Move Less Stressful

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

July 9, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert Leave a Comment

Anyone who has been through a move knows it can be a stressful experience. Whether it’s local or long distance, it involves hours of packing, labeling and organizing, and that doesn’t include the unpacking part.

The following steps can help you stay organized throughout the process and make it as efficient as possible.

1. Contact a Moving Company

Regardless of how many friends you think you have, you still need to contact a moving company. They are experts in packing fragile items, as well as making sure your furniture gets to its destination in one piece. Often, people make the mistake of thinking items aren’t fragile because they aren’t glass or expensive. However, many possessions have the potential to be damaged in a move, so it’s important to get a company you trust. If checking local moving companies Hillsborough County FL, for example, look at online reviews. You should also check their rating with the Better Business Bureau.

2. Get Rid of Unnecessary Items

Obviously, a move will be easier if you have fewer boxes to bring to the new home. Take a long look at heavy items, such as furniture. Decide whether it will fit well into the new space, both in terms of size and décor. There has also never been a better time to sort through closets and books to decide what can be sold or donated. People often take advantage of their move to host a garage sale and raise money for new furnishings for the new home.

3. Label Everything

Before taping up any boxes, put specific labels on the outside. Make sure the labels include the items as well as the room destination in the new house. Don’t skimp on the amount and type of tape, as this can be the reason boxes open and items break along the way.

4. Decide on Storage

Another key point to consider is moving time. Will the new home be available right away, or do you need storage? If your belongings need to be stored for a period of time, it’s essential to find a moving company that handles storage as well. This way, you won’t have to deal with multiple moves or several different companies.

Moving can be overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be a bad experience. A competent and professional moving company, particularly one that offers storage as well, will make it a much easier experience and be able to walk you through the entire process. Make sure to declutter and be organized with labels, and you’ll soon be happy in your new home.

Pin1

1 Shares

You might also like:

Parenting Alone During Deployment

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

June 24, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 9 Comments

I see you over there at every significant event with your spouse and kids and parents and in-laws, siblings and their kids, grandparents, and extended family, friends even.

You’re loud with inside jokes and almost obnoxious laughter within your safety net of family and close friends, whom you’ve known forever, in a place where you’ve always lived, surrounded by people who love you and whom you love, despite the mistakes of your past, your gawky teen years, going away to college and returning to marry and start your own family.

I don’t know what it’s like to be surrounded by friends and family.

Your eyes cut to me more than once.

Do you look uncomfortable or curious?

I’m the mom at her kids’ events, alone.

You might wonder if I’m a single mom.

Am I separated, divorced, or widowed?

You might wonder where my people are – parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, whoever.

I try to take lots of pictures for memories.

I go home after events and practices to email or text a summary and all the photos that turn out.

My husband is deployed.

Or TDY.

Or working late, weekends, doubles.

His parents passed the first year we married. His sisters choose not to have a relationship with us.

My parents live far away and we’re not close. Almost all my extended family have passed since I’m the youngest grandbaby.

Many people ask, “How do you do it?”

I just do.

This is my life.

I’ve had some scoff that this is my choice and I could make changes if I really wanted to.

I wonder: what could they possibly mean? Separation from the military before retirement (maybe in two more years!) and lose all those benefits? Geobaching? Divorce? What?

Of course it’s my choice. I knew what I was doing when I married my military man. It doesn’t make life any easier when the going gets rough.

I didn’t realize I can’t ever express sorrow, regret, loneliness, heartache – or any emotion that isn’t overwhelmingly patriotic and positive – over certain life circumstances like others so often do for shallow sympathy.

I do what I have to do to raise my children well, often with an absent father who travels or deploys for work. I sometimes struggle to be everything to my kids – mother and father. They know to rely on themselves and each other and me. I’m the constant. I’m consistent.

Sometimes, it’s just really hard and lonely.

Solo Parenting Tips

Stricter schedule
Earlier bedtimes for kids so I have alone time
Nature/outdoor time daily for at least 30 minutes
Healthy eating and plenty of water
Hire or borrow help when needed
Take lots of pictures
Video chat
Email
Texting
Have kids draw pictures, write letters, make treats to mail
Have kids help create and deliver care packages to USPS
Scrapbook or photo book of time missed

Have you ever parented alone and how did you manage?

Linking up: Pinventures, Squishable Baby, Mostly Blogging, Welcome Heart, Create with Joy, Anita Ojeda, Kingdom Bloggers, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, Abounding Grace, Insta Encouragements, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Grandma Ideas, Jessi’s Design, Uncommon Suburbia, Over the Moon, Sarah Frazer, My Life Abundant, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Anchored Abode, Soaring with Him, Kristin Taylor, Penny’s Passion, Creative K Kids, TFT, Pam’s Party, Apron Strings, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, Try it Like it, Life with Lorelai, Chic on a Shoestring, Quiet Homemaker, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, CWJ, Susan Mead, Crystal Waddell, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Being a Wordsmith, Blogghetti,

Pin104

104 Shares

You might also like:

PCSing from Germany Back to the States

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

March 25, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 6 Comments

We longed to stay in Germany longer, but the Air Force sent us home anyway.

PCSing to Germany was so exciting.

PCSing back to the States is stressful and seems to take a lot longer.

PCSing from Germany back to the States

An OCONUS (Outside Continental US) move is a little more complicated than a CONUS move.

What you need to do and know:

Paperwork

Organize your important papers and put them in a safe place to travel on your person as you PCS. Keep your PCS binder handy and organized with dividers, tabs, pockets. We have a nice huge one that zips closed.

The military member has lots of paperwork to complete. Be patient and helpful.

Get clear with all German accounts, businesses, taxes, banks. You don’t want an international incident. There are checklists for outprocessing for the military member to complete to help ensure this is taken care of well.

Exchange or deposit Euro (for easy transfer) at the KMCC BX community bank.

Get copies of everything.

Canceling Accounts

Most contracts – cellular, Internet, and TV accounts must be given 90 days notice! Make sure you take care of this in time for no penalty!

We went through the Comm Shop for cell service and he is super helpful.

Ramstein KMCC (BX mall) also has two shops that can assist.

You have to show up in person to cancel your utilities if you live off base.

Packing Out

Do all the same things you do for all pack outs.

Purging, colored tape, setting aside HHG (household goods) and unaccompanied baggage and professional goods from what you’re taking with you to TLF and on the plane ride.

We chose to pack out as early as possible. This way, we will have our goods ready and waiting to be delivered to our new house, whenever we find one.

It took two days for our packout. It was amazing. At least 3-4 of our 8-9 packers spoke perfect English and had a great sense of humor. It eased my mind. They loved the sub sandwiches, chips, and Gatorade we bought from the commissary for them for lunch.

What’s up with you, America? It typically took four days to pack out during our CONUS moves!

We requested temporary furniture from FMO for the month we’re still in our rental house. We each got a bed frame, mattress, and nightstand. We got a dining table with six chairs, sofa and two chairs for the living room.

We borrowed a dish pack from the Airman’s Attic with rather nice Wearever ceramic pots.

We borrowed some bedding items from a co-worker.

We kept some towels, pillows, and sleeping bags. I kept some kitchen items that I love and use every day. We’ll either throw out, donate, or mail the items to ourselves in the States when we go to TLF.

Pets

Take pets to vet to get all necessary vaccinations up to date and travel forms completed, usually within 30 days of travel.

Contact Patriot Express or commercial airline to ensure weather and temperatures will be predicted safe to travel.

We sent our pets ahead to my parents in Atlanta via Lufthansa in Frankfurt so it was easier on everyone the day we PCSed. We had a huge delay so I do recommend this if you have a friend or family member willing to pick up pets and pay the customs fee.

Otherwise, pets travel Patriot Express from Ramstein to BWI (Baltimore-Washington International Airport), then to wherever you go next.

It’s stressful on many animals.

Shipping a Vehicle

We sold my husband’s German car early.

I recommend getting your POV (privately owned vehicle) professionally cleaned and detailed. They’re very picky about condition and cleanliness and will inspect your vehicle top to bottom, inside and out, with flashlights for about 2 hours, noting every single flaw.

Rentals are very expensive in the Ramstein area, so we kept our minivan until the last possible moment, until we moved into base TLF (temporary housing facility).

My husband then had to rely on coworkers to get around to do his outprocessing.

The kids and I walked around base.

House Deposit

The Housing Office provides a letter to give to the landlord to terminate the housing contract.

The landlord has six months to return your security deposit! That’s really tough and they really don’t want to return any money. We had to fight for every penny and didn’t get it all back for petty reasons.

TLF

You’re entitled to only 10 days in Temporary Lodging Facilities (TLF) OCONUS. It wasn’t too difficult without a vehicle. Everything is pretty walkable on base.

Travel

It was a long journey from Germany to Baltimore. It was a really long time before we could even board our Patriot Express. They were waiting on a deployed group to board the plane and there were other holdups. We didn’t arrive to BWI until what felt like 2 AM.

Getting through customs was another long wait, with the whole plane lining up and snaking through cordons to have orders, IDs, passports checked.

We had booked a hotel room, expecting to arrive mid-afternoon. We had time to shower and get some of the complimentary breakfast, then it was back to BWI for our connecting flight.

Reverse Culture Shock

It’s always stressful PCSing.

It’s really hard to move back to the States when you love Europe and long to stay to travel more, experience more culture, and eat wonderful food.

It’s really loud and bright in the USA.

I really miss good bakeries.

It took me a couple years to feel used to being an American in the USA again. Sometimes, it’s still hard and I get surprised or shocked by something I see or hear.

We try so hard not to appear or sound braggy about our travels. This is just our life. We made hard choices and some sacrifices. We were very fortunate and we used our time and resources wisely. It’s also difficult to explain how it is to travel in Europe so frugally and widely compared to how vast and expensive the USA is.

We really loved our 3 years in Germany and have so many wonderful memories.

Linking up: Welcome Heart, Blogghetti, Life on Oak Hill, Our Holiday Journey, Create with Joy, Inspo for Moms, Pinventures, Mrs. AOK, April Harris, LouLou Girls, Home Stories, Timeless Mama, Meghan Weyerbacher, Purposeful Faith, Mary Geisen, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Welcome Heart, Soaring with Him, Kristin Taylor, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Becoming Press, Penny’s Passion, Over the Moon, TFT, Worth Beyond Rubies, Wise Woman, CKK, Apron Strings, Imparting Grace, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, Rachel Lee, Try it Like it, Creative K Kids, Chic on a Shoestring, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Simply Sweet Home, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Fireman’s Wife, Create with Joy, Crystal Waddell, Susan Mead, Lyli Dunbar, Life with Lorelai, Counting My Blessings,

Pin9

9 Shares

You might also like:

How I Spent Deployment

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

March 10, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

I grew up in the Bible belt, in a south Atlanta suburb. I didn’t know about Lent or a liturgical church year. My grandma was Lutheran and I went to church with her when she visited twice a year. All my school acquaintances were Baptist or Methodist. I sometimes visited their church when they were evangelizing.

I’ve come to see Lent as a time of reflection, personal growth, and study.

Looking back on these 7ish months, I realize I have changed, mostly for the better.

We’re in the countdown to homecoming with this second deployment.

Deployment is kind of like Lent, but for 215+ days instead of just 40 days.

Christian faithful are to do penance through prayer, fasting, abstinence, and by exercising works of piety and charity. All Fridays through the year, and especially during Lent, are penitential days.
from Lent and Easter Obligations as posted on the Military Archdiocese Website

We approached this deployment not with trepidation, but with anticipation for personal growth, as much needed time apart. As an introvert, I used this time to recharge.

How I spent this deployment

Prayer

Of course I pray for my deployed husband.

But having more free time on my hands without daily interaction with my husband, I found myself praying almost constantly. As an introvert and pretty quiet and introspective. It just became natural to talk to God.

I pray for my kids, their friends and acquaintances, their teachers and coaches.

I pray for The Church, our world and country leaders, minorities and those on the margins, nations in crisis, celebrities who are role models even if they shouldn’t be.

I pray for myself, that I will be softer, more humble, more loving, kinder.

I’ve discovered contemplative prayer and Lectio Divina and it’s really peaceful.

Fasting

Ash Wednesday and Lent are seasons of fasting.

I couldn’t say it any better for any time of year:

While I do intermittent fasting to detox, I don’t necessarily recommend that for everyone. It works for me and I enjoy smoothies, tea, and water during the week. Weekends are for pizza!

I lost 25 pounds during this deployment season. I exercised every single day, drank lots of water and tea, ate vegan or vegetarian during the day, healthy clean dinners (often seafood), and fewer animal products overall. The weight just fell off.

The feminist in me feels the need to say that I did all this for myself. I want my health to improve. I’m developing arthritis. My parents take handfuls of pills multiple times each day. My aunt just passed away last week from Alzheimer’s. I want to do better. I want to live better. I want to be a better role model of health for my kids.

Abstinence

Abstinence is a self-enforced restraint from indulging in bodily activities that are widely experienced as giving pleasure. Most frequently, the term refers to sexual abstinence, or abstinence from alcohol, drugs, or food.

Well, this one is easy. He’s thousands of miles away. It’s easy for me to stay faithful. And I don’t believe in what happens on deployment, stays on deployment. We don’t have that kind of relationship.

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5

It’s also easier for me to eat what I want and how I want. I’ve eaten much healthier and more vegetarian. I hope to maintain that even after he returns home.

I do occasionally have a beer or glass of wine, but it’s been more for special occasions or with fancier dinners, and so much less than before. It’s no fun to drink alone. It feels wasteful not having my husband to share it with.

Yes, I can be rather an ascetic, but I’m learning to balance better.

Exercise

Exercising body and soul. Almsgiving, piety, and charity.

Wholeness and generosity.

It’s all about getting closer to and loving God, others, and self.

I started physical therapy for knee arthritis. They straightened out my misaligned hips and taught me a lot of strengthening and core exercises.

I have maintained daily exercise since.

My son reminds me each evening by pulling my exercise ball out of the closet for me. I do stretches and strengthening exercises.

I also walk at least a mile every day or so, depending on temperatures. I can’t get out there if it’s below freezing. It just hurts my lungs to breathe that cold air.

I pinned some great online workouts.

Penitence

I’m a pro at beating myself up.

I don’t need anyone to point out my errors, mistakes, sins. I do a great job of that all on my own.

I’m trying to heal. I’m reading up on narcissism, dysfunction, shame, anger, fear.

I will break this cycle.

I’m reading so much to get me out of my comfort zone. Books by indigenous and Black authors, books about decolonization, race, theology.

I’m so tired of the white woman memoir. I’m tired of the self-deprecating oh-woe-is-me mantra of those who identify as my peers. It feels like they’re asking for sympathy, camaraderie, connection…but it seems to me they’re just excluding those who don’t identify the same way.

I’m tired of reading a cleansed, whitewashed, imperialist history told by a Eurocentric and/or white American perspective. It’s actually really time-consuming and stressful to find proper texts and living books that teach the spectrum of perspectives of real history.

I want to hear the silenced voices.

I don’t want to make excuses for my whiteness nor do I want to perpetuate privilege. We can’t hide behind ignorance. I want to teach my kids a better way.

As we count down the days and hours until husband and father returns, we clean our hearts and minds and house in preparation for the return of our beloved and much missed family member.

Linking Up: Blogghetti, Being a Wordsmith, April Harris, LouLou Girls, Pinventures, MaryAndering Creatively, Timeless Mama, Meghan Weyerbacher, Our Holiday Journey, Abounding Grace, Create with Joy, Lori Schumaker, Welcome Heart, Uncommon Suburbia, Home Stories, Mrs. AOK, Inspo for Moms, Mostly Blogging, Trekking Thru, Mary Geisen, Over the Moon, Jaime Wiebel, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Wise Woman, Our Three Peas, Jessi’s Design, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Worth Beyond Rubies, Apron Strings, Try it Like it, Rachel Lee, Crystal Storms, Debbie Kitterman, TFT, Creative K Kids, Mommynificent, Penny’s Passion, Life with Lorelai, CWJ, Fireman’s Wife, Anna Nuttall, Susan Mead, Simply Sweet Home, Coffee with Us3, Faithful Pursuit, Answer is Choco, Della Devoted, RCH Reviews, Momfessionals, Crystal Waddell, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings,

Share3

Pin18

21 Shares

You might also like:

Reintegration

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

February 25, 2019 By Jennifer Lambert 14 Comments

First of all, I really loathe the word “reintegration” for after deployment, returning to routine, family, normal life. The only instance I could find for the use of the word outside the military world is in rehab.

I guess it could feel a little as if a loved one left either way.

Of course, the first few days, even weeks, back from a deployment can be stressful and difficult for a married couple and for a parent and children.

Deployment is really hard on children and marriages. We have to put forth extra effort for long distance relationships.

Holidays have to be extra special to make up for the missing family member.

As homeschoolers, we keep on doing our thing, but sometimes, we take breaks when we become sad and miss Dad or just need mental health days or to go do something somewhere that’s not home with all its memories.

Successful Reintegration for Families:

Preparation
Expectations
Communication
Schedule
Adjustment

It helps to take a few days or even weeks during the countdown to homecoming to get the family ready!

Preparation

I’ve spent many months on my own, doing things my way.

Organized, efficient, routine.

I’m an introvert and I’m pretty strong on my own.

I know I need to prepare myself and the kids for a new arrival after so much time alone.

We’ve been doing things without him for so long that he will feel almost like a stranger in his own home.

We need to have conversations and list pros and cons to our lifestyles and how we don’t want to irritate Dad when he returns home and adjusts to living with family members who have grown so much he doesn’t even know now.

We may have to adjust schedules and have earlier quiet time since Dad goes to bed earlier to get up to go to the gym and then work. No more late night dance parties on a Tuesday or snacks loudly prepared in the kitchen after bedtime.

We’ll have a family meeting to discuss how things were, how things are, and how things could and should be upon his return.

It’s a lot more work and effort than just showing off the new sofas and bathroom rugs, discussing how much taller the kids are, asking for help putting together the robot Christmas present.

We can’t and don’t want to just go back to the way things were before.

Expectations

I hate the airport reunion.

I hate the waiting for the plane with anxious kids. I hate the witnesses, judging our affection. Is it right? Enough? Too much?

I hate standing aside in baggage claim while his commander and coworkers fawn over him and everyone ignores us.

We fake smiles and attempt to make small talk with people who don’t even know us as anything other than an issued accessory.

We get through it somehow and sit awkwardly for the car ride home from the airport.

The anticipation for the first few hours home seem bursting with embarrassment as there’s not much really to look forward to anymore.

There will be lots of unpacking, laundry, jet lag.

There’s no possible way he can catch up on months that he missed.

We’ll go through photos and by bits and pieces, he can develop memories of this time.

I got a scrapbook album last time he deployed and I think those are a great idea.

It’s confusing and maybe scary for young kids to welcome home a parent who seems so different from when he left, from their fond memory of him.

He’ll smell different. The cats and kids will surely notice. Months of eating poor quality food and being in the desert changes his familiar scent.

He may look different. His eyes might be shadowed with anything he may have seen over there. Months of loneliness without anything soft or caring takes its toll.

He may talk differently. He’s used to barking orders or talking to other service members. He’s almost forgotten what it’s like to speak in a tone appropriate for wife and kids.

Loud, sudden noises may be startling after months of listening to warfare.

It’s an adjustment for all of us to get used to each other again.

Communication

I need to communicate the changes that have occurred so he is up to speed and doesn’t feel too left out.

The kids and I have evolved and changed as a family, without him.

We have just grown. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually.

There is bound to be some friction when he doesn’t realize we’re not the same as we were last year when he left.

The transition he will go through will be hard with the kids’ confusion and struggle for us all to be respectful of his loss.

He will have to make a big effort to catch up on all he can so he can feel a part of our family again.

Everyone will have to be patient and understanding.

I will do what I can to gently remind him of favorites and preferences – dishes, colors, seating arrangements, the one child who dislikes black pepper on her scrambled eggs.

And also gentle reminders for all of us to speak kindly, carefully, and softly.

Schedule

I’ve gone to bed whenever I’ve wanted, reading or watching shows, alone.

My schedule has revolved around the kids and our natural rhythms.

We will have to discover new rhythms, to include him in our lives again.

The kids will either want to overwhelm him by making up for all the lost time or ignore him completely because they learned to cope without him.

It will be very awkward at first, and maybe for a good long while as our schedules adjust.

Dinnertime will be different. I have to remember to make enough food, consider his preferences, and have it at an appropriate time for his schedule too.

The bed will suddenly get so much smaller, with two cats, my son who falls asleep as I read to him, and then – suddenly after a long absence – my husband. The cats are gonna be so mad. I’ll have to stay on my side again.

Adjustment

After the initial excitement of his return wears off, we have to make constant adjustments over the next few weeks.

We’ll get irritated with each other.

We can assume we’re just going to fall back into old patterns but that might not be best or desired. We may have forgotten each other’s bad habits during that rosy “heart grows fonder while he’s away” thing.

I’ll learn to rely on him again. I’ll ask him to take out the trash. I’ll expect him to help with the dishes and put his clothes in the laundry. I’ll want him to take the kids to events or accompany me.

We’ll try to slowly introduce him to our lives and interests. He will probably be exhausted from all the new information.

We need to take time to realize and decide who we want to be as a couple and family. We don’t necessarily want to fall into old patterns.

After a few weeks, we predict our lives will have improved due to this deployment as we all grew personally during this time apart.

He gets a little time off work to reintegrate and we all can take that time to get to know one another again.

There are mental health services for returning service members and their families who struggle with reintegration.

Linking up: Mrs. AOK, Modest Mom, Our Holiday Journey, Create with Joy, Mostly Blogging, Inspo for Moms, Good Random Fun, Anita Ojeda, Lori Schumaker, Blogghetti, MaryAndering Creatively, April Harris, Timeless Mama, Abounding Grace, Mary Geisen, Trekking Thru, LouLou Girls, Home Stories, Jessi’s Design, Welcome Heart, Wise Woman, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Oh My Heartsie Girl, Penny’s Passion, Over the Moon, Creative K Kids, Mommynificent, Debbie Kitterman, Try it Like it, TFT, Apron Strings, Rachel Lee, Imparting Grace, Susan Mead, Anna Nuttall, Simply Sweet Home, CKK, CWJ, Crystal Storms, Fireman’s Wife, Coffee With Us3, Chic on a Shoestring, Answer is Choco, Della Devoted, Momfessionals, Crystal Waddell, Lyli Dunbar, Counting My Blessings, Life with Lorelai,

Share1

Pin28

29 Shares

You might also like:

How Deployment Affects Kids

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

November 26, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 12 Comments

Our first deployment, the kids were young.

Our kids were 9, 4 1/2, 3 1/2, and 9 1/2 months.

He left for Kandahar, Afghanistan, in mid-January. I was all alone in Utah – far from family, and friends were almost non-existent.

I’m pretty self-sufficient.

Sure, I had some bad days.

We had a blizzard. I burned the garlic toast one night at dinner. We had a basement flood on Memorial Day.

Overall, we did well, considering.

Our second deployment, the kids are older.

They’re 18, 12, 11, and 8.

It’s so different, but not necessarily easier.

As a homeschooling mom of 4, deployment can be lonely and difficult at times. We have no help – no family nearby, no support system. We are self-reliant. I am an introvert.

I simplify for sanity some days, or even weeks. Sometimes, I buy storebought baked goods, rotisserie chickens for dinner, canned biscuits, and these new natural Lunchables. My time is valued and these shortcuts help us a lot when life gets hectic. We’ve even gone out to eat a few times!

Cutting corners is fine. I have to give myself a break.

I don’t want to drive 4 kids all over town every day or all weekend. I limit errands and activities to save time and money and yes, it’s hard to say no sometimes. I have to judge what’s the best use of our time and money. I can’t be in two places at once. We participate in activities together as much as possible – art lessons, classes at our local craft stores, rec sports at the same park.

Bedtime is earlier. After dinner, I’m just spent. I want to take a bubble bath and lie in bed watching Netflix with my cats.

My kids are older now and they can help a lot more around the house. The kids understand. I use Facebook Messenger Kids to remind them to load the dishwasher.

Holidays can be different. We don’t have to eat turkey at Thanksgiving. We can celebrate Christmas on a different, more convenient, day. We can eat a picnic in the living room with the TV on.

We maintain routines as much as possible for our comfort and my sanity.

We pray and read and cook and eat. We get outside and exercise almost every day, no matter the weather. We snuggle and love the cats.

We allow the tears and sadness because it’s healthy to express all emotions.

How Does Deployment Affect Kids?

Most people think deployment must just be really hard and negative for families. While there are certainly sad times, I think deployment can help families grow stronger.

Infants

My son didn’t much seem to notice anything different. I was his primary caretaker and that didn’t change. If he noticed or wondered why Dad wasn’t home evenings or weekends all of a sudden, he couldn’t communicate that question.

My son was mostly oblivious to everything during the first deployment. It was just regular life for him. Of course, he picked up on my emotions and stress. It seemed like Dad missed so much – his first steps and his first birthday. So much growth.

It was a little awkward with the homecoming and he sorta remembered Dad, but it took a little while for them to get comfortable with each other again.

Toddlers

Kids in this age group are not known for flexibility or handling change well. I think it’s hard to explain something complex like deployment to small children.

They wonder if he’s coming back, if he’ll be safe or get hurt. They develop abandonment issues. They become very clingy. It’s hard for them to express emotions and handle stress.

My youngest daughter was and is pretty independent and I don’t think she was too concerned about Dad being gone, but she wasn’t really able to process or express anything about it.

I kept the kids on a routine to help us all adjust more easily.

Preschoolers

It was so super hard on my middle daughter during the first deployment. She pretty much slept in my bed the entire time Dad was gone. She struggled with abandonment feelings. She struggled with middle child issues. She couldn’t process her emotions nor express her fears. She’s always been our sensitive one.

It helped her to grow. She’s strong now as a 12 year old and amazes me every day as my helper in all things.

Elementary

My eldest daughter has always had to be strong for her siblings, and sometimes even for me. She’s had to be responsible from a very young age. She was a huge help during the first deployment.

My 8 year old son is feeling it hardest for this second deployment. He’s gotten better into a routine now that we’re about halfway through. There are lonely times for him as the only boy in a houseful of girls. I help him use his time serving, helping, and learning.

He misses his Dad.

Tweens

My middle girls at age 11 and 12 are pretty indifferent about this second deployment. They chat and FaceTime with Dad frequently and they don’t really feel (or don’t express) the distance. They send him photos on email and chat and create drawings for the care packages we send. Maybe they’re just well adjusted and accepting.

Teens

My eldest is now eighteen, and fairly independent. She still relies on me for advice and help, especially during crises. She hasn’t taken her driving test yet for her license yet.

But sometimes, she thinks she knows everything. She’s not very affected by the deployment. She helps at home and works with me on schedules so I can do everything we need to do. I know she’s angry and wishes her life had been different.

Don’t we all have regrets? Military life has its ups and downs but we’ve had amazing opportunities. She realizes this, but sometimes feels disappointment at our lack of roots.

She’s learning valuable lessons about fidelity, duty, love, and relationships.

It’s different at every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Military life builds resilience, flexibility, independence, value, and perspective.

I’m making memories with these kids – who are living for 8ish months without a father, except on FaceTime, messenger, and email. I have to make it as special and good as possible. I do try to hide my negative emotions and I try never, ever, to lash out at them when I’m stressed. I don’t want Dad to only hear about problems. He needs to be part of the joy and celebration too, so he doesn’t feel he’s missing so much.

After close to a year apart, we have to learn each other again.

Yes, it’s hard sometimes.

They know we’re in this together.

You might also like My Tips for Surviving Motherhood During Deployment.

Linking up: Our Holiday Journey, Create with Joy, Pinventures, Organized Dream, Mostly Blogging, Inspo for Moms, Darling Downs Diaries, Blogghetti, Chicken Chick, Coffee with Us3, Mrs. Tee, Timeless Mama, Holley Gerth, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Home Stories, My Uncommon Slice of Suburbia, Trekking Thru, Purposeful Faith, Abounding Grace, Jessi’s Design, Wise Woman, Our Three Peas, Gingersnap Crafts, Over the Moon, Mississippi Mom, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, CWJ, Fireman’s Wife, Overwhelmed to Fulfilled, Easy Peasy pleasy, Anna Nuttall, Answer is Choco, Being a Wordsmith, Penny’s Passion, Counting My Blessings, Crystal Waddell, Mommynificent, Be Thee Inspired, Crystal Storms, CKK, TFT, Lori Schumaker, Imparting Grace, Lyli Dunbar, Simply Sweet Home, Life with Lorelai, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Our Mini Family,

Share5

Pin23

28 Shares

You might also like:

Celebrating Holidays During Deployment

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

November 19, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 5 Comments

Deployment.

The HoLidAyS.

Halloween to New Years.

Can you say S-T-R-E-S-S?

The holidays get me down anyway, and doing them alone is no fun at all. If it were just me, I would forego the whole winter season completely.

I do it for the kids.

October to January. It feels like so many expectations to make everything perfect, all by myself.

The kids are older now and they have a say. They like to stay home, mostly.

We don’t want potlucks with strangers. We don’t participate in events on base. We don’t know the people Dad works with at all.

We stopped going to church because it was so fake. I don’t want pity or questions. I’m healing in my solitude.

How We Celebrate the Holidays During Deployment:

Tradition

For many families and certainly for young kids, maintaining tradition is important. It offers continuity and comfort. We have certain expectations every year. Some things can be omitted or mixed up, but other things are just necessary for the holiday to feel special.

I’m an only child, so we really never did much on holidays, except with my grandmothers and they passed when I was a teenager.

My husband’s parents passed the first year we married. We’ve never celebrated holidays with family.

It was a blank slate.

We could create our own traditions!

We like to keep things simple. It keeps my stress levels down, knowing I don’t have to make everything perfect and Pinterest-worthy. We don’t do Santa. We do St. Nicholas, but they know it’s me.

For our family of six, we have several traditions.

We make and eat latkes the first night of Hanukkah, even though we’re not Jewish. We learned about Judaism in depth for homeschool church and world history and we’ve just always continued with some of the Jewish traditions.

We like to drive around, looking at Christmas lights. This is the first year in ages that we didn’t do that. I just couldn’t fit it in with the weather, kids’ schedules, and my parents visiting.

We try new recipes for cookies, muffins, cakes.

We watch certain movies during the holiday season.

New Traditions

Shopmas, er, Thanksgiving, is kind of a worthless holiday for us. We practice gratitude year-round.

My eldest doesn’t even like turkey. Only one child likes dressing/stuffing. There’s hardly a point making a lot of food for Thanksgiving that no one likes. We don’t care about or watch football. We can have pizza on Thanksgiving if we want to. I can make a mini buffet of lots of little snacks or appetizers and we can all eat what we like. We can do what we want. We can go to the movies. It doesn’t matter. No one dictates to us! Maybe it will even become a new tradition.

My son just announced that he can’t wait for Thanksgiving! He loves turkey and my homemade pie. Well, then. Guess there will be no deviating from that tradition at this time.

We don’t do Black Friday or Cyber Monday. I’ve been finished with holiday shopping for weeks. We want a debt-free holiday.

We eat an awful lot of ham year-round so it’s just not special. I’m not making a prime rib without my husband here to enjoy it. We can have Chinese food, Italian, or anything we want for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinners! There’s a scary freedom to that.

There are some things only Dad can do or do well. So without him here, I have to mix things up.

We normally make chicken wings on New Year’s Eve, but I’m kinda scared of the deep fryer. We may have a living room picnic with a movie or even go out. Update: I did great frying chicken wings!

We can go to a movie on New Year’s Day. We usually have the traditional Southern pork, greens, and black-eyed peas for dinner.

We really like Chinese New Year and often make Asian food or go out for a special meal.

Travel

We used to travel over holidays.

The long 4-day Thanksgiving weekend offered great opportunities when we lived in Germany – and we went to Prague, Porto, and Venice. We went to Maui and Rome over Christmas.

We’ve been saving money and I don’t know if I want to venture out too far in snow or ice. I’m from Georgia.

My parents are 12 hours away by car.

My eldest works more when school is out.

I know lots of families move in with family or visit extensively to stave off the loneliness.

Presents

We are always trying to be frugal and debt-free, but I’m doing presents this year.

Yes, there is a bit of guilt that Dad’s not here and I probably spent more than I would have if he were home.

We may open some gifts during the nights of Hanukkah. We may open them all on Christmas Eve. I’m letting the kids decide but they can’t complain later.

Presents aren’t the most important part of the holidays, but they’re fun. The anticipation is exciting.

Presence

There’s only me, so I feel obligated to do all the things.

We celebrate Advent with reading and candles every evening.

We spent the cold dreary days and nights together playing board games, Wii, reading, puzzles, baking.

Sometimes the togetherness gets to be a bit much and we separate to draw, read, cook, watch Netflix, or sit with the cats.

I want to rest in the presence of Jesus during Advent.

I want to model calm presence throughout the holidays in spite of the chaos and loneliness.

How do you celebrate holidays when your spouse is deployed?

You might also like

10 Gifts for a Military Family

How Deployment Affects Marriage

How Deployment Affects Kids

Navigating Motherhood During Deployment

Homeschooling During Deployment

Surviving Deployment as an Introvert Spouse

Linking up: Create with Joy, Our Holiday Journey, Mostly Blogging, Inspo for Moms, Organized Dream, Pinventures, Chicken Chick, Squishable Baby, Modest Mom, LouLou Girls, April Harris, Purposeful Faith, MaryAndering Creatively, Abounding Grace, Trekking Thru, Esme Salon, Wise Woman, Gingersnap Crafts, Our Three Peas, Marilyn’s Treats, Holley Gerth, My Life Abundant, Sarah Frazer, Lyli Dunbar, Life Beyond the Kitchen, Be Thee Inspired, Lori Schumaker, Quietly Reminded, Meghan Weyerbacher, Our Mini Family,

Share2

Pin13

15 Shares

You might also like:

How Deployment Affects Marriage

This post may contain affiliate links. See disclosure. Check out my suggested resources.

November 12, 2018 By Jennifer Lambert 11 Comments

Deployments are stressful for married couples.

Of course being separated – for many months or a year – can create stress on a marriage.

Deployment exacerbates any issues already existing in the relationship.

I’m independent and capable and efficient. Being a single mom for seven months isn’t that much of a hardship for me. I make most of the household decisions anyway. Some people gave me side eye when they learned about the deployment and I wasn’t sufficiently devastated as they expected me to be. I take things as they come.

I know some spouses who can’t even go to the store alone, much less successfully navigate a deployment without loads of daily help from friends and family. But, to each her own, I guess.

We actually made this deployment decision together, to strengthen our marriage, and help his career.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

It takes lots of extra work to make marriage work in the military, and especially during long separations.

How to maintain a successful marriage during deployment:

Communication

We live in an era of easy communication. The Internet makes the impossible possible. Thousands of miles and oceans apart, and we can see each other face to face and chat daily. My grandma didn’t have that luxury, only seeing my grandpa on shore duty after months at sea, raising their two boys alone.

I’m not into small talk but I have to make myself available and chatty even when I don’t feel like it. I’m an extreme introvert.

He doesn’t care about care packages. He doesn’t want much. He asks for K Cups and garlic salt. So exciting. Also, some deployment locations limit items such as pork products or comic books, and it just stresses me out that he might get in trouble if I don’t read the ingredients on a jerky packet closely enough. I’m not going to waste time, effort, and money sending things he doesn’t want or need and that he’ll just give away to others.

He’s not much of a reader. I would love to read a book together and discuss it. But he’s not into that. I do often send him screenshots of my eBooks with highlighted text.

We don’t really watch the same shows much either. We sometimes recommend movies or shows to each other, but we don’t watch anything together regularly.

He likes sugarcoating and I’m very blunt. Texts and emails seem worse without any tone or facial expressions to lighten them. We can’t really afford to get offended.

I don’t want to come at him with only problems and bad news. I have to temper everything. But it seems that everything that can will go wrong during a deployment.

We have to make more of an effort to communicate well since we’re apart for a long time.

I’m often melancholy when I can’t share events, milestones, or something special with him.

I miss you in waves and tonight I’m drowning.

Finances

I’m using this opportunity of 7+ months of separation pay to pay off the credit card and not acquire any more debt.

I’m not a shopper anyway, so it’s easy for me to be frugal.

The kids and I keep busy and don’t fall into retail therapy to make ourselves feel better. We shop for needs and a few wants and items for the holidays.

I seem to save lots of money on utilities, household expenses, and by staying home, making it easier to pay off the debt. So much less laundry!

Temptation

I suppose temptation might be an area for many marriages to worry about.

I’m not very social and I’m very private. We’re loyal. We’re committed. It’s not really an issue.

Being alone doesn’t mean I’m lonely.

I rarely talk to people, and certainly not men. I’m not around men. I’m not around anyone, really. We don’t go to church anymore. There aren’t any stay at home, homeschooling dads in my circles for me to be concerned. I don’t even chat online with anyone except my family members.

I’m not one to be easily tempted and I would recognize the potential danger and immediately extricate myself because I want to maintain integrity. Trust is important.

It might be harder for some people in different circumstances. It might be difficult for lonely and bored deployed members seeing certain others day in and day out, in close quarters. Maintaining professional distance is important. Don’t confuse being nice with flirting.

I don’t believe in a deployment sex pact or “what happens in deployment, stays in deployment.” That’s not healthy.

I’m not sure what some spouses are up against, but guarding hearts and minds and removing oneself from dangerous situations is imperative.

I’ve read about too many marriages breaking up after deployments due to affairs and it’s very heartbreaking.

It’s very depressing at most deployment locations. It’s all neutral colors, poor weather and food, little entertainment or activity. He misses us. He misses affection.

It’s hard for us too.

Self Improvement

During the first deployment, he completed a training course that he needed to make the next rank. That was convenient and easy for us.

He goes to the gym a lot. There’s not much else for him to do.

I read a lot. Like, a whole lot. And there are no interruptions for me now!

I’m constantly improving myself. I collect knowledge.

It’s easy for me to use these months alone to read more, watch more uplifting shows, write, research, educate myself, walk in nature, pray, think…and all the things that too often get interrupted on weekends and evenings.

I keep him updated on my progress and what I’m learning so he’s not totally lost and thinks I’m a different person when he returns. That’s a very real consideration. People grow, and can more easily grow apart while separated. It’s a concern I actively counter with communication.

Parenting

As a stay at home, homeschooling mom, this is my job. And now I’m doing it mostly alone for many months.

The kids keep on carrying on while Dad is away. It’s hard when I can’t share their milestones with their father. He’s missing out.

Of course, they rely on me as their mom for almost everything anyway. It takes some pushing and prodding for them to ask Dad for anything even when he’s home, and certainly they learn he’s not available to help much or take the load off me when he’s away.

I remind him to ask them about what they’re learning, reading, doing – to keep communication open and maintain relationship while he’s away. And I have to coax everyone during reintegration.

It’s different as every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

With the time change, it’s even harder to connect sometimes with his work schedule. We have to make extra effort.

He trusts me to maintain a peaceful home for these kids – who are living for 8 months without a father, except on FaceTime. I have to make it as special and good as possible.