Jennifer Lambert

A Sacred Balance

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50 Shades of Green

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My husband officially retired from the US Air Force the end of April 2022, and he was on terminal leave from the end of December 2021.

Twenty years is such a long time, but also a short time.

We met when he was on his first tour – at Warner Robins, GA. It’s been about eighteen years for me. The lifetime of a military spouse.

The bittersweet of giving up a career in academia to homeschool children and keep house while traveling to various duty stations, trying to create a new life every three years.

There’s been good, bad, ugly.

There were seasons of joy and seasons of depression. There were sometimes too long moments when I didn’t want this life anymore and wondered if I could find something, anything better elsewhere.

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, disoriented, feeling out of time. Which house is this? Where am I? I almost expect my kids to wander in as toddlers, but they’re teens now. I am the keeper of all the memories since it all runs together for them. We have only pictures to remind them.

I am not a good military wife.

Oh, I tried over and over, but always failed miserably, to be a good military wife.

I had to purge so many possessions every time we moved. I regret and resent some of my collectibles and memories are gone forever because my husband was concerned with weight allowances for our packing out. Books signed by the author, my teapot collection, knickknacks, toys from my childhood, castoff furniture from my parents. Somehow, it was always my things that had to go?

I often lost and found myself in a spiral of packing materials, moving boxes, lost or stolen items, and so many broken glasses.

There’s a metaphor there somewhere.

Every time we moved, we could recreate ourselves.

It was never quite spoken aloud, but I think we all realized we could be whoever we wanted to be, sloughing off the old skins we wore at our last location and trying on someone new, seeing how it tasted in our mouths and felt in our hands.

I searched for community in churches, homeschool groups, co-ops, mom clubs, military spouse orgs.

I never felt that I fit and then it was time to leave again anyway.

Out of sight, out of mind.

No one stayed my friend.

I realize they were just acquaintances for a season.

My kids lost everyone every few years. They don’t even know their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents.

It’s been a lonely life. It’s still lonesome.

It infuriates me that we are so disposable.

Out of sight, out of mind.

So much loss over the years – broken items, broken hearts.

What to Expect with Military Retirement:

Hitting the Button

It was a bittersweet day when my husband officially requested retirement papers.

Military members can apply no earlier than 12 months prior to their retirement effective date. It is recommended that applications are submitted no later than 180 days prior to their effective pay date to ensure payment is received on time.

There were transition videos (TAP) and checklists to complete. It was worse than PCS checkout or high school graduation week!

Leave

I think there are options to cash in leave or take terminal leave before the actual retirement date. It might be different for various services or groups.

Taking terminal leave lets you use accrued leave in lieu of selling the leave. Terminal leave is granted at the discretion of your command.

It was a little bit awkward for us since there was six months of terminal leave, and this was all during COVID, so there were no parties or ceremonies.

Final PCS?

When retiring from the military, you are permitted a last move to whatever location you choose within the U.S.A., a place that is known as your “home of selection.” You have a year to file for this.

We chose to stay in Dayton, Ohio.

My husband finally has an unexpired driver’s license with a current picture after updating it to Ohio from Illinois!

Insurance

We lost SGLI, so we are choosing to purchase Term Life Insurance and opting to take all the precautions in case of death so the benefits continue for me and the kids. VGLI is another option.

USAA offers insurance and other services to look into and compare prices.

Tricare is still a great health insurance since we live right near Wright Patterson AFB. We like the continuity of care. We’re all in great health, but it’s familiar and easy and cheaper than alternatives for us. The retiree option has copays, so that’s different for us.

We chose to get dental and vision insurance through my husband’s new job.

My husband gets veteran medical care at WPAFB.

Working Again

While some may be able or even want to be retired and putter around, we are still young and have teens who need all the things. Not working just isn’t an option yet.

If choosing to work right away on base in a GS, contractor, or similar capacity, there is a waiting period, but some can request a waiver and work immediately if there is a job offer.

My husband updated his LinkedIn and created a résumé. We thought it would be easy, but it was not. It was stressful and he had several interviews that were a joke. No one wanted to pay him what he was worth.

My husband was able to find a civilian job in January.

I had to buy him clothes! It’s so much more work having to choose chinos and a polo and socks and shoes than wearing a military uniform!

Taxes

We chose to retire in Ohio because military pensions are not taxed. Some states have various tax breaks for military retirees.

Federal taxes may come as a surprise the first couple years with the military pension and his new job, so we’re opting to have more withheld and will probably hire a tax professional to help us navigate this year. I just hope to break even.

VA Rating and Benefits

There were so many medical appointments at private clinics and hospitals to ensure there was no fraud or cronyism. They checked every body system. It seemed each appointment was for one little thing. It took months.

He requested all his medical records and had to submit those as proof of any issues.

My husband received his VA benefits letter on May 2, 2022. He received his first VA check on June 1, 2022. There was no back pay.

VA benefits are not taxed.

Each state has different benefits based on ratings.

We had purchased our home with a VA Loan. The kids have a year of his GI Bill for college. VA education benefits are great in Ohio. There are free and discounted homeowner taxes and car license plates.

Other

We need to update our financial investments, wills, and POAs. We haven’t updated these since the last deployment.

Some of this slid by since the JAG office has been closed during COVID.

There was so much military equipment to go through, give back, donate, sell. What would we ever need it for again?

I’m sure everyone’s military retirement process is a little different, but this was our rather simplified experience.

I’m glad we don’t have to deal with the dread of deployments or PCS anymore. Our kids are 12, 15, 16, and 21. We are relieved to have a home where we can finally feel like we can put down some roots.

Onward to the next stage of our lives!

You might also like:

Resources:

Linking up: Eclectic Red Barn, Random Musings, Create with Joy, Homestead, Shelbee on the Edge, God’s Growing Garden, Soaring with Him, Anchored Abode, InstaEncouragements, Joanne Viola, Jenerally Informed, Ridge Haven Homestead, Ducks in a Row, Fluster Buster, Anita Ojeda, LouLou Girls, Suburbia, Penny’s Passion, Try it Like it, Katherine’s Corner, Imparting Grace, Slices of Life, Being a Wordsmith, Momfessionals, OMHG, Lisa Notes, CWJ, Modern Monticello, Answer is Chocolate, Pam’s Party, Pieced Pastimes, Pinch of Joy,

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Veteran’s Day

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Please don’t mistake Veterans Day for Memorial Day.

In the USA, we have different days than the UK, Canada, and Europe to commemorate veterans. November 11 is Armistice Day, but Americans only swooped in at the last minute of WWI, so we don’t really learn much about it. I took my family to visit the memorials in Flanders.

Veterans Day on 11 November honors those who have served in the U.S. Armed Forces. 

The original concept for the celebration was for a day observed with parades and public meetings and a brief suspension of business beginning at 11:00 a.m.

The United States Congress officially recognized the end of World War I when it passed a concurrent resolution on June 4, 1926.

With the approval of legislation on June 1, 1954, November 11th became a day to honor American veterans of all wars. Later that same year, on October 8th, President Dwight D. Eisenhower issued the first “Veterans Day Proclamation.” 

Memorial Day is a federal holiday the last Monday in May, in the United States for honoring and mourning the military personnel who died while serving in the U.S. Armed Forces. We don’t ever say, “Happy Memorial Day.”

Armed Forces Day is an unofficial U.S. holiday earlier in May to honor those currently serving in the armed forces.

My grandfather served his whole life in the US Navy.

My dad served a tour in the Navy, then retired from US Army Reserves.

My husband is looking forward to retiring from the US Air Force. His grandfather and uncle also served in the Air Force.

We’re a military family.

We’ve been fortunate to live in many interesting places like Hawaii and Germany.

We’re resilient, even through the stress of moving around frequently and deployments. Being a military spouse has its challenges. Military kids are unique for sure.

Resources:

Veterans Day Notebooking Pages (FREE)

What does Veterans Day mean to you?

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I Long for More

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I feel poignant on my evening walk, as I scan the dusky sky for the little brown bats skimming over the pond for bugs. The birds watch me warily as I approach on the turns of the path and flit away to a safer distance at just the last moment.

Fifteen years of being invisible.

Fifteen years of being a military wife.

Fifteen years of being a homeschool mom.

We never had the luxury of family nearby.

We celebrated milestones and holidays long distance – fewer and fewer as the years and miles rolled by and communication lagged and fizzled to nonexistent.

We never had any friends for long since we were transient.

I feel disposable.

Unfriended on social media the moment our van was out of sight towards another life at another military base.

It hurts the same way it hurt to be made fun of in middle school. The way my old neighborhood friends moved on as they found better, cooler friends in their own classes at school and ignored me in the hallways and after school. I learned to just stay inside.

I would cry (I mean sob uncontrollably in a ball on the floor) in my room and ask God why no one liked me, why no one wanted to play with me.

I’m still that lonely seventh grade girl inside my mind.

I never seemed to fit in.

My school acquaintances from high school and college would prick me like a needle with their flippant comments of how I would find people like me someday. I hate being dismissed like that.

It is someday, so where are they?

Some people never grow out of the patterns they learned when they were young. Some people never mature. They continue to throw away people as soon as they are no longer wanted or needed. I’m not important. I’m out of sight and out of mind. No one keeps in touch. I realize I was never desired as a friend. My kids played with their kids or my husband went fishing with their husbands. I was superfluous. They tolerated me because I cooked well as I took their abuse, laughed at their inappropriate jokes, overlooked their snubs. I had nothing in common with them other than proximity.

When was the last time you felt it—your own longing, that is? Your longing for love, your longing for God, your longing to live your life as it is meant to be lived in God? When was the last time you felt a longing for healing and fundamental change groaning within you?

Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

I’m tired of continuous stepping stones to somewhere else, someone else. I want to rest in a lasting friendship.

No one else has access to the world you carry around within yourself; you are its custodian and entrance. No one else can see the world the way you see it. No one else can feel your life the way you feel it. Thus it is impossible to ever compare two people because each stands on such different ground. When you compare yourself to others, you are inviting envy into your consciousness; it can be a dangerous and destructive guest.

John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

We’ve left churches due to vanilla practices and even outright hatred and exclusion. That greatly narrows our opportunities to make and keep friends.

I continue to seek opportunities for socializing at homeschool events.

So many homeschool families have no qualms spouting off hatred and exclusion – about their worship of Trump and his policies and their intolerance for anyone not white, straight, conservative, evangelical Christian. They live in a bubble.

There is the solitude of suffering, when you go through darkness that is lonely, intense, and terrible. Words become powerless to express your pain; what others hear from your words is so distant and different from what you are actually suffering.

John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

I bite my tongue and just listen and cringe so my kids can play with some other kids for an hour. I realize we’re never really welcome. I inwardly cry. It hurts.

I never would have imagined I would be so utterly alone at this age.

I keep forging my path and backtracking and learning and changing and improving and seeking, searching, longing.

I learn the flora and fauna of all the new places we moved to – where the deer congregate at dusk, which birds sing at dawn. I’m giddy when I see a heron. I name the raccoons and squirrels. I bark back to the woodpeckers as they cock their heads to see me better. I anticipate the flowers blooming in spring and relish in the surprise of new colors, patterns, patches. I learn the weather patterns, only to realize it’s different every year. I watch for hummingbirds when the temperature gets warm enough and I mourn their progress south in autumn. I always have a favorite critter that comes to my backyard feeders and I worry about her when she doesn’t appear for a few nights.

My family calls me Snow White. But these animals are more my friends than people could ever be. I feel most at home in nature.

It seems we might finally settle down and stay for a while or ten years or whatever.

It’s scary after being a nomad for so long to realize we own a house and develop a community and be a part of something. But where do I begin?

I asked honestly in a social justice online group: how do I find like-minded families? Their only answer was to move. We literally just bought our house. And that’s not an answer. I’ve lived all over and it was next to impossible for me to find anyone I could share my heart with.

Being quarantined is both a curse and a blessing. Yes, I realize our privilege not being affected financially.

My introvert lifestyle hasn’t changed much. I seldom went out before, but now that I know I can’t, it hits different. Sometimes I forget that I only go to the grocery store. We don’t go to parks now that they’ve reopened since they’re too crowded. We certainly don’t go to restaurants, not even to order takeout. Too many restaurant staff are being exposed and coming down with the virus. It’s so scary. We wear masks whenever we leave the house for appointments.

I realize I am on a journey. I try to relish in my solitude. I learn, research, reflect, improve.

Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey.

John O’Donohue, Anam Ċara

It hurts me to see my kids miss their sports, friends, activities. It hurts me to get excited for summer and all the things we can’t do. I worry about autumn and the future.

It hurts me that I am a poor role model for my kids because I don’t have any friends. I have no one to turn to in an emergency. I have no one to list on forms that require an emergency contact.

I don’t know how to help my kids make friends when I don’t have any.

I long for more. I long for better.

May the Lord hear my heart’s cry.

There is a certain real loneliness if you say yes and all your old friends are saying no. So be prepared when your old groups, friendships, and even churches no longer fully speak to you the way they used to. But I promise you that those confusing feelings are far outdistanced by a new ability to be alone—and to be happy alone. One of the great surprises at this point is that you find that the cure for your loneliness is actually solitude!

Richard Rohr, Falling Upward

Resources:

  • Women Rowing North: Navigating Life’s Currents and Flourishing As We Age by Mary Piper
  • Crones Don’t Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women by Jean Shinoda Bolen
  • Rebellious Aging: A Self-help Guide for the Old Hippie at Heart by Margaret Nash
  • Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr
  • Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain
  • The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People by Judith Orloff
  • The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N. Aron
  • Motherwhelmed: Challenging Norms, Untangling Truths, and Restoring Our Worth to the World by Beth Berry
  • The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk
  • Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
  • The Search for Significance: Seeing Your True Worth Through God’s Eyes by Robert S. McGee
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Memorial Day

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Memorial Day is more than a holiday about barbecues and picnics and pool openings.

I realize it’s the official start of summer.

Please don’t wish people, “Happy Memorial Day!”

Please don’t mistake Memorial Day for Veterans Day.

Veterans Day honors those who have served in the U.S. Armed Forces. 

Armed Forces Day is an unofficial U.S. holiday earlier in May to honor those currently serving in the armed forces.

Memorial Day is a federal holiday in the United States for honoring and mourning the military personnel who died while serving in the U.S. Armed Forces.

Many historians date the origins of Memorial Day back to the Civil War.

Volunteers place an American flag on each grave in national cemeteries.

Many people visit cemeteries and memorials on Memorial Day to honor and mourn those who died in military service.

Why Poppies?

In 1915, following the Second Battle of Ypres, Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, a Canadian doctor, wrote the poem, “In Flanders Fields.” Its opening lines refer to the fields of poppies that grew among the soldiers’ graves in Flanders.

In 1918, inspired by the poem, YWCA worker Moina Michael attended a conference wearing a silk poppy pinned to her coat and distributed many poppies to others present. In 1920, the National American Legion adopted the poppy as their official symbol of remembrance.

Anzac Day is a national day of remembrance on April 25, in Australia and New Zealand that broadly commemorates all Australians and New Zealanders “who served and died in all wars, conflicts, and peacekeeping operations” and “the contribution and suffering of all those who have served.”

I’m sure each fallen soldier would ask you to remember why you are FREE.

Never forget.

Teach your kids about Memorial Day:

Take a moment in between your summer celebrations to remember the fallen.

Memorial Day Notebooking Pages (FREE)
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PCS to Hawaii

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It was a surprise call from my husband’s commander, asking me if I would rather go to Hawaii than to Altus, Oklahoma.

Um, yeah.

The year was 2007.

I didn’t have a smartphone.

I had just begun blogging, more as a scrapbook for our homeschooling journey.

I didn’t know what MySpace or Facebook even was.

Sometimes, I long to go back to a simpler time, before Pinterest and Instagram. Just to live a life of uncurated online perfection.

PCS to Hawaii Guide

My husband is active duty Air Force, so I assume Navy and Marines and Army might be a little different.

We flew from San Antonio, Texas, to LA for a short layover, to Honolulu, Hawaii. It was a long travel time.

I had an infant, toddler, young child, and a cat. It was pretty stressful.

We arrived in July and the air smelled like plumeria and the ocean.

PCSing Overseas

PCS= Permanent Change of Station. Relocating from one duty station to another.

What to Do First

Look for social media groups.

Facebook is a great way to connect with families who already live in the area you’re moving.

There are local groups for online yard sales, pet tips, jobs, hobbies, homeschooling, parenting, travel, shopping, meetups, hiking, and more!

Have a PCS fund.

It’s always wise to have some savings for PCS time. Pet costs, travel, meals, illness, surprises, and refreshments for the movers can soon deplete funds. We usually use our tax return that year.

Organize paperwork.

Organize all medical, school, and personal paperwork in a binder.

We have a big zipper binder with lots of pockets for passports, birth certificates, social security cards, pet vet reports, kids school reports, PCS forms.

Close accounts and cancel services.

Contact companies like utilities, cable or satellite TV, and cellular phone service to cancel. Most accounts require at least 30 days’ notice with PCS orders.

Request Your DLA (Dislocation Allowance).

Discuss with finance if you will be responsible to pay back any moving costs. Usually, the government credit card is used for airfare and hotel – and that will be covered with filing a travel voucher, but make sure it’s paid before you spend your DLA on new curtains or something! Anything above and beyond your daily allowances (per diem allotment), you will be held responsible.

Update insurance.

Contact and update auto and home insurance to make sure you have enough coverage or the right plan for the area you’re moving to. Some countries require extra policies.

Update financial info.

Update banking information with a travel alert and update the new address when you get it. When PCSing overseas, you have to open a local account to pay local bills.

Packing Out

We have huge yard sales and purge, purge, purge every time we PCS.

To avoid confusion and make it easier: schedule unaccompanied baggage, household goods, and temporary storage packing and pick-ups on different days.

Keep valuables and important documents with you at all times.

Household Goods

We opted not to put anything into storage, but I would go back and do that if I had known more. Everything fit ok, but we really didn’t need some items and I would have stored them for safety had I known.

It took several weeks for our goods to arrive. Our temp and HHG actually arrived at the same time.

They have “Aloha Furniture” for temporary use until the goods arrive. It was super helpful and convenient for us to get settled into a routine with beds, a kitchen table, and a dish/cookware pack.

TLA (Temporary Lodging Allowance)

Request a TLF (Temporary Lodging Facility) assignment as soon as you know the dates. Keep all travel receipts. Get on the base housing list ASAP.

Depending on availability of on-base lodging, there’s a chance you’ll be authorized for TLA, which can be extended up from 30 to 60 days.

We didn’t get into a TLF unit on base because it was all full during primetime PCS season.

They booked us up in the Hale Koa Hotel.

The Hale Koa is one of four Armed Forces Recreation Centers around the world run by the Army. AFRCs are resorts that were built for the military and are exclusively for use by military members, retirees, DoD civilians, and other authorized guests.

First time seeing the Pacific Ocean

Housing

Housing in Hawaii is smaller than most places. Property is premium. We lived on base. I don’t know how people can afford to live off base. Utilities were included and we only paid for cable TV/internet/phone. Apparently, utilities aren’t included anymore, as of 2013.

Our base house was pretty small for our growing family. We only qualified for a three bedroom because our girls were so young. Our toddler and infant shared a room.

Front of our Hickam AFB House
Back of our Hickam AFB House

BAH is very high. Sacrificing some living space or commute time in traffic, you might find something affordable off-base to your liking and pocket some BAH money with the VA loan while building some equity.

PCSing to Hawaii with Pets

The state of Hawaii is rabies-free. They like to keep it that way.

Pets may be quarantined up to 120 days.

Pets with uptodate vaccinations may be eligible for 30-day, 5-day, or direct release from the Honolulu International Airport, if requirements are met. See the Hawaii Animal Quarantine info page for more.

Even though we thought we followed the pet travel and moving checklist to a T for immediate release, we had to put our cat in the quarantine kennel for 30 days.

He was fine and we visited him and he seemed happy in his big outdoor private fenced in kennel.

Shipping a Personal Vehicle

Military members are authorized a shipment of 1 POV (Privately Owned Vehicle) at government expense.

We chose to sell our Sante Fe SUV before moving and purchase a Dodge minivan in Hawaii.

We didn’t know any better. I did worry about shipping a brand new vehicle and not having a car for six weeks. But, everything is more expensive in Hawaii because they’re islands.

Just like PCSing overseas anywhere, a POV must be cleaned and inspected before shipment. I recommend shipping the POV as early as you can so it’s ready for you as soon as possible after you arrive.

We only needed one car while we were in Hawaii. We lived on base where my husband worked and he walked or rode his bike everywhere. Occasionally, he needed the car for meetings or something, but it was usually fine for us.

Expenses and Shopping

The Cost of Living Allowance (COLA) is given to government employees stationed overseas (including Alaska and Hawaii) to offset the higher cost if living in those areas. The amount received ranges from $500 to $1500 per month and is determined by a number of factors like rank, years of service, and number of dependents. COLA is not taxed by the federal government, but it may be taxed by the state of Hawaii. My husband’s state of residence is Illinois, so we were not taxed.

I transferred my driver’s license to Hawaii since I am a nonworking spouse and don’t really have a state of residence. As a resident, I got Kama’aina discounts at some places we visited. Many tourist attractions offer great rates for military and Kama’aina and free kids tickets.

Since Hawaii are islands, we realized pretty quickly that if I saw something at the BX, commissary, or in a local store, I better snatch it up immediately because it wouldn’t be there next time.

The commissary ran out of sugar and Cool Whip during the holidays. Canned pumpkin was seasonal and only available during November.

Shopping in local grocery stores was very expensive. Everything is cheaper at the BX and commissary. Gas on base is cheapest.

There’s a big resale business. Lots of yard sales, swap meets, online sales.

We didn’t think about the things we might miss in Hawaii. There weren’t as many commercials stores and restaurants as there are now. No Chick Fil A or Target. I learned not to care so much and I shopped less often than I used to.

Shopping online has extra shipping charges. We learned to live without many things I wouldn’t purchased unless it was available locally.

Laws

The Honolulu City Council just passed a bill that allows the City to fine you if you are texting while walking across a street ($15-$99 fine).

Talking on a cell phone while driving is also against the law in Hawaii.

Everyone (including back seat passengers) must wear seatbelts.

Motorcycle helmets are optional (until you go on base) but advisable for safety.  

Hawaii is very strict on firearms. You have a short grace period upon arrival, which is 3 days.  You’ll need to register your firearms with the Honolulu Police Department. Take the unloaded firearm to the Firearms Division of HPD for inspection along with proper identification and proof of ownership. You will be fingerprinted ($16.50 fee) and photographed. Also, register with base security if living on base.

Culture

You’ll hear Aloha a lot. It’s hello, welcome, love, a way of life.

Mahalo means thank you.

While driving, people say “thanks” with the shaka sign which is the same as the ASL sign for play. Make sure to return it!

Traffic is awful. There’s only like two or three highways. We quickly learned to deal with it and when to go places.

Leave your shoes outside or by the door when you visit someone’s home. You’ll probably soon be living in flip-flops (“slippahs”) anyway.

On Oahu, there’s the windward side (east), the leeward side (west), town (Honolulu), Central (Pearl City, Mililani, and surrounding areas), and the North Shore. Mauka (mow-kah) means on the mountain side of the road in the context of directions. Makai (mah-kigh) means on the ocean side of the road in the context of directions.

Learn to make friends with geckos. They come in your house and eat the bugs and they’re noisy at night. Don’t go near the feral chickens. They’re mean and carry bugs. Avoid the humongous centipedes. Many people and pets go to the ER with centipede stings.

It never gets cold, but December is rainy season.

Hawaiian Christmas

We were sad to leave Hawaii. We PCSed from Hawaii to Utah with another baby, two preschoolers, an older daughter, and two cats. It was a pretty stressful and long flight.

We loved living in Hawaii for three years and wish we could’ve stayed longer.

We have some great memories and the kids long to return now that they’re older.

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A Mother’s Résumé

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I haven’t worked at a “real job” for at least a dozen years.

It’s frustrating that introductory small talk still focuses on “What do you do?” and is disdainful or even scornful of motherhood as a vocation. People even dare ask or mention that my education was a waste. It’s like my only worth is in a salary or job for pay outside my home.

These microaggressions don’t endear me to people whom I’ve just met. They dismiss me as unimportant because I don’t have a salary and it’s so frustrating.

Motherhood isn’t valued in American culture. Homeschooling is still considered weird.

There’s little purpose to keeping up my LinkedIn profile.

I can’t imagine going back to teach at any school, at any level. I sometimes miss the classroom, but the hassles and negatives don’t outweigh the few positives. I don’t have current state certification and I don’t have any desire to jump through hoops to recertify.

If you hired someone to do the work of maintaining a household, especially if you have children, the cost would be approximately $ 90,000 a year. This is what a “traditional” at-home spouse would get paid today to clean the house, be a personal shopper and personal assistant, run errands, and take care of the children.

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by John Gottman, Ph.D., Julie Schwartz Gottman Ph.D., Doug Abrams,  Rachel Carlton Abrams M.D.,

Things You Didn’t Put on Your Résumé

How often you got up in the middle of the night
when one of your children had a bad dream,

and sometimes you woke because you thought
you heard a cry but they were all sleeping,

so you stood in the moonlight just listening
to their breathing, and you didn’t mention

that you were an expert at putting toothpaste
on tiny toothbrushes and bending down to wiggle

the toothbrush ten times on each tooth while
you sang the words to songs from Annie, and

who would suspect that you know the fingerings
to the songs in the first four books of the Suzuki

Violin Method and that you can do the voices
of Pooh and Piglet especially well, though

your absolute favorite thing to read out loud is
Bedtime for Frances and that you picked

up your way of reading it from Glynis Johns,
and it is, now that you think of it, rather impressive

that you read all of Narnia and all of the Ring Trilogy
(and others too many to mention here) to them

before they went to bed and on the way out to
Yellowstone, which is another thing you don’t put

on the résumé: how you took them to the ocean
and the mountains and brought them safely home.

~Joyce Sutphen

As a mother for the past 19 years, I can attest to having quite an impressive work history and specific skill set.

The mental workload of being a mother far outweighs any “job” I’ve ever had.

As a teacher in various school and classroom environments, then as a homeschool educator for the last 15 years, I honed my expertise by focusing on my students’ unique needs.

As a military spouse, I retained my skills and honed a lot of new ones over the last decade and a half.

There are no gaps in my work history. I worked constantly, year-round, daily, overnights, with no vacation days, through sickness and injury, and during two deployments with no assistance or support.

Experience

Director of Child Development

$39,744 average annual salary

  • Oversee social, academic, and emotional development of students from birth until adulthood
  • Develop educational programs and standards
  • Design program plans, oversee daily activities, and prepare budget for activities and curriculum
  • Support gross and fine motor skills
  • Maintain instructional excellence

Educational Leadership

$88,390 average annual salary

  • Knowledge of pedagogy and methodology
  • Relationship building
  • Continuing education in field regarding trends, concerns, issues
  • Global mindset
  • Plan cross-curricular lessons for various ages, abilities, interests
  • Conflict resolution
  • Extensive library
  • Use of technology
  • Personalize feedback on student assignments
  • Advise students regarding academic courses and career opportunities
  • Encourage students to present their views and participate in discussion
  • Share personal experiences and values
  • Record keeping

Project Management

$134,182 average annual salary

  • Initiating, planning, executing, controlling, and closing the work of a team to achieve specific goals and meet specific success criteria at the specified time.
  • Establish expectations
  • Be proactive
  • Organization
  • Risk management
  • Delegation
  • Teamwork
  • Growth Mindset

Life Coach

$46,678 average annual salary

  • Discuss needs and goals
  • Develop strategies and plans
  • Keep records of progress
  • Evaluation
  • Adjust goal strategies as needed
  • Assist manage stress and increase productivity
  • Excellent listening and questioning skills
  • Confidence to challenge in a caring way
  • Support goal-setting, personal growth, and behavior modification 

Domestic Engineer

$59,496 average annual salary

  • Oversee operations of all systems and procedures
  • Budget for and allocated appropriate expenditures
  • Delegate operational tasks to promote equal labor division
  • Maintain cleanliness and sanitation of all work, play, and living areas
  • Food purchasing, preparation, and storage
  • Multi-tasking
  • Home economics
  • Laundry expertise
  • Basic mending ability by hand and sewing machine
  • Organization and efficiency

Religious Advisor

$58,130 average annual salary

  • Education about religion and faith through various books, activities, social justice, music, tradition, travel
  • Evolve faith through experience and learning
  • Help understand spirituality to promote peace, healing, and union with God and others
  • sensitivity, empathy, and understanding
  • Ensure proper growth and relational development
  • Spiritual counsel and advice
  • Meet their spiritual, emotional, and relational goals
  • Meditation and contemplation

Protocol Officer

$71,135 average annual salary

  •  Research traditions and customs
  • Distinguish between time-honored tradition and mindless repetition
  • Knowledge of preferences and customs of each person
  • Prioritize welcome and respect
  • Educate daily on etiquette and customs for various situations
  • Minimize or eliminate any opportunity for embarrassment or offense
  • Establish and enforce consistency using logic
  • Develop itineraries and agendas
  • Identify security risks and create safety plans

Travel and Event Planner

$41,873 average annual salary

  • Research, suggest, and decide where to go, methods of transportation, car rentals, hotel accommodations, tours, and attractions
  • Advise about weather conditions, local customs, attractions, necessary documents, and currency exchange rates
  • Visualization
  • Organization and planning
  • Plan and execute ceremonies and special events     

Budget Analyst

$71,590 average annual salary

  • Manage family finances, analyze and prepare monthly expenditures
  • Estimate future financial needs
  • Research of domestic economic and spending trends
  • Develop projections based on past economic and spending trends
  • Technical analysis, monitoring spending for deviations, and preparing monthly and annual reports
  • Analyze investments and their market performance
  • Education about financial terms, issues, trends, economic history

Historian

$55,800 average annual salary

  • Organize data, and analyze and interpret its authenticity and relative significance
  • Gather historical data from sources such as archives, court records, diaries, news files, and photographs, as well as collect data sources such as books, pamphlets, and periodicals
  • Thorough investigative and research skills
  • Analyze and interpret information
  • Interest in human behaviour, culture and society
  • Enquiring mind

Personal Stylist

$50,346 average annual salary

  • Attention to detail
  • Analytical mind
  • Problem-solving ability
  • Knowledge of fabrics, colors, seasonal items, accessories, etiquette
  • Knowledge brands, designs, trends

Personal Chef

$62,282 average annual salary

  • Customize unique meal and snack plans
  • Skilled at recognizing flavors and judging the balance of seasonings
  • Knowledge of kitchen tools and appliances and their uses
  • Procure and organize various recipes
  • Shop for all groceries within budget
  • Prepare the meal in a timely manner
  • Clean up the kitchen to excellent standards
  • Store leftovers promptly

Chauffeur

$22,440 average annual salary

  • Transport people to various activities in a safe and timely manner
  • Stock vehicles with amenities
  • Keep vehicles shiny and clean
  • Vehicle maintenance and repair

Waste Management

$64,000 average annual salary

  • Plan, implement, and coordinate comprehensive waste systems designed to maximize waste prevention, reuse, and recycling opportunities.
  • Evaluate the success of plans and make changes as necessary.
  • Minimize the impact of waste to protect the environment.

Plumber

$50,620 average annual salary

  • Unclog sink drains and pipes as needed
  • Replace salt in home water softener
  • Humidify and/or dehumidify the air in home
  • Repair water supply lines, waste disposal systems, and related appliances and fixtures

Special Skills

  • Good at untying knots
  • Feeding picky children and spouse
  • Finder of lost things
  • Making shoddy rental houses comfy and homey
  • Empath
  • Introvert
  • Comforter
  • Creativity
  • Innovation
  • Initiative
  • Time management
  • Stress management
  • Interpersonal relationships
  • Excellent verbal and written communication

Research

I can research anything. I enjoy researching. I loved researching literary, psychological, and educational analyses in university – and all the details of citing the sources properly. I can find anything on Google. Over time, I just have learned the best keywords for a search. I can find the best whatever we’re looking for in minutes, before we move to a new base or city. I research what we’re learning about in our homeschool and design my own curriculum.

Frugal

We have learned to thrive with one income. We’ve learned to survive with one vehicle. I’ve worked with very tight budgets as we’ve raised and homeschooled four kids all over. We focus on eating well and traveling and living life to the fullest. We’re investing for the future with 529s, IRAs, mutual funds, life insurance, and retirement plans. We’re paying down debt.

Multitasking

I can do it all and do it well. When life gets hectic, I’m in charge to streamline everything. I have a great memory and seldom get sidetracked for long.

Adaptable

Things change. We’ve received written orders that have changed last minute. We had to cancel plans to travel on vacation in order to PCS. We’ve had extensions fall through. We’ve experienced deployments. I have to stay flexible. I have to be strong for my kids.

Critical Thinking

I don’t want my kids just to regurgitate information and blindly obey. I want them to know right from wrong and question everything – me, tradition, reality, authority – why? why? WHY?

Observation, analysis, interpretation, reflection, evaluation, inference, explanation, problem solving, and decision making

  • Understand the logical connections between ideas.
  • Determine the importance and relevance of arguments and ideas.
  • Recognise, build, and appraise arguments.
  • Identify inconsistencies and errors in reasoning.
  • Approach problems in a consistent and systematic way.
  • Reflect on the justification of their own assumptions, beliefs, and values.

Education

M.Ed. secondary English education, gifted endorsement

B.A. English literature with minor in psychology, cum laude

Summary

As a military spouse, I have some unique skills.

I may have developed these abilities anyway.

But my life is very different than it could have been because I married an Air Force officer, my dad retired from the Army Reserves, and both my parents worked as GS employees since forever.

Being a military spouse can be like having a full-time job. Much of the expertise I’ve developed over the years are highly transferable and marketable in the workforce.

All in different seasons and different bases, I have worked outside the house, stayed at home, worked from home, and considered going back to school. I have a master’s degree in education, so that’s essentially an expensive piece of paper at this point since I don’t want to go back to teach in a school.

Every day, I develop and further solidify impressive marketable life experience just by supporting my active duty husband, being a stay-at-home mom, and homeschooling my kids. 

I may not have an impressive résumé or curriculum vitae, but I know what my abilities are.

My worth is not only in what I do. My value is not in the income I bring or don’t bring into our household. As a wife, mother, and homeschooler, I have intrinsic value in the efficiency of my household management.

The TRUTH about the military spouse job search.

There’s little to no personal fulfillment.

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Maintaining Attachment During Deployment

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Military life is often very stressful for kids.

Deployments are especially hard on families.

When a parent is absent, kids often feel lost and will find an alternative attachment to replace the missing parent. This makes reintegration that much more difficult.

John Bowlby believed that there are four distinguishing characteristics of attachment:

  1. Proximity Maintenance – The desire to be near the people we are attached to.
  2. Safe Haven – Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.
  3. Secure Base – The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.
  4. Separation Distress – Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

It’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain attachment to the child.

It often falls to the spouse at home to accomodate or encourage attachment opportunities with the deployed member, but that doesn’t maintain the strong attachment as well as when the absent parent makes the effort. Of course, this might take lots of advance planning if the deployment occurs in a place where communication is very limited or the locale and situation is very dangerous or top secret.

It’s very painful to return home from a lonely and dangerous deployment to children who act like they don’t remember, don’t care, or would rather he’d stayed away.

It’s difficult to make amends with or collect children who become peer-attached or other-attached during the parent’s absence.

A deployed service member wants a warm homecoming to the much-missed spouse, and that requires maintaining attachment throughout the absence. It’s no different, and perhaps more important, to maintain a strong attachment with children.

It’s different at every stage. Babies and toddlers feel uncomfortable. Young kids are often confused and scared. Tweens and teens feel diffident and abandoned.

Farewell and welcome ceremonies are important to set the stage for a difficult time for the whole family.

Explaining expectations to kids is important.

We accompany dad to the airplane gate to say goodbye and wave the plane away.

We try to plan something fun and distracting the afternoon Dad leaves.

We meet him again at the airplane gate to welcome him home. This is even more special now than before 9/11 when everyone could meet loved ones at gates.

We try to give Dad space when he returns home since he’s really tired and stressed from several days of travel.

Maintaining Attachment with Kids

Most children are very susceptible to sensory stimulation that reminds them of the absent parent. Even during very short separations, the familiarity of touch, voice, smell, and sight helps kids overcome their discomfort of absence.

Some useful techniques for parents to help their children bridge unavoidable separation include giving the child pictures or pillows of themselves, special jewelry or lockets to wear, notes to read or have read to them, scheduling phone, text, or video calls at appointed times, recordings of their voice on books, or with special songs or messages, something with their smell on it for the child to hold on to when apart – like a stuffed toy or blanket or Tshirt, gifts to be opened or delivered at special times.

I frequently showed my son a photo book when he was a baby during our first deployment. The kids often looked through photos of our lovely memories traveling and holidays and other events.

Another way of keeping connected is by giving a child a sense of where a parent is when not with her. When a parent is away on a trip, set something up so she can follow the travels on a map. Physical absence is much easier to endure when one is able to locate the other in time and space.

For the first deployment, I set up a wall clock with “Daddy time” to show what time it was in Afghanistan. We set up the clock app on their iPads with “Doha time” so the kids knew what time it was during the second deployment.

We may need to enlist the help of others to keep the deployed member present in the child’s mind when absent. Ask friends, relatives, or other caregiving adults to talk to the child about the deployed member in a friendly way, to help him imagine what the parent might be up to at certain times, to show him pictures that will evoke for him pleasant memories. Share special meals and special occasions with extended family and friends and speak warmly of the absent parent.

We tried to schedule special dinners and celebrations during videochat so it was like we all together.

sources: Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers by Gabor Maté, MD, and Gordon Neufeld

The continuum concept is an idea coined by Jean Liedloff in her 1975 book The Continuum Concept, that human beings have an innate set of expectations that our evolution as a species has designed us to meet in order to achieve optimal physical, mental, and emotional development and adaptability.

It’s important to maintain this continuum for and with the child until he or she expresses the healthy need for independence. Deployments and other traumatizing events disrupt this natural gradation of individuation.

I emailed and texted frequently with photos, milestones, and special events of the kids so Dad could talk to them about these things on chat and video call.

I created photo book gifts of everything Dad missed on his deployments so he can share the memories too.

All this helps bridge the gaps in attachment so everyone maintains a feeling of closeness even though he’s far away in proximity.

How do you maintain attachment with a parent who’s far away?

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National Museum of the U.S. Air Force

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This museum is too big to do all in one day!

The National Museum of the U.S. Air Force galleries present military aviation history, boasting more than 360 aerospace vehicles and missiles on display in 12+ galleries.

We first went in September 2017.

We returned in August 2018 to see the Memphis Belle.

Tori did space camp this summer and there are lots of family events throughout the year.

For our first visit, we focused on WWI and WWII.

Eighty silver goblets commemorating each man who flew in the Doolittle Raid over Japan in April 1942.

In December 1946, Gen. James “Jimmy” Doolittle and his fellow Raiders gathered to celebrate his birthday, and that event turned into an annual reunion.

At every reunion, the surviving Raiders meet privately to conduct their solemn “Goblet Ceremony.” After toasting the Raiders who died since their last meeting, they turn the deceased men’s goblets upside down. Each goblet has the Raider’s name engraved twice — so that it can be read if the goblet is right side up or upside down. When there are only two Raiders left, these two men will drink one final toast to their departed comrades.

Retired Lt. Col. Richard “Dick” Cole, the last of the 80 Doolittle Tokyo Raiders, died on April 9, 2018. He was 103.

We viewed the Memphis Belle and everything else on our 2nd visit.

Visit National Museum of the U.S. Air Force.

The museum is open 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. seven days a week. The museum is closed on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Day.

Some museum exhibits have special hours.

Admission to the museum is FREE.

There is a charge for the Air Force Museum Theatre and flight simulators. 

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How To Make Your Move Less Stressful

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Anyone who has been through a move knows it can be a stressful experience. Whether it’s local or long distance, it involves hours of packing, labeling and organizing, and that doesn’t include the unpacking part.

The following steps can help you stay organized throughout the process and make it as efficient as possible.

1. Contact a Moving Company

Regardless of how many friends you think you have, you still need to contact a moving company. They are experts in packing fragile items, as well as making sure your furniture gets to its destination in one piece. Often, people make the mistake of thinking items aren’t fragile because they aren’t glass or expensive. However, many possessions have the potential to be damaged in a move, so it’s important to get a company you trust.  If checking local moving companies Hillsborough County FL, for example, look at online reviews. You should also check their rating with the Better Business Bureau.

2. Get Rid of Unnecessary Items

Obviously, a move will be easier if you have fewer boxes to bring to the new home. Take a long look at heavy items, such as furniture. Decide whether it will fit well into the new space, both in terms of size and décor. There has also never been a better time to sort through closets and books to decide what can be sold or donated. People often take advantage of their move to host a garage sale and raise money for new furnishings for the new home.

3. Label Everything

Before taping up any boxes, put specific labels on the outside. Make sure the labels include the items as well as the room destination in the new house. Don’t skimp on the amount and type of tape, as this can be the reason boxes open and items break along the way.

I also store small items in plastic bins to make things easier on everyone. I like organization and since we move every few years, it protects my items.

4. Storage

Another key point to consider is moving time. Will the new home be available right away, or do you need storage? If your belongings need to be stored for a period of time, it’s essential to find a moving company that handles storage as well. This way, you won’t have to deal with multiple moves or several different companies.

5. Unpacking

Label rooms with sticky notes on door frames to help movers place the correct furniture and boxes. It helps to have one responsible person helping to watch the unload and another to guide placement of items.

We often unpack kitchen items first. Setting up beds is super important.

Take note immediately of any damages to report and the procedure for reimbursement or replacement.

Moving can be overwhelming, but it doesn’t have to be a bad experience.

A competent and professional moving company, particularly one that offers storage as well, will make it a much easier experience and be able to walk you through the entire process. Make sure to declutter and be organized with labels, and you’ll soon be happy in your new home.

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Parenting Alone During Deployment

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I see you over there at every significant event with your spouse and kids and parents and in-laws, siblings and their kids, grandparents, and extended family, friends even.

You’re loud with inside jokes and almost obnoxious laughter within your safety net of family and close friends, whom you’ve known forever, in a place where you’ve always lived, surrounded by people who love you and whom you love, despite the mistakes of your past, your gawky teen years, going away to college and returning to marry and start your own family.

I don’t know what it’s like to be surrounded by friends and family.

Your eyes cut to me more than once.

Do you look uncomfortable or curious?

I’m the mom at her kids’ events, alone.

You might wonder if I’m a single mom.

Am I separated, divorced, or widowed?

You might wonder where my people are – parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, whoever.

I try to take lots of pictures for memories.

I go home after events and practices to email or text a summary and all the photos that turn out.

My husband is deployed.

Or TDY.

Or working late, weekends, doubles.

His parents passed the first year we married. His sisters choose not to have a relationship with us.

My parents live far away and we’re not close. Almost all my extended family have passed since I’m the youngest grandbaby.

Many people ask, “How do you do it?”

I just do.

This is my life.

I’ve had some scoff that this is my choice and I could make changes if I really wanted to.

I wonder: what could they possibly mean? Separation from the military before retirement (maybe in two more years!) and lose all those benefits? Geobaching? Divorce? What?

Of course it’s my choice. I knew what I was doing when I married my military man. It doesn’t make life any easier when the going gets rough.

I didn’t realize I can’t ever express sorrow, regret, loneliness, heartache – or any emotion that isn’t overwhelmingly patriotic and positive – over certain life circumstances like others so often do for shallow sympathy.

I do what I have to do to raise my children well, often with an absent father who travels or deploys for work. I sometimes struggle to be everything to my kids – mother and father. They know to rely on themselves and each other and me. I’m the constant. I’m consistent.

Sometimes, it’s just really hard and lonely.

Solo Parenting Tips

  • Stricter schedule
  • Earlier bedtimes for kids so I have alone time
  • Nature/outdoor time daily for at least 30 minutes
  • Healthy eating and plenty of water
  • Hire or borrow help when needed
  • Take lots of pictures
  • Video chat
  • Email
  • Texting
  • Have kids draw pictures, write letters, make treats to mail
  • Have kids help create and deliver care packages to USPS
  • Scrapbook or photo book of time missed

Have you ever parented alone and how did you manage?

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